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November 28, 2020 36 mins

Content Warning: In this episode calorie counts, detailed weight loss tactics, and prescriptive drug abuse is discussed in detail. 


@radioamy and @lisahayim are joined by Tana Smith aka @tanamontana on instagram and youtube. Tana bravely shares her story about the internal pressures of being thin to be “successful” on YouTube, how she thought weight loss was the ticket to subscribers and friends, PLUS her journey away from Youtube, for the time being, in order to find herself. 


Substance Abuse Hotline: 

1-800-622-HELP 

Want to share your story, or recommend a guest we should have on Outweigh? E-mail Hello@outweighpodcast.com


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@lisahayim

@radioamy


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Wanna Ditch the rules but don’t know where to begin? It starts when you know THE TRUTH about how the body works, and use it as armor against the noise. Enroll in Lisa’s mini course Ditch Diets for Good for just $10 dollars and take a giant first step in learning to F*RK THE NOISE. Code: OUTWEIGH at checkout here (https://lisa-hayim.mykajabi.com/DD4G)


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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Maybe that's Lisa, and we're just two girls that want
to have a conversation with you. Dear sixteen year old
Andrea hey gorsgeous, Dear younger Lauren. Each episode is stories
from people I would deprive myself. Why myself obsessively? Because
I was eating healthy? I couldn't understand that I had
a problem with food. Losing my period scared me the most.
My story starts when I was around seven. That's when

(00:24):
I started to hate my body. Body image is like
our inner picture of our outer self healthy behaviors. I
had a much bigger role at all health than the
actual number on the scales. Internal dialogue can be so
powerful and often it's super negative and critical in a
way that we wouldn't talk to other people that we
care about. When you start to share your story, that

(00:44):
gives other people the courage to share theirs. I know
you would be proud now of how far you have
come in your relationship to food, exercise, and to yourself.
I felt freedom, I've gained relationships. I've found my true
sense of self worth. There's one thing I need you
to take away. You're going to be okay. Welcome back

(01:04):
outwagh fam I hope you had a good Thanksgiving break.
I hope you had a restorative time with your family
and you got to eat nourishing food and really did
your best to just be present in a time when
it is so so, so loud and noisy. If you're
listening to this episode a few days after Thanksgiving and
you're still in that mindset of, oh, I need to
compensate because I ate so much, I need you to halt.

(01:26):
I need you to know that you deserve food always.
I need you to know that overeating is normal. And
the best thing that you can do for your health,
physical and mental is to just breathe, take it day
by day and continue to listen to your body, maybe
adding in nourishing foods, and instead of thinking about what
you can restrict or take away, maybe asking your body

(01:47):
what type of movement it's craving, rather than making it
go really hard. Whatever it is, it's your new chance
to do something brand new. So this episode coming up
is really awesome. We have my friend Tanna. Tanna is
a guest who is still in the middle of her healing,
and she comes on and so bravely tells her story,
and I really think that that just deserves an applause

(02:07):
because I feel like all over social media we hear about, oh, well,
I used to do this, I used to do this.
For somebody to be in it and say I'm not
fully there yet and I'm not sure which direction to
even go yet and still tell their story is brave.
That's true bravery, and it really shows a level of
commitment and willingness to want to get better because now

(02:29):
it's out there, you're out of that denial phase. And
Tanna is somebody who has a really big YouTube platform
and interestingly enough, felt the societal pressures via YouTube to
look a certain way on camera. And it's interesting because
you know, YouTube is this camera that you turn on yourself.
And just to kind of learn about the ins and
outs of social media and the various ways that it

(02:51):
can impact our body image and the things that we
do is really interesting to me. Anyway, I wanted to
give a little content warning here that Tanna does share
methods to achieve weight loss, and she gets specific to
certain drugs that were used, calories that were consumed, and amy.
And I never want to tell somebody what they shouldn't say,
so we let people speak freely and if we feel

(03:12):
that it needs a content warning for the listener you,
we're gonna put it right here. So if any of
that feels triggering to you in a way where you
may use what you hear in a way that's not
in your best interests, perhaps this episode is a skip
for you, or it's an I'll listen later on. Whatever
it is, we just want to make sure that we're
protecting you at all costs. So, without further ado, let's
dive into this episode with Tanna. Welcome back to another

(03:34):
episode of Outweigh. Today, we are joined by my friend
Tanna and you can find her on Instagram at Tanna
Montana one hundred. Same thing on YouTube. And Tanna is
super interesting because she's a YouTube star herself, but also
an editor, and she's going to come on today and
talk a little bit about the pressures of social media

(03:56):
and the journey that she's been on herself. So, without
putting too many words in your mouth, welcome, We're so
excited to see you. I'm very excited to be here. Actually, Lisa,
thank you. I was really excited when I saw your
post about the podcast because I've been kind of wanting
to tell my story and I hadn't before. So I
feel like this was like following you on Instagram a
few years ago and then now today just like everything's

(04:18):
kind of like shifting and moving and it came to
the right place. Yeah. I put out a lead from
my audience to hear if anybody wanted to tell their
story about having disordered eating or eating disorder who didn't
occupy what society would consider an eating disorder. And you
came to me and said, well, I'm still on this
journey actually, And I think that's an important part to mention,

(04:39):
because I think we're all on our journeys. But Amy's
very candid on our podcast about being you know, in
the weeds and out of the weeds and so forth,
and being joined by people who are not like yeah,
I made it to the other side and everything's great,
but being like, hey, I'm still going through it, but
I'm going to show up and tell my story anyway.
So can you tell us a little bit about your story? Yeah, So,

(05:00):
as I was thinking back about my story, it's like
so many things come up. But I guess if you
want to start. When I was probably like maybe even
like twelve years old, reading seventeen magazine, I always remember
seeing like the workout section in there, and every girl
had like this flat stomach and everyone was thin. And
I wasn't like an overweight kid or anything like that.
That was pretty normal. I did Margie Band and color Guard,

(05:21):
and I was just you know, average. I was always
a little taller, so I was kind of like just
bigger than a lot of people. So that was like
my first kind of when I remember feeling like, Okay,
I need to lose weight or I need to change.
And then as I got a little older, I started
YouTube in two thousand nine, um, and I did like
a lot of beauty and fashion videos and then I
kind of transitioned into d I Y and as my

(05:43):
following got bigger, around fifteen is when I made the
move to l A And that was kind of the
thing that you did when you were on YouTube and
things were going well. I'm originally from Arizona, so it
wasn't like a huge drastic change for me, so LA
is kind of like the perfect fit. And when I
got to l Way, I moved in with a couple
of roommates and they were both like thin girls, kind

(06:05):
of like the naturally thin girls that you see and
I didn't feel like I don't know, I felt like
on YouTube, I never had people commenting or anything saying
like you need to lose weight, you're fat, or anything
like that. It was always coming from my own brain.
Like no one in person has ever said anything to me,
no one online ever said anything to me. This was
all just like me looking at other people and thinking

(06:25):
maybe I should look more like that. So it was
I moved to l a in like near in August,
and then when I moved in with the girls, I
was kind of thinking in the back of my mind
like maybe, like it's gonna be good to live with
thin people because then I'll be able to kind of
like take their habits and learn how they eat, learn

(06:45):
how they live. Like it took this secret club of
like okay, let's see what these things people do to beefin.
One of the girls too, she was she was very short,
she was like four ft nine, weighed like close to
a hundred pounds. So like in what she told me
that she did was she ate eight hundred calories a day.
So I was like, okay, like great, I'll try that.
I had county calories and tried to cut calories and

(07:06):
did like weight watchers just random those random diets before,
but I never like strictly counted calories. So I decided
it was like January of and I was like, okay,
I'm starting this. I want to do better on YouTube,
and if I'm thinner, i'll do better. This all sounds
like it's so I've never spoke about this like out lot,

(07:27):
but yeah. So I was like, if I'm thinner, I'll
do better, I'll make more money, I'll people will like
be more, YadA, YadA YadA. So I started like meticulously
counting calories. And I looked back through my notes, because
I always write everything down in my notepad. I would
write the day and I would write the calories that
I burned, and I pulled up one of the one
of the old ones. This is what a typical day

(07:48):
looked like for me eating eight hundred calories. So this
was this was actually augusten. So on August twenty nine,
I burned eight hundred calories. For breakfast, I had two
calorie worth of oatmeal. Then I had two lunchables which
were both two hundred sixty calories, and then I had
a popsicle for thirty five calories. And this was a

(08:09):
total of seven hundred eighty five calories, and this was
like perfect day. Like I would look at that day
and I'd be like, they're like, yes, I'm so happy,
like this is great, Like you're doing great, perfect, Like
I look at I'd look at my notes before I
went to bed, and I'd be like, okay, seven five,
you burn eight hundred, You're like in the clear. They
people always talk about how those calorie counters on gym
machines aren't aren't accurate, but I was like, okay, well,

(08:30):
if you eat seven third five and you burn a hundred,
you're good, like you're golden. And obviously, over time, county
calories to guit hard that you get hungry. Like I'm
five eight and when I started counting calories, I was
two hundred and five pounds, and as like county calories,
Like I would wake up in the morning, I would
weigh myself first thing every single day, and I would
record that weight too, and I remember like every day

(08:51):
I would lose like a pound, a half a pound,
two pounds. It would fluctuate, so it just depend on
like how good I was, like how close to the
eight hundred I got. But after a while I got
told about adderall. But I don't want to say like
because I don't blame anyone for me getting on adderall
or anything like that. It was just I was introduced
to it. It was like one of those kind of

(09:12):
like a miracle things. This is gonna help you not
be hungry, and you're gonna be able to increase, like
your workout performance. You're gonna you're just gonna be able
to just have so much energy, so much thing to do.
You're also gonna be able to like work afterwards. So
I went to a doctor that was recommended by my
friend who she got her adderall from. She coached me
beforehand on how to like what to say in order

(09:36):
to get the adderall. I needed to say that I
was kind of like struggling to make my YouTube videos.
I was home all day and I was kind of
just it just wasn't working like in high school. I
even I even told him that I took adderall in
college for a little bit, like I was prescribed. So
I was like basically lying to this doctor to get adderall.
But I was like, I need to play this perfectly,
So I like practiced with her on what to say

(09:57):
and like I was ready. I was going to go
to the doctor get my adderall, and I got it.
So I paid like five hundred dollars for this doctor
visit from this doctor and like Santa Monica, and it
was It's actually interesting too because the doctor, I feel
like he knew and obviously there was other people that
went to him like this in the same way, kind
of saying the same thing. I'm sure, and he was

(10:18):
just kind of so relaxed about prescribing. It didn't do
any like checks, didn't call my other doctor anything like that.
Was just kind of like okay, Like I mean, if
you want to what he said one time when I
walked into the office, He's like, just let me know
if like you're if you feel like your heart's going
to stop. It was like, like that's a warning sign. Well,
and too, I'll just pop in here. Having had experience

(10:40):
with adderall and using it for weight loss, I want
you to share a little bit with how you felt
on it. Also share how did you feel on seven
hundred and eighty five calories and how did you feel
on adderall? For me, personally, I felt awful and I
was fed a lie that I was going to have
so much energy and feel great and some days, yeah,

(11:02):
in the beginning I did. Then I needed a higher dose.
Then I needed more to feel it, and I would
feel the crash and come down, and the effects it
was having on me as a person were crazy, but
I didn't want to let go of it because it
was something I was dependent upon, and I too went
to a doctor that I knew would give it to me.

(11:25):
And I do have a d D, so I felt
like I had that in my corner. I've tested positive
actually for a d h D. But I was going
to see some shady doctor. Like even the people in
the waiting room, I was like, where am I right now?
But I was like, gotta get my drugs and it's
street speed basically, and for him to bring up yeah,
if your heart's feel a little funky, I mean that,

(11:45):
like Lisa said, huge red flag scary. So before anybody's
getting any crazy ideas that, oh well that's all I
gotta do. No, no, no, no, no, we're not. We're
sharing with you. Our stories were not endorsing this behavior.
And I feel like you may have similar experience to
me after you were on it. So let's talk about
how you were feeling on such a few calories, and

(12:06):
then let's talk about how you were feeling using adderall. So,
when I was eating the eight hundred calories or when
that was my goal, I didn't care what it was
that I ate. So it could be snacks, it could
be like my safe foods, like a lot of my
safe foods like popcorn, low calory popsicles, low calorie ice cream,
rice and chicken. So obviously, like you said, like at
the beginning, I felt, I felt okay. I was like, okay,

(12:29):
I can do this like short term grave you feel
fine like But after a while, I was hungry. My
entire mind was consumed with thoughts about food all the time.
Whether I could go out to a place to like
order food, I had to check the menu, I had
to check the calories all that. So I just felt
like every thought was about whether I could eat this food,
whether this food was okay, what it wasn't going to

(12:51):
take you into a binge or I don't know, it
was just every kind of every and I And I
also didn't know at the time that other people didn't
think like this, like I kind of thought every one
always thought about food, always thought about what they could
eat because like I don't know, I just it just
became everything. So at first, yeah, I felt I felt okay,
but that after a while, like it I just was
always hungry. And so that's where the Adderall came in.

(13:13):
When I started taking the Adderall, like you said, it
was amazing. My first day taking it, I still remember,
I took ten milligrams, and I was just like, this
is how I could do it, this is how I
could lose the weight, Like I'm so happy I found this.
This is like the best thing ever in the world.
And then probably after a few months of taking it
every day, like I started taking ten and then I

(13:33):
didn't really have any like weird side effects or crashes
at the beginning, but then when I got to twenty milligrams.
The thing is like the extended like taking adderall for
an extended period of time, the way that you feel,
it's like nothing. It messaged with your brain, It's like
nothing you could even imagine, Like you can't even explain
how you feel. Do you have like the greatest highs,

(13:55):
the worst extremely terrible lows, like but you come back
for the highs, right, like you have to take the
pill to get the high back is that correct. I'm
I'm asking as someone who's never taken adderall. Definitely, I
kind of didn't even let it get to the low
points because they would always be I'd be ready for
my next dose, you know, like maybe I'd wake up
a little earlier to be like, Okay, I gotta take
my attall early. And then I then i't even take
ni quill at night to sleep because I would still

(14:17):
kind of like be on the high of it, and
over time, Yeah, and maybe I would even in the
morning take the half and then later take another half.
You learn just different ways to kind of like balance
it out over your day to have like the perfect
day of like no lows. So that's where obviously, like
the ni quill came in at night, because you would
still be like your heart rate would be elevated, um,
and you like wouldn't be able to sleep. When I'm

(14:38):
even thinking about it, I don't even know what that
person was, who that person was, how I was even functioning,
Especially getting off of adderall. That's probably like the worst
experience I ever had in my life. And then I
had to get off adderall with the help of a therapist,
like I was not able to do it on my own.
I didn't want to quit. I never wanted to stop.
I was like I have to, and I just it's

(14:59):
weird because I am talking about right now. I'm like,
I really sound like a drug addict. I didn't feel
like that. I felt it didn't It just didn't feel
like that at the time. Well, I mean, it was
a prescription pill. It was prescribed by a doctor. Your
friends and those around you were doing it, and it
was facilitating you to work. So it's very different than

(15:21):
many drugs that may be illegal. Like it's a legal drug.
You got it prescribed from a doctor. And then I
think the critical part that really makes it different from
any other drug that I know of is that it
makes you quote unquote better at your work, not worse. Right,
So it's how do you move away from that? And
I'm so thankful that you're talking about this because there

(15:43):
are so many women that do that. And just to
kind of illustrate, and then Amy jump in, I see
you something to say when you're on eight hundred calories,
like at you mean you're five eight, So just for
some some reference there, But nobody can live on an
eight hundred calorie diet, not even like a toddler, you know.
So with that you have to remember, audience, that food
is energy. So if you're not going to give yourself food,

(16:03):
you're not gonna have energy. And when you get to
the point where you're afraid to eat more, but you
need energy to do your job, and then you latch
onto a drug and then the drug, you know, makes
your heart beat really fast, but then that's not good
when you need to go to sleep, so you latch
onto another drug, whether it's again a night quill, seemingly
over the counter, thank you, yeah, seemingly innocent. And then
the morning you you're groggy because you took the night quill,

(16:26):
and that also has symptoms that involve, i know, from
personal use, depression and even suicidal thoughts. For if you
take it consistently, then you need the drug again. So yes,
it is addiction. There's nothing to be ashamed about. And
I think shining light and I never expected us to
go here in that way, at least so quickly, but
I'm so glad we did. Thank you for sharing your

(16:46):
story to recognize that addiction looks a lot like a
lot of different things, and it's oftentimes normalized with certain drugs.
Especially in the pursuit to be thin. If anybody's listening
right now going through this, I feel like there could
be if it's one person that is hearing this that
popped their outer all this morning. And again, everybody is
on a different journey. You may be taking it for

(17:07):
something completely different. If you are taking it to avoid eating,
to have more energy to exercise and to lose weight,
that is improper use of the drug. And then there's
a big debate on whether or not people should be
taking it anyway, but we won't get into we won't
get into that. So but I'm speaking to you as
a person that also has attention deficit disorder. Even I

(17:29):
would get praised at work for focusing more, and oh,
I love when because I was vocal that I was
taking something. I was never vocal that I was taking
it for weight loss, of course, not I was vocal
that I was taking it for my a d D.
And I would get, you know, praise that, Oh, you're
you're so focused. I love when you're on this. I
can you're not over there doodling. You're paying attention. And

(17:50):
so then it's even harder to let go, especially when
you're you're using it as a thing that also doubles
it as attention and weight loss. But at what costs
one thing? Real quick for listeners, if you stop listening
here and you're like, I'm gonna quit adderall. Like Tanna said,
she worked with her therapist, her mental health professional, or
her physician. And we'll put a free hotline in the

(18:12):
show notes as well for anybody that says, Okay, this
is me, I want to get help. Make sure you
do it the right way, because withdrawal is real and dangerous.
So work with a health professional and do it the
right way. When you're in something like this, you have
to wait at what cost? At what cost do I
want to achieve this l a body or whatever it is.

(18:33):
And I guess speak to that, speak to the how
did you with the help of the therapist. Let's now
talk a little bit to some of your recovery and
that journey and what it looks like and your relationship
with your roommates or who you were hanging out with
the types of people you were surrounding yourself with. Because
I have a friend that just moved here from l
A not too long ago, and she talked about the

(18:54):
pressures there work in saying it could be in any circle.
We're using l A in ex ample because that was
part of your story. But what did you do to
separate yourself from that and realize it was a problem. Yeah,
So I got out of l A UM And actually
I kind of always wanted to move to the East Coast.
But everyone kind of knows my story about how I
moved with a guy to the East Coast. We moved

(19:15):
to New York first, we lived there for a little bit,
and now I live in Pennsylvania, so we live in Philadelphia. Um,
not with the guy anymore, but his family was kind
of when they heard about the things I was doing.
They were the ones that kind of like, we're like, okay,
that's not right, Like these aren't things you did. I
was defending it, obviously, and I was like, no, this
is this is like what you do, Like you don't understand.

(19:35):
You weren't there, you don't know, like this is I'm okay,
Like just just let me do what I gotta do.
And the reason I even went to the therapist was
in order to get another prescription for after all, I
wasn't going to get off of it. I was actually
going just so I was like because I I ran out,
I needed to get more. I left that doctor in
l A. I didn't have any more prescriptions. So I
went to this doctor and I guess she noticed the

(19:58):
red flags and was like, I'm not gonna prescribe you
at all. And I was so sad about it, Like
I was so mad. I was like, Okay, I gotta
find another doctor. But this lady, like I'm still actually
seeing her now and she is really great. Being out
of that mindset of l A and being around people,
think the images you see, it's kind of like, I mean,
even if I was following I even had to unfollow

(20:20):
a lot of the people that I was friends with
in l A because I can't look at that every day,
like that's going into your mind, all of those things
circling around. It's like when I was presented with these
real images of people walking around, super thin, super beautiful people,
and so I kind of just cleared out. I've always
been someone like if there's something that is not like
in my life that's not supporting me, usually I'm like, okay,

(20:42):
I'm easy to cut it off. So unfriending people on
following things that would trigger me. I stopped YouTube um,
which was triggering me too because I felt like I
had to be thin to be on camera. Like I said,
no one ever said that, But I just I looked
at people who were successful and I was like, well,
they're thin, So I mean, I guess that's how why
they're successful. And obviously it's not true. And it took

(21:03):
a long time for me to even believe that that's
not true. Um, and I still don't fully believe it.
But I want to interrupt real quick because I hear
you keep saying and and and I I appreciate it,
but I want you to know that it's not just
the lies in your head you keep saying. Nobody ever
said that to me. I it's just so No, it
has been said to us, almost like raining down on

(21:26):
us without us even knowing it. From the moment we
could understand, we know what society expects from us. Your
brain didn't make up to be successful, I need to
be thin. And just because nobody ever directly said it
to you, it is everywhere, trust me. So it's not
your fault. It's not your brain. We have been given
that picture an example of that, Tanna, and the email

(21:48):
where you told me your story. You told me you
were at a YouTube event in l A and there
was a girl who was friends with a lot of
the big YouTube stars, and again, this is your reality,
this is the YouTube world that you were engulfed in.
And she said to you, Wow, you glowed up because
you lost the weight. And that's I believe. I don't
want to put words in your mouth, but those are

(22:09):
the words that get transcribed in our brains as yes,
this this is what they want to see on camera.
Keep going and then you will reach the level of
fame and get the subscribers and the partnerships. And I
don't know, I don't know the YouTube world that well,
but I know subscribers are like a big one. Yeah.
I mean, you guys are absolutely right. And I kind
of didn't even think about that fact, Like I kind

(22:32):
of took it on as this is me. I don't know, because,
like I said, how I even started with my thoughts
of weight loss was like reading seventeen magazine when I
was a kid and looking at like the fitness section,
or even just reading magazines that I love to look
at magazines. And so yeah, this has been something that's
been like pushed on everyone since we were young. And
I see that it's just become so much of like

(22:54):
me and how I think and how I view the world.
But now it's just like I'm thinking, like, that's that's me.
But now I'm thinking maybe I should challenge that. Well,
I'm personally pissed because you and I have talked on
Instagram and your bio just as YouTube editor. So I'm thinking,
you know, you're this girl that just edits YouTube videos
for whatever. And we start talking a little on email

(23:14):
and you're like, oh, no, I have a YouTube channel.
I go to your page. You've got over two thousand subscribers.
Better than that though, You've got great content. And in
that same email and in then you just said like
you just stopped youtubing because you think that that that
you're whatever it is that's holding you back. And I'm
personally pissed because I want some some tools from Tanna

(23:36):
and I'm only learning about you now and all I see,
and Amy, I think you'll agree, is radiance like your smile,
your soft vibe that you give off your open heart,
and I want more of it personally, if if I'm
joking with you, if and when you're ever ready or

(23:56):
want to return to that world. There's a million ways
for you to show up in this world and do that.
I do want to talk about kind of like you
were on YouTube for a long time and your thought
your audience saw the weight loss. Were they clapping for you?
Were they asking how you did it? Were they unknowingly
reinforcing some of this because you also told me that

(24:16):
you never talked about this part with your audience. I
at a point kind of stopped reading the comments. And
I think a lot of like people who are on
social media know about how like dangerous and just like
triggering that the comments on any social media can be.
So I didn't look at the comments, but recently I
went back and looked at something someone said, and I
remember people saying like you look great, like things like that,

(24:38):
like oh my god, you look you look awesome, like
they just basic things like that. It was never like
you look so skinny. I mean maybe on it maybe
on Instagram I heard that, like your like goals like
that sort of thing. But I remember one that I
read recently. There was an old comment was they said,
ever since you lost weight, you become like some kind
of different person or like stuck up or something like that,

(24:59):
like and and it's easy for us to to even
look at one comment and think that, like everyone thinks
that same thing. So I read that one comment, I'm thinking, like, yeah,
a lot of people think that probably, so yeah, I
mean maybe people thought that. My friends in person in
l A, they all were like supportive of it. The
only person that like mentioned a bad thing about it
too was like my YouTube manager at the time, And

(25:20):
when she found out I was on at all, she
was telling me, you have to get off that, and
I was like, yeah, sure, I'm not. But at the
beginning even she was like, wow, like you look great,
Like because people I just told people I was just
exercising and just eating less. Maybe if maybe if I
would have been more like open about what I was doing,
but obviously I wouldn't be because I knew that it
was wrong, so I wasn't really going around telling people.

(25:41):
I was just like, yeah, I just exercising, like going
to the gym, doing good stuff. Like I just spun
it as like a healthy thing. So maybe even that's
how how it just came across. So no one kind
of said anything because people were at it was kind
of at the time when people weren't commenting too much
about people's like weight in appearance, you know, like it
was kind of becoming more like the taboo it is
now where people know, like maybe I shouldn't make a

(26:01):
comment about like someone losing weight or something like that,
like the whole adel picture. How like maybe we should
just be a little more careful about it. So maybe
that's I also had a younger audience so too, so
maybe that played into it. But YouTube is a bit
more like Savage than Instagram in the comments. It's a
little bit more an anonymity and less personalization. And if
people are like this video sucks, like on Instagram, you

(26:25):
don't really get that as much. It's more if most
people that comment are applauding or clapping or saying something nice,
like they know you. Maybe it's because like YouTube, like
you upload once a week or whatever, and Instagram you're
showing up every day and so people know you more.
But the comments sections of even the most popular YouTubers
that I follow, I mean, I can't believe the things
that people say. And I guess it is that younger

(26:46):
audience that only knows life with a keyboard in front
of them and has no accountability for the things that
they say. I don't think I would do very well
on that platform, and I know Lisa was doing that,
and I want to second it to encourage you two
if you have content that you want to put out.
As a mom of a black daughter who's thirteen years

(27:07):
old and likes to spend time on YouTube, I love
the idea of you being someone she could look up
to that I actually needs so much to me because
my mom's also my mom's half white um, and so
growing up like in a mixed race kind of world,
it's hard to find people that are like you or
someone you can identify with, which is kind of the
reason I started YouTube in the beginning, because I was like,

(27:29):
there aren't really many black people here. There aren't many
people that look like me. So I want to be
someone that's like telling my story from my side because
I didn't have anyone telling it at the time. You know,
I have this theory that and I started to think
of this when you said that, you know, you had
your YouTube going, everything was great, and then he moved
to l A and you saw what other people were

(27:50):
doing and you thought, oh, if I emulate them, i'll
have more. And I think we're all sitting on top
of our own secret sauces like we've got our own magic,
are unique us, our own stories, our own skills, our
own way to show up in this world that has value.
But when we see somebody that has more of whatever
we want, whether it's I don't know, Amy in the

(28:10):
radio world or me in the nutrition world, or Instagram
or Tanna you in the YouTube world, we give up
some of our special sauce. We sit on it, we
hide it, we lose it in attempts to conform, to
be like what other people are. And I think it's
an important thing to be on the lookout for because
we're all subject to it in whatever fields we live

(28:30):
in or whatever surroundings we have, because I think we're
always going to kind of like reach for what other
people are doing. But for me, personally, the goal is
to them like return. Okay, I'm acting a little not
me in efforts to go to a place that I
saw someone else go. How can I be more me,
even if that means sacrificing some of the game, So

(28:52):
not growing my own Instagram account as fast. You know,
that's something that I let go of a long time
ago when I realized that the chase didn't bring me fulfillment.
Getting more followers was never enough, And I was like,
you know what if it I'm going to spend my
time at home with my family and doing the things,
and what I put out on the internet is going
to be me take it or leave it? And I
don't know. I just think it's an important lesson that

(29:12):
we all need to remember that we bring magic to
this world. Don't forget your magic. And Janna, if that's
not YouTube for you anymore, whatever, if Amy encouraged you
and it is YouTube, I obviously am going to like
I thought, I watched this Mermaid Toast video you did,
which I know is old, but I mean for an
old video, it didn't feel old at all, which speaks
to your abilities to create videos and you certainly have

(29:36):
talent or skill and a knack at it. Well, Tanna,
can you I don't know the Mermaid toast, so will
you share a little bit about what that is and
where we can go find it? So the Mermaid Toast
video that is on my YouTube channel, and basically you
take a piece of toast and you use cream cheese
mixed with spear Lena to give it kind of like
the Blue Green mermaid E look um. So my thing

(29:59):
was always kind of like d iy video is fun, lighthearted,
like happy. I wanted to like help people make their
rooms look cute and really and what you've got. And
then I guess maybe too, this is part of the
journey to me getting back to YouTube. Like I had
to completely like drop it, like Lisa said, like everything's
about like getting back to yourself, and like I became
so overwhelmed with like so much input and so much

(30:20):
coming in that like I just had to be like, hey, no,
cut it off. Like now I'm like slowly coming back
to it and trying to figure out how to do
it in like a healthy way and how to be
myself on there. So I mean, I would love to
be on YouTube, but every time I think about it,
I I go back to like kind of those same
thoughts of like Okay, well I don't know if I
should be on camera, Like my face is going to

(30:41):
look fat. I need I need to get surgery first.
I'm gonna I need to get lip injections. I need
to look like this. So there's just so many things
to come up, and I know that like if I go,
if I just go back and start. It's not gonna
be like healthy. So I'm slowly doing things like being
even being on this podcast, like to where I can
like get my feelings, my thoughts and speak and it
may be a different way so that I can find

(31:03):
out a way where I can speak on YouTube and
like be my actual self. So yeah, I mean, obviously
I'd love to get back to it, but it's still
a sensitive thing. I guess we talked about in the beginning,
Like I'm still on the journey of like healing and
figuring out how to even eat properly, like how to
manage money. Like I'm just like a young girl like

(31:23):
trying to, you know, figure out life. So I don't know,
do you mind saying your age? I don't know how
old you are. Yeah, I'm twenty seven, okay seven. I
want to just thank you for sharing your story. I
think there's a lot of women, whether they're eighteen right
now listening to this or fifty, they maybe have had
to walk away from something for whatever reason it is,

(31:46):
but in their heart, that's their passion. And I hear
you saying you want to do the YouTube, but you're
going to go about it in a proper way that's
going to be healthiest for you. And so I didn't
know where our conversation was going to go, but I'm
pumped that we're in this space for people listening that
have something that they know they really want to do,
and either they need to take the proper channels to
get there or they just need to know. Okay, wait,

(32:08):
all this this negativity out of my head about I'm
not good enough to do it yet you'll encourage them
to shelf that and chase whatever it is because we
can empower our listeners, and anytime you get in front
of the camera or a microphone, you have the opportunity
to empower people to do what they're called to do,

(32:29):
what they feel in their heart they want to contribute
to this world. And that's of course going to change
from you said two thousand nine. So you were like
seventeen or sixteen when you started YouTube. Okay, right, So
on our journeys to figuring out what we want to do,
let us be empowered by the pause. Let us not
see you taking a break from YouTube as you falling

(32:50):
behind like f that mentality personally, like this is you
catching your breath so that you can orient and learn
what direction you want to go in life, whether that's
back to YouTube, whether it's back to YouTube and not
doing d I wise, or whatever it is. I think
that that's super important and I'm really proud of you.
And I recently interviewed my friend Bree, who has a

(33:12):
really incredible story on my own podcast. But Bree gave
me an incredible tip that I think we could all
learn from that her therapist gave her, which is when
she has a thought such as you, I'm just going
to use the one that you just said, which is
I can't go back on YouTube because my face is
I think you said, I don't know you said you
needed lit fillers too fat. I thought you said something

(33:32):
like that, but I was like, well, that can't be
a true sentence. So maybe so you know, write down
that thought, always have paper on you, which I think
you do anyway, and throw it across the room and
catch yourself, take a few breaths, walk back over to it,
read it and read your thoughts. Read the thought that
says I can't go back on YouTube, because I like

(33:52):
when you read you when you throw it, you take
a breath, you walk back over. You've gotten space from it.
So what happens next. Maybe it's the same thing, but
at least you've identified it as a thought versus a reality. Right.
Our thoughts are not reality yet our thoughts dictate what
we do if we do not pause and say, hey,

(34:12):
you're just a thought. And so I don't know. I
thought that all of us could kind of benefit from
hearing those words in our head, taking a piece of paper,
throwing it across the room, breathing, picking it up, reading it,
and redefining what happens next. I love that. And Lisa's
podcast is called The truth Fous Life in case you
heard her mention my podcast, if you want to go
check that out, you should. And then Tona, what what

(34:33):
about your YouTube is the same as your Instagram? Can
you say it all again one more time? So people
know where to find you some of your content from then,
and then hopefully where to find you when you make
a return and whatever whatever that looks like, we're here
to lift you up and encourage you. So whatever that
looks like, just know that hopefully in our community of

(34:55):
outweighed people, they're amazing and we hope that you you
fe you all that wherever you start, and I'm sure
some of them may want to follow you, so just
share your info again. Yeah, so you guys can find
me at Tanna Montana one hundred on Instagram and YouTube.
And now I'm actually excited to kind of like go
through and find the people that follow out way, because

(35:16):
ever since I started following Lisa, like just the thing
she says, the things she stands for, like Instagram is
a part of your healing journey, and I've used it
like that, and I just think that the best thing
you can do is like connect with people who kind
of understand you, Like I didn't have to explain myself
to either of you, and you guys kind of just
like already understood you guys have similar experiences. So now

(35:40):
I'm excited to even like find this new community and
see where it goes from there. Thank you for being
a source of hope and being honest in your journey
and being on your way. I mean, that's all on
your way. Um, That's all we we ever want to
ask for. And I'm so honored to now know you
face to face and have you joined the out family.

(36:00):
Thank you both so much for having me. This is
like therapeutic, I feel like for me, so and hopefully
it helps me to to make any kind of next
step in my own journey, whatever that looks like. We're
here for it, yes, and you're you're helping other people
too along the way, so hopefully this is therapeutic for
listeners as well. Thanks Danna,

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