October 13, 2025 • 30 mins
Dr. Wendy is getting into Diane Keaton, life, love, and death. PLUS is unconditional love possible? We have your answers. Are you single? We have tips on how you can be confidently warm and NOT play hard to get. All that and more on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. This is the Dr Wendy Wall Show.
Just a reminder if you're new to my show. I
love to talk about the science of love. Coming up
(00:21):
in today's show, we honor the passing of actress Diane
Keaton and explore her relationships because I think she became
a maverick in the fact that she never married. Plus,
is unconditional love really possible?
Speaker 2 (00:37):
No?
Speaker 1 (00:38):
What three things, if you've got them in your relationship
can make it come very very close. And remember that
adage never go to bed mad. Don't listen to that.
I've got some science to explain something different. Producer, Kayla,
how are you doing Live in the Dream, Doctor Wendy,
Live in the Dream? Do you have a favorite Diane
Keaton movie? Uh? The one was that The Family Stone.
(00:59):
I love during that with Sarah Jisica Parker. I think
she passed away in its boiler alert. But good movie.
Sarah Jessica Parker did not pass away.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
No, Diane Jessica Parker.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Oh my goodness, I'm a little nervous there is Can
you imagine what it's going to be like when the
sex and the city girls start to you know, their
row starts to get Let's not go there. We're not
there yet. I loved her and the Godfather and that
was really her early early breakout role. If it will,
(01:35):
if you haven't heard, legendary actress Diane Keaton passed away
yesterday here in Los Angeles. No details were released on
the cause of her death, and of course, her family
asked for privacy now, her friend Carol bayer Seger, the singer, musician, songwriter,
told People magazine that she hadn't seen Diane much since.
(01:57):
Apparently Diane's fall home in the Palisades suffered some damage,
so she moved out to Palm Springs and hadn't been
seeing her friends as much, although Carol disclosed that when
she last saw her, she noticed she had lost a
lot of weight, so she may have had an illness
for a while. Here's what we do know. The Los
Angeles Fire Department confirmed that they responded to her home
(02:18):
around eight o'clock in the morning yesterday and transported a
seventy nine year old woman to a local hospital, where
she was pronounced dead. Diane Keaton was a beloved Academy
Award winning actress, but she was also a director, a producer,
and an author. People know her because she's quirky and
(02:39):
fun and charming. She has She's a fashion icon for sure,
has a very distinctive style and gives amazing emotional performances.
She's also a mother, has two children. She began her
career on Broadway before gaining fame in the nineteen seventies
as Yes Kay Adams in The Godfather that was nineteen seven.
(03:00):
You know, there's a scene in the Barbie movie last
year where they say that guys make all their girlfriends
watch The Godfather because somehow that's a guy courting ritual
in some way. Well, my husband Julio, when we were dating,
not only made me watch The Godfather, but also the
documentary but the making of the Godfather, and he would
stop each along the way and tell me stories. So
I was a good Barbie girlfriend and I listened to
(03:23):
it all and then we had to watch The Godfather too,
which she was also in, and The Godfather three. Some
say though, besides those three movies, her big breakout came
with her collaborations with director Woody Allen, particularly in the
nineteen seventy seven movie Annie Hall, which actually became kind
of her fashion style, and she earned the Oscar for
(03:44):
Best Actress for that movie. Look. For fifty more years,
Diane Keaton continued to work as we would, but her
love life is what fascinated me. She had famous romantic
partners in and including Woody Allen himself. She really defended
him by the way when there was that whole we'll
(04:05):
just say, controversy around him. She also dated Warren Beatty
al Paceno, but she never ever married. And according to
evolutionary psychologists, more than ninety percent of all people in
all societies marry at some point in their lives. As
(04:26):
I like to say, that means that one in ten
human beings never marry. When we come back, I want
to talk about why Diane told people she didn't marry
and what she did instead. Plus let's talk about unconditional love.
Is it possible. I've always said it's not possible, but
(04:47):
a secure attachment is. And they're three specific things. If
you have them in your relationship, then you're on your
way to having the closest thing we can never have
to unconditional love. By the way, my husband and I
took the test today. We were three for three. Just saying,
you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Now, I mentioned
that evolutionary psychologists speculate that about ninety percent of people
across all societies around the globe mary or some version
of legal coupling at some point in their lives. But
that does mean that one in ten humans never marry.
And now we're at a stage where women need marriage
(05:34):
less but in many ways. Actress Diane Keaton was a
vanguard because at the age of seventy nine, she had
never married. Now in her fifties, her maternal instinct kicked
in and she had adopted two children, so she did
experience motherhood but not marriage. Back in nineteen ninety six,
this is what she told ABC News, Why do you
(05:57):
think you're never married? I think that.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
I never married because.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
I didn't want to get married.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
I didn't choose to get married.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
I didn't need to get married.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
And I didn't the people that I was with. It
was best that we were not married. I think I
did the right thing. I don't think we would have
been very happy together.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Now that you had your daughter, do you feel more
of a compunction to want to get married. Do you
think it's necessary?
Speaker 3 (06:25):
Well, I no, I don't think it's necessary, but ideally sure.
I think that a daughter should have a father in
a perfect world. I mean, I think it's totally important.
I keep looking for male figures to be her friend,
to love her, and she does have some, and I
think that it would be great if she had a father,
(06:48):
of course, And I'm sorry I'm not married in that sense.
I'm not sorry I'm not married in other aspects, which
is the way I used to be.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Sorry.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Do you know when I was younger, I would pity
myself if I wasn't with some man, I'm sure, But
now I don't feel that way at all. I don't
think I could ever fall in love the way I
did when I was younger.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
I think part of the issue for Diane Keaton was
the mating pool she was in, the high profile actors
that she did have relationships with. Of Course, you know,
as I like to say, narcissism is not only accepted
in Hollywood. It's often considered a requirement, and narcissistic actors
(07:27):
are you know, sometimes not all, because I've interviewed some
really great, long term married, amazing male actors, but many
of them can't give what you need to give to
have a healthy relationship. Diane Keaton is survived by her daughter, Dexter,
who is twenty nine years old, and her son Duke,
who is twenty five years old. Neither of them are
(07:47):
in the industry. Dexter studied veterinarian medicine and according to
her Instagram that I checked out, she got married a
few years ago, so her daughter did get married. One
of the things that Diane Keaton didn't experience is unconditional love,
and we often wonder is it really possible. I've already
(08:07):
always said that every relationship has conditions. There is an
unspoken contract that happens with every relationship, right, I mean,
no matter how much you love your spouse, if they
murdered somebody, you might go, okay, that's the line. Or
maybe it's cheating, maybe it's domestic violence, maybe it's drug use.
But you know there's a condition. Right, However, you could
(08:32):
get as close as possible to unconditional love. If you've
got three things in your relationship, I prefer to call
it secure love. The first is that you and your
partner love each other exactly as they are right now.
Right They're not trying. You guys, aren't trying to change
(08:54):
each other. You're not living with hope that maybe they'll
fix themselves or they'll be your dream person. You know,
having a good secure bond means knowing that somebody's there
and just loving them as they are, not trying to
change them. Secondly, people in secure bonds they do know
that love means you work right, I mean some kind
(09:15):
of effort, but they also show up every day to
do it right. You know, we like to talk about
reciprocation in relationships. One person does it, and I call
relationships an exchange of care. So one person extends some care,
the other person extends back. But when you've got an
(09:36):
unbalanced relationship where one person's doing all the giving and
the other person's doing all the taking, then you basically
have one partner that's not showing up. They're not doing
the work of love right now. Plenty of times these
relationships that are unbalanced last a really long time, but
they turn bitter right, and they often fall apart because
(09:58):
people are just keeping s or right, just keeping score.
We should never have a relationship that's like this exchange
orientation where you're always counting what the person's doing. The
third thing is that you feel safe next to them
and that your happiness takes priority. I was talking about
(10:21):
this with my husband Julio today, and I was saying,
isn't it interesting that most of the decisions he makes,
I swear, are what do I need to do or
say or be to make Wendy happy? And I think
the same way, what do I need to do or
say to make them happy? Now, that doesn't mean that
we're both doormats. We have our likes, we have our boundaries,
(10:44):
we have our individual needs, But when we're making decisions,
it's always like, oh, oh, what do you want? What
can make them happy? And so there are the two
of us spending time constantly trying to keep each other happy. Right.
One of the studies I read this week from Frontiers
in Psychology said that there is a theory of love
(11:08):
that has four core factors. Attraction. Obviously, you need that,
especially at the beginning, although that fades connection. Right, you
have to really connect with each other. I always said,
like it feels seamless when I finally met my husband.
And by the way, don't put a timeframe on it.
I met him when I was fifty eight years old
and I've been through I don't want to say a number, okay,
(11:31):
hundreds of men in my life and nobody did I
have this connection with. But the other big one is trust.
I trust him implicitly. And respect. We both really respect
each other. I've told people I finally met a man
who's smarter than me because I really respect his mind.
I really do, and he will say that he respects
(11:54):
certain things that I do. Right. These are the components
of love. These are the four things attraction, connect, trust,
and respect. But in order to have a secure attachment,
you want to feel safe. You don't want to be
worried all the time if they love you. You don't
want to be worried if they're protecting you or not right,
And don't try to change each other. I always say,
(12:16):
it's never our job to change our partner. It's our
job to change our reaction to them. It's our job
to adjust and adapt to their changes. But it's either
you accept it or move on, right, you don't try
to change somebody else. Okay, So that's for those who
are in a relationship. For single people. When we come back,
(12:38):
I want to talk about a new concept I've coined.
I've coined called how to be confidently warm and it's
the opposite of being hard to get. But it's also
not being a doormat. I've got some research to show
you how you can court each other when you're single,
to make them fall deeply in love with you because
(12:59):
of your confident oh and your warmth. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Am six forty.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show. So you know, if you follow
me on social media, you know I talk a lot
to single heterosexual women about how to find a commitment right.
And there is a lot of misunderstanding well because social
media videos are like sixty seconds long or thirty seconds long.
(13:33):
By the way, producer Kayla, did you know my TikTok
channel got hacked this week? What it was crazy? What happened?
A million followers okay, it's the thing that I tell
everybody not to do. I got an email from quote
unquote TikTok that said, you know, we're going to give
you a blue check mark laia and click on through here.
(13:54):
And I clicked through a link. Never do that from
an email people that took me to a website that
looked exactly like TikTok. Oh no, asked me to put
in my password, and you did yes, And within a
second I got a actual text from TikTok saying your
email account has been changed to so anyway, it took
me three days to get it back. It was very scary,
(14:15):
but you got it back. You're good to go. It's
the role you want, TikTok. It's on the way. It's
on the way, but no one it's frozen. Now it's frozen,
so no one can do anything. Then we found all
these copycat accounts. I didn't know people were pretending to
be me on TikTok. I know, very weird. Anyway, I
talk a lot on TikTok until last week about how
to get a commitment, and people sometimes will criticize me
(14:37):
and say that I sound old fashioned, I sound manipulative.
I'm telling women to just play hard to get. Nothing
could be further from the truth. Everything I talk about
is backed up by science. So I'm going to go
through some of the things that people and actually this
could apply to people of all genders, but particularly women. Okay,
(15:01):
Number one, be warm and busy, happy and busy. Right.
So research shows that people are most attractive when they
are independent. Right, So you don't have to play coy.
You don't have to play hard to get. You just
have to have a life right and make sure that
(15:22):
person knows that's interested in you that you have a
life right. People are naturally drawn to people who are
going somewhere, right, So if you're acting desperate, if you're
dropping everything for them, then they lose interest. Right, So
you actually maintain someone's interest by keeping up with some
(15:44):
of your other pursuits. But at the same time, I say,
be warm and busy and happy and busy. So you
might say something like, oh, gosh, thank you so much
for inviting me that thing Saturday night. I'm so disappointed.
I already have an obligation with friends to go XYZ whatever.
I hopefully you can work out next time. Ah, what
a bummer, I'm going to miss that, right, So you're
(16:06):
happy but busy? Right. Number two, I swear I'm going
to get a T shirt printed up that says this honesty.
It saves everyone's time. People who clearly communicate who they
are and what they're looking for are, actually, according to science,
rated as more attractive. Right. So don't be afraid to
(16:30):
put in your dating profile looking for a long term relationship.
If you're looking for a hookup, swipe left, I'm not
for you. Just be honest, right, Just be honest about
exactly what you're looking for. If you say things like, uh,
let's just keep it casual and see where it goes,
you're not very attractive for a long term commitment. I
(16:51):
will say that, okay. Third thing, listen up, are you
taking notes? Write this down? Be kind and giving and loving,
but do not be a doormat. Okay, So kind people
are at That signals to a potential mate that you
are emotionally stable, that you have capacity to be a
giver in a long term relationships. In fact, research done
(17:14):
by doctor David Buss at the University of Texas Austin
shows that across cultures all around the world, kindness ranks
as one of the most universally attractive traits, not performative
por tend kindness, actually be a kind person. Right, But
here's the problem. So many women think, I'll be super nice,
(17:36):
I'll say yes to everything. I will take his dry
cleaning for him, I'll clean his house, I'll cook for him,
And all of a sudden, they're doing like wife duties
before he's earned it. That's not being kind, that's being
a doormat. Right, you still want to have boundaries. Here's
another one. I love just get in his or her radar.
(17:56):
There is so much research to show proximity is everything.
People are most likely to fall in love if they
live near each other, if they work together, if they
see each other at the gym regularly or regular coffee shops,
or their classmates, etc. These are the people who fall
in love. So if you meet somebody on a dating
(18:16):
app and you just have to sit around and wait
for them to call you again, this is not going
to be the same as just sort of getting in
his radar or her radar, figuring out where they're going
and what they're doing. It's just chance run into them
or do something together, volunteer for something together. Right, want
to check out this new art exhibit. Say that that's
so much better than Hey, you want to hang out sometimes?
(18:39):
I hate that. I hate the do you want to
hang out sometime? Gentlemen, if you're listening, never write that
to a woman want to hang out sometime? I have
told women that the response to that text is are
you asking me out on a date? Just ask, right,
what is this? Because we're very confused why we should
hang out sometime? But that text happens a lot. But remember,
(19:00):
shared expences build familiarity, and that builds comfort, that builds trust,
and it builds attraction. All right, I use the word
reciprocity a lot. Invest proportionately, whether it's time, favors, money,
match his or her investment. So research on successful relationships
(19:25):
shows that in the early stages there's a balanced investment.
It's not one person doing all the giving and one
person doing all the taking. I hear women all the
time say, you know, I don't want to lower the bar.
I want to make sure he sacrifices a lot. Okay,
that's true. You don't want it to be completely lazy.
But at the same time, you have to reciprocate. Now,
(19:47):
it may not be monetarily if he's paid for a
few expensive dinners, pack a picnic right, but find a
way to invest purpently. And this is probably one of
my favorit be selectively available. This is very different from
hard to get right. Playing hard to get never works,
(20:09):
but being selectively available. That means easy for someone to reach,
but not desperate for them. That's not playing hard to get.
That's being who you are, confident busy. That means if
you have a schedule, you don't drop everything for this person,
but you let them know that you want to see
(20:31):
them and you want to make time, and you will
select a time. You will find a time together. Right.
Don't not respond to messages. If you like somebody respond,
you don't have to, Okay, you know. I call it
the blue text test. Look at your iPhone. So many
women come up to me at parties or wherever. They'll
just hand me the phone and go what does his
(20:52):
text mean? I don't even have to read his text.
I just look at how much blue text is on
the right side of the screen that's her writing, and
how much green on the other side of gray or
whatever it is, And I just say, this is the problem.
He writes, three words, and you write fourteen paragraphs, and
you send three texts for his everyone text. Being selectively
(21:14):
available means responding to messages in a timely manner, but
not overdoing it and not texting again and again. It
also doesn't mean just ignoring him and making the poor
guy text over and over to somehow prove something. And finally,
and I swear this is the most important. Be vulnerable
with boundaries, Be carefully vulnerable. Share your feelings, your thoughts,
(21:37):
your concerns. This is how you grow intimacy. But when
I say carefully, I mean you don't trauma dump at
the very beginning, right. It might take five dates for
you to open up right, reveal yourself gradually and genuinely.
And this is how you will look attractive. Have boundaries,
(22:01):
but you will also be open and honest. Okay, this
is not playing hard to get. This is how you
do it. Hey, when we come back, I am heading
to my social media to answer your relationship questions. If
you have a relationship question for me, just head over
to my Instagram. We're ignoring TikTok right now the Instagram
and send a DM to at doctor Wendy Walsh, and
(22:21):
I'm going to weigh in on your love life when
we come back.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Okay, this is the part of the show where I
love to answer your relationship questions. Answer your relationship questions
because I have opinions and I have wisdom. Reminder, I'm
not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. I tell you
to go to therapy a lot, though, don't I. But
I have written three books on relationships. I wrote a
(22:53):
dissertation on attachment theory. I'm a woman of a certain
age who's had every kind of relationship on the planet.
I got some skills when it comes to knowledge of
interpersonal relationships. So try me. If you want to send
me a question, send me a DM on Instagram at
Dr Wendy Walsh. He's the Instagram handle. Send me a DM.
(23:14):
I'll look for it. If I don't get it this week,
we'll answer it next week. Okay, here's the first one.
Dear Doctor Wendy, how can I effectively express emotional needs
to my boyfriend without him feeling criticized or overwhelmed? He
(23:34):
shuts down so easily. Well, I remember I had a
psychology professor who said, the biggest problem when people talk
about something tender is they get right into talking about
the tender thing, and they know, like you said, he
shuts down. He's going to shut down, he's not going
to be open to it. So this psychology professor always said,
(24:00):
always comment on the dynamic before you get into the stuff.
So you might say, hey, I notice whenever I talk
about something emotional, you get really quiet, and I feel
(24:20):
kind of rejected when that happens, and I'm wondering what's
really going on for you. See, you just stayed on
your feelings. You didn't blame, you didn't fingerpoint, you just said,
I notice you get a little silent when I talk
about tender things. And so instead of just blindsiding him
with you know, I have emotional needs and you do
not meet my needs. I need you to do more
(24:42):
of it. Well, I would shut down too. I'm not
saying that's what you say, but some people do. Right.
And then when you do get to the aft you've
learned a little more about him, say okay, well I
understand maybe there's a way I can say things more
carefully in the future. Whatever, And you're going to learn
about perhaps his family of origin and how everything you know,
(25:03):
that's how, that's what he learned, et cetera. And then
you're gonna say something specific, not, well, my emotional needs
are not being met in this relationship. You know what
that means? Nothing? You want to be really specific, Like, hey,
(25:23):
whenever I tell you something I did at work today,
it would be so great if you would say, oh,
I'm so proud of you or good work. It's great
to hear so that I felt like you're on my
team and my cheerleader, instead of like, so I knew
you'd get the promotion. You know you're good, right, So
(25:45):
all you have to do is explain a situation. Explain
what you would like to have happened in the most
loving voice possible, never demanding. Got it, But first find
out why he shuts down. Maybe it's the way you're
bringing stuff up. Maybe it has to do with how
his mother brought stuff up. Who knows? Explore be a
(26:07):
feeling detective. All right, Moving along, Dear doctor Wendy, I
am in a same sex female relationship and need to
know how I can address recurring passive aggressive behavior. I
don't want her to get angry, but I sometimes feel
she doesn't really like me as a person. Wow. Okay,
(26:28):
so first of all, I'm going to assume this recurring
passive aggressive behavior is coming from her, not you, because
you just said recurring passive aggressive behavior, but you didn't
really say so. Here's the thing. It's your fear of
quote unquote getting her angry. That's the problem. Don't be
(26:53):
afraid of feelings. She's allowed to get angry if her
angry is if our anger is dangerous for you though
that I mean more than emostly dangerous physically, that's a problem. Right.
But this I feel she doesn't really like me as
a person thing. I'm curious about that because I'm wondering
(27:14):
how much of this is baggage that you might have
brought into the relationship yourself, this feeling of you know,
I'm less than in this relationship, or maybe you're insecure
in some way. So I think maybe the conversation might
be something like, do you know there's lots of tender
(27:36):
topics I'd like to bring up, But for some reason,
I have this crazy fear that you'll get angry, and
for some reason, I'm so afraid of your anger. How
can we resolve that. Remember that word? How? How? How
can we resolve that? And she'll goes, your babe, what
does you want to talk about? Well? I don't know.
I mean, I don't know if it's me or you,
(27:58):
But sometimes I feel like you don't really like me,
and I don't know if that's just inside of me. No,
it's just you, That's what they're gonna say. Uh, But
then you can explore ask different ways you can do this,
I promise, all right? Moving along? How should I bring
up mist matched mismatched sex drives with my wife without
(28:22):
making her feel pressured or inadequate? I told her during
an intimacy building conversation that my ex was the best
sex I'd ever had, and since then she's been super
sensitive whenever I try to discuss my sexual needs. Really,
what a flip and surprise. You called that an intimacy
(28:44):
building conversation. That was a fear building conversation. You told
your wife that your ex was better in bed than her.
Oh my goodness, it's gonna take you some time to
reel this back. I'm sorry. That was just not the
thing to say, right. Did you know that, my sweet Julio,
(29:06):
my husband used to date Madonna. I'm sure the sex
was off the charts and great it was way back when.
But anyway, it doesn't bother me because I'm secure. However,
during an intimacy building conversation, what the heck? So now
it's on you. You got to help raise her self esteem.
(29:28):
This shouldn't be about you asking for your sexual needs
to be met at this point. I'm sorry. This is
the time for you to make her feel great. Let
her know how gorgeous her body is. Let her know
of the things you like, give her compliments because it's
going to take a while to heal after that. You
actually told her that your ex was better in bed.
(29:51):
Oh dude, dude, dude, dude, That's not how you build intimacy.
An intimacy building conversation is sharing a little fantasies with
each other, talking about what each of you like and
don't like. That's all building intimacy, right, But comparing her
(30:11):
to another mate? Oh yu yu yu yui, I'm sorry,
you got bad news for me.
Speaker 3 (30:17):
All right.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
When we come back, I'm going to continue to delve
into my social media DMS and answer your relationship questions.
If you want to send me a DM, send it
to at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh
on Instagram. That's where I'm checking. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
(30:40):
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. This is the Dr Wendy Wall Show.
Just a reminder if you're new to my show. I
love to talk about the science of love. Coming up
(00:21):
in today's show, we honor the passing of actress Diane
Keaton and explore her relationships because I think she became
a maverick in the fact that she never married. Plus,
is unconditional love really possible?
Speaker 2 (00:37):
No?
Speaker 1 (00:38):
What three things, if you've got them in your relationship
can make it come very very close. And remember that
adage never go to bed mad. Don't listen to that.
I've got some science to explain something different. Producer, Kayla,
how are you doing Live in the Dream, Doctor Wendy,
Live in the Dream? Do you have a favorite Diane
Keaton movie? Uh? The one was that The Family Stone.
(00:59):
I love during that with Sarah Jisica Parker. I think
she passed away in its boiler alert. But good movie.
Sarah Jessica Parker did not pass away.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
No, Diane Jessica Parker.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Oh my goodness, I'm a little nervous there is Can
you imagine what it's going to be like when the
sex and the city girls start to you know, their
row starts to get Let's not go there. We're not
there yet. I loved her and the Godfather and that
was really her early early breakout role. If it will,
(01:35):
if you haven't heard, legendary actress Diane Keaton passed away
yesterday here in Los Angeles. No details were released on
the cause of her death, and of course, her family
asked for privacy now, her friend Carol bayer Seger, the singer, musician, songwriter,
told People magazine that she hadn't seen Diane much since.
(01:57):
Apparently Diane's fall home in the Palisades suffered some damage,
so she moved out to Palm Springs and hadn't been
seeing her friends as much, although Carol disclosed that when
she last saw her, she noticed she had lost a
lot of weight, so she may have had an illness
for a while. Here's what we do know. The Los
Angeles Fire Department confirmed that they responded to her home
(02:18):
around eight o'clock in the morning yesterday and transported a
seventy nine year old woman to a local hospital, where
she was pronounced dead. Diane Keaton was a beloved Academy
Award winning actress, but she was also a director, a producer,
and an author. People know her because she's quirky and
(02:39):
fun and charming. She has She's a fashion icon for sure,
has a very distinctive style and gives amazing emotional performances.
She's also a mother, has two children. She began her
career on Broadway before gaining fame in the nineteen seventies
as Yes Kay Adams in The Godfather that was nineteen seven.
(03:00):
You know, there's a scene in the Barbie movie last
year where they say that guys make all their girlfriends
watch The Godfather because somehow that's a guy courting ritual
in some way. Well, my husband Julio, when we were dating,
not only made me watch The Godfather, but also the
documentary but the making of the Godfather, and he would
stop each along the way and tell me stories. So
I was a good Barbie girlfriend and I listened to
(03:23):
it all and then we had to watch The Godfather too,
which she was also in, and The Godfather three. Some
say though, besides those three movies, her big breakout came
with her collaborations with director Woody Allen, particularly in the
nineteen seventy seven movie Annie Hall, which actually became kind
of her fashion style, and she earned the Oscar for
(03:44):
Best Actress for that movie. Look. For fifty more years,
Diane Keaton continued to work as we would, but her
love life is what fascinated me. She had famous romantic
partners in and including Woody Allen himself. She really defended
him by the way when there was that whole we'll
(04:05):
just say, controversy around him. She also dated Warren Beatty
al Paceno, but she never ever married. And according to
evolutionary psychologists, more than ninety percent of all people in
all societies marry at some point in their lives. As
(04:26):
I like to say, that means that one in ten
human beings never marry. When we come back, I want
to talk about why Diane told people she didn't marry
and what she did instead. Plus let's talk about unconditional love.
Is it possible. I've always said it's not possible, but
(04:47):
a secure attachment is. And they're three specific things. If
you have them in your relationship, then you're on your
way to having the closest thing we can never have
to unconditional love. By the way, my husband and I
took the test today. We were three for three. Just saying,
you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Now, I mentioned
that evolutionary psychologists speculate that about ninety percent of people
across all societies around the globe mary or some version
of legal coupling at some point in their lives. But
that does mean that one in ten humans never marry.
And now we're at a stage where women need marriage
(05:34):
less but in many ways. Actress Diane Keaton was a
vanguard because at the age of seventy nine, she had
never married. Now in her fifties, her maternal instinct kicked
in and she had adopted two children, so she did
experience motherhood but not marriage. Back in nineteen ninety six,
this is what she told ABC News, Why do you
(05:57):
think you're never married? I think that.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
I never married because.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
I didn't want to get married.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
I didn't choose to get married.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
I didn't need to get married.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
And I didn't the people that I was with. It
was best that we were not married. I think I
did the right thing. I don't think we would have
been very happy together.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Now that you had your daughter, do you feel more
of a compunction to want to get married. Do you
think it's necessary?
Speaker 3 (06:25):
Well, I no, I don't think it's necessary, but ideally sure.
I think that a daughter should have a father in
a perfect world. I mean, I think it's totally important.
I keep looking for male figures to be her friend,
to love her, and she does have some, and I
think that it would be great if she had a father,
(06:48):
of course, And I'm sorry I'm not married in that sense.
I'm not sorry I'm not married in other aspects, which
is the way I used to be.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Sorry.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
Do you know when I was younger, I would pity
myself if I wasn't with some man, I'm sure, But
now I don't feel that way at all. I don't
think I could ever fall in love the way I
did when I was younger.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
I think part of the issue for Diane Keaton was
the mating pool she was in, the high profile actors
that she did have relationships with. Of Course, you know,
as I like to say, narcissism is not only accepted
in Hollywood. It's often considered a requirement, and narcissistic actors
(07:27):
are you know, sometimes not all, because I've interviewed some
really great, long term married, amazing male actors, but many
of them can't give what you need to give to
have a healthy relationship. Diane Keaton is survived by her daughter, Dexter,
who is twenty nine years old, and her son Duke,
who is twenty five years old. Neither of them are
(07:47):
in the industry. Dexter studied veterinarian medicine and according to
her Instagram that I checked out, she got married a
few years ago, so her daughter did get married. One
of the things that Diane Keaton didn't experience is unconditional love,
and we often wonder is it really possible. I've already
(08:07):
always said that every relationship has conditions. There is an
unspoken contract that happens with every relationship, right, I mean,
no matter how much you love your spouse, if they
murdered somebody, you might go, okay, that's the line. Or
maybe it's cheating, maybe it's domestic violence, maybe it's drug use.
But you know there's a condition. Right, However, you could
(08:32):
get as close as possible to unconditional love. If you've
got three things in your relationship, I prefer to call
it secure love. The first is that you and your
partner love each other exactly as they are right now.
Right They're not trying. You guys, aren't trying to change
(08:54):
each other. You're not living with hope that maybe they'll
fix themselves or they'll be your dream person. You know,
having a good secure bond means knowing that somebody's there
and just loving them as they are, not trying to
change them. Secondly, people in secure bonds they do know
that love means you work right, I mean some kind
(09:15):
of effort, but they also show up every day to
do it right. You know, we like to talk about
reciprocation in relationships. One person does it, and I call
relationships an exchange of care. So one person extends some care,
the other person extends back. But when you've got an
(09:36):
unbalanced relationship where one person's doing all the giving and
the other person's doing all the taking, then you basically
have one partner that's not showing up. They're not doing
the work of love right now. Plenty of times these
relationships that are unbalanced last a really long time, but
they turn bitter right, and they often fall apart because
(09:58):
people are just keeping s or right, just keeping score.
We should never have a relationship that's like this exchange
orientation where you're always counting what the person's doing. The
third thing is that you feel safe next to them
and that your happiness takes priority. I was talking about
(10:21):
this with my husband Julio today, and I was saying,
isn't it interesting that most of the decisions he makes,
I swear, are what do I need to do or
say or be to make Wendy happy? And I think
the same way, what do I need to do or
say to make them happy? Now, that doesn't mean that
we're both doormats. We have our likes, we have our boundaries,
(10:44):
we have our individual needs, But when we're making decisions,
it's always like, oh, oh, what do you want? What
can make them happy? And so there are the two
of us spending time constantly trying to keep each other happy. Right.
One of the studies I read this week from Frontiers
in Psychology said that there is a theory of love
(11:08):
that has four core factors. Attraction. Obviously, you need that,
especially at the beginning, although that fades connection. Right, you
have to really connect with each other. I always said,
like it feels seamless when I finally met my husband.
And by the way, don't put a timeframe on it.
I met him when I was fifty eight years old
and I've been through I don't want to say a number, okay,
(11:31):
hundreds of men in my life and nobody did I
have this connection with. But the other big one is trust.
I trust him implicitly. And respect. We both really respect
each other. I've told people I finally met a man
who's smarter than me because I really respect his mind.
I really do, and he will say that he respects
(11:54):
certain things that I do. Right. These are the components
of love. These are the four things attraction, connect, trust,
and respect. But in order to have a secure attachment,
you want to feel safe. You don't want to be
worried all the time if they love you. You don't
want to be worried if they're protecting you or not right,
And don't try to change each other. I always say,
(12:16):
it's never our job to change our partner. It's our
job to change our reaction to them. It's our job
to adjust and adapt to their changes. But it's either
you accept it or move on, right, you don't try
to change somebody else. Okay, So that's for those who
are in a relationship. For single people. When we come back,
(12:38):
I want to talk about a new concept I've coined.
I've coined called how to be confidently warm and it's
the opposite of being hard to get. But it's also
not being a doormat. I've got some research to show
you how you can court each other when you're single,
to make them fall deeply in love with you because
(12:59):
of your confident oh and your warmth. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Am six forty.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show. So you know, if you follow
me on social media, you know I talk a lot
to single heterosexual women about how to find a commitment right.
And there is a lot of misunderstanding well because social
media videos are like sixty seconds long or thirty seconds long.
(13:33):
By the way, producer Kayla, did you know my TikTok
channel got hacked this week? What it was crazy? What happened?
A million followers okay, it's the thing that I tell
everybody not to do. I got an email from quote
unquote TikTok that said, you know, we're going to give
you a blue check mark laia and click on through here.
(13:54):
And I clicked through a link. Never do that from
an email people that took me to a website that
looked exactly like TikTok. Oh no, asked me to put
in my password, and you did yes, And within a
second I got a actual text from TikTok saying your
email account has been changed to so anyway, it took
me three days to get it back. It was very scary,
(14:15):
but you got it back. You're good to go. It's
the role you want, TikTok. It's on the way. It's
on the way, but no one it's frozen. Now it's frozen,
so no one can do anything. Then we found all
these copycat accounts. I didn't know people were pretending to
be me on TikTok. I know, very weird. Anyway, I
talk a lot on TikTok until last week about how
to get a commitment, and people sometimes will criticize me
(14:37):
and say that I sound old fashioned, I sound manipulative.
I'm telling women to just play hard to get. Nothing
could be further from the truth. Everything I talk about
is backed up by science. So I'm going to go
through some of the things that people and actually this
could apply to people of all genders, but particularly women. Okay,
(15:01):
Number one, be warm and busy, happy and busy. Right.
So research shows that people are most attractive when they
are independent. Right, So you don't have to play coy.
You don't have to play hard to get. You just
have to have a life right and make sure that
(15:22):
person knows that's interested in you that you have a
life right. People are naturally drawn to people who are
going somewhere, right, So if you're acting desperate, if you're
dropping everything for them, then they lose interest. Right, So
you actually maintain someone's interest by keeping up with some
(15:44):
of your other pursuits. But at the same time, I say,
be warm and busy and happy and busy. So you
might say something like, oh, gosh, thank you so much
for inviting me that thing Saturday night. I'm so disappointed.
I already have an obligation with friends to go XYZ whatever.
I hopefully you can work out next time. Ah, what
a bummer, I'm going to miss that, right, So you're
(16:06):
happy but busy? Right. Number two, I swear I'm going
to get a T shirt printed up that says this honesty.
It saves everyone's time. People who clearly communicate who they
are and what they're looking for are, actually, according to science,
rated as more attractive. Right. So don't be afraid to
(16:30):
put in your dating profile looking for a long term relationship.
If you're looking for a hookup, swipe left, I'm not
for you. Just be honest, right, Just be honest about
exactly what you're looking for. If you say things like, uh,
let's just keep it casual and see where it goes,
you're not very attractive for a long term commitment. I
(16:51):
will say that, okay. Third thing, listen up, are you
taking notes? Write this down? Be kind and giving and loving,
but do not be a doormat. Okay, So kind people
are at That signals to a potential mate that you
are emotionally stable, that you have capacity to be a
giver in a long term relationships. In fact, research done
(17:14):
by doctor David Buss at the University of Texas Austin
shows that across cultures all around the world, kindness ranks
as one of the most universally attractive traits, not performative
por tend kindness, actually be a kind person. Right, But
here's the problem. So many women think, I'll be super nice,
(17:36):
I'll say yes to everything. I will take his dry
cleaning for him, I'll clean his house, I'll cook for him,
And all of a sudden, they're doing like wife duties
before he's earned it. That's not being kind, that's being
a doormat. Right, you still want to have boundaries. Here's
another one. I love just get in his or her radar.
(17:56):
There is so much research to show proximity is everything.
People are most likely to fall in love if they
live near each other, if they work together, if they
see each other at the gym regularly or regular coffee shops,
or their classmates, etc. These are the people who fall
in love. So if you meet somebody on a dating
(18:16):
app and you just have to sit around and wait
for them to call you again, this is not going
to be the same as just sort of getting in
his radar or her radar, figuring out where they're going
and what they're doing. It's just chance run into them
or do something together, volunteer for something together. Right, want
to check out this new art exhibit. Say that that's
so much better than Hey, you want to hang out sometimes?
(18:39):
I hate that. I hate the do you want to
hang out sometime? Gentlemen, if you're listening, never write that
to a woman want to hang out sometime? I have
told women that the response to that text is are
you asking me out on a date? Just ask, right,
what is this? Because we're very confused why we should
hang out sometime? But that text happens a lot. But remember,
(19:00):
shared expences build familiarity, and that builds comfort, that builds trust,
and it builds attraction. All right, I use the word
reciprocity a lot. Invest proportionately, whether it's time, favors, money,
match his or her investment. So research on successful relationships
(19:25):
shows that in the early stages there's a balanced investment.
It's not one person doing all the giving and one
person doing all the taking. I hear women all the
time say, you know, I don't want to lower the bar.
I want to make sure he sacrifices a lot. Okay,
that's true. You don't want it to be completely lazy.
But at the same time, you have to reciprocate. Now,
(19:47):
it may not be monetarily if he's paid for a
few expensive dinners, pack a picnic right, but find a
way to invest purpently. And this is probably one of
my favorit be selectively available. This is very different from
hard to get right. Playing hard to get never works,
(20:09):
but being selectively available. That means easy for someone to reach,
but not desperate for them. That's not playing hard to get.
That's being who you are, confident busy. That means if
you have a schedule, you don't drop everything for this person,
but you let them know that you want to see
(20:31):
them and you want to make time, and you will
select a time. You will find a time together. Right.
Don't not respond to messages. If you like somebody respond,
you don't have to, Okay, you know. I call it
the blue text test. Look at your iPhone. So many
women come up to me at parties or wherever. They'll
just hand me the phone and go what does his
(20:52):
text mean? I don't even have to read his text.
I just look at how much blue text is on
the right side of the screen that's her writing, and
how much green on the other side of gray or
whatever it is, And I just say, this is the problem.
He writes, three words, and you write fourteen paragraphs, and
you send three texts for his everyone text. Being selectively
(21:14):
available means responding to messages in a timely manner, but
not overdoing it and not texting again and again. It
also doesn't mean just ignoring him and making the poor
guy text over and over to somehow prove something. And finally,
and I swear this is the most important. Be vulnerable
with boundaries, Be carefully vulnerable. Share your feelings, your thoughts,
(21:37):
your concerns. This is how you grow intimacy. But when
I say carefully, I mean you don't trauma dump at
the very beginning, right. It might take five dates for
you to open up right, reveal yourself gradually and genuinely.
And this is how you will look attractive. Have boundaries,
(22:01):
but you will also be open and honest. Okay, this
is not playing hard to get. This is how you
do it. Hey, when we come back, I am heading
to my social media to answer your relationship questions. If
you have a relationship question for me, just head over
to my Instagram. We're ignoring TikTok right now the Instagram
and send a DM to at doctor Wendy Walsh, and
(22:21):
I'm going to weigh in on your love life when
we come back.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Okay, this is the part of the show where I
love to answer your relationship questions. Answer your relationship questions
because I have opinions and I have wisdom. Reminder, I'm
not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. I tell you
to go to therapy a lot, though, don't I. But
I have written three books on relationships. I wrote a
(22:53):
dissertation on attachment theory. I'm a woman of a certain
age who's had every kind of relationship on the planet.
I got some skills when it comes to knowledge of
interpersonal relationships. So try me. If you want to send
me a question, send me a DM on Instagram at
Dr Wendy Walsh. He's the Instagram handle. Send me a DM.
(23:14):
I'll look for it. If I don't get it this week,
we'll answer it next week. Okay, here's the first one.
Dear Doctor Wendy, how can I effectively express emotional needs
to my boyfriend without him feeling criticized or overwhelmed? He
(23:34):
shuts down so easily. Well, I remember I had a
psychology professor who said, the biggest problem when people talk
about something tender is they get right into talking about
the tender thing, and they know, like you said, he
shuts down. He's going to shut down, he's not going
to be open to it. So this psychology professor always said,
(24:00):
always comment on the dynamic before you get into the stuff.
So you might say, hey, I notice whenever I talk
about something emotional, you get really quiet, and I feel
(24:20):
kind of rejected when that happens, and I'm wondering what's
really going on for you. See, you just stayed on
your feelings. You didn't blame, you didn't fingerpoint, you just said,
I notice you get a little silent when I talk
about tender things. And so instead of just blindsiding him
with you know, I have emotional needs and you do
not meet my needs. I need you to do more
(24:42):
of it. Well, I would shut down too. I'm not
saying that's what you say, but some people do. Right.
And then when you do get to the aft you've
learned a little more about him, say okay, well I
understand maybe there's a way I can say things more
carefully in the future. Whatever, And you're going to learn
about perhaps his family of origin and how everything you know,
(25:03):
that's how, that's what he learned, et cetera. And then
you're gonna say something specific, not, well, my emotional needs
are not being met in this relationship. You know what
that means? Nothing? You want to be really specific, Like, hey,
(25:23):
whenever I tell you something I did at work today,
it would be so great if you would say, oh,
I'm so proud of you or good work. It's great
to hear so that I felt like you're on my
team and my cheerleader, instead of like, so I knew
you'd get the promotion. You know you're good, right, So
(25:45):
all you have to do is explain a situation. Explain
what you would like to have happened in the most
loving voice possible, never demanding. Got it, But first find
out why he shuts down. Maybe it's the way you're
bringing stuff up. Maybe it has to do with how
his mother brought stuff up. Who knows? Explore be a
(26:07):
feeling detective. All right, Moving along, Dear doctor Wendy, I
am in a same sex female relationship and need to
know how I can address recurring passive aggressive behavior. I
don't want her to get angry, but I sometimes feel
she doesn't really like me as a person. Wow. Okay,
(26:28):
so first of all, I'm going to assume this recurring
passive aggressive behavior is coming from her, not you, because
you just said recurring passive aggressive behavior, but you didn't
really say so. Here's the thing. It's your fear of
quote unquote getting her angry. That's the problem. Don't be
(26:53):
afraid of feelings. She's allowed to get angry if her
angry is if our anger is dangerous for you though
that I mean more than emostly dangerous physically, that's a problem. Right.
But this I feel she doesn't really like me as
a person thing. I'm curious about that because I'm wondering
(27:14):
how much of this is baggage that you might have
brought into the relationship yourself, this feeling of you know,
I'm less than in this relationship, or maybe you're insecure
in some way. So I think maybe the conversation might
be something like, do you know there's lots of tender
(27:36):
topics I'd like to bring up, But for some reason,
I have this crazy fear that you'll get angry, and
for some reason, I'm so afraid of your anger. How
can we resolve that. Remember that word? How? How? How
can we resolve that? And she'll goes, your babe, what
does you want to talk about? Well? I don't know.
I mean, I don't know if it's me or you,
(27:58):
But sometimes I feel like you don't really like me,
and I don't know if that's just inside of me. No,
it's just you, That's what they're gonna say. Uh, But
then you can explore ask different ways you can do this,
I promise, all right? Moving along? How should I bring
up mist matched mismatched sex drives with my wife without
(28:22):
making her feel pressured or inadequate? I told her during
an intimacy building conversation that my ex was the best
sex I'd ever had, and since then she's been super
sensitive whenever I try to discuss my sexual needs. Really,
what a flip and surprise. You called that an intimacy
(28:44):
building conversation. That was a fear building conversation. You told
your wife that your ex was better in bed than her.
Oh my goodness, it's gonna take you some time to
reel this back. I'm sorry. That was just not the
thing to say, right. Did you know that, my sweet Julio,
(29:06):
my husband used to date Madonna. I'm sure the sex
was off the charts and great it was way back when.
But anyway, it doesn't bother me because I'm secure. However,
during an intimacy building conversation, what the heck? So now
it's on you. You got to help raise her self esteem.
(29:28):
This shouldn't be about you asking for your sexual needs
to be met at this point. I'm sorry. This is
the time for you to make her feel great. Let
her know how gorgeous her body is. Let her know
of the things you like, give her compliments because it's
going to take a while to heal after that. You
actually told her that your ex was better in bed.
(29:51):
Oh dude, dude, dude, dude, That's not how you build intimacy.
An intimacy building conversation is sharing a little fantasies with
each other, talking about what each of you like and
don't like. That's all building intimacy, right, But comparing her
(30:11):
to another mate? Oh yu yu yu yui, I'm sorry,
you got bad news for me.
Speaker 3 (30:17):
All right.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
When we come back, I'm going to continue to delve
into my social media DMS and answer your relationship questions.
If you want to send me a DM, send it
to at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh
on Instagram. That's where I'm checking. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
(30:40):
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.
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