August 25, 2025 • 35 mins
Hour 1- Dr. Wendy is letting us know how culture shapes relationships, and why Gen Z is spending less on dates. PLUS we are getting some Wendy wisdom with Dr. Wendy's drive by makeshift relationship advice.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show. Welcome to my show. If you're new,
you got to know this that I am going to
weigh in on your love life later in the show.
(00:21):
I'm going to be taken your calls if you have
questions about your relationship. I have a PhD in clinical psychology.
I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist. But I've had
a lot of life experience. I dated so many bad boys,
and I chose them. That's the thing. Later in the show,
we're actually going to have a guest on who's created
(00:43):
a podcast where she invites on every one of her
exes to interview them about what went wrong. Closure, you
could call it, I don't know. I'll have to ask her. Also,
do you live? Does where you live? Do where you live?
(01:03):
Does that anyway? Does that impact whether you're divorce? We're
going to find out, and let's really dig into that
research that shows why gen Z is sheet cheap when
it comes to dating, all right, first up in celebrity
relationship news, and also important to consider when we're thinking
about how our environment. When I say environment, I don't
(01:23):
mean the weather. I mean the people around us, our culture,
our society impacts our relationship life. Christiano Ronaldo he's that
Portuguese professional soccer player, widely regarded as one of the
greatest footballers of all time. He plays for both Manchester United,
or he has played for Manchester United, Real Madrid. Keeps
(01:44):
going on, but anyway, he currently captains two teams. One
is the Portugal national team and the other is a
team in Saudi Arabia. So you know, I'm going to
get to his love life. He's not a player, well
that we know of. He's been living with a woman
for eight years and they confirm their relationship back in
twenty seventeen. They share five children. Now, she didn't give
(02:05):
birth to them all. She gave birth to four though.
They're twins who are eight years old, then a daughter
who's seven, and then a baby daughter, Cutie, who's three.
But then they also have a fifteen year old son
that he brought into the picture from a previous relationship.
She posted on Instagram the biggest flip and diamond ring
I've ever seen in my life. I swear it went
from knuckle to knuckle. How are you going to do
(02:26):
the dishes in that? Oh? I know she shouldn't do dishes. Okay, Well,
it's a heavy rock to wear around. And she's just
so happy that they're finally engaged after eight years and
four and somebody else's kid. Why do you think they're
living in Saudi Arabia. I'm sure their lifestyle could only
(02:47):
have been accepted for so long, right, and the pressure
was just too great. Now we haven't seen the wedding yet,
but at least they're engaged. This is how our culture,
in our society can impa So this week I was
contacted by a reporter at the New York Post to
ask me about a new study that found that people
(03:10):
from New York and people from New Jersey and also
people from Tennessee are most unhappy in love. And they
wanted me to speculate on why I would think that
is why those states would bring these unhappy couples. So
Tennessee came in number one, number two New Jersey, and
number three New York. Well, here's how they did the study.
(03:32):
It was a they tracked Google searches. I guess everything
we searched people have access to they can find. Be
careful what you search people that people can get in
there and see what you've been looking for. And what
they looked for is either searches for couples, therapists or
divorce lawyers. And they looked at people from all fifty
(03:53):
states and they found that in New York, New Jersey,
and Tennessee there were the most search right. So what
they when I looked at the research, I said, well,
wait a sec. Just because you're searching for these does
this make you the most unhappy? First of all, let's
(04:14):
talk about economics therapy and divorces. Divorce services, whether it's
a therapist, whether it's an attorney, not cheap. Right. So
the states that came out the lowest that this research
study called the happiest couples, the happiest states or South Dakota, Mississippi,
and Louisiana. These were the happiest couples. It is no
(04:38):
secret that these states have lower household income, right, So
of course they're not going to be searching for expensive
divorce attorneys or expensive couples therapists they can't afford it.
Does it mean they're happier because they're not making those searches.
I also wanted to talk about religiosity. So here's something
(05:01):
a lot of people don't know. People who identify as
conservative actually have more divorces. They have a higher divorce
rate than people who identify liberal. But stay with me,
it's only because of time, because people who identify conservative
who live in conservative communities are more likely to marry younger,
so they have more years to have more divorces. In fact,
(05:25):
in some conservative communities, the expression pre marital sex is
still used, implying that sex is still somehow connected to
marriage and it's a stepping stone towards marriage. Right. So
in states that house more liberal people, people have sex
for sex's sake, they get married later, and they have
(05:49):
fewer divorces.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
So you look at some of those states that are
more liberal, and there are fewer people searching for divorce
attorneys and couple's therapists. Huh, that's interest. Also, those other
states that they call the happiest because they're not searching
for divorce attorneys, are more religious, and in religious circles
(06:11):
You're not supposed to call a therapist. You're supposed to
go to your clergy, you're supposed to go to your
religious counselor so of course they're not searching for that, right.
I dug a little deeper and I found another study
out of Harvard, a study of adult development, and it
confirms that not money nor status predicts happiness. It is
(06:36):
always the quality of the relationship. People who reported stronger
connections at the age of fifty were the healthiest later,
like physically when they were eighty, regardless of their background,
regardless of how much money. Now, there's one little caveat.
One of the things that that research out of Harvard
(06:57):
looked at, not at Google search, is that people with
lower incomes tend to have more fluctuations in their happiness
rate across the span of their marriage. It makes sense.
There are so many stressors that come up when you
have money challenges, right, so there are going to be
times where you hit a low and you're working so
(07:18):
hard and you're unable to right. So basically, I want
everyone to understand that this research is nonsense, and the
truth is anybody can have a happy relationship, and if
you do want to reach out to a couple's therapist
long before you reach out to a divorce attorney. I
(07:40):
recommend you can look for more affordable online services for
therapy or ask couples counselors if they work on a
sliding scale. Sliding scale means that they charge people differently
based on their income and be honest. Right. I also
think that we need to pressuring our local policymakers to
(08:02):
expand coverage for couples therapy and relationship programs. Healthy relationships
are so highly correlated with good physical health, right, Like
that's the most important thing. And so anyway, I'm just
saying it doesn't mean you're unhappy if you're googling divorce attorneys.
(08:22):
It means you can afford it. Hey, when we come back,
speaking of money, you might have heard another study says
that gen z is spending less on dates. So what
does that mean for romance? Let's talk about it when
we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You have
(08:45):
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show. We are live from Burbank, California. I'd like
to welcome my Instagram followers. If you're on Instagram, why
do you log on right now? Go to doctor Wendy
Walsh and you can come on in the studio with
us and see us. After this segment, I am going
to be taking your phone calls live. If you have
any relationship questions, I'll be happy to weigh in with
(09:07):
my doctor Wendy Wisdom. Okay, I wanted to talk about
this study that came out. It was done by a
bank Bank of America and it's called the Better Money
Habits Report. So fine, let's talk about how we're spending money.
Here's what we found out that we're talking about young adults. Here.
(09:27):
Three quarters of young adults are tightening their wallets. Seventy
two percent in the last year took steps to improve
their finances by saving more money or paying down some debt.
That's good news. Nearly two thirds cut back on other
expenses like dining out and grocery splurges. What's a grocery
splurge is that, like you need nutrition to eat, what's
(09:48):
a grocery splurge picking up everything you want? Putting it
in the cart and not worrying about the price or anything.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
I want it all and maybe like expensive things like wine,
taking the wine out of the cart, taking the expensive
steaks out of the cart, staying away from the expensive stores.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
I don't know. I look at the young people over
there at Airwan, I'm like, oh my goodness, it's like
a dating scene. It's a grocery store that's a singles bar,
and nothing's cheap. I'm not joking. One time I went
there and I got a piece of like, you know,
whole grain bread that was toasted or something, and on
it was a little layer of almond butter. And then
on that somebody had taken the time to line up
(10:27):
a bunch of blueberries and a bunch of raspberries and
a little stripy things. It was blue and red. It
was like sixteen dollars. I mean, it's a slice of bread.
I started making that a home for Julio is very
impressed at a bananas for him. Here's other good news,
especially for parents of gen Z out there. Family financial
support is finally starting to shrink. Fewer gen Z adults
(10:51):
get their money from parents, and when they do, it's
less than the past few years. You hear that kids,
you're getting less. That's what I'm saying. I'm not talking
to my kids. I've just been kids in general. But
when it comes to dating, here's a big, giant shocker.
Half of gen Z men and women say that they
spend zero dollars a month on dates. Uh huh. Another
(11:14):
quarter said they spend one hundred dollars or less per
month on dates. Now, I want to remind you how
dating was away for partners to audition for long term compatibility.
And one of the ways, particularly with young men, that
they showed that they were a good guy to bet
(11:37):
on was to economically sacrifice. In particular, men tended to
buy things for women that were wasteful food champagne, flowers,
et cetera, or things that would impress women like fancy cars.
Now we have seen this surge in power economic power
(11:59):
of young women. For every two men that graduate college
for the last two decades, there have been three women.
Women are surging ahead in their careers, and as a result,
men can't afford this big sacrifice. Now, this is not
to say that women don't spend money on dates. Their
dating budget usually traditionally had to do with adornment, hair, nails,
(12:21):
wardrob right, the gym, all that stuff. And so they're
saying that they're not spending money on dates. Men are
unable to sacrifice because they just don't have the economics.
Women are now spending their money on adornment and going further,
like plastic surgery is in for women in their twenties.
(12:42):
It's not about anti aging anymore. It's about improving on
the product of what I have. I want to say this,
Spending less doesn't mean loving less, right, So I think
people are finding different ways to show sacrifice. And if
you're a young man out there, I'm just going to
tell you some of those ways. Sacrifice your time and
(13:06):
your talents. Show up. Do something for a young woman, right,
spend time with her, wash your car, fix something? Okay,
fix something, kayl. Is there anything in particular you like
men to do for you that doesn't cost them money
but it's really appreciated. Yeah, if I have to agree
(13:28):
with you about fixing something.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
When my boyfriend came over, he realized that my sink
was backed up and he was able to fix that.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
He snakes your drain, he did. He did snake your drain.
Good boyfriend, he snaked your drain h and so anything
any talent you have, guys, we can use it. In fact,
my husband Julio, was so angry this week. We were
putting together some furniture that was delivered by Amazon, and
he had a really busy work week and he keeps saying,
(13:56):
I'll do it when I come home, I'll do it.
And so one day when he was off at work
and went on that my favorite little app Task Rabbit,
and I booked another man to come and do his job.
So he came home and the furniture was together, and
he's like, why did you do that. I wanted to
do it. He wanted to express his love to me,
and I was trying to express my love for him
by hiring his replacement basically, and he'd have to do
(14:18):
less labor. So parents, I just want to say this,
stop worrying. We do know that gen Z is in
a bit of a sex recession right now, which is good.
Millennials apparently have been having the most sex, or continuing
to have the most sex. Baby boomers, you know, we
were there. But it's dying down. Hormones are dying down.
All kinds of things are dying down. But gen Z
(14:41):
is just not dating. They're getting a lot of satiation
from texting, from social media, so they're not actually entering
into these sexual relationships. They also see what happened before
them with millennials and their parents divorcing, so they're not
in a big hurry. They're getting together in groups. If
they are getting together in the real world, gen Z,
(15:02):
get off your phone. No, not if you're here right
now on my Instagram. I just mean in general, get
off your phone, get out into the real world, build
some strong connections. But parents don't worry about them. They're
gonna find their way. Gen Z may be spending less
money on dates, but they're finding ways to connect in
different ways. So instead of going out for cocktails, they'll
(15:26):
go out for coffee more affordable. Instead of buying really
expensive concert tickets, they'll go to a free summer concert
in the park. Instead of going out to dinner, somebody's
going to pack a picnic. Right. Instead of driving in
a fancy car for a sunset cruise, they're going to
go for a hike. This doesn't mean it's not courtship, right,
(15:46):
it's the game of courtship is a subtle game of
showing somebody that you can sacrifice for them, because what
is the hidden message? The hidden messages stick with me,
there's more where that came from. And obviously, if it's
wasteful spending like it was traditionally for flowers, champagne, diamonds,
et cetera, that was one way to say, stick with me,
(16:07):
there's more where that came from. But now we can
talk about giving of our time, giving of our talents,
spending time focusing on somebody and guys, I'm going to
remind you, in research on dating apps, women are saying
the number one trait they're looking for in guys is
not a six pack. It's an ability to talk about
(16:29):
feelings and they actually love it. If you admit that
you're in therapy, it means you're at least trying. Right,
This is a good thing. All right. When we come back,
I am going to be taking your calls and answering
your social media questions. The number is one eight hundred
five two zero one five three four. That's one eight
hundred five to two zero one KFI. Give us a
(16:50):
call producer, callable answer, and then we'll put you on air.
You can stay anonymous if you want. I want you
to understand that this is really personal stuff. So if
you have a relationship question, I'm not gonna out you
in any way. If you send me a DM on Instagram,
which you certainly may the handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh,
send me a question, I'll be happy to weigh in
(17:12):
on air. I'm not going to give it away who
you are, or what your what your what your zip
code is, or what your handle is online. Not gonna
do that, but i am happy to weigh in. Reminder,
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I've
written three books on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory,
and well, I've had a lot of challenging relationships in
(17:34):
my life and I've learned a lot, and I'm happy
to weigh in. Think of me as your auntie Wendy,
if you will. The numbers one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five
to zero one KFI. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show on KFI Am six forty re live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Forty KFI AM six fourty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. And
this is the segment of the show where I am
taking your calls. If you have a relationship question, pick
up the phone and one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. That's one eight hundred and five
two zero one KFI. Or go onto Instagram at doctor
(18:21):
Wendy Walsh and send me a DM Okay, Producer Kayla,
who do we have? First, we have Kieren with the question. Karen. Hi, Karen,
It's doctor Wendy Kieren. Kieren, Hi, Kieren.
Speaker 4 (18:32):
Hello, how are you good?
Speaker 1 (18:33):
What's your question?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
So?
Speaker 4 (18:35):
My question is, with all this talk about BodyCount owns
and how it affects relationships, what does the data actually say?
How much does it actually affect someone's ability to stick
with their significant other? And is there two is there
such thing that's having too low of a BodyCount?
Speaker 5 (18:53):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
I love this question, Kieren. So Karen's question is about BodyCount,
in other words, how much sexual experience somebody has and
does this impact their ability to have healthy long term monogamy?
Did I get that right later. Yeah, okay, so there
is data on that, And sadly, I actually bucked the
(19:13):
trend because I've had a lot of sexual partners in
my life. But generally, you know, we can train our
body for anything, and if you want to train your
body for monogamy, there's only two ways to do it.
One is be monogamous or abstain. What happens is when
you get accustomed to having, you know, new partners on
(19:34):
a regular basis, it becomes harder for the brain to
and the body to settle into something more stable and
more normal. Now, remember, human beings have the widest range
of sexual behavior of any primate species. So in any
given day, you're going to find people who have you know,
it's natural and normal for them to have multiple sexual partners,
(19:57):
sometimes overlapping or at the same time extra pair bond.
We call those other people are monogamous. Now, how many
I would say around fifty percent of humans are completely monogamous. Now,
when you hear the word monogamous, you're thinking life long.
But here's the problem. Our life expectancies keep getting longer
(20:18):
and longer and longer. Right, if you got married in
nineteen hundred and said till death do us part. The
average length of that marriage was about twelve years. If
you got married in nineteen ninety and swore till death
do us part, you didn't have to send back those
wedding gifts because the marriage did last about twelve years
on average. So we because of our long life expectancies,
(20:42):
there are just more times. So even the most monogamous
people might see two or three long stints in monogamy
with some mate selection in between. But your question, Karen,
was very clear, does sexual experience impact and ability to
have a healthy relationship later? So too much sex is
a problem, is too little sex ever a problem? And
(21:04):
the research says actually no. Sexuality and a sex life
is something that is fashioned between two people. And if
you think that, you know, I always hear people say, oh,
this person's so good in bed. They're so good in bed,
you're assuming that they behave the same way with every person.
But every sexual relationship is its own standalone kind of relationship.
(21:31):
One of my Instagram viewers right now is saying, we're
serially monogamous. That is the most common behavior of human
sexual not everybody, for sure. Some people are polyamorous, some
people are asexual. Some people have frequent partners, but what
is most common in the species across all cross cultures
(21:52):
is to be serially monogamous. All right, I want to
address a question that somebody just asked me on Instagram.
She said that she's fifty five, she's gone through a divorce,
she's terrified of online apps, and she doesn't know where
to start or where else she should go. Well, I
want to tell you this, and I think this is
really important, especially for people over the age of fifty.
(22:15):
It is the fastest growing group of people on dating apps.
Believe it or not, Young people are moving off dating apps.
They're meeting each other through dms on Instagram, right, They're
just reaching right out through social media and just going, hey,
you want to get together? Right, So dating apps are
filled with grown ups. Just want to say that. The
other great news about dating apps. I know you're terrified,
(22:37):
and I'm going to tell you how to not be terrified,
is that you search based on age. So if you
match with somebody, you can pretty much be guaranteed that
they were looking for a woman of your age because
that's what they searched. Now I know the very real
thing to be afraid of are scammers, right. There are
(22:58):
people out there who get those who aren't tech proficient
and used to being online, and they get you to
kind of fall in love with them online until you
eventually start sending the money because they have some big
SOB story. But I'll just tell everybody dating apps should
not be used for dating. They should be used for meeting.
And if somebody will not meet you in the real
(23:18):
world very quickly or at least get on the phone
then and don't depend on Zoom and FaceTime because all
that can be AI. You know, they can just create that.
But if they won't get together, then there's a problem,
and don't listen to any of their excuses. Just move on.
That's all that matters. But if this person who's watching
(23:41):
right now is really terrified if trying the dating apps
and doesn't even want to do it, then the best
way to meet somebody over fifty five is to join clubs,
as many clubs as possible, and you know where you're
going to meet the most empathetic, compassionate men. I assume
you're looking for a heterosexual relationship, is in any volunteer thing,
any volunteer organization. That's where you're going to meet people
(24:04):
who are caring and giving. All right, let's go to
the lines and numbers one eight hundred five two zero,
one five three four. Who do we have? We have?
His name is John jos Hi. John, It's Dtor Wendy.
Speaker 6 (24:19):
Hello, mister Wendy.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Hi, what's your question? John?
Speaker 5 (24:24):
You know I'm okay, I'm I'm living independent. I'm sixty eight.
You know I've been married before and my wife past
at the agent forty two. I'm sixty eight and I've.
Speaker 6 (24:37):
Been living in Deband and I own my home.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
Uh.
Speaker 6 (24:42):
I have no no, Margaine, I have nothing, but I
found peace in my life. Peace. You know your Bible
said that peace, and I say that peace. I leave
you to you, and this is piece is a different night.
I found one nobody to disturb my pef. I like
to have a really, I mean Bible that you don't do.
You know, men shall not walk alone, so you know
(25:04):
in some way, But I don't want anyone because I
found peace.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
So I'm not sure that I understand your question. First
of all, did I hear you correctly that your wife
passed away when she was forty two? I'm so sorry.
So John, you're sixty eight years old. You're independent, your
house is paid off, you have no mortgage. You have
found peace, but yet your religious beliefs tell you that
the Bible says that you shouldn't be alone. Are you
(25:31):
wanting a relationship?
Speaker 6 (25:34):
I like you, but I don't want I don't want
to interrupt my piece. You know if I could find
out another.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
You want to have a relationship, but you don't want
to interrupt your piece. Well, you know you're going to
have to choose a peaceful person. That's all it is.
And you're gonna have to be a peaceful person. But
relationships take skill. When I hear people say relationships take
work or relationships are hard, I want to remind you
that it is joyful, full work, and it is just
skills that you can learn. My suggestion to you, John,
(26:05):
is to find somebody who has the same belief system
as you. I would actually try to socialize, join some
clubs around your religious community. I promise you. If you
are sixty eight years old, do you know how many
women in their sixties at your church would love to
be good company for you And they will not disturb
your piece, John, They will not. They will make you
(26:26):
feel better. Relationships are good for your health. Thank you
so much for calling. I appreciate that call. All right,
when we come back, I am going to go to
social media and answer some of the dms that I
see coming in on Instagram. You are listening to the
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty re
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app Media Heart Radio app.
(26:47):
I'm heading to social media. Let me see the dms
that have now come in. Oh, okay, here we go.
If you want to send me a DM, remember to
send it to on Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh at
doctor Wendy Welsh. Dear, Doctor Wendy says this listener. Is
it normal to feel bored sometimes in a long term
relationship or is that a sign that the spark is
(27:11):
gone for good? We're comfortable, but is comfort the enemy
of romance? Alrighty uh. First of all, you got to
understand that the spark you're talking about and the romance
you're talking about, is a very important bonding stage at
the beginning of a relationship. It is called lust, and
(27:32):
it is a neurochemical cocktail, a neural hormone cocktail that
feels delicious and makes you want to see the person
more more and more more more. Then the more you
see them, your brain gets accustomed to all those neur
hormones and you're desiring more or different stimulation. So your
thought pattern is is romance gone? And this is why
(27:55):
I suggest you continue to add novelty to your relationship,
do different things together so that you can create a
kind of spark. But will it ever go back to
how it was in the first few weeks? Probably not.
This is normal if you feel bored. My mom used
to say this when I was a kid. If you
(28:16):
feel bored, you're boring. So if you're feeling bored, what
can you do to spice up the relationship? Remember it's
not their job to make you happy or excited. What
can you contribute? All right? Moving on, dear doctor Wendy,
I'm deeply in love with someone who treats me well,
but I can't shake the feeling that something's missing. There's
(28:38):
no emotional depth. Is it possible to grow that kind
of connection over time or is emotional chemistry something you
either have or you don't. Well, I would need to
talk to the two of you in a room to
really see what's going on when you use the term
no emotional depth. I want to remind you that everybody,
(29:01):
even people who are non neurotypical, have feelings. Right now,
two things happen from those feelings. One is does the
person have insight? Are they aware of their feelings? Many
people have feelings but aren't aware, and those feelings come
out as behavior positive or negative, but they don't understand
(29:23):
where the behavior came from because they don't have the
insight to be aware of their feelings. Then there are
people who have feelings, they're aware of their feelings, but
they have communication issues. They're unable to express their feelings,
either because they didn't learn that early in life or
because they have some degree of social anxiety. So when
(29:47):
you say something's missing and there's no emotional depth, I
would say that you might want to become curious and
explore this with your partner, not in a critical way,
but asking j questions about what was that experience like
for you? What did that feel like for you? In
a gentle way. Then you might say something like, I
(30:10):
see it's difficult for you to talk about these things, right,
so you let them open up in their own way,
give it some time. That's what I say all right,
dear doctor Wendy, I'm dating someone new and they're amazing. Congratulations,
Except they talk to their ex regularly. Boy, do I
get this question a loss? They say it's completely platonic
(30:31):
and transparent, but I can't help feeling uncomfortable. How do
you know the difference between insecurity and intuition? Actually, insecurity
and intuition aren't even at play here. You know what's
at play. They say that your partner is having a
platonic relationship with their ex. But that's not the problem.
You're not worried about them having sex with their ex.
You're worried about the fact that they are still emotionally connected,
(30:57):
emotionally attached, and hopefully this person should be able to
transition away from that and have that same level of
emotional attachment with you. That's the conversation that needs to happen,
not the conversation of I don't know. My intuition is
telling me that it's more than platonic. It is more
than platonic. It is a deep emotional attachment, in my opinion,
(31:19):
if they're talking all day long, So it's okay to
have a boundary, It's okay to say, hey, I'm supposed
to be the shoulder you need to lean on. I'm
supposed to be the one you call all the time.
And if that doesn't work for you, I might need
to move along right right, Okay, I don't have time
for one more. Dear doctor, Wendy. Oh, this is a
(31:40):
sad one. I know this one. My husband and I
are arguing constantly since our baby was born. I know
stress and lack of sleep play a role, but I'm
starting to feel like we're losing each other. How do
couple stay emotionally connected in the chaos of early parenthood.
Let me explain to you what my therapist told me
when we first brought a baby into the house and
we were screaming each other over the pass and it So,
(32:02):
what's going on psychologically in an unconscious level, according to
my therapist, is that a pre verbal infant is a
vessel for one to project their own pre verbal experiences. Okay,
so when the baby cries, there's lots of reasons why
(32:23):
baby cry. They cry sometimes because they're tired, they're hungry,
they're thirsty, they have a gas pain, they're you know,
there could be all kinds of things. The diaper's wet whatever.
And so you try all the things that you try,
and they still cry, and all of a sudden, the
spouse starts yelling because in your mom, in their mind,
(32:44):
you're the bad mom or the bad dad who's causing this. Right,
their body stores memories, pre verbal memories. They're not stored
as narratives. They're not stored as Oh and I was
six months old. I remember my mother left me with
a wet diaper for so long, and that diaper rash
(33:05):
really stung. And nobody came and I was crying. They
don't have that story in their head. What they have
in their head or actually in their body, is a
feeling in their bones, and it comes out as anxiety
and stress because you're both projecting your infancy on the infant.
(33:26):
So my advice is a get into couple's therapy so
you can understand these things. Secondly, both of you need
to have some empathy for each other's emotional experience. Yes,
you're overtired on top of it all. Yes, it is stressful. Yes,
you realize you're with this person now for a very
long time. Whether you stay married or not, you're with
(33:47):
this person for a very long time. Raising this kid
and co parenting right. And at the same time, you're
both really worried about this kid. So I would talk
about what you have in common, like when they get
upset about something. Say, we're both worried here. We both
want to do the right thing, pull it back. So
you're on the team. You're on the same team together.
(34:09):
That's what you need to do, and you're going to
get through it. But I might see a couple's therapists
if I were you. It could really help. It could
really really help. Let's see if I have time for
a really fast one. Oh, I'm dating someone who checks
all the boxes on paper, smart, kind stable, but I
still find myself fantasizing about someone else. I haven't cheated,
but I'm conflicted. Do I owe myself this to act
(34:32):
on these feelings? Okay? I just want to say the
way you need to ask yourself when you have this feeling,
is am I being presented with an opportunity to explore
my sexuality outside of this relationship? Or am I being
presented with an experience to say no no to myself
(34:53):
so that I can focus on this person who likes me. So,
just because you're fantasizing about somebody y else doesn't mean
there's anything wrong with the person you're with, means there's
something going on in your head that you need to
work out. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on KFI AM six forty We Live Everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show. Welcome to my show. If you're new,
you got to know this that I am going to
weigh in on your love life later in the show.
(00:21):
I'm going to be taken your calls if you have
questions about your relationship. I have a PhD in clinical psychology.
I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist. But I've had
a lot of life experience. I dated so many bad boys,
and I chose them. That's the thing. Later in the show,
we're actually going to have a guest on who's created
(00:43):
a podcast where she invites on every one of her
exes to interview them about what went wrong. Closure, you
could call it, I don't know. I'll have to ask her. Also,
do you live? Does where you live? Do where you live?
(01:03):
Does that anyway? Does that impact whether you're divorce? We're
going to find out, and let's really dig into that
research that shows why gen Z is sheet cheap when
it comes to dating, all right, first up in celebrity
relationship news, and also important to consider when we're thinking
about how our environment. When I say environment, I don't
(01:23):
mean the weather. I mean the people around us, our culture,
our society impacts our relationship life. Christiano Ronaldo he's that
Portuguese professional soccer player, widely regarded as one of the
greatest footballers of all time. He plays for both Manchester United,
or he has played for Manchester United, Real Madrid. Keeps
(01:44):
going on, but anyway, he currently captains two teams. One
is the Portugal national team and the other is a
team in Saudi Arabia. So you know, I'm going to
get to his love life. He's not a player, well
that we know of. He's been living with a woman
for eight years and they confirm their relationship back in
twenty seventeen. They share five children. Now, she didn't give
(02:05):
birth to them all. She gave birth to four though.
They're twins who are eight years old, then a daughter
who's seven, and then a baby daughter, Cutie, who's three.
But then they also have a fifteen year old son
that he brought into the picture from a previous relationship.
She posted on Instagram the biggest flip and diamond ring
I've ever seen in my life. I swear it went
from knuckle to knuckle. How are you going to do
(02:26):
the dishes in that? Oh? I know she shouldn't do dishes. Okay, Well,
it's a heavy rock to wear around. And she's just
so happy that they're finally engaged after eight years and
four and somebody else's kid. Why do you think they're
living in Saudi Arabia. I'm sure their lifestyle could only
(02:47):
have been accepted for so long, right, and the pressure
was just too great. Now we haven't seen the wedding yet,
but at least they're engaged. This is how our culture,
in our society can impa So this week I was
contacted by a reporter at the New York Post to
ask me about a new study that found that people
(03:10):
from New York and people from New Jersey and also
people from Tennessee are most unhappy in love. And they
wanted me to speculate on why I would think that
is why those states would bring these unhappy couples. So
Tennessee came in number one, number two New Jersey, and
number three New York. Well, here's how they did the study.
(03:32):
It was a they tracked Google searches. I guess everything
we searched people have access to they can find. Be
careful what you search people that people can get in
there and see what you've been looking for. And what
they looked for is either searches for couples, therapists or
divorce lawyers. And they looked at people from all fifty
(03:53):
states and they found that in New York, New Jersey,
and Tennessee there were the most search right. So what
they when I looked at the research, I said, well,
wait a sec. Just because you're searching for these does
this make you the most unhappy? First of all, let's
(04:14):
talk about economics therapy and divorces. Divorce services, whether it's
a therapist, whether it's an attorney, not cheap. Right. So
the states that came out the lowest that this research
study called the happiest couples, the happiest states or South Dakota, Mississippi,
and Louisiana. These were the happiest couples. It is no
(04:38):
secret that these states have lower household income, right, So
of course they're not going to be searching for expensive
divorce attorneys or expensive couples therapists they can't afford it.
Does it mean they're happier because they're not making those searches.
I also wanted to talk about religiosity. So here's something
(05:01):
a lot of people don't know. People who identify as
conservative actually have more divorces. They have a higher divorce
rate than people who identify liberal. But stay with me,
it's only because of time, because people who identify conservative
who live in conservative communities are more likely to marry younger,
so they have more years to have more divorces. In fact,
(05:25):
in some conservative communities, the expression pre marital sex is
still used, implying that sex is still somehow connected to
marriage and it's a stepping stone towards marriage. Right. So
in states that house more liberal people, people have sex
for sex's sake, they get married later, and they have
(05:49):
fewer divorces.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
So you look at some of those states that are
more liberal, and there are fewer people searching for divorce
attorneys and couple's therapists. Huh, that's interest. Also, those other
states that they call the happiest because they're not searching
for divorce attorneys, are more religious, and in religious circles
(06:11):
You're not supposed to call a therapist. You're supposed to
go to your clergy, you're supposed to go to your
religious counselor so of course they're not searching for that, right.
I dug a little deeper and I found another study
out of Harvard, a study of adult development, and it
confirms that not money nor status predicts happiness. It is
(06:36):
always the quality of the relationship. People who reported stronger
connections at the age of fifty were the healthiest later,
like physically when they were eighty, regardless of their background,
regardless of how much money. Now, there's one little caveat.
One of the things that that research out of Harvard
(06:57):
looked at, not at Google search, is that people with
lower incomes tend to have more fluctuations in their happiness
rate across the span of their marriage. It makes sense.
There are so many stressors that come up when you
have money challenges, right, so there are going to be
times where you hit a low and you're working so
(07:18):
hard and you're unable to right. So basically, I want
everyone to understand that this research is nonsense, and the
truth is anybody can have a happy relationship, and if
you do want to reach out to a couple's therapist
long before you reach out to a divorce attorney. I
(07:40):
recommend you can look for more affordable online services for
therapy or ask couples counselors if they work on a
sliding scale. Sliding scale means that they charge people differently
based on their income and be honest. Right. I also
think that we need to pressuring our local policymakers to
(08:02):
expand coverage for couples therapy and relationship programs. Healthy relationships
are so highly correlated with good physical health, right, Like
that's the most important thing. And so anyway, I'm just
saying it doesn't mean you're unhappy if you're googling divorce attorneys.
(08:22):
It means you can afford it. Hey, when we come back,
speaking of money, you might have heard another study says
that gen z is spending less on dates. So what
does that mean for romance? Let's talk about it when
we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You have
(08:45):
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show. We are live from Burbank, California. I'd like
to welcome my Instagram followers. If you're on Instagram, why
do you log on right now? Go to doctor Wendy
Walsh and you can come on in the studio with
us and see us. After this segment, I am going
to be taking your phone calls live. If you have
any relationship questions, I'll be happy to weigh in with
(09:07):
my doctor Wendy Wisdom. Okay, I wanted to talk about
this study that came out. It was done by a
bank Bank of America and it's called the Better Money
Habits Report. So fine, let's talk about how we're spending money.
Here's what we found out that we're talking about young adults. Here.
(09:27):
Three quarters of young adults are tightening their wallets. Seventy
two percent in the last year took steps to improve
their finances by saving more money or paying down some debt.
That's good news. Nearly two thirds cut back on other
expenses like dining out and grocery splurges. What's a grocery
splurge is that, like you need nutrition to eat, what's
(09:48):
a grocery splurge picking up everything you want? Putting it
in the cart and not worrying about the price or anything.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
I want it all and maybe like expensive things like wine,
taking the wine out of the cart, taking the expensive
steaks out of the cart, staying away from the expensive stores.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
I don't know. I look at the young people over
there at Airwan, I'm like, oh my goodness, it's like
a dating scene. It's a grocery store that's a singles bar,
and nothing's cheap. I'm not joking. One time I went
there and I got a piece of like, you know,
whole grain bread that was toasted or something, and on
it was a little layer of almond butter. And then
on that somebody had taken the time to line up
(10:27):
a bunch of blueberries and a bunch of raspberries and
a little stripy things. It was blue and red. It
was like sixteen dollars. I mean, it's a slice of bread.
I started making that a home for Julio is very
impressed at a bananas for him. Here's other good news,
especially for parents of gen Z out there. Family financial
support is finally starting to shrink. Fewer gen Z adults
(10:51):
get their money from parents, and when they do, it's
less than the past few years. You hear that kids,
you're getting less. That's what I'm saying. I'm not talking
to my kids. I've just been kids in general. But
when it comes to dating, here's a big, giant shocker.
Half of gen Z men and women say that they
spend zero dollars a month on dates. Uh huh. Another
(11:14):
quarter said they spend one hundred dollars or less per
month on dates. Now, I want to remind you how
dating was away for partners to audition for long term compatibility.
And one of the ways, particularly with young men, that
they showed that they were a good guy to bet
(11:37):
on was to economically sacrifice. In particular, men tended to
buy things for women that were wasteful food champagne, flowers,
et cetera, or things that would impress women like fancy cars.
Now we have seen this surge in power economic power
(11:59):
of young women. For every two men that graduate college
for the last two decades, there have been three women.
Women are surging ahead in their careers, and as a result,
men can't afford this big sacrifice. Now, this is not
to say that women don't spend money on dates. Their
dating budget usually traditionally had to do with adornment, hair, nails,
(12:21):
wardrob right, the gym, all that stuff. And so they're
saying that they're not spending money on dates. Men are
unable to sacrifice because they just don't have the economics.
Women are now spending their money on adornment and going further,
like plastic surgery is in for women in their twenties.
(12:42):
It's not about anti aging anymore. It's about improving on
the product of what I have. I want to say this,
Spending less doesn't mean loving less, right, So I think
people are finding different ways to show sacrifice. And if
you're a young man out there, I'm just going to
tell you some of those ways. Sacrifice your time and
(13:06):
your talents. Show up. Do something for a young woman, right,
spend time with her, wash your car, fix something? Okay,
fix something, kayl. Is there anything in particular you like
men to do for you that doesn't cost them money
but it's really appreciated. Yeah, if I have to agree
(13:28):
with you about fixing something.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
When my boyfriend came over, he realized that my sink
was backed up and he was able to fix that.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
He snakes your drain, he did. He did snake your drain.
Good boyfriend, he snaked your drain h and so anything
any talent you have, guys, we can use it. In fact,
my husband Julio, was so angry this week. We were
putting together some furniture that was delivered by Amazon, and
he had a really busy work week and he keeps saying,
(13:56):
I'll do it when I come home, I'll do it.
And so one day when he was off at work
and went on that my favorite little app Task Rabbit,
and I booked another man to come and do his job.
So he came home and the furniture was together, and
he's like, why did you do that. I wanted to
do it. He wanted to express his love to me,
and I was trying to express my love for him
by hiring his replacement basically, and he'd have to do
(14:18):
less labor. So parents, I just want to say this,
stop worrying. We do know that gen Z is in
a bit of a sex recession right now, which is good.
Millennials apparently have been having the most sex, or continuing
to have the most sex. Baby boomers, you know, we
were there. But it's dying down. Hormones are dying down.
All kinds of things are dying down. But gen Z
(14:41):
is just not dating. They're getting a lot of satiation
from texting, from social media, so they're not actually entering
into these sexual relationships. They also see what happened before
them with millennials and their parents divorcing, so they're not
in a big hurry. They're getting together in groups. If
they are getting together in the real world, gen Z,
(15:02):
get off your phone. No, not if you're here right
now on my Instagram. I just mean in general, get
off your phone, get out into the real world, build
some strong connections. But parents don't worry about them. They're
gonna find their way. Gen Z may be spending less
money on dates, but they're finding ways to connect in
different ways. So instead of going out for cocktails, they'll
(15:26):
go out for coffee more affordable. Instead of buying really
expensive concert tickets, they'll go to a free summer concert
in the park. Instead of going out to dinner, somebody's
going to pack a picnic. Right. Instead of driving in
a fancy car for a sunset cruise, they're going to
go for a hike. This doesn't mean it's not courtship, right,
(15:46):
it's the game of courtship is a subtle game of
showing somebody that you can sacrifice for them, because what
is the hidden message? The hidden messages stick with me,
there's more where that came from. And obviously, if it's
wasteful spending like it was traditionally for flowers, champagne, diamonds,
et cetera, that was one way to say, stick with me,
(16:07):
there's more where that came from. But now we can
talk about giving of our time, giving of our talents,
spending time focusing on somebody and guys, I'm going to
remind you, in research on dating apps, women are saying
the number one trait they're looking for in guys is
not a six pack. It's an ability to talk about
(16:29):
feelings and they actually love it. If you admit that
you're in therapy, it means you're at least trying. Right,
This is a good thing. All right. When we come back,
I am going to be taking your calls and answering
your social media questions. The number is one eight hundred
five two zero one five three four. That's one eight
hundred five to two zero one KFI. Give us a
(16:50):
call producer, callable answer, and then we'll put you on air.
You can stay anonymous if you want. I want you
to understand that this is really personal stuff. So if
you have a relationship question, I'm not gonna out you
in any way. If you send me a DM on Instagram,
which you certainly may the handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh,
send me a question, I'll be happy to weigh in
(17:12):
on air. I'm not going to give it away who
you are, or what your what your what your zip
code is, or what your handle is online. Not gonna
do that, but i am happy to weigh in. Reminder,
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I've
written three books on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory,
and well, I've had a lot of challenging relationships in
(17:34):
my life and I've learned a lot, and I'm happy
to weigh in. Think of me as your auntie Wendy,
if you will. The numbers one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five
to zero one KFI. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show on KFI Am six forty re live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Forty KFI AM six fourty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. And
this is the segment of the show where I am
taking your calls. If you have a relationship question, pick
up the phone and one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. That's one eight hundred and five
two zero one KFI. Or go onto Instagram at doctor
(18:21):
Wendy Walsh and send me a DM Okay, Producer Kayla,
who do we have? First, we have Kieren with the question. Karen. Hi, Karen,
It's doctor Wendy Kieren. Kieren, Hi, Kieren.
Speaker 4 (18:32):
Hello, how are you good?
Speaker 1 (18:33):
What's your question?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
So?
Speaker 4 (18:35):
My question is, with all this talk about BodyCount owns
and how it affects relationships, what does the data actually say?
How much does it actually affect someone's ability to stick
with their significant other? And is there two is there
such thing that's having too low of a BodyCount?
Speaker 5 (18:53):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
I love this question, Kieren. So Karen's question is about BodyCount,
in other words, how much sexual experience somebody has and
does this impact their ability to have healthy long term monogamy?
Did I get that right later. Yeah, okay, so there
is data on that, And sadly, I actually bucked the
(19:13):
trend because I've had a lot of sexual partners in
my life. But generally, you know, we can train our
body for anything, and if you want to train your
body for monogamy, there's only two ways to do it.
One is be monogamous or abstain. What happens is when
you get accustomed to having, you know, new partners on
(19:34):
a regular basis, it becomes harder for the brain to
and the body to settle into something more stable and
more normal. Now, remember, human beings have the widest range
of sexual behavior of any primate species. So in any
given day, you're going to find people who have you know,
it's natural and normal for them to have multiple sexual partners,
(19:57):
sometimes overlapping or at the same time extra pair bond.
We call those other people are monogamous. Now, how many
I would say around fifty percent of humans are completely monogamous. Now,
when you hear the word monogamous, you're thinking life long.
But here's the problem. Our life expectancies keep getting longer
(20:18):
and longer and longer. Right, if you got married in
nineteen hundred and said till death do us part. The
average length of that marriage was about twelve years. If
you got married in nineteen ninety and swore till death
do us part, you didn't have to send back those
wedding gifts because the marriage did last about twelve years
on average. So we because of our long life expectancies,
(20:42):
there are just more times. So even the most monogamous
people might see two or three long stints in monogamy
with some mate selection in between. But your question, Karen,
was very clear, does sexual experience impact and ability to
have a healthy relationship later? So too much sex is
a problem, is too little sex ever a problem? And
(21:04):
the research says actually no. Sexuality and a sex life
is something that is fashioned between two people. And if
you think that, you know, I always hear people say, oh,
this person's so good in bed. They're so good in bed,
you're assuming that they behave the same way with every person.
But every sexual relationship is its own standalone kind of relationship.
(21:31):
One of my Instagram viewers right now is saying, we're
serially monogamous. That is the most common behavior of human
sexual not everybody, for sure. Some people are polyamorous, some
people are asexual. Some people have frequent partners, but what
is most common in the species across all cross cultures
(21:52):
is to be serially monogamous. All right, I want to
address a question that somebody just asked me on Instagram.
She said that she's fifty five, she's gone through a divorce,
she's terrified of online apps, and she doesn't know where
to start or where else she should go. Well, I
want to tell you this, and I think this is
really important, especially for people over the age of fifty.
(22:15):
It is the fastest growing group of people on dating apps.
Believe it or not, Young people are moving off dating apps.
They're meeting each other through dms on Instagram, right, They're
just reaching right out through social media and just going, hey,
you want to get together? Right, So dating apps are
filled with grown ups. Just want to say that. The
other great news about dating apps. I know you're terrified,
(22:37):
and I'm going to tell you how to not be terrified,
is that you search based on age. So if you
match with somebody, you can pretty much be guaranteed that
they were looking for a woman of your age because
that's what they searched. Now I know the very real
thing to be afraid of are scammers, right. There are
(22:58):
people out there who get those who aren't tech proficient
and used to being online, and they get you to
kind of fall in love with them online until you
eventually start sending the money because they have some big
SOB story. But I'll just tell everybody dating apps should
not be used for dating. They should be used for meeting.
And if somebody will not meet you in the real
(23:18):
world very quickly or at least get on the phone
then and don't depend on Zoom and FaceTime because all
that can be AI. You know, they can just create that.
But if they won't get together, then there's a problem,
and don't listen to any of their excuses. Just move on.
That's all that matters. But if this person who's watching
(23:41):
right now is really terrified if trying the dating apps
and doesn't even want to do it, then the best
way to meet somebody over fifty five is to join clubs,
as many clubs as possible, and you know where you're
going to meet the most empathetic, compassionate men. I assume
you're looking for a heterosexual relationship, is in any volunteer thing,
any volunteer organization. That's where you're going to meet people
(24:04):
who are caring and giving. All right, let's go to
the lines and numbers one eight hundred five two zero,
one five three four. Who do we have? We have?
His name is John jos Hi. John, It's Dtor Wendy.
Speaker 6 (24:19):
Hello, mister Wendy.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Hi, what's your question? John?
Speaker 5 (24:24):
You know I'm okay, I'm I'm living independent. I'm sixty eight.
You know I've been married before and my wife past
at the agent forty two. I'm sixty eight and I've.
Speaker 6 (24:37):
Been living in Deband and I own my home.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
Uh.
Speaker 6 (24:42):
I have no no, Margaine, I have nothing, but I
found peace in my life. Peace. You know your Bible
said that peace, and I say that peace. I leave
you to you, and this is piece is a different night.
I found one nobody to disturb my pef. I like
to have a really, I mean Bible that you don't do.
You know, men shall not walk alone, so you know
(25:04):
in some way, But I don't want anyone because I
found peace.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
So I'm not sure that I understand your question. First
of all, did I hear you correctly that your wife
passed away when she was forty two? I'm so sorry.
So John, you're sixty eight years old. You're independent, your
house is paid off, you have no mortgage. You have
found peace, but yet your religious beliefs tell you that
the Bible says that you shouldn't be alone. Are you
(25:31):
wanting a relationship?
Speaker 6 (25:34):
I like you, but I don't want I don't want
to interrupt my piece. You know if I could find
out another.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
You want to have a relationship, but you don't want
to interrupt your piece. Well, you know you're going to
have to choose a peaceful person. That's all it is.
And you're gonna have to be a peaceful person. But
relationships take skill. When I hear people say relationships take
work or relationships are hard, I want to remind you
that it is joyful, full work, and it is just
skills that you can learn. My suggestion to you, John,
(26:05):
is to find somebody who has the same belief system
as you. I would actually try to socialize, join some
clubs around your religious community. I promise you. If you
are sixty eight years old, do you know how many
women in their sixties at your church would love to
be good company for you And they will not disturb
your piece, John, They will not. They will make you
(26:26):
feel better. Relationships are good for your health. Thank you
so much for calling. I appreciate that call. All right,
when we come back, I am going to go to
social media and answer some of the dms that I
see coming in on Instagram. You are listening to the
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty re
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app Media Heart Radio app.
(26:47):
I'm heading to social media. Let me see the dms
that have now come in. Oh, okay, here we go.
If you want to send me a DM, remember to
send it to on Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh at
doctor Wendy Welsh. Dear, Doctor Wendy says this listener. Is
it normal to feel bored sometimes in a long term
relationship or is that a sign that the spark is
(27:11):
gone for good? We're comfortable, but is comfort the enemy
of romance? Alrighty uh. First of all, you got to
understand that the spark you're talking about and the romance
you're talking about, is a very important bonding stage at
the beginning of a relationship. It is called lust, and
(27:32):
it is a neurochemical cocktail, a neural hormone cocktail that
feels delicious and makes you want to see the person
more more and more more more. Then the more you
see them, your brain gets accustomed to all those neur
hormones and you're desiring more or different stimulation. So your
thought pattern is is romance gone? And this is why
(27:55):
I suggest you continue to add novelty to your relationship,
do different things together so that you can create a
kind of spark. But will it ever go back to
how it was in the first few weeks? Probably not.
This is normal if you feel bored. My mom used
to say this when I was a kid. If you
(28:16):
feel bored, you're boring. So if you're feeling bored, what
can you do to spice up the relationship? Remember it's
not their job to make you happy or excited. What
can you contribute? All right? Moving on, dear doctor Wendy,
I'm deeply in love with someone who treats me well,
but I can't shake the feeling that something's missing. There's
(28:38):
no emotional depth. Is it possible to grow that kind
of connection over time or is emotional chemistry something you
either have or you don't. Well, I would need to
talk to the two of you in a room to
really see what's going on when you use the term
no emotional depth. I want to remind you that everybody,
(29:01):
even people who are non neurotypical, have feelings. Right now,
two things happen from those feelings. One is does the
person have insight? Are they aware of their feelings? Many
people have feelings but aren't aware, and those feelings come
out as behavior positive or negative, but they don't understand
(29:23):
where the behavior came from because they don't have the
insight to be aware of their feelings. Then there are
people who have feelings, they're aware of their feelings, but
they have communication issues. They're unable to express their feelings,
either because they didn't learn that early in life or
because they have some degree of social anxiety. So when
(29:47):
you say something's missing and there's no emotional depth, I
would say that you might want to become curious and
explore this with your partner, not in a critical way,
but asking j questions about what was that experience like
for you? What did that feel like for you? In
a gentle way. Then you might say something like, I
(30:10):
see it's difficult for you to talk about these things, right,
so you let them open up in their own way,
give it some time. That's what I say all right,
dear doctor Wendy, I'm dating someone new and they're amazing. Congratulations,
Except they talk to their ex regularly. Boy, do I
get this question a loss? They say it's completely platonic
(30:31):
and transparent, but I can't help feeling uncomfortable. How do
you know the difference between insecurity and intuition? Actually, insecurity
and intuition aren't even at play here. You know what's
at play. They say that your partner is having a
platonic relationship with their ex. But that's not the problem.
You're not worried about them having sex with their ex.
You're worried about the fact that they are still emotionally connected,
(30:57):
emotionally attached, and hopefully this person should be able to
transition away from that and have that same level of
emotional attachment with you. That's the conversation that needs to happen,
not the conversation of I don't know. My intuition is
telling me that it's more than platonic. It is more
than platonic. It is a deep emotional attachment, in my opinion,
(31:19):
if they're talking all day long, So it's okay to
have a boundary, It's okay to say, hey, I'm supposed
to be the shoulder you need to lean on. I'm
supposed to be the one you call all the time.
And if that doesn't work for you, I might need
to move along right right, Okay, I don't have time
for one more. Dear doctor, Wendy. Oh, this is a
(31:40):
sad one. I know this one. My husband and I
are arguing constantly since our baby was born. I know
stress and lack of sleep play a role, but I'm
starting to feel like we're losing each other. How do
couple stay emotionally connected in the chaos of early parenthood.
Let me explain to you what my therapist told me
when we first brought a baby into the house and
we were screaming each other over the pass and it So,
(32:02):
what's going on psychologically in an unconscious level, according to
my therapist, is that a pre verbal infant is a
vessel for one to project their own pre verbal experiences. Okay,
so when the baby cries, there's lots of reasons why
(32:23):
baby cry. They cry sometimes because they're tired, they're hungry,
they're thirsty, they have a gas pain, they're you know,
there could be all kinds of things. The diaper's wet whatever.
And so you try all the things that you try,
and they still cry, and all of a sudden, the
spouse starts yelling because in your mom, in their mind,
(32:44):
you're the bad mom or the bad dad who's causing this. Right,
their body stores memories, pre verbal memories. They're not stored
as narratives. They're not stored as Oh and I was
six months old. I remember my mother left me with
a wet diaper for so long, and that diaper rash
(33:05):
really stung. And nobody came and I was crying. They
don't have that story in their head. What they have
in their head or actually in their body, is a
feeling in their bones, and it comes out as anxiety
and stress because you're both projecting your infancy on the infant.
(33:26):
So my advice is a get into couple's therapy so
you can understand these things. Secondly, both of you need
to have some empathy for each other's emotional experience. Yes,
you're overtired on top of it all. Yes, it is stressful. Yes,
you realize you're with this person now for a very
long time. Whether you stay married or not, you're with
(33:47):
this person for a very long time. Raising this kid
and co parenting right. And at the same time, you're
both really worried about this kid. So I would talk
about what you have in common, like when they get
upset about something. Say, we're both worried here. We both
want to do the right thing, pull it back. So
you're on the team. You're on the same team together.
(34:09):
That's what you need to do, and you're going to
get through it. But I might see a couple's therapists
if I were you. It could really help. It could
really really help. Let's see if I have time for
a really fast one. Oh, I'm dating someone who checks
all the boxes on paper, smart, kind stable, but I
still find myself fantasizing about someone else. I haven't cheated,
but I'm conflicted. Do I owe myself this to act
(34:32):
on these feelings? Okay? I just want to say the
way you need to ask yourself when you have this feeling,
is am I being presented with an opportunity to explore
my sexuality outside of this relationship? Or am I being
presented with an experience to say no no to myself
(34:53):
so that I can focus on this person who likes me. So,
just because you're fantasizing about somebody y else doesn't mean
there's anything wrong with the person you're with, means there's
something going on in your head that you need to
work out. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on KFI AM six forty We Live Everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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