Amy and Kat respond to a listener voicemail from someone navigating a tough family dynamic: her mom struggles with alcohol, and she’s placed a firm boundary to protect her peace. But now, with her sister’s wedding approaching (and her mom invited!!) she’s trying to figure out how to support her sister without abandoning herself in the process. Kat talks through how to show up for her sister without abandoning herself and Amy shares the ‘HALT check-in’ + some mantras for emotional moments! Whether you’re dealing with a similar family dynamic or just trying to navigate tough spaces with grace, this episode can be a tool for your toolbox.
Email: heythere@feelingthingspodcast.com
Call and leave a voicemail: 877-207-2077
HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // @KatVanburen
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Good.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down.
Speaker 3 (00:05):
If you ever have feelings that you just won Amy
and Cat gotcha covin locking.
Speaker 4 (00:10):
No, brother, Ladies and folks, do you.
Speaker 5 (00:13):
Just follow an the spirit where it's all us front
over real stuff, tell the chill stuff and the m
but Swayne, Sometimes the best thing you can do it just.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Stop you feel things.
Speaker 6 (00:27):
This is Feeling Things with Amy and Kat. Happy Thursday.
Speaker 7 (00:30):
Welcome to Couch Talks the Q and a episode to
our Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 6 (00:34):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
And quick disclaimer before we get into today's question, which
happens to be a voicemail, Thank you that this podcast
does not serve as a replacement or a substitute for
any actual mental health services, even though we are answering
your questions and we do hope that it helps in
some way.
Speaker 7 (00:50):
Yeah, and this voicemail is anonymous. The color is although
you will hear her voice, we don't have a voice changer.
Or what if we said this is a voice changer.
Speaker 5 (01:00):
Oh yeah, scratch what I said. Yes, this is not
the actual voice.
Speaker 6 (01:03):
Yeah, this is a man hit it.
Speaker 7 (01:06):
Hi.
Speaker 8 (01:07):
Kat and Amy calling you today to talk a little
bit about something that you guys have touched on, but
I just is hoping maybe to get a little bit
of advice. I am in a.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
Situation where my mom is not in my life right now.
She's really struggled with drinking and it's impacted relationships and
family dynamics for a really long time, and now as
an adult with children, it just got to a point
where the best thing for my peace was to say,
(01:42):
this is my boundaries. If you're gonna be drinking, you
can't be in my life, his lives. Obviously not a
very light decision, but we are about to be faced
with a little bit of a situation that's given me anxiety.
Speaker 8 (01:58):
Because my little Si is getting married.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
And because she's going through this big event, made the
decision to sort of make amends and face for my
mom to be in her life. And I want to
be there and show up for my sister and her
big day. Obviously, I want my kids to be a
part of that special day. But I'm trying to figure
out how to navigate the boundaries I have in place
(02:22):
while also respecting what my sister is sooothing to do
and allowing her to have her day and be present
without making her feel uncomfortable or upset, but also not
letting myself feel uncomfortable or upset, and how to approach
that with the kids because I obviously cannot tide and
(02:42):
shelter them from that day and to who they will
be around, So trying to like have a conversation with
them and probably be helpful to know my kids are
nine and fifteen and seventeen. The older ones obviously know
a little bit more than the nine year old. So anyways,
long winded voicemail to just say, my feeling is a
(03:04):
lot of anxiety. I'm feeling very anxious about what to
do and how to be a supportive sister and be
there and there's so much fun pack with this, but
really just how to go about respecting everyone's boundaries on
that day so that it's still very special for my
sister and I can go through the day with as
much peace as possible. So any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Speaker 7 (03:29):
That's a lot I would feel anxious too, which again,
it's good to know what you're feeling so that way
you can try to figure out how to navigate the situation.
So it's good that you know that that's what you
have going on. That's information yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
What do I need comes from that. So the question
that I took from this is how do I show
up for, specifically my sister. If you're listening and this
isn't your exact situation, it can be how do I
show up for the people that I love without then
abandoning myself, Because that's what I'm hearing is this, I've
created these boundaries to help me and my family maintain
(04:05):
what we need, but not everybody has chosen those boundaries.
Speaker 7 (04:08):
And boundaries are so hard to set in the first place.
So if you've finally gotten there and there's been some peace,
and then there's something that's coming up that potentially feels
like it could knock the boundary down, and then if
you have to go put one back up again, and
then yeah, layering in the kids, it's a lot.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah, and yeah, I can feel the tug of I
want my sister to be happy and I want I
don't want to impact her day, and also like, I
know what I need too, so how do I balance that?
So the first thing that I would think about would
be you have we talked about this a lot. You
have the permission to change your mind at any point,
so you might decide this is okay with me, or
(04:51):
I'm going to try this, or I'm going to show
up and do this, and then that day might come
and you might say this isn't I can't.
Speaker 5 (04:59):
You have permission to ch in your mind.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
The more information you have, and sometimes the closer to
something like that we get, it feels like we have
more information because we have more feelings about it. So
you can say, I'm going to try to do this.
But I think a lot of times we are too
hard on ourselves and are like, if I'm going to
do this, I have to maintain my word. Sometimes it's
okay to break that because you have new information that
(05:21):
says this isn't good for me. So I'm really just saying,
be flexible with yourself. So don't feel like you have
to draw a line in the sands.
Speaker 5 (05:28):
Somewhere. Things can shift and you can go day by like,
take it day by day.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
The other part of this, I would say, I don't
know if I actually said this earlier, but with any
questions that we talk about, we're not.
Speaker 5 (05:40):
Able to really tell you what to do. No therapist
really is.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Going to be able to do that, but we can
help give you things to think about that then allow
you to have more information to figure out what you need.
So the other piece of information I would ask you
to just look at is finding some acceptance, like where
do I need to accept that things might be a
little muddy. I can stretch myself. Maybe this might be
(06:08):
a place for this one day. Yeah, I might be
able to stretch myself, and I still might have some
some of my personal boundaries up Therefore, that might cause
some feelings for your sister, Like your sister might think like, oh,
I wish that everybody could just be together and everybody
could forget about everything and we can all just that
might not be possible. So acceptance that there's not a
(06:28):
probably perfect scenario here. This is a messy, hard situation
and there's probably not a clean happy answer that feels
good to everybody. Somebody's gonna have a feeling about something
that might be uncomfortable. So acceptance that I'm looking for
some gray here.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
I'm not looking for black and white.
Speaker 6 (06:46):
We love the gray.
Speaker 7 (06:47):
Yeah, I have a huge appreciation for the gray. Going
through something with an alcoholic and one that is very
black and white. So that was kind of an interesting thing.
But one day at a time, is such a huge
even as you gear up for the wedding, every day
you're gonna have different feelings that pop up, or maybe
(07:09):
different ideas or thoughts or even trying to control the situation.
Like I was thinking, what I might do is like
ask my sister, Hey, I know, maybe if you're allowing
mom to come and y'all are rekindled, but.
Speaker 6 (07:19):
Is she allowed to drink at the wedding sort of thing.
Speaker 7 (07:22):
We can't do that, but that's what part of me
wants to do that, or old me if I was
more in like a controlling phase, might be like, Okay,
well I will come. I'm fine with you having Mom there,
but is there a way we can make sure she's
not going to drink, because that's not up to y'all,
and that's going to have to be up to the
mom to decide if she can do that for the evening,
(07:44):
just to kind of at least keep the peace, because
again another thing with emails and voicemails, we don't know
all the circumstances and situations that led to the boundaries,
and there could have been some very dramatic, painful, hurtful
things that led to the boundaries, which knowing that you're
walking into a situation where some of that could happen again.
It's like, no way, I don't want to put myself
in that situation or my kid. But also I want
(08:05):
to see my little sister get married. So just know
you cannot control the situation. Even though that's what I
would want to do, you can't do it, and you
have the urge. You can't help the urge, But just
acknowledge the urge and be like, Okay, not my place.
Speaker 6 (08:19):
I can't control that.
Speaker 7 (08:19):
All I can control is how I respond if that happens,
and what is my plan if that happens. Go ahead
and have an exit plan, and you can go ahead
and share with your sister of like, hey, I'm going
to give this a go. I want to be there
for you. I'm also letting you know, and I don't
know how you feel about this, but this is what
I would do. I'm also letting you know that I'm
looking at you cat the therapist. Sometimes I'm like giving
(08:41):
my normal person Layman's terms advice and therapeutically. I don't
know if it's the wisest, but I would have a
plan and have that discussion with your sister prior, and
if she's walked alongside you with this and she had
similar boundaries but she's opened them up for her wedding,
then hopefully she will understand where you're coming from and
that if at any point you need to leave, you're
(09:04):
going to do that. And that's just for peace for everybody,
and the sisters shouldn't be offended by it. Take it personally,
but you may just need to. Like you showed up,
you tried, and like you said, Kat, you have the
right to also change your mind, but you don't want
to cause a scene. You're not trying to be dramatic.
You'll just make a peaceful exit. We're assuming that's your personality.
(09:26):
We don't know you, but we're assuming. Something we've talked
about on the podcast before, like last month or so,
was something that I picked up from I hear it
in the alan On rooms, which I'll suggest that if
you haven't gone to an allan On meeting ever, maybe
you have, but it's for loved ones of alcoholics, and
(09:47):
you have a qualifier, you could go again. My qualifier
was very black and white, but once we started to
understand some of the gray and the nuance, it was
very helpful, and I loved all the little I would get.
But something I heard from my it was like an
interventions like a I guess she's a therapist. I'm not
(10:07):
quite sure, but she's the one that first spoke it
to me of detached with love. And I hear it
in the alan on rooms too, and sounds like you've
already had to do some of that and you may
just need to keep that your mantra of like this
isn't anything I'm not doing anything bad personal to my sister.
(10:28):
I'm having to detach from this situation with love because
I'm protecting my self, my peace, everything I've worked for
to create this boundary, my children, my family. So you
detach with love, it doesn't mean you don't care about
the people. So one day at a time, detach with
love and keep it simple. Be of that in the
(10:49):
rooms a lot. Yeah, keep it simple.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
This is what I need. If that can't be met,
then I have to make a game plan for myself.
I don't know if she was asking if she should
have a conversation with her sister, but that if your
sister's open to that, then that would be something I
would think about. What do I want my sister to
know about the situation. What would be helpful. So I
am gonna go. If something happens, it probably would make
(11:13):
me feel better that I've already told her, Hey, if
this happens, we're going to quietly go. Or I can
be there, but I don't know that I can sit
at the same table as her, Like there's little things
so you can do that that maybe she'll say no
if you're coming or sitting with her, and then you
can make a decision, or she'll be like, oh, totally,
thank you for letting me know that you need that.
Speaker 7 (11:31):
Yeah, I hope you have the relationship where you could
have a conversation. And I will say if you do
have a conversation or don't, or when you show up
to the wedding practice halt.
Speaker 6 (11:42):
That's another thing that comes.
Speaker 5 (11:43):
Up, especially on a busy day like that.
Speaker 7 (11:44):
Alan on a lot and this halts an acronym that
a lot of people use. But check in with yourself
if you're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, halt. If you
are any of those four things. Do not have a
conversation with anybody until you have addressed one.
Speaker 6 (12:00):
Of the four or four of the four. Maybe you
have all of them.
Speaker 7 (12:03):
You just need to check in with yourself and before
you go to the event, just halt, halt yourself.
Speaker 6 (12:11):
Are you hungry?
Speaker 5 (12:11):
Eat something?
Speaker 6 (12:12):
Are you angry?
Speaker 5 (12:14):
Scream me to a pillow.
Speaker 6 (12:15):
Yeah, yeah, you probably are angry.
Speaker 7 (12:18):
Honestly, I would imagine walking into it, but just be like, Hey, anger,
I know you're there.
Speaker 6 (12:23):
Let's deal with you later. I gotta go be there
for my sister.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Hey, anger, If you know where it's coming from, it
might be saying like you deserve because anger is a
justice emotion, so it could be there to help you
feel empowered versus make you be mean.
Speaker 7 (12:37):
I love that, Hey, Anger, thank you for being here.
You're right, Yeah, you're Yeah, I feel empowered. Yeah, so angry?
Speaker 6 (12:43):
Halt lonely if you're feeling lonely, Yeah, talk to your friend, Yeah,
huck your kids.
Speaker 5 (12:50):
I also know that. I mean, you're not alone. You're
talking about how you relate to some of.
Speaker 6 (12:53):
This, Yeah, well, I guarantee you.
Speaker 7 (12:55):
There's so many listeners that can relate to this and
are in similar situations. It may not be their sister's wed,
but it's another thing, and they're trying to figure out
how to navigate like being with someone they've had to
set a boundary with tired. If you're tired, make sure
you get plenty of rest before the wedding. Yes, I'm
going to add a w I never heard this one
(13:17):
done before. The acronym it's normally just halt, but we're
gonna do halt.
Speaker 8 (13:23):
Water.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Oh, drink water, or it can be hault halts halt
wet's so start with water.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
So I think I like qualt better than halt wah
because I just think sometimes water can be very helpful.
Speaker 7 (13:44):
And maybe choose how you want to show up to
the wedding, because I'm kind of thinking through like then
I might be like if I'm nervous and anxious and
I still drink, like if I don't have a problem
with alcohol, But then maybe I'm like, oh, okay, I'm
gonna have a few drinks. Which maybe that's fine. You
could or you could have a talk with yourself and
really figure out what's gonna be best for your your
whole being.
Speaker 6 (13:59):
And it's maybe that you drink water.
Speaker 7 (14:01):
Talked so fast, you know what I mean, because sometimes
alcohol might make it worse.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Yeah, I was just hyper focused on the fact that
it could just be like halts thirsty?
Speaker 6 (14:12):
Are you halts?
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Oh?
Speaker 8 (14:14):
Are you tired? Right?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Hot? Are you fault thirsty, hungry, dehydrated? Okay, how can
we make this work? Halt, fault, falt, thirsty, thirsty, hungry, hungry.
Speaker 5 (14:28):
I think the whole point is like halt is like stop.
So I think I get it.
Speaker 6 (14:33):
I know that's why halt or halt. Okay, fine, whatever.
Speaker 5 (14:38):
Whatever one you like.
Speaker 7 (14:39):
Yeah, Hey, this is one of the things you get
to choose what works for you. Take it or leave it.
But I do think use the halt. It comes in
handy all the time in any kind of.
Speaker 5 (14:50):
Take it or leave it, but take this one.
Speaker 7 (14:51):
But you also keep it simple and detach with love
and one day at a time. This is totally just
like advice, but you better use it. I promise it'll
come in handy.
Speaker 6 (15:02):
Keep them in your back bucket. Okay, Okay, thank you
for the voicemail.
Speaker 5 (15:06):
Yeah, thanks for the voicemail.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
If you want to send a question, you can send
it to Hey there at Feeling Things podcast dot com
putting couch talks in the subject very helpful, or you
can leave the voicemail eight seven seven seven.
Speaker 7 (15:19):
Two seven seven nailed it eight seven seven two o
seven to two oh seven seven. Store that in your phone.
Oh my gosh, program us on your phone. What if
people put us in their phone? I mean, I don't
know anybody that would call more than once, but if
you want to, you can.
Speaker 6 (15:33):
But what if they save us in their.
Speaker 7 (15:34):
Phonet case in case you ever need to leave a voicemail.
You'll be under feeling things.
Speaker 5 (15:39):
And they could call us twice. They might call to
give us an update.
Speaker 7 (15:42):
Oh yeah, we would love an update. If there's any updates,
I ad any give it.
Speaker 5 (15:46):
Let's know how the wedding goes.
Speaker 7 (15:47):
Yeah, all right, I'm going to sign off with hat
a halt and have the day you need to have.
Speaker 6 (15:54):
Bye bye
Good.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
All right, break it down.
Speaker 3 (00:05):
If you ever have feelings that you just won Amy
and Cat gotcha covin locking.
Speaker 4 (00:10):
No, brother, Ladies and folks, do you.
Speaker 5 (00:13):
Just follow an the spirit where it's all us front
over real stuff, tell the chill stuff and the m
but Swayne, Sometimes the best thing you can do it just.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Stop you feel things.
Speaker 6 (00:27):
This is Feeling Things with Amy and Kat. Happy Thursday.
Speaker 7 (00:30):
Welcome to Couch Talks the Q and a episode to
our Feeling Things podcast.
Speaker 6 (00:34):
I'm Amy and I'm Kat.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
And quick disclaimer before we get into today's question, which
happens to be a voicemail, Thank you that this podcast
does not serve as a replacement or a substitute for
any actual mental health services, even though we are answering
your questions and we do hope that it helps in
some way.
Speaker 7 (00:50):
Yeah, and this voicemail is anonymous. The color is although
you will hear her voice, we don't have a voice changer.
Or what if we said this is a voice changer.
Speaker 5 (01:00):
Oh yeah, scratch what I said. Yes, this is not
the actual voice.
Speaker 6 (01:03):
Yeah, this is a man hit it.
Speaker 7 (01:06):
Hi.
Speaker 8 (01:07):
Kat and Amy calling you today to talk a little
bit about something that you guys have touched on, but
I just is hoping maybe to get a little bit
of advice. I am in a.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
Situation where my mom is not in my life right now.
She's really struggled with drinking and it's impacted relationships and
family dynamics for a really long time, and now as
an adult with children, it just got to a point
where the best thing for my peace was to say,
(01:42):
this is my boundaries. If you're gonna be drinking, you
can't be in my life, his lives. Obviously not a
very light decision, but we are about to be faced
with a little bit of a situation that's given me anxiety.
Speaker 8 (01:58):
Because my little Si is getting married.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
And because she's going through this big event, made the
decision to sort of make amends and face for my
mom to be in her life. And I want to
be there and show up for my sister and her
big day. Obviously, I want my kids to be a
part of that special day. But I'm trying to figure
out how to navigate the boundaries I have in place
(02:22):
while also respecting what my sister is sooothing to do
and allowing her to have her day and be present
without making her feel uncomfortable or upset, but also not
letting myself feel uncomfortable or upset, and how to approach
that with the kids because I obviously cannot tide and
(02:42):
shelter them from that day and to who they will
be around, So trying to like have a conversation with
them and probably be helpful to know my kids are
nine and fifteen and seventeen. The older ones obviously know
a little bit more than the nine year old. So anyways,
long winded voicemail to just say, my feeling is a
(03:04):
lot of anxiety. I'm feeling very anxious about what to
do and how to be a supportive sister and be
there and there's so much fun pack with this, but
really just how to go about respecting everyone's boundaries on
that day so that it's still very special for my
sister and I can go through the day with as
much peace as possible. So any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Speaker 7 (03:29):
That's a lot I would feel anxious too, which again,
it's good to know what you're feeling so that way
you can try to figure out how to navigate the situation.
So it's good that you know that that's what you
have going on. That's information yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
What do I need comes from that. So the question
that I took from this is how do I show
up for, specifically my sister. If you're listening and this
isn't your exact situation, it can be how do I
show up for the people that I love without then
abandoning myself, Because that's what I'm hearing is this, I've
created these boundaries to help me and my family maintain
(04:05):
what we need, but not everybody has chosen those boundaries.
Speaker 7 (04:08):
And boundaries are so hard to set in the first place.
So if you've finally gotten there and there's been some peace,
and then there's something that's coming up that potentially feels
like it could knock the boundary down, and then if
you have to go put one back up again, and
then yeah, layering in the kids, it's a lot.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah, and yeah, I can feel the tug of I
want my sister to be happy and I want I
don't want to impact her day, and also like, I
know what I need too, so how do I balance that?
So the first thing that I would think about would
be you have we talked about this a lot. You
have the permission to change your mind at any point,
so you might decide this is okay with me, or
(04:51):
I'm going to try this, or I'm going to show
up and do this, and then that day might come
and you might say this isn't I can't.
Speaker 5 (04:59):
You have permission to ch in your mind.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
The more information you have, and sometimes the closer to
something like that we get, it feels like we have
more information because we have more feelings about it. So
you can say, I'm going to try to do this.
But I think a lot of times we are too
hard on ourselves and are like, if I'm going to
do this, I have to maintain my word. Sometimes it's
okay to break that because you have new information that
(05:21):
says this isn't good for me. So I'm really just saying,
be flexible with yourself. So don't feel like you have
to draw a line in the sands.
Speaker 5 (05:28):
Somewhere. Things can shift and you can go day by like,
take it day by day.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
The other part of this, I would say, I don't
know if I actually said this earlier, but with any
questions that we talk about, we're not.
Speaker 5 (05:40):
Able to really tell you what to do. No therapist
really is.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Going to be able to do that, but we can
help give you things to think about that then allow
you to have more information to figure out what you need.
So the other piece of information I would ask you
to just look at is finding some acceptance, like where
do I need to accept that things might be a
little muddy. I can stretch myself. Maybe this might be
(06:08):
a place for this one day. Yeah, I might be
able to stretch myself, and I still might have some
some of my personal boundaries up Therefore, that might cause
some feelings for your sister, Like your sister might think like, oh,
I wish that everybody could just be together and everybody
could forget about everything and we can all just that
might not be possible. So acceptance that there's not a
(06:28):
probably perfect scenario here. This is a messy, hard situation
and there's probably not a clean happy answer that feels
good to everybody. Somebody's gonna have a feeling about something
that might be uncomfortable. So acceptance that I'm looking for
some gray here.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
I'm not looking for black and white.
Speaker 6 (06:46):
We love the gray.
Speaker 7 (06:47):
Yeah, I have a huge appreciation for the gray. Going
through something with an alcoholic and one that is very
black and white. So that was kind of an interesting thing.
But one day at a time, is such a huge
even as you gear up for the wedding, every day
you're gonna have different feelings that pop up, or maybe
(07:09):
different ideas or thoughts or even trying to control the situation.
Like I was thinking, what I might do is like
ask my sister, Hey, I know, maybe if you're allowing
mom to come and y'all are rekindled, but.
Speaker 6 (07:19):
Is she allowed to drink at the wedding sort of thing.
Speaker 7 (07:22):
We can't do that, but that's what part of me
wants to do that, or old me if I was
more in like a controlling phase, might be like, Okay,
well I will come. I'm fine with you having Mom there,
but is there a way we can make sure she's
not going to drink, because that's not up to y'all,
and that's going to have to be up to the
mom to decide if she can do that for the evening,
(07:44):
just to kind of at least keep the peace, because
again another thing with emails and voicemails, we don't know
all the circumstances and situations that led to the boundaries,
and there could have been some very dramatic, painful, hurtful
things that led to the boundaries, which knowing that you're
walking into a situation where some of that could happen again.
It's like, no way, I don't want to put myself
in that situation or my kid. But also I want
(08:05):
to see my little sister get married. So just know
you cannot control the situation. Even though that's what I
would want to do, you can't do it, and you
have the urge. You can't help the urge, But just
acknowledge the urge and be like, Okay, not my place.
Speaker 6 (08:19):
I can't control that.
Speaker 7 (08:19):
All I can control is how I respond if that happens,
and what is my plan if that happens. Go ahead
and have an exit plan, and you can go ahead
and share with your sister of like, hey, I'm going
to give this a go. I want to be there
for you. I'm also letting you know, and I don't
know how you feel about this, but this is what
I would do. I'm also letting you know that I'm
looking at you cat the therapist. Sometimes I'm like giving
(08:41):
my normal person Layman's terms advice and therapeutically. I don't
know if it's the wisest, but I would have a
plan and have that discussion with your sister prior, and
if she's walked alongside you with this and she had
similar boundaries but she's opened them up for her wedding,
then hopefully she will understand where you're coming from and
that if at any point you need to leave, you're
(09:04):
going to do that. And that's just for peace for everybody,
and the sisters shouldn't be offended by it. Take it personally,
but you may just need to. Like you showed up,
you tried, and like you said, Kat, you have the
right to also change your mind, but you don't want
to cause a scene. You're not trying to be dramatic.
You'll just make a peaceful exit. We're assuming that's your personality.
(09:26):
We don't know you, but we're assuming. Something we've talked
about on the podcast before, like last month or so,
was something that I picked up from I hear it
in the alan On rooms, which I'll suggest that if
you haven't gone to an allan On meeting ever, maybe
you have, but it's for loved ones of alcoholics, and
(09:47):
you have a qualifier, you could go again. My qualifier
was very black and white, but once we started to
understand some of the gray and the nuance, it was
very helpful, and I loved all the little I would get.
But something I heard from my it was like an
interventions like a I guess she's a therapist. I'm not
(10:07):
quite sure, but she's the one that first spoke it
to me of detached with love. And I hear it
in the alan on rooms too, and sounds like you've
already had to do some of that and you may
just need to keep that your mantra of like this
isn't anything I'm not doing anything bad personal to my sister.
(10:28):
I'm having to detach from this situation with love because
I'm protecting my self, my peace, everything I've worked for
to create this boundary, my children, my family. So you
detach with love, it doesn't mean you don't care about
the people. So one day at a time, detach with
love and keep it simple. Be of that in the
(10:49):
rooms a lot. Yeah, keep it simple.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
This is what I need. If that can't be met,
then I have to make a game plan for myself.
I don't know if she was asking if she should
have a conversation with her sister, but that if your
sister's open to that, then that would be something I
would think about. What do I want my sister to
know about the situation. What would be helpful. So I
am gonna go. If something happens, it probably would make
(11:13):
me feel better that I've already told her, Hey, if
this happens, we're going to quietly go. Or I can
be there, but I don't know that I can sit
at the same table as her, Like there's little things
so you can do that that maybe she'll say no
if you're coming or sitting with her, and then you
can make a decision, or she'll be like, oh, totally,
thank you for letting me know that you need that.
Speaker 7 (11:31):
Yeah, I hope you have the relationship where you could
have a conversation. And I will say if you do
have a conversation or don't, or when you show up
to the wedding practice halt.
Speaker 6 (11:42):
That's another thing that comes.
Speaker 5 (11:43):
Up, especially on a busy day like that.
Speaker 7 (11:44):
Alan on a lot and this halts an acronym that
a lot of people use. But check in with yourself
if you're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, halt. If you
are any of those four things. Do not have a
conversation with anybody until you have addressed one.
Speaker 6 (12:00):
Of the four or four of the four. Maybe you
have all of them.
Speaker 7 (12:03):
You just need to check in with yourself and before
you go to the event, just halt, halt yourself.
Speaker 6 (12:11):
Are you hungry?
Speaker 5 (12:11):
Eat something?
Speaker 6 (12:12):
Are you angry?
Speaker 5 (12:14):
Scream me to a pillow.
Speaker 6 (12:15):
Yeah, yeah, you probably are angry.
Speaker 7 (12:18):
Honestly, I would imagine walking into it, but just be like, Hey, anger,
I know you're there.
Speaker 6 (12:23):
Let's deal with you later. I gotta go be there
for my sister.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Hey, anger, If you know where it's coming from, it
might be saying like you deserve because anger is a
justice emotion, so it could be there to help you
feel empowered versus make you be mean.
Speaker 7 (12:37):
I love that, Hey, Anger, thank you for being here.
You're right, Yeah, you're Yeah, I feel empowered. Yeah, so angry?
Speaker 6 (12:43):
Halt lonely if you're feeling lonely, Yeah, talk to your friend, Yeah,
huck your kids.
Speaker 5 (12:50):
I also know that. I mean, you're not alone. You're
talking about how you relate to some of.
Speaker 6 (12:53):
This, Yeah, well, I guarantee you.
Speaker 7 (12:55):
There's so many listeners that can relate to this and
are in similar situations. It may not be their sister's wed,
but it's another thing, and they're trying to figure out
how to navigate like being with someone they've had to
set a boundary with tired. If you're tired, make sure
you get plenty of rest before the wedding. Yes, I'm
going to add a w I never heard this one
(13:17):
done before. The acronym it's normally just halt, but we're
gonna do halt.
Speaker 8 (13:23):
Water.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Oh, drink water, or it can be hault halts halt
wet's so start with water.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
So I think I like qualt better than halt wah
because I just think sometimes water can be very helpful.
Speaker 7 (13:44):
And maybe choose how you want to show up to
the wedding, because I'm kind of thinking through like then
I might be like if I'm nervous and anxious and
I still drink, like if I don't have a problem
with alcohol, But then maybe I'm like, oh, okay, I'm
gonna have a few drinks. Which maybe that's fine. You
could or you could have a talk with yourself and
really figure out what's gonna be best for your your
whole being.
Speaker 6 (13:59):
And it's maybe that you drink water.
Speaker 7 (14:01):
Talked so fast, you know what I mean, because sometimes
alcohol might make it worse.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Yeah, I was just hyper focused on the fact that
it could just be like halts thirsty?
Speaker 6 (14:12):
Are you halts?
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Oh?
Speaker 8 (14:14):
Are you tired? Right?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Hot? Are you fault thirsty, hungry, dehydrated? Okay, how can
we make this work? Halt, fault, falt, thirsty, thirsty, hungry, hungry.
Speaker 5 (14:28):
I think the whole point is like halt is like stop.
So I think I get it.
Speaker 6 (14:33):
I know that's why halt or halt. Okay, fine, whatever.
Speaker 5 (14:38):
Whatever one you like.
Speaker 7 (14:39):
Yeah, Hey, this is one of the things you get
to choose what works for you. Take it or leave it.
But I do think use the halt. It comes in
handy all the time in any kind of.
Speaker 5 (14:50):
Take it or leave it, but take this one.
Speaker 7 (14:51):
But you also keep it simple and detach with love
and one day at a time. This is totally just
like advice, but you better use it. I promise it'll
come in handy.
Speaker 6 (15:02):
Keep them in your back bucket. Okay, Okay, thank you
for the voicemail.
Speaker 5 (15:06):
Yeah, thanks for the voicemail.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
If you want to send a question, you can send
it to Hey there at Feeling Things podcast dot com
putting couch talks in the subject very helpful, or you
can leave the voicemail eight seven seven seven.
Speaker 7 (15:19):
Two seven seven nailed it eight seven seven two o
seven to two oh seven seven. Store that in your phone.
Oh my gosh, program us on your phone. What if
people put us in their phone? I mean, I don't
know anybody that would call more than once, but if
you want to, you can.
Speaker 6 (15:33):
But what if they save us in their.
Speaker 7 (15:34):
Phonet case in case you ever need to leave a voicemail.
You'll be under feeling things.
Speaker 5 (15:39):
And they could call us twice. They might call to
give us an update.
Speaker 7 (15:42):
Oh yeah, we would love an update. If there's any updates,
I ad any give it.
Speaker 5 (15:46):
Let's know how the wedding goes.
Speaker 7 (15:47):
Yeah, all right, I'm going to sign off with hat
a halt and have the day you need to have.
Speaker 6 (15:54):
Bye bye
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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