Getting Real with Dr. Tara: TikTok's Top Sex Educator Spills the Secrets

From a sexless marriage to becoming TikTok’s top sex educator, Dr. Tara gets real about intimacy, monogamy, and what it really takes to keep your sex life thriving (hint hint— self love)  long after the lingerie comes off.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
A cary Line. She's a queen and talking and she
getting really not afraid to fings episode, so just let
it flow. No one can do required cary Line. It

(00:26):
sounds a car line.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
I'm so excited to share this amazing, enlightening episode with
doctor Tara, and I just want to give a heads up.

Speaker 3 (00:37):
This is for adult ears.

Speaker 2 (00:40):
We talk about sexual wellness and health. And although it
is such an enlightening conversation and it is really wonderful
information to hear about, I want to put a disclaimer
on that.

Speaker 3 (00:54):
I think you should be.

Speaker 2 (00:55):
An adult of adult age if you're listening to this.
So just wanted to give that little heads up. And
I'm very excited to have doctor Tara joining me on
Get Real, so let's welcome her to the podcast.

Speaker 3 (01:14):
Hey, so this is exciting. I have doctor Tara with
me and you are one of the leading experts in sex.

Speaker 4 (01:24):
A sexpert, yeah right, A sexpert. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:29):
I mean that's a big deal. You've kind of made
this your mission in life for people to be educated
about their sexual well being, right, And it's not I
don't feel like I think I feel like pleasure is
a huge part of it with you, but it's Also
it feels like it's so much more. I feel like
you have a big mission with this. Can you tell
us what your mission is?

Speaker 4 (01:48):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (01:49):
I mean my mission can be streamlined to just like
one statement, right, less shame, more pleasure, and pleasure in
life doesn't necessarily just come from sexual well being. It
comes from every aspect of life. But my thesis is
that when your sex life is great, there is a

(02:09):
positive spillover effect in every aspect of life. I've seen
that firsthand in my own relationship, you know, starting from
getting a divorce from my first husband to where I
am now, as well as all my clients that have
embarked on a sexual awakening journey if you will, that
it positively affects other parts of their life.

Speaker 4 (02:31):
You know, their skin looks.

Speaker 5 (02:33):
Better, their friendships are better, their family relationships are better,
they make more money.

Speaker 4 (02:37):
Like, it's just better for your life overall to have
a great sex life. It's not something that's separate from
your overall wellness.

Speaker 3 (02:46):
So okay, this is I love this. So what would
you describe a great sex life? How would you describe that?
What does that look like? Can it be different or
what is like a standard? If you're going to say,
this is a great sex life? What is it?

Speaker 5 (02:58):
Yeah, so I would say, I would say, ask a
social scientist, right, like, there is a definition of sexual satisfaction,
and sexual satisfaction is when you subjectively feel whole and
happy and fulfilled within your sex life and within your relationship.

Speaker 4 (03:18):
That in itself is the definition.

Speaker 5 (03:21):
Now, when people ask me like, well, how many times
in a week should I have sex with my partner?

Speaker 4 (03:25):
Right, that's the most asked question.

Speaker 3 (03:27):
That act. Your most asked question is how many times?
How many times is the right amount of times for
a great sex life? That is your most question. I
love it, Okay, what's your answer?

Speaker 5 (03:38):
Well, research found that couples who have sex at least
once a week tend to report to be the happiest
couples to have the highest level of sexual satisfaction. So
it's not me imposing the shoults because like, I'm never
a fan of you should do this, right, because nothing
works like that anymore, and nowadays in modern society, it's

(03:58):
like it just depends. Like, but it's not satisfying, isn't it.
Like when people ask like, what's a good sex type?
And I say it depends, They're like give me a number, like,
and I get it. You want to feel you want
to feel comforted by like am I doing okay? And
I think when I shared that research result like that
most couples in this big study found that they were

(04:20):
sexually satisfied and happy in that relationship when they maintain
about once a week having sex with their spouse or
their partner. A lot of people tend to have this
like sense of relief because I think they think that
other people are having sex like four or five times
a week.

Speaker 3 (04:36):
Right, Well, I agree with you. I can tell it,
like you can feel a difference when you're not connected
on that level. It's just it because I feel like
that is kind of the distinction between like a great
friend and you know your your lover, your person you're
intimate with, Like it really does. If you're not having

(04:56):
that connection, it's easy to drift apart by suspect.

Speaker 5 (05:00):
Yeah, but then again, like sexual frequency, also it comes
from being in a partnership. But a lot of times
people ask me questions about self pleasure all the time
because they're single and maybe they're dating, but they're not
in a spot where they're having sex with people. They're like, well,
how do I have a great sex life when I'm single?
And I said, self pleasure like masturbation, it's a whole thing,

(05:22):
and you know, it's scientifically proven to improve your life.
It improves your immune system, It improves your mood because
you still have you still have you know, dopamine, serotonin,
oxytocin when you orgasm on your own, and it improves
your self esteem because you know how to take care

(05:42):
of yourself. You know you're capable of feeling pleasure on
your own. So in a way like masturbation is is
like if you meditate, journal, you know, take vitamins, why
not masturbate well?

Speaker 3 (05:55):
And it kind of makes sense too though, And I
feel like we've had such a stigma for so long
about it. There's a lot of shame with it. And really,
I think you mentioned this in a post or an
article that you wrote. It's kind of what you just said.
You're taking care of your whole body. It's an organ,
it's a part of you that needs to be taken
care of as well or else. I feel like you
can have health issues if it's not Is that true?

(06:19):
Can't you have health issues if you're not activating your
sexual organs?

Speaker 4 (06:22):
Enough.

Speaker 5 (06:23):
Yeah, yeah, I mean there isn't like a direct clause effect,
but it impacts your overall well being, and a lot
of times the impact actually comes from the idea of
sexual frustrations. You know, people talk about like being sexually
frustrated and that raises your cortisol, which then like you know,
reduces the ability of your immune system.

Speaker 4 (06:45):
It affects your mental health.

Speaker 5 (06:46):
Right when you have high courtosol, your in stress mode,
and sexual frustration is correlated with high cortosol. So yeah,
you don't want to be sexually frustrated all the time. However,
that's sort of the epidemic of the world currently if
you look at it. I mean, single people can't find
partners and they're lonely and they find dating really difficult,

(07:09):
and they're exhausted and they just don't have that energy
to take care of themselves sexually. And then couples are
you know, reported being in sexless marriages. I mean, we
have high statistics showing how many people are like at
least you know, thirty percent of people have experienced being
in a sexless marriage or relationship. So it is like

(07:31):
a world epidemic, if you will.

Speaker 4 (07:33):
It's a lot of people.

Speaker 5 (07:35):
Are experiencing not having a good sex life.

Speaker 3 (07:40):
So how do you bring in the How I find
the right words for this because I feel like some
people are very like promiscuous, and maybe that is totally
that works for them. I am someone who I need
to be in a committed relationship. I don't feel valuable.

(08:02):
I don't feel like I have never been able to
be someone who's just like, let's have a hookup and
then that's it. I mean maybe, and I do believe
some people can do that, but like, how do you
put the value? How do you put the value of sex?
Because to me, there's a spiritual side of it too.
Do you feel that, yeah, oh big time, because it's

(08:22):
like when you are connecting with someone, you are sharing
your entire energy and life force with them. I mean
that's a sacred act, you know, and I feel like
it should be taken seriously. How do you feel about that?

Speaker 4 (08:34):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (08:34):
So there are different school of thoughts when it comes
to having sex early on in dating or like having
a hookup versus like having sex later on in your relationship.

Speaker 4 (08:43):
And there's people who.

Speaker 5 (08:45):
Subscribe to the idea of sexual compatibility model, which means
like when they go on a date. They want to
immediately figure out if this person is sexually compatible with them,
and that's why psychologically they choose to have sex early
or even entertain a hookup. Because some people can enjoy
sex as a recreational activity and that is like a

(09:07):
different part of the processing of the brain, like a
different personality, and some people enjoy that, like you said,
but then there are other people that can't enjoy it
because they're wired differently, and we typically call them demisexuals.

Speaker 4 (09:22):
Have you heard of that term? No?

Speaker 5 (09:24):
Yeah, So demisexuals are people that need emotional connection, a
strong emotional connection in order to.

Speaker 4 (09:32):
Have sex with someone.

Speaker 5 (09:34):
So you're not going to be able to have sex
with someone you met on the first date or even
second or maybe even third. It needs to feel close.
You need to feel safe, with value and valued. So
in that sense, you're a demisexual and you're wired in
that way, and there's a lot of people that are
wired in that way as well. Now you know, as

(09:54):
a professor of sexuality, there isn't like right or wrong
as long as people are being conscious and mindful. If
they are enjoying hookups, is it like a conscious hook up?

Speaker 3 (10:05):
Like?

Speaker 5 (10:05):
Yeah, Like we're both gonna get together, we're gonna get off,
take care of each other, and then leave right like
being conscious about what you're doing. But then there's also
people that are waiting forever and they're not opening up
to anyone, claiming that oh, they don't want to lose
this sexual energy. However, being alone can also you know,
lose your sexual energy. So I feel like there is

(10:28):
there is an extreme on both sides, people that just
hook up with everybody and not take care of their energy,
and then people that are too closed off.

Speaker 4 (10:36):
So I think it's all about becoming.

Speaker 5 (10:41):
In tune with your body and your spirituality and see
how you feel, and not being too closed off when
you feel like you really need that strong emotional connection,
but also communicating, Like if you're dating someone and you
do feel that sexual draw but you don't want to
have sex with them yet, perhaps communicate what you need
in order to feel even closer to them and valued

(11:03):
by them. Uh, maybe your love language is more quality time.
Maybe your love languages gifts. You know, like a lot
of people get bad reps for like liking gifts, but
I'm like, yeah, but it's a part of like top
five love languages some people feel valued when they get

(11:24):
gifts consistently. And I'm not saying, you know, huge gifts,
but like it's beata anyways. Yeah, yeah, So communicate what
you need to feel valued and enjoy and enjoy exploring
sex with the person.

Speaker 3 (11:46):
So you think on either end of the spectrum, communication
is key, Like do you think it's even if someone
is like prepared just to like have a random hooke cup,
do you still think communication is key, like to like
express your boundaries and what you're going in and just
so like, I mean, no one, a lot of people
don't do that the stay. You know, a lot of
people just like hook up and then there's a whole

(12:07):
fallout afterwards of you know, it can end in a
disaster or like someone's broken hearted or someone feels taken
advantage of. So like, do you feel like communication is
the baseline that needs to happen in any situation?

Speaker 5 (12:20):
One thousand percent. I conducted a study based on five
thousand subjects. So five thousand people took my survey and
participated in the study, and I found that the most
important predictor of a high level of sexual satisfaction in
sort of any circumstance is communication sexual communication, and that

(12:41):
can be communicating your boundaries, communicating your desires, communicating what
feels good what doesn't feel good during the act, communicating
what you will need during the act to feel even
valued within the casual sex realm, and also communicating what
you need to end it, like the resolution, right, Like
if you communicate like listen, like you know, I'm feeling myself.

(13:03):
I want to I want us to get together, like
let's go to my place, or let's go to a hotel,
let's like do this, but I want us to like
really take care of each other sexually, and then this
would be it, this would be the night and both
people agree. That can be a fun and recreational experience
for both people. But at the same time, like you said,
not a lot of people are doing that and they

(13:25):
get buyer's remorse.

Speaker 3 (13:27):
Oh feel used.

Speaker 4 (13:29):
A lot of women typically feel.

Speaker 3 (13:31):
Totally I feel like, but that's because.

Speaker 5 (13:33):
They engage in it through the act of people pleasing behavior,
Like if you are not doing things for yourself and like, oh,
I need to get off too, if you're not like
just a horny woman trying to get off and you're
doing it to please the person, then yeah, you're going
to feel used immediately.

Speaker 3 (13:52):
And I do feel like that is a problem with
a lot of women, is they want to be validated,
they want to be chosen, they want to be love
and they confuse that with sex sometimes. And I think
that is a big distinction, like because, like you say,
if you go into it consciously, if you have set
your boundaries, if you feel empowered, that's a totally different story.
But it is a problem when you're going into it

(14:14):
to try to be loved, you know.

Speaker 4 (14:17):
And I can change him.

Speaker 3 (14:19):
Right, and that never works, and then the woman most
of the time ends up feeling like you said, you
taking advantage of buyer's remorse. Bad. And it's a cycle.
So how can we encourage women to get women to
get out of that cycle and to get into an
empowered state of mind, Because I do feel like that
is the problem with sex with women, especially like early sex,

(14:41):
is a lot of women aren't doing it for the
right reasons. I feel that question.

Speaker 5 (14:46):
Oh yeah, I've seen that a lot, although I've seen
that a lot more as a pattern amongst millennials.

Speaker 4 (14:54):
Rather than gen zs.

Speaker 5 (14:56):
Gen zs are a lot more conscious about what they
want to do. A lot more open in terms of
like what sexual activity they want to do with who
they want to do it, what relationship structure, Like you know,
monogamy isn't necessarily always the only option for them. So
I've seen a pattern or a trend within gen zs

(15:16):
that are different. But yeah, Like I'm a millennial, and
I would say most of my clients that are female
millennials have experienced people pleasing behaviors that go into them
having a lot of casual sex or sex that they
didn't actually want to have but participated in any way
in order to get external validation.

Speaker 4 (15:36):
Now, how do you escape from that hell? Loop loop film?

Speaker 3 (15:41):
This is a great I'm so happy we're going to
talk about this because I feel, yeah, you need to
hear this.

Speaker 5 (15:45):
Yeah, So research found that women who have high level
of sexual self esteem do not engage in people pleasing sex. Now,
how do you have high level of sexual self esteem?
Sexual self esteem comes from knowing that you, your body,
your brain, your mind, your spirituality is worthy of pleasure

(16:09):
and worthy of love. And in order to even build
that from the to begin with, you have to have
self love. And I know that in modern society it's
such a buzzword to say self love, but scientifically speaking,
how do you build self love is you can do
it through various practices, but you need to do it
consistently over long period of time, and we have experimental

(16:34):
studies that show very positive results. So I think people
need to be patient while they do these activities. The
first thing is meditation, and it can be sexual empowerment meditation.
How is it different from regular meditation. It's similar, but
it focuses on sexual thoughts, sexual feelings and sensations in

(16:55):
the body. Because maybe when you meditate to get courage
work or meditate to feel confident today, it might not
involve those sexual elements. And that's why to build your
sexual self esteem, you need to try to do your
sexual meditation, and you can do it, you know, quietly,

(17:16):
while visualizing what a sexually fulfilled person look like for
you as yourself. But you can also use guided meditation
that I have for free on YouTube if you like
listening and just following instructions guided meditation. Yes, so if
you go to my name and just search sexual meditation,
doctor Tara will come up. These are just guided meditations

(17:39):
that were created for you to think sexual thoughts, feel
sexual feelings and feel the sensations in your body. So
that's the first practice that research found has helped, has
helped a lot of women around the world. Actually, there
is a big research institute at the University of British Columbia,
and it's so interesting because and I interview this professor.

(18:03):
She said that, like, you know, in this one study,
we enroll people who had cancer, women who had cancer
who reported feeling like nothing, like feeling no sexual desire whatsoever,
because they're going through such a.

Speaker 4 (18:15):
Huge health issue.

Speaker 5 (18:18):
But after enrolling in this sexual mindfulness activity intervention, a
lot of them have reported significant improvement in their sexual
desire and arousal, which to me is like, wow, it's
fascinating and it should be talked about more because it's free,
you know, like you don't need to be taking a

(18:38):
lot of these things or buy anything, like you just
need you. So the first thing is sexual meditation. The
second thing is actually writing things down. So research in
positive psychology mixed with human sexuality will indicate that writing
positive sexual affirmations in your journal actually helps. Yeah, it

(18:59):
feels weird and awkward the first few times, maybe even
the first two weeks, to write like you know I
am sexually empowered, right, Like I love my sexual energy.
If you've never written that before, might feel like a
little bit almost cocky, Like I love my I have
great sexual energy, I am seductive right. But at the
same time, like, we have research that shows that you know,

(19:21):
positive affirmations work, especially when you're writing it down and
saying it out loud. So the second method is is journaling.
The third method is start educating yourself within the realm
of sexuality. The book that every woman should have on
their shelf and I don't. I rarely say it should,

(19:41):
but I think this is a should is the book
by doctor Emmeline Nagowski called Come as You Are, And
it will help you feel so much more confident about
your sexuality because now you'll understand, like how does my
desire work?

Speaker 4 (19:57):
Why do I.

Speaker 5 (19:58):
Feel horny at days and not feel it in certain days?
Why do I not have desire for my husband? Why,
you know, why do I want to engage in sex
with this person when I'm just dating them like for
the second time. Like, there's so many questions that people
have that are answered in this book. And the psychology
behind sex education is people feel very scared and uncertain.

Speaker 4 (20:22):
When it comes to sex. They just they're winging it.

Speaker 5 (20:24):
We have millions of people around the world that are
just winging it in their sex life. And what we
see psychologically is there's a lot of uncertainty. When there's
a lot of uncertainty, you can't operate in a conscious
mind and mind so true, Yeah, you can't because you're just.

Speaker 3 (20:42):
Oh, I don't know, questioning yourself here. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (20:46):
Yeah, And the best way to reduce uncertainty is actually
through education. And it can be as simple as you know,
popping on an ebook and listening through and learning more
about your body, how your desire and arousal works, like
why sometimes you get wet sometimes you don't like. It's
just going to empower you because now you have information

(21:09):
and you feel more certain about your sexuality. So yeah,
those are just simple practices that you can do and
that will improve your sexual self esteem.

Speaker 3 (21:21):
So how did you get into this business, because there's
you have a lot of accolades. Let me kind of
go through these. You're a tenured professor of relational and
sexual communication in Quantitative Research at California State University, Bullerton. Okay,
you got your tenure at thirty three. You're an award
winning researcher, TV sexpert on celebsco dating, a columnist on

(21:43):
Women's Health magazine. You're like the Carrie Bradshaw. You're like
the Carry Bradshaw. You're a host of Love Bites podcast,
and you're also a new co host of Loveline, the
iconic radio show. I mean, that's just some of the
things you're doing. You really are like today's Carrie Bradshaw.

Speaker 4 (22:00):
I am, I really am.

Speaker 5 (22:01):
We are?

Speaker 3 (22:02):
What is how did you step into this line of
work and how did you become this? I was reading
your columns for Women's Health and I was like, oh
my gosh, I feel like this is Sex and the
City like so much.

Speaker 4 (22:11):
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 5 (22:13):
I actually I loved Sex and the City when I
was young, like watching Sex and the City and feeling
like feeling like really identifying with Samantha.

Speaker 3 (22:22):
Oh Samantha.

Speaker 5 (22:24):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (22:24):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (22:25):
You have always been very like free and okay.

Speaker 5 (22:30):
Yeah, I've always been sexually curious. But but no, I
actually I grew up very.

Speaker 3 (22:34):
Religious and I I'm from where are you from?

Speaker 5 (22:39):
I'm from Thailand, okay, And I went to an all
girls Catholic school in Thailand.

Speaker 4 (22:44):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 3 (22:45):
Okay, when did you move to the United States fifteen
years ago? Okay, so you grew up very Catholic, very religious.

Speaker 5 (22:55):
Not well, I grew up Buddhist religious, a religious Buddhist,
but going to an all girls Catholic school.

Speaker 4 (23:02):
Very confusing.

Speaker 3 (23:03):
That is confusing. How did that happen?

Speaker 4 (23:05):
My parents wanted me to go to this private school
and it's an all girls Catholic school.

Speaker 5 (23:10):
But yeah, so like learning you know, all about like
God and Jesus, but also like Buddha and like praying
and meditating. It's just learning a lot about spirituality and
being interested in like just how different people think.

Speaker 4 (23:25):
Because I grew up so differently.

Speaker 3 (23:27):
So what was that like to be Buddhist at home
and Catholic at school and having these two different religions
greatly influence you at such a young age. How did
that affect your concept of spirituality? How do you view
spirituality with such different uh, you know mindsets? Were you
able to merge them?

Speaker 2 (23:47):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (23:47):
Okay, tell me how you how you merge them?

Speaker 5 (23:51):
Yeah? I mean now I very much merged them, but
it took me a long time.

Speaker 4 (23:55):
To get here.

Speaker 5 (23:56):
I mean when I was young, you know, we would
pray and meditate at home as Buddhists and go to
temple as Buddhists. But then when I go to school,
you know, we pray like we go, you know, in
the name of the Father and of the Son and
of the Holy Spirit. So I learned both practices and
practice both of them. But when I got older and studying,

(24:19):
also studying like religious wars, it did my faith in
organized religion had deterorated quite a bit due to all
the violence that has happened because of people's beliefs.

Speaker 4 (24:38):
So I went through all of.

Speaker 5 (24:40):
That and had a a whole face in my twenties
of like, oh, I'm.

Speaker 4 (24:43):
Atheists, right, you know what.

Speaker 3 (24:45):
I always think those are good seasons to have, because
that means you're actively questioning your faith. You know, you're
not just taking it for face value. You're actually going
into a deep relationship and you're trying to understand why
you believe what you believe, which I think personally, I
think it's healthy because then you know why you have
a faith. Ultimately, when you if you come back around

(25:05):
to it, you know that it's real, you.

Speaker 5 (25:07):
Know, yeah, it is very real now. I Yeah, I
definitely talk to God every day. I talk to the
universe every day. I still have spiritual like Buddhist practices
that I do every day, like praying to ancestors and
praying to different gods and goddesses. But yeah, I would

(25:30):
say Holly THEUS like would be my situation. Like I
enjoyed various aspects of different religion. Like my friend invited
me to like come to church because they have like
singing and there's like a band. Like I'm like, oh,
that's fun and it's a cool community thing, you know.
Another friend invited me to go pray to like a

(25:54):
tree because they're pagan, you know, and like.

Speaker 4 (25:58):
Give like rainbow scarves to trees. Like I've tried that.

Speaker 5 (26:02):
Like, I just, uh, I think there is I think
there is a much stronger spiritual force out there that's
much bigger than all of us. And people can say God,
people can say universe or any other terms, but I
know that there's that outside of us, and I believe
in that.

Speaker 3 (26:22):
What about you, I kind of have been on just
journeys in general. I have always been a questioner and
a seeker, and I grew up super well. I grew
up episcopalian. I always had a very great religious foundation
as I got older, I just got curious about other
religions too, and just like kind of thinking that there

(26:44):
I kind of feel I just felt like there were
a lot of ways to be spiritual. And I feel
like I've just come to terms with my own relationship
and the fact that I just I have now a
very personal relationship. I feel God in my heart and
I don't necessarily need someone else to explain it to me.
Like I definitely love to go to church, I will

(27:05):
love to be involved with anything spiritual. I love to
be in communities of spirituality. But I just feel like
I have my own relationship after like years of just
trying to find my own self worth and trying to
figure out what this life means and why we're here
and what, Like you said, why are there all these wars?
Why is there all this suffering? Why are people born

(27:26):
in terrible situations while other people weren't into good situations?
Why do we have these sexual desires? Why do we
like why are some people unable to do Why do
some people do bad things with the human with our
human instincts and other peoples can figure out how to
channel them in positive and like it's just like it's
so confusing to be a human.

Speaker 1 (27:46):
You know.

Speaker 3 (27:47):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (27:47):
I remember when I was young, like feeling very spiritual
because of all the you know, religious practices.

Speaker 4 (27:53):
That I was doing.

Speaker 5 (27:54):
But then like having my one of my best friend's
mom like dying of cancer and she an angel, So
I'm just like, why would It's not fair? Yeah, why
would this woman experience this? And you know, yeah, it
really makes you question. But then at the end of
the day, like you said, like, I think it's with
God's like within you, and if you can find that

(28:15):
personal relationship, I think it's the best because you don't
need external factors to influence like how you feel with
the higher Being, which is I think the most powerful
thing if you can access at any time you want.

Speaker 3 (28:39):
Yeah, okay, So tell me how did you become a
tenured professor a relational and sexual communication? First off, when
did you how did you get to the United States?
What brought you here? And then how did you get
into this deep study of just sexual wellness and all
the research that you've done to become an actual professor?
And he wrote a textbook?

Speaker 4 (28:58):
Right, Yeah, I mean how did that happen?

Speaker 5 (29:01):
I wrote a textbook and I'm actually My fun book
called how do you Like It? A Guide to Getting
What you Want in Bed is coming out soon. Congratulations,
the pre sales open. If I can send you a book,
I would.

Speaker 4 (29:15):
I would love. It's like it's like sex education one
oh one.

Speaker 3 (29:19):
I love that. That's amazing. What's in the book. Tell
me about the book. Tell me about your this book,
and then tell me about your textbook and your teaching.
I want to know how you got into this deep
research to write books about it.

Speaker 4 (29:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (29:29):
Yeah, so this book, how do you like it? It's
it stems from my students in college saying like there
should be like a fun book that you write that
everybody has on their shelves. That's like basically this class,
but you know, more fun.

Speaker 4 (29:42):
I'm like, this class is fun.

Speaker 3 (29:45):
So you're teaching this in at college? Yeah?

Speaker 4 (29:47):
Yeah, I teach human sexuality in college.

Speaker 3 (29:50):
Yeah it's amazing.

Speaker 4 (29:51):
Yeah yeah.

Speaker 5 (29:51):
It's a comprehensive sex education class and students love it.
I mean it's full when five minutes when registration open.
So cause like you all want god sex education, and yeah,
you're right.

Speaker 4 (30:03):
When they're in college and they're you know, twenty twenty one,
they're like.

Speaker 3 (30:05):
That's when you need it the most.

Speaker 4 (30:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (30:07):
Yeah, because everyone's exploring, so it's better to be safe
and to understand yourself and others. So yeah, I wrote
this book because I just thought it was time to
to create something that will be helpful to the.

Speaker 4 (30:23):
Mass and not just in my classroom.

Speaker 3 (30:25):
Uh.

Speaker 5 (30:26):
It has three main sections. So the first section is you,
which helps you understand yourself. There is a whole like
sex personality test, so you can take the test and
you will learn like your acronyms, kind of like the
Meyers Bricks test where you're like, hey e NFJIMTP kind
of like that, but for sex. So you'll have language

(30:46):
to talk about, like who you are sexually and what
you like. So that's the first part of the book
is understanding yourself.

Speaker 3 (30:53):
And are there certain categories? Are there? Like how many
categories can you fall into when you're sixteen? Sixteen?

Speaker 4 (31:00):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (31:01):
Yeah, Hey, what are the ranges? What does it range from?

Speaker 5 (31:04):
So it ranges from maybe someone who is completely monogamous,
who enjoy stable sex life, more consistent sexual like moves
and positions like why why fix something that is not
broken kind of situation, to people that are extremely kinky,
people that enjoy sex within like multiple partners, and so

(31:26):
it's it's a big, big spectrum, and there's different categories
you fall into. There are four main categories, and so
within the four main things you can kind of fall
into like different variations of it.

Speaker 3 (31:38):
Okay, categories, what do they call it? What are the
four main categories called?

Speaker 5 (31:43):
Yeah, so you're either like dynamic or consistent, which means
like you are you enjoy dynamic sex, meaning you enjoy
sex in various places, in various positions, you like changing
things up, you like different toys versus people who are consistent.

Speaker 4 (31:58):
Meaning they love the main way.

Speaker 5 (32:01):
That they are able to achieve orgasm and they enjoy
the same way throughout and it's like beautiful and a
good sex life for them. So there is there's no like,
better or words in any of these categories, just who
you are. The second one is whether you are monogamous
or flexible. Monogamous people can only emotionally have sex with

(32:23):
one person and they are not open to any ideas
of like, let's say, a threesome or even exploring other
non monogamous situation. So there's that's the second one, and
then we have whether you're more vanilla or more kinky,
and then we have whether you're more expressive, like animalistic,

(32:45):
or you're more gentle. So within these four, right, you
generate the different like I generate the sixteen different personality
sex personality types. So you'll learn like who you are,
and you can use that to talk about sex with
your partner, maybe someone you're dating or like your partner. Yeah,
you can see if you match up, but you can

(33:07):
also see how to tune in more towards each other.

Speaker 4 (33:10):
It will help you understand the difference. If there's already friction.

Speaker 5 (33:14):
In the sex life, within your marriage or in your relationship,
you can identify what the problem is through this test
and then talk about how to get together and figure
out a solution.

Speaker 3 (33:25):
So, yeah, it's so true because you may just both
be needing something different, Like you're talking about love languages earlier.
Some people like gives. Some people are act a service,
some people are words of affirmation, some people are time.
And it's the same thing with like how you are,
how you're sexually wired, and like just knowing how the
other person is wired is that's a light bulb.

Speaker 4 (33:47):
It is. It is a light bulb moment. And I
think when I first like thought about it to create it.

Speaker 5 (33:51):
I was like, wow, this is going to help so
many people figure out their own shit, right, like figure
out who they are, how they exist within this sexual realm,
but also like who their partner is, and then come
together to communicate what they actually need and like fix
their relationship.

Speaker 4 (34:09):
So that's a whole first section.

Speaker 3 (34:12):
It's understanding huge. Yeah you're also you're taking the shame
out of it too, because it's like this is a test.
This is just a test, and this is just who
I am, and none of it's better or worse. It's
just identifying who you are, which is so helpful for
your partnership.

Speaker 4 (34:30):
Yeah, yeah, thank you so much.

Speaker 5 (34:31):
When I created it, I was like, wow, this is
this is going to help so many people. I had
my light bulb moment as well, where I'm like, oh,
I'm really excited about this. So then the second section
is all about you and them. So it's about interpersonal communication.
How to communicate in various different sex related scenarios, from
like initiating from how to accept initiation in different ways,

(34:55):
how to express a show sexual confidence in how to
communicate your boundaries in a way that's you know, understandable
and accessible to your partner and you know, don't basically
offend them because a lot of people wonder that right,
like they want certain things, but they don't know how
to say it because they don't want to offend that

(35:16):
pontner or make that partner feel less than.

Speaker 3 (35:18):
So you're many people just a way to express themselves
without shame ultimately, because this is how you communicate it.
The second is how you communicate it with your partner.

Speaker 5 (35:26):
Pretty much, Yeah, how to communicate with your partner about
your sex life, about the relationship, about dating, and also how.

Speaker 4 (35:34):
To dirty talk.

Speaker 5 (35:35):
There's a whole chapter about how to dirty talk, very spicy, very.

Speaker 3 (35:41):
How do you dirty talk? What is the correct way?
Is there a correct way? There?

Speaker 4 (35:48):
A correct way would be a way that both people
find arousing.

Speaker 3 (35:52):
This is amazing that this is in a book, because yeah,
this is just floating out there in the atmosphere and
people are just grabbing things and doing their own thing.
But to have like a sex expert say, okay, let's
like lock this down and get clear about it so
you can have a very clear understanding with your partner.
I mean, it's only going to help the relationship.

Speaker 5 (36:13):
Yeah, one thousand percent. I mean everything is in this
one book. It's sort of like just a manual.

Speaker 4 (36:20):
Or your sex life. And if you ever want to
dig deeper, you.

Speaker 5 (36:23):
Can always like read like research and stuff like that,
but like this book is just like a manual for
a great sex life.

Speaker 3 (36:29):
So yeah.

Speaker 5 (36:30):
The third section is you and in the Culture, So like,
how has culture influenced the way you think about sex
and sexuality? And how to get rid of cultural shame
and how to accept who you are and feel empowered.

Speaker 4 (36:45):
So it ends that way.

Speaker 3 (36:47):
So ultimately this is about getting clear with who you are. Ultimately.

Speaker 4 (36:52):
Yeah, it's such a huge personal development.

Speaker 3 (36:54):
Yeah, I mean sex is such a huge part of
our life. We're influenced it all over place by by
all over the place by like advertisement, music, just culture
in general, and we're shaying sex on us constantly, and
it is very confusing sometimes to know who am I
at the core. And you're like, well, let's get clear
about it. So you can hire your best life, yeah,
and your best relationship.

Speaker 4 (37:16):
Yeah that's a great summary. Can I hire you as
my policism?

Speaker 3 (37:20):
Yes?

Speaker 4 (37:21):
Summary?

Speaker 3 (37:21):
So how did you get started? So you came over
here fifteen years ago and yeah, and you immediately how
did just tell me your story. Tell me your story
of like coming to America, getting interested in sex education,
becoming a teacher, writing a textbook. What do you teach
in college? Like that? I mean that is that is
probably like a you walk a fine line teaching sex

(37:43):
education to college students. Yeah, to communicate them that to
them is probably a fine art.

Speaker 5 (37:49):
Oh I walk that fine line every day.

Speaker 3 (37:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (37:54):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (37:55):
So I I first came to America to pursue a
master's degree in human communication, but particularly studying relationships. I
found passion in understanding and studying relationship because back when
I was doing my undergrad I learned that, you know,
one of the main factors of having a happy life,

(38:16):
based on the really large study done by Harvard, is
actually your relationships.

Speaker 4 (38:21):
Like your relationships in your.

Speaker 5 (38:23):
Life dictate like how happy your life is and within
the longevity of your life too. So then I thought, like, wow,
that's that's so cool, that this one thing, it's so
so important to how you feel every day, how you
function every day, how you show up at work, how
you show up as a person. So I just thought
I wanted to study important skills in a relationship.

Speaker 4 (38:46):
So it was basic like that.

Speaker 5 (38:48):
Like, I just want to understand more, like what are
the skills I need in a relationship. So I applied
and I got in. I came to America to study
Masters in Human Communication and Relationships. Then started studying that,
learning more about, you know, what you need within a relationship,
how to communicate in a relationship, but also studying like
how culture affects relationship. Then I came across a study

(39:13):
and also meanwhile like all of this, like I was
just dating a bunch of different people, did not understand myself,
had a very low sexual self esteem in my early twenties,
didn't really have any direction apart from school, and I
was good at school, so I just stuck with it.
So I learned through one of the studies that I

(39:34):
read that sex is the most universal problem in this world.
Regardless of people's racial background, how much money they make,
how they grow, how they grew up, or you know,
what their religion is, Like, every single person will experience
a sex related problem at some point in their lives. Yeah,

(39:57):
and you can totally see it. I mean I was experiencing,
you know, a sex problem, yeah, because I was having
a lot of casual sex, not understanding you know, what
we were talking about earlier in this episode about like
needing external validation. I went through that, So studying that
really helped me feel more empowered, and that's why I
wanted to study even more about romantic relationships. So I

(40:21):
applied to a bunch of PhD programs, got in a
PhD program with full Rise scholarship, so I was able
to like study and actually started teaching classes within the
realm of relationships, so relational communication. And four years of
my PhD, I graduated learned a lot about different things

(40:41):
attachment style, which is like really important to understand love styles,
sexual communication, how technology affects relationships, but also how different
cultural backgrounds and interracial relationships work.

Speaker 4 (40:56):
So I was studying like a lot about different types
of relationship and what affects a good relationship. And then
I apply to get a job.

Speaker 5 (41:05):
So I got a job as a professor at cal
State University and started teaching sexual communication, which is a
sex at one oh one class and teach that's what
I teach human sexuality within the college like at cal
State University, and my students are gen zs, like kids

(41:26):
that are twenty twenty one, twenty two and are really
sexually exploring or you know, they're dating their first or
second partner and they're just curious to learn more. And
it's a very popular class.

Speaker 3 (41:40):
How do you approach that class? Like what do you
teach them in that class?

Speaker 5 (41:45):
Yeah, from a very social scientific manner, like a lot
of research findings, but also just also personal experience, Like
I share with them my personal experience so they understand
like my struggles and what I've gone through to get
here and making it more relatable for them. But a
lot of it is presenting research which is within the

(42:06):
textbook that we wrote that my co author is an iron.
So this class starts from the very very basic, which
is anatomy. A lot of people have never looked at
their own valva, a vagina or penis. Like my homework
is like, you know, get a mirror and like, look
at your vulva and your vagina Tonight, next class, I

(42:29):
want you to come back and share.

Speaker 4 (42:30):
How you feel about it, how you feel about that experience.

Speaker 5 (42:34):
Most of ninety nine percent of them have never looked
at it, like carefully looking and investigating the different parts
and the labia and even giving them language. They were
like WHOA, I didn't know I just thought like everything
was vagina. I'm like, no, there's so many different parts.
There's the glitterers, there's a labia majora labia manora. There's
the vaginal opening, there's the vagina is inside. The outside

(42:58):
is called the valva. So for them, it's like even
the first class, they were like whoa, this is crazy.
And then we move on to understanding like what quote
unquote like losing your virginity means, because there's a lot
of research within that. We actually, as social scientists, we
call it sexual debut. It's a lot more positive because

(43:21):
you're not losing anything.

Speaker 4 (43:22):
It's a debut. Okay, so we call it sexual.

Speaker 5 (43:25):
Debut instead of losing your virginity. So talk about that,
talk about what it means, how you shouldn't be ashamed,
and then go on to talk about understanding yourself, so
kind of like my book, like understanding yourself, communicating your desires,
and then it ends with sexual wellness throughout the lifetime.
So talking about sex and aging.

Speaker 3 (43:48):
Okay, how long have you been teaching this class?

Speaker 4 (43:51):
Eight years?

Speaker 3 (43:52):
Oh my gosh?

Speaker 5 (43:53):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (43:54):
And then did you just blow up on TikTok? Did
you when did you become this Bier phenomen like the
sex expert around the world.

Speaker 5 (44:03):
Yeah, I mean the Internet's residence expert. That's what Paper
magazine said.

Speaker 4 (44:08):
So I just coined it, like I just kept it.

Speaker 3 (44:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (44:12):
So four years ago.

Speaker 5 (44:16):
I earned early tenure in promotion five years ago, so
about five and a half. About five or four years ago,
I was thinking about, you know, what would be like
a fun thing to do outside of class, Like as
a professor, I love teaching, but I was thinking of
something that's new and challenging for me. And my students
were like, you should have a podcast. You're so entertaining.
Just have a podcast and talk about like different sex things.

Speaker 4 (44:38):
I said, oh, I don't even know. I've at that point.

Speaker 5 (44:41):
I have never listened to a podcast, and I don't
know how to start. And so actually a student helped
me start a podcast.

Speaker 4 (44:49):
Yeah, that's amazing.

Speaker 5 (44:51):
And I started my podcast Love Bites to talk about
sexual exploration, so like every episode is like different sex
related topic. And from that, I started TikTok and Instagram
to promote my podcast. But it kind of has its
own life, like it, you know, my TikTok and Instagram
blew up, like people really love those short form content
that was just like unshaming different sex related activities and

(45:17):
just help people feel more comfortable with themselves when it
comes to their sexuality. So yeah, like this my social
media is like four years old now and it's just
been it blew up and all the media opportunities just
came in, like the radio show, the column, the TV show,
and I'm actually doing another TV show now that's going
to be coming out in the US.

Speaker 4 (45:38):
So yeah, it's.

Speaker 5 (45:39):
Just a really cool crossing over from academia and being
a professor to like being in media, because that wasn't
my intention originally.

Speaker 3 (45:58):
How is it being on the show? What's the show called?
It's called uh Celet's Go Dating, So Let's Go Dating
And that's in London, right yeah?

Speaker 4 (46:06):
Yeah, So this is a UK TV show.

Speaker 5 (46:09):
It's like season fourteen, but I've I've been on the
last three, so like I've done three seasons and it's.

Speaker 4 (46:16):
Really really fun. It's a huge show.

Speaker 5 (46:18):
The premise is we have about six or seven celebrities
in each year at our celebrity matchmaking agency, and so
we matchmake them with non celebrities.

Speaker 1 (46:29):
Oh and then give.

Speaker 5 (46:31):
Them therapy like coach them and then send them out
on a date and fini, Yeah, we have many, like
they're still dating.

Speaker 4 (46:40):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have many.

Speaker 3 (46:42):
So you are really able to like look at someone
probably use your studies, your research, and figure out what
they're actually looking for and what they're compatible with.

Speaker 5 (46:53):
Yeah, And a lot of it is just coaching them
through their personal development to become someone that is datable.

Speaker 4 (47:04):
A lot of people are not datable.

Speaker 3 (47:06):
What makes someone not datable? And then how do you
make them datable when they.

Speaker 5 (47:10):
Have a lot of toxic patterns that they're unaware of low, Yeah,
that they're unaware of and they haven't worked on themselves. Uh,
People who are unhealed from their traumas and like even
bad relational experiences in the past, and they have a
lot of baggage that they haven't worked on. People who
have like very low EQ.

Speaker 4 (47:32):
Emotional intelligence, don't know how to process emotions. They tend
to blow up.

Speaker 5 (47:37):
They tend to have like almost bipolar tendencies, like really
happy about something, really upset about something. So there's a
lot of people that are not datable because they haven't
worked on themselves.

Speaker 4 (47:46):
Because that's just the harsh truth.

Speaker 3 (47:48):
And you know what the thing is, if I'm seeing
from myself because I've done so much constant work on myself.
It is hard to do the work. But if you
don't do the work, you there's no way you can
get into a good relationship. You're so right, because all
of your past traumas, all of your character defects that
you've carried with you that you haven't worked on, they're

(48:09):
just gonna plague every relationship you have, So you'll have
the same problems over and over again, and eventually, even
if you end up with a good person, you'll probably
ruin it because you can't see past your own your
own problem in the situation. And everyone has trauma, you know.
So you just have to like get to the point
where you're willing to do the hard work, you know

(48:29):
what you think, And if you're not, you probably aren't
ready for a relationship a sustain a good, sustainable one exactly.

Speaker 5 (48:37):
And I mean I said the same thing. It's like
when people come to me, When women come to me
and go like why do I keep dating bad men?
Like where are the good men? I'm like, well, maybe
you're not ready for a good man. And that's the
harsh truth.

Speaker 3 (48:51):
And it's not because they don't be quite shocked. They're like,
but they haven't looked at their at their self yet,
have they? Yeah, because they're probably very sweet and kind,
but they're not. There are so many problems they haven't
dealt with.

Speaker 4 (49:03):
Yeah, exactly, like you have problems.

Speaker 5 (49:06):
That's why there is this dating pattern that you engage in,
Like you forget that you fifty percent of the equation
engage in these bad relationships. So first you have to
work on you. Like, I love this saying that. Actually
my husband taught me a few years ago. It's like,
build a beautiful garden and the butterflies will come.

Speaker 4 (49:30):
It's so true, isn't it.

Speaker 5 (49:31):
It's also within friendships and networking for work, Like when
you exude positive energy in your life is going great
and you have worked on yourself and you're just healthy,
you have this aura that people just want to be around,
and so romantically speaking, you will just naturally attract the
right people in your life. So yeah, working on yourself

(49:52):
is like number one requirement in order to have a
good relationship. But then again, I can't discount the fact
that it's all harder now to date than ever before
because in the past, like your.

Speaker 4 (50:05):
Friends introduce you, you meet at the gym, you meet
in college, you meet at a coffee shop. Now it's
like social media dating apps, and it's exhausting.

Speaker 3 (50:14):
Oh, I can't imagine being out there in the world
right now.

Speaker 4 (50:18):
Like I mean, really, what's your relationship status.

Speaker 3 (50:23):
So I've been married for eleven years and we date.
We dated, so we grew up together. And I have
to say, like, I am so proud of my marriage
because we have done the hard work together, Like we
have gone in. We started dating when we were in
our early twenties, and so we both have just like
gone in and done our own personal healing. We healed

(50:46):
together as a couple, Like we have not shied away
from the hard, hard work and facing the hard truth
that we needed to in the traumas and like healing.
And we've done a lot of healing work together.

Speaker 5 (51:00):
I love that, which is what we were there. Like
what were the modalities, Like were you doing like couples
counseling or like mutual like mutual masturbation.

Speaker 3 (51:11):
We've never done like the tantric stuff like maybe that's
on our partment, that's next next. Maybe you got to
clear the you know, get the foundation strong, and now
we'll enter into this next realm with you, doctor Tara. Yeah, No,
we did a lot of like top therapy. We have
done a different like forms of like I did. I

(51:32):
had gone through lots of miscarriages and I ended up
doing when going with a healer and doing a couple
of mushroom journeys and like went into like my deep
psyche and like that was very eye opening. That was
a very healing experience. Uh, just like, yeah, We've done
a lot of different forms of therapies to love that

(51:57):
to get to the core of what is the true
pain in our life that we need to address that
is causing you know, the ripple effect of that's causing
us to have things to do things that we don't
want to do, like have bad habits or you know,
just really honestly, we've just cleaned up our whole life.
We've just analyzed, we've done a full audit, done a
full audit, and we've done it together. And so like,

(52:19):
now that we've been married eleven years, I'm like, dang,
Like I'm just so proud of us because we still
love each other. We're still so attracted to each other
and we like have such a strong foundation. But it
definitely was hard work. It was not easy.

Speaker 5 (52:32):
I love that you talk about this publicly because a
lot of people like to present that their relationship is
so perfect.

Speaker 3 (52:40):
It's not perfect without the hard work, there's no way. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (52:43):
They like to present just the good parts and they
don't want to talk about the fact that they, like
people are still ashamed.

Speaker 4 (52:48):
They go to couple's counselor like, oh my gosh, I
think they're still ashamed.

Speaker 5 (52:52):
They don't tell other people. They're like they're a shamed Yeah,
like they do it in secret. I mean I know
this because I'm a provider, Like I have a private practice,
and I know that.

Speaker 4 (53:00):
People are so ashamed.

Speaker 5 (53:01):
They're like, oh, we would never tell people that, you know,
we would never tell like my friends or yeah, like
it's still.

Speaker 4 (53:06):
A huge taboo.

Speaker 5 (53:07):
So the fact that you're just publicly talking about like
doing all these things to improve your relationship, I think
it's so important to help people feel less shame and
just like just go do it.

Speaker 3 (53:18):
Just she does it, do it? Well, it just got
do it because, like, like you said, relationships are the
most important part of your life, Like they're going to
determine your happiness, and if one or both of you
is toxic and have toxic trauma and pain and character
traits that are really negatively affecting the relationship and you're

(53:39):
not willing to work on it, then how on earth
are you ever going to get to a healthy relationship.
And it kind of goes back to what you're saying before.
It's like you go to the gym regularly, you pay
attention to what you eat, you pay attention to who
you hang out with, like you are selective about like
where you spend your time and energy. It's like, why
would you not put that same energy into improve your relationship?

(54:00):
And a lot of times you don't know the tools
and so you need someone to help you. Like I
have learned so many tools from therapy that like, now
I have so many tools, so it's like I don't
need to go all the time to therapy like I
did when I was learning things and sifting through my life.
But it's like, Okay, you have to go learn those tools,
and it's okay if you don't know them, you know,
you have to be willing to go learn.

Speaker 5 (54:22):
Yeah, exactly. I think that willingness and initiation is really important.
People get stuck in their ways because they're not willing
to change and they're not taking initiative.

Speaker 4 (54:34):
Yeah, willingness and initiation is.

Speaker 5 (54:36):
Almost even like even more important than to work itself,
because people get so stuck in their ways and they're
afraid that like changing means that their current person is
a bad person, right when inside it's just like you're
just improving yourself.

Speaker 4 (54:49):
It's like taking vitamins. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 (54:52):
And then when you do it with your partner, like
Michael and I've done, it's like so amazing to see
how far you've come together and like how healthy we
both are, like physically, mentally, spiritually, as a really as
a couple. It's like, man, and like you are so
proud of how far you've come and your related years.

Speaker 4 (55:08):
You have passed all the itches in so true.

Speaker 3 (55:12):
Yeah, it is.

Speaker 5 (55:13):
So we have like five year itch, seven year itch,
and ten year Okay. People tend to like get a divorce, so.

Speaker 3 (55:21):
What are they what happens at five year? Is it
just like oh my gosh, what have I done with
my life?

Speaker 5 (55:26):
The lack of desire for each other? Okay, Yeah, because
that's when you hit like the first dry streak of like, well,
I've I've now had sex with this one person for
five years a long time.

Speaker 4 (55:37):
Yeah, yeah, like it's been a long time.

Speaker 5 (55:40):
There's no variations, like what can we do to explore
new things? But a lot of people don't do that
and they shove in their resentment towards the other person
sexually and that becomes a big problem. So they like
there's a big divorce rate during like five years, and
then seven years is typically like they have children, right,

(56:00):
like statistically speaking, not to say everyone need to have children,
like you really don't need to, I don't have children,
but a statistically speaking, most couples have children by like
seven years. And that's like also a problem because becoming
parents like completely new roles and if you're not communicating
openly and you're not communicating communicating your needs as a person,

(56:25):
then you then you're then you're gone. Then now you're
just a mom and all you feel like you can
be is a mom and you are not a woman,
Like what about the woman in you that also has
needs and other things and there's be loved and show romance, and.

Speaker 3 (56:38):
There's a death that happens when you become a mom,
like because your forerself dies like literally like you who
you were before completely dies and like it comes back
around and like you find those pieces of yourself, but
like you are never the same person again, and it's
like you have totally different instincts kicking different Like yes,

(56:58):
it's like it's after having a baby. It is like
an awakening across the yard.

Speaker 4 (57:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (57:05):
Yeah, and that in itself also can become an issue.

Speaker 3 (57:09):
Yes, because I've had a lot of cris Yeah, not
work together during that time because and you have hormones
that are out of control, you know, your feelings or
next many factors.

Speaker 5 (57:20):
Yes, yeah, And in my private practice, I see like
when people have young children and the main telltale sign
that the woman is like unhappy with the romantic and
the sexual side of the relationship is when she comes
in and she goes, well, well, like what can I say,
I'm just a mom, Like but you're not, though, Like

(57:42):
you're also the woman, Like you're also Ashley, Like there
was a woman before this baby came in.

Speaker 4 (57:47):
And yes, this baby.

Speaker 5 (57:48):
Is the most important thing in your life, but you
are the most important thing in your life.

Speaker 3 (57:53):
So true.

Speaker 5 (57:54):
Yeah, Like if you are not functioning at one hundred percent,
you are giving this little baby. You know, sixty five
percent of who you are, and you are unsatisfied, you're frustrated,
Like all of those things will transfer. So when people
go like, yeah, I don't care about sex and intimacy,
I only like take care of my baby, Like.

Speaker 3 (58:13):
That's a case of death for your relationship.

Speaker 4 (58:15):
Exactly, it really is.

Speaker 3 (58:17):
And it's easy to like in those beginning phases with
a baby to be so in an alternate world. But like,
you have to maintain your relationship, you really do.

Speaker 4 (58:26):
God, Yeah, that connection and romance, it's so important.

Speaker 3 (58:30):
I always think when people say, like about a woman, oh,
she's just the most selfless woman, like it's a compliment,
And I'm like, that is not a compliment, Like, to
be the most selfless person is not a compliment, because
that means you are completely disregarding your own needs. And
if you don't take care of your own needs, you're
going to have secret resentment inside of you. Because it's

(58:50):
not that you don't want to take care of all
of your family and all of the people that you're
responsible and responsible for and give them everything you can.
But if you don't feel like if your cup's not full,
like you're saying, how on earth can you be a
good partner? A good mother, a good friend, any of it.

Speaker 5 (59:06):
Yeah, that's why, like self care is actually the most
important practice, and then you can take care of other people.

Speaker 3 (59:13):
Yes, it's so true. Yeah, yeah, this is so amazing.
I have absolutely just loved chatting with you. Tell me
where people can find your book, Where people can find you?
Where can we keep up with everything, doctor Tara?

Speaker 5 (59:28):
Yes, so my instagram and TikTok is at lovebytes dot co.
That's l u v b I t e s dot co.
My book is called how do You Like It? A
Guide Forgetting what you Want in Bed? It's now available
for pre orders and you can search the name of
the book, or you can go to my website lovebytes
dot co and there will be a link there. There

(59:49):
will also be a link on my Instagram.

Speaker 3 (59:51):
And does that lead you to your podcasts and everything
as well?

Speaker 4 (59:54):
Yes, the link on my Instagram leads to everything.

Speaker 3 (59:57):
You are a busy woman, you got it going on? Yeah? Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:00:01):
But see, like that's a big sacrifice in my life,
isn't it. It's to not have children, like I originally
really wanted to have children. And that's a whole big
conversation of working through that and actually through mushrooms.

Speaker 3 (01:00:14):
Really, So you decided you aren't going to have children?

Speaker 4 (01:00:18):
No?

Speaker 3 (01:00:19):
Right? How did you decide that that?

Speaker 5 (01:00:23):
I felt so connected to my number one purpose in life,
which is to be put here to help people connect better,
to feel less shame, and to experience more pleasure in
every way possible in their life.

Speaker 4 (01:00:41):
And I think that's my baby. Did you have a purpose?

Speaker 3 (01:00:45):
Did you have a moment where you because you said
you wanted to have children and then you decided not to.
Did you have a moment where you felt like you
couldn't do both? Mm hmm and then when when did
that happen? And how did you reach that awareness?

Speaker 4 (01:00:59):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (01:01:00):
So I was going through like IVS, and it was
just because we were trying naturally for a long time
and then I was going through IVS.

Speaker 4 (01:01:07):
But then it just felt so forced.

Speaker 5 (01:01:09):
And I'm a huge believer in good things come easily,
that the universe, that there's you know, a destiny for you,
and yeah, like you know there are real there's free
will and choices, but ultimately it kind of leads to
the same path. And for me, it's like, wow, it
feels so hard, Like why does it feel so hard?

(01:01:32):
And I've done hard things in my life. But this
just feels like it's a lot of friction within myself.
So then yeah, through my like psychedelic journey and also
contra like contra contrics journey, not necessarily trying to sex,
but just experiencing like energy work. I learned that my

(01:01:54):
baby is this work, and I will continue to push
through for the next however long I live another forty
five fifty years, and yeah, every day I'll be talking
about sexual wellness, help people feel less shame and experience
more pleasure.

Speaker 4 (01:02:09):
And this is my baby.

Speaker 3 (01:02:11):
That's a big awakening.

Speaker 4 (01:02:14):
Huge.

Speaker 5 (01:02:14):
I had to I cried a lot. I can imagine
I had to grieve it and like let it go.

Speaker 3 (01:02:21):
Have you completely shut the door or is the door
open like if a baby wants to slip through there?
Or is it just like you've.

Speaker 1 (01:02:26):
Shut the door.

Speaker 5 (01:02:27):
Door's always open, Like my door is open for everything, right,
Like it's open for a baby, it's open for.

Speaker 4 (01:02:33):
Anal, It's all my doors are open. My My husband
goes like, doesn't mean.

Speaker 5 (01:02:46):
Like what if the day you get pregnant, like doesn't
mean you're gonna get amortioned. I'm like, no, if I
get pregnant, like just out of the blue, Like I'd
be so happy too, Like it's I'm not close to
I'm just not trying.

Speaker 3 (01:02:57):
Okay, you're just taking all the pressure off I.

Speaker 5 (01:02:59):
Don't want Yeah, Like my intention is I don't want children.

Speaker 4 (01:03:03):
But if the children wants to, you know.

Speaker 3 (01:03:06):
Kennedy Mere, Yeah, then I would find that such a
huge blessing. Yeah, yes, I love that. Okay. I always
wrap up with leave your light, and it's just a
super open ended question. What do you want people to know?
Drop some inspiration? Mmmm?

Speaker 5 (01:03:23):
I want people to know that there's no shame in
experiencing sexuality in your own way. You need to stop
asking what are other people doing? How many times a week?
Should I be doing this? Should I be doing this
with my partner? Am I doing this wrong? Like there
is no normal when it comes to sex. It's whatever

(01:03:44):
you feel like is best for you and your partner.
You need to get over the hump of like what
is society doing? What are my friends doing? Like it's
you're fine, You're good, You're normal, and as long as
you guys are happy, that's all it takes to have
a good sex life.

Speaker 3 (01:04:01):
I love that so much, Doctor Tarah. This was such
an enlightening conversation. Will you stick around for like five
minutes to do it? Tell me more where I draw
some questions and you just answer them. Okay, it'll be
a bonus episode. Thank you so much, doctor Tara. Y'all
go check out her new book, which is coming out
soon October October. Okay, thank you so much for joining me.
This is so enlightening. Bye, Doctor Tara.

Speaker 1 (01:04:22):
Thank you