Getting Real with Alyssa Blask Campbell about Big Kids and Bigger Feelings

Alyssa Blask Campbell is back with her brand-new book Big Kids, Bigger Emotions, the ultimate guide for navigating kids from 5–12 years with empathy and confidence. We got into all the good parenting advice — from handling meltdowns and defiance to building emotional intelligence and setting healthy boundaries without shame. Alyssa, the founder of Seed and Sew and host of the Voices of Your Village podcast, blends brain science with practical tools to help parents respond with intention, not reactivity. Her wisdom will change the way you see your child’s big feelings — not as problems to fix, but invitations to connect.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Cary Lone. She's a queen and talking and solemn. She's
getting really not afraid to feel.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
Its episode, so just let it flow. No one can
do we quiet cary Lone is sounding care lound.

Speaker 3 (00:28):
I'm so excited to be here with Alyssa Blask Campbell.
You are a best selling author of Tiny Humans, Big Emotions,
and your next book is in my hands. It is
fresh off the press, Big Kids, Bigger Feelings. Honestly you
also you have the Seed and Sow, which is an

(00:49):
incredible Instagram page.

Speaker 1 (00:51):
Is there?

Speaker 3 (00:51):
Is it just offering facts? Because I have gone on
there and found so much information and I'm like, how
do you know all these things? I feel like it's
in a extension of your books, Like your books give
you all this information, and then you go to Seed
and Sewed and it's like you get these bite size
bits of just like amazing nourishment for the brain for parents.

Speaker 1 (01:12):
Thank you. Yeah. I started Seed in twenty eighteen after
my research ended, because I did research and building emotional
intelligence and kids, and it just started sharing about what
we found in the research and what it was showing
and all that, and it just kind of blew up
from there and now We're a team of twelve over
at Seed and it's a multidisciplinary teams. We have like speech,

(01:33):
langage pathologists and all different disciplines within the team, and
we are bread and butter. What we do mainly actually
is support schools and childcare programs and family childcare providers.
With this, we have like a professional development program and
coaching program for teachers, and then we support parents with

(01:53):
like our books and our podcast, and we have courses
for families as well.

Speaker 2 (01:58):
I mean, it is so much incredible information.

Speaker 3 (02:01):
And your podcast is Voices of your Village, and I
love that this is I feel like, is this sort
of like your mission statement. You strive to change the
way adults experience children's emotions so we can respond with
intention to raise emotionally intelligent humans.

Speaker 1 (02:17):
That's right. Yeah, that's what our research was really focused
on and was my favorite finding from the research. It's
not that when we're building kids' emotional intelligence they stop
have heart feelings. Like, they're still going to have heart feelings.
They're still going to feel sad, they're going to fee
left out, they're going to feel disappointed, they're going to
feel anxious. Our goal was to look at how do
we shift the adults experience of that child's emotion so

(02:41):
that you can respond with intention in the same way
that Man, it was easier for me as a teacher
to respond with intention to the kids than it is
with my own kids. And it's easier for me to
respond to my friend Kylie's kids with intention than it
is with my own kids. And so we're really looking
at what happens there and how do we change your

(03:02):
experience of their emotion so that it doesn't feel so personal,
so that it doesn't feel like such an attack on you,
so that they don't feel like, oh, man, I got
to get this right, or they're going to be sixteen
and have no friends and no one's going to hang
out with them, and they're never going to get a job,
and they're going to live in my basement for the
rest of their life, which we can so easily go
to when we're the parent.

Speaker 2 (03:22):
I love so much of this book.

Speaker 3 (03:24):
I want to start off with a few points that
I have just because I have been working so hard
on myself, Like becoming a parent has made me realize
my gaping areas that need help, you know, because I
have felt this way for so long. It is not
my daughter's job to regulate me, you know. Like I

(03:46):
feel like the biggest, the biggest issue is like parents
figuring out how to regulate themselves. So when your kid
does have a big reaction, or does have a big
feeling or does something that is like you say, big kids,
bigger feelings, tiny humans and big emotions, Like when they
have these big bouts, it doesn't trigger us and we
don't energy match them, you know, because I feel like

(04:07):
that has been my biggest lesson in general is just
do not every with humans in general, do not energy match,
but especially with my daughter, do not energy match her
when she is having a big feeling. It is my
job to center myself and calm down and to figure
out the root of why this is happening.

Speaker 2 (04:22):
But I feel like this is so new for parents
this day.

Speaker 3 (04:25):
And age, and you talk about this, and I want
to kind of start with this because I feel like
this is so great.

Speaker 2 (04:31):
The different types.

Speaker 3 (04:32):
I think this is in maybe it's in chapter one
right in the beginning. You talk about the different types
of attachment theories with parents, and there is the secure attachment,
there is the avoidant attachment. So secure attachment, you say,
is means you feel like you can turn to your
parents and hand with hard stuff and they can handle it.
Avoidant attachment happens when you have parents who constantly respond

(04:54):
in a way that is anxious, cold, or dismissive. Resistance
is attached is marked by inconsistently you aren't sure if
your parents will be warm or welcoming or anxious or
cold or dismissive. And disorganize attachment occurs when your parents
or primary caregivers are a threat to your safety and
then you kind of keep going. And you talk about
like obedience culture and how that was, like how so

(05:16):
many of us were raised with obedience culture where you
just have to obey your parents, do not be heard,
do not be seen, just do what you're supposed to do,
and that has so many of us were raised that
way because our parents just you know, yeah, and they
just didn't know any better, you know, and they were
raised that way. But we are realizing, and you are

(05:39):
like leading the way that this is really that is
really not effective for the long haul.

Speaker 1 (05:46):
It's not It's not effective in a couple ways. And
I think there's something that we can kind of parse
out from obedience culture because when I think about things
I got from my childhood. There are some things that
under that umbrella that I actually do want to pass on,
Like for me, respect feels really important. I want my

(06:06):
kids to have respect for each other, to have respect
for the humans around them, and that in my household
growing up, was all put under that same umbrella of obedience.
It was you're going to respect your teachers, you're going
to respect your elders, you're going to respect your parents.
And that came to me, you you're going to listen
to them and obey what they say because I said so,
no matter matter what, no matter what. And that is

(06:31):
where I start to differ, where I say, okay, yeah,
sometimes they're going to ask why when I say this
is a rule, and I just got the because I
said so, and I'm here to say, yeah, you can
ask me why. And sometimes I just the other day,
this happened with my son where there was a situation

(06:51):
happening in the neighborhood and I set a boundary and
he was like, okay, but why And I was like well,
and I gave an example a respec and he was like,
but we aren't doing that because I was like, well,
it might get to this point like this is what
I'm afraid of, and he was like, yeah, but we're
not doing that, and I was like, for sure, right now,
you're not. What I know with my adult brain is

(07:13):
that sometimes things start playfully and fun when you're doing
it like this, and then it starts to not be
fun for some people. And some people are still learning
how to say I'm not having a good time with
this anymore, or this isn't a fun game for me,
and so we're going to press pause and playing this
game until everyone knows how to say that, how to
say I'm not having fun or this isn't a good

(07:34):
time for me. And he was like, okay, that makes sense.
But had we not had that conversation, he probably would
have been like okay, mom and then gone back into
the neighborhood and just continue to play this game behind
my back and lied about it and been sneaking until
maybe at one point he got caught or maybe he didn't.
And then I'm annoyed because I'm like, we already talked
about this, What are you doing? This is so disrespectful.

(07:56):
You know the rules. And if I didn't break down
for him, if I don't give him the why and
bring him into the fold on this why. Giving the
why it's huge, it's so huge. Then we're just setting
them up to lie because there are so many reasons
kids lie. I did it so much as a teenager.
And sometimes it was because I'm going to get in

(08:17):
trouble for this thing if I tell them the truth.
Sometimes it was oh, because I think that this is
not an important rule and I'm just gonna not follow it.
Sometimes it's curiosity. Sometimes it's embarrassment, like if you farted
in a group of people and you're like, yeah, it
wasn't me. For sure, it wasn't me. Adults still lie
to this day, and when we say things like oh, yeah, no,

(08:40):
I can't make it. I have this appointment, and really
it's yeah, my appointment is curling up on the couch
and doing nothing tonight, right like it is, it's gonna happen.
And so for me, I'm just looking at how do
I set our relationship up for the most success so
that we can have that secure attachment, so that my
kids can say, hey, mom, I know that I wasn't

(09:02):
supposed to do this, and I did it because I
was curious, and now I don't know what to do next.
And if they're afraid that they're going to be in trouble,
if they're afraid that I'm gonna yell at them that
I'm gonna punish them, They're not gonna come and tell
me that and look for help when they really need it.

Speaker 2 (09:20):
That is so true.

Speaker 3 (09:22):
And I love that you said getting to the why,
because don't we want to know the why as adults.
I feel like in the past, with like obedience parenting,
it's like we don't give our kids the respect of
explaining to them because they're just kids and they just
have to.

Speaker 2 (09:38):
Do what we say.

Speaker 3 (09:39):
But if we don't explain to them, then they're never
going to know the reasoning. And like you said, as
soon as you get to.

Speaker 2 (09:44):
The root of it, it makes sense, you know.

Speaker 3 (09:47):
And they can and then they can understand it and
they don't feel like they're just getting something taken away
from them. They actually make sense. But I feel like
so many parents either don't know how and you say this,
what do you say? Oh gosh, I have so many
you know it's written down, But you said something love that.

Speaker 2 (10:04):
You can't teach something you don't know.

Speaker 3 (10:06):
Is that how you said that, like, you can't teach
what you haven't practiced. And I feel like so many
parents haven't practiced getting to the why themselves, or haven't
practiced like getting to the root cause of why they
feel something, and they don't want to spend the time
and the energy that it takes to go through all this,
because it does take so much energy to explain something
and all the questions and kids have so many questions.

(10:27):
But if we don't then there, then all these other
things are going to happen, like the lying, and then
they're not going to feel safe, and then they're not
going to come to you, and then it's like a
ripple effect. What is the ripple effect if we don't
feel like our kids can come to us because they're scared?

Speaker 1 (10:42):
Oh na, I mean there's a bunch of them. But
when I think about the time first of all, that
we're putting into it. You're putting time in somewhere. Why
are you either putting time in on the back end
when they're caught and now they're punished and there whatever,
and you're spending that time, or we're putting time in
at the front where we're explaining the why or what
not and it is annoying. I think it's also really

(11:03):
important to say that a lot of doing things that
we haven't had done for us before, so we're like
learning them on the fly. It's annoying, it's inconvenient. I'm
not like, you know what, I have spare time in
my day to explain the why to you. And so
recognizing that as well that when my son comes and
he's like, yeah, but why, there's a part of me

(11:24):
that's like, can you just for onun just do it
everything holy, just do the thing without the why. Like
that's real too, And so it's not like I'm walking
through the earth and I'm like, oh my gosh, this
is so easy and lovely and blissful and so bearing
in mind that too, that you're going to have a reaction.
Your body's also going to be annoyed sometimes, and we

(11:47):
can honor that. We can say like, oh man, sometimes
when I'm really busy and I'm trying to do all
these things and you want to know the why to everything,
sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I'm going to explain this to
you in a minute. Let me finish dinner, and then
we'll come back and about this.

Speaker 3 (12:01):
You know, he can cause is you are aware enough
to catch your own disregulation, you know. And I think
that is what so many of us parents do not do,
is we don't ever take accountability for our role in it,
which when we're disregulated and we then react to something
that disregulates us from our kid, and then we now

(12:22):
give them an energy that's not fair because we're not regulated.

Speaker 1 (12:26):
Correct, that's right, and you're gonna do it sometimes, like
there's no perfection. The other day on the way to school,
the kids were just like at each other. It's beginning
of the school year, all that jazz. And I yelled
at my son and was like, why are you being
rude to everyone around you? And he goes, actually, Mom,
that was rude of you. I was like, oh my.

Speaker 2 (12:46):
God, I'm changing out.

Speaker 1 (12:49):
And I was like, you know what it was, I'm
going to put my AirPods in and I'm going to
take a break and then I'm going to come help
you guys. And so recognizing that, like, yeah, you're going
to lose your sometimes too, and we can still come
back from that. I know for myself, if I can
control the sound around me, it's really regulating. So I'll

(13:10):
pop those air pods in I'll listen to a song
real quick, and it's not like they're like, oh, enjoy
that zen moment, mom, Like they're still arguing in the
back seat with each other, and I'm just taking a
break from it right now and then coming back to
it in a more regulated state, recognizing that so often
the things that we're stepping into and we're reacting to,

(13:31):
we treat them as an emergency, but it isn't. They
can keep bickering in the back seat for one song
and then I can come back to them in a
regulated state.

Speaker 2 (13:40):
That is so so so wise.

Speaker 3 (13:43):
And I think that, among anything is just like such
a huge changer for parenting is catching yourself.

Speaker 2 (13:49):
You know, So how can we encourage parents to catch themselves?

Speaker 3 (13:52):
Because honestly, I feel like these books it's for the kids,
but it's for the parents.

Speaker 1 (13:58):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (13:58):
People say that it's so we can understand.

Speaker 3 (14:01):
You hit so many incredible topics in this book, and
we'll go through some more, but it's for the parents
to realize this.

Speaker 2 (14:07):
It's not the kids' jobs to know on this. They
don't know this stuff, you know.

Speaker 1 (14:10):
No, they've been on planet Earth for like six years, right, Like,
it's not their job to know all this. And one
of the things that I found the most helpful for
me in this work, and we dive deep into this
in the book, is really understanding how my nervous system
works and how everybody's different. Like my husband and I
are very different, my son and my daughter are very different.

(14:32):
And so when I got to know that, we talk
about the nine sensory systems as a part of your
nervous system. We often hear of our five senses site, sound, pace, touch, now,
but we highlight these other four in there. Our interceptive system,
which lets us know we're hungary, if we're tired, if
we have to go to the bathroom, if our heart's
beating fast, if we're having a feeling. And then we

(14:54):
have our vestibular system. This lets us keeps us upright.
It's responsible for our movement and balance. It's located in
your inner ear, and if you get like motion, sickness
or vertigo, like, that's all part of your vestibular system.
People who are vestibular seeking where they want vestibular input
for regulation, want to like spin or twist. My husband

(15:15):
sits in an office chair that has like a swivel
to it so he can kind of move throughout the day.
He's vestibular seeking. My office chair is stationary. I'm vestibular sensitive.
It actually drains me, but it recharges him. We have
our perperceptive sense that lets us know where our body
is in relationship to other things around us. So I

(15:35):
have low per perceptive awareness. I'll like bump into the
corner of my bed frame all the time, like just
always have bruises on my lefe. It's not moving, it
stays in the same place, but I have a hard
time recognizing, like how hard to cut that corner. People
who have high per perceptive awareness, that's easier for them.
Their brain can clock that. And for me, I need

(15:56):
more per perceptive input for my brain to understand where
does my body end and something else begins. What this
looks like for me is that I love like a
kickboxing class. I have a walking pad under my desk
because that's per perceptive input moving my body in that way,
going for a run. I could have a massage for
like four days, and I'm like, I want more. That

(16:18):
deep pressure is really calming for me. My husband can
get to the point where he feels touched out, especially
when the kids are little it's like a baby on
your body all the time. I'm like, give me that baby.
That's calming for me, and he's like, please take that baby.
It is not calming for him. He just has a
lower threshold for it. Versus my son loves to go

(16:38):
on the swings and I'm like, yeah, that's your dad activity.
Like you guys can go do that. I will get
motion sickness. And then our last sensory system is neuroceptive system.
This is what I call our spidy sense. It reads
the energy in the room, kind of like if you
walk into a space and two people have been in
conflict and they're not fighting anymore, but you can feel

(16:59):
it that's awkward. That's your neuroceptive sense. It's reading that energy.
And so for all of us, we're sensitive to some
of these and then we're seeking some of them for regulation.
But it's not one size fits all. And when I
understood what drains me, what am I sensitive to, and
then what recharges me, what am I seeking, I could
actually have a more regulated nervous system throughout the day.

(17:22):
And when you are more regulated, when you have more capacity,
then when your kids do those annoying things, it's easier
to calm in the same way that if I've had
a good night to sleep in a great breakfast, then
at like nine am, I'm pretty regulated. But by six pm,
if I've been taken care of my nervous system, I'm
pretty disregulated. Then all those things like I'm sound sensitive

(17:45):
and my husband's a drummer. Bless him, he's incredible, but
he's a drummer. So it's like always tapping around me
the song that's in his head. And when it's nine
am and he's tapping the song in his head at
the table, it's fine. But when it's six pm and
it's dinner time and the kids are like addie each other,
then I want a divorce. Right Like then I'm like,
oh my God, for the love, can you please not tap?

(18:05):
And so when we're looking at this, for me, the
greatest game changer in all this work, which is understanding
that how do I work, how do my kids nervous
systems work? It helps me know how do I build
their capacity more throughout the day and then in the
moment what actually calms them. My kids are two totally
different humans, and if I do the same thing for them, oh,

(18:27):
it's only a work for one of them. We actually
put a QR code in Big Kids that you can
scan and it goes to sequiz dot com. It's a
free questionnaire that's pretty comprehensive and it'll give you those results.
You take it as many times as you want, different
age groups, all that jazz, so for adults or for
your kiddos, and it'll show you what drains them and
what recharges them.

Speaker 2 (19:00):
And this is so crucial.

Speaker 3 (19:01):
This is like learning your Enneagram number or like learning
your love language. You know, it's like it's like figuring
this stuff out about yourself. And I really want to
encourage everyone who's listening to take the time to figure
this out. Like like you said, you either are gonna
have to deal with it on the front end or
on the back end. So you can take the time
to figure yourself out, to figure out what triggers your

(19:23):
nervous system. Like you're talking about all these senses that
like affect you, that make you into the person you are,
that make you drained, that make you stressed. Figure out
what you need so then you can actually guide your
day and help yourself so you can help everyone else.
If you're not helping yourself, you are not helping your
family either, because it is so good for you to

(19:44):
know these things about yourself and to take this time
and like that. But but I feel like it's it's
so hard to figure this out. And that's why I
feel like this book that you wrote is like honestly
a handbook and it's like a guide and it's like
an enneagram.

Speaker 2 (19:57):
Like when you read like Ian Krohn's Road to.

Speaker 3 (20:00):
You, I think that's the first one, and like you
like learn about the enneagram, you're like, oh my gosh,
thank you so much for putting it in one place.

Speaker 2 (20:07):
And that's how I feel about this book.

Speaker 3 (20:08):
Thank you so much for putting all of this into
one place and for like giving.

Speaker 2 (20:12):
Us your tools, because it's hard to find the tools. Honestly,
finding tools is very hard.

Speaker 1 (20:16):
Totally, and if you don't know what you're looking for,
Like I think of the nervous system work and understanding
how yours works as really learning like how do I
practice self care? For me, that taking care of myself
is different than my husband taking care of himself throughout
the day. And if I want to be able to
access the right scripts in the moment, or access patients
or things like that, I need to not be drained,

(20:40):
and so I need to take care of myself throughout
the day, and then same with my kids. And then
in that moment, I think, like, of my daughter is
very much like me, and so when she's having a
hard time, she's like, oh my gosh, validate my feelings.
Talk to me. I want to climb inside your lap
and hug and touch and hold my hand. And my
son is the opposite. He's like, you can be near me,

(21:02):
but please say nothing and don't touch me and just
give me a minute. And so understanding how their nervous
system worked, help me know when he's agitated, when he's
having a hard time. Alessa, you gotta be quiet, like,
stop offering a hug, stop validating what I'm like, Oh, buddy,
you were having a hard time. He's like, mom, stop

(21:22):
and she's like, yeah, keep going, give me more.

Speaker 2 (21:25):
But how do you okay?

Speaker 3 (21:26):
So, as a parent who is at ground zero has
no idea where to start.

Speaker 2 (21:29):
How do you start? Say, start with your kids. Say
that we're.

Speaker 3 (21:33):
Dealing with a parent who is an obedience culture parent.
You do what I say. You listen. Kids are meant
to you know, be in the background. But they're starting
to wake up and they're realizing, oh my gosh, I
don't want to be like this, but I have just
like such a history.

Speaker 2 (21:48):
Of doing this.

Speaker 3 (21:48):
I don't know even where to start. How will someone
even start to realize that each kid needs to be
parented differently, how to regulate the nervous system? And you
say that, I think as like chapter sixteen, you say
where do we start?

Speaker 2 (22:00):
Or time for seventeen.

Speaker 3 (22:01):
It kind of gives you a starting point, but like,
where do you start if someone has been living totally
not regulated themselves, not helping their kids regulate, what, how
do we even begin?

Speaker 1 (22:12):
Yeah? I love that question. I'm gonna say, begin with
the questionnaire. So you go to seed quiz dot com
and that is gonna take that questionnaire to just get
to know yourself. It's like figuring out your own Aera
gram figure it out.

Speaker 2 (22:22):
Your starts with you. You got to start.

Speaker 1 (22:23):
It starts with you. You know what's been so cool, Carolyn,
is that the when we look at the questionnaire, it's
been out into the world for a little bit. Now
we use it actually predominantly with schools, so we'll have
like a whole elementary, whole middle school, we'll have families
fill the questionnaires out so in classrooms we can customize,
like what's this kid actually need to be regulated so
they can learn. But what's been so rad is that

(22:46):
outside of our schools using it for their students, the
general population, it's been most consumed overwhelmingly by adults. It's
adults taking it for themselves. And I love that so
much because it does start with us that we have
to figure out how do we work so that we
can have more capacity to do the hard stuff because

(23:06):
the other stuff's hard. It's taken a look at oh man,
what is coming up for me in this moment?

Speaker 3 (23:12):
So what do you learn about yourself? And that questionnaire
like what are some of the things you can learn
about yourself?

Speaker 1 (23:16):
You're going to learn those nine senses, what are you
sensitive to? What drains you? And what are you seeking?
So for instance, for me with the sound sensitivity, I
I'm sound sensitive and vestibular sensitive. So I'm not gonna
go on the swings or we were just at the
fair with the kids and I'm not going on a
spinny ride, Like that's not for me. It's gonna drain me,
it's gonna I'm not gonna be the mom I want
to be with that, and same with sounds. So I

(23:38):
have like loop ear plugs that I pop in most
days from like four to seven, I'm wearing my loop
earplugs because then I can hear everyone, but I can
just love them a little bit more if I hear
it a little less, right, Like I have.

Speaker 2 (23:49):
More interesting and that's probably a game changer.

Speaker 1 (23:53):
It's huge. Or like my son when he was like two,
he got this Thomas the Train thing for my mother
in law, who's incredible, but this was a doozy of
a gift and you would like turn it on in
fourteen seconds. It's always like in a corner or someplace,
it's like click click clicklick, click clicklick, and I want
to check it out a window. And so I learned
for myself, we could not have Thomas as a part

(24:13):
of our morning, like when we're trying to get out
the door for childcare and whatever. If Thomas was a
part of the morning, I was losing my cool. And
so at the end of the day, I put Thomas
in this cabinet and then Thomas the Train would come
out in the afternoon after school and you could play
with them, and so it's things like that where it
teaches us like why am I losing it at eight am?
Or why is this thing driving me absolutely crazy? It's like,

(24:36):
maybe you don't hate all the people around you, maybe
you're overstimulated, and so this questionnaire will help you understand
that about yourself and what will actually recharge you. So
give you an example with one of the teachers we
were working with. She she had tough classroom of kids
and she kindergarten teacher, and they were busy and big,

(24:58):
big emotions, big challenge behaviors, and she was feeling burnt out.
So we put together a self care plan for her.
She did the questionnaire and she was sensory sensitive, which
means that most of those senses are draining for her.
The sights around her, the noise, all that pulling from
her nervous system. So for her self care plan, our
only thing we had her do first and foremost was

(25:19):
every time the kids leave your room, don't go on
your phone yet, before you go to the bathroom, before
you talk to anybody. You're going to turn off the
lights in your classroom. It's going to look insane. You're
gonna lay down on the ground. You're going to close
your eyes for one minute, just one minute, You're just
gonna lay on the floor and close your eyes. You
can set a timer and that's it. And she had
it was about four times a day. It's about four

(25:41):
total minutes that this was happening. And she reached out
about a week later and was like, I hate how
effective this is. She's like, I wanted to like hate
you at the beginning when you were like, yeah, four
minutes is going to change your life. And she's like,
I hate how effective this is. I it gives me
a recharge when they leave, and then enough of like

(26:01):
a recharge to be able to make it to the
next time that I need a minute to lay down.
There's four total minutes in her day, and she was like,
reported less burnout, she's more likely to stay in the
field of education, all from four minutes.

Speaker 3 (26:14):
But it really us simple solutions. But no, because you
know what you're looking.

Speaker 1 (26:20):
For, that's right. It's not like, oh, choose from these
self care strategies. It was like, no, here's customized to
how your nervous system.

Speaker 3 (26:27):
Works, man, And that is so crucial because you also
have something called miss is it mismatched what is it?

Speaker 1 (26:33):
Mismatched sensory sensory mismatch.

Speaker 3 (26:35):
Yeah, so like you were talking about earlier, like if
you're trying to give all the words to your son,
but like that's not what he needs. You're mismatching what
his sensory needs. And it's like you have to figure
that out. It's literally it's like learning what foods you
like and have aversions too. It's like you have to
figure this out. It's not a one size fits all
at all, and so it takes a lot of effort.

(26:56):
But once again, I'm going back to what you originally said,
do you want to put that effort in on the
front end or do you want to have to deal
with the meltdowns of breakdowns, the problems aligning, the anxiety
all that.

Speaker 2 (27:05):
And I'm not saying you're not going to get that, but.

Speaker 3 (27:07):
You can greatly help yourself and your family by putting
this energy in on the front end to learn these
things and to put that effort in so you know
what you're dealing with.

Speaker 1 (27:19):
Yeah, it fully changed how I got to live my
life as a parent, as a teacher, as a partner,
as a wife. It was a game changer for me,
and one of the schools we were working with last year,
high needs population, low income, A number of their kids
have at least one incarcerated parent, number of homelessness. It's

(27:39):
a real high needs population. And when we came in
with them, the only thing we focused on first was
getting the questionnaire for all the kids and just looking
at all the classrooms. How do we make sure all
the kids have what they need to recharge throughout the day.
And from quarter one to quarter two we saw a
sixty percent reduction in behavior support calls.

Speaker 3 (27:58):
So what was changing or some things that you implemented
in that classroom? And I love that classrooms are letting
you come in and do this, like they're not just
so rigid with their rules.

Speaker 2 (28:07):
Is this public schools?

Speaker 1 (28:08):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (28:09):
Wow, this is amazing.

Speaker 1 (28:10):
Yeah, it's a bulk of our work is working with schools.
I mean, what they know is that when we come in,
you're actually you're going to get better academic results. You're
going to reduce those behavior support calls because we're going
to have more regulated kids so they can access their
whole brain.

Speaker 2 (28:24):
What are some of the things that you're doing to
regulate those kids.

Speaker 1 (28:27):
Yeah, so we'll look at like flexible seating. For instance,
if you have a kid who's vestibular seeking, like my
husband sits in that office chair throughout the day to swivel.
We partner with a company called Bouncy Bands that has
this little seat. It's super light and it can twist
one hundred and twenty degrees. It's a little circle. It
can sit on top of a chair, it can go
to a rug, it can move wherever, and they can

(28:49):
get exactly what my husband gets throughout the day and
that slivil chair. So things like that we look at
for sensory sensitive kids, how do we have opportunities for
them to kind of drown the noise. Sometimes it's a
spot in the classroom where they can just go and
chill for a minute or two minutes. It's not long
periods of time that we're looking at. It's really looking

(29:11):
at quality over quantity, so making sure it's the right
thing for their nervous system, rather than, oh, yeah, this
kid is losing it and now they have to leave
the classroom for twenty minutes and every time they come
back it's another big melt down. Instead, we're looking at
how do we look throughout the day every hour and
a half to two hours to make sure they've got
an opportunity to move their body in the way that's

(29:31):
right for them, or to have a little break in
the way that's right for them. This could be Hey,
before we go over to math, I'm going to pull
two popsicle sticks out. One that's a movement, one one
that's like a sensory break. And for thirty seconds, do
you want to jump up and down and see how
high you can go and touch on the wall, or
do you want to pat your belly and rub your head?

(29:52):
And so one of them is a calm down, one
one of them is getting energy out. And we're hitting
them the right kids with the type of movement they need.

Speaker 2 (30:01):
It's just so amazing.

Speaker 3 (30:03):
So instead of just like a one size fits all,
like here's the program everybody follow, it's like, no, every
person has such unique needs, and it starts at such.

Speaker 2 (30:12):
A young age.

Speaker 3 (30:13):
And if you can bring this awareness into children and
they're already learning how to regulate themselves at a young age,
So is that your goal to teach kids how to
regulate so they don't become adults and then have to
rewire and figure out everything that's been messed up and
they're programming.

Speaker 1 (30:29):
That's it. That's exactly. It's just teaching them how their
brain and body work in the same way that we
teach them like if they have any like food a
versions or allergies, like, oh yeah, that's not helpful for
your body, Like when you drink milk it gives you
a rash, or when you eat peanuts it makes your
throat itchy. We're teaching them just how their brain and
body work. When you spin around five times, it helps

(30:52):
your brain focus. When you have a little break with
headphones on and listen to a song that you like,
it helps your body feel calm and be kind. That's
exactly what we're doing.

Speaker 2 (31:04):
I love that.

Speaker 3 (31:04):
Okay, So then you also talk about I love these
kind of things too.

Speaker 2 (31:08):
You hit bullying, you hit when you.

Speaker 3 (31:11):
Start your period, you talk about sex, you talk about
when a kid lies. You're talking about how to like
fight with your tween like not you know, how to
like when they're a conflict. Yes, these are some big topics,
so I kind of would can we can we talk
about a little a few of these, Like I have

(31:31):
a I have a six year old, and you talked
about this and one of the things you say, it's
normalized for.

Speaker 2 (31:36):
A six year old to say a five year old
to say like I.

Speaker 3 (31:38):
Hate you, or to say like a suddenly becoming scared
of something.

Speaker 2 (31:42):
And this just recently happened to my daughter.

Speaker 3 (31:44):
We had like a fire alarm go off and there
was like just it just was very loud and it
went off for a while. And now she is very,
very very afraid that a fire is going to happen.
And it's like a constant, repetitive fear. And you talk
about that, how that's very normal at this age for
like a fear to come in. How since this is

(32:05):
specifically happening in my life, how do I navigate this? Like,
how do I navigate Okay, you do have this legit fear,
but you're safe.

Speaker 2 (32:13):
How do we walk that line?

Speaker 3 (32:15):
Because the world is scary and there are things to
be afraid of, But how do we let them know
that they are safe?

Speaker 1 (32:20):
Yeah, there's a couple of things that I want to
look at here. One is being able to acknowledge that
emotion of man, you're feeling scared or you're feeling anxious
that there's going to be a fire. That makes sense.
The fire alarm went off, do you want to know
something so cool about anxiety and when we're feeling scared,
is that our body's job is to send that alarm

(32:42):
to our brain to say, hey, am I safe? And
then when we remind it, oh, yeah, you're safe, there's
no fire alarm, it turns off that alarm. None of
our feelings stay for a long time, and then I
would bring up a time where like, remember when we
were at gymnastics and you were having so much fun.
You were jumping, you were playing with your friends, you
were feeling happy. And right now you're not feeling happy anymore.
Right now you're feeling scared, or you're feeling nervous. All

(33:05):
of our feelings, even happy, stay for a little bit
and another one will come. It's okay to feel anxious
about this. When you notice that you're feeling anxious that
there's going to be a fire, you can say to
your brain there's no fire right now, I'm safe, and
then it will turn off that alarm and your body
will start to calm. So the goal isn't to say,
don't feel anxious. The goal is to say, yeah, your

(33:28):
body's doing exactly what it's designed to do. It's so smart,
and you can remind it that right now, the fire
alarm's not going off, and so it doesn't have to
feel scared right now, And then I might ask when
she is in a calmer moment, hey, I noticed that
you have been feeling nervous that there would be a
fire again after that alarm? Do you want to make

(33:48):
a plan for what would happen if a fire alarm
went off, so that your brain knows that it has
a plan for what to do that might help it
feel safe, and just like reviewing that, because really, what
anxiety is, it's all about the unknown. It's okay, well
what if it went off? Now? What is my plan
in place? What would I do? What is the plan

(34:09):
of action? And even for us as adults, when we
are living in this big, scary world and we're feeling anxious,
it's when we don't know what's going to happen or
what to expect. And so when we can co create
a plan with our kids and help them be able
to say, hey, I'm feeling anxious. I think I need
a plan and build their awareness to be able to

(34:29):
say that. My son and just recently said, hey, Mom,
what's the plan? And I was like, what do you mean,
what's the plan? He said, I don't know what's going
on here, and I need to know the plan. And
I was like, okay, yeah, here's what's happening. And we
had people stop over and it was just like all
of a sudden, there were a bunch of people at
our house. He was like, I did not know they
were coming over. I don't know what's going on. I
had different plan for this afternoon, and I was like, yeah,

(34:51):
let's chat about it. They came over. I think they're
probably going to stay for dinner. Here's the plan. And
so just letting them know that they can notice that
that that anxiety be them saying I don't feel like
I have a plan for what to do if there
were to be a fire alarm.

Speaker 2 (35:07):
I love that.

Speaker 3 (35:08):
I love coming up with a plan that's so great,
and we've been talking it through and talking about all
the procedures in place that all make you safe. But
it's nice to say, Okay, we have a plan.

Speaker 2 (35:18):
That's great. It's good to have action steps.

Speaker 1 (35:20):
And have them tell you the plan, like, hey, if
the fire alarm were to go off right now, what
would the plan be. And it's one thing to hear
something is a whole other thing for the parts of
your brain to be in teacher mode where they're teaching
you what's going to happen. It activates different parts of
the brain. And so when we can do that, it's
actually going to bring their prefrontal cortex, which is your

(35:42):
rational thinking brain, back online when you enter into that
teacher space.

Speaker 2 (35:47):
I love that.

Speaker 3 (35:47):
I love that you also talk about getting side by
side to kids, like when you're like instead of just
like talking at them, and especially like you had an
example of like if your daughter like throws a fit
and slams her door, ands like, I don't want you
to to, you know, be with me.

Speaker 2 (36:01):
What do we do in that situation?

Speaker 3 (36:02):
And then talk about how you there's so many ways
to connect because connection is ultimately what they want. But
how do we connect in a situation like that?

Speaker 1 (36:11):
Yeah, we call it your connection blueprint. And this is
kind of like you're a niagram. Your love language is
like what is it that fills you up when it
comes to connection? And my husband and I are just talking
about this the other day because we went he loves music,
he's a drummer, and we went to a show and
it was a show that like was a band that
he cared about that I didn't know anything about. We

(36:32):
were leaving and I didn't feel like filled up or connected,
and he did and we were leaving it, and I
was like, oh, this is one of those moments where
our connections mismatched, where that just filled your cup up,
and I'm like, let's go talk about life. Let's like
snuggle on the couch and watch football, which I love
and he loves, and it's a shared interest and we

(36:54):
can connect over that. And so when we're looking at connection,
it's so key to get curious about how does our
child feel connected. My daughter feels connected through physical touch
and words of affirmation predominantly you look at those love languages.
So she is like, yeah, we just went for a
walk to a coffee shop this morning, her and I,

(37:16):
and she's chatting the whole way there and the whole
way back. She's got her little like fake coffee of
steamed milk and just like hanging out.

Speaker 2 (37:23):
And that's a side.

Speaker 3 (37:24):
By side too, though you're actually like doing something instead
of just like asking her questions. You're like walking to
the coffee shop so she can just start spilling that's right.

Speaker 1 (37:33):
Yeah. Movement is huge for that when we're like doing
an activity, especially if you're moving your body, nan do
they start talking usually in those instances. And my son, though,
he feels the most filled up with quality time. And
so if that coffee shop trip may have filled him up,
but if we were doing it with like a group

(37:54):
of friends, Mila, my daughter would have still been filled
up by it. She would have been like, oh my god,
we're all hanging out. This is the best. And he
would have been drained by that. He wouldn't hid back.

Speaker 2 (38:05):
He was sitting his energy with everyone in that career.

Speaker 1 (38:07):
Correct.

Speaker 2 (38:08):
It's so interesting.

Speaker 1 (38:10):
Yeah, And so when I'm looking at for him, I
actually find his often easier, his connection to fill up.
She's higher connection seeking than he is. She has higher
connection needs and he has higher sensory needs. So he
just gets like overwhelmed by an environment and needs downtime
where she walks into like a party and it is like,
let's go, this is ma jam and he's like, yeah, deuces,

(38:33):
I'm out. And so for him, it's a really like
when he comes home from school, if we can play
together for three minutes and he gets to tell me
exactly what to do in the play and he gets
to control the play and I'm there with him and
almost like he is finally in control of something from

(38:54):
the day not feeling in his control. That fills him up.
And if I ask maybe one or two quick questions,
but I'm not really asking questions, I'm just participating in
the play that fills him up. And for her, she
needs more time, but it's almost like easier to fit
in in our day to day where she doesn't need
my direct and just paying attention to you. She can

(39:17):
get that connection filled up from the neighborhood and everyone
around us and all that jazz, and it doesn't always
have to be that like direct focused time.

Speaker 2 (39:36):
It is.

Speaker 3 (39:36):
I mean, this is just such incredible information. How did
you learn all this? How did you get all this information?

Speaker 1 (39:44):
I'm a giant nerd, to be honest, I love research,
and I so my master's is in early childhood, and
then I did research in building emotional intelligence and kids,
and through that research learned a lot about the nervous
system and regulation especially for a and how crucial role
that plays and our biases, the stories we tell ourselves.

(40:05):
I wrote in Tiny Humans that sometimes I open my
mouth and my mom comes out, Like sometimes it's great.
Sometimes I totally want to pass it on, but like
sometimes I don't, And so what do you do with that?
And that research was so helpful for me to do
in my own work, Like what do we do when
I open my mouth and my mom comes out and

(40:26):
it's not something I want to pass on? And then yeah,
I just am constantly consuming research and data.

Speaker 3 (40:36):
What was your childhood like that spurred you to want
to be such an intentional parent?

Speaker 2 (40:42):
Like why did you want to be this way?

Speaker 3 (40:45):
What's what in you was triggered that made you want
to do this research?

Speaker 2 (40:49):
And why does it matter to you so much?

Speaker 3 (40:51):
Was there something was a little child neglected and you
or not neglected intentionally?

Speaker 2 (40:55):
But like did you totally struggle with this as a kid?

Speaker 1 (40:59):
Oh for sure, But like I didn't realize it as
a kid. I grew up with really rad parents. It
just wasn't a part of the culture in the way
that it is now.

Speaker 3 (41:08):
And totally, well, mental health wasn't really a thing at all,
I feel like now correct.

Speaker 1 (41:14):
And I am one of five kids. I have four brothers, wow,
and I'm number four in that lineup. And my parents
started having kids at nineteen and so we I grew
up in a low income household, low income community, and
my mom waitress and nights and weekends to make ends meet,
and they worked their butts off to provide for us,

(41:36):
and they were stretched so thin that really parenting for
them meant you had a roof over your head, you
got food on your table, you were They showed up
to all of our games, all of our things. There's
a lot of rad stuff that I got from them.
They believed in us that we could. I when I
was like fourteen, I was like, Hey, I want to

(41:58):
study abroad in Austria And they were like absolutely, how
are you going to fundraise for it? Like it wasn't
a no, we can't afford that. It was yeah, you
can make this happen. What's your plan for doing that?
A lot of really cool things I got from them,
And there was zero around emotional support of like, oh,
you're having a hard time, let's figure that out.

Speaker 3 (42:20):
Didn't you have time to support themselves emotionally, you know.

Speaker 1 (42:22):
Correct exactly? And I think it was also just part
of the culture, like it wasn't happening even in households,
for there were more resources. It was just not a
part of the culture in the way that it is now.
And I experienced some pretty gnarly trauma when I was
a teenager at one point, and that was like the
real big turning point for me, where when I got

(42:45):
into my twenties, basically like post trauma.

Speaker 3 (42:49):
Did you share your trauma as a kid? Like did
you share anyone or did you just keep it suppressed?
And then I didn't you have personality.

Speaker 1 (42:55):
Correct, I didn't have a safe place to share it,
and so my.

Speaker 3 (43:00):
The trauma was your fault. Yeah, and then you internalize
that you're the problem.

Speaker 1 (43:05):
One hundred percent. Yeah, And I've shared about it a
bunch and I'm really open about it. But I was
raped when I was fourteen, and it from there I
turned to like, oh, I'm just going to be the
best human I can be so that I feel like
I am of value and I'm worthy and I'm lovable.
And so I was president of student council and a

(43:26):
star athlete and a straight A student and had a
million jobs and like did all.

Speaker 2 (43:31):
The things your worth showing your value under.

Speaker 1 (43:33):
Percent and meanwhile like partying like it's nobody's business and
smoking cigarettes and like treading water to stay afloat really to.

Speaker 2 (43:42):
Try to sad pain. Was it someone you trusted?

Speaker 1 (43:46):
Yeah, there was someone I knew. I mean, I'm from
a small town, so everybody knows everyone. But yeah, and
it was someone like real popular and uh just very
much going to be in your space and in your
face because of who he was the community. And I
through college like started to learn like, maybe that wasn't

(44:07):
my fault. And then in my early twenties is where
I like dove into this and that spearheaded my interest
in emotional development of oh wow, not only was it
not my fault, but also you can actually have tools
to navigate that there are people where when that happens,
there's a person they can turn to and talk to

(44:28):
folks or alcohol isn't the only choice for drowning those feelings.
And that was all new to me. I didn't have
coping strategies of what do you do in the face
of trauma? What does resilience look like? And how do
we foster it and build it? And so that's where
like that interest started to skyrocket.

Speaker 3 (44:48):
So after having lived through this trauma personally and now
all of your research and all these.

Speaker 2 (44:52):
Books, how do you how do you what.

Speaker 3 (44:56):
Is your take on preparing for safety and then also
preparing for like as the parent, how do you how
would you set your kids up to be prepared for
these kind of situations and to maybe know how to
navigate them if something starts to show up, Like, how
do you even set your kids up for this so
they know how to navigate this because so many kids

(45:18):
have no tools, Like you have no idea what's even happening,
and then you just think it's your fault, that's right.

Speaker 1 (45:24):
So there's a few like key components, especially when it
comes to sexual assault, that are in place. One, and
there are phenomenal resources we share in the book around
this too for people to go deeper. One is making
sure that kids know what is safe touch, what is
not safe touch, and who are the people who would
provide safe touch. The other is labeling body parts correctly

(45:47):
being able to talk about them anatomically correctly. Three is
uh the notion that there's the difference between surprises and secrets.
Surprises often are something that feels fun, it feels exciting.
You're going to throw a surprise birthday party or doing
something for somebody, and it is something that you're going

(46:08):
to share at some point there's like a deadline for that.
A secret is often harmful and you're.

Speaker 3 (46:14):
Going to share it is going to be made known. Okay,
that is such a good distinction. It's not going to
stay secret forever.

Speaker 1 (46:21):
Correct, versus like, this is a secret between us, and
you can't tell anyone or you'll get in trouble or
somebody will be mad or whatever. That word secret is
often brought in in the notion that you're not allowed
to tell anybody. That usually means you're not safe. And
so if somebody says that here's what you can do
in the moment of sometimes it's you're going along with

(46:42):
it in the moment because that's what keeps you safe.
But then outside of that, my kids know, if somebody
tells you a secret, it's actually very important for your
safety that you let us know. You're never going to
be in trouble. I'm not going to be mad at you.
Even if this happened because you went to this house
or this party or this whatever, you weren't supposed to
be there. We're not going to be mad at you.

(47:02):
We're going to help you figure it out. We're on
your team. And the last one here is that they
have a secure attachment that's so crucial that they know
that they can turn to you with whatever comes up
and that you can handle it. If they're nervous about
coming to you, because it's going to spike your anxiety
or you're going to fly off the handle, they're not

(47:24):
going to come to you. And so letting them know
through all these early actions that they can come to
you with their small stuff, because if they can't come
to you with their small stuff, they're not going to
come to you with their big stuff. If they come
to you and they got left out of that party
or they weren't invited to do this TikTok dance with
their friends. I had a little girl shared this with

(47:45):
me recently. She's so devastated because her friends were doing
this TikTok dance together and she's not invited. And then
another friend posted about it on Snapchat and everybody's doing
it and she's not included. And I could let her
know that it's not a big deal and that these
are happy friends and that friends don't do this to
each other or whatever, but instead I was like, man,
that sucks to feel left out. I know how it

(48:08):
feels to not be invited or to not be included, ugh,
and just be in it with them without trying to
make it go away, without rushing in to solve it
for them, just letting them know that, yeah, you can
bring your stuff to me and I'm here with you.

Speaker 3 (48:22):
And I love that that you don't have to find
the solution, because when I first had my daughter, I
felt like I had to find a solution to make
everything okay, Like if anything was happening or she was upset,
immediately wanted her to feel better. And now I have
realized over time and learning and through people like you
who I've just been able to learn from, it's like
I don't have to make this go away. Actually that's
not the point at all. The point is for her

(48:44):
to learn how to deal with these big feelings and
to know that it is safe to come to me
and just to sit in it and just to sit
in it and some of us not.

Speaker 2 (48:52):
Even have a solution. That was a huge moment for.

Speaker 3 (48:55):
Me to realize I don't have to have a solution.

Speaker 2 (48:57):
I just have to be there, just be there.

Speaker 1 (49:01):
Yeah. My nephew recently is teenager and we were hanging
out and he had gone through his first breakup and
he was bumped and he like told me. I was like,
what's going on, Bud? He was just like off and
he was like, Oh, just broke up and my girlfriend whatever.
And I was like do you want to chat about it?
And he was like no. And I was like, cool,
do you want to just go for a drive and

(49:22):
listen to music and go get some ice cream? And
he was like yeah, And so we just went for
a drive and we listened to music and we got
ice cream and we were spending the weekend together. And
the next day I was like, hey, let's go for
a walk together. And he was like, do we have
to talk about it? I was like, you don't have
to say anything. There's just a couple of things I
want to tell you. And so we went for a
walk and I just shaired a couple things at the

(49:42):
beginning of like, I know what this feels like, and
it sucks, and even if you know it's not the
end of the world and you might have a girlfriend
one day, it's also okay if right now this sucks.
And what I want you to know is that it's
not going to feel this way forever, but it's okay
to be in this for now. And after I just
like said that, I was just quiet, and then I

(50:03):
was like, we don't have talk about it anymore. We
talk about other things, or we can just be quiet
with each other on this walk. And then he was like, actually,
I want to talk about it. And then we talked
a little bit more and he had some questions and
also just needed to share his feelings. And I think
especially with boys as they get older, girls do this.
We turned to each other and we're like, oh my god,

(50:24):
we broke up and I need to cry about it
and I need to connect. And as our boys get older,
there are fewer and fewer places they often have to
turn and say I feel sad, because it's vulnerable to
feel sad as a boy.

Speaker 3 (50:39):
So setting that stage for him, setting an environment, and
it was over days that you set the stage for
him to be able to feel safe to share. It's
just such intentional, such an intentional mindset on the.

Speaker 2 (50:51):
Adult's part to set the correct stage.

Speaker 1 (50:54):
Yeah, and everything inside me. As he's like sharing about
his girlfriend, I was like, this girl's up. I am
like annoyed.

Speaker 2 (51:03):
This is a blessing.

Speaker 1 (51:04):
Yeah, but I can't like that's not helpful. For me
to tell him right now, you know. And so it's
so much regulation on our side. And I even think
when it comes to things like sexual assault, it's actually
not my goal that they never encounter it or never
experience it. It's my dream, right, But what I know

(51:25):
is that if I parent from a place of fear,
I will shelter them and snowplows stuff so that they
don't have to experience hard things and they won't know
what to do when they get out into the world
and they do experience hard things. And so instead my

(51:46):
focus is, yeah, of course I'm gonna do everything I
can to not put them in a situation where they
would be harmed or hurt. And also I know that
it's always a possibility. And so what happened to me
was not that any It was not oversight on my
parents part. I snuck out of a house and went
to a gathering that this person just happened to be

(52:09):
at and things to con turn. But they thought I
was asleep in bed, you know. It wasn't like there
was oversight in my parents part. I know that these
things can happen in the light of day, and my
goal is that my kids know that they can come
to me that we can figure out whatever happens is
they're not in trouble. They're not in trouble. Yeah, they're

(52:31):
not in trouble. And that's where the we talk about
punishments in both my books. In Tiny Humans, we have
a whole chapter on punishments and consequences and discipline, and
then we talk about it in Big Kids too, which
you're taking on them. It's just not effective that if
I am punishing them for something a I'm not meeting

(52:51):
the need that's actually driving the behavior. Such a good point,
and I'm just hoping that I can deliver them something
that feel so bad to them that they won't do
that behavior again.

Speaker 3 (53:03):
And then they just have shame on top of already
feeling shame on shame.

Speaker 1 (53:06):
And it ruins our relationship because.

Speaker 3 (53:09):
Now you're not the person they want to tell things to.
They're definitely afraid of you. Yeah, and then and then
what if they don't have another safe adult to go to,
So then who are they telling things to. They're internalizing
all this and it's just creating anxiety, and then you
feel like you are the problem and you have all
this shame trauma and you never get to talk it

(53:29):
out because you're too afraid because you don't have a
safe adult. And you say that every kid should have
at least one safe adult, right.

Speaker 2 (53:35):
So many parents don't even realize.

Speaker 3 (53:37):
So many parents don't even realize that they're not the
safe adult they think because they're providing the roof of
their head, the food, you know, taking care of them.

Speaker 2 (53:44):
But they think they're the safe adult, but they're not.

Speaker 1 (53:48):
My challenge to parents is to think, like, if there
is there anything that your kid could do or say
that would make you love them less or love them more,
because if so, then we have some work to do
on our end, then you probably aren't their safe adult.
There's nothing that my kids could do or say that

(54:11):
would make me love them more or less. Not a
certain accolade, not an award. If they went to jail,
I would still love them as much as I do now.
I would feel sad that they were hurting so bad
and that things were so hard for them and they
didn't feel like there was another outlet other than whatever
they did right, But I would love them all the same.

(54:35):
If we want them to come to us, they can't
feel like love is conditional.

Speaker 3 (54:42):
And that goes back to the beginning of all this
where the parent learns how to regulate themselves and is
not triggered by what the kid is doing. That the
parent knows how to center and calm themselves before having
a reaction, because the kid is just exploring life and
making mistakes, you know.

Speaker 1 (55:01):
Being a kid on planet or time, and we're.

Speaker 3 (55:04):
Here to be their bumpers. So it's like it all
goes back to the parent. Can you regulate as a
parent so you don't react?

Speaker 1 (55:11):
Yeah, and when you do react, repair.

Speaker 2 (55:14):
And you said that to being able to apologize.

Speaker 1 (55:16):
That's it. You want to teach kids accountability for their actions.
Model it. That's the greatest way to teach it. And
so when I lose my coool with my kids and
I do or human plastic or I'm rude or I'm
disconnected where I'm like, oh, my brain's in a million
other spaces and they're trying to get my attention, and
then they do it in an annoying way because I
didn't pay attention the first few times when they asked

(55:38):
for it, and then I react to the annoying way.
Then I can come back later and be like, oh, man,
earlier I was thinking about this stuff going on with work,
and I was trying to plan in my head all
the things we need for our trip coming up, and
I think I missed something. And then you were being
rude to your sister, and I wasn't kind to you.
Next time, I'm going to try and pause and say like, hey, Bud,

(56:02):
I hear you. I'm gonna come help you. I've got
my brain is racing and I need to figure some
things out, or I need to drop some stuff down,
or for me, it's really helpful to like auditorily processed.
So I'll send my best friend Francesca a voice message
and be like, I just need to get this out
of my brain so that it's not in there and
owning that that these it's my job to do this.

(56:23):
It's not your job to figure out how to calm me.
It's my job. And I made a mistake. Here are
things I'm gonna try, or this is something I'm gonna
work on because it wasn't okay what I did.

Speaker 2 (56:33):
I love it.

Speaker 3 (56:33):
I love just having a real relationship with your kids
and treating them like a real human.

Speaker 2 (56:37):
Okay, So I'm gonna wrap up.

Speaker 3 (56:38):
I always leave with one question which is leave your
light and it's just.

Speaker 2 (56:42):
Drop us some inspiration. What do you want people to know?

Speaker 1 (56:46):
We only have to of motion, coach them and respond
with intention about twenty percent of the time in a
given day to see lasting results. You're gonna drop the ball.
You're gonna feel overwhelmed, you're gonna lose your coote. You're
gonna react when you wish you would have responded. That
hasn't jeopardized your relationship. The thing that's so important, though,

(57:12):
is that you do apologize.

Speaker 3 (57:15):
I love that so much. Okay, Alyssa, where can everyone
find you? Big kids, bigger feelings? Where can we get this?

Speaker 1 (57:20):
Yeah, wherever anywhere, sold anywhere. Is published through Uppercolumns. It's
available anywhere, and it's out. It's out. And I read
the audiobook for both of my books, and.

Speaker 2 (57:29):
You have a very calming voice. So I love that.

Speaker 3 (57:31):
Thank you and tiny humans, big emotions. I think they
pair perfectly together. Honestly, it's like this is like the
next part, so the tiny humans, big emotions like for
a young kids, and now this is entering into elementary
school age. You hit all the topics and then tell
us where we can find you on social media and
all the sites.

Speaker 1 (57:47):
So voices of your Village podcast and then seed dot
and dot so sew over on social and seed andsow
dot org. And if you want to bring this work
to your child's school, we've got a spot right in
the website for you to be able to let us
know and we can see if it's a good fit.

Speaker 3 (58:03):
And I just want to say, every kid should, I
mean every parent should get this book and follow you
on Instagram. You are dropping so much information that is
just like you're just dropping it, You're just sharing. It's
just like, oh, there it is. It's like, thank you
for this researched incredibly emotionally intelligent information that you have
done so much work to just share with us. I mean,
you are literally just dropping so much wisdom. So thank

(58:23):
you so much, Alyssa for all of your work, all
of the time that you have put into educating yourself
and now educating us so we can have be emotionally
intelligent as parents and pass it on to our children,
so we maybe don't have to go rewire with all
this therapy and fix.

Speaker 2 (58:38):
All this later. We can work it on the front end.

Speaker 3 (58:41):
I appreciate you so much and thank you so much
for joining me today.

Speaker 1 (58:45):
Thanks for having me. This is lovely, this is awesome.

Speaker 2 (58:47):
Okay bye

Speaker 1 (59:00):
Yeah