June 12, 2025 • 21 mins
Imagine planning a wedding while going through cancer treatment…and your friends are dismissing your needs. In today’s Couch Talks, Amy and Kat respond to a listener navigating a common bridal shower tradition that doesn’t feel right for her: opening gifts in front of a crowd. They unpack why honoring your own comfort matters, how traditions vary more than we think, and how to speak up in tough moments without wrecking a friendship. Plus, a feel-good follow-up from “Bianca the Ray of Light” that’ll definitely make you smile.
Email: heythere@feelingthingspodcast.com
Call and leave a voicemail: 877-207-2077
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // @KatVanburen
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Good.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down.
Speaker 3 (00:05):
If you ever have feelings that you just fons Amy
and Kat gotcha Covin locking a brother, Ladies and folks,
do you just follow an the spirit where tell us
phone over real stuff to the chill stuff and the
m but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do
it just stop you feel things. This is Feeling Things
(00:28):
with Amy and Kat.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Happy Thursday. Welcome to Couch Talks the Q and a
episode to the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
And quick disclaimer before we get going and read today's emails.
Although we're answering your questions, this does not serve as
a replacement or substitute for actual therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Last week, our Couch Talks question was from a listener
named Karen who wanted to maybe change her name to
Bianca because she's over the whole Karen situation. And we
gave her some advice about radical acceptance. And we also
got a follow up email from Bianca slash Karen. So, Kat,
(01:06):
do you want to share that?
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Yeah? The subject actually said follow up from Bianca, so
maybe she's changed her name.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
She said, I appreciate your input and support.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
I will now try to go through the rest of
my day as a pure antlered ray of light.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Which that makes me laugh, like she's funny because during
the episode, Kat shared the meanings like various meanings like
in Hebrew and Karen means this. In German, Karen means this.
That's the one she left out because in German it's
hard worker. But antler was also a meaning, So that's
what she's saying, a pure antlered ray of light.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
And then she went on to say also a few things. One,
we used to have a hotel management company in town
named Isis Hospitality. I had just retired from the Air
Force and had gone back to school. And when I
saw the job fairfly that said we're hiring come work
for Isis, I laughed so hard. They changed their name
(02:05):
shortly thereafter. Oh yeah, you think as unfortunate. Number Two,
Carson Daly's Wife's name is Siri.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Who knew. I did not know that.
Speaker 4 (02:16):
I didn't even know if he was married.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I remember he was engaged to Tara Reid, Yes, when
he was on TIL I remember that anyway. And three,
the Central Park birdwatcher guy has a birding show Birding
or birdwatching.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Birding, so it's called birding.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
Didn't know that.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Okay, well, he has a birding show on National Geographic
TV now after the incident with she who will not
be named.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Which is Karen, which is what started the whole Karen thing.
But I love that we now have this update from
Bianca slash Karen because for the bird watcher, that was
such a horrible thing that happened to him, and he
gets to now look back and say, look what this
made possible.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
So he got something good out of it, and she.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Got something bad. The one point for seven million people
named Karen got something bad. So thank you for I
love that the follow up We love a good follow
up email, but also that shares some fun facts which
we can now move into our email for the actual
Couch Talks today, which is from a listener that we
(03:25):
decided to make it anonymous again. She signed her name.
She didn't say. We've asked y'all, like, hey, if you
wanted to be anonymous put that she didn't, But Kat
and I made an executive decision to make her anonymous,
although there are some details in here that would make
her very much not anonymous. So it is what it is.
So Hi, Amy and Kat, longtime listener, first time emailer,
(03:47):
I wanted to get your opinion on not opening gifts
at bridal showers, and when I first read that first sentence,
I thought, this is me talking now, not the email.
I thought, Okay, that's a simple thing, like do what
you want period in the story, but there's so much more.
I'm like, this is not about opening gifts. I'm getting
(04:08):
married in October and had two showers planned, one for
younger friends and one co ed for family and older guests.
I'm incredibly grateful for both. I get overwhelmed easily, and
splitting them up felt like a thoughtful solution. I shared
with them fun, low effort ideas for the showers, but
my sister and friends felt I was overstepping and told
me I should just show up and enjoy. I gently
(04:30):
reminded them that I have very little control over my
life right now, and I enjoy finding sprinkles on Pinterest, Instagram,
and TikTok. A little info on the lack of control
over my life right now. I was diagnosed with stage
four cancer at thirty years old, and I am currently
navigating chemo. But that's a story for another day. Recently,
I saw a meme that said, the uncomfortable feeling I
(04:54):
get when everyone watches me unwrapped gifts makes me totally
understand why the dog takes his treats into the the room.
It made me chuckle, and it also made me contemplate
having to open gifts at my bridle showers. Even if
I wasn't navigating cancer, chemo and symptoms, I would be
so stressed and feel awkward opening gifts in front of
(05:14):
that many people as I get over stimulated very easily.
I sent the meme to my two friends and sister
and said, hey, we're all aware, I don't open presents
in front of people, right with a laughing emoji. Their
response was harsh. That's the whole point. It's rude not
to Some people might be offended. You might take the
joy away from the people who got you these things.
(05:38):
Then I shared an article with alternatives and I was told,
you can find an article explaining any which way you want,
but you're gonna have to accept this. The host decided
then it was best for me to plan my own shower. Thankfully,
my mom, my mother in law, and I guess mother
in law to be and other friends have stepped in
to help, so My questions are, what's your take on
(06:00):
bride's not opening gifts at showers? Is it really that offensive?
Have you seen creative or graceful alternatives that keep the
spirit of the event intact while honoring the bride's comfort?
How do I gracefully talk to my friend about how
all this unfolded. The further along the new hosts get
and planning something that actually works for me, the more
upset I get with my other friend signed anonymous.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
So there's a lot in this, Yeah, there's a lot.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
We can't talk to the other friends. We're only getting
her side. But I am I'm frustrated with the friends
or wondering why there's not consideration, let alone. Let's say
she is cancer free. Okay, I don't think she is.
I know, let's say she was, Like, let's just say,
hypothetically remove the cancer from this. I still think I
(06:50):
would want the bride's input on what type of shower
she would like, because it is about her. Then you
throw in you've got stage four. Stage four means things
have spread to organs, difficult time. There's a lot to
process here. You know, I'm going to have hope, but
stage four is serious. So why are we not trying
(07:12):
to create the shower of this woman's dreams? Period? Who
cares if someone's going to get offended that their gift
wasn't opened in front of everybody.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Also, if you're offended that your gift was not open
in front of everybody, then we actually have bigger fish
to fry.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
There, much bigger. And then Kat was telling me before
we recorded, so she went to a shower in Alabama.
Like I'm sure state by state, country by country, culture
by culture it's very different. But in the state of Alabama, well,
I don't.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Know it's the.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Way.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
So I think what you said, yes, let's hold that
as we don't have anybody else's perspective, So we have
one perspective, and so we're going to go with the
information we have, knowing that there could be more, but
there's nothing we can do about that. But my first
thought when I was reading this, well, I had a
lot of the thoughts you were having, and then I
was reminded of the Alabama shower. We went to a
(08:07):
shower in Alabama, We brought the gifts in, the host
took the gifts, and then the host took them to
a back room unwrapped them and then displayed them on
a display table. And I was to one of my friends,
I said, oh, why.
Speaker 4 (08:24):
Did they do that?
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Because she didn't even get to see the rapping, which
I don't take pride in wrapping gifts, but a lot
of people do, I think, want to show off there
like bows and stuff.
Speaker 4 (08:34):
And she said, oh, that's just what they do here.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
The hosts will unwrap the gifts and then they'll display
them and everybody can see the gifts, but then the
majority of the shower is just spending time with the
bride or the guest of honor and mingling and talking.
And Okay, that was shocking to me because I had
never been to a shower like that, but it doesn't
mean it was wrong. I wasn't personally offended. And honestly,
(08:57):
there's plenty of people that I think that having to
watch people open presents for an hour.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
We yeah, there's people that woul dread opening them, and
then yes, people that dread the the watching and the
every gift.
Speaker 4 (09:08):
Oh yes. Second, I was.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
That a baby shower on Saturday and it was for
one of my friends, and then I had another friend
had multiple friends there.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
But as she was opening her gift show off. I
just knew multiple people there, but she was opening your gifts.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
You is that thing that you're like, oh, so cute,
so cute. And I think she opened like bottles or
like a bottle cleaner or something, and my friend just goes, oh,
that's so cute, and it's like she got up, she
walked to the back and she said, I have to
excuse myself. She was like, I'm just saying, oh, that's
(09:49):
so cute to everything, because I don't know what to
say when it's like, oh cool, you got bottles.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Yeah, so like yeah, and why do we feel pressure
to comment on every gifts? So we just spare people that, Yeah,
they don't even have to think about it. I'm kind
of into this whatever they do in Alabama.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Yeah, So what I was thinking about that what it
brought up for me was this idea that of course
we think everything we do is the right way, or
it's the preferred way that we grow up, it's our custom.
It feels weird when we go outside of that, just
because we're not used to it. It might be uncomfortable.
But if I grew up going to showers and nobody
ever opened the gifts, I would then think it was
(10:27):
weird that somebody was opening gifts in front of me, right,
I could think that was a little bit like self
absorbed even, you know, like, oh, you want everybody to
watch you do this. So depending on where you're growing
up and what you're used to, you're going to have
a different opinion of what something is, so you might
as well do what you want.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Yeah or yeah, but she doesn't feel like she had
control and the fact that, yeah, she's got this other
stuff going on, so her life is spiraling and this
is one thing where maybe she could have some input
on and then the friends are like, peace out, play
your own shower.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Yeah, So that's where I want to wonder if there
was more there, but maybe there's not, and that is
really really frustrating.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Well, she did ask about having a conversation with her
friend about it, though, So from your perspective as a therapist,
even though this isn't a replacement for therapy and we
don't have all of the info, so it's not like
this advice is exactly what someone should do. But if
someone needs to have a hard conversation, because maybe someone's
in a situation where they know they need to have
(11:29):
a talk with someone like they're not feeling her, they're
not feeling seen. Maybe it's not about a wedding shower,
be about something completely different. What's your advice?
Speaker 1 (11:49):
The first thing with any of that kind of stuff
is having expectations and knowing what you.
Speaker 4 (11:53):
Want that person to hear.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
So what I heard in this email was the more
she was being heard by other people was bringing up
feelings of being misunderstood by right.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Okay, so because her the new people involved in planning,
and she's feeling the love from them, like, oh, I'm
getting what I want you crazy, Then the anger and
frustration towards the other people magnified, intensify.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Almost as if like the easier it is for these
people to hear me, the more frustrated I am that
because it sounds like for a second she was like,
did I was I in the wrong?
Speaker 3 (12:30):
There?
Speaker 4 (12:30):
Should I not have asked for what I actually wanted?
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Absolutely, you were not in the wrong, And I feel
like you did it in a super cute way. You
send a meme of a little dog taking his treat
to the corner, and you're like trying to remind them
that you're.
Speaker 4 (12:44):
Trying to make this the easiest Yeah possible.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
You did laffy face emoji yeah, and it was met.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
With yeah, and she said, I think she used this
somewhere in there. She said she was frustrated that they
weren't more curious about what her needs were, and so
maybe she can take that stay curious.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
When you talk to her, be curious about.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
What the misunderstanding was, what her friend's perspective was, versus
coming in with a lot of judgment. And then you're
just asking somebody to be defensive because there could be
some stuff that we don't information that we don't know
about right now that could help her understand why her
friends were reacting that way. And if there's not, then
you kind of just have to accept that maybe this
(13:25):
is somewhere that we aren't going to see eye to
eye on and then you get to decide how to
move forward with that relationship. But from the information we have,
you weren't really asking for anything crazy.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah, what was the before we started recording? You have
like an acronym that people could use as a tool
like dear man.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Yes, so we have the intentional dialogue that we've talked about.
So the when blank happened, I feel this what it
brought up for me is this you're smiling at me.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Yeah, cause you're like script on my head. And what
I need is this.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
And that's very helpful. There's another acronym that is used.
It's from DBT, which we've talked about recently, a type
of distress tolerance therapy that is just a helpful little
it's not a script, it's just tips to help you
move through confrontation.
Speaker 4 (14:13):
Dear man.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
So every letter stands for something, So d D is
describe the current situation.
Speaker 4 (14:19):
And I would keep this simple, like.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
The less words the better, because the more you get
into the weeds of things, the more spacre is for
somebody to want stop listening or to get confused or
read into something. And then the E express your feelings,
So express so same kind of thing when this happened.
I felt this, And then assert yourself. So ask for
(14:44):
what you need or ask for, and that's where you
want to go in being really aware of what it
is I'm asking for. Am I asking to be heard?
Am I asking to understand this perspective? Like what are
you going and wanting? And then the R is reinforce,
So reinforce why what you're asking for would be beneficial
(15:06):
for both y'all's relationship.
Speaker 4 (15:08):
So that's dear. Then we have man, So be mindful.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Make sure that you're grounded and that you are maybe
making eye contact.
Speaker 4 (15:17):
Maybe you take some notes.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
So you can come back to things if you get
overwhelmed easily, which it sounds like maybe she does sometimes
in high pressure experiences. And then a peer confident, which
sometimes can be hard when you're in confrontation or any
kind of conflict. So that's why keeping it really simple
is helpful because the more we talk, the more we
(15:39):
start to ramble.
Speaker 4 (15:40):
So peer confident, and then negotiate.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
So this isn't like negotiate for money or anything creates
like that's negotiate. Just be mindful that I might not
get exactly what I want. So if she says, okay,
I can't do this, but I can do that, or
you don't get complete understanding but she gets a glimpse,
just be open to this idea that it might not
(16:04):
work out perfectly and be flexible.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
And then also like be cool with if you don't
get all of that in order, because I would be
stressing about deer man, I'd be like, okay, d describe Okay,
so then I would go and I very stressed that
I was doing all of that in order.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
But you do say intentional dialogue in order.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
True, that one's much short.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Well, a man is just tips like be mindful, a peer, confident,
and then be able to negotiate, be flexible. So those
are just like overarching tips. The deer is really the
like steps.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Okay, in my head, I've already sitting there the whole time.
Make contact, make a contact, a peer, confident, a pure confident.
Shoot where am I am? I described?
Speaker 4 (16:47):
But that's part of negotiating, like be flexible. You're not
going to do it perfectly.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah, bep Indie, stretchy breezy, that's you, that's me.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
And if you need notes, when sometimes when I even
at this point in my life, when I go into
certain conversations with people, I have to have notes, and
you can have them out of use paper, you can.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Have on your phone, I think that shows that it's
important too, even if they know you have notes, like
you can say I've written some things down just because
this matters to me and I care about you and
I want to make sure I'm thoughtful and how I'm
delivering this and I tend to get wordy, yeah, when
I'm nervous, and I don't want to waste our time,
like I want to really be concise about how I'm feeling,
(17:25):
and so then you can get out your notes.
Speaker 4 (17:28):
Okay and keep the n sure man, That's actually.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
One of my favorite skills tips that I've used for myself.
Dear man, No, what you just said is like naming
that I'm nervous, like naming what's really going on. So
the more I can just be like, you know, I'm
a little nervous, the less I have to like pretend
that I'm not, and then I just naturally am more
confident because I don't have to act like I have
(17:53):
it all together, you.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Know, Yeah, just throw it out there. I might have
to reference this, and then I know I'm nervous, but
I'm appeering confident.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
You can be confident and nervous at the same time.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
Though, I totally agree, and I think that the confidence
part helps because you're believing in yourself, like you can
have this conversation. You are capable, you can do this
difficult thing. Because some people just avoid any type of
confrontation altogether because they they just don't even want.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
To, it's still uncomfortable, and it's so unknown, and it's
so vulnerable. So I commend you for even wanting to
have this conversation with your friend anonymous, because a lot
of people would just brush under the rug and try
to keep going. But then you notice those feelings and
that resentment coming up even more.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Yeah, I'm sorry to hear all that you have going
on right now. Excited about your wedding, but juggling all
of that and still trying to plan a wedding at
the same time can be stressful enough. So send us
an update. You know, we like update. You know, we
got our Karen Bianca updates. Maybe now we'll get our
Anonymous update, and maybe she'd be like, you could totally
(19:06):
have said my name. You gave every other detail about
my life. She gave us the detail, which her email
was way longer than that. Yeah, all of those were
her words that we said, but we had to condense
it for the sake of time, which hope y'all understand.
That's why we do that, otherwise we'd be reading. But
we love everything that you send.
Speaker 4 (19:25):
We take it into consideration. We don't always share at.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
All, Yes, exactly, all right, Kat if people want to
email couch Talks.
Speaker 4 (19:32):
What do they do? They can email us at hey
there at Feeling Things podcast dot com.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
That's right, and you can hit us up on Instagram.
We're at Feeling Things podcast, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube all the things.
Speaker 4 (19:46):
And put couch talks in the subject. That's helpful.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Ooh, that is really helpful. Couch talks in the subject,
And then say for sure, for sure anonymous or not.
Speaker 4 (19:57):
Because if you don't, we're going to air on the
side of caution.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Unless it's something like sort of lighter. But this was
a more sensitive subject. But then I just laughed because
we gave like a cat and I were talking before.
I was like, should we maybe just switch it up
and say it's stage three and she's forty.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
And we said, and it's a baby shower instead of
a wedding, and they were like, eh, then we didn't. Okay,
so we got to legit. Thank you for the email.
Thank you everybody who emails or calls. You can even
call and leave us a voicemail as well. Eight seven
seven No, it's not is it? Eight seven seven two
seven seven two O seven eight.
Speaker 4 (20:34):
Seven You use two numbers nine.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
I remember eight seven seven seven seven.
Speaker 4 (20:41):
It's in the show notes.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Shoot, why can't I think of it right now? Well,
because I always have Bobby the Bobby bone. Try I
remember my head just eight seven seven seventy seven Bobby.
So that's why I just did that.
Speaker 4 (20:51):
I shouldn't make it.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Make it eight seven seven feelings feel oh feeling, it's
feeling seven letters.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Well I got the number before, gee eight seven seven
two O seven two O seven seven? Is that it?
Speaker 4 (21:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Eight seven seven to going to send voicemails to the
wrong number.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Okay, good luck, bye bye,
Good.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down.
Speaker 3 (00:05):
If you ever have feelings that you just fons Amy
and Kat gotcha Covin locking a brother, Ladies and folks,
do you just follow an the spirit where tell us
phone over real stuff to the chill stuff and the
m but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do
it just stop you feel things. This is Feeling Things
(00:28):
with Amy and Kat.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Happy Thursday. Welcome to Couch Talks the Q and a
episode to the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
And quick disclaimer before we get going and read today's emails.
Although we're answering your questions, this does not serve as
a replacement or substitute for actual therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Last week, our Couch Talks question was from a listener
named Karen who wanted to maybe change her name to
Bianca because she's over the whole Karen situation. And we
gave her some advice about radical acceptance. And we also
got a follow up email from Bianca slash Karen. So, Kat,
(01:06):
do you want to share that?
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Yeah? The subject actually said follow up from Bianca, so
maybe she's changed her name.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
She said, I appreciate your input and support.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
I will now try to go through the rest of
my day as a pure antlered ray of light.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Which that makes me laugh, like she's funny because during
the episode, Kat shared the meanings like various meanings like
in Hebrew and Karen means this. In German, Karen means this.
That's the one she left out because in German it's
hard worker. But antler was also a meaning, So that's
what she's saying, a pure antlered ray of light.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
And then she went on to say also a few things. One,
we used to have a hotel management company in town
named Isis Hospitality. I had just retired from the Air
Force and had gone back to school. And when I
saw the job fairfly that said we're hiring come work
for Isis, I laughed so hard. They changed their name
(02:05):
shortly thereafter. Oh yeah, you think as unfortunate. Number Two,
Carson Daly's Wife's name is Siri.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Who knew. I did not know that.
Speaker 4 (02:16):
I didn't even know if he was married.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I remember he was engaged to Tara Reid, Yes, when
he was on TIL I remember that anyway. And three,
the Central Park birdwatcher guy has a birding show Birding
or birdwatching.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Birding, so it's called birding.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
Didn't know that.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Okay, well, he has a birding show on National Geographic
TV now after the incident with she who will not
be named.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Which is Karen, which is what started the whole Karen thing.
But I love that we now have this update from
Bianca slash Karen because for the bird watcher, that was
such a horrible thing that happened to him, and he
gets to now look back and say, look what this
made possible.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
So he got something good out of it, and she.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Got something bad. The one point for seven million people
named Karen got something bad. So thank you for I
love that the follow up We love a good follow
up email, but also that shares some fun facts which
we can now move into our email for the actual
Couch Talks today, which is from a listener that we
(03:25):
decided to make it anonymous again. She signed her name.
She didn't say. We've asked y'all, like, hey, if you
wanted to be anonymous put that she didn't, But Kat
and I made an executive decision to make her anonymous,
although there are some details in here that would make
her very much not anonymous. So it is what it is.
So Hi, Amy and Kat, longtime listener, first time emailer,
(03:47):
I wanted to get your opinion on not opening gifts
at bridal showers, and when I first read that first sentence,
I thought, this is me talking now, not the email.
I thought, Okay, that's a simple thing, like do what
you want period in the story, but there's so much more.
I'm like, this is not about opening gifts. I'm getting
(04:08):
married in October and had two showers planned, one for
younger friends and one co ed for family and older guests.
I'm incredibly grateful for both. I get overwhelmed easily, and
splitting them up felt like a thoughtful solution. I shared
with them fun, low effort ideas for the showers, but
my sister and friends felt I was overstepping and told
me I should just show up and enjoy. I gently
(04:30):
reminded them that I have very little control over my
life right now, and I enjoy finding sprinkles on Pinterest, Instagram,
and TikTok. A little info on the lack of control
over my life right now. I was diagnosed with stage
four cancer at thirty years old, and I am currently
navigating chemo. But that's a story for another day. Recently,
I saw a meme that said, the uncomfortable feeling I
(04:54):
get when everyone watches me unwrapped gifts makes me totally
understand why the dog takes his treats into the the room.
It made me chuckle, and it also made me contemplate
having to open gifts at my bridle showers. Even if
I wasn't navigating cancer, chemo and symptoms, I would be
so stressed and feel awkward opening gifts in front of
(05:14):
that many people as I get over stimulated very easily.
I sent the meme to my two friends and sister
and said, hey, we're all aware, I don't open presents
in front of people, right with a laughing emoji. Their
response was harsh. That's the whole point. It's rude not
to Some people might be offended. You might take the
joy away from the people who got you these things.
(05:38):
Then I shared an article with alternatives and I was told,
you can find an article explaining any which way you want,
but you're gonna have to accept this. The host decided
then it was best for me to plan my own shower. Thankfully,
my mom, my mother in law, and I guess mother
in law to be and other friends have stepped in
to help, so My questions are, what's your take on
(06:00):
bride's not opening gifts at showers? Is it really that offensive?
Have you seen creative or graceful alternatives that keep the
spirit of the event intact while honoring the bride's comfort?
How do I gracefully talk to my friend about how
all this unfolded. The further along the new hosts get
and planning something that actually works for me, the more
upset I get with my other friend signed anonymous.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
So there's a lot in this, Yeah, there's a lot.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
We can't talk to the other friends. We're only getting
her side. But I am I'm frustrated with the friends
or wondering why there's not consideration, let alone. Let's say
she is cancer free. Okay, I don't think she is.
I know, let's say she was, Like, let's just say,
hypothetically remove the cancer from this. I still think I
(06:50):
would want the bride's input on what type of shower
she would like, because it is about her. Then you
throw in you've got stage four. Stage four means things
have spread to organs, difficult time. There's a lot to
process here. You know, I'm going to have hope, but
stage four is serious. So why are we not trying
(07:12):
to create the shower of this woman's dreams? Period? Who
cares if someone's going to get offended that their gift
wasn't opened in front of everybody.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Also, if you're offended that your gift was not open
in front of everybody, then we actually have bigger fish
to fry.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
There, much bigger. And then Kat was telling me before
we recorded, so she went to a shower in Alabama.
Like I'm sure state by state, country by country, culture
by culture it's very different. But in the state of Alabama, well,
I don't.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Know it's the.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Way.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
So I think what you said, yes, let's hold that
as we don't have anybody else's perspective, So we have
one perspective, and so we're going to go with the
information we have, knowing that there could be more, but
there's nothing we can do about that. But my first
thought when I was reading this, well, I had a
lot of the thoughts you were having, and then I
was reminded of the Alabama shower. We went to a
(08:07):
shower in Alabama, We brought the gifts in, the host
took the gifts, and then the host took them to
a back room unwrapped them and then displayed them on
a display table. And I was to one of my friends,
I said, oh, why.
Speaker 4 (08:24):
Did they do that?
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Because she didn't even get to see the rapping, which
I don't take pride in wrapping gifts, but a lot
of people do, I think, want to show off there
like bows and stuff.
Speaker 4 (08:34):
And she said, oh, that's just what they do here.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
The hosts will unwrap the gifts and then they'll display
them and everybody can see the gifts, but then the
majority of the shower is just spending time with the
bride or the guest of honor and mingling and talking.
And Okay, that was shocking to me because I had
never been to a shower like that, but it doesn't
mean it was wrong. I wasn't personally offended. And honestly,
(08:57):
there's plenty of people that I think that having to
watch people open presents for an hour.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
We yeah, there's people that woul dread opening them, and
then yes, people that dread the the watching and the
every gift.
Speaker 4 (09:08):
Oh yes. Second, I was.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
That a baby shower on Saturday and it was for
one of my friends, and then I had another friend
had multiple friends there.
Speaker 4 (09:19):
But as she was opening her gift show off. I
just knew multiple people there, but she was opening your gifts.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
You is that thing that you're like, oh, so cute,
so cute. And I think she opened like bottles or
like a bottle cleaner or something, and my friend just goes, oh,
that's so cute, and it's like she got up, she
walked to the back and she said, I have to
excuse myself. She was like, I'm just saying, oh, that's
(09:49):
so cute to everything, because I don't know what to
say when it's like, oh cool, you got bottles.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Yeah, so like yeah, and why do we feel pressure
to comment on every gifts? So we just spare people that, Yeah,
they don't even have to think about it. I'm kind
of into this whatever they do in Alabama.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Yeah, So what I was thinking about that what it
brought up for me was this idea that of course
we think everything we do is the right way, or
it's the preferred way that we grow up, it's our custom.
It feels weird when we go outside of that, just
because we're not used to it. It might be uncomfortable.
But if I grew up going to showers and nobody
ever opened the gifts, I would then think it was
(10:27):
weird that somebody was opening gifts in front of me, right,
I could think that was a little bit like self
absorbed even, you know, like, oh, you want everybody to
watch you do this. So depending on where you're growing
up and what you're used to, you're going to have
a different opinion of what something is, so you might
as well do what you want.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Yeah or yeah, but she doesn't feel like she had
control and the fact that, yeah, she's got this other
stuff going on, so her life is spiraling and this
is one thing where maybe she could have some input
on and then the friends are like, peace out, play
your own shower.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Yeah, So that's where I want to wonder if there
was more there, but maybe there's not, and that is
really really frustrating.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Well, she did ask about having a conversation with her
friend about it, though, So from your perspective as a therapist,
even though this isn't a replacement for therapy and we
don't have all of the info, so it's not like
this advice is exactly what someone should do. But if
someone needs to have a hard conversation, because maybe someone's
in a situation where they know they need to have
(11:29):
a talk with someone like they're not feeling her, they're
not feeling seen. Maybe it's not about a wedding shower,
be about something completely different. What's your advice?
Speaker 1 (11:49):
The first thing with any of that kind of stuff
is having expectations and knowing what you.
Speaker 4 (11:53):
Want that person to hear.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
So what I heard in this email was the more
she was being heard by other people was bringing up
feelings of being misunderstood by right.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Okay, so because her the new people involved in planning,
and she's feeling the love from them, like, oh, I'm
getting what I want you crazy, Then the anger and
frustration towards the other people magnified, intensify.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Almost as if like the easier it is for these
people to hear me, the more frustrated I am that
because it sounds like for a second she was like,
did I was I in the wrong?
Speaker 3 (12:30):
There?
Speaker 4 (12:30):
Should I not have asked for what I actually wanted?
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Absolutely, you were not in the wrong, And I feel
like you did it in a super cute way. You
send a meme of a little dog taking his treat
to the corner, and you're like trying to remind them
that you're.
Speaker 4 (12:44):
Trying to make this the easiest Yeah possible.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
You did laffy face emoji yeah, and it was met.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
With yeah, and she said, I think she used this
somewhere in there. She said she was frustrated that they
weren't more curious about what her needs were, and so
maybe she can take that stay curious.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
When you talk to her, be curious about.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
What the misunderstanding was, what her friend's perspective was, versus
coming in with a lot of judgment. And then you're
just asking somebody to be defensive because there could be
some stuff that we don't information that we don't know
about right now that could help her understand why her
friends were reacting that way. And if there's not, then
you kind of just have to accept that maybe this
(13:25):
is somewhere that we aren't going to see eye to
eye on and then you get to decide how to
move forward with that relationship. But from the information we have,
you weren't really asking for anything crazy.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah, what was the before we started recording? You have
like an acronym that people could use as a tool
like dear man.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Yes, so we have the intentional dialogue that we've talked about.
So the when blank happened, I feel this what it
brought up for me is this you're smiling at me.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Yeah, cause you're like script on my head. And what
I need is this.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
And that's very helpful. There's another acronym that is used.
It's from DBT, which we've talked about recently, a type
of distress tolerance therapy that is just a helpful little
it's not a script, it's just tips to help you
move through confrontation.
Speaker 4 (14:13):
Dear man.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
So every letter stands for something, So d D is
describe the current situation.
Speaker 4 (14:19):
And I would keep this simple, like.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
The less words the better, because the more you get
into the weeds of things, the more spacre is for
somebody to want stop listening or to get confused or
read into something. And then the E express your feelings,
So express so same kind of thing when this happened.
I felt this, And then assert yourself. So ask for
(14:44):
what you need or ask for, and that's where you
want to go in being really aware of what it
is I'm asking for. Am I asking to be heard?
Am I asking to understand this perspective? Like what are
you going and wanting? And then the R is reinforce,
So reinforce why what you're asking for would be beneficial
(15:06):
for both y'all's relationship.
Speaker 4 (15:08):
So that's dear. Then we have man, So be mindful.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Make sure that you're grounded and that you are maybe
making eye contact.
Speaker 4 (15:17):
Maybe you take some notes.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
So you can come back to things if you get
overwhelmed easily, which it sounds like maybe she does sometimes
in high pressure experiences. And then a peer confident, which
sometimes can be hard when you're in confrontation or any
kind of conflict. So that's why keeping it really simple
is helpful because the more we talk, the more we
(15:39):
start to ramble.
Speaker 4 (15:40):
So peer confident, and then negotiate.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
So this isn't like negotiate for money or anything creates
like that's negotiate. Just be mindful that I might not
get exactly what I want. So if she says, okay,
I can't do this, but I can do that, or
you don't get complete understanding but she gets a glimpse,
just be open to this idea that it might not
(16:04):
work out perfectly and be flexible.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
And then also like be cool with if you don't
get all of that in order, because I would be
stressing about deer man, I'd be like, okay, d describe Okay,
so then I would go and I very stressed that
I was doing all of that in order.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
But you do say intentional dialogue in order.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
True, that one's much short.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Well, a man is just tips like be mindful, a peer, confident,
and then be able to negotiate, be flexible. So those
are just like overarching tips. The deer is really the
like steps.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Okay, in my head, I've already sitting there the whole time.
Make contact, make a contact, a peer, confident, a pure confident.
Shoot where am I am? I described?
Speaker 4 (16:47):
But that's part of negotiating, like be flexible. You're not
going to do it perfectly.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah, bep Indie, stretchy breezy, that's you, that's me.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
And if you need notes, when sometimes when I even
at this point in my life, when I go into
certain conversations with people, I have to have notes, and
you can have them out of use paper, you can.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Have on your phone, I think that shows that it's
important too, even if they know you have notes, like
you can say I've written some things down just because
this matters to me and I care about you and
I want to make sure I'm thoughtful and how I'm
delivering this and I tend to get wordy, yeah, when
I'm nervous, and I don't want to waste our time,
like I want to really be concise about how I'm feeling,
(17:25):
and so then you can get out your notes.
Speaker 4 (17:28):
Okay and keep the n sure man, That's actually.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
One of my favorite skills tips that I've used for myself.
Dear man, No, what you just said is like naming
that I'm nervous, like naming what's really going on. So
the more I can just be like, you know, I'm
a little nervous, the less I have to like pretend
that I'm not, and then I just naturally am more
confident because I don't have to act like I have
(17:53):
it all together, you.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Know, Yeah, just throw it out there. I might have
to reference this, and then I know I'm nervous, but
I'm appeering confident.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
You can be confident and nervous at the same time.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
Though, I totally agree, and I think that the confidence
part helps because you're believing in yourself, like you can
have this conversation. You are capable, you can do this
difficult thing. Because some people just avoid any type of
confrontation altogether because they they just don't even want.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
To, it's still uncomfortable, and it's so unknown, and it's
so vulnerable. So I commend you for even wanting to
have this conversation with your friend anonymous, because a lot
of people would just brush under the rug and try
to keep going. But then you notice those feelings and
that resentment coming up even more.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Yeah, I'm sorry to hear all that you have going
on right now. Excited about your wedding, but juggling all
of that and still trying to plan a wedding at
the same time can be stressful enough. So send us
an update. You know, we like update. You know, we
got our Karen Bianca updates. Maybe now we'll get our
Anonymous update, and maybe she'd be like, you could totally
(19:06):
have said my name. You gave every other detail about
my life. She gave us the detail, which her email
was way longer than that. Yeah, all of those were
her words that we said, but we had to condense
it for the sake of time, which hope y'all understand.
That's why we do that, otherwise we'd be reading. But
we love everything that you send.
Speaker 4 (19:25):
We take it into consideration. We don't always share at.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
All, Yes, exactly, all right, Kat if people want to
email couch Talks.
Speaker 4 (19:32):
What do they do? They can email us at hey
there at Feeling Things podcast dot com.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
That's right, and you can hit us up on Instagram.
We're at Feeling Things podcast, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube all the things.
Speaker 4 (19:46):
And put couch talks in the subject. That's helpful.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Ooh, that is really helpful. Couch talks in the subject,
And then say for sure, for sure anonymous or not.
Speaker 4 (19:57):
Because if you don't, we're going to air on the
side of caution.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Unless it's something like sort of lighter. But this was
a more sensitive subject. But then I just laughed because
we gave like a cat and I were talking before.
I was like, should we maybe just switch it up
and say it's stage three and she's forty.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
And we said, and it's a baby shower instead of
a wedding, and they were like, eh, then we didn't. Okay,
so we got to legit. Thank you for the email.
Thank you everybody who emails or calls. You can even
call and leave us a voicemail as well. Eight seven
seven No, it's not is it? Eight seven seven two
seven seven two O seven eight.
Speaker 4 (20:34):
Seven You use two numbers nine.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
I remember eight seven seven seven seven.
Speaker 4 (20:41):
It's in the show notes.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Shoot, why can't I think of it right now? Well,
because I always have Bobby the Bobby bone. Try I
remember my head just eight seven seven seventy seven Bobby.
So that's why I just did that.
Speaker 4 (20:51):
I shouldn't make it.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Make it eight seven seven feelings feel oh feeling, it's
feeling seven letters.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Well I got the number before, gee eight seven seven
two O seven two O seven seven? Is that it?
Speaker 4 (21:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Eight seven seven to going to send voicemails to the
wrong number.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Okay, good luck, bye bye,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
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