January 8, 2024 • 37 mins
Dr. Wendy is answering your relationship questions with her Wendy wisdom driveby makeshift relationship advice. January is divorce month! How to have a healthy divorce. PLUS how to save your marriage!Dr. Wendy is breaking it all down on KFIAM-640!
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(00:00):
You're listening to KFI AM six fortyon demand KFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and
this is the time of the showand I am taking your calls. If
you have a relationship question, giveme a call. The numbers one eight
hundred five to zero, one five, three four. That's one eight hundred
five to zero one KFI Reminder.I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology
(00:25):
professor, but I've written three bookson relationships and i am obsessed with the
science of love. Okay, ProducerKayla, who do you have? First?
We have Rebecca at the question.Rebecca. Hi, Rebecca, It's
doctor Wendy. Hello, how areyou good? One here? Thank you?
Sam? Do you what's your question? So? I have just I'm
kind of confused here. I wasdating a gentleman for almost four and a
(00:49):
half years and recently found out hewas going he was separating, going through
a divorce, and just found outrecently he was He met somebody and I
confronted, well, I confronted himand then texted her and kind of let
her know what was going on,and he blocked me on social media and
everything, and I work with theguy. So this week, oh,
(01:11):
I'm kind of like, I'm confused. I don't have to think of maybe
looking for a new job or butI am a really good job, so
I'm just really just Rebecca. Firstof all, I am so sorry this
happened to you, and I dowant to say something if there's a lesson
here for people listening to when somebodyis separated and going through a divorce,
(01:32):
they're not fully separate, right,not legally and maybe not even emotionally in
their mind. Correct. And soyou were his stepping stone relationship, his
interim relationship, and now all ofa sudden he meets somebody else. So
this is this is a time ofgrieving for you. Okay. The fact
(01:53):
that he blocked you on social saysthat he doesn't have the emotional maturity to
even be able to talk to youabout this. He feels shame. Okay,
he blocked you because he feels shame, and you're feeling confused because you've
got no explanation from him, andnow you've got to go to work and
run into him. You've been datingfour and a half years. Does he
have stuff at your house and everything. Are there loose ends? Yes,
(02:15):
we both do. Oh yeah,yeah, all those loose ends. Okay,
Eventually he will talk to you,but my advice to you is at
the office to be completely professional.Just keep your game face on. Don't
even let him know that you knowabout anything. Don't deal with it,
(02:35):
don't even try to catch his eye. You just go do your job.
Do not search for another job.This man does not deserve to kick you
out of your workplace. I'm sorry. You need to hold your head high
because he's the one that messed up. Okay, Okay, Eventually he's gonna
come around, and he's gonna wanthis spatula and you're gonna want your jeans
whatever. You're gonna do that switch, but it'll be at a time where
(02:58):
emotions aren't running so high. SoI want you to reach out to all
your girlfriends, your family. Iwant you to vent, I want you
to heal, I want you togrieve. It's okay to be mad,
Rebecca. This guy messed with youfour and a half years, his divorce
comes final, and he goes andgets a girlfriend. Oh oh yeah,
yeah, yo yo, y breaksmy heart. Thank you for calling Rebecca.
(03:20):
Okay, Kayla, who do wehave next? Michael? Oh?
Hello, ro Michael. Hi Michael, it's doctor Wendy. Hi doctor,
how you doing good? What's yourquestion? Love? Okay? Well,
my question is about something that youtalked about. Oh, it's been at
least a year, probably longer.And I was getting a haircut and the
(03:42):
woman cut my hair and her daughterand another woman were listening to this story
I told that you told on theair. It was about when a man
and a woman have unprotected sex andthe next night, the woman has unprotected
sex with a second man. Uhhuh. And the next night that man
has unprotected sex with a second womanand she gets pregnant, and they found
(04:10):
out that it was seeming from thefirst man. Yes. This is from
a very wonderful book that's a greatread called Why Is the Penis Shaped Like
That? And they talk about howa woman can get pregnant by a man
she's never had sex with because hecan drag around the other guy's sperm from
the last woman he had sex with. Correct. My question is who would
(04:34):
be legally and financially responsible for thebaby. I have no idea. You'd
have to ask a lawyer about that. One who would be legally responsible for
the baby. I mean, whoknows, right, I mean, genetically,
this woman has a pregnancy and it'snot even her well, it has
(04:54):
to be her egg, right,her egg gets fertilized with another man's sperm.
But if the I guess, ifI were a lawyer and I was
just spitballing here, I would say, the man who intended to impregnate the
woman, he meant to do itwith his own sperm, of course,
but he accidentally brought in another guysperm. He should be responsible. But
(05:15):
I'm making this up because I'm nota lawyer. But very good question,
Michael. I like it something tothink about, all right, Producer,
Kayla, who do we have next? We have Anonymous with a question.
Okay, Anonymous, it's doctor Wendy. How are you hello? I am
a question. I have a boyfriendnow and I am eight years older,
(05:39):
and but we are so compatible.I just ended a relationship. He was
like a milligant narcissist the last thanI had, and that ended in February,
and then I sit a little timeoff, and then he had a
girlfriend that he was in. Theyin that relationship, so we really didn't
get together, really until autum.Okay, so it's been almost it'll be
(06:01):
almost five months. But we're verycompatible. We have a great time together.
He tells me that, you know, he's sticking around no matter what.
But I always am very self consciousabout being older. I just wanted
to have your kids because I I'llslow down everk full time. I run
my own business. You know.I just feel that his family's real supportive
(06:25):
by him on this side. Butmy family's sort of like, I'll just
hold off. And I have asister and so he just so you mentioned
your you're eight years older than him. How old are you and how old
is he? I just turned sixtyfour, you're sixty four, and he's
just turned and he's fifty six.Fifty six, that's the same age.
(06:48):
Sorry. You know, like Iteach developmental psychology, right and at the
two ends of the lifespan early inlife, like kindergarten, you will see
this wide range of developmental abilities.You'll see in one kindergart in class one
kid that's still crying and wetting theirpants and another kid quietly reading books in
the corner. And the same thinghappens at the end of life. After
you hit fifty you're going to seethat some people age faster and some people
(07:11):
not so fast. You sound likea very young sixty four year old.
Also, the most important reason whyI asked about your ages is your reproductive.
Reproductive urgencies are behind you. Right. Nobody's talking about having a family
or having kids, So it soundslike this is just all in your head
and you're working on your self esteem. And if you've been with a kind
of toxic person in the past,it tells me that maybe that person and
(07:35):
some of your other earlier relationships mighthave impacted your self esteem in a negative
way. So I would say,you know what, go for it.
I think it's fabulous. And whocares that you're eight years old or you're
sixty four. If you're having funwith a fifty six year old guy,
then don't listen to your family.We have such a great time. Yeah.
(07:55):
Oh, and I have one otherthing I want to say. My
parents were married thirty five years untildeath do they parted of cancer and my
mother was nine years older than mydad. So there you go. There
you go, have a wonderful relationship. Thank you for calling. Okay,
do we have time for me todo a quick social media roll or do
we have to go to break?We should go to break, go to
break. Okay. When we comeback, I'll continue to take your calls
(08:18):
and I'll be checking my dms onsocial The number is one eight hundred five
two zero one five three four.That's one eight hundred five two zero one.
KFI you're listening to the Doctor WendyWalls Show on KFI AM six forty.
Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six
forty on demand kf I Am sixforty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with
(08:41):
you. This is the Dr WendyWalls Show. I'm taking your calls and
answering your social media questions. Thenumbers one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. Okay. ProducerKayla, who do we have? We
have Mike with a question. Great, Hi Mike, it's doctor Wendy.
Hi Doctor Wendy. How are you? Thank you for thinking of a call?
Happy to what's your question? Okay? I have a dynamic situation.
(09:03):
I'll try to shorten it up.Last year I caught my ex cheating on
me after sixteen years of marriage tokids. I run a small business.
You know, we owned a nicehome together. So I caught her teating
and she wanted to include the childrenin our arguments, and I did my
best to keep the kids out ofit. Yeah, she all the night.
(09:24):
She wanted three on one argument typeof thing. How old are the
children the eleven and fifteen, fifteenyear old girl eleven year old boys.
So as soon as I found outabout it, I wanted to have a
discussion with her to find a resolutionto either split or stay together. She
began to bring the kids into theargument. The very next day she told
(09:45):
the kids. She told me thatI was on drugs and the kids were
going to die and overdose on scattereddrugs that I was applying all over the
house. She started alienating from mefrom the kids. The kids couldn't eat
her drink in the house. Foralmost a year, she actually yes,
she would take them off the propertyfor breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
On the weekends. She would beatit's on the weekends. She would take
(10:09):
them for eight to ten hours Saturdaysand Sundays away from me. So in
February I called Children's services. Children'sservices came and told her to stop doing
that. They did an investigation.The drug life stopped thirty days later.
Well, yeah, the investigation wasclosed and the lady said it'd be call
me back them and taking kids fromyou. Well, the drug lie immediately
(10:31):
began again after that. So inMay I explained to my actis, I
said, if these restrictions don't stop, then I'll have to file for a
divorce. And she says, well, it sounds like you're threatening me.
I said, no, it's nota threat. I just it's a statement.
I need these things to stop.My son needs to be picked up
in five minutes. Why would youwant to stay married to this woman I
(10:52):
filed for I gave her three Iknow I gave her. I wanted to
keep my family together, so Igave her three opportunities to stop the alienation
and the drug lives. It didn't. So I filed for divorce in May.
And I wanted to do this amicably. And it's not going to happen
emically. Okay, So Mike,let me just say this. You need
(11:13):
to arm yourself with a good therapistand a good lawyer, and you are
in for a lifetime of a fight. There's a wonderful book out there on
parental alienation and how you should behaveIt's about boundaries with her. Don't think
if I do this, she'll benice. If I do this, she
(11:33):
won't lie about me. If Ido this, then I'll be able to
see my kids more. Nope,boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, no threats,
no threats ever. Just set rulesand boundaries and make sure you stay
within the law. Make sure youkeep your kids safe. And I'm sure
the family lawyer will probably tell youto keep records of absolutely everything emails.
(11:56):
Try to only communicate with her byemail or text, so you've got a
nice written list of what's going on. And the book I read on parental
alienation was so wonderful because it says, don't get into the weeds with your
ex who's trying to say bad thingsabout you. Instead, just when you
do spend time with your kids.Just be normal and let them see who
(12:18):
what a nice, good dad youare. And then after a while they
will figure it out. They're notstupid, they're your kids, you know.
My saying is give them enough rope, meaning your ex, they'll hang
themselves right. So kids will beable to make the decision if you don't
get into the weeds with that person. It's important that you take the high
(12:41):
road. It's important that you keepyour kids safe, and it's important that
you arm yourselves with a lawyer anda good therapist. Mike, I'm so
sorry you're going through this. You'renot alone. Many people are going through
this, all right, Producer,Kayla, do we have someone else?
We do? We have lydia withthe question Lydia, Hi, Lydia.
It's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctorWendy. So my question is in regards
(13:07):
to my daughter in law. Myson and her have been married for about
seven years. They have two kids, six year old little daughter and almost
three year old little son, andI recently found out that my daughter in
law has been telling things to mygrandkids that are harming them regarding my food.
(13:28):
I babysit them twice a week,and my son and his wife are
workaholics. She never cooks. Henever cooks because they're working all the time.
So when I come over and babysitfor them, I bring my own
food because they only need Froden mealsand throws the meals all the time.
(13:50):
So what is she saying? Whatis she saying to the children about your
food. She's telling them that mygranddaughter told me there's adida. They call
me adida adida without saying the wordshurting you. My daughter, my granddaughter
is thinking that I'm trying to causethem to get diabetes, but by one
(14:15):
feeding them, because I usually givethem a little bit of sweets when I
come over, I give them macand cheese. I give them a little
bit of pancakes. I give themthings that I can bring to them,
fast meals that I can cook athome, or I cook it in the
house. So my daughter, mygranddaughter, is hurting. She's very well
spoken. She'll say things like adida, I know you love me. I
(14:37):
know you're not trying to cause diabetesby my mom says you are. And
I don't know why my mom isalways saying things about your food. Okay,
this is a power struggle over foodand two different beliefs about food.
So here's how I would solve it. If I were you, I would
(14:58):
not deal with you daughter in law. I would deal with your son,
and I would say to your son, do you want me to continue babysitting.
If so, you either provide foodthat you think is correct and healthy
for these kids, or you tellyour wife to shut up about my food.
You set a boundary. And ifhe can't set a boundary with his
(15:20):
wife, and if he's say,man, you don't babysit, why go
and torture yourself? Right, Soyou set up a boundary that says you
guys can provide food. If youthink too much carbohydrate and sugar, it
potentially can cause diabetes, which,between you and I, lydia not so
good for kids. I'm a healthpsychology professor. So you might say something
(15:41):
like, the kids are telling methat you don't like how much sugar I'm
giving them, Could you give mesome guidelines on how much vegetable and protein
you prefer me to serve? Oryou could say, why don't you leave
some protein and vegetables for me tofeed the kids when I babysit them.
If you want to keep me babysitting, that's what I would do. Set
up a boundary, don't stress overit. Just figure out a way and
(16:03):
deal with your son, not withher. All right, let me go
because we have a minute to socialmedia because there's a question that came in
on my Instagram. I read itthis week and I said, Gayla,
we have to answer this question thisweek. Okay, dear doctor Wendy,
do you have any guidance on thefollowing. This person says, I broke
up with my girlfriend last June.It was very sad. We were even
(16:23):
looking at rings. A few daysago, I received an email from my
Disneyland account asking to look at myrecent Disneyland visit pictures. Weird. The
last time I was there was ayear ago with my ex. Apparently my
email ID was still linked to herDisney PhotoPass oh technology. Upon opening the
(16:45):
email, I saw a ton ofpictures of her posing with presumably see presumably
that's a bad word, because wenever know her new boyfriend. Many of
the poses were carbon copies of ourexperience. She was even wearing the earrings
I bought her. Sadly, Isaw those images before the actual couple saw
them. I am destroyed inside.All Right, Guidance, let me just
(17:11):
say this, I'm sorry that technologyhurt you. She didn't necessarily do it
to you. People have romantic triggers, whether it's places they go, pose
as they do in front of certainplaces or whatever, and that's her romantic
style. I know it hurts.I know this must have been so painful
(17:36):
to see. You could take youremail off that account to protect yourself in
the future, but in the meantime, get out there in the world and
remind yourself how lovable you are.Find people family and friends and co workers
to laugh with, and take sometime to grieve. None of this is
(17:57):
your fault, but you were triggeredby technology. Oh that would be awful
if that happened, that would OhI'd be freaking out. Dear doctor Wendy
Sr. We had an anonymous personthat actually got disconnected. So I just
want to say, let you knowtheir question. Oh, sure, Tayla,
(18:17):
what is it? Of course shesaid that she was in a relationship
with the gentleman and he had he'sused to the poly lifestyle and she is
not, and he's pressuring her tobecome more poly and she's not really one
hundred percent interested. You know.You know what I'm gonna say, Kayla,
I do, I do, Butyou go ahead and see it yourself.
Polyamory benefits men a whole lot morethan a benefits women. Okay,
(18:42):
yes, and every man. Seebefore we had quote unquote polyamory back when
I was a young woman. You'dgo in a dates a few dates with
a guy, and then he'd saysomething like, do you ever have a
girlfriend who want to join us?Maybe? Could we do a three simp
some days? Every guy's fantasy.Okay, So now they call it.
I'm polyamorous is what I am.I live the poly life, okay,
(19:06):
And I don't mean to put downthose who actually are and are doing it
fine, and the women are happyto have an extra boyfriend or girlfriend in
there and all that. But forthe vast majority of us heterosexual people,
women don't like polyamory. Men do. And it's perfectly okay to not be
(19:26):
pressured into doing something you don't feelcomfortable with. And if your concern about
losing him is greater than your senseof self and respect and boundaries, then
you need to go to therapy andwork on that. Because the truth is,
let him go. If he's goingto pressure you, he should respect
you, your body, what you'reinterested in. Okay, social media,
(19:49):
let me go it one more onInstagram Dear doctor Wendy. I went out
on a second date with a guy. He asked me to go on a
third date, and I told thedate that I could go out. He
texted back saying that's perfect. ThenI haven't heard anything from him since then
and the date went by. Didhe ghost me? Yeah? Then she
(20:14):
goes on to say, should Isend him a friend checking in or just
let him go? It's been amonth and I think about him every day.
I'm sorry you think about him everyday? He ghosted you. If
you think about him at all,it should be to hate him. That
was rude. Okay, he setup a date, it was a third
date. He went another direction.What can I say? You ever gone
(20:36):
on a job interview and he getinvited back to the third interview and you
think I've definitely got this job,And then you get one of those form
letters that says I'm sorry, we'vegone another direction. The position is now
as full. That's all that happenedto you, Okay. Part of dating
is dealing with these bomps, andyes they hurt. I don't mean to
make light of your pain. Butare you asking me if you should text
(21:00):
again? If some of my answers? No? Absolutely no? All right?
Uh uh, we have to goto a break darn. There's some
good ones on social media? Allright? Did you know that January is
divorce month when most divorce filings takeplace when we come back How to Avoid
(21:22):
Divorce. You're listening to the DoctorWendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty
with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand. Oh yeah, that'swhat they say. I am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show. Sadly, January is divorcemonth. Uh huh. More filings take
(21:48):
place than any other month of theyear. According to one study at the
University of Washington's actually a window ofJanuary through March which shows a thirty three
percent increase in divorce filings. Sowhy well, let's think about it.
Divorce doesn't happen because somebody wakes upone morning and says, Hey, I
(22:11):
think I'm going to call a lawyerand I Am going to go file for
divorce today in between my plates andTrader Joe's. No, doesn't go like
that. Divorce takes two to fouryears to take place before a filing actually
takes place. The relationship slowly erodesgenerally, and I'm being general, men
hide money, women get plastic surgery. Something happens. Right if you're in
(22:34):
the dulg rooms of your marriage andyour wife suddenly is using your hard earned
money to get her cheeks done andher butt done and her boobs, there's
something happening. M hm. Andshe'd go to the gym all the time.
That's the beginning of the divorce,right, She's getting herself ready for
the mating marketplace. And you youcalled your brother and you said, hey,
can I put some stocks and bondsin your name? Sorry? That's
(22:56):
what people do. I know.I've been around a long time. I've
seen it happen, all right.So what happens is the holidays come and
people suck it up and hold ittogether for the children, the family.
Nobody wants to be the jerk whofiles for divorce anywhere near the holidays.
(23:17):
Can you imagine the day before Thanksgiving? Here, honey, divorce papers have
fun with Thanksgiving and Christmas. Doesn'thappen that way. Happens in January.
And Kayla, if you had toguess which gender and heterosexual couples is most
likely to file for divorce, whodo you think it is? Women?
Always? You didn't even think aboutthat. We get over it fast.
(23:38):
Seventy percent the divorce filings are doneby women. That's high number. Here's
why, Just like I said earlierto that caller, polyamory benefits men more
than women. Marriage also benefits menmore than women, because women often have
a dual job, right, eventhough we think we've evolved and changed.
In many marriages, women's st'll dothe bulk of the domestic responsibilities, to
(24:02):
domestic duties, right, the childcarewhatever. So I remember one time I
was sitting. It was before Ihad kids. No, I think I
maybe I was a single mom.No, I think if it's even before.
And I was listening to women chatand you know, and you all
lined up for your pedicure, andyou're all in those pedicure chairs and you
get to hear everybody's life story.It's our version of the bar guys.
And this woman was talking about how, you know, her husband left and
(24:26):
she's her with the two kids.And so I lean over with some words
of empathy, and I'm like,oh, I'm so sorry, life must
be so hard for you now.And she literally looked at me bewildered,
and she goes, are you kidding? I got rid of one baby?
I only have two now like.Oh okay, Also, women are emotionally
exhausted. Women tend to do thebulk of the emotional work in relationships and
(24:49):
in families for everybody. And also, here's the big one. Women are
more economically able to not put upwith bad behavior. I mean, back
in the past, the nineteen forties, fifty sixty seventies, women needed men
for financial security, but not somuch anymore so if he's abusive, if
he's a cheater, she just moveson, right. So that's why women
(25:11):
are more likely to file for divorce. Okay, I want to say a
couple things about how to have ahappy divorce. Well, there's no such
thing as a happy divorce. Howto have a divorce with few bumps in
it? I cannot stress this enough. Put the children first. That means,
tell them over and over and overhow much both of you love them,
Tell them over and over and over, even if they're twenty five.
(25:33):
Tell them that it's not their faultbecause they always blame themselves in some way.
And most importantly, do not badmouth your ex, never in front
of the kids. Because guess what, your children, whether they be twelve
or twenty two, are fifty percentgenetically them. And if you say anything
(25:57):
bad about your ex, the kidsfeel like you're insulting them. It hurts
them, it hurts their self esteem. So stop blaming and criticizing. Also
establish boundaries. That caller earlier,Mike, he didn't have boundaries. Here
was this woman who was treating himso badly, lying about him, and
(26:19):
he's saying, well, I'll fallfor divorce. That no, no,
no, no, file for divorcedone out. Okay, you're gonna tell
lies about me. You keep yourown life over there. I'll have mine
here and I'll work on the kids'mental health while I have them. If
you can try to keep lawyers outas long as possible, I know there
are some good family attorneys out there, and many of them function as mediators
(26:42):
to help people save money. Allgood, but for the most part,
anybody I know who's gone down thelawyer route, the only people who win
are the lawyers. You're think ofit. Look, when I first broke
up with my ex, we weren'tmarried, but you know, I ran
around trying to get child which Inever got. But I went to visit
(27:02):
all these attorneys and every one ofthem. You know, we're talking about
West Side of LA. Wanted twentythousand dollars retainer, twenty thousand dollars to
say hello. And then they toldme you got a fifty to fifty ball
of maybe getting child support or not. And I'm thinking to myself, if
I had twenty thousand dollars, Iwould feed my kids. There's no way
(27:22):
this is gonna line of lawyer's pockets. So I just took my kids and
did my own thing and figured outa way right, just survived. Sometimes
we lived in a small studio apartmenttogether, the three of us. By
the way, noise canceling headsets.That is the trick anyway, Keep the
lawyers out as long as you can. But here's another thought. Let's say
(27:42):
you do get through it, andit's you know, not so bumpy and
not so whatever. You know,humans thrive on rituals. Have a closing
ceremony, don't. I don't meana divorce wedding, but something. Get
together with your ex and light acandle and say, we make great kids,
Thank you so much for being therewith my I got married when I
(28:03):
was twenty divorced by twenty three,so we had a dance party. We
were all still at college, dosomething to signify that you have moved on.
Now, hopefully you're not going throughdivorce, and hopefully you don't want
one to happen. When we comeback, let's talk about what the research
says about how you can avoid divorcein your marriage. You're listening to The
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AMsix forty. Were live everywhere on the
(28:27):
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFIAM six forty on demand. Got a
mate, Getwork, Got a Manute, Get work. Welcome back to the
home stretch of The Doctor Wendywall Showand KFI AM six forty. Nobody wants
to go through a divorce course.Not I do want to remind people,
(28:49):
though, I want to pull youoff the guilt train if you've been divorced,
if you're going through a divorce.When until death Do Us Part was
invented, death was pretty imminent,right, People were dying of diseases,
wars, all kinds of things.And now, because of our very long
life expectancies, we can outgrow ourrelationships. Even the most monogamous of humans
(29:12):
may find themselves having two or threelong stints of monogamy. Right, So
it's funny, I was in acab the other day at Uber and old
guy Uber driver and uh, youknow, we're chatting because I'm a chatty
person. And Ash, are youmarried? He goes, I was.
He said, I was married forthirty years then I got unmarried. I
(29:34):
love that he just got unmarried.And funnily enough, he says his adult
son lives with him now, andhe's like, he's a worse wife.
I'm gonna unmarry him soon. He'slazy. But you know what, you
may go through divorce. And ifthe relationship, if you learn something in
that relationship and your partner learned something, then it is not a failed relationship.
(29:57):
There was no such thing as aa failed relationship. I just want
to say that. However, ifyou would like your relationship to last longer,
then there are a few things youcan do, according to research.
And here's a simple little laundry list. You get a pan out. I
want you to write this down.If you want your relationship to work out,
communicate, especially about the stuff that'shard to talk about. That's the
(30:22):
most important stuff to talk about.You can even start a conversation by saying
it's really hard for me to talkabout this, So go gently on me,
but I'm gonna try my best.Right they preface it, set it
up. Also, don't keep scorein your relationship. A relationship is not
a competition. It's a partnership.And when your partner succeeds and does great,
(30:48):
you benefit too. You're a team, team, team, team.
Here's another good one. Do notbring up old stuff if that old stuff
has been resolved. See if youdon't have good conflict resolution skills and it
doesn't get resolved, then it's goingto keep coming up. But if you
went through something, you figured outwhat the compromise is, somebody said they're
(31:11):
sorry, move on, don't bringit up. It's over. Here's one
of my favorites. It was yearsbefore I learned this. When I was
a young woman, I believed thatyou could change somebody. I believed you
could just tell them, give themthe information they needed so that they could
become a better person. Here's whatI know. Now, stop trying to
(31:34):
make somebody perfect. Learn to acceptyour partner. The only person you can
change is you and your reaction tothem. So you got a choice.
You can stay or you can leave. But stop hoping you're going to sit
there, always in agony, tryingto hope that they will change as marriages
(32:01):
go on for years. I wantyou to reassess your marriage needs because your
needs are going to change at differentstages. The relationship will have a different
purpose. Maybe the beginning of itis about raising children. Later it's about
traveling, or growing a business,or growing a charity together, or dealing
(32:22):
with ailing health. Your needs willchange. Now. There's so much research
to support this next thing. Didyou know that the happiest couples who stay
together the longest spend a lot oftime wallowing around in memories. They talk
(32:42):
about the old days, They talkabout their first date, they talk about
their first little hot weekend away.They say, oh, remember that thing
you know recently? Well, lastsummer, Hulu and I went on a
little vacation to go to somebody's weddingin Tahiti. And although we did all
kinds of things that would look goodtourist brochure, at one point we were
on an out island with it's nottouristy at all, and the little pension
(33:06):
operators lent us their bikes and wewent on a bike around this island and
we get far enough away that we'rehalfway around the island, no way to
go back or forth. And theheaviest monsoon it is so bad. I
mean, it rains so hard thatwe were even like under a palm tree
and we were laughing. Okay,we were so soaking wet. We had
(33:27):
to put our cell phones in ourcrotch. We were trying to keep them
dry. It was the only dryplace we could find. And we laughed
and laughed, and we still talkabout that, And I promise you we're
going to talk about that day twentyyears from now because it was the funniest.
We had nothing to do but justlaugh because we couldn't ride forward or
backward, we couldn't get back ontime. We had no umbrellas, we
had no raincoats, we were drenchedto the skin, and we just stood
(33:52):
under a palm tree laughing for likean hour. It was very funny.
So go and revisit those memories.It's good for your relationship. Also,
add new stuff. Research shows thatthe relationships are happiest are the ones that
do different stuff together. Add novelty. If you're in a rut, because
my mom used to say, youknow, in the summer when you're home
(34:13):
and you're a kid, and you'rebored, and go I'm bored. I'm
bored. My mom used to say, if you're bored, you're boring,
right, So do something exciting.Surprise your partner with tickets to something.
Do something different with your partner.Also on a regular On the regular,
catch your partner being good. Inother words, instead of nagging them,
(34:37):
instead of focusing on their negative qualities. I want you every single day to
find that something good that your partner'sdoing and say it out loud. Compliment
them. This actually besides speaking tothe highest part of them, because if
you reward that good behavior, guesswhat they do more of that good behavior.
But also it reminds your brain ofwhy you're there, reminds you that
(35:00):
you appreciate your partner. Also,have fun play with your partner. If
your whole life right now is aboutschedules and kids and bills and all these
things you have to do together,you're not going to be having any fun.
Julio and I had so much funin the rain that day riding those
bikes. We were just laughing.We just had fun. Have fun with
(35:22):
your partner. Oh, and havemore sex. Put your phones down,
hold hands, Light some candles.Remember you're in love with each other,
your lovers, and also understand thatmarriage isn't supposed to be happy all the
time. Speak of which, beforeI go, we did an interview over
(35:44):
the holidays that aired Wen did airlast week. Kyla, it's it.
Yeah, this amazing woman who isthe ultimate bad boy lover. So get
this. Her first boyfriend was adrug dealer who went like to jail forever.
The second one was murdered by thedrug cartel. The third one ended
up being a like el Chapo's righthand man and ended up wearing a wire
(36:07):
and turning him in. And shewrote a book called Cartel Wives. And
now she's going to prison herself tomorrowor the next day. I don't yeah,
one of these days this week.This week's for sure this week.
So if you want to listen tothat full interview, Kayla has put it
up on my page on the KFIwebsite. She go to KFI AM six
(36:28):
forty dot com and you search doctorWendy Walsh. Right, and what did
you call it? I said,when dating bad boys turns into surviving old
Chappa or something. See if you'rea bad boy chaser, ladies, you
should listen to this woman's story.It's a cautionary tale. Actually, she
was very open and honest and vulnerable, and she was very much in love.
(36:50):
As she was doing the interview,the couple, they kept touching each
other and kissing and they hadn't inthe background. They loved each other so
much, and she spent twelve yearsin prison and she waited for him.
She's such a good name interview.They better listen. Yeah, it was
so good. Have listen KFI AMsix forty dot com and then search doctor
Wendy Welsh. Hey, I'm hereevery Sunday from seven to nine pm.
If you miss any part of theshow, just always download the iHeartRadio app
(37:12):
and search doctor Wendy Walsh and youcan listen to it anytime during the week.
Also, if you want to joinmy Patreon group, we meet every
Wednesday at six thirty. We talkabout everything on the planet. It's great
fun. You go to Patreon dotcom slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Otherwise,
I'm here for you every Sunday.You were listening to the Doctor Wendy Welsh
Show on KFI AM six forty liveeverywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six
(37:34):
forty on demand
You're listening to KFI AM six fortyon demand KFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and
this is the time of the showand I am taking your calls. If
you have a relationship question, giveme a call. The numbers one eight
hundred five to zero, one five, three four. That's one eight hundred
five to zero one KFI Reminder.I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology
(00:25):
professor, but I've written three bookson relationships and i am obsessed with the
science of love. Okay, ProducerKayla, who do you have? First?
We have Rebecca at the question.Rebecca. Hi, Rebecca, It's
doctor Wendy. Hello, how areyou good? One here? Thank you?
Sam? Do you what's your question? So? I have just I'm
kind of confused here. I wasdating a gentleman for almost four and a
(00:49):
half years and recently found out hewas going he was separating, going through
a divorce, and just found outrecently he was He met somebody and I
confronted, well, I confronted himand then texted her and kind of let
her know what was going on,and he blocked me on social media and
everything, and I work with theguy. So this week, oh,
(01:11):
I'm kind of like, I'm confused. I don't have to think of maybe
looking for a new job or butI am a really good job, so
I'm just really just Rebecca. Firstof all, I am so sorry this
happened to you, and I dowant to say something if there's a lesson
here for people listening to when somebodyis separated and going through a divorce,
(01:32):
they're not fully separate, right,not legally and maybe not even emotionally in
their mind. Correct. And soyou were his stepping stone relationship, his
interim relationship, and now all ofa sudden he meets somebody else. So
this is this is a time ofgrieving for you. Okay. The fact
(01:53):
that he blocked you on social saysthat he doesn't have the emotional maturity to
even be able to talk to youabout this. He feels shame. Okay,
he blocked you because he feels shame, and you're feeling confused because you've
got no explanation from him, andnow you've got to go to work and
run into him. You've been datingfour and a half years. Does he
have stuff at your house and everything. Are there loose ends? Yes,
(02:15):
we both do. Oh yeah,yeah, all those loose ends. Okay,
Eventually he will talk to you,but my advice to you is at
the office to be completely professional.Just keep your game face on. Don't
even let him know that you knowabout anything. Don't deal with it,
(02:35):
don't even try to catch his eye. You just go do your job.
Do not search for another job.This man does not deserve to kick you
out of your workplace. I'm sorry. You need to hold your head high
because he's the one that messed up. Okay, Okay, Eventually he's gonna
come around, and he's gonna wanthis spatula and you're gonna want your jeans
whatever. You're gonna do that switch, but it'll be at a time where
(02:58):
emotions aren't running so high. SoI want you to reach out to all
your girlfriends, your family. Iwant you to vent, I want you
to heal, I want you togrieve. It's okay to be mad,
Rebecca. This guy messed with youfour and a half years, his divorce
comes final, and he goes andgets a girlfriend. Oh oh yeah,
yeah, yo yo, y breaksmy heart. Thank you for calling Rebecca.
(03:20):
Okay, Kayla, who do wehave next? Michael? Oh?
Hello, ro Michael. Hi Michael, it's doctor Wendy. Hi doctor,
how you doing good? What's yourquestion? Love? Okay? Well,
my question is about something that youtalked about. Oh, it's been at
least a year, probably longer.And I was getting a haircut and the
(03:42):
woman cut my hair and her daughterand another woman were listening to this story
I told that you told on theair. It was about when a man
and a woman have unprotected sex andthe next night, the woman has unprotected
sex with a second man. Uhhuh. And the next night that man
has unprotected sex with a second womanand she gets pregnant, and they found
(04:10):
out that it was seeming from thefirst man. Yes. This is from
a very wonderful book that's a greatread called Why Is the Penis Shaped Like
That? And they talk about howa woman can get pregnant by a man
she's never had sex with because hecan drag around the other guy's sperm from
the last woman he had sex with. Correct. My question is who would
(04:34):
be legally and financially responsible for thebaby. I have no idea. You'd
have to ask a lawyer about that. One who would be legally responsible for
the baby. I mean, whoknows, right, I mean, genetically,
this woman has a pregnancy and it'snot even her well, it has
(04:54):
to be her egg, right,her egg gets fertilized with another man's sperm.
But if the I guess, ifI were a lawyer and I was
just spitballing here, I would say, the man who intended to impregnate the
woman, he meant to do itwith his own sperm, of course,
but he accidentally brought in another guysperm. He should be responsible. But
(05:15):
I'm making this up because I'm nota lawyer. But very good question,
Michael. I like it something tothink about, all right, Producer,
Kayla, who do we have next? We have Anonymous with a question.
Okay, Anonymous, it's doctor Wendy. How are you hello? I am
a question. I have a boyfriendnow and I am eight years older,
(05:39):
and but we are so compatible.I just ended a relationship. He was
like a milligant narcissist the last thanI had, and that ended in February,
and then I sit a little timeoff, and then he had a
girlfriend that he was in. Theyin that relationship, so we really didn't
get together, really until autum.Okay, so it's been almost it'll be
(06:01):
almost five months. But we're verycompatible. We have a great time together.
He tells me that, you know, he's sticking around no matter what.
But I always am very self consciousabout being older. I just wanted
to have your kids because I I'llslow down everk full time. I run
my own business. You know.I just feel that his family's real supportive
(06:25):
by him on this side. Butmy family's sort of like, I'll just
hold off. And I have asister and so he just so you mentioned
your you're eight years older than him. How old are you and how old
is he? I just turned sixtyfour, you're sixty four, and he's
just turned and he's fifty six.Fifty six, that's the same age.
(06:48):
Sorry. You know, like Iteach developmental psychology, right and at the
two ends of the lifespan early inlife, like kindergarten, you will see
this wide range of developmental abilities.You'll see in one kindergart in class one
kid that's still crying and wetting theirpants and another kid quietly reading books in
the corner. And the same thinghappens at the end of life. After
you hit fifty you're going to seethat some people age faster and some people
(07:11):
not so fast. You sound likea very young sixty four year old.
Also, the most important reason whyI asked about your ages is your reproductive.
Reproductive urgencies are behind you. Right. Nobody's talking about having a family
or having kids, So it soundslike this is just all in your head
and you're working on your self esteem. And if you've been with a kind
of toxic person in the past,it tells me that maybe that person and
(07:35):
some of your other earlier relationships mighthave impacted your self esteem in a negative
way. So I would say,you know what, go for it.
I think it's fabulous. And whocares that you're eight years old or you're
sixty four. If you're having funwith a fifty six year old guy,
then don't listen to your family.We have such a great time. Yeah.
(07:55):
Oh, and I have one otherthing I want to say. My
parents were married thirty five years untildeath do they parted of cancer and my
mother was nine years older than mydad. So there you go. There
you go, have a wonderful relationship. Thank you for calling. Okay,
do we have time for me todo a quick social media roll or do
we have to go to break?We should go to break, go to
break. Okay. When we comeback, I'll continue to take your calls
(08:18):
and I'll be checking my dms onsocial The number is one eight hundred five
two zero one five three four.That's one eight hundred five two zero one.
KFI you're listening to the Doctor WendyWalls Show on KFI AM six forty.
Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six
forty on demand kf I Am sixforty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with
(08:41):
you. This is the Dr WendyWalls Show. I'm taking your calls and
answering your social media questions. Thenumbers one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. Okay. ProducerKayla, who do we have? We
have Mike with a question. Great, Hi Mike, it's doctor Wendy.
Hi Doctor Wendy. How are you? Thank you for thinking of a call?
Happy to what's your question? Okay? I have a dynamic situation.
(09:03):
I'll try to shorten it up.Last year I caught my ex cheating on
me after sixteen years of marriage tokids. I run a small business.
You know, we owned a nicehome together. So I caught her teating
and she wanted to include the childrenin our arguments, and I did my
best to keep the kids out ofit. Yeah, she all the night.
(09:24):
She wanted three on one argument typeof thing. How old are the
children the eleven and fifteen, fifteenyear old girl eleven year old boys.
So as soon as I found outabout it, I wanted to have a
discussion with her to find a resolutionto either split or stay together. She
began to bring the kids into theargument. The very next day she told
(09:45):
the kids. She told me thatI was on drugs and the kids were
going to die and overdose on scattereddrugs that I was applying all over the
house. She started alienating from mefrom the kids. The kids couldn't eat
her drink in the house. Foralmost a year, she actually yes,
she would take them off the propertyfor breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
On the weekends. She would beatit's on the weekends. She would take
(10:09):
them for eight to ten hours Saturdaysand Sundays away from me. So in
February I called Children's services. Children'sservices came and told her to stop doing
that. They did an investigation.The drug life stopped thirty days later.
Well, yeah, the investigation wasclosed and the lady said it'd be call
me back them and taking kids fromyou. Well, the drug lie immediately
(10:31):
began again after that. So inMay I explained to my actis, I
said, if these restrictions don't stop, then I'll have to file for a
divorce. And she says, well, it sounds like you're threatening me.
I said, no, it's nota threat. I just it's a statement.
I need these things to stop.My son needs to be picked up
in five minutes. Why would youwant to stay married to this woman I
(10:52):
filed for I gave her three Iknow I gave her. I wanted to
keep my family together, so Igave her three opportunities to stop the alienation
and the drug lives. It didn't. So I filed for divorce in May.
And I wanted to do this amicably. And it's not going to happen
emically. Okay, So Mike,let me just say this. You need
(11:13):
to arm yourself with a good therapistand a good lawyer, and you are
in for a lifetime of a fight. There's a wonderful book out there on
parental alienation and how you should behaveIt's about boundaries with her. Don't think
if I do this, she'll benice. If I do this, she
(11:33):
won't lie about me. If Ido this, then I'll be able to
see my kids more. Nope,boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, no threats,
no threats ever. Just set rulesand boundaries and make sure you stay
within the law. Make sure youkeep your kids safe. And I'm sure
the family lawyer will probably tell youto keep records of absolutely everything emails.
(11:56):
Try to only communicate with her byemail or text, so you've got a
nice written list of what's going on. And the book I read on parental
alienation was so wonderful because it says, don't get into the weeds with your
ex who's trying to say bad thingsabout you. Instead, just when you
do spend time with your kids.Just be normal and let them see who
(12:18):
what a nice, good dad youare. And then after a while they
will figure it out. They're notstupid, they're your kids, you know.
My saying is give them enough rope, meaning your ex, they'll hang
themselves right. So kids will beable to make the decision if you don't
get into the weeds with that person. It's important that you take the high
(12:41):
road. It's important that you keepyour kids safe, and it's important that
you arm yourselves with a lawyer anda good therapist. Mike, I'm so
sorry you're going through this. You'renot alone. Many people are going through
this, all right, Producer,Kayla, do we have someone else?
We do? We have lydia withthe question Lydia, Hi, Lydia.
It's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctorWendy. So my question is in regards
(13:07):
to my daughter in law. Myson and her have been married for about
seven years. They have two kids, six year old little daughter and almost
three year old little son, andI recently found out that my daughter in
law has been telling things to mygrandkids that are harming them regarding my food.
(13:28):
I babysit them twice a week,and my son and his wife are
workaholics. She never cooks. Henever cooks because they're working all the time.
So when I come over and babysitfor them, I bring my own
food because they only need Froden mealsand throws the meals all the time.
(13:50):
So what is she saying? Whatis she saying to the children about your
food. She's telling them that mygranddaughter told me there's adida. They call
me adida adida without saying the wordshurting you. My daughter, my granddaughter
is thinking that I'm trying to causethem to get diabetes, but by one
(14:15):
feeding them, because I usually givethem a little bit of sweets when I
come over, I give them macand cheese. I give them a little
bit of pancakes. I give themthings that I can bring to them,
fast meals that I can cook athome, or I cook it in the
house. So my daughter, mygranddaughter, is hurting. She's very well
spoken. She'll say things like adida, I know you love me. I
(14:37):
know you're not trying to cause diabetesby my mom says you are. And
I don't know why my mom isalways saying things about your food. Okay,
this is a power struggle over foodand two different beliefs about food.
So here's how I would solve it. If I were you, I would
(14:58):
not deal with you daughter in law. I would deal with your son,
and I would say to your son, do you want me to continue babysitting.
If so, you either provide foodthat you think is correct and healthy
for these kids, or you tellyour wife to shut up about my food.
You set a boundary. And ifhe can't set a boundary with his
(15:20):
wife, and if he's say,man, you don't babysit, why go
and torture yourself? Right, Soyou set up a boundary that says you
guys can provide food. If youthink too much carbohydrate and sugar, it
potentially can cause diabetes, which,between you and I, lydia not so
good for kids. I'm a healthpsychology professor. So you might say something
(15:41):
like, the kids are telling methat you don't like how much sugar I'm
giving them, Could you give mesome guidelines on how much vegetable and protein
you prefer me to serve? Oryou could say, why don't you leave
some protein and vegetables for me tofeed the kids when I babysit them.
If you want to keep me babysitting, that's what I would do. Set
up a boundary, don't stress overit. Just figure out a way and
(16:03):
deal with your son, not withher. All right, let me go
because we have a minute to socialmedia because there's a question that came in
on my Instagram. I read itthis week and I said, Gayla,
we have to answer this question thisweek. Okay, dear doctor Wendy,
do you have any guidance on thefollowing. This person says, I broke
up with my girlfriend last June.It was very sad. We were even
(16:23):
looking at rings. A few daysago, I received an email from my
Disneyland account asking to look at myrecent Disneyland visit pictures. Weird. The
last time I was there was ayear ago with my ex. Apparently my
email ID was still linked to herDisney PhotoPass oh technology. Upon opening the
(16:45):
email, I saw a ton ofpictures of her posing with presumably see presumably
that's a bad word, because wenever know her new boyfriend. Many of
the poses were carbon copies of ourexperience. She was even wearing the earrings
I bought her. Sadly, Isaw those images before the actual couple saw
them. I am destroyed inside.All Right, Guidance, let me just
(17:11):
say this, I'm sorry that technologyhurt you. She didn't necessarily do it
to you. People have romantic triggers, whether it's places they go, pose
as they do in front of certainplaces or whatever, and that's her romantic
style. I know it hurts.I know this must have been so painful
(17:36):
to see. You could take youremail off that account to protect yourself in
the future, but in the meantime, get out there in the world and
remind yourself how lovable you are.Find people family and friends and co workers
to laugh with, and take sometime to grieve. None of this is
(17:57):
your fault, but you were triggeredby technology. Oh that would be awful
if that happened, that would OhI'd be freaking out. Dear doctor Wendy
Sr. We had an anonymous personthat actually got disconnected. So I just
want to say, let you knowtheir question. Oh, sure, Tayla,
(18:17):
what is it? Of course shesaid that she was in a relationship
with the gentleman and he had he'sused to the poly lifestyle and she is
not, and he's pressuring her tobecome more poly and she's not really one
hundred percent interested. You know.You know what I'm gonna say, Kayla,
I do, I do, Butyou go ahead and see it yourself.
Polyamory benefits men a whole lot morethan a benefits women. Okay,
(18:42):
yes, and every man. Seebefore we had quote unquote polyamory back when
I was a young woman. You'dgo in a dates a few dates with
a guy, and then he'd saysomething like, do you ever have a
girlfriend who want to join us?Maybe? Could we do a three simp
some days? Every guy's fantasy.Okay, So now they call it.
I'm polyamorous is what I am.I live the poly life, okay,
(19:06):
And I don't mean to put downthose who actually are and are doing it
fine, and the women are happyto have an extra boyfriend or girlfriend in
there and all that. But forthe vast majority of us heterosexual people,
women don't like polyamory. Men do. And it's perfectly okay to not be
(19:26):
pressured into doing something you don't feelcomfortable with. And if your concern about
losing him is greater than your senseof self and respect and boundaries, then
you need to go to therapy andwork on that. Because the truth is,
let him go. If he's goingto pressure you, he should respect
you, your body, what you'reinterested in. Okay, social media,
(19:49):
let me go it one more onInstagram Dear doctor Wendy. I went out
on a second date with a guy. He asked me to go on a
third date, and I told thedate that I could go out. He
texted back saying that's perfect. ThenI haven't heard anything from him since then
and the date went by. Didhe ghost me? Yeah? Then she
(20:14):
goes on to say, should Isend him a friend checking in or just
let him go? It's been amonth and I think about him every day.
I'm sorry you think about him everyday? He ghosted you. If
you think about him at all,it should be to hate him. That
was rude. Okay, he setup a date, it was a third
date. He went another direction.What can I say? You ever gone
(20:36):
on a job interview and he getinvited back to the third interview and you
think I've definitely got this job,And then you get one of those form
letters that says I'm sorry, we'vegone another direction. The position is now
as full. That's all that happenedto you, Okay. Part of dating
is dealing with these bomps, andyes they hurt. I don't mean to
make light of your pain. Butare you asking me if you should text
(21:00):
again? If some of my answers? No? Absolutely no? All right?
Uh uh, we have to goto a break darn. There's some
good ones on social media? Allright? Did you know that January is
divorce month when most divorce filings takeplace when we come back How to Avoid
(21:22):
Divorce. You're listening to the DoctorWendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty
with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand. Oh yeah, that'swhat they say. I am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show. Sadly, January is divorcemonth. Uh huh. More filings take
(21:48):
place than any other month of theyear. According to one study at the
University of Washington's actually a window ofJanuary through March which shows a thirty three
percent increase in divorce filings. Sowhy well, let's think about it.
Divorce doesn't happen because somebody wakes upone morning and says, Hey, I
(22:11):
think I'm going to call a lawyerand I Am going to go file for
divorce today in between my plates andTrader Joe's. No, doesn't go like
that. Divorce takes two to fouryears to take place before a filing actually
takes place. The relationship slowly erodesgenerally, and I'm being general, men
hide money, women get plastic surgery. Something happens. Right if you're in
(22:34):
the dulg rooms of your marriage andyour wife suddenly is using your hard earned
money to get her cheeks done andher butt done and her boobs, there's
something happening. M hm. Andshe'd go to the gym all the time.
That's the beginning of the divorce,right, She's getting herself ready for
the mating marketplace. And you youcalled your brother and you said, hey,
can I put some stocks and bondsin your name? Sorry? That's
(22:56):
what people do. I know.I've been around a long time. I've
seen it happen, all right.So what happens is the holidays come and
people suck it up and hold ittogether for the children, the family.
Nobody wants to be the jerk whofiles for divorce anywhere near the holidays.
(23:17):
Can you imagine the day before Thanksgiving? Here, honey, divorce papers have
fun with Thanksgiving and Christmas. Doesn'thappen that way. Happens in January.
And Kayla, if you had toguess which gender and heterosexual couples is most
likely to file for divorce, whodo you think it is? Women?
Always? You didn't even think aboutthat. We get over it fast.
(23:38):
Seventy percent the divorce filings are doneby women. That's high number. Here's
why, Just like I said earlierto that caller, polyamory benefits men more
than women. Marriage also benefits menmore than women, because women often have
a dual job, right, eventhough we think we've evolved and changed.
In many marriages, women's st'll dothe bulk of the domestic responsibilities, to
(24:02):
domestic duties, right, the childcarewhatever. So I remember one time I
was sitting. It was before Ihad kids. No, I think I
maybe I was a single mom.No, I think if it's even before.
And I was listening to women chatand you know, and you all
lined up for your pedicure, andyou're all in those pedicure chairs and you
get to hear everybody's life story.It's our version of the bar guys.
And this woman was talking about how, you know, her husband left and
(24:26):
she's her with the two kids.And so I lean over with some words
of empathy, and I'm like,oh, I'm so sorry, life must
be so hard for you now.And she literally looked at me bewildered,
and she goes, are you kidding? I got rid of one baby?
I only have two now like.Oh okay, Also, women are emotionally
exhausted. Women tend to do thebulk of the emotional work in relationships and
(24:49):
in families for everybody. And also, here's the big one. Women are
more economically able to not put upwith bad behavior. I mean, back
in the past, the nineteen forties, fifty sixty seventies, women needed men
for financial security, but not somuch anymore so if he's abusive, if
he's a cheater, she just moveson, right. So that's why women
(25:11):
are more likely to file for divorce. Okay, I want to say a
couple things about how to have ahappy divorce. Well, there's no such
thing as a happy divorce. Howto have a divorce with few bumps in
it? I cannot stress this enough. Put the children first. That means,
tell them over and over and overhow much both of you love them,
Tell them over and over and over, even if they're twenty five.
(25:33):
Tell them that it's not their faultbecause they always blame themselves in some way.
And most importantly, do not badmouth your ex, never in front
of the kids. Because guess what, your children, whether they be twelve
or twenty two, are fifty percentgenetically them. And if you say anything
(25:57):
bad about your ex, the kidsfeel like you're insulting them. It hurts
them, it hurts their self esteem. So stop blaming and criticizing. Also
establish boundaries. That caller earlier,Mike, he didn't have boundaries. Here
was this woman who was treating himso badly, lying about him, and
(26:19):
he's saying, well, I'll fallfor divorce. That no, no,
no, no, file for divorcedone out. Okay, you're gonna tell
lies about me. You keep yourown life over there. I'll have mine
here and I'll work on the kids'mental health while I have them. If
you can try to keep lawyers outas long as possible, I know there
are some good family attorneys out there, and many of them function as mediators
(26:42):
to help people save money. Allgood, but for the most part,
anybody I know who's gone down thelawyer route, the only people who win
are the lawyers. You're think ofit. Look, when I first broke
up with my ex, we weren'tmarried, but you know, I ran
around trying to get child which Inever got. But I went to visit
(27:02):
all these attorneys and every one ofthem. You know, we're talking about
West Side of LA. Wanted twentythousand dollars retainer, twenty thousand dollars to
say hello. And then they toldme you got a fifty to fifty ball
of maybe getting child support or not. And I'm thinking to myself, if
I had twenty thousand dollars, Iwould feed my kids. There's no way
(27:22):
this is gonna line of lawyer's pockets. So I just took my kids and
did my own thing and figured outa way right, just survived. Sometimes
we lived in a small studio apartmenttogether, the three of us. By
the way, noise canceling headsets.That is the trick anyway, Keep the
lawyers out as long as you can. But here's another thought. Let's say
(27:42):
you do get through it, andit's you know, not so bumpy and
not so whatever. You know,humans thrive on rituals. Have a closing
ceremony, don't. I don't meana divorce wedding, but something. Get
together with your ex and light acandle and say, we make great kids,
Thank you so much for being therewith my I got married when I
(28:03):
was twenty divorced by twenty three,so we had a dance party. We
were all still at college, dosomething to signify that you have moved on.
Now, hopefully you're not going throughdivorce, and hopefully you don't want
one to happen. When we comeback, let's talk about what the research
says about how you can avoid divorcein your marriage. You're listening to The
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AMsix forty. Were live everywhere on the
(28:27):
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFIAM six forty on demand. Got a
mate, Getwork, Got a Manute, Get work. Welcome back to the
home stretch of The Doctor Wendywall Showand KFI AM six forty. Nobody wants
to go through a divorce course.Not I do want to remind people,
(28:49):
though, I want to pull youoff the guilt train if you've been divorced,
if you're going through a divorce.When until death Do Us Part was
invented, death was pretty imminent,right, People were dying of diseases,
wars, all kinds of things.And now, because of our very long
life expectancies, we can outgrow ourrelationships. Even the most monogamous of humans
(29:12):
may find themselves having two or threelong stints of monogamy. Right, So
it's funny, I was in acab the other day at Uber and old
guy Uber driver and uh, youknow, we're chatting because I'm a chatty
person. And Ash, are youmarried? He goes, I was.
He said, I was married forthirty years then I got unmarried. I
(29:34):
love that he just got unmarried.And funnily enough, he says his adult
son lives with him now, andhe's like, he's a worse wife.
I'm gonna unmarry him soon. He'slazy. But you know what, you
may go through divorce. And ifthe relationship, if you learn something in
that relationship and your partner learned something, then it is not a failed relationship.
(29:57):
There was no such thing as aa failed relationship. I just want
to say that. However, ifyou would like your relationship to last longer,
then there are a few things youcan do, according to research.
And here's a simple little laundry list. You get a pan out. I
want you to write this down.If you want your relationship to work out,
communicate, especially about the stuff that'shard to talk about. That's the
(30:22):
most important stuff to talk about.You can even start a conversation by saying
it's really hard for me to talkabout this, So go gently on me,
but I'm gonna try my best.Right they preface it, set it
up. Also, don't keep scorein your relationship. A relationship is not
a competition. It's a partnership.And when your partner succeeds and does great,
(30:48):
you benefit too. You're a team, team, team, team.
Here's another good one. Do notbring up old stuff if that old stuff
has been resolved. See if youdon't have good conflict resolution skills and it
doesn't get resolved, then it's goingto keep coming up. But if you
went through something, you figured outwhat the compromise is, somebody said they're
(31:11):
sorry, move on, don't bringit up. It's over. Here's one
of my favorites. It was yearsbefore I learned this. When I was
a young woman, I believed thatyou could change somebody. I believed you
could just tell them, give themthe information they needed so that they could
become a better person. Here's whatI know. Now, stop trying to
(31:34):
make somebody perfect. Learn to acceptyour partner. The only person you can
change is you and your reaction tothem. So you got a choice.
You can stay or you can leave. But stop hoping you're going to sit
there, always in agony, tryingto hope that they will change as marriages
(32:01):
go on for years. I wantyou to reassess your marriage needs because your
needs are going to change at differentstages. The relationship will have a different
purpose. Maybe the beginning of itis about raising children. Later it's about
traveling, or growing a business,or growing a charity together, or dealing
(32:22):
with ailing health. Your needs willchange. Now. There's so much research
to support this next thing. Didyou know that the happiest couples who stay
together the longest spend a lot oftime wallowing around in memories. They talk
(32:42):
about the old days, They talkabout their first date, they talk about
their first little hot weekend away.They say, oh, remember that thing
you know recently? Well, lastsummer, Hulu and I went on a
little vacation to go to somebody's weddingin Tahiti. And although we did all
kinds of things that would look goodtourist brochure, at one point we were
on an out island with it's nottouristy at all, and the little pension
(33:06):
operators lent us their bikes and wewent on a bike around this island and
we get far enough away that we'rehalfway around the island, no way to
go back or forth. And theheaviest monsoon it is so bad. I
mean, it rains so hard thatwe were even like under a palm tree
and we were laughing. Okay,we were so soaking wet. We had
(33:27):
to put our cell phones in ourcrotch. We were trying to keep them
dry. It was the only dryplace we could find. And we laughed
and laughed, and we still talkabout that, And I promise you we're
going to talk about that day twentyyears from now because it was the funniest.
We had nothing to do but justlaugh because we couldn't ride forward or
backward, we couldn't get back ontime. We had no umbrellas, we
had no raincoats, we were drenchedto the skin, and we just stood
(33:52):
under a palm tree laughing for likean hour. It was very funny.
So go and revisit those memories.It's good for your relationship. Also,
add new stuff. Research shows thatthe relationships are happiest are the ones that
do different stuff together. Add novelty. If you're in a rut, because
my mom used to say, youknow, in the summer when you're home
(34:13):
and you're a kid, and you'rebored, and go I'm bored. I'm
bored. My mom used to say, if you're bored, you're boring,
right, So do something exciting.Surprise your partner with tickets to something.
Do something different with your partner.Also on a regular On the regular,
catch your partner being good. Inother words, instead of nagging them,
(34:37):
instead of focusing on their negative qualities. I want you every single day to
find that something good that your partner'sdoing and say it out loud. Compliment
them. This actually besides speaking tothe highest part of them, because if
you reward that good behavior, guesswhat they do more of that good behavior.
But also it reminds your brain ofwhy you're there, reminds you that
(35:00):
you appreciate your partner. Also,have fun play with your partner. If
your whole life right now is aboutschedules and kids and bills and all these
things you have to do together,you're not going to be having any fun.
Julio and I had so much funin the rain that day riding those
bikes. We were just laughing.We just had fun. Have fun with
(35:22):
your partner. Oh, and havemore sex. Put your phones down,
hold hands, Light some candles.Remember you're in love with each other,
your lovers, and also understand thatmarriage isn't supposed to be happy all the
time. Speak of which, beforeI go, we did an interview over
(35:44):
the holidays that aired Wen did airlast week. Kyla, it's it.
Yeah, this amazing woman who isthe ultimate bad boy lover. So get
this. Her first boyfriend was adrug dealer who went like to jail forever.
The second one was murdered by thedrug cartel. The third one ended
up being a like el Chapo's righthand man and ended up wearing a wire
(36:07):
and turning him in. And shewrote a book called Cartel Wives. And
now she's going to prison herself tomorrowor the next day. I don't yeah,
one of these days this week.This week's for sure this week.
So if you want to listen tothat full interview, Kayla has put it
up on my page on the KFIwebsite. She go to KFI AM six
(36:28):
forty dot com and you search doctorWendy Walsh. Right, and what did
you call it? I said,when dating bad boys turns into surviving old
Chappa or something. See if you'rea bad boy chaser, ladies, you
should listen to this woman's story.It's a cautionary tale. Actually, she
was very open and honest and vulnerable, and she was very much in love.
(36:50):
As she was doing the interview,the couple, they kept touching each
other and kissing and they hadn't inthe background. They loved each other so
much, and she spent twelve yearsin prison and she waited for him.
She's such a good name interview.They better listen. Yeah, it was
so good. Have listen KFI AMsix forty dot com and then search doctor
Wendy Welsh. Hey, I'm hereevery Sunday from seven to nine pm.
If you miss any part of theshow, just always download the iHeartRadio app
(37:12):
and search doctor Wendy Walsh and youcan listen to it anytime during the week.
Also, if you want to joinmy Patreon group, we meet every
Wednesday at six thirty. We talkabout everything on the planet. It's great
fun. You go to Patreon dotcom slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Otherwise,
I'm here for you every Sunday.You were listening to the Doctor Wendy Welsh
Show on KFI AM six forty liveeverywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six
(37:34):
forty on demand
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