Dr. Wendy is covering lies in a relationship, how to know if you're dealing with a gaslighter and her famous sayings and what they mean. It's all on KFIAM-640.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wallsh
Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. If you're new to my show, I've got
a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist. I'm
a psychology professor. I'm always proud when one of my
(00:22):
students becomes a therapist. Though makes my heart just sing,
makes my heart sing. On today's show, we have a
few things we want to get to. Whether it's okay
to lie in your private intimate relationship with somebody. Are
there things that your partner just doesn't need to know?
Let's talk about that. Also, if you've been listening to
(00:44):
me and my shows and listening to my podcasts, et
cetera for a while, you know that there are some
Doctor Wendy ISM's out there sayings that I say all
the time, and in case you miss some, I actually
want to go through some of the hits with you
explain why they exist. But first, oh, and I'll be
also answering your social media questions. If you don't follow
(01:07):
me on Instagram, you should. The handle is at doctor
Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh. Send me a
DM producer, Kayla's going to be checking producer, Kayla. How
are you today? I am wonderful, Doctor Wendy. How are
you good? Do you lie in any of your dating relationships?
You don't tell the truth? One hundred percent of nine
the truth. There's nothing to lie about usually. Well that's good,
that's good. Yeah, But let me start by telling everyone
(01:29):
that all human beings lie. That we have this idea
that lying is bad. And I know there's a lot
of discourse in our media right now about our politicians lying.
They've always lied, and they flip flop. They basically, you know,
like one thing one week and next week they're like,
oh the people I want that, we'll switch over to
(01:51):
something else. So there's a lot of insincerity in our leadership,
which I know bothers people. But let's talk about the
kind of lies that in our culture socially are completely acceptable.
And I know you're sitting there, there's some of you
who are just like, no, it is never okay to lie. Well,
(02:11):
listen to this How about the fact that you might
lie sometimes about your own feelings and emotions. When a
stranger says, how are you today, Like a cashier trader Joe's,
do you say, well, you know, my mom's really sick
and my kid was having meltdown tantrums and I'm so
mad at the principal at her school, and my boss
(02:34):
just gave me all this extra workload. You don't say
that in public. You say I'm fine, how are you?
And they say I'm fine too. So we lie. We
pretend to be happy because it's not socially appropriate to
share with a stranger. There's one time we lie. We
lie about our feelings and emotions. We also lie because
(02:57):
we want somebody else to feel better, because we want
to get closer to them, or because we don't want
to offend them and you don't want to hurt their feelings.
It's called a social nicety. Giving a compliment, you don't
mean we all do it us girlies to each other,
or saying to the chef, oh my gosh, this is
so delicious, and then you get home and you say
(03:17):
to your husband, oh my god, that was such terrible food. Right,
It's okay, we do that out of social niceties. We
also lie to make excuses for ourselves, like we say
we're late because of traffic, but really we were stuck
swiping on Instagram for too long before we got in
the car. You know, I have to tell you something.
When live traffic updates in all our apps, Google, Ways,
(03:42):
whatever became popular, I didn't know. So I was literally
late for something, and I called the producer and the
producer this was for CNN, and the producer was in Atlanta.
I was trying to get to CNN up on Sunset Boulevard.
I was on the four or five and I had
left late. Let's be honest, I had left late. This
wasn't all one hundred percent of my fault. It probably
had to do with getting my bangs right in the mirror.
(04:04):
I don't know. And so I call his producer and go,
oh my god, it's la You know, the traffic's so bad,
because where are you? I go, oh, the worst, the
four h five. He goes whereabouts. I'm like, oh, like
I still, I'm like hitting Santa Monica Boulevard. I'm hitting
north and he literally click click clicks on his computer
without me knowing, and he goes okay, you're gonna be okay.
(04:24):
It looks like it's only read for like another half mile,
and then you're gonna make it. And I thought, oh
my goodness, what if I lied light lied and said
I'm around the corner in a total gridlock when he
could look on his computer and see there was no gridlock.
So we can can't lie about that so much anymore,
but we do. We make little excuses sometimes. We also
sometimes all exaggerate. We exaggerate about our skills, our job position,
(04:49):
our accomplishments. If you don't, you can't get a better job.
If you write a resume for yourself that is super
super super truthful, Like, well, let's be honest, I stayed
in the same deadhead job for four years. I didn't
like my cubicle mate, didn't get along with my boss.
That's why I need a new job. You're not going
to get a job. But if you mentioned these five
(05:12):
achievements you did during this time and blah blah blah,
you gotta exaggerate just a little bit. I mean embellishing.
Is that lying? Really? People often lie about their age.
People lie about their money and financial status. That's a
big one. People lie about their sexual history. It's really
(05:33):
funny because researchers who attempt to gather information on sexuality
human sexuality find that self report studies are completely, not completely,
but highly vulnerable to being inaccurate because of our social
pressure on men and women and the gender differences. So
men tend to over report sexual experience surprise, surprise. Women
(05:58):
tend to underreport worried about their number, like, oh my god,
the researcher might think they're a slut, and so it's
hard to gather real information. People lie because they blame
external factors instead of admitting that it was their fault. Right.
They also downplay their health habits. I'll be honest. I
(06:20):
like my glass of wine every night doesn't sound good
to you, does it? I didn't lie to you. Okay,
sometimes it's too all right. Last night it was a
glass of tequila. See, I'm being honest, and now you're
hating me. You're thinking, what has happened? She knows everything
about hell, she's a health psychology professor. Okay, everything in moderation.
Here's what we know that all these types of lies
(06:42):
are completely normal. They're deeply embedded in human interaction. They
serve a very important social function. They help us navigate
our relationships. They help us avoid embarrassment, they help us
feel better about ourselves. Now, when we come back, let's
talk about how people lie and why on dating app
and is it ever okay to lie within your own
(07:05):
intimate relationship. I'll tell you what the research says when
we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show. I Am six forty,
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. So I'm not a liar.
I tell truth to a fault. People often do not
like that about me. But having said that, I'm a
good storyteller. So I also people have said to me,
(07:46):
you don't actually lie, Doctor Wendy, but sometimes you embellish,
and I do because it makes a story that much better. Now, remember,
I have one kid who's a little bit on the spectrum,
who's everything is concrete and literal and on to a fault,
and she will say to me, why did you lie?
Just then, because that was just my embellishing. Like for instance,
(08:07):
we had she ordered hamburger at a restaurant the other
day and there was so much soupy sauce on it
that the bottom bun just became ew. It just fell apart.
It was crumbled. She couldn't even pick up her hamburger.
And I kept trying to wave over the waiter wave.
He didn't see us. It's like he was blind to us.
And then a patron at another table saw me waving
(08:28):
like crazy and called the waiter over and then pointed
to me, and they came over to the dude. I
don't know what this was about sexism? Am I? Are
they blind to me? I don't know. So he comes
over and I said, I've been trying to wave you
down since you served this hamburger, but thank you for coming.
And now it's so much she she can't. Can you
bring a new one? So he walks away and my
(08:50):
daughter goes, why did you lie? I said, why did
I lie? She said, you weren't waving him down since
he put the hamburger down. You were waving him down
after I took a few bites, right, So that's a
little embellishing I do to make the waiter feel bad.
It wasn't his fault, it was whoever put too much
(09:11):
gucy stuff on it, all right. Research from the Kinsey
Institute shows that when people lie, not die, hopefully lie
on dating apps. It is one of the biggest red flags. Now.
Having said that a dating app is like a resume
or a brochure, a billboard, it's not you got to
go on and sell yourself after you put your profile up.
(09:34):
But people do lie just a little bit. And I
think people who use dating apps regularly know which lies
are acceptable and which aren't. Kind in my opinion here,
but this is what I've heard. That men tend to
lie by about one inch on their height, any more
than an inch. We're catching you, dudes, stop it. Even
(09:54):
a guy who's six foot four puts you six foot five.
Even a guy who's five foot eight becomes five foot nine.
We kind of all know that now. And women lie
by about five to eight pounds of weight, right well,
Also in any given months, things can change by five
(10:15):
to eight pounds right. In fact, my husband is movie
producer and he used to work with an actress who
would you know, go up and down by a few
pounds based on what time of the month it was
for her, and they would have to schedule the shots
around her menstrual cycle. And they just knew. They said,
what's your cycle so we can plan the close up,
so the body shots for these dates. Poor thing talked
(10:35):
about being objectified. So here's what you can really get
in a lot of trouble for for lying on dating apps,
lying by your age. We just want to know the truth, okay.
And what people will say is, well, I lied about
my age because I knew they were searching by age
and I was sixty one, and so I put fifty
(10:56):
nine because a lot of people stop it at sixty.
That But if that's true, then you need to put
it in one sentence of your profile. Say I've lied
about my age by two years, so you can find
me because I'm biologically younger than my age, I work
out whatever, whatever, whatever you have to put that out
there and let them make a decision if they want
(11:17):
to meet you. Don't wait until he me. I met
a guy once for a date, and I'm telling you
he was fit and good look in and seventy two
years old, but he put that he was sixty five
in his profile, and when I showed up, I didn't
even know because he kind of looked sixty five. But
then he thought, I'll be honest now, And on this
first date he told me that he'd lied by seven years,
(11:39):
and I just thought, what can I trust you ever
with ever again? Like, that's a big lie. So don't
lie about your age, and don't lie about your relationship
status or your income. Listen. I once went out on
a coffee date with a guy whose profile was filled
with him sitting on private jets, him at five star
hotels and his description read I love the fine life
(12:03):
or the fine living. And when I met him for coffee,
he literally had no money. That was all other people
paying And I was just like, why do you persent yourself?
I mean because he got the coffee date, I guess,
but didn't trust him after that. So the big question
is is it okay to lie in your intimate private relationship? Well,
a team from the University of Rochester group of psychologists
(12:27):
decided to explore this, and what they did is they
did a study with two hundred couples and they made
these couples have face to face conversations with their romantic
partners in a laboratory, and they looked at how they
expressed honesty, how the other person perceived if they were
being honest or not, how they could discern whether their
(12:49):
partner was being honest or not. And they were asked
to share so called relationship threatening information, right, because that's
the stuff we don't want to be honest about, the
stuff we have a little shame about, right. And so
what they found the answer is just tell the truth.
(13:09):
Most people value honesty and relationships, even if it's painful.
My saying always is, don't forget to give them the
gift of pain. Sometimes people need the truth they can
I always say this, I can handle any truth, but
don't lie to me. I cannot stand to be lied to. Right.
(13:30):
In the long run, the researchers found that the relationships
were more stable and more healthy when people were truthful
all the time. It predicted greater personal and relationship well
being for both partners, and it also made the partner
motivated to change in that moment, because the stuff we
(13:50):
don't want to tell our partner about if we love
them is honey, can you shower more often? No? I
mean like the stuff that you know we don't want
a few people to feel too bad about So the
other thing is if you perceive that your partner is
being honest with you, that is more solidifying to the relationship.
You're going to stay together longer if you can just trust.
(14:13):
Come on, it's trust. That's what it is, all right.
Speaking of lying sort of, there are these people out
there in relationships that the Internet likes to call gas lighters.
I'll explain with that is in a minute or the
history of it, but what it means is they turn
things around in conversations and arguments to make it seem
(14:35):
like they're not being bad, you're just perceiving things wrong,
and they make people second guess their own feelings. Well,
I've got some strategies for you or how you can
handle a gas lighter in your life. When we come back,
you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty Relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Well,
the Internet loves to talk about something called gas lighters.
So you may remember there was a movie, I think
it started as a play in the thirties, and there
was a movie in the forties called Gaslighter, and it was,
you know about this couple where I think the husband
wanted her money. She had the money, and so he
(15:25):
was taking the gas lights in the house and flickering
them and doing stuff and then saying, I don't know
what you're talking about. They're fine, and literally he drove
her insane by making her think that there was a
different reality than there was. So the term is being
used a lot to describe people who make you doubt yourself.
(15:46):
And if you think for a minute that you might
be with somebody who's gaslighting you, let me go over
some of the things that gas lighters say to make
you feel insecure about yourself. So one of the things
they'll do is they'll find this sly way of insulting you,
(16:09):
but then they back it up with a fake, fake
words about care, like I was just trying to help you, right.
So here's an example. Let's say you're like out at
a party or out to dinner with friends, and dude
may I say, dude, most gaslighters tend to be men.
How I just want to tell everybody right now that
(16:32):
an insecure woman in a relationship tries to manipulate the man,
usually by a number of ways. One is she either
feigns victimhood. I need you, I can't live without you.
You've got to care for me and all the drama
queen problems. Or she I used to do this, pretends
like she's the hottest thing in town and everybody else
is calling, and tries to make them feel jealous and envious,
(16:54):
leaves guy's phone, numbers around other guys and whatever, and
leaves the phone open. She can see that other people
trying to get her. That was my strategy back when
I was unhealthy. So that's what women will do, right
And then there are the really anxious, attached women who
have you on location services and they're like, where you're going,
who you've been with, what's happening? You know, they're asking
(17:15):
a million questions. Men, on the other hand, when they're
insecure in relationships, they are more activated to really control
the other person. And there are ways you can control somebody.
You can certainly do it through intimidation. We call that
domestic violence. Okay, but there's a subtle way because many
guys are really good at just psychological control. They know
(17:37):
that if a woman feels insecure, she's less likely to
leave them and head out into the mating marketplace. So
gaslighters tend to be narcissistic. But remember the underbelly of narcissistems.
Narcissism is self loathing, so they don't actually feel they're
worthy of you, so their way to keep you near
(17:58):
is to put you down, so they will say things.
They will insult you and then say things like I
was trying to help you. So imagine your say out
to dinner and you're eating and he says he makes
a comment like whoa slow down, or you're eating too
much or something, and then you question it and they say, look,
I just wanted to give you valuable feedback because there
(18:20):
were other people there and I know they can be
really judgy, and I didn't want them to judge you,
so I was just protecting you. I'm sorry, there's no
protection there, Okay, that's him trying to make you feel insecure.
So they say, I was just trying to help you.
You know I'm gonna be honest. One time, years and
years ago, when I was a young Philly, I met
(18:43):
a guy who was a hottie and he was on TV.
It was a hot actor and we had a great
little time and I met and went to meet him,
flew in it flew into some romantic place and the
first day he says to me, you know, I have
misgivings about you. Someone told me you've been passed around
the NBA. Okay, I should tell you that. Even then,
(19:04):
I had enough self esteem to figure out what was
going on here. So I said, it sounds like you're
feeling judged by your choice in dating me. In other words,
I put it back on him, sounds like your feeling judged.
And then I said I don't feel embarrassed about my
sexual experience. And that shut him up, all right. That
(19:24):
shot him up because don't know what to say. He
wanted to make me feel insecure, like what's your number?
Nonsense that they do to women, And just let me
stop and for a moment and talk about the sexual
double standard. Do you think, for a moment, there's a
small group of highly randy females who are servicing the
huge population of men out there who over report on
(19:45):
sexual surveys that they're having so much sex. And then
there's this other big group of women who cross their
legs and are very careful. No what there are are
peers having sex with peers at the same rates across
a life span. There aren't gender differences. They will just
stop it right there. All right. Here's another thing the
(20:06):
gas lighters will often say to try to control people.
They'll say, that's not the way I meant it, Like,
in other words, you're dumb and you misunderstood, so they're
making you try to second guess your emotional response. So
they might another way of saying that's not the way
I meant it is like you're being too sensitive, right,
(20:27):
or you're overreacting right, So it makes you go, am
I overreacting?
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Look?
Speaker 1 (20:34):
The other day I was reading this article in the
New York Times. There's a therapist who weighs in on
people's problems, and there was a heartbreaking letter to read.
The woman said something like, you know, I have such
anxious attachment issues and I have abandonment issues. Can you
please help me control them? I now just got married
to the nicest man and takes such good care of me.
But when we're a pickleball. There's this other woman that
(20:56):
they both have something in common with, so they go
and have quiet conversations alone and I'm not welcome, And
then he'll make comments about other women, like, oh she's
good looking, and look she didn't have a wedding ring on.
And she said, please help me control my anxiety, so
I don't ruin this relationship. Well, that therapist said the
smartest thing. She said, anxiety is a message. You're being
(21:18):
sent a message that this guy's not caring for you,
and it's not okay for him to be having private
lunches with other women and commenting other that makes you
feel bad. He's doing it to make you feel bad.
Along the same lines, a gas lighter will say you're overreacting,
you're overthinking this. So that's what I used to get
a lot because I'm smart. I just say, you know,
you're really overthinking this. And i'd say, you know, I
(21:41):
think you're underthinking this is what i'd say. Or they
say you're making a mountain of a molehill. You're acting
so insecure. Why are you making such a big deal
about something that's so small. That's how gaslighters talk, So
let me tell you how to handle it. Three part strategy.
Number one, you state your thing, like, hey, I didn't
(22:01):
like that you were having lunch with that woman at pickleball.
That didn't feel really good to me. He's going to say,
you're overthinking this, you making amountain out of well, you're
being too sensitive. You now step number one, repeat your statement.
You're not doing it just for him, You're doing it
for yourself to remind your own brain what your feelings are.
So all you do is repeat your statement, like I
(22:22):
didn't like the feeling when you were having un You
don't have to raise your voice anymore, you don't have
to be more emphatic. Just repeat it because this helps
program your brain. Second thing, acknowledge the gaslighter's feelings, not
yours theirs, like I did with that mister cutie boy actor.
(22:43):
I said, it sounds like you're feeling embarrassed by that.
So let's go back to the example of whoh, slow down,
you're eating too much. I'm just trying to help you.
I mean, people might judge you. So your first statement
is doesn't feel comfortable to have a guy talk to
me about my eating. You repeat it, doesn't feel comfortable.
You have a guy talk to me about my eating,
(23:03):
and next it sounds like you're worried about people's judgment.
Sounds like you're worried of a people's judgment, and finally
explain your reasoning for your hurt. Again, this is reminding
your own brain as not trying to change them. It
is reminding your own brain. So you're going to say
something like, you know, when I was little, my mom
used to, you know, always talk to me about my weight,
(23:25):
and so it's particularly hurtful to me when I hear
it from you. But what you're doing is telling yourself
so that you can continue to be sane in the
face of having a gas lighter around. Hey, when we
come back, sperm chases egg and not the reverse, and
plenty of other Doctor Wendy ISAMs, let me break them down.
(23:45):
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Show. Since going everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app, I've been thinking about relationships for years,
partly because I was trying to resolve and understand my
own attachment trauma. If you will, you know, when I
was growing up, I had a well, I thought, a
(24:19):
wonderful leave it to Beaver family. But even the best
parents can make mistakes. And because my dad was in
the navy and gone in a very inconsistent pattern, I
grew to have an attachment style where I was addicted
to longing more than addicted to love. I was more
worried about I love. My fingers are making quotation marks
(24:42):
when I say love. I loved relationships where the guy
was either emotionally avoidant or literally distant, long distance relationships
where I was pining away for a love that could
be right. And it was only after going to therapy,
spending many years learning about this, also having my own
kids and practicing healthy attachment with them, and eventually going
(25:06):
to graduate school. Because I was just so fascinated by
this that I put an intellectual lens on love, I
healed myself. You probably know I have a wonderful husband
now and a secure attachment for the first time in
my life. But I also, along the way, because I'm
an educator and communicator, have been blogging and talking and
(25:28):
writing books about this, and so along the way. It's
been a couple decades now, I've come up with some
doctor Wendy ISAMs. I didn't do it on purpose. It's
just things I found myself saying over and over again
because I want people to understand them. These are some
sayings that if you don't learn. In my opinion, if
(25:50):
you don't learn, you're not going to be able to
find a healthy relationship. And I do want to say
one caveat is that this these isms aren't necessarily intended
for you know, people who are sexual minorities, same sex relationships,
open relationships, polyamorous, whatever, whatever. It's really for heterosexual people.
(26:12):
And so number one, sperm chases egg, not the reverse.
At the most basic biological level, heterosexual men are wired
with more testosterone, and they should do the courting and
the chasing at the very beginning. That means, I don't
care if this woman makes ten times the amount of
(26:33):
money he does. She should not offer to pay anything
on a first date and maybe a second or a third.
The time I brought it up for my now husband
was about our fifth date, fifth expensive dinner, and I said, hey,
can we talk about how I can contribute here, and no,
I said, can we talk about what we should be
(26:55):
doing with these checks? That's what I said, And he said,
I know what we should be doing with these checks.
I pay and I love that. But a message was
sent and the next day was a big picnic that
I packed myself and paid for everything to just kind
of let them know that I want to contribute in
some way. And then eventually down the road we started
(27:17):
splitting things. But at the beginning, at the beginning, sperm
should be chasing that egg. All right, here's my second ism.
There is no such thing as a failed relationship. I
am here to pull you off the guilt train. What
there are our love lesson graduations. You graduated from that one. Woohoo,
(27:40):
you learn something. I'm so proud of you. Now, It's
only a problem if you date the same person over
and over and again, and I mean same kind of person.
They may wear different clothes and drive a different car,
but the relationship kind of feels the same, and you
haven't learned and you haven't grown right, But we all
learn through experience. And when I hear people say say, well,
(28:00):
well my first marriage failed, No, it didn't your first
marriage culminated and you learn something, and you grew and
you moved on. Okay, there is no such thing as
a failed relationship, all right. The third one, I know
you've heard me say this a trillion times. Whenuntil death
do us Part was evented, death was pretty imminent. Even
(28:23):
the most monogamous people can expect two or three long
stance of monogamy with some made selection in between. We
call that dating. It has to do with our very
long life expectancies. If you got married in the year
nineteen hundred and profess that you would stay together until
death do you part, the average length of that marriage
was twelve years. If you got married in nineteen ninety,
(28:45):
ninety years later and you stood up there and professed
you will stay together until death do us Part, the
average length of that marriage was twelve years. The difference
is what's ending it? Right, It was ending because of
disease pre vaccinations, and it was ending because of wars
and fights and of famine and whatever. Now it's ending
because of divorce. And I'm not saying every marriage only
(29:06):
last twelve years. I'm saying that's the average, right, Some
last twenty, some last five and so at the very beginning,
when people made up this whole idea of till death
do us part, death was imminent, then all right, here's
a big one. Men don't fall in love through sex, Ladies.
Listen up here. I know the strategy because I've tried
(29:29):
it and failed with it a trillion times. I can't
say a trillion. There'd be nothing left in my body
if it was a trillion. Okay, a hundred women think
I'm going to be the nice girl. Okay, I'm not
going to put pressure on him. I'm not going to
insist on sleeping over after sex. I'll just lease he's okay,
and I'll just give him great sex, and he'll see
that I'm the easy one. I'm not the crazy chick.
(29:50):
And eventually he's going to turn and say, you're the
one I want to marry because you're so easy. No
bitches get commitments. I just want to say that, all right. So,
men do not fall in love with sex through sex.
In fact, how they fall in love is through trust,
and sadly, they don't trust a woman who gives them
sex easily. I don't care if you try to say, doctor, Wendy,
(30:13):
you're out of touch. That's the nineteen fifties. No, this
is basic evolutionary psychology. Okay, this is in all the
textbooks out there. Men perceive women who give sex too
easily as women who might cheat on them, women who
might share their eggs with the team, and they might
end up supporting another guy's offspring. So there you go.
(30:36):
And finally, this is my favorite saying, all genders value
what they have to work for. Give somebody who's chasing
you the gift of getting to sacrifice for you, because
we all value something more when we have to work
hard for it or sacrifice for it. That means allowing
(30:58):
people to drive all the way across. I was talking
to a woman recently who said, well, you know, I
live in the valley and so when I have a
date on the west side, I try to meet halfway
or whatever. And I'm just like no. She actually said
that she was on a date halfway in Brentwood or something,
and afterwards she actually had taken an uber, maybe because
(31:19):
she was going to drink or something, and afterwards she
went to get in an uber and dude was like,
why didn't you let me come and pick you up
in the valley, And she goes, oh, I just thought
it was, you know, too much driving for one night.
And he looked at her and said, you are worth
driving for. And never let a man off easy that way,
make him drive for you. So, ladies, if you're listening,
(31:42):
I don't care if you live in Pasadena and he
lives in Laguna Beach. He can drive there to pick
you up if you feel safe getting his car and
you know him right. I owned a little stranger from
an app. But you know what I mean. So let
people sacrifice, because ladies, we sacrifice for them, don't we.
You know what we gotta do to get ready for
a date. I don't even want to get into the
(32:03):
beauty routine. The cost of the hair, the nails, the skincare,
the facial, the wardrobe, the waxing. It's crazy. Okay, we're
sacrificing for them. Let them sacrifice for us, all right,
when we come back. I am now answering your social
media DM. Send me a DM. The handle on Instagram
is at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at Dr Wendy Walsh.
(32:25):
Let me weigh in on your live live you're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six
forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us
live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine
pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio
app
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wallsh
Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. If you're new to my show, I've got
a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist. I'm
a psychology professor. I'm always proud when one of my
(00:22):
students becomes a therapist. Though makes my heart just sing,
makes my heart sing. On today's show, we have a
few things we want to get to. Whether it's okay
to lie in your private intimate relationship with somebody. Are
there things that your partner just doesn't need to know?
Let's talk about that. Also, if you've been listening to
(00:44):
me and my shows and listening to my podcasts, et
cetera for a while, you know that there are some
Doctor Wendy ISM's out there sayings that I say all
the time, and in case you miss some, I actually
want to go through some of the hits with you
explain why they exist. But first, oh, and I'll be
also answering your social media questions. If you don't follow
(01:07):
me on Instagram, you should. The handle is at doctor
Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh. Send me a
DM producer, Kayla's going to be checking producer, Kayla. How
are you today? I am wonderful, Doctor Wendy. How are
you good? Do you lie in any of your dating relationships?
You don't tell the truth? One hundred percent of nine
the truth. There's nothing to lie about usually. Well that's good,
that's good. Yeah, But let me start by telling everyone
(01:29):
that all human beings lie. That we have this idea
that lying is bad. And I know there's a lot
of discourse in our media right now about our politicians lying.
They've always lied, and they flip flop. They basically, you know,
like one thing one week and next week they're like,
oh the people I want that, we'll switch over to
(01:51):
something else. So there's a lot of insincerity in our leadership,
which I know bothers people. But let's talk about the
kind of lies that in our culture socially are completely acceptable.
And I know you're sitting there, there's some of you
who are just like, no, it is never okay to lie. Well,
(02:11):
listen to this How about the fact that you might
lie sometimes about your own feelings and emotions. When a
stranger says, how are you today, Like a cashier trader Joe's,
do you say, well, you know, my mom's really sick
and my kid was having meltdown tantrums and I'm so
mad at the principal at her school, and my boss
(02:34):
just gave me all this extra workload. You don't say
that in public. You say I'm fine, how are you?
And they say I'm fine too. So we lie. We
pretend to be happy because it's not socially appropriate to
share with a stranger. There's one time we lie. We
lie about our feelings and emotions. We also lie because
(02:57):
we want somebody else to feel better, because we want
to get closer to them, or because we don't want
to offend them and you don't want to hurt their feelings.
It's called a social nicety. Giving a compliment, you don't
mean we all do it us girlies to each other,
or saying to the chef, oh my gosh, this is
so delicious, and then you get home and you say
(03:17):
to your husband, oh my god, that was such terrible food. Right,
It's okay, we do that out of social niceties. We
also lie to make excuses for ourselves, like we say
we're late because of traffic, but really we were stuck
swiping on Instagram for too long before we got in
the car. You know, I have to tell you something.
When live traffic updates in all our apps, Google, Ways,
(03:42):
whatever became popular, I didn't know. So I was literally
late for something, and I called the producer and the
producer this was for CNN, and the producer was in Atlanta.
I was trying to get to CNN up on Sunset Boulevard.
I was on the four or five and I had
left late. Let's be honest, I had left late. This
wasn't all one hundred percent of my fault. It probably
had to do with getting my bangs right in the mirror.
(04:04):
I don't know. And so I call his producer and go,
oh my god, it's la You know, the traffic's so bad,
because where are you? I go, oh, the worst, the
four h five. He goes whereabouts. I'm like, oh, like
I still, I'm like hitting Santa Monica Boulevard. I'm hitting
north and he literally click click clicks on his computer
without me knowing, and he goes okay, you're gonna be okay.
(04:24):
It looks like it's only read for like another half mile,
and then you're gonna make it. And I thought, oh
my goodness, what if I lied light lied and said
I'm around the corner in a total gridlock when he
could look on his computer and see there was no gridlock.
So we can can't lie about that so much anymore,
but we do. We make little excuses sometimes. We also
sometimes all exaggerate. We exaggerate about our skills, our job position,
(04:49):
our accomplishments. If you don't, you can't get a better job.
If you write a resume for yourself that is super
super super truthful, Like, well, let's be honest, I stayed
in the same deadhead job for four years. I didn't
like my cubicle mate, didn't get along with my boss.
That's why I need a new job. You're not going
to get a job. But if you mentioned these five
(05:12):
achievements you did during this time and blah blah blah,
you gotta exaggerate just a little bit. I mean embellishing.
Is that lying? Really? People often lie about their age.
People lie about their money and financial status. That's a
big one. People lie about their sexual history. It's really
(05:33):
funny because researchers who attempt to gather information on sexuality
human sexuality find that self report studies are completely, not completely,
but highly vulnerable to being inaccurate because of our social
pressure on men and women and the gender differences. So
men tend to over report sexual experience surprise, surprise. Women
(05:58):
tend to underreport worried about their number, like, oh my god,
the researcher might think they're a slut, and so it's
hard to gather real information. People lie because they blame
external factors instead of admitting that it was their fault. Right.
They also downplay their health habits. I'll be honest. I
(06:20):
like my glass of wine every night doesn't sound good
to you, does it? I didn't lie to you. Okay,
sometimes it's too all right. Last night it was a
glass of tequila. See, I'm being honest, and now you're
hating me. You're thinking, what has happened? She knows everything
about hell, she's a health psychology professor. Okay, everything in moderation.
Here's what we know that all these types of lies
(06:42):
are completely normal. They're deeply embedded in human interaction. They
serve a very important social function. They help us navigate
our relationships. They help us avoid embarrassment, they help us
feel better about ourselves. Now, when we come back, let's
talk about how people lie and why on dating app
and is it ever okay to lie within your own
(07:05):
intimate relationship. I'll tell you what the research says when
we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show. I Am six forty,
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. So I'm not a liar.
I tell truth to a fault. People often do not
like that about me. But having said that, I'm a
good storyteller. So I also people have said to me,
(07:46):
you don't actually lie, Doctor Wendy, but sometimes you embellish,
and I do because it makes a story that much better. Now, remember,
I have one kid who's a little bit on the spectrum,
who's everything is concrete and literal and on to a fault,
and she will say to me, why did you lie?
Just then, because that was just my embellishing. Like for instance,
(08:07):
we had she ordered hamburger at a restaurant the other
day and there was so much soupy sauce on it
that the bottom bun just became ew. It just fell apart.
It was crumbled. She couldn't even pick up her hamburger.
And I kept trying to wave over the waiter wave.
He didn't see us. It's like he was blind to us.
And then a patron at another table saw me waving
(08:28):
like crazy and called the waiter over and then pointed
to me, and they came over to the dude. I
don't know what this was about sexism? Am I? Are
they blind to me? I don't know. So he comes
over and I said, I've been trying to wave you
down since you served this hamburger, but thank you for coming.
And now it's so much she she can't. Can you
bring a new one? So he walks away and my
(08:50):
daughter goes, why did you lie? I said, why did
I lie? She said, you weren't waving him down since
he put the hamburger down. You were waving him down
after I took a few bites, right, So that's a
little embellishing I do to make the waiter feel bad.
It wasn't his fault, it was whoever put too much
(09:11):
gucy stuff on it, all right. Research from the Kinsey
Institute shows that when people lie, not die, hopefully lie
on dating apps. It is one of the biggest red flags. Now.
Having said that a dating app is like a resume
or a brochure, a billboard, it's not you got to
go on and sell yourself after you put your profile up.
(09:34):
But people do lie just a little bit. And I
think people who use dating apps regularly know which lies
are acceptable and which aren't. Kind in my opinion here,
but this is what I've heard. That men tend to
lie by about one inch on their height, any more
than an inch. We're catching you, dudes, stop it. Even
(09:54):
a guy who's six foot four puts you six foot five.
Even a guy who's five foot eight becomes five foot nine.
We kind of all know that now. And women lie
by about five to eight pounds of weight, right well,
Also in any given months, things can change by five
(10:15):
to eight pounds right. In fact, my husband is movie
producer and he used to work with an actress who
would you know, go up and down by a few
pounds based on what time of the month it was
for her, and they would have to schedule the shots
around her menstrual cycle. And they just knew. They said,
what's your cycle so we can plan the close up,
so the body shots for these dates. Poor thing talked
(10:35):
about being objectified. So here's what you can really get
in a lot of trouble for for lying on dating apps,
lying by your age. We just want to know the truth, okay.
And what people will say is, well, I lied about
my age because I knew they were searching by age
and I was sixty one, and so I put fifty
(10:56):
nine because a lot of people stop it at sixty.
That But if that's true, then you need to put
it in one sentence of your profile. Say I've lied
about my age by two years, so you can find
me because I'm biologically younger than my age, I work
out whatever, whatever, whatever you have to put that out
there and let them make a decision if they want
(11:17):
to meet you. Don't wait until he me. I met
a guy once for a date, and I'm telling you
he was fit and good look in and seventy two
years old, but he put that he was sixty five
in his profile, and when I showed up, I didn't
even know because he kind of looked sixty five. But
then he thought, I'll be honest now, And on this
first date he told me that he'd lied by seven years,
(11:39):
and I just thought, what can I trust you ever
with ever again? Like, that's a big lie. So don't
lie about your age, and don't lie about your relationship
status or your income. Listen. I once went out on
a coffee date with a guy whose profile was filled
with him sitting on private jets, him at five star
hotels and his description read I love the fine life
(12:03):
or the fine living. And when I met him for coffee,
he literally had no money. That was all other people
paying And I was just like, why do you persent yourself?
I mean because he got the coffee date, I guess,
but didn't trust him after that. So the big question
is is it okay to lie in your intimate private relationship? Well,
a team from the University of Rochester group of psychologists
(12:27):
decided to explore this, and what they did is they
did a study with two hundred couples and they made
these couples have face to face conversations with their romantic
partners in a laboratory, and they looked at how they
expressed honesty, how the other person perceived if they were
being honest or not, how they could discern whether their
(12:49):
partner was being honest or not. And they were asked
to share so called relationship threatening information, right, because that's
the stuff we don't want to be honest about, the
stuff we have a little shame about, right. And so
what they found the answer is just tell the truth.
(13:09):
Most people value honesty and relationships, even if it's painful.
My saying always is, don't forget to give them the
gift of pain. Sometimes people need the truth they can
I always say this, I can handle any truth, but
don't lie to me. I cannot stand to be lied to. Right.
(13:30):
In the long run, the researchers found that the relationships
were more stable and more healthy when people were truthful
all the time. It predicted greater personal and relationship well
being for both partners, and it also made the partner
motivated to change in that moment, because the stuff we
(13:50):
don't want to tell our partner about if we love
them is honey, can you shower more often? No? I
mean like the stuff that you know we don't want
a few people to feel too bad about So the
other thing is if you perceive that your partner is
being honest with you, that is more solidifying to the relationship.
You're going to stay together longer if you can just trust.
(14:13):
Come on, it's trust. That's what it is, all right.
Speaking of lying sort of, there are these people out
there in relationships that the Internet likes to call gas lighters.
I'll explain with that is in a minute or the
history of it, but what it means is they turn
things around in conversations and arguments to make it seem
(14:35):
like they're not being bad, you're just perceiving things wrong,
and they make people second guess their own feelings. Well,
I've got some strategies for you or how you can
handle a gas lighter in your life. When we come back,
you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty Relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Well,
the Internet loves to talk about something called gas lighters.
So you may remember there was a movie, I think
it started as a play in the thirties, and there
was a movie in the forties called Gaslighter, and it was,
you know about this couple where I think the husband
wanted her money. She had the money, and so he
(15:25):
was taking the gas lights in the house and flickering
them and doing stuff and then saying, I don't know
what you're talking about. They're fine, and literally he drove
her insane by making her think that there was a
different reality than there was. So the term is being
used a lot to describe people who make you doubt yourself.
(15:46):
And if you think for a minute that you might
be with somebody who's gaslighting you, let me go over
some of the things that gas lighters say to make
you feel insecure about yourself. So one of the things
they'll do is they'll find this sly way of insulting you,
(16:09):
but then they back it up with a fake, fake
words about care, like I was just trying to help you, right.
So here's an example. Let's say you're like out at
a party or out to dinner with friends, and dude
may I say, dude, most gaslighters tend to be men.
How I just want to tell everybody right now that
(16:32):
an insecure woman in a relationship tries to manipulate the man,
usually by a number of ways. One is she either
feigns victimhood. I need you, I can't live without you.
You've got to care for me and all the drama
queen problems. Or she I used to do this, pretends
like she's the hottest thing in town and everybody else
is calling, and tries to make them feel jealous and envious,
(16:54):
leaves guy's phone, numbers around other guys and whatever, and
leaves the phone open. She can see that other people
trying to get her. That was my strategy back when
I was unhealthy. So that's what women will do, right
And then there are the really anxious, attached women who
have you on location services and they're like, where you're going,
who you've been with, what's happening? You know, they're asking
(17:15):
a million questions. Men, on the other hand, when they're
insecure in relationships, they are more activated to really control
the other person. And there are ways you can control somebody.
You can certainly do it through intimidation. We call that
domestic violence. Okay, but there's a subtle way because many
guys are really good at just psychological control. They know
(17:37):
that if a woman feels insecure, she's less likely to
leave them and head out into the mating marketplace. So
gaslighters tend to be narcissistic. But remember the underbelly of narcissistems.
Narcissism is self loathing, so they don't actually feel they're
worthy of you, so their way to keep you near
(17:58):
is to put you down, so they will say things.
They will insult you and then say things like I
was trying to help you. So imagine your say out
to dinner and you're eating and he says he makes
a comment like whoa slow down, or you're eating too
much or something, and then you question it and they say, look,
I just wanted to give you valuable feedback because there
(18:20):
were other people there and I know they can be
really judgy, and I didn't want them to judge you,
so I was just protecting you. I'm sorry, there's no
protection there, Okay, that's him trying to make you feel insecure.
So they say, I was just trying to help you.
You know I'm gonna be honest. One time, years and
years ago, when I was a young Philly, I met
(18:43):
a guy who was a hottie and he was on TV.
It was a hot actor and we had a great
little time and I met and went to meet him,
flew in it flew into some romantic place and the
first day he says to me, you know, I have
misgivings about you. Someone told me you've been passed around
the NBA. Okay, I should tell you that. Even then,
(19:04):
I had enough self esteem to figure out what was
going on here. So I said, it sounds like you're
feeling judged by your choice in dating me. In other words,
I put it back on him, sounds like your feeling judged.
And then I said I don't feel embarrassed about my
sexual experience. And that shut him up, all right. That
(19:24):
shot him up because don't know what to say. He
wanted to make me feel insecure, like what's your number?
Nonsense that they do to women, And just let me
stop and for a moment and talk about the sexual
double standard. Do you think, for a moment, there's a
small group of highly randy females who are servicing the
huge population of men out there who over report on
(19:45):
sexual surveys that they're having so much sex. And then
there's this other big group of women who cross their
legs and are very careful. No what there are are
peers having sex with peers at the same rates across
a life span. There aren't gender differences. They will just
stop it right there. All right. Here's another thing the
(20:06):
gas lighters will often say to try to control people.
They'll say, that's not the way I meant it, Like,
in other words, you're dumb and you misunderstood, so they're
making you try to second guess your emotional response. So
they might another way of saying that's not the way
I meant it is like you're being too sensitive, right,
(20:27):
or you're overreacting right, So it makes you go, am
I overreacting?
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Look?
Speaker 1 (20:34):
The other day I was reading this article in the
New York Times. There's a therapist who weighs in on
people's problems, and there was a heartbreaking letter to read.
The woman said something like, you know, I have such
anxious attachment issues and I have abandonment issues. Can you
please help me control them? I now just got married
to the nicest man and takes such good care of me.
But when we're a pickleball. There's this other woman that
(20:56):
they both have something in common with, so they go
and have quiet conversations alone and I'm not welcome, And
then he'll make comments about other women, like, oh she's
good looking, and look she didn't have a wedding ring on.
And she said, please help me control my anxiety, so
I don't ruin this relationship. Well, that therapist said the
smartest thing. She said, anxiety is a message. You're being
(21:18):
sent a message that this guy's not caring for you,
and it's not okay for him to be having private
lunches with other women and commenting other that makes you
feel bad. He's doing it to make you feel bad.
Along the same lines, a gas lighter will say you're overreacting,
you're overthinking this. So that's what I used to get
a lot because I'm smart. I just say, you know,
you're really overthinking this. And i'd say, you know, I
(21:41):
think you're underthinking this is what i'd say. Or they
say you're making a mountain of a molehill. You're acting
so insecure. Why are you making such a big deal
about something that's so small. That's how gaslighters talk, So
let me tell you how to handle it. Three part strategy.
Number one, you state your thing, like, hey, I didn't
(22:01):
like that you were having lunch with that woman at pickleball.
That didn't feel really good to me. He's going to say,
you're overthinking this, you making amountain out of well, you're
being too sensitive. You now step number one, repeat your statement.
You're not doing it just for him, You're doing it
for yourself to remind your own brain what your feelings are.
So all you do is repeat your statement, like I
(22:22):
didn't like the feeling when you were having un You
don't have to raise your voice anymore, you don't have
to be more emphatic. Just repeat it because this helps
program your brain. Second thing, acknowledge the gaslighter's feelings, not
yours theirs, like I did with that mister cutie boy actor.
(22:43):
I said, it sounds like you're feeling embarrassed by that.
So let's go back to the example of whoh, slow down,
you're eating too much. I'm just trying to help you.
I mean, people might judge you. So your first statement
is doesn't feel comfortable to have a guy talk to
me about my eating. You repeat it, doesn't feel comfortable.
You have a guy talk to me about my eating,
(23:03):
and next it sounds like you're worried about people's judgment.
Sounds like you're worried of a people's judgment, and finally
explain your reasoning for your hurt. Again, this is reminding
your own brain as not trying to change them. It
is reminding your own brain. So you're going to say
something like, you know, when I was little, my mom
used to, you know, always talk to me about my weight,
(23:25):
and so it's particularly hurtful to me when I hear
it from you. But what you're doing is telling yourself
so that you can continue to be sane in the
face of having a gas lighter around. Hey, when we
come back, sperm chases egg and not the reverse, and
plenty of other Doctor Wendy ISAMs, let me break them down.
(23:45):
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Show. Since going everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app, I've been thinking about relationships for years,
partly because I was trying to resolve and understand my
own attachment trauma. If you will, you know, when I
was growing up, I had a well, I thought, a
(24:19):
wonderful leave it to Beaver family. But even the best
parents can make mistakes. And because my dad was in
the navy and gone in a very inconsistent pattern, I
grew to have an attachment style where I was addicted
to longing more than addicted to love. I was more
worried about I love. My fingers are making quotation marks
(24:42):
when I say love. I loved relationships where the guy
was either emotionally avoidant or literally distant, long distance relationships
where I was pining away for a love that could
be right. And it was only after going to therapy,
spending many years learning about this, also having my own
kids and practicing healthy attachment with them, and eventually going
(25:06):
to graduate school. Because I was just so fascinated by
this that I put an intellectual lens on love, I
healed myself. You probably know I have a wonderful husband
now and a secure attachment for the first time in
my life. But I also, along the way, because I'm
an educator and communicator, have been blogging and talking and
(25:28):
writing books about this, and so along the way. It's
been a couple decades now, I've come up with some
doctor Wendy ISAMs. I didn't do it on purpose. It's
just things I found myself saying over and over again
because I want people to understand them. These are some
sayings that if you don't learn. In my opinion, if
(25:50):
you don't learn, you're not going to be able to
find a healthy relationship. And I do want to say
one caveat is that this these isms aren't necessarily intended
for you know, people who are sexual minorities, same sex relationships,
open relationships, polyamorous, whatever, whatever. It's really for heterosexual people.
(26:12):
And so number one, sperm chases egg, not the reverse.
At the most basic biological level, heterosexual men are wired
with more testosterone, and they should do the courting and
the chasing at the very beginning. That means, I don't
care if this woman makes ten times the amount of
(26:33):
money he does. She should not offer to pay anything
on a first date and maybe a second or a third.
The time I brought it up for my now husband
was about our fifth date, fifth expensive dinner, and I said, hey,
can we talk about how I can contribute here, and no,
I said, can we talk about what we should be
(26:55):
doing with these checks? That's what I said, And he said,
I know what we should be doing with these checks.
I pay and I love that. But a message was
sent and the next day was a big picnic that
I packed myself and paid for everything to just kind
of let them know that I want to contribute in
some way. And then eventually down the road we started
(27:17):
splitting things. But at the beginning, at the beginning, sperm
should be chasing that egg. All right, here's my second ism.
There is no such thing as a failed relationship. I
am here to pull you off the guilt train. What
there are our love lesson graduations. You graduated from that one. Woohoo,
(27:40):
you learn something. I'm so proud of you. Now, It's
only a problem if you date the same person over
and over and again, and I mean same kind of person.
They may wear different clothes and drive a different car,
but the relationship kind of feels the same, and you
haven't learned and you haven't grown right, But we all
learn through experience. And when I hear people say say, well,
(28:00):
well my first marriage failed, No, it didn't your first
marriage culminated and you learn something, and you grew and
you moved on. Okay, there is no such thing as
a failed relationship, all right. The third one, I know
you've heard me say this a trillion times. Whenuntil death
do us Part was evented, death was pretty imminent. Even
(28:23):
the most monogamous people can expect two or three long
stance of monogamy with some made selection in between. We
call that dating. It has to do with our very
long life expectancies. If you got married in the year
nineteen hundred and profess that you would stay together until
death do you part, the average length of that marriage
was twelve years. If you got married in nineteen ninety,
(28:45):
ninety years later and you stood up there and professed
you will stay together until death do us Part, the
average length of that marriage was twelve years. The difference
is what's ending it? Right, It was ending because of
disease pre vaccinations, and it was ending because of wars
and fights and of famine and whatever. Now it's ending
because of divorce. And I'm not saying every marriage only
(29:06):
last twelve years. I'm saying that's the average, right, Some
last twenty, some last five and so at the very beginning,
when people made up this whole idea of till death
do us part, death was imminent, then all right, here's
a big one. Men don't fall in love through sex, Ladies.
Listen up here. I know the strategy because I've tried
(29:29):
it and failed with it a trillion times. I can't
say a trillion. There'd be nothing left in my body
if it was a trillion. Okay, a hundred women think
I'm going to be the nice girl. Okay, I'm not
going to put pressure on him. I'm not going to
insist on sleeping over after sex. I'll just lease he's okay,
and I'll just give him great sex, and he'll see
that I'm the easy one. I'm not the crazy chick.
(29:50):
And eventually he's going to turn and say, you're the
one I want to marry because you're so easy. No
bitches get commitments. I just want to say that, all right. So,
men do not fall in love with sex through sex.
In fact, how they fall in love is through trust,
and sadly, they don't trust a woman who gives them
sex easily. I don't care if you try to say, doctor, Wendy,
(30:13):
you're out of touch. That's the nineteen fifties. No, this
is basic evolutionary psychology. Okay, this is in all the
textbooks out there. Men perceive women who give sex too
easily as women who might cheat on them, women who
might share their eggs with the team, and they might
end up supporting another guy's offspring. So there you go.
(30:36):
And finally, this is my favorite saying, all genders value
what they have to work for. Give somebody who's chasing
you the gift of getting to sacrifice for you, because
we all value something more when we have to work
hard for it or sacrifice for it. That means allowing
(30:58):
people to drive all the way across. I was talking
to a woman recently who said, well, you know, I
live in the valley and so when I have a
date on the west side, I try to meet halfway
or whatever. And I'm just like no. She actually said
that she was on a date halfway in Brentwood or something,
and afterwards she actually had taken an uber, maybe because
(31:19):
she was going to drink or something, and afterwards she
went to get in an uber and dude was like,
why didn't you let me come and pick you up
in the valley, And she goes, oh, I just thought
it was, you know, too much driving for one night.
And he looked at her and said, you are worth
driving for. And never let a man off easy that way,
make him drive for you. So, ladies, if you're listening,
(31:42):
I don't care if you live in Pasadena and he
lives in Laguna Beach. He can drive there to pick
you up if you feel safe getting his car and
you know him right. I owned a little stranger from
an app. But you know what I mean. So let
people sacrifice, because ladies, we sacrifice for them, don't we.
You know what we gotta do to get ready for
a date. I don't even want to get into the
(32:03):
beauty routine. The cost of the hair, the nails, the skincare,
the facial, the wardrobe, the waxing. It's crazy. Okay, we're
sacrificing for them. Let them sacrifice for us, all right,
when we come back. I am now answering your social
media DM. Send me a DM. The handle on Instagram
is at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at Dr Wendy Walsh.
(32:25):
Let me weigh in on your live live you're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six
forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us
live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine
pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio
app
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