October 30, 2023 • 35 mins
Are you "cloutlighting" in your relationship? It could be killing your love! Also Dr. Wendy is sharing her Wendy wisdom with her driveby makeshift relationship advice. If you're alone for the holidays, these dating apps are helping you find friends just in time! It's all on KFIAM-640!
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(00:00):
You're listening to KFI AM six fortyon demand. I am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
If you would like to come oninto the studio at least visually,
why don't you log onto my Instagrambecause we are live on Instagram right now.
The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. I'm going to talk for a
(00:20):
few minutes about this new trend calledclout lighting in relationships, and then I'm
going to be taking your relationship callsfor my drive by Makeshift Relationship Advices.
I like to call it the numbersone eight hundred and five, two zero,
one, five, three four willopen up the lines at the end
of the segment, But first Igot to talk about this. So you
know what gas lighting is, right, We've heard about it a lot where
(00:44):
there was a movie in the nineteenforties called Gaslight, and where a partner
tried to make a woman feel crazyand lied to her about what she was
experiencing and he gas lit her.Right, And so now there's a new
relationship trend. I don't know whothinks up these words and makes this stuff
become part of our lexicon. Butit is the word clout lighting, all
(01:08):
right, Now, what is cloutIf you're on social media, you may
know what clout is. It meanshaving clout, having a big following,
making sure that you are known aroundthe world. Right, I'm going to
explain a little bit about clout lightingby telling you a story. I met
a woman this week who told methat cloud lighting, she didn't know what
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was called, that caused her divorce. And it went like this, He
wanted to post everything on social mediaabout their relationship and it was driving her
crazy because she was expected to beperformative at times when she wanted to be
authentic. Now he would say toher, but I just love you and
you're so beautiful, and why shouldn'twe make a little video or why shouldn't
(01:51):
I put your picture up there?But she felt the relationship was just for
performance, that they weren't actually beingclose and in and authentic, right,
And they ended up divorcing over that. So here are some of the reasons
why, you know, clout lighting, or forcing your relationship to be on
social media when one partner is notso interested, can be dangerous. First
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of all, it erodes authenticity ina relationship. We know that one of
the most dangerous things for a relationshipis something we call social comparison. Social
comparison where you're on social media andyou're looking at all these other seemingly happy
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couples where everything is perfect right.I love the ones that show you that
things aren't so perfect right. Andso I do want to say this that
if you are putting your relationship onsocial media, I think it is incumbent.
It's like a public service that youshould make sure you show some negatives
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about your relationship. Not that youshould be fighting for real with an audience,
but just you know, if yourhouse is messy, don't try to
you know. And if you don'twearing makeup that date, like, just
don't write now. Another concerning problemwith clout lighting is the erosion of privacy.
Right You're gradually starting to lose moreand more of your privacy. Now,
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if you're following me on social media, if you're here on Instagram right
now, you know that I havea very large following. You also probably
know that I haven't been posting alot lately because I started to not like
the erosion of privacy. I startedto feel like I want to just be
able to keep some things to myselfas a secret. And so when you're
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in a relationship, relationships need togrow in privacy. Now, how do
you protect from that? You wantto set very clear boundaries with your partner
about you know what, these arethe things that I'm okay with sharing.
These are the things I'm not okaywith sharing. So it might be I'm
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okay to talk about, you know, our differences in child rearing or how
we divide up our domestic responsibilities,but I don't feel comfortable talking about our
sex life on social media. Right, that's clear obvious boundary. Or if
there's another mate poacher coming around who'sinto your DMS that I'm a little bit
(04:28):
upset about, we're not going toput that on social media. Right.
You're going to decide which things,and you have to decide as a couple.
The other thing is you have toregularly check in with your partner to
make sure all this is okay.Now, again, if you've been following
me, you know that I've beentalking about my boyfriend Julio for years and
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he's okay with it, and Ido check in with him every once in
a while. I don't put anypictures, or rarely pictures. I think
it did one video of us ona nice weekend in New York one time
and doing fun stuff, but generallyI don't unless you know he would want
that. But you know, it'sbetter that he's this mystery man. I
think I mentioned that social comparison isone of the biggest things that can damage
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your relationship, and what they createare unrealistic expectations. So the other part
of cloud lighting isn't just that you'reputting your own relationship out there on social
media, but you're watching everybody else'srelationships and it's okay. So I actually
used to follow this couple just becausethey were so darn gorgeous. You know,
it's the Instagram world, right.She was just look like a supermodel.
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Maybe she is a model. Helooked like a supermodel, he man
whatever. They had a little kidand everything, and then all of a
sudden he disappeared from her feed,just gone, and there was no discussion,
there was no what happened, right, And I still don't know what
happened, but it became her themodel on that whole thing. I think
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I stopp following because it was lessinteresting to me. It's interesting, So
anyway you don't want to compare,Here's what I want you to do with
your relationship. I want you tonurture a unique bond. I want you
to talk authentically. If you areon social media as a couple, and
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you don't have to be, Iwant you to talk authentically about why you
value your partner and while keeping boundariesintact. I think it's also important that
you show a real relationship, whetherthe real relationship is you with no makeup
in your hair and a nod onyour head, or whether it's just you
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know, we had a big argumenttoday and this is what we thought about.
But here's also how we resolved it. And here's how we talked it
through, so you can show therepair, right. I also think that
before you jump into putting your relationshipon social media, you need to make
sure that you have strong media literacy. So I come from traditional media,
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right. I was a local newsanchor, I was a television host.
I hosted so many different shows.I know how to be performative for the
camera because it was my career foryears. I also know how to protect
my privacy in certain ways. Butsomebody who just jumps into social media because
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it's fun and they're young, andthey don't understand they can get hurt because
the downside of social media. Yougot two big risks putting your couple life
on social media. The first issomebody's self esteem is going to be eroded
by the trolls who come on boardand attack every once in a while.
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And it might be as simple asyou know. One year, I posted
a picture of a wedding I attendedand they were just beautiful young couple and
I was talking about their love andisn't that wonderful? And I could not
believe how many people in the commentstalked about how one partner was better looking
than the other partner. And Ithought, they're reading these like this is
a young couple starting out on theirlife, and what a thing to read,
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right, So be prepared that thetrolls can erode your relationship because they
can boost the esteem of one andpull down the esteem of the other.
The other thing is, if you'regoing to put it out there, you're
gonna have may poachers show up,especially if you look like a good partner.
There's research to show that humans areattracted to other people's partners because it
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shows they're good partners. So you'regoing to have to deal with all the
people sliding into the DMS. Thatis just part of the game, and
you're going to have to talk aboutwhat the boundaries are around that. Okay,
when we come back, I amgoing to be taking your calls.
Reminder, I'm not a therapist.I'm a psychology professor. However, I've
written three books on relationships, andI've been obsessed with the science of love
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for many decades. The biological,the sociological, and the psychological pieces.
I read studies every single week oninterpersonal relationships. I am happy to weigh
in as an educator with the sciencethat I know. So if you want
to give me a call, dothe numbers one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. That's oneeight hundred five two zero one KFI.
(09:28):
You can change your name. Iknow these are really intimate things sometimes to
talk about. That's fine. Ourproducer Kayla has just gone over to the
phone. So if you want tocall the numbers one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four that's oneeight hundred five two zero one KFI.
You are listening to the doctor WendyWalls Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty
(09:54):
on demand KFI AM six forty.You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
So this is the Doctor Wendy WallShow, and I am taking your calls.
Just a reminder, I'm not atherapist. I'm a psychology professor,
but I'm obsessed with the science oflove. I've written three books on relationships
in did my dissertation on attachment theory. If you'd like to call in,
the number is one eight hundred fivetwo zero What KFI. That's one eight
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hundred five two zero one five threefour Okay, Producer Kayla, Who do
we have on the line? Patty? Hi, Patty, It's doctor Wendy.
Hi, Doctor Wendy. Good evening, How are you good? What's
your question? Love? Well,I've been dealing with this for about gosh,
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going on four years now. I'vebeen divorced from my ex husband that
I got married in my twenty youngand dumb. We all had a twenty
something marriage. That's how we learned. Okay, Yeah, I have a
little, beautiful young woman out ofthat relationship. She's no an adult and
my ex was very, very brilliant. Just my background as I came from
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an atheist home and so my relationshipswith my family was very toxic, and
so I went into religion, youknow, to find offense of you.
And my ex was a year littleolder than me and really emotionally and specially
his family did too. That mademe feel very inadequate, so I went.
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I've been going to therapy, lifecoaching to move forward, but it's
still what's really lingering for me isjust dealing with the guilt of not going
to church, having a different lifestyle. And I'm in this beautiful relationship with
this new guy that I've been withfor two years and it's been very beautiful
and new experiences, but there's stillthat guilt of like that I'm still dealing
(11:43):
with. And I just wanted toget your okay, you know, just
your exercis. Oh yeah, well, so I'm a recovering Catholic Patty,
So let's talk. Okay. Soyou've been married, you've been divorced for
four years, and although you wereraised by you could describe them atheist parents,
you married a highly religious guy.It didn't work out you were young,
you got an adult daughter. Nowgreat, all good, And now
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you're saying, even though you're ina great relationship with a guy for the
past two years, you feel guiltythat you're not going to church. And
let me tell you this is notwhat religion was made for. Now.
Religion was designed through you know,our evolutionary past as tribes, right,
trying to build bigger membership, andso they often made all kinds of rules
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around dating, mating, and relating, like don't have sex with anybody before
you're married, and don't have sexwith anybody outside of this religion, and
don't masturbate, that's wasting the seed, and don't have homosexual sex because that's
not going to produce members for us. Right, So they have all these
rules. And one of the waysthat almost all religions work hard to keep
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their members sticking to them is theyinstill a lot of guilt and shame.
I am here to tell you that, as a normal, natural human woman
who has whatever relationship you may havewith God, you do not have to
go to church. All right.Men made that up. Every religion was
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made by men, just to letyou know, not even women. They
made up those rules, Patty,because they wanted you to stick to it
so you would create more members forthem. So I'm telling you right now
that you should stay in therapy.I do suggest that you see a licensed
clinical therapist rather than a life coach, and you learn about where these feelings
of guilt might be coming from.But me, woman to woman, I'm
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going to tell you, if youhave a great guy right now, to
stick with him and love him.Don't worry about the other stuff. You're
a good person. You're a goodperson, Patty. Thank you for calling.
All right? Who do we havenext? Hello? Who do we
have next? Not on? Ias Cindy with the question. Cindy.
Hi, Cindy, It's doctor Wendy. Cindy. Are you there having me
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today? There? You are,Hi, Cindy. What's your question?
Love? My question is I'm seeingthis coworker kind of been making out.
He hasn't asked for my number,and we are scheduled to have an official
date next month. But it worksme that he doesn't ask and we just
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keep the communication just on the workchat. And our unique situation is that
we're remote workers, but we onlycome into the office once a week.
So that any type of intimacy,like in speaking, it happens just in
that time, one day of theweek, and he hasn't We haven't seen
(14:45):
each other after work? Okay?Have you offered your phone numbers a week
him? Okay? So I understandthe issue. It's like it feels like
he's putting one foot in before Iget to far. Cindy, I got
to ask you this. Do youhappen to know if your work has loved
contracts, meaning what is their policyon relationships in the workplace. I haven't
(15:07):
seen any less contracts okay, andit's a local government, Okay. I
would quietly do some investigation because youdon't want to lose your job over this.
There are plenty of fish in thesea, and he's not the last
man on the planet. Now,because you're both remote workers, you only
see each other once a week,there's probably less damage that could possibly be
(15:28):
Remember, relationships at work are nevera problem. It's breakups at work that
are a problem because you have toimagine that you're gonna have to work with
this guy afterwards. But it seemslike you're saying the biggest worry is that
you know you've made out at theoffice, but he hasn't asked for your
phone number. That sure sounds likea one sided thing that's not being reciprocated.
And now you're supposed to go outon this so called date. I
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think you need to put your footdown and have some boundaries and say something
like, excuse me. I don'tgo on a date with a man unless
he gives good phone So you callme a few times and then we'll talk.
Right, you need to get inthe driver's seat. Sperm chases egg
and not the reverse. So you'resitting there worried about why hasn't he asked
for my number? You need totell him what you want and if he
(16:08):
doesn't go for that, then moveon. Also, be very careful.
This is a workplace. You couldget fired depending on what the contract is.
Thanks for calling, Cindy. That'sa tough one, Okay, Producer,
Kayla, Who do we got?We had Eddie with the question Eddie,
Hi Eddie, it's doctor Wendy.Yeah, we the first time called,
but I called other shows on thestation before. But I am single.
(16:33):
I have a eight hundred plus creditscore. Nice, I paid my
car, my house here. Irelocated from Chicago so there was a CNBC
article saying, well, I thinkyou should be married and that's where you
escaped from being in debt. Imean wanted to get your take on that
marriage will keep you from being indebt? Is that what you're asking me?
Well, marriage keep you from beingIn the article, we're seeing that
(16:57):
couples are a little bit more financiallysecure than single people. Hell yeah,
well, let me explain. Youget double the income coming into one household.
I mean think of it that way, right, So one of the
most expensive things that you can dois undergo a divorce. However, so
you want to pick a good,solid made and take your time and choose.
(17:18):
But the reason why divorce is soexpensive is all of a sudden,
you're taking the same amount of incomeand now dividing it into maintaining two houses.
And you may be paying expensive divorceattorneys and child support and spousal support,
et cetera, et cetera. That'sexpensive. But as far as marrying,
marrying has all kinds of tax benefits. And if you've got a good
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credit rating and they've got a goodcredit rating, you're going to have access
to way more credit. And ifyou're able to support the two of you.
The other salary can go into savingsso you can build some financial wealth.
So yes, but that's not thereason to get married. But yeah,
that's right. The reason to getmarried is because you want to go
(18:00):
into a caregiving relationship with somebody.When I say caregiving, I mean you
want to do an exchange of care. You want to know that somebody has
your back. You want to trustsomebody, you want to make sure they
trust you, and you want tosupport each other in sickness and in health.
That is why you should get married. Okay, we're going to go
to break. When we come back, the phone number is one eight hundred
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five two zero one five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to KFI AM six fortyon demand KFI AM six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Waalsh with youand I am taking your calls. The
number is one eight hundred five twozero one five three four. Reminder,
(18:47):
this is my drive by Makeshift RelationshipAdvice. I'm a psychology professor, not
a therapist, but happy to weighin. Okay, Producer Kayla, who
we got we have Adrian with aquestion. Adrian, Hi, Adrian,
it's doctor Wendy. Hello. Hi, what's your question? Love? So
I recently found out my girlfriend cheateron me, and I don't know how
(19:07):
to like break the news to herlike that. I just don't want to
be in the relationship. No one, Well, okay, so there's two
things here. One is you wantto be able to tell her that you
know that she had an affair.And secondly, you're sure you don't want
the relationship anymore, so there's noroom for repair because sometimes affairs are a
messenger. But you're ready to breakup, right ready, I'm really like
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emotional, like it's been two years, super painful, super painful. So
you're going to have to tell herand not turn it into a fight.
You're just going to say, youknow, I learned that she's going to
deny it whatever. You have tobe completely sure, by the way,
you can't suspect that she did somethingunless you have great evidence, and just
(19:53):
say I'm not happy in this relationship, be honest, I'm feeling hurt.
This is a betrayal of me.Now I would suggest that you do it
in a public place where it's safe, you know, like out at a
coffee shop or something, or onthe telephone. Do not text this.
This deserves far more than a text. But after two years and just say,
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you know, I need some timeto be alone, but this relationship
I can't. I can't go onif we've lost all trust. That's all
you do. Just be really honest. I'm sorry you're going through this,
Adriana. It's heartbreaking. All right, Producer, Kayla, who do we
have next? We have Mary withthe question Mary, I'm marry. It's
doctor Wendy. Hi. I've beenmarried for thirty four years, but it's
(20:38):
been like a roller coaster. Allmarriages are roller coasters, Okay, Yeah.
Twenty fourteen he left the house andthen six months later he found for
divorce. Then he canceled. Thenwe work work it out, and then
two eighteen he fought for the waragain, and this time he took me
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off the check account O kept likenatyous and left me almost like seven thousand
dollars. Then we kept you know, I was making income with my house
and I live out of my incomethe house. So he keeps his check
like maybe like almost seven thousand dollarsa month and I make like five thousand
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a months. And he wants meto give twelve hundred dollars from my rental
income because we put on the property. And I said no, because it's
mine, because it's half and half. So we discussed that last September thirtieth,
and he got mad and he gothis luggage and left. Okay,
Mary, now giving your streaming,you're sitting back letting him do this.
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He's filing for divorce, he's askingfor money, he's doing this, he's
doing that. What is Mary doing? You know what Mary needs to do
right now? Pick up the phoneand get a good attorney. It's this.
Why do you want to be anywherenear this guy? All we're talking
about now is division of assets andyou protecting what is yours. You need
(22:03):
a good attorney who's going to protectyou. Okay, Mary, don't even
think that this is a relationship questionin a way to get him to behave
in a certain way or to getback together, it's over. You just
need to make sure that you getprotected financially. So find a good lawyer.
Oh yeah, yi painful. See, relationships can be so painful.
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Okay, producer Kayla, Who dowe have next? We have Diane with
a question. Diane, Hi,Diane, it's doctor Wendy. Hi,
doctor Wendy. Oh my gosh,thank you for taking my call. I'm
breathing in seven seconds, breathing outday called ooh good, my ninety five
year old mother. I'm sixty five, my best friend in life. My
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dad died thirty six years ago.I've always been care of her. She's
finally in a skilled nursing home.Breaks my heart. I saw her yesterday
and she said, Diane, I'msorry. I gave your younger sister sixty
control of my money. And Isaid that mama got you in this home,
(23:08):
which I don't know, all theseloops to get her in the home.
So she stayed with me, andshe wants me to take her to
the bank tomorrow, which I tookher to lunch yesterday, and find everything
over to me. But I think, oh my gosh, that's a lot
of responsibility. I don't know whatmy sister did, but she said,
(23:29):
I'm sure she didn't do the rightthing, and I want you to be
in control of my money. Andit's only social Security of seven hundred and
my dad's teachers retirement. Maybe pilotof fifteen hundred, but that's kind of
a lot of money. Yeah,if she got her there. So what
is your relationship like with your sister? Could this be a conversation you could
(23:49):
be having with your sister? Well, I wish, doctor Wie. But
in two thousand and one, whichis twenty two years ago, I had
a birthday party from my mom elegantother friends and my sister had one in
three year old and I said,well, children really can't be there.
So she was so angry. She'snever talked to me soon because my mom
(24:14):
attention never gets the attention. SoI flew people out. They came from
training planes. Was such an interestingfamily that you guys learned that a conflict
resolution skill is to completely stonewall andnot talk to somebody. I think this
is the time for healing and toreach out to your sister. And if
she doesn't respond, then you haveto ask yourself, do I want to
(24:37):
undertake this financial burden of managing thefinances for my mother? Maybe your sister
told the mom. You also haveto get more information from mom, like
what did your sister do that's sobad. Right, And there's a lot
more information you have to mine herefrom a bunch of people before you make
the decision. But you also haveevery right to make decision Diana, about
(25:00):
whether to handle the money or not. You don't have to if it's going
to be too much of a financialburden. I'm sorry you're going through this,
but I'm a big believer that healingcan happen anywhere in the life span.
So I would call up that sisterand tell her you love her,
thanks for calling. Okay, whodo we have next? We have Dell
with a question. Dale, Hi, Hi there. So my question is
(25:22):
basically about weeding out potential relationships.Oh my favorite question. Go ahead,
right, So I'm gay. Ihave multiple partners that I'm like pursuing,
but I'm not sure on how togo about it because there's some where I
feel, well, we have thatconversation about what are we like, Yeah,
(25:42):
you typically recommend, and then Ialso have the like, well,
maybe they're just not interested, ormaybe it should I continue to pursue.
So, like, some of themare older than me I'm or younger because
I'm thirty three, so it's likeright in the middle range. So you're
the hottage. So let me askyou this. In your multiple relationships,
(26:03):
everybody knows that you are open sexuallyand that you're seeing other people, right,
So there's no hidden betrayals happening,is there? Correct? And they
know I'm I get I said regularly, I'm yeah, okay, all good?
So whatever one question I have isif if if, like you're talking
about, like you're not sure ifthis one and maybe that one. First
(26:27):
of all, the human brain suffersfrom something called paradox of choice. The
more choice we have, the harderit is to make a choice. And
when we do make a choice,we value it less because we think about
the bigger, better deal that couldhave gotten away. So I want you
to create a hierarchy for yourself,and I would probably weed out any of
(26:47):
the ones that aren't don't seem tobe reciprocating, that aren't really impassioned for
you, because you know, youcould end up having a great, wonderful,
loving, committed relationlationship with one personwhere the two of you have chosen
to open your relationship and set whateverkind of rules you want for each other.
Like you know, it has tobe somebody we both approve of or
(27:08):
it has to be somebody that Idon't ever see, or whatever your rules
might be, that you guys feelcomfortable with. But it feels like right
now you're so indecisive because you justhave so much choice. So it'll actually
be easier for you if you limitthe amount of people. So I would
think in terms of just get ridof the ones that aren't totally jazzed for
(27:29):
you, that aren't just jumping forjoy whenever you call and show up,
those would be the first ones toget rid of. And the ones that
are saying, yeah, I'm happyto have a relationship with you. Maybe
you can grow into a deep emotionalcommitment. Thank you for Callingdell. That's
a very good question, because it'shard when we have too much choice.
It makes it that much harder.Okay, when we come back, oh
(27:51):
man, Thanksgivings coming up. That'salways not always a happy time for everybody,
whether you're single or going to seefamily that you're not happy about.
I've got some advice for you.You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on KFI AM six forty. We'relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're
listening to KFI AM six forty ondemand AFI AM six forty. You have
(28:12):
Dr Wendy Walsh with you. Thisis the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show. Kayla, did youpick that song because of Matthew Perry.
I'm obsessed. I'm sorry. Iknow she knows. The segment is about
friends Giving. It's a new thing, right, So people who have bad
families or families they can't get hometo, or they moved away, or
they're closer to their friends get togetherwith friends. Why they get together the
(28:33):
Wednesday before friends Giving and then theyget with their family on Thursday. So
what are you doing for Thanksgiving?I'm going home to my family you for
the first time in three years andthings. And you have three brothers,
three brothers and a sister and abunch of cousins. Now you go,
baby nephew, Dece's babies, hugefamily. Oh do you cook? What
are you cooking? I bring thewine, Oh appetite, that's good wine.
(28:56):
And the appetite is ma'am. Mydaughter called me bast time from Paris
today because she can't come home forThanksgiving, wanting to know how to make
our favorite family dish, side dish, which is turnips, parsnips, and
carrots, just all boiled together andjust roughly mashed with a ton of butter
and salt and pepper. Yum,yum, yum. It's like a three
(29:18):
color mash Winter Wendy's Winter Mash.Call it anyway. I was so touched
that my daughter actually asked me fora recipe. I felt so good.
We tend to she won't be back. We join my friend Maria usually at
her house. We've been doing thatfor many years and her whole family.
Thanksgiving, by the way, ismy favorite holiday. It is my favorite
(29:41):
holiday because it tends to be notreligious, so everybody can celebrate it.
And it's a two day holiday.See where I come from. In Canada,
Christmas is the big holiday because it'sthe two day holiday at Boxing Day.
You ever heard of that? Okay? And then many people take like
the whole week off. But heresome people, you know, especially if
(30:02):
you're work in retail. I workednews for years where I had to work
even Christmas Day and what have you. But Thanksgiving two day holiday. Wait,
what day of the week. It'sThursday Friday? Right, it doesn't
land on different days? No,No, it's always Thursday. I'm confusing
it from the Canadian Thanksgiving, whichis we just had it in October.
It has to do with the lengthof the harvest season, because you're always
(30:22):
celebrating the harvest and the food isthat's what you're giving thanks for. Anyway,
and it was nice to get callsfrom my brother on the Canadian Thanksgiving.
It's interesting because a holiday in Canadais the Monday, but people usually
do their Thanksgiving dinner on the Sundaybefore and then just take the day off.
They don't do the dinner on theMonday's recovery day, the recovery day
exactly. So. A recent studycommissioned by the dating app Bumble found that
(30:51):
over half of the people who respondedjust wanted to expand their social circles.
There are a lot of lonely peoplein America who don't necessarily or aren't ready
for a romantic relationship, but theythink, let me just start with friends,
and that's how you find someone,usually through a new friend network.
Right. And so, have youever heard of a butterball turkey Thanksgiving?
(31:15):
It's a brandy butter ball. Yeah, I think, yeah, butter ball.
It just sounds so funny. Isn'tthat like a line you call to
It's a Butterball turkey. Oh yeah, you can call Butterball and find out
how to cook your turkey, right, and they give online turkey cooking classes
now and real life cookie classes.So guess what Butterball got together with Bumball.
I love this how dating apps arejust sort of connecting people. And
(31:40):
what they've done is they have asection for platonic relationships where you can click
on friends Giving planning feature. Itstarts on November first, so the day
after Halloween, Bumble's gonna launch it. It's gonna be a big deal.
And you click on the friendship hardlike BFF, want to make a BFF
(32:01):
and you can match with other peoplelooking for Thanksgiving plans. Isn't that nice?
I love that. That's so sweetand of course usually women. So
guys, you should jump on becauseit'll be you'll eat a table with a
whole bunch of women, is whatwill happen. Don't ruin the don't ruin
the experience though, guys, don'tbe trying to hit be nice. Remember
(32:22):
the naked dinner lady from that fromlast week the week before it lives in
my mind. Rent free. Ikind of want to go. I couldn't.
I couldn't eat eat naked. Itis a hygiene thing. I don't
know. It's just a hygiene thing. I get it, and I spill
hot dishes on me. That wouldnot be fun. I will never forget
(32:42):
the time my kid was taking cookiesout of the oven and we had like
a waist height oven like in thewall, and she pulled the tray out
and burned her stomach. She wasin a pop top, stump top,
pop top, crop top. No, it's a pop top in my day
now it's a crop top, butit was a pop top. It was
a pop top, you guys.Or did it a crop top? That
doesn't make sense. It's a popup, crop up, it popped up.
(33:06):
I get it. Anyway. Ido want to say this before we
go. Not everybody had the healthiestor happiest family when they were growing up,
and maybe this Thanksgiving you are goingto be with that family. There's
always time for repair, there's alwaystime for healing, but it doesn't actually
have to happen this Thanksgiving if you'renot ready. So I want you to
(33:28):
know that it's okay to set boundarieswith your family. It's okay to say
no no on you boundaries, onyour time, how much time you'll devote
to them, how much money you'llspend, or the labor, what you'll
do. It's okay to say noto some of these things. And I'm
going to encourage you to really focuson the positive. It wasn't all bad.
I know a lot of it wasokay. I don't want to dismiss
(33:50):
any of the trauma that you mayhave had, but one of the things
that will help prime your brain fora better Thanksgiving meal is for you to
try to focus on some of thepositive and maybe some of the family traditions,
and maybe you're going to want topractice some self care before or after
the meal to get yourself ready forit. We understand that Thanksgiving dinner isn't
(34:13):
the happiest for everybody, but Iam a big believer that if you just
stay open and positive and loving andauthentic, that sometimes healing miracles can happen
in your life. So I hopeis my greatest wish that that happens for
you. Anyway, I am alwayshere for you every Sunday from seven to
(34:34):
nine pm. You can also followme on my social media The handle is
at Doctor Wendy Walsh and I loveyou all. That's what I say to
my students at the end of class. After I do a lecture, I
go I love you all. Gohome now. I love you all.
KFI listeners, we'll see you nextweek. You've been listening to The Doctor
Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM sixforty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app, KFI AM six forty ondemand
You're listening to KFI AM six fortyon demand. I am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
If you would like to come oninto the studio at least visually,
why don't you log onto my Instagrambecause we are live on Instagram right now.
The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. I'm going to talk for a
(00:20):
few minutes about this new trend calledclout lighting in relationships, and then I'm
going to be taking your relationship callsfor my drive by Makeshift Relationship Advices.
I like to call it the numbersone eight hundred and five, two zero,
one, five, three four willopen up the lines at the end
of the segment, But first Igot to talk about this. So you
know what gas lighting is, right, We've heard about it a lot where
(00:44):
there was a movie in the nineteenforties called Gaslight, and where a partner
tried to make a woman feel crazyand lied to her about what she was
experiencing and he gas lit her.Right, And so now there's a new
relationship trend. I don't know whothinks up these words and makes this stuff
become part of our lexicon. Butit is the word clout lighting, all
(01:08):
right, Now, what is cloutIf you're on social media, you may
know what clout is. It meanshaving clout, having a big following,
making sure that you are known aroundthe world. Right, I'm going to
explain a little bit about clout lightingby telling you a story. I met
a woman this week who told methat cloud lighting, she didn't know what
(01:29):
was called, that caused her divorce. And it went like this, He
wanted to post everything on social mediaabout their relationship and it was driving her
crazy because she was expected to beperformative at times when she wanted to be
authentic. Now he would say toher, but I just love you and
you're so beautiful, and why shouldn'twe make a little video or why shouldn't
(01:51):
I put your picture up there?But she felt the relationship was just for
performance, that they weren't actually beingclose and in and authentic, right,
And they ended up divorcing over that. So here are some of the reasons
why, you know, clout lighting, or forcing your relationship to be on
social media when one partner is notso interested, can be dangerous. First
(02:15):
of all, it erodes authenticity ina relationship. We know that one of
the most dangerous things for a relationshipis something we call social comparison. Social
comparison where you're on social media andyou're looking at all these other seemingly happy
(02:35):
couples where everything is perfect right.I love the ones that show you that
things aren't so perfect right. Andso I do want to say this that
if you are putting your relationship onsocial media, I think it is incumbent.
It's like a public service that youshould make sure you show some negatives
(02:57):
about your relationship. Not that youshould be fighting for real with an audience,
but just you know, if yourhouse is messy, don't try to
you know. And if you don'twearing makeup that date, like, just
don't write now. Another concerning problemwith clout lighting is the erosion of privacy.
Right You're gradually starting to lose moreand more of your privacy. Now,
(03:23):
if you're following me on social media, if you're here on Instagram right
now, you know that I havea very large following. You also probably
know that I haven't been posting alot lately because I started to not like
the erosion of privacy. I startedto feel like I want to just be
able to keep some things to myselfas a secret. And so when you're
(03:46):
in a relationship, relationships need togrow in privacy. Now, how do
you protect from that? You wantto set very clear boundaries with your partner
about you know what, these arethe things that I'm okay with sharing.
These are the things I'm not okaywith sharing. So it might be I'm
(04:06):
okay to talk about, you know, our differences in child rearing or how
we divide up our domestic responsibilities,but I don't feel comfortable talking about our
sex life on social media. Right, that's clear obvious boundary. Or if
there's another mate poacher coming around who'sinto your DMS that I'm a little bit
(04:28):
upset about, we're not going toput that on social media. Right.
You're going to decide which things,and you have to decide as a couple.
The other thing is you have toregularly check in with your partner to
make sure all this is okay.Now, again, if you've been following
me, you know that I've beentalking about my boyfriend Julio for years and
(04:49):
he's okay with it, and Ido check in with him every once in
a while. I don't put anypictures, or rarely pictures. I think
it did one video of us ona nice weekend in New York one time
and doing fun stuff, but generallyI don't unless you know he would want
that. But you know, it'sbetter that he's this mystery man. I
think I mentioned that social comparison isone of the biggest things that can damage
(05:15):
your relationship, and what they createare unrealistic expectations. So the other part
of cloud lighting isn't just that you'reputting your own relationship out there on social
media, but you're watching everybody else'srelationships and it's okay. So I actually
used to follow this couple just becausethey were so darn gorgeous. You know,
it's the Instagram world, right.She was just look like a supermodel.
(05:41):
Maybe she is a model. Helooked like a supermodel, he man
whatever. They had a little kidand everything, and then all of a
sudden he disappeared from her feed,just gone, and there was no discussion,
there was no what happened, right, And I still don't know what
happened, but it became her themodel on that whole thing. I think
(06:03):
I stopp following because it was lessinteresting to me. It's interesting, So
anyway you don't want to compare,Here's what I want you to do with
your relationship. I want you tonurture a unique bond. I want you
to talk authentically. If you areon social media as a couple, and
(06:24):
you don't have to be, Iwant you to talk authentically about why you
value your partner and while keeping boundariesintact. I think it's also important that
you show a real relationship, whetherthe real relationship is you with no makeup
in your hair and a nod onyour head, or whether it's just you
(06:45):
know, we had a big argumenttoday and this is what we thought about.
But here's also how we resolved it. And here's how we talked it
through, so you can show therepair, right. I also think that
before you jump into putting your relationshipon social media, you need to make
sure that you have strong media literacy. So I come from traditional media,
(07:11):
right. I was a local newsanchor, I was a television host.
I hosted so many different shows.I know how to be performative for the
camera because it was my career foryears. I also know how to protect
my privacy in certain ways. Butsomebody who just jumps into social media because
(07:33):
it's fun and they're young, andthey don't understand they can get hurt because
the downside of social media. Yougot two big risks putting your couple life
on social media. The first issomebody's self esteem is going to be eroded
by the trolls who come on boardand attack every once in a while.
(07:54):
And it might be as simple asyou know. One year, I posted
a picture of a wedding I attendedand they were just beautiful young couple and
I was talking about their love andisn't that wonderful? And I could not
believe how many people in the commentstalked about how one partner was better looking
than the other partner. And Ithought, they're reading these like this is
a young couple starting out on theirlife, and what a thing to read,
(08:18):
right, So be prepared that thetrolls can erode your relationship because they
can boost the esteem of one andpull down the esteem of the other.
The other thing is, if you'regoing to put it out there, you're
gonna have may poachers show up,especially if you look like a good partner.
There's research to show that humans areattracted to other people's partners because it
(08:41):
shows they're good partners. So you'regoing to have to deal with all the
people sliding into the DMS. Thatis just part of the game, and
you're going to have to talk aboutwhat the boundaries are around that. Okay,
when we come back, I amgoing to be taking your calls.
Reminder, I'm not a therapist.I'm a psychology professor. However, I've
written three books on relationships, andI've been obsessed with the science of love
(09:05):
for many decades. The biological,the sociological, and the psychological pieces.
I read studies every single week oninterpersonal relationships. I am happy to weigh
in as an educator with the sciencethat I know. So if you want
to give me a call, dothe numbers one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. That's oneeight hundred five two zero one KFI.
(09:28):
You can change your name. Iknow these are really intimate things sometimes to
talk about. That's fine. Ourproducer Kayla has just gone over to the
phone. So if you want tocall the numbers one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four that's oneeight hundred five two zero one KFI.
You are listening to the doctor WendyWalls Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty
(09:54):
on demand KFI AM six forty.You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
So this is the Doctor Wendy WallShow, and I am taking your calls.
Just a reminder, I'm not atherapist. I'm a psychology professor,
but I'm obsessed with the science oflove. I've written three books on relationships
in did my dissertation on attachment theory. If you'd like to call in,
the number is one eight hundred fivetwo zero What KFI. That's one eight
(10:18):
hundred five two zero one five threefour Okay, Producer Kayla, Who do
we have on the line? Patty? Hi, Patty, It's doctor Wendy.
Hi, Doctor Wendy. Good evening, How are you good? What's
your question? Love? Well,I've been dealing with this for about gosh,
(10:39):
going on four years now. I'vebeen divorced from my ex husband that
I got married in my twenty youngand dumb. We all had a twenty
something marriage. That's how we learned. Okay, Yeah, I have a
little, beautiful young woman out ofthat relationship. She's no an adult and
my ex was very, very brilliant. Just my background as I came from
(11:01):
an atheist home and so my relationshipswith my family was very toxic, and
so I went into religion, youknow, to find offense of you.
And my ex was a year littleolder than me and really emotionally and specially
his family did too. That mademe feel very inadequate, so I went.
(11:22):
I've been going to therapy, lifecoaching to move forward, but it's
still what's really lingering for me isjust dealing with the guilt of not going
to church, having a different lifestyle. And I'm in this beautiful relationship with
this new guy that I've been withfor two years and it's been very beautiful
and new experiences, but there's stillthat guilt of like that I'm still dealing
(11:43):
with. And I just wanted toget your okay, you know, just
your exercis. Oh yeah, well, so I'm a recovering Catholic Patty,
So let's talk. Okay. Soyou've been married, you've been divorced for
four years, and although you wereraised by you could describe them atheist parents,
you married a highly religious guy.It didn't work out you were young,
you got an adult daughter. Nowgreat, all good, And now
(12:05):
you're saying, even though you're ina great relationship with a guy for the
past two years, you feel guiltythat you're not going to church. And
let me tell you this is notwhat religion was made for. Now.
Religion was designed through you know,our evolutionary past as tribes, right,
trying to build bigger membership, andso they often made all kinds of rules
(12:26):
around dating, mating, and relating, like don't have sex with anybody before
you're married, and don't have sexwith anybody outside of this religion, and
don't masturbate, that's wasting the seed, and don't have homosexual sex because that's
not going to produce members for us. Right, So they have all these
rules. And one of the waysthat almost all religions work hard to keep
(12:48):
their members sticking to them is theyinstill a lot of guilt and shame.
I am here to tell you that, as a normal, natural human woman
who has whatever relationship you may havewith God, you do not have to
go to church. All right.Men made that up. Every religion was
(13:11):
made by men, just to letyou know, not even women. They
made up those rules, Patty,because they wanted you to stick to it
so you would create more members forthem. So I'm telling you right now
that you should stay in therapy.I do suggest that you see a licensed
clinical therapist rather than a life coach, and you learn about where these feelings
of guilt might be coming from.But me, woman to woman, I'm
(13:35):
going to tell you, if youhave a great guy right now, to
stick with him and love him.Don't worry about the other stuff. You're
a good person. You're a goodperson, Patty. Thank you for calling.
All right? Who do we havenext? Hello? Who do we
have next? Not on? Ias Cindy with the question. Cindy.
Hi, Cindy, It's doctor Wendy. Cindy. Are you there having me
(13:58):
today? There? You are,Hi, Cindy. What's your question?
Love? My question is I'm seeingthis coworker kind of been making out.
He hasn't asked for my number,and we are scheduled to have an official
date next month. But it worksme that he doesn't ask and we just
(14:24):
keep the communication just on the workchat. And our unique situation is that
we're remote workers, but we onlycome into the office once a week.
So that any type of intimacy,like in speaking, it happens just in
that time, one day of theweek, and he hasn't We haven't seen
(14:45):
each other after work? Okay?Have you offered your phone numbers a week
him? Okay? So I understandthe issue. It's like it feels like
he's putting one foot in before Iget to far. Cindy, I got
to ask you this. Do youhappen to know if your work has loved
contracts, meaning what is their policyon relationships in the workplace. I haven't
(15:07):
seen any less contracts okay, andit's a local government, Okay. I
would quietly do some investigation because youdon't want to lose your job over this.
There are plenty of fish in thesea, and he's not the last
man on the planet. Now,because you're both remote workers, you only
see each other once a week,there's probably less damage that could possibly be
(15:28):
Remember, relationships at work are nevera problem. It's breakups at work that
are a problem because you have toimagine that you're gonna have to work with
this guy afterwards. But it seemslike you're saying the biggest worry is that
you know you've made out at theoffice, but he hasn't asked for your
phone number. That sure sounds likea one sided thing that's not being reciprocated.
And now you're supposed to go outon this so called date. I
(15:48):
think you need to put your footdown and have some boundaries and say something
like, excuse me. I don'tgo on a date with a man unless
he gives good phone So you callme a few times and then we'll talk.
Right, you need to get inthe driver's seat. Sperm chases egg
and not the reverse. So you'resitting there worried about why hasn't he asked
for my number? You need totell him what you want and if he
(16:08):
doesn't go for that, then moveon. Also, be very careful.
This is a workplace. You couldget fired depending on what the contract is.
Thanks for calling, Cindy. That'sa tough one, Okay, Producer,
Kayla, Who do we got?We had Eddie with the question Eddie,
Hi Eddie, it's doctor Wendy.Yeah, we the first time called,
but I called other shows on thestation before. But I am single.
(16:33):
I have a eight hundred plus creditscore. Nice, I paid my
car, my house here. Irelocated from Chicago so there was a CNBC
article saying, well, I thinkyou should be married and that's where you
escaped from being in debt. Imean wanted to get your take on that
marriage will keep you from being indebt? Is that what you're asking me?
Well, marriage keep you from beingIn the article, we're seeing that
(16:57):
couples are a little bit more financiallysecure than single people. Hell yeah,
well, let me explain. Youget double the income coming into one household.
I mean think of it that way, right, So one of the
most expensive things that you can dois undergo a divorce. However, so
you want to pick a good,solid made and take your time and choose.
(17:18):
But the reason why divorce is soexpensive is all of a sudden,
you're taking the same amount of incomeand now dividing it into maintaining two houses.
And you may be paying expensive divorceattorneys and child support and spousal support,
et cetera, et cetera. That'sexpensive. But as far as marrying,
marrying has all kinds of tax benefits. And if you've got a good
(17:38):
credit rating and they've got a goodcredit rating, you're going to have access
to way more credit. And ifyou're able to support the two of you.
The other salary can go into savingsso you can build some financial wealth.
So yes, but that's not thereason to get married. But yeah,
that's right. The reason to getmarried is because you want to go
(18:00):
into a caregiving relationship with somebody.When I say caregiving, I mean you
want to do an exchange of care. You want to know that somebody has
your back. You want to trustsomebody, you want to make sure they
trust you, and you want tosupport each other in sickness and in health.
That is why you should get married. Okay, we're going to go
to break. When we come back, the phone number is one eight hundred
(18:22):
five two zero one five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to KFI AM six fortyon demand KFI AM six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Waalsh with youand I am taking your calls. The
number is one eight hundred five twozero one five three four. Reminder,
(18:47):
this is my drive by Makeshift RelationshipAdvice. I'm a psychology professor, not
a therapist, but happy to weighin. Okay, Producer Kayla, who
we got we have Adrian with aquestion. Adrian, Hi, Adrian,
it's doctor Wendy. Hello. Hi, what's your question? Love? So
I recently found out my girlfriend cheateron me, and I don't know how
(19:07):
to like break the news to herlike that. I just don't want to
be in the relationship. No one, Well, okay, so there's two
things here. One is you wantto be able to tell her that you
know that she had an affair.And secondly, you're sure you don't want
the relationship anymore, so there's noroom for repair because sometimes affairs are a
messenger. But you're ready to breakup, right ready, I'm really like
(19:33):
emotional, like it's been two years, super painful, super painful. So
you're going to have to tell herand not turn it into a fight.
You're just going to say, youknow, I learned that she's going to
deny it whatever. You have tobe completely sure, by the way,
you can't suspect that she did somethingunless you have great evidence, and just
(19:53):
say I'm not happy in this relationship, be honest, I'm feeling hurt.
This is a betrayal of me.Now I would suggest that you do it
in a public place where it's safe, you know, like out at a
coffee shop or something, or onthe telephone. Do not text this.
This deserves far more than a text. But after two years and just say,
(20:18):
you know, I need some timeto be alone, but this relationship
I can't. I can't go onif we've lost all trust. That's all
you do. Just be really honest. I'm sorry you're going through this,
Adriana. It's heartbreaking. All right, Producer, Kayla, who do we
have next? We have Mary withthe question Mary, I'm marry. It's
doctor Wendy. Hi. I've beenmarried for thirty four years, but it's
(20:38):
been like a roller coaster. Allmarriages are roller coasters, Okay, Yeah.
Twenty fourteen he left the house andthen six months later he found for
divorce. Then he canceled. Thenwe work work it out, and then
two eighteen he fought for the waragain, and this time he took me
(21:00):
off the check account O kept likenatyous and left me almost like seven thousand
dollars. Then we kept you know, I was making income with my house
and I live out of my incomethe house. So he keeps his check
like maybe like almost seven thousand dollarsa month and I make like five thousand
(21:21):
a months. And he wants meto give twelve hundred dollars from my rental
income because we put on the property. And I said no, because it's
mine, because it's half and half. So we discussed that last September thirtieth,
and he got mad and he gothis luggage and left. Okay,
Mary, now giving your streaming,you're sitting back letting him do this.
(21:42):
He's filing for divorce, he's askingfor money, he's doing this, he's
doing that. What is Mary doing? You know what Mary needs to do
right now? Pick up the phoneand get a good attorney. It's this.
Why do you want to be anywherenear this guy? All we're talking
about now is division of assets andyou protecting what is yours. You need
(22:03):
a good attorney who's going to protectyou. Okay, Mary, don't even
think that this is a relationship questionin a way to get him to behave
in a certain way or to getback together, it's over. You just
need to make sure that you getprotected financially. So find a good lawyer.
Oh yeah, yi painful. See, relationships can be so painful.
(22:26):
Okay, producer Kayla, Who dowe have next? We have Diane with
a question. Diane, Hi,Diane, it's doctor Wendy. Hi,
doctor Wendy. Oh my gosh,thank you for taking my call. I'm
breathing in seven seconds, breathing outday called ooh good, my ninety five
year old mother. I'm sixty five, my best friend in life. My
(22:48):
dad died thirty six years ago.I've always been care of her. She's
finally in a skilled nursing home.Breaks my heart. I saw her yesterday
and she said, Diane, I'msorry. I gave your younger sister sixty
control of my money. And Isaid that mama got you in this home,
(23:08):
which I don't know, all theseloops to get her in the home.
So she stayed with me, andshe wants me to take her to
the bank tomorrow, which I tookher to lunch yesterday, and find everything
over to me. But I think, oh my gosh, that's a lot
of responsibility. I don't know whatmy sister did, but she said,
(23:29):
I'm sure she didn't do the rightthing, and I want you to be
in control of my money. Andit's only social Security of seven hundred and
my dad's teachers retirement. Maybe pilotof fifteen hundred, but that's kind of
a lot of money. Yeah,if she got her there. So what
is your relationship like with your sister? Could this be a conversation you could
(23:49):
be having with your sister? Well, I wish, doctor Wie. But
in two thousand and one, whichis twenty two years ago, I had
a birthday party from my mom elegantother friends and my sister had one in
three year old and I said,well, children really can't be there.
So she was so angry. She'snever talked to me soon because my mom
(24:14):
attention never gets the attention. SoI flew people out. They came from
training planes. Was such an interestingfamily that you guys learned that a conflict
resolution skill is to completely stonewall andnot talk to somebody. I think this
is the time for healing and toreach out to your sister. And if
she doesn't respond, then you haveto ask yourself, do I want to
(24:37):
undertake this financial burden of managing thefinances for my mother? Maybe your sister
told the mom. You also haveto get more information from mom, like
what did your sister do that's sobad. Right, And there's a lot
more information you have to mine herefrom a bunch of people before you make
the decision. But you also haveevery right to make decision Diana, about
(25:00):
whether to handle the money or not. You don't have to if it's going
to be too much of a financialburden. I'm sorry you're going through this,
but I'm a big believer that healingcan happen anywhere in the life span.
So I would call up that sisterand tell her you love her,
thanks for calling. Okay, whodo we have next? We have Dell
with a question. Dale, Hi, Hi there. So my question is
(25:22):
basically about weeding out potential relationships.Oh my favorite question. Go ahead,
right, So I'm gay. Ihave multiple partners that I'm like pursuing,
but I'm not sure on how togo about it because there's some where I
feel, well, we have thatconversation about what are we like, Yeah,
(25:42):
you typically recommend, and then Ialso have the like, well,
maybe they're just not interested, ormaybe it should I continue to pursue.
So, like, some of themare older than me I'm or younger because
I'm thirty three, so it's likeright in the middle range. So you're
the hottage. So let me askyou this. In your multiple relationships,
(26:03):
everybody knows that you are open sexuallyand that you're seeing other people, right,
So there's no hidden betrayals happening,is there? Correct? And they
know I'm I get I said regularly, I'm yeah, okay, all good?
So whatever one question I have isif if if, like you're talking
about, like you're not sure ifthis one and maybe that one. First
(26:27):
of all, the human brain suffersfrom something called paradox of choice. The
more choice we have, the harderit is to make a choice. And
when we do make a choice,we value it less because we think about
the bigger, better deal that couldhave gotten away. So I want you
to create a hierarchy for yourself,and I would probably weed out any of
(26:47):
the ones that aren't don't seem tobe reciprocating, that aren't really impassioned for
you, because you know, youcould end up having a great, wonderful,
loving, committed relationlationship with one personwhere the two of you have chosen
to open your relationship and set whateverkind of rules you want for each other.
Like you know, it has tobe somebody we both approve of or
(27:08):
it has to be somebody that Idon't ever see, or whatever your rules
might be, that you guys feelcomfortable with. But it feels like right
now you're so indecisive because you justhave so much choice. So it'll actually
be easier for you if you limitthe amount of people. So I would
think in terms of just get ridof the ones that aren't totally jazzed for
(27:29):
you, that aren't just jumping forjoy whenever you call and show up,
those would be the first ones toget rid of. And the ones that
are saying, yeah, I'm happyto have a relationship with you. Maybe
you can grow into a deep emotionalcommitment. Thank you for Callingdell. That's
a very good question, because it'shard when we have too much choice.
It makes it that much harder.Okay, when we come back, oh
(27:51):
man, Thanksgivings coming up. That'salways not always a happy time for everybody,
whether you're single or going to seefamily that you're not happy about.
I've got some advice for you.You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on KFI AM six forty. We'relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're
listening to KFI AM six forty ondemand AFI AM six forty. You have
(28:12):
Dr Wendy Walsh with you. Thisis the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show. Kayla, did youpick that song because of Matthew Perry.
I'm obsessed. I'm sorry. Iknow she knows. The segment is about
friends Giving. It's a new thing, right, So people who have bad
families or families they can't get hometo, or they moved away, or
they're closer to their friends get togetherwith friends. Why they get together the
(28:33):
Wednesday before friends Giving and then theyget with their family on Thursday. So
what are you doing for Thanksgiving?I'm going home to my family you for
the first time in three years andthings. And you have three brothers,
three brothers and a sister and abunch of cousins. Now you go,
baby nephew, Dece's babies, hugefamily. Oh do you cook? What
are you cooking? I bring thewine, Oh appetite, that's good wine.
(28:56):
And the appetite is ma'am. Mydaughter called me bast time from Paris
today because she can't come home forThanksgiving, wanting to know how to make
our favorite family dish, side dish, which is turnips, parsnips, and
carrots, just all boiled together andjust roughly mashed with a ton of butter
and salt and pepper. Yum,yum, yum. It's like a three
(29:18):
color mash Winter Wendy's Winter Mash.Call it anyway. I was so touched
that my daughter actually asked me fora recipe. I felt so good.
We tend to she won't be back. We join my friend Maria usually at
her house. We've been doing thatfor many years and her whole family.
Thanksgiving, by the way, ismy favorite holiday. It is my favorite
(29:41):
holiday because it tends to be notreligious, so everybody can celebrate it.
And it's a two day holiday.See where I come from. In Canada,
Christmas is the big holiday because it'sthe two day holiday at Boxing Day.
You ever heard of that? Okay? And then many people take like
the whole week off. But heresome people, you know, especially if
(30:02):
you're work in retail. I workednews for years where I had to work
even Christmas Day and what have you. But Thanksgiving two day holiday. Wait,
what day of the week. It'sThursday Friday? Right, it doesn't
land on different days? No,No, it's always Thursday. I'm confusing
it from the Canadian Thanksgiving, whichis we just had it in October.
It has to do with the lengthof the harvest season, because you're always
(30:22):
celebrating the harvest and the food isthat's what you're giving thanks for. Anyway,
and it was nice to get callsfrom my brother on the Canadian Thanksgiving.
It's interesting because a holiday in Canadais the Monday, but people usually
do their Thanksgiving dinner on the Sundaybefore and then just take the day off.
They don't do the dinner on theMonday's recovery day, the recovery day
exactly. So. A recent studycommissioned by the dating app Bumble found that
(30:51):
over half of the people who respondedjust wanted to expand their social circles.
There are a lot of lonely peoplein America who don't necessarily or aren't ready
for a romantic relationship, but theythink, let me just start with friends,
and that's how you find someone,usually through a new friend network.
Right. And so, have youever heard of a butterball turkey Thanksgiving?
(31:15):
It's a brandy butter ball. Yeah, I think, yeah, butter ball.
It just sounds so funny. Isn'tthat like a line you call to
It's a Butterball turkey. Oh yeah, you can call Butterball and find out
how to cook your turkey, right, and they give online turkey cooking classes
now and real life cookie classes.So guess what Butterball got together with Bumball.
I love this how dating apps arejust sort of connecting people. And
(31:40):
what they've done is they have asection for platonic relationships where you can click
on friends Giving planning feature. Itstarts on November first, so the day
after Halloween, Bumble's gonna launch it. It's gonna be a big deal.
And you click on the friendship hardlike BFF, want to make a BFF
(32:01):
and you can match with other peoplelooking for Thanksgiving plans. Isn't that nice?
I love that. That's so sweetand of course usually women. So
guys, you should jump on becauseit'll be you'll eat a table with a
whole bunch of women, is whatwill happen. Don't ruin the don't ruin
the experience though, guys, don'tbe trying to hit be nice. Remember
(32:22):
the naked dinner lady from that fromlast week the week before it lives in
my mind. Rent free. Ikind of want to go. I couldn't.
I couldn't eat eat naked. Itis a hygiene thing. I don't
know. It's just a hygiene thing. I get it, and I spill
hot dishes on me. That wouldnot be fun. I will never forget
(32:42):
the time my kid was taking cookiesout of the oven and we had like
a waist height oven like in thewall, and she pulled the tray out
and burned her stomach. She wasin a pop top, stump top,
pop top, crop top. No, it's a pop top in my day
now it's a crop top, butit was a pop top. It was
a pop top, you guys.Or did it a crop top? That
doesn't make sense. It's a popup, crop up, it popped up.
(33:06):
I get it. Anyway. Ido want to say this before we
go. Not everybody had the healthiestor happiest family when they were growing up,
and maybe this Thanksgiving you are goingto be with that family. There's
always time for repair, there's alwaystime for healing, but it doesn't actually
have to happen this Thanksgiving if you'renot ready. So I want you to
(33:28):
know that it's okay to set boundarieswith your family. It's okay to say
no no on you boundaries, onyour time, how much time you'll devote
to them, how much money you'llspend, or the labor, what you'll
do. It's okay to say noto some of these things. And I'm
going to encourage you to really focuson the positive. It wasn't all bad.
I know a lot of it wasokay. I don't want to dismiss
(33:50):
any of the trauma that you mayhave had, but one of the things
that will help prime your brain fora better Thanksgiving meal is for you to
try to focus on some of thepositive and maybe some of the family traditions,
and maybe you're going to want topractice some self care before or after
the meal to get yourself ready forit. We understand that Thanksgiving dinner isn't
(34:13):
the happiest for everybody, but Iam a big believer that if you just
stay open and positive and loving andauthentic, that sometimes healing miracles can happen
in your life. So I hopeis my greatest wish that that happens for
you. Anyway, I am alwayshere for you every Sunday from seven to
(34:34):
nine pm. You can also followme on my social media The handle is
at Doctor Wendy Walsh and I loveyou all. That's what I say to
my students at the end of class. After I do a lecture, I
go I love you all. Gohome now. I love you all.
KFI listeners, we'll see you nextweek. You've been listening to The Doctor
Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM sixforty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app, KFI AM six forty ondemand
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