August 7, 2021 • 31 mins
Jess Sprengle {@thecrankytherapist} is back on Outweigh to help us learn healthful parenting techniques.
We cover:
- how to respond to a child's complaint about their weight/body
- red flags parents should look for
- what to do if a doctor says your child is overweight
& the biggest risk factors for developing an ED as a tween/teen!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out out well everything that
I'm made do, won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning a love who I am, I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
It's beautiful. And then will always out with if you
(00:24):
feel it with joys in the air, she's some love
to the boom. I am there. Let's say good day
and did you and die out hey outweigh fam. It's
Amy here and I am joined by Jess Sprinkle. She
was on the podcast with Lisa and I already she's
done one episode, but we brought her back today because
(00:46):
we're gonna break down kids. And I'm a mom of
a fourteen year old girl and a ten year old son,
and I know that I've dealt with certain comments and
situations where I'm like, I don't want to say or
do the wrong thing, or I wonder what they're really
thinking or feeling, or oh my gosh, did I do
something that maybe caused that behavior or that common or
(01:09):
that action, or I don't want to trigger my kids.
There's so many things. It's I'll use for lack of
a better word, Once your woke for yourself, then you're
suddenly very woke and how you act around food or
talk about your body in front of your children. And
I will say to Jess, oh, let's go. I just
want you to say hi real quick, so I'm not
(01:30):
dominating here. Everybody super excited to be here. Yes, and
she's at the Cranky Therapist on Instagram, which I love
your handle and your accounts, so everyone should should follow.
But I feel like Jess as a parent, and I'm
sure others listening might be in similar shoes that I
(01:51):
was knee deep into my eating disorder when I became
a parent and I adopted two kids. They arrived at
ten and seven, and I was putting all kinds of
things on them, like I was raining it down and
I didn't even know it though, because I was so
in my own stuff, I didn't even know how yucky
it was, and I was spreading the juginess. And then
(02:11):
I entered this realization of like things need to change
for me, and I did the work, and now I'm
in recovery. And then now I'm in the process of
unlearning things myself and trying to get my kids to
unlearn what I put in their head. And of course
they much prefer this version of mom that they get
because I'm way more laid back about food. So where
(02:31):
is a good place to start in your mind, since
you're the expert here in the therapist of like what's
going on with kids? Like how early can something even start?
And what is parents do we need to be doing?
That is a big question, loaded you know, I think
from what I understand and know from research, kids as
(02:51):
early as three to five can interpret and internalize messaging
about bodies and food. And if we think about like
what kids watch on TV even as early as that,
or what they might be exposed to just from their families,
I think that that makes sense. And you know, as
a like a personal anecdote, this is one of my
(03:13):
earliest memories which just goes to show, Um, I was
five and I referred to a person as fat, and
I was not saying it in an unkind way. I
was just commenting on this person's size. Granted that I
knew the word fat versus anything else is questionable. I'd
be curious where I learned that word. But the person
(03:36):
responded by bursting into tears and they became very upset
and angry with me, And it was a family friend,
So it was just it was really uncomfortable. But what
I internalized from that was, oh, that is bad. We
don't ever comment on anyone's size, and especially if they
are of a certain size, you'd never say anything about
(03:57):
it because it's bad. All that to say, I think
that kids at earlier ages than people expect can really
take on these messages and run with them. I work
a lot with adolescence. I don't work quite as often
as I did before the pandemic and earlier in my career,
just because of the level of work it often requires.
But I mean, I saw in my inquiries, so inquiries
(04:21):
are just you know, people looking to work with me.
I would say eighty percent at least were from parents
of kids, kids as young as eight up to you know,
seventeen eighteen. So I think that, you know, we definitely
saw during the pandemic a huge influx of young people
with eating disorders, and I'm not entirely sure why that is,
(04:46):
and I'm sure we'll learn more as research comes out,
but I would imagine a lot of that is just
being stuck in the house, not having any control and
not having any access to friends, and then also on
top of it just all of the messaging that we
were seeing in the media about the negativity around weight
gain um, you know, the COVID fifteen or whatever it
(05:06):
was that people were talking about. It's kids absorbed those messages.
Kids are a little sponges and they hear these things,
and depending on so many things, including biology, resilience, heritability,
all these things, it absolutely could impact them in a
particular way that then ultimately could become a full blown
mental illness. What can parents say to a child or
(05:28):
a teen that is making comments about their body when
it comes to weight. I mean, I'll just use me
for an example. And I don't think I mean my
son's tin. I don't think he even really knows what
he's saying. But I would like to know the proper
way to respond to him, because other parents might have
a child that knows exactly what they're talking about and
(05:48):
they're still saying this. But in my case, my son
was saying, oh, no, I don't know. I think he
just felt maybe bloated or something. But his response was no,
I'm not I'm not going to eat right now. I've
I feel fat, I'm fat, I'm getting fat, And that's
he kind of went on this thing, and I thought,
where is he getting this from? Again? Who knows? But
(06:10):
like you said, children pick up things everywhere. But he
was very concerned about it and then didn't want his food.
Now do I think that my son has a needing disorder? No?
But is this a stepping stone for getting there? Like?
Where where did this come from? And then how far
is it going to go? And then how far to
His thoughts then start to repeat, and then it becomes
(06:31):
a thing where he It does morph into that, you know.
I think of something that I saw recently, not even
sure where, but a daughter or maybe I was an
adult now, and she was talking about when she was
younger and she would try on clothes in the dressing
room with her mom and she would just feel uncomfortable
and make comments about her body, and her mom didn't
really know how to respond to make her feel better.
(06:53):
And I think as parents sometimes we don't. We just
we don't want to say the wrong thing, so we
just kind of don't really say anything. But what is
the most helpful thing? Right? And I think it is
it is so individual. I will say that, but then thinking,
you know, thinking about your son, for example, it might
even be helpful to ask like, hey, like where did
you hear that? Or you know, where might that have
come from? And maybe taking some time to talk about
(07:16):
and obviously he's ten, so there's only so much you
could really talk about without it being like kind of
over his head, but maybe, you know, trying to help
him shift his language, like oh, do you you know,
are you feeling bloated? Are you feeling full? In our culture,
there is a lot of conflation between like fullness and fatness,
(07:37):
which it is an interesting conflation, and I know that
that happens a lot with folks with eating disorders. I
know that that was something that I often struggled with,
was Oh, if I feel full, that must mean that
I'm that I've gained weight, when in reality it often
just means like that this is a natural bodily process.
And really trying to understand or help him understand like
(07:57):
what the sensation is that he's experiencing versus you know,
this is this is not your body changing, this is
just a normal human experience. But also, yeah, I think
also asking him around like how he feels about the
word fat or like what he thinks fat is, because
it's not you know, it's not a bad word, you know,
it's often just a descriptor more than anything. So approaching
(08:21):
with curiosity, which is a great way to approach a
lot of things, but just kind of asking some questions
surrounding that. And then I guess, you know, if it
say it's a teenage daughter, like my daughter's fourteen, I
know that she's had similar things of like and this
is probably messaging. I know that she's gotten from shoot,
even me a few years ago, maybe of like oh,
(08:41):
I'm not going to eat that I don't want to
get fat or I don't want to gain weight, or
I don't want to even if it's just like off
but you're not even really thinking about it. It's just
language that we've been used to hearing for so long
that like, oh, I've got to unbutton my pants. I
just ate so much, I feel so fat, like and
but then that is in their head, so then they think, oh,
I'm not going to eat this way because x y Z.
(09:02):
So curiosity even would work with like an older, more mature,
fourteen year old girl that knows what I'm talking about.
I think so and often I am not a parent,
but I work with so many young people that I
get a good sense of the ways in which their
parents speak to them that are not effective, and how
oftentimes the way I speak to them it can be
(09:25):
very different. And oftentimes that is it does boil down
to curiosity, like hey, like what kind of messaging are
you getting around this? Like where might this have come from?
Versus I think many parents, especially for kids that do
have eating disorders, there's a lot of shame, blame and
attempts to police where it's like, oh, just just eat
(09:46):
it or just do that, just don't talk about it,
and versus, hey, what's going on that this feels uncomfortable
to eat right now or uncomfortable to where you know,
and if it's clothing. I think curiosity is something that
as human beings sometimes we forget. We forget about because
we often want answers just I think that's a nature
(10:07):
of being human. We want things to fit in boxes,
and we want answers and we want to move on.
But especially with this stuff, I don't think it's quite
that cut and dry, and I think a lot of
it is parents being able to acknowledge the ways in
which they have hurt their children and or just the
ways in which maybe they haven't gotten it right, and
willingness to repair. I think that's huge. I think about
(10:29):
my own parents and there, I mean, they've been very
entrenched in diet culture my whole life, and I think
about how different my own life might have been in
my own eating this sort of development might have been
if they had turned around and just been like, yeah,
you know, maybe that wasn't something I should have said
to you, or like, oh, actually I got that wrong.
(10:49):
Just being willing to admit that you got it wrong,
because sometimes as a parent, of course you're going to
get it wrong. What are some red flags that parents
should look for or if you know, they're trying to
figure out if their child might be going through this
or dealing with a neating disorder. I think depending on
the age, it can be fairly obvious. And what I
(11:12):
mean by that is like, say you have a child
that's ten, for example, and they're doing some strange things
with food. A parent might be way more likely to
pick up on that, like in a ten year old
versus if they are fourteen or fifteen and have a
little bit more freedom and then can hide it more effectively.
That said, I mean, there are a number of red
(11:33):
flags to look out for, of course, like if there
is some sort of shift in how they're behaving around food,
if they're avoidant around like any sort of group meal,
if they're engaging with food in a way that is
very different from how they usually do, like say that
they're cooking more for the family, and then they're not
participating in the meal, like they're not sitting down and
(11:54):
eating with the family. That could be a red flag.
But I think, you know, there are a lot of
behavioral markers and red flags for sure, but I think
too um ones that often get overlooked are the psychological markers,
which are you know, is your child talking negatively about
their parents, talking negatively about themselves, not even necessarily just
(12:14):
about their parents, but about who they are, comparing themselves
to their friends, talking negatively about other people's bodies, and
also you know, thinking about like is their anxiety higher,
Like is there stress increased to a point where they
really seem incapable of tolerating it? And that might just
be like some red flags in terms of mental health.
(12:35):
But oftentimes, you know, what we see for folks with
eating disorders or those who develop eating disorders, high incidents
of anxiety before development, high incidents of perfectionism and overachieving,
and also like high incidents of like hyper comparison between peers.
What if a parent does start to notice these things,
(12:57):
like you're mentioning the red flags, like what's the first
line of help that they should seek? My first like
knee jerk responses. It's never a bad idea to initiate
care with a provider if that's a possibility, because I
think kids, especially in today's world, could benefit from having
a safe adult that is not a parent to talk to.
(13:17):
That's it. I also recognize that not every family is
going to have access to see a provider, so that
you know that might not be available. But really trying
to open up a line of communication with your child
is huge, and I think that that you know that
has far reaching effects where then your child will feel
free to open up to you throughout their life. I mean,
obviously this isn't a perfect world because you know, I
(13:40):
know that the most parents really struggle to connect with
their kids, especially as they become teenagers. But even just
saying like, hey, I'm noticing that this is going on,
Like I'm noticing that it seems like you're stressed or
that seems like something's up, like I'm here if you
want to talk about it, or I'm here. I'm here
to support you and help you, like I love you. Really,
I'm sometimes putting the ball in the kid's court versus
(14:03):
interrogating them, because I know that that can be received
really poorly. Although obviously if there does appear to be
some sort of medical danger or just dangerous behavior recurring,
I wouldn't say interrogating is the way, but you know,
perhaps asking some more appointed questions like hey, I'm noticing
this happen is happening? What's going on? Or like how
(14:23):
are you feeling about food? How are you feeling about
your body? Granted, you know, if you're asking those questions,
that might just be time to initiate some some appointments
with like a doctor or a therapist, if that's possible.
You know, you bring up a doctor, I'm curious what
advice you have her parents if they've ever taken a
child to a doctor's appointment and the doctor has said
(14:44):
your child is overweight. You know something that is I've
made my life mission is to try to talk to
medical providers before my clients interact with them. Um, if possible,
just to avoid the harm that can happen. Granted, I
don't know if that's always possible, but there are a
number of resources online around like even like I think
(15:04):
they're like cards and such, or just like kind of
grips where you can follow that and share with your doctor, like, Hey,
I do not want you mentioning my child's weight to
them or having any sort of conversation with them about
their parents or their weight. You can direct that commentary
towards me. I'm happy to talk with you about it,
but do not talk to them about it. Being your
(15:25):
own advocate. We've talked about that here before. When you're
going to the doctor for yourself, if you don't want
to get weight, you can speak up for yourself. And
if it's not necessary for that appointment, then there's no
reason for you to have to get on that scale.
But sometimes it's like, oh, well, this is what you
do when you go to the doctor, so you just
do it. But you can speak up for yourself. And
when you're a parent, you know what you're saying here
(15:46):
is too, you can speak up for your child before
it even gets to that. In that way, everyone's all
on the same page. Yeah, I saw some meme recently,
of course, I love memes that it was, you know,
a young a young kid was going to the doctor
with their parents and when they went into the doctor's office,
they were like, oh, no, I'm not getting weighed. And
the parent was like, where did you learn that? And
(16:09):
the kid was like, oh, I learned it on TikTok
and they said that you shouldn't get weighed and the
b M I is suspicious anyway. And I'm cracked up
because I think that that that's these volumes about. I
think gen Z and the generation below them, it is amazing.
I think there's so much more information about that stuff
available now that I mean we did not have access to,
(16:31):
like generation above ours and not have access to and
I love that. I think that is an incredible thing
that there are more people who recognize and understand that
a doctor does work for you. You know, you're going
to see them for a service, and if you don't
like the way that they provide that service, you don't
ever have to see them again. And you know it's
a collaboration. It's not them telling you what to do,
(16:52):
so you can say no if you don't want to
do something. You know you brought up TikTok, and it
made me think of social media in general and kids
have to deal with in the comparison that's on there.
And even though I cleaned up my Instagram and really
had to hone in on who I was following, what
was going to be beneficial for me to see. I
cleaned out accounts that were not going to be helpful
(17:14):
to my recovery. I additing accounts that we're going to
encourage me and remind me and lift me up and
keep me on the right track, because it really is.
It's daily work, you know. And I'm forty years old
and I'm you know, having to do that on Instagram.
Imagine like just when you're a teenager, how impressionable your
mind is. And even though I've cleaned up my accounts,
(17:35):
even under my search stuff, if I go to the
or suggested, a bunch of different accounts will show, I'll
see I don't even to click on them because there's
just all of them sitting there waiting for me to
explore them. I guess it's the explore page and I
automatically right there before and afters and something about that
in your brain is like, oh, well, that's intriguing, I mean,
just because of old ways, and I have to remember, like,
(17:57):
don't even click on it. Who cares. I don't care
about their transformation Tuesday, it doesn't matter. And with kids
even I know there's a situation where two young girls,
teenagers were about to work out and one of the
friends was like, oh, hey, before we work out, let's
do it before and after. But like she didn't really
(18:18):
know what she was talking about, right, but she learned
that from social media, or learned that from seeing someone
do it. So let's just throw that out there as
a scenario of like, what advice would you give to
a parent if they noticed that their teenage daughter was
wanting to do before and after to track their progress.
(18:38):
That's a great question. Uh. Social media. It's it's interesting
how much a part of my job that has become
over the years, and I started working with teams in
and social media even since then has evolved so much,
and just the ways in which I have to help
clients and parents intervene in that respect, especially especially so
(19:02):
far as young women are concerned, because I think it
can be dangerous across a number of ways. But so
far as that's concerned, I think you know, if you
are noticing your kid engaging with that sort of content
or wanting to create that sort of content, I think
it's the same just approaching with curiosity like hey, where
did you where do you learn that? Like, where did
that come from? And if you are noticing your kid
(19:25):
looking at more body focused content or content that does
seem to be a little bit more comparison fuel. I
am not of the mind that policing your child's use
is always a good idea unless it is truly dangerous
and harmful. I think there are ways in which you
can encourage more healthy and positive use, and one of
(19:47):
them might just be like, hey, like, what is that
doing for you when you look at this stuff? How
do you feel? Because it seems like that could really
make you feel bad, and you know, and you can
even be transparent with your child if it's if it's true,
like this would make me feel really bad if I
were looking at that, and admittedly, like if I were
working with a client and they were showing me something,
I'd be like, yeah, you know, if I were looking
(20:08):
at that all the time, I'd probably feel pretty bad.
I mean, there are certainly pockets of TikTok Instagram, etcetera.
That are like very eating disorder fueled like and very
like pro eating disorder, and not even necessarily explicitly pro
eating disorder. But it's like, Hey, I'm in recovery, but
I'm gonna still flex my eating disorder in a way. Yeah. No,
(20:29):
I mean I see that. It's a sometimes an interesting
place where people land when they are in recovery and
they're still trying to figure it out. It's like a
quasi space. Yeah, I can relate to that in a sense.
I think it was a learning progress for me on
my other podcast where Outweigh was born. It was just
a four part series on my four Things podcast and
(20:50):
then we made it its own. But the things that
I used to say a few years ago on my
podcast make me cringe now. But even in my time
of recovery or even That's why I specifically co host
this with Lisa, and she's the expert, and I feel
comfortable doing, you know, without her if I have another
expert on. But you're not going to see me just
(21:12):
doing an Outweigh episode because again, I'm still in this space,
although not as much as the gray areas I was,
but I'm still learning and I don't necessarily have all
the tools, and so sometimes I may say something and
if I've got Lisa there to be like, oh, well,
well I'm gonna pull you back in. That's not actually
that can be triggering to someone, and then that I
don't even realize it, right because I just am in
(21:34):
the process. And so it's a tricky space for sure,
you know, before we wrap up, I guess sometimes I
feel like, well, a lot of us can be in
denial about things, and I just can picture some parents
maybe being in denial about what their kids may actually
be going through and not really addressing it. So I
(21:55):
feel like one way to maybe knock on that door
is for you to share some big risk factors if
a teenager does in a tween or whatever we want
to call it, develops an eating disorder, because if you're
not paying attention. I mean, this is a time where
maybe I think parents, if they're dialed in, they can
step in and really make a difference. So let's go
(22:17):
ahead and talk about how if we're either not being
attention or in denial, is parents the big effects that
our kids are going to have. Yeah, And I think
that's a really important point and important thing to talk about,
because I do think that our culture and our world
has some really outdated beliefs about eating disorders, the least
of which is just, oh, eating disorders are a choice.
(22:39):
Eating disorders are something that people grow out of, and
eating disorders don't really um, there's really nothing more than
like a glorified diet. And what we really what we
know is that eating disorders second only to opiates or
just opiate overdose. They are the leading cause of death
in UM so far as psychiatric illnesses are concerned. So
(23:01):
if your child has a eating disorder, I'm not saying
that it's a life sense, but it is life threatening
and can be life threatening, and unfortunately a lot of
parents are not woke to that because they don't want
to be, or because they don't really understand. I'd say
that's the number one risk factor is Yeah, like it can.
(23:22):
It kills people. And I think that even I often
forget that, even though I know plenty of people that
I've been to treatment with and just know peripherally who
have passed, and even people I knew personally who have
passed from their eating disorder. And I don't think it's
real until it happens to you, or it happens to
you or to someone that you know is close to you.
(23:42):
All of that to say, like, yes, that is a
huge risk factor and can happen, But there are also
the other you know, quote unquote smaller risk factors where
it's like it interferes with the person's functioning across domains.
So you know, your child might start to struggle with school,
struggle with pure relationships, struggle with their relationships with you,
and also just in it interferes with their overall mental
(24:05):
health as well. So even though it's like, yes, the
relationship with food and body might suffer, their relationship with
just I don't know, being a kid might suffer where
they might not really be able to engage with their
friends or engage in tasks that they enjoy. Play sports
if they like that, do crafts or read. It's like
it really is. It's a bit of a life sucker. Yeah,
(24:26):
I mean, I'm even thinking back to my need disort
of developed when I was in high school, so I
was a teenager, and it's the same as it was
when I when it came back as an adult. For me,
it just made my world so small then and made
my world so small as an adult, and yeah, as
a kid, you're supposed to be experiencing so much and
it's a time for growth. You could just get stuck.
(24:48):
And I just would encourage parents. I don't think my
I went to my mom with it, and I knew
I wanted help, but I don't think she knew exactly
how to best come alongside and give me the support.
My mom was a great mom, but she didn't understand
what I was going through and what I was. I mean,
I feel like I was. I went to her pretty openly,
like wanted help. I was like, this something's happening, This
(25:12):
is not right, and I need help because I'm throwing up.
I don't even know how this happened. And when I
try to think back of did it, I don't even
know really where I learned it, right, I have no idea.
Did I just hear about it as in a movie
with someone else talking about it? But somehow, I think too,
you just kind of figure it out and you're like, Okay,
well this works, and and I would feel better. But
(25:33):
then you know, when it came back for me as
an adult after my mom had died, it really came
back like a day later like boom, and I would
eat a meal and I just had to do the thing.
And that was how I was responding to my trauma.
And I remember thinking they got so bad. You know,
you bring up just the risk factor of death. And
(25:53):
there are times where I mean, whatever the behavior is,
because if you're not eating of calorie and your your
purge might be over exercising. For me, I was literally purging.
There are the forms of purging, but for me, I
remember thinking, oh my gosh, like sometimes it was just
so difficult, and I felt like my heart was racing,
my head felt like it was about to explode, my
(26:15):
eyeballs were like bloodshot about to come out. But there
I was just still in like I had to be
successful and this had to happen because that's the only
way I was going to feel relief, you know. But
I was like, oh my gosh, Like I would feel
certain pains that I was like, I don't know what's happening,
Like what have I done? Am I Have I done something?
Pop some blood vessels somewhere, and now I'm going to
(26:37):
die right here. And this is how the world's gonna
not the world, but like my world is going to
find me and this is how I'm this is this
is what's going to happen. And that was a thought,
but for me, it was fleeting, and honestly, the eating
disorder had more power than that. And it's like, even
though I knew that the reality could be death, it's
almost like, oh, but that really happened to me. And
(26:59):
what's crazy is it's like, yes, yes it could, but
we we minimize that because it's like, oh, that's not
going to happen to me, But I'm sure that's what's
happened to a lot of people. But anyway, I'm not
I'm not trying to be dramatic. At the end, I
can share my experience and I there were times where
literally I thought, Okay, I'm going to end up killing myself,
(27:21):
not intentionally, but it's a slow death. When I was
a teenager, my mom did set me up with with
a family friend that had gone through something, and I
remember having a conversation with her and she said, every
time you do that or you're eating disorder. Now I'm paraphrasing.
I can't remember exactly as she said it, but she
just said, every time you do that, it's a it's
a slow suicide. I don't know if that was the
best advisor to give me, but I mean it's stuck
(27:42):
with scary well especially too, it's there is like an
invincibility I think that comes with having an eating disorder,
or like some feigned invincibility where it's just you kind
of convince yourself like nothing bad is going to happen,
or it's like, oh, yeah, I know people die from this,
but it's not going to be me, or you know,
you just kind of accept like, well, if it is me,
(28:03):
it is me today, but like, let's hope it's not.
And most people don't understand that that is the narrative,
like that's often going on parallel to the experience, and
I don't think it's dramatic, and that is the reality.
There's the very strong reality of having an eating disorder,
and parents really need to be in clued into that
that their kid might not be able to stop. It's
(28:25):
not like some punishment towards them, or it's not like
some acting out against them. Oftentimes it is just it
becomes an entrenched behavior and it's really hard to stop
it if you don't have the skills or the tools
or the resources to stop it. I mean, I think
it it is important actually for parents to hear something
like that, because oftentimes I do think unfortunately, at least
(28:46):
by the time kids end up in my office, parents
are at their wits end and really frustrated with their
child and think that they're doing it for X, Y
Z reason. And you know, I want to circle back
to something you said at the beginning before we go,
or kind of the beginning. You said you think it's
very important for kids to have a safe adult to
talk to that is not their parents, And I want
(29:07):
you to just quickly say why that is, because I mean,
I get it, and I understand, but I feel like
some parents might take offense to that of like, well,
but I'm the parents, so I don't need another adult.
But why would that be important. It doesn't mean your
kid loves you any less or they're not going to
connect with you. But can you break that down? Yes,
(29:28):
So it's funny you say that because I've certainly had
a lot of parents be very threatened by me, which
is it's hilarious to think about because I'm not a
threatening force at all, but just in that I was
close with their child or you know, heard their child
in a way that was different than how they hurt them,
And I think that can be very threatening for parents.
They want to be the person that their child goes to.
(29:50):
They created the child, or adopted the child, or whatever
the child is theirs. You want to set your child
up for success in the world, and you want to
set them up for success in terms of being able
to resource, so being able to talk to other adults,
or be be honest with other people, be open with
(30:11):
other people. And also I think you're teaching them how
to trust, and hopefully the person that they are putting
trust in is a trusted person and is not going
to cause them harm. But I do think that it's
really valuable for for children to have more than one
adult in their life, and especially more than just their
parents or a family member. I think it can be
extraordinarily useful for them to know, like, I can talk
(30:34):
to this person, They're not judging me, there's no the
stakes are low. Really. I think that's a lot of it,
because when you talk to your parents about things as
a kid, you might get in trouble. You might you know,
be reprimanded, there might be some sort of consequence versus
if you're talking to a therapist say, as a kid,
they might talk with your parents, or they might encourage
(30:54):
you to talk with your parents, but you're not in
trouble with them. You know they're not judging you, hopefully. Um.
I can only speak for myself, and I certainly don't
judge my clients for what they share with me, especially
the young ones, and I think that that's really powerful
to be a young person and to not feel judgment
from an adult. It's huge. Well, thank you. Yeah, I'm
(31:17):
glad you said that. So, Jess Sprinkle, thank you so
much for coming back on out way for the second
time and again. Everyone can find you on Instagram. You
are the cranky therapist. I'm sure sure we'll have you
on again at some point, but I appreciate you joining
me in this conversation and being my expert, especially since
(31:38):
Lisa is not here with us today and she sends
her love says hi to everyone. But yeah, Jess, thank
you so much. Thank you so much for having me.
Super exciting to be here again.
I won't let my body out out well everything that
I'm made do, won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning a love who I am, I get I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me
It's beautiful. And then will always out with if you
(00:24):
feel it with joys in the air, she's some love
to the boom. I am there. Let's say good day
and did you and die out hey outweigh fam. It's
Amy here and I am joined by Jess Sprinkle. She
was on the podcast with Lisa and I already she's
done one episode, but we brought her back today because
(00:46):
we're gonna break down kids. And I'm a mom of
a fourteen year old girl and a ten year old son,
and I know that I've dealt with certain comments and
situations where I'm like, I don't want to say or
do the wrong thing, or I wonder what they're really
thinking or feeling, or oh my gosh, did I do
something that maybe caused that behavior or that common or
(01:09):
that action, or I don't want to trigger my kids.
There's so many things. It's I'll use for lack of
a better word, Once your woke for yourself, then you're
suddenly very woke and how you act around food or
talk about your body in front of your children. And
I will say to Jess, oh, let's go. I just
want you to say hi real quick, so I'm not
(01:30):
dominating here. Everybody super excited to be here. Yes, and
she's at the Cranky Therapist on Instagram, which I love
your handle and your accounts, so everyone should should follow.
But I feel like Jess as a parent, and I'm
sure others listening might be in similar shoes that I
(01:51):
was knee deep into my eating disorder when I became
a parent and I adopted two kids. They arrived at
ten and seven, and I was putting all kinds of
things on them, like I was raining it down and
I didn't even know it though, because I was so
in my own stuff, I didn't even know how yucky
it was, and I was spreading the juginess. And then
(02:11):
I entered this realization of like things need to change
for me, and I did the work, and now I'm
in recovery. And then now I'm in the process of
unlearning things myself and trying to get my kids to
unlearn what I put in their head. And of course
they much prefer this version of mom that they get
because I'm way more laid back about food. So where
(02:31):
is a good place to start in your mind, since
you're the expert here in the therapist of like what's
going on with kids? Like how early can something even start?
And what is parents do we need to be doing?
That is a big question, loaded you know, I think
from what I understand and know from research, kids as
(02:51):
early as three to five can interpret and internalize messaging
about bodies and food. And if we think about like
what kids watch on TV even as early as that,
or what they might be exposed to just from their families,
I think that that makes sense. And you know, as
a like a personal anecdote, this is one of my
(03:13):
earliest memories which just goes to show, Um, I was
five and I referred to a person as fat, and
I was not saying it in an unkind way. I
was just commenting on this person's size. Granted that I
knew the word fat versus anything else is questionable. I'd
be curious where I learned that word. But the person
(03:36):
responded by bursting into tears and they became very upset
and angry with me, And it was a family friend,
So it was just it was really uncomfortable. But what
I internalized from that was, oh, that is bad. We
don't ever comment on anyone's size, and especially if they
are of a certain size, you'd never say anything about
(03:57):
it because it's bad. All that to say, I think
that kids at earlier ages than people expect can really
take on these messages and run with them. I work
a lot with adolescence. I don't work quite as often
as I did before the pandemic and earlier in my career,
just because of the level of work it often requires.
But I mean, I saw in my inquiries, so inquiries
(04:21):
are just you know, people looking to work with me.
I would say eighty percent at least were from parents
of kids, kids as young as eight up to you know,
seventeen eighteen. So I think that, you know, we definitely
saw during the pandemic a huge influx of young people
with eating disorders, and I'm not entirely sure why that is,
(04:46):
and I'm sure we'll learn more as research comes out,
but I would imagine a lot of that is just
being stuck in the house, not having any control and
not having any access to friends, and then also on
top of it just all of the messaging that we
were seeing in the media about the negativity around weight
gain um, you know, the COVID fifteen or whatever it
(05:06):
was that people were talking about. It's kids absorbed those messages.
Kids are a little sponges and they hear these things,
and depending on so many things, including biology, resilience, heritability,
all these things, it absolutely could impact them in a
particular way that then ultimately could become a full blown
mental illness. What can parents say to a child or
(05:28):
a teen that is making comments about their body when
it comes to weight. I mean, I'll just use me
for an example. And I don't think I mean my
son's tin. I don't think he even really knows what
he's saying. But I would like to know the proper
way to respond to him, because other parents might have
a child that knows exactly what they're talking about and
(05:48):
they're still saying this. But in my case, my son
was saying, oh, no, I don't know. I think he
just felt maybe bloated or something. But his response was no,
I'm not I'm not going to eat right now. I've
I feel fat, I'm fat, I'm getting fat, And that's
he kind of went on this thing, and I thought,
where is he getting this from? Again? Who knows? But
(06:10):
like you said, children pick up things everywhere. But he
was very concerned about it and then didn't want his food.
Now do I think that my son has a needing disorder? No?
But is this a stepping stone for getting there? Like?
Where where did this come from? And then how far
is it going to go? And then how far to
His thoughts then start to repeat, and then it becomes
(06:31):
a thing where he It does morph into that, you know.
I think of something that I saw recently, not even
sure where, but a daughter or maybe I was an
adult now, and she was talking about when she was
younger and she would try on clothes in the dressing
room with her mom and she would just feel uncomfortable
and make comments about her body, and her mom didn't
really know how to respond to make her feel better.
(06:53):
And I think as parents sometimes we don't. We just
we don't want to say the wrong thing, so we
just kind of don't really say anything. But what is
the most helpful thing? Right? And I think it is
it is so individual. I will say that, but then thinking,
you know, thinking about your son, for example, it might
even be helpful to ask like, hey, like where did
you hear that? Or you know, where might that have
come from? And maybe taking some time to talk about
(07:16):
and obviously he's ten, so there's only so much you
could really talk about without it being like kind of
over his head, but maybe, you know, trying to help
him shift his language, like oh, do you you know,
are you feeling bloated? Are you feeling full? In our culture,
there is a lot of conflation between like fullness and fatness,
(07:37):
which it is an interesting conflation, and I know that
that happens a lot with folks with eating disorders. I
know that that was something that I often struggled with,
was Oh, if I feel full, that must mean that
I'm that I've gained weight, when in reality it often
just means like that this is a natural bodily process.
And really trying to understand or help him understand like
(07:57):
what the sensation is that he's experiencing versus you know,
this is this is not your body changing, this is
just a normal human experience. But also, yeah, I think
also asking him around like how he feels about the
word fat or like what he thinks fat is, because
it's not you know, it's not a bad word, you know,
it's often just a descriptor more than anything. So approaching
(08:21):
with curiosity, which is a great way to approach a
lot of things, but just kind of asking some questions
surrounding that. And then I guess, you know, if it
say it's a teenage daughter, like my daughter's fourteen, I
know that she's had similar things of like and this
is probably messaging. I know that she's gotten from shoot,
even me a few years ago, maybe of like oh,
(08:41):
I'm not going to eat that I don't want to
get fat or I don't want to gain weight, or
I don't want to even if it's just like off
but you're not even really thinking about it. It's just
language that we've been used to hearing for so long
that like, oh, I've got to unbutton my pants. I
just ate so much, I feel so fat, like and
but then that is in their head, so then they think, oh,
I'm not going to eat this way because x y Z.
(09:02):
So curiosity even would work with like an older, more mature,
fourteen year old girl that knows what I'm talking about.
I think so and often I am not a parent,
but I work with so many young people that I
get a good sense of the ways in which their
parents speak to them that are not effective, and how
oftentimes the way I speak to them it can be
(09:25):
very different. And oftentimes that is it does boil down
to curiosity, like hey, like what kind of messaging are
you getting around this? Like where might this have come from?
Versus I think many parents, especially for kids that do
have eating disorders, there's a lot of shame, blame and
attempts to police where it's like, oh, just just eat
(09:46):
it or just do that, just don't talk about it,
and versus, hey, what's going on that this feels uncomfortable
to eat right now or uncomfortable to where you know,
and if it's clothing. I think curiosity is something that
as human beings sometimes we forget. We forget about because
we often want answers just I think that's a nature
(10:07):
of being human. We want things to fit in boxes,
and we want answers and we want to move on.
But especially with this stuff, I don't think it's quite
that cut and dry, and I think a lot of
it is parents being able to acknowledge the ways in
which they have hurt their children and or just the
ways in which maybe they haven't gotten it right, and
willingness to repair. I think that's huge. I think about
(10:29):
my own parents and there, I mean, they've been very
entrenched in diet culture my whole life, and I think
about how different my own life might have been in
my own eating this sort of development might have been
if they had turned around and just been like, yeah,
you know, maybe that wasn't something I should have said
to you, or like, oh, actually I got that wrong.
(10:49):
Just being willing to admit that you got it wrong,
because sometimes as a parent, of course you're going to
get it wrong. What are some red flags that parents
should look for or if you know, they're trying to
figure out if their child might be going through this
or dealing with a neating disorder. I think depending on
the age, it can be fairly obvious. And what I
(11:12):
mean by that is like, say you have a child
that's ten, for example, and they're doing some strange things
with food. A parent might be way more likely to
pick up on that, like in a ten year old
versus if they are fourteen or fifteen and have a
little bit more freedom and then can hide it more effectively.
That said, I mean, there are a number of red
(11:33):
flags to look out for, of course, like if there
is some sort of shift in how they're behaving around food,
if they're avoidant around like any sort of group meal,
if they're engaging with food in a way that is
very different from how they usually do, like say that
they're cooking more for the family, and then they're not
participating in the meal, like they're not sitting down and
(11:54):
eating with the family. That could be a red flag.
But I think, you know, there are a lot of
behavioral markers and red flags for sure, but I think
too um ones that often get overlooked are the psychological markers,
which are you know, is your child talking negatively about
their parents, talking negatively about themselves, not even necessarily just
(12:14):
about their parents, but about who they are, comparing themselves
to their friends, talking negatively about other people's bodies, and
also you know, thinking about like is their anxiety higher,
Like is there stress increased to a point where they
really seem incapable of tolerating it? And that might just
be like some red flags in terms of mental health.
(12:35):
But oftentimes, you know, what we see for folks with
eating disorders or those who develop eating disorders, high incidents
of anxiety before development, high incidents of perfectionism and overachieving,
and also like high incidents of like hyper comparison between peers.
What if a parent does start to notice these things,
(12:57):
like you're mentioning the red flags, like what's the first
line of help that they should seek? My first like
knee jerk responses. It's never a bad idea to initiate
care with a provider if that's a possibility, because I
think kids, especially in today's world, could benefit from having
a safe adult that is not a parent to talk to.
(13:17):
That's it. I also recognize that not every family is
going to have access to see a provider, so that
you know that might not be available. But really trying
to open up a line of communication with your child
is huge, and I think that that you know that
has far reaching effects where then your child will feel
free to open up to you throughout their life. I mean,
obviously this isn't a perfect world because you know, I
(13:40):
know that the most parents really struggle to connect with
their kids, especially as they become teenagers. But even just
saying like, hey, I'm noticing that this is going on,
Like I'm noticing that it seems like you're stressed or
that seems like something's up, like I'm here if you
want to talk about it, or I'm here. I'm here
to support you and help you, like I love you. Really,
I'm sometimes putting the ball in the kid's court versus
(14:03):
interrogating them, because I know that that can be received
really poorly. Although obviously if there does appear to be
some sort of medical danger or just dangerous behavior recurring,
I wouldn't say interrogating is the way, but you know,
perhaps asking some more appointed questions like hey, I'm noticing
this happen is happening? What's going on? Or like how
(14:23):
are you feeling about food? How are you feeling about
your body? Granted, you know, if you're asking those questions,
that might just be time to initiate some some appointments
with like a doctor or a therapist, if that's possible.
You know, you bring up a doctor, I'm curious what
advice you have her parents if they've ever taken a
child to a doctor's appointment and the doctor has said
(14:44):
your child is overweight. You know something that is I've
made my life mission is to try to talk to
medical providers before my clients interact with them. Um, if possible,
just to avoid the harm that can happen. Granted, I
don't know if that's always possible, but there are a
number of resources online around like even like I think
(15:04):
they're like cards and such, or just like kind of
grips where you can follow that and share with your doctor, like, Hey,
I do not want you mentioning my child's weight to
them or having any sort of conversation with them about
their parents or their weight. You can direct that commentary
towards me. I'm happy to talk with you about it,
but do not talk to them about it. Being your
(15:25):
own advocate. We've talked about that here before. When you're
going to the doctor for yourself, if you don't want
to get weight, you can speak up for yourself. And
if it's not necessary for that appointment, then there's no
reason for you to have to get on that scale.
But sometimes it's like, oh, well, this is what you
do when you go to the doctor, so you just
do it. But you can speak up for yourself. And
when you're a parent, you know what you're saying here
(15:46):
is too, you can speak up for your child before
it even gets to that. In that way, everyone's all
on the same page. Yeah, I saw some meme recently,
of course, I love memes that it was, you know,
a young a young kid was going to the doctor
with their parents and when they went into the doctor's office,
they were like, oh, no, I'm not getting weighed. And
the parent was like, where did you learn that? And
(16:09):
the kid was like, oh, I learned it on TikTok
and they said that you shouldn't get weighed and the
b M I is suspicious anyway. And I'm cracked up
because I think that that that's these volumes about. I
think gen Z and the generation below them, it is amazing.
I think there's so much more information about that stuff
available now that I mean we did not have access to,
(16:31):
like generation above ours and not have access to and
I love that. I think that is an incredible thing
that there are more people who recognize and understand that
a doctor does work for you. You know, you're going
to see them for a service, and if you don't
like the way that they provide that service, you don't
ever have to see them again. And you know it's
a collaboration. It's not them telling you what to do,
(16:52):
so you can say no if you don't want to
do something. You know you brought up TikTok, and it
made me think of social media in general and kids
have to deal with in the comparison that's on there.
And even though I cleaned up my Instagram and really
had to hone in on who I was following, what
was going to be beneficial for me to see. I
cleaned out accounts that were not going to be helpful
(17:14):
to my recovery. I additing accounts that we're going to
encourage me and remind me and lift me up and
keep me on the right track, because it really is.
It's daily work, you know. And I'm forty years old
and I'm you know, having to do that on Instagram.
Imagine like just when you're a teenager, how impressionable your
mind is. And even though I've cleaned up my accounts,
(17:35):
even under my search stuff, if I go to the
or suggested, a bunch of different accounts will show, I'll
see I don't even to click on them because there's
just all of them sitting there waiting for me to
explore them. I guess it's the explore page and I
automatically right there before and afters and something about that
in your brain is like, oh, well, that's intriguing, I mean,
just because of old ways, and I have to remember, like,
(17:57):
don't even click on it. Who cares. I don't care
about their transformation Tuesday, it doesn't matter. And with kids
even I know there's a situation where two young girls,
teenagers were about to work out and one of the
friends was like, oh, hey, before we work out, let's
do it before and after. But like she didn't really
(18:18):
know what she was talking about, right, but she learned
that from social media, or learned that from seeing someone
do it. So let's just throw that out there as
a scenario of like, what advice would you give to
a parent if they noticed that their teenage daughter was
wanting to do before and after to track their progress.
(18:38):
That's a great question. Uh. Social media. It's it's interesting
how much a part of my job that has become
over the years, and I started working with teams in
and social media even since then has evolved so much,
and just the ways in which I have to help
clients and parents intervene in that respect, especially especially so
(19:02):
far as young women are concerned, because I think it
can be dangerous across a number of ways. But so
far as that's concerned, I think you know, if you
are noticing your kid engaging with that sort of content
or wanting to create that sort of content, I think
it's the same just approaching with curiosity like hey, where
did you where do you learn that? Like, where did
that come from? And if you are noticing your kid
(19:25):
looking at more body focused content or content that does
seem to be a little bit more comparison fuel. I
am not of the mind that policing your child's use
is always a good idea unless it is truly dangerous
and harmful. I think there are ways in which you
can encourage more healthy and positive use, and one of
(19:47):
them might just be like, hey, like, what is that
doing for you when you look at this stuff? How
do you feel? Because it seems like that could really
make you feel bad, and you know, and you can
even be transparent with your child if it's if it's true,
like this would make me feel really bad if I
were looking at that, and admittedly, like if I were
working with a client and they were showing me something,
I'd be like, yeah, you know, if I were looking
(20:08):
at that all the time, I'd probably feel pretty bad.
I mean, there are certainly pockets of TikTok Instagram, etcetera.
That are like very eating disorder fueled like and very
like pro eating disorder, and not even necessarily explicitly pro
eating disorder. But it's like, Hey, I'm in recovery, but
I'm gonna still flex my eating disorder in a way. Yeah. No,
(20:29):
I mean I see that. It's a sometimes an interesting
place where people land when they are in recovery and
they're still trying to figure it out. It's like a
quasi space. Yeah, I can relate to that in a sense.
I think it was a learning progress for me on
my other podcast where Outweigh was born. It was just
a four part series on my four Things podcast and
(20:50):
then we made it its own. But the things that
I used to say a few years ago on my
podcast make me cringe now. But even in my time
of recovery or even That's why I specifically co host
this with Lisa, and she's the expert, and I feel
comfortable doing, you know, without her if I have another
expert on. But you're not going to see me just
(21:12):
doing an Outweigh episode because again, I'm still in this space,
although not as much as the gray areas I was,
but I'm still learning and I don't necessarily have all
the tools, and so sometimes I may say something and
if I've got Lisa there to be like, oh, well,
well I'm gonna pull you back in. That's not actually
that can be triggering to someone, and then that I
don't even realize it, right because I just am in
(21:34):
the process. And so it's a tricky space for sure,
you know, before we wrap up, I guess sometimes I
feel like, well, a lot of us can be in
denial about things, and I just can picture some parents
maybe being in denial about what their kids may actually
be going through and not really addressing it. So I
(21:55):
feel like one way to maybe knock on that door
is for you to share some big risk factors if
a teenager does in a tween or whatever we want
to call it, develops an eating disorder, because if you're
not paying attention. I mean, this is a time where
maybe I think parents, if they're dialed in, they can
step in and really make a difference. So let's go
(22:17):
ahead and talk about how if we're either not being
attention or in denial, is parents the big effects that
our kids are going to have. Yeah, And I think
that's a really important point and important thing to talk about,
because I do think that our culture and our world
has some really outdated beliefs about eating disorders, the least
of which is just, oh, eating disorders are a choice.
(22:39):
Eating disorders are something that people grow out of, and
eating disorders don't really um, there's really nothing more than
like a glorified diet. And what we really what we
know is that eating disorders second only to opiates or
just opiate overdose. They are the leading cause of death
in UM so far as psychiatric illnesses are concerned. So
(23:01):
if your child has a eating disorder, I'm not saying
that it's a life sense, but it is life threatening
and can be life threatening, and unfortunately a lot of
parents are not woke to that because they don't want
to be, or because they don't really understand. I'd say
that's the number one risk factor is Yeah, like it can.
(23:22):
It kills people. And I think that even I often
forget that, even though I know plenty of people that
I've been to treatment with and just know peripherally who
have passed, and even people I knew personally who have
passed from their eating disorder. And I don't think it's
real until it happens to you, or it happens to
you or to someone that you know is close to you.
(23:42):
All of that to say, like, yes, that is a
huge risk factor and can happen, But there are also
the other you know, quote unquote smaller risk factors where
it's like it interferes with the person's functioning across domains.
So you know, your child might start to struggle with school,
struggle with pure relationships, struggle with their relationships with you,
and also just in it interferes with their overall mental
(24:05):
health as well. So even though it's like, yes, the
relationship with food and body might suffer, their relationship with
just I don't know, being a kid might suffer where
they might not really be able to engage with their
friends or engage in tasks that they enjoy. Play sports
if they like that, do crafts or read. It's like
it really is. It's a bit of a life sucker. Yeah,
(24:26):
I mean, I'm even thinking back to my need disort
of developed when I was in high school, so I
was a teenager, and it's the same as it was
when I when it came back as an adult. For me,
it just made my world so small then and made
my world so small as an adult, and yeah, as
a kid, you're supposed to be experiencing so much and
it's a time for growth. You could just get stuck.
(24:48):
And I just would encourage parents. I don't think my
I went to my mom with it, and I knew
I wanted help, but I don't think she knew exactly
how to best come alongside and give me the support.
My mom was a great mom, but she didn't understand
what I was going through and what I was. I mean,
I feel like I was. I went to her pretty openly,
like wanted help. I was like, this something's happening, This
(25:12):
is not right, and I need help because I'm throwing up.
I don't even know how this happened. And when I
try to think back of did it, I don't even
know really where I learned it, right, I have no idea.
Did I just hear about it as in a movie
with someone else talking about it? But somehow, I think too,
you just kind of figure it out and you're like, Okay,
well this works, and and I would feel better. But
(25:33):
then you know, when it came back for me as
an adult after my mom had died, it really came
back like a day later like boom, and I would
eat a meal and I just had to do the thing.
And that was how I was responding to my trauma.
And I remember thinking they got so bad. You know,
you bring up just the risk factor of death. And
(25:53):
there are times where I mean, whatever the behavior is,
because if you're not eating of calorie and your your
purge might be over exercising. For me, I was literally purging.
There are the forms of purging, but for me, I
remember thinking, oh my gosh, like sometimes it was just
so difficult, and I felt like my heart was racing,
my head felt like it was about to explode, my
(26:15):
eyeballs were like bloodshot about to come out. But there
I was just still in like I had to be
successful and this had to happen because that's the only
way I was going to feel relief, you know. But
I was like, oh my gosh, Like I would feel
certain pains that I was like, I don't know what's happening,
Like what have I done? Am I Have I done something?
Pop some blood vessels somewhere, and now I'm going to
(26:37):
die right here. And this is how the world's gonna
not the world, but like my world is going to
find me and this is how I'm this is this
is what's going to happen. And that was a thought,
but for me, it was fleeting, and honestly, the eating
disorder had more power than that. And it's like, even
though I knew that the reality could be death, it's
almost like, oh, but that really happened to me. And
(26:59):
what's crazy is it's like, yes, yes it could, but
we we minimize that because it's like, oh, that's not
going to happen to me, But I'm sure that's what's
happened to a lot of people. But anyway, I'm not
I'm not trying to be dramatic. At the end, I
can share my experience and I there were times where
literally I thought, Okay, I'm going to end up killing myself,
(27:21):
not intentionally, but it's a slow death. When I was
a teenager, my mom did set me up with with
a family friend that had gone through something, and I
remember having a conversation with her and she said, every
time you do that or you're eating disorder. Now I'm paraphrasing.
I can't remember exactly as she said it, but she
just said, every time you do that, it's a it's
a slow suicide. I don't know if that was the
best advisor to give me, but I mean it's stuck
(27:42):
with scary well especially too, it's there is like an
invincibility I think that comes with having an eating disorder,
or like some feigned invincibility where it's just you kind
of convince yourself like nothing bad is going to happen,
or it's like, oh, yeah, I know people die from this,
but it's not going to be me, or you know,
you just kind of accept like, well, if it is me,
(28:03):
it is me today, but like, let's hope it's not.
And most people don't understand that that is the narrative,
like that's often going on parallel to the experience, and
I don't think it's dramatic, and that is the reality.
There's the very strong reality of having an eating disorder,
and parents really need to be in clued into that
that their kid might not be able to stop. It's
(28:25):
not like some punishment towards them, or it's not like
some acting out against them. Oftentimes it is just it
becomes an entrenched behavior and it's really hard to stop
it if you don't have the skills or the tools
or the resources to stop it. I mean, I think
it it is important actually for parents to hear something
like that, because oftentimes I do think unfortunately, at least
(28:46):
by the time kids end up in my office, parents
are at their wits end and really frustrated with their
child and think that they're doing it for X, Y
Z reason. And you know, I want to circle back
to something you said at the beginning before we go,
or kind of the beginning. You said you think it's
very important for kids to have a safe adult to
talk to that is not their parents, And I want
(29:07):
you to just quickly say why that is, because I mean,
I get it, and I understand, but I feel like
some parents might take offense to that of like, well,
but I'm the parents, so I don't need another adult.
But why would that be important. It doesn't mean your
kid loves you any less or they're not going to
connect with you. But can you break that down? Yes,
(29:28):
So it's funny you say that because I've certainly had
a lot of parents be very threatened by me, which
is it's hilarious to think about because I'm not a
threatening force at all, but just in that I was
close with their child or you know, heard their child
in a way that was different than how they hurt them,
And I think that can be very threatening for parents.
They want to be the person that their child goes to.
(29:50):
They created the child, or adopted the child, or whatever
the child is theirs. You want to set your child
up for success in the world, and you want to
set them up for success in terms of being able
to resource, so being able to talk to other adults,
or be be honest with other people, be open with
(30:11):
other people. And also I think you're teaching them how
to trust, and hopefully the person that they are putting
trust in is a trusted person and is not going
to cause them harm. But I do think that it's
really valuable for for children to have more than one
adult in their life, and especially more than just their
parents or a family member. I think it can be
extraordinarily useful for them to know, like, I can talk
(30:34):
to this person, They're not judging me, there's no the
stakes are low. Really. I think that's a lot of it,
because when you talk to your parents about things as
a kid, you might get in trouble. You might you know,
be reprimanded, there might be some sort of consequence versus
if you're talking to a therapist say, as a kid,
they might talk with your parents, or they might encourage
(30:54):
you to talk with your parents, but you're not in
trouble with them. You know they're not judging you, hopefully. Um.
I can only speak for myself, and I certainly don't
judge my clients for what they share with me, especially
the young ones, and I think that that's really powerful
to be a young person and to not feel judgment
from an adult. It's huge. Well, thank you. Yeah, I'm
(31:17):
glad you said that. So, Jess Sprinkle, thank you so
much for coming back on out way for the second
time and again. Everyone can find you on Instagram. You
are the cranky therapist. I'm sure sure we'll have you
on again at some point, but I appreciate you joining
me in this conversation and being my expert, especially since
(31:38):
Lisa is not here with us today and she sends
her love says hi to everyone. But yeah, Jess, thank
you so much. Thank you so much for having me.
Super exciting to be here again.
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown