October 8, 2022 • 17 mins
OUTWEIGH: Kayla Carson (RDN, cPTs, & director at Odyssey Eating Disorder Network) is our expert guest for the next 3 weeks with Amy. In this episode (1 of 3) they talk about using "wellness" as an identity and/or hobby, being unwell in a smaller body & well in a larger body, and more!
KAYLA'S BIO:
Kayla Carson has extensive expertise in the eating disorder and substance use disorder field. As a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist (RDN), she has worked directly with clients in treatment centers struggling with eating disorders and co-occurring disorders for nearly a decade. She is also a certified body movement specialist and a public speaker. Kayla received her bachelor’s degree in Nutrition & Dietetics with a minor in Movement Instruction from Indiana University and completed her Dietetic Internship at Loyola University Chicago. She has a passion for helping individuals find food freedom and mindful movement by breaking the chains of physique training and diet culture. Kayla enjoys connecting with other clinicians in the field and strives to be the first call to connect clients to quality higher levels of care when in need.
To contact Amy about Outweigh: hello@outweighpodcast.com
Best places to find more about Amy: RadioAmy.com + @RadioAmy
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out out way everything that
I'm made do, won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who everybody me. It's beautiful
and then will always out way if you feel it
(00:24):
with joy in the air, She'll love to the boom
that Let's say good day and time did you and
die out? Happy Saturday outweigh fam. Three weeks have gone by,
so now we have another expert. Hey, Kayla, Hey, how's going?
Kayla Carson is our expert for the next three weeks.
(00:46):
It's fun to bring on new people every few weeks
or so and hear what information you have for us,
what tools you can help us put in our toolbox
as we're either exploring recovery or trying to even figure
out do we need to recover every as we try
to stay in recovery. And so, Kaylea, I know you're
a registered dietitian and you work in this field. You're
(01:08):
very passionate about eating disorder recovery. You have your own
personal story, but I'll let you share some of your
background and why you're so passionate about this. Yeah, So,
I'm I'm a registered dietitian. My I got into nutrition
in college. I started out as a business major, which
was actually ties into my role now, but getting into
(01:28):
nutrition was really surrounded around sort of a weight loss
and a wellness journey which really looked a lot like
disordered eating and unhealthy obsession with exercise. I didn't know
it at the time. Then I ended up doing all
the things I needed to do to become a registered dietitian,
and I found myself working in an eating disorder treatment center,
(01:49):
and boy was it eye opening. UM. So, I've worked
in eating disorders for the past gosh, about ten years
as a direct clinician. I've worked in some leadership space
as well, and always as a direct indirect care for nutrition,
and through that, um, I've just been really passionate about
(02:09):
helping others sort of see their journey with recovery and
and maybe the sort of sneaky, secretive disordered eating can
play a role in people's lives just through wellness culture
and society and diet culture and the kind of all
the all the things that you touch on and on
the podcast. Well, that leads me to what I want
(02:30):
to discuss for week one with you, which is using
wellness as an identity and or a hobby, because I
feel like that's likely what happened to you happened to
me for sure, and so many listening. So let's unpack that.
I've thought about this a lot recently for some reason,
but I think, you know, growing up, I was the
(02:51):
youngest of four, I sort of always followed my siblings. Um,
I never necessarily had like my own hobbies are I
that the I like did dance and cheerleading, but also
not to get into like all of my of bringing
trauma and everything. I also just had a lot of perfectionism,
and so it was rooted into this perfectionism. When I
(03:14):
got into college and started to exercise, I noticed my
body was changing. And it was at first was an organic,
you know experience. I wasn't starting to exercise to you know,
go on a weight lost journey or anything like that.
It just kind of happened, and then it started to
pick up. So lots of you know, comments about my
(03:35):
body and oh my gosh, you've lost so much weight
and you look so good, and there were just so
many things associated with that experience that then made me
change my major to nutrition and personal training. And then
I just became the quote healthy friend. So it was
(03:55):
everything that I did. I mean to the point where
when I would go out with friends in college, I
didn't want to be caught, you know, doing something unhealthy
because I was always at the gym and I was
working at the gym, and people knew I studied nutrition
and said it was like, oh gosh, if they see
me like binge drinking or something that doesn't align with
(04:17):
this identity that I've created in wellness. And so as
time has gone by and I've sort of the mirror
has been turned on me. When I stumbled into treating
needing disorders, I kind of had this like identity crisis
of gosh, am I got the health Like I'm not
really the healthy friend anymore because I opened my window
(04:39):
of different foods and I you know, listened to my
body when I need to exercise. And so really for
the last ten years it's been this extreme identity and
health and wellness and then sort of unraveling that, like
figuring out who am I outside of this hobby and
outside of this identity. And I think sometimes my friends
(05:01):
and family get confused. They're like, I don't know who
you are. Yeah, And I think that when I got
wrapped up with it all, like being the quote unquote
healthy friend or the go to resource for what's the
next latest fad that we need to try, or what's
the food or how do we cook this? And what
is I could think back over the years all the
different things, and similar to you, I had friends coming
(05:25):
to me for things because that was all that I
talked about. But while you were studying it and become
a personal trainer, So I really do feel like you
were learning and growing in that field. It's not a
label that I asked for directly, but indirectly I asked
for it because it was all consuming for me, and
that's what everyone else around me saw that I was
consumed with. So then they would talk to me about it,
(05:45):
and then I kind of felt like a fraud because like,
why are they asking me all these questions? I don't
know what I'm talking about. And then now that I'm
on the outside of it, looking back, I know exactly
why they were asking me the questions because it's all
that I talked about it, and I'm sure it was
exhausting for some people, and then others they're like well,
I guess this is what we'll talk to Amy about
because this is what interests her, which is okay if
(06:06):
you have something that you're interested and passionate about and
you want to talk about it. But it was something I,
like I said, indirectly put on myself and I didn't
want it and I didn't like it, and similar to you,
then when I wanted to eat certain things that didn't
align with what I had been preaching, then I felt
this shame and then it was this awful cycle. Yeah,
(06:27):
I think the the most unique period it was when
I started to heal and you know, started to open
up two different foods and and allow people to open
up to different foods and not be the gotee resource
for it need to lose weight or need to do
this diet or what are you? What are your recommendations?
(06:47):
And then like for me personally, those people started to
go outside of me. So then there was this like weird,
they don't know what they're talking about. I know what
I'm talking about, but I don't want you to come
to me because that's not me anymore. And it's a
work in progress. Still. Yeah, we say, you know, if
you're not evolving you're dead. So yes, yes, yes, And
(07:09):
so now I still am in this place where like, well,
now what is my hobby. I still exercise, I still
like to run, I still like to try new recipes,
and I still like to eat foods that are nourishing
to my body. It's just crossed into or of taking
care of myself and it is my hobby and my
obsession and everything that I eat, live and breathe. There
(07:32):
is kind of an identity crisis in recovery that people
experience quite a bit, and I think there's also an
identity crisis. And when our body starts to shift and change,
whichever direction it may go, you don't know in recovery
if it's going to go, you know, one way or
the other, and you can't control that because that's a
(07:53):
thing you're no longer trying to control that. And so
let's talk about some of the things that may go
through someone's head when their body is shifting, and how
just because your body is smaller that doesn't equal well,
or because it's larger that is unwell, or it could
be vice versa. Let's talk about some of the things
(08:20):
that may go through someone's head when their body is
shifting and how just because your body is smaller that
doesn't equal well, or because it's larger that is unwell,
or it could be vice versa. Yeah, I always kind
of pull it back to my personal experience, and professionally
(08:41):
I see this in clients often. So when I was
running marathons and you know, eating what I thought was
extremely healthy and and doing all the things that I
felt like as a dietician or things I should be
doing your foods that should be filling my body with.
I was also iron deficient and be twelve deficient, and
(09:03):
was dizzy when I stood up, and I also could
fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and I
just thought those were parts of me. I just thought
my mom had low iron and my sister gets dizzy
when she wakes up or stands up. To normalize all
these things, and it's kind of like the lies that
the eating disorder will tell you. And so at the
same time, I I think I kind of knew that
(09:27):
I needed to be adequately nourishing, I needed to be
eating more, but I wasn't like really capable of doing
it at that time, and so my body was quite small. However,
I didn't ever believe it. So I would choose a
shirt that was a smaller and extra small and it
would fit me, but I would say, what do people
(09:48):
where do people shop who were actually small? So I
had this extreme body dysmorphia in my mind that like
the shirts had expressed, they ran small. And then of course,
like look at a photo of your you and your friends,
you wigne yourself up compared to everybody, and it's like, oh, gosh,
I look the biggest, or oh I'm actually the same
(10:08):
size as her, but no, that's just the angle in
the picture. She's so much smaller than me. So with
that then you start to you know, renourish and maybe
reduce the volume of activity. And for my body, my
body definitely changed, not quite a bit, but it definitely
has changed since those like extra small T shirt days
(10:31):
and size you know whatever pants just not saying numbers
to protect anybody who might be listening, who's struggling right now.
And so with that there is this internal dialogue of like, man,
I feel like I need to tell people when my
body has changed, and I feel like I need to
lead with that, like, well, I know that I'm not
(10:52):
as small as I used to be, and here's why.
And I don't do that because it isn't necessary. We
do not have to explain our bodies. We don't have
to explain why our body has changed one way or
the other. And I know that intellectually, and I know
that it is much more healthy for me to say,
(11:12):
I'm just showing up today and my my body doesn't
have to be explained. Some people's bodies really don't change
that drastically, and some people's do. And the body image
piece is really sort of the last piece of the
puzzle when it comes to recovery, and it's also a
moving target. There's days you can look in the mirror
and feel okay about what you see, and there's days
(11:32):
that you look in the mirror and really not like
what you see. And there's days where you might feel indifferent.
But we have to acknowledge that what we see with
our eyes isn't always what's happening. We never see our
bodies in three dimension, not ever. So we can see
other people's bodies in three D, but never our own,
and so there's just a lot. I mean, we could
(11:54):
probably talk about this for an hour, and and with that,
I think the biggest challenge is being okay with the
way that my body has changed, and not feeling like
I have to explain why my body has changed, and
then reminding yourself that your body is not your identity
and that doesn't make up who you are or why
(12:14):
people want to hang out with you, And if that
is why for one reason or another, then maybe those
are the people that you need to hang out with. Absolutely,
I always remind myself to like, I don't choose friends
based off of how big or small their body is,
or how pretty or not pretty, like by whatever societal
standards that is. So people of course are not doing
(12:37):
that either, And like, the reality is that people might
be thinking things about my body. That's what society does,
and that's okay. They can think whatever they want. Their
thoughts are not my responsibility and I don't have to
act on it. And we also can't read people's minds,
so we're not sure. But like, it's very possible that
I show up to a place where someone doesn't see
(12:59):
me in a while and they might be thinking her
body's changed. Well, and I know you recently had a
baby too, So that involves women's bodies changing throughout the
whole process from the moment you realize you're pregnant. Each
month your body is going through significant changes, and especially postpartum.
How has postpartum body image been for you and what
(13:19):
are the expectations that you feel women have And I
feel like, you know, bounce back culture is extremely high.
It was in my last couple of months of pregnancy
that I was already getting ads on Instagram and people
reaching out for different diets and things like that. Thankfully,
I'm really strong and I can just say like no,
(13:41):
thank you, or not say anything at all, and I'll say,
you know, not only did I have this postpartum body,
but I also had a C section, so there were
there's like a new scar that I have never had
before and physical incapabilities that I wasn't expecting. So you
put all of that to other with hormones and all
(14:01):
the things, and then underneath some there's been thoughts of like, well,
at least to have an excuse right now, so being
like not healthy, I need to say that out loud,
get it out of my mind so that it stops
bouncing back and forth, and own it. Because like, even
though you can have all the tools and the healthiest
(14:21):
thoughts and feel really firm in your recovery, these not
still pop up. There was a moment where I told
my husband, like, man, the disordered eating voice is really
strong in my mind and right now it's saying like
I just want to not eat and get as thin
as I possibly can. And this was within a month
after being or having our baby, and so lots of challenges.
(14:43):
I would say, for if somebody is, you know, in
recovery from their eating disorder or even maybe not having
a firm recovery, pregnancy certainly has its beautiful gifts, but
there's also this toxic positivity. I think with a postpartum
body sometimes lines of like wow, my body is just
did this amazing thing. It's so strong and so capable.
(15:07):
And while I do feel those things, I still look
in the mirror and I'm like, whose body is this?
This is weird. There's things and places that didn't used
to be. I can barely run a mile when I've
run twenty six point to you before in the past,
and then at the same time just having to again
like pull back to what's true. I'm nourishing my body.
(15:29):
I'm getting back into physical wellness, and there's no timeline
for that. It's that identity thing popping up again, looking
at who am I like. That's definitely been the theme
for this chat. And I love that you you, being
an experts, you're able to recognize right away, but you're
like ding and it went off in your head. And
(15:49):
that's what I hope for people listening is that sometimes
sometimes those thoughts you may not catch them, but hopefully
you'll get to the point where you will sort of
have that mental ding and then you mention and I
need to say that out loud and get it out
of my head. Is that part of your process or
what would you recommend for people that have a ding moment?
Should they say it out loud? Should they journal it?
(16:09):
What have you found to be helpful? I think anytime
you can pull it from your silo, it just reduces
its strength. And so when we're in our own mind,
we can let those thoughts just fester and kind of
build and build, and we're not able to have a
sounding board. So for some people's safety looks like journaling.
(16:30):
For some people's safety looks like just saying it on
their own, and for others, it looks like talking to
their therapists, their dietitian their best friend, someone who's healthy
to allow it to kind of reduce its strength. And
once you say it, a lot of times it's like, Okay,
that wasn't quite as big as like what was here?
You know, in my mind it's it's just like getting
(16:52):
it out of out of the isolation thing. Eating disorders,
they thrive in isolation. So if you keep the thoughts,
will just keep building and building and building. That's the truth.
Well that's Chat number one with Kayla, and Kayla will
be back the next two weeks. And next week we're
talking about something that I don't think we've ever talked
(17:12):
about on the podcast, which is prioritizing recovery socially and
financially and what that looks like. And then you mentioned
perfectionism today, Kayla, So I want to talk a little
bit more about that and even diving more into body
image and body dysmorphia. So we will see y'all in
Bye bye
I won't let my body out out way everything that
I'm made do, won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who everybody me. It's beautiful
and then will always out way if you feel it
(00:24):
with joy in the air, She'll love to the boom
that Let's say good day and time did you and
die out? Happy Saturday outweigh fam. Three weeks have gone by,
so now we have another expert. Hey, Kayla, Hey, how's going?
Kayla Carson is our expert for the next three weeks.
(00:46):
It's fun to bring on new people every few weeks
or so and hear what information you have for us,
what tools you can help us put in our toolbox
as we're either exploring recovery or trying to even figure
out do we need to recover every as we try
to stay in recovery. And so, Kaylea, I know you're
a registered dietitian and you work in this field. You're
(01:08):
very passionate about eating disorder recovery. You have your own
personal story, but I'll let you share some of your
background and why you're so passionate about this. Yeah, So,
I'm I'm a registered dietitian. My I got into nutrition
in college. I started out as a business major, which
was actually ties into my role now, but getting into
(01:28):
nutrition was really surrounded around sort of a weight loss
and a wellness journey which really looked a lot like
disordered eating and unhealthy obsession with exercise. I didn't know
it at the time. Then I ended up doing all
the things I needed to do to become a registered dietitian,
and I found myself working in an eating disorder treatment center,
(01:49):
and boy was it eye opening. UM. So, I've worked
in eating disorders for the past gosh, about ten years
as a direct clinician. I've worked in some leadership space
as well, and always as a direct indirect care for nutrition,
and through that, um, I've just been really passionate about
(02:09):
helping others sort of see their journey with recovery and
and maybe the sort of sneaky, secretive disordered eating can
play a role in people's lives just through wellness culture
and society and diet culture and the kind of all
the all the things that you touch on and on
the podcast. Well, that leads me to what I want
(02:30):
to discuss for week one with you, which is using
wellness as an identity and or a hobby, because I
feel like that's likely what happened to you happened to
me for sure, and so many listening. So let's unpack that.
I've thought about this a lot recently for some reason,
but I think, you know, growing up, I was the
(02:51):
youngest of four, I sort of always followed my siblings. Um,
I never necessarily had like my own hobbies are I
that the I like did dance and cheerleading, but also
not to get into like all of my of bringing
trauma and everything. I also just had a lot of perfectionism,
and so it was rooted into this perfectionism. When I
(03:14):
got into college and started to exercise, I noticed my
body was changing. And it was at first was an organic,
you know experience. I wasn't starting to exercise to you know,
go on a weight lost journey or anything like that.
It just kind of happened, and then it started to
pick up. So lots of you know, comments about my
(03:35):
body and oh my gosh, you've lost so much weight
and you look so good, and there were just so
many things associated with that experience that then made me
change my major to nutrition and personal training. And then
I just became the quote healthy friend. So it was
(03:55):
everything that I did. I mean to the point where
when I would go out with friends in college, I
didn't want to be caught, you know, doing something unhealthy
because I was always at the gym and I was
working at the gym, and people knew I studied nutrition
and said it was like, oh gosh, if they see
me like binge drinking or something that doesn't align with
(04:17):
this identity that I've created in wellness. And so as
time has gone by and I've sort of the mirror
has been turned on me. When I stumbled into treating
needing disorders, I kind of had this like identity crisis
of gosh, am I got the health Like I'm not
really the healthy friend anymore because I opened my window
(04:39):
of different foods and I you know, listened to my
body when I need to exercise. And so really for
the last ten years it's been this extreme identity and
health and wellness and then sort of unraveling that, like
figuring out who am I outside of this hobby and
outside of this identity. And I think sometimes my friends
(05:01):
and family get confused. They're like, I don't know who
you are. Yeah, And I think that when I got
wrapped up with it all, like being the quote unquote
healthy friend or the go to resource for what's the
next latest fad that we need to try, or what's
the food or how do we cook this? And what
is I could think back over the years all the
different things, and similar to you, I had friends coming
(05:25):
to me for things because that was all that I
talked about. But while you were studying it and become
a personal trainer, So I really do feel like you
were learning and growing in that field. It's not a
label that I asked for directly, but indirectly I asked
for it because it was all consuming for me, and
that's what everyone else around me saw that I was
consumed with. So then they would talk to me about it,
(05:45):
and then I kind of felt like a fraud because like,
why are they asking me all these questions? I don't
know what I'm talking about. And then now that I'm
on the outside of it, looking back, I know exactly
why they were asking me the questions because it's all
that I talked about it, and I'm sure it was
exhausting for some people, and then others they're like well,
I guess this is what we'll talk to Amy about
because this is what interests her, which is okay if
(06:06):
you have something that you're interested and passionate about and
you want to talk about it. But it was something I,
like I said, indirectly put on myself and I didn't
want it and I didn't like it, and similar to you,
then when I wanted to eat certain things that didn't
align with what I had been preaching, then I felt
this shame and then it was this awful cycle. Yeah,
(06:27):
I think the the most unique period it was when
I started to heal and you know, started to open
up two different foods and and allow people to open
up to different foods and not be the gotee resource
for it need to lose weight or need to do
this diet or what are you? What are your recommendations?
(06:47):
And then like for me personally, those people started to
go outside of me. So then there was this like weird,
they don't know what they're talking about. I know what
I'm talking about, but I don't want you to come
to me because that's not me anymore. And it's a
work in progress. Still. Yeah, we say, you know, if
you're not evolving you're dead. So yes, yes, yes, And
(07:09):
so now I still am in this place where like, well,
now what is my hobby. I still exercise, I still
like to run, I still like to try new recipes,
and I still like to eat foods that are nourishing
to my body. It's just crossed into or of taking
care of myself and it is my hobby and my
obsession and everything that I eat, live and breathe. There
(07:32):
is kind of an identity crisis in recovery that people
experience quite a bit, and I think there's also an
identity crisis. And when our body starts to shift and change,
whichever direction it may go, you don't know in recovery
if it's going to go, you know, one way or
the other, and you can't control that because that's a
(07:53):
thing you're no longer trying to control that. And so
let's talk about some of the things that may go
through someone's head when their body is shifting, and how
just because your body is smaller that doesn't equal well,
or because it's larger that is unwell, or it could
be vice versa. Let's talk about some of the things
(08:20):
that may go through someone's head when their body is
shifting and how just because your body is smaller that
doesn't equal well, or because it's larger that is unwell,
or it could be vice versa. Yeah, I always kind
of pull it back to my personal experience, and professionally
(08:41):
I see this in clients often. So when I was
running marathons and you know, eating what I thought was
extremely healthy and and doing all the things that I
felt like as a dietician or things I should be
doing your foods that should be filling my body with.
I was also iron deficient and be twelve deficient, and
(09:03):
was dizzy when I stood up, and I also could
fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and I
just thought those were parts of me. I just thought
my mom had low iron and my sister gets dizzy
when she wakes up or stands up. To normalize all
these things, and it's kind of like the lies that
the eating disorder will tell you. And so at the
same time, I I think I kind of knew that
(09:27):
I needed to be adequately nourishing, I needed to be
eating more, but I wasn't like really capable of doing
it at that time, and so my body was quite small. However,
I didn't ever believe it. So I would choose a
shirt that was a smaller and extra small and it
would fit me, but I would say, what do people
(09:48):
where do people shop who were actually small? So I
had this extreme body dysmorphia in my mind that like
the shirts had expressed, they ran small. And then of course,
like look at a photo of your you and your friends,
you wigne yourself up compared to everybody, and it's like, oh, gosh,
I look the biggest, or oh I'm actually the same
(10:08):
size as her, but no, that's just the angle in
the picture. She's so much smaller than me. So with
that then you start to you know, renourish and maybe
reduce the volume of activity. And for my body, my
body definitely changed, not quite a bit, but it definitely
has changed since those like extra small T shirt days
(10:31):
and size you know whatever pants just not saying numbers
to protect anybody who might be listening, who's struggling right now.
And so with that there is this internal dialogue of like, man,
I feel like I need to tell people when my
body has changed, and I feel like I need to
lead with that, like, well, I know that I'm not
(10:52):
as small as I used to be, and here's why.
And I don't do that because it isn't necessary. We
do not have to explain our bodies. We don't have
to explain why our body has changed one way or
the other. And I know that intellectually, and I know
that it is much more healthy for me to say,
(11:12):
I'm just showing up today and my my body doesn't
have to be explained. Some people's bodies really don't change
that drastically, and some people's do. And the body image
piece is really sort of the last piece of the
puzzle when it comes to recovery, and it's also a
moving target. There's days you can look in the mirror
and feel okay about what you see, and there's days
(11:32):
that you look in the mirror and really not like
what you see. And there's days where you might feel indifferent.
But we have to acknowledge that what we see with
our eyes isn't always what's happening. We never see our
bodies in three dimension, not ever. So we can see
other people's bodies in three D, but never our own,
and so there's just a lot. I mean, we could
(11:54):
probably talk about this for an hour, and and with that,
I think the biggest challenge is being okay with the
way that my body has changed, and not feeling like
I have to explain why my body has changed, and
then reminding yourself that your body is not your identity
and that doesn't make up who you are or why
(12:14):
people want to hang out with you, And if that
is why for one reason or another, then maybe those
are the people that you need to hang out with. Absolutely,
I always remind myself to like, I don't choose friends
based off of how big or small their body is,
or how pretty or not pretty, like by whatever societal
standards that is. So people of course are not doing
(12:37):
that either, And like, the reality is that people might
be thinking things about my body. That's what society does,
and that's okay. They can think whatever they want. Their
thoughts are not my responsibility and I don't have to
act on it. And we also can't read people's minds,
so we're not sure. But like, it's very possible that
I show up to a place where someone doesn't see
(12:59):
me in a while and they might be thinking her
body's changed. Well, and I know you recently had a
baby too, So that involves women's bodies changing throughout the
whole process from the moment you realize you're pregnant. Each
month your body is going through significant changes, and especially postpartum.
How has postpartum body image been for you and what
(13:19):
are the expectations that you feel women have And I
feel like, you know, bounce back culture is extremely high.
It was in my last couple of months of pregnancy
that I was already getting ads on Instagram and people
reaching out for different diets and things like that. Thankfully,
I'm really strong and I can just say like no,
(13:41):
thank you, or not say anything at all, and I'll say,
you know, not only did I have this postpartum body,
but I also had a C section, so there were
there's like a new scar that I have never had
before and physical incapabilities that I wasn't expecting. So you
put all of that to other with hormones and all
(14:01):
the things, and then underneath some there's been thoughts of like, well,
at least to have an excuse right now, so being
like not healthy, I need to say that out loud,
get it out of my mind so that it stops
bouncing back and forth, and own it. Because like, even
though you can have all the tools and the healthiest
(14:21):
thoughts and feel really firm in your recovery, these not
still pop up. There was a moment where I told
my husband, like, man, the disordered eating voice is really
strong in my mind and right now it's saying like
I just want to not eat and get as thin
as I possibly can. And this was within a month
after being or having our baby, and so lots of challenges.
(14:43):
I would say, for if somebody is, you know, in
recovery from their eating disorder or even maybe not having
a firm recovery, pregnancy certainly has its beautiful gifts, but
there's also this toxic positivity. I think with a postpartum
body sometimes lines of like wow, my body is just
did this amazing thing. It's so strong and so capable.
(15:07):
And while I do feel those things, I still look
in the mirror and I'm like, whose body is this?
This is weird. There's things and places that didn't used
to be. I can barely run a mile when I've
run twenty six point to you before in the past,
and then at the same time just having to again
like pull back to what's true. I'm nourishing my body.
(15:29):
I'm getting back into physical wellness, and there's no timeline
for that. It's that identity thing popping up again, looking
at who am I like. That's definitely been the theme
for this chat. And I love that you you, being
an experts, you're able to recognize right away, but you're
like ding and it went off in your head. And
(15:49):
that's what I hope for people listening is that sometimes
sometimes those thoughts you may not catch them, but hopefully
you'll get to the point where you will sort of
have that mental ding and then you mention and I
need to say that out loud and get it out
of my head. Is that part of your process or
what would you recommend for people that have a ding moment?
Should they say it out loud? Should they journal it?
(16:09):
What have you found to be helpful? I think anytime
you can pull it from your silo, it just reduces
its strength. And so when we're in our own mind,
we can let those thoughts just fester and kind of
build and build, and we're not able to have a
sounding board. So for some people's safety looks like journaling.
(16:30):
For some people's safety looks like just saying it on
their own, and for others, it looks like talking to
their therapists, their dietitian their best friend, someone who's healthy
to allow it to kind of reduce its strength. And
once you say it, a lot of times it's like, Okay,
that wasn't quite as big as like what was here?
You know, in my mind it's it's just like getting
(16:52):
it out of out of the isolation thing. Eating disorders,
they thrive in isolation. So if you keep the thoughts,
will just keep building and building and building. That's the truth.
Well that's Chat number one with Kayla, and Kayla will
be back the next two weeks. And next week we're
talking about something that I don't think we've ever talked
(17:12):
about on the podcast, which is prioritizing recovery socially and
financially and what that looks like. And then you mentioned
perfectionism today, Kayla, So I want to talk a little
bit more about that and even diving more into body
image and body dysmorphia. So we will see y'all in
Bye bye
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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