September 15, 2025 • 28 mins
Hour 2- Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. PLUS we are talking to immigration attorney Hector Quiroga about how to save your marriage in this country if you are an immigrant. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio App. This is the section of the
shawl where I'm answering your relationship questions. If you've got
a question, send me a DM on Instagram at doctor
Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. All right, this one
came in from a listener. It's very sensitive topic, but
(00:33):
I feel I really need to address it, Doctor Wendy.
I've been dating a woman for three months. We recently
had our first intimate moment. She is very uncomfortable with
my body because I am uncircumcised. I am very comfortable
with my body, but she wants me to have it
done advice. Wow, you know what women.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Complain when men's say to them, I want you to
get a boob job or you need to lose weight,
and women say, isn't that terrible? He's asking me to
mutilate my body for his pleasure. And you know what,
this is the opposite. I mean, here, you are a
guy who's living life natural, the healthy natural way. I
(01:20):
assume you know about good hygiene. All good there, No, No,
do not mutilate your body and go through that pain
so a woman can visually. No, I just wouldn't do
that for anybody. That's my opinion. I wouldn't. If you're
comfortable with your body, she's got to get over it.
That sounds really critical. Oh makes me so mad. You know,
(01:45):
there's a there's a funny book called uh, I think
it's called why is the penis shape?
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Like this?
Speaker 1 (01:51):
And other stories for cocktail parties anyway, And did you
know that it is possible for an uncircumcised husband to
accidentally bring sperm home inside his appendage and give it
to his wife, And so she gives goes and gives
birth to a baby that's not hers, you know how,
(02:12):
because let's say the husband. Let's think this out. Can
a woman give birth to a baby where the father
is a man she's never had sex with? Yes, because
an uncircumcised man, if he's a cheating, philandering husband, this
is her husband. He goes and he has an affair
with a woman who's married to somebody else. So the
(02:35):
penis is shaped with like a plunger and a scraper,
and he scrapes out some of the other guy's sperm
brings it home accidentally. Yeah, it's possible. I don't know.
It's a little side a little side story. Thought i'd
share right there. Anyway. Hygiene's probably not your issue. But
don't go get surgery for her, all right? Moving along,
dear doctor Wendy. After a major fight, my boyfriend admit
(02:59):
it he doesn't believe in marriage. Well, I've always dreamed
of getting married. We're otherwise compatible, but this feels huge.
Should I stay and hope he changes or cut my losses?
Speaker 3 (03:13):
Now?
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Well, I want to say this. You did say that.
He said it after a major fight. You know, we
say things when we're mad that we don't mean at
other times. So you're going to have to bring up
the topic during another time. Okay, when you're all happy, happy, happy, right,
But you can't hang around and hope somebody changes, especially
(03:35):
if you're hoping to have kids and you have a
fertility window. So if you during a nice quiet time,
cozy time, get him to say again, I don't think
I'll ever get married. You need to believe him you
need to believe him and cut your losses. Definitely, don't
wait around for somebody to change. All right. Moving along,
dear doctor Wendy, we are expecting our first child. Yay, congratulations,
(03:58):
and I'm worried about how our relationship will change. Everybody
keeps telling us that things won't be the same. But
how do we keep our connection strong while stepping into
parented Okay, let me explain what's going on. So when
two grown adults look overtired, both of them look and
he and she's stressed about money, because that's what happens.
(04:19):
They look into that little bassinette and they see that
screaming baby. Their body remembers what it was like when
they were an infant, so they scream at each other
over the crib. No, don't pick them up. Pick them up.
They're too hot, they're too cold. You didn't change a diaper.
Write it's pinching. There's probably a thing. They're probably hungry,
(04:39):
they probably have gas. Walk them, don't walk them, and
they go at each other's throats. My therapist explained this
to me years ago when I had my first baby
and we were fighting over everything. She said, we project
onto the baby our experiences when we were a baby.
We don't remember them, but our bodies do. And it's
triggered by the trying of the baby because the baby
(05:01):
has the same tone as we did, because both our genes,
you know, blah blah blah. So I think you need
to anticipate this and you need to talk about it.
You need to say, hey, this is going to be rough.
What can we do to make sure that we stay
as a team, a united frontier. I mean, you are
becoming a little love triangle. You're both gonna love that baby, right.
(05:22):
Date night is good, but you don't have to You
can just get dressed up at home once in a
while and cook something different. It's gonna be rough. Relationships change,
but you also have to accept that change and it
comes back. It all comes back already. I think I
have time for one more, Dear doctor, Wendy. I have
been single for a long time, and when I do date,
(05:44):
I feel overwhelmed by the pressure to find quotations the
one I often don't even know what I'm really looking for.
How do I date with intention without overthinking every connection? Okay,
I'm going to just pull you off that crazy guilt
train there in that worry, because there's no such thing
(06:05):
as the one. In fact, if you have good relationship
skills and you have a good relationship with yourself, then
there will be many, many ones out there. So this
pressure that you've put on yourself is surprising to me.
I think one of the things you can do is
to simply tell yourself when you go out on whatever
(06:25):
date it may be, that you're simply going out to
have fun. You're not investigating whether this person will be perfect,
you're not overthinking it, you're not worried about what they
think of you. You're thinking about the experience that you're
gonna do together, whether it's trying a new restaurant, go
to a museum, a hike, whatever you're gonna do. Think
about the experience more than the date and this pressure
(06:46):
to find the one, because there's no such thing as
the one. And again, even the most monogamous of humans
may find that they have two or three long stance
of monogamy and their lifespan and some selection in between
that we call dating. And so even in your lifespan,
if you thought you found quote unquote the one, they
(07:08):
may not be forever. And that's okay. That is just life, right,
That's how human beings meet and mingle. But if this
anxiety really is crippling you and you're unable to date,
then I would definitely talk to a licensed therapist about it.
But my advice is have fun. Just think about dating
(07:31):
as enjoying new experiences with a stranger and thinking to yourself, Hey,
this stranger I'm about to meet might be a good
business contact, they might be a good friend, they might
be a good companion for this particular hobby, or they
might be somebody I get romantic with.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
But who knows.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Let's just stay open and curious. That's what you need
to do. Stay open and curious, all right. When we
come back, these are some interesting time times in America.
I don't know if you've seen the news, but President
Trump has ice all over the country trying to kick
people out, separating families, and it made me wonder about
(08:12):
engaged couples who might have green card applications, or married
couples with green card applications, and what the laws are
like now. And so when we come back, I actually
have an immigration lawyer who's going to help us understand
what the laws are in terms of immigration and marriage
and deportation, etc. So great conversation coming up. I can't
(08:35):
wait to meet him. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio App. I don't know how many of my
listeners know this, but I'm an immigrant. I'm an immigrant
from Canada in fact, and when I came I got
(08:59):
an immigration a term. I applied for various temporary visas.
I don't know, something called a J one h one.
I don't know if they had names. I had piece
of paper across borders. Eventually I applied for a Green card,
which many Americans don't know. It's a permanent resident, but
you can't vote. And after having two Green cards for
(09:19):
ten years each, I didn't like that I didn't have
a voice in the process. So then I applied to
become a citizen and it was so wonderful. My daughter,
I think she was about nine, came with me to
the Convention Center during my swearing in ceremony and I
registered to vote and it was such an honor to
(09:40):
be both an American and a Canadian, and I'm proud
to hold dual citizenship. So during that era, and when
I say era, I'm a little old, it was like
the eighties and nineties, right, People that I knew also
got married for romantic reasons, not fake marriages like that
movie Green Card, but like literally they have they're on
(10:00):
vacation in Florida, they meet somebody, they fall in love,
blah blah blah. And back then it was very easy
to just get married, apply for a work visa, et cetera.
Things are different now, and this is why I wanted
to invite on this very special guest Hector Kiroga. Hello, Hector,
how are you?
Speaker 3 (10:19):
Hello? Thank you? Thanks for having me. H.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
He's an immigration attorney, and I want to talk a
little bit about some of the obstacles today facing migrants
right who are marrying or part way through the process
of application. So how first of all, how have things changed?
You heard what I just described, right, And it used
(10:42):
to be that when you married somebody from America, you
had like I think, a temporary residency for two years
before you could apply for citizenship or apply to get
your Green card. Right, what is it now?
Speaker 3 (10:55):
So the process as to describate is similar in the
center that you life a for a GLENK card, and
if it's marriage based and a marriage is in more
than twenty four months, then they give you a temporary
residency card for twenty four months and then you get
to apply for another one after that periodic expires to
(11:18):
have a Tingier residency card that you can continue to renew,
or you may apply for citizenship if you qualify during
the prescribed times. That's kind of the process in a
nutshell as it is today. What is changed is how
you prove that, what evidence is needed, how based if
(11:42):
these interviews can get into a couples and relationships to
see if they are in fact legitimate or not, right.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Because we're not going to lie here. Plenty of people
do it as scams, right. There are Americans who will
accept money from somebody and marriage them in order to
and that's one of the reasons why I don't know,
if you remember, you've probably seen Hector that movie Green Card.
I think it was Andy McDowell and Gerard de Pardue,
and they did a fake marriage. But what they had
(12:13):
to do because it was a romantic comedy of course,
and it was Hollywood is they had to live together
in order to get to know each other so well
that they could pass the immigration interview. And you know
how Hollywood what they did, they made them of force
fall in real love. So by the time they got
to the interview, it was very authentic. But what kinds
of things does the immigration authority ask couples who have
(12:35):
been together ostensibly for twenty four months.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Well, they, as you said, there's enough fraught to have
them be suspicious, right, but it's just very small comparative
amount of relationships that hadly get me. So now just
as they had new administration began, they are reactivating different
let's let's call it policy within the department in USA
(13:04):
to proper home security to be checking on these couples.
And so, for example, they are requiring anyone to have
their social media accounts open, not set up to private,
so they could review their profiles to see where you
have a history with this person. That that that's interesting.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
So if you're if you have a fraudulent marriage and
the Immigration Department sees that you're posting pictures of you
and other people you're dating, that's not going to look good, right,
So they want to look for married couples who post
vacations together and dates together and things that they've been
doing for the last two years together.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
They look at that and if you and if you
are set up to private where they can't see it,
then that's suspicious. That kind of is a flag to
look why why is that happening? So, h there are
quite that they are going back to having some neighborhood visits, right,
so they can go talk to your neighbors, uh, to
(14:08):
people at work.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Well, that's kind of interesting because you know, in crowded
urban communities, a lot of neighbors don't even know each other. So,
I mean, I happen to live in very dense Venice Beach, California,
and I know all the neighbors all around me, and
if I ever had a problem, I just opened my
window and yell and somebody would come and help me.
But a lot of neighborhoods the neighbors don't even know.
(14:30):
So that makes it hard to prove that they're living
together as a married couple. I mean, do they just
say what cars have been in the driveway.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Or what cars have you hey, what have you seen?
Tom who's Tom. How is this guy here in this picture?
We never seen that individual here? Okay, well so to
the apartment manager that don't have a parking permit to
park here? We never seen him. Well that's the problem, right,
(14:59):
So they said the time things that that are busy.
Now it used to be just to just to confirm
the relationship, but now they're also looking at good moral
character issues, like you know, it's this person you know that,
do they volunteer? Do they do they do they do
things for the community? Are they are they uh you know,
do they have spitting tickets? And are they and if so,
(15:21):
do they pay them? Or that The whole moral character
thing is becoming very strong. It used to be before
the administration that they would only focus on that if
you had a crime, But now no, just just kind
of like more of a morality thing all around. Like
so things like I know this is kind of bad
on today, but you have a bad check, right, you
(15:42):
can still write a check. If the check is bad
or bounces, that could be evidence of the bad faith.
That could be evidence or your character not being uh
so desirable for the United States. And so they're looking
at all these things to find concept of the admissibility
and be able to deny it.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
And what about if they're really married versus roommates, because
two roommates could live together. And I've certainly heard cases
of gay men selling their marriageable rights to heterosexual women,
like how do they know that consummated their marriage?
Speaker 3 (16:19):
Yes, and so that's and and so again that is
that I think it's a lot of the crops of
the legal arguments sometimes, and that is marriage does look
different for different families. You may have somebody who truthfully
they are married, they have they believe to immororate, but
they because of school or work or in value in
(16:39):
the military, they might just be living separate and apart
and they haven't really been together in a household per se.
Can we say that that marriage is in legal or
now you've got sex same sex marriage? Right? Is that?
How does that look into this? And that is some
of the arguments we had with a little bit of prejudice.
(17:02):
And that is if you look at marriage as a
you know, a couple with a with a white house
and a picket fence and two dogs, and that's how
you most look then it's kind of it's kind of
difficult because most people you know, lives. Lives are different,
and so that and.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
There is no rule that says you have to be
having sexual relationships for it to be a marriage. You
can be legal, legally married. And you know, we know
people for because of health reasons or age or whatever,
they can't have sex. So that's not part of it necessarily, right.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
That's that's that well. I so it depends. That's interesting,
but it depends in some states the definition of a marriage.
The marriage has to be consummated, so the actual act
needs to happen. So even though you may go before
a pastor a preacher, they have the proper licenses, you're married,
but they have not consummated it, they might still be
(17:58):
able to anno that because that marriage might have never
been actually consulated. So it depends on stay law where
you are. And this is complex, makes everything so complex.
And that is family law is a state based in
the United States, so we got to look at each
state to define where that marriage was legal. So, for example,
in the state of Texas, a proxy is in fact
(18:20):
a valid way to get married. I cannot show up
to my wedding day, but I can say a proxy
send somebody else.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
I'll send my brother. He'll go, Hey, Hetcher, we have
to go to We have to go to a break.
But I want to continue this conversation because I want
to know specifically what California recognizes and also if any
member of a couple is detained by ICE, what should
they do. My guest is Hector ki Roga. He's an
immigration attorney specializing in marital immigration. You're listening to the
(18:47):
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty, but
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on ky
I am six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
My guest attorney Hector ki Roga, who is an immigration
attorney who specializes in that area of the law around marriage. Now,
before we went to the break, you were talking about
how in Texas they have a specific law where you
(19:20):
didn't have to show up at your wedding. You can
send a proxy and in some states you have to
consummate the marriage to make it legal. What do we
got here in California. What's our rule around marriage? What
constitutes you as a married person.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
Yeah. Typically most states, sorry California, you have to have
rite a license. You have to be available to mari,
so get single word. You can't be matri to another person.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
That's true.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
So you have to show that. You have to be
of age. H consent can be seventeen, sometimes can be
sixteen with a court order, and.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
A California you could be sixteen.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
With a court order or a part an. All consent
you have to have. That requirement needs to be.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
That scares me, that's my parents selling their daughters. Nonsense, WHOA,
that's scared.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
Yeah. So so there are little things. Obviously, if it's
below a certain ages, not even with I mean a
no core order will be ever granted. But typically is
when it gives you, uh the right to marry without
parental consent, and so that's kind of how that goes.
And it also has to be witness and so there's
gotta be witnesses to be able to sign and see
(20:31):
that there was an actual ceremony with the proper efficient
that had the proper proper license to be able to attend.
So that's that's typically what we look at. But again
when we had the question is the same sex marriage
for example, some states didn't recognizes some states do. So
then you have to get into that to see where
(20:53):
the marriage is valuid for immigration purposes, right.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Because immigration is a national law, and if you have
to be dependent on state laws, can you get around
that some.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
Way like correctly? Yeah? So that's that. Well, that's when
you need a lawyer to figure out does that work?
I mean there are some perstructions and we see things
all the time. I mean, second causing is first causings
they get separate? Is that well one personality costing is
the first causing? Is that marriage valid? It depends only
(21:25):
stay law, so stay safe. Maybe maybe they have to
be two degree separated. So there's a lot of little
family law issues that based on that state. Now, typically
you know, to adults that are single and that overage,
they just put to the county clerk house, they get
a license and then they get married and that's all
(21:45):
you need. But but again the government, the federal government
is going to be asking was this valid? Was it
done for improper purposes? Is this is this for immigration reasons?
And it open all sort of things.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Okay, I have a few more questions, So let's say
there's a couple they hired you or another immigration attorney
they have, they're engaged, they're about to be married, they're
figuring this all out. They get detained by ICE and
one is a citizen and one isn't. Do they have
any rights if they're engaged.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
So no use on that sort of your definition alone,
because engaged, when you're engaged, it's like coming of one made.
You know, you're kind of you're kind of moderate, or
you're not right. There's not right. There's not an engagement,
you know.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
I was watching a TikTok video the other day with
a like a dating coach guy, and he was saying,
a promise ring means nothing. There's no such thing as
a promise rings, like engagement doesn't mean marriage.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
But we have moderate people on Ice Attention. We've been
able to send h preachers to Ice Attention, get married
and then through the marriage percent defense to the deportation.
Now this is difficult, but it can be on now.
Once this happens, though, if somebody's in detention and a
matter wich happens is even more suspicious. Now the government
(23:11):
upset up and goes, wait a minute, you're not married,
and soon you.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Are as soon as you're detained, there goes yeahs.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
So you have to have really strong evidence of that
relationship to show that he was really in good faith.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
So what if there's a married couple who are married,
one was is an American citizen, the other naturalized became
an American citizen, and one of them has a criminal
history and is deported. Can they somehow get back together
because they're married and they're both Americans?
Speaker 3 (23:44):
Now, Well, if you so, deportation isn't Deportation can be cure.
In other words, it's not like the end. They are
waivers for the portation. Somebody who has been reported can
file a waiver. Typically they have to wait outside the
country for a pie time like ten years or yes,
(24:04):
it's a ten year thing, and then you can file
a waivers calling nine to twelve waiver to be able
to overcome that. So it's very severe in family is
because typically we're talking about tangier bands, like you can.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
The kids are grown by then that's too long exactly.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
Well, the position of organ is that you could go
with your family member to live in a different countries. Right,
You could live in Mexico, you can live in India,
you can leave.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
They could go as a couple to just self deport
so they don't have to deal with all the mass exactly.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
But that's very hard on families. That's just difficult to
get to that.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
So when I became an American, I very proudly took
my pledge of allegiance, studied for the exam, et cetera.
I America though, does not recognize, as far as I know,
dual citizenship, yet Canada does. So when I'm in one country,
I'm a due citizen. When I'm here, I'm just an American. Right,
(25:04):
help people understand what kind of loyalty they need to
pledge to the United States when they become a new American.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
Okay, well, so America does recognize dual citizenship as the
evercise it does, but it's only dual, so you can
only have two you cannot have three. And so that
is still the case. Now they are trying to change
this to a single one and then you would have
to renounce one or the other. However, even at that,
(25:36):
even recognizing that you're a citizing at the same country,
you do have to play a leg to the allegiance
to the flag of the United States. Be ready to
take arms if it needs to be to defend the
flag and defend the country and the concept of freedom
of the United City.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
I think a lot of Americans who are born here
and not naturalized don't even realize the contract. They're basically
assigning what. I had to stand up there, me, who
you never owned or held a gun in my life
and say that I would take up a gun on
behalf of this country. Oh, it was terrifying. I was
a mom with my kids and I had to.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
Say that, yeah, you you definitely have that. I mean,
we have all sorts of like requirements, right, Like just
when fort of the pandemic, the vaccine was required, right,
so you have to and so there's something that you
have to go and do that. It's pretty difficult. Now
you have to take a sam a city exam, an
(26:32):
English exam.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
It was easy.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
My fifth grader taught me how to do that exam.
Speaker 3 (26:37):
Yeah. They well, both times are fairly easy. One hundred
questions and you only you have to get like ten
correct Well, like one of the.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Questions is what color is the White House?
Speaker 3 (26:49):
It's like, yeah, the most difficult questions are more like
what are the names of your senators or the state.
That's important, you know, that kind.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Of represent we have. We're running out of time, but
this has been so fascinating and I'm sure many people
who are listening who may be going through green card
applications or citizenship applications through marriage could really use your services.
So his name is Hector Kei Roguck q u I
r og A. Did I say it right?
Speaker 3 (27:17):
Hector key rogt That is correct.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Thanks for being with us. That brings our show to
a close. It is always my pleasure to be with
you here every Sunday night, as I've been for the
last eleven years. And as a reminder, download that iHeartRadio
app and listen to this shows, back shows, future shows
if you can't be here exactly on Sundays. But is
always my pleasure to share the science of love and
(27:42):
interpersonal relationships with you. Thanks for being here you and
listening to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on KFI AM
six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've
been listening to Doctor Wendy Waals. You can always hear
us live on KFI amc ex forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
(28:04):
iHeartRadio app,
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio App. This is the section of the
shawl where I'm answering your relationship questions. If you've got
a question, send me a DM on Instagram at doctor
Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. All right, this one
came in from a listener. It's very sensitive topic, but
(00:33):
I feel I really need to address it, Doctor Wendy.
I've been dating a woman for three months. We recently
had our first intimate moment. She is very uncomfortable with
my body because I am uncircumcised. I am very comfortable
with my body, but she wants me to have it
done advice. Wow, you know what women.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Complain when men's say to them, I want you to
get a boob job or you need to lose weight,
and women say, isn't that terrible? He's asking me to
mutilate my body for his pleasure. And you know what,
this is the opposite. I mean, here, you are a
guy who's living life natural, the healthy natural way. I
(01:20):
assume you know about good hygiene. All good there, No, No,
do not mutilate your body and go through that pain
so a woman can visually. No, I just wouldn't do
that for anybody. That's my opinion. I wouldn't. If you're
comfortable with your body, she's got to get over it.
That sounds really critical. Oh makes me so mad. You know,
(01:45):
there's a there's a funny book called uh, I think
it's called why is the penis shape?
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Like this?
Speaker 1 (01:51):
And other stories for cocktail parties anyway, And did you
know that it is possible for an uncircumcised husband to
accidentally bring sperm home inside his appendage and give it
to his wife, And so she gives goes and gives
birth to a baby that's not hers, you know how,
(02:12):
because let's say the husband. Let's think this out. Can
a woman give birth to a baby where the father
is a man she's never had sex with? Yes, because
an uncircumcised man, if he's a cheating, philandering husband, this
is her husband. He goes and he has an affair
with a woman who's married to somebody else. So the
(02:35):
penis is shaped with like a plunger and a scraper,
and he scrapes out some of the other guy's sperm
brings it home accidentally. Yeah, it's possible. I don't know.
It's a little side a little side story. Thought i'd
share right there. Anyway. Hygiene's probably not your issue. But
don't go get surgery for her, all right? Moving along,
dear doctor Wendy. After a major fight, my boyfriend admit
(02:59):
it he doesn't believe in marriage. Well, I've always dreamed
of getting married. We're otherwise compatible, but this feels huge.
Should I stay and hope he changes or cut my losses?
Speaker 3 (03:13):
Now?
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Well, I want to say this. You did say that.
He said it after a major fight. You know, we
say things when we're mad that we don't mean at
other times. So you're going to have to bring up
the topic during another time. Okay, when you're all happy, happy, happy, right,
But you can't hang around and hope somebody changes, especially
(03:35):
if you're hoping to have kids and you have a
fertility window. So if you during a nice quiet time,
cozy time, get him to say again, I don't think
I'll ever get married. You need to believe him you
need to believe him and cut your losses. Definitely, don't
wait around for somebody to change. All right. Moving along,
dear doctor Wendy, we are expecting our first child. Yay, congratulations,
(03:58):
and I'm worried about how our relationship will change. Everybody
keeps telling us that things won't be the same. But
how do we keep our connection strong while stepping into
parented Okay, let me explain what's going on. So when
two grown adults look overtired, both of them look and
he and she's stressed about money, because that's what happens.
(04:19):
They look into that little bassinette and they see that
screaming baby. Their body remembers what it was like when
they were an infant, so they scream at each other
over the crib. No, don't pick them up. Pick them up.
They're too hot, they're too cold. You didn't change a diaper.
Write it's pinching. There's probably a thing. They're probably hungry,
(04:39):
they probably have gas. Walk them, don't walk them, and
they go at each other's throats. My therapist explained this
to me years ago when I had my first baby
and we were fighting over everything. She said, we project
onto the baby our experiences when we were a baby.
We don't remember them, but our bodies do. And it's
triggered by the trying of the baby because the baby
(05:01):
has the same tone as we did, because both our genes,
you know, blah blah blah. So I think you need
to anticipate this and you need to talk about it.
You need to say, hey, this is going to be rough.
What can we do to make sure that we stay
as a team, a united frontier. I mean, you are
becoming a little love triangle. You're both gonna love that baby, right.
(05:22):
Date night is good, but you don't have to You
can just get dressed up at home once in a
while and cook something different. It's gonna be rough. Relationships change,
but you also have to accept that change and it
comes back. It all comes back already. I think I
have time for one more, Dear doctor, Wendy. I have
been single for a long time, and when I do date,
(05:44):
I feel overwhelmed by the pressure to find quotations the
one I often don't even know what I'm really looking for.
How do I date with intention without overthinking every connection? Okay,
I'm going to just pull you off that crazy guilt
train there in that worry, because there's no such thing
(06:05):
as the one. In fact, if you have good relationship
skills and you have a good relationship with yourself, then
there will be many, many ones out there. So this
pressure that you've put on yourself is surprising to me.
I think one of the things you can do is
to simply tell yourself when you go out on whatever
(06:25):
date it may be, that you're simply going out to
have fun. You're not investigating whether this person will be perfect,
you're not overthinking it, you're not worried about what they
think of you. You're thinking about the experience that you're
gonna do together, whether it's trying a new restaurant, go
to a museum, a hike, whatever you're gonna do. Think
about the experience more than the date and this pressure
(06:46):
to find the one, because there's no such thing as
the one. And again, even the most monogamous of humans
may find that they have two or three long stance
of monogamy and their lifespan and some selection in between
that we call dating. And so even in your lifespan,
if you thought you found quote unquote the one, they
(07:08):
may not be forever. And that's okay. That is just life, right,
That's how human beings meet and mingle. But if this
anxiety really is crippling you and you're unable to date,
then I would definitely talk to a licensed therapist about it.
But my advice is have fun. Just think about dating
(07:31):
as enjoying new experiences with a stranger and thinking to yourself, Hey,
this stranger I'm about to meet might be a good
business contact, they might be a good friend, they might
be a good companion for this particular hobby, or they
might be somebody I get romantic with.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
But who knows.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Let's just stay open and curious. That's what you need
to do. Stay open and curious, all right. When we
come back, these are some interesting time times in America.
I don't know if you've seen the news, but President
Trump has ice all over the country trying to kick
people out, separating families, and it made me wonder about
(08:12):
engaged couples who might have green card applications, or married
couples with green card applications, and what the laws are
like now. And so when we come back, I actually
have an immigration lawyer who's going to help us understand
what the laws are in terms of immigration and marriage
and deportation, etc. So great conversation coming up. I can't
(08:35):
wait to meet him. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio App. I don't know how many of my
listeners know this, but I'm an immigrant. I'm an immigrant
from Canada in fact, and when I came I got
(08:59):
an immigration a term. I applied for various temporary visas.
I don't know, something called a J one h one.
I don't know if they had names. I had piece
of paper across borders. Eventually I applied for a Green card,
which many Americans don't know. It's a permanent resident, but
you can't vote. And after having two Green cards for
(09:19):
ten years each, I didn't like that I didn't have
a voice in the process. So then I applied to
become a citizen and it was so wonderful. My daughter,
I think she was about nine, came with me to
the Convention Center during my swearing in ceremony and I
registered to vote and it was such an honor to
(09:40):
be both an American and a Canadian, and I'm proud
to hold dual citizenship. So during that era, and when
I say era, I'm a little old, it was like
the eighties and nineties, right, People that I knew also
got married for romantic reasons, not fake marriages like that
movie Green Card, but like literally they have they're on
(10:00):
vacation in Florida, they meet somebody, they fall in love,
blah blah blah. And back then it was very easy
to just get married, apply for a work visa, et cetera.
Things are different now, and this is why I wanted
to invite on this very special guest Hector Kiroga. Hello, Hector,
how are you?
Speaker 3 (10:19):
Hello? Thank you? Thanks for having me. H.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
He's an immigration attorney, and I want to talk a
little bit about some of the obstacles today facing migrants
right who are marrying or part way through the process
of application. So how first of all, how have things changed?
You heard what I just described, right, And it used
(10:42):
to be that when you married somebody from America, you
had like I think, a temporary residency for two years
before you could apply for citizenship or apply to get
your Green card. Right, what is it now?
Speaker 3 (10:55):
So the process as to describate is similar in the
center that you life a for a GLENK card, and
if it's marriage based and a marriage is in more
than twenty four months, then they give you a temporary
residency card for twenty four months and then you get
to apply for another one after that periodic expires to
(11:18):
have a Tingier residency card that you can continue to renew,
or you may apply for citizenship if you qualify during
the prescribed times. That's kind of the process in a
nutshell as it is today. What is changed is how
you prove that, what evidence is needed, how based if
(11:42):
these interviews can get into a couples and relationships to
see if they are in fact legitimate or not, right.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Because we're not going to lie here. Plenty of people
do it as scams, right. There are Americans who will
accept money from somebody and marriage them in order to
and that's one of the reasons why I don't know,
if you remember, you've probably seen Hector that movie Green Card.
I think it was Andy McDowell and Gerard de Pardue,
and they did a fake marriage. But what they had
(12:13):
to do because it was a romantic comedy of course,
and it was Hollywood is they had to live together
in order to get to know each other so well
that they could pass the immigration interview. And you know
how Hollywood what they did, they made them of force
fall in real love. So by the time they got
to the interview, it was very authentic. But what kinds
of things does the immigration authority ask couples who have
(12:35):
been together ostensibly for twenty four months.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Well, they, as you said, there's enough fraught to have
them be suspicious, right, but it's just very small comparative
amount of relationships that hadly get me. So now just
as they had new administration began, they are reactivating different
let's let's call it policy within the department in USA
(13:04):
to proper home security to be checking on these couples.
And so, for example, they are requiring anyone to have
their social media accounts open, not set up to private,
so they could review their profiles to see where you
have a history with this person. That that that's interesting.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
So if you're if you have a fraudulent marriage and
the Immigration Department sees that you're posting pictures of you
and other people you're dating, that's not going to look good, right,
So they want to look for married couples who post
vacations together and dates together and things that they've been
doing for the last two years together.
Speaker 3 (13:46):
They look at that and if you and if you
are set up to private where they can't see it,
then that's suspicious. That kind of is a flag to
look why why is that happening? So, h there are
quite that they are going back to having some neighborhood visits, right,
so they can go talk to your neighbors, uh, to
(14:08):
people at work.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Well, that's kind of interesting because you know, in crowded
urban communities, a lot of neighbors don't even know each other. So,
I mean, I happen to live in very dense Venice Beach, California,
and I know all the neighbors all around me, and
if I ever had a problem, I just opened my
window and yell and somebody would come and help me.
But a lot of neighborhoods the neighbors don't even know.
(14:30):
So that makes it hard to prove that they're living
together as a married couple. I mean, do they just
say what cars have been in the driveway.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Or what cars have you hey, what have you seen?
Tom who's Tom. How is this guy here in this picture?
We never seen that individual here? Okay, well so to
the apartment manager that don't have a parking permit to
park here? We never seen him. Well that's the problem, right,
(14:59):
So they said the time things that that are busy.
Now it used to be just to just to confirm
the relationship, but now they're also looking at good moral
character issues, like you know, it's this person you know that,
do they volunteer? Do they do they do they do
things for the community? Are they are they uh you know,
do they have spitting tickets? And are they and if so,
(15:21):
do they pay them? Or that The whole moral character
thing is becoming very strong. It used to be before
the administration that they would only focus on that if
you had a crime, But now no, just just kind
of like more of a morality thing all around. Like
so things like I know this is kind of bad
on today, but you have a bad check, right, you
(15:42):
can still write a check. If the check is bad
or bounces, that could be evidence of the bad faith.
That could be evidence or your character not being uh
so desirable for the United States. And so they're looking
at all these things to find concept of the admissibility
and be able to deny it.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
And what about if they're really married versus roommates, because
two roommates could live together. And I've certainly heard cases
of gay men selling their marriageable rights to heterosexual women,
like how do they know that consummated their marriage?
Speaker 3 (16:19):
Yes, and so that's and and so again that is
that I think it's a lot of the crops of
the legal arguments sometimes, and that is marriage does look
different for different families. You may have somebody who truthfully
they are married, they have they believe to immororate, but
they because of school or work or in value in
(16:39):
the military, they might just be living separate and apart
and they haven't really been together in a household per se.
Can we say that that marriage is in legal or
now you've got sex same sex marriage? Right? Is that?
How does that look into this? And that is some
of the arguments we had with a little bit of prejudice.
(17:02):
And that is if you look at marriage as a
you know, a couple with a with a white house
and a picket fence and two dogs, and that's how
you most look then it's kind of it's kind of
difficult because most people you know, lives. Lives are different,
and so that and.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
There is no rule that says you have to be
having sexual relationships for it to be a marriage. You
can be legal, legally married. And you know, we know
people for because of health reasons or age or whatever,
they can't have sex. So that's not part of it necessarily, right.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
That's that's that well. I so it depends. That's interesting,
but it depends in some states the definition of a marriage.
The marriage has to be consummated, so the actual act
needs to happen. So even though you may go before
a pastor a preacher, they have the proper licenses, you're married,
but they have not consummated it, they might still be
(17:58):
able to anno that because that marriage might have never
been actually consulated. So it depends on stay law where
you are. And this is complex, makes everything so complex.
And that is family law is a state based in
the United States, so we got to look at each
state to define where that marriage was legal. So, for example,
in the state of Texas, a proxy is in fact
(18:20):
a valid way to get married. I cannot show up
to my wedding day, but I can say a proxy
send somebody else.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
I'll send my brother. He'll go, Hey, Hetcher, we have
to go to We have to go to a break.
But I want to continue this conversation because I want
to know specifically what California recognizes and also if any
member of a couple is detained by ICE, what should
they do. My guest is Hector ki Roga. He's an
immigration attorney specializing in marital immigration. You're listening to the
(18:47):
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty, but
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on ky
I am six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
My guest attorney Hector ki Roga, who is an immigration
attorney who specializes in that area of the law around marriage. Now,
before we went to the break, you were talking about
how in Texas they have a specific law where you
(19:20):
didn't have to show up at your wedding. You can
send a proxy and in some states you have to
consummate the marriage to make it legal. What do we
got here in California. What's our rule around marriage? What
constitutes you as a married person.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
Yeah. Typically most states, sorry California, you have to have
rite a license. You have to be available to mari,
so get single word. You can't be matri to another person.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
That's true.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
So you have to show that. You have to be
of age. H consent can be seventeen, sometimes can be
sixteen with a court order, and.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
A California you could be sixteen.
Speaker 3 (19:57):
With a court order or a part an. All consent
you have to have. That requirement needs to be.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
That scares me, that's my parents selling their daughters. Nonsense, WHOA,
that's scared.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
Yeah. So so there are little things. Obviously, if it's
below a certain ages, not even with I mean a
no core order will be ever granted. But typically is
when it gives you, uh the right to marry without
parental consent, and so that's kind of how that goes.
And it also has to be witness and so there's
gotta be witnesses to be able to sign and see
(20:31):
that there was an actual ceremony with the proper efficient
that had the proper proper license to be able to attend.
So that's that's typically what we look at. But again
when we had the question is the same sex marriage
for example, some states didn't recognizes some states do. So
then you have to get into that to see where
(20:53):
the marriage is valuid for immigration purposes, right.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Because immigration is a national law, and if you have
to be dependent on state laws, can you get around
that some.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
Way like correctly? Yeah? So that's that. Well, that's when
you need a lawyer to figure out does that work?
I mean there are some perstructions and we see things
all the time. I mean, second causing is first causings
they get separate? Is that well one personality costing is
the first causing? Is that marriage valid? It depends only
(21:25):
stay law, so stay safe. Maybe maybe they have to
be two degree separated. So there's a lot of little
family law issues that based on that state. Now, typically
you know, to adults that are single and that overage,
they just put to the county clerk house, they get
a license and then they get married and that's all
(21:45):
you need. But but again the government, the federal government
is going to be asking was this valid? Was it
done for improper purposes? Is this is this for immigration reasons?
And it open all sort of things.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Okay, I have a few more questions, So let's say
there's a couple they hired you or another immigration attorney
they have, they're engaged, they're about to be married, they're
figuring this all out. They get detained by ICE and
one is a citizen and one isn't. Do they have
any rights if they're engaged.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
So no use on that sort of your definition alone,
because engaged, when you're engaged, it's like coming of one made.
You know, you're kind of you're kind of moderate, or
you're not right. There's not right. There's not an engagement,
you know.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
I was watching a TikTok video the other day with
a like a dating coach guy, and he was saying,
a promise ring means nothing. There's no such thing as
a promise rings, like engagement doesn't mean marriage.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
But we have moderate people on Ice Attention. We've been
able to send h preachers to Ice Attention, get married
and then through the marriage percent defense to the deportation.
Now this is difficult, but it can be on now.
Once this happens, though, if somebody's in detention and a
matter wich happens is even more suspicious. Now the government
(23:11):
upset up and goes, wait a minute, you're not married,
and soon you.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Are as soon as you're detained, there goes yeahs.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
So you have to have really strong evidence of that
relationship to show that he was really in good faith.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
So what if there's a married couple who are married,
one was is an American citizen, the other naturalized became
an American citizen, and one of them has a criminal
history and is deported. Can they somehow get back together
because they're married and they're both Americans?
Speaker 3 (23:44):
Now, Well, if you so, deportation isn't Deportation can be cure.
In other words, it's not like the end. They are
waivers for the portation. Somebody who has been reported can
file a waiver. Typically they have to wait outside the
country for a pie time like ten years or yes,
(24:04):
it's a ten year thing, and then you can file
a waivers calling nine to twelve waiver to be able
to overcome that. So it's very severe in family is
because typically we're talking about tangier bands, like you can.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
The kids are grown by then that's too long exactly.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
Well, the position of organ is that you could go
with your family member to live in a different countries. Right,
You could live in Mexico, you can live in India,
you can leave.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
They could go as a couple to just self deport
so they don't have to deal with all the mass exactly.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
But that's very hard on families. That's just difficult to
get to that.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
So when I became an American, I very proudly took
my pledge of allegiance, studied for the exam, et cetera.
I America though, does not recognize, as far as I know,
dual citizenship, yet Canada does. So when I'm in one country,
I'm a due citizen. When I'm here, I'm just an American. Right,
(25:04):
help people understand what kind of loyalty they need to
pledge to the United States when they become a new American.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
Okay, well, so America does recognize dual citizenship as the
evercise it does, but it's only dual, so you can
only have two you cannot have three. And so that
is still the case. Now they are trying to change
this to a single one and then you would have
to renounce one or the other. However, even at that,
(25:36):
even recognizing that you're a citizing at the same country,
you do have to play a leg to the allegiance
to the flag of the United States. Be ready to
take arms if it needs to be to defend the
flag and defend the country and the concept of freedom
of the United City.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
I think a lot of Americans who are born here
and not naturalized don't even realize the contract. They're basically
assigning what. I had to stand up there, me, who
you never owned or held a gun in my life
and say that I would take up a gun on
behalf of this country. Oh, it was terrifying. I was
a mom with my kids and I had to.
Speaker 3 (26:11):
Say that, yeah, you you definitely have that. I mean,
we have all sorts of like requirements, right, Like just
when fort of the pandemic, the vaccine was required, right,
so you have to and so there's something that you
have to go and do that. It's pretty difficult. Now
you have to take a sam a city exam, an
(26:32):
English exam.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
It was easy.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
My fifth grader taught me how to do that exam.
Speaker 3 (26:37):
Yeah. They well, both times are fairly easy. One hundred
questions and you only you have to get like ten
correct Well, like one of the.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Questions is what color is the White House?
Speaker 3 (26:49):
It's like, yeah, the most difficult questions are more like
what are the names of your senators or the state.
That's important, you know, that kind.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
Of represent we have. We're running out of time, but
this has been so fascinating and I'm sure many people
who are listening who may be going through green card
applications or citizenship applications through marriage could really use your services.
So his name is Hector Kei Roguck q u I
r og A. Did I say it right?
Speaker 3 (27:17):
Hector key rogt That is correct.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Thanks for being with us. That brings our show to
a close. It is always my pleasure to be with
you here every Sunday night, as I've been for the
last eleven years. And as a reminder, download that iHeartRadio
app and listen to this shows, back shows, future shows
if you can't be here exactly on Sundays. But is
always my pleasure to share the science of love and
(27:42):
interpersonal relationships with you. Thanks for being here you and
listening to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on KFI AM
six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've
been listening to Doctor Wendy Waals. You can always hear
us live on KFI amc ex forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
(28:04):
iHeartRadio app,
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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