September 18, 2023 • 31 mins
Men getting a lot of backlash in the news...Jann Wenner and Tyler Perry. Dr. Wendy breaks it down. When women make more than men it can cause some issues. We discuss. PLUS for love or money? Why wealthy people have worse love lives. And are you in a fantasy relationship? Dr. Wendy breaks it down on KFIAM-640!
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(00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KF I am six forty the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio app. Oh. On today's
show, let's talk about love andmoney. How income affects our relationships.
You know, when women earn morethan their partners, there can be certain
problems. But when a man makesway more than her, oh, special
problems there. Later in the show, I'll also be taking your relationship calls.
(00:23):
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist. I'm
a psychology professor. But I've writtenthree books on relationships, and I did
my dissertation on attachment theory. I'mobsessed with the science of love. Producer
Kayla, how are you today?I am wonderful, Doctor Wendy. You
look lovely. Thank You'll let youknow you look lovely. Thank you very
much. Like to switch it upevery now and a ya, yes,
yes, so you should. Wegot Sandy Wells in the newsroom. How
(00:45):
are you doing? Do you makemore or less money than your wife?
You don't have to answer that question. We'll find out later what this means.
Tony, how are you, TonySargantino. It's one of my favorite
board text because whenever I have technicalproblems, I call Tony at any time
(01:06):
of the day or night. Hecould be mid byte in a restaurant,
he could be in a swimming pool, and he picks up his phone and
says, what's up, what doyou what do you need? Both have
happened. I've happened. He's like, I'm sitting by the pool with my
friends. It's okay. But thankyou Tony for all of that anytime.
So last night I went to theHollywood Bowl shout out Happy Birthday to my
(01:27):
friend Lisa Bloom. It was herbirthday and she had a group of girlfriends
in a box there and her mom, Gloria Allread, was there looking gorgeous,
and she invited me to see theSound of Music sing Along movie.
Now, at first I was like, well, that's interesting, but I
(01:49):
didn't realize. You know, there'sa cult thing happening at the Hollywood Bowl
every year for the Sound of Musicsing Along that is not unlike Rocky Horror
Picture Show, but better what doyou mean? So everyone dresses up in
costumes of either characters from the movieor lyrics from the songs and then they
buried across stage. There was ahysterical comedian host and I don't know her
(02:12):
name. Can you someone who's listeningtell me her name. Her last name
is Peterson, that's all I know. And she was a very funny comedian
and she helped all these and thenwe applauded and certain people want I'll tell
you who I wanted to win,and she didn't. There's a shout out
going to a grandmother somewhere who madethese costumes. These two little girls came
on stage and Kayla, is itokay to identify somebody by race if it
(02:39):
makes them more beautiful when you tellthe story of how visual they are.
I don't speak for all of mypeople, but I think it's okay to
describe people by race. It's it'sdifferences, is there? It's not a
bad thing to say. I wantyou to picture two little, gorgeous brown
girls dressed in canary yellow. Onewas a sunshine and the other was a
(03:02):
drop of golden sunshine. I lovethat. She was like two years old
and she had a little yellow tutuand yellow tights and she was a drop
of golden sunshine. Oh my god, I nearly. It caught my breath.
Anyway, they didn't win. Theyshould have won. Okay, the
people who won were like, whocan't the marionettes, That's who won anyway.
(03:23):
So who are the people who goto this? You would think just
families? Right, Yeah, that'sher. What's her name? Melissa Peter,
Melissa Peterman, Melissa Peterman follow heron Instagram. You guys, she's
hysterical. I want to go seeher perform because she's very funny. So
the gay men love to come anddress up in their leaderhousuns, those short
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shorts with the suspenders and the kneesocks. The lesbians loved to dress up
as the nuns. The drag queensdressed up as the baroness, the glamor
woman that he almost married before hementioned married Maria. And all the kids
dressed up as all the kids.I mean it was we even all had
nuns costumes in our group, sowe were I was having a little PTSD
(04:08):
having gone to Catholic school myself.I was like, I'm going to dawn
a habit right now for this birthdayparty. But I did just the head
dress part for me. But anyway, it was a lovely way to celebrate
a birthday. And now that Iknow what it is, I'm gonna go
every year. My friend Lisa Bloomnow has me hooked. So you're a
part of the call. I'm partof the cult. It's no, it's
like one of those Angelino experiences thateverybody in Los Angeles should just do.
(04:31):
Once one of my friends was sayinghis co parent and their daughter go every
year. Yeah, every year.Oh no, the lots of families there.
It was. It was a crosssection of everything great in Los Angeles.
And then the fact that we sangas you know how many people the
Hollywood bull hold, I don't know, thousands singing together, and then when
he sang Adelweiss, everybody holds uptheir iPhone with the light on, and
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it was like thousands and thousands ofpeople a way. It was beautiful.
Anyway, I was touched. Allright, Now, let's talk about men
who have misspoken in the news thisweek. Look, I'm in radio,
I worry. I'm on social media. I worry about saying the wrong thing
all the time. I've been attackedby trolls. I've been told I've pulled
down videos, I've said I'm sorryit's happened, but I haven't like lost
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my whole livelihood. No, Isee your dms. They are vicious off
I try not to read too manyof them. I leave them for you,
Caleb. So one gentleman is namedJohn Wenner. He is the co
found of Rolling Stone magazine and alsothe co founder of the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame. I'm gonna givehim a little bit of a pass because
(05:40):
he's seventy seven, but this weekhe was removed from the Hall's board of
directors after making comments that we're seenas disparaging toward black and female musicians.
You see, he's out promoting anew book where it features interviews that he's
done over the years with seven superfamous musicians. All well and good,
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but they're all white men, andso, you know, Mick Jaggern,
whatever, I think, Bruce Springsteen'sin there. Whatever. So then the
interviewer at the New York Times saysto him, Hey, oh, I
noticed like he didn't feature any women. And his quote is I'm going to
read it directly insofar as women will, just none of them were as articulate
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enough on this intellectual level. Andthe interviewer said, well, what about
Joni Mitchell. Well, you know, Joni's not a philosopher of rock and
roll. She didn't really meet mytest. I know. Then of black
artists, he said, Stevie Wonderis a genius. Right, Well,
I suppose you could use a wordas broad as masters, maybe even Marvin
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Gay or Curtis Mayfield. I mean, they just didn't articulate at that level.
And they later he says, youknow, for public relations sake,
maybe I should have gone and founda black person and a white woman are
artists to include here, But thenthey wouldn't have measured up to some historical
standards. Your racism is showing.Yeah, he's gone. He's gone.
(07:09):
He's gone. Sorry, dude,you're gone. Bye bye. Okay.
Tyler Perry, we love him,Yeah, but you didn't say that with
much authority. Right now, I'mproud of Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry.
We left Perry. So he appearedon the Keep It Positive Sweetie podcast and
he shared his feelings about dividing householdexpenses. You know, I told you
we'd get to relationships, and herevealed that they don't have to split down
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the middle. And here's what hesaid in the in our society right now,
black women are making a lot moremoney for the most part than black
men. Right There are a lotof black men who are successful, but
for the most part, black womenare making the money. So you,
if you can find love, ifthat man works, you know, at
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whatever job, and is a goodman and is good to you and honors
the house, honest wife, anddoes what he can because his gift may
not be your gift exactly, thatis okay. That's not somebody who's beneath
you. That's somebody who came tolove you at your work, right and
as long as he's secure in himselfto know that, yep, she makes
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most of the money. All Ican pay is a light deal. As
long as she's comfortable enough to say, I'm going to cover the mortgage and
all the other stuff. You can'tlight deal, baby, you can take
me to dinner and every now andthen, that is fine. Yeah,
that's fine. Okay, Kayla.Why didn't you like this quote? I
just feel like you are a richmale who does not need to tell women
what they need to accept from aman, especially if with a life that
(08:39):
you can't relate to. All right, I don't like a women tell women
how to be anyway or what todo. But he was on a podcast
he was asked directly there this remindsme of who is the guy who wrote
the book is Marriage for White People? That professor at was it Davis or
Berkeley? And he basically says thatif if you want to hold on to
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the strong black family, you mightwant to marry outside of your race,
if you're going to look for afinancial equal or whatever. But he also
said to not look down on aman making less. I want to take
this conversation away from race and focuson gender because there are a lot of
white women making more money than theirhusbands too. That was Ralph Richard Banks.
(09:26):
Ralph Richard Banks who said that right, very interesting book, filled with
lots of good statistics. But TylerPerry, before we get into the whole
thing about money and love in general, why do you think the internet?
I know you gave me your personalopinion, Kayla. Why do you think
the internet has such a backlash year? I feel the internet, especially Black
women, feel like we've been toldto accept last for way too long or
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settled for last for way too long, and it's like, no, actually,
I'm enough and this is what Iwant, and this is my boundary.
And I don't have to accept lastbecause you tell me I need to
accept last. I've been accepting lastfor way too long, way too many
generations, way too many are aunt. No, no, no, this
is what I'm worth, this iswhat I want, and I'm not settling
anymore. I love that. Onthe other hand, what all women are
(10:11):
worth is care, commitment, love. I've always said that relationships are an
exchange of care, and that carecan take many forms. Maybe I'm saying
what Tyler Perry said in a differentway. It can be financial care,
it can be emotional support care,it can be domestic responsibility care. But
(10:35):
I also know that there's a motherhoodtax on women that at a certain point,
I love my kids, but ata certain point they become an economic
ball and chain on women, andthen we're expected to keep up right.
So I do understand historically why womenhave always gone for men with high resources.
(10:56):
Evolutionary psychologists would say that that's naturallyingrained inside us. Tyler's I think
trying to get women to say,you know, that's there are lots of
other things that make a man worthyand good, because it's also putting a
(11:16):
lot of pressure on men. Andagain, let's take race off for a
minute. Think of men who justaren't making as much money in general,
or men who are you know,maybe they're paying off x wives and kids
and they hear older women say,oh, he just wants a purse or
a nurse. I'm like, comeon, anyway, when we come back,
(11:37):
let us talk more about this subject. And let's talk about what happens
when within marriages, when the womanmakes a lot more money or when the
man makes a lot more money.Very interesting stuff. You're listening to doctor
Wendy Walsh on demand from KF Iam six forty. Let's talk about love
and money. I always start bytelling you about my experience for the most
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part, so I you know,I think you know. I had a
childhood wedding when I was in collegeand I was like twenty and I did
I was still in college. Ihad part time jobs, so my husband
was mostly supporting us. We didn'thave children or anything, and it was
only for three years. But ourfights over money were the fact that he
didn't allow me to participate in thefinancial He would give me an allowance for
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the week, so to speak.And I felt controlled, and I would
over use credit cards, almost indefiance. Right, I look back and
see that that's what I did.Then I went on to slowly build a
career. I had one stint wherewhen I first moved to town, I
had a very wealthy boyfriend I livedwith for four years and it was a
beautiful mansion on a hill, andthat was lovely, and I was in
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golden handcuffs. And what I learnedduring those years was that when you don't
have financial power, you don't getto make any of the decisions. I
mean, you can please and begand say this is where I'd really like
to go on vacation, or thisis an item I'd like to buy,
and if you're with a kind,generous person, they will give it out
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as they feel they should. Butyou don't have a sense of freedom.
And so when I got my firstjob was anchoring the news at KCOP,
I'll just tell you, because I'mopen about everything, I'm just making seventy
thousand dollars a year. I wasthirty years old. There's a most money
I ever made in my life.I immediately moved out from him, got
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a little one bedroom apartment because thatfelt better to me than the mansion on
the hill. Now, I donot put down my girlfriends who are in
amazingly wealthy marriages, and you knowwhat, go for it and if you
can hang in there. I justcouldn't because for me, if it doesn't
feel like a peer relationship, youdon't feel like we have equal power,
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then it doesn't feel good to me. So then I started ray men started
supporting men, and I'm like,oh oh, And then the financial abuse
happened. In fact, Kayla,there was a woman we're trying to get
on as a guest, right,who runs some nonprofit for financial abuse against
Oh. Yes, yes, yes, yes, we got to get her
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because we do it. This isthe thing that's most talked not talked about
in relationships nowadays. So it usedto be that men would hit and run
and leave her with a baby anda lifetime of poverty because she was a
single mother. I'm talking about inthe thirties, forties, fifties, sixties,
right, women started making money andmen started not just extracting free sex
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from women, but extracting finances.And they have all kinds of ways to
do it. And I don't meanjust online romance. Scams that happen through
dating apps or whatever. Those arehappening, but I mean pretending to be
a commitment oriented boyfriend until he's gotyou somehow, he's got some way to
get money out of you in someway. And then what happens is when
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the women realize that they have beenromance sca and their heart is broken at
the same time that their bank accounthas been drained. They don't want to
tell anybody because of the shame.They feel so ashamed, and this is
epidemic. But let's not talk aboutthose relationships right now. Let's talk about
married couples. Right So you knowthat during the last century, women's salaries
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have gone up, and that meanstheir contributions so the household have gone up.
Believe it or not, because you'rethinking you're in a big urban center
with women who are very successful.There's a lot of rural areas. There
are a lot of small towns.There are a lot of traditional traditional people
in America. And still fifty fivepercent of heterosexual opposite sex marriages, the
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man is the primary wage earner fiftyfive percent. Okay, Now, in
about twenty nine percent marriages, they'remaking about the same amount of money sixteen
percent of a full on breadwinner wife. You don't have to acute story.
A friend of mine her husband retiredbefore her, five six years before her.
She's going to retire soon. Butshe said to me, oh my
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god, it's so easy to makemoney when you have a wife at home
because when the husband retired, hetook over the laundry, the shopping,
the house cleaning, the yardwork.She goes, I just come into my
house and use it and go backto work. She goes, if I'd
known that, I would have gottena wife years ago. So it does
help people make money. So thereare problems that happen when women make more
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money than men. For instance,mail insecurity. Right, men, just
if they have ingested that societal normthat they should be the primary breadwinner,
they're going to be insecure. Andhow do they showcase their insecurity. They
get angry and nitpicky at women.They go and have affairs to prove their
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manhood somewhere, or maybe they practicefinancial abuse. I don't know. They're
also maybe a lot of conflict arounddecision making because again historically, like in
the marriage I was in, thewomen were didn't have as much voice and
so when the woman has the money, then she starts to become like,
no, we're going here, Nowe're buying this, and he's like now
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really emasculated. Right, So there'sconflict around that. There's some other conflicts
that I do want to talk aboutwhen we come back, as well as
what we can do. And thenlet's talk about why wealthy people actually have
worse love lives. You wouldn't believewhy you're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on
demand from kf I am six fortyglad you picked that song Millionaire. That's
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a beautiful song that was you.He feels like a millionaire just because he
has this amazing woman. Oh Ilove it. Speaking about loving money,
we're talking about relationships where the womanmakes more than the man. I'm not
suggesting that women should try to makeless money, okay, I'm just saying
be prepared for some of the conflictsthat might happen around male insecurity, about
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disparities in the work and leisure time, division of household labor. So here's
what you need to do. Youneed to talk about this everything. You
know, the healthiest couples have actuallylots of mini conflict all day long.
They have border skirmishes. Juli andI do too. Is we do like
sort of fake bickering. It's likesport for us. But that's how we
work stuff out. So maintain opencommunication. Try very hard not to judge,
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don't try to think that they've gotto think like you. And also
understand that relationships are about compromising,right. You can't just dig in your
heels whether you're the breadwinner or not. You're in there to share a life
together and with any kind of couple. That happen, couples conflict that happens.
Don't point fingers, don't blame allright, If you're deciding, I
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get this question sent on social mediaall the time, whether to marry somebody
who makes less money for you?The first word I say is prenuptial agreement.
But secondly, focus on how compatibleyou guys are. Talk about all
the other pieces of relationship. AsI said, relationships are many things.
When you exchange care. Now,it was this really interesting article this week
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in Forbes magazine. Did I sendit to you, Kayla, or did
you send it to me? Aboutwhy wealthy people have worse love lives?
No, you found that on yourown. It was so interestingly, the
Internet gave it to me because theyknew I'd want that one. So here's
what you should know about happiness.If you are wondering if money can buy
happiness, the research shows cross culturalresearch shows that about fifty percent of our
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happiness level is one hundred percent genetic. If you had a happy parents and
happy grandparents and happy great grandparents,you got a good shot of being a
basically a happy person and looking atlife through a glass half full, being
positive and energetic. I would sayKayla got that gene. For instance,
She's warm, she's happy, sheflirts with everybody at the clubs, she's
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a welcoming person. Right, that'sgenetic. Then ten percent is only related
to economic stuff. So in otherwords, and mostly if it moves you
out of poverty into the middle class, that can make you happier, right,
because you're not stressing so much.But what about that other forty percent
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of happiness that's up to us?Now? This interesting article Informs magazine basically
said that many affluent people complain thatthey can't find love or they have bad
relationships, and they use rationalizations like, you know, it's just too hard
to balance my work with a romanticrelationship because I'm working so much, or
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I feel like my lifestyle isolates me. Yes, I'm sitting in my mention
on the hill. I can't meetpeople. I can't just go on Tinder,
Well you could. Or they saythey travel too much and they're going
to events and meeting people and they'rewondering if people like them for their money
or like them for them. Okay, those are a bunch of rationalizations.
Here's the truth. A twenty sixteenstudy that was published in Front Tears in
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Psychology revealed that people who are wealthierplace more emphasis on a partner's appearance,
especially for straight men. Yeah,women will go with a really wealthy guy
as long as his wardrobe is allmade out one hundred dollar bills. I
mean, he can look so uglyit didn't matter. So the other problem
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is that wealthy people enter social circleswhere there is a great deal of social
shame. So they feel like compelledto pursue people that are outside of their
league, right in the looks department, because they go money, so they
think they deserve it somehow. NowI want to tell you this. I
believe that some people who put makingmoney ahead of everything else in life,
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are often compensating, compensating for somefeelings of low self esteem. Maybe they're
thinking, I feel unlovable, sowhen I become rich people will like me
then. Or maybe they have relationshipproblems because they have attachment injuries. Maybe
they came from wealthy parents who areworking all the time or socializing all the
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time, or traveling all the timeand left them with nannies with inconsistent childcare,
so they have an insecure attachment styleand they go on and live that
out in their adult romantic behavior.There's also research to show that I'm sorry,
I don't shoot the messenger here.This is a twenty twelve study published
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in Proceedings of the National Academy ofSciences. They found that the more wealthy
somebody is, the more they havea relaxed attitude about unethical behavior. You
know, low friends in low friendsin high places. Yes, so they're
a little lax about the rules.Did you know the less money you make,
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the more you follow the rules.Not interesting? Maybe they have to
break rules on their tax return orsomething I don't know, and so their
decision making often leans towards self interestrather than fairness. For everybody that's hard
in a relationship, right, Itmakes them less considerate of others. They
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have a little less empathy, andthey have an over emphasis emphasis on winning.
Remember I told us the story acouple of weeks ago that when I
did a Day in the Life ofDonald Trump, when I hosted extra,
he kept like he wanted to flirtwith me, but he only my value
to him. It appeared to mewas that he needed to know who he
was stealing me from, because allhe kept asking me is isn't many many,
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many years ago in the nineties,who I was dating in LA,
who I had dated in La,who my exes were? Like? In
his mind, I had to bewith higher end men so that he could
steal me and feel that I wasan object of value. That's that over
emphasis on winning. So here's whata psychologist would say, and this is
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what is listed in the great Forbesarticle that you should read. Diversify your
social portfolio. It's good for yourmental health. Having a diverse group of
people gives you a much wider perspectiveon life. So get on out there,
get out of your glass castle ontop of the hill, go to
a TGI Friday's go to an Applebee's, go to the ardhouse. You'll mean.
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I had a wealthy friend once,years and years ahead, and he
was living in his mansion up ona hill, and he's saying, it's
just as before dating apps. It'sso hard to meet women I go.
You know where they are. Youknow they're at Applebee's, They're at TGI
Friday's. The nice assistants who areworking so hard all day long and look
great. There's where you're gonna beetnice regular down the nurses. That's where
they go for a drink after work. Okay, Also seek value, not
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just winning. Don't look for thoseflashy short term relationships to show off.
Look for deeper connections and continue tolearn. That means go to counseling.
See it there, go to workshops. Try to focus on developing your personal
life. There are a lot oflonely, isolated, wealthy people. When
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I'm at my Julio. Before Imet him, I was on the apps
for a few months during COVID.And let me tell you, gentlemen,
ladies, you should know this.In Newport Beach and Laguna Beach, there
are a plethora of lonely men sittingin nice houses with wine cellars, driving
porsches, and it was like oneafter another, and they didn't seem any
different to me. They were sortof the same character over and over and
(25:30):
over. So anyway, if youwant that, ladies, there there,
that's where you should be looking,all right, when we come back.
Are you in a fantasy relationship?And I don't mean your imagination like you're
imagining being with a celebrity, Imean the relationship you're in. Are you
fantasizing about how good it is?Because I used to do that all the
time, and let me tell youit did not work for me. Let
me explain. When we come back. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on
(25:52):
demand from kf I am six forty. If you would like to see us
here in the studio, you canlog onto my Instagram. I'd like to
welcome my grand followers. Hi,guys, We're also live on Instagram.
My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. And you know what, I actually
forgot my phone. When do youever forget your cell phone? And I
remembered it on the one oh onefreeway because my boyfriend Julio called and only
(26:15):
my watch rang, so I waslike talking to my watch, going where's
my phone? And I realized Ileft at home, So I decided not
to turn around. I decided tojust see what life would be like for
half a day without a phone.Of course, then I wanted to go
live on Instagram. And I lookedat Kayla like a deer caught in headlights,
like what would I do? AndShe's like, well, I'm logged
(26:36):
onto your Instagram. I can justgo in because she gets the dms right.
If you send me dms about questionsfor on air, Kayla will read
them and provide them to me.So there, now I'm on Kayla's phone.
I'm running down your battery. Okay. I wanted to talk about this.
I wrote about this in my bookThe Boyfriend Test. How do we
(26:56):
evaluate his potential before you lose yourheart? So many people fall in love
with a partner's potential. I liketo think they fall in love with hope.
They fall in love with things willget better. Often this is connected
to having an insecure attachment style,a faulty model for love that happened very
(27:18):
early in life from your family oforigin. But you know, we do
have a good prefrontal cortex and wecan start to think through what we're doing
in our love lives. I hadmany relationships that were bad, one that
was toxic, one that all myfriends said he was bad, and I
always made excuses and rationalizations. Iknow what the brainin does when it's tricking
(27:45):
us. Right, So let's talkabout signs that you're in a fantasy relationship
and what you should do about it. How about this. You're always thinking
about the future. You're all alwaysthinking about how great things will be once
they change or once you fix them. Right, We're not supposed to heal
(28:07):
our partner. It is not ourjob to heal our partner. But if
you're spending your time not thinking aboutyour present happiness but instead thinking about your
future and how things will just getbetter, that means you're in love with
longing. You're not in love rightnow. Another check our brain does is
sometimes we will focus too much onthe past, the golden days. Every
(28:30):
relationship, even if it's abusive intoxic, started out with a honeymoon phase,
and we all go back to thosememories. Now. I will say
that healthy couples do that too.So healthy couples often reflect and think about
their first dates and the first timethey made love and where it was,
and maybe their first romantic vacation ortheir wedding day, and they will exchange
(28:55):
stories about their memories and that helpsremind them this is different, and this
is you in your head spending timeswimming back in the past because the present
is pretty awful. It's not youand them dreaming together, remembering together,
talking about a future together. It'syou going well, if I hang in
(29:15):
there, it's going to go backto the honeymoon phase. If I just
behave myself, if I do thingsdifferently, it'll go back. Mmmm.
Here's the big one that I did. All the time, you make excuses
for your partner's behavior. Guess whatmy excuse was, Well, you know
he had a really bad childhood,right. I thought you could heal someone
with acceptance and love and just constantpermission, but permission for bad behavior,
(29:37):
no, and making excuses and rationalizationsno. You also tend to over explain
all the problems in your relationship tofriends and family members. You're smart,
your brain is tricky. You're agood talker. Before you know it,
(29:59):
you're vincing them that everything's okay whenit isn't. And when you do feel
sad, you blame yourself. Yousay it must be hormones, it must
be PMS, it must be Idon't know. I'm just going through bad
time. Never blame the other person. That means you're in a fantasy relationship,
(30:21):
and the main thing is that you'vemade changes and nothing's gotten better.
So I want to tell you thatyou need to go see a license therapist
if you're in a so called fantasyrelationship, if you're in love with Longing
and in love with hope. Idid. I spent eighteen years on and
off in therapy until I learned toheal my anxious attachment disorder and find a
(30:42):
secure attachment. So I know youcan do it too, but you've got
to make the break in. Doit Okay. When we come back,
I'm taking your calls and answering yoursocial media questions. The phone number is
one eight hundred five two zero onefive three four. That's one eight hundred
at five two zero one KF five. You've been listening to doctor Wendy Walsh.
(31:06):
You can always hear us live onk five AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytimeon demand on the iHeartRadio app,
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KF I am six forty the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio app. Oh. On today's
show, let's talk about love andmoney. How income affects our relationships.
You know, when women earn morethan their partners, there can be certain
problems. But when a man makesway more than her, oh, special
problems there. Later in the show, I'll also be taking your relationship calls.
(00:23):
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist. I'm
a psychology professor. But I've writtenthree books on relationships, and I did
my dissertation on attachment theory. I'mobsessed with the science of love. Producer
Kayla, how are you today?I am wonderful, Doctor Wendy. You
look lovely. Thank You'll let youknow you look lovely. Thank you very
much. Like to switch it upevery now and a ya, yes,
yes, so you should. Wegot Sandy Wells in the newsroom. How
(00:45):
are you doing? Do you makemore or less money than your wife?
You don't have to answer that question. We'll find out later what this means.
Tony, how are you, TonySargantino. It's one of my favorite
board text because whenever I have technicalproblems, I call Tony at any time
(01:06):
of the day or night. Hecould be mid byte in a restaurant,
he could be in a swimming pool, and he picks up his phone and
says, what's up, what doyou what do you need? Both have
happened. I've happened. He's like, I'm sitting by the pool with my
friends. It's okay. But thankyou Tony for all of that anytime.
So last night I went to theHollywood Bowl shout out Happy Birthday to my
(01:27):
friend Lisa Bloom. It was herbirthday and she had a group of girlfriends
in a box there and her mom, Gloria Allread, was there looking gorgeous,
and she invited me to see theSound of Music sing Along movie.
Now, at first I was like, well, that's interesting, but I
(01:49):
didn't realize. You know, there'sa cult thing happening at the Hollywood Bowl
every year for the Sound of Musicsing Along that is not unlike Rocky Horror
Picture Show, but better what doyou mean? So everyone dresses up in
costumes of either characters from the movieor lyrics from the songs and then they
buried across stage. There was ahysterical comedian host and I don't know her
(02:12):
name. Can you someone who's listeningtell me her name. Her last name
is Peterson, that's all I know. And she was a very funny comedian
and she helped all these and thenwe applauded and certain people want I'll tell
you who I wanted to win,and she didn't. There's a shout out
going to a grandmother somewhere who madethese costumes. These two little girls came
on stage and Kayla, is itokay to identify somebody by race if it
(02:39):
makes them more beautiful when you tellthe story of how visual they are.
I don't speak for all of mypeople, but I think it's okay to
describe people by race. It's it'sdifferences, is there? It's not a
bad thing to say. I wantyou to picture two little, gorgeous brown
girls dressed in canary yellow. Onewas a sunshine and the other was a
(03:02):
drop of golden sunshine. I lovethat. She was like two years old
and she had a little yellow tutuand yellow tights and she was a drop
of golden sunshine. Oh my god, I nearly. It caught my breath.
Anyway, they didn't win. Theyshould have won. Okay, the
people who won were like, whocan't the marionettes, That's who won anyway.
(03:23):
So who are the people who goto this? You would think just
families? Right, Yeah, that'sher. What's her name? Melissa Peter,
Melissa Peterman, Melissa Peterman follow heron Instagram. You guys, she's
hysterical. I want to go seeher perform because she's very funny. So
the gay men love to come anddress up in their leaderhousuns, those short
(03:46):
shorts with the suspenders and the kneesocks. The lesbians loved to dress up
as the nuns. The drag queensdressed up as the baroness, the glamor
woman that he almost married before hementioned married Maria. And all the kids
dressed up as all the kids.I mean it was we even all had
nuns costumes in our group, sowe were I was having a little PTSD
(04:08):
having gone to Catholic school myself.I was like, I'm going to dawn
a habit right now for this birthdayparty. But I did just the head
dress part for me. But anyway, it was a lovely way to celebrate
a birthday. And now that Iknow what it is, I'm gonna go
every year. My friend Lisa Bloomnow has me hooked. So you're a
part of the call. I'm partof the cult. It's no, it's
like one of those Angelino experiences thateverybody in Los Angeles should just do.
(04:31):
Once one of my friends was sayinghis co parent and their daughter go every
year. Yeah, every year.Oh no, the lots of families there.
It was. It was a crosssection of everything great in Los Angeles.
And then the fact that we sangas you know how many people the
Hollywood bull hold, I don't know, thousands singing together, and then when
he sang Adelweiss, everybody holds uptheir iPhone with the light on, and
(04:56):
it was like thousands and thousands ofpeople a way. It was beautiful.
Anyway, I was touched. Allright, Now, let's talk about men
who have misspoken in the news thisweek. Look, I'm in radio,
I worry. I'm on social media. I worry about saying the wrong thing
all the time. I've been attackedby trolls. I've been told I've pulled
down videos, I've said I'm sorryit's happened, but I haven't like lost
(05:18):
my whole livelihood. No, Isee your dms. They are vicious off
I try not to read too manyof them. I leave them for you,
Caleb. So one gentleman is namedJohn Wenner. He is the co
found of Rolling Stone magazine and alsothe co founder of the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame. I'm gonna givehim a little bit of a pass because
(05:40):
he's seventy seven, but this weekhe was removed from the Hall's board of
directors after making comments that we're seenas disparaging toward black and female musicians.
You see, he's out promoting anew book where it features interviews that he's
done over the years with seven superfamous musicians. All well and good,
(06:01):
but they're all white men, andso, you know, Mick Jaggern,
whatever, I think, Bruce Springsteen'sin there. Whatever. So then the
interviewer at the New York Times saysto him, Hey, oh, I
noticed like he didn't feature any women. And his quote is I'm going to
read it directly insofar as women will, just none of them were as articulate
(06:21):
enough on this intellectual level. Andthe interviewer said, well, what about
Joni Mitchell. Well, you know, Joni's not a philosopher of rock and
roll. She didn't really meet mytest. I know. Then of black
artists, he said, Stevie Wonderis a genius. Right, Well,
I suppose you could use a wordas broad as masters, maybe even Marvin
(06:46):
Gay or Curtis Mayfield. I mean, they just didn't articulate at that level.
And they later he says, youknow, for public relations sake,
maybe I should have gone and founda black person and a white woman are
artists to include here, But thenthey wouldn't have measured up to some historical
standards. Your racism is showing.Yeah, he's gone. He's gone.
(07:09):
He's gone. Sorry, dude,you're gone. Bye bye. Okay.
Tyler Perry, we love him,Yeah, but you didn't say that with
much authority. Right now, I'mproud of Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry.
We left Perry. So he appearedon the Keep It Positive Sweetie podcast and
he shared his feelings about dividing householdexpenses. You know, I told you
we'd get to relationships, and herevealed that they don't have to split down
(07:32):
the middle. And here's what hesaid in the in our society right now,
black women are making a lot moremoney for the most part than black
men. Right There are a lotof black men who are successful, but
for the most part, black womenare making the money. So you,
if you can find love, ifthat man works, you know, at
(07:53):
whatever job, and is a goodman and is good to you and honors
the house, honest wife, anddoes what he can because his gift may
not be your gift exactly, thatis okay. That's not somebody who's beneath
you. That's somebody who came tolove you at your work, right and
as long as he's secure in himselfto know that, yep, she makes
(08:16):
most of the money. All Ican pay is a light deal. As
long as she's comfortable enough to say, I'm going to cover the mortgage and
all the other stuff. You can'tlight deal, baby, you can take
me to dinner and every now andthen, that is fine. Yeah,
that's fine. Okay, Kayla.Why didn't you like this quote? I
just feel like you are a richmale who does not need to tell women
what they need to accept from aman, especially if with a life that
(08:39):
you can't relate to. All right, I don't like a women tell women
how to be anyway or what todo. But he was on a podcast
he was asked directly there this remindsme of who is the guy who wrote
the book is Marriage for White People? That professor at was it Davis or
Berkeley? And he basically says thatif if you want to hold on to
(09:05):
the strong black family, you mightwant to marry outside of your race,
if you're going to look for afinancial equal or whatever. But he also
said to not look down on aman making less. I want to take
this conversation away from race and focuson gender because there are a lot of
white women making more money than theirhusbands too. That was Ralph Richard Banks.
(09:26):
Ralph Richard Banks who said that right, very interesting book, filled with
lots of good statistics. But TylerPerry, before we get into the whole
thing about money and love in general, why do you think the internet?
I know you gave me your personalopinion, Kayla. Why do you think
the internet has such a backlash year? I feel the internet, especially Black
women, feel like we've been toldto accept last for way too long or
(09:50):
settled for last for way too long, and it's like, no, actually,
I'm enough and this is what Iwant, and this is my boundary.
And I don't have to accept lastbecause you tell me I need to
accept last. I've been accepting lastfor way too long, way too many
generations, way too many are aunt. No, no, no, this
is what I'm worth, this iswhat I want, and I'm not settling
anymore. I love that. Onthe other hand, what all women are
(10:11):
worth is care, commitment, love. I've always said that relationships are an
exchange of care, and that carecan take many forms. Maybe I'm saying
what Tyler Perry said in a differentway. It can be financial care,
it can be emotional support care,it can be domestic responsibility care. But
(10:35):
I also know that there's a motherhoodtax on women that at a certain point,
I love my kids, but ata certain point they become an economic
ball and chain on women, andthen we're expected to keep up right.
So I do understand historically why womenhave always gone for men with high resources.
(10:56):
Evolutionary psychologists would say that that's naturallyingrained inside us. Tyler's I think
trying to get women to say,you know, that's there are lots of
other things that make a man worthyand good, because it's also putting a
(11:16):
lot of pressure on men. Andagain, let's take race off for a
minute. Think of men who justaren't making as much money in general,
or men who are you know,maybe they're paying off x wives and kids
and they hear older women say,oh, he just wants a purse or
a nurse. I'm like, comeon, anyway, when we come back,
(11:37):
let us talk more about this subject. And let's talk about what happens
when within marriages, when the womanmakes a lot more money or when the
man makes a lot more money.Very interesting stuff. You're listening to doctor
Wendy Walsh on demand from KF Iam six forty. Let's talk about love
and money. I always start bytelling you about my experience for the most
(12:01):
part, so I you know,I think you know. I had a
childhood wedding when I was in collegeand I was like twenty and I did
I was still in college. Ihad part time jobs, so my husband
was mostly supporting us. We didn'thave children or anything, and it was
only for three years. But ourfights over money were the fact that he
didn't allow me to participate in thefinancial He would give me an allowance for
(12:26):
the week, so to speak.And I felt controlled, and I would
over use credit cards, almost indefiance. Right, I look back and
see that that's what I did.Then I went on to slowly build a
career. I had one stint wherewhen I first moved to town, I
had a very wealthy boyfriend I livedwith for four years and it was a
beautiful mansion on a hill, andthat was lovely, and I was in
(12:46):
golden handcuffs. And what I learnedduring those years was that when you don't
have financial power, you don't getto make any of the decisions. I
mean, you can please and begand say this is where I'd really like
to go on vacation, or thisis an item I'd like to buy,
and if you're with a kind,generous person, they will give it out
(13:09):
as they feel they should. Butyou don't have a sense of freedom.
And so when I got my firstjob was anchoring the news at KCOP,
I'll just tell you, because I'mopen about everything, I'm just making seventy
thousand dollars a year. I wasthirty years old. There's a most money
I ever made in my life.I immediately moved out from him, got
(13:30):
a little one bedroom apartment because thatfelt better to me than the mansion on
the hill. Now, I donot put down my girlfriends who are in
amazingly wealthy marriages, and you knowwhat, go for it and if you
can hang in there. I justcouldn't because for me, if it doesn't
feel like a peer relationship, youdon't feel like we have equal power,
(13:52):
then it doesn't feel good to me. So then I started ray men started
supporting men, and I'm like,oh oh, And then the financial abuse
happened. In fact, Kayla,there was a woman we're trying to get
on as a guest, right,who runs some nonprofit for financial abuse against
Oh. Yes, yes, yes, yes, we got to get her
(14:13):
because we do it. This isthe thing that's most talked not talked about
in relationships nowadays. So it usedto be that men would hit and run
and leave her with a baby anda lifetime of poverty because she was a
single mother. I'm talking about inthe thirties, forties, fifties, sixties,
right, women started making money andmen started not just extracting free sex
(14:35):
from women, but extracting finances.And they have all kinds of ways to
do it. And I don't meanjust online romance. Scams that happen through
dating apps or whatever. Those arehappening, but I mean pretending to be
a commitment oriented boyfriend until he's gotyou somehow, he's got some way to
get money out of you in someway. And then what happens is when
(14:56):
the women realize that they have beenromance sca and their heart is broken at
the same time that their bank accounthas been drained. They don't want to
tell anybody because of the shame.They feel so ashamed, and this is
epidemic. But let's not talk aboutthose relationships right now. Let's talk about
married couples. Right So you knowthat during the last century, women's salaries
(15:22):
have gone up, and that meanstheir contributions so the household have gone up.
Believe it or not, because you'rethinking you're in a big urban center
with women who are very successful.There's a lot of rural areas. There
are a lot of small towns.There are a lot of traditional traditional people
in America. And still fifty fivepercent of heterosexual opposite sex marriages, the
(15:45):
man is the primary wage earner fiftyfive percent. Okay, Now, in
about twenty nine percent marriages, they'remaking about the same amount of money sixteen
percent of a full on breadwinner wife. You don't have to acute story.
A friend of mine her husband retiredbefore her, five six years before her.
She's going to retire soon. Butshe said to me, oh my
(16:06):
god, it's so easy to makemoney when you have a wife at home
because when the husband retired, hetook over the laundry, the shopping,
the house cleaning, the yardwork.She goes, I just come into my
house and use it and go backto work. She goes, if I'd
known that, I would have gottena wife years ago. So it does
help people make money. So thereare problems that happen when women make more
(16:27):
money than men. For instance,mail insecurity. Right, men, just
if they have ingested that societal normthat they should be the primary breadwinner,
they're going to be insecure. Andhow do they showcase their insecurity. They
get angry and nitpicky at women.They go and have affairs to prove their
(16:48):
manhood somewhere, or maybe they practicefinancial abuse. I don't know. They're
also maybe a lot of conflict arounddecision making because again historically, like in
the marriage I was in, thewomen were didn't have as much voice and
so when the woman has the money, then she starts to become like,
no, we're going here, Nowe're buying this, and he's like now
(17:10):
really emasculated. Right, So there'sconflict around that. There's some other conflicts
that I do want to talk aboutwhen we come back, as well as
what we can do. And thenlet's talk about why wealthy people actually have
worse love lives. You wouldn't believewhy you're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on
demand from kf I am six fortyglad you picked that song Millionaire. That's
(17:32):
a beautiful song that was you.He feels like a millionaire just because he
has this amazing woman. Oh Ilove it. Speaking about loving money,
we're talking about relationships where the womanmakes more than the man. I'm not
suggesting that women should try to makeless money, okay, I'm just saying
be prepared for some of the conflictsthat might happen around male insecurity, about
(17:55):
disparities in the work and leisure time, division of household labor. So here's
what you need to do. Youneed to talk about this everything. You
know, the healthiest couples have actuallylots of mini conflict all day long.
They have border skirmishes. Juli andI do too. Is we do like
sort of fake bickering. It's likesport for us. But that's how we
work stuff out. So maintain opencommunication. Try very hard not to judge,
(18:19):
don't try to think that they've gotto think like you. And also
understand that relationships are about compromising,right. You can't just dig in your
heels whether you're the breadwinner or not. You're in there to share a life
together and with any kind of couple. That happen, couples conflict that happens.
Don't point fingers, don't blame allright, If you're deciding, I
(18:44):
get this question sent on social mediaall the time, whether to marry somebody
who makes less money for you?The first word I say is prenuptial agreement.
But secondly, focus on how compatibleyou guys are. Talk about all
the other pieces of relationship. AsI said, relationships are many things.
When you exchange care. Now,it was this really interesting article this week
(19:07):
in Forbes magazine. Did I sendit to you, Kayla, or did
you send it to me? Aboutwhy wealthy people have worse love lives?
No, you found that on yourown. It was so interestingly, the
Internet gave it to me because theyknew I'd want that one. So here's
what you should know about happiness.If you are wondering if money can buy
happiness, the research shows cross culturalresearch shows that about fifty percent of our
(19:30):
happiness level is one hundred percent genetic. If you had a happy parents and
happy grandparents and happy great grandparents,you got a good shot of being a
basically a happy person and looking atlife through a glass half full, being
positive and energetic. I would sayKayla got that gene. For instance,
She's warm, she's happy, sheflirts with everybody at the clubs, she's
(19:53):
a welcoming person. Right, that'sgenetic. Then ten percent is only related
to economic stuff. So in otherwords, and mostly if it moves you
out of poverty into the middle class, that can make you happier, right,
because you're not stressing so much.But what about that other forty percent
(20:15):
of happiness that's up to us?Now? This interesting article Informs magazine basically
said that many affluent people complain thatthey can't find love or they have bad
relationships, and they use rationalizations like, you know, it's just too hard
to balance my work with a romanticrelationship because I'm working so much, or
(20:36):
I feel like my lifestyle isolates me. Yes, I'm sitting in my mention
on the hill. I can't meetpeople. I can't just go on Tinder,
Well you could. Or they saythey travel too much and they're going
to events and meeting people and they'rewondering if people like them for their money
or like them for them. Okay, those are a bunch of rationalizations.
Here's the truth. A twenty sixteenstudy that was published in Front Tears in
(21:00):
Psychology revealed that people who are wealthierplace more emphasis on a partner's appearance,
especially for straight men. Yeah,women will go with a really wealthy guy
as long as his wardrobe is allmade out one hundred dollar bills. I
mean, he can look so uglyit didn't matter. So the other problem
(21:25):
is that wealthy people enter social circleswhere there is a great deal of social
shame. So they feel like compelledto pursue people that are outside of their
league, right in the looks department, because they go money, so they
think they deserve it somehow. NowI want to tell you this. I
believe that some people who put makingmoney ahead of everything else in life,
(21:49):
are often compensating, compensating for somefeelings of low self esteem. Maybe they're
thinking, I feel unlovable, sowhen I become rich people will like me
then. Or maybe they have relationshipproblems because they have attachment injuries. Maybe
they came from wealthy parents who areworking all the time or socializing all the
(22:12):
time, or traveling all the timeand left them with nannies with inconsistent childcare,
so they have an insecure attachment styleand they go on and live that
out in their adult romantic behavior.There's also research to show that I'm sorry,
I don't shoot the messenger here.This is a twenty twelve study published
(22:33):
in Proceedings of the National Academy ofSciences. They found that the more wealthy
somebody is, the more they havea relaxed attitude about unethical behavior. You
know, low friends in low friendsin high places. Yes, so they're
a little lax about the rules.Did you know the less money you make,
(22:56):
the more you follow the rules.Not interesting? Maybe they have to
break rules on their tax return orsomething I don't know, and so their
decision making often leans towards self interestrather than fairness. For everybody that's hard
in a relationship, right, Itmakes them less considerate of others. They
(23:17):
have a little less empathy, andthey have an over emphasis emphasis on winning.
Remember I told us the story acouple of weeks ago that when I
did a Day in the Life ofDonald Trump, when I hosted extra,
he kept like he wanted to flirtwith me, but he only my value
to him. It appeared to mewas that he needed to know who he
was stealing me from, because allhe kept asking me is isn't many many,
(23:40):
many years ago in the nineties,who I was dating in LA,
who I had dated in La,who my exes were? Like? In
his mind, I had to bewith higher end men so that he could
steal me and feel that I wasan object of value. That's that over
emphasis on winning. So here's whata psychologist would say, and this is
(24:00):
what is listed in the great Forbesarticle that you should read. Diversify your
social portfolio. It's good for yourmental health. Having a diverse group of
people gives you a much wider perspectiveon life. So get on out there,
get out of your glass castle ontop of the hill, go to
a TGI Friday's go to an Applebee's, go to the ardhouse. You'll mean.
(24:22):
I had a wealthy friend once,years and years ahead, and he
was living in his mansion up ona hill, and he's saying, it's
just as before dating apps. It'sso hard to meet women I go.
You know where they are. Youknow they're at Applebee's, They're at TGI
Friday's. The nice assistants who areworking so hard all day long and look
great. There's where you're gonna beetnice regular down the nurses. That's where
they go for a drink after work. Okay, Also seek value, not
(24:48):
just winning. Don't look for thoseflashy short term relationships to show off.
Look for deeper connections and continue tolearn. That means go to counseling.
See it there, go to workshops. Try to focus on developing your personal
life. There are a lot oflonely, isolated, wealthy people. When
(25:10):
I'm at my Julio. Before Imet him, I was on the apps
for a few months during COVID.And let me tell you, gentlemen,
ladies, you should know this.In Newport Beach and Laguna Beach, there
are a plethora of lonely men sittingin nice houses with wine cellars, driving
porsches, and it was like oneafter another, and they didn't seem any
different to me. They were sortof the same character over and over and
(25:30):
over. So anyway, if youwant that, ladies, there there,
that's where you should be looking,all right, when we come back.
Are you in a fantasy relationship?And I don't mean your imagination like you're
imagining being with a celebrity, Imean the relationship you're in. Are you
fantasizing about how good it is?Because I used to do that all the
time, and let me tell youit did not work for me. Let
me explain. When we come back. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on
(25:52):
demand from kf I am six forty. If you would like to see us
here in the studio, you canlog onto my Instagram. I'd like to
welcome my grand followers. Hi,guys, We're also live on Instagram.
My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. And you know what, I actually
forgot my phone. When do youever forget your cell phone? And I
remembered it on the one oh onefreeway because my boyfriend Julio called and only
(26:15):
my watch rang, so I waslike talking to my watch, going where's
my phone? And I realized Ileft at home, So I decided not
to turn around. I decided tojust see what life would be like for
half a day without a phone.Of course, then I wanted to go
live on Instagram. And I lookedat Kayla like a deer caught in headlights,
like what would I do? AndShe's like, well, I'm logged
(26:36):
onto your Instagram. I can justgo in because she gets the dms right.
If you send me dms about questionsfor on air, Kayla will read
them and provide them to me.So there, now I'm on Kayla's phone.
I'm running down your battery. Okay. I wanted to talk about this.
I wrote about this in my bookThe Boyfriend Test. How do we
(26:56):
evaluate his potential before you lose yourheart? So many people fall in love
with a partner's potential. I liketo think they fall in love with hope.
They fall in love with things willget better. Often this is connected
to having an insecure attachment style,a faulty model for love that happened very
(27:18):
early in life from your family oforigin. But you know, we do
have a good prefrontal cortex and wecan start to think through what we're doing
in our love lives. I hadmany relationships that were bad, one that
was toxic, one that all myfriends said he was bad, and I
always made excuses and rationalizations. Iknow what the brainin does when it's tricking
(27:45):
us. Right, So let's talkabout signs that you're in a fantasy relationship
and what you should do about it. How about this. You're always thinking
about the future. You're all alwaysthinking about how great things will be once
they change or once you fix them. Right, We're not supposed to heal
(28:07):
our partner. It is not ourjob to heal our partner. But if
you're spending your time not thinking aboutyour present happiness but instead thinking about your
future and how things will just getbetter, that means you're in love with
longing. You're not in love rightnow. Another check our brain does is
sometimes we will focus too much onthe past, the golden days. Every
(28:30):
relationship, even if it's abusive intoxic, started out with a honeymoon phase,
and we all go back to thosememories. Now. I will say
that healthy couples do that too.So healthy couples often reflect and think about
their first dates and the first timethey made love and where it was,
and maybe their first romantic vacation ortheir wedding day, and they will exchange
(28:55):
stories about their memories and that helpsremind them this is different, and this
is you in your head spending timeswimming back in the past because the present
is pretty awful. It's not youand them dreaming together, remembering together,
talking about a future together. It'syou going well, if I hang in
(29:15):
there, it's going to go backto the honeymoon phase. If I just
behave myself, if I do thingsdifferently, it'll go back. Mmmm.
Here's the big one that I did. All the time, you make excuses
for your partner's behavior. Guess whatmy excuse was, Well, you know
he had a really bad childhood,right. I thought you could heal someone
with acceptance and love and just constantpermission, but permission for bad behavior,
(29:37):
no, and making excuses and rationalizationsno. You also tend to over explain
all the problems in your relationship tofriends and family members. You're smart,
your brain is tricky. You're agood talker. Before you know it,
(29:59):
you're vincing them that everything's okay whenit isn't. And when you do feel
sad, you blame yourself. Yousay it must be hormones, it must
be PMS, it must be Idon't know. I'm just going through bad
time. Never blame the other person. That means you're in a fantasy relationship,
(30:21):
and the main thing is that you'vemade changes and nothing's gotten better.
So I want to tell you thatyou need to go see a license therapist
if you're in a so called fantasyrelationship, if you're in love with Longing
and in love with hope. Idid. I spent eighteen years on and
off in therapy until I learned toheal my anxious attachment disorder and find a
(30:42):
secure attachment. So I know youcan do it too, but you've got
to make the break in. Doit Okay. When we come back,
I'm taking your calls and answering yoursocial media questions. The phone number is
one eight hundred five two zero onefive three four. That's one eight hundred
at five two zero one KF five. You've been listening to doctor Wendy Walsh.
(31:06):
You can always hear us live onk five AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytimeon demand on the iHeartRadio app,
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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