September 22, 2025 • 33 mins
Dr Wendy knows the VERY WORST RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR! Do you do this? PLUS we are talking to Emily Goodson, an author, keynote speaker, and former HR leader transforming how we think about relationships, self-worth, and connection. She is telling us all about her book "Dating Disability: 15 Stories of Dealing with the BS and Building Confidence." It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. I'm about to tell you, literally,
according to science, and according to me, the very worst
relationship behavior that you can ever do. And here's how
(00:21):
I know it's the worst. According to me, It's happened
to me, and nothing makes me more crazy, nothing makes
me feel more hurt, more abandoned, more angry. The worst
thing you can ever do in your relationship. And you
(00:42):
may have learned this at home. This may be a
way of dealing with conflict that your parents did to you,
your siblings did to you, so you may have come
by this bad behavior quite honestly. But the worst thing
you can do in a relationship is to give somebody
your silence, the silent treatment. You know. They've done so
(01:06):
much research on couples who have conflict, and actually there's
some research to show that the healthiest couples have the
most conflict. Now they're not having big, knockdown, drag them
ount battles, they're having lots of little border skirmishes as
they continue to renegotiate their boundaries and educate each other
about who they are and what they're feeling. Right, But
(01:27):
there are couples who might argue, they might shout at
each other, they might cry, they might try to storm
into another room and slam a door for a few minutes.
Some people might say to their partner, I'm gonna like
hit you if I don't walk outside and go for
around the block. All that is not as unhealthy as
(01:47):
the silent treatment, because when you don't respond, when you
shut down, they feel so alienated. There was this classic
study published in a journal called Group Process and Intergroup Relations,
and these researchers found that the silent treatment is usually
(02:12):
seen as punitive. And that's how I felt. I would
I had this anxious attachment style. I would meet these
avoidant guys who couldn't deal with their feelings, and so
they would shut me out. I'd be texting, I'd be calling,
I'd be getting no response. I was often doing the
most unhealthy things, like sending girlfriends into their workplace. It
was a public place to you know, see who they
(02:34):
were with, what were they were doing. Right, Because when
you feel that abandonment, that level of abandonment, it threatens
all four of your core psychological needs. And here are
the psychological needs that all of us have. We need
to have a sense of belonging. We need to have
(02:55):
a sense of self esteem that were good enough. We
need to have a sense of control, not what's happening,
I'm confused. Are we broken up? Is it coming back?
What's happening?
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Right?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
And we need to have a meaningful existence. And when
you're the recipient of the silent treatment, you're sitting in
this void experiencing all of these unmet needs. Actually, so
let's talk a little bit about if in your relationship,
whether you're dating, whether you're living together, whether you're married,
(03:27):
whether you've been together three months or thirty years. You
know what people can change. People can change at any point.
So what do you do if you are the recipient
of a silent treatment, a partner who gives you the
silent treatment. Well, first of all, I want you to
recognize that there are two kinds of silent treatments. The
(03:51):
first one is that person just needs time to process.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Some people go quiet because they feel overwhelmed, They feel
maybe because they were punished as a kid for expressing
their feelings, they feel unsafe in expressing their feelings, or
maybe they just don't have the words right to connect
their feelings with language, so they need time to think
it through, to process. So that's one is it's less malignant, right,
(04:20):
it's less dangerous, But you got to understand that could
be what's going on. But then there are those other partners,
and they are the ones who need to control right
for them, they use the silent treatment as a weapon.
They want to gaslight you. They want to make you
feel guilty, they want to punish you, they want you
(04:44):
to doubt yourself. And so what happens with the people
who are given the silent treatment by these often narcissistic
people who just shut you out, is they think, what
can I do to fix this again? How can I
bring this person back? So they offer apologies. They don't
even know what they did wrong, but they're just offering apologies.
(05:05):
They do whatever they can to try to patch things
up because the silent treatment is so painful. So the
first thing you need to do is determine what kind
of silent treatment it is, and no matter which kind
it is, don't rationalize it, don't make excuses for their behavior,
(05:28):
don't tell yourself, well, you know I understand they're mad
because what I did was really wrong, or it's not
their fault. This is the way they were taught to
handle it. That's just how they show their anger or
you know they're hurting. I don't blame them. I want
to tell you I used to be the most compassionate,
(05:49):
empathetic person, and I literally my whole compassion would rise
up in the middle of mistreatment and I would be thinking, Oh,
they must have been such a hurt child. Good to
be behaving this way. To me, Okay, don't do it.
Don't do what I did. Don't do it. So if
you've determined that they just need time to process, you
(06:11):
might say something like, hey, I know you need time
to process your feelings, but when you shut me out,
I feel lost and I feel abandoned, and that makes
me panic. So let's work together. You do this when
you're not fighting. Let's work together to create a new
system where if you need time to process, to think
things out, that before you do that, you send some
(06:33):
kind of signal or code to me and you tell
me when we're going to continue the discussion. Anybody can
hold on to the silent treatment if they know there's
an end to it. Right, So if they say, I
just need a good night's sleep and tomorrow when I
get home from work, let's address this again.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
That's cool.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
That's fine. If you're fighting and you're drunk and it's midnight,
go to sleep. You'll do so much better. So figure
out what the code is.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Now.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
If they're using it as a control tactic, you gotta
acknowledge it. You got to comment on it. Say you
might say, when you go silent as a way to
control me, it really damages our relationship. Now, this isn't
necessarily designed to change them. It's designed to remind yourself
what's going on, that you're the victim here and you
(07:17):
are being punished. All right, then you set a boundary.
And remember a boundary isn't about setting a rule, it's
about setting a consequence. A rule is not a rule
until it's been tested. Did you know that people with
high self esteem are more likely to use when they're
feeling ostracized the silent treatment. They will understand that this
(07:40):
is not worth it, and they will walk away from
partners who use it against them. People with low self
esteem stay and hang out when they get the silent treatment.
So maybe the goal is to raise your self esteem,
getting into therapy, et cetera. But what you can do
is you can give a warning. Hey, when you cut
all off all communication with me, I hurt and alone.
(08:01):
I want you to know I really care about our relationship.
But if you can't tell me when we will address
this subject again, your silent treatment will signal to me
that we're breaking up. And then you have to follow through, right,
you have to leave just saying it's hard. I know
boundaries are hard. They're hard, but you can do it
silent treatment. It's going to end anyway with this. You're
(08:23):
not gonna have a long term relationship with this, I promise. Hey.
When we come back, I have a very special guest.
She's an author of a new book, and she came
to me through our special from a year and a
half ago, Worthy of Love. You probably remember her La
Times widely shared essay called I'm a disabled woman? Is
that a dating deal breaker? I welcome Emily Goodson when
(08:46):
we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI Am six forty Live Everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (08:53):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
I don't know if you remember, but last year, well,
it's got to be more than a year ago now,
because I've been married more than a year. Oh gosh,
at least a year and a half ago. I did
a special on KFI called Worthy of Love, and I
talked about and two people who had challenges in the
(09:20):
dating scene. You might remember there was a woman who
had had a previous career in the pornography industry, the
adult film industry, and she held so much shame about
her prior job, and of course the men she dated
either loved or hated the fact that she had this
prior job. We had, well, that was the live show
(09:43):
where I proposed to my now husband live on the air,
where I shared the fact that a full ten percent
of American men have experienced incarceration and they're out on
dating apps. The vast majority, of course, are for nonviolent crimes,
and men have made amends and changed their lives, and
yet they are often discriminated against. Well dating And you
(10:06):
may also remember a young woman who recently got married,
who met her husband on a dating app, and she
has cerebral palsy and talked about dating with disabilities. I
wanted to kind of revisit this again because I firmly
believe that everybody is worthy of love. Everybody deserves love.
(10:28):
We don't need to date down, so to speak, that
we can be cherished no matter who we are or
what are circumstances. My next guest knows that well. Her
name is Emily Goodson. She's an author, a keynote speaker,
and a former human resources leader, and she is working hard,
(10:49):
like me, to transform how we think about relationships and
our own self worth and connection. You might remember she
had a op ed in the La Times, an essay
that I remember reading very closely. I thought it was
beautiful and it was called I'm a disabled woman? Is
that a dating deal breaker? Our first book is coming
(11:11):
out soon. Welcome Emily Goodson, Hi Emily.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Hi doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
So I'm sure everyone wants to know a little bit
about your story, and thank you so much for sharing
the intimate side of your growth and development, and thank
you for being brave enough to share it with everybody.
So can we talk about your disability or, as my
previous guest used to call it, your different abilities? Yes?
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Absolutely? Should I just dive in Yeah, what happened. What happened? Well,
when I was eight years old, I had a brain injury,
so essentially something well a clump of blood bustles burst
in my brain stem and started bleeding.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
And was it is there something that happened on the
playground or it just happened.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
No, that's a great question. It just happened. It was
just random. I was traveling with my family and I
fell down and then pretty soon there after started to
lose control on the left side of my body. And
that's when they figured out something had happened, and so
(12:27):
it just you know, it started bleeding and and what
happened is I eventually had surgery to remove this little
clump so it wouldn't bleed again. But you know, as
a result of all of this, I became an am
partially paralyzed on the left side of my body. And
you know, I grew up and you know, was very
(12:50):
successful from a lot of standpoints, you know, as a
child and a teenager, and we learned to walk but
with a limp, and you know, a significant sort of
difference in lengths between my two legs, and I was
very successful in school. I was, you know, very successful.
(13:11):
You know, in college, internships, all of that, but I
was never successful in love or in dating. And you
know what I came to to find as an adult
is I had, you know, internalized a lot of shame
and a lot of stories about my disability and about
(13:33):
what that meant in terms of you know, worthiness and
how people were perceiving it.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
That was really in his and I'm sure it works.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
You know, I have a friend, doctor Eva Ritfo, who's
a psychiatrist, and and she wrote a book on beauty
at one point, and really talks a lot about internal beauty, right,
And what happens is whatever we believe about ourselves will
get reflected back to us by the environment.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
So can you give me an example of in the
early days, maybe a way you might have behaved or
thought that was reinforcing this low self esteem?
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Well, I, you know, I think the biggest one that
I'll share, and also, don't let me forget I have
a side note about Eva that I want to tell you.
I I you know, I think the biggest one was
I really struggled to express myself.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
And so.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
There were you know a lot of young men and
you know the older men eventually that I was interested
in romantically, and I think because I didn't feel worthy
and potentially, you know, because there weren't very many representations
(14:51):
of disabled love in society. You know, I didn't feel
worthy in voicing those interests and so, you know, I
really so.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
It's like you automatically put men in the friend zone
because you figured that's where they wanted you to be.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
That's interesting. Yes, yes, I think that's correct. Yeah, I
mean I would have said my answer to that. And
you know why I allude to my la times is
I felt like men always put me in the friend zone.
But you're right, I put myself there because I wasn't
always expressing my interest or showing my interest.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
So when we come back, we're going to go for
a short break. I want to hear about what shifted
inside you and how that changed your life. And I
also want to talk about your new book coming out
called Dating Disability Fifteen Stories of dealing with the BS
and building confidence. My guest is Emily Goodson. Thank you
(15:45):
for being here. Let's go to break and we'll be
right back. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Wall Show on
KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
My guest Emily Goodson, a keynote speaker and author, a
former HR leader who is transforming the way we think
about self esteem, our intimate relationships, and people with disabilities. Emily,
thanks again for joining us. She explained to us that
she suffered a brain injury as a child, is partially
(16:22):
paralyzed on the left side of her body. Tended to
put men in the friend zone. Would I be correct,
Emily to say that while these men put you in
the friend zone, whoever put whoever in there, it was
a safe place, right, It was a safe place for you.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
So what changed?
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Yes, I decided I didn't want to be safe. And
I think what happened is I had had enough. And
you know, I moved to California. I grew up on
the East Coast forever and or forever for my teenage
and young adult year, my twenties, and then moved to
(17:02):
California right before the pandemic to start my own business
as doing HR consulting. And you know, I think when
that pandemic hit all of us, myself included did you know?
So much reflecting? And you know, I really started to
take a hard look with them inside myself, and I
knew this was something I really wanted. Like I knew
(17:24):
I wanted partnership and I wanted a committed romantic relationship.
And so that, you know what changed is I decided
things needed to change. And so I found a coach
that I started working with and she really helps me
uncover what I needed to and start to express myself better.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
And how did it go? How did the dating go?
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Oh? My, how did the dating go? Well? It went great,
I mean, I you know, I mean it was very
scary and very emotional, and you know, I would.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
You tell did you meet people on dating apps?
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Mostly in person? I have never really cared for dating apps.
I've tried them here and there, but I prefer to
meet people in person. And so the men I met
after I worked with my coach, almost all of them
I met in person.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
And where did you I know everyone's going to ask
is like, where do you go to meet people?
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Now?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Are you in bars and restaurants, Starbucks? Grocery stores?
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Actually? Actually, doctor, I have a great story for you.
I was thinking of this over the weekend because I
meet people. One of the best ways I meet men
right now is walking down the street and wearing a
ball cap.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
And I'm not kidding what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
The men, men straight men love baseball caps. So I
especially if you.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Happen to be wearing their team. Is it a Yankee hat?
Speaker 2 (18:59):
No? No, I I wear a Dodgers hat like And
this is the thing, is I wear a Dodgers hat
in New York. And so either they love the Dodgers
and they're stopping me for that reason, or they're stopping
me because they have something to say about how much
better the Yankees are than the Dodgers. But I mean,
it's without fail, I'm telling you it is. It is
(19:20):
a good a good little wife trick.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Oh interesting, And I used to tell women to just
go take a golf lesson and go to a hockey game.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Yourself a baseball hat.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
I'm telling you that is good news. So are you
in a relationship now, Emily, No, I'm not. But you're
still having fun on the dating scene, and you seem
to have lost a lot of your apprehension about it.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
All exactly, and that's that's what's most important.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
So let's talk about your book. You have a book
coming out soon called Dating Disability, fifteen stories of dealing
with the BS and building confidence. Where did these fifteen
stories come about? Are they all about your life or
did you interview other people? Tell me about the book?
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Great question. They're all about my life. The first eight
are stories of sort of how I built this unhealthy
inner narrative around myself and around dating and around sexuality,
quite honestly, and then the next seven are how I
broke out of that, so stories of working with my coaches,
(20:28):
and stories of expressing myself to men and having more
productive like encounters. And then it concludes with takeaways for
people who want to date, people who are working on themselves,
and parents children with physical disabilities, and I also have
some takeaways for my haters in case they exist.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
You know, it sounds like this book Dating Disability has
some jewels of wisdom for even people who do not
have physical disabilities but may have low self esteem and
be afraid to put themselves.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Out there a hunter versa. Because at the end of
the day, that's really what it's about, is it's about
me building better self worth and confidence in myself and
in expressing my needs, and you know I speak One
of the groups I particularly enjoy speing to is middle
and high schoolers, and you know, they are at such
(21:29):
an important age, you know, to work on self worth
and growth and confidence. And so I think there are
a lot of gems in there for you know, people
who you know just need some extra support, you know,
and growing and being they who they're meant to be.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
So besides the baseball cap trick, can you share with
our listeners another jewel of wisdom that would help anybody
in the dating world?
Speaker 2 (21:56):
I yes, I feel like I could share a lot.
I think if I had to pick one is you
know I talk about this in the book, and I
this is something I borrowed from my Soul Cycle instructor
is to focus on getting one percent better. You don't
have to get ten percent better overnight, just have to
(22:18):
get one percent better each day. And that was something
I really judged myself harsh. I judged myself very harshly
for a number of years, which is not a good thing,
and many of us do it. And I remember, you know,
when I first started telling men who I was romantically
and sexually interested in that you know that I felt
(22:40):
that way I was really hard on myself of like,
why can't I have this conversation in person? Like I
sent a text? You know, why couldn't I have pushed
myself to do this in person? And that wasn't fair
that I wasn't being fair on myself to myself. And
I think, you know, we have to remember that, particularly
when we're have struggled with self esteem or have struggled
(23:02):
with self worth. You know, that's a lot to come
out the other side of. And bravo for anyone who
does that. And if you are just taking small steps,
like that's okay, you're going to get to a place
you know where I did, where you're you're not afraid
to just stay it on the phone to say like
I wanted you to kiss me or I want to
(23:22):
kiss you know you're you're going to get there, but
you're not going to get there overnight. And so yeah,
So I I really that one percent better applies to
a lot of things.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
Yes, I think we can all think about just getting
a little bit better every single day. Emily Goodson, you
said you had we have very little time left, but
you said you have a quick story about friend of
the show. Here, Doctor Iva Rittfoe, who's a psychiatrist in
Miami who've We've had on the show a number of
times in the past.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yes, I have. My portrait has been in two of
her photography exhibits for the Bold Beauty Project.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
That's right. She runs a charity called the Bold Beauty
Project where she has makeup artists and wardrobe people glam
up people with who may have physical disabilities and do
a beautiful photographic exhibit. I think her most recent one
was at UCLA in the spring.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Yeah, which was great. Oh well, I'm going to have
to look for your picture there. Emily Goodson. Where can
people get the book? The book is called Dating Disability
Fifteen Stories of dealing with the BS and building confidence.
Where can people get it?
Speaker 2 (24:24):
They can get it right now on my publisher's website,
which is called Amplify, and they'll be able to get
it later this fall and winter on Amazon and Barnes
and Noble and my website. Ecgodson dot com also has
full link and it has Amplify.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Amplify dot com is where they go.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Amplify dot com. Yeah, I think Amplify Publishing.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Yeah, okay, Emily, when you meet that guy, and you
guys get into a relationship, you have to promise to
come back on the show and tell us your love story.
I promise, thanks for being with us, and that brings
the Doctor Wendy Wall's Show to a close. It is
always my pleasure to be here every Sunday from seven
to nine pm. If you'd like to follow me on
(25:08):
my social media you certainly may. The handle is at
doctor Wendy Walsh. And if you miss any part of
the show, remember just download that iHeartRadio app. You can
listen to it anytime. Just just type in Doctor Wendy
Wall's Show, hit the preset button, and anytime something new happens,
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the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty
(25:30):
or live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
You know, there's so much debate. I was talking recently
about an editorial in the New York Times. I'm a
guy who said, we focus so much on in our
love relationships, about what we get out of it. About
love love? You know, what do they do for me lately,
am I happy because they're doing an eye for me?
And the argument is that love is a verb, it's
(26:05):
an action word, and it is the verb to give,
and that this whole idea that you can't love somebody
else until you love yourself first may be a little crazy,
because loving somebody else and doing a good job of
it can help you look at yourself in a different light.
(26:27):
In other words, we can observe ourselves giving to somebody
else and as a result, love ourselves a little bit more.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
So.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
I don't always believe that you have to love yourself first. However,
of course, I read a new study this week that
I found very interesting. And what the study or the
title of it is called caring for yourself can lead
(26:58):
to happier relationship. Now, there's a big difference between self
care and selfishness. We're going to break that down in
a minute. The study, published in the journal called Personal Relationships,
looked at two hundred and nine heterosexual couples and the
(27:19):
results show, Okay, listen, ladies, I want to listen closely
that men in heterosexual relationships benefit a lot if their
partner is self compassionate, and the researchers learned that self
(27:40):
compassion is something that can be trained. Okay, so what
the heck is self compassion? According to the researchers, self
compassion is the act of having a caring, kind, and
attentive attitude towards oneself. Ashley in regard to our shortcomings,
(28:04):
in a word, learning to forgive ourselves. You know, when
I'm alone at my house, You're you're not gonna be
surprised to hear this. I talk to myself like out loud.
In fact, I'm worried sometimes that I'm gonna be like
out in public and still doing it. But I do.
I walk around and talk to myself. I have whole
conversations with myself, not like voices in the head, but
I'll be like, hey, Wendy, what are you making for dinner?
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Yeah, you said you were gonna, but you stopped and
you forgot to pick up the Oh darn, I forgot
to do that. I gotta. I literally talked about like
my thoughts are outside because I'm home alone, and it's
just it's a way. Okay, I'm an external processor, but
I noticed recently that my self talk is getting more forgiving.
(28:47):
Did you know when my kids were little we used
to have. They would laugh and I created the stupid
saying that I'll never do again. Dummy mummy, Oh, dummy mummy,
and they would say it to You're a dummy mummy,
or I made a dummy mummy mistake. Right, Whenever I'd
make a mistake, I thought, I don't want to feed
my brain that. I want to feed my brain. Well,
that was a hard thing. You didn't do perfect, but
(29:09):
it's going to be better next time, right. I want
to be able to forgive myself. Do you ever think
back in your life? I do this. Sometimes I will
have memories where I said something awful, embarrassing, did something embarrassing,
just felt bad about something. And these memories might become
(29:31):
intrusive thoughts. They just show up and I feel that
shame in my tummy. You get that little bile in
your stomach when you feel ashamed. And I used to
when these intrusive memories would show up, I would try
to push them out immediately. But now I do something different.
I literally say, wow, you got to where you are
(29:53):
in life because you learned all those important lessons. I
literally welcome the memories, but in instead of allowing the
outcome to be a feeling of total shame and embarrassment.
I literally say to myself, Wow, you managed to get
through that, and you didn't even know that much back then. Wow,
this is all the experiences that made you who you
(30:15):
are now. And this is the kind of self compassion
that we're talking about. Right, So what happens is it
makes you happy, but it also makes the partner happy
because the partner doesn't have to rescue you or attend
to you, or build your self esteem or be your cheerleader. Right. Instead,
(30:42):
you're a self contained person who has your own self esteem.
Because you're compassionate for yourself, it also allows you to
be more compassionate for another person, by the way, right,
The researchers also found that couples where at least one
partner practiced a lot of self compassion were able to
resolve conflicts easier because the big feelings of jealousy and
(31:07):
anger were really reduced. Right, So, if we can stop
and just look at ourselves and say, you know what,
I'm a human being, I'm trying, I'm getting there, I'm
I'm making some mistakes along the way, and I'm doing
better and better. This is what we need to do
and it will benefit our love relationships. So I just
(31:31):
encourage you to have really positive self talk because now
we have research to show that it not only benefits us.
Now again, that is very different from selfishness. Being self
compassionate means believing that you're a human being, and you're valuable,
and you're cool, and you make mistakes like every other
human being, and you can forgive yourself for those mistakes.
(31:55):
And you should know that even the most emotionally mature
like Dr Wendy Walsh sometimes sometimes have memories and intrusive
thoughts of mistakes we made, things we did wrong. Are
you surprised that it's my mouth who usually got me
into trouble?
Speaker 2 (32:11):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Huh it did anyway, Hi yea yi. That brings our
show to a close. It is always my pleasure to
be with you here every Sunday night, as I've been
for the last eleven years. And as a reminder, download
that iHeartRadio app and listen to this shows, back shows,
future shows if you can't be here exactly on Sundays,
(32:33):
But is always my pleasure to share the science of
love and interpersonal relationships with you. Thanks for being here,
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on
KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh, you can always
hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
(32:55):
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio well
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. I'm about to tell you, literally,
according to science, and according to me, the very worst
relationship behavior that you can ever do. And here's how
(00:21):
I know it's the worst. According to me, It's happened
to me, and nothing makes me more crazy, nothing makes
me feel more hurt, more abandoned, more angry. The worst
thing you can ever do in your relationship. And you
(00:42):
may have learned this at home. This may be a
way of dealing with conflict that your parents did to you,
your siblings did to you, so you may have come
by this bad behavior quite honestly. But the worst thing
you can do in a relationship is to give somebody
your silence, the silent treatment. You know. They've done so
(01:06):
much research on couples who have conflict, and actually there's
some research to show that the healthiest couples have the
most conflict. Now they're not having big, knockdown, drag them
ount battles, they're having lots of little border skirmishes as
they continue to renegotiate their boundaries and educate each other
about who they are and what they're feeling. Right, But
(01:27):
there are couples who might argue, they might shout at
each other, they might cry, they might try to storm
into another room and slam a door for a few minutes.
Some people might say to their partner, I'm gonna like
hit you if I don't walk outside and go for
around the block. All that is not as unhealthy as
(01:47):
the silent treatment, because when you don't respond, when you
shut down, they feel so alienated. There was this classic
study published in a journal called Group Process and Intergroup Relations,
and these researchers found that the silent treatment is usually
(02:12):
seen as punitive. And that's how I felt. I would
I had this anxious attachment style. I would meet these
avoidant guys who couldn't deal with their feelings, and so
they would shut me out. I'd be texting, I'd be calling,
I'd be getting no response. I was often doing the
most unhealthy things, like sending girlfriends into their workplace. It
was a public place to you know, see who they
(02:34):
were with, what were they were doing. Right, Because when
you feel that abandonment, that level of abandonment, it threatens
all four of your core psychological needs. And here are
the psychological needs that all of us have. We need
to have a sense of belonging. We need to have
(02:55):
a sense of self esteem that were good enough. We
need to have a sense of control, not what's happening,
I'm confused. Are we broken up? Is it coming back?
What's happening?
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Right?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
And we need to have a meaningful existence. And when
you're the recipient of the silent treatment, you're sitting in
this void experiencing all of these unmet needs. Actually, so
let's talk a little bit about if in your relationship,
whether you're dating, whether you're living together, whether you're married,
(03:27):
whether you've been together three months or thirty years. You
know what people can change. People can change at any point.
So what do you do if you are the recipient
of a silent treatment, a partner who gives you the
silent treatment. Well, first of all, I want you to
recognize that there are two kinds of silent treatments. The
(03:51):
first one is that person just needs time to process.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Some people go quiet because they feel overwhelmed, They feel
maybe because they were punished as a kid for expressing
their feelings, they feel unsafe in expressing their feelings, or
maybe they just don't have the words right to connect
their feelings with language, so they need time to think
it through, to process. So that's one is it's less malignant, right,
(04:20):
it's less dangerous, But you got to understand that could
be what's going on. But then there are those other partners,
and they are the ones who need to control right
for them, they use the silent treatment as a weapon.
They want to gaslight you. They want to make you
feel guilty, they want to punish you, they want you
(04:44):
to doubt yourself. And so what happens with the people
who are given the silent treatment by these often narcissistic
people who just shut you out, is they think, what
can I do to fix this again? How can I
bring this person back? So they offer apologies. They don't
even know what they did wrong, but they're just offering apologies.
(05:05):
They do whatever they can to try to patch things
up because the silent treatment is so painful. So the
first thing you need to do is determine what kind
of silent treatment it is, and no matter which kind
it is, don't rationalize it, don't make excuses for their behavior,
(05:28):
don't tell yourself, well, you know I understand they're mad
because what I did was really wrong, or it's not
their fault. This is the way they were taught to
handle it. That's just how they show their anger or
you know they're hurting. I don't blame them. I want
to tell you I used to be the most compassionate,
(05:49):
empathetic person, and I literally my whole compassion would rise
up in the middle of mistreatment and I would be thinking, Oh,
they must have been such a hurt child. Good to
be behaving this way. To me, Okay, don't do it.
Don't do what I did. Don't do it. So if
you've determined that they just need time to process, you
(06:11):
might say something like, hey, I know you need time
to process your feelings, but when you shut me out,
I feel lost and I feel abandoned, and that makes
me panic. So let's work together. You do this when
you're not fighting. Let's work together to create a new
system where if you need time to process, to think
things out, that before you do that, you send some
(06:33):
kind of signal or code to me and you tell
me when we're going to continue the discussion. Anybody can
hold on to the silent treatment if they know there's
an end to it. Right, So if they say, I
just need a good night's sleep and tomorrow when I
get home from work, let's address this again.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
That's cool.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
That's fine. If you're fighting and you're drunk and it's midnight,
go to sleep. You'll do so much better. So figure
out what the code is.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
Now.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
If they're using it as a control tactic, you gotta
acknowledge it. You got to comment on it. Say you
might say, when you go silent as a way to
control me, it really damages our relationship. Now, this isn't
necessarily designed to change them. It's designed to remind yourself
what's going on, that you're the victim here and you
(07:17):
are being punished. All right, then you set a boundary.
And remember a boundary isn't about setting a rule, it's
about setting a consequence. A rule is not a rule
until it's been tested. Did you know that people with
high self esteem are more likely to use when they're
feeling ostracized the silent treatment. They will understand that this
(07:40):
is not worth it, and they will walk away from
partners who use it against them. People with low self
esteem stay and hang out when they get the silent treatment.
So maybe the goal is to raise your self esteem,
getting into therapy, et cetera. But what you can do
is you can give a warning. Hey, when you cut
all off all communication with me, I hurt and alone.
(08:01):
I want you to know I really care about our relationship.
But if you can't tell me when we will address
this subject again, your silent treatment will signal to me
that we're breaking up. And then you have to follow through, right,
you have to leave just saying it's hard. I know
boundaries are hard. They're hard, but you can do it
silent treatment. It's going to end anyway with this. You're
(08:23):
not gonna have a long term relationship with this, I promise. Hey.
When we come back, I have a very special guest.
She's an author of a new book, and she came
to me through our special from a year and a
half ago, Worthy of Love. You probably remember her La
Times widely shared essay called I'm a disabled woman? Is
that a dating deal breaker? I welcome Emily Goodson when
(08:46):
we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI Am six forty Live Everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (08:53):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
I don't know if you remember, but last year, well,
it's got to be more than a year ago now,
because I've been married more than a year. Oh gosh,
at least a year and a half ago. I did
a special on KFI called Worthy of Love, and I
talked about and two people who had challenges in the
(09:20):
dating scene. You might remember there was a woman who
had had a previous career in the pornography industry, the
adult film industry, and she held so much shame about
her prior job, and of course the men she dated
either loved or hated the fact that she had this
prior job. We had, well, that was the live show
(09:43):
where I proposed to my now husband live on the air,
where I shared the fact that a full ten percent
of American men have experienced incarceration and they're out on
dating apps. The vast majority, of course, are for nonviolent crimes,
and men have made amends and changed their lives, and
yet they are often discriminated against. Well dating And you
(10:06):
may also remember a young woman who recently got married,
who met her husband on a dating app, and she
has cerebral palsy and talked about dating with disabilities. I
wanted to kind of revisit this again because I firmly
believe that everybody is worthy of love. Everybody deserves love.
(10:28):
We don't need to date down, so to speak, that
we can be cherished no matter who we are or
what are circumstances. My next guest knows that well. Her
name is Emily Goodson. She's an author, a keynote speaker,
and a former human resources leader, and she is working hard,
(10:49):
like me, to transform how we think about relationships and
our own self worth and connection. You might remember she
had a op ed in the La Times, an essay
that I remember reading very closely. I thought it was
beautiful and it was called I'm a disabled woman? Is
that a dating deal breaker? Our first book is coming
(11:11):
out soon. Welcome Emily Goodson, Hi Emily.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Hi doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
So I'm sure everyone wants to know a little bit
about your story, and thank you so much for sharing
the intimate side of your growth and development, and thank
you for being brave enough to share it with everybody.
So can we talk about your disability or, as my
previous guest used to call it, your different abilities? Yes?
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Absolutely? Should I just dive in Yeah, what happened. What happened? Well,
when I was eight years old, I had a brain injury,
so essentially something well a clump of blood bustles burst
in my brain stem and started bleeding.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
And was it is there something that happened on the
playground or it just happened.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
No, that's a great question. It just happened. It was
just random. I was traveling with my family and I
fell down and then pretty soon there after started to
lose control on the left side of my body. And
that's when they figured out something had happened, and so
(12:27):
it just you know, it started bleeding and and what
happened is I eventually had surgery to remove this little
clump so it wouldn't bleed again. But you know, as
a result of all of this, I became an am
partially paralyzed on the left side of my body. And
you know, I grew up and you know, was very
(12:50):
successful from a lot of standpoints, you know, as a
child and a teenager, and we learned to walk but
with a limp, and you know, a significant sort of
difference in lengths between my two legs, and I was
very successful in school. I was, you know, very successful.
(13:11):
You know, in college, internships, all of that, but I
was never successful in love or in dating. And you
know what I came to to find as an adult
is I had, you know, internalized a lot of shame
and a lot of stories about my disability and about
(13:33):
what that meant in terms of you know, worthiness and
how people were perceiving it.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
That was really in his and I'm sure it works.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
You know, I have a friend, doctor Eva Ritfo, who's
a psychiatrist, and and she wrote a book on beauty
at one point, and really talks a lot about internal beauty, right,
And what happens is whatever we believe about ourselves will
get reflected back to us by the environment.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
So can you give me an example of in the
early days, maybe a way you might have behaved or
thought that was reinforcing this low self esteem?
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Well, I, you know, I think the biggest one that
I'll share, and also, don't let me forget I have
a side note about Eva that I want to tell you.
I I you know, I think the biggest one was
I really struggled to express myself.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
And so.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
There were you know a lot of young men and
you know the older men eventually that I was interested
in romantically, and I think because I didn't feel worthy
and potentially, you know, because there weren't very many representations
(14:51):
of disabled love in society. You know, I didn't feel
worthy in voicing those interests and so, you know, I
really so.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
It's like you automatically put men in the friend zone
because you figured that's where they wanted you to be.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
That's interesting. Yes, yes, I think that's correct. Yeah, I
mean I would have said my answer to that. And
you know why I allude to my la times is
I felt like men always put me in the friend zone.
But you're right, I put myself there because I wasn't
always expressing my interest or showing my interest.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
So when we come back, we're going to go for
a short break. I want to hear about what shifted
inside you and how that changed your life. And I
also want to talk about your new book coming out
called Dating Disability Fifteen Stories of dealing with the BS
and building confidence. My guest is Emily Goodson. Thank you
(15:45):
for being here. Let's go to break and we'll be
right back. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Wall Show on
KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
My guest Emily Goodson, a keynote speaker and author, a
former HR leader who is transforming the way we think
about self esteem, our intimate relationships, and people with disabilities. Emily,
thanks again for joining us. She explained to us that
she suffered a brain injury as a child, is partially
(16:22):
paralyzed on the left side of her body. Tended to
put men in the friend zone. Would I be correct,
Emily to say that while these men put you in
the friend zone, whoever put whoever in there, it was
a safe place, right, It was a safe place for you.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
So what changed?
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Yes, I decided I didn't want to be safe. And
I think what happened is I had had enough. And
you know, I moved to California. I grew up on
the East Coast forever and or forever for my teenage
and young adult year, my twenties, and then moved to
(17:02):
California right before the pandemic to start my own business
as doing HR consulting. And you know, I think when
that pandemic hit all of us, myself included did you know?
So much reflecting? And you know, I really started to
take a hard look with them inside myself, and I
knew this was something I really wanted. Like I knew
(17:24):
I wanted partnership and I wanted a committed romantic relationship.
And so that, you know what changed is I decided
things needed to change. And so I found a coach
that I started working with and she really helps me
uncover what I needed to and start to express myself better.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
And how did it go? How did the dating go?
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Oh? My, how did the dating go? Well? It went great,
I mean, I you know, I mean it was very
scary and very emotional, and you know, I would.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
You tell did you meet people on dating apps?
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Mostly in person? I have never really cared for dating apps.
I've tried them here and there, but I prefer to
meet people in person. And so the men I met
after I worked with my coach, almost all of them
I met in person.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
And where did you I know everyone's going to ask
is like, where do you go to meet people?
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Now?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Are you in bars and restaurants, Starbucks? Grocery stores?
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Actually? Actually, doctor, I have a great story for you.
I was thinking of this over the weekend because I
meet people. One of the best ways I meet men
right now is walking down the street and wearing a
ball cap.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
And I'm not kidding what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
The men, men straight men love baseball caps. So I
especially if you.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Happen to be wearing their team. Is it a Yankee hat?
Speaker 2 (18:59):
No? No, I I wear a Dodgers hat like And
this is the thing, is I wear a Dodgers hat
in New York. And so either they love the Dodgers
and they're stopping me for that reason, or they're stopping
me because they have something to say about how much
better the Yankees are than the Dodgers. But I mean,
it's without fail, I'm telling you it is. It is
(19:20):
a good a good little wife trick.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Oh interesting, And I used to tell women to just
go take a golf lesson and go to a hockey game.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Yourself a baseball hat.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
I'm telling you that is good news. So are you
in a relationship now, Emily, No, I'm not. But you're
still having fun on the dating scene, and you seem
to have lost a lot of your apprehension about it.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
All exactly, and that's that's what's most important.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
So let's talk about your book. You have a book
coming out soon called Dating Disability, fifteen stories of dealing
with the BS and building confidence. Where did these fifteen
stories come about? Are they all about your life or
did you interview other people? Tell me about the book?
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Great question. They're all about my life. The first eight
are stories of sort of how I built this unhealthy
inner narrative around myself and around dating and around sexuality,
quite honestly, and then the next seven are how I
broke out of that, so stories of working with my coaches,
(20:28):
and stories of expressing myself to men and having more
productive like encounters. And then it concludes with takeaways for
people who want to date, people who are working on themselves,
and parents children with physical disabilities, and I also have
some takeaways for my haters in case they exist.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
You know, it sounds like this book Dating Disability has
some jewels of wisdom for even people who do not
have physical disabilities but may have low self esteem and
be afraid to put themselves.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Out there a hunter versa. Because at the end of
the day, that's really what it's about, is it's about
me building better self worth and confidence in myself and
in expressing my needs, and you know I speak One
of the groups I particularly enjoy speing to is middle
and high schoolers, and you know, they are at such
(21:29):
an important age, you know, to work on self worth
and growth and confidence. And so I think there are
a lot of gems in there for you know, people
who you know just need some extra support, you know,
and growing and being they who they're meant to be.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
So besides the baseball cap trick, can you share with
our listeners another jewel of wisdom that would help anybody
in the dating world?
Speaker 2 (21:56):
I yes, I feel like I could share a lot.
I think if I had to pick one is you
know I talk about this in the book, and I
this is something I borrowed from my Soul Cycle instructor
is to focus on getting one percent better. You don't
have to get ten percent better overnight, just have to
(22:18):
get one percent better each day. And that was something
I really judged myself harsh. I judged myself very harshly
for a number of years, which is not a good thing,
and many of us do it. And I remember, you know,
when I first started telling men who I was romantically
and sexually interested in that you know that I felt
(22:40):
that way I was really hard on myself of like,
why can't I have this conversation in person? Like I
sent a text? You know, why couldn't I have pushed
myself to do this in person? And that wasn't fair
that I wasn't being fair on myself to myself. And
I think, you know, we have to remember that, particularly
when we're have struggled with self esteem or have struggled
(23:02):
with self worth. You know, that's a lot to come
out the other side of. And bravo for anyone who
does that. And if you are just taking small steps,
like that's okay, you're going to get to a place
you know where I did, where you're you're not afraid
to just stay it on the phone to say like
I wanted you to kiss me or I want to
(23:22):
kiss you know you're you're going to get there, but
you're not going to get there overnight. And so yeah,
So I I really that one percent better applies to
a lot of things.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
Yes, I think we can all think about just getting
a little bit better every single day. Emily Goodson, you
said you had we have very little time left, but
you said you have a quick story about friend of
the show. Here, Doctor Iva Rittfoe, who's a psychiatrist in
Miami who've We've had on the show a number of
times in the past.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yes, I have. My portrait has been in two of
her photography exhibits for the Bold Beauty Project.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
That's right. She runs a charity called the Bold Beauty
Project where she has makeup artists and wardrobe people glam
up people with who may have physical disabilities and do
a beautiful photographic exhibit. I think her most recent one
was at UCLA in the spring.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Yeah, which was great. Oh well, I'm going to have
to look for your picture there. Emily Goodson. Where can
people get the book? The book is called Dating Disability
Fifteen Stories of dealing with the BS and building confidence.
Where can people get it?
Speaker 2 (24:24):
They can get it right now on my publisher's website,
which is called Amplify, and they'll be able to get
it later this fall and winter on Amazon and Barnes
and Noble and my website. Ecgodson dot com also has
full link and it has Amplify.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Amplify dot com is where they go.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Amplify dot com. Yeah, I think Amplify Publishing.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Yeah, okay, Emily, when you meet that guy, and you
guys get into a relationship, you have to promise to
come back on the show and tell us your love story.
I promise, thanks for being with us, and that brings
the Doctor Wendy Wall's Show to a close. It is
always my pleasure to be here every Sunday from seven
to nine pm. If you'd like to follow me on
(25:08):
my social media you certainly may. The handle is at
doctor Wendy Walsh. And if you miss any part of
the show, remember just download that iHeartRadio app. You can
listen to it anytime. Just just type in Doctor Wendy
Wall's Show, hit the preset button, and anytime something new happens,
you'll get a little ping. You have been listening to
the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty
(25:30):
or live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (25:33):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
You know, there's so much debate. I was talking recently
about an editorial in the New York Times. I'm a
guy who said, we focus so much on in our
love relationships, about what we get out of it. About
love love? You know, what do they do for me lately,
am I happy because they're doing an eye for me?
And the argument is that love is a verb, it's
(26:05):
an action word, and it is the verb to give,
and that this whole idea that you can't love somebody
else until you love yourself first may be a little crazy,
because loving somebody else and doing a good job of
it can help you look at yourself in a different light.
(26:27):
In other words, we can observe ourselves giving to somebody
else and as a result, love ourselves a little bit more.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
So.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
I don't always believe that you have to love yourself first. However,
of course, I read a new study this week that
I found very interesting. And what the study or the
title of it is called caring for yourself can lead
(26:58):
to happier relationship. Now, there's a big difference between self
care and selfishness. We're going to break that down in
a minute. The study, published in the journal called Personal Relationships,
looked at two hundred and nine heterosexual couples and the
(27:19):
results show, Okay, listen, ladies, I want to listen closely
that men in heterosexual relationships benefit a lot if their
partner is self compassionate, and the researchers learned that self
(27:40):
compassion is something that can be trained. Okay, so what
the heck is self compassion? According to the researchers, self
compassion is the act of having a caring, kind, and
attentive attitude towards oneself. Ashley in regard to our shortcomings,
(28:04):
in a word, learning to forgive ourselves. You know, when
I'm alone at my house, You're you're not gonna be
surprised to hear this. I talk to myself like out loud.
In fact, I'm worried sometimes that I'm gonna be like
out in public and still doing it. But I do.
I walk around and talk to myself. I have whole
conversations with myself, not like voices in the head, but
I'll be like, hey, Wendy, what are you making for dinner?
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Yeah, you said you were gonna, but you stopped and
you forgot to pick up the Oh darn, I forgot
to do that. I gotta. I literally talked about like
my thoughts are outside because I'm home alone, and it's
just it's a way. Okay, I'm an external processor, but
I noticed recently that my self talk is getting more forgiving.
(28:47):
Did you know when my kids were little we used
to have. They would laugh and I created the stupid
saying that I'll never do again. Dummy mummy, Oh, dummy mummy,
and they would say it to You're a dummy mummy,
or I made a dummy mummy mistake. Right, Whenever I'd
make a mistake, I thought, I don't want to feed
my brain that. I want to feed my brain. Well,
that was a hard thing. You didn't do perfect, but
(29:09):
it's going to be better next time, right. I want
to be able to forgive myself. Do you ever think
back in your life? I do this. Sometimes I will
have memories where I said something awful, embarrassing, did something embarrassing,
just felt bad about something. And these memories might become
(29:31):
intrusive thoughts. They just show up and I feel that
shame in my tummy. You get that little bile in
your stomach when you feel ashamed. And I used to
when these intrusive memories would show up, I would try
to push them out immediately. But now I do something different.
I literally say, wow, you got to where you are
(29:53):
in life because you learned all those important lessons. I
literally welcome the memories, but in instead of allowing the
outcome to be a feeling of total shame and embarrassment.
I literally say to myself, Wow, you managed to get
through that, and you didn't even know that much back then. Wow,
this is all the experiences that made you who you
(30:15):
are now. And this is the kind of self compassion
that we're talking about. Right, So what happens is it
makes you happy, but it also makes the partner happy
because the partner doesn't have to rescue you or attend
to you, or build your self esteem or be your cheerleader. Right. Instead,
(30:42):
you're a self contained person who has your own self esteem.
Because you're compassionate for yourself, it also allows you to
be more compassionate for another person, by the way, right,
The researchers also found that couples where at least one
partner practiced a lot of self compassion were able to
resolve conflicts easier because the big feelings of jealousy and
(31:07):
anger were really reduced. Right, So, if we can stop
and just look at ourselves and say, you know what,
I'm a human being, I'm trying, I'm getting there, I'm
I'm making some mistakes along the way, and I'm doing
better and better. This is what we need to do
and it will benefit our love relationships. So I just
(31:31):
encourage you to have really positive self talk because now
we have research to show that it not only benefits us.
Now again, that is very different from selfishness. Being self
compassionate means believing that you're a human being, and you're valuable,
and you're cool, and you make mistakes like every other
human being, and you can forgive yourself for those mistakes.
(31:55):
And you should know that even the most emotionally mature
like Dr Wendy Walsh sometimes sometimes have memories and intrusive
thoughts of mistakes we made, things we did wrong. Are
you surprised that it's my mouth who usually got me
into trouble?
Speaker 2 (32:11):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Huh it did anyway, Hi yea yi. That brings our
show to a close. It is always my pleasure to
be with you here every Sunday night, as I've been
for the last eleven years. And as a reminder, download
that iHeartRadio app and listen to this shows, back shows,
future shows if you can't be here exactly on Sundays,
(32:33):
But is always my pleasure to share the science of
love and interpersonal relationships with you. Thanks for being here,
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on
KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh, you can always
hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
(32:55):
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio well
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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