December 16, 2024 • 35 mins
Dr. Wendy has advice for everyone heading into 2025 single and she is helping us find a mate if that's what you want. PLUS she is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. It's all on KFIAM-640!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Appf I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Kaylew
you laugh at me.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
I love when you have high energy.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I was getting energy.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
It makes me so happy because I was feeling a
little tired. You know what I did today, what I
got a new car. I got a Honda Prologue.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Prologue. That's an exhausting process. Yeah, it was.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
It is. Okay, this is an industry we need to
change everybody. I know that Carvana and CarMax and all
these things say they're doing it, but no, you still
have to go sit in a dealership and negotiate for hours.
But luckily my husband used to work in the car industry,
so he could look at all those tiny little numbers
that they put on that contract and hide the things in.
(00:53):
But anyway, I'm very excited. I have been an early
adopter of electric cars. I had a smart car, I
had a Fea Electric. Of course, I have my Tesla
for many years and now the Honda prologue because they
have a really great By the way, they pay me
nothing to say is I'm not even a brand person.
I don't even know if Honda is good, bad or whatever.
But there's some kind of rebate thing that's huge that's
(01:15):
on by the end of the year. So that's why
we quickly did it, and how we found the cars.
We drove in it as an ober to a Christmas party.
We drove into it. I mean we were the passengers
and we said, the guys, this is a brand new car,
because yeah, it's a couple of weeks old.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
And I said, what is it, Like, how many miles
does it get?
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Blah blah blah blah blah and the next thing, and
I'm like, I'm going to go buy one tomorrow. And
he goes, well, I happen to sell them, come visit me.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
So I did.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
So it was all good. Hey, there's a new study out.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
I want to talk well, before I get into this,
let me just say what's coming up. I am later
in the show going to join the rest of America
and become an armchair psychologist in diagnosing armand Luigi you
know who I'm talking about, right, Kayla, Oh yeah, mister
eyebrows and abs.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
Eyebrows and abs, and the one that everybody has an
alibi for everyone in the social media world to say
that he was with them in bed that night, so
he couldn't have committed the crime.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
So girls are fangirling.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
I predict that the trial of Luigi Maggioni Mangioni, I
say that right is going to be another big, huge
media circus. Everyone's gonna watch it. It's going to be
an indictment on the healthcare industry. I mean, my heart
goes out, and I'm very sad for Brian Thompson who
was brutally murdered by this assassin.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
But alleged assassion. Alleged assassins.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
We're supposed to say everybody's innocent in America until proven guilty,
no matter how many cameras are on them and how
much footage there is.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Hey could have been fake news.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
We don't know.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Anyway.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Later on, I'm gonna do my best, but I first
want to talk to single people. You know, almost fifty
percent about forty seven percent of Americans, according to the
latest US Census Borost Census Bureau data, are single. That's
almost one hundred and twenty million people who are unmarried,
(03:04):
nearly half of all adults over the age of eighteen. Now,
when you hear those stats, right, don't you go, oh
my god, what's wrong with America? Because back in nineteen
fifty is like eighty five percent of people were married. Well,
why do you assume that being married is the right thing?
Or why do you assume that people who are unmarried
(03:25):
are not in relationships?
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Right?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
They could be in same sex relationships and have chosen
not to be married. They could be in heterosexual cohabitating
relationships and chosen not to be married. Maybe it's just
the old institution of marriage that they don't want, right. Well,
there is a new survey that came out to help
American singles find love by wallet hub, a financial website
(03:52):
wallet Hub. They compared more than one hundred and eighty
US cities across thirty five key indicators of get this
dating friendliness, and their data ranges from you know how
many people in the population are single, to the kinds
of dating opportunities to the average price for a two
(04:14):
person meal. All right, so they came up with the
top cities to date, the top cities to be single,
in Okay.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Number one. Are you ready, Kayla, I'm writing it down. Atlanta, Georgia.
Speaker 5 (04:30):
No.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Apparently it's affordable, there's lots to do, and there's lots
of single people, okay. And they also looked at gender
breakdown too, because if you have too many of one
gender or one sex, then that's an imbalance and doesn't
make dating fun. So it looked at Georgia number one.
Number two is shocking to me. Las Vegas, Nevada.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Really, I know the city of sin.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
I know it's like a well, I guess single people
party city.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Okay, I don't know, could it be?
Speaker 3 (04:55):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Number three is interesting to me because I think of
this city as a family city. Seattle, Washington, Okay, swinging
singles running around there, But apparently they are and.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
It's always raining there, so it's nice to snuggle up.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
You're gonna like this one because it's in your home
for you. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Oh, that is close to home.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
You're New Jersey, I am, but as you explained to me,
because I knew nothing about New Jersey until I met Kayla.
Prior to that, I knew about Jersey Shore, and I
also knew that whenever two people from New Jersey met
each other, the first thing they'd say is what exit, Like,
there's only one road?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Yes, there's one road.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Are you north or south? That's what people care about.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
So I also learned because I always thought New Jersey
was a suburb of New York City where people commuted in,
and apparently part of it is, but not Mike Kayla's area.
Mike Kayla if she was going to commute somewhere obe
to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, right or.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Philadelphia or Philadelphia?
Speaker 3 (05:53):
Yes, but oh Pennsylvania.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
I got those two p words.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Miss problem with me. Okay, moving on down the list
for happy singles. The other place to go flirt and
have fun is Tampa, Florida. Tampa, Okay, not even Orlando. Tampa, Like,
isn't it on the Gulf coast with a bunch of
like snowbirds from Chicago or something who don't go to Miami?
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Is a Tampa.
Speaker 4 (06:18):
I've never been to Tampa, but I might as well
check it out now.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Okay, another one which is a great city.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
I spent a weekend there recently, had a fabulous time
as Portland, Oregon.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Oh yeah, lots to.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Do, lots of great food, lots of art, it was fun.
And then Cincinnati, Ohio. Now I want to dispute something
from this study done by wallet hub. Just because a
city has lots of single people in it doesn't mean
that it is a place you will find love. You see,
(06:51):
while divorce is contagious, marriage is also contagious, and if
you want to be married, you should hang out with
mary people because you know what married people want to
do with their single friends. They want to get them
married to somebody. They don't want them hanging out. So
I actually think this is just my guess that you
would do better as a single person if you hung
(07:15):
out with married people in cities where there's lots of
marriage going on. But if it's a city that's full
of single people, where there's a lot of single people
on nightlife and fun, why are you going to get married?
It sounds like fun, Like why leave that single life?
They did look at also gender balance among singles, So
they looked at the cities it was great to be
(07:37):
single in, but then they looked at the ones where
the closest equal amount of males and females, So we're
talking about heterosexual relationships, I guess. In their study Kayla,
you are not going to believe I'm going to tell
you the top five, and I'm going to go backwards
because when we get to number one, you are not
going to believe it. Okay, these are cities that have
a lot of singles and about the same amount of
(08:00):
male and female singles. You ready, yes, okay. Cheyenne, Wyoming
is number five.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
Okay, I never even heard of it till just now,
right now. Oh, he talks beautiful?
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Is it beautiful?
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Is so beautiful? It's too expensive?
Speaker 3 (08:11):
Too expensive?
Speaker 2 (08:12):
It's beautiful.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Lincoln, Nebraska is number four. I know, I know, I know.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Wait wait, wait for it. Number three Fontana, California. Do
you know where Fontana is?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
That's out there in the Inland Empire.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
You just keep going out the sixty or the tanner
out there, and you're going to hit it.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Okay, yep.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
In fact, I had heard I don't know if this
is true, but I had heard that Fontana has a
lot of firefighters, nurses, and police officers.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
I do like firefighters.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Number two is Boise, Idaho. Okay, now wait, get this.
This is the city in America with the closest gender balance,
meaning equal number of males and females in the single marketplace.
Nino California also out there.
Speaker 4 (09:02):
Okay, I gotta get to the ie.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
Yeah, you gotta literally get on that freeway go out
to the sixties.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
So this week, speaking of all you singles out there,
I was at a I don't know what you would
call it. It was a luncheon. It had like seven women.
They were all elegant, and they came from different walks
of life because we were brought together for a purpose
planning for twenty twenty five, and a number of them
were single. A number of them were in their forties
(09:28):
or fifties, and they were asking me about the science
of love and how to find a mate, and very
quickly I was able to do a quick summary of
what they should do. And then I thought, uh, I
should tell my listeners this because here I just did
it at lunch for these women, and they're like, you
need to tell the world this. I'm like, well, okay,
I'll do it on Sunday. So when we come back,
(09:49):
if you are single, if you are looking for a mate,
listen U because I'm gonna tell you how to do
it when we come back. You are listening to the
Doctor Wendy Wall Show. Okay, if I Am six forty
were live everywhere on the iHeart Radio app.
Speaker 6 (10:01):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
AFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I want to
welcome my TikTok audience. I don't know how long we're
going to be together, right.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
Kayla, till January nineteen.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
January nineteenth. TikTok is like going to disappear.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
That's what they're saying.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Oh my goodness, you guys better come over to Instagram
because I'm over there too.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Wow. It's gonna just go away, that's what they're saying.
This will be interesting, won't it. Anyway?
Speaker 1 (10:36):
If you're just tuning in your live in the iHeartRadio
studios in Burbank, California, I'm doctor Wendy Walsh, known as
America's relationship Expert. If you're a listener to KFI, just
come on over to TikTok and you'll be able to
see us here in the studio. I want to talk
about techniques and things that people need to understand if
they're single and they're looking for a mate in twenty
(10:59):
twenty five, no matter what your age, want to remind
everybody that when until death to us part was invented,
death was pretty imminent, and even the most monogamous of
humans will have two or three long stint of monogamy
in their life now. I know. Every once in a
while I get a talk about Live where some listener
calls in and says, I've been with my spouse for
(11:19):
forty years, and I'm like, congratulations, you are not typical.
What is typical is to have a stint of monogamy,
maybe one for raising children and a divorce and another one,
et cetera.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Because we just have longer.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Life expectancies than we've ever had in our history. And
so this whole The first thing I want to tell
you about finding a mate is dump the myth that
you're going to find your soulmate in your twenties and
you're going to stay together for four or five or
six decades, and if you don't, that relationship is a
failed relationship. Hate that word. There's no such thing as
(11:56):
a failed relationship. There's only a relationship that you'll learn
something and relationships are not about luck, they are about skill. Okay,
So if you're looking for love in twenty twenty five,
there are few things you need to know when it
comes to the science of love. And if you don't
believe love is a science, you haven't been listening to
(12:16):
me long enough. There are biological, psychological, and sociological pieces
of the art and craft and science of love. Number One,
understand your mating marketplace. In the last segment, I was
talking about a new study that showed where it was
good cities in America for single people because there were
(12:38):
huge populations of singles. I want you to understand that
right now, in our modern Western culture, we have an
oversupply of successful women. Now, the problem, it's not that
there are fewer men. There are fewer men that these
highly educated and money earning women want to marry because
(12:59):
they have patriarchy swimming in their heads too. And by
the way, ladies, i'm talking to you, your idea of
a power man might just be a guy who can
power a stroller. So it's not that we have fewer men,
it's that more women are surging ahead in education. I'm
a university professor. The feminization of college campuses has been
(13:21):
very obvious to me, and it's been going on for
a couple decades. In my particular school, we are about
seventy percent females. So I'm telling you that, ladies, there
are not enough guys of your education and income level
to go around. Now you're all thinking, like, but I'll
(13:42):
be the one to get the alpha male so I
can be a trad wife.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Then why did you go to school?
Speaker 1 (13:47):
What is this trend about trad wife? Okay, it's really
cool to be like I am. I have a partner,
I have a best friend. We're equal in some ways,
uneas equal in others, but it all balances out right.
When I got my head off this idea that a
(14:08):
man should make more money than me, that a man
should be tough or stoic or whatever, and I instead
met a best friend who likes to do dishes.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
And laundry, I'm like, oh my gom, and he can
fix things.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
I'll say anything for that. It's amazing. It's like I
have a tad wife. No I don't.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
He has a career too. Okay, so understand your mating marketplace.
If you're in a mating marketplace, one of the worst
places for educated single women right now is New York City,
just an oversupply of successful women. I'm sorry, Kayla, you didn't.
My producer just rolled her eyes and looked very sad
when I said that.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Yeah, I like New York men. That's unfortunate.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
Yeah, well, everybody likes those men, especially the ones that
work on Wall Street and are tall and have deep voices.
But you can't all have them, and doesn't mean you're settling.
It means you're finding something great. Get patriarchy out of
your head. That's when I say, secondly, learn your true
mate status. Now I'm gonna tell your story. So when
(15:11):
I was in my twenties, I was hot, hot, hot.
I could get any man in bed, literally, anyone, anytime,
any place.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
I was hot, hot, hot.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
And then I became a single mom. I learned that
when you're dragging two kids as balls and chains around,
all of a sudden, these sort of like middle management,
middle age, middle weight divorce dads would start circling and
I'm like, wait, no, no, no, these were not the
guys I used to date, the ones with Academy awards
(15:42):
and Super Bowl rings. Wait a minute, this guy's driving
a minivan and he thinks he can go out with me.
And that's when I realized, oh oh, my mate status
is not what it was now. I could have clearly chosen,
not settled, chosen to have a great, blended family with
a wonderful guy. But I did not want to expose
my two daughters to a poor romantic choice that I
(16:05):
might make. I was just too afraid that I would
make the wrong decision and they could get hurt somehow.
I will tell you this. I read a statistic that
terrified me. One of the most dangerous places for a
child to live in America is in a home with
a non biologically related male mommy's boyfriend, mommy's.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Husband, stepfather, stepbrother.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Apparently three times the rate of sex abuse, emotional abuse,
or physical abuse. And I had made really poor choices
in the past. I didn't want to expose my kids
for that. So I waited, and I kept studying the science.
I wrote books about relationships, I did a dissertation on
attachment theory. And then when I finally entered the mating
marketplace again, I tested my mate status. I would hit
(16:51):
on those guys, match with them on the apps, not
hit on them, but you know, match with them on
the apps who were particularly tall, made a lot of money,
good looking, whatever, And I would see how long it
would take them to respond to me, and they took
too long, and then I went, oh, let me move
down a little bit on the scale. And when I
met my now husband to see the amount of energy
(17:11):
he had on that app for me, I was like.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Ooh, this is cool. This is cool somebody who actually
loves you.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
Now.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Also, you need to learn your attachment style. If you
do not know your attachment style, go and google these
words Chris Frayley, he's a big researcher and attachment Chris
Frayley attachment test. Go take it the attachment test, and
then you can learn a little bit about why you're
choosing people who are inappropriate for you. Love is not
(17:39):
about finding happiness or pleasure. Love is about finding the familiar,
and it's based on some of our early childhood attachments
that we may not even remember how they laid out.
This becomes our model for love and finally learn how
to use those darn apps. I talk about it all
the time on my show on social media. Tune in
(18:01):
if you want to. All right, when we come back
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I've
written three books on relationships.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
And I love to weigh in on your love life.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
I am taking your calls live here on the Doctor
Wendy Wall Show.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
So give me a call.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. Producer Kayla's going to go screen the
calls and other room I see her moving. That's one
eight hundred five two zero one five three four one
eight hundred five two zero one. KFI you are listening
to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM six
(18:36):
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6 (18:39):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Kf I AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
So I'm trying to go on Instagram live, and my
Instagram people.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Are telling me there's no sound, no audio.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
That's why they should always download that iHeartRadio app and
they can hear. If you have a question, I would
like to call in. I'm happy to be taking your calls.
The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one, five
three four. That's five two zero one KFI. Okay, producer, Kayla,
do we have anybody on the line.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Of course, we have Charlene with a question.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Charlene. Hi, Charlene, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 7 (19:18):
Hi, doctor Wendy.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
What's your question? Love?
Speaker 7 (19:22):
All right, So, my husband and my mother got into
a really bad argument this past weekend and it got
really aggressive. I feel like my husband was right in
the argument, but I really just don't like the way
that he spoke to her, and I really don't know
how to address it.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Okay, Well, first of all, this is not your issue.
It's an issue between your husband and your mother. And
it is important that when you are in a marriage
that you appear as a united front with your spouse,
and you set up very clear boundaries with family members,
and you choose those rules together. So I think what
(20:01):
needs to happen now, Charlene, is you need to encourage
your husband, even though you agree that he was right
and whatever the argument was, to reach out to your
mother and just say he's sorry about his tone of voice,
he's sorry about some of his choices of language, just
to smooth things over, right.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
But you should also tell.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Him you agree with him, but it's it's also like
it's between the two of them. But I know it
impacts you, so you need to say to your husband, look,
we're a team.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
I totally agree with you.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
But if you want to give a gift to me,
which is my relationship with my mother, then you know, please,
you know, go and apologize for at least your tone
if that's what it was. Okay, if you like to
call the numbers one eight hundred five two zero, one
five three four. Right now, let's go to social media.
I think my Instagram just did not work.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
Maybe we don't have a good internet here.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
If we have good audio, I'll say that.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Okay, dear doctor Wendy looking at my DMS here my interest,
I assume you mean you love Interest has two phones
and I only have the phone number to one of them.
Is this a sign that we aren't that close? We've
been dating for four months? Okay, this is a sign
of many things. Who has two phones unless.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
They're planning to have.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Side relationships somehow, remember baby Rein, deer Lady, shit, a
whole bunch of phones. I would start by growing some
intimacy with this human who you're interested in by simply saying,
can we talk about why you have two phones? And
they'll try to brush it off, well, one is just
my work phone or whatever, and then say, oh, can
(21:46):
I have that number in case I can't reach you
on this one or whatever.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
And just see what happens. See what happens. I have
to tell you a funny story.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
So one time I had I can't remember why the
police were called. There was something I had a break in,
potentially in my apartment building at the time, and three
police officers came in just to check things out, to
make everything safe. And there was a female police officer
and there were two males. So the males went outside
and they were like, look at the perimeter of the
building whatever. She was inside asking me a few questions,
(22:16):
and we start talking about relationships and dating, because you
know that's what girls do.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
You get two women together. They start talking about this.
So then she says.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
To me, you know, I live in a man's world.
I got male partners and they're all married. And let
me tell you, they all have a second cell phone
that they keep under the car seat and they turn
it off when they get home to their wife.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
I was shocked.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Are good men in blue? I can't believe that.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
Oh they're like all men, I guess, but it makes
it a little easier. But she's witnessed to it, right,
So I would ask him why the other phone and
give me details and give me the digits for it.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
And if not, like, yeah, you're not that close.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
If you can't even have this conversation, all right, moving on, Hey,
doctor Wendy, My husband and his friends go on guys
trips every year. One of the guys and his wife
got a divorce, and during a nasty fight, he said
that their guys trip was really a trip where they
act single and cheat. Oh dear, my husband and I
(23:16):
are in a rough patch, and I want to know
the best way to ask him about this. I am
very distraught. Okay, if you and your husband are in
a quote unquote rough patch, then the both of you
need to get into couple's therapy and that's the place
to bring this up. And the way you're going to
bring it up is say, look, I had heard this.
It made me scared, and we're going through such a
(23:38):
hard time. What can you tell me about this?
Speaker 6 (23:42):
Right?
Speaker 1 (23:42):
So that would freak me out, Just saying, but I'd
want to do it in the safety of a therapist's
office so that you could really really get to the
bottom of it and your feelings and his feelings about this.
But wonder if it's true. All right, moving along to
(24:03):
my dms. If you'd like to send me a DM
on Instagram, it's at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor
Wendy Walsh. Dear doctor Wendy. My first few dates humbled
me instead of showering me with compliments, humbled me. I
think you mean put you down?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Uh huh?
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Is it something with me or these men just insecure?
I was told my career isn't that big of a deal.
I'd be prettier if I cut my hair. My personality
is too strong. Oh my goodness, woman, that's terrible. When
I first started dating the men, they were more complimentary,
frustating them in why are they doing this now? Because
(24:42):
they're insecure and because you have power.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
So here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
If you don't know this, ladies, the reason why guys
put you down. It's a psychological trick that goes back
to the beginning of time. They want you to feel
insecure so you will stay with them. So when they
do tell you your career isn't a big deal, or
you'd be pretty er if you cut your hair, or
your personality is too strong, you reach down into your
(25:06):
belly and you do a big ass belly laugh.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
You laugh, you find that funny. Just put them off guard.
Just laugh.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
That's all you should do. Like, I'm so confident. If
you're really gonna say that about me, I will just laugh.
You don't even have any words, Just laugh, all right.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
If you'd like to give me.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
A call or send me a DM you may when
we come back from the break. The numbers one eight
hundred and five two zero, one five three four or
DM me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh. You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6 (25:44):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
On KFI Am six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
This is a Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
I'm taking your calls and answering your social media direct
messages because I'm on your love life.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Producer Kayla, who do we have on the line? We
have right with the question, Hirie, It's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 5 (26:08):
Hey, how are you good?
Speaker 2 (26:10):
What's your question?
Speaker 3 (26:10):
Love?
Speaker 5 (26:13):
Well, it's a little bit of a scenario, and I
hope you give me a minute to try to bring
you up to speed. But I've been involved with the
same person for twenty six years and we've been married
for nineteen years, and we had been going through some
financial difficulty. She was in school, and I was trying
to find remote work while building a bus an architectural
(26:35):
designer BIS and one day, well, there was a couple
of other situations and circumstances that were leading up to
us having to be a VICTI from a place that
we were staying.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Oh, I'm sorry, and.
Speaker 5 (26:49):
Yeah, I appreciate that. And you know, I'm working with
disability and I'm trying to also do those things that
are necessary trying to help us. She was trying to
help us. To be fair, it takes two people to
make it in this world. If they're going to be together,
they got to work together to try to make things
work out. But she gave me, she told me that
(27:12):
we needed to go. I needed to go and sign
some paperwork, and I trusted her. So I went to
go do that and that she had already signed, came
back and she had taken everything. We had a dog,
a fourteen year old dog together. She took him, she
took everything else. What a shock, Yeah, it is, It
(27:35):
is very much. It was supposed to be a judgment
that was supposed to give us a little bit more
time before we had to move.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
And was it that or was she duping you in
some way in that area too?
Speaker 5 (27:49):
She was duping me because she had already signed it
and she knew that she needed to.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, So Ray, what's your question
about this?
Speaker 5 (28:00):
Okay, So the question is she told me that she
did this, and one of the reasons was that I
didn't keep her safe. And then the other thing about
that is, well, my statement to her was, well, you
didn't keep our marriage protected because she brought someone else
(28:20):
in between us.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
Oh there was some infidelity as well, exactly, okay.
Speaker 5 (28:26):
And I found out about this back in twenty sixteen.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
So I'm going to so tell me your question because
I want to.
Speaker 5 (28:34):
I want to understand what that means when you say
I didn't keep you safe and then when I say, well,
you didn't. You didn't keep our marriage safe.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
Okay, So it sounds like you're searching for the answer
to the question why and also the question of who's
that fault? And I will tell you that you will
go down a rabbit's hole of spinning thoughts trying to
come up with the answer to those questions, because the
truth is, you even said it. It takes two to tango,
(29:04):
takes two to make a marriage, takes two to keep
a marriage. And if you're spending your time thinking about
what you could have done differently, or what she should
have done differently, then you're not moving on with your life.
You know what, ray What she did with you, not
spending the time processing with you, not spending the time
actually even breaking up with you by just disappearing was
(29:28):
a terrible betrayal. And you have every right to feel angry.
You have every right to grieve right. This is what
I tell people is like, have your feelings, you are
owed them. But I'm telling you if you spend your
time thinking should have, would have, could a then you
(29:48):
will never evolve from this relationship. I want you to
go find a therapist and let me tell you lots
of affordable ones. Just go near and a university that
has a PhD program in psychology. They all have a
counseling center. They work on a sliding scale, sometimes as
little as ten dollars an hour. I'm telling everybody this,
(30:09):
It is possible to find affordable therapy and you go
in there and say I want to work on my
anger and grief so I can move on. But I'll
tell you from my personal experience, the more I spent
time in my life trying to figure out other people
and why they did things or to blame myself, it
(30:30):
was time wasted because I never got the answers. I
never got the closure, and it doesn't matter. This important
relationship is over and you are betrayed and you were hurt,
and it's your feelings that need to be attended to.
Speaker 5 (30:46):
Now.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
Thank you for calling Ram, I'm so sorry this happened
to you. And heading onto my social media, I have
to tell you that coincidentally, the next question that I
pulled up is almost the same question. A woman says,
Dear doctor Wendy, I got ghosted by a fifty seven
(31:08):
year old man that I dated for eight months. I
need answers. I'm internalizing his actions, and it's not fair
to me. My friends suggest popping up at the gym
he goes to. Is this how I should get my answers? Everyone,
I'm telling you, I spent a life doing this, trying
to figure out other people and why they did it.
(31:29):
And the why doesn't matter. What matters is your loss,
your grieving, your feelings of betrayal. You waste so much
time when you focus on them instead of focusing on
healing and raising your own self esteem. Honestly, I thought
(31:52):
an overthought and triple thought and thought too much and
swirled around with.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
Well, he did this, maybe he did this. We maybe
had a bad childhood.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Maybe he did this.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
Maybe maybe I shouldn't have said that. It will drive
you crazy. Don't do it.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
Work on moving forward and healing, all right? Moving on,
Dear doctor Wendy. My crush does everything to push me
away because he says he will hurt me. I think
he's scared of love. Am I fooling myself? Or could
I be? Or could I be healing his self sabotage? Okay,
(32:26):
when people tell you who there they are, believe them. Okay,
believe them.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
I'm gonna tell you.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
A story I've told her before. On a third date
with a guy who is being very emotionally avoidant with me,
he gave me a Cardier watch. Now I thought this
was a sign of Oh, that's amazing. This guy's really
crazy for me. He's gonna come around, he's gonna be
less avoided. No, no, no, this was an apology gift
for the pain that was to come, because it's inappropriate
to give somebody a gift that expensive on a third date.
(32:55):
It was him saying, this is the best I can
do because I can't give you me, can't give you
my feelings, can't give you my love, can't give you
my intimacy.
Speaker 5 (33:02):
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
So I'm telling you that if somebody says I'm gonna
hurt you, they mean it, and you need to listen
because later, when it gets awful, they get to say,
but I told you, right, I told you so, Yeah,
move on, don't know, don't It's not your job to
(33:24):
heal anybody, not your job to ever heal anybody. That's
their job when they're ready. Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, I
went through my wife's phone. Unfortunately. I like that word
unfortunately there because I know what's coming.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
I don't even have to read further.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
But okay, we were having financial struggles then and then
they magically stopped.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Uh oh, uh oh.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
All of a sudden, she can cover the bills. It
made me suspicious, and I found out she'd been doing
sex work. I'm devastated. What's the best way to address this?
There is no way to beat around the bush on this.
You got to say, honey, I'm a bad person. I
went through your phone. I was trying to figure out
because you seem to be living a double life, you're
(34:09):
not home that often. Now you're paying for all the bills.
Of course you should have asked her the question before
you went through her phone. You're both guilty of something right,
violation of privacy, violation of I assume you were monogamous
and you had a deal that you were going to
be monogamous. Yeah, I'm saying, you just got to bring
it up flat out. I went through your phone. I'm
(34:30):
sorry it was the wrong thing to do, but I
found out something wrong you've been doing to me. Look,
I have no problem with people who have open relationships
and they have all the rules and they know what
they're doing, but it's the betrayal thing right, that's the
thing that's not so good. Hey, when we come back,
you know that alleged assassin Luigi. A lot of young
girls and older ones too, are thinking he's pretty hot, hot,
(34:53):
hot hot. I want us to all play armchair psychologists
like the rest of the Inner net is doing right now,
and try to figure out if he has a personality disorder.
Speaker 3 (35:04):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (35:05):
I mean, I teach this stuff. We go through the
criteria in the DSM. Let's do it together, shall we
like a little school project. But he's cute, Let's analyze him.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
(35:25):
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Appf I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Kaylew
you laugh at me.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
I love when you have high energy.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I was getting energy.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
It makes me so happy because I was feeling a
little tired. You know what I did today, what I
got a new car. I got a Honda Prologue.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Prologue. That's an exhausting process. Yeah, it was.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
It is. Okay, this is an industry we need to
change everybody. I know that Carvana and CarMax and all
these things say they're doing it, but no, you still
have to go sit in a dealership and negotiate for hours.
But luckily my husband used to work in the car industry,
so he could look at all those tiny little numbers
that they put on that contract and hide the things in.
(00:53):
But anyway, I'm very excited. I have been an early
adopter of electric cars. I had a smart car, I
had a Fea Electric. Of course, I have my Tesla
for many years and now the Honda prologue because they
have a really great By the way, they pay me
nothing to say is I'm not even a brand person.
I don't even know if Honda is good, bad or whatever.
But there's some kind of rebate thing that's huge that's
(01:15):
on by the end of the year. So that's why
we quickly did it, and how we found the cars.
We drove in it as an ober to a Christmas party.
We drove into it. I mean we were the passengers
and we said, the guys, this is a brand new car,
because yeah, it's a couple of weeks old.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
And I said, what is it, Like, how many miles
does it get?
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Blah blah blah blah blah and the next thing, and
I'm like, I'm going to go buy one tomorrow. And
he goes, well, I happen to sell them, come visit me.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
So I did.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
So it was all good. Hey, there's a new study out.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
I want to talk well, before I get into this,
let me just say what's coming up. I am later
in the show going to join the rest of America
and become an armchair psychologist in diagnosing armand Luigi you
know who I'm talking about, right, Kayla, Oh yeah, mister
eyebrows and abs.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
Eyebrows and abs, and the one that everybody has an
alibi for everyone in the social media world to say
that he was with them in bed that night, so
he couldn't have committed the crime.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
So girls are fangirling.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
I predict that the trial of Luigi Maggioni Mangioni, I
say that right is going to be another big, huge
media circus. Everyone's gonna watch it. It's going to be
an indictment on the healthcare industry. I mean, my heart
goes out, and I'm very sad for Brian Thompson who
was brutally murdered by this assassin.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
But alleged assassion. Alleged assassins.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
We're supposed to say everybody's innocent in America until proven guilty,
no matter how many cameras are on them and how
much footage there is.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Hey could have been fake news.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
We don't know.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Anyway.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Later on, I'm gonna do my best, but I first
want to talk to single people. You know, almost fifty
percent about forty seven percent of Americans, according to the
latest US Census Borost Census Bureau data, are single. That's
almost one hundred and twenty million people who are unmarried,
(03:04):
nearly half of all adults over the age of eighteen. Now,
when you hear those stats, right, don't you go, oh
my god, what's wrong with America? Because back in nineteen
fifty is like eighty five percent of people were married. Well,
why do you assume that being married is the right thing?
Or why do you assume that people who are unmarried
(03:25):
are not in relationships?
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Right?
Speaker 1 (03:28):
They could be in same sex relationships and have chosen
not to be married. They could be in heterosexual cohabitating
relationships and chosen not to be married. Maybe it's just
the old institution of marriage that they don't want, right. Well,
there is a new survey that came out to help
American singles find love by wallet hub, a financial website
(03:52):
wallet Hub. They compared more than one hundred and eighty
US cities across thirty five key indicators of get this
dating friendliness, and their data ranges from you know how
many people in the population are single, to the kinds
of dating opportunities to the average price for a two
(04:14):
person meal. All right, so they came up with the
top cities to date, the top cities to be single,
in Okay.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Number one. Are you ready, Kayla, I'm writing it down. Atlanta, Georgia.
Speaker 5 (04:30):
No.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Apparently it's affordable, there's lots to do, and there's lots
of single people, okay. And they also looked at gender
breakdown too, because if you have too many of one
gender or one sex, then that's an imbalance and doesn't
make dating fun. So it looked at Georgia number one.
Number two is shocking to me. Las Vegas, Nevada.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
Really, I know the city of sin.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
I know it's like a well, I guess single people
party city.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Okay, I don't know, could it be?
Speaker 3 (04:55):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Number three is interesting to me because I think of
this city as a family city. Seattle, Washington, Okay, swinging
singles running around there, But apparently they are and.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
It's always raining there, so it's nice to snuggle up.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
You're gonna like this one because it's in your home
for you. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Oh, that is close to home.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
You're New Jersey, I am, but as you explained to me,
because I knew nothing about New Jersey until I met Kayla.
Prior to that, I knew about Jersey Shore, and I
also knew that whenever two people from New Jersey met
each other, the first thing they'd say is what exit, Like,
there's only one road?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Yes, there's one road.
Speaker 3 (05:32):
Are you north or south? That's what people care about.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
So I also learned because I always thought New Jersey
was a suburb of New York City where people commuted in,
and apparently part of it is, but not Mike Kayla's area.
Mike Kayla if she was going to commute somewhere obe
to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, right or.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Philadelphia or Philadelphia?
Speaker 3 (05:53):
Yes, but oh Pennsylvania.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
I got those two p words.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Miss problem with me. Okay, moving on down the list
for happy singles. The other place to go flirt and
have fun is Tampa, Florida. Tampa, Okay, not even Orlando. Tampa, Like,
isn't it on the Gulf coast with a bunch of
like snowbirds from Chicago or something who don't go to Miami?
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Is a Tampa.
Speaker 4 (06:18):
I've never been to Tampa, but I might as well
check it out now.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Okay, another one which is a great city.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
I spent a weekend there recently, had a fabulous time
as Portland, Oregon.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Oh yeah, lots to.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Do, lots of great food, lots of art, it was fun.
And then Cincinnati, Ohio. Now I want to dispute something
from this study done by wallet hub. Just because a
city has lots of single people in it doesn't mean
that it is a place you will find love. You see,
(06:51):
while divorce is contagious, marriage is also contagious, and if
you want to be married, you should hang out with
mary people because you know what married people want to
do with their single friends. They want to get them
married to somebody. They don't want them hanging out. So
I actually think this is just my guess that you
would do better as a single person if you hung
(07:15):
out with married people in cities where there's lots of
marriage going on. But if it's a city that's full
of single people, where there's a lot of single people
on nightlife and fun, why are you going to get married?
It sounds like fun, Like why leave that single life?
They did look at also gender balance among singles, So
they looked at the cities it was great to be
(07:37):
single in, but then they looked at the ones where
the closest equal amount of males and females, So we're
talking about heterosexual relationships, I guess. In their study Kayla,
you are not going to believe I'm going to tell
you the top five, and I'm going to go backwards
because when we get to number one, you are not
going to believe it. Okay, these are cities that have
a lot of singles and about the same amount of
(08:00):
male and female singles. You ready, yes, okay. Cheyenne, Wyoming
is number five.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
Okay, I never even heard of it till just now,
right now. Oh, he talks beautiful?
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Is it beautiful?
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Is so beautiful? It's too expensive?
Speaker 3 (08:11):
Too expensive?
Speaker 2 (08:12):
It's beautiful.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Lincoln, Nebraska is number four. I know, I know, I know.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Wait wait, wait for it. Number three Fontana, California. Do
you know where Fontana is?
Speaker 2 (08:25):
That's out there in the Inland Empire.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
You just keep going out the sixty or the tanner
out there, and you're going to hit it.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Okay, yep.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
In fact, I had heard I don't know if this
is true, but I had heard that Fontana has a
lot of firefighters, nurses, and police officers.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
I do like firefighters.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Number two is Boise, Idaho. Okay, now wait, get this.
This is the city in America with the closest gender balance,
meaning equal number of males and females in the single marketplace.
Nino California also out there.
Speaker 4 (09:02):
Okay, I gotta get to the ie.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
Yeah, you gotta literally get on that freeway go out
to the sixties.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
So this week, speaking of all you singles out there,
I was at a I don't know what you would
call it. It was a luncheon. It had like seven women.
They were all elegant, and they came from different walks
of life because we were brought together for a purpose
planning for twenty twenty five, and a number of them
were single. A number of them were in their forties
(09:28):
or fifties, and they were asking me about the science
of love and how to find a mate, and very
quickly I was able to do a quick summary of
what they should do. And then I thought, uh, I
should tell my listeners this because here I just did
it at lunch for these women, and they're like, you
need to tell the world this. I'm like, well, okay,
I'll do it on Sunday. So when we come back,
(09:49):
if you are single, if you are looking for a mate,
listen U because I'm gonna tell you how to do
it when we come back. You are listening to the
Doctor Wendy Wall Show. Okay, if I Am six forty
were live everywhere on the iHeart Radio app.
Speaker 6 (10:01):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
AFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I want to
welcome my TikTok audience. I don't know how long we're
going to be together, right.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
Kayla, till January nineteen.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
January nineteenth. TikTok is like going to disappear.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
That's what they're saying.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Oh my goodness, you guys better come over to Instagram
because I'm over there too.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Wow. It's gonna just go away, that's what they're saying.
This will be interesting, won't it. Anyway?
Speaker 1 (10:36):
If you're just tuning in your live in the iHeartRadio
studios in Burbank, California, I'm doctor Wendy Walsh, known as
America's relationship Expert. If you're a listener to KFI, just
come on over to TikTok and you'll be able to
see us here in the studio. I want to talk
about techniques and things that people need to understand if
they're single and they're looking for a mate in twenty
(10:59):
twenty five, no matter what your age, want to remind
everybody that when until death to us part was invented,
death was pretty imminent, and even the most monogamous of
humans will have two or three long stint of monogamy
in their life now. I know. Every once in a
while I get a talk about Live where some listener
calls in and says, I've been with my spouse for
(11:19):
forty years, and I'm like, congratulations, you are not typical.
What is typical is to have a stint of monogamy,
maybe one for raising children and a divorce and another one,
et cetera.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Because we just have longer.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Life expectancies than we've ever had in our history. And
so this whole The first thing I want to tell
you about finding a mate is dump the myth that
you're going to find your soulmate in your twenties and
you're going to stay together for four or five or
six decades, and if you don't, that relationship is a
failed relationship. Hate that word. There's no such thing as
(11:56):
a failed relationship. There's only a relationship that you'll learn
something and relationships are not about luck, they are about skill. Okay,
So if you're looking for love in twenty twenty five,
there are few things you need to know when it
comes to the science of love. And if you don't
believe love is a science, you haven't been listening to
(12:16):
me long enough. There are biological, psychological, and sociological pieces
of the art and craft and science of love. Number One,
understand your mating marketplace. In the last segment, I was
talking about a new study that showed where it was
good cities in America for single people because there were
(12:38):
huge populations of singles. I want you to understand that
right now, in our modern Western culture, we have an
oversupply of successful women. Now, the problem, it's not that
there are fewer men. There are fewer men that these
highly educated and money earning women want to marry because
(12:59):
they have patriarchy swimming in their heads too. And by
the way, ladies, i'm talking to you, your idea of
a power man might just be a guy who can
power a stroller. So it's not that we have fewer men,
it's that more women are surging ahead in education. I'm
a university professor. The feminization of college campuses has been
(13:21):
very obvious to me, and it's been going on for
a couple decades. In my particular school, we are about
seventy percent females. So I'm telling you that, ladies, there
are not enough guys of your education and income level
to go around. Now you're all thinking, like, but I'll
(13:42):
be the one to get the alpha male so I
can be a trad wife.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Then why did you go to school?
Speaker 1 (13:47):
What is this trend about trad wife? Okay, it's really
cool to be like I am. I have a partner,
I have a best friend. We're equal in some ways,
uneas equal in others, but it all balances out right.
When I got my head off this idea that a
(14:08):
man should make more money than me, that a man
should be tough or stoic or whatever, and I instead
met a best friend who likes to do dishes.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
And laundry, I'm like, oh my gom, and he can
fix things.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
I'll say anything for that. It's amazing. It's like I
have a tad wife. No I don't.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
He has a career too. Okay, so understand your mating marketplace.
If you're in a mating marketplace, one of the worst
places for educated single women right now is New York City,
just an oversupply of successful women. I'm sorry, Kayla, you didn't.
My producer just rolled her eyes and looked very sad
when I said that.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Yeah, I like New York men. That's unfortunate.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
Yeah, well, everybody likes those men, especially the ones that
work on Wall Street and are tall and have deep voices.
But you can't all have them, and doesn't mean you're settling.
It means you're finding something great. Get patriarchy out of
your head. That's when I say, secondly, learn your true
mate status. Now I'm gonna tell your story. So when
(15:11):
I was in my twenties, I was hot, hot, hot.
I could get any man in bed, literally, anyone, anytime,
any place.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
I was hot, hot, hot.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
And then I became a single mom. I learned that
when you're dragging two kids as balls and chains around,
all of a sudden, these sort of like middle management,
middle age, middle weight divorce dads would start circling and
I'm like, wait, no, no, no, these were not the
guys I used to date, the ones with Academy awards
(15:42):
and Super Bowl rings. Wait a minute, this guy's driving
a minivan and he thinks he can go out with me.
And that's when I realized, oh oh, my mate status
is not what it was now. I could have clearly chosen,
not settled, chosen to have a great, blended family with
a wonderful guy. But I did not want to expose
my two daughters to a poor romantic choice that I
(16:05):
might make. I was just too afraid that I would
make the wrong decision and they could get hurt somehow.
I will tell you this. I read a statistic that
terrified me. One of the most dangerous places for a
child to live in America is in a home with
a non biologically related male mommy's boyfriend, mommy's.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
Husband, stepfather, stepbrother.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Apparently three times the rate of sex abuse, emotional abuse,
or physical abuse. And I had made really poor choices
in the past. I didn't want to expose my kids
for that. So I waited, and I kept studying the science.
I wrote books about relationships, I did a dissertation on
attachment theory. And then when I finally entered the mating
marketplace again, I tested my mate status. I would hit
(16:51):
on those guys, match with them on the apps, not
hit on them, but you know, match with them on
the apps who were particularly tall, made a lot of money,
good looking, whatever, And I would see how long it
would take them to respond to me, and they took
too long, and then I went, oh, let me move
down a little bit on the scale. And when I
met my now husband to see the amount of energy
(17:11):
he had on that app for me, I was like.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Ooh, this is cool. This is cool somebody who actually
loves you.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
Now.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Also, you need to learn your attachment style. If you
do not know your attachment style, go and google these
words Chris Frayley, he's a big researcher and attachment Chris
Frayley attachment test. Go take it the attachment test, and
then you can learn a little bit about why you're
choosing people who are inappropriate for you. Love is not
(17:39):
about finding happiness or pleasure. Love is about finding the familiar,
and it's based on some of our early childhood attachments
that we may not even remember how they laid out.
This becomes our model for love and finally learn how
to use those darn apps. I talk about it all
the time on my show on social media. Tune in
(18:01):
if you want to. All right, when we come back
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I've
written three books on relationships.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
And I love to weigh in on your love life.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
I am taking your calls live here on the Doctor
Wendy Wall Show.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
So give me a call.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. Producer Kayla's going to go screen the
calls and other room I see her moving. That's one
eight hundred five two zero one five three four one
eight hundred five two zero one. KFI you are listening
to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM six
(18:36):
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6 (18:39):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Kf I AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
So I'm trying to go on Instagram live, and my
Instagram people.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Are telling me there's no sound, no audio.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
That's why they should always download that iHeartRadio app and
they can hear. If you have a question, I would
like to call in. I'm happy to be taking your calls.
The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one, five
three four. That's five two zero one KFI. Okay, producer, Kayla,
do we have anybody on the line.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Of course, we have Charlene with a question.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Charlene. Hi, Charlene, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 7 (19:18):
Hi, doctor Wendy.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
What's your question? Love?
Speaker 7 (19:22):
All right, So, my husband and my mother got into
a really bad argument this past weekend and it got
really aggressive. I feel like my husband was right in
the argument, but I really just don't like the way
that he spoke to her, and I really don't know
how to address it.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Okay, Well, first of all, this is not your issue.
It's an issue between your husband and your mother. And
it is important that when you are in a marriage
that you appear as a united front with your spouse,
and you set up very clear boundaries with family members,
and you choose those rules together. So I think what
(20:01):
needs to happen now, Charlene, is you need to encourage
your husband, even though you agree that he was right
and whatever the argument was, to reach out to your
mother and just say he's sorry about his tone of voice,
he's sorry about some of his choices of language, just
to smooth things over, right.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
But you should also tell.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Him you agree with him, but it's it's also like
it's between the two of them. But I know it
impacts you, so you need to say to your husband, look,
we're a team.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
I totally agree with you.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
But if you want to give a gift to me,
which is my relationship with my mother, then you know, please,
you know, go and apologize for at least your tone
if that's what it was. Okay, if you like to
call the numbers one eight hundred five two zero, one
five three four. Right now, let's go to social media.
I think my Instagram just did not work.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
Maybe we don't have a good internet here.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
If we have good audio, I'll say that.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Okay, dear doctor Wendy looking at my DMS here my interest,
I assume you mean you love Interest has two phones
and I only have the phone number to one of them.
Is this a sign that we aren't that close? We've
been dating for four months? Okay, this is a sign
of many things. Who has two phones unless.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
They're planning to have.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Side relationships somehow, remember baby Rein, deer Lady, shit, a
whole bunch of phones. I would start by growing some
intimacy with this human who you're interested in by simply saying,
can we talk about why you have two phones? And
they'll try to brush it off, well, one is just
my work phone or whatever, and then say, oh, can
(21:46):
I have that number in case I can't reach you
on this one or whatever.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
And just see what happens. See what happens. I have
to tell you a funny story.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
So one time I had I can't remember why the
police were called. There was something I had a break in,
potentially in my apartment building at the time, and three
police officers came in just to check things out, to
make everything safe. And there was a female police officer
and there were two males. So the males went outside
and they were like, look at the perimeter of the
building whatever. She was inside asking me a few questions,
(22:16):
and we start talking about relationships and dating, because you
know that's what girls do.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
You get two women together. They start talking about this.
So then she says.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
To me, you know, I live in a man's world.
I got male partners and they're all married. And let
me tell you, they all have a second cell phone
that they keep under the car seat and they turn
it off when they get home to their wife.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
I was shocked.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Are good men in blue? I can't believe that.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
Oh they're like all men, I guess, but it makes
it a little easier. But she's witnessed to it, right,
So I would ask him why the other phone and
give me details and give me the digits for it.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
And if not, like, yeah, you're not that close.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
If you can't even have this conversation, all right, moving on, Hey,
doctor Wendy, My husband and his friends go on guys
trips every year. One of the guys and his wife
got a divorce, and during a nasty fight, he said
that their guys trip was really a trip where they
act single and cheat. Oh dear, my husband and I
(23:16):
are in a rough patch, and I want to know
the best way to ask him about this. I am
very distraught. Okay, if you and your husband are in
a quote unquote rough patch, then the both of you
need to get into couple's therapy and that's the place
to bring this up. And the way you're going to
bring it up is say, look, I had heard this.
It made me scared, and we're going through such a
(23:38):
hard time. What can you tell me about this?
Speaker 6 (23:42):
Right?
Speaker 1 (23:42):
So that would freak me out, Just saying, but I'd
want to do it in the safety of a therapist's
office so that you could really really get to the
bottom of it and your feelings and his feelings about this.
But wonder if it's true. All right, moving along to
(24:03):
my dms. If you'd like to send me a DM
on Instagram, it's at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor
Wendy Walsh. Dear doctor Wendy. My first few dates humbled
me instead of showering me with compliments, humbled me. I
think you mean put you down?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Uh huh?
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Is it something with me or these men just insecure?
I was told my career isn't that big of a deal.
I'd be prettier if I cut my hair. My personality
is too strong. Oh my goodness, woman, that's terrible. When
I first started dating the men, they were more complimentary,
frustating them in why are they doing this now? Because
(24:42):
they're insecure and because you have power.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
So here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
If you don't know this, ladies, the reason why guys
put you down. It's a psychological trick that goes back
to the beginning of time. They want you to feel
insecure so you will stay with them. So when they
do tell you your career isn't a big deal, or
you'd be pretty er if you cut your hair, or
your personality is too strong, you reach down into your
(25:06):
belly and you do a big ass belly laugh.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
You laugh, you find that funny. Just put them off guard.
Just laugh.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
That's all you should do. Like, I'm so confident. If
you're really gonna say that about me, I will just laugh.
You don't even have any words, Just laugh, all right.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
If you'd like to give me.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
A call or send me a DM you may when
we come back from the break. The numbers one eight
hundred and five two zero, one five three four or
DM me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh. You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6 (25:44):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
On KFI Am six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
This is a Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
I'm taking your calls and answering your social media direct
messages because I'm on your love life.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Producer Kayla, who do we have on the line? We
have right with the question, Hirie, It's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 5 (26:08):
Hey, how are you good?
Speaker 2 (26:10):
What's your question?
Speaker 3 (26:10):
Love?
Speaker 5 (26:13):
Well, it's a little bit of a scenario, and I
hope you give me a minute to try to bring
you up to speed. But I've been involved with the
same person for twenty six years and we've been married
for nineteen years, and we had been going through some
financial difficulty. She was in school, and I was trying
to find remote work while building a bus an architectural
(26:35):
designer BIS and one day, well, there was a couple
of other situations and circumstances that were leading up to
us having to be a VICTI from a place that
we were staying.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Oh, I'm sorry, and.
Speaker 5 (26:49):
Yeah, I appreciate that. And you know, I'm working with
disability and I'm trying to also do those things that
are necessary trying to help us. She was trying to
help us. To be fair, it takes two people to
make it in this world. If they're going to be together,
they got to work together to try to make things
work out. But she gave me, she told me that
(27:12):
we needed to go. I needed to go and sign
some paperwork, and I trusted her. So I went to
go do that and that she had already signed, came
back and she had taken everything. We had a dog,
a fourteen year old dog together. She took him, she
took everything else. What a shock, Yeah, it is, It
(27:35):
is very much. It was supposed to be a judgment
that was supposed to give us a little bit more
time before we had to move.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
And was it that or was she duping you in
some way in that area too?
Speaker 5 (27:49):
She was duping me because she had already signed it
and she knew that she needed to.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, So Ray, what's your question
about this?
Speaker 5 (28:00):
Okay, So the question is she told me that she
did this, and one of the reasons was that I
didn't keep her safe. And then the other thing about
that is, well, my statement to her was, well, you
didn't keep our marriage protected because she brought someone else
(28:20):
in between us.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
Oh there was some infidelity as well, exactly, okay.
Speaker 5 (28:26):
And I found out about this back in twenty sixteen.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
So I'm going to so tell me your question because
I want to.
Speaker 5 (28:34):
I want to understand what that means when you say
I didn't keep you safe and then when I say, well,
you didn't. You didn't keep our marriage safe.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
Okay, So it sounds like you're searching for the answer
to the question why and also the question of who's
that fault? And I will tell you that you will
go down a rabbit's hole of spinning thoughts trying to
come up with the answer to those questions, because the
truth is, you even said it. It takes two to tango,
(29:04):
takes two to make a marriage, takes two to keep
a marriage. And if you're spending your time thinking about
what you could have done differently, or what she should
have done differently, then you're not moving on with your life.
You know what, ray What she did with you, not
spending the time processing with you, not spending the time
actually even breaking up with you by just disappearing was
(29:28):
a terrible betrayal. And you have every right to feel angry.
You have every right to grieve right. This is what
I tell people is like, have your feelings, you are
owed them. But I'm telling you if you spend your
time thinking should have, would have, could a then you
(29:48):
will never evolve from this relationship. I want you to
go find a therapist and let me tell you lots
of affordable ones. Just go near and a university that
has a PhD program in psychology. They all have a
counseling center. They work on a sliding scale, sometimes as
little as ten dollars an hour. I'm telling everybody this,
(30:09):
It is possible to find affordable therapy and you go
in there and say I want to work on my
anger and grief so I can move on. But I'll
tell you from my personal experience, the more I spent
time in my life trying to figure out other people
and why they did things or to blame myself, it
(30:30):
was time wasted because I never got the answers. I
never got the closure, and it doesn't matter. This important
relationship is over and you are betrayed and you were hurt,
and it's your feelings that need to be attended to.
Speaker 5 (30:46):
Now.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
Thank you for calling Ram, I'm so sorry this happened
to you. And heading onto my social media, I have
to tell you that coincidentally, the next question that I
pulled up is almost the same question. A woman says,
Dear doctor Wendy, I got ghosted by a fifty seven
(31:08):
year old man that I dated for eight months. I
need answers. I'm internalizing his actions, and it's not fair
to me. My friends suggest popping up at the gym
he goes to. Is this how I should get my answers? Everyone,
I'm telling you, I spent a life doing this, trying
to figure out other people and why they did it.
(31:29):
And the why doesn't matter. What matters is your loss,
your grieving, your feelings of betrayal. You waste so much
time when you focus on them instead of focusing on
healing and raising your own self esteem. Honestly, I thought
(31:52):
an overthought and triple thought and thought too much and
swirled around with.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
Well, he did this, maybe he did this. We maybe
had a bad childhood.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Maybe he did this.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
Maybe maybe I shouldn't have said that. It will drive
you crazy. Don't do it.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
Work on moving forward and healing, all right? Moving on,
Dear doctor Wendy. My crush does everything to push me
away because he says he will hurt me. I think
he's scared of love. Am I fooling myself? Or could
I be? Or could I be healing his self sabotage? Okay,
(32:26):
when people tell you who there they are, believe them. Okay,
believe them.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
I'm gonna tell you.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
A story I've told her before. On a third date
with a guy who is being very emotionally avoidant with me,
he gave me a Cardier watch. Now I thought this
was a sign of Oh, that's amazing. This guy's really
crazy for me. He's gonna come around, he's gonna be
less avoided. No, no, no, this was an apology gift
for the pain that was to come, because it's inappropriate
to give somebody a gift that expensive on a third date.
(32:55):
It was him saying, this is the best I can
do because I can't give you me, can't give you
my feelings, can't give you my love, can't give you
my intimacy.
Speaker 5 (33:02):
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
So I'm telling you that if somebody says I'm gonna
hurt you, they mean it, and you need to listen
because later, when it gets awful, they get to say,
but I told you, right, I told you so, Yeah,
move on, don't know, don't It's not your job to
(33:24):
heal anybody, not your job to ever heal anybody. That's
their job when they're ready. Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, I
went through my wife's phone. Unfortunately. I like that word
unfortunately there because I know what's coming.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
I don't even have to read further.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
But okay, we were having financial struggles then and then
they magically stopped.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Uh oh, uh oh.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
All of a sudden, she can cover the bills. It
made me suspicious, and I found out she'd been doing
sex work. I'm devastated. What's the best way to address this?
There is no way to beat around the bush on this.
You got to say, honey, I'm a bad person. I
went through your phone. I was trying to figure out
because you seem to be living a double life, you're
(34:09):
not home that often. Now you're paying for all the bills.
Of course you should have asked her the question before
you went through her phone. You're both guilty of something right,
violation of privacy, violation of I assume you were monogamous
and you had a deal that you were going to
be monogamous. Yeah, I'm saying, you just got to bring
it up flat out. I went through your phone. I'm
(34:30):
sorry it was the wrong thing to do, but I
found out something wrong you've been doing to me. Look,
I have no problem with people who have open relationships
and they have all the rules and they know what
they're doing, but it's the betrayal thing right, that's the
thing that's not so good. Hey, when we come back,
you know that alleged assassin Luigi. A lot of young
girls and older ones too, are thinking he's pretty hot, hot,
(34:53):
hot hot. I want us to all play armchair psychologists
like the rest of the Inner net is doing right now,
and try to figure out if he has a personality disorder.
Speaker 3 (35:04):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (35:05):
I mean, I teach this stuff. We go through the
criteria in the DSM. Let's do it together, shall we
like a little school project. But he's cute, Let's analyze him.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
(35:25):
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.