September 1, 2025 • 28 mins
Do we love backwards? Dr. Wendy has your answers. PLUS Summer isn't over yet but it will be soon enough. We got your tips to lift your spirits. It's all on KFIAM-640!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Welcome back to the Doctor w Wall Show. I'm am
six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I love
going through my Instagram dms once I get past all
the junk mail that get sent to me, because it's
just so nice to hear from listeners. Lis a reminder,
(00:28):
I always keep your identity a secret. I'm not going
to say your screen name or your name or whatever.
All right, here we go, Hi, doctor. I got sober
about five years ago. Congratulations. Oh, and I recently found
myself divorced. My wife said she liked me better when
I drank, but ultimately alcohol almost killed me. She would
(00:52):
say things about my sobriety like it was a bad thing. Yes,
I did change a lot, from the foods I ate
to working out. I was a former fighter. I went
back to boxing. She even disliked that I was getting
followers on Instagram because of it. When I would post
about my anniversary of my sobriety, she would get extremely
upset and ask why, like it was a bad thing.
(01:16):
He also says I didn't cheat at all, but she
left me and now I know she's talking to other people,
and my heart is completely broken. What advice can you
give me to accept things for what they are? Oh,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want to
(01:39):
remind everybody out there who is struggling or has struggled
with addiction that generally, any form of addiction is a
kind of mask that helps you manage feelings. It's a
way of self medicating. It sounds like after you got healthy,
(02:00):
you also got emotionally fairly healthy. But this is killing
you because you changed the system on her. She married
a drunk she could manage.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
She liked that.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
She didn't like that you were getting attention for being healthy,
or being on Instagram or being sober. That made her
feel deregulated. She's talking to other people to raise her
own self esteem. Because as you got more self esteem,
she started to lose her power over you, her ability
(02:38):
to control you. So she tried to control you with
her old ways, which was to insult you. Why are
you doing that on Instagram? Why are you celebrating your sobriety.
You are so much better when you were drinking, right,
She was trying to beat you down, And I want
you to know that giving up an addiction is probably
(02:58):
one of the hardest things a human can ever do
and their lifespan. I applaud you, I congratulate you, but
when you change, you change a system and everybody in
the system. I know you're sad, and I don't want
you to go back to your old tools for medicating
(03:19):
your sadness. I want you to talk to a licensed
therapist about other ways for you to learn to manage
your feelings. You're probably not going to get her back.
She you know she divorced you. I know it hurts,
and I know you have feelings of loss, and I
promise you a professional can help you find healthy ways
(03:40):
to manage those feelings. I want you to focus on you.
I want you to focus on what you created and
to keep celebrating yourself because you did a very hard thing,
and in fact, you're continuing to do it. Every day
you get up and you don't drink, and I am
(04:01):
very proud of you. And you've got to somehow find
a way to just let her go because she is
not healthy for you. She was part of your old life,
your old life of addiction. She's not your future, and
I see a bright future for you, So really reach
out to a licensed therapist, get some tools. This is
(04:24):
time for you to find somebody who loves you just
for you, not you as a drinker. But thank you
for sharing that so sensitive. All right, here's another one,
Doctor Wendy, the lady I live with dominates talking. Oh
are you living with me? Dominates talking? And I can't
respond or take notes. So when she's finished, I've forgotten
(04:47):
what she said and I don't get any word in
What do I do to stop this domination? You use
the word domination twice in that there is research to
show that women use more words in the run of
a day than men do. That's just a fact. But
if she's not stopping to listen, if she's not stopping
(05:10):
to take in your reaction, the other thing that might
be a mismatch besides the number of words is processing speed.
It sounds like she has very fast processing speed and
you are trying to keep up. And remember doesn't mean
you're dumb. Doesn't mean you're dumb, It means you're processing
speed is a little bit slower. I think this is
(05:31):
the conversation you need to have with her on a
day when she's not talking. Her head off and making
you crazy at a cozy time. You need to say
to her, I always begin with love, right, I love
you so much and I love that you have so
much to say. I want to participate more in our conversations.
(05:54):
But it feels like, don't use the word dominate. I
was going to freak her out. It feels like you
add so much to the conversation that I can't get
a word in edgewise, and I'm trying to keep up
with you because you are so quick. See, it's all
compliments buried there, so she doesn't get defensive, right, So
just say that and say, how can we find a
(06:14):
way for me to be able to interject? A way
for us to have more reciprocity? Yeah, use that word,
and for me to be able to fully hear you
and understand what you're trying to convey. See, you're basically
giving her the reward. How can I understand you better?
Is what you're asking. Yeah, good luck with that. Look,
(06:39):
as I said earlier, I was watching that whole podcast
with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelcey, and she talks all
over him. I know she's a billionaire because she gets
to no but he seemed pleased, sheepish, and he was laughing.
All right. Moving on, dear doctor Wendy. I'm a fifty
four year old man. I've been dating a forty nine
year old woman for two months. She is married to
(07:02):
an eighty four year old man with dementia. The age
difference makes no sense to me as to why they
got married to start with. Should I walk away from this?
She and I get along great and have so much fun.
I'm bothered that she's married to such an older person.
He's older than my father. Okay, let's stop here for
(07:22):
a minute. There are some other things we need to
unpack besides the age difference in her marriage. The first
thing is she's married. Okay, okay, I just need to
get that out. She's married. I understand what it is
to be a caregiver, especially to somebody deep in dementia.
I know a number of people who spouses are deep
(07:44):
in dementia do not even recognize them anymore. They're in
a memory care facility, and as a result, that caregiver
needs love and attention to. Now, somebody listening out there
might be like, now it's in mor it's sickness or health.
You're supposed to stay again. I'm not suggesting that this
forty nine year old woman divorce her husband. I'm saying
(08:06):
that I think personally that it's okay for her to
have a side relationship to comfort her, to get some
of her needs met. Okay, that's the first thing. Second
thing is, I don't know how long they've been married.
I mean, if they're let's say in the thirty five
years age difference. What if he was fifty and she
(08:30):
was twenty five. I know a family like that actually,
and she is caring for him. Now it's a gift.
Sometimes it's a gift. It is not for us to judge. Now,
I'm wondering if underneath this whole, like what what she
seeing an old man is. Maybe you're worry that she's
(08:54):
going to take advantage of you, That she took advantage
of him in some way. Maybe she took his money. Hey,
money is an act of love. Maybe she gave back
in love in other ways. Right, we can't judge a
relationship that we have not been inside of. But for
some reason it is scaring you, right, just age difference
(09:15):
is scaring you. Look, now she's with a relative peer
you and the most important thing that I got from
your message is she and I get along great and
have so much fun. Can you leave it there? I
think that's what you need to do. Leave it there,
(09:38):
all right? We have to go to break. You are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show ONKFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to
the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty,
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, I have
been talking about the science of love for quite a
few decades now, and mostly my I desire to speak
(10:01):
about this topic came from the healing work that I
did as a young woman. Because I had so many
bad relationships, so many painful relationships, I had what I
think might have been called an anxious ambivalent attachment style.
I was highly attracted to bad boys, commitment phobes, people
(10:24):
that were distant, and I was the come closer, come closer,
begging for closeness and attention, and then if they showed up,
I was the go away. That's too much, right. I
was the push pull person.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
So one of the.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Reasons I talk a lot about protecting yourself from the
dangers or the predatory behavior of some lovers is because
I know that one in three American women have suffered
some kind of abuse in their childhood, and most often
that abuse came at the hand of someone they loved.
(11:02):
So as a result, they've got this model, this idea
for love in their head that is mixed with pain.
And so I personally believe that one of the keys,
not all, but one of the keys to finding and
keeping a healthy relationship is being very discerning at the beginning,
paying attention to early signs, you might call them red flags,
(11:25):
so that you can say, no, I don't deserve this.
But it feels like our whole culture has jumped on
this bandwagon for every kind of love relationship, and it
feels like the conversation has become what's in it for me?
And are you a bad person? Right? There was an
(11:49):
editorial this week in the New York Times by one
of my favorite writers, David Brooks. If you don't read him,
he's a long time New York Times columnist, He's a
best selling author. He most often comments on political and
cultural issues, and he talks about American society, our morals,
and human connection. This particular editorial, this week was riveting
(12:14):
to me, and it was simply called you should look
it up. The wrong definition of love, the wrong definition
of love. And in it, Brooks argued that today we
wrongly define love in terms of how another person makes
(12:34):
us feel, and that for some reason, our whole culture
is focused on self comfort rather than what we can
give to another person. Now, I do want to say
that there is a big difference between lust and love,
and many people, especially young people, are completely confused about
(12:57):
this evolution design lustful feelings, that delicious cocktail of neural
hormones that make you just want to be near somebody
over and over and over and maybe even have his
X with them over and over and over to initiate
the bond. But that's not love. And I hear people say, oh,
you know, they were so great and then I fell
(13:18):
out of love. You didn't fall out of love. You
forgot to fall in love in the first place. You
fell out of lust. Right. So one of the things
that David Brooks emphasized in that editorial was something that
I know in my heart, and I was reminded of
(13:40):
that love is a verb. It's an action word. It
is the verb to give as Brooks says love should
uplift others. The feeling of love is an intellectual decision
to enhance the life of some one else. It's not
(14:02):
about just feeling good about yourself, like how do they
make me feel? Right? It's not, you know. He also
talks about what went on earlier in our culture, right
that love was viewed as this powerful force that transcended selfishness.
(14:25):
It was rooted in admiration for the beloved. As I
talked about earlier with Travis and Taylor. One of the
things they showcase so well is there admiration for another.
But right now we're in this place where this cultural
shift to what have you done for me lately? And
(14:48):
to basically ask yourself, do I feel good when I'm
with this person? You know, there was this part in
the editorial that I loved him. I'm gonna paraphrase because
I don't exactly, but he said something like instead of
learning to love ourselves first, we will love ourselves when
(15:10):
we observe ourselves being loving and giving to others. Right.
So I want to underscore the fact that although I
talk about red flags and be careful, and you know,
there are predatory men out there, and there's financial abuse,
(15:31):
and there are crazy women out there, guys designed to
you know, hurt you. Whatever. That is talking to a
narrow audience of people who had some trauma in their
childhood and as a result, they've got a bad picker. Right.
A therapist might say they have an anxious attachment style
(15:53):
and they chase after people who cannot love them back.
So I stand by what I say. At the very
beginning of a relationship, people have to be a little
more discerning. Right, You've got to be careful, but do
not fault yourself because you're a giver, because that is
(16:13):
what love is. Love is a kind of sacrifice, but
a joyful sacrifice. In fact, what two people can accomplish
together is far more greater than what any individual can
accomplish alone, and so therefore there is an ultimate payoff
(16:37):
to all this giving. I will say that I am
in a secure, loving relationship. Both my husband and I
put each other's needs first, and when I do that,
put his needs above mine, I end up being the beneficiary. Somehow,
(17:01):
I feel good about myself forgiving. I also enjoy my
time with him, I enjoy seeing him happy. I love
myself when I'm a loving person. And so I want
to caution people out there who basically define love as
(17:21):
how does that person make me feel? Or what does
that person do for me? Or what boundaries can I
put up so that they don't trod all over my
precious sense of self. I think we need to get
rid of that now. Again, Yes, be discerning at the beginning.
(17:41):
Don't forget to be discerning at the beginning. Yes, if
you have a problem giving so much loving behavior to
people who don't want it, or aren't reciprocal or can't
give it back, then you've got to work on that.
But for the rest of us, it's a boundless amount
(18:02):
of love that we have inside of ourselves. It will
continue to flow if we keep making the intellectual decision
to give. Wasn't it JFK who said, ask not what
you can do for your country, or ask not what
your country can do for you, but what you can
do for your country. I say that about our relationships.
(18:24):
Ask not what your relationship can do for you, but
what can you do for your relationship. When I hear
people say I'm just bored in my relationship, and I say,
what are you doing to make it not boring? Then? Right,
what are you doing to show the person you are
with that you admire them, you are grateful for them.
(18:47):
You are there to help them succeed, not compete with them.
That is what love is, and I want all of
you to experience it at some point. Hey, when we
come back, if you're in the odd down mood, I
went to the science textbooks and I found a couple
of ways that we can all help ourselves feel a
(19:09):
little bit better. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show and KFI AM six forty we Live Everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Waldshow Everywhere on the
iPhone radio app. The song stretch of the shows to
give you a little bit of a feel good take
home news you can use, tools you can have fun with.
I want to say this. We all have down moments, right,
(19:45):
we all have a time. I mean, I woke up
this morning actually and the first thought, I have a
lot of insight. So I hear my thoughts in my head,
not like that, not like I'm hearing voices, but like
I wake up in the morning and I pay attention
to what that voice in my head head is saying,
and it literally said, Oh God help me. Can you
believe it? Oh God help me. That's what I heard
(20:07):
inside my head, and I realized that I was feeling something.
I won't disclose it to you, but there's something going
on in the background of my life. And I was like,
I got to attend to this. So we all have
times where we feel sad, angry, afraid, negative feelings, negative emotions.
(20:28):
I want to remind you that emotions are messengers. They're
either telling you, hey, something's got to change here, or
they're telling you do more of this. This is a
good thing, but not too much if it's that kind
of feeling, if it's fake anyway. So we're supposed to
experience a rainbow of emotions. But for some people, because
(20:52):
we're all a genetic being, there are people who naturally
go to the depressant side or the pessimistic side, the
side of oh woe is me? And sometimes it's genetic.
You can have a gene for anxiety and depression more
than others. I remember when I was in grad school
and we were learning about depression and we're going through
(21:13):
all the symptoms. And I remember the instructor said, so
for those people who do sometimes experience depression, and I
put up my hand, go excuse me. Is there anybody
on the planet who never feels depressed? And she said, yeah,
lots of people. And I was like, oh, I just
thought everybody felt that all the time, because I do sometimes. Anyway,
(21:36):
when you do feel that way, Now, obviously, if it's chronic,
you need to get therapeutic intervention. You need to get
in front of a clinician who has a license, and
you need to deal with it. But I'm talking about
the day to day. What can I do to feel
better today? So I took to the scientific journals, as
I am wont to do because I love reading the research.
(21:59):
And I found three studies that I really liked that
can actually create a little bit of a boost in
our day having to do with behaviors. Okay, the first
one is from researchers at UCSF San Francisco and UC Berkeley,
and what they found here's the prescription, according to the research,
(22:22):
is just five to ten minutes of small positive acts
acts as the key one. The behavior can actually lower
your stress and boost emotional control. So it might include
things like just jotting down a gratitude note. Yes, write
an email to that instructor who changed your life. Write
(22:46):
an email to some long lost friends saying I have
positive memories. Miss you, you know, to get together for
dinner every week, just you know, just reach out. Sometimes
it might be just literally. I know it sounds a
little silly, but pausing to watch a sunset giving someone
a genuine compliment. Hey, ladies of a certain age, if
(23:07):
you're out there, I want to say something. I love aging.
Here's why I love aging. You know, for years and
years and years, nobody could hear me talk, and I
had the same brain when I was young. But I
was so beautiful. I'm not joking. I just say it.
It's the truth. I was so beautiful when I was
young that the guys were so distracted they couldn't hear
what I was saying. So basically, my face finally grew
(23:28):
into my brain, which I love. But that doesn't mean
I don't have moments where I'm like, oh, I'm not
young and pretty anymore. Oh look at that young, pretty girl.
She must have such a nice life. So I have
noticed that when I see a particularly beautiful young woman
walking down the street alone on her way out to
(23:49):
a date or to meet some girlfriends or whatever, and
she's looking totally hot and she's all by herself. I
remember that feeling like people stare at you, and I
didn't like that feeling. I like to be stared at
by all those people. I just want to get to
the place where my hotness would pay off, not on
the street. And so now whenever I see one of
(24:09):
those young women, I always open my mouth and say,
you look so gorgeous, you look so great, and that
makes they always smile and say thank you. Nobody's ever said, well,
you're talking to me, lady, uh, And they always it
boosts their day. But more importantly, it boosts my day
because I no longer feel old beside them, I feel wise,
(24:33):
and I feel like I'm giving all this gratitude. So yes,
tiny joys, according to researchers at UCFC and UC Berkeley.
In fact, one participant in this particular study said that
she does a five minute joy walk when she's feeling down.
She says, I'm gonna go out and walk fast. I'm
gonna swing my arms, I'm gonna put a smile on
(24:55):
my face, a joy walk, and it became the best
part of her day. Do you want to know what
I I did after I had that voice in my head.
Of course, I got in touch with what the problem was.
But unfortunately there was no solution to this particular problem
this morning, so there's nothing I could do about it.
So I said to my husband, can we please drive
to a you pick flower farm? Let's find one somewhere.
(25:18):
I just want to go and be in somebody else's garden.
That turned out okay, and I want to pick flowers.
And that's what we did. And then I came home
and arranged them. Oh felt so good.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
All right.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Number two. Second thing you could do money habits. Now.
I don't know if you're like me, but money can
bring you stress even if you have it. You don't
have it. You can pay the bills, you can't pay
the bills. Just sitting down at the computer or opening
the mail and writing the checks is stressful. Right. Well,
This study out of the University of South Australia tracked
more than seventeen thousand people for twenty years. That's a
(25:52):
major study, and they discovered that even modest financial practices
like automating ten dollars into your savings every week, or
paying down a single credit card help people sleep better,
think more clearly, and feel less stress. In fact, one
guy in the study who's a dad, said that his
(26:13):
debt payoff plan was like an antidepressant in disguise. So
I do that. I went onto my banks. It's all
automated now, and I take certain accounts, and I just
take certain amount of money that goes into a little
savings or money market account or something. It's not even
a lot. I don't even notice it disappear. But every
once in a while when I'm feeling down, I go
(26:34):
to that other account. I'm like, huh, how'd all that
money get there? And I get this boost. So money
habits are good. Finally, you can, actually, I'm gonna say
this gently, you can actually reduce anxiety and depression if
you can't afford a therapist by talking to a chatbot.
(26:57):
And I'm gonna say carefully, you know, I'm really against
those chatbots and how they just on you. But sometimes
a little fawning if you are neurotypical, if you're not
suffering from a major mental illness, if you just want
to go on and be uplifted. Ask it a few
little questions about yourself or your day, or to cheer
you up, and you'll be amazed. What can happen. I
(27:17):
would rather pick the three small joys every day. Just
do it. Gratitude, kindness, nature breaks all. That is what
we need to do. Remember, good moods and good mental
health aren't something that shows up from outside you. It's
got to come from inside and you got to do something.
And these little micro habits hopefully can help you out.
(27:40):
They helped me out. Hey, I guess we're near the end.
That's what happens. It's always my pleasure to be with
you every Sunday from seven to nine. You can follow
me on my social media whenever, awharever you like. The
handle everywhere is at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
But I'm always here for you on KFI. You've been
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
(28:03):
six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, You've been
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us
live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine
pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Welcome back to the Doctor w Wall Show. I'm am
six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I love
going through my Instagram dms once I get past all
the junk mail that get sent to me, because it's
just so nice to hear from listeners. Lis a reminder,
(00:28):
I always keep your identity a secret. I'm not going
to say your screen name or your name or whatever.
All right, here we go, Hi, doctor. I got sober
about five years ago. Congratulations. Oh, and I recently found
myself divorced. My wife said she liked me better when
I drank, but ultimately alcohol almost killed me. She would
(00:52):
say things about my sobriety like it was a bad thing. Yes,
I did change a lot, from the foods I ate
to working out. I was a former fighter. I went
back to boxing. She even disliked that I was getting
followers on Instagram because of it. When I would post
about my anniversary of my sobriety, she would get extremely
upset and ask why, like it was a bad thing.
(01:16):
He also says I didn't cheat at all, but she
left me and now I know she's talking to other people,
and my heart is completely broken. What advice can you
give me to accept things for what they are? Oh,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want to
(01:39):
remind everybody out there who is struggling or has struggled
with addiction that generally, any form of addiction is a
kind of mask that helps you manage feelings. It's a
way of self medicating. It sounds like after you got healthy,
(02:00):
you also got emotionally fairly healthy. But this is killing
you because you changed the system on her. She married
a drunk she could manage.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
She liked that.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
She didn't like that you were getting attention for being healthy,
or being on Instagram or being sober. That made her
feel deregulated. She's talking to other people to raise her
own self esteem. Because as you got more self esteem,
she started to lose her power over you, her ability
(02:38):
to control you. So she tried to control you with
her old ways, which was to insult you. Why are
you doing that on Instagram? Why are you celebrating your sobriety.
You are so much better when you were drinking, right,
She was trying to beat you down, And I want
you to know that giving up an addiction is probably
(02:58):
one of the hardest things a human can ever do
and their lifespan. I applaud you, I congratulate you, but
when you change, you change a system and everybody in
the system. I know you're sad, and I don't want
you to go back to your old tools for medicating
(03:19):
your sadness. I want you to talk to a licensed
therapist about other ways for you to learn to manage
your feelings. You're probably not going to get her back.
She you know she divorced you. I know it hurts,
and I know you have feelings of loss, and I
promise you a professional can help you find healthy ways
(03:40):
to manage those feelings. I want you to focus on you.
I want you to focus on what you created and
to keep celebrating yourself because you did a very hard thing,
and in fact, you're continuing to do it. Every day
you get up and you don't drink, and I am
(04:01):
very proud of you. And you've got to somehow find
a way to just let her go because she is
not healthy for you. She was part of your old life,
your old life of addiction. She's not your future, and
I see a bright future for you, So really reach
out to a licensed therapist, get some tools. This is
(04:24):
time for you to find somebody who loves you just
for you, not you as a drinker. But thank you
for sharing that so sensitive. All right, here's another one,
Doctor Wendy, the lady I live with dominates talking. Oh
are you living with me? Dominates talking? And I can't
respond or take notes. So when she's finished, I've forgotten
(04:47):
what she said and I don't get any word in
What do I do to stop this domination? You use
the word domination twice in that there is research to
show that women use more words in the run of
a day than men do. That's just a fact. But
if she's not stopping to listen, if she's not stopping
(05:10):
to take in your reaction, the other thing that might
be a mismatch besides the number of words is processing speed.
It sounds like she has very fast processing speed and
you are trying to keep up. And remember doesn't mean
you're dumb. Doesn't mean you're dumb, It means you're processing
speed is a little bit slower. I think this is
(05:31):
the conversation you need to have with her on a
day when she's not talking. Her head off and making
you crazy at a cozy time. You need to say
to her, I always begin with love, right, I love
you so much and I love that you have so
much to say. I want to participate more in our conversations.
(05:54):
But it feels like, don't use the word dominate. I
was going to freak her out. It feels like you
add so much to the conversation that I can't get
a word in edgewise, and I'm trying to keep up
with you because you are so quick. See, it's all
compliments buried there, so she doesn't get defensive, right, So
just say that and say, how can we find a
(06:14):
way for me to be able to interject? A way
for us to have more reciprocity? Yeah, use that word,
and for me to be able to fully hear you
and understand what you're trying to convey. See, you're basically
giving her the reward. How can I understand you better?
Is what you're asking. Yeah, good luck with that. Look,
(06:39):
as I said earlier, I was watching that whole podcast
with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelcey, and she talks all
over him. I know she's a billionaire because she gets
to no but he seemed pleased, sheepish, and he was laughing.
All right. Moving on, dear doctor Wendy. I'm a fifty
four year old man. I've been dating a forty nine
year old woman for two months. She is married to
(07:02):
an eighty four year old man with dementia. The age
difference makes no sense to me as to why they
got married to start with. Should I walk away from this?
She and I get along great and have so much fun.
I'm bothered that she's married to such an older person.
He's older than my father. Okay, let's stop here for
(07:22):
a minute. There are some other things we need to
unpack besides the age difference in her marriage. The first
thing is she's married. Okay, okay, I just need to
get that out. She's married. I understand what it is
to be a caregiver, especially to somebody deep in dementia.
I know a number of people who spouses are deep
(07:44):
in dementia do not even recognize them anymore. They're in
a memory care facility, and as a result, that caregiver
needs love and attention to. Now, somebody listening out there
might be like, now it's in mor it's sickness or health.
You're supposed to stay again. I'm not suggesting that this
forty nine year old woman divorce her husband. I'm saying
(08:06):
that I think personally that it's okay for her to
have a side relationship to comfort her, to get some
of her needs met. Okay, that's the first thing. Second
thing is, I don't know how long they've been married.
I mean, if they're let's say in the thirty five
years age difference. What if he was fifty and she
(08:30):
was twenty five. I know a family like that actually,
and she is caring for him. Now it's a gift.
Sometimes it's a gift. It is not for us to judge. Now,
I'm wondering if underneath this whole, like what what she
seeing an old man is. Maybe you're worry that she's
(08:54):
going to take advantage of you, That she took advantage
of him in some way. Maybe she took his money. Hey,
money is an act of love. Maybe she gave back
in love in other ways. Right, we can't judge a
relationship that we have not been inside of. But for
some reason it is scaring you, right, just age difference
(09:15):
is scaring you. Look, now she's with a relative peer
you and the most important thing that I got from
your message is she and I get along great and
have so much fun. Can you leave it there? I
think that's what you need to do. Leave it there,
(09:38):
all right? We have to go to break. You are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show ONKFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to
the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty,
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, I have
been talking about the science of love for quite a
few decades now, and mostly my I desire to speak
(10:01):
about this topic came from the healing work that I
did as a young woman. Because I had so many
bad relationships, so many painful relationships, I had what I
think might have been called an anxious ambivalent attachment style.
I was highly attracted to bad boys, commitment phobes, people
(10:24):
that were distant, and I was the come closer, come closer,
begging for closeness and attention, and then if they showed up,
I was the go away. That's too much, right. I
was the push pull person.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
So one of the.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Reasons I talk a lot about protecting yourself from the
dangers or the predatory behavior of some lovers is because
I know that one in three American women have suffered
some kind of abuse in their childhood, and most often
that abuse came at the hand of someone they loved.
(11:02):
So as a result, they've got this model, this idea
for love in their head that is mixed with pain.
And so I personally believe that one of the keys,
not all, but one of the keys to finding and
keeping a healthy relationship is being very discerning at the beginning,
paying attention to early signs, you might call them red flags,
(11:25):
so that you can say, no, I don't deserve this.
But it feels like our whole culture has jumped on
this bandwagon for every kind of love relationship, and it
feels like the conversation has become what's in it for me?
And are you a bad person? Right? There was an
(11:49):
editorial this week in the New York Times by one
of my favorite writers, David Brooks. If you don't read him,
he's a long time New York Times columnist, He's a
best selling author. He most often comments on political and
cultural issues, and he talks about American society, our morals,
and human connection. This particular editorial, this week was riveting
(12:14):
to me, and it was simply called you should look
it up. The wrong definition of love, the wrong definition
of love. And in it, Brooks argued that today we
wrongly define love in terms of how another person makes
(12:34):
us feel, and that for some reason, our whole culture
is focused on self comfort rather than what we can
give to another person. Now, I do want to say
that there is a big difference between lust and love,
and many people, especially young people, are completely confused about
(12:57):
this evolution design lustful feelings, that delicious cocktail of neural
hormones that make you just want to be near somebody
over and over and over and maybe even have his
X with them over and over and over to initiate
the bond. But that's not love. And I hear people say, oh,
you know, they were so great and then I fell
(13:18):
out of love. You didn't fall out of love. You
forgot to fall in love in the first place. You
fell out of lust. Right. So one of the things
that David Brooks emphasized in that editorial was something that
I know in my heart, and I was reminded of
(13:40):
that love is a verb. It's an action word. It
is the verb to give as Brooks says love should
uplift others. The feeling of love is an intellectual decision
to enhance the life of some one else. It's not
(14:02):
about just feeling good about yourself, like how do they
make me feel? Right? It's not, you know. He also
talks about what went on earlier in our culture, right
that love was viewed as this powerful force that transcended selfishness.
(14:25):
It was rooted in admiration for the beloved. As I
talked about earlier with Travis and Taylor. One of the
things they showcase so well is there admiration for another.
But right now we're in this place where this cultural
shift to what have you done for me lately? And
(14:48):
to basically ask yourself, do I feel good when I'm
with this person? You know, there was this part in
the editorial that I loved him. I'm gonna paraphrase because
I don't exactly, but he said something like instead of
learning to love ourselves first, we will love ourselves when
(15:10):
we observe ourselves being loving and giving to others. Right.
So I want to underscore the fact that although I
talk about red flags and be careful, and you know,
there are predatory men out there, and there's financial abuse,
(15:31):
and there are crazy women out there, guys designed to
you know, hurt you. Whatever. That is talking to a
narrow audience of people who had some trauma in their
childhood and as a result, they've got a bad picker. Right.
A therapist might say they have an anxious attachment style
(15:53):
and they chase after people who cannot love them back.
So I stand by what I say. At the very
beginning of a relationship, people have to be a little
more discerning. Right, You've got to be careful, but do
not fault yourself because you're a giver, because that is
(16:13):
what love is. Love is a kind of sacrifice, but
a joyful sacrifice. In fact, what two people can accomplish
together is far more greater than what any individual can
accomplish alone, and so therefore there is an ultimate payoff
(16:37):
to all this giving. I will say that I am
in a secure, loving relationship. Both my husband and I
put each other's needs first, and when I do that,
put his needs above mine, I end up being the beneficiary. Somehow,
(17:01):
I feel good about myself forgiving. I also enjoy my
time with him, I enjoy seeing him happy. I love
myself when I'm a loving person. And so I want
to caution people out there who basically define love as
(17:21):
how does that person make me feel? Or what does
that person do for me? Or what boundaries can I
put up so that they don't trod all over my
precious sense of self. I think we need to get
rid of that now. Again, Yes, be discerning at the beginning.
(17:41):
Don't forget to be discerning at the beginning. Yes, if
you have a problem giving so much loving behavior to
people who don't want it, or aren't reciprocal or can't
give it back, then you've got to work on that.
But for the rest of us, it's a boundless amount
(18:02):
of love that we have inside of ourselves. It will
continue to flow if we keep making the intellectual decision
to give. Wasn't it JFK who said, ask not what
you can do for your country, or ask not what
your country can do for you, but what you can
do for your country. I say that about our relationships.
(18:24):
Ask not what your relationship can do for you, but
what can you do for your relationship. When I hear
people say I'm just bored in my relationship, and I say,
what are you doing to make it not boring? Then? Right,
what are you doing to show the person you are
with that you admire them, you are grateful for them.
(18:47):
You are there to help them succeed, not compete with them.
That is what love is, and I want all of
you to experience it at some point. Hey, when we
come back, if you're in the odd down mood, I
went to the science textbooks and I found a couple
of ways that we can all help ourselves feel a
(19:09):
little bit better. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show and KFI AM six forty we Live Everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Waldshow Everywhere on the
iPhone radio app. The song stretch of the shows to
give you a little bit of a feel good take
home news you can use, tools you can have fun with.
I want to say this. We all have down moments, right,
(19:45):
we all have a time. I mean, I woke up
this morning actually and the first thought, I have a
lot of insight. So I hear my thoughts in my head,
not like that, not like I'm hearing voices, but like
I wake up in the morning and I pay attention
to what that voice in my head head is saying,
and it literally said, Oh God help me. Can you
believe it? Oh God help me. That's what I heard
(20:07):
inside my head, and I realized that I was feeling something.
I won't disclose it to you, but there's something going
on in the background of my life. And I was like,
I got to attend to this. So we all have
times where we feel sad, angry, afraid, negative feelings, negative emotions.
(20:28):
I want to remind you that emotions are messengers. They're
either telling you, hey, something's got to change here, or
they're telling you do more of this. This is a
good thing, but not too much if it's that kind
of feeling, if it's fake anyway. So we're supposed to
experience a rainbow of emotions. But for some people, because
(20:52):
we're all a genetic being, there are people who naturally
go to the depressant side or the pessimistic side, the
side of oh woe is me? And sometimes it's genetic.
You can have a gene for anxiety and depression more
than others. I remember when I was in grad school
and we were learning about depression and we're going through
(21:13):
all the symptoms. And I remember the instructor said, so
for those people who do sometimes experience depression, and I
put up my hand, go excuse me. Is there anybody
on the planet who never feels depressed? And she said, yeah,
lots of people. And I was like, oh, I just
thought everybody felt that all the time, because I do sometimes. Anyway,
(21:36):
when you do feel that way, Now, obviously, if it's chronic,
you need to get therapeutic intervention. You need to get
in front of a clinician who has a license, and
you need to deal with it. But I'm talking about
the day to day. What can I do to feel
better today? So I took to the scientific journals, as
I am wont to do because I love reading the research.
(21:59):
And I found three studies that I really liked that
can actually create a little bit of a boost in
our day having to do with behaviors. Okay, the first
one is from researchers at UCSF San Francisco and UC Berkeley,
and what they found here's the prescription, according to the research,
(22:22):
is just five to ten minutes of small positive acts
acts as the key one. The behavior can actually lower
your stress and boost emotional control. So it might include
things like just jotting down a gratitude note. Yes, write
an email to that instructor who changed your life. Write
(22:46):
an email to some long lost friends saying I have
positive memories. Miss you, you know, to get together for
dinner every week, just you know, just reach out. Sometimes
it might be just literally. I know it sounds a
little silly, but pausing to watch a sunset giving someone
a genuine compliment. Hey, ladies of a certain age, if
(23:07):
you're out there, I want to say something. I love aging.
Here's why I love aging. You know, for years and
years and years, nobody could hear me talk, and I
had the same brain when I was young. But I
was so beautiful. I'm not joking. I just say it.
It's the truth. I was so beautiful when I was
young that the guys were so distracted they couldn't hear
what I was saying. So basically, my face finally grew
(23:28):
into my brain, which I love. But that doesn't mean
I don't have moments where I'm like, oh, I'm not
young and pretty anymore. Oh look at that young, pretty girl.
She must have such a nice life. So I have
noticed that when I see a particularly beautiful young woman
walking down the street alone on her way out to
(23:49):
a date or to meet some girlfriends or whatever, and
she's looking totally hot and she's all by herself. I
remember that feeling like people stare at you, and I
didn't like that feeling. I like to be stared at
by all those people. I just want to get to
the place where my hotness would pay off, not on
the street. And so now whenever I see one of
(24:09):
those young women, I always open my mouth and say,
you look so gorgeous, you look so great, and that
makes they always smile and say thank you. Nobody's ever said, well,
you're talking to me, lady, uh, And they always it
boosts their day. But more importantly, it boosts my day
because I no longer feel old beside them, I feel wise,
(24:33):
and I feel like I'm giving all this gratitude. So yes,
tiny joys, according to researchers at UCFC and UC Berkeley.
In fact, one participant in this particular study said that
she does a five minute joy walk when she's feeling down.
She says, I'm gonna go out and walk fast. I'm
gonna swing my arms, I'm gonna put a smile on
(24:55):
my face, a joy walk, and it became the best
part of her day. Do you want to know what
I I did after I had that voice in my head.
Of course, I got in touch with what the problem was.
But unfortunately there was no solution to this particular problem
this morning, so there's nothing I could do about it.
So I said to my husband, can we please drive
to a you pick flower farm? Let's find one somewhere.
(25:18):
I just want to go and be in somebody else's garden.
That turned out okay, and I want to pick flowers.
And that's what we did. And then I came home
and arranged them. Oh felt so good.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
All right.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Number two. Second thing you could do money habits. Now.
I don't know if you're like me, but money can
bring you stress even if you have it. You don't
have it. You can pay the bills, you can't pay
the bills. Just sitting down at the computer or opening
the mail and writing the checks is stressful. Right. Well,
This study out of the University of South Australia tracked
more than seventeen thousand people for twenty years. That's a
(25:52):
major study, and they discovered that even modest financial practices
like automating ten dollars into your savings every week, or
paying down a single credit card help people sleep better,
think more clearly, and feel less stress. In fact, one
guy in the study who's a dad, said that his
(26:13):
debt payoff plan was like an antidepressant in disguise. So
I do that. I went onto my banks. It's all
automated now, and I take certain accounts, and I just
take certain amount of money that goes into a little
savings or money market account or something. It's not even
a lot. I don't even notice it disappear. But every
once in a while when I'm feeling down, I go
(26:34):
to that other account. I'm like, huh, how'd all that
money get there? And I get this boost. So money
habits are good. Finally, you can, actually, I'm gonna say
this gently, you can actually reduce anxiety and depression if
you can't afford a therapist by talking to a chatbot.
(26:57):
And I'm gonna say carefully, you know, I'm really against
those chatbots and how they just on you. But sometimes
a little fawning if you are neurotypical, if you're not
suffering from a major mental illness, if you just want
to go on and be uplifted. Ask it a few
little questions about yourself or your day, or to cheer
you up, and you'll be amazed. What can happen. I
(27:17):
would rather pick the three small joys every day. Just
do it. Gratitude, kindness, nature breaks all. That is what
we need to do. Remember, good moods and good mental
health aren't something that shows up from outside you. It's
got to come from inside and you got to do something.
And these little micro habits hopefully can help you out.
(27:40):
They helped me out. Hey, I guess we're near the end.
That's what happens. It's always my pleasure to be with
you every Sunday from seven to nine. You can follow
me on my social media whenever, awharever you like. The
handle everywhere is at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
But I'm always here for you on KFI. You've been
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
(28:03):
six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, You've been
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us
live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine
pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Herd with Colin Cowherd
The Herd with Colin Cowherd is a thought-provoking, opinionated, and topic-driven journey through the top sports stories of the day.