Welcome to the '5th Thing' with Amy & Kat!! Today’s quote is from @YouNeedTherapyPodcast: "It's not hard to be who you are, what's hard is trying to stop being who you think others want you to be." Kat then shares her thoughts on “magical thinking” and how much energy we put into who we “really are as a person” when maybe we just need to strip it down to the facts of who we are. Email topics from Brian, Kent, and Mireya lead to chats about: doing something for yourself instead of others (which might include starting over in life if need be), learning new things, trying is cool, making tough decisions, thoughtful gift idea from a listener’s husband, Amy’s favorite high waisted jeans, the definition of fun, doing something outside of your lane/comfort zone, and more!
Thank you licensed therapist, Kat Defatta, for joining us with her wisdom. You can find her on Instagram: @Kat.Defatta + @YouNeedTherapyPodcast.
Best places to find more about Amy: RadioAmy.com + @RadioAmy
Tickets to Amy’s 4 Things LIVE Event In Wichita, Kansas:
https://selectaseat.com/amy
Send emails for the '5th Thing' to 4ThingsWithAmyBrown@gmail.com!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to the Fifth Thing. I'm Amy and
I'm Cat and our quote today comes from You Need
Therapy podcast Instagram. No way, it's from one of the
couch talks that you did. What I said, It's not
hard to be who you are. What's hard is trying
to stop being who you think others want you to be. Wow,
(00:26):
And that's the truth. I mean, I feel like as
though that is really hard to live out for me personally.
What advice do you have for me in your personal
life and your work life? Like, where do you feel
like that's the hardest. I guess it's not so much
what I think others want me to be, but it's
like what others think of me. So I make certain
(00:47):
decisions or I based the way I say certain things
off of like trying to control a narrative what they're thinking.
And I cannot do that. You can't do that, Yeah,
I know I can't. I've done the work I know
that I can't. But it's still that pathway is still
being rebuilt. And last week we talked about the looping
sometimes and I feel like that's what I get worried
(01:07):
about what someone else is thinking, and then I loop
blue blue, blue blup. Well, it's just not productive. I
get this too. We all can be in the spaces
where we get into this magical thinking where we have
this like idea that like maybe if we do X,
and we can't control why, when really we have little
to no control over how somebody else interprets anything and
how they take anything and how they receive something. Down
(01:28):
to like, we can do the best job ever confronting
somebody about something or saying something or trying to get
your point across, and they might also because of the
space there, and hear it the way that they're going
to hear it. And so all we can really do
is focus on if we are okay with how we
speak or how we show up or what we do
or what we say. But I think that and I
(01:49):
don't know what I wrote in the caption of that
you said. On couch Talks this week, we did a
little recap of some highlights from last week's Monday What
that means? You said, This is something that stood out
a lot to a lot of listeners and something we
need to remind ourselves that very often hashtag therapy, hashtag
mental health, authenticity. But I mean I just got even
(02:11):
just not even known the context in which you were
posting it, like it was good for me to see,
like I was scrolling through because you often post a
lot of really good quotes on your podcast page. But again,
it's not hard to be who you are. What's hard
is trying to stop being who you think others want
you to be. But I mean, I think we can be.
We can show up as different versions based on who
(02:34):
we think we need to be at work, and then
who we think we need to be to certain friend groups,
and who we think we need to be at home.
And but then it's like it's gets confusing. Who am
I really? I was about to the question. I think
I was about to say that, like that's a question
that comes up all the time of who am I?
And what's my identity and all this? And I think
we put so much thought and pressure into it when
(02:54):
like the answer really isn't that deep. Like the answer
can be like who am I? I'm human that lives
in Nashville, who's funny, who likes to hang out with
her friends, who enjoys puzzles, who like yourself? Yeah, like
it's like it's you're funny. I think just getting you.
I think I'm funny. I have this conversation when do
you have the best laugh? Thank you? Um, I have
(03:15):
the best laugh. But like, I just think that we
put so much much energy and like we have to
create this identity when like it's really not that this
is going to sound like counter intuitive, it's not that deep.
Like you wake up and you are who you are.
But then sometimes if you have like a big decision
to make and you feel like that's well, let's call it,
that's your truth and that's what you want to do
(03:36):
and this is this is the best thing for you,
But then you instantly start thinking of, oh, but what
is this person going to think? And what is that
person going to think? And then that's what what is
that going to do at my job? And how is
it going to be received here? And then you don't
end up maybe doing it because of the fear of
what others are going to think. But it is you,
it's part of you and who you want to be.
(03:58):
More exhausting well, and I think a question to ask
is is what is the bigger consequence for me to
show up in a way that other people are happy
with me to Is that worth a consequence that I
don't get to actually live and be and see and
experience the things I want to see, Like you have
to weigh your options or am I would I rather
(04:18):
sit with the fact that other people are maybe not
happy with something, but I get to actually live out
and I think there's a right or wrong answer. You
get to decide. But I know, but when you talk
about living knowing that someone's unhappy with you or something
or that's it's really hard. But also nobody can get
around it unless we are living for other people our
whole entire life. And you're still going to disappoint somebody. Yeah,
(04:38):
like you're that's still going to happen. It's still going
to happen. That's the truth. I've got an email from
a guy who Brian. He's emailed before. He's one of
our loyal male listeners, but he emailed about the gin
hat Maker episode that went up. Well, I guess since
this is a Tuesday at this point, like almost two
(04:59):
weeks ago, so it's a Thursday four Things episode that
I did with her, and we talked about starting over
and doing things outside of your comfort zone and empty
nesting and four things gratitude and I loved her recommendations.
But those are the four things that we talked about.
But then I loved that Brian was moved to send
an email after he listened to it. He said, hey, me,
(05:19):
I really enjoyed the podcast today. I started over in
two thousand and fourteen with a relationship ending. We didn't
get divorced until two thousand and sixteen, so by that
time I was already starting over and finding myself again.
It was a rough time and I felt like I
was battling it alone, but I really wasn't. I don't
like looking at pictures of myself from that time either.
It's a stark contrast to what I look like now,
(05:40):
a happier, more confident person. What I'm trying to say
is that was the best thing to have happened to me,
and I definitely needed to get away from the toxicity.
Thank you for all the topics that you talk about
your friend Brian, which I thought this email goes well
with that quote too, because probably ending that relationship was
really hard for him. And even in the gin hat
Maker conversation, doing something outside of her comfort zone like
(06:03):
writing a cookbook, even though she's an author, was her
just going for it, regardless of what anybody else is
going to think or whether or not she belonged in
this space. And there's just something she knew she wanted
to do, but she did it in the midst of
her her entire life starting over after a twenty seven
year marriage came to a halt like that and basically ended.
(06:24):
And you know, she went to bed one night thinking,
I are you married to this person the rest of
my life and kind of you know, woke up the
next day, I am not going to be married anymore.
So that's how quickly her life altered and she had
to start the healing process. And then once she was,
you know, through that, she was starting over and building
this life that she was in charge of, nobody else
(06:48):
to answer to except for herself. And I thought, I
bet there was a lot of expectations around her just
being somewhat of a public figure. Yes there was, because
she was a family and marriage her center of her
her work as a Christian author and speaker and running
a church and all the things was centered around family
(07:08):
and marriage. So I think that's a perfect example of
like choosing to live my life in a way that
also pleases me and not just in a way that
pleases the people that have expectations from how I've lived
my life in the past and what it's looked like
on the outside that might not even actually know me
that well. And it might not be a divorce that
(07:28):
you're contemplating. It could be that you need to leave
a job and you need to make that switch, and
it can be really daunting and scary, but you know,
and you're worried about hurting this person or what is
this person going to think? Or I don't want to
leave these people hanging. But then ultimately you have to
decide what's going to be best for you. And you know,
(07:52):
there's a lot of things in life that you may
have to start over on and you're not maybe used
to starting over, so maybe you don't get it right
the first time or second time or how many times.
You may have to have conversations like that or make
decisions like that, or make those moves for yourself. But
I think it's important that you at least try because
trying school, duh, trying school. So I think that don't
(08:18):
have fear because you've never done something before, started over before,
tried something new before. That might take you a different
direction or trying something outside of your comfort zone. Don't
let that stop you. And then because I've done certain
things where I'm like, shoot, I did not do that right,
I did not handle that well. I could have done
that better. I was doing the best that I could
(08:39):
with what I had in that time. Yeah, I think
also that speaks to something that we've both heard from
another author, Sean and Niquis, who said, I guess I
haven't learned that yet, like that was her the title
of her book. And you saying like I messed up. Okay,
well you messed up, but how did you know that
it was gonna go You didn't know it was going
to go that way. You were doing the best you could.
And so now you learned something. And so the next
time you're going to I again, but you're going to
(09:01):
try again differently because you have more information. So I
think that's something to keep in mind. Like when I'm
messing up or things are a little shaky, or it
feels like I'm not uh succeeding in the way I
want to, or I'm letting people down, it's like, Okay, well,
each time you tried to do that again, you get
to try it in a way that's different and can
be better. And I gets to be a good thing.
I love that it does. It gets to be a
(09:21):
good thing. And don't beat yourself up over it. Don't
let it loop in your head. How oh, you could
have done it better? Just like, that's what I have
to do. I have to put my big girl pants
on sometimes and be like, you know what, at least
to try it. At least I did it. There's been
several things in my life that I've had to make
that call or that decision, and yeah, I learned from it,
(09:44):
and I hopefully grow from it. And then next time
I try to do better. I have another email from
other guys. Stop it. He's actually emailing for his wife.
(10:04):
But I don't want her to hear this. Shoot, I
didn't really think this through. What do you mean, Houston
bleep out his name? Because what if his wife listens?
Because it's a nice email. Okay, I'm wondering. It's a
nice email, but you don't want her to hear it.
I'm very interested heard it. Then she'll know the surprise.
Oh there's a surprise, because I don't know what you're
about to say. Okay, Well, so Houston bleeped out the name,
so I'll say. He said, do you have dates picked
(10:27):
out our locations for a live show next year? My
wife loves you and really wants to come to one.
I would like to get her this as a Christmas present,
thank you. And I just thought that was so sweet
that a husband took the time to figure out my
email because he probably don't listen to the podcast, but
he listened to his wife and knew that this is
(10:48):
something she would enjoy to go to. And I guess
she can't come to which at all. So he's trying
to figure out a way to get her tickets to
a show next year. Which listener, husband, Well, you're not
a so I don't know if you're a listener. But
Mr husband, since I'm not saying your name, we don't
have anything, or at least I haven't sat down and
done anything for next year. And what cities. We have
(11:12):
had loose conversations of where we might go. My girl,
Elizabeth Fazzio shout out at my heart. We've tossed some
different things around, So we'll see and I will keep
you posted. I'll keep your email and maybe I can
reply to you, but I don't know that I'll know
anything in time for Christmas, so I would just go
ahead and get your wife something else for Christmas, like
I don't know, maybe a customizer or four Things Don't
(11:37):
or Things dot Com or something like that, and then
know that you'll maybe have a four Things Live podcast
taping event in the future and you can get it
for her next year for something else. I have another
email from Myra, which I love. That name said, Hey, Amy,
I love the high waisted jeans that you always wear.
Where do you get them? And I gotta say my
(11:59):
favorite highway wasted jeans. There's three different brands that I love.
Abercrombie high Waisted nineties. Yeah, they're great, So check out Abercrombie,
and I feel like they're reasonably priced and sometimes you
can find them on sale. A Goldie. That's what I
have on right now, is a Goldie, and I think
it's also like a high pinch wasted. The thing is,
(12:20):
there's a lot of different ones, but what I like
to do, especially from ordering online, is I maybe order
multiple different ones and then I do a try on
session and then I return the ones that I don't want.
I feel like most companies have made it really easy
to return, or if you want to actually go to
the store, then just suck it up and take a
bunch to the dressing room and then figure it out.
(12:41):
But because I know it's a it's hard to take
a bunch of stuff to the dressing room because it
can be overwhelming. But maybe ask whoever is working at
the store, Hey, I'm looking specifically for high waisted denim
so and then maybe they can help pull some for you.
But a goldie is what I'm wearing now. But another
brand that I love is Pistole Up, which I first
(13:04):
heard of that brand at the boutique that I don't
go to anymore, which is a bummer because they didn't
They didn't give me a refund on something. They gave
me store credit. Only you have to use the store
credit that you have. I have the store credit, but
I don't want to go back. You can order something online.
Did did they sell things online? They do? Oh? Okay, wait,
I think which is really based on principle. If you
(13:26):
don't know the story, the cliffs Notes version is I
found a dress for a wedding that I was going
to that weekend. I mean I had only a couple
of days to figure this out and I was ready
to check out, but then in the corner of my
eye when I'm handing my credit card, I see a
different dress and I think, oh, well that one could work,
but I don't even want to go try it on.
But then they're like, oh, yeah, this is gorgeous. Basically
(13:46):
you should try it on, so I go and I do,
and they're like, yes, that's it. So then I go
to check out and she rings it up like I'm
going to get both dresses, but she obviously doesn't know
she doesn't know my situation, and I said, oh, I'm
specifically shopping for a wedding. I here for one dress,
so I'm just going to get this one. So just
I figured she would just swap it out, but there
was a price differense like difference. This story feels different
(14:11):
than the even more cliffs notes that I got before
from you. Okay, well, this is exactly the story. So
then she asked for my phone number, which I figured
that's for my account and I've shopped there before, so
no problem. I rattle off my number and what I
what I did know is she was getting my numbers
so she could text me my gift card, my eighty
five dollar gift card that I was going to get
(14:32):
because of the price difference, because the dress end up
getting was cheaper than they we'll call it the blue one,
no longer getting the blue one. So then I figured
she swapped it out and just put the money back
on my card because I never left the store. I
was paying for the blue dress when I decided to
try on the other dress. You would think she would
just not run your card or something. Well maybe she'd
(14:53):
already ran it, but you would think at that point,
when I'm standing in front of her and I've never
even touched the bag or left the store, that she
just swap it out and give put the money back
on my card. I'm assuming, honestly, that's what she did.
But she didn't. And I learned that because when I
walked out of the store, I get a text message
and I'm like, oh, I wonder who's texting me, And
(15:13):
it's the store and it's saying that my gift card
is available, and I thought, oh, that's weird. I don't
want a gift card because then now I'm going to
come back and spend more more money, and I would
just rather have the money back on my card. So
I go back in, thinking this is a mistake. So
I kindly walked back in and say, oh, I just
got a gift card. I thought I would get just
(15:35):
the money back on my card, and she said, oh,
for returns, we only do exchanges or store credit. And
I said a return. I never left the store. And
then another person that was there looked at me and
sort of backed her up and just smiled. I mean
she was kind, but she just straight up looked at
(15:55):
me and she goes, yeah, store credit only, and I
just my face was so perplexed, and all I could
get out were the words okay, like okay. That is
clearly also saying this is the weirdest customer service experience,
because you would think, just based on principle and trying
to have good customer service, you would wave the whole
(16:18):
store credit only if if a customer never even left
the store. I understand if I had left and gone
home and even come back an hour later, Okay, store credit.
I left. You have no idea what I did with
the dress. But I never even touched the bag. It
wasn't even wrapped up in tissue. Well, the fact that
while you're paying, they're like, oh, you have to try
that on, and well, I said, I saw it and
(16:40):
I wanted to. But they're like, oh yeah, it's so pretty. Yeah,
but it just as it's unique, it's unique. All that
to say is that Pistol a jeans. I learned about
them from that boutique and they are very cute and
I but you will be purchasing them from there anymore. Yeah,
but Pistola dot com what, it's a whole diom line.
Other Nordstrom has it. I don't know what other places
(17:02):
have it. I know I've just seen it, but you
could just google and see you. I think like shop
bop dot com or even Revolve or those are some
of the clothing stores online shops that I like. Our
Shop Bop and Revolve. I probably use them the most.
And they make returns so easy that, yeah, you can
(17:22):
order a bunch of different things, which Abercambie speaking of.
I ordered a super cute dress from there that I
thought might work for the wedding. Didn't work, so I
ended up returning it. But they straight up shipped me
something and it set it delivered to my house and
it never did. But a plus customer service there because
they're like, oh wow, that's crazy. We'll mail you out
a new one tomorrow. I'm like, okay, cool, thanks nice
(17:42):
for that. Yeah, yeah, thank you. So people can be kind,
people can be kind. I don't know, it just is weird.
I don't even want to keep harping on it. But
it's like, okay, now, I guess I'm just bitter, probably
because I would like to go pop back into that boutique.
And I don't feel like also too, because I talked
about on the Bobby Bones Show and now I've talked
about it he year, and so I'm just embarrassed. And
I posted a story on Instagram because honestly, the dress
(18:05):
was so cute. I got so many d ms that
dress for the wedding and people wanted a link, and
I said, okay, I'm going to link the dress because
I found it online. It's we wore. What is the brand?
And I said, but I want you all to know
I'm not this is not a link to the store
because I don't want to put the boutique on Front Street.
I haven't said their name. I'm not going to say
their name. People have asked me who it is. Some
(18:25):
friends have guessed it and they have guessed correctly, but
I just wanted to make sure they knew when I
was linking it. I wasn't linking the store. I'm not
trying to like shame in any store, so I don't
want to remind people of good customer service. I want
to know how long it's going to be until you
end up going back into that store because you just
can't help yourself. I know, because it's so convenient, and
(18:49):
you know they tend to have cute things. I don't know.
We can start tracking. I'll let you know, and I
finally cave, but I don't know. I've thought about gifting
the eighty five dollar gift card to someone else Happy birthday.
That's it. Well, somebody that doesn't know the story. Yeah, well,
or you you want it your birthdays in December. No,
I can't go in there either. Why are your boy gutting? Yeah,
(19:11):
wouldn't do anything for you. You can show your face.
I'm not saying I want to. Well, okay, based on principle,
I don't want to go back in. But also I'm
a little embarrassed because I've told the story and what
if it has gotten back to them and I don't
want them to think that I keep talking about them,
but I'm like, well, you shouldn't have store credited only me.
You know, if it did get back to them, I
would hope that they would reach out to and apologize. Yeah,
or at least be like, you know what, come back
(19:32):
in and we'll put that on your credit card. Thank you.
Let's make it right, okay, store credit only. Well, I
gotta say before we wrap, we are super pumped to
see y'all in which it all this weekend? It is
going to be so fun. Which you know what? I
looked at the definition of fun. Have you ever done that?
(19:53):
Why did you look that up? As you're curious to say,
this is from Oxford English Dictionary, the true meaning of
on lighthearted pleasure. We're going to have some of that
this weekend. Enjoyment or amusement. Yep, check check, We'll have that.
Boisterous Joe Valdi Joe reality is that how you say
it jovial? And I feel like your laugh is boisterous.
(20:20):
That sounds a good negative word. It's like boisterous. It's
like it I feel like that's a that's a good thing,
a hearty laugh. I might have to look at the
definition that quite honestly, marymaking fun. Yeah, we'll be marrymaking
this weekend, and entertainment. That's that's going down this weekend.
I have no idea at what point if you're listening
(20:41):
to this, if you're gonna want to come last minute,
so hey, you can check out select to see dot
com slash amy and see if you want to join
the last minute. But I am so excited, and I'm
proud of myself for doing something outside of my comfort
zone because I've done events before and I host things obviously,
you know, Mary and I even did in a squat
(21:02):
event in Nashville, but those events, they were workouts. Aaron
Opriya was there. I feel like she was kind of
the star and like leading us through something. And then
there was always a brunch or breakfast, like there was
other moving parts. This is a live podcast taping and
it's my podcast, and it's an evening that I'm in
charge of curating, making sure that people have amaryl making time,
(21:23):
merry making time, they have lighthearted pleasure, enjoyment or amusement,
and they have fun, right, And so I have had
some self doubt creep up into my head and thinking
of is this really I should let other people that
do these live podcasts, that's they're really killing it. They're
the ones that know what they're doing. But I'm sure
they didn't know what they were doing the first time
they did one and built one. But I feel though
(21:46):
as though a lot of work has gone into it
and I'm very proud of it, and I'm proud of
myself for trying. Yeah, And that's just like the whole
everything we've been talking about is first of all, you
get to like do what you want to do, and
this is like something that you've created. I mean, you've
had help, but like it really comes down to like
your creation, which shout out Ali Fallon for helping me
get it from my brain to paper to curating the
(22:07):
whole thing. She's awesome. She's been a tremendous help. And
then Fousio, Yes, I feel like I appreciate what you're
going to say, and I have another thought because you're
going to this count of compliment maybe, But the other
part is like this is also a learning experiences of
your doing this. You're going to keep the stuff that
worked really well and you're gonna be able to actually
sit with that and be proud of that. And if
(22:28):
something didn't go exactly as planned, it's okay. I learned that,
now what can we do right and how can we
fine tune it and make it better and grow from it?
And you know, I had some anxiety around you know,
how it was going to all unfold and putting myself
out there like that and tickets and just believing. And
so I am saying this as encouragement that you know,
(22:49):
even back to the gin hat Maker episode of doing
something outside of your comfort zone. And then I know
when we when it's Saturday night and it's rapping, I'm
going to be over the moon and so excited did
and giddy and so glad that I went for it
because it will be a good evening. I just know it.
I know that people are going to walk away and
it be special. And some people may not. Some people
(23:11):
may not have merrymaking time. They may not they be
like that was not merrymaking for me, noo. But I
have a special night with the community that that is
this podcast and something that I mean, I've been doing
this podcast for over four years and you know, we've
(23:33):
built a group and this is my lane, but it's
also outside of my lane. Taking an event live is
still some people might be like, how is this outside
of your comfort zone? This is what you do, You've
been on the radio, but each different part, there's a
lot of different moving parts that go into it in
different like tributaries. Is that what it like? There's a
river and then there's like or in the ocean. What
are you talking about? I don't know why I wear
(23:53):
geography on us real quick, But isn't that the little
streams that go off that shoot off of a tribute
to Arry? I've never heard of that word probably is
not the right think of a tribute. No, okay, it's
it's probably not the right word. So I'm gonna be
very embarrassed that I use this analogy because clearly it
is not working. But what I mean, it's like there's
(24:13):
little offshoots like I can have my lane, like radio
is my lane, and that's my career for the last
sixteen and a half years. And yes, I do feel
comfortable with a microphone. But doing a lot of podcast
taping I've never done before. So all that to say,
I'm excited about it, and I'm proud of myself and
I went for it. I'm gonna do it and I
(24:34):
think it's it's good for my career path that I'm on.
We have to continue trying to grow and stretch ourselves,
and I know my heart is pumped that we're making
it happen and we're doing it and it's cool. So
let me look up the definition of cool now. I
want to look up like cats say something, so I
can look up the distribution of tribute, tribute ary, and
(24:55):
cool is what we need. Okay, tribute terry, all right,
a river stream flowing into a larger river or lake.
There you go, you're really smart. How did you know
that you know third grade geography or something. I'm not sure,
but to me, I just saw it in my mind,
like I saw radio being the big river or body
(25:17):
of water. And then some of these other things that
I'm starting to really work on and it's not even starting,
like I've been doing the podcast forever, but I have Outweighs,
another podcast I host Women of iHeart Country. Like there's
other things that I'm hosting. They're my tributaries were learning. Okay,
everybody's goal is to use the word tributary today. I
(25:39):
don't want people to like look at them like that's
not a good use of that so well, you read
the definition, we know how to use it. You feel
you feel like it works. Does it really work for sure? Okay?
All right, Well, have the day you need to have,
use the words you need to use, and we will
see y'all this weekend. If you're coming, I'm so pumped.
And then if not, I'll have an episode going up
(26:01):
on Thursday, four Things, and then Cat and I will
see you next Tuesday for the fifth thing again. All right,
bye bye,
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to the Fifth Thing. I'm Amy and
I'm Cat and our quote today comes from You Need
Therapy podcast Instagram. No way, it's from one of the
couch talks that you did. What I said, It's not
hard to be who you are. What's hard is trying
to stop being who you think others want you to be. Wow,
(00:26):
And that's the truth. I mean, I feel like as
though that is really hard to live out for me personally.
What advice do you have for me in your personal
life and your work life? Like, where do you feel
like that's the hardest. I guess it's not so much
what I think others want me to be, but it's
like what others think of me. So I make certain
(00:47):
decisions or I based the way I say certain things
off of like trying to control a narrative what they're thinking.
And I cannot do that. You can't do that, Yeah,
I know I can't. I've done the work I know
that I can't. But it's still that pathway is still
being rebuilt. And last week we talked about the looping
sometimes and I feel like that's what I get worried
(01:07):
about what someone else is thinking, and then I loop
blue blue, blue blup. Well, it's just not productive. I
get this too. We all can be in the spaces
where we get into this magical thinking where we have
this like idea that like maybe if we do X,
and we can't control why, when really we have little
to no control over how somebody else interprets anything and
how they take anything and how they receive something. Down
(01:28):
to like, we can do the best job ever confronting
somebody about something or saying something or trying to get
your point across, and they might also because of the
space there, and hear it the way that they're going
to hear it. And so all we can really do
is focus on if we are okay with how we
speak or how we show up or what we do
or what we say. But I think that and I
(01:49):
don't know what I wrote in the caption of that
you said. On couch Talks this week, we did a
little recap of some highlights from last week's Monday What
that means? You said, This is something that stood out
a lot to a lot of listeners and something we
need to remind ourselves that very often hashtag therapy, hashtag
mental health, authenticity. But I mean I just got even
(02:11):
just not even known the context in which you were
posting it, like it was good for me to see,
like I was scrolling through because you often post a
lot of really good quotes on your podcast page. But again,
it's not hard to be who you are. What's hard
is trying to stop being who you think others want
you to be. But I mean, I think we can be.
We can show up as different versions based on who
(02:34):
we think we need to be at work, and then
who we think we need to be to certain friend groups,
and who we think we need to be at home.
And but then it's like it's gets confusing. Who am
I really? I was about to the question. I think
I was about to say that, like that's a question
that comes up all the time of who am I?
And what's my identity and all this? And I think
we put so much thought and pressure into it when
(02:54):
like the answer really isn't that deep. Like the answer
can be like who am I? I'm human that lives
in Nashville, who's funny, who likes to hang out with
her friends, who enjoys puzzles, who like yourself? Yeah, like
it's like it's you're funny. I think just getting you.
I think I'm funny. I have this conversation when do
you have the best laugh? Thank you? Um, I have
(03:15):
the best laugh. But like, I just think that we
put so much much energy and like we have to
create this identity when like it's really not that this
is going to sound like counter intuitive, it's not that deep.
Like you wake up and you are who you are.
But then sometimes if you have like a big decision
to make and you feel like that's well, let's call it,
that's your truth and that's what you want to do
(03:36):
and this is this is the best thing for you,
But then you instantly start thinking of, oh, but what
is this person going to think? And what is that
person going to think? And then that's what what is
that going to do at my job? And how is
it going to be received here? And then you don't
end up maybe doing it because of the fear of
what others are going to think. But it is you,
it's part of you and who you want to be.
(03:58):
More exhausting well, and I think a question to ask
is is what is the bigger consequence for me to
show up in a way that other people are happy
with me to Is that worth a consequence that I
don't get to actually live and be and see and
experience the things I want to see, Like you have
to weigh your options or am I would I rather
(04:18):
sit with the fact that other people are maybe not
happy with something, but I get to actually live out
and I think there's a right or wrong answer. You
get to decide. But I know, but when you talk
about living knowing that someone's unhappy with you or something
or that's it's really hard. But also nobody can get
around it unless we are living for other people our
whole entire life. And you're still going to disappoint somebody. Yeah,
(04:38):
like you're that's still going to happen. It's still going
to happen. That's the truth. I've got an email from
a guy who Brian. He's emailed before. He's one of
our loyal male listeners, but he emailed about the gin
hat Maker episode that went up. Well, I guess since
this is a Tuesday at this point, like almost two
(04:59):
weeks ago, so it's a Thursday four Things episode that
I did with her, and we talked about starting over
and doing things outside of your comfort zone and empty
nesting and four things gratitude and I loved her recommendations.
But those are the four things that we talked about.
But then I loved that Brian was moved to send
an email after he listened to it. He said, hey, me,
(05:19):
I really enjoyed the podcast today. I started over in
two thousand and fourteen with a relationship ending. We didn't
get divorced until two thousand and sixteen, so by that
time I was already starting over and finding myself again.
It was a rough time and I felt like I
was battling it alone, but I really wasn't. I don't
like looking at pictures of myself from that time either.
It's a stark contrast to what I look like now,
(05:40):
a happier, more confident person. What I'm trying to say
is that was the best thing to have happened to me,
and I definitely needed to get away from the toxicity.
Thank you for all the topics that you talk about
your friend Brian, which I thought this email goes well
with that quote too, because probably ending that relationship was
really hard for him. And even in the gin hat
Maker conversation, doing something outside of her comfort zone like
(06:03):
writing a cookbook, even though she's an author, was her
just going for it, regardless of what anybody else is
going to think or whether or not she belonged in
this space. And there's just something she knew she wanted
to do, but she did it in the midst of
her her entire life starting over after a twenty seven
year marriage came to a halt like that and basically ended.
(06:24):
And you know, she went to bed one night thinking,
I are you married to this person the rest of
my life and kind of you know, woke up the
next day, I am not going to be married anymore.
So that's how quickly her life altered and she had
to start the healing process. And then once she was,
you know, through that, she was starting over and building
this life that she was in charge of, nobody else
(06:48):
to answer to except for herself. And I thought, I
bet there was a lot of expectations around her just
being somewhat of a public figure. Yes there was, because
she was a family and marriage her center of her
her work as a Christian author and speaker and running
a church and all the things was centered around family
(07:08):
and marriage. So I think that's a perfect example of
like choosing to live my life in a way that
also pleases me and not just in a way that
pleases the people that have expectations from how I've lived
my life in the past and what it's looked like
on the outside that might not even actually know me
that well. And it might not be a divorce that
(07:28):
you're contemplating. It could be that you need to leave
a job and you need to make that switch, and
it can be really daunting and scary, but you know,
and you're worried about hurting this person or what is
this person going to think? Or I don't want to
leave these people hanging. But then ultimately you have to
decide what's going to be best for you. And you know,
(07:52):
there's a lot of things in life that you may
have to start over on and you're not maybe used
to starting over, so maybe you don't get it right
the first time or second time or how many times.
You may have to have conversations like that or make
decisions like that, or make those moves for yourself. But
I think it's important that you at least try because
trying school, duh, trying school. So I think that don't
(08:18):
have fear because you've never done something before, started over before,
tried something new before. That might take you a different
direction or trying something outside of your comfort zone. Don't
let that stop you. And then because I've done certain
things where I'm like, shoot, I did not do that right,
I did not handle that well. I could have done
that better. I was doing the best that I could
(08:39):
with what I had in that time. Yeah, I think
also that speaks to something that we've both heard from
another author, Sean and Niquis, who said, I guess I
haven't learned that yet, like that was her the title
of her book. And you saying like I messed up. Okay,
well you messed up, but how did you know that
it was gonna go You didn't know it was going
to go that way. You were doing the best you could.
And so now you learned something. And so the next
time you're going to I again, but you're going to
(09:01):
try again differently because you have more information. So I
think that's something to keep in mind. Like when I'm
messing up or things are a little shaky, or it
feels like I'm not uh succeeding in the way I
want to, or I'm letting people down, it's like, Okay, well,
each time you tried to do that again, you get
to try it in a way that's different and can
be better. And I gets to be a good thing.
I love that it does. It gets to be a
(09:21):
good thing. And don't beat yourself up over it. Don't
let it loop in your head. How oh, you could
have done it better? Just like, that's what I have
to do. I have to put my big girl pants
on sometimes and be like, you know what, at least
to try it. At least I did it. There's been
several things in my life that I've had to make
that call or that decision, and yeah, I learned from it,
(09:44):
and I hopefully grow from it. And then next time
I try to do better. I have another email from
other guys. Stop it. He's actually emailing for his wife.
(10:04):
But I don't want her to hear this. Shoot, I
didn't really think this through. What do you mean, Houston
bleep out his name? Because what if his wife listens?
Because it's a nice email. Okay, I'm wondering. It's a
nice email, but you don't want her to hear it.
I'm very interested heard it. Then she'll know the surprise.
Oh there's a surprise, because I don't know what you're
about to say. Okay, Well, so Houston bleeped out the name,
so I'll say. He said, do you have dates picked
(10:27):
out our locations for a live show next year? My
wife loves you and really wants to come to one.
I would like to get her this as a Christmas present,
thank you. And I just thought that was so sweet
that a husband took the time to figure out my
email because he probably don't listen to the podcast, but
he listened to his wife and knew that this is
(10:48):
something she would enjoy to go to. And I guess
she can't come to which at all. So he's trying
to figure out a way to get her tickets to
a show next year. Which listener, husband, Well, you're not
a so I don't know if you're a listener. But
Mr husband, since I'm not saying your name, we don't
have anything, or at least I haven't sat down and
done anything for next year. And what cities. We have
(11:12):
had loose conversations of where we might go. My girl,
Elizabeth Fazzio shout out at my heart. We've tossed some
different things around, So we'll see and I will keep
you posted. I'll keep your email and maybe I can
reply to you, but I don't know that I'll know
anything in time for Christmas, so I would just go
ahead and get your wife something else for Christmas, like
I don't know, maybe a customizer or four Things Don't
(11:37):
or Things dot Com or something like that, and then
know that you'll maybe have a four Things Live podcast
taping event in the future and you can get it
for her next year for something else. I have another
email from Myra, which I love. That name said, Hey, Amy,
I love the high waisted jeans that you always wear.
Where do you get them? And I gotta say my
(11:59):
favorite highway wasted jeans. There's three different brands that I love.
Abercrombie high Waisted nineties. Yeah, they're great, So check out Abercrombie,
and I feel like they're reasonably priced and sometimes you
can find them on sale. A Goldie. That's what I
have on right now, is a Goldie, and I think
it's also like a high pinch wasted. The thing is,
(12:20):
there's a lot of different ones, but what I like
to do, especially from ordering online, is I maybe order
multiple different ones and then I do a try on
session and then I return the ones that I don't want.
I feel like most companies have made it really easy
to return, or if you want to actually go to
the store, then just suck it up and take a
bunch to the dressing room and then figure it out.
(12:41):
But because I know it's a it's hard to take
a bunch of stuff to the dressing room because it
can be overwhelming. But maybe ask whoever is working at
the store, Hey, I'm looking specifically for high waisted denim
so and then maybe they can help pull some for you.
But a goldie is what I'm wearing now. But another
brand that I love is Pistole Up, which I first
(13:04):
heard of that brand at the boutique that I don't
go to anymore, which is a bummer because they didn't
They didn't give me a refund on something. They gave
me store credit. Only you have to use the store
credit that you have. I have the store credit, but
I don't want to go back. You can order something online.
Did did they sell things online? They do? Oh? Okay, wait,
I think which is really based on principle. If you
(13:26):
don't know the story, the cliffs Notes version is I
found a dress for a wedding that I was going
to that weekend. I mean I had only a couple
of days to figure this out and I was ready
to check out, but then in the corner of my
eye when I'm handing my credit card, I see a
different dress and I think, oh, well that one could work,
but I don't even want to go try it on.
But then they're like, oh, yeah, this is gorgeous. Basically
(13:46):
you should try it on, so I go and I do,
and they're like, yes, that's it. So then I go
to check out and she rings it up like I'm
going to get both dresses, but she obviously doesn't know
she doesn't know my situation, and I said, oh, I'm
specifically shopping for a wedding. I here for one dress,
so I'm just going to get this one. So just
I figured she would just swap it out, but there
was a price differense like difference. This story feels different
(14:11):
than the even more cliffs notes that I got before
from you. Okay, well, this is exactly the story. So
then she asked for my phone number, which I figured
that's for my account and I've shopped there before, so
no problem. I rattle off my number and what I
what I did know is she was getting my numbers
so she could text me my gift card, my eighty
five dollar gift card that I was going to get
(14:32):
because of the price difference, because the dress end up
getting was cheaper than they we'll call it the blue one,
no longer getting the blue one. So then I figured
she swapped it out and just put the money back
on my card because I never left the store. I
was paying for the blue dress when I decided to
try on the other dress. You would think she would
just not run your card or something. Well maybe she'd
(14:53):
already ran it, but you would think at that point,
when I'm standing in front of her and I've never
even touched the bag or left the store, that she
just swap it out and give put the money back
on my card. I'm assuming, honestly, that's what she did.
But she didn't. And I learned that because when I
walked out of the store, I get a text message
and I'm like, oh, I wonder who's texting me, And
(15:13):
it's the store and it's saying that my gift card
is available, and I thought, oh, that's weird. I don't
want a gift card because then now I'm going to
come back and spend more more money, and I would
just rather have the money back on my card. So
I go back in, thinking this is a mistake. So
I kindly walked back in and say, oh, I just
got a gift card. I thought I would get just
(15:35):
the money back on my card, and she said, oh,
for returns, we only do exchanges or store credit. And
I said a return. I never left the store. And
then another person that was there looked at me and
sort of backed her up and just smiled. I mean
she was kind, but she just straight up looked at
(15:55):
me and she goes, yeah, store credit only, and I
just my face was so perplexed, and all I could
get out were the words okay, like okay. That is
clearly also saying this is the weirdest customer service experience,
because you would think, just based on principle and trying
to have good customer service, you would wave the whole
(16:18):
store credit only if if a customer never even left
the store. I understand if I had left and gone
home and even come back an hour later, Okay, store credit.
I left. You have no idea what I did with
the dress. But I never even touched the bag. It
wasn't even wrapped up in tissue. Well, the fact that
while you're paying, they're like, oh, you have to try
that on, and well, I said, I saw it and
(16:40):
I wanted to. But they're like, oh yeah, it's so pretty. Yeah,
but it just as it's unique, it's unique. All that
to say is that Pistol a jeans. I learned about
them from that boutique and they are very cute and
I but you will be purchasing them from there anymore. Yeah,
but Pistola dot com what, it's a whole diom line.
Other Nordstrom has it. I don't know what other places
(17:02):
have it. I know I've just seen it, but you
could just google and see you. I think like shop
bop dot com or even Revolve or those are some
of the clothing stores online shops that I like. Our
Shop Bop and Revolve. I probably use them the most.
And they make returns so easy that, yeah, you can
(17:22):
order a bunch of different things, which Abercambie speaking of.
I ordered a super cute dress from there that I
thought might work for the wedding. Didn't work, so I
ended up returning it. But they straight up shipped me
something and it set it delivered to my house and
it never did. But a plus customer service there because
they're like, oh wow, that's crazy. We'll mail you out
a new one tomorrow. I'm like, okay, cool, thanks nice
(17:42):
for that. Yeah, yeah, thank you. So people can be kind,
people can be kind. I don't know, it just is weird.
I don't even want to keep harping on it. But
it's like, okay, now, I guess I'm just bitter, probably
because I would like to go pop back into that boutique.
And I don't feel like also too, because I talked
about on the Bobby Bones Show and now I've talked
about it he year, and so I'm just embarrassed. And
I posted a story on Instagram because honestly, the dress
(18:05):
was so cute. I got so many d ms that
dress for the wedding and people wanted a link, and
I said, okay, I'm going to link the dress because
I found it online. It's we wore. What is the brand?
And I said, but I want you all to know
I'm not this is not a link to the store
because I don't want to put the boutique on Front Street.
I haven't said their name. I'm not going to say
their name. People have asked me who it is. Some
(18:25):
friends have guessed it and they have guessed correctly, but
I just wanted to make sure they knew when I
was linking it. I wasn't linking the store. I'm not
trying to like shame in any store, so I don't
want to remind people of good customer service. I want
to know how long it's going to be until you
end up going back into that store because you just
can't help yourself. I know, because it's so convenient, and
(18:49):
you know they tend to have cute things. I don't know.
We can start tracking. I'll let you know, and I
finally cave, but I don't know. I've thought about gifting
the eighty five dollar gift card to someone else Happy birthday.
That's it. Well, somebody that doesn't know the story. Yeah, well,
or you you want it your birthdays in December. No,
I can't go in there either. Why are your boy gutting? Yeah,
(19:11):
wouldn't do anything for you. You can show your face.
I'm not saying I want to. Well, okay, based on principle,
I don't want to go back in. But also I'm
a little embarrassed because I've told the story and what
if it has gotten back to them and I don't
want them to think that I keep talking about them,
but I'm like, well, you shouldn't have store credited only me.
You know, if it did get back to them, I
would hope that they would reach out to and apologize. Yeah,
or at least be like, you know what, come back
(19:32):
in and we'll put that on your credit card. Thank you.
Let's make it right, okay, store credit only. Well, I
gotta say before we wrap, we are super pumped to
see y'all in which it all this weekend? It is
going to be so fun. Which you know what? I
looked at the definition of fun. Have you ever done that?
(19:53):
Why did you look that up? As you're curious to say,
this is from Oxford English Dictionary, the true meaning of
on lighthearted pleasure. We're going to have some of that
this weekend. Enjoyment or amusement. Yep, check check, We'll have that.
Boisterous Joe Valdi Joe reality is that how you say
it jovial? And I feel like your laugh is boisterous.
(20:20):
That sounds a good negative word. It's like boisterous. It's
like it I feel like that's a that's a good thing,
a hearty laugh. I might have to look at the
definition that quite honestly, marymaking fun. Yeah, we'll be marrymaking
this weekend, and entertainment. That's that's going down this weekend.
I have no idea at what point if you're listening
(20:41):
to this, if you're gonna want to come last minute,
so hey, you can check out select to see dot
com slash amy and see if you want to join
the last minute. But I am so excited, and I'm
proud of myself for doing something outside of my comfort
zone because I've done events before and I host things obviously,
you know, Mary and I even did in a squat
(21:02):
event in Nashville, but those events, they were workouts. Aaron
Opriya was there. I feel like she was kind of
the star and like leading us through something. And then
there was always a brunch or breakfast, like there was
other moving parts. This is a live podcast taping and
it's my podcast, and it's an evening that I'm in
charge of curating, making sure that people have amaryl making time,
(21:23):
merry making time, they have lighthearted pleasure, enjoyment or amusement,
and they have fun, right, And so I have had
some self doubt creep up into my head and thinking
of is this really I should let other people that
do these live podcasts, that's they're really killing it. They're
the ones that know what they're doing. But I'm sure
they didn't know what they were doing the first time
they did one and built one. But I feel though
(21:46):
as though a lot of work has gone into it
and I'm very proud of it, and I'm proud of
myself for trying. Yeah, And that's just like the whole
everything we've been talking about is first of all, you
get to like do what you want to do, and
this is like something that you've created. I mean, you've
had help, but like it really comes down to like
your creation, which shout out Ali Fallon for helping me
get it from my brain to paper to curating the
(22:07):
whole thing. She's awesome. She's been a tremendous help. And
then Fousio, Yes, I feel like I appreciate what you're
going to say, and I have another thought because you're
going to this count of compliment maybe, But the other
part is like this is also a learning experiences of
your doing this. You're going to keep the stuff that
worked really well and you're gonna be able to actually
sit with that and be proud of that. And if
(22:28):
something didn't go exactly as planned, it's okay. I learned that,
now what can we do right and how can we
fine tune it and make it better and grow from it?
And you know, I had some anxiety around you know,
how it was going to all unfold and putting myself
out there like that and tickets and just believing. And
so I am saying this as encouragement that you know,
(22:49):
even back to the gin hat Maker episode of doing
something outside of your comfort zone. And then I know
when we when it's Saturday night and it's rapping, I'm
going to be over the moon and so excited did
and giddy and so glad that I went for it
because it will be a good evening. I just know it.
I know that people are going to walk away and
it be special. And some people may not. Some people
(23:11):
may not have merrymaking time. They may not they be
like that was not merrymaking for me, noo. But I
have a special night with the community that that is
this podcast and something that I mean, I've been doing
this podcast for over four years and you know, we've
(23:33):
built a group and this is my lane, but it's
also outside of my lane. Taking an event live is
still some people might be like, how is this outside
of your comfort zone? This is what you do, You've
been on the radio, but each different part, there's a
lot of different moving parts that go into it in
different like tributaries. Is that what it like? There's a
river and then there's like or in the ocean. What
are you talking about? I don't know why I wear
(23:53):
geography on us real quick, But isn't that the little
streams that go off that shoot off of a tribute
to Arry? I've never heard of that word probably is
not the right think of a tribute. No, okay, it's
it's probably not the right word. So I'm gonna be
very embarrassed that I use this analogy because clearly it
is not working. But what I mean, it's like there's
(24:13):
little offshoots like I can have my lane, like radio
is my lane, and that's my career for the last
sixteen and a half years. And yes, I do feel
comfortable with a microphone. But doing a lot of podcast
taping I've never done before. So all that to say,
I'm excited about it, and I'm proud of myself and
I went for it. I'm gonna do it and I
(24:34):
think it's it's good for my career path that I'm on.
We have to continue trying to grow and stretch ourselves,
and I know my heart is pumped that we're making
it happen and we're doing it and it's cool. So
let me look up the definition of cool now. I
want to look up like cats say something, so I
can look up the distribution of tribute, tribute ary, and
(24:55):
cool is what we need. Okay, tribute terry, all right,
a river stream flowing into a larger river or lake.
There you go, you're really smart. How did you know
that you know third grade geography or something. I'm not sure,
but to me, I just saw it in my mind,
like I saw radio being the big river or body
(25:17):
of water. And then some of these other things that
I'm starting to really work on and it's not even starting,
like I've been doing the podcast forever, but I have Outweighs,
another podcast I host Women of iHeart Country. Like there's
other things that I'm hosting. They're my tributaries were learning. Okay,
everybody's goal is to use the word tributary today. I
(25:39):
don't want people to like look at them like that's
not a good use of that so well, you read
the definition, we know how to use it. You feel
you feel like it works. Does it really work for sure? Okay?
All right, Well, have the day you need to have,
use the words you need to use, and we will
see y'all this weekend. If you're coming, I'm so pumped.
And then if not, I'll have an episode going up
(26:01):
on Thursday, four Things, and then Cat and I will
see you next Tuesday for the fifth thing again. All right,
bye bye,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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