Dr. Wendy asks is vanilla sex ruining your relationship? We have some answers. PLUS how to NOT play it cool on dating apps and how to keep your marriage divorce proof with these 4 things. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I Am six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
I'm Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Well,
I'm a psychology professor, but I often get asked questions
about sexuality. I generally only talk about sex when it's
connected to the relationship as a whole. In other words,
I'm not the person that you call if you've got
(00:32):
a plumbing question. I'm not going to be doctor Ruth
and tell you what kind of toys you can buy.
I'm not a sexologist. I'm a psychology professor. However, our
psychology also impacts our sexual relationship. So this question came
to me from a listener, and I thought, rather than
(00:52):
just quickly answering it, and especially because I'm not a sexologist,
I shouldn't be answering, I'm gonna go to the internet.
I'm gonna do as much research as I can tell
you what the sexologists would.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Say you could do.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
So basically, this person says that she adores her new boyfriend,
that he's super thoughtful, he's generous. He even packs her
lunch every morning. She's not used to all this kindness.
She thinks it's great, but she finds the sex to
be very vanilla. Now, if you don't know what that is,
it means straightforward, mainly missionary style, not kinky at all,
(01:29):
not degrading. I don't know. Some people like a little
bit of degrading. Hey, we all need a little slap
and tickle, don't we.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Anyway, So she says that she's.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Sexually frustrated and unsatisfied, but she's terrified about losing him.
She's asked him to try some different things. He says,
is not into it. So let's see what the sexologists,
the sex therapists out.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
There in the world say.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
You know what's interesting. I found a quote from psychotherapyrapist
pamelist Evenson Connolly, who actually was my human sexuality professor
back when I was in school.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
I was like, oh, and she had a pretty good answer.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
She looked at the psychodynamics of the fact that now
she's got this caregiving guy, and so her attitude would
be Sometimes when a partner feels overly nurturing, like a parent,
almost it can squash erotic energy, and her advice is
stop letting him be so caretaking in your life and
(02:31):
tell him that you can make your own lunch.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Okay, that's something.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Okay, then, sex therapist doctor Ian Kerner, I was actually
been on a couple TV shows with him.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
I love him. He's really really great.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
He says that we should ask questions like what's something
new that we've never tried, instead of saying like you're boring,
I'm frustrated. Right, you want to start with that layer
of love and then always an invitation and a question.
Sex educator Janelle Bryan recommends that couples write lists. Oh,
(03:08):
I've heard this couple does. The couples do this. They
write lists of things they'd like to try, and they
put it in a fish bowl, huh, on a little
piece of paper, and then every once in a while
they reach in and pull out. It could be something
that one partner put in or another partner, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
It's all mixed up.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
It's a lottery. And then they try that thing. And
I do want to say this that going from vanilla
to whatever it was you did before or like to
do should be something done in baby steps, right, so
it doesn't have to be handcuffs, role play in a
French maid's costume, swinging from the chandeliers. It could be
(03:45):
something like lighting up your senses more. You know, sex
is a sentual experience, and so you know, lighting candles
if you're not used to doing it, having sex in
a different room, just to change the whole schema. Buying
different lingerie is something as simple as scented massage oil
(04:08):
or silk sheets or ice cubes. It's amazing what you
can do with a couple of ice cubes, just saying
what we're trying to do to awaken our body. So
do you remember when you had your first date with somebody,
or maybe second or third date, somebody who you were
really attracted to. If you touched baby fingers, your whole
body would light up, right, And this is what people
(04:29):
strive in long term monogamy to have those same feelings.
It will never be the same as that.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Just to let you know.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
But one of the things that sex therapists will recommend
is something called sensate focus exercises where you kind of
start saying, okay, no touching of genitals, only touching other
parts of the body, for instance, and you have a
certain goal every night, like it's only hand touching tonight,
or it's only back massages tonight, and they will recommend
(04:56):
a whole repertoire of this that could go on for
six weeks. And you know, there's something about that word no,
when the sex therapist says no sex, no sex. It's
amazing how it just eventually shows up. Just remember this
that sexual compatibility is something that evolves over time, and
(05:16):
it is a combination of not only you know, physical
ability or physical compatibility, but more than anything, good communication
and a robust fantasy life. I often say that orgasms
take place in our head, and I don't mean our imaginations.
I mean with the stories we tell ourselves, with the
(05:38):
way that we set ourselves up. If you, as the
listener who wrote talks about going into bed feeling frustrated
from the beginning, then that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
So, good sex isn't just physical, it's emotional, it's psychological,
and I would say, most importantly, it's very communicative. If
all else fails, go see a licensed sex therapist, right,
somebody who has a license who specializes in this. No,
they're not a sex surrogate. They're not gonna have sex
with you, but they can talk about the plumbing stuff
(06:12):
as well as the fantasy stuff, as well as the
early childhood trauma that might be impacting your sex life,
et cetera. And so you could do that. Remember, sex
between two people is like learning a new dance together,
and it can evolve over time. All right, when we
come back, If you're single and you're on dating apps
(06:33):
or you're dming people and Instagram, did you know the
latest trend online is to not play it cool. Let's
talk about how you can be vulnerable in your with
your matches and your messaging online. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty were
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. If
you're single, I want you to listen up. Here's why
I want you to listen up. I posted something recently
on my Instagram. I think the video that's up there
now about how there's research a show that men, and
again not every man, but a big chunk of men,
(07:22):
have a little less empathy than most women. It's just, hey,
it just is what it is, all right. All that
testosterone means that they're not, you know, feeling a lot
of compassion all the time. Doesn't mean they can't feel
love and doesn't mean that they don't have compassion. It's
just not as much as women, and not all the time. So,
as you can imagine, I got a lot of pushback
because you know, whenever you say anything about sex brain differences,
(07:45):
they think somehow you're being sexist. Right, But one of
the things I noticed in the comment stream was a
lot of guys saying, I just know women that don't
have any empathy, and I don't have women that care
about my feelings, and I don't know women that you know,
have compassion for me. And I realized that ladies, too,
(08:06):
many of you single ladies out there, are playing at cool,
you know, like, hey, no big deal, I'm not that attached,
I'm not gonna no, don't worry about me.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
I'm cool, right.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
And this is a problem because I've always said that
women tend to hold the emotional keys to the locker
in relationships. And if women don't model, you know, emotions
and feelings and compassion and empathy, then how are guys
gonna learn it? Right? So, there's this new trend on
dating apps that I've been reading about that I'm very
(08:37):
excited about. Don't be squeamish. I'm gonna tell you right now,
it's okay. It's okay to not play it cool on
a dating app. And if you're one of those people
that maybe has been scrolling around and when you see
somebody who's text to you, you match, and then you
get this text and they seem like, well, okay, let
(08:58):
me tell you. Julio's first me was my name written
in capital letters, Wendy with four exclamation marks.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Where have you been?
Speaker 1 (09:05):
I rematched with you twice and I haven't been able
to talk to you, and oh my god, there you are.
And I was like, this guy's got some energy. This
guy's get some energy. But there are plenty of other
women out there who muld have been like you. That's
a little too much, too soon, that's a little too
much enthusiasm. Why'd they say that so fast?
Speaker 3 (09:23):
Right?
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Well, there is a new dating trend, and of course
because the Internet loves to give names to things. They
call it for people who are yearners, yearners, I call
them longers. People who really want to have a long
term relationship. I guess they're called yearners now.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
They are actually.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Now being very clear that they want connection, and they're
letting people know on the dating apps. They're not worried
about being cool, they're worried about saying what they want.
So here's a few rules for or points about lessons
from the yearner revolution. Number one, it's absolutely okay to
(10:09):
say that you care. Literally you guys. Holding back emotions
might have been high status before, but today people on
dating apps openly express their interest quickly and earnestly. In fact,
a recent study by the dating app Hinge says that
forty four percent of daters find enthusiastic follow ups more
(10:31):
attractive than ghosting silence. Of course, So my advice to
you is, if you do get a text from somebody
on an app, text them back within a few hours.
Say something genuine, like I really liked our conversation today.
Don't like sit and create fake anxiety and make them
wait and wait and wait days for you trying to
be cool.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Just say it.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
You know, because the person if they run away because
of that, their loss, because the person who will love
that will be right there for you. I will say this,
vulnerability beats irony. So jen z is really afraid of
looking cringe, right, so they tend to use sarcasm and
(11:15):
irony instead of sincerity. But avoiding vulnerability leads to fewer
meaningful matches on the apps, right, So don't be afraid
to instead of just putting that little wink face emogi
or a little loll say something real, like I'm really
(11:36):
kind of nervous about dating apps, but here I am
ready to give it a try. You know, being real
and being authentic is much more rare than being perfect
because everyone's trying to be perfect online. I remember one
guy I matched with on a dating app years ago
when I was single. He googled me and saw what
(11:57):
I did. I don't even think I was on KFI
at the time, but I was, you know, writing books
about relationships, and he said to me, I just want
to check before we meet for lunch. You're not doing
research for anything, are you, Because really we're just a
bunch of human beings here hanging our hearts out and
be careful with mine. Wasn't that lovely? I couldn't wait
(12:18):
to meet them for lunch?
Speaker 2 (12:19):
I thought that was really cool.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
All right, here's something else you should do. Notice the
small things that's yearning. Pay attention to micro details, how
they like their coffee, how they take their avocado toast.
That means, if you haven't met him yet, comment on
their profile, say something like, hey, I noticed you love
you know one of our adult triple lattes too, So
do I. It shows you're paying attention and not just
(12:43):
swiping on the apps, like, really dig into finding little
details in their pictures or what they wrote in their
profile and comment on it. And I would also suggest
that you want to beat your avoidant pattern. Right, you're
if somebody who you're burned out by chasing around people
who can't love you back. If you act vulnerable and
(13:09):
they leave because they can't tolerate that intimacy, do the
touchdown cheer, Okay, don't try to chase them and get
them to like you, right. If they match your tone,
respond more. If they get distant, you get distant. And
please remember you aren't being needy, you're being clear. A
(13:33):
lot of our dating culture here in America has taught
us that texting too much makes you look desperate, but now.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
There are researchers.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Of course, there's research behind this from Cambridge University that
says that for many men, romantic relationships remain deeply important
and longing is real. So after you've had a great date,
follow up. Just send a text said, hey, had an
amazed We'd love to see you soon. I will say this,
(14:03):
you don't follow up two minutes after the date, okay,
get home, go to bed the next morning, something, because
that does look too like they can't even contain themselves.
But I will say this follow through.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Oh why the way?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
I just want to add one more thing. If you
do get ghosted, don't just leave it hanging out there.
Be classy and have some self confidence. Just send a
text that said, hey, I noticed our conversation stopped.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
I enjoyed talking.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Wish you well. You see, you're just communicating that you
have grace and that you prioritize authenticity and mutuality. So
forget if you don't like endless wipes, if you don't
like all the silence, if you're trying to figure out
what that emoji means, just say it. Hey, when we
come back. If you're married or living with your partner,
(14:49):
I've got four things you can do every single morning
to make your relationship break up proof.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
You're listening to.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I Am six forty
Belive Everywhere on the Ihea Heart Radio App.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Ball Show on KFI
AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. So
I was reading this article this morning. I think it
was in psychology today. No, there was one. Well, I
read a couple.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
I read a few things today.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
I was a busy barbie. This was on CNBC's website
and it was something about like four things that healthy
couples do every day, and so I read it, but
I was thinking about this story. So this friend of
mine years ago had never witnessed a healthy relationship or
(15:45):
any relationship because sadly, her mom passed away early and
so her dad was a lonely single dad.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Nice guy.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
I mean he did marry later, but with a very avoidant,
distant woman. So anyway, she didn't have a model for
a healthy relationship. So when she got married a whole
bunch of years ago, her husband was whining and complaining
about not getting enough and his needs met blah blah blah,
and she asked me about healthy relationship. This was long
before I'd even studied psychology, but I was apparently giving
advice to everybody, unsolicited advice anyway. And I said to her,
(16:18):
you know, when they had traditional gender roles, they were
quite wealthy, and her job was to make sure dinner
was on the table at a certain time. Hey, it
might not be for you, it's okay, but it worked
for them. And I said to her, when he comes
into that house every night at the end of his
busy day where he's dealt with a bunch of junk
all day, just go to the door and greet him
(16:42):
and give him a hug or kiss hello. She's like, really,
I go, yeah, seek him out so that you two
are reattaching. And I remember her calling me a few
weeks later and she's like, so weird, that actually changed
so much in our relationship in such a good mood.
And it's just the simplest thing. Now for me, that's
(17:04):
the most natural thing. This is what I witnessed in
my house growing up. When my dad would come in
the door from work. My mom, no matter where she
was in the house, no matter what she was doing,
she'd go and greet him like, Hi, honey, you're home.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Give him a little hug and kiss. Guess what I
did today?
Speaker 1 (17:19):
And dinner's gonna be ready soon, and you know, go relax, whatever,
little chit chat, little reconnection. At the end of the day,
you know, there are many couples out there that you
look at and you're like, they just seem unshakeable, like
nothing is gonna hurt them. Well, this article that I
read on CNBC, and I added a few more because
I started researching more on this. I came up with
(17:41):
four things to do every morning if you want to
divorce proof your marriage. Okay, let's break it down. First
of all, the simplest thing, say good morning.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
You know it's funny.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
I had my babies sleep in bed with me. We
didn't have a crib.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
We're poor.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
I just practice attachment parenting. Okay, hey, we'll be okay
if we were pored too. But anyway, I didn't buy
cribs for my kids, and so when those little eyes
would open in the morning, or if my eyes open,
I see that little face and I always say.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Good morning baby.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
How are you You know?
Speaker 2 (18:15):
That's what you do?
Speaker 1 (18:16):
You see a little baby, their little eyes are open.
It's first thing in the morning. Why aren't you doing
a version of that with your spouse or your living partner?
Juliu and I do that every morning. Whoever opens their
eyes second, the one who's been there looking goes good morning. Hi,
good morning. We start the day with a simple good morning.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Another thing healthy couples do, according to research, is we
touch each other. There's physical touch in the morning. Sometimes
it's a full on snuggle if we don't have to
rush out of bed. Sometimes it's just a hug, a
hand squeeze, a little peck on the cheek. Honey, I'm
going to pilates, a little kiss and go whatever. But
there is touch that happens every morning. There's the hello
(18:57):
greeting and there's touch. See if you got two of those,
there's two out of four. And there's research to support this.
By the way, studies show that non sexual physical affection
increases oxytocin levels, reduces stress, and strengthens emotional bonds. And
going back to the little good morning thing. You know.
I always quote John Gotman of the Gotman Institute, and
(19:17):
he calls these things bids for connection. Research shows that
couples who respond positively to these bids for connection, like
my friend going to greet her husband at the end
of his day, that's a bid for connection, all right.
Another thing that couples, healthy couples do every morning is
(19:38):
they say something positive to each other in the morning.
They set the day off well. Sometimes I will just
say to Julio, you look like you had a really
good sleep. The bags are gone out of your eyes,
your eyes aren't so red anyone. I don't highlight the negative.
I just say, hey, you look like you had a
good sleep, honey, Or you look like you have lot
(20:00):
of energy. What you got on the agenda today, and
just say something positive. I talk about gratitude all the
time and expressing gratitude to your lover, but it's very important.
One particular study from the Journal of Positive Psychology, there
you go found the couples who regularly express appreciation feel
more satisfied and committed. And the other thing is they
(20:26):
spend just a few minutes together doing something. They don't
just jump out of bed and rush out the door.
I know what you're thinking, but.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
We have places to go.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
We got to get the kids to school, they've got
to get to work.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
We got stuff doing, I know.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
So you set the alarm a little bit earlier just
to have these few minutes. Sometimes it's even just touching
toes in bed for a few minutes while you're looking
at your phones, checking your schedule for the day, checking
the news of the day, checking the weather. Right, But
if you make a few sometimes it's making a coffee together,
or one of you making coffee this morning, because you know,
(20:58):
I'm dealing with that jet.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Like I got up.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
I woke up earlier, not on purpose, but it happened.
And I was actually waiting for the Starbucks in my
neighborhood to open because I was out of coffee. Bean's
whole long story. So I walked and I got us
to lattes, and I got us to Little Breakfast sandwiches,
and I walked back.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
By the time I walked back, he was up.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
So we had this little ritual of having our little
Starbucks breakfast because the fridge was empty, because you know,
we've been gone. That's why, So say good morning to
your partner, offer a little touch, give him a compliment,
and spend a few minutes together and you might be
amazed at what this can do for your relationship. And
on that note, that brings the Doctor Wendy Wall Show
(21:42):
to a close, It's always my pleasure to be with
you every Sunday on KFI. If you'd like to get
more of me at in video form, just you know,
follow me on social media. I've been trying to build
my Instagram lately because who knows what's going to happen
with TikTok. Although now that the president so many followers
on TikTok, I'm sure he's not going to get rid
(22:02):
of it. He keeps saying, oh, a sale is imminent.
Who knows. But anyway, follow me on Instagram at Dr
Wendy Walsh. That's at Doctor Wendy Walsh. But I'm always
here for you, Always here for you, every Sunday on KFI.
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
KFI Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
(22:25):
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I Am six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
I'm Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Well,
I'm a psychology professor, but I often get asked questions
about sexuality. I generally only talk about sex when it's
connected to the relationship as a whole. In other words,
I'm not the person that you call if you've got
(00:32):
a plumbing question. I'm not going to be doctor Ruth
and tell you what kind of toys you can buy.
I'm not a sexologist. I'm a psychology professor. However, our
psychology also impacts our sexual relationship. So this question came
to me from a listener, and I thought, rather than
(00:52):
just quickly answering it, and especially because I'm not a sexologist,
I shouldn't be answering, I'm gonna go to the internet.
I'm gonna do as much research as I can tell
you what the sexologists would.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Say you could do.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
So basically, this person says that she adores her new boyfriend,
that he's super thoughtful, he's generous. He even packs her
lunch every morning. She's not used to all this kindness.
She thinks it's great, but she finds the sex to
be very vanilla. Now, if you don't know what that is,
it means straightforward, mainly missionary style, not kinky at all,
(01:29):
not degrading. I don't know. Some people like a little
bit of degrading. Hey, we all need a little slap
and tickle, don't we.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Anyway, So she says that she's.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Sexually frustrated and unsatisfied, but she's terrified about losing him.
She's asked him to try some different things. He says,
is not into it. So let's see what the sexologists,
the sex therapists out.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
There in the world say.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
You know what's interesting. I found a quote from psychotherapyrapist
pamelist Evenson Connolly, who actually was my human sexuality professor
back when I was in school.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
I was like, oh, and she had a pretty good answer.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
She looked at the psychodynamics of the fact that now
she's got this caregiving guy, and so her attitude would
be Sometimes when a partner feels overly nurturing, like a parent,
almost it can squash erotic energy, and her advice is
stop letting him be so caretaking in your life and
(02:31):
tell him that you can make your own lunch.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Okay, that's something.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Okay, then, sex therapist doctor Ian Kerner, I was actually
been on a couple TV shows with him.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
I love him. He's really really great.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
He says that we should ask questions like what's something
new that we've never tried, instead of saying like you're boring,
I'm frustrated. Right, you want to start with that layer
of love and then always an invitation and a question.
Sex educator Janelle Bryan recommends that couples write lists. Oh,
(03:08):
I've heard this couple does. The couples do this. They
write lists of things they'd like to try, and they
put it in a fish bowl, huh, on a little
piece of paper, and then every once in a while
they reach in and pull out. It could be something
that one partner put in or another partner, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
It's all mixed up.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
It's a lottery. And then they try that thing. And
I do want to say this that going from vanilla
to whatever it was you did before or like to
do should be something done in baby steps, right, so
it doesn't have to be handcuffs, role play in a
French maid's costume, swinging from the chandeliers. It could be
(03:45):
something like lighting up your senses more. You know, sex
is a sentual experience, and so you know, lighting candles
if you're not used to doing it, having sex in
a different room, just to change the whole schema. Buying
different lingerie is something as simple as scented massage oil
(04:08):
or silk sheets or ice cubes. It's amazing what you
can do with a couple of ice cubes, just saying
what we're trying to do to awaken our body. So
do you remember when you had your first date with somebody,
or maybe second or third date, somebody who you were
really attracted to. If you touched baby fingers, your whole
body would light up, right, And this is what people
(04:29):
strive in long term monogamy to have those same feelings.
It will never be the same as that.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Just to let you know.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
But one of the things that sex therapists will recommend
is something called sensate focus exercises where you kind of
start saying, okay, no touching of genitals, only touching other
parts of the body, for instance, and you have a
certain goal every night, like it's only hand touching tonight,
or it's only back massages tonight, and they will recommend
(04:56):
a whole repertoire of this that could go on for
six weeks. And you know, there's something about that word no,
when the sex therapist says no sex, no sex. It's
amazing how it just eventually shows up. Just remember this
that sexual compatibility is something that evolves over time, and
(05:16):
it is a combination of not only you know, physical
ability or physical compatibility, but more than anything, good communication
and a robust fantasy life. I often say that orgasms
take place in our head, and I don't mean our imaginations.
I mean with the stories we tell ourselves, with the
(05:38):
way that we set ourselves up. If you, as the
listener who wrote talks about going into bed feeling frustrated
from the beginning, then that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
So, good sex isn't just physical, it's emotional, it's psychological,
and I would say, most importantly, it's very communicative. If
all else fails, go see a licensed sex therapist, right,
somebody who has a license who specializes in this. No,
they're not a sex surrogate. They're not gonna have sex
with you, but they can talk about the plumbing stuff
(06:12):
as well as the fantasy stuff, as well as the
early childhood trauma that might be impacting your sex life,
et cetera. And so you could do that. Remember, sex
between two people is like learning a new dance together,
and it can evolve over time. All right, when we
come back, If you're single and you're on dating apps
(06:33):
or you're dming people and Instagram, did you know the
latest trend online is to not play it cool. Let's
talk about how you can be vulnerable in your with
your matches and your messaging online. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty were
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. If
you're single, I want you to listen up. Here's why
I want you to listen up. I posted something recently
on my Instagram. I think the video that's up there
now about how there's research a show that men, and
again not every man, but a big chunk of men,
(07:22):
have a little less empathy than most women. It's just, hey,
it just is what it is, all right. All that
testosterone means that they're not, you know, feeling a lot
of compassion all the time. Doesn't mean they can't feel
love and doesn't mean that they don't have compassion. It's
just not as much as women, and not all the time. So,
as you can imagine, I got a lot of pushback
because you know, whenever you say anything about sex brain differences,
(07:45):
they think somehow you're being sexist. Right, But one of
the things I noticed in the comment stream was a
lot of guys saying, I just know women that don't
have any empathy, and I don't have women that care
about my feelings, and I don't know women that you know,
have compassion for me. And I realized that ladies, too,
(08:06):
many of you single ladies out there, are playing at cool,
you know, like, hey, no big deal, I'm not that attached,
I'm not gonna no, don't worry about me.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
I'm cool, right.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
And this is a problem because I've always said that
women tend to hold the emotional keys to the locker
in relationships. And if women don't model, you know, emotions
and feelings and compassion and empathy, then how are guys
gonna learn it? Right? So, there's this new trend on
dating apps that I've been reading about that I'm very
(08:37):
excited about. Don't be squeamish. I'm gonna tell you right now,
it's okay. It's okay to not play it cool on
a dating app. And if you're one of those people
that maybe has been scrolling around and when you see
somebody who's text to you, you match, and then you
get this text and they seem like, well, okay, let
(08:58):
me tell you. Julio's first me was my name written
in capital letters, Wendy with four exclamation marks.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Where have you been?
Speaker 1 (09:05):
I rematched with you twice and I haven't been able
to talk to you, and oh my god, there you are.
And I was like, this guy's got some energy. This
guy's get some energy. But there are plenty of other
women out there who muld have been like you. That's
a little too much, too soon, that's a little too
much enthusiasm. Why'd they say that so fast?
Speaker 3 (09:23):
Right?
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Well, there is a new dating trend, and of course
because the Internet loves to give names to things. They
call it for people who are yearners, yearners, I call
them longers. People who really want to have a long
term relationship. I guess they're called yearners now.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
They are actually.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Now being very clear that they want connection, and they're
letting people know on the dating apps. They're not worried
about being cool, they're worried about saying what they want.
So here's a few rules for or points about lessons
from the yearner revolution. Number one, it's absolutely okay to
(10:09):
say that you care. Literally you guys. Holding back emotions
might have been high status before, but today people on
dating apps openly express their interest quickly and earnestly. In fact,
a recent study by the dating app Hinge says that
forty four percent of daters find enthusiastic follow ups more
(10:31):
attractive than ghosting silence. Of course, So my advice to
you is, if you do get a text from somebody
on an app, text them back within a few hours.
Say something genuine, like I really liked our conversation today.
Don't like sit and create fake anxiety and make them
wait and wait and wait days for you trying to
be cool.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Just say it.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
You know, because the person if they run away because
of that, their loss, because the person who will love
that will be right there for you. I will say this,
vulnerability beats irony. So jen z is really afraid of
looking cringe, right, so they tend to use sarcasm and
(11:15):
irony instead of sincerity. But avoiding vulnerability leads to fewer
meaningful matches on the apps, right, So don't be afraid
to instead of just putting that little wink face emogi
or a little loll say something real, like I'm really
(11:36):
kind of nervous about dating apps, but here I am
ready to give it a try. You know, being real
and being authentic is much more rare than being perfect
because everyone's trying to be perfect online. I remember one
guy I matched with on a dating app years ago
when I was single. He googled me and saw what
(11:57):
I did. I don't even think I was on KFI
at the time, but I was, you know, writing books
about relationships, and he said to me, I just want
to check before we meet for lunch. You're not doing
research for anything, are you, Because really we're just a
bunch of human beings here hanging our hearts out and
be careful with mine. Wasn't that lovely? I couldn't wait
(12:18):
to meet them for lunch?
Speaker 2 (12:19):
I thought that was really cool.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
All right, here's something else you should do. Notice the
small things that's yearning. Pay attention to micro details, how
they like their coffee, how they take their avocado toast.
That means, if you haven't met him yet, comment on
their profile, say something like, hey, I noticed you love
you know one of our adult triple lattes too, So
do I. It shows you're paying attention and not just
(12:43):
swiping on the apps, like, really dig into finding little
details in their pictures or what they wrote in their
profile and comment on it. And I would also suggest
that you want to beat your avoidant pattern. Right, you're
if somebody who you're burned out by chasing around people
who can't love you back. If you act vulnerable and
(13:09):
they leave because they can't tolerate that intimacy, do the
touchdown cheer, Okay, don't try to chase them and get
them to like you, right. If they match your tone,
respond more. If they get distant, you get distant. And
please remember you aren't being needy, you're being clear. A
(13:33):
lot of our dating culture here in America has taught
us that texting too much makes you look desperate, but now.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
There are researchers.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Of course, there's research behind this from Cambridge University that
says that for many men, romantic relationships remain deeply important
and longing is real. So after you've had a great date,
follow up. Just send a text said, hey, had an
amazed We'd love to see you soon. I will say this,
(14:03):
you don't follow up two minutes after the date, okay,
get home, go to bed the next morning, something, because
that does look too like they can't even contain themselves.
But I will say this follow through.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Oh why the way?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
I just want to add one more thing. If you
do get ghosted, don't just leave it hanging out there.
Be classy and have some self confidence. Just send a
text that said, hey, I noticed our conversation stopped.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
I enjoyed talking.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Wish you well. You see, you're just communicating that you
have grace and that you prioritize authenticity and mutuality. So
forget if you don't like endless wipes, if you don't
like all the silence, if you're trying to figure out
what that emoji means, just say it. Hey, when we
come back. If you're married or living with your partner,
(14:49):
I've got four things you can do every single morning
to make your relationship break up proof.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
You're listening to.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I Am six forty
Belive Everywhere on the Ihea Heart Radio App.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Ball Show on KFI
AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. So
I was reading this article this morning. I think it
was in psychology today. No, there was one. Well, I
read a couple.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
I read a few things today.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
I was a busy barbie. This was on CNBC's website
and it was something about like four things that healthy
couples do every day, and so I read it, but
I was thinking about this story. So this friend of
mine years ago had never witnessed a healthy relationship or
(15:45):
any relationship because sadly, her mom passed away early and
so her dad was a lonely single dad.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Nice guy.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
I mean he did marry later, but with a very avoidant,
distant woman. So anyway, she didn't have a model for
a healthy relationship. So when she got married a whole
bunch of years ago, her husband was whining and complaining
about not getting enough and his needs met blah blah blah,
and she asked me about healthy relationship. This was long
before I'd even studied psychology, but I was apparently giving
advice to everybody, unsolicited advice anyway. And I said to her,
(16:18):
you know, when they had traditional gender roles, they were
quite wealthy, and her job was to make sure dinner
was on the table at a certain time. Hey, it
might not be for you, it's okay, but it worked
for them. And I said to her, when he comes
into that house every night at the end of his
busy day where he's dealt with a bunch of junk
all day, just go to the door and greet him
(16:42):
and give him a hug or kiss hello. She's like, really,
I go, yeah, seek him out so that you two
are reattaching. And I remember her calling me a few
weeks later and she's like, so weird, that actually changed
so much in our relationship in such a good mood.
And it's just the simplest thing. Now for me, that's
(17:04):
the most natural thing. This is what I witnessed in
my house growing up. When my dad would come in
the door from work. My mom, no matter where she
was in the house, no matter what she was doing,
she'd go and greet him like, Hi, honey, you're home.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Give him a little hug and kiss. Guess what I
did today?
Speaker 1 (17:19):
And dinner's gonna be ready soon, and you know, go relax, whatever,
little chit chat, little reconnection. At the end of the day,
you know, there are many couples out there that you
look at and you're like, they just seem unshakeable, like
nothing is gonna hurt them. Well, this article that I
read on CNBC, and I added a few more because
I started researching more on this. I came up with
(17:41):
four things to do every morning if you want to
divorce proof your marriage. Okay, let's break it down. First
of all, the simplest thing, say good morning.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
You know it's funny.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
I had my babies sleep in bed with me. We
didn't have a crib.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
We're poor.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
I just practice attachment parenting. Okay, hey, we'll be okay
if we were pored too. But anyway, I didn't buy
cribs for my kids, and so when those little eyes
would open in the morning, or if my eyes open,
I see that little face and I always say.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Good morning baby.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
How are you You know?
Speaker 2 (18:15):
That's what you do?
Speaker 1 (18:16):
You see a little baby, their little eyes are open.
It's first thing in the morning. Why aren't you doing
a version of that with your spouse or your living partner?
Juliu and I do that every morning. Whoever opens their
eyes second, the one who's been there looking goes good morning. Hi,
good morning. We start the day with a simple good morning.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Another thing healthy couples do, according to research, is we
touch each other. There's physical touch in the morning. Sometimes
it's a full on snuggle if we don't have to
rush out of bed. Sometimes it's just a hug, a
hand squeeze, a little peck on the cheek. Honey, I'm
going to pilates, a little kiss and go whatever. But
there is touch that happens every morning. There's the hello
(18:57):
greeting and there's touch. See if you got two of those,
there's two out of four. And there's research to support this.
By the way, studies show that non sexual physical affection
increases oxytocin levels, reduces stress, and strengthens emotional bonds. And
going back to the little good morning thing. You know.
I always quote John Gotman of the Gotman Institute, and
(19:17):
he calls these things bids for connection. Research shows that
couples who respond positively to these bids for connection, like
my friend going to greet her husband at the end
of his day, that's a bid for connection, all right.
Another thing that couples, healthy couples do every morning is
(19:38):
they say something positive to each other in the morning.
They set the day off well. Sometimes I will just
say to Julio, you look like you had a really
good sleep. The bags are gone out of your eyes,
your eyes aren't so red anyone. I don't highlight the negative.
I just say, hey, you look like you had a
good sleep, honey, Or you look like you have lot
(20:00):
of energy. What you got on the agenda today, and
just say something positive. I talk about gratitude all the
time and expressing gratitude to your lover, but it's very important.
One particular study from the Journal of Positive Psychology, there
you go found the couples who regularly express appreciation feel
more satisfied and committed. And the other thing is they
(20:26):
spend just a few minutes together doing something. They don't
just jump out of bed and rush out the door.
I know what you're thinking, but.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
We have places to go.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
We got to get the kids to school, they've got
to get to work.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
We got stuff doing, I know.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
So you set the alarm a little bit earlier just
to have these few minutes. Sometimes it's even just touching
toes in bed for a few minutes while you're looking
at your phones, checking your schedule for the day, checking
the news of the day, checking the weather. Right, But
if you make a few sometimes it's making a coffee together,
or one of you making coffee this morning, because you know,
(20:58):
I'm dealing with that jet.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Like I got up.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
I woke up earlier, not on purpose, but it happened.
And I was actually waiting for the Starbucks in my
neighborhood to open because I was out of coffee. Bean's
whole long story. So I walked and I got us
to lattes, and I got us to Little Breakfast sandwiches,
and I walked back.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
By the time I walked back, he was up.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
So we had this little ritual of having our little
Starbucks breakfast because the fridge was empty, because you know,
we've been gone. That's why, So say good morning to
your partner, offer a little touch, give him a compliment,
and spend a few minutes together and you might be
amazed at what this can do for your relationship. And
on that note, that brings the Doctor Wendy Wall Show
(21:42):
to a close, It's always my pleasure to be with
you every Sunday on KFI. If you'd like to get
more of me at in video form, just you know,
follow me on social media. I've been trying to build
my Instagram lately because who knows what's going to happen
with TikTok. Although now that the president so many followers
on TikTok, I'm sure he's not going to get rid
(22:02):
of it. He keeps saying, oh, a sale is imminent.
Who knows. But anyway, follow me on Instagram at Dr
Wendy Walsh. That's at Doctor Wendy Walsh. But I'm always
here for you, Always here for you, every Sunday on KFI.
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
KFI Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
(22:25):
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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