February 22, 2022 • 26 mins
Welcome to the '5th Thing' with Amy & Kat!! This episode’s quote about working mom guilt led to a whole conversation about our responsibility to use our words wisely around kids because they are listening…whether it’s apologizing for working (which you don’t have to do) or speaking negatively about your body or expressing food guilt…if kids don’t hear us say it...they won’t have the need to apologize for such things when they are adults. Kat and Amy also talked about women apologizing too much in general…so let’s stop saying sorry if it’s not actually something we need to be sorry for! Other topics from today’s chat include an update on the kid Amy mentored over 10 years ago (a listener found him!!!), impacting others, the book Cultish and a new bonus episode that is coming soon called ‘The Walk Thing.’
Thank you licensed therapist, Kat Defatta, for joining us with her wisdom. You can find her on Instagram: @Kat.Defatta + @YouNeedTherapyPodcast.
Best places to find more about Amy: RadioAmy.com + @RadioAmy
Please send emails for the 5th thing to 4ThingsWithAmyBrown@gmail.com
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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Happy Tuesday. Amy here, and I've got my fifth in
co host, Cat, which is a licensed therapist. And things
we talked about aren't always therapy ish therapy. Sometimes sometimes
they are and that is okay. And our conversations, yeah,
like Cat has to say on her UNIQ therapy podcast
(00:25):
or not a replacement for therapy, but hopefully after we
talk about something like you'll feel less alone and whatever
it is that you're facing. Our quote for today, I
actually saw Paula Faris put up and I think she
had done something with Hoda cob and it was a
quote from Hoda. It's a picture of Hodo with her
two kids and it's said she said, my mom worked
and she never appeared to feel guilty at all. She
(00:48):
just had to go to work and when she came home,
she loved being home. I don't have a lot of
working mom guilt because when you're a product of it,
and your mom doesn't spend her whole life a paul
jizing for it, there is no need for you to either.
And I think that is a great quote that applies
to working moms out there that might feel mom guilt.
(01:10):
But Cat, I know I shared this quote with you
earlier you thought it could be very fitting into even
how we can be as moms with our kids around
food and body image. So I want you to share
that with us, especially since it's need A week, which
is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, which this episode won't
(01:30):
focus on that, but I co host an Outweigh podcast
every Saturday that is well about all of that, and
we have a lot of episodes up, so if you're
ever looking for comfort in that area and you want
to hear from everyday people that have had eating disorders,
you want to hear from experts, there are so many
episodes up that I hope will bring you so much
(01:53):
help during the season. And my real hope is that
through this awareness, or maybe through listening to something or
maybe seeing something this week because there is more out there,
that you'll have the resources to get some help if
that's what you need. So back to the hode of quote,
how would you tie that into you know, kind of
what moms can end up doing with their kids around
(02:14):
body and food. Well, when I just loved that when
I read it, but then the first thing I thought
is like, oh my gosh, it's gonna apply to so
many things, Like if I grow up with a mom
who celebrates her body and eats all different kinds of
foods and has a kind relationship with exercise, then I'm
going to be more apt to take that on. Versus
(02:35):
if I have a mom who's constantly picking herself apart
in the mirror, or I see her change into fifteen
different outfits area to every time we're getting ready to
go somewhere, or she talks about how she feels so
guilty for eating different things, and I'm also going to
take that on. And my head automatically goes to this
because this is just what I'm like working with every
single day in my job. But this can be applied
(02:56):
to any of the behaviors that were normalizing out there.
Is kids look, and kids pick up, and kids see yes,
and they even when you think they're not listening, they're listening.
And so whether you're a mom now or a dad,
because we do have men that listen, shout out, or
(03:17):
you know you might be one day, or you're around
nieces and nephews or other kids, just being more aware
of how you're acting about certain things and what you're
saying so that way you're not well. Essentially like rubbing
off on them and you know, creating thoughts in their
little brains that they never otherwise would have had until
(03:38):
they heard you say that. And so yeah, I like
the part where she just said there is no need
for you to either, because her mom never apologized for it,
so she doesn't need to. And so I think as
women too sometimes Again, I know I just said men
are listening. Now I'm going to go speak to the
women as we say sorry a lot, And why is
that we apologize for so much all the time and
(03:59):
you don't see men walking around like I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. Yeah, I feel like even I've been seeing
so many things over the internet about like the way
that women write an email versus the way a man
writes it an email, and what it would look like
for a woman to write an email like a man.
I'm like, it should just all be the same. Oh,
but it's not. Morgan Too from The Bobby Bones Show.
(04:21):
We do a special episode on The Bobby Bones Show
podcast every I think it goes up on Fridays or Saturdays,
where it's a behind the scenes look at some of
the best bits from the week and she breaks them
down and she tries to have a guest from the
show each week, and so I was her guest this
last week. And this actually came up in our conversation
about how I guess through her therapist, maybe she realized
(04:43):
how she would write emails and kind of use the
word just like, Hey, I was just checking in to
do this. I'm checking right, like what what's the problem
and just checking. I'm trying not to bother you. I
just want to, like, you know, squeeze in here really quick.
And so she's that she has had to work really
really hard to not type the word just in an email.
(05:07):
Work emails is specifically what I'm talking about, because she
might need something from someone and it's like, hey, just
vent and why can't it be like, hey, do you
have that thing you were working on? I never thought
about just being a word that was also kind of
like but sorry for emailing. That's like the difference between
like a strong independent woman who's like a boss is
(05:30):
looked at one way with a certain word that I'm
not going to say, but a strong independent man who's
a boss is looked at as just a strong independent
man whose boss. There is something I want to share
this and this is not from me. A client taught
me this cat. I want to take credit for it,
but I just cancel. But I had a client who
would apologize all the time, all of the time, and
(05:53):
even um with me if if they were late, sorry
I'm late, like sorry, I'm not doing this right, sorry, sorry, sorry.
And so one day she came in and she was late,
and she goes, thank you for being patient, and I
was like, you're welcome. She's like, that's my new thing.
Instead of saying sorry, I'm saying thank you for waiting
for me, thank you for being patient, because I have
nothing to apologize, because because I didn't do anything wrong,
(06:16):
and because sorry should be reserved for the times where
we've really I'm so sorry that I yeah. But even
I have caught myself because sometimes I can get behind
and responding to emails and versus saying like I'm so
sorry for the lack of immediate response, I say thank
you for being patient with my response, and it is
made me feel so powerful. I love that I find
(06:38):
myself doing that with text messages if I'm not replying
in a twenty four hour period. I wasn't ever excellent
at texts, but now I've gotten worse I don't know.
I'm just trying out to be on my phone unread text.
Do you have right now? Let me see? Let me
go check that out. I have, well, sixty six, I
have thirty seven. I mean it's not bad sixty six.
(07:00):
I've been in the hundreds. But are they group text?
Because that's some of them honestly are ads from Revolve,
so that doesn't count. I love Bander and Revolves. You
want them, I like them, I appreciate them. I'm like, oh,
ban Deer, thank you for being patient. Let me see
what you have. Oh there's a sale. I missed the sale,
(07:25):
but thank you for being patient. Does this code still work?
Because I would love to save so But some of
them are yes, a lot of group text. That's where
I get behind because I am trying to at least respond,
but I do find myself deleting, like typing out sorry
for just now replying, and I'm like, who cares? Like
(07:45):
I first of all, don't need to apologize. Second of all,
I don't want them to think I'm just being cliche
and saying sorry, sorry for just now repplying. But I
still do it. I'm not perfect, don't get me wrong.
And sometimes if I genuinely do feel bad because maybe
I did it and then I messed up, But still
that doesn't make me a bad person because phones have
just made us so available all the time. But they're
(08:09):
also really cool because I'm going to share something. Um
last Thursday's Four Things episode, I had lunch box on
from the Bobby Bone Show and we somehow got into
a conversation, I think towards the end because he mentors
it a place called kid Power and the only reason
why he started working with them was because they came
into the Bobby Bone Show talk about what they were
doing in Nashville and they were having a fun run,
(08:30):
and so he went to the fun run and he
won the race, but it was four kids, all kids,
so he's an adult that one. And anyway, he just
decided to keep helping them out because he was like, Okay,
these kids they could use me. I'm gonna help kind
of like a big brother type situation. And I was like,
you know, I was a mentor when I lived in
North Carolina to this kid, trevyon and I said, but
(08:52):
I have no idea where he is now. One of
our listeners found Trevion on Facebook for me and sent
lunch Box the link, and the lunch box came and
gave it to me, and I messaged him, it's been
so long since I did a messenger on Facebook that
you have to download a completely different app to message
on Facebook. Did you know that if you're on your phone? Yes,
(09:13):
but that's been that way for like a really long time. Okay,
So you have Facebook messaged to Amy in the last
how many years? She didn't get it? Okay years. So,
because I was so excited to talk with him, I
download the messenger app, which is like white with purple
and pink, and then boom, there's all these messages. And
(09:36):
so we have been messaging back and forth and I
just hit him up and was like hey, and he
replied back. I sent him a message like nervously, saying hey,
and because I didn't know what do you what? Do
you know who I was? And he goes, oh, my goodness, Hey,
And then I replied that hey, didn't know if you
(09:56):
would remember me. All you said was hey. When I replied, now,
I said hey, I didn't know if the original message yes,
I didn't know what to say, So then I said,
didn't know if you would remember me? I said, I
thought about you the other day and then set out
to find you, which shout out to our amazing listeners
because they found him. And I said, how are you?
(10:17):
And he replied and this like I did tear up.
I wasn't full blown crying, but I teared up, and
he said, what I could never forget you. I tell
people about the impact you made all the time. I
think the last time I spoke to you, I was
heading to the Cordon Blue in Florida. Which also, this
is me inserting here. It feels weird for me to
even read those words back. I'm not trying to be
(10:38):
like like I didn't know if you remember me, because
it's not like I was a term influence and I'm
not tooting my horn by any means. He was just
as special for me. When I lived in North Carolina
because my husband was deployed. I moved there knowing nobody.
Some people from my church were doing this mentorship thing
at a local middle school, so I signed up and
took this course. And then I've been towards this kid
(11:00):
in my neighborhood and we would hang out. Well, I
don't need to give his family history, but there was
some stuff there and he needed some extra support. I
do remember him going through a lot, and we would
eat food a lot because he loved food. He watched
the Food Network. He wanted to be a chef. And
the cool part is my neighbor in downtown Southern Pines
(11:20):
was the chef of the nicest restaurant down there called
Jeff Warren's, and so he would let us come eat
at the bar and watch him cook, and he would
even talk to trevi on about cooking and all these things.
And so I think it was those that were around
me that were impactful, more impactful than I ever would
have been. I just was able to provide experiences for
him that he wasn't going to have. But anyway, I
(11:43):
just had to decide note that because it feels weird
to be like, hey, we're not saying that you're impactful.
I think he's saying I know, but even reading it back,
like I don't want it to be like I'm coming
across as like look what I did person's life. Yeah, No,
(12:08):
so he said. I think the last thing we spoke,
I was heading to look Court on Blue in Florida,
which drastically changed my last year of school. I ended
up getting into a little bit of trouble which caused
me to completely have to change course. I still managed
to make it to the restaurant industry, and I've worked
with some amazing chefs. I've even been featured a little
bit on the news for a brey that I helped open.
(12:29):
I've mastered American, French and Asian cuisines. I've done a
lot of failing and some succeeding. I made a lot
of mistakes, but I'm doing great. And then he said,
is your dog still alive? And I was like, oh, no, Josie.
How long ago was that? Well, so Josie died in
two thousand eighteen, so I had her like ten eleven years.
(12:51):
I don't know if I got her an O seven
or eight. Anyway, it's all fuzzy, but I just said
that Josie died, So I told him and I made
me miss my dog Josie because she's the sweetest Rottweiler
ever in the world. And with Trevion one time, I
know I have a cat now named Maggie. But back
on during one of the days I was mentoring him,
we went to look at cats that were available to rescue,
(13:13):
and we rescued one because he thought this one cat
was like so cool, and I was like, let's get it,
let's get it. I'll take it home. Well, I took
it home. Josie did not like a cat. So I
am the person. See this is where y'all need to
not I'm not a good person. I had to return
a cat that I rescued. I returned it, but I
returned it with all the toys and all the food,
(13:35):
and I said, you can just pass this along to
the next family that gets the cat. But like, I
can't keep this cat because my dog is going to
eat it. I don't think you had. It's causing me stress,
and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration.
But I was young. And then Ben was like in
Afghanistan and he's like, you gotta what. I'm like, I
got a cat, but I don't have a cat anymore. Cat.
(13:56):
So anyway, we started corresponding back and forth, and I
invited him to come to Nashville, and he said he
would love to come visit. And so we're now texting
about hanging out and coming to Nashville. I was like,
the food scene here is good, so I'll take him
to some restaurants and that'll be so fun, and maybe
he can like cook one night for the kids. I'm like,
(14:17):
we'll trivi on which he was even a part. See
what I mean is he did more for me than
he realizes to like, because we were adopting domestically at
the time. This was before we decided to go international
and do from Haiti. We were getting a newborn baby
from America. But you have two specified do you want,
like what ethnicity or what you what races are you
(14:37):
open to, Like do you want Caucasian or you open
to any rate anything. We were open to anything. We
didn't know what would happen. We just wanted if a
baby was available, we were available. So part of our
adoption training was too if we were going to be
white parents of possible black children, Like, you can't just
keep your child around white people all the time, so
(14:59):
you also to go be a part of a community
where you see what that feels like. So Trevion went
to an all black church and you go, yeah, his
Grandma's saying in the choir, and we went and it
was so funny. We were the only white people there.
It was amazing. They were so welcoming. But it was
funny because at the beginning they're like, you know, happy Sunday,
so happy to see everybody here. Do we have any visitors?
(15:19):
And we were like, let me stand up, stand up,
I said, I think it's obvious, I think and he's like, no,
no, no no, stand up. So we stood up. But like
he gave me experiences as well, and so anyway, this
also is like a little p s a of like,
if you have an opportunity to be a mentor in
your community, whatever, that looks like, I don't know what
(15:40):
can make a difference, and then you know, ten years
later you might connect with the kid. Uh. You know
what that's making me think of is in school. I
had to in my graduate program. We had to immerse
ourselves in a in a some kind of culture, society
or place that wasn't your norm and you could literally
pick anything. Did I ever tell you the story? Do
(16:01):
you know where I went? I went to a scientology church.
You did not tell me this? Tell me more. Have
you watched the Lisa Writtna not Lisa I want to
watch that. I want to watch it because i've after
I listened to the book Cold Tish it. They talked
a lot about scientology, and I'm like, oh my gosh,
some of this stuff makes sense that I experienced, So
I want to watch that documentary. But I didn't get
(16:23):
the same experience that you got by going to church.
I was terrified. It was yeah, I went to the
one here. Oh wow, Okay. So and in that book
you're reading, it's called Cold Tish it is so good
you recommend it. Yes, obviously you're like, it's so good,
and I'm like, but yeah, it's so good. But the
we had to write a paper on like what we learned,
(16:44):
and so my UM professor is listening to this. Sorry,
I lied on the whole thing because I was scared
to be honest about the paper, because it did the
purpose of the assignment was to help you understand what
it's like to like not be always in your own space.
And it was in a diversity class that we got
the assignment. But I don't I wish I could find
the paper. But I lied because what I really wanted
(17:05):
to say is this was terrifying, completely terrifying. And we
left early. We had to leave. I went with some
friends and we drove into the parking lot and as
soon as we drove into the parking lot, we felt
a wave of like earinus on us, and like we
sat there and like one of the guys that I
was with was like, can I pray for us before
we go in? Because I didn't know what we were doing.
(17:27):
And then yeah, we had to leave early because I
started having like an anxiety attack basically. So the Leah
Remany documentary is Leah Remany Scientology and the Aftermath. Is
it on Netflix? Yes, I think you can watch it
on Netflix, Hulu. It's an A and E show. Maybe
I don't know. I probably just google where to watch it,
which reminds me I had started it, but I haven't
(17:48):
gone back to it, and I know there's still episodes
that I have missed out on. So I know she
went through a lot. But the beauty and her having
the platform that she does to be able to make
documentary is helping so many people and I can't even imagine.
But yeah, Lamany Scientology and the Aftermath. And then Cat
(18:09):
highly recommends cult is highly recommend it. It's so good.
What was it you were saying that they mentioned in
the book, This is when we were on a walk
the other day. You're saying something about Soul Cycle, because
she talks about different kinds of cult. So she talks
about like the stereotypical cult you think about when you
hear the word cult, and then she talks about the
book is about the language of cults and how people
(18:29):
use language to create these like cult like phenomenons in
our society. And the book has broken up in different kinds,
and part of the book is just talking about the
cult of working out, and she talks about soul Cycle
and CrossFit and the class some of them I weren't
super I wasn't super familiar with. I was Beakram Yoga.
(18:51):
Oh she talks a lot about that. Oh yeah, I
mean and hit like. I was so obsessed with Bakram
and then you know, now he's there's a whole documentary
on him and his disgusting behavior that so many people
had no idea was going on, which is wild to
even think he was able to get away with what
(19:11):
he got away with for so long. And I think
that documentary is called Bakram, that's his name, Bakram, Yogi, Guru, Predator,
the same of the documentary because he was he was
a yogi, was a guru. But fy I he was
also a predator, but I was all in. Like I
went multiple sometimes even multiple times a day. I would
(19:32):
go to other forms of yoga and felt like this
is just not the same because Bakram is the only way.
Like I was so sucked into that, Like I bought
into it all because they prompt, the way they speak
and the things they say make you feel like that
place or that thing or that person is another thing
that changes your life of you what you always wanted.
If I wasn't doing the twenty six poses, that the
(19:54):
sequence that Beakram designed, and I wasn't doing the best
yoga for myself. Yeah, when when you talk about like
the cultishness of exercise and working out, it is really
scary to me because it becomes this like almost like fanaticism,
if that's even a word of Like we become fanatics
of a certain kind of exercise and it's the only
(20:15):
way to get good movement, and or we start worshiping
fitness instructors. It's like, what, so we're going We're going
to the fitness instructor and not for the actual workout. Yeah,
it's weird, And that's just another I mean we mentioned
at the beginning is need a week. Working out is
something that can be really amazing but also really harmful
(20:37):
depending on your motivation behind why you're doing it. So
that's another reason to maybe take this week to assess, like,
what are some of your behaviors and are they excessive
or I mean, I mean I would think like if
I didn't get to a beak room class, but it
was all associated around because like there you were sweating,
like it was a hundred and five and four fifty
(21:00):
humidity or something crazy like that, and if I didn't
leave their like it got to where, yes, like mixed
in with my eating disorder, it was part of my
Also that was a workout that became something that if
I didn't get it, it ruined my day, and like
we shouldn't ever be so attached to something that it
ruins our day. Does working out help me mentally feel
(21:22):
better and make my day awesome? Absolutely, But if I
don't get my workout in now, I'm going to be okay.
But it is what it is like working out is
working out, It's not this thing is going to save
me and change my life and give me the life
I've always wanted, And this is the only way to
do it. It's just like, oh, I do different kinds
of movement based on how I'm feeling that day, and
(21:42):
it's just that it helps, but it's not going to
change my life. So cold Tish would reference how some
like brands have built these followings. Yes, the book was
so eye opening to me. I finisially because I teach
at a fitness studio and I'm like, am I developing
a cold? I finished year on a mission and I
went back to limit lists, which is something that I'm
(22:04):
listening to, which is about high functioning like brain, like
limiting your thinking and like working on your brain. And
he just did a whole section on brain foods. And
it's interesting to hear that section in recovery because in
the throws of my eating disorder, I would have used
that as an excuse to just eat a very limited
amount of foods. And now I'm like, oh, well, this
(22:26):
is exciting. I need to make sure that I consume
some wild salmon or some blueberries, or maybe I'll buy
a bag of walnuts or make sure I get some
alvocados mixed in. It's not like, Okay, now I can
only eat this list of foods. It would have been
in my eating disorder, I would have gotten that short
list of brain foods and then try to only eat
those for weeks and restricted to just that, which then
(22:50):
limits me from other joy And in eating disorder awareness,
I'm just like, I'm aware of little things, not just
because of this week, but I think I want to
share it right now because it is need a week
and it is interesting to be on the other side
and being recovery and here a list and actually be
excited about buying blueberries and eating wild salmon, because yeah,
my brain does want nourishment that way. But also I'm
(23:14):
not going to use it as a disguise to my
eating disorder and have a reason in an excuse. But
so far I've enjoyed that book. I've been working my
way through it while I've got other books going on.
But now I'm going to add Coltish to my list.
I really want you to listen to it or read it,
because I think that we would have some very interesting
walks after you read it. Okay, good, I like interesting walks. Which,
(23:37):
speaking of walking, I'll just throw this out there that
I might be doing a bonus episode coming up soon
for while you're walking. If you want to take walks.
You actually could listen to it while you're lying down.
I don't care, but I'm trying to walk more because
I want to be outside. I want to be on walk.
Some of my walks are going to be with nothing,
(23:58):
but some of minor with podcasts are listening to a
book or walking with a friend or with my kids
or whatever. But this might be your one episode a
week where maybe your walk is thirty minutes and the
episodes only ten or twenty minutes. But it's like something
to get you maybe walking if you want to walk.
But again, if you don't want to walk, I don't care,
like don't walk. But it's going to be called the
(24:20):
walk thing, and I'm thinking to kick things off. I
would like to hear from you listeners if you would
like to do like an interview during the walk thing,
Like I'll let you lead like a Q and A
with me. Sometimes you'll send in questions or things you
would like addressed, and I'll let you do it. We've
(24:40):
done that before in the Fifth Thing, Cat. This was
before you were like a permanent co host. But I
dialed in with a listener and they asked me questions
and it was fun interaction like I want that connection.
I want that community with y'all. And when you, as
listeners are listening to me with another listener while you're
on your walk, it's like we're all walking together. So
it's gonna be the walk Thing and we'll kick it
(25:02):
off soon. So I'll just say, email me four Things
with Amy Brown at gmail dot com if you would
like to be a part of the walk thing, and
we'll see what ends up happening. We'll start off with
like a four part series, so we'll do it for
four weeks and see what happens and if we continue
the walk thing, and that'll be something fun. Love it,
(25:23):
love it. Thank you Cat for joining. As always, y'all
can follow Cat on Instagram. She's at cat dot defata
k A T dot d E f A T t
A and I'm Radio Amy if you want to find
me there, and then also Radio Amy dot com will
take you to all kinds of things. My Amazon Favorites
page links to espoa or pimp enjoy the shot forward
(25:44):
four Things, like if you've ever seen like a four
Things toad or a four Things zipper pouch, the customized
ones are back. So I just wanted to let y'all
know that's not always an option. But if you want
to customize four things on a little teeny tiny zipper pouch,
it's not teeny tiny, it actually holds a lot. That
option is now available for a limited time, So radioma
dot com for things dot com. There's lots of ways
to get there, all right, talk to you later, Bye bye,
Happy Tuesday. Amy here, and I've got my fifth in
co host, Cat, which is a licensed therapist. And things
we talked about aren't always therapy ish therapy. Sometimes sometimes
they are and that is okay. And our conversations, yeah,
like Cat has to say on her UNIQ therapy podcast
(00:25):
or not a replacement for therapy, but hopefully after we
talk about something like you'll feel less alone and whatever
it is that you're facing. Our quote for today, I
actually saw Paula Faris put up and I think she
had done something with Hoda cob and it was a
quote from Hoda. It's a picture of Hodo with her
two kids and it's said she said, my mom worked
and she never appeared to feel guilty at all. She
(00:48):
just had to go to work and when she came home,
she loved being home. I don't have a lot of
working mom guilt because when you're a product of it,
and your mom doesn't spend her whole life a paul
jizing for it, there is no need for you to either.
And I think that is a great quote that applies
to working moms out there that might feel mom guilt.
(01:10):
But Cat, I know I shared this quote with you
earlier you thought it could be very fitting into even
how we can be as moms with our kids around
food and body image. So I want you to share
that with us, especially since it's need A week, which
is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, which this episode won't
(01:30):
focus on that, but I co host an Outweigh podcast
every Saturday that is well about all of that, and
we have a lot of episodes up, so if you're
ever looking for comfort in that area and you want
to hear from everyday people that have had eating disorders,
you want to hear from experts, there are so many
episodes up that I hope will bring you so much
(01:53):
help during the season. And my real hope is that
through this awareness, or maybe through listening to something or
maybe seeing something this week because there is more out there,
that you'll have the resources to get some help if
that's what you need. So back to the hode of quote,
how would you tie that into you know, kind of
what moms can end up doing with their kids around
(02:14):
body and food. Well, when I just loved that when
I read it, but then the first thing I thought
is like, oh my gosh, it's gonna apply to so
many things, Like if I grow up with a mom
who celebrates her body and eats all different kinds of
foods and has a kind relationship with exercise, then I'm
going to be more apt to take that on. Versus
(02:35):
if I have a mom who's constantly picking herself apart
in the mirror, or I see her change into fifteen
different outfits area to every time we're getting ready to
go somewhere, or she talks about how she feels so
guilty for eating different things, and I'm also going to
take that on. And my head automatically goes to this
because this is just what I'm like working with every
single day in my job. But this can be applied
(02:56):
to any of the behaviors that were normalizing out there.
Is kids look, and kids pick up, and kids see yes,
and they even when you think they're not listening, they're listening.
And so whether you're a mom now or a dad,
because we do have men that listen, shout out, or
(03:17):
you know you might be one day, or you're around
nieces and nephews or other kids, just being more aware
of how you're acting about certain things and what you're
saying so that way you're not well. Essentially like rubbing
off on them and you know, creating thoughts in their
little brains that they never otherwise would have had until
(03:38):
they heard you say that. And so yeah, I like
the part where she just said there is no need
for you to either, because her mom never apologized for it,
so she doesn't need to. And so I think as
women too sometimes Again, I know I just said men
are listening. Now I'm going to go speak to the
women as we say sorry a lot, And why is
that we apologize for so much all the time and
(03:59):
you don't see men walking around like I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. Yeah, I feel like even I've been seeing
so many things over the internet about like the way
that women write an email versus the way a man
writes it an email, and what it would look like
for a woman to write an email like a man.
I'm like, it should just all be the same. Oh,
but it's not. Morgan Too from The Bobby Bones Show.
(04:21):
We do a special episode on The Bobby Bones Show
podcast every I think it goes up on Fridays or Saturdays,
where it's a behind the scenes look at some of
the best bits from the week and she breaks them
down and she tries to have a guest from the
show each week, and so I was her guest this
last week. And this actually came up in our conversation
about how I guess through her therapist, maybe she realized
(04:43):
how she would write emails and kind of use the
word just like, Hey, I was just checking in to
do this. I'm checking right, like what what's the problem
and just checking. I'm trying not to bother you. I
just want to, like, you know, squeeze in here really quick.
And so she's that she has had to work really
really hard to not type the word just in an email.
(05:07):
Work emails is specifically what I'm talking about, because she
might need something from someone and it's like, hey, just
vent and why can't it be like, hey, do you
have that thing you were working on? I never thought
about just being a word that was also kind of
like but sorry for emailing. That's like the difference between
like a strong independent woman who's like a boss is
(05:30):
looked at one way with a certain word that I'm
not going to say, but a strong independent man who's
a boss is looked at as just a strong independent
man whose boss. There is something I want to share
this and this is not from me. A client taught
me this cat. I want to take credit for it,
but I just cancel. But I had a client who
would apologize all the time, all of the time, and
(05:53):
even um with me if if they were late, sorry
I'm late, like sorry, I'm not doing this right, sorry, sorry, sorry.
And so one day she came in and she was late,
and she goes, thank you for being patient, and I
was like, you're welcome. She's like, that's my new thing.
Instead of saying sorry, I'm saying thank you for waiting
for me, thank you for being patient, because I have
nothing to apologize, because because I didn't do anything wrong,
(06:16):
and because sorry should be reserved for the times where
we've really I'm so sorry that I yeah. But even
I have caught myself because sometimes I can get behind
and responding to emails and versus saying like I'm so
sorry for the lack of immediate response, I say thank
you for being patient with my response, and it is
made me feel so powerful. I love that I find
(06:38):
myself doing that with text messages if I'm not replying
in a twenty four hour period. I wasn't ever excellent
at texts, but now I've gotten worse I don't know.
I'm just trying out to be on my phone unread text.
Do you have right now? Let me see? Let me
go check that out. I have, well, sixty six, I
have thirty seven. I mean it's not bad sixty six.
(07:00):
I've been in the hundreds. But are they group text?
Because that's some of them honestly are ads from Revolve,
so that doesn't count. I love Bander and Revolves. You
want them, I like them, I appreciate them. I'm like, oh,
ban Deer, thank you for being patient. Let me see
what you have. Oh there's a sale. I missed the sale,
(07:25):
but thank you for being patient. Does this code still work?
Because I would love to save so But some of
them are yes, a lot of group text. That's where
I get behind because I am trying to at least respond,
but I do find myself deleting, like typing out sorry
for just now replying, and I'm like, who cares? Like
(07:45):
I first of all, don't need to apologize. Second of all,
I don't want them to think I'm just being cliche
and saying sorry, sorry for just now repplying. But I
still do it. I'm not perfect, don't get me wrong.
And sometimes if I genuinely do feel bad because maybe
I did it and then I messed up, But still
that doesn't make me a bad person because phones have
just made us so available all the time. But they're
(08:09):
also really cool because I'm going to share something. Um
last Thursday's Four Things episode, I had lunch box on
from the Bobby Bone Show and we somehow got into
a conversation, I think towards the end because he mentors
it a place called kid Power and the only reason
why he started working with them was because they came
into the Bobby Bone Show talk about what they were
doing in Nashville and they were having a fun run,
(08:30):
and so he went to the fun run and he
won the race, but it was four kids, all kids,
so he's an adult that one. And anyway, he just
decided to keep helping them out because he was like, Okay,
these kids they could use me. I'm gonna help kind
of like a big brother type situation. And I was like,
you know, I was a mentor when I lived in
North Carolina to this kid, trevyon and I said, but
(08:52):
I have no idea where he is now. One of
our listeners found Trevion on Facebook for me and sent
lunch Box the link, and the lunch box came and
gave it to me, and I messaged him, it's been
so long since I did a messenger on Facebook that
you have to download a completely different app to message
on Facebook. Did you know that if you're on your phone? Yes,
(09:13):
but that's been that way for like a really long time. Okay,
So you have Facebook messaged to Amy in the last
how many years? She didn't get it? Okay years. So,
because I was so excited to talk with him, I
download the messenger app, which is like white with purple
and pink, and then boom, there's all these messages. And
(09:36):
so we have been messaging back and forth and I
just hit him up and was like hey, and he
replied back. I sent him a message like nervously, saying hey,
and because I didn't know what do you what? Do
you know who I was? And he goes, oh, my goodness, Hey,
And then I replied that hey, didn't know if you
(09:56):
would remember me. All you said was hey. When I replied, now,
I said hey, I didn't know if the original message yes,
I didn't know what to say, So then I said,
didn't know if you would remember me? I said, I
thought about you the other day and then set out
to find you, which shout out to our amazing listeners
because they found him. And I said, how are you?
(10:17):
And he replied and this like I did tear up.
I wasn't full blown crying, but I teared up, and
he said, what I could never forget you. I tell
people about the impact you made all the time. I
think the last time I spoke to you, I was
heading to the Cordon Blue in Florida. Which also, this
is me inserting here. It feels weird for me to
even read those words back. I'm not trying to be
(10:38):
like like I didn't know if you remember me, because
it's not like I was a term influence and I'm
not tooting my horn by any means. He was just
as special for me. When I lived in North Carolina
because my husband was deployed. I moved there knowing nobody.
Some people from my church were doing this mentorship thing
at a local middle school, so I signed up and
took this course. And then I've been towards this kid
(11:00):
in my neighborhood and we would hang out. Well, I
don't need to give his family history, but there was
some stuff there and he needed some extra support. I
do remember him going through a lot, and we would
eat food a lot because he loved food. He watched
the Food Network. He wanted to be a chef. And
the cool part is my neighbor in downtown Southern Pines
(11:20):
was the chef of the nicest restaurant down there called
Jeff Warren's, and so he would let us come eat
at the bar and watch him cook, and he would
even talk to trevi on about cooking and all these things.
And so I think it was those that were around
me that were impactful, more impactful than I ever would
have been. I just was able to provide experiences for
him that he wasn't going to have. But anyway, I
(11:43):
just had to decide note that because it feels weird
to be like, hey, we're not saying that you're impactful.
I think he's saying I know, but even reading it back,
like I don't want it to be like I'm coming
across as like look what I did person's life. Yeah, No,
(12:08):
so he said. I think the last thing we spoke,
I was heading to look Court on Blue in Florida,
which drastically changed my last year of school. I ended
up getting into a little bit of trouble which caused
me to completely have to change course. I still managed
to make it to the restaurant industry, and I've worked
with some amazing chefs. I've even been featured a little
bit on the news for a brey that I helped open.
(12:29):
I've mastered American, French and Asian cuisines. I've done a
lot of failing and some succeeding. I made a lot
of mistakes, but I'm doing great. And then he said,
is your dog still alive? And I was like, oh, no, Josie.
How long ago was that? Well, so Josie died in
two thousand eighteen, so I had her like ten eleven years.
(12:51):
I don't know if I got her an O seven
or eight. Anyway, it's all fuzzy, but I just said
that Josie died, So I told him and I made
me miss my dog Josie because she's the sweetest Rottweiler
ever in the world. And with Trevion one time, I
know I have a cat now named Maggie. But back
on during one of the days I was mentoring him,
we went to look at cats that were available to rescue,
(13:13):
and we rescued one because he thought this one cat
was like so cool, and I was like, let's get it,
let's get it. I'll take it home. Well, I took
it home. Josie did not like a cat. So I
am the person. See this is where y'all need to
not I'm not a good person. I had to return
a cat that I rescued. I returned it, but I
returned it with all the toys and all the food,
(13:35):
and I said, you can just pass this along to
the next family that gets the cat. But like, I
can't keep this cat because my dog is going to
eat it. I don't think you had. It's causing me stress,
and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration.
But I was young. And then Ben was like in
Afghanistan and he's like, you gotta what. I'm like, I
got a cat, but I don't have a cat anymore. Cat.
(13:56):
So anyway, we started corresponding back and forth, and I
invited him to come to Nashville, and he said he
would love to come visit. And so we're now texting
about hanging out and coming to Nashville. I was like,
the food scene here is good, so I'll take him
to some restaurants and that'll be so fun, and maybe
he can like cook one night for the kids. I'm like,
(14:17):
we'll trivi on which he was even a part. See
what I mean is he did more for me than
he realizes to like, because we were adopting domestically at
the time. This was before we decided to go international
and do from Haiti. We were getting a newborn baby
from America. But you have two specified do you want,
like what ethnicity or what you what races are you
(14:37):
open to, Like do you want Caucasian or you open
to any rate anything. We were open to anything. We
didn't know what would happen. We just wanted if a
baby was available, we were available. So part of our
adoption training was too if we were going to be
white parents of possible black children, Like, you can't just
keep your child around white people all the time, so
(14:59):
you also to go be a part of a community
where you see what that feels like. So Trevion went
to an all black church and you go, yeah, his
Grandma's saying in the choir, and we went and it
was so funny. We were the only white people there.
It was amazing. They were so welcoming. But it was
funny because at the beginning they're like, you know, happy Sunday,
so happy to see everybody here. Do we have any visitors?
(15:19):
And we were like, let me stand up, stand up,
I said, I think it's obvious, I think and he's like, no,
no, no no, stand up. So we stood up. But like
he gave me experiences as well, and so anyway, this
also is like a little p s a of like,
if you have an opportunity to be a mentor in
your community, whatever, that looks like, I don't know what
(15:40):
can make a difference, and then you know, ten years
later you might connect with the kid. Uh. You know
what that's making me think of is in school. I
had to in my graduate program. We had to immerse
ourselves in a in a some kind of culture, society
or place that wasn't your norm and you could literally
pick anything. Did I ever tell you the story? Do
(16:01):
you know where I went? I went to a scientology church.
You did not tell me this? Tell me more. Have
you watched the Lisa Writtna not Lisa I want to
watch that. I want to watch it because i've after
I listened to the book Cold Tish it. They talked
a lot about scientology, and I'm like, oh my gosh,
some of this stuff makes sense that I experienced, So
I want to watch that documentary. But I didn't get
(16:23):
the same experience that you got by going to church.
I was terrified. It was yeah, I went to the
one here. Oh wow, Okay. So and in that book
you're reading, it's called Cold Tish it is so good
you recommend it. Yes, obviously you're like, it's so good,
and I'm like, but yeah, it's so good. But the
we had to write a paper on like what we learned,
(16:44):
and so my UM professor is listening to this. Sorry,
I lied on the whole thing because I was scared
to be honest about the paper, because it did the
purpose of the assignment was to help you understand what
it's like to like not be always in your own space.
And it was in a diversity class that we got
the assignment. But I don't I wish I could find
the paper. But I lied because what I really wanted
(17:05):
to say is this was terrifying, completely terrifying. And we
left early. We had to leave. I went with some
friends and we drove into the parking lot and as
soon as we drove into the parking lot, we felt
a wave of like earinus on us, and like we
sat there and like one of the guys that I
was with was like, can I pray for us before
we go in? Because I didn't know what we were doing.
(17:27):
And then yeah, we had to leave early because I
started having like an anxiety attack basically. So the Leah
Remany documentary is Leah Remany Scientology and the Aftermath. Is
it on Netflix? Yes, I think you can watch it
on Netflix, Hulu. It's an A and E show. Maybe
I don't know. I probably just google where to watch it,
which reminds me I had started it, but I haven't
(17:48):
gone back to it, and I know there's still episodes
that I have missed out on. So I know she
went through a lot. But the beauty and her having
the platform that she does to be able to make
documentary is helping so many people and I can't even imagine.
But yeah, Lamany Scientology and the Aftermath. And then Cat
(18:09):
highly recommends cult is highly recommend it. It's so good.
What was it you were saying that they mentioned in
the book, This is when we were on a walk
the other day. You're saying something about Soul Cycle, because
she talks about different kinds of cult. So she talks
about like the stereotypical cult you think about when you
hear the word cult, and then she talks about the
book is about the language of cults and how people
(18:29):
use language to create these like cult like phenomenons in
our society. And the book has broken up in different kinds,
and part of the book is just talking about the
cult of working out, and she talks about soul Cycle
and CrossFit and the class some of them I weren't
super I wasn't super familiar with. I was Beakram Yoga.
(18:51):
Oh she talks a lot about that. Oh yeah, I
mean and hit like. I was so obsessed with Bakram
and then you know, now he's there's a whole documentary
on him and his disgusting behavior that so many people
had no idea was going on, which is wild to
even think he was able to get away with what
(19:11):
he got away with for so long. And I think
that documentary is called Bakram, that's his name, Bakram, Yogi, Guru, Predator,
the same of the documentary because he was he was
a yogi, was a guru. But fy I he was
also a predator, but I was all in. Like I
went multiple sometimes even multiple times a day. I would
(19:32):
go to other forms of yoga and felt like this
is just not the same because Bakram is the only way.
Like I was so sucked into that, Like I bought
into it all because they prompt, the way they speak
and the things they say make you feel like that
place or that thing or that person is another thing
that changes your life of you what you always wanted.
If I wasn't doing the twenty six poses, that the
(19:54):
sequence that Beakram designed, and I wasn't doing the best
yoga for myself. Yeah, when when you talk about like
the cultishness of exercise and working out, it is really
scary to me because it becomes this like almost like fanaticism,
if that's even a word of Like we become fanatics
of a certain kind of exercise and it's the only
(20:15):
way to get good movement, and or we start worshiping
fitness instructors. It's like, what, so we're going We're going
to the fitness instructor and not for the actual workout. Yeah,
it's weird, And that's just another I mean we mentioned
at the beginning is need a week. Working out is
something that can be really amazing but also really harmful
(20:37):
depending on your motivation behind why you're doing it. So
that's another reason to maybe take this week to assess, like,
what are some of your behaviors and are they excessive
or I mean, I mean I would think like if
I didn't get to a beak room class, but it
was all associated around because like there you were sweating,
like it was a hundred and five and four fifty
(21:00):
humidity or something crazy like that, and if I didn't
leave their like it got to where, yes, like mixed
in with my eating disorder, it was part of my
Also that was a workout that became something that if
I didn't get it, it ruined my day, and like
we shouldn't ever be so attached to something that it
ruins our day. Does working out help me mentally feel
(21:22):
better and make my day awesome? Absolutely, But if I
don't get my workout in now, I'm going to be okay.
But it is what it is like working out is
working out, It's not this thing is going to save
me and change my life and give me the life
I've always wanted, And this is the only way to
do it. It's just like, oh, I do different kinds
of movement based on how I'm feeling that day, and
(21:42):
it's just that it helps, but it's not going to
change my life. So cold Tish would reference how some
like brands have built these followings. Yes, the book was
so eye opening to me. I finisially because I teach
at a fitness studio and I'm like, am I developing
a cold? I finished year on a mission and I
went back to limit lists, which is something that I'm
(22:04):
listening to, which is about high functioning like brain, like
limiting your thinking and like working on your brain. And
he just did a whole section on brain foods. And
it's interesting to hear that section in recovery because in
the throws of my eating disorder, I would have used
that as an excuse to just eat a very limited
amount of foods. And now I'm like, oh, well, this
(22:26):
is exciting. I need to make sure that I consume
some wild salmon or some blueberries, or maybe I'll buy
a bag of walnuts or make sure I get some
alvocados mixed in. It's not like, Okay, now I can
only eat this list of foods. It would have been
in my eating disorder, I would have gotten that short
list of brain foods and then try to only eat
those for weeks and restricted to just that, which then
(22:50):
limits me from other joy And in eating disorder awareness,
I'm just like, I'm aware of little things, not just
because of this week, but I think I want to
share it right now because it is need a week
and it is interesting to be on the other side
and being recovery and here a list and actually be
excited about buying blueberries and eating wild salmon, because yeah,
my brain does want nourishment that way. But also I'm
(23:14):
not going to use it as a disguise to my
eating disorder and have a reason in an excuse. But
so far I've enjoyed that book. I've been working my
way through it while I've got other books going on.
But now I'm going to add Coltish to my list.
I really want you to listen to it or read it,
because I think that we would have some very interesting
walks after you read it. Okay, good, I like interesting walks. Which,
(23:37):
speaking of walking, I'll just throw this out there that
I might be doing a bonus episode coming up soon
for while you're walking. If you want to take walks.
You actually could listen to it while you're lying down.
I don't care, but I'm trying to walk more because
I want to be outside. I want to be on walk.
Some of my walks are going to be with nothing,
(23:58):
but some of minor with podcasts are listening to a
book or walking with a friend or with my kids
or whatever. But this might be your one episode a
week where maybe your walk is thirty minutes and the
episodes only ten or twenty minutes. But it's like something
to get you maybe walking if you want to walk.
But again, if you don't want to walk, I don't care,
like don't walk. But it's going to be called the
(24:20):
walk thing, and I'm thinking to kick things off. I
would like to hear from you listeners if you would
like to do like an interview during the walk thing,
Like I'll let you lead like a Q and A
with me. Sometimes you'll send in questions or things you
would like addressed, and I'll let you do it. We've
(24:40):
done that before in the Fifth Thing, Cat. This was
before you were like a permanent co host. But I
dialed in with a listener and they asked me questions
and it was fun interaction like I want that connection.
I want that community with y'all. And when you, as
listeners are listening to me with another listener while you're
on your walk, it's like we're all walking together. So
it's gonna be the walk Thing and we'll kick it
(25:02):
off soon. So I'll just say, email me four Things
with Amy Brown at gmail dot com if you would
like to be a part of the walk thing, and
we'll see what ends up happening. We'll start off with
like a four part series, so we'll do it for
four weeks and see what happens and if we continue
the walk thing, and that'll be something fun. Love it,
(25:23):
love it. Thank you Cat for joining. As always, y'all
can follow Cat on Instagram. She's at cat dot defata
k A T dot d E f A T t
A and I'm Radio Amy if you want to find
me there, and then also Radio Amy dot com will
take you to all kinds of things. My Amazon Favorites
page links to espoa or pimp enjoy the shot forward
(25:44):
four Things, like if you've ever seen like a four
Things toad or a four Things zipper pouch, the customized
ones are back. So I just wanted to let y'all
know that's not always an option. But if you want
to customize four things on a little teeny tiny zipper pouch,
it's not teeny tiny, it actually holds a lot. That
option is now available for a limited time, So radioma
dot com for things dot com. There's lots of ways
to get there, all right, talk to you later, Bye bye,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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