October 30, 2021 • 18 mins
Sharing some personal ED stories from people that are now in recovery...so that you know that you’re not alone and that there is HOPE. We invite you at this point to email us at hello@outweighpodcast.com if you have a personal story that you would like to read in an upcoming episode. Hearing from others, knowing what they have been through, and what it looks like on the other side can be very encouraging for you. In this episode you’ll hear from Andrea, Laura Lea, and Rachel.
Follow the hosts on instagram!
SUBSCRIBE and follow so you never miss an episode and SHARE with your friends & family.
Questions? Guest Submissions? Email us: hello@outweighpodcast.com
This podcast was edited by Houston Tilley
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I won't let my body out be outwell everything that
I'm made do, won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me.
It's beautiful and then will always out way if you
(00:24):
feel it with yours and there she'll love to the boot. There,
let's say good day and did you and die out?
Happy Saturday. Outweigh fam Amy here and what you're gonna
hear in today's episode is some personal eating disorder stories
simply so that you know that you are not alone. Now,
(00:46):
we're throwing it back to some stories that were shared
with us a long time ago from Andrea Lurley and Rachel.
But what we want to do by sharing these stories
and bringing them back to the surface for y'all to
hear again and so that well, first of all, you
don't feel alone and that you know that there's hope
because these women are in recovery. But we want to
invite you at this point to email us Hello Outweigh
(01:10):
podcast dot com if you have a personal story that
you would like to read in an upcoming episode. We've
realized that simply hearing from others and knowing what they've
been through and what it looks like on the other
side can be very encouraging for you guys. So again,
in this episode, you're gonna be hearing first from Andrea,
and then you'll hear from Laura Lee and then from Rachel.
(01:31):
But I want you to take in their stories see
if anything resonates with you, and again, just know that
you're not alone. And if you feel lad, then send
us an email and share your story with us and
we'll get back to you and who knows, maybe you'll
be on an upcoming episode. Again, the email is hello
at Outweigh podcast dot com And now we'll get into
(01:52):
the personal stories. Here you go. Hi, my name is
Andrea and I am so honored that Amy has asked
me to be a part of this and I hope
that my story will help you guys. My story starts
when I was around seven. That's when I started to
hate my body. Seven years old. No one, but especially
as seven year old, should focus on their body size.
(02:13):
I grew up hearing adults tell me how much bigger
I was than my mom, how I must be shaped
like my dad, and to me, at seven, my dad
looked huge. I didn't really want to be compared to
this giant man with a mustache. I wanted to be
compared to my little, pretty tiny mom, and I started
to feel embarrassed about my size. From then on, I
(02:35):
had anxiety over my size. I would hear comments about
how much I was eating. I was embarrassed to wear
middrift bearing dance recital costumes. I remember on multiple occasions
just crying and crying over how I looked. I would
cry looking at myself in the mirror wearing these dance costumes.
Every year. I would hate putting on my recital costumes.
(02:58):
I hate the way I looked in them. I didn't
want to be in front of people in this costume.
I didn't want people to see me in it, and
I definitely didn't want to stand next to the other girls.
I felt like I looked horrible and I just was
so uncomfortable with who I was. This went on until
around fifteen. That's when I turned not only just hating
(03:18):
my body, but I also turned it into depriving myself
of food. I would compare myself to models, actresses, girls
that took dance class. With any girl that crossed my path,
I would compare myself to them, and I always felt
that I fell very short to every single girl dealing
with other normal teenage drama. I took control by starving myself.
(03:39):
I noticed I actually got attention. The skinnier I got,
I became addicted to that attention. I noticed the thinner
I got, the more attention I got, and that truly
breaks my heart now thinking about it. I would deprive myself,
weigh myself obsessively, and body checked myself every single time
I passed the certain mirror and my bathroom. I missed
(04:01):
out on fun, carefree teenage years that even flew into college.
Times that I should be having just fun with my
friends and just enjoying being young and stress free. They
were taken away because I was too consumed with outward appearances.
Times when your child, or a teenager, or even in college,
(04:25):
you shouldn't be focused on outward appearances or getting approval
from other people. You shouldn't be stressed or worried or
feeling less than You should really never feel like that anyways,
at any age, but especially as a child. And I
feel like that eating disorder took a lot of really
(04:46):
fun care for years away from me. It really shouldn't
be a thought in any person's mind, but especially as
a child and a teenager. I missed out and enjoying
my youth because I was too focused on unimportant things
and I missed out on so many opportunities. And I
didn't focus on my dreams or my passions because I
was too focused on outward appearances. The sad truth is
(05:09):
it was never enough. I was chasing something that I
would never achieve. It's a really dark and lonely feeling,
and it's exhausting never giving yourself a break or feeding
yourself positive words. It's a vicious cycle of never being enough.
I focused on the wrong things for so long, and
it took me a really long time to get out
of my own head. Many years. Actually, I still feel
(05:32):
like I'm recovering and giving myself permission to give myself
compliments and take credit for things that I deserve. It
took a long long time, but I realized I am
absolutely different from every other person out there, and that's
what makes me beautiful. You being your truest, most authentic
self makes you most beautiful. When you find and follow
(05:52):
your dreams and put yourself out there, that's what makes
you feel beautiful when you empower yourself and others. When
you put that time and effort into what a nights
your fire, you don't have time to pick yourself apart
and focus on the outward appearances. It shuts off the
noise inside your head because you're too focused on bigger,
more important things. You have to empower yourself to find
(06:14):
something bigger than that noise and to silence that noise
is so rewarding. Once you realize you can live without
that constant badger inside your head of never being good enough,
or being so mad at yourself for eating, or never
look going to look a certain way, you will never
want that noise to take up any more of your time.
(06:37):
You want to help others and never let them waste
another second of being unhappy with themselves. You'll start to
notice that when you encourage and inspire others, and when
you share your true gifts, that's what's really going to
make you feel beautiful and feel good and actually feel important.
Sharing your light will light up others, and that's what's
(06:58):
more important than any implement or approval from anybody else.
The key to get approval is get approval from yourself
and that's where you can truly move forward. Except yourself
for everything that you are, and own it and love it.
Here's the letter to myself. Dear sixteen year old Andrea,
I'm sorry for taking away your youth. I'm sorry for
(07:19):
never stopping and realizing what an amazing person you were.
Not only were you kind, thoughtful, and sweet, but you
were beautiful. Everything you wanted to be you were, and
you never gave yourself credit for that. If I could
change one thing, I wouldn't remind myself that it's not
all about looks. It's about how you make people feel,
and that's what really counts. But giving yourself kind words
(07:42):
is never a bad thing. I can see clearly now
that you just needed a reminder that there is not
one standard of beauty. Being yourself and being confident in
who you are and your unique qualities is what's going
to get you far in life. Own them, be proud
and happy of yourself, and find and follow your passions.
(08:02):
That's where you'll find your purpose. My younger self would
be proud that my goal and passion in life is
to help women see how beautiful and amazing they really are.
I get to empower women and encourage them to love
themselves daily. That's my job, and I'm so excited that
I get to do that. I was strong and creageous
(08:23):
enough to follow my dreams, speak my truth, and hopefully
help others. My life trajectory up to the summer of
two thousand and eight was centered around becoming a lawyer.
That had always been my plan. I dutifully follow the
English major program at the University of Virginia, and then
I got a job as a paralegal in New York
City after graduation. Three weeks in, I knew I would
(08:46):
never be a lawyer. Whether it was that specific firm
or the context of the financial atmosphere in two thousand
and eight, I'll never know, But I know that I
experienced a quarter life crisis of epic proportions before and
I had a healthy relationship with food. I listened to
my hunger cues eight till I was satisfied, mostly when
(09:07):
I indulged. I didn't give the experience a second thought.
I was present, enjoyed every bite, moved on. Here's the thing.
I had also felt on top of the world my
whole life. I was an a student president of thus
and such and spoiled by a happy family that provided
anything I could want. I felt completely in control of
my life, sure that I could map out and accomplish
(09:28):
whatever I chose. Yet standing on a street corner that
first post college summer, tears streaming down my face, I
felt zero control. So I found a way to get
that feeling back. For me, disordered eating was never about looks.
I was okay with my body, had never really fluctuated
in my weight or given shape much thought. When I
began to restrict food and work out excessively. My way
(09:50):
low school wasn't physical. It was mental. I needed to
accomplish something to see it checked off the list. I
needed there to be something I could always manipulate. I
created food rules, a self constructed guideline for right and
wrong when it came to what I ate, how much,
and when if I ordered to wrap, I tore off
any piece that wasn't actually touching the filling. When I
(10:12):
ate almond butter with my breakfast, I couldn't have it
later in the day, but I could have peanut butter.
Not one or three, but only two. Scrambled eggs were acceptable,
And there were many others that I could no longer recall. Thankfully,
none of it made sense, none of it was healthy.
But following this imaginary protocol was calming and predictable. And
when I didn't or couldn't follow it, after a few
(10:35):
glasses of wine or out to dinner with a menu
I couldn't modify, I felt anxious, guilty, mentally and physically heavy.
The next day, I'd make sure to add a few
extra minutes or bump up the speed on my treadmill.
I'd leave a few more bites uneaten. Compensation was the
quickest and most satisfying way to get back to status quo.
(10:55):
The trickiest parts of my disordered eating were twofold. Firstly,
I was eating. I wasn't skipping meals or even eating
tiny portions all the time. I just wasn't eating enough.
Friends didn't pick up on any problem, so it's easy
for me to convince myself that all was well. Plus,
I'd created a comfortable distance between me and the people
who knew me best. Not only could I better filter
(11:17):
my behavior that way, I didn't have to put myself
in food compromising positions. As much as possible, I turned
down invites to the movies, to ice cream, drinks after
work or birthday dinners. Secondly, my world was a societal
environment of validation. Living in Supermodel City, I received constant
praise from my lean frame on a regular basis. The
(11:38):
gratification I felt wasn't because they approved of my looks.
It was because they were acknowledging the quote fruits of
my labor. The fragile world I'd constructed could only last
for so long. However, my best friend Francis invited me
to her mountain house for a long weekend. I knew
Francis was concerned, had picked up all my pain more
than anyone else. Our second night, we grabbed ice cream
(12:00):
in the local town and I said I was full,
with one scoop remaining. Francis gently asked if I was okay,
and I broke down. I called my parents and told
them I needed help. I started to see a therapist
who specialized in disordered eating, but it was cooking that
truly healed me. I began to spend my free time
(12:20):
selecting vibrant, fresh food from the Union Square farmers market,
taking it home to play with in the kitchen. Quickly,
my desire to control through restriction dissipated, as I found
a way to serve myself and others from the inside out.
By the time I graduated culinary school in two thousand
and third, team I had developed a sustainable and respectful
relationship with food. My world went from one centered around
(12:42):
fear to one centered around hope. I rarely have moments
where my old food rules worm their way into my
current life, but when they arise, I don't let them
guide my decisions, and this takes away their power. I
eat the second helping grab Chick fil A or chocolate croissant,
go of you days without veggies or slather on the butter,
on everything in sight. I just do it anyway, and
(13:06):
I see that the world doesn't implode. Life goes on,
but not as usual. It's better. Dear Lorly, how I
wish I could sit myself next to you twelve years ago,
where you stared at a city landscape. It looked as
bleak as your heart and your mind felt. If I could,
I'd rub your twenty two year old back while telling
(13:26):
you that you are powerful beyond measure, that you can
exhale and let go, that there is no such thing
as a finish line or having it all checked off
the list that everything is beautifully an evolution and an
ongoing journey. I'd remind you of what you've accomplished and
share a glimpse of accomplishments to come, which have nothing
(13:48):
to do with what you ate or didn't eat on
any given morning. I would lean in, hold your face
with my today hands and convince you that you don't
have to accomplish to be perfect and to be that
the feeling you're desperately seeking comes from simply resting and
your enoughness. I'd offer this as I offer it to myself. Now,
(14:10):
you are a beloved, divine miracle by virtue of just
being you, and there's nothing you have to do to
deserve it. Hey, I'm Rachel, and this is my story.
My eating disorder slash disordered eating started in eleventh grade,
right around the time I began taking Adderall, which was
prescribed for my a d h D. For those who know,
this kind of medication is known to suppress your appetite,
(14:32):
and since I was barely eating, I was also quickly
losing weight. Little did I know that this one thing
was going to trigger something way bigger. Within a few months,
I became completely obsessed with the way that I looked
and what I was, or more like, wasn't putting into
my body. I began completely restricting food. It started with
the typically unhealthier bad ones, and then it began to
spiral into a general fear of most foods. I was
(14:55):
body checking, constantly grabbing the parts of my body I
believe to be fat, staring in the mirror, repeating horrible
things to myself, over exercising my body's limits, obsessively weighing
myself sometimes up to five or six times a day,
and constantly, I mean constantly thinking and obsessing over food
and the way my body looked. Surprisingly, I actually never
(15:16):
felt pressure from society, and a majority of these issues
came from the pressure that I put on myself, as
I'm an overachiever and perfectionist. On the days that I
struggled so every day, I would feel physically, emotionally and
mentally exhausted. I was irritable, weak, and always extremely frustrated.
This deeply affected my relationships with my family, as I
was always acting out with virtually no reason in their minds.
(15:39):
I had so much trouble opening up and can barely
speak about my emotions. Also, I think it's important to
recognize that it wasn't even about the food at this point.
It was just about control and the ability to control
every situation in my life. I was so rigid and
stuck in my ways that I could barely even go away,
as a day off from the gym or out of
my routine was absolutely not allowed in my mind. Ultimately,
(16:02):
I knew I had to make a change when every
day was just more miserable than the next, I hit
a point so low that I basically isolated myself from
everyone and was finding it really hard to find the
joint things. I don't remember an exact moment that led
me to seek help, but there was an overall desire
to stop feeling so bad about myself. Once I began
therapy and really started to talk about my issues, I
(16:24):
noticed a huge shift in the way that I felt. Obviously,
it takes work, and I'm still nowhere near one, but
I do know that I'm feeling better each day. On
the days that old thoughts and patterns do arise, I
try to remind myself how miserable I felt then and
how fulfilled I feel now. I try to vocalize the thoughts,
as keeping them inside makes it worse for me. I
also really focus on not shifting or changing anything about
(16:46):
my current life, as I do not want to give
into my old patterns or behaviors. Doing these things definitely
help to alleviate the pressure, but it does not make
them go away. Honestly, I would say that every day
I choose to move forward through the pain and place
one foot in front of the other. By leaving that
life behind me, I've gained a newfound appreciation for food
and my relationships. Like I said before, I'm nowhere near one,
(17:10):
nor do I think i'll ever be, but I've gained
a new perspective on things. I'm actually able to go
out to eat with friends or family and really enjoy myself.
I also have so much more energy and time to
invest in things that really make me happy. Life now
is fun and interesting, and I'm so excited to continue
to grow. Dear younger Rachel, I am so sorry for
all of the pain and suffering that I put you through.
(17:32):
I'm sorry that I didn't recognize how deeply you were
suffering and how desperately you just needed to talk about
how you felt. I'm sorry for robbing you of the
joint excitement from so many situations and for making you
feel uncomfortable in your own skin. Honestly, though, I wouldn't
change anything that you went through, because you're suffering has
only made you a stronger person. I want you to
remember how badly you felt then and how happy and
(17:54):
free you feel now, and overall, I'm really proud of
who you become.
I won't let my body out be outwell everything that
I'm made do, won't spend my life trying to change.
I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,
I feel free, I know who every part of me.
It's beautiful and then will always out way if you
(00:24):
feel it with yours and there she'll love to the boot. There,
let's say good day and did you and die out?
Happy Saturday. Outweigh fam Amy here and what you're gonna
hear in today's episode is some personal eating disorder stories
simply so that you know that you are not alone. Now,
(00:46):
we're throwing it back to some stories that were shared
with us a long time ago from Andrea Lurley and Rachel.
But what we want to do by sharing these stories
and bringing them back to the surface for y'all to
hear again and so that well, first of all, you
don't feel alone and that you know that there's hope
because these women are in recovery. But we want to
invite you at this point to email us Hello Outweigh
(01:10):
podcast dot com if you have a personal story that
you would like to read in an upcoming episode. We've
realized that simply hearing from others and knowing what they've
been through and what it looks like on the other
side can be very encouraging for you guys. So again,
in this episode, you're gonna be hearing first from Andrea,
and then you'll hear from Laura Lee and then from Rachel.
(01:31):
But I want you to take in their stories see
if anything resonates with you, and again, just know that
you're not alone. And if you feel lad, then send
us an email and share your story with us and
we'll get back to you and who knows, maybe you'll
be on an upcoming episode. Again, the email is hello
at Outweigh podcast dot com And now we'll get into
(01:52):
the personal stories. Here you go. Hi, my name is
Andrea and I am so honored that Amy has asked
me to be a part of this and I hope
that my story will help you guys. My story starts
when I was around seven. That's when I started to
hate my body. Seven years old. No one, but especially
as seven year old, should focus on their body size.
(02:13):
I grew up hearing adults tell me how much bigger
I was than my mom, how I must be shaped
like my dad, and to me, at seven, my dad
looked huge. I didn't really want to be compared to
this giant man with a mustache. I wanted to be
compared to my little, pretty tiny mom, and I started
to feel embarrassed about my size. From then on, I
(02:35):
had anxiety over my size. I would hear comments about
how much I was eating. I was embarrassed to wear
middrift bearing dance recital costumes. I remember on multiple occasions
just crying and crying over how I looked. I would
cry looking at myself in the mirror wearing these dance costumes.
Every year. I would hate putting on my recital costumes.
(02:58):
I hate the way I looked in them. I didn't
want to be in front of people in this costume.
I didn't want people to see me in it, and
I definitely didn't want to stand next to the other girls.
I felt like I looked horrible and I just was
so uncomfortable with who I was. This went on until
around fifteen. That's when I turned not only just hating
(03:18):
my body, but I also turned it into depriving myself
of food. I would compare myself to models, actresses, girls
that took dance class. With any girl that crossed my path,
I would compare myself to them, and I always felt
that I fell very short to every single girl dealing
with other normal teenage drama. I took control by starving myself.
(03:39):
I noticed I actually got attention. The skinnier I got,
I became addicted to that attention. I noticed the thinner
I got, the more attention I got, and that truly
breaks my heart now thinking about it. I would deprive myself,
weigh myself obsessively, and body checked myself every single time
I passed the certain mirror and my bathroom. I missed
(04:01):
out on fun, carefree teenage years that even flew into college.
Times that I should be having just fun with my
friends and just enjoying being young and stress free. They
were taken away because I was too consumed with outward appearances.
Times when your child, or a teenager, or even in college,
(04:25):
you shouldn't be focused on outward appearances or getting approval
from other people. You shouldn't be stressed or worried or
feeling less than You should really never feel like that anyways,
at any age, but especially as a child. And I
feel like that eating disorder took a lot of really
(04:46):
fun care for years away from me. It really shouldn't
be a thought in any person's mind, but especially as
a child and a teenager. I missed out and enjoying
my youth because I was too focused on unimportant things
and I missed out on so many opportunities. And I
didn't focus on my dreams or my passions because I
was too focused on outward appearances. The sad truth is
(05:09):
it was never enough. I was chasing something that I
would never achieve. It's a really dark and lonely feeling,
and it's exhausting never giving yourself a break or feeding
yourself positive words. It's a vicious cycle of never being enough.
I focused on the wrong things for so long, and
it took me a really long time to get out
of my own head. Many years. Actually, I still feel
(05:32):
like I'm recovering and giving myself permission to give myself
compliments and take credit for things that I deserve. It
took a long long time, but I realized I am
absolutely different from every other person out there, and that's
what makes me beautiful. You being your truest, most authentic
self makes you most beautiful. When you find and follow
(05:52):
your dreams and put yourself out there, that's what makes
you feel beautiful when you empower yourself and others. When
you put that time and effort into what a nights
your fire, you don't have time to pick yourself apart
and focus on the outward appearances. It shuts off the
noise inside your head because you're too focused on bigger,
more important things. You have to empower yourself to find
(06:14):
something bigger than that noise and to silence that noise
is so rewarding. Once you realize you can live without
that constant badger inside your head of never being good enough,
or being so mad at yourself for eating, or never
look going to look a certain way, you will never
want that noise to take up any more of your time.
(06:37):
You want to help others and never let them waste
another second of being unhappy with themselves. You'll start to
notice that when you encourage and inspire others, and when
you share your true gifts, that's what's really going to
make you feel beautiful and feel good and actually feel important.
Sharing your light will light up others, and that's what's
(06:58):
more important than any implement or approval from anybody else.
The key to get approval is get approval from yourself
and that's where you can truly move forward. Except yourself
for everything that you are, and own it and love it.
Here's the letter to myself. Dear sixteen year old Andrea,
I'm sorry for taking away your youth. I'm sorry for
(07:19):
never stopping and realizing what an amazing person you were.
Not only were you kind, thoughtful, and sweet, but you
were beautiful. Everything you wanted to be you were, and
you never gave yourself credit for that. If I could
change one thing, I wouldn't remind myself that it's not
all about looks. It's about how you make people feel,
and that's what really counts. But giving yourself kind words
(07:42):
is never a bad thing. I can see clearly now
that you just needed a reminder that there is not
one standard of beauty. Being yourself and being confident in
who you are and your unique qualities is what's going
to get you far in life. Own them, be proud
and happy of yourself, and find and follow your passions.
(08:02):
That's where you'll find your purpose. My younger self would
be proud that my goal and passion in life is
to help women see how beautiful and amazing they really are.
I get to empower women and encourage them to love
themselves daily. That's my job, and I'm so excited that
I get to do that. I was strong and creageous
(08:23):
enough to follow my dreams, speak my truth, and hopefully
help others. My life trajectory up to the summer of
two thousand and eight was centered around becoming a lawyer.
That had always been my plan. I dutifully follow the
English major program at the University of Virginia, and then
I got a job as a paralegal in New York
City after graduation. Three weeks in, I knew I would
(08:46):
never be a lawyer. Whether it was that specific firm
or the context of the financial atmosphere in two thousand
and eight, I'll never know, But I know that I
experienced a quarter life crisis of epic proportions before and
I had a healthy relationship with food. I listened to
my hunger cues eight till I was satisfied, mostly when
(09:07):
I indulged. I didn't give the experience a second thought.
I was present, enjoyed every bite, moved on. Here's the thing.
I had also felt on top of the world my
whole life. I was an a student president of thus
and such and spoiled by a happy family that provided
anything I could want. I felt completely in control of
my life, sure that I could map out and accomplish
(09:28):
whatever I chose. Yet standing on a street corner that
first post college summer, tears streaming down my face, I
felt zero control. So I found a way to get
that feeling back. For me, disordered eating was never about looks.
I was okay with my body, had never really fluctuated
in my weight or given shape much thought. When I
began to restrict food and work out excessively. My way
(09:50):
low school wasn't physical. It was mental. I needed to
accomplish something to see it checked off the list. I
needed there to be something I could always manipulate. I
created food rules, a self constructed guideline for right and
wrong when it came to what I ate, how much,
and when if I ordered to wrap, I tore off
any piece that wasn't actually touching the filling. When I
(10:12):
ate almond butter with my breakfast, I couldn't have it
later in the day, but I could have peanut butter.
Not one or three, but only two. Scrambled eggs were acceptable,
And there were many others that I could no longer recall. Thankfully,
none of it made sense, none of it was healthy.
But following this imaginary protocol was calming and predictable. And
when I didn't or couldn't follow it, after a few
(10:35):
glasses of wine or out to dinner with a menu
I couldn't modify, I felt anxious, guilty, mentally and physically heavy.
The next day, I'd make sure to add a few
extra minutes or bump up the speed on my treadmill.
I'd leave a few more bites uneaten. Compensation was the
quickest and most satisfying way to get back to status quo.
(10:55):
The trickiest parts of my disordered eating were twofold. Firstly,
I was eating. I wasn't skipping meals or even eating
tiny portions all the time. I just wasn't eating enough.
Friends didn't pick up on any problem, so it's easy
for me to convince myself that all was well. Plus,
I'd created a comfortable distance between me and the people
who knew me best. Not only could I better filter
(11:17):
my behavior that way, I didn't have to put myself
in food compromising positions. As much as possible, I turned
down invites to the movies, to ice cream, drinks after
work or birthday dinners. Secondly, my world was a societal
environment of validation. Living in Supermodel City, I received constant
praise from my lean frame on a regular basis. The
(11:38):
gratification I felt wasn't because they approved of my looks.
It was because they were acknowledging the quote fruits of
my labor. The fragile world I'd constructed could only last
for so long. However, my best friend Francis invited me
to her mountain house for a long weekend. I knew
Francis was concerned, had picked up all my pain more
than anyone else. Our second night, we grabbed ice cream
(12:00):
in the local town and I said I was full,
with one scoop remaining. Francis gently asked if I was okay,
and I broke down. I called my parents and told
them I needed help. I started to see a therapist
who specialized in disordered eating, but it was cooking that
truly healed me. I began to spend my free time
(12:20):
selecting vibrant, fresh food from the Union Square farmers market,
taking it home to play with in the kitchen. Quickly,
my desire to control through restriction dissipated, as I found
a way to serve myself and others from the inside out.
By the time I graduated culinary school in two thousand
and third, team I had developed a sustainable and respectful
relationship with food. My world went from one centered around
(12:42):
fear to one centered around hope. I rarely have moments
where my old food rules worm their way into my
current life, but when they arise, I don't let them
guide my decisions, and this takes away their power. I
eat the second helping grab Chick fil A or chocolate croissant,
go of you days without veggies or slather on the butter,
on everything in sight. I just do it anyway, and
(13:06):
I see that the world doesn't implode. Life goes on,
but not as usual. It's better. Dear Lorly, how I
wish I could sit myself next to you twelve years ago,
where you stared at a city landscape. It looked as
bleak as your heart and your mind felt. If I could,
I'd rub your twenty two year old back while telling
(13:26):
you that you are powerful beyond measure, that you can
exhale and let go, that there is no such thing
as a finish line or having it all checked off
the list that everything is beautifully an evolution and an
ongoing journey. I'd remind you of what you've accomplished and
share a glimpse of accomplishments to come, which have nothing
(13:48):
to do with what you ate or didn't eat on
any given morning. I would lean in, hold your face
with my today hands and convince you that you don't
have to accomplish to be perfect and to be that
the feeling you're desperately seeking comes from simply resting and
your enoughness. I'd offer this as I offer it to myself. Now,
(14:10):
you are a beloved, divine miracle by virtue of just
being you, and there's nothing you have to do to
deserve it. Hey, I'm Rachel, and this is my story.
My eating disorder slash disordered eating started in eleventh grade,
right around the time I began taking Adderall, which was
prescribed for my a d h D. For those who know,
this kind of medication is known to suppress your appetite,
(14:32):
and since I was barely eating, I was also quickly
losing weight. Little did I know that this one thing
was going to trigger something way bigger. Within a few months,
I became completely obsessed with the way that I looked
and what I was, or more like, wasn't putting into
my body. I began completely restricting food. It started with
the typically unhealthier bad ones, and then it began to
spiral into a general fear of most foods. I was
(14:55):
body checking, constantly grabbing the parts of my body I
believe to be fat, staring in the mirror, repeating horrible
things to myself, over exercising my body's limits, obsessively weighing
myself sometimes up to five or six times a day,
and constantly, I mean constantly thinking and obsessing over food
and the way my body looked. Surprisingly, I actually never
(15:16):
felt pressure from society, and a majority of these issues
came from the pressure that I put on myself, as
I'm an overachiever and perfectionist. On the days that I
struggled so every day, I would feel physically, emotionally and
mentally exhausted. I was irritable, weak, and always extremely frustrated.
This deeply affected my relationships with my family, as I
was always acting out with virtually no reason in their minds.
(15:39):
I had so much trouble opening up and can barely
speak about my emotions. Also, I think it's important to
recognize that it wasn't even about the food at this point.
It was just about control and the ability to control
every situation in my life. I was so rigid and
stuck in my ways that I could barely even go away,
as a day off from the gym or out of
my routine was absolutely not allowed in my mind. Ultimately,
(16:02):
I knew I had to make a change when every
day was just more miserable than the next, I hit
a point so low that I basically isolated myself from
everyone and was finding it really hard to find the
joint things. I don't remember an exact moment that led
me to seek help, but there was an overall desire
to stop feeling so bad about myself. Once I began
therapy and really started to talk about my issues, I
(16:24):
noticed a huge shift in the way that I felt. Obviously,
it takes work, and I'm still nowhere near one, but
I do know that I'm feeling better each day. On
the days that old thoughts and patterns do arise, I
try to remind myself how miserable I felt then and
how fulfilled I feel now. I try to vocalize the thoughts,
as keeping them inside makes it worse for me. I
also really focus on not shifting or changing anything about
(16:46):
my current life, as I do not want to give
into my old patterns or behaviors. Doing these things definitely
help to alleviate the pressure, but it does not make
them go away. Honestly, I would say that every day
I choose to move forward through the pain and place
one foot in front of the other. By leaving that
life behind me, I've gained a newfound appreciation for food
and my relationships. Like I said before, I'm nowhere near one,
(17:10):
nor do I think i'll ever be, but I've gained
a new perspective on things. I'm actually able to go
out to eat with friends or family and really enjoy myself.
I also have so much more energy and time to
invest in things that really make me happy. Life now
is fun and interesting, and I'm so excited to continue
to grow. Dear younger Rachel, I am so sorry for
all of the pain and suffering that I put you through.
(17:32):
I'm sorry that I didn't recognize how deeply you were
suffering and how desperately you just needed to talk about
how you felt. I'm sorry for robbing you of the
joint excitement from so many situations and for making you
feel uncomfortable in your own skin. Honestly, though, I wouldn't
change anything that you went through, because you're suffering has
only made you a stronger person. I want you to
remember how badly you felt then and how happy and
(17:54):
free you feel now, and overall, I'm really proud of
who you become.
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
True Crime Tonight
If you eat, sleep, and breathe true crime, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT is serving up your nightly fix. Five nights a week, KT STUDIOS & iHEART RADIO invite listeners to pull up a seat for an unfiltered look at the biggest cases making headlines, celebrity scandals, and the trials everyone is watching. With a mix of expert analysis, hot takes, and listener call-ins, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT goes beyond the headlines to uncover the twists, turns, and unanswered questions that keep us all obsessed—because, at TRUE CRIME TONIGHT, there’s a seat for everyone. Whether breaking down crime scene forensics, scrutinizing serial killers, or debating the most binge-worthy true crime docs, True Crime Tonight is the fresh, fast-paced, and slightly addictive home for true crime lovers.