Dr. Wendy is covering Long Term Love, Cohabitation, PLUS she is offering her Wendy wisdom with her driveby makeshift relationship advice and she discusses Workplace Burnout. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. If you're new to my show. I
have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist.
I'm a psychology professor. But I've written three books on
(00:22):
relationships and I am well. I am obsessed with the
science of love and what are the things I'm most
obsessed by? Are not the problems in relationships, although we
talk about breakups and stuff too, but long term love
right and so. On today's show, I want to talk
(00:43):
about how couples can keep love alive after decades. For
those of you who are thinking of moving in together,
I'm going to talk about how it could wreck your
romance if you do it the wrong way and the
wrong time. And let's talk a little bit about our
mental health in the workplace. Yes, did you know there
is a quiet crisis of burnout happening among young whiters
(01:08):
workers I'll get it out workers. Plus, did you know
that we are all free to access an absolutely free
tool to help us prevent depression and also at work
the hidden cost of rudeness. And I've got some news
on a digital detox that your brain has been begging for.
So let's get to the show. I want to start
(01:30):
off by talking about couples who are able to keep
love alive for decades. I've always wondered how some couples
stay emotionally and physically close after decades. But I want
to remind everybody that divorce is not failure. Whenever I
(01:50):
hear anybody talk about a failed relationship, I realize that
they believe the myth that the folklore so that somewhere
in early life, in your twenties, you meet somebody who
is your soul mate and you stay together until death
do us Part. And if it isn't that, anything less
(02:13):
than that is considered a relationship failure, when in fact,
that is the vast minority of relationships. And when till
Death do us Part was invented, death was pretty imminent.
You know, if you got married in the year nineteen
hundred and you stood up there at an altar and
you professed till death do us Part, The average length
(02:36):
of that marriage was twelve years. Fast forward ninety years.
If you got married in nineteen ninety and you got
up there and professed till death do us part, the
average length of that marriage was also twelve years. So
in one generation we were divorcing over death and disease
and famine and fights and whatever pre vaccines, and in
(02:56):
this generation, we're separating because of divorce. So because of
our very very new long life expectancies, even the most
monogamous of people may see two or three long stints
of monogamy in their lifespan, with some mate selection in between.
We call that dating. But let's talk about some of
(03:19):
these long stints of monogamy. Let's talk about lasting love
that spans decades. So here's the truth. When our bodies,
our bodies, our relationships are lasting long, but our bodies,
our needs, and our rhythms change, and that includes our
sex life. It's no secret if you've been in a
(03:40):
long term relationship that sexual frequency naturally declines with age.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, one study
that was published in Social and Psychological Personality and Science
found that couples who have sex drumerol please about once
a week report the highest levels of well being. But
(04:01):
if you have sex anymore, it's not associated with any
more relationship happiness, or lower divorce rate or anything else.
But as couples age, the frequency of sex may decline
even further than once a week. But it's important to
understand that it is about quality and it is about connection,
not about quantity. So as women reach menopause, their bodies change,
(04:25):
their hormones decline. You all should be going on hormone
replacement therapy. I'm not a physician. I'm just saying it
as a girlfriend, because it can protect your heart, it
can actually reduce rates of certain kinds of cancers, and
it can keep everything alive down there. Just saying talk
to your doctor. But you should also know on the
other side of the aisle that at the age of
(04:45):
forty forty percent of men experience a rectile dysfunction, at
fifty fifty percent, at sixty sixty percent, and at the
age of seventy you might as well just go the movies.
That's all I'm saying. But here's the good news. As
time goes by, many couples find that their sense of
intimacy deepens, even though the physical frequency slows down. So
(05:10):
let's talk about what intimacy means later in life. And
it's absolutely okay to have this kind of important physical intimacy,
holding hands, long hugs, maybe morning coffee rituals, evening check ins,
laughing together while cooking dinner or something right. These frequent
(05:34):
daily connections become the emotional glue that holds couples together.
Affectionate touch, cuddling, kissing, just lying clothes is as important
as sex as we get older, so make sure you
keep touching. Your body's dopamine when you keep touching. But
communication is another thing. The great thing about age is
(05:56):
we get better at just talking openly, just saying it right.
So this can build trust when you actually know what's
going on.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Right.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
So you guys are sticking it out. I'm proud of you.
You don't have to culminate your relationship, but you do
have to focus on how you can stay intimate with
or without sex, right physical intimacy. You know, many thriving
couples grow together, they travel, they volunteer, they try new things.
(06:29):
They're still very romantic. I've read some research ones that
said that one healthy trait of many long term married
couples is they spend a lot of time in nostalgia,
meaning they say, oh, honey, you remember our first date
when we went here. Oh honey, remember when we went there,
And they go through their memories, their little catalog of
(06:51):
romantic memories together. You know. When the Palisade fire happened,
obviously my heart went out. Too many many people who
lost their home homes. But the only real personal loss
for me was that during COVID, Julio and I were
according and falling in love, and we were doing it
mostly outdoors and picnics, and I packed a lot of picnics,
(07:13):
and we often went to Will Rogers Park in the Palisades.
We would hike a little bit. There's a big open
grassy area we could have picnics. We would tour the house.
And now I haven't been up there, but I heard
the entire Will Rogers house has burned down and the
park is not there, and ugh, so there goes our
nostalgia right going back there when we needed to to
(07:34):
remember those days. Look, the couples who last are the
ones who evolve with it. So my best advice is,
stay curious, stay affectionate. Most of all, please be kind
to each other. All right. At the other end, let's
talk about perhaps younger couples who may be thinking about
(07:56):
moving in together. Let me tell you if your chances
are that it's going to work out. When we come back,
you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay,
I have been everything in life. I have been a girlfriend,
i have been a live in lover. I've been a
married woman, a divorced woman, a mistress, and a single mother. Okay,
I've been every form of relationship that's ever been. And
(08:40):
here's the thing. I read a lot about people who
choose to live together instead of getting married. And their
reasoning is often because they're young and there most of
them are children of divorce, their parents divorce. Is they
think that it can prevent divorce, right. They think that
it will be the thing that auditions the relationship and
if they get every down that they can get married.
(09:02):
I mean moving in together is a huge decision, huge decision,
and I'm not talking about just you know, how to
mix and match your stuff together and the questions of
are we building a future, are we saving money? This
kind of big right. So, research says you're sitting down
if you're thinking of moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
(09:24):
Sit down. Research says there's only one statistically solid reason
to move in together, and that's when you're engaged and
preparing for marriage, like saving money for the wedding or
down payment on a house. Cohabitating as a kind of
relationship test drive sounds real practical, doesn't it, But it
actually increases your odds of breaking up because it eats
(09:46):
up the passion years. It delays the decision to commit,
and if you're scared of divorce, you will choose to
avoid rather than just jumping in there. It is people
that are most commitment fearful who put just one toe
in right. Those that are not afraid of marriage or
not afraid of making a commitment are going to dive
(10:07):
in there and do it right. Studies from the National
Marriage Project have shown that couples who slide into living
together rather than decide to commit, have a significantly higher
chance of splitting up. So before you sign a lease together,
ask yourself, are we doing this out of love and
(10:28):
planning a future together or are we doing it just
because it's convenient or we're afraid of divorce. That's the
big question. So here's some advice for you. If you
do choose, or maybe you've just recently moved in together,
don't become roommates with benefits. Please. Once you're in the
same space, it's so easy to slide into laundry, grocery, sleep, repeat,
(10:50):
and romance gets replaced by scheduling and logistic So I
do recommend that you still do date nights. I know
it doesn't sound romantic, but you got to do a
sex schedule. Research shows a couple couples who do maintain
physical intimacy, especially when you're young, and regularly express gratitude,
have higher relationship satisfaction. And it's the little things. Listen,
(11:14):
Julio loves to do the dishes. Although I'm gonna say
I don't know if he's listening to the show right now,
but last few nights he hasn't been doing the bots
and bands. They're sitting in the SNK for me in
the morning. I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm
gonna have to ask him about this, But in general,
he loves to do the dishes. I have tried to help,
but he usually tells me I'm doing it wrong. So
(11:35):
I make sure I show appreciation. Maybe that's the thing.
Maybe I haven't said thank you enough lately. That could
be yet I got to reward him for that. And also,
let's talk about where you're gonna live. So this can
be really tricky because one person might already own a home,
the other might be coming from a lease. Be careful.
(11:55):
You don't want one partner to feel like a guest
in the other space, because that's what power dynamics really shift.
I know one couple who actually chose to uh he
paid more in rent, and then he decided because he
was paying more in rent because he made more money,
that he should get more closet space, and she felt
(12:16):
like a second class citizen. So this is not You
got to talk about all these little things before you
move in together. And just know you're gonna have some
decorating battles. Just saying if one of you loves minimalist
and the other still wants every sports trophy from your
childhood in full display. You're gonna have a problem, all right.
I will tell you. I'm really lucky because Hulu and
(12:38):
I both like things clean and neat and fairly minimalist.
He's a little bit more with stuff on the walls
than I am. But he always says, oh, you know,
like the English do, how they pack a wall with
all kinds of frames of things. I'm like, no, that's clutter, No, that'sharting. No,
I can't. And he loves rugs. You know, he's half Armenian,
(12:58):
so they have the little rugs everywhere, small rugs. I'm like, no,
nice clean, empty floors, you can clean. So here's how
I try to convince him. I tell him that bugs
grow in those rugs, so unless he's cleaning them regularly,
mm mmmmm. So anyway, it's gonna take some time. You're
gonna have to negotiate to work through some of these things,
and the same with chores and logistics. You've got to communicate.
(13:22):
You can't expect that each person can automatically know each
other's ideas about gender roles, for instance, You've got to
talk about it. I want to remind you if you're
planning on moving in together that a relationship is like
a ven diagram two circles. Each circle represents one partner,
and in a ven diagram they overlap. The overlap portion
(13:44):
is the relationship. But you can't have a healthy relationships
that's two overlapped or two separate. If it's two separate,
you got like happy roommates living in the house. If
it's too overlapped, you have an enmeshed relationship where nobody
can remember whose problem is who's right. So you need
to have some independence, hobbies, friends, growth energy for you
(14:07):
to bring back to the relationship the center of it all.
The biggest things that break up couples, whether you're married
or moving in together, tend to be conflict resolution, and
so if you don't know how to have conflict resolution
between the two of you, I highly suggest seeing a
couple's a licensed couples therapist before you move in together
(14:30):
so you can work on that. And also money, you
know the psychology of money. You have to talk about
it now. Money managers often recommend that you just split
up the bills proportionally, so for example, if one partner
makes say one hundred thousand dollars a year and the
other makes fifty thousand. The higher earner just pays more
(14:51):
and period like that's it. Oh and you don't get
to subtract like debts that you brought into the relationship first,
because that's on you. That's your personal journey, that's not
the couple's expect expense. Look, moving in together should be
an important milestone for your relationship, not a convenience, not
(15:15):
a shortcut. I suggest you do it with intention, talk
about it honestly, make space for romance. And remember living
together won't magically fix any problems. In fact, sometimes it
will magnify them. So going to a therapist before you
move in together it's probably a great idea. All right.
(15:36):
When we come back, I am going to my social
media to answer some questions. You're listening to the Doctor
Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Back to the Dr Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeart Radio app. Reminder,
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I'm
a woman of a certain age, and I've had some
life experience and I love sharing my wisdom with you.
I've got some Auntie advice for you if you want
to send me a direct message on Instagram. The handle
(16:18):
is at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. Producer
Kayla checks them regularly. I thought I would just go
to social media this week and answer some of your
questions as best I can. Reminder, I have written three
books on relationships, and I wrote my dissertation on attachment theory.
I know a thing or two about the science of love,
(16:38):
and I love to share my wisdom with you. All right,
First stop, Hey, doctor Wendy. I have been with my
boyfriend for two years and he doesn't talk to me
about work stresses. He just becomes distant. How can I
connect with him during tough times? All right, So couples
have lots of different ways of communicating. It sounds to
(16:59):
me like he gets more quiet and he's been conditioned
to kind of work things out inside. Maybe you're feeling
a little abandoned by this distantness, and maybe your style
when you have stress is to share it with words
with him. So the best idea is always to comment
(17:24):
on the dynamic just and also express what the experience
is to you, rather than telling someone how they should
behave So, for instance, I do want to say this.
If somebody is under stress and they're not saying a lot,
sometimes words aren't necessary. Sometimes physical touch sometimes just literally
(17:47):
a stroke on the arm, a hug, a kiss, just
being close together and not forcing them to talk can
be very, very helpful. But if you want to comment
on it, the way to do it is to simply say,
it feels like you're under a lot of stress at work.
Maybe they've mentioned it, so you might say, I know
(18:07):
you told me you're under a lot of stress at work.
I want you to know I'm here for you if
you want to talk about it, but I also respect
if you need to keep it inside. I want to
let you know what my experience of this is. Though
it does feel that you're getting a little bit distant
from me and that doesn't feel good for me. Is
(18:29):
there a way we could find a middle ground again?
Communication sandwich begin with a layer of love and a
layer of something hard to chew on, and then back
up with another layer of love. Is there a way
we can find common ground here? Because I love you
and I want to continue to feel close to you.
That's the language, Not like you don't want to say.
How come you never tell me when you have problems?
(18:50):
How come I don't even get to know what's going
on at work? You say you have stress, but you
don't even talk about it. No one's going to open
up if they hear that, Okay, So you just want
to talk about what you see, what you're observing, and
what your experience is of it. You're not going to
try to change them or make them do anything. That's
just your experience, all right, Moving on, If you'd like
(19:12):
to send me a direct message on Instagram, it's at
doctor Wendy Walsh. Hi, doctor Wendy. My girlfriend never compliments
me or says anything affectionate unless I say it first.
Am I being too needy? Or is that a sign
she's not into me emotionally? So these are really great
opportunities to get to know each other better. And don't assume,
(19:36):
you know, I always say, never assume, just get more information.
So my suspicion is that in her family of origin,
this was the way. Maybe the express love in different ways.
And it's not necessarily that you're being too needy. There's
no such thing as too needy. You have your needs,
that's it, okay, But maybe you haven't expressed to her
(20:00):
about the needs. So again, just like with the last
direct message, I'm going to say, you begin by saying
the things you've observed, and then you talk about the
feelings you have as a result of it, and then
you might end with a question like how could we fit?
How is my favorite word to say when anybody is
in conflict or talking about something really sensitive. How can
(20:23):
we solve this? We is my second favorite word. How
can we solve this? Because now you've taken the problem
from the emotional centers of your brain, pushed it to
the prefrontal cortex, and it now becomes a math problem
to solve. How How can we? Oh, it's a shared problem.
We we're going to solve this together. We're a team, right,
How can we solve this? It's my favorite sentence to say.
(20:47):
I say it to Julio all the time. Well not
all the time, but whenever we have conflict. All right,
so my girlfriend never compliments it, says, I fear So
you might say something like I love you or I
think you're beautiful, and then she says, oh, thank you whatever,
And then you're gonna say, I notice that I always
(21:07):
give compliments first, or express love first. I'm happy to
do that because these are real feelings. But I'm wondering
why you never say it first. Is there some reason
why you've learned to express love that way? Something like that?
You just want to, like, just ask questions, right, just
(21:28):
to ask questions?
Speaker 2 (21:29):
All right?
Speaker 1 (21:30):
Moving on? Uh oh, here's a good one. I get
this a lot, Dear doctor Wendy. My boyfriend still follows
his ex on social media and he likes her posts,
but he says they're just cool now. Should I be
worried or let it go? Here's another case where I
need more information. Is this an X from ten years
ago or an X from six months ago? And what
(21:50):
does just cool now mean to him? Right? I think
it's perfectly okay to say I don't want you to
follow her and I don't like you liking her things. No, no, no,
no no. You can have boundaries about that. You see.
Remember a few weeks ago, we had the guy from
the Love Factually podcast that relationship researcher. And one of
the things he said, which I thought was so interesting,
(22:11):
is he said, I've always said that relationships are a
bridge between tribes, right the two families. But he always says,
there's always a third or fourth person in every relationship.
It could be, you know, an adult child, it could
be another family member, could be a best friend, it
could be an ex, and you have to think about
what that means to the relationship. Right. So yeah, I
(22:35):
think it's perfectly acceptable if you feel threatened maybe it's
a recent relationship to just say, hey, I don't want
you to follow her and I don't like you like
inner pictures. And if he has a problem with that,
that means he's keeping her as a backup mate. Sorry,
I'm just saying it. That's the truth that we all
have backup mates. They say they're good for our mental health,
(22:56):
but if it's threatening your relationship, it's not healthy and
it's not safe. Hey, if you want to send me
a DM with a relationship question, I'm going to be
happy to weigh in on your love life. The handle
is at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram. You're listening to
the doctor Wendy Walsh show on KFI AM six forty
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
We come back to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
KFI AM six ft five everywhere on the iHeart Radio.
You know, our work life is not only a sense
of identity. When people meet you and you're a stranger,
they say, what do you do? Who are you? Right?
It's somehow a part of our identity, but it's also
(23:42):
a place where we spend a great deal of our time,
at least eight hours a day, if not more, and
for many people, more hours than they sleep. And it's
a place that can have a huge impact on people's
mental health. I was learning a few things about jen
(24:02):
Where are we're at now, X y Z whatever? Down
there people in their twenties, and I've learned they don't
like to own things. They don't like to own furniture.
They rent apartments, they rent furnitures, they don't like long
term leases. They're a mobile group that moves around. There
was an interesting article I read this thing. They also
don't like to hold tabs at a bar. They don't
(24:24):
even know where they're going to be for their next drink. Okay,
but we do know that in order to have a
healthy career, you have to have a resume that is
either you know, shows consistency, like you stay at a
place for a while but not too much. If you
stay at your first job out of college for like
ten years, people are like, why didn't you move? Right?
(24:45):
Two or three years at each job helps you move
up the ladder, because even though you think you're going
to get noticed and they're going to promote you from within,
it never happens. They take a shiny penny from somebody
else's workplace and bring them over. Right. Now, here's another
thing that young people are experiencing that used to only
(25:05):
be associated with older workers, workplace burnout. Right, We usually
think of people that have just been in the same
dead end job for decades, but now young people are
reporting that they are feeling burnt out in their jobs.
In fact, according to a new study by the recruitment
(25:27):
firm Read, eighty five percent of workers have experienced symptoms
of burnout and exhaustion caused by job related stress, and
nearly half about forty seven percent, have had to take
time off for their mental health. Now, the shocking part
is that it's hitting youngest employees the hardest. So let's
(25:51):
talk about what this is. Right, Ninety one percent of
workers aged eighteen to twenty four and an even higher
percentage ninety four four percent of people aged twenty five
to thirty four report symptoms of burnout that include fatigue, headaches,
emotional exhaustion. That's almost every worker, right, So what does
(26:12):
workplace burnout really look like? Well, they dread Monday mornings.
They love Fridays, those sick calls on Monday. On Friday,
they feel emotionally drained by noon and it's only Tuesday.
They stop caring about quality of work or deadlines. They
catch more cold or migraines because the immune system is
(26:34):
suppressed because of stress. They're not fun to be around.
They start snapping at their coworkers or isolating themselves. They
find themselves fantasizing about quitting their job, but they have
no plan, right, They just want to escape the pressure.
So what's going on? Well, younger employees are entering the
workforce with very high expectations and high pressure. They are
(27:00):
juggling student debt, they are facing an insecure job market.
The other thing is there are these constant tech interruptions, right,
and sometimes a really toxic hustle culture. So it used
to be that so our brain does really well when
we compartmentalize. Hey, compartments can be used negatively too. People
(27:23):
go off and have affairs on the person they're married to.
That's another compartment. No, But in general, when we're focusing
on one thing, if we're at school, at work with
our family, our minds should only be there. But if
you're getting texts from your boss on the weekends and
the evenings, or you're at work and you're getting relationship
drama text into you, this is when we get a
(27:45):
kind of weird flooding all the compartment The gates the
compartments open in our mind and we feel overwhelmed and stressed. Now,
back in the day, when you went to work, you
didn't have your own cell phone, you didn't have your
social media, just focused on the work and when you
were at work, you were just your brain was in
one place, right, So now they're being spread around. Right,
(28:09):
then we're going to add this still lingering stigma around
mental health. Right, this can create a perfect storm. One
in ten workers who took time off for mental health
last year, didn't feel safe saying so, and twenty six
percent of workers who needed time off for mental health
(28:30):
didn't take it because they were worried about the stigma.
They didn't want to be judged. Right. I think workplaces
are getting better about it. So let's talk a little bit.
If you're experiencing workplace burnout, or maybe you have a
young adult child who is here are some research backed
steps that might be able to help you. Number one,
(28:51):
as I talked about, set very clear boundaries between work
and personal time. That means, don't answer those emails and
calls after hours, no work chats in your bed when
you're at work, keep the personal stuff to your lunch hour.
Try to create safe compartments for your brain. Number two,
prioritize rest and sleep. You know, everything can wait till tomorrow.
(29:12):
When I was working in years and years ago, I
was doing a show for HBO and I had to
produce these segments, and there were deadlines, and I was
in the EDA bay and there was a lot of
writing and shooting and editing, and I was rushing to
hit a deadline. We had an assignment editor who was
so cool. He used to just say, hey, we're not
here in cancer. Here folks don't stress. And I love
(29:33):
to hear that because I was a young, nervous Nillie
worker who wanted to get everything done, build social support.
Workplaces are not happy places. If you're lonely, you have
to make friends at your workplace, So it's a I mean,
they don't have to be intimate friends, but you got
to know who's got your back if something goes down, right,
(29:55):
and also get some professional help if you need it right.
And maybe all this burnout is is just a messenger
like every other emotion, and it's time to reassess your goals,
your work values. And maybe you're not just tired. You
need a change, you need a big change. So maybe
(30:17):
it's that young people are catching on earlier, just listening
to their feelings.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Right.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
So I just want to close by saying taking care
of your mental health isn't a weakness, it is being wise. Now.
I mentioned earlier that sometimes when people are experiencing burnout
they get a little bit snappy and short at work.
Let's talk about and some people do it. They're not
even experiencing burnout, they're just rude. Let's talk about the
(30:46):
high cost of rudeness at work when we come back.
You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI
AM six forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. I always hear
us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
(31:06):
iHeartRadio app.
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. If you're new to my show. I
have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist.
I'm a psychology professor. But I've written three books on
(00:22):
relationships and I am well. I am obsessed with the
science of love and what are the things I'm most
obsessed by? Are not the problems in relationships, although we
talk about breakups and stuff too, but long term love
right and so. On today's show, I want to talk
(00:43):
about how couples can keep love alive after decades. For
those of you who are thinking of moving in together,
I'm going to talk about how it could wreck your
romance if you do it the wrong way and the
wrong time. And let's talk a little bit about our
mental health in the workplace. Yes, did you know there
is a quiet crisis of burnout happening among young whiters
(01:08):
workers I'll get it out workers. Plus, did you know
that we are all free to access an absolutely free
tool to help us prevent depression and also at work
the hidden cost of rudeness. And I've got some news
on a digital detox that your brain has been begging for.
So let's get to the show. I want to start
(01:30):
off by talking about couples who are able to keep
love alive for decades. I've always wondered how some couples
stay emotionally and physically close after decades. But I want
to remind everybody that divorce is not failure. Whenever I
(01:50):
hear anybody talk about a failed relationship, I realize that
they believe the myth that the folklore so that somewhere
in early life, in your twenties, you meet somebody who
is your soul mate and you stay together until death
do us Part. And if it isn't that, anything less
(02:13):
than that is considered a relationship failure, when in fact,
that is the vast minority of relationships. And when till
Death do us Part was invented, death was pretty imminent.
You know, if you got married in the year nineteen
hundred and you stood up there at an altar and
you professed till death do us Part, The average length
(02:36):
of that marriage was twelve years. Fast forward ninety years.
If you got married in nineteen ninety and you got
up there and professed till death do us part, the
average length of that marriage was also twelve years. So
in one generation we were divorcing over death and disease
and famine and fights and whatever pre vaccines, and in
(02:56):
this generation, we're separating because of divorce. So because of
our very very new long life expectancies, even the most
monogamous of people may see two or three long stints
of monogamy in their lifespan, with some mate selection in between.
We call that dating. But let's talk about some of
(03:19):
these long stints of monogamy. Let's talk about lasting love
that spans decades. So here's the truth. When our bodies,
our bodies, our relationships are lasting long, but our bodies,
our needs, and our rhythms change, and that includes our
sex life. It's no secret if you've been in a
(03:40):
long term relationship that sexual frequency naturally declines with age.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, one study
that was published in Social and Psychological Personality and Science
found that couples who have sex drumerol please about once
a week report the highest levels of well being. But
(04:01):
if you have sex anymore, it's not associated with any
more relationship happiness, or lower divorce rate or anything else.
But as couples age, the frequency of sex may decline
even further than once a week. But it's important to
understand that it is about quality and it is about connection,
not about quantity. So as women reach menopause, their bodies change,
(04:25):
their hormones decline. You all should be going on hormone
replacement therapy. I'm not a physician. I'm just saying it
as a girlfriend, because it can protect your heart, it
can actually reduce rates of certain kinds of cancers, and
it can keep everything alive down there. Just saying talk
to your doctor. But you should also know on the
other side of the aisle that at the age of
(04:45):
forty forty percent of men experience a rectile dysfunction, at
fifty fifty percent, at sixty sixty percent, and at the
age of seventy you might as well just go the movies.
That's all I'm saying. But here's the good news. As
time goes by, many couples find that their sense of
intimacy deepens, even though the physical frequency slows down. So
(05:10):
let's talk about what intimacy means later in life. And
it's absolutely okay to have this kind of important physical intimacy,
holding hands, long hugs, maybe morning coffee rituals, evening check ins,
laughing together while cooking dinner or something right. These frequent
(05:34):
daily connections become the emotional glue that holds couples together.
Affectionate touch, cuddling, kissing, just lying clothes is as important
as sex as we get older, so make sure you
keep touching. Your body's dopamine when you keep touching. But
communication is another thing. The great thing about age is
(05:56):
we get better at just talking openly, just saying it right.
So this can build trust when you actually know what's
going on.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Right.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
So you guys are sticking it out. I'm proud of you.
You don't have to culminate your relationship, but you do
have to focus on how you can stay intimate with
or without sex, right physical intimacy. You know, many thriving
couples grow together, they travel, they volunteer, they try new things.
(06:29):
They're still very romantic. I've read some research ones that
said that one healthy trait of many long term married
couples is they spend a lot of time in nostalgia,
meaning they say, oh, honey, you remember our first date
when we went here. Oh honey, remember when we went there,
And they go through their memories, their little catalog of
(06:51):
romantic memories together. You know. When the Palisade fire happened,
obviously my heart went out. Too many many people who
lost their home homes. But the only real personal loss
for me was that during COVID, Julio and I were
according and falling in love, and we were doing it
mostly outdoors and picnics, and I packed a lot of picnics,
(07:13):
and we often went to Will Rogers Park in the Palisades.
We would hike a little bit. There's a big open
grassy area we could have picnics. We would tour the house.
And now I haven't been up there, but I heard
the entire Will Rogers house has burned down and the
park is not there, and ugh, so there goes our
nostalgia right going back there when we needed to to
(07:34):
remember those days. Look, the couples who last are the
ones who evolve with it. So my best advice is,
stay curious, stay affectionate. Most of all, please be kind
to each other. All right. At the other end, let's
talk about perhaps younger couples who may be thinking about
(07:56):
moving in together. Let me tell you if your chances
are that it's going to work out. When we come back,
you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay,
I have been everything in life. I have been a girlfriend,
i have been a live in lover. I've been a
married woman, a divorced woman, a mistress, and a single mother. Okay,
I've been every form of relationship that's ever been. And
(08:40):
here's the thing. I read a lot about people who
choose to live together instead of getting married. And their
reasoning is often because they're young and there most of
them are children of divorce, their parents divorce. Is they
think that it can prevent divorce, right. They think that
it will be the thing that auditions the relationship and
if they get every down that they can get married.
(09:02):
I mean moving in together is a huge decision, huge decision,
and I'm not talking about just you know, how to
mix and match your stuff together and the questions of
are we building a future, are we saving money? This
kind of big right. So, research says you're sitting down
if you're thinking of moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
(09:24):
Sit down. Research says there's only one statistically solid reason
to move in together, and that's when you're engaged and
preparing for marriage, like saving money for the wedding or
down payment on a house. Cohabitating as a kind of
relationship test drive sounds real practical, doesn't it, But it
actually increases your odds of breaking up because it eats
(09:46):
up the passion years. It delays the decision to commit,
and if you're scared of divorce, you will choose to
avoid rather than just jumping in there. It is people
that are most commitment fearful who put just one toe
in right. Those that are not afraid of marriage or
not afraid of making a commitment are going to dive
(10:07):
in there and do it right. Studies from the National
Marriage Project have shown that couples who slide into living
together rather than decide to commit, have a significantly higher
chance of splitting up. So before you sign a lease together,
ask yourself, are we doing this out of love and
(10:28):
planning a future together or are we doing it just
because it's convenient or we're afraid of divorce. That's the
big question. So here's some advice for you. If you
do choose, or maybe you've just recently moved in together,
don't become roommates with benefits. Please. Once you're in the
same space, it's so easy to slide into laundry, grocery, sleep, repeat,
(10:50):
and romance gets replaced by scheduling and logistic So I
do recommend that you still do date nights. I know
it doesn't sound romantic, but you got to do a
sex schedule. Research shows a couple couples who do maintain
physical intimacy, especially when you're young, and regularly express gratitude,
have higher relationship satisfaction. And it's the little things. Listen,
(11:14):
Julio loves to do the dishes. Although I'm gonna say
I don't know if he's listening to the show right now,
but last few nights he hasn't been doing the bots
and bands. They're sitting in the SNK for me in
the morning. I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm
gonna have to ask him about this, But in general,
he loves to do the dishes. I have tried to help,
but he usually tells me I'm doing it wrong. So
(11:35):
I make sure I show appreciation. Maybe that's the thing.
Maybe I haven't said thank you enough lately. That could
be yet I got to reward him for that. And also,
let's talk about where you're gonna live. So this can
be really tricky because one person might already own a home,
the other might be coming from a lease. Be careful.
(11:55):
You don't want one partner to feel like a guest
in the other space, because that's what power dynamics really shift.
I know one couple who actually chose to uh he
paid more in rent, and then he decided because he
was paying more in rent because he made more money,
that he should get more closet space, and she felt
(12:16):
like a second class citizen. So this is not You
got to talk about all these little things before you
move in together. And just know you're gonna have some
decorating battles. Just saying if one of you loves minimalist
and the other still wants every sports trophy from your
childhood in full display. You're gonna have a problem, all right.
I will tell you. I'm really lucky because Hulu and
(12:38):
I both like things clean and neat and fairly minimalist.
He's a little bit more with stuff on the walls
than I am. But he always says, oh, you know,
like the English do, how they pack a wall with
all kinds of frames of things. I'm like, no, that's clutter, No, that'sharting. No,
I can't. And he loves rugs. You know, he's half Armenian,
(12:58):
so they have the little rugs everywhere, small rugs. I'm like, no,
nice clean, empty floors, you can clean. So here's how
I try to convince him. I tell him that bugs
grow in those rugs, so unless he's cleaning them regularly,
mm mmmmm. So anyway, it's gonna take some time. You're
gonna have to negotiate to work through some of these things,
and the same with chores and logistics. You've got to communicate.
(13:22):
You can't expect that each person can automatically know each
other's ideas about gender roles, for instance, You've got to
talk about it. I want to remind you if you're
planning on moving in together that a relationship is like
a ven diagram two circles. Each circle represents one partner,
and in a ven diagram they overlap. The overlap portion
(13:44):
is the relationship. But you can't have a healthy relationships
that's two overlapped or two separate. If it's two separate,
you got like happy roommates living in the house. If
it's too overlapped, you have an enmeshed relationship where nobody
can remember whose problem is who's right. So you need
to have some independence, hobbies, friends, growth energy for you
(14:07):
to bring back to the relationship the center of it all.
The biggest things that break up couples, whether you're married
or moving in together, tend to be conflict resolution, and
so if you don't know how to have conflict resolution
between the two of you, I highly suggest seeing a
couple's a licensed couples therapist before you move in together
(14:30):
so you can work on that. And also money, you
know the psychology of money. You have to talk about
it now. Money managers often recommend that you just split
up the bills proportionally, so for example, if one partner
makes say one hundred thousand dollars a year and the
other makes fifty thousand. The higher earner just pays more
(14:51):
and period like that's it. Oh and you don't get
to subtract like debts that you brought into the relationship first,
because that's on you. That's your personal journey, that's not
the couple's expect expense. Look, moving in together should be
an important milestone for your relationship, not a convenience, not
(15:15):
a shortcut. I suggest you do it with intention, talk
about it honestly, make space for romance. And remember living
together won't magically fix any problems. In fact, sometimes it
will magnify them. So going to a therapist before you
move in together it's probably a great idea. All right.
(15:36):
When we come back, I am going to my social
media to answer some questions. You're listening to the Doctor
Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Back to the Dr Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeart Radio app. Reminder,
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I'm
a woman of a certain age, and I've had some
life experience and I love sharing my wisdom with you.
I've got some Auntie advice for you if you want
to send me a direct message on Instagram. The handle
(16:18):
is at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. Producer
Kayla checks them regularly. I thought I would just go
to social media this week and answer some of your
questions as best I can. Reminder, I have written three
books on relationships, and I wrote my dissertation on attachment theory.
I know a thing or two about the science of love,
(16:38):
and I love to share my wisdom with you. All right,
First stop, Hey, doctor Wendy. I have been with my
boyfriend for two years and he doesn't talk to me
about work stresses. He just becomes distant. How can I
connect with him during tough times? All right, So couples
have lots of different ways of communicating. It sounds to
(16:59):
me like he gets more quiet and he's been conditioned
to kind of work things out inside. Maybe you're feeling
a little abandoned by this distantness, and maybe your style
when you have stress is to share it with words
with him. So the best idea is always to comment
(17:24):
on the dynamic just and also express what the experience
is to you, rather than telling someone how they should
behave So, for instance, I do want to say this.
If somebody is under stress and they're not saying a lot,
sometimes words aren't necessary. Sometimes physical touch sometimes just literally
(17:47):
a stroke on the arm, a hug, a kiss, just
being close together and not forcing them to talk can
be very, very helpful. But if you want to comment
on it, the way to do it is to simply say,
it feels like you're under a lot of stress at work.
Maybe they've mentioned it, so you might say, I know
(18:07):
you told me you're under a lot of stress at work.
I want you to know I'm here for you if
you want to talk about it, but I also respect
if you need to keep it inside. I want to
let you know what my experience of this is. Though
it does feel that you're getting a little bit distant
from me and that doesn't feel good for me. Is
(18:29):
there a way we could find a middle ground again?
Communication sandwich begin with a layer of love and a
layer of something hard to chew on, and then back
up with another layer of love. Is there a way
we can find common ground here? Because I love you
and I want to continue to feel close to you.
That's the language, Not like you don't want to say.
How come you never tell me when you have problems?
(18:50):
How come I don't even get to know what's going
on at work? You say you have stress, but you
don't even talk about it. No one's going to open
up if they hear that, Okay, So you just want
to talk about what you see, what you're observing, and
what your experience is of it. You're not going to
try to change them or make them do anything. That's
just your experience, all right, Moving on, If you'd like
(19:12):
to send me a direct message on Instagram, it's at
doctor Wendy Walsh. Hi, doctor Wendy. My girlfriend never compliments
me or says anything affectionate unless I say it first.
Am I being too needy? Or is that a sign
she's not into me emotionally? So these are really great
opportunities to get to know each other better. And don't assume,
(19:36):
you know, I always say, never assume, just get more information.
So my suspicion is that in her family of origin,
this was the way. Maybe the express love in different ways.
And it's not necessarily that you're being too needy. There's
no such thing as too needy. You have your needs,
that's it, okay, But maybe you haven't expressed to her
(20:00):
about the needs. So again, just like with the last
direct message, I'm going to say, you begin by saying
the things you've observed, and then you talk about the
feelings you have as a result of it, and then
you might end with a question like how could we fit?
How is my favorite word to say when anybody is
in conflict or talking about something really sensitive. How can
(20:23):
we solve this? We is my second favorite word. How
can we solve this? Because now you've taken the problem
from the emotional centers of your brain, pushed it to
the prefrontal cortex, and it now becomes a math problem
to solve. How How can we? Oh, it's a shared problem.
We we're going to solve this together. We're a team, right,
How can we solve this? It's my favorite sentence to say.
(20:47):
I say it to Julio all the time. Well not
all the time, but whenever we have conflict. All right,
so my girlfriend never compliments it, says, I fear So
you might say something like I love you or I
think you're beautiful, and then she says, oh, thank you whatever,
And then you're gonna say, I notice that I always
(21:07):
give compliments first, or express love first. I'm happy to
do that because these are real feelings. But I'm wondering
why you never say it first. Is there some reason
why you've learned to express love that way? Something like that?
You just want to, like, just ask questions, right, just
(21:28):
to ask questions?
Speaker 2 (21:29):
All right?
Speaker 1 (21:30):
Moving on? Uh oh, here's a good one. I get
this a lot, Dear doctor Wendy. My boyfriend still follows
his ex on social media and he likes her posts,
but he says they're just cool now. Should I be
worried or let it go? Here's another case where I
need more information. Is this an X from ten years
ago or an X from six months ago? And what
(21:50):
does just cool now mean to him? Right? I think
it's perfectly okay to say I don't want you to
follow her and I don't like you liking her things. No, no, no,
no no. You can have boundaries about that. You see.
Remember a few weeks ago, we had the guy from
the Love Factually podcast that relationship researcher. And one of
the things he said, which I thought was so interesting,
(22:11):
is he said, I've always said that relationships are a
bridge between tribes, right the two families. But he always says,
there's always a third or fourth person in every relationship.
It could be, you know, an adult child, it could
be another family member, could be a best friend, it
could be an ex, and you have to think about
what that means to the relationship. Right. So yeah, I
(22:35):
think it's perfectly acceptable if you feel threatened maybe it's
a recent relationship to just say, hey, I don't want
you to follow her and I don't like you like
inner pictures. And if he has a problem with that,
that means he's keeping her as a backup mate. Sorry,
I'm just saying it. That's the truth that we all
have backup mates. They say they're good for our mental health,
(22:56):
but if it's threatening your relationship, it's not healthy and
it's not safe. Hey, if you want to send me
a DM with a relationship question, I'm going to be
happy to weigh in on your love life. The handle
is at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram. You're listening to
the doctor Wendy Walsh show on KFI AM six forty
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
We come back to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
KFI AM six ft five everywhere on the iHeart Radio.
You know, our work life is not only a sense
of identity. When people meet you and you're a stranger,
they say, what do you do? Who are you? Right?
It's somehow a part of our identity, but it's also
(23:42):
a place where we spend a great deal of our time,
at least eight hours a day, if not more, and
for many people, more hours than they sleep. And it's
a place that can have a huge impact on people's
mental health. I was learning a few things about jen
(24:02):
Where are we're at now, X y Z whatever? Down
there people in their twenties, and I've learned they don't
like to own things. They don't like to own furniture.
They rent apartments, they rent furnitures, they don't like long
term leases. They're a mobile group that moves around. There
was an interesting article I read this thing. They also
don't like to hold tabs at a bar. They don't
(24:24):
even know where they're going to be for their next drink. Okay,
but we do know that in order to have a
healthy career, you have to have a resume that is
either you know, shows consistency, like you stay at a
place for a while but not too much. If you
stay at your first job out of college for like
ten years, people are like, why didn't you move? Right?
(24:45):
Two or three years at each job helps you move
up the ladder, because even though you think you're going
to get noticed and they're going to promote you from within,
it never happens. They take a shiny penny from somebody
else's workplace and bring them over. Right. Now, here's another
thing that young people are experiencing that used to only
(25:05):
be associated with older workers, workplace burnout. Right, We usually
think of people that have just been in the same
dead end job for decades, but now young people are
reporting that they are feeling burnt out in their jobs.
In fact, according to a new study by the recruitment
(25:27):
firm Read, eighty five percent of workers have experienced symptoms
of burnout and exhaustion caused by job related stress, and
nearly half about forty seven percent, have had to take
time off for their mental health. Now, the shocking part
is that it's hitting youngest employees the hardest. So let's
(25:51):
talk about what this is. Right, Ninety one percent of
workers aged eighteen to twenty four and an even higher
percentage ninety four four percent of people aged twenty five
to thirty four report symptoms of burnout that include fatigue, headaches,
emotional exhaustion. That's almost every worker, right, So what does
(26:12):
workplace burnout really look like? Well, they dread Monday mornings.
They love Fridays, those sick calls on Monday. On Friday,
they feel emotionally drained by noon and it's only Tuesday.
They stop caring about quality of work or deadlines. They
catch more cold or migraines because the immune system is
(26:34):
suppressed because of stress. They're not fun to be around.
They start snapping at their coworkers or isolating themselves. They
find themselves fantasizing about quitting their job, but they have
no plan, right, They just want to escape the pressure.
So what's going on? Well, younger employees are entering the
workforce with very high expectations and high pressure. They are
(27:00):
juggling student debt, they are facing an insecure job market.
The other thing is there are these constant tech interruptions, right,
and sometimes a really toxic hustle culture. So it used
to be that so our brain does really well when
we compartmentalize. Hey, compartments can be used negatively too. People
(27:23):
go off and have affairs on the person they're married to.
That's another compartment. No, But in general, when we're focusing
on one thing, if we're at school, at work with
our family, our minds should only be there. But if
you're getting texts from your boss on the weekends and
the evenings, or you're at work and you're getting relationship
drama text into you, this is when we get a
(27:45):
kind of weird flooding all the compartment The gates the
compartments open in our mind and we feel overwhelmed and stressed. Now,
back in the day, when you went to work, you
didn't have your own cell phone, you didn't have your
social media, just focused on the work and when you
were at work, you were just your brain was in
one place, right, So now they're being spread around. Right,
(28:09):
then we're going to add this still lingering stigma around
mental health. Right, this can create a perfect storm. One
in ten workers who took time off for mental health
last year, didn't feel safe saying so, and twenty six
percent of workers who needed time off for mental health
(28:30):
didn't take it because they were worried about the stigma.
They didn't want to be judged. Right. I think workplaces
are getting better about it. So let's talk a little bit.
If you're experiencing workplace burnout, or maybe you have a
young adult child who is here are some research backed
steps that might be able to help you. Number one,
(28:51):
as I talked about, set very clear boundaries between work
and personal time. That means, don't answer those emails and
calls after hours, no work chats in your bed when
you're at work, keep the personal stuff to your lunch hour.
Try to create safe compartments for your brain. Number two,
prioritize rest and sleep. You know, everything can wait till tomorrow.
(29:12):
When I was working in years and years ago, I
was doing a show for HBO and I had to
produce these segments, and there were deadlines, and I was
in the EDA bay and there was a lot of
writing and shooting and editing, and I was rushing to
hit a deadline. We had an assignment editor who was
so cool. He used to just say, hey, we're not
here in cancer. Here folks don't stress. And I love
(29:33):
to hear that because I was a young, nervous Nillie
worker who wanted to get everything done, build social support.
Workplaces are not happy places. If you're lonely, you have
to make friends at your workplace, So it's a I mean,
they don't have to be intimate friends, but you got
to know who's got your back if something goes down, right,
(29:55):
and also get some professional help if you need it right.
And maybe all this burnout is is just a messenger
like every other emotion, and it's time to reassess your goals,
your work values. And maybe you're not just tired. You
need a change, you need a big change. So maybe
(30:17):
it's that young people are catching on earlier, just listening
to their feelings.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Right.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
So I just want to close by saying taking care
of your mental health isn't a weakness, it is being wise. Now.
I mentioned earlier that sometimes when people are experiencing burnout
they get a little bit snappy and short at work.
Let's talk about and some people do it. They're not
even experiencing burnout, they're just rude. Let's talk about the
(30:46):
high cost of rudeness at work when we come back.
You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI
AM six forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. I always hear
us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
(31:06):
iHeartRadio app.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!