November 2, 2025 • 27 mins
Dr. Wendy is talking about deadbeat to dusty and why the generations always rename the term? PLUS we are talking to Richard Taite, an Encino native who overcame homelessness and addiction. He is now one of the nation's leading recovery experts. His new book is "Experiencing Transcendence: The Freedom of Recovering from Addiction and Trauma" which introduces a concept called Transcendence, a sixth and final stage of recovery that moves beyond simply managing a condition to a state of complete healing and freedom. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. So I'm sitting in my car
this morning and that TLC song that you just heard
came on about scrubs and you're not going out with
me at whatever, And I thought to myself, where does
(00:23):
that word come from? What is the history of the
word scrub. I mean, in the nineties, when we ran
around single we all knew what it meant. Well, apparently
it is actually a basketball term that that's like the
person who sits on the bench and he doesn't actually
(00:43):
get to play very much, and he's like the guy
who the stars used to shoot against or something. Anyway,
it also means he's a low investment man. So I
started to think about, like all the words that women
have for so called low investment men. Now, before we
(01:06):
go any further, I just want to tell everybody that
I love men. In fact, I think the biggest problem
many complaining single women have is they can't open up
their eyes and look around them and see the great
fabulous guys out there. You know, some of those blue
collar guys make so much money these days, you better
(01:26):
be looking harder at plumbers, electricians, carpenters seriously, hea, heavy
equipment operators, those guys working on the streets digging stuff up. Seriously, ladies,
their paychecks look fine. And if the apocalypse ever happens,
I don't know, the zombie apocalypse or a major fires
(01:47):
or like a grid goes down. Do you want a
do weeby little guy who only knows how to touch a
keyboard and try to make money online. No, you want
a guy who owns duct tape, lots of it, and
knows how to use tools and all own them. That's
going to save you. Just sorry, I'm off the soap
box now. I just had to get that out before
I talk about low investment men. Even those good guys
(02:11):
know that there are a bunch of fronters out there.
These are the guys who try so hard to get
women's attention, but they really don't have much to offer.
And every decade it seems like women reinvent the word,
they find another another word to call these guys. Okay,
(02:32):
so if you're wondering, gen z, the young people in
their early twenties now call them the bare minimum boy
a bare minimum boyfriend. Okay, And actually the other day
I was in a coffee shop and I heard two
young gen Z women talking about a guy that one
of them had dated, and the other one said, Oh,
he's so dusty, and I thought, does he not take showers?
(02:54):
Is he like pig pen? I don't really get it,
and then I realized that free era has a label
for a low investment mail. Let's go through it. Maybe
you are going to date yourself when when you hear
the word is familiar to you. In the sixties and seventies,
(03:15):
the word was deadbeat that eventually morphed into dead beat
dads apparently, and it just really was more about a
man because gender roles were more traditional back then, so
it tended to talk about a man who didn't fulfill
his financial responsibilities or his family responsibilities. And remember this
was a time when women were just beginning to push
(03:36):
for independence and so society only thought of men mostly
as providers. In the eighties, the term was more often
the slack, the slacker. The slacker, I mean, pop culture
made the slacker famous. Remember Fast Times at Ridgemont High
and the gen x stereotype. He was basically non ambitious.
(03:58):
He was a couch surfer. He had no plans, no goals,
no emergencies because he didn't schedule anything to begin with.
He's a true slacker. And then in the nineties TLC
made the scrub famous.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
It started to show up in Black American slang, but
then it launched into the mainstream because of the TLC song. Right,
and it referred to, as I mentioned, the second string
or bench player, so when not good enough to start
often used as practice. Right. And then in the two thousands,
it was the player, the player, or the F boy
(04:37):
F boy. You can figure out what the F means,
the F boy. And here's where we were seeing a
lot of hookup culture. We also saw dating apps explode
around this time.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Suddenly, emotional investment started to matter for women, and so
when a guy was only interested in sex, he was
called a player or an F boy. Now we're in
the twenty twenties and gen Z has come up with
two things, the dusty and the bare minimum boy. So
the dusty and the bare minimum boy. The focus now
(05:12):
is really on emotions and particularly emotional labor. Gentlemen, if
you're listening or if you have a son, who's in
their twenties. I'm telling you what women want is not. Yeah,
there's a small subset that wants the trad wife life
because that's all on TikTok, But this is a small group.
The rest of them just want a guy who has feelings,
(05:33):
like guy who has some empathy, some sympathy for them. Right,
the focus now is on this emotional labor. I've always said,
don't fall in love with potential, right, fall in love
with the reality. So if you talk to an evolutionary psychologist,
(05:57):
they would say that traditional sex is a much higher
risk cobby for women than it is for men. Right,
we have greater biological risk when we're choosing a mate.
So there's more chance that a woman will fall in
love through a standalone sexual relationship because our body emits
so much oxytocin, the big bonding hormone. The only other
(06:19):
time in a woman's life where she emits that much
oxytocin is during breastfeeding, so she can bond with her child.
The other thing, because of women's very unique biology, is
women are more likely to contract an STI through sex
than men arts. Just the way you know, it's dark,
it's warm, it's wet bacteria love to thrive there, just saying,
(06:42):
and women, of course have much more chance of contracting
an eighteen year case of parenthood.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
So sex was pretty risky still is pretty risky for
women to matter. You can try to, you know, reduce
the risks certain ways, but otherwise, like you know, birth control, condoms,
et cetera. So women over the years have developed a
shared warning system, and this is social language that is
used to signal to other women avoid this dude. He's risky.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
So, I don't know whether you call him a deadbeat,
whether you call him a slacker, a scrub, a player,
an f boy, or maybe he's dusty. I don't know.
It just sounds like he doesn't make a shower, just say.
And when I hear the dusty thing, it's pretty much
been the same archetype. He's a low investment male, but
he often tries hard to get a woman. And every
generation of women updates that language and remember the goals
(07:38):
not to insult men. I'm telling you, my husband will
tell me that there are bad guys out there. He's
not saying they're all good, trust me. There's a range.
Evolutionary psychologists know that we have the widest range of
sexual behavior and paternal that's with a paternal investment of
any primate species. So one guy's investment in a kids
(08:00):
might be a teaspoon of sperm. Another guy's investment in
his kids might be that he becomes a softball throwing,
baby wearing, carpool driving, doting dad. And I tell women
all the time, you should be auditioning dads, not boyfriends.
You shouldn't be looking for.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
A six pack.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
All right, when we come back, we're going to get
serious for a minute. I have a very special guest,
a local guy who founded an addiction treatment center, remember
at Cliffside, Malibu, and now he has Carrera Treatment, Wellness
and SPA. He has been helping people, saving families, helping
(08:41):
people overcome addiction for years. His hit podcast, where Out
of Time, can be found on the irt radio app,
and he has a new book coming out. So if
you struggle with addiction, if anyone in your family struggles
with addiction, you are not going to want to miss
what I have coming back.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty. Now.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
If you or someone you love has struggled with addiction
and who sounds like a commercial A struggle addiction call
the number. No, I'm not saying that. I have a
guest who I really think you should listen to. Local
boy from Encino in the valley here. His name is
Richard Tait, and he has become one of the nation's
(09:28):
leading recovery experts. You probably heard of Cliffside Malibu. We've
all heard of that one. It was a place where
the celebrities would go so they could be all quiet
about their problems. He founded that. Now he works with
a place called Carrera Treatments, Treatment, Wellness and spa. Like
adding the spa thing and too, Richard makes it more exciting.
Welcome to the show.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Thank you, thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
The first thing I want to ask you I was
reading your bio. You yourself overcame addiction, but you also
were homeless at one point.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Yeah, I lost twenty five years to addiction. And at
the end, you know, the money all drives up and
you can't go to these motel sixes anymore, and you
don't have the thirty dollars a night to do it.
So my best thinking was to sneak on boats in
(10:18):
the marina wow. Yeah. And on the second night, people
came home to their boat and I was scared beyond
belief and I just started running and I had nowhere
to go. You know.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
It's funny. The other night, my husband and I were
walking doing our late night walk around the marina, and
we were looking into the boat, like looking from afar
and saying, oh, they actually live on their boat. There's
a light on there. Look, they have black sheets down,
but you can see the crack of light. They're watching Netflix.
And we could see who was living on boats and
who wasn't. And then my husband actually said, what keeps homeless?
People are just walking on and sleeping on these boats. Right,
(10:58):
It's actually a thing.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
It's actually thing. And I didn't know that and I
never saw anybody else, but that was my best thinking.
I had nowhere to go.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
And so, what was your rock bottom or do you
have to hit rock bottom anymore? Or what was your
moment that caused you to really finally heal?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Well, now you can't wait for rock bottom because seventy
percent of the street drugs have ventanyl in them, and
one out of every six pills or so has a
lethal dose of ventanyl in it. So that's over.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
We all know people who lost young adults during COVID
to this ventanyl crisis. You think everybody knows a family
who lost somebody.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
That's right, and it's the most heartbreaking thing. Look, there's
nothing more unnatural than bearing your child. Just the thought
of it makes my throat start to close. Yeah, yeah,
it's so you know, we're out of time. That's the
name of my podcast. Not to plug anything here, but
(11:58):
I hope you're going to be on. Oh, I definitely
want to come on, thank God. And yeah, that's my
story and I'm sticking to it.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
So this is a show about love and relationships. And
I would say that addiction. You know when people say
I'm all about secure relationships, hanging in there doing the work,
But I always say, except if the relationship is toxic,
if there's emotional abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence, child abuse,
and addiction. Did you lose your relationship because of this?
Speaker 2 (12:32):
You know, I wasn't big on relationships when I was using,
so I didn't have a healthy relationship. Ever, so that's
not now I lost I lost the relationship when I
started working around the clock because it's a twenty four hour,
seven day a week three hundred and sixty five day
year business. So when you're working like that, you're working
(12:56):
pretty much around the clock, sixteen to eighteen hours.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
And this is the business of helping others regards it's correct.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Well, Look, if you leave your wife sitting in a
restaurant on date.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Night or because someone's having a crisis.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
That's right, or in a movie theater alone. You know,
there's only so many times somebody with self esteem is
going to tolerate that, right. But if a father left
his daughter with me and she's an intravenous heroin user
and she's been there for three weeks and her system's clean,
she's going to go out and use the same amount
(13:33):
of heroine that she did before, and she's not going
to be able to and she's not going to have
the tolerance for it, right because her system's clean. So
you know what am I supposed to tell the father?
I'm sorry it was date night? Right?
Speaker 1 (13:45):
So I also want to say, and I'm sure you're
well aware of this that Sigmund Freud said, one of
the most healthy defenses against psychic pain is sublimation. Sublimation
is taking your own pain, finding others who have the
same pain and attending to them and caring for that.
And at the same time there are two brains listening.
As you're caring for that young girl, you're reinforcing the
(14:06):
self care that you need. So part of your recoveryce
and indeed survival, I would venture to guess, is caring
for others.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
You cannot think of your own problems and be of
service to others and still think about your problems. You can't.
It goes one way or the other. So the second
you take your full focus and you put it on
another human being, there's no room in your mind for
your own problems. There just isn't.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
And you're doing such good. Now I understand that you
have helped more than ten thousand families who have a
family member who suffered from addiction. What advice do you
give if there is if there are marital problems talking
specifically about relationships.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Here, well, if it's merit, well, if it's marital problems
with a child. Because of the child, you have to
be aligned. There is no separation, and so.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Therefore you end up treating the whole family even though
there's one person who's addicted.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Always. But what I would suggest before you start dealing
with the child is get a therapist for the parents
to sit there and talk about a strategy in dealing
with the child. This isn't something you're winging. Okay, you
have to go in with a strategy and a plan.
It's just like a marriage, you know, You've got to
be strategic about it, right.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
It is a marriage than exactly that's exactly right. It's
funny because I had a teacher once who was a
marriage and family therapist, and she was teaching us family
systems therapy, and she said, you know, all we dream
of when they come in with a family members say
fix this person or fix that person. And that's what
(15:59):
we call the ident to find patient. All we wish
we could do is send all the miners home and
just work with the adults. Right, even though they'll often
say it's this teenager who's using cannabis, or it's this
you know, this is our problem. It obviously is a
system that works together like a machine. But really the
adults should be handling these problems.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Well, they're the parents right right, and these children are
walking around with you know, not even a full brain, right,
your frontal cortex doesn't isn't even developed into your what
twenty three, twenty five.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
In there twenty five if you're not using cannabis. I
heard an addiction counselor tell me a psychologist the other
day that for every year you're using cannabis, add another
year to waiting for the prefrontal cortex to develop. I'm like,
oh my gosh, so many FEMA.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
I don't know if that's true, but I do know
that if you're smoking pot before the age of twenty five,
you're changing the chemical makeup of your brain, and you're
you're not getting out of that brain the full power
that you would have had. That I know for sure.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
That's for sure. When we come back, I want to
talk specifically about You have a new book coming out
came out just this month, right fresh fresh off the press.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Hit number one yesterday. Wow.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
It is called I forgot to add that you host.
This is Richard Taate. He hosts a hit podcast called
We're Out of Time. It ranks number one in mental health,
number one in health and Fitness, and top twenty overall
on Apple Podcasts. I'm sure people can find it on
the iHeartRadio app, where all the podcasts in the world are.
The new book is called Experiencing Transcendent, The Freedom of
(17:41):
Recovering from Addiction and Trauma, and we're going to talk
about that when we come back.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
My guest Richard Tate, a man who has done so
much to help so many people who struggle with addiction,
someone who has been in recovery himself for a very
long time, runs Carrera Treatment, Wellness and SPA. His new
book Experiencing Transcendence, The Freedom of Recovering from Addiction and Trauma. Richard,
(18:16):
what is transcendence doesn't sound scientific to me.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Transcendence is like the sixth stage of change. So the
first stage is complete denial, right, and then you go
to am, I sure, maybe it's a problem, And then
you go all the way through the stages until you
get to maintenance. Maintenance is about staying sober one day
(18:40):
at a time, taking the right action after the next
right action after the next right action. Transcendence very few
people get, but you can get it. You can get it,
and what that means is you no longer have a
problem with drugs and alcohol. Wow, you've transcended that.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Literally forgetting.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
You're an addict, you don't forget, okay, but it has
no pull on you at all. Right, so you have
to think of it like this. Okay, the AA way,
which I love AA by the way. Okay, it gave
me a great foundation.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
We know the twelve step works.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
We do, we do, but people need more. Okay, some
people need more. And I was one of those people
that needed more. Okay, I mean, thank god there was more,
because I guarantee you ten thousand families are grateful that
I didn't die and it was close, you know.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
So so what are the things that people can do.
Let's say they are somebody in recovery who still live
in that day to day maintenance phase. What are the
things that help them towards transcendence.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Well, here's the thing. Most people never get there. What
they do is they white knock lit, right, They just
they're they're just a great metaphor. Well it's not mine,
it's AA's, but you know, they're white knuckling it and
they're just kissing God's rear, begging him to stay sober
all day long. And you know what, nobody loves God
(20:15):
more than me. But I got to tell you that's
not good for thriving. Okay, it's not you're you're you're
you're taking so much energy trying to stay sober. Where's
the energy for thriving and living your best life? Okay?
And so transcendence is about you're not saddled with this
(20:37):
disease forever. It's not a disease model. It's if you
do the work, if you're going to therapy all the time,
if you're working on yourself right, if you've created something
in your life that is more valuable to you than
the drinking and using, then you can have transcendence. But
(20:57):
you gotta work for it. You gotta work.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
Okay, I'm going to give you probably the worst metaphor,
but it just seemed to come into my head and
it made so much sense to me. So I nursed
each of my kids for three years. And weaning a
toddler is no pretty thing. I mean, the breast and
breast milk is their everything. It's their comfort, it helps
them go to sleep at night, it's their food source.
It is everything. And I remember reading a book on
(21:21):
how to wean a toddler off their favorite heroine, which
is mother's milk, and it said you can't just take
away something, you have to replace it with a different
kind of mother. And so while the sleeping in three
sports bras and a turtleneck was part of the thing,
the other part is literally doing more reading time with
(21:42):
them or more play time with them, helping them understand
that losing something is not so bad when they're gaining
something else. So it sounds like part of transcendence for
somebody struggling with addiction is about finding new passions and
new loves.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
The only thing I heard in that whole thing was
you breastfed your kids for six years. For six years,
I mean, we were breastfeeding for two years or a
year and a half. And I asked my ex, I'm like,
you're waiting for the kid to get a car before
you stop this.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
I just kept reading all these books about brain development
and blah blah blah. Okay, so my kid did go
to Harvard, so there it is.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
There it is, and never got sick.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
It barely got sick one time. Was that strep throat
thing that first year.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
That's the greatest thing, you know, we we did that,
we had the way we weaned off that was we
just you know, I'm sure you did too, you froze
all of milk, right, yeah, and then over time, oh.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
You moved different breast. My kids were so flipping spoiled
that they never learned or they refused rubber nipples, so
they only had it from the source their entire life.
Oh that's and people would say she's pacifying herself on you,
and I go, I know that's what you need to
(23:00):
do right now.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
That's so you want to know what that's so wonderful,
so oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
But anyway, that's what I thought of because I remember
how hard it was that all night and the crying,
and I realized they were giving up their first drug, right,
and how do we replace it? Right? And finding a
way to not just distract ourselves and as you say,
not to white knuckle it and say I'm strong and
I can get through this. But how about there's something
else that I'm so passionate about, and for you, would
(23:29):
you say it's about the giving that you've done for
others and continue to do.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Listen, I only know one way, okay, and it's different
from everyone else. Okay. I believe when you walk into
a treatment center, you're so full of shame. Okay, that
to kick somebody when they're down is the ultimate and disrespect. Okay,
I would never do something like that. So love is
(23:55):
our base. And drug addicts and alcoholics are extremely talented,
and they're all suspicious, and they all think it's about
the money, and the second they think that, okay, you've
lost the alliance that you need, the therapeutic alliance that
you need in order to make change. So really, what
(24:17):
I've got is two hundred and fifty of the sweetest
souls you'll ever meet, and the first one hundred whereby
invitation only, okay, and I don't know if that's ever
been done. And the reason it was so important to
us is because we've never had someone here who is
desensitized to the process of helping another human being, because
(24:41):
if we did, that person would be shown the door. Obviously,
this is a love call, That's what it is. It's
a love call and it means everything because that's the foundation.
Unless you have that foundation, there is no treatment. There
is no healing because they're not open, they're not cracked up.
You know.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
A few weeks ago I had the head of cannabis
research from UCLA here on.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
The show, Doctor Timothy pome Yes.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
He's so great, and he was saying that there's an
epidemic in cannabis, Like so many parents are so happy
that their gen Z kids aren't drinking alcohol. They're just
so excited that they're not drinking, but they're using so
much cannabis, right, And is the journey the same whether
someone's kid is addicted to cannabis or alcohol or is
(25:29):
a little different.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
It's a little different. I mean, you know, alcohol affects
your decision making, right, so the second you're on alcohol,
you think it's a good idea to get behind the
wheel of a car, or to buy illegal drugs off
the street, or you know any number of stupid things
that can Remember when we talked about at the beginning
when I said their frontal cortex isn't developed, so now
(25:52):
they're drunk on top of it and they think they're indestructible,
and those are three horrible combinations together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's my take on that.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Where can people get your book, Experience Transcendence.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Richard Experiencing Transcendence You can get on Amazon dot com.
It just hit number one yesterday on what was it,
the Kimball the Kindle Kindle. Yeah, yeah, right, whatever that is,
and we're doing really well. It just came out a month.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Ago, experiencing transcendence, the freedom of recovering from addiction and trauma.
My Richard Tate, Richard, what a pleasure to meet you
here in the studio. Thanks for being with us.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
The pleasure was all mine and that.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Sadly for me because I'd like to be here all night.
Brings the Doctor Wendywall Show to a close. Have you
missed any part of the show. Remember producer Kayla puts
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(27:02):
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(27:27):
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iHeartRadio app
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. So I'm sitting in my car
this morning and that TLC song that you just heard
came on about scrubs and you're not going out with
me at whatever, And I thought to myself, where does
(00:23):
that word come from? What is the history of the
word scrub. I mean, in the nineties, when we ran
around single we all knew what it meant. Well, apparently
it is actually a basketball term that that's like the
person who sits on the bench and he doesn't actually
(00:43):
get to play very much, and he's like the guy
who the stars used to shoot against or something. Anyway,
it also means he's a low investment man. So I
started to think about, like all the words that women
have for so called low investment men. Now, before we
(01:06):
go any further, I just want to tell everybody that
I love men. In fact, I think the biggest problem
many complaining single women have is they can't open up
their eyes and look around them and see the great
fabulous guys out there. You know, some of those blue
collar guys make so much money these days, you better
(01:26):
be looking harder at plumbers, electricians, carpenters seriously, hea, heavy
equipment operators, those guys working on the streets digging stuff up. Seriously, ladies,
their paychecks look fine. And if the apocalypse ever happens,
I don't know, the zombie apocalypse or a major fires
(01:47):
or like a grid goes down. Do you want a
do weeby little guy who only knows how to touch a
keyboard and try to make money online. No, you want
a guy who owns duct tape, lots of it, and
knows how to use tools and all own them. That's
going to save you. Just sorry, I'm off the soap
box now. I just had to get that out before
I talk about low investment men. Even those good guys
(02:11):
know that there are a bunch of fronters out there.
These are the guys who try so hard to get
women's attention, but they really don't have much to offer.
And every decade it seems like women reinvent the word,
they find another another word to call these guys. Okay,
(02:32):
so if you're wondering, gen z, the young people in
their early twenties now call them the bare minimum boy
a bare minimum boyfriend. Okay, And actually the other day
I was in a coffee shop and I heard two
young gen Z women talking about a guy that one
of them had dated, and the other one said, Oh,
he's so dusty, and I thought, does he not take showers?
(02:54):
Is he like pig pen? I don't really get it,
and then I realized that free era has a label
for a low investment mail. Let's go through it. Maybe
you are going to date yourself when when you hear
the word is familiar to you. In the sixties and seventies,
(03:15):
the word was deadbeat that eventually morphed into dead beat
dads apparently, and it just really was more about a
man because gender roles were more traditional back then, so
it tended to talk about a man who didn't fulfill
his financial responsibilities or his family responsibilities. And remember this
was a time when women were just beginning to push
(03:36):
for independence and so society only thought of men mostly
as providers. In the eighties, the term was more often
the slack, the slacker. The slacker, I mean, pop culture
made the slacker famous. Remember Fast Times at Ridgemont High
and the gen x stereotype. He was basically non ambitious.
(03:58):
He was a couch surfer. He had no plans, no goals,
no emergencies because he didn't schedule anything to begin with.
He's a true slacker. And then in the nineties TLC
made the scrub famous.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
It started to show up in Black American slang, but
then it launched into the mainstream because of the TLC song. Right,
and it referred to, as I mentioned, the second string
or bench player, so when not good enough to start
often used as practice. Right. And then in the two thousands,
it was the player, the player, or the F boy
(04:37):
F boy. You can figure out what the F means,
the F boy. And here's where we were seeing a
lot of hookup culture. We also saw dating apps explode
around this time.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Suddenly, emotional investment started to matter for women, and so
when a guy was only interested in sex, he was
called a player or an F boy. Now we're in
the twenty twenties and gen Z has come up with
two things, the dusty and the bare minimum boy. So
the dusty and the bare minimum boy. The focus now
(05:12):
is really on emotions and particularly emotional labor. Gentlemen, if
you're listening or if you have a son, who's in
their twenties. I'm telling you what women want is not. Yeah,
there's a small subset that wants the trad wife life
because that's all on TikTok, But this is a small group.
The rest of them just want a guy who has feelings,
(05:33):
like guy who has some empathy, some sympathy for them. Right,
the focus now is on this emotional labor. I've always said,
don't fall in love with potential, right, fall in love
with the reality. So if you talk to an evolutionary psychologist,
(05:57):
they would say that traditional sex is a much higher
risk cobby for women than it is for men. Right,
we have greater biological risk when we're choosing a mate.
So there's more chance that a woman will fall in
love through a standalone sexual relationship because our body emits
so much oxytocin, the big bonding hormone. The only other
(06:19):
time in a woman's life where she emits that much
oxytocin is during breastfeeding, so she can bond with her child.
The other thing, because of women's very unique biology, is
women are more likely to contract an STI through sex
than men arts. Just the way you know, it's dark,
it's warm, it's wet bacteria love to thrive there, just saying,
(06:42):
and women, of course have much more chance of contracting
an eighteen year case of parenthood.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
So sex was pretty risky still is pretty risky for
women to matter. You can try to, you know, reduce
the risks certain ways, but otherwise, like you know, birth control, condoms,
et cetera. So women over the years have developed a
shared warning system, and this is social language that is
used to signal to other women avoid this dude. He's risky.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
So, I don't know whether you call him a deadbeat,
whether you call him a slacker, a scrub, a player,
an f boy, or maybe he's dusty. I don't know.
It just sounds like he doesn't make a shower, just say.
And when I hear the dusty thing, it's pretty much
been the same archetype. He's a low investment male, but
he often tries hard to get a woman. And every
generation of women updates that language and remember the goals
(07:38):
not to insult men. I'm telling you, my husband will
tell me that there are bad guys out there. He's
not saying they're all good, trust me. There's a range.
Evolutionary psychologists know that we have the widest range of
sexual behavior and paternal that's with a paternal investment of
any primate species. So one guy's investment in a kids
(08:00):
might be a teaspoon of sperm. Another guy's investment in
his kids might be that he becomes a softball throwing,
baby wearing, carpool driving, doting dad. And I tell women
all the time, you should be auditioning dads, not boyfriends.
You shouldn't be looking for.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
A six pack.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
All right, when we come back, we're going to get
serious for a minute. I have a very special guest,
a local guy who founded an addiction treatment center, remember
at Cliffside, Malibu, and now he has Carrera Treatment, Wellness
and SPA. He has been helping people, saving families, helping
(08:41):
people overcome addiction for years. His hit podcast, where Out
of Time, can be found on the irt radio app,
and he has a new book coming out. So if
you struggle with addiction, if anyone in your family struggles
with addiction, you are not going to want to miss
what I have coming back.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty. Now.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
If you or someone you love has struggled with addiction
and who sounds like a commercial A struggle addiction call
the number. No, I'm not saying that. I have a
guest who I really think you should listen to. Local
boy from Encino in the valley here. His name is
Richard Tait, and he has become one of the nation's
(09:28):
leading recovery experts. You probably heard of Cliffside Malibu. We've
all heard of that one. It was a place where
the celebrities would go so they could be all quiet
about their problems. He founded that. Now he works with
a place called Carrera Treatments, Treatment, Wellness and spa. Like
adding the spa thing and too, Richard makes it more exciting.
Welcome to the show.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Thank you, thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
The first thing I want to ask you I was
reading your bio. You yourself overcame addiction, but you also
were homeless at one point.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Yeah, I lost twenty five years to addiction. And at
the end, you know, the money all drives up and
you can't go to these motel sixes anymore, and you
don't have the thirty dollars a night to do it.
So my best thinking was to sneak on boats in
(10:18):
the marina wow. Yeah. And on the second night, people
came home to their boat and I was scared beyond
belief and I just started running and I had nowhere
to go. You know.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
It's funny. The other night, my husband and I were
walking doing our late night walk around the marina, and
we were looking into the boat, like looking from afar
and saying, oh, they actually live on their boat. There's
a light on there. Look, they have black sheets down,
but you can see the crack of light. They're watching Netflix.
And we could see who was living on boats and
who wasn't. And then my husband actually said, what keeps homeless?
People are just walking on and sleeping on these boats. Right,
(10:58):
It's actually a thing.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
It's actually thing. And I didn't know that and I
never saw anybody else, but that was my best thinking.
I had nowhere to go.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
And so, what was your rock bottom or do you
have to hit rock bottom anymore? Or what was your
moment that caused you to really finally heal?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Well, now you can't wait for rock bottom because seventy
percent of the street drugs have ventanyl in them, and
one out of every six pills or so has a
lethal dose of ventanyl in it. So that's over.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
We all know people who lost young adults during COVID
to this ventanyl crisis. You think everybody knows a family
who lost somebody.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
That's right, and it's the most heartbreaking thing. Look, there's
nothing more unnatural than bearing your child. Just the thought
of it makes my throat start to close. Yeah, yeah,
it's so you know, we're out of time. That's the
name of my podcast. Not to plug anything here, but
(11:58):
I hope you're going to be on. Oh, I definitely
want to come on, thank God. And yeah, that's my
story and I'm sticking to it.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
So this is a show about love and relationships. And
I would say that addiction. You know when people say
I'm all about secure relationships, hanging in there doing the work,
But I always say, except if the relationship is toxic,
if there's emotional abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence, child abuse,
and addiction. Did you lose your relationship because of this?
Speaker 2 (12:32):
You know, I wasn't big on relationships when I was using,
so I didn't have a healthy relationship. Ever, so that's
not now I lost I lost the relationship when I
started working around the clock because it's a twenty four hour,
seven day a week three hundred and sixty five day
year business. So when you're working like that, you're working
(12:56):
pretty much around the clock, sixteen to eighteen hours.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
And this is the business of helping others regards it's correct.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Well, Look, if you leave your wife sitting in a
restaurant on date.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Night or because someone's having a crisis.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
That's right, or in a movie theater alone. You know,
there's only so many times somebody with self esteem is
going to tolerate that, right. But if a father left
his daughter with me and she's an intravenous heroin user
and she's been there for three weeks and her system's clean,
she's going to go out and use the same amount
(13:33):
of heroine that she did before, and she's not going
to be able to and she's not going to have
the tolerance for it, right because her system's clean. So
you know what am I supposed to tell the father?
I'm sorry it was date night? Right?
Speaker 1 (13:45):
So I also want to say, and I'm sure you're
well aware of this that Sigmund Freud said, one of
the most healthy defenses against psychic pain is sublimation. Sublimation
is taking your own pain, finding others who have the
same pain and attending to them and caring for that.
And at the same time there are two brains listening.
As you're caring for that young girl, you're reinforcing the
(14:06):
self care that you need. So part of your recoveryce
and indeed survival, I would venture to guess, is caring
for others.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
You cannot think of your own problems and be of
service to others and still think about your problems. You can't.
It goes one way or the other. So the second
you take your full focus and you put it on
another human being, there's no room in your mind for
your own problems. There just isn't.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
And you're doing such good. Now I understand that you
have helped more than ten thousand families who have a
family member who suffered from addiction. What advice do you
give if there is if there are marital problems talking
specifically about relationships.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Here, well, if it's merit, well, if it's marital problems
with a child. Because of the child, you have to
be aligned. There is no separation, and so.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Therefore you end up treating the whole family even though
there's one person who's addicted.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Always. But what I would suggest before you start dealing
with the child is get a therapist for the parents
to sit there and talk about a strategy in dealing
with the child. This isn't something you're winging. Okay, you
have to go in with a strategy and a plan.
It's just like a marriage, you know, You've got to
be strategic about it, right.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
It is a marriage than exactly that's exactly right. It's
funny because I had a teacher once who was a
marriage and family therapist, and she was teaching us family
systems therapy, and she said, you know, all we dream
of when they come in with a family members say
fix this person or fix that person. And that's what
(15:59):
we call the ident to find patient. All we wish
we could do is send all the miners home and
just work with the adults. Right, even though they'll often
say it's this teenager who's using cannabis, or it's this
you know, this is our problem. It obviously is a
system that works together like a machine. But really the
adults should be handling these problems.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Well, they're the parents right right, and these children are
walking around with you know, not even a full brain, right,
your frontal cortex doesn't isn't even developed into your what
twenty three, twenty five.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
In there twenty five if you're not using cannabis. I
heard an addiction counselor tell me a psychologist the other
day that for every year you're using cannabis, add another
year to waiting for the prefrontal cortex to develop. I'm like,
oh my gosh, so many FEMA.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
I don't know if that's true, but I do know
that if you're smoking pot before the age of twenty five,
you're changing the chemical makeup of your brain, and you're
you're not getting out of that brain the full power
that you would have had. That I know for sure.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
That's for sure. When we come back, I want to
talk specifically about You have a new book coming out
came out just this month, right fresh fresh off the press.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Hit number one yesterday. Wow.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
It is called I forgot to add that you host.
This is Richard Taate. He hosts a hit podcast called
We're Out of Time. It ranks number one in mental health,
number one in health and Fitness, and top twenty overall
on Apple Podcasts. I'm sure people can find it on
the iHeartRadio app, where all the podcasts in the world are.
The new book is called Experiencing Transcendent, The Freedom of
(17:41):
Recovering from Addiction and Trauma, and we're going to talk
about that when we come back.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
My guest Richard Tate, a man who has done so
much to help so many people who struggle with addiction,
someone who has been in recovery himself for a very
long time, runs Carrera Treatment, Wellness and SPA. His new
book Experiencing Transcendence, The Freedom of Recovering from Addiction and Trauma. Richard,
(18:16):
what is transcendence doesn't sound scientific to me.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Transcendence is like the sixth stage of change. So the
first stage is complete denial, right, and then you go
to am, I sure, maybe it's a problem, And then
you go all the way through the stages until you
get to maintenance. Maintenance is about staying sober one day
(18:40):
at a time, taking the right action after the next
right action after the next right action. Transcendence very few
people get, but you can get it. You can get it,
and what that means is you no longer have a
problem with drugs and alcohol. Wow, you've transcended that.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Literally forgetting.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
You're an addict, you don't forget, okay, but it has
no pull on you at all. Right, so you have
to think of it like this. Okay, the AA way,
which I love AA by the way. Okay, it gave
me a great foundation.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
We know the twelve step works.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
We do, we do, but people need more. Okay, some
people need more. And I was one of those people
that needed more. Okay, I mean, thank god there was more,
because I guarantee you ten thousand families are grateful that
I didn't die and it was close, you know.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
So so what are the things that people can do.
Let's say they are somebody in recovery who still live
in that day to day maintenance phase. What are the
things that help them towards transcendence.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Well, here's the thing. Most people never get there. What
they do is they white knock lit, right, They just
they're they're just a great metaphor. Well it's not mine,
it's AA's, but you know, they're white knuckling it and
they're just kissing God's rear, begging him to stay sober
all day long. And you know what, nobody loves God
(20:15):
more than me. But I got to tell you that's
not good for thriving. Okay, it's not you're you're you're
you're taking so much energy trying to stay sober. Where's
the energy for thriving and living your best life? Okay?
And so transcendence is about you're not saddled with this
(20:37):
disease forever. It's not a disease model. It's if you
do the work, if you're going to therapy all the time,
if you're working on yourself right, if you've created something
in your life that is more valuable to you than
the drinking and using, then you can have transcendence. But
(20:57):
you gotta work for it. You gotta work.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
Okay, I'm going to give you probably the worst metaphor,
but it just seemed to come into my head and
it made so much sense to me. So I nursed
each of my kids for three years. And weaning a
toddler is no pretty thing. I mean, the breast and
breast milk is their everything. It's their comfort, it helps
them go to sleep at night, it's their food source.
It is everything. And I remember reading a book on
(21:21):
how to wean a toddler off their favorite heroine, which
is mother's milk, and it said you can't just take
away something, you have to replace it with a different
kind of mother. And so while the sleeping in three
sports bras and a turtleneck was part of the thing,
the other part is literally doing more reading time with
(21:42):
them or more play time with them, helping them understand
that losing something is not so bad when they're gaining
something else. So it sounds like part of transcendence for
somebody struggling with addiction is about finding new passions and
new loves.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
The only thing I heard in that whole thing was
you breastfed your kids for six years. For six years,
I mean, we were breastfeeding for two years or a
year and a half. And I asked my ex, I'm like,
you're waiting for the kid to get a car before
you stop this.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
I just kept reading all these books about brain development
and blah blah blah. Okay, so my kid did go
to Harvard, so there it is.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
There it is, and never got sick.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
It barely got sick one time. Was that strep throat
thing that first year.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
That's the greatest thing, you know, we we did that,
we had the way we weaned off that was we
just you know, I'm sure you did too, you froze
all of milk, right, yeah, and then over time, oh.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
You moved different breast. My kids were so flipping spoiled
that they never learned or they refused rubber nipples, so
they only had it from the source their entire life.
Oh that's and people would say she's pacifying herself on you,
and I go, I know that's what you need to
(23:00):
do right now.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
That's so you want to know what that's so wonderful,
so oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
But anyway, that's what I thought of because I remember
how hard it was that all night and the crying,
and I realized they were giving up their first drug, right,
and how do we replace it? Right? And finding a
way to not just distract ourselves and as you say,
not to white knuckle it and say I'm strong and
I can get through this. But how about there's something
else that I'm so passionate about, and for you, would
(23:29):
you say it's about the giving that you've done for
others and continue to do.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Listen, I only know one way, okay, and it's different
from everyone else. Okay. I believe when you walk into
a treatment center, you're so full of shame. Okay, that
to kick somebody when they're down is the ultimate and disrespect. Okay,
I would never do something like that. So love is
(23:55):
our base. And drug addicts and alcoholics are extremely talented,
and they're all suspicious, and they all think it's about
the money, and the second they think that, okay, you've
lost the alliance that you need, the therapeutic alliance that
you need in order to make change. So really, what
(24:17):
I've got is two hundred and fifty of the sweetest
souls you'll ever meet, and the first one hundred whereby
invitation only, okay, and I don't know if that's ever
been done. And the reason it was so important to
us is because we've never had someone here who is
desensitized to the process of helping another human being, because
(24:41):
if we did, that person would be shown the door. Obviously,
this is a love call, That's what it is. It's
a love call and it means everything because that's the foundation.
Unless you have that foundation, there is no treatment. There
is no healing because they're not open, they're not cracked up.
You know.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
A few weeks ago I had the head of cannabis
research from UCLA here on.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
The show, Doctor Timothy pome Yes.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
He's so great, and he was saying that there's an
epidemic in cannabis, Like so many parents are so happy
that their gen Z kids aren't drinking alcohol. They're just
so excited that they're not drinking, but they're using so
much cannabis, right, And is the journey the same whether
someone's kid is addicted to cannabis or alcohol or is
(25:29):
a little different.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
It's a little different. I mean, you know, alcohol affects
your decision making, right, so the second you're on alcohol,
you think it's a good idea to get behind the
wheel of a car, or to buy illegal drugs off
the street, or you know any number of stupid things
that can Remember when we talked about at the beginning
when I said their frontal cortex isn't developed, so now
(25:52):
they're drunk on top of it and they think they're indestructible,
and those are three horrible combinations together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's my take on that.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Where can people get your book, Experience Transcendence.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Richard Experiencing Transcendence You can get on Amazon dot com.
It just hit number one yesterday on what was it,
the Kimball the Kindle Kindle. Yeah, yeah, right, whatever that is,
and we're doing really well. It just came out a month.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Ago, experiencing transcendence, the freedom of recovering from addiction and trauma.
My Richard Tate, Richard, what a pleasure to meet you
here in the studio. Thanks for being with us.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
The pleasure was all mine and that.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Sadly for me because I'd like to be here all night.
Brings the Doctor Wendywall Show to a close. Have you
missed any part of the show. Remember producer Kayla puts
it all up on the iHeartRadio app. You can listen
to it anytime during the week. Follow me on my
social at Doctor Wendy Walsh. I'm there. I'm still hacked
by TikTok. If anybody listening who works at TikTok, here's
the problem. The hack took my thing. They're not doing
(27:02):
anything with it, so TikTok very kindly froze the account.
But now TikTok doesn't know whether I'm the hackers or
I'm me. So if anybody knows a real human that
works at TikTok, please tell them to open up the
account called doctor Wendy Walsh. Oh and send me the
password because it's me. But on Instagram, I'm there every
day at doctor Wendy Walsh and I'm always here for
you every Sunday from seven to nine on KFI. You've
(27:27):
been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear
us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
iHeartRadio app
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