Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to the Fifth Thing with Amy and Cat.
What up? Cat? Hi? How are you you know? I'm here?
It's Thanksgiving week. That's my quote for today. It's from
Johnny Carson, and it's Thanksgiving related since Thanksgivings two days away.
If you're listening to this episode when it comes out
and uh, here's what was said. Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday.
(00:26):
People travel thousands of miles to be with people they
only see once a year and then discover once a
year is way too often. So what are your Thanksgiving plans?
I don't know why I always do this. I'm always like,
I'm going to my mom's but my mom and my
dad lived together. Oh, I don't know whether my parents.
I'm going to my parents house, which I'll be with
my older brother his family, and my older sister and
(00:50):
her family and then my parents. Well I'm bummed because
I invited my sister to come, but she can't come,
So it's she's filming that TV show. My sister was
on the podcast last Thursday, by the way, if you
missed that episode, and she was talking about how today
actually at noon Tuesday, November, the sneak peak of their
TV show and h G TV is airing, so I'll
(01:11):
be doing that at noon today, I'm having a little
watch party with friends. I think you'll be there. And
it's just too much going on. I think they're filming
even into right before Thanksgiving and then probably right after
and then her son has like a basketball game. You know.
She's got four kids and they run a coffee shop
and they're filming a TV show and their TV show
is based around their design business, so they had that
whole business. Nothing going on, So there's a lot going on.
(01:34):
But I'm sad, like she wasn't able to come last
year because it was COVID, But the year before that,
she came to Nashville and we hosted twenty three people
at my house and she my sister is basically Martha
Stewart in my eyes. For fifteen years, I've called her
that because she just has attention to detail and does
everything so cute, and that's not my gift. I would
(01:54):
serve on disposable plates, no okay, and no shame if
that's what you do. But my sister is the type
that's like, no food tastes better off of real plates,
and we need to make table settings and place cards
and make people feel special and put their names on
apples and you know, like they're little things that do
look really cute. And I was really excited so she
(02:16):
could come to my house to hear and do that
give us that cute vibe. But she can't come. So
I'm hosting, but I'm going to use real plates. I
guess in honors on apples. I don't know yet. Maybe
we did do it the year we stuck like we
got like an apple and I think we stuck like
a toothpick or something in it, and then had like
a name card, like we glued this little paper and
(02:37):
she wrote and pretty handwriting. Yeah, I mean it was cute.
And then everyone knew where to sit because we got
twenty three people. It's like, just go ahead and tell
people where they need to go. But I will be
having a hodgepodge of people really kind of anybody at work.
I've said, if you don't have anywhere to go, like,
you're welcome to come to my house. I've got, you know,
my kids, my family, and my in laws are coming.
I am sad my dad won't be here. This is
(02:58):
my first like real holiday. He died earlier this year,
but I feel like I know this story and how
it goes like I went through with my mom, but
I don't know. Something feels different because he was supposed
to be here. He was supposed to be living with me.
So I am processing that and leaving space for that
if I need to deal with that. And what we're
going to talk about today is expectation of the holidays,
and Cat's going to give us some wonderful license therapist
(03:21):
type wisdom. I'm just speaking from personal experience, But what
I planned to do is give myself space to do
what I need to do and not and those that
are around me that need to know, like if I
have to kind of take a break, I take a break.
I don't want to just keep going and trying to
stay busy and mask anything I'm feeling. I think I'm
going to bring in some recipes my dad would absolutely
(03:42):
have at Thanksgiving. Mean, he's been at my house the
last three Thanksgivings in Nashville. Two of them he was
living here, but then another one he visited. And you know,
it was just always used to being able to at
least call my dad, even though he was on a
feeding to the last few years he knows recipes, he
knows how to cook, and I even texted my sister
earlier this week and I'm like, shoot, I don't have
Dad's dressing recipe, like a stuffing dressing. I love his,
(04:06):
it's my favorite. It's so good. And he does a
combo of corn bread and white bread, and my mom
always did only corn bread, and I know how to
do hers. Hers was good too, but it's a different vibe.
There's like sage and celery and a hard boiled egg
broken up in there. But I texted my sister, She's like, honestly,
I don't know if he if it's a if it's
just the egg whites or it's the whole hard boiled egg,
(04:28):
or or how much but he used buttermilk. She's like,
I remember there was buttermilk. And I'm trying not to
get emotional right now talking about it, but it sucks.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. If
you have living family members and you like some of
their food, have them write it down right now because
they're not always going to be around. And this is
gonna be a way where I'm bringing my dad into
the Thanksgiving Day, like I'm making the dressing will make
(04:50):
Alabama mac and cheese yo, which also makes me think
of my mom and my dad and my extended family
in Alabama. And then I mean, I'm from Texas. Some
people are confused by that, but my mom was born
and raised in Alabama and she met my dad in Alabama.
So they first started out in Alabama and then moved
to Texas in ninety six when they got together. And
we're pregnant with my sister before they got married. I know.
(05:14):
I learned that. I learned that later in life, and
I was like scandalous. I'm like, wait a second, so
let me do the math. Y'all were married in May
and Christie was born in October. What no happen? And
so anyhoo, if you got kids in the cars, sorry,
(05:35):
but um, you can explain it to them later. So
write it all down, like just talk to them. Don't
waste any time, especially if you are going to see
family this Thanksgiving or this Christmas holiday season, it's the
perfect time to just put out a pen and paper
or a journal and have family members just write down
their favorite recipes that they have in their brains or
(05:56):
photocopy or recipe they keep somehow you need to get
a handle on that, because yeah, I don't know what
emotions him and experienced him not being here and it
was it did hit me this week when I was
trying to figure out the recipe and I was like, Ah,
this sucks, but that's okay. It does and I'm gonna
sit with the suck nous and not suppress it. And
(06:17):
that's all right, but in a nutshell, that's that's my plan.
And I'm fortunate to have a healthy relationship with my
in laws and they're very They're safe to me, even
with a lot of our family stuff that has been
going on the last year, they're still very safe. Like
they just make me feel they're calm, they're no drama,
they're supporting no matter what, like no judgment, and I
(06:38):
know not everybody has that. So in the spirit of
gratitude since Thanksgiving, I am thankful for healthy family relationships.
And that said, I know some people are going into
the holidays having to hang out with unhealthy friends and
family or whatever the setup is, and that can be hard,
or holidays might be a reminder of something else that's hard,
(07:01):
or a reminder of where you are in life, and
that's not where you thought you would be in life,
because you know, all these other things are around you,
and you're seeing all these other people that have all
these things and family and this and that. So Cat,
I'll let you kind of steer us where we should
go in this quick little episode that hopefully will prepare
people for what they might be encountering this week. Not
every scenario obviously, but a little bit of what we
(07:23):
can do to prepare ourselves for the holidays. Okay, thank you.
So what I think is important to acknowledge is the
fact that I know, for me, I love the holidays.
I love them, and they do bring up a lot
of emotions and feelings that are difficult and hard to
sit with. And I just think it's important to acknowledge
(07:43):
that because when we think about Thanksgiving and Christmas and
all that stuff, the word that comes to my mind
is like a family joy relationships like those are the
things that pop into my head. And there is a
lot of sadness in it too, and there's a lot
of disappointment in it too. And we were talking before
we're about I think that there's so much even in
like Hallmark movies and I just watched Love Hard Oh,
(08:06):
it's so good. Yes, I like, but that's also so unrealistic.
Oh but I know, but I've watched that You'll Love
This during a neurow feedback, so I had to. So
I've been getting neuro feedback every week and it's this.
I even was trying to ask my neurow feedback therapist
how to explain what it is, and she's like, even,
(08:26):
I have a hard time explaining to people, so I'm
not even going to try right now. But you do
put these little things on your brain, like all over
she's with wires, and then you literally get to sit
and watch a movie, a show, Netflix, whatever, But it's
the screen and the sound that's doing the work. I
did watch Love Hard, but I watched it, you know,
(08:48):
getting blurry and getting small and then big, and the
sound was sometimes loud and then quiet. To watch it again, no,
I think I got the gist of everything. But I
had to watch it in two different sessions because the
first we got through my sessions are only a certain
amount of time. And then we watched the first half
and then I got to finish the second half of
Love Hard yesterday actually, So any who, it's a good
(09:10):
holiday movie on Netflix, but also is not realistic. Yeah,
it's not realistic. And I think a lot of those
kinds of movies are not realistic, and we know that,
we know that, and there's this essence of like I
know that I feel this essence of sadness even though
I know that's not real because it's like, oh, I
want that, like I want I don't know if I
want the love Heart experience because it's a little weird,
(09:34):
but like I want those experiences and I want my
holidays to look like that, and my holidays don't look
like that, and my holidays do not look like what
I thought they would look like when I was younger
thinking about being the age I am. Now, Okay, I'm
gonna step in and say to which this will be
a setup for the fifth thing that we're going to
be sharing together next Tuesday on social media and stuff,
(09:56):
because it's not just Hallmark Christmas movies or any Christmas
movie because like I feel like, yeah, Netflix has them,
now Lifetime has them. But you also, when you're pulling
up social media can do that same game of like,
oh my gosh, look at their family Thanksgiving and what
in the world Like that is nothing like what I
have going on here. Look at their house full of people,
(10:17):
and you might be sitting at home alone or just
with one or two people, and that's something just feels
there's like this comparison. But you also can be on
a house full of people and feel alone. Oh absolutely,
That's what I'm saying, is like, don't judge it just
by like what you think is what is really happening.
I mean, when I was posting my fun Thanksgiving pictures
(10:38):
from nineteen pre COVID, when I had the big celebration,
it was a joyful time for me, but it also
was really hard because behind the scenes, my dad was struggling.
We're off to the side, pouring you know, his food
into a tube down his stomach so that he can
sit at the table and be around. And I didn't
make video of that of like the hard parts of
(11:00):
having to process that with my dad, or my sister
and I fighting about real plates or not or or
missing our mom or different things like there's I don't
know if that's like the best example, but I'm just
saying I didn't post. You don't post all the hard stuff,
but that might not help take away the feelings of
like a loneliness, like, well, at least you had a
(11:21):
houseful of people and I had nobody. Yeah, if there's
that kind of comparison, I did an episode on this
on you NEI Therapy two weeks ago on toxic positivity,
(11:42):
and what you just said is like kind of like that,
well at least I had But it's like you had
pain and I had pain. They're both painful in their
own right. And I think that around the holidays there's
this influx of I should just look at what I
do have. I should just be like, yes, we can
be grateful and sad, rather than I should just be
(12:02):
happy because those people are happier. Those people don't have
that when I have a lot, I do have a lot.
I have a loving family, like I have somewhere to go.
I can't say enough good things about my family. And
there are so many things that I could like cry
and snap of a finger about when it comes to
the holidays, there's so many things, and so I just
(12:24):
think the first thing I want to even address is
that that's real and for us to be able to
acknowledge that this is tough, because the more we ignore it,
I feel like the more that we actually just make
it worse for ourselves, you know, And the more we
ignore it, then we're not talking about it, and then
we feel really alone. I put up a question yesterday
on my Instagram and said, like, I want to know
(12:45):
the good things, and I also really want to know
one of the tough things about the holidays that people
aren't talking about or you're making jokes about, but they're
really hard. And it's one of the most responded to
questions I've ever had on on my Instagram account, and
so many people were so and the quickness people were
to respond it was like immediately so many people were
(13:05):
talking about the struggles that they were preparing to experience
or experiencing now about the next two months, and I'm like, yeah,
you're not by yourself. I wish everybody could see, not
to like co miserate, but to see that, like we're
actually not alone in that. And when we're not alone
in that, that almost makes me feel like more understood
or more cared for in a sense, like I'm not
(13:26):
the only one that's sad about this. It's not just me. Yeah,
you're not making it up, yeah, or you're not being dramatic,
not being dramatic yeah, this is a legitimate thing to
be sad about. And so whether it's you're sad about
somebody being not around anymore, or you maybe you're single
and you thought you were going to be in a relationship,
maybe you just went through a breakup. Maybe you have
(13:48):
family conflicts, maybe a family member is sick, or maybe
family member struggling with addiction, or maybe you're battling depression
because of something else. But I think that I want
to create more space for people want to talk about that,
because if we didn't talk about it, we also then
are better able to ask for what we need. And
that's been a growing pain for me around this time,
(14:09):
because I want to show up and be like I'm fine,
Like I want to show up to Thanksgiving and be like,
I'm fine, I'm fine, there's nothing's wrong. I'm just happy
to be here, even though I feel like the odd
man out at this table. Do you want to elaborate
on that? Yeah, okay, well, okay, so I'm thirty two,
I'm going to be thirty two. I'm December four, Okay,
thank you. I'll remind you every week I haven't in
(14:31):
my calendar. Okay, great. Um, so I'm thirty two and
I'm one of four kids. I am the third, and
everybody in my family is married except for me. And
then two of my siblings have kids, which I'm so
happy for, and everybody has their own family except me.
My family is still my family. That makes sense, Like
(14:51):
I don't have my own so I know how. I
know that my family loves when I come and I
play such an important role and they want me there
at the same time. I show up and I'm like, well,
where do I fit? And a lot of times I fit.
I love it. But I fit next to my nieces
like I'm like, I'm the cool aunt because I'm like,
they don't think I'm a grown up. And they don't
(15:12):
think I'm a grown up because I don't have what
traditionally people look at and those are grown up things.
But you have your own practice where you have therapists
that like a work under your you own a home,
yeah I do, I do. But your kid's table, you
know what. I Well, I'm not at the kid's table,
but they and I love sitting by them, so I
don't mind it. But it's like that's where I fit.
(15:33):
It's like Aunt Kat is going to sit next to
Mary Ben and Addie and that's I love that because
I love I just I'm obsessed with them. But even
the other day, we were at dinner and I said
something to one of my nieces and she goes, I
said something like I have to do something. I have
to be a grown up, and she goes, aunt, Cat,
you're not a grown up and I said, yes, I am,
and she says, no, you're not. I go and I
(15:54):
did what you just said. I go, I have my
own business, like kind of prove that, and she goes,
what's a bit business? And I was like, okay, I'm
like trying to defend myself to this like four year
old and I need to back up. But it's like traditionally,
and she used to always ask and it was like
so sweet too. She'd like, and Cat, where's your prince?
Why don't you have a prince? And I'm like, how
(16:15):
do I get her stop asking these questions? And there
that's all around stuff, Trigg, And it's like all around
these family functions, which I'm so happy to be there,
and then it's that reminder that like, oh, you're a
little different, and I so agree with what you just said,
like I have so much. I do have a lot
of wonderful things that I'm so proud and grateful to have.
And that part is still hard because traditionally around the holidays,
(16:40):
it's like all this stuff about your romantic partner and
your family and this and the Christmas card, and if
I did a Christmas card, it would be me, you know,
and well, and I don't say that to like damp
in the mood, but I just say that because I've
had to acknowledge that that is so it's hard for me.
So I can then ask for what I need from
(17:00):
my family. Before I was just pretending like everything was fine,
and then I would like cry. And so how does
just quickly you asking for what you need look like
if someone listening is like, okay, wow, I need to
kind of grow up and how I'm handling this and
in in your maybe your family is not in the
right place to hear what you need, but let's pretend
(17:21):
in the perfect they are, because maybe you can help
them get there and you'll you'll it's probably hard for
you to even implement the stuff you being the listener,
and even me, I'm learning so much all the time.
But what would that look like like walk through what
that might look like telling your family what you need. Well,
I think that certain comments people make, they don't realize
(17:41):
the gravity of them unless you express that to them.
So I've had to have conversations around like I don't
like this part of my life and it's really hard
for me. So I don't want there to be jokes
about it, or I don't want you to ask me
about my relationships, or I don't want you to put
me on at this spot on the table, or I
(18:02):
need a role on Thanksgiving? Can you give me a job?
Because I want to feel like I have something that
I can bring. And then the other part is just
having the conversation to express, like I want you to
know what it feels like to be me on these
days because I might need a little extra support and
might not have like the ability to ask for in
the moment, and it's just nice to have that validated.
So if I were to have that conversation with my
(18:23):
sister or my mom my brother, it does feel nice
for them to say, like, I've never thought that about you.
I feel sad that you feel left out because you
feel like integral part of our family, and I just
want you to know that we always want you around.
Even though that doesn't fix my sadness, it's nice to
feel wanted by them and to have that conversation. That's good.
(18:44):
Just trying to be as open as possible and be like,
it's not approaching things with the like this is what
I'm feeling, not like anybody's done anything wrong, like taking
off the well, I'm just trying to save any family.
Like if you are implementing this type of conversation and
trying to speak your truth and validate, make sure it's
(19:05):
truly coming from you and what you're feeling, not any
projecting any blame or being like you always do this
and this you know it can be more so like
this is how I feel when this happens, or this
is what I'm telling myself. That's a conversation I've had
to have with multiple people and probably will for the
rest of my life. Is like, hey, you know, this
(19:27):
is what I told myself when this happened. And then
they can say whether or not it's true or not,
because until they say validate it's true, I've made up
a story that then I'm perpetuating and making worse. And
that can sound like when when I experienced blank. I
feel this, this is a story makeup and I use
that all the time and conversations with people, especially in
(19:50):
this type of environment, and then they can say like,
oh my goodness, that's actually not what I thought. Thank
you for sharing that. How can I support you? Yeah,
they're in a healthy enough place to see that too,
And if someone's not, then you know, you can like
set a boundary and be like, Okay, well I can't
have expectations from which I'm glad you said that word boundary,
(20:11):
because I think a lot of times there's just like
I have to do all these things around the holiday,
I'm obligated to do these things. And the truth is
we're not totally obligated to do everything we think we're
obligated to do, and we're allowed to set boundaries. So
maybe I need to show up late to something because
I can't spend the whole day there. That's a boundary
I can set up for myself. Or maybe I need
to leave at a certain time, or maybe I need
(20:33):
need to ask somebody to not ask a certain question
or something like that. But implementing boundaries and holding the
idea that I am worthy in in capable of setting
and having them is so important around the holidays, so important,
I agree, And to kind of put a bow on
some of the things that we mentioned, it's watch as
many Christmas movies that you want to watch. In fact,
(20:56):
Mary has a cute sweatshirt too that says, if I
don't know if you're looking for like gift ideas for
the Christmas movie watcher in your life, this is something
that shot forward um has up. It's not four things
are a squaw, but Mary made it and says, this
is my Christmas movie watching sweatshirt. And you can get
yourself one of those, or get it for a friend,
throw it on, like watch as many as you want,
but don't remember to sign. Don't start to compare your
(21:20):
life to these fairy tales. Don't compare on Instagram. Recognize
your circumstances, acknowledge both sides of things. There can be
an and it's like this is true and this is true,
not just like, well at least I have this, because
then you're ignoring the other part of you that needs
to be acknowledged. And then I feel safe. Have hard
(21:41):
conversations that help you share your voice. I guess they
don't have to be hard. Maybe I need to stop
labeling them as hard, because they're not once you get
more comfortable. Maybe it's just because I'm still in the
beginning stages of some of that in the last year
or so. They're uncomfortable. They are okay, I think they're uncomfortable.
They're really vulnerable, is what they are. And vulnerability there's
uncertainty there. There's this fear of judgment. You're exposing something
(22:06):
that well, I was just trying not to scare people. Yeah, okay,
now you're I'm not trying to scare you. But because
because vulnerability is scary. But that's okay. If we all
kind of held that idea that vulnerability is scary and
that's okay, I think we'd be more apt all do it.
And the more we would do it, the less scary
it would be. Yeah, And and I'll just say to
to what helps it become less scary to me? And
(22:29):
this is something I've had to practice and I've talked
about a lot, and I'll continue to talk about a
lot because I think it's just it's an everyday reminder.
Is if you know that you've done something in a
like a true to you way, and like it wasn't
you weren't trying to hurt anybody, but you had to
express some things or whatever. However that person then decides
to handle it, is not your problem. Now it might
(22:51):
be your problem if you're like a total jerk about something,
then it's like, okay, well that that's that's a totally
different story. But if you've done everything to your knowledge
to do it in a kind, thoughtful way, and like
what was healing for you, or was the conversation you
need to have or something, and then you are losing
sleep at night over how they're processing it, then that's
(23:14):
an unhealthy way, right. There's a love of codependence there. Yeah.
I think what you're saying is like, you can't control
people's reactions to your experience and your needs, and it's
not your responsibility to put a bow on everything. And
just because somebody reacts in a way that was unexpected
doesn't mean you did something wrong. Yeah, but um, yeah,
(23:35):
I hope you'll have a happy thanks Thanksgiving. You need
to have there, you go happy Thanksgiving? You need to
One of cats saying is have the day you need
to have And yeah, that's a good way to put it.
Have the holiday season that you need to have, and
I hope you get some good food if that's what
you need or that's what you want or you're able to.
(23:57):
If not, that's okay to right, Okay, Thanksgiving you need
to have and know that it's not. Every Thanksgiving looks
exactly what you think it looks like exactly Bye bye