November 2, 2021 • 19 mins
Welcome to the '5th Thing' with Amy & Kat!!! Do you ever talk down to yourself? This episode is for you! Thank you to licensed therapist, Kat Defatta, for joining us with her wisdom. You can find her on Instagram: @Kat.Defatta + @YouNeedTherapyPodcast.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to the Fifth Thing. I'm here with Cat.
This is the Amien Cat Chat, and every Tuesday we
start the episodes off with a quote. And I follow
Mel Robbins on Instagram? Do you follow her? Okay? So
originally I did follow her, Right now I don't follow anybody,
which we'll talk about. Oh yeah, okay, So next Tuesday,
on the Fifth Thing with Amy and Cat, we're gonna
(00:26):
be talking about cats social media experiment where she unfollowed
everybody on Instagram, but she was still posting. I'm still
posting in Mel, I do love you, I just don't
follow you on Instagram right now. Yeah, I would love
to have Mel Robbins on the podcast for like a
Thursday Four Things episode. But she posted a quote by
Thomas Mafalo which said, you need to ignore what everyone
(00:49):
else is doing and achieving your life is about breaking
your own limits and outgrowing yourself to live your best life.
You are not in competition with anyone else pushed to
outdo your past, not other people, and some people. You
might have needed that quote today, but I feel like
sometimes I don't know that I see myself in competition
(01:13):
with everybody else, like I'm like there's room for everybody.
I saw this cute little girl speaking of Instagram doing
this real she's like this maybe four or five years old,
but she was doing one of those dubbed over where
she's voicing over like a woman that's saying and she
was like in her robe with her hair done. Again,
she's little makeup done. So it just I mean, clearly
her and her mom or maybe having some fun. But
(01:34):
she looks in the camera and I'm paraphrasing, but she's like,
I don't know about you, but I'm not in competition
with anybody because there's room for everybody. And I just
thought it was the cutest thing because I think that
there's a healthy level of competition, but at the same time,
we should be cheering each other on the story. Yeah, okay,
(01:54):
probably like three years ago when my friends started running.
She wanted to become a runner and I have to run,
so I helped cheer along her along the way, and
then we signed up for this. I think it was
like Labor Day, the five k or ten k. I
think we were in the five k and the goal
was just to get through it running the whole time,
no pace, no time goal, which just wanted to like
(02:15):
do it, so I ran with her um and I
stayed back with her the whole time, which I love
encouraging my friends when they want to run because I
just loved friend and we get to enjoy it together.
And we were towards the end, there was probably like
maybe a mile half mile left. There was a mom
with a stroller and she had like a probably four
year old and their four five year old kid in
(02:36):
the stroller, and she's running with him, and we're running
beside her. And again we're in the back, so there's
a lot of people that are probably already done, and
she's talking to her son the whole time. And I
didn't have headphones in because I was running with my friend,
and she like kind of stopped and slowed down, and
she was like, hey, I don't remember what the kid's
name was. She was like, hey, do you see how
everybody is running at different paces and everybody finishing at
(03:00):
different times? To her son. He was like yeah, mom,
And she was like, what I want you to see
is that everybody right now is doing the best they
can and everybody's level of the best that they can
do right now is different, and that's okay, and that's
all she said. And I think her son was like, okay, mom.
But I thought that was the coolest thing for somebody
(03:21):
to be instilling in their four year old kid as
they're running a race that is somewhat of a competition.
But even that, it created this idea that me and
my friend aren't running against the person who finished first.
We were running against the goal that my friend had set,
and that goal is just as valuable as the person
(03:42):
who wanted to finish the race in sixteen minutes. YEA
A sweet. I like almost started tearing up, and then
I was like, get it together on a special moment,
run up upon and literally, and I'm like that, she's
probably such a good mom. Oh man. I've a done
many races ever since I hurt my knee running a marathon.
(04:04):
I mean after that, I got into triathlons and I
did a few things, but I just your running story
made me think of the time that I did a
marathon and I was beating myself up because it took
me longer than I had originally planned, but my knee
was really hurt, but I was determined to keep going.
But there was this old man running carrying an American
(04:25):
flag like with a pole and that's heavy and you're
running and he beat me and I was like, oh
you were y No, No, I just wanted to that
bounced the basketball's the whole race, Like if you've seen that,
people do wild things. But when you're doing that, you
can't be like, oh, it doesn't matter what I'm doing
(04:45):
because he's bouncing a basketball, right, You're still doing something
twenty one at the time. So I wasn't as mature
in handling it. I felt kind of not felt defeated,
even though yeah, I wasn't racing the old man carrying
the flag the whole way. But I was like, oh,
why can't I be this or why can't I be
like that person? Or look at all these other runners
And I'm in, you know, three thousand, five hundred seventy
(05:08):
six place and it took me four and a half hours,
and I wanted it to take me or what why
are you looking at me like that? That's still fast?
I need to go look at my for sure versure time.
I think I could google it, but yeah, I was
somewhere around there like Oprah. I remember her giving her
marathon time whatever it is. Oprah beat me with her time.
She wasn't in the same race as me, It was
(05:29):
just from like her marathon time. But I just was
doing some negative self talk, which really, if I had
had a healthy mentality, there was nothing I should beat
myself up about. I had done something that I set
out to do and I completed it. So yeah, but
negative self talk puts us in a different mindset when
we can reverse it, like I do that a lot too,
where I say and I don't know the damage that
(05:51):
I'm doing by saying it, because I don't mean any harm.
But I often will do something and mess up and
think or say to myself, I was just so stupid.
And I don't want to do that because I know
that I'm not just my go to response. And I
don't want my kids to hear me say I'm so stupid,
because I would never want them to just call themselves
stupid for no reason, although I have heard that type
(06:12):
of rhetoric from them in one way or another, and
as a parent, you immediately want to go into no,
you're not. So. I just want us as adults to
recognize when we're doing it to ourselves. And I actually
saw a little article that shared some self talk phrases,
like negative self talk phrases that you can like reverse
for like a healthier mindset. So I thought we could
(06:34):
go over those if you want to do it. Okay,
So instead of I'm an idiot, which mine is I'm
so stupid, we could try saying I'm not understanding this
right now. You may have to reward it to work
(06:55):
whatever you're doing, or if you mess up or something,
and be like, oh wow, I just had an opportunity
to learn something thing here. Yeah, And I feel like
that actually, I mean, I think I call myself dumb.
That that's the word that I use. But I've been
thinking that about that a lot because I don't know
a lot of things about a lot of things. But
there are some things that I know a lot about,
Like I'm not very good at math, but that doesn't
(07:16):
mean that I'm dumb because I don't understand geometry. That
means that, like, that's not my gift, and my gift
is somewhere else. And I think we generalize things of
like because I don't understand this right now, that means X,
when really it's like it doesn't have to mean that
at I'm going to go through a list of all these.
I'm sure we'll have thoughts about all of them, but yeah,
you're you're right, and I think a lot of parents,
(07:38):
if you're a parent listening to this, you have to
ever help your kid with homework and that'll make you
feel do you am be real quick? See I can
spell too, but it does, especially that math that gets me,
And yeah, I'm like, wow, why how? Why? Why is
this confusing to me? Why can't why can't I seventh
(08:00):
grade math? But yeah, I have other strengths and I
don't need to call myself stupid because of it, or
dumb or an idiot or anything like that. Another negative
self talk phrase mentioned in this article was instead of
saying to yourself, I should be I'm an insert, it
says blank right now. It could be whatever, but like
I should be working right now. Because we always feel
this pressure of like I should be doing this right now,
(08:22):
you could try saying to yourself, I could be working
right now, but I'm choosing to do this instead. I'm
choosing to maybe sit and do nothing instead because maybe
that's what you need at the moment and that's okay.
Or I'm choosing to watch the real Housewives of Beverly
Hills reunion when maybe I should could be reading a book.
But did Erika know that's what we want to know?
(08:45):
Did you watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I tried
to watch the documentary you told me to watch and
I couldn't find it. A housewife and the Hustler? What
is it on Hulu? Who was not working on my
TV right now for some reason. We'll figure it out.
Figure that out because that's also where I all Real
Housewives everything. But don't beat yourself up for it. I mean,
there's a you can't just use this access as an
(09:07):
excuse for yourself all the time. But I think that
there's this pressure sometimes to always be hustling when speaking
of housewives and Huzzler, and we need to back off
of that. There's nothing that says besides society that we
need to be doing X, Y and Z all the
time and trying to prove to people that were, look
(09:28):
at me, look what I'm doing. I'm so so what
you're you're talking about what we like to call in
the therapy world shooting on yourself. Yeah, shooting, I shout,
shotting on yourself like I should be doing this I
should be doing that, I should be doing whatever. And
if you sit back and you're like, well who said that?
Who said that you should be doing that? You or
certain people you fall online that make you feel which
(09:51):
can we talk about Instagram for a second to like
you're getting everybody's highlight reel. Just felt the need to
remind that to anybody, because sometimes I need that reminder
of rebody is going through stuff but you're not seeing it.
I look at my own life, for example, and there's
stuff I'm not putting on Instagram because it's not for
public consumption. And also like nobody's just some people might be,
but like you're gonna get less people who are like, oh,
(10:12):
it's just me watching Real Housewives versus somebody posting about
this great grand thing they did. So we all are
doing that, we're just not telling you about it. Love it, okay.
Next one is instead of it's all my fault, try
saying I played a part in this situation and I'm
only responsible for my own decisions and actions. I love that. Yeah.
(10:34):
I think that we can often insert the all or
nothing rhetoric, which is never healthy. I can even use
myself as an example here where if I was having
an argument with my husband, I might say, because I'm
being reactionary, you always do this, And it's like, if
(10:55):
I were to backup, does he really always do that?
Or I could say that about myself, Oh, why are
you always so stupid? Back to the first one, it's like, well,
am I always not understanding this right now? Which is
the replacement for stupid? But yeah, I don't know. I
just think that that's something that that we can often do.
Is that really all or nothing mentality? I think there's
(11:19):
so much power in realizing that we don't have that
much power. So when we say it's all my fault,
that's saying that we have like all of this power
to make or break all these things, when really it's
a combination of the world. Yeah, and we play a
role in that, but then at the end of the day,
we're all in charge of our own lane and somebody
else was possibly in their lane. Contributing to whatever doesn't
(11:41):
mean you have to carry the weight. And I think
that even to sometimes an unhealthy situations, like if if
you're not in a great place, you might be taking
the blame on yourself for things. If you didn't have
blinders on, you would realize that, wow, none of this
is is not my fault. This is not my issue you,
this is not my lane. I am not in my
(12:02):
hula hoop giving my therapy talk here, but like literally,
I've been in a therapist office where I've stood inside
of a hula hoop to give me that visual of
like this is my hula hoop, this is your hula hoop,
and yours and yours and yours, and we all have
our own hoops, and we all have our own lanes,
and we are one hundred percent responsible for hours are
(12:25):
Like if you're in a relationship, a lot of people
say fifty fifty, but it's like, okay, well you're responsible
for your fifty percent of the relationship. Does that make sense?
So that means that there's someone else making up that
fifty percent, So something can't be totally all your fault.
And I'm sure you could find an example. We're not
talking about all things in life, but just like this
(12:46):
casual rhetoric of throwing around and getting used to saying
things like all or nothing talk, we need to be
aware of and at least try to pull back on.
So instead of I never should have try saying if
that hadn't happened, I so I guess regret. That's like
a regret conversation, and that can fuel negative self talk
(13:09):
when we mistake hindsight for something we could have predicted.
Beating yourself up for what you did in the past
will only make you feel bad in the presence. So
try to learn the lesson and move forward with that knowledge.
So instead of saying I never should have you can say,
if that hadn't happened, I don't know what I know now.
I like that because that's not saying like you can't
(13:31):
be sad or upset or whatever. It's it's saying like, yeah,
this didn't turn out the way I wanted to turn out,
and look what I learned exactly. The anxiety can around
some stuff or what is it that the past? When
you think too much about the past and the future,
that's where anxiety can live. And we just have to
focus on the president where am I right now? One
(13:54):
day at a time. We cannot change what happened in
the past. We cannot predict what's going to happen in
the future. So if we live in the past of like, oh,
I never should have done that, then we miss out
on so much because we're stuck there and we're probably
having anxiety about beating ourselves up about it. And then
if we have more of a mindset of like, okay,
(14:16):
if that had never happened, then I would not know this.
You know, I don't know if I already told this
story on here, but I learned that lesson from a
lawyer because something happened and had called a lawyer and
I was talking about what happened, and she said, Okay,
I'm gonna stop you. She said, we can't go back
and change what you did. You already did it. It's
already done. So all we can do is focus on
how do we take what happened and move forward with it?
(14:38):
What needs to be the next step we make because
you're talking about how you shouldn't have done this isn't
really using your time well, and you're paying me basically
by the minute. And you learned from it, right, Oh
my gosh, did I learned from it? Yeah? Okay. Next
one is instead of they must think I'm blank, try
their actions are just They're actions, nothing more or less.
(15:02):
Like assuming people think negatively of you, which I often do,
that results in you beating yourself up over a perceived idea.
Remember that those are just thoughts, not facts, and over
time they can reshape how you think of yourself. And
that makes me think of something you say often, hat
is what are the facts? All you can do is
(15:23):
work off the facts, and unless you're a mind reader,
what you're thinking that someone else is thinking about you
is not a fact. I'm so bad at this. I'm
just gonna say, I am so bad about I don't know.
It is so ingrained in me to think that people
are thinking the worst of me. There's two things in that. One,
if they are thinking something negative, Okay, then we can
(15:44):
go down that road. Okay, what does that mean and
let's talk about why that's important. The other thing is
what is it about you, or them, or the world,
or your relationship with that person that makes you think
that all of their behaviors and we talked we've talked
about this on here their facial spressions and there this
is about you when they are living their own life
with their own stuff that you cannot see and that
(16:07):
I roll might have nothing to do with you. Like,
what about your relationship makes you automatically think that that's you?
I know, and I'm I'm one guilty of that, like
all the time, what did I do? What did I do?
What A making it about me? And I know, but
I mean, sometimes honestly it might be. But if you're
in a healthy enough place, then you can have a
(16:27):
conversation and say, hey, just what's the first part of
like what if that is you? What if that is
what they're thinking? What what? Okay, Well, let's we can
talk about that. And then the other thing is, well,
there's a really really big possibility that has nothing to
do with you, and so what would it be like
to realize that maybe you're not that important in that scenario?
Rebuilding that neuropathway for me has been really difficult for
(16:50):
me for sure. And now to put a bow on
this whole conversation, the last one I'm anna end with
kind of goes back to the quote that we shared
at the beginning, which is that of saying to yourself,
why can't I be like them? Which I think might
be a common thing, especially speaking of scrolling through Instagram
and why can't my life be like that? Try saying
while they're doing so well and there's enough good to
(17:12):
go around for all of us. So when you compare
yourself to others, you're telling yourself that you're not good
enough in some sort of a way. So rather than
try to measure yourself against them, try celebrating the things
that you love about them and things that you love
about yourself. Boom boom, tie that bow. I hope that
this little Cat and Amy chat is hopeful for you. Um,
(17:36):
we're trying to make these, you know, short and sweet
to the point. If y'all ever have questions for me
or for Cat and you want it to be featured
in the Fifth Thing, then send us emails for things
with Amy Brown at gmail dot com put fifth Thing
in the subject line. And you never know when your
email might pop up on one of these episodes. Just
(17:57):
like today we didn't reference an email. We do we
you have emails that will be using in future episodes,
but you never know what we're going to talk about.
Might give you some little tools to keep in your
back pocket. And you can find Cat on Instagram. She
is at Cat dot de fata and then Cat, where
else can we find you? Well, you can find you
need therapy podcast at you need therapy podcasts on Instagram,
(18:21):
and then you need therapy podcast where you listen to podcasts.
That's where. And then if you all have yet to
rate and review Four Things with Amy Brown or you
need therapy podcast, we dare you to do it day
I dare you have to do it. I dare you
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nice comment. But also with that said, if you have
(18:43):
constructive criticism that you would like to send our way,
you can send it in the email. You don't need
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Don't need to put it in the comments like, it's
just not necessary thatout be off guys. Yeah, that way
we can work on it. Thank you. By Pipe
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to the Fifth Thing. I'm here with Cat.
This is the Amien Cat Chat, and every Tuesday we
start the episodes off with a quote. And I follow
Mel Robbins on Instagram? Do you follow her? Okay? So
originally I did follow her, Right now I don't follow anybody,
which we'll talk about. Oh yeah, okay, So next Tuesday,
on the Fifth Thing with Amy and Cat, we're gonna
(00:26):
be talking about cats social media experiment where she unfollowed
everybody on Instagram, but she was still posting. I'm still
posting in Mel, I do love you, I just don't
follow you on Instagram right now. Yeah, I would love
to have Mel Robbins on the podcast for like a
Thursday Four Things episode. But she posted a quote by
Thomas Mafalo which said, you need to ignore what everyone
(00:49):
else is doing and achieving your life is about breaking
your own limits and outgrowing yourself to live your best life.
You are not in competition with anyone else pushed to
outdo your past, not other people, and some people. You
might have needed that quote today, but I feel like
sometimes I don't know that I see myself in competition
(01:13):
with everybody else, like I'm like there's room for everybody.
I saw this cute little girl speaking of Instagram doing
this real she's like this maybe four or five years old,
but she was doing one of those dubbed over where
she's voicing over like a woman that's saying and she
was like in her robe with her hair done. Again,
she's little makeup done. So it just I mean, clearly
her and her mom or maybe having some fun. But
(01:34):
she looks in the camera and I'm paraphrasing, but she's like,
I don't know about you, but I'm not in competition
with anybody because there's room for everybody. And I just
thought it was the cutest thing because I think that
there's a healthy level of competition, but at the same time,
we should be cheering each other on the story. Yeah, okay,
(01:54):
probably like three years ago when my friends started running.
She wanted to become a runner and I have to run,
so I helped cheer along her along the way, and
then we signed up for this. I think it was
like Labor Day, the five k or ten k. I
think we were in the five k and the goal
was just to get through it running the whole time,
no pace, no time goal, which just wanted to like
(02:15):
do it, so I ran with her um and I
stayed back with her the whole time, which I love
encouraging my friends when they want to run because I
just loved friend and we get to enjoy it together.
And we were towards the end, there was probably like
maybe a mile half mile left. There was a mom
with a stroller and she had like a probably four
year old and their four five year old kid in
(02:36):
the stroller, and she's running with him, and we're running
beside her. And again we're in the back, so there's
a lot of people that are probably already done, and
she's talking to her son the whole time. And I
didn't have headphones in because I was running with my friend,
and she like kind of stopped and slowed down, and
she was like, hey, I don't remember what the kid's
name was. She was like, hey, do you see how
everybody is running at different paces and everybody finishing at
(03:00):
different times? To her son. He was like yeah, mom,
And she was like, what I want you to see
is that everybody right now is doing the best they
can and everybody's level of the best that they can
do right now is different, and that's okay, and that's
all she said. And I think her son was like, okay, mom.
But I thought that was the coolest thing for somebody
(03:21):
to be instilling in their four year old kid as
they're running a race that is somewhat of a competition.
But even that, it created this idea that me and
my friend aren't running against the person who finished first.
We were running against the goal that my friend had set,
and that goal is just as valuable as the person
(03:42):
who wanted to finish the race in sixteen minutes. YEA
A sweet. I like almost started tearing up, and then
I was like, get it together on a special moment,
run up upon and literally, and I'm like that, she's
probably such a good mom. Oh man. I've a done
many races ever since I hurt my knee running a marathon.
(04:04):
I mean after that, I got into triathlons and I
did a few things, but I just your running story
made me think of the time that I did a
marathon and I was beating myself up because it took
me longer than I had originally planned, but my knee
was really hurt, but I was determined to keep going.
But there was this old man running carrying an American
(04:25):
flag like with a pole and that's heavy and you're
running and he beat me and I was like, oh
you were y No, No, I just wanted to that
bounced the basketball's the whole race, Like if you've seen that,
people do wild things. But when you're doing that, you
can't be like, oh, it doesn't matter what I'm doing
(04:45):
because he's bouncing a basketball, right, You're still doing something
twenty one at the time. So I wasn't as mature
in handling it. I felt kind of not felt defeated,
even though yeah, I wasn't racing the old man carrying
the flag the whole way. But I was like, oh,
why can't I be this or why can't I be
like that person? Or look at all these other runners
And I'm in, you know, three thousand, five hundred seventy
(05:08):
six place and it took me four and a half hours,
and I wanted it to take me or what why
are you looking at me like that? That's still fast?
I need to go look at my for sure versure time.
I think I could google it, but yeah, I was
somewhere around there like Oprah. I remember her giving her
marathon time whatever it is. Oprah beat me with her time.
She wasn't in the same race as me, It was
(05:29):
just from like her marathon time. But I just was
doing some negative self talk, which really, if I had
had a healthy mentality, there was nothing I should beat
myself up about. I had done something that I set
out to do and I completed it. So yeah, but
negative self talk puts us in a different mindset when
we can reverse it, like I do that a lot too,
where I say and I don't know the damage that
(05:51):
I'm doing by saying it, because I don't mean any harm.
But I often will do something and mess up and
think or say to myself, I was just so stupid.
And I don't want to do that because I know
that I'm not just my go to response. And I
don't want my kids to hear me say I'm so stupid,
because I would never want them to just call themselves
stupid for no reason, although I have heard that type
(06:12):
of rhetoric from them in one way or another, and
as a parent, you immediately want to go into no,
you're not. So. I just want us as adults to
recognize when we're doing it to ourselves. And I actually
saw a little article that shared some self talk phrases,
like negative self talk phrases that you can like reverse
for like a healthier mindset. So I thought we could
(06:34):
go over those if you want to do it. Okay,
So instead of I'm an idiot, which mine is I'm
so stupid, we could try saying I'm not understanding this
right now. You may have to reward it to work
(06:55):
whatever you're doing, or if you mess up or something,
and be like, oh wow, I just had an opportunity
to learn something thing here. Yeah, And I feel like
that actually, I mean, I think I call myself dumb.
That that's the word that I use. But I've been
thinking that about that a lot because I don't know
a lot of things about a lot of things. But
there are some things that I know a lot about,
Like I'm not very good at math, but that doesn't
(07:16):
mean that I'm dumb because I don't understand geometry. That
means that, like, that's not my gift, and my gift
is somewhere else. And I think we generalize things of
like because I don't understand this right now, that means X,
when really it's like it doesn't have to mean that
at I'm going to go through a list of all these.
I'm sure we'll have thoughts about all of them, but yeah,
you're you're right, and I think a lot of parents,
(07:38):
if you're a parent listening to this, you have to
ever help your kid with homework and that'll make you
feel do you am be real quick? See I can
spell too, but it does, especially that math that gets me,
And yeah, I'm like, wow, why how? Why? Why is
this confusing to me? Why can't why can't I seventh
(08:00):
grade math? But yeah, I have other strengths and I
don't need to call myself stupid because of it, or
dumb or an idiot or anything like that. Another negative
self talk phrase mentioned in this article was instead of
saying to yourself, I should be I'm an insert, it
says blank right now. It could be whatever, but like
I should be working right now. Because we always feel
this pressure of like I should be doing this right now,
(08:22):
you could try saying to yourself, I could be working
right now, but I'm choosing to do this instead. I'm
choosing to maybe sit and do nothing instead because maybe
that's what you need at the moment and that's okay.
Or I'm choosing to watch the real Housewives of Beverly
Hills reunion when maybe I should could be reading a book.
But did Erika know that's what we want to know?
(08:45):
Did you watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I tried
to watch the documentary you told me to watch and
I couldn't find it. A housewife and the Hustler? What
is it on Hulu? Who was not working on my
TV right now for some reason. We'll figure it out.
Figure that out because that's also where I all Real
Housewives everything. But don't beat yourself up for it. I mean,
there's a you can't just use this access as an
(09:07):
excuse for yourself all the time. But I think that
there's this pressure sometimes to always be hustling when speaking
of housewives and Huzzler, and we need to back off
of that. There's nothing that says besides society that we
need to be doing X, Y and Z all the
time and trying to prove to people that were, look
(09:28):
at me, look what I'm doing. I'm so so what
you're you're talking about what we like to call in
the therapy world shooting on yourself. Yeah, shooting, I shout,
shotting on yourself like I should be doing this I
should be doing that, I should be doing whatever. And
if you sit back and you're like, well who said that?
Who said that you should be doing that? You or
certain people you fall online that make you feel which
(09:51):
can we talk about Instagram for a second to like
you're getting everybody's highlight reel. Just felt the need to
remind that to anybody, because sometimes I need that reminder
of rebody is going through stuff but you're not seeing it.
I look at my own life, for example, and there's
stuff I'm not putting on Instagram because it's not for
public consumption. And also like nobody's just some people might be,
but like you're gonna get less people who are like, oh,
(10:12):
it's just me watching Real Housewives versus somebody posting about
this great grand thing they did. So we all are
doing that, we're just not telling you about it. Love it, okay.
Next one is instead of it's all my fault, try
saying I played a part in this situation and I'm
only responsible for my own decisions and actions. I love that. Yeah.
(10:34):
I think that we can often insert the all or
nothing rhetoric, which is never healthy. I can even use
myself as an example here where if I was having
an argument with my husband, I might say, because I'm
being reactionary, you always do this, And it's like, if
(10:55):
I were to backup, does he really always do that?
Or I could say that about myself, Oh, why are
you always so stupid? Back to the first one, it's like, well,
am I always not understanding this right now? Which is
the replacement for stupid? But yeah, I don't know. I
just think that that's something that that we can often do.
Is that really all or nothing mentality? I think there's
(11:19):
so much power in realizing that we don't have that
much power. So when we say it's all my fault,
that's saying that we have like all of this power
to make or break all these things, when really it's
a combination of the world. Yeah, and we play a
role in that, but then at the end of the day,
we're all in charge of our own lane and somebody
else was possibly in their lane. Contributing to whatever doesn't
(11:41):
mean you have to carry the weight. And I think
that even to sometimes an unhealthy situations, like if if
you're not in a great place, you might be taking
the blame on yourself for things. If you didn't have
blinders on, you would realize that, wow, none of this
is is not my fault. This is not my issue you,
this is not my lane. I am not in my
(12:02):
hula hoop giving my therapy talk here, but like literally,
I've been in a therapist office where I've stood inside
of a hula hoop to give me that visual of
like this is my hula hoop, this is your hula hoop,
and yours and yours and yours, and we all have
our own hoops, and we all have our own lanes,
and we are one hundred percent responsible for hours are
(12:25):
Like if you're in a relationship, a lot of people
say fifty fifty, but it's like, okay, well you're responsible
for your fifty percent of the relationship. Does that make sense?
So that means that there's someone else making up that
fifty percent, So something can't be totally all your fault.
And I'm sure you could find an example. We're not
talking about all things in life, but just like this
(12:46):
casual rhetoric of throwing around and getting used to saying
things like all or nothing talk, we need to be
aware of and at least try to pull back on.
So instead of I never should have try saying if
that hadn't happened, I so I guess regret. That's like
a regret conversation, and that can fuel negative self talk
(13:09):
when we mistake hindsight for something we could have predicted.
Beating yourself up for what you did in the past
will only make you feel bad in the presence. So
try to learn the lesson and move forward with that knowledge.
So instead of saying I never should have you can say,
if that hadn't happened, I don't know what I know now.
I like that because that's not saying like you can't
(13:31):
be sad or upset or whatever. It's it's saying like, yeah,
this didn't turn out the way I wanted to turn out,
and look what I learned exactly. The anxiety can around
some stuff or what is it that the past? When
you think too much about the past and the future,
that's where anxiety can live. And we just have to
focus on the president where am I right now? One
(13:54):
day at a time. We cannot change what happened in
the past. We cannot predict what's going to happen in
the future. So if we live in the past of like, oh,
I never should have done that, then we miss out
on so much because we're stuck there and we're probably
having anxiety about beating ourselves up about it. And then
if we have more of a mindset of like, okay,
(14:16):
if that had never happened, then I would not know this.
You know, I don't know if I already told this
story on here, but I learned that lesson from a
lawyer because something happened and had called a lawyer and
I was talking about what happened, and she said, Okay,
I'm gonna stop you. She said, we can't go back
and change what you did. You already did it. It's
already done. So all we can do is focus on
how do we take what happened and move forward with it?
(14:38):
What needs to be the next step we make because
you're talking about how you shouldn't have done this isn't
really using your time well, and you're paying me basically
by the minute. And you learned from it, right, Oh
my gosh, did I learned from it? Yeah? Okay. Next
one is instead of they must think I'm blank, try
their actions are just They're actions, nothing more or less.
(15:02):
Like assuming people think negatively of you, which I often do,
that results in you beating yourself up over a perceived idea.
Remember that those are just thoughts, not facts, and over
time they can reshape how you think of yourself. And
that makes me think of something you say often, hat
is what are the facts? All you can do is
(15:23):
work off the facts, and unless you're a mind reader,
what you're thinking that someone else is thinking about you
is not a fact. I'm so bad at this. I'm
just gonna say, I am so bad about I don't know.
It is so ingrained in me to think that people
are thinking the worst of me. There's two things in that. One,
if they are thinking something negative, Okay, then we can
(15:44):
go down that road. Okay, what does that mean and
let's talk about why that's important. The other thing is
what is it about you, or them, or the world,
or your relationship with that person that makes you think
that all of their behaviors and we talked we've talked
about this on here their facial spressions and there this
is about you when they are living their own life
with their own stuff that you cannot see and that
(16:07):
I roll might have nothing to do with you. Like,
what about your relationship makes you automatically think that that's you?
I know, and I'm I'm one guilty of that, like
all the time, what did I do? What did I do?
What A making it about me? And I know, but
I mean, sometimes honestly it might be. But if you're
in a healthy enough place, then you can have a
(16:27):
conversation and say, hey, just what's the first part of
like what if that is you? What if that is
what they're thinking? What what? Okay, Well, let's we can
talk about that. And then the other thing is, well,
there's a really really big possibility that has nothing to
do with you, and so what would it be like
to realize that maybe you're not that important in that scenario?
Rebuilding that neuropathway for me has been really difficult for
(16:50):
me for sure. And now to put a bow on
this whole conversation, the last one I'm anna end with
kind of goes back to the quote that we shared
at the beginning, which is that of saying to yourself,
why can't I be like them? Which I think might
be a common thing, especially speaking of scrolling through Instagram
and why can't my life be like that? Try saying
while they're doing so well and there's enough good to
(17:12):
go around for all of us. So when you compare
yourself to others, you're telling yourself that you're not good
enough in some sort of a way. So rather than
try to measure yourself against them, try celebrating the things
that you love about them and things that you love
about yourself. Boom boom, tie that bow. I hope that
this little Cat and Amy chat is hopeful for you. Um,
(17:36):
we're trying to make these, you know, short and sweet
to the point. If y'all ever have questions for me
or for Cat and you want it to be featured
in the Fifth Thing, then send us emails for things
with Amy Brown at gmail dot com put fifth Thing
in the subject line. And you never know when your
email might pop up on one of these episodes. Just
(17:57):
like today we didn't reference an email. We do we
you have emails that will be using in future episodes,
but you never know what we're going to talk about.
Might give you some little tools to keep in your
back pocket. And you can find Cat on Instagram. She
is at Cat dot de fata and then Cat, where
else can we find you? Well, you can find you
need therapy podcast at you need therapy podcasts on Instagram,
(18:21):
and then you need therapy podcast where you listen to podcasts.
That's where. And then if you all have yet to
rate and review Four Things with Amy Brown or you
need therapy podcast, we dare you to do it day
I dare you have to do it. I dare you
to put five stars. I dare you to write a
nice comment. But also with that said, if you have
(18:43):
constructive criticism that you would like to send our way,
you can send it in the email. You don't need
to post it on the Nope, don't need to do that.
Don't need to put it in the comments like, it's
just not necessary thatout be off guys. Yeah, that way
we can work on it. Thank you. By Pipe
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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