August 20, 2024 • 32 mins
Amy tells Kat her belief that she’s simply not a romantic person…but she wants to be. What does one do when they want to learn something? They google it, of course. Amy does just that and shares 8 Ways to Show Someone You Care (aka: How to be Romantic), Kat gives us an awesome mantra: “Healthy Relationships Have No Rush” (while discussing love bombing & other red flags) and they both open up on how they’ve shown up in their own relationships!
Question: Is it okay to keep love letters or other memorabilia from exes?
Today’s quote is a post that Amy saw on Ellie Louise McBride’s account about Things That Happen to Almost Everyone:
- Not knowing to say
- Misunderstanding a situation
- Doing something embarrassing
- Making mistakes
- Saying something that's not interesting
- Missing the point
- Feeling insecure
- Being awkward
- Having weird quirks
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Email: 4ThingsWithAmyBrown@gmail.com
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Defatta // @KatVanburen // @YouNeedTherapyPodcast // YouNeedTherapyPodcast.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to the Fifth Thing. I'm Amy and
I'm Kat, And today's quote is more of a post
that I saw about things that happened to almost everyone.
Eloise McBride posted it, and I'm just going to run
through the list, not knowing what to say that happens
to everyone. I find comfort in knowing that these things
(00:25):
happen to other people. Misunderstanding a situation, doing something embarrassing,
making mistakes, saying something that's not interesting, missing the point
that's me feeling insecure, being awkward, and having weird.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Quirks, quirks quirks say quirks.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Well, my weird quirk is that I can't say cork.
So these are things that happen to almost everyone. So
if one of these things has happened to you today
or it happened yesterday, just know that you it's universal alone,
it's universal. Cat and I continuing a conversation we were
just having off Mike. We were sitting here at my
(01:04):
house in the guest bedroom on the bed, just talking
about dating, relationships, life. I just finished recording a podcast
which is gonna be this Thursday's Four Things episode, and
we're talking about separation, divorce, co parenting, and dating after divorce.
The guy I'm talking to he has a podcast called
(01:26):
Halftime with John, and he helps men in the second
half of their life. He said, I'm speaking from Layman's experience,
but he has experts on his podcast and is just
very dedicated to coming alongside men and helping them tap
into their emotions, what they're feeling, getting healing so that
(01:47):
they don't repeat the pattern in the second half of
their life. So I'm like, yeah, I don't want to
repeat some of the stuff I went through in my
marriage and take that into my next relationship. Had asked
me something along the lines of like, what do you
want in your next relationship? And did I say the
word romantic?
Speaker 2 (02:06):
I asked, yeah, what do you want?
Speaker 3 (02:08):
What is one thing that you want in your next
relationship that you have to have before you will officially
be in it? And you said, I want them to
be romantic, And so I asked, well, what does that mean?
Because romantic to me might be different than romantic to you,
and I might not like your version of romantic and
you might not like mine. So for you, what is romance?
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I guess I just want to feel romance.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
I want to just feel it. What that mean.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
I don't know that feeling of I. You know, my
spark is living with me in They're twenty one, her
and her boyfriend, and I love that they were mailing
letters back and forth to each other, handwritten notes. So
maybe because I witnessed that all summer long, something about
me is craving something handwritten. I'm sure it'll be a
minute before I get that, but I don't really know.
(02:57):
I think I need to spend time with what I
want and what romance looks like for me. Ben would
bring me flowers all the time, and I didn't really
like flowers for some reason, but I know that I
was in love with Ben.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
What kind of flowers would he bring you?
Speaker 3 (03:12):
What you were?
Speaker 2 (03:12):
You like the bright colored, dyed ones.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I mean sometimes they would be just from the grocery store.
They would be pretty, or he would order flowers and.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
All different kinds.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Okay, expensive situation. I don't know what it was. I
just confessed to him one day, you don't have to
get me flowers anymore. And that was maybe a meat problem.
Maybe I was just in a weird place, and maybe
I would like flowers now because I've evolved and I'm different.
I don't know. I want someone to like take the reins,
(03:42):
make the plans, figure stuff out. Whoop me off my feet?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (03:47):
Okay, anybody out there, Okay. My question when you're talking
about that is did you not like the flowers or
was there something else you wanted if you got flowers
with a card.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
I don't know. I guess I was just tired of
taking care of flowers because they would just die. I thought,
this is pointless. I don't want the flowers anymore.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
He's bringing you flowers and it almost becomes like a
project for you, of like, now I have to take
care of these, have to put them in a vase,
I have to water.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Them, then I have to clean them up. Then I
have to throw them out.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
And you know, maybe we went through different cycles where
like say we had a fight of some sort of
kind of conflict and then the follow up would be
the flowers.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Oh you have a cycle of doing that.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Well, then that was an association, even if there was
no fight, but then there was flowers. It just seemed
like there was always a.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
Flowers are like I'm an apology and so when he
just brings them randomly there's that connotation to.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Yeah, there might be deeper work to be done around
the flowers. I've started to appreciate flowers and even I've
bought them for myself ever since my sister told me,
get white flowers green, keep them by the sink. Yes,
it's pretty and fun for a little bit, and then
they start to die.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
So I have a thought.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
So it sounds like you got flowers and you're like, oh,
these aren't really doing it for me, but like I
don't take these flowers and whatever, blah blah blah. If
you were to respond, rather than telling somebody what you
don't want, like, rather than saying I don't like flowers,
stop bringing me flowers.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Well, I didn't say that.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
Well I know, I know, okay, But like, I think
we do this a lot in situations of our lives.
We'll tell people what we don't want versus telling them
what we do. So if you were to say, like,
I would really love you too or would love for
you too, how would you complete that sentence I would
love for you to blank.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Good question, And I think I need to spend time
with it because here's what I think I did in
my marriage, and this is work I could have done
eighteen years ago. That would have been helpful, is to
figure out what is what links to me? What do
I like? So I built the story that I'm not romantic.
I remember talking about it on the Bobby Bone Show.
I just would say, I guess I'm just not that romantic,
(05:54):
like I'm not into that. And so then that became
my belief is that I'm not romantic. And I think
that Ben was trying to be romantic, but I had
some sort of block or something, which no wonder because
I'm sitting here saying I'm not romantic, and now I'm
ready to shed that.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
And you want somebody to soup you offer.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Gosh darn it, I'm romantic, but I just don't know
what that looks like yet.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Okay, Okay, should I.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Put that on my Hinge profile? I'm romantic, but.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
I don't know what that looks like, so don't ask me.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Yeah, I just haven't learned how to be romantic yet.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
You should put don't buy me flowers.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
I'm not even on it.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Actually, I will say, I'm a what was that?
Speaker 1 (06:40):
I think my profile might be up, but Hinge is
not on my phone. You deleted the app, but I
think my profile is still up there. I guess if
I redownloaded it, it would all of the matches were
missing out on Okay, well, if you want to be entertained,
you can reload it.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
I have a thing about dating profiles where I know
I was joking and said, don't put don't buy me flowers.
I think it really can be off putting when there's
negative even on a dating profile, like don't buy me
flowers or don't do this, or don't do that versus.
I like when I saw that a lot when I
was on them, and I hear a lot about it
with a lot of my clients are on dating apps,
(07:14):
and so if anybody heard that, don't put that on
your profile. Don't say don't do blank, because then you
automatically are giving this like negative.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Well, and you're happily married for the last six months
now and so far, so good. You know, you have
to voice in your relationship. So this is for dating apps, yes,
but also in a relationship, like you're saying it's better
to say what you do want instead of what you
don't want. So do you say to Patrick, don't do
this anymore, or do you say this is what I
(07:45):
need or this is what I want.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
I'm sure I do a little bit of both. He
would be better at answering this question. But what I
have tried to be really good at is when he
does something I like to highlight it, like I really
loved when you did this, or he doesn't buy me
flowers that often, but he bought me flowers this weekend randomly.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
And.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
What a loser? Gross? Did you tell him to go away?
But he bought me purple tulips?
Speaker 3 (08:15):
And I have to be honest, from my perspective, he's
never been the best at picking out flowers that I
would personally pick out, except when he bought me those
purple tulips.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Now, I'm not going to tell him, eh, those flowers
are ugly that you got me.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
But when he bought me the purple tulips, I said,
oh my gosh, I love these so much. And I
have probably mentioned it a couple times since then of
oh they look so good on the calendar.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Oh I love those flowers. So I think that I
tried to highlight when he does something I like, versus
highlight when he does something I hate. I'm sure I
do both. So if he's listening this which I know
he's not. He's probably like, you're a liar.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
But I have been really working on complimenting and validing
and affirming things.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
We were talking about how you put things on the
calendar and him planning dates versus you filling things up
because you have to have the next thing to look
forward to. And this is before we started recording. So
I want you to share a little bit about that
because I wonder if there's anybody in relationships like it
could even be a friendship, it could be a romantic
relationship or platonic of like one person's always the one
(09:19):
planning everything.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Well, this is something I learned that I put myself
in this position and then I almost like hurt my
own feelings.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
So we've talked about before on the show.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
I really like to look forward to things. I really
like to look forward to things. So during the weekend,
I'm looking at what we're doing the next weekend, or
the next weekend or the next month. I love having
(09:51):
things on my calendar. Part of that is not because
I'm afraid nobody else is going to plan. It's I
get excited about that stuff. And so I had to
tell myself and tell Patrick and I'm sure I do
this with friends as well, that I am not going
to do that. I'm gonna leave space because when I
do that, there's no space for Patrick to plan a date.
(10:12):
And when we started dating, I wasn't planning dates with him.
He was asking me out, and so then you start
getting comfortable, and then I start doing my normal thing,
and then I'm like, he never plans dates anymore. But
it's not because he doesn't care. It's because I am
controlling everything. That's my own control issue. And so I
actually left our anniversary I call it anniversary, but six
(10:35):
months that weekend empty and he ended up planning something
and surprising me with something. Well, he tried to surprise,
but his calendar sent it a notification to his car.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
And I saw it.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
That's funny, But I have.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
To work on that because that's like a skewed idea
that like, oh, he never plans anything. I don't give
him space to do that, and that could show up
in friendships, right like if I am like I'm always
the one asking her to hin out, Well, what if
you just get to it first? If you ask somebody
to hang out every single weekend in October and then
you're mad that they didn't ask you to hang out
because you already did it.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Yeah, well you're the one initiating it every single time.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Well, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your downfalls.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
There's more in your relationship. There are more, No.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
I think it is helpful to realize what role you're
playing in your relationship and how you might be craving something,
but you're actually the one creating the problem.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
Yeah, I'm not leaving space for him to give me
what I want. Which also going back to the romantic thing,
if you're like, I'm not romantic, you're creating a self
fulfilling prophecy because then you're not leaving space for somebody
to be romantic because they're thinking, oh, she won't like that.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Oh one hundred percent. I think that I created limited
romance based on my storyline. But I think that I
just didn't want to spend time figuring out what I
wanted for some reason, Yeah, or because I didn't know.
That scared me, and I thought, well, I guess if
you're romantic, you just know.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
I think also, if you don't like a certain version
of romance, you've like over emphasized Meay, but.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
We know now that, like you said, romance looks different
for everybody. What's romantic for me might not be for you.
But in my twenties, romance was what you saw in
the movies. Like, yeah, there was sort of one definition
of romance. But I don't know why I felt uncomfortable
with that, Like I guess, I don't know, maybe because
(12:31):
Ben was deployed a lot, Like he was in the military,
so he wasn't home a lot.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Did he write you letters when he was deployed emails?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
I went back and read some of our emails actually
from two thousand and six, two thousand and seven, and
also our first year of marriage, and we were so awkward.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Awkward what do you mean, like you didn't know how
to communicate.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
No, we're communicating videos. They were just it's weird to
go back and read that. And there are so many
emails because of the distance. Some people that are newly
married maybe don't have that type of communication in email
or even written anywhere, because you're living together, you're not
writing it down. He deployed a few weeks after we
got married. Actually, okay, so we got married and then
(13:14):
we flew to London and he was stationed at Milton Hall.
He lived in Cambridge, so then we like took the
drive went there. I went on base, I got my
military ID, I got all registered. We did a will
because we just got married and he's about to go
to Afghanistan. So this is romantic.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
So are you scared?
Speaker 1 (13:35):
This is why maybe I don't have romance. I was
a little bit nervous because it's a lot of business.
Like we didn't take our honeymoon until the summer. We
got married in December, so after we went and did
all the paperwork and I hung out with him for
a few days in Cambridge. In London, we went to
the airport and I got on an airplane and came back
(13:56):
to America, and he stayed there because he was deploying.
So I think like a week after that he left
for I Afghanistan, and then we were emailing as much
as we could.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
I wonder if there's a part of you that was like,
I can't get too attached. Almost like that, I don't
like romance almost creates some distance between y'all. Because that
sounds terrifying. You were in your twenties and that was
all happening. Yes, that sounds really scary.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Yeah, and tech I think it probably was. I don't know.
Maybe there's some some digging to do there, mostly because
I want to figure it out so I can figure
out what I really want in my next relationship and
what I want that to look like.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
You got to test some things out how well?
Speaker 1 (14:40):
I don't know, Like, can I just practice on you?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
And Patrick? I don't really know that I want you
to like receive romance from me.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
It's called acting, but I don't think that's going to
play out the way you want to you And I also.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Don't want you to be romantic with my husband.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
I just practice.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Also, Patrick's not the kind of romantic I think that
you are looking for. And he's not a words guy.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
He'll tell you that.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
Sometimes I look at him, I say what's your favorite
thing about me today? And he freezes up and then
it leads sometimes to a fight, not a real one,
but he's just not a words guy.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
So Kat's toxic is knowing what's gonna really make a
rust and lose it or lose it.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Yeah, I hurt my own feelings. I'm working on it.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
But he wrote a really sweet letter for our wedding,
and he has said some really kind things to me obviously,
and writes me cards for birthdays and stuff, but I
don't really need that personally. He does other things that
I think are romantic, but I've heard you mentioned like
letters a couple of times, so I don't know that
practicing romantic letters with Patrick would really work for many reasons.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
My college boyfriend wrote me a letter once to get
me back.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
It worked, really, He's a letter. Okay, do you have
that letter? No?
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Dang it, I wish did you burn it for? No?
But I think once I got married, I say, dang
it has nothing to do with him. It has everything
to do with this one particular box that I had
that had all of my ex boyfriend stuff. But once
I got engaged and I was set to be married.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
I was set to be married, I had to throw
it out.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
I threw the boxell, and you know, going through other
memories and things that I have, it's like, oh, it'd
be interesting just to have that box, sort of like
a yearbook.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
I wish I kept that stuff too, But why because
it's part of your life?
Speaker 1 (16:32):
Okay, I kept you're happily married.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Why I wouldn't sit there and go, oh, I miss
this person. But it's like part of your Like you
said a yearbook, I kept all of my notes from
middle school and part of high school in a box.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
But would you think it was weird if right now
you saw that passenger said box and it was his
college girlfriend that he thought he was going to marry
and he was wanting to keep it.
Speaker 3 (16:54):
Yep, I would think it was weird, and Okay, I
would be open to a conversation about that. I actually
have had a couch Talks question you need therapy about
that where somebody found that a box from their boyfriend
of their ex, and I think that's a complicated answer. Yes,
I would have feelings about it, and I also can
understand him wanting to keep that as part.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Of his life.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Something that I did come across that used to be
just like gold back in the day. During this last move,
I found a bunch of my CDs and mix one
of my college boyfriends would make really good mixed CDs
of love songs, any kind of song, like anything that
we would be liking or listening to. They wouldn't be
(17:34):
all love songs.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Now, Okay, here's an example of like things you would
be like.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
Okay, this might be romantic if somebody was making you playlists,
they're not gonna make you a CD anymore. You probably
don't have a CD player in your car, but a
Spotify playlist and send it to you. And these songs
reminded me of you.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Oh yeah, okay, I don't yeah, you're like or maybe not.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
I don't know. I'm trying to think about it, and
I think that I actually would like that. But doesn't
have to be romantic songs to clarify, like it could
be in case you're listening right now now, my future boyfriend,
you can just make it any songs that you like
that you want me to know or you think I
should know, or that maybe are attached to a memory
with us, like something we danced to, something we heard
(18:15):
when we went somewhere, a concert, we went to, stuff
like that. But do people do that? I'm sure at
forty three, yes, see, I just don't even know what
it's like out there now. I need to figure out
what I want romantically, which again i'm single in doing this,
but I do think people in relationships could do this too.
Like you and Patrick have figured out you'll love doing
(18:36):
art together. Now, I think he might be more into
art than you are.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
I think he is.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
He kept saying, I can't wait to get home and
finish my flower.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
That sounds like it could be coad.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Yeah, it's for something, sadly, he was talking about his painting.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
It's Patrick able to open up when he's doing the art,
and like does he talk about things Like for my kids,
if I want them to open up about something, I
have them work on another project, like put some sort
of puzzle together, or draw or doodle or do something,
and then they're a little distracted and they're more likely
to open up. Is Patrick a communicative artist where he
opens up and shares more of himself with you or
(19:18):
is he focused?
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Artists focused and silent. The only thing he'll say is like,
oh I messed that up. I want it a little
too dark on the pedal. That's all I'm getting.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
So it's not one of those things where you get
a lot out of him. Do you ever have clients
do that? Do they do something else while they're sitting
there so they're able to open up more.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
I do a lot of art at work.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
And also that's why we have so many different like
fidget toys and things like that, because having something to
do with your hands just allows you to focus on
something else and they might be looking at that, But
then they can talk to.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Me all right.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Masterclass dot com has an article how to be romantic.
Eight ways to show someone that you care. Number one,
be thoughtful. Doing small things for your loved one, like
making a playlist of songs that make you think of
them or planning a cozy marathon of romantic movies will
build your love relationship over time with your partner. The
(20:24):
second thing they listed express yourself saying I love you
and sharing romantic thoughts with your partner openly by giving
them compliments or affirming how much they mean to you.
This can significantly impact a relationship. Words of affirmation may
come naturally early on in your love affair, but it's
important to continue to share your thoughts across the course
(20:44):
of your relationship. Consider sending your partner love notes just
because they mean a lot to you. Tex Patrick something
right now, See what he says, Beck, We do.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
That all day long? You do?
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Do you send little cute romantic notes all day long?
Speaker 3 (20:57):
We just tell each other like fifteen times a day
that we love each other.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Really. Yeah, I thought it would like wear off, but
it hasn't so far.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
That's so good.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
But I was gonna ask were you an expressive person
in your marriage like that?
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Not really, probably could be better at that. Okay, I'll
work on it in the second half of my life.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Give gifts is the third thing. In addition to giving
your significant other gifts on holidays and birthdays, it's important
to show them your appreciation regularly. Send your partner a
gift on occasion, just because you love them. Number four.
Know your partner's love language. Every person has their own
unique set of preferences for giving and receiving love in
a romantic relationship. Early on in your relationship, ask your
(21:39):
partner what types of gestures they like. Is it gifts,
acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, or physical
touch make them feel valued. For example, if your partner's
love language is physical touch, it says make sure you
hold their hand, give them hugs, and cuddle with them often.
Number five listen. Attentive Couples stuck in their typical routine
(22:03):
may forget the importance of listening attentively to their partner
and not tuning out when they speak. Show attentiveness by
giving your significant other your full attention and making eye
contact when they talk. That is a hard one, not
romantic in the mix. And you've been married for fifteen
years and you've got a multitask.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Six, make time for your partner rather than waiting for
a special occasion to plan an outing, schedule date nights
to keep up with quality time. Do y'all have a
scheduled date night?
Speaker 3 (22:33):
No? No, But we don't have kids and we don't
have like a busy schedule right now, so we probably
are going to need that in the future.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Brainstorm romantic ideas that you know they'll enjoy. That helps
with making time for them. At seven, show physical affection.
Hold hands, cuddle while watching a movie, and kiss your
partner on the cheek to physically demonstrate your romantic feelings
for them. Cheek Does that do that?
Speaker 2 (22:57):
A cheek is like a sweet It's yeah, you're right.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
I like a forehead or like the top of my head.
That's more romantic sometimes than like a kiss.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
On my lips.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Surprise them. If your partner likes surprises, think of a
romantic surprise you could arrange, recreate your first date, plan
a party, send them a love letter at work, or
schedule a relaxing getaway, all of which can make your
partner feel special and loved. We don't want to recreate
your first date.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
My first date was good?
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Was it the second date? Second date? We don't want
to recreate all Hey you big p Well I ended
up getting married, which I think that is Wait.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Second date wasn't bad. It was bad. I was not
thinking we were going to keep dating app.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
You definitely weren't going to date him after that. He
didn't do anything. You just kind of thought, I don't
know that he's the one.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Yeah, our first date was good.
Speaker 3 (23:53):
I also didn't really think anything special about our first date.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
If you never text me again, I probably would have
been fine.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
So that feels about to say now, huh, Yes.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
It's weird, And it's also weird some of the things
that I said after like our first couple of dates.
I was like, Oh, he's not going to I've said
that he's not gonna be my husband.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
I'll go out with him again.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
But like to anyone listening, feel encouraged that you never know.
Sometimes you're just dead wrong about something, and that happens
to almost everyone.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
I almost think that I would never have been able
to understand how romantic he could be, because he's not
the kind of guy that's going to be over the
top when you meet them, because it's inauthentic.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
He's not a love bomber kind of.
Speaker 3 (24:33):
Person, and so to see him be able to do
all those romantic things, I had to give it time
and then see if I liked it from him. So
that makes sense, like it wasn't happening in the beginning,
because I mean, he was planning dates and stuff, but
a lot of those things he wasn't doing because it
would have been like kind of weird for him to
do those things that early.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Well, now I have a question about love bombing, and
I don't know that there's a blanket answer for it,
but love bombing is just so associated with narcissism now,
and I don't know if they always go hand in hand,
or if every narcissist does love bombing right, or if
every love bomb equals I.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Don't think every love bomb equals narcissism, because sometimes it's
just too intense, and somebody can be more into finding
a partner than actually into you, and so things get
really intense really fast, and the intention behind the love
bombing might be different from somebody like that, and somebody
who's a narcissist. But I think sometimes they're just people
(25:32):
who want to love people no matter who they are,
and they just want to be in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
So how do you get that time time.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
I can't say this blanketly, like there's nuance to this,
and that's why it's so hard to talk about. But
if you're getting a lot of that really intense, very romantic,
very over the top, very extreme experiences in the beginning
of a relationship, you have to give it time to
see if that is consistent, if that is actually going
to pan out, if that's who they are, or they're
(26:00):
more into a relationship than you.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
I just googled really quickly, like how do I know
if I'm being loved bombed? And it says if someone
says I love you a little too soon and frequently
gives strong, seemingly unwarranted compliments or makes intense claims about
the connection, love bombing may be at play. But Amanda
and I were talking on last Thursday's Four Things episode.
There was this dating expert that said that you should
(26:26):
know within the first twelve weeks of dating if it's
the person for you, and like that's when the L
word could get said. So I'm like, wait, twelve weeks,
maybe too soon. And again, it can't be a blanket statement.
I don't even know why he was so sure.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Who said that? I can't remember Matthew huse.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
No, I don't think his name is like Ryan or something.
I don't know I said it in the episode. But
I love you can be said for some people on
the first date, or it can first date.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
If you've just met him, that's red flag. But if
you know them for a while, well and you finally
decided to go on this date, I think that intensity
can be different.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
But I think that.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Well, I was just giving the ida of like it
can be early on, or it could be some people.
It takes some two years to say I love you,
so it can look different for everybody. But gosh, it's
got to be hard to tell. I just mean love
bombing in general is so closely associated with narcissism now
that I feel like a lot of people if they're
being love bombed or there is that red flag and
(27:26):
they might write that person off because they're like, oh,
I don't but if you're to be a narcissist, situation
I also.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
Think it can be associated with love addiction and codependency too,
So I wouldn't write somebody off.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
I would just be aware.
Speaker 3 (27:40):
Let's love addiction, the addiction to relationship and having a
person it's like codependency on steroids with their romantic partner.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
I don't have that.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
I don't think you have. I want to give you
a little dose of it.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
Shoot, So that can be part of it, because and
that's what I mean around they're just so obsessed with
the idea of a partner that they fall in love
really easily, and it sometimes isn't healthy. I say all
the time. Healthy relationships have no rush. So there's no
rush in a healthy relationship. That means I don't need
(28:16):
to do all of the stuff that I would do
in a relationship eventually in the first three months, and
I don't have.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
To hurry up and put a label on it in
the first two weeks.
Speaker 3 (28:27):
I don't have like healthy relationships are allowed to take
time because I'm not going to die and suffocate if
this doesn't work out, and I might not know yet.
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Time is what creates more intimacy.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
Healthy relationships have no rush. Yeah, put that on a sweatshirt.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
I don't know that anybody's gonna buy that one.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
Healthy relationships have no rush.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
I bet I would make more money from a sweatshirt
that said love bombed.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I mean, maybe you should look into that too.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
I'll put them both up and see what one's.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
And then I'll keep little red flag on the sleeve.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Wait, that's a good idea.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
Love. I mean, either way, if the love bombings from yeah,
the love addiction or codependency or narcissism or just yeah,
it's still a red flag. And time you said, it
just takes time and you'll figure out that what it is,
because it might be a red flag that could be
worked through.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
There's no way to know consistency in a person without time,
Like we don't know who a person is without time,
because we're just looking at a version of somebody.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
That's the truth. So that's why I figured out with you.
What do you mean I'm joking?
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Time?
Speaker 1 (29:37):
No, I think over time, I've you learned a lot
about what I've learned about you over time and things
you have taught me about friendship, and I'm grateful for it.
I'm glad we took the time to get to know
each other.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
It sounds like, you're just like highlighting time and then
we took that time. It was like word and you're
trying to as many sentences as you can.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
I am a time from WebMD. Love Bombing is an
emotional manipulation technique that involves giving someone excessive compliments attention. Gosh,
see I would like that, you like.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
It sounds so romantic. This is the romance that I
want because that's.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
A compliments, but then it says or affection to eventually
control them, So it is doing it in an effort
to be able to manipulate.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
I think that idea sounds nice, but if the wrong
person was doing that to you, you would get an ick.
Excessive compliments from somebody that you're not into is like,
oh my gosh, they're so annoying.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
Oh yeah, like you can have major stalker vibes and
it's so creepy and restraining order worthy. Well, one person's
doing it and someone that you liked be doing the
exact things things and you're like, isn't he so sweet? Right? Yeah,
(30:59):
just just of pens, So be careful out there.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Yeah, take your time.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
We're all just looking to get swept off our feet.
But do you feel like you and Patrick at six
months in like sometimes when you get home from work
and you see that he's there already, or like, are
you excited to go in?
Speaker 3 (31:17):
And yes, we've only been together for two and a
half years, so I think it's hard to I'm not
an expert.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
I can't be an expert on marriage, that's for sure, But.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
Like, I don't really know what this is going to
be like in ten years, but I still want to
do everything with him, like I would invite him to record.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
With us, like I would too, Like we really are
obsessed with.
Speaker 3 (31:37):
Each other still hopefully doesn't wear off, and also that
you don't have to be obsessed with your partner the
way we are for it to be a good relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Yeah, healthy, but.
Speaker 3 (31:46):
Like I wish he worked from home so that he
was there more then sick of each other, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
I mean, you're smiling right now. I wish people could
see your face. It's like ear to ear. I'm like,
you're like this giddy school girl.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Like every time you call me, he's right next to me.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
I know that's true so much so that now I
don't even know for sure that he's next to you.
But I'm like hive.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Patrick. I've been better about it though. And on Saturday
he wasn't there.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
That's because he was golfing.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Yeah, yeah, he wasn't. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Okay, Well, Kat, where can people find you when you're
not next to Patrick on Instagram?
Speaker 2 (32:22):
At Kat van Buren and at Uni Therapy podcast.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
And I am at Radio Amy And what is that
we're putting on a shirt?
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Healthy relationships have no rush.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
And that's friendships too, that's any relationship. All right, gotta go,
bye bye
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to the Fifth Thing. I'm Amy and
I'm Kat, And today's quote is more of a post
that I saw about things that happened to almost everyone.
Eloise McBride posted it, and I'm just going to run
through the list, not knowing what to say that happens
to everyone. I find comfort in knowing that these things
(00:25):
happen to other people. Misunderstanding a situation, doing something embarrassing,
making mistakes, saying something that's not interesting, missing the point
that's me feeling insecure, being awkward, and having weird.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Quirks, quirks quirks say quirks.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Well, my weird quirk is that I can't say cork.
So these are things that happen to almost everyone. So
if one of these things has happened to you today
or it happened yesterday, just know that you it's universal alone,
it's universal. Cat and I continuing a conversation we were
just having off Mike. We were sitting here at my
(01:04):
house in the guest bedroom on the bed, just talking
about dating, relationships, life. I just finished recording a podcast
which is gonna be this Thursday's Four Things episode, and
we're talking about separation, divorce, co parenting, and dating after divorce.
The guy I'm talking to he has a podcast called
(01:26):
Halftime with John, and he helps men in the second
half of their life. He said, I'm speaking from Layman's experience,
but he has experts on his podcast and is just
very dedicated to coming alongside men and helping them tap
into their emotions, what they're feeling, getting healing so that
(01:47):
they don't repeat the pattern in the second half of
their life. So I'm like, yeah, I don't want to
repeat some of the stuff I went through in my
marriage and take that into my next relationship. Had asked
me something along the lines of like, what do you
want in your next relationship? And did I say the
word romantic?
Speaker 2 (02:06):
I asked, yeah, what do you want?
Speaker 3 (02:08):
What is one thing that you want in your next
relationship that you have to have before you will officially
be in it? And you said, I want them to
be romantic, And so I asked, well, what does that mean?
Because romantic to me might be different than romantic to you,
and I might not like your version of romantic and
you might not like mine. So for you, what is romance?
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I guess I just want to feel romance.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
I want to just feel it. What that mean.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
I don't know that feeling of I. You know, my
spark is living with me in They're twenty one, her
and her boyfriend, and I love that they were mailing
letters back and forth to each other, handwritten notes. So
maybe because I witnessed that all summer long, something about
me is craving something handwritten. I'm sure it'll be a
minute before I get that, but I don't really know.
(02:57):
I think I need to spend time with what I
want and what romance looks like for me. Ben would
bring me flowers all the time, and I didn't really
like flowers for some reason, but I know that I
was in love with Ben.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
What kind of flowers would he bring you?
Speaker 3 (03:12):
What you were?
Speaker 2 (03:12):
You like the bright colored, dyed ones.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I mean sometimes they would be just from the grocery store.
They would be pretty, or he would order flowers and.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
All different kinds.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Okay, expensive situation. I don't know what it was. I
just confessed to him one day, you don't have to
get me flowers anymore. And that was maybe a meat problem.
Maybe I was just in a weird place, and maybe
I would like flowers now because I've evolved and I'm different.
I don't know. I want someone to like take the reins,
(03:42):
make the plans, figure stuff out. Whoop me off my feet?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (03:47):
Okay, anybody out there, Okay. My question when you're talking
about that is did you not like the flowers or
was there something else you wanted if you got flowers
with a card.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
I don't know. I guess I was just tired of
taking care of flowers because they would just die. I thought,
this is pointless. I don't want the flowers anymore.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
He's bringing you flowers and it almost becomes like a
project for you, of like, now I have to take
care of these, have to put them in a vase,
I have to water.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Them, then I have to clean them up. Then I
have to throw them out.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
And you know, maybe we went through different cycles where
like say we had a fight of some sort of
kind of conflict and then the follow up would be
the flowers.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Oh you have a cycle of doing that.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Well, then that was an association, even if there was
no fight, but then there was flowers. It just seemed
like there was always a.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
Flowers are like I'm an apology and so when he
just brings them randomly there's that connotation to.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
Yeah, there might be deeper work to be done around
the flowers. I've started to appreciate flowers and even I've
bought them for myself ever since my sister told me,
get white flowers green, keep them by the sink. Yes,
it's pretty and fun for a little bit, and then
they start to die.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
So I have a thought.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
So it sounds like you got flowers and you're like, oh,
these aren't really doing it for me, but like I
don't take these flowers and whatever, blah blah blah. If
you were to respond, rather than telling somebody what you
don't want, like, rather than saying I don't like flowers,
stop bringing me flowers.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Well, I didn't say that.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
Well I know, I know, okay, But like, I think
we do this a lot in situations of our lives.
We'll tell people what we don't want versus telling them
what we do. So if you were to say, like,
I would really love you too or would love for
you too, how would you complete that sentence I would
love for you to blank.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Good question, And I think I need to spend time
with it because here's what I think I did in
my marriage, and this is work I could have done
eighteen years ago. That would have been helpful, is to
figure out what is what links to me? What do
I like? So I built the story that I'm not romantic.
I remember talking about it on the Bobby Bone Show.
I just would say, I guess I'm just not that romantic,
(05:54):
like I'm not into that. And so then that became
my belief is that I'm not romantic. And I think
that Ben was trying to be romantic, but I had
some sort of block or something, which no wonder because
I'm sitting here saying I'm not romantic, and now I'm
ready to shed that.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
And you want somebody to soup you offer.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Gosh darn it, I'm romantic, but I just don't know
what that looks like yet.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Okay, Okay, should I.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Put that on my Hinge profile? I'm romantic, but.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
I don't know what that looks like, so don't ask me.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Yeah, I just haven't learned how to be romantic yet.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
You should put don't buy me flowers.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
I'm not even on it.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Actually, I will say, I'm a what was that?
Speaker 1 (06:40):
I think my profile might be up, but Hinge is
not on my phone. You deleted the app, but I
think my profile is still up there. I guess if
I redownloaded it, it would all of the matches were
missing out on Okay, well, if you want to be entertained,
you can reload it.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
I have a thing about dating profiles where I know
I was joking and said, don't put don't buy me flowers.
I think it really can be off putting when there's
negative even on a dating profile, like don't buy me
flowers or don't do this, or don't do that versus.
I like when I saw that a lot when I
was on them, and I hear a lot about it
with a lot of my clients are on dating apps,
(07:14):
and so if anybody heard that, don't put that on
your profile. Don't say don't do blank, because then you
automatically are giving this like negative.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Well, and you're happily married for the last six months
now and so far, so good. You know, you have
to voice in your relationship. So this is for dating apps, yes,
but also in a relationship, like you're saying it's better
to say what you do want instead of what you
don't want. So do you say to Patrick, don't do
this anymore, or do you say this is what I
(07:45):
need or this is what I want.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
I'm sure I do a little bit of both. He
would be better at answering this question. But what I
have tried to be really good at is when he
does something I like to highlight it, like I really
loved when you did this, or he doesn't buy me
flowers that often, but he bought me flowers this weekend randomly.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
And.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
What a loser? Gross? Did you tell him to go away?
But he bought me purple tulips?
Speaker 3 (08:15):
And I have to be honest, from my perspective, he's
never been the best at picking out flowers that I
would personally pick out, except when he bought me those
purple tulips.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
Now, I'm not going to tell him, eh, those flowers
are ugly that you got me.
Speaker 3 (08:28):
But when he bought me the purple tulips, I said,
oh my gosh, I love these so much. And I
have probably mentioned it a couple times since then of
oh they look so good on the calendar.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Oh I love those flowers. So I think that I
tried to highlight when he does something I like, versus
highlight when he does something I hate. I'm sure I
do both. So if he's listening this which I know
he's not. He's probably like, you're a liar.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
But I have been really working on complimenting and validing
and affirming things.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
We were talking about how you put things on the
calendar and him planning dates versus you filling things up
because you have to have the next thing to look
forward to. And this is before we started recording. So
I want you to share a little bit about that
because I wonder if there's anybody in relationships like it
could even be a friendship, it could be a romantic
relationship or platonic of like one person's always the one
(09:19):
planning everything.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Well, this is something I learned that I put myself
in this position and then I almost like hurt my
own feelings.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
So we've talked about before on the show.
Speaker 3 (09:29):
I really like to look forward to things. I really
like to look forward to things. So during the weekend,
I'm looking at what we're doing the next weekend, or
the next weekend or the next month. I love having
(09:51):
things on my calendar. Part of that is not because
I'm afraid nobody else is going to plan. It's I
get excited about that stuff. And so I had to
tell myself and tell Patrick and I'm sure I do
this with friends as well, that I am not going
to do that. I'm gonna leave space because when I
do that, there's no space for Patrick to plan a date.
(10:12):
And when we started dating, I wasn't planning dates with him.
He was asking me out, and so then you start
getting comfortable, and then I start doing my normal thing,
and then I'm like, he never plans dates anymore. But
it's not because he doesn't care. It's because I am
controlling everything. That's my own control issue. And so I
actually left our anniversary I call it anniversary, but six
(10:35):
months that weekend empty and he ended up planning something
and surprising me with something. Well, he tried to surprise,
but his calendar sent it a notification to his car.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
And I saw it.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
That's funny, But I have.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
To work on that because that's like a skewed idea
that like, oh, he never plans anything. I don't give
him space to do that, and that could show up
in friendships, right like if I am like I'm always
the one asking her to hin out, Well, what if
you just get to it first? If you ask somebody
to hang out every single weekend in October and then
you're mad that they didn't ask you to hang out
because you already did it.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Yeah, well you're the one initiating it every single time.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Well, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your downfalls.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
There's more in your relationship. There are more, No.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
I think it is helpful to realize what role you're
playing in your relationship and how you might be craving something,
but you're actually the one creating the problem.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
Yeah, I'm not leaving space for him to give me
what I want. Which also going back to the romantic thing,
if you're like, I'm not romantic, you're creating a self
fulfilling prophecy because then you're not leaving space for somebody
to be romantic because they're thinking, oh, she won't like that.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Oh one hundred percent. I think that I created limited
romance based on my storyline. But I think that I
just didn't want to spend time figuring out what I
wanted for some reason, Yeah, or because I didn't know.
That scared me, and I thought, well, I guess if
you're romantic, you just know.
Speaker 3 (12:03):
I think also, if you don't like a certain version
of romance, you've like over emphasized Meay, but.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
We know now that, like you said, romance looks different
for everybody. What's romantic for me might not be for you.
But in my twenties, romance was what you saw in
the movies. Like, yeah, there was sort of one definition
of romance. But I don't know why I felt uncomfortable
with that, Like I guess, I don't know, maybe because
(12:31):
Ben was deployed a lot, Like he was in the military,
so he wasn't home a lot.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Did he write you letters when he was deployed emails?
Speaker 1 (12:39):
I went back and read some of our emails actually
from two thousand and six, two thousand and seven, and
also our first year of marriage, and we were so awkward.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Awkward what do you mean, like you didn't know how
to communicate.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
No, we're communicating videos. They were just it's weird to
go back and read that. And there are so many
emails because of the distance. Some people that are newly
married maybe don't have that type of communication in email
or even written anywhere, because you're living together, you're not
writing it down. He deployed a few weeks after we
got married. Actually, okay, so we got married and then
(13:14):
we flew to London and he was stationed at Milton Hall.
He lived in Cambridge, so then we like took the
drive went there. I went on base, I got my
military ID, I got all registered. We did a will
because we just got married and he's about to go
to Afghanistan. So this is romantic.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
So are you scared?
Speaker 1 (13:35):
This is why maybe I don't have romance. I was
a little bit nervous because it's a lot of business.
Like we didn't take our honeymoon until the summer. We
got married in December, so after we went and did
all the paperwork and I hung out with him for
a few days in Cambridge. In London, we went to
the airport and I got on an airplane and came back
(13:56):
to America, and he stayed there because he was deploying.
So I think like a week after that he left
for I Afghanistan, and then we were emailing as much
as we could.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
I wonder if there's a part of you that was like,
I can't get too attached. Almost like that, I don't
like romance almost creates some distance between y'all. Because that
sounds terrifying. You were in your twenties and that was
all happening. Yes, that sounds really scary.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
Yeah, and tech I think it probably was. I don't know.
Maybe there's some some digging to do there, mostly because
I want to figure it out so I can figure
out what I really want in my next relationship and
what I want that to look like.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
You got to test some things out how well?
Speaker 1 (14:40):
I don't know, Like, can I just practice on you?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
And Patrick? I don't really know that I want you
to like receive romance from me.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
It's called acting, but I don't think that's going to
play out the way you want to you And I also.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Don't want you to be romantic with my husband.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
I just practice.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Also, Patrick's not the kind of romantic I think that
you are looking for. And he's not a words guy.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
He'll tell you that.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
Sometimes I look at him, I say what's your favorite
thing about me today? And he freezes up and then
it leads sometimes to a fight, not a real one,
but he's just not a words guy.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
So Kat's toxic is knowing what's gonna really make a
rust and lose it or lose it.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Yeah, I hurt my own feelings. I'm working on it.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
But he wrote a really sweet letter for our wedding,
and he has said some really kind things to me obviously,
and writes me cards for birthdays and stuff, but I
don't really need that personally. He does other things that
I think are romantic, but I've heard you mentioned like
letters a couple of times, so I don't know that
practicing romantic letters with Patrick would really work for many reasons.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
My college boyfriend wrote me a letter once to get
me back.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
It worked, really, He's a letter. Okay, do you have
that letter? No?
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Dang it, I wish did you burn it for? No?
But I think once I got married, I say, dang
it has nothing to do with him. It has everything
to do with this one particular box that I had
that had all of my ex boyfriend stuff. But once
I got engaged and I was set to be married.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
I was set to be married, I had to throw
it out.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
I threw the boxell, and you know, going through other
memories and things that I have, it's like, oh, it'd
be interesting just to have that box, sort of like
a yearbook.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
I wish I kept that stuff too, But why because
it's part of your life?
Speaker 1 (16:32):
Okay, I kept you're happily married.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Why I wouldn't sit there and go, oh, I miss
this person. But it's like part of your Like you
said a yearbook, I kept all of my notes from
middle school and part of high school in a box.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
But would you think it was weird if right now
you saw that passenger said box and it was his
college girlfriend that he thought he was going to marry
and he was wanting to keep it.
Speaker 3 (16:54):
Yep, I would think it was weird, and Okay, I
would be open to a conversation about that. I actually
have had a couch Talks question you need therapy about
that where somebody found that a box from their boyfriend
of their ex, and I think that's a complicated answer. Yes,
I would have feelings about it, and I also can
understand him wanting to keep that as part.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Of his life.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Something that I did come across that used to be
just like gold back in the day. During this last move,
I found a bunch of my CDs and mix one
of my college boyfriends would make really good mixed CDs
of love songs, any kind of song, like anything that
we would be liking or listening to. They wouldn't be
(17:34):
all love songs.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Now, Okay, here's an example of like things you would
be like.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
Okay, this might be romantic if somebody was making you playlists,
they're not gonna make you a CD anymore. You probably
don't have a CD player in your car, but a
Spotify playlist and send it to you. And these songs
reminded me of you.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Oh yeah, okay, I don't yeah, you're like or maybe not.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
I don't know. I'm trying to think about it, and
I think that I actually would like that. But doesn't
have to be romantic songs to clarify, like it could
be in case you're listening right now now, my future boyfriend,
you can just make it any songs that you like
that you want me to know or you think I
should know, or that maybe are attached to a memory
with us, like something we danced to, something we heard
(18:15):
when we went somewhere, a concert, we went to, stuff
like that. But do people do that? I'm sure at
forty three, yes, see, I just don't even know what
it's like out there now. I need to figure out
what I want romantically, which again i'm single in doing this,
but I do think people in relationships could do this too.
Like you and Patrick have figured out you'll love doing
(18:36):
art together. Now, I think he might be more into
art than you are.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
I think he is.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
He kept saying, I can't wait to get home and
finish my flower.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
That sounds like it could be coad.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Yeah, it's for something, sadly, he was talking about his painting.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
It's Patrick able to open up when he's doing the art,
and like does he talk about things Like for my kids,
if I want them to open up about something, I
have them work on another project, like put some sort
of puzzle together, or draw or doodle or do something,
and then they're a little distracted and they're more likely
to open up. Is Patrick a communicative artist where he
opens up and shares more of himself with you or
(19:18):
is he focused?
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Artists focused and silent. The only thing he'll say is like,
oh I messed that up. I want it a little
too dark on the pedal. That's all I'm getting.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
So it's not one of those things where you get
a lot out of him. Do you ever have clients
do that? Do they do something else while they're sitting
there so they're able to open up more.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
I do a lot of art at work.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
And also that's why we have so many different like
fidget toys and things like that, because having something to
do with your hands just allows you to focus on
something else and they might be looking at that, But
then they can talk to.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Me all right.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Masterclass dot com has an article how to be romantic.
Eight ways to show someone that you care. Number one,
be thoughtful. Doing small things for your loved one, like
making a playlist of songs that make you think of
them or planning a cozy marathon of romantic movies will
build your love relationship over time with your partner. The
(20:24):
second thing they listed express yourself saying I love you
and sharing romantic thoughts with your partner openly by giving
them compliments or affirming how much they mean to you.
This can significantly impact a relationship. Words of affirmation may
come naturally early on in your love affair, but it's
important to continue to share your thoughts across the course
(20:44):
of your relationship. Consider sending your partner love notes just
because they mean a lot to you. Tex Patrick something
right now, See what he says, Beck, We do.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
That all day long? You do?
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Do you send little cute romantic notes all day long?
Speaker 3 (20:57):
We just tell each other like fifteen times a day
that we love each other.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Really. Yeah, I thought it would like wear off, but
it hasn't so far.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
That's so good.
Speaker 3 (21:06):
But I was gonna ask were you an expressive person
in your marriage like that?
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Not really, probably could be better at that. Okay, I'll
work on it in the second half of my life.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Give gifts is the third thing. In addition to giving
your significant other gifts on holidays and birthdays, it's important
to show them your appreciation regularly. Send your partner a
gift on occasion, just because you love them. Number four.
Know your partner's love language. Every person has their own
unique set of preferences for giving and receiving love in
a romantic relationship. Early on in your relationship, ask your
(21:39):
partner what types of gestures they like. Is it gifts,
acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, or physical
touch make them feel valued. For example, if your partner's
love language is physical touch, it says make sure you
hold their hand, give them hugs, and cuddle with them often.
Number five listen. Attentive Couples stuck in their typical routine
(22:03):
may forget the importance of listening attentively to their partner
and not tuning out when they speak. Show attentiveness by
giving your significant other your full attention and making eye
contact when they talk. That is a hard one, not
romantic in the mix. And you've been married for fifteen
years and you've got a multitask.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Six, make time for your partner rather than waiting for
a special occasion to plan an outing, schedule date nights
to keep up with quality time. Do y'all have a
scheduled date night?
Speaker 3 (22:33):
No? No, But we don't have kids and we don't
have like a busy schedule right now, so we probably
are going to need that in the future.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Brainstorm romantic ideas that you know they'll enjoy. That helps
with making time for them. At seven, show physical affection.
Hold hands, cuddle while watching a movie, and kiss your
partner on the cheek to physically demonstrate your romantic feelings
for them. Cheek Does that do that?
Speaker 2 (22:57):
A cheek is like a sweet It's yeah, you're right.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
I like a forehead or like the top of my head.
That's more romantic sometimes than like a kiss.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
On my lips.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Surprise them. If your partner likes surprises, think of a
romantic surprise you could arrange, recreate your first date, plan
a party, send them a love letter at work, or
schedule a relaxing getaway, all of which can make your
partner feel special and loved. We don't want to recreate
your first date.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
My first date was good?
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Was it the second date? Second date? We don't want
to recreate all Hey you big p Well I ended
up getting married, which I think that is Wait.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
Second date wasn't bad. It was bad. I was not
thinking we were going to keep dating app.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
You definitely weren't going to date him after that. He
didn't do anything. You just kind of thought, I don't
know that he's the one.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Yeah, our first date was good.
Speaker 3 (23:53):
I also didn't really think anything special about our first date.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
If you never text me again, I probably would have
been fine.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
So that feels about to say now, huh, Yes.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
It's weird, And it's also weird some of the things
that I said after like our first couple of dates.
I was like, Oh, he's not going to I've said
that he's not gonna be my husband.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
I'll go out with him again.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
But like to anyone listening, feel encouraged that you never know.
Sometimes you're just dead wrong about something, and that happens
to almost everyone.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
I almost think that I would never have been able
to understand how romantic he could be, because he's not
the kind of guy that's going to be over the
top when you meet them, because it's inauthentic.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
He's not a love bomber kind of.
Speaker 3 (24:33):
Person, and so to see him be able to do
all those romantic things, I had to give it time
and then see if I liked it from him. So
that makes sense, like it wasn't happening in the beginning,
because I mean, he was planning dates and stuff, but
a lot of those things he wasn't doing because it
would have been like kind of weird for him to
do those things that early.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Well, now I have a question about love bombing, and
I don't know that there's a blanket answer for it,
but love bombing is just so associated with narcissism now,
and I don't know if they always go hand in hand,
or if every narcissist does love bombing right, or if
every love bomb equals I.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Don't think every love bomb equals narcissism, because sometimes it's
just too intense, and somebody can be more into finding
a partner than actually into you, and so things get
really intense really fast, and the intention behind the love
bombing might be different from somebody like that, and somebody
who's a narcissist. But I think sometimes they're just people
(25:32):
who want to love people no matter who they are,
and they just want to be in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
So how do you get that time time.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
I can't say this blanketly, like there's nuance to this,
and that's why it's so hard to talk about. But
if you're getting a lot of that really intense, very romantic,
very over the top, very extreme experiences in the beginning
of a relationship, you have to give it time to
see if that is consistent, if that is actually going
to pan out, if that's who they are, or they're
(26:00):
more into a relationship than you.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
I just googled really quickly, like how do I know
if I'm being loved bombed? And it says if someone
says I love you a little too soon and frequently
gives strong, seemingly unwarranted compliments or makes intense claims about
the connection, love bombing may be at play. But Amanda
and I were talking on last Thursday's Four Things episode.
There was this dating expert that said that you should
(26:26):
know within the first twelve weeks of dating if it's
the person for you, and like that's when the L
word could get said. So I'm like, wait, twelve weeks,
maybe too soon. And again, it can't be a blanket statement.
I don't even know why he was so sure.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
Who said that? I can't remember Matthew huse.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
No, I don't think his name is like Ryan or something.
I don't know I said it in the episode. But
I love you can be said for some people on
the first date, or it can first date.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
If you've just met him, that's red flag. But if
you know them for a while, well and you finally
decided to go on this date, I think that intensity
can be different.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
But I think that.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Well, I was just giving the ida of like it
can be early on, or it could be some people.
It takes some two years to say I love you,
so it can look different for everybody. But gosh, it's
got to be hard to tell. I just mean love
bombing in general is so closely associated with narcissism now
that I feel like a lot of people if they're
being love bombed or there is that red flag and
(27:26):
they might write that person off because they're like, oh,
I don't but if you're to be a narcissist, situation
I also.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
Think it can be associated with love addiction and codependency too,
So I wouldn't write somebody off.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
I would just be aware.
Speaker 3 (27:40):
Let's love addiction, the addiction to relationship and having a
person it's like codependency on steroids with their romantic partner.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
I don't have that.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
I don't think you have. I want to give you
a little dose of it.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
Shoot, So that can be part of it, because and
that's what I mean around they're just so obsessed with
the idea of a partner that they fall in love
really easily, and it sometimes isn't healthy. I say all
the time. Healthy relationships have no rush. So there's no
rush in a healthy relationship. That means I don't need
(28:16):
to do all of the stuff that I would do
in a relationship eventually in the first three months, and
I don't have.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
To hurry up and put a label on it in
the first two weeks.
Speaker 3 (28:27):
I don't have like healthy relationships are allowed to take
time because I'm not going to die and suffocate if
this doesn't work out, and I might not know yet.
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Time is what creates more intimacy.
Speaker 1 (28:40):
Healthy relationships have no rush. Yeah, put that on a sweatshirt.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
I don't know that anybody's gonna buy that one.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
Healthy relationships have no rush.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
I bet I would make more money from a sweatshirt
that said love bombed.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I mean, maybe you should look into that too.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
I'll put them both up and see what one's.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
And then I'll keep little red flag on the sleeve.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
Wait, that's a good idea.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
Love. I mean, either way, if the love bombings from yeah,
the love addiction or codependency or narcissism or just yeah,
it's still a red flag. And time you said, it
just takes time and you'll figure out that what it is,
because it might be a red flag that could be
worked through.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
There's no way to know consistency in a person without time,
Like we don't know who a person is without time,
because we're just looking at a version of somebody.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
That's the truth. So that's why I figured out with you.
What do you mean I'm joking?
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Time?
Speaker 1 (29:37):
No, I think over time, I've you learned a lot
about what I've learned about you over time and things
you have taught me about friendship, and I'm grateful for it.
I'm glad we took the time to get to know
each other.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
It sounds like, you're just like highlighting time and then
we took that time. It was like word and you're
trying to as many sentences as you can.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
I am a time from WebMD. Love Bombing is an
emotional manipulation technique that involves giving someone excessive compliments attention. Gosh,
see I would like that, you like.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
It sounds so romantic. This is the romance that I
want because that's.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
A compliments, but then it says or affection to eventually
control them, So it is doing it in an effort
to be able to manipulate.
Speaker 3 (30:28):
I think that idea sounds nice, but if the wrong
person was doing that to you, you would get an ick.
Excessive compliments from somebody that you're not into is like,
oh my gosh, they're so annoying.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
Oh yeah, like you can have major stalker vibes and
it's so creepy and restraining order worthy. Well, one person's
doing it and someone that you liked be doing the
exact things things and you're like, isn't he so sweet? Right? Yeah,
(30:59):
just just of pens, So be careful out there.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Yeah, take your time.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
We're all just looking to get swept off our feet.
But do you feel like you and Patrick at six
months in like sometimes when you get home from work
and you see that he's there already, or like, are
you excited to go in?
Speaker 3 (31:17):
And yes, we've only been together for two and a
half years, so I think it's hard to I'm not
an expert.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
I can't be an expert on marriage, that's for sure, But.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
Like, I don't really know what this is going to
be like in ten years, but I still want to
do everything with him, like I would invite him to record.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
With us, like I would too, Like we really are
obsessed with.
Speaker 3 (31:37):
Each other still hopefully doesn't wear off, and also that
you don't have to be obsessed with your partner the
way we are for it to be a good relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Yeah, healthy, but.
Speaker 3 (31:46):
Like I wish he worked from home so that he
was there more then sick of each other, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
I mean, you're smiling right now. I wish people could
see your face. It's like ear to ear. I'm like,
you're like this giddy school girl.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Like every time you call me, he's right next to me.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
I know that's true so much so that now I
don't even know for sure that he's next to you.
But I'm like hive.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Patrick. I've been better about it though. And on Saturday
he wasn't there.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
That's because he was golfing.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Yeah, yeah, he wasn't. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Okay, Well, Kat, where can people find you when you're
not next to Patrick on Instagram?
Speaker 2 (32:22):
At Kat van Buren and at Uni Therapy podcast.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
And I am at Radio Amy And what is that
we're putting on a shirt?
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Healthy relationships have no rush.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
And that's friendships too, that's any relationship. All right, gotta go,
bye bye
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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