May 3, 2022 • 26 mins
Welcome to the '5th Thing' with Amy & Kat!! Today’s quote gives us a reminder of things we need to never feel guilty about (but yet we somehow do at times). Then we get into personal boundaries and answer some emails about: eye patches/pimple patches, bird seed recommendation, how to deal with all the things, and supporting loved ones/staying connected with those that are in the military.
Thank you licensed therapist, Kat Defatta, for joining us with her wisdom. You can find her on Instagram: @Kat.Defatta + @YouNeedTherapyPodcast.
Best places to find more about Amy: RadioAmy.com + @RadioAmy
Please send emails for the 5th thing to 4ThingsWithAmyBrown@gmail.com
ShopEspwa.com for all items that support Haiti (including ‘4 Things’ merch!)
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Happy Tuesday. I'm Amy and I'm Cat and welcome to
the fifth Thing. Today's quote is from the Good Quote
on Instagram. That's what the account's call. Yeah, so it's
just full of like good quotes. So someone had posted
and they just reposted them. Things not to feel guilty about.
And I feel like I've seen this from multiple people,
(00:26):
so it's nothing brand new, but it's a great reminder.
Like I would like to say, keep it in your
back pocket for when you need it, but things not
to feel guilty about. For not responding immediately to somebody,
how do you feel about that? Like it for being
really good at something. I can't hear you with you. Sorry,
I was trying to make a noise because I just
(00:46):
opened my out. I want to talk about that, but
keep going. For saying no to things that don't feel
good to you, for taking a break and then for
standing up for yourself. Okay, read the second one again.
For being really good at something. Okay, I love that
because I don't think i've ever heard somebody say you
don't feel guilty about being good at something. But I
(01:07):
also feel I want to know your feelings on this.
I get this sense that like we're not allowed to
like complement ourselves and we're not allowed to like put
out there that we are good at something because it
feels like egotistical or narcissistic or something like that. Do
you feel that way? I think I have because I
downplay sometimes what I do or my different skill sets
because I'm like, oh, I'm not as good as that person,
(01:29):
or oh I don't want to. But in the last
year or so, as I've been trying to look at
like where i want to go with my career and
where I'm focusing my energy and what I'm doing, I'm like, Okay,
I'm good at this. But I do feel more confident
in my work and what I'm doing and feeling okay
with saying out loud I'm good at that. Yeah, And
(01:50):
it actually gives me confidence going into certain things. I'm
good at this, and I'm gonna go and I'm gonna
go out there and I'm gonna kill it. Yeah. And
a lot of times people are good at things because
they've worked really hard at them, and we should be
allowed to celebrate that. Okay, I really like that was
a good one. You're a good therapist. Well, thank you.
You're welcome especially in your field, well your special men
(02:16):
health field, mental health, but disorders. Yeah, yeah, it's okay
to acknowledge that, Like, yeah, I'm good at what I
do because I worked really hard getting here. How do
you feel about not responding immediately? Okay, So funny story.
I was listening to a podcast on the way to
your house and they were talking about getting these messages
like that kind of like shock you like out of
(02:36):
the blue, and how there's just like feeling where we
have to respond right away because there's all this emotion,
but the best thing you can do is like sit
there and really think through your response. So it kind
of makes me think of that because I think a
lot of times when somebody reaches out, we put our
brains on their timeline versus our timeline. That makes sense absolutely,
So yeah, if we need space to think, or maybe
(02:58):
we're busy and we don't have to I'm to react
to that, It's okay. My thing is I want to
make sure and I'm getting better at it. It is
not losing the text and then forgetting completely to reply,
because I do that, and I'm like, there has to
be a better system. I wish that iPhone would let
you reset your text message. You know, on an email,
(03:18):
you can go read it, but then you can go
mark unread so that it stays on read, so you know,
to go back. I wish I could add the blue
dot back to my messages after I've opened it, because
I'm not ignoring it on purpose. A lot of text
messages I get come in and on weekday mornings and
I'm doing the Bobby Bone Show. It might be a songbreak,
(03:39):
so I might be engaging, but as I'm trying to
focus more at my job and realize like, okay, yes,
have I had a d h D since I was
a child, Yes, But some of my stuff is my
own doing, like having my phone out and my computer out,
and then I get squirrel like I'm doing the show
and then I'm like, oh, let's come in and I
start doing this, and in I get in trouble for
(04:01):
not focusing at work. And while I can say, oh,
but you know me, like that's not cutting it. I'm
working on that. I'm doing certain things to improve parts
of my brain and I'm seeing it happen. But what's
also very aware to me is I have a choice
of what distractions can I have around me, So a
(04:21):
lot of times I've been keeping my computer shut or
my phone down, but songbreak, I might bust it out.
But songbreak, I might see your text. But then that
song is only three minutes long, and I don't know
yet if I've had time to reply. And then I
put my phone down and I don't pick it up
for another two hours because I'm focusing, and then I
forget to go back because more texts have come in.
Do you know what I mean? Okay, yes, And I'm
(04:42):
so glad you're saying this because it gives me context
of talking to you, because sometimes you do respond right
away and it's like boom boom boom, boom boom, and
then you don't respond dark and then two days later
you're like, oh my gosh. That's why I hate that.
But that is also helpful to know that that's what
(05:02):
you're doing. The other thing though, because like, what is
the solution to not read it until you have time
and space. I do that, and then I end up
having like fifty unread text messages, and then I have
too much anxiety to go back and read all of them,
so they still get ignored. So I don't know what
the solution here, well, some people say that that batching
is the way to go, like you should batch your text,
(05:23):
batch your emails like at to thirty. But then I'm like, well,
what if you get a text at you know, eleven am.
That's important and you need to check your text messages,
but it's not your text message time. But maybe you
have emergency you have certain people labeled that can get through.
But then if it's not, is it really an emergency?
So if two thirty to three is text messages, or
(05:43):
maybe two to three if you need that long, then
that's when you boom boo boom, knock it all out.
And then same thing with emails some people if their
job allows it, which everybody has a different type of
career that allows different things. But Lisa Haim, who's our
friend I co host that way, she's got a podcast,
The Truthious Life, Cat and I are both friends with her.
But she does emails and she has an automatic reply
(06:06):
that if you email her, it'll say I only check
emails Monday, Wednesday, Friday or whatever the days are, I
don't know, And that's the boundary she had to set
for herself, and she can sit down on those a
lot of days and really focus her energy to the
email instead of every day being like bing wing wing
wing wing to the emails. Now again, her career allows
her to do that, but just something you consider. Yeah,
(06:28):
I like, I really do like her automated email. I
wanted to do that, but I don't think it would
fit with my job. Yeah, you have more of a
you have a different job, which to you could you know,
ping me in between clients and then you go dark
for an hour and then sometimes maybe not hear from
you for like three days, And I'm like, what's wrong
with cat? Just kidding, But that's what I'm working I'm
(06:51):
working on not being able to make sure I carve
out the time to go back and make sure that
I've replied to everybody. And then another thing that I'm
doing at night to be more present home is I
used to kind of just have no boundaries or rules
with my phone. If it was seven o'clock, it didn't matter.
I'd have my phone out, Instagram, whatever, eight o'clock a PM,
but right before bed. And now I still dabble in
(07:13):
that because I mean, things just naturally draw you to
your phone at times. But I would say my on
average now is I'm not near my phone at night,
and I would I just put it down and I
either put it on my charger and I am present
with the kids. I make sure my show prep is
done at a certain time. I used to be like
willy nilly with that. I'm like, I get to that later.
(07:34):
So now I've set my own personal boundary of like,
I'm trying to get all my work done by three
thirty four o'clock. Some days it doesn't happen. It's just
not possible. But I used to not operate on any
sort of schedule, and it would be nine PM and
I'd be running up to my podcast room to try
to write the description or shoot even record a podcast
that was due for the next day. And now I
(07:57):
have a flow, I have organization, I have interviews pre scheduled,
I have a calendar. I abide by it, and it's like,
oh yeah, in that not much time. I've got my
time to get my show prep done and do a
podcast interview probably for the coming weeks, or have phone
calls or zooms or meetings that I need to have.
But it's limited. When I do connect with friends or people,
(08:17):
which has got to be in the car. But then
sometimes I have to be on the phone with my
husband or my kids. Teachers are different phone calls we
have for them when I'm driving and then I'm not
really alone, and some friends I want a little bit
of alone time when I'm talking to them. So it's
just making sure that I connect in some ways. And
I don't like being that person that's like, hey, can
you talk at like three o'clock? But well, I don't know.
(08:38):
It just feels weird to have to schedule that out,
but I guess it's I have to my friends. Okay,
I'm I've literally been playing phone tag to an extent
with a friend trying to schedule a phone call because
our lives are busy. So I don't think there's anything
wrong with I don't even know how we got here
though the quote, yeah, it's been about ten minutes or so.
(08:58):
But yeah, for not sponding immediately and don't take offense
to it. That's one thing that I used to think,
Oh goshould they mad at me? And really it has
nothing to do with you, or they don't care about me.
And that's a lot of times in life. They could
be focusing on their kids, they could have new boundaries
with their phone, which again, that's what it has come
down to for me, especially at night. I want to
(09:19):
hang out with my kids. I want to have meaningful
dinner around the table, which we don't always do that,
but we've had dinner around the table more this year
than we ever have in the four years that we've
been parents. And I see a difference in my kids
when that happens. But no guilt if you can't make
that happen, because honestly, I don't know how Some people
make it happen all the time with the kids and
their schedules and everybody's different all the time. And you know,
(09:41):
so she was about to be in high school, it's
gonna be even worse. And wait, is she in eighth grade? Yeah,
she's going into ninth grade next year, and she's gonna
feel well, she's fifteen now, and she's gonna start driving
soon or release her learners permit. I feel crazy because
I don't want her to get old. You feel very hard.
I feel sad and I wanted to stop growing. Like
(10:02):
I walked past her in the hall at home the
other day and I was like, who are you? Where
is the little girl that once was? Who is this girl?
In my house? Who is this girl? Okay, I do
(10:23):
have an email that I want to get into. Hey, Amy,
longtime listener, second time emailer. My kids are six and
three and we also listened to the Bobby Bones Show.
They chant Bobby Bones every morning until I turn it on.
It's hilarious. But anyway, I feel like we may have
been in a similar season and I can connect with
you and a lot that you share. I was wondering
a few well actually four things she said that was
(10:48):
her play things. Good job. First thing, what kind of
bird seed do you recommend? I recently put up a
word feeder around my house and now I'm obsessed. My
dad passed away a little over a year ago, and
there is one cardinal that hangs around in a tree
where my three year old daughter says, Grandpa hangs out.
Keep in mind, we moved and my dad has never
(11:08):
been to our new house. I know kids connect with
spirits easier than adults, so who knows. I just want
my new bird loves to have some yummy food when
they come to visit. Also, if you have any recommendations
about the different kinds of feeders or a field guide
for identifying different types I'd love to hear it. Just
tell me all the things. Okay, Well, first I would
say your local pet stores will have a bird seed
(11:28):
and you can just get wild bird seed some that
could be specific to your area. One thing that I've
thrown into my feeder to attract birds is peanuts in
the shell. They can crack it, So you're good, like
those whole in the shell peanuts, Like how they come. Yeah, yeah,
And when you said peanut in the shell, I got
it right away. You're very smart. You're very You're very
(11:49):
good at what you do. You're very educated. Very I
know what if peanut is. So that's where you can
start with bird seed, or you can order some wild
bird seed off of Amazon. I personally liked wooden square feeders.
It doesn't really even matter the brand. Everyone has different
price points. But mine are just wooden blocks like a
little mesh thing and then a tray and it just
I just dumped the seat out and I've got like
(12:11):
a wire rod things sticking in my yard and I
hang the feeders on that and they come and they
visit me by my window and it's great. And when
it comes to identifying birds, you can order charts off
Amazon too. When my mother in law was staying with
us a few weeks ago, she said, oh, where's your chart?
I want to identify this bird. I said, oh, I
know what that is. You don't need the chart, and
(12:32):
now I just the birds. I put the chart away
because I don't even need it. I know all my visitors.
So and that could be a fun activity with your kids,
especially since there's six and three. You'll can play bird
bingo and you every time you identify a bird, it's like,
you know, point or yeah, oh, that's actually kind of cool.
It's like when used to collect the like quarters from
(12:54):
every state that I didn't okay. I probably tried at
one point and then I was like, okay, Texas chick.
Done done alright. Second thing in her email love eye patches.
Thanks to you. Do you ever get breakouts? I've been
hearing about pimple patches, but have no experience any thoughts. Well,
I've patches. They're totally my jam I keep in my
(13:14):
frigerator and I wear them all the time and they
do not break me out. Did they break you out? No,
I've never gotten a breakout from that. I've gotten breakouts before,
but I guess we all have different skin and that
might depend on which ones people are using. Yeah, and
I just get the cheap ones from Amazon, So try
those out. I don't think you'll have a problem. And
I have tried the pimple patches before you talking about
oh they're they're a little clear thing. Okay. So I
(13:36):
actually was cleaning out my bathroom because I'm moving and
I found a pack that I had bought. I never
tried them. But also I think they should come with
like a warning that I think people forget that they
have them on because I've had so many not so many,
but I've had a friend and then a couple of clients,
which is funny, that have come into session. I've been like,
oh my gosh, I forgot that I put these patches
on my face. And a friend we like, went out
(13:57):
to lunch or something. She came back from the bathroom
was like, I forgot that I put these patches all
over my face Because they're clear, I can't really see him. No,
I mean, I've worn a Mountain publok before. Some people
just might do it on purpose, So give them a go.
I have no idea for sure, for sure if they're
really working. But sometimes it's placey bo If it feels
nice to know that you're doing something and there's got
to be something in there that's bringing down the inflammation
(14:19):
at least obvious, why not? Why not? Okay? Third thing,
I've recently realized I can't do it all. I have
two small kids, one who's waiting on an appointment in
Boston for a newly diagnosed immune deficiency. We've been dealing
with the passing of my dad. I'm a teacher during
a pandemic, among all the other things. I've recently gone
(14:40):
halftime at work so I can support my kids more.
My son goes to school that gets out much earlier
than me and wasn't handling the long day and hours
that after school program very well. I love being able
to pick him up for a play date at the
playground or off the school bus. I have a lot
of guilt, though, for the kids in my class who
aren't adjusting as well to the new afternoon teacher, as
(15:01):
well as for the fact that I'm not financially contributing
as much as I used to to our family. I imagine,
with all you do, you can't do all of the things.
How do you deal with that? And this, my friends,
is where I bring in the therapist. I can't take
it away. Well, I was thinking about when you're reading that.
I recently stopped teaching cycling, and one of the reasons
(15:25):
that I did that it was an accumulation of a
couple of things. But one of the reasons I did
that is because I also get stuck in the space
of I get really excited and when I do everything
is where I get and then once you get into something,
then you feel like a responsibility to it. And I
realized I can't do it all, and if I want
to do the things that I'm doing well, I have
to pick and choose because I guess technically some people
(15:47):
might say, well, I can juggle this and juggle that,
and it's like, well, what level are you really doing
it at, because maybe I have Let's just use this
for an easy example. Maybe there's ten things that I'm doing,
But am I doing all ten of those things at
ten so I can all fit them in? Versus well,
what if I'm doing three things and I can do
all of those things that a much higher percentage and
(16:08):
put much more energy to and I can actually be
more like satisfied with how I'm showing up in those
things because I'm not trying to do everything. Yes, and
that feels better to me. And Nikki, that's who the
emails from. You are doing this so that you can
focus more on your kids. And I think it's great
that you're thinking about your kids in the classroom. That's awesome,
(16:31):
But your kids at home this is something. This is
time that is valuable and precious. And I had to
alter the way I worked for my kids because I
wanted to be intentional with that time, and there was
things that I had to to move around and shift
and it wasn't fun. But then it's been the best
thing and that's the priority. And there's things I've let
(16:52):
go off financially too. You just have to listen to
yourself and try to figure out what is going to
be best for you and your family. And it sounds
like you've got that figured out. And while you're not
contributing financially, you know, I think your husband probably sees
the value in what you're doing with the other things
and that y'all will be fine. Yeah, And I have
(17:14):
to add this because I think this is a part
of it, because I think a lot of people probably
feel what you're feeling. That our culture sends a message
a lot of times that we can do it all.
Our culture sends a message that you can have it all.
I've seen become very toxic for a lot of people
that go after that. Mixed with social media and how
(17:35):
people portray them having it all and doing it all.
They're not a lot of times sending the picture of
the inside of their brain that feels all discombobulated because
they're trying to juggle everything. They're showing the pictures of
them succeeding at those things, So it messes with us.
I don't know anybody who can do everything that they
want to do all the time and do it at
(17:57):
a good level. I don't know anybody. So there, I
love that. Thank you for your expertise in that area.
All right, now onto the fourth thing that she shared.
I would be curious to hear about how you handled
your husband being in the military, especially during times when
the world is struggling. My husband is a police officer
who is also in the Air Force, and it seems
like there's something new every day. I don't watch the news,
(18:19):
but the news does seem to find me. Sometimes he's
going to be shifting from full time civilian police to
full time military, and I want to make sure that
I'm in the best place for myself mentally to support him. Okay,
Now a little backstory for anyone that's new. My husband
was in the Air Force when we got married, and
he was in for seven years of our marriage. He
(18:39):
was in twelve years himself pilot Air Force full time,
and we spent half of that time that he was
in deployed. And I say we because he was the
one there, but I was left back home. And so
I think that's the first thing as he shifts into
full time. I don't know, deployment is different for whatever
his position is in the Air Force or where he
might be going, but know that you've got to try
(19:01):
to prepare for the separation and just know that's part
of the job. He has zero control over that. It
seems like since he's part time Air Force now and
he's a police officer, you know that his life is
just not his own end of story. Some things that
he has to do or go or last minute things,
it's not his fault. So if you take it out
on him in any way, shape or form, that's just
never gonna be good. So that's where I say, start
(19:25):
building your team. Now. You may already have some other
wives that you are friends with or that are in
your community, but who are those people. Identify them now
and start pouring into those relationships and making those strong
so that you can vent to them in a way
and they get it because they know. Or maybe you
have to build it with someone who's doesn't have a
(19:47):
spouse in the military, but just someone that's a safe
space for you to vent, so that you're not venting
to your husband who already has or your wife whoever
it is that has an extremely stressful job to be
in the military or to be a police officer. I
can't even imagine the things you see and deal with
daily that then to hop on a call with your
(20:08):
spouse and then being met with like venting. My husband
always said he appreciated that about us. I found other
people to like, share things with, and then I started
to create a life of my own, and I made
sure that I stayed busy and I nurtured my life
back here so that he could go do what he
needed to do, especially as a pilot flying he needs
(20:30):
to concentrate. He's got certain missions, and he said that
he would see other military people that would just be
coming into work like, oh, I just hung up with
my wife and blah blah blah blah blah, or I
just got off with my husband. I keep saying wife
because that's my situation. I was the wife back home.
And he said that it would stress them out, and
then they it was hard sometimes for them to focus
(20:51):
because it almost give to compartmentalize and be like, Okay, well, God,
I can't think about that right now because I got
to focus on this task at hand, this mission. But literally,
lives are it's take if you're not in the right mindset.
So share daily happenings from home, like if he's going
to be away, especially away from your kids, Like sending
little updates without him having to ask is great. Like
(21:11):
I think photos and what an amazing thing that we
live in the time that we do when we have
people deployed in our lives, because like my mother in law,
her husband was in the Air Force and he was
at Vietnam and they used to have to record on
a cassette tape and then mail the cassette tape to
hear each other's voices. If they weren't able to do
phone calls, and of course there was no FaceTime, there
(21:33):
wasn't email, there was snail mail like handwritten notes. So
we're very, very lucky to be in a time where communication,
if it's allowed, you get to have that. Music is
another really great way to connect, like if he's busy,
like sending each other songs that make you think of
each other, and just learning about what he's doing as
(21:55):
much as you can and being able to talk with
him about it if he can. Sometimes what they do
you can't know about, but I don't know, get curious
and then he'll feel like, oh, okay, she's a part
of this, and maybe then he can talk to you
about certain things. Again, this is him her fife husband.
This could all of this could be vice versa. But
like maybe you try not to vent to him, but
(22:18):
then you could be a space where he could vent
to you. You're looking at me, weird say that again? Okay,
So I just had said, like we need to try
not to vent when they're deployed and doing certain things.
But like if he's able to talk on the phone
or come home from work and vent to you, like
that's good. But also you have to have healthy communications.
(22:38):
So I'm not saying keep all of your thoughts and
feelings and frustrations away. I'm just saying use discretion knowing
where are they right now? Where does their focus need
to be. Is this really the right time for me
to bring this up because their stress levels are already
so high? Does that make sense? That makes sense because
what you would be venting about. I thought it was
(22:59):
hell full when you said a lot of their job
is just out of their control, and like that's it.
A lot of times people will have frustrations about their spouse,
spouse or their partners jobs because of how they choose
to set up boundaries around them. But this would not
be that. This would be like they have no control
over what they can say yes and no too, So
when you're venting about that to them, they can't do
(23:21):
anything about it. So I do get that, and I
think that actually is helpful because I have never lived
that experience. Yeah, and I think that this could be
interchangeable with other careers, Like if you're having some issues
with time and connecting, just implement a few of these
things that I've said. There's way more, But for me,
the core things were making sure I had a life
(23:43):
of my own, staying busy, active, building friendships and community
outside of my husband, so that I had my support
and I had everything wasn't just all about him, and
my happiness wasn't contingent upon him because he wasn't around
that much. So those are my little tips. The song
one is good like that can brighten their day, like
(24:05):
just sending back and forth music. Music is so powerful.
It's such a fun way to connect. And then you
just have to be realistic about communication. There's times my
husband would leave for six ninety days and we couldn't
talk once and I would have no idea where he was. Yeah,
so scary. Alright. To wrap up the email, she said,
thanks for being y'all and sharing yourselves with us. Your
podcast does make a difference to someone like me just
(24:27):
trying to survive all the things right now, smiley face,
Thanks for reading my ramble your friend Nikki from Massachusetts.
Shout out Nikki, and shout out rambling. We love a
good ramble. If you ramble, you belong here. That should
be like part of like your tagline. If you ramble,
you belong Yeah. If you don't like rambler, yeah, it's fine.
(24:50):
Cat where can people find you on Instagram at cat
dot de fata and at you Need Therapy podcast and
that's the Instagram handle, but they should also live into
the podcast which is you Need Therapy Yes, and I'm
a radio Amy on Instagram. Listen Mother's Days this Sunday,
So if you haven't shopped well, you probably rush order
(25:11):
something from a spoa if you want to go check
it out. This is probably the final final day for
you to get something in time that is an amazing
gift that will give back to the moms in your
life and support new moms and babies in Haiti through
Project Meta Share in their maternity centers. We're trying to
fundraise a lot of money to pay for thirty dollar
birth kits. We want to buy hundreds of thirty dollar
(25:32):
birth kits to pass out to midwives in rule parts
of Haiti to deliver safe births and save lives. So
shop spoa dot com e sp W A SPA means
hope in Haitian creole got a tattooed on my wrist.
Both of my kids are from Haiti. It'll always be
a place near and dear to my heart. So if
(25:52):
you're looking for a gift shop ASPA has got you covered,
or you can give it to them belated. I'm just
wondering with shipping account for sure, when you'll get it,
get it, but you might get it in time. You
might do russhiping, or maybe you'll see your mom the
week after Mother's Day and you can be like, guess
what got you a gift? Better late than never, That's
what I like to say. Okay, Cat, well, thank you
(26:13):
for this episode, and I'm gonna try to do the
sign off, which is like, okay, well that's our show,
thank you, did you do it? It's a question time.
It's up in the air. People
Happy Tuesday. I'm Amy and I'm Cat and welcome to
the fifth Thing. Today's quote is from the Good Quote
on Instagram. That's what the account's call. Yeah, so it's
just full of like good quotes. So someone had posted
and they just reposted them. Things not to feel guilty about.
And I feel like I've seen this from multiple people,
(00:26):
so it's nothing brand new, but it's a great reminder.
Like I would like to say, keep it in your
back pocket for when you need it, but things not
to feel guilty about. For not responding immediately to somebody,
how do you feel about that? Like it for being
really good at something. I can't hear you with you. Sorry,
I was trying to make a noise because I just
(00:46):
opened my out. I want to talk about that, but
keep going. For saying no to things that don't feel
good to you, for taking a break and then for
standing up for yourself. Okay, read the second one again.
For being really good at something. Okay, I love that
because I don't think i've ever heard somebody say you
don't feel guilty about being good at something. But I
(01:07):
also feel I want to know your feelings on this.
I get this sense that like we're not allowed to
like complement ourselves and we're not allowed to like put
out there that we are good at something because it
feels like egotistical or narcissistic or something like that. Do
you feel that way? I think I have because I
downplay sometimes what I do or my different skill sets
because I'm like, oh, I'm not as good as that person,
(01:29):
or oh I don't want to. But in the last
year or so, as I've been trying to look at
like where i want to go with my career and
where I'm focusing my energy and what I'm doing, I'm like, Okay,
I'm good at this. But I do feel more confident
in my work and what I'm doing and feeling okay
with saying out loud I'm good at that. Yeah, And
(01:50):
it actually gives me confidence going into certain things. I'm
good at this, and I'm gonna go and I'm gonna
go out there and I'm gonna kill it. Yeah. And
a lot of times people are good at things because
they've worked really hard at them, and we should be
allowed to celebrate that. Okay, I really like that was
a good one. You're a good therapist. Well, thank you.
You're welcome especially in your field, well your special men
(02:16):
health field, mental health, but disorders. Yeah, yeah, it's okay
to acknowledge that, Like, yeah, I'm good at what I
do because I worked really hard getting here. How do
you feel about not responding immediately? Okay, So funny story.
I was listening to a podcast on the way to
your house and they were talking about getting these messages
like that kind of like shock you like out of
(02:36):
the blue, and how there's just like feeling where we
have to respond right away because there's all this emotion,
but the best thing you can do is like sit
there and really think through your response. So it kind
of makes me think of that because I think a
lot of times when somebody reaches out, we put our
brains on their timeline versus our timeline. That makes sense absolutely,
So yeah, if we need space to think, or maybe
(02:58):
we're busy and we don't have to I'm to react
to that, It's okay. My thing is I want to
make sure and I'm getting better at it. It is
not losing the text and then forgetting completely to reply,
because I do that, and I'm like, there has to
be a better system. I wish that iPhone would let
you reset your text message. You know, on an email,
(03:18):
you can go read it, but then you can go
mark unread so that it stays on read, so you know,
to go back. I wish I could add the blue
dot back to my messages after I've opened it, because
I'm not ignoring it on purpose. A lot of text
messages I get come in and on weekday mornings and
I'm doing the Bobby Bone Show. It might be a songbreak,
(03:39):
so I might be engaging, but as I'm trying to
focus more at my job and realize like, okay, yes,
have I had a d h D since I was
a child, Yes, But some of my stuff is my
own doing, like having my phone out and my computer out,
and then I get squirrel like I'm doing the show
and then I'm like, oh, let's come in and I
start doing this, and in I get in trouble for
(04:01):
not focusing at work. And while I can say, oh,
but you know me, like that's not cutting it. I'm
working on that. I'm doing certain things to improve parts
of my brain and I'm seeing it happen. But what's
also very aware to me is I have a choice
of what distractions can I have around me, So a
(04:21):
lot of times I've been keeping my computer shut or
my phone down, but songbreak, I might bust it out.
But songbreak, I might see your text. But then that
song is only three minutes long, and I don't know
yet if I've had time to reply. And then I
put my phone down and I don't pick it up
for another two hours because I'm focusing, and then I
forget to go back because more texts have come in.
Do you know what I mean? Okay, yes, And I'm
(04:42):
so glad you're saying this because it gives me context
of talking to you, because sometimes you do respond right
away and it's like boom boom boom, boom boom, and
then you don't respond dark and then two days later
you're like, oh my gosh. That's why I hate that.
But that is also helpful to know that that's what
(05:02):
you're doing. The other thing though, because like, what is
the solution to not read it until you have time
and space. I do that, and then I end up
having like fifty unread text messages, and then I have
too much anxiety to go back and read all of them,
so they still get ignored. So I don't know what
the solution here, well, some people say that that batching
is the way to go, like you should batch your text,
(05:23):
batch your emails like at to thirty. But then I'm like, well,
what if you get a text at you know, eleven am.
That's important and you need to check your text messages,
but it's not your text message time. But maybe you
have emergency you have certain people labeled that can get through.
But then if it's not, is it really an emergency?
So if two thirty to three is text messages, or
(05:43):
maybe two to three if you need that long, then
that's when you boom boo boom, knock it all out.
And then same thing with emails some people if their
job allows it, which everybody has a different type of
career that allows different things. But Lisa Haim, who's our
friend I co host that way, she's got a podcast,
The Truthious Life, Cat and I are both friends with her.
But she does emails and she has an automatic reply
(06:06):
that if you email her, it'll say I only check
emails Monday, Wednesday, Friday or whatever the days are, I
don't know, And that's the boundary she had to set
for herself, and she can sit down on those a
lot of days and really focus her energy to the
email instead of every day being like bing wing wing
wing wing to the emails. Now again, her career allows
her to do that, but just something you consider. Yeah,
(06:28):
I like, I really do like her automated email. I
wanted to do that, but I don't think it would
fit with my job. Yeah, you have more of a
you have a different job, which to you could you know,
ping me in between clients and then you go dark
for an hour and then sometimes maybe not hear from
you for like three days, And I'm like, what's wrong
with cat? Just kidding, But that's what I'm working I'm
(06:51):
working on not being able to make sure I carve
out the time to go back and make sure that
I've replied to everybody. And then another thing that I'm
doing at night to be more present home is I
used to kind of just have no boundaries or rules
with my phone. If it was seven o'clock, it didn't matter.
I'd have my phone out, Instagram, whatever, eight o'clock a PM,
but right before bed. And now I still dabble in
(07:13):
that because I mean, things just naturally draw you to
your phone at times. But I would say my on
average now is I'm not near my phone at night,
and I would I just put it down and I
either put it on my charger and I am present
with the kids. I make sure my show prep is
done at a certain time. I used to be like
willy nilly with that. I'm like, I get to that later.
(07:34):
So now I've set my own personal boundary of like,
I'm trying to get all my work done by three
thirty four o'clock. Some days it doesn't happen. It's just
not possible. But I used to not operate on any
sort of schedule, and it would be nine PM and
I'd be running up to my podcast room to try
to write the description or shoot even record a podcast
that was due for the next day. And now I
(07:57):
have a flow, I have organization, I have interviews pre scheduled,
I have a calendar. I abide by it, and it's like,
oh yeah, in that not much time. I've got my
time to get my show prep done and do a
podcast interview probably for the coming weeks, or have phone
calls or zooms or meetings that I need to have.
But it's limited. When I do connect with friends or people,
(08:17):
which has got to be in the car. But then
sometimes I have to be on the phone with my
husband or my kids. Teachers are different phone calls we
have for them when I'm driving and then I'm not
really alone, and some friends I want a little bit
of alone time when I'm talking to them. So it's
just making sure that I connect in some ways. And
I don't like being that person that's like, hey, can
you talk at like three o'clock? But well, I don't know.
(08:38):
It just feels weird to have to schedule that out,
but I guess it's I have to my friends. Okay,
I'm I've literally been playing phone tag to an extent
with a friend trying to schedule a phone call because
our lives are busy. So I don't think there's anything
wrong with I don't even know how we got here
though the quote, yeah, it's been about ten minutes or so.
(08:58):
But yeah, for not sponding immediately and don't take offense
to it. That's one thing that I used to think,
Oh goshould they mad at me? And really it has
nothing to do with you, or they don't care about me.
And that's a lot of times in life. They could
be focusing on their kids, they could have new boundaries
with their phone, which again, that's what it has come
down to for me, especially at night. I want to
(09:19):
hang out with my kids. I want to have meaningful
dinner around the table, which we don't always do that,
but we've had dinner around the table more this year
than we ever have in the four years that we've
been parents. And I see a difference in my kids
when that happens. But no guilt if you can't make
that happen, because honestly, I don't know how Some people
make it happen all the time with the kids and
their schedules and everybody's different all the time. And you know,
(09:41):
so she was about to be in high school, it's
gonna be even worse. And wait, is she in eighth grade? Yeah,
she's going into ninth grade next year, and she's gonna
feel well, she's fifteen now, and she's gonna start driving
soon or release her learners permit. I feel crazy because
I don't want her to get old. You feel very hard.
I feel sad and I wanted to stop growing. Like
(10:02):
I walked past her in the hall at home the
other day and I was like, who are you? Where
is the little girl that once was? Who is this girl?
In my house? Who is this girl? Okay, I do
(10:23):
have an email that I want to get into. Hey, Amy,
longtime listener, second time emailer. My kids are six and
three and we also listened to the Bobby Bones Show.
They chant Bobby Bones every morning until I turn it on.
It's hilarious. But anyway, I feel like we may have
been in a similar season and I can connect with
you and a lot that you share. I was wondering
a few well actually four things she said that was
(10:48):
her play things. Good job. First thing, what kind of
bird seed do you recommend? I recently put up a
word feeder around my house and now I'm obsessed. My
dad passed away a little over a year ago, and
there is one cardinal that hangs around in a tree
where my three year old daughter says, Grandpa hangs out.
Keep in mind, we moved and my dad has never
(11:08):
been to our new house. I know kids connect with
spirits easier than adults, so who knows. I just want
my new bird loves to have some yummy food when
they come to visit. Also, if you have any recommendations
about the different kinds of feeders or a field guide
for identifying different types I'd love to hear it. Just
tell me all the things. Okay, Well, first I would
say your local pet stores will have a bird seed
(11:28):
and you can just get wild bird seed some that
could be specific to your area. One thing that I've
thrown into my feeder to attract birds is peanuts in
the shell. They can crack it, So you're good, like
those whole in the shell peanuts, Like how they come. Yeah, yeah,
And when you said peanut in the shell, I got
it right away. You're very smart. You're very You're very
(11:49):
good at what you do. You're very educated. Very I
know what if peanut is. So that's where you can
start with bird seed, or you can order some wild
bird seed off of Amazon. I personally liked wooden square feeders.
It doesn't really even matter the brand. Everyone has different
price points. But mine are just wooden blocks like a
little mesh thing and then a tray and it just
I just dumped the seat out and I've got like
(12:11):
a wire rod things sticking in my yard and I
hang the feeders on that and they come and they
visit me by my window and it's great. And when
it comes to identifying birds, you can order charts off
Amazon too. When my mother in law was staying with
us a few weeks ago, she said, oh, where's your chart?
I want to identify this bird. I said, oh, I
know what that is. You don't need the chart, and
(12:32):
now I just the birds. I put the chart away
because I don't even need it. I know all my visitors.
So and that could be a fun activity with your kids,
especially since there's six and three. You'll can play bird
bingo and you every time you identify a bird, it's like,
you know, point or yeah, oh, that's actually kind of cool.
It's like when used to collect the like quarters from
(12:54):
every state that I didn't okay. I probably tried at
one point and then I was like, okay, Texas chick.
Done done alright. Second thing in her email love eye patches.
Thanks to you. Do you ever get breakouts? I've been
hearing about pimple patches, but have no experience any thoughts. Well,
I've patches. They're totally my jam I keep in my
(13:14):
frigerator and I wear them all the time and they
do not break me out. Did they break you out? No,
I've never gotten a breakout from that. I've gotten breakouts before,
but I guess we all have different skin and that
might depend on which ones people are using. Yeah, and
I just get the cheap ones from Amazon, So try
those out. I don't think you'll have a problem. And
I have tried the pimple patches before you talking about
oh they're they're a little clear thing. Okay. So I
(13:36):
actually was cleaning out my bathroom because I'm moving and
I found a pack that I had bought. I never
tried them. But also I think they should come with
like a warning that I think people forget that they
have them on because I've had so many not so many,
but I've had a friend and then a couple of clients,
which is funny, that have come into session. I've been like,
oh my gosh, I forgot that I put these patches
on my face. And a friend we like, went out
(13:57):
to lunch or something. She came back from the bathroom
was like, I forgot that I put these patches all
over my face Because they're clear, I can't really see him. No,
I mean, I've worn a Mountain publok before. Some people
just might do it on purpose, So give them a go.
I have no idea for sure, for sure if they're
really working. But sometimes it's placey bo If it feels
nice to know that you're doing something and there's got
to be something in there that's bringing down the inflammation
(14:19):
at least obvious, why not? Why not? Okay? Third thing,
I've recently realized I can't do it all. I have
two small kids, one who's waiting on an appointment in
Boston for a newly diagnosed immune deficiency. We've been dealing
with the passing of my dad. I'm a teacher during
a pandemic, among all the other things. I've recently gone
(14:40):
halftime at work so I can support my kids more.
My son goes to school that gets out much earlier
than me and wasn't handling the long day and hours
that after school program very well. I love being able
to pick him up for a play date at the
playground or off the school bus. I have a lot
of guilt, though, for the kids in my class who
aren't adjusting as well to the new afternoon teacher, as
(15:01):
well as for the fact that I'm not financially contributing
as much as I used to to our family. I imagine,
with all you do, you can't do all of the things.
How do you deal with that? And this, my friends,
is where I bring in the therapist. I can't take
it away. Well, I was thinking about when you're reading that.
I recently stopped teaching cycling, and one of the reasons
(15:25):
that I did that it was an accumulation of a
couple of things. But one of the reasons I did
that is because I also get stuck in the space
of I get really excited and when I do everything
is where I get and then once you get into something,
then you feel like a responsibility to it. And I
realized I can't do it all, and if I want
to do the things that I'm doing well, I have
to pick and choose because I guess technically some people
(15:47):
might say, well, I can juggle this and juggle that,
and it's like, well, what level are you really doing
it at, because maybe I have Let's just use this
for an easy example. Maybe there's ten things that I'm doing,
But am I doing all ten of those things at
ten so I can all fit them in? Versus well,
what if I'm doing three things and I can do
all of those things that a much higher percentage and
(16:08):
put much more energy to and I can actually be
more like satisfied with how I'm showing up in those
things because I'm not trying to do everything. Yes, and
that feels better to me. And Nikki, that's who the
emails from. You are doing this so that you can
focus more on your kids. And I think it's great
that you're thinking about your kids in the classroom. That's awesome,
(16:31):
But your kids at home this is something. This is
time that is valuable and precious. And I had to
alter the way I worked for my kids because I
wanted to be intentional with that time, and there was
things that I had to to move around and shift
and it wasn't fun. But then it's been the best
thing and that's the priority. And there's things I've let
(16:52):
go off financially too. You just have to listen to
yourself and try to figure out what is going to
be best for you and your family. And it sounds
like you've got that figured out. And while you're not
contributing financially, you know, I think your husband probably sees
the value in what you're doing with the other things
and that y'all will be fine. Yeah, And I have
(17:14):
to add this because I think this is a part
of it, because I think a lot of people probably
feel what you're feeling. That our culture sends a message
a lot of times that we can do it all.
Our culture sends a message that you can have it all.
I've seen become very toxic for a lot of people
that go after that. Mixed with social media and how
(17:35):
people portray them having it all and doing it all.
They're not a lot of times sending the picture of
the inside of their brain that feels all discombobulated because
they're trying to juggle everything. They're showing the pictures of
them succeeding at those things, So it messes with us.
I don't know anybody who can do everything that they
want to do all the time and do it at
(17:57):
a good level. I don't know anybody. So there, I
love that. Thank you for your expertise in that area.
All right, now onto the fourth thing that she shared.
I would be curious to hear about how you handled
your husband being in the military, especially during times when
the world is struggling. My husband is a police officer
who is also in the Air Force, and it seems
like there's something new every day. I don't watch the news,
(18:19):
but the news does seem to find me. Sometimes he's
going to be shifting from full time civilian police to
full time military, and I want to make sure that
I'm in the best place for myself mentally to support him. Okay,
Now a little backstory for anyone that's new. My husband
was in the Air Force when we got married, and
he was in for seven years of our marriage. He
(18:39):
was in twelve years himself pilot Air Force full time,
and we spent half of that time that he was
in deployed. And I say we because he was the
one there, but I was left back home. And so
I think that's the first thing as he shifts into
full time. I don't know, deployment is different for whatever
his position is in the Air Force or where he
might be going, but know that you've got to try
(19:01):
to prepare for the separation and just know that's part
of the job. He has zero control over that. It
seems like since he's part time Air Force now and
he's a police officer, you know that his life is
just not his own end of story. Some things that
he has to do or go or last minute things,
it's not his fault. So if you take it out
on him in any way, shape or form, that's just
never gonna be good. So that's where I say, start
(19:25):
building your team. Now. You may already have some other
wives that you are friends with or that are in
your community, but who are those people. Identify them now
and start pouring into those relationships and making those strong
so that you can vent to them in a way
and they get it because they know. Or maybe you
have to build it with someone who's doesn't have a
(19:47):
spouse in the military, but just someone that's a safe
space for you to vent, so that you're not venting
to your husband who already has or your wife whoever
it is that has an extremely stressful job to be
in the military or to be a police officer. I
can't even imagine the things you see and deal with
daily that then to hop on a call with your
(20:08):
spouse and then being met with like venting. My husband
always said he appreciated that about us. I found other
people to like, share things with, and then I started
to create a life of my own, and I made
sure that I stayed busy and I nurtured my life
back here so that he could go do what he
needed to do, especially as a pilot flying he needs
(20:30):
to concentrate. He's got certain missions, and he said that
he would see other military people that would just be
coming into work like, oh, I just hung up with
my wife and blah blah blah blah blah, or I
just got off with my husband. I keep saying wife
because that's my situation. I was the wife back home.
And he said that it would stress them out, and
then they it was hard sometimes for them to focus
(20:51):
because it almost give to compartmentalize and be like, Okay, well, God,
I can't think about that right now because I got
to focus on this task at hand, this mission. But literally,
lives are it's take if you're not in the right mindset.
So share daily happenings from home, like if he's going
to be away, especially away from your kids, Like sending
little updates without him having to ask is great. Like
(21:11):
I think photos and what an amazing thing that we
live in the time that we do when we have
people deployed in our lives, because like my mother in law,
her husband was in the Air Force and he was
at Vietnam and they used to have to record on
a cassette tape and then mail the cassette tape to
hear each other's voices. If they weren't able to do
phone calls, and of course there was no FaceTime, there
(21:33):
wasn't email, there was snail mail like handwritten notes. So
we're very, very lucky to be in a time where communication,
if it's allowed, you get to have that. Music is
another really great way to connect, like if he's busy,
like sending each other songs that make you think of
each other, and just learning about what he's doing as
(21:55):
much as you can and being able to talk with
him about it if he can. Sometimes what they do
you can't know about, but I don't know, get curious
and then he'll feel like, oh, okay, she's a part
of this, and maybe then he can talk to you
about certain things. Again, this is him her fife husband.
This could all of this could be vice versa. But
like maybe you try not to vent to him, but
(22:18):
then you could be a space where he could vent
to you. You're looking at me, weird say that again? Okay,
So I just had said, like we need to try
not to vent when they're deployed and doing certain things.
But like if he's able to talk on the phone
or come home from work and vent to you, like
that's good. But also you have to have healthy communications.
(22:38):
So I'm not saying keep all of your thoughts and
feelings and frustrations away. I'm just saying use discretion knowing
where are they right now? Where does their focus need
to be. Is this really the right time for me
to bring this up because their stress levels are already
so high? Does that make sense? That makes sense because
what you would be venting about. I thought it was
(22:59):
hell full when you said a lot of their job
is just out of their control, and like that's it.
A lot of times people will have frustrations about their spouse,
spouse or their partners jobs because of how they choose
to set up boundaries around them. But this would not
be that. This would be like they have no control
over what they can say yes and no too, So
when you're venting about that to them, they can't do
(23:21):
anything about it. So I do get that, and I
think that actually is helpful because I have never lived
that experience. Yeah, and I think that this could be
interchangeable with other careers, Like if you're having some issues
with time and connecting, just implement a few of these
things that I've said. There's way more, But for me,
the core things were making sure I had a life
(23:43):
of my own, staying busy, active, building friendships and community
outside of my husband, so that I had my support
and I had everything wasn't just all about him, and
my happiness wasn't contingent upon him because he wasn't around
that much. So those are my little tips. The song
one is good like that can brighten their day, like
(24:05):
just sending back and forth music. Music is so powerful.
It's such a fun way to connect. And then you
just have to be realistic about communication. There's times my
husband would leave for six ninety days and we couldn't
talk once and I would have no idea where he was. Yeah,
so scary. Alright. To wrap up the email, she said,
thanks for being y'all and sharing yourselves with us. Your
podcast does make a difference to someone like me just
(24:27):
trying to survive all the things right now, smiley face,
Thanks for reading my ramble your friend Nikki from Massachusetts.
Shout out Nikki, and shout out rambling. We love a
good ramble. If you ramble, you belong here. That should
be like part of like your tagline. If you ramble,
you belong Yeah. If you don't like rambler, yeah, it's fine.
(24:50):
Cat where can people find you on Instagram at cat
dot de fata and at you Need Therapy podcast and
that's the Instagram handle, but they should also live into
the podcast which is you Need Therapy Yes, and I'm
a radio Amy on Instagram. Listen Mother's Days this Sunday,
So if you haven't shopped well, you probably rush order
(25:11):
something from a spoa if you want to go check
it out. This is probably the final final day for
you to get something in time that is an amazing
gift that will give back to the moms in your
life and support new moms and babies in Haiti through
Project Meta Share in their maternity centers. We're trying to
fundraise a lot of money to pay for thirty dollar
birth kits. We want to buy hundreds of thirty dollar
(25:32):
birth kits to pass out to midwives in rule parts
of Haiti to deliver safe births and save lives. So
shop spoa dot com e sp W A SPA means
hope in Haitian creole got a tattooed on my wrist.
Both of my kids are from Haiti. It'll always be
a place near and dear to my heart. So if
(25:52):
you're looking for a gift shop ASPA has got you covered,
or you can give it to them belated. I'm just
wondering with shipping account for sure, when you'll get it,
get it, but you might get it in time. You
might do russhiping, or maybe you'll see your mom the
week after Mother's Day and you can be like, guess
what got you a gift? Better late than never, That's
what I like to say. Okay, Cat, well, thank you
(26:13):
for this episode, and I'm gonna try to do the
sign off, which is like, okay, well that's our show,
thank you, did you do it? It's a question time.
It's up in the air. People
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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