Dr. Wendy is covering the Bezos-Sanchez relationship, and if you're the red in your relationship? PLUS we are getting some Wendy wisdom as Dr. Wendy offers her drive by makeshift relationship advice. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show. Oh my gosh, I'm so tired, Kayla. How
am I going to get through this? What did you do?
Are you tired? I went to Italy for three days,
three days, three days. Doesn't it take three days to
(00:22):
get to it? Yes? It does. It took twelve hours
to get there and then there was like a train
ride and then a car rental and then da da
da da da da da. So it's like being awake
for twenty four hours and then very quickly doing three
days of stuff and then twelve hours and then I
just got back last night. I'm like three hours and
I need a nap just hearing about it. Week. We
(00:43):
need to move the West coast to the East coast
just for the travel. That would be a lot, just
too hard. You know the reason why I was there
for only three days was because with our various work
schedules and things that we have going on. My husband
and I we had only this time, and his daughter
was going and his son was going, and he wanted
to meet them there for a few days. And I said,
(01:04):
that sounds lovely for you guys. You guys go have
a great old time. And they wanted to tour. They
wanted to go to something called Motor Valley and Modina
where you can tour the factories of Ferrari and Dikati
and what is that thing they like to drive on
the one on ones too fast? The Testato's. Anyway, it
was so I said thanks, but no thanks. And then
(01:27):
I thought about it, and I was like, well, the
only way I would go is if I could ever
get a restaurant reservation at the three Michelin star restaurant
called Ostoria Franciscana. Did you ever see that series, Kayla
called Chef's Table on Netflix, and do those whole bios
of the chefs and their whole well he was the
(01:49):
Massimo Buttura was the pilot episode, you know, the pilot's
always the best, and it was so good anyway, so
of course I checked in. They're booked for a year,
so I called, and I don't mean this to be
an advertisement for American Express, platinum. But I'm just going
to say one thing. It sounds like a really big
fee when they tell you what the annual fee of
that card is. But if you use it just one time,
(02:11):
just one time in cheer, it pays for itself. Okay,
I'm just saying, So I do. And so I called
American Express and they said, oh no, no, I'm sorry,
we have somebody dedicated to that restaurant, but we know
it's full for the next year. We'll put you on
a waiting list to we get any cancelation. We'll let
you know. So, wouldn't you know it? Last week they called.
They didn't even email. They called, Imagine, I saw a
number I didn't recognize and said, we have a table
(02:32):
for you and now in Italy for three days to
have a twelve course lunch. And it was worth it.
It was so amazing. Oh my god, I'm a foodie.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Anyway, I wasn't in Italy for the Lauren Sanchez Jeff
Bezos marriage wedding. I had hoped. I sent her a
DM saying, by the way, if anybody cancels, I'll come.
Doctor Wendy, do you have to understand I know her? Oh? Okay,
I thought, you're a crazy, worst thing.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
So a lot of.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
People don't know this that Lauren Sancha's real name is
Wendy Sanchez and we worked together at Channel thirteen years ago.
She was a little younger than Mesa. She was on
the assignment desk and I was a reporter anchor, and
we were friends and she was fun and nice and giggly,
and all the boys loved her. All the boys loved her,
(03:24):
and they used to say, oh, Boddy's just gonna fall
apart someday. Well it hasn't, dudes. Okay. So anyway, then
years later I went over to host extra weekend host
and weekday reporter whatever, and they hired her afterwards, and
they said, I'm sorry, you can't be Wendy. We have
(03:46):
a Wendy on our show. So she said, okay, I'll
take my middle name Lauren. So I feel so bad
she had to change her name because I was working there.
It all worked out for her, It all went out fine.
So what I said in my DM was just simply
because she sent me really nice, warm wishes. She knew
Julio before and she knew me before, and then the
two of us got together and she's like, I can't
(04:07):
believe you're too mad and married. That's so great, so
I said, I said, at our wedding, things happened, okay, people,
someone put their back out, somebody else got COVID, there
was a sick child, and I paid for dinners and
nobody and nobody sat in those three seats. So if
anybody cancels, that happens. I guess they don't cancel for
celebrity weddings in Venice, right, nobody canceled? Okay. So I
(04:27):
went to the motor Valley and I toured Ferrari. I
don't know, julos in to these classic cars and so
oh it's the cutest thing. So his daughter's really into
it too, like they're looking in the engines like they're
seeing I don't know, diamonds. And there's a young girl
working at the museum and her job is to stand
there and protect the cars and make sure nobody touches
(04:48):
them right. And I said to her, oh, you know,
they're just obsessed. She goes, well, so am I And
I go, really, how did you get into Ferraris? She goes, well,
my dad is a Ferrari mechanic, so I've driven in
Ferrari's my entire life. And I'm like, you're kidding, and
she goes, yeah, he actually made the engine of the
(05:08):
Formula One winner this year, and so they had that
car there and so I was like, oh my god,
girls are into it too.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
All right.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Speaking of the Bessos Sanchez wedding, first of all, congratulations
to both of them. If anybody else knows them, call them,
tell them. I'm so thrilled for them. And I thought
to myself, is there anything that this wedding? You know,
in some ways their lifestyle doesn't relate to any of us,
But is there some way that we can learn something
(05:35):
from it? And I come up with a few things.
First of all, they were together six years before marrying. Marrying, Okay,
the jet like marring. So this is what happens. They say,
when you're really overtired, it's like being drunk on your brain.
Oh no, and I work in radio. My tongue has
to cooperate, Okay. So they were together six years before marrying. Look,
(05:59):
we're in an age of quickie engagements and quick divorces,
so I think it's rare that they did this slow
deliberate bonding, especially amongst a high pressure public life, so
it takes time to build trust. I think they did that.
I think it's a good thing. Also, the other thing
we can learn is that not all men go for
younger women. Lauren Sanchez is a fifty five year old
(06:21):
single mother of three. Jeff didn't go for a twenty
five year old hottie. Right, Peers are attracted to peers
across the lifespan. Yes, sixty five percent of heterosexual marriages
still involve an older man and a younger woman, but
that the age range is not huge, right, And also
the trend is narrowing, particularly with second marriages. By second marriages,
(06:44):
people are like, I just want somebody who remembers disco, Okay,
I want somebody who remembers what I remember. So the
big takeaway here, ladies, men don't always trade down when
it comes to age, and most powerful men are actually
attracted to confidence, social fluency, and shared life experience, which
(07:05):
Lauren has. I don't want to say this because I
talked about on Chris's show in a minute among and
we should talk about how they met. They were both
married to other people, just saying I'm sorry, but it
proves the thing that When women have an affair, they're
often relationship shopping. They're not doing it for the sex.
(07:28):
So she was married to agent Patrick White Soil, total
cutie by the way. We all wanted him and she
got him. Uh, and then she began seeing Bezos he
was married to I think her name is Mackenzie right. Anyway,
It's been well documented that women have affairs. It's more
likely because they're looking for a new relationship and that
worked out for her. Not condoning, just saying that's what
(07:49):
we learned from it, all right. I will say this
money may attract, but emotional intimacy is the glue that
makes it stick. Sure, Jeff Bezos is one of the
richest men in the world, but that's not going to
sustain the warmth and the passion that is really visible
in their relationship. If you notice, she goes out of
(08:10):
her way to express admiration, physical affection, and emotional presence
with him. And when I hear people, usually women talk
badly about her, I usually stop them in their tracks
and say, what you're feeling now is jealousy and they go, oh, now,
I would never want stop it, stop it. It's jealousy,
(08:33):
that's all it is so money may open the door.
And the other thing is that marriage is good for
our health. We can learn that from their relationship. Have
you seen how buffed he got once he got with
her the gym. She did the cutest thing when they
were only like date. I don't know how long they
were dating, because some of it was in secret, but
when they were publicly dating, only like a year or something,
they were in Italy and he was coming out of
(08:54):
the med and he had some abs and some biceps
going on, and she took a picture of him and
I'm sure she said, he cannot boast this, honey, this
is so cute. And all she did is post this
picture of him looking hot, and she just wrote it's
getting hot in here on her Instagram. And that's sweet. Girls,
it's okay to make a man feel good about himself.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
It is.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
They're not all toxic masculinity. They're just humous and little boys,
just like we're little girls. We want to feel protected
and loved and cared for. And they want to feel
like the big man on campus. Even though he's not
that tall and actually she not that tall. They're perfect
for each other. I think she's like five two or something.
He's five three. No, I don't know. I'm joking. I'm
(09:36):
so proud of my little Wendy. I'm so proud of her, Lauren.
I mean, I think it's just great. I am thrilled.
All right, when we come back, Where are we going
after this? Oh? We talk a lot about red flags
and relationships, but my question is this ever thought about it?
Maybe you're the red flag. Let's talk about your behavior
(09:56):
when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KI six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Am six forty.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Five Am six forty. You're doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'd like to
welcome my Instagram audience. If you want to come in
the studio and see what we do here, just log
onto Instagram. My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at
Dr Wendy Walsh. And Laurie's now telling your book. Listen.
She's The book is called Men and Me Too, and
(10:31):
it looks at gender dynamics and she's a former supermodel.
I'm just reading the comments. Guys, I got questions coming.
Just you know, you can throw out anything while I'm talking.
I can be reading your stuff. After this segment, I
am going to be taking your calls. So if you
do have a relationship question, the number will be Kayla's
not answering the phones yet, it will be one eight
(10:53):
hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one
eight hundred five two zero one five three four. But first,
people talk a lot about red flags. They actually will
write to me all the time. He did this, Is
that a red flag?
Speaker 4 (11:09):
She did this?
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Is that a red flag? So I thought I would
turn it around and ask the question, are you a
red flag in a relationship? You know, one time someone
told me that they had just ended their relationship, and
she asked herself, like, why do I keep attracting these
(11:34):
toxic men? Why do I keep attracting these narcissists? But
then I asked her she said, oh, they're always gaslighting
or they're trying to control me. And then I asked her,
well what do you do when they do this, Like
how do you respond? And she said, well, I just
give them a silent treatment. I don't answer their calls
for a while, I wait till they call me, or
(11:56):
I go out with somebody else to try to make
them feel jealous so that they'll know I have other options.
And I just say, you know what, maybe you're the
red flag because you're not modeling the healthy relationship skills.
So let's talk about some of the things that people
sometimes do in their relationship that make them the red flags.
(12:21):
So first, you play victim. You ever do that, Kayla?
You play victim? Life is hard for me. I've been
through trauma. Why I'm trying. Okay, I'm trying as hard
as I can, but you're making it so difficult for me.
Victim victim? Victim victim? What people do sometimes during fights?
(12:45):
You can't argue with a victim because you have to
stop and go and console me. I know, I know
your daddy beat you. I know life was horrible for you.
I know you were poor and blah blah blah blah.
You can't play victim. In fact, a study from the
Journal of Family Psychology found that unresolved trauma and one
partner predicts higher relationship dissatisfaction, not because of the trauma itself,
(13:09):
but because of how the trauma shows up during conflict.
So your childhood might explain who you are, but it
does not excuse who you are. It is are the
lights flickering? Is there a ghost here? I thought I
was going crazy, but yeah, the lights were flickering. Okay,
but we didn't lose. We're still live on air. Yeah
(13:30):
they can hear us. Okay, all right? What happened? Is
the power going out?
Speaker 2 (13:34):
Great?
Speaker 1 (13:37):
So instead of saying something like I can't behave differently
because of my past, why don't you try saying, Hey,
I'm sorry, I messed up. I understand why I did
it because of my past, and I'm trying so hard
to change it. For now, how can I make it
up to you? Because what I did was really wrong
to you? Right, says taking responsibility. It doesn't. Your past
(14:00):
explains you, but it doesn't excuse you. Remember that. Here's
another way that maybe in your relationship you're the red flag.
You play cop. In your relationship, you're a little too
controlling if you find yourself asking questions like where you're
going and what time, and who are you going to
be with it, who's going to be there? Asking a
(14:21):
million questions being a detective, maybe checking their phone and
violating their privacy. That is being a cop. If you
police your friends and family, you're being controlling. You're not
being in love, and there is research to support it.
Research from the psycho journal called Psychoanalytics Psychology shows that
(14:46):
anxious attachment styles are strongly correlated with controlling behaviors, especially
when people fear abandonment. So my advice is come clean
with your feelings instead of your accusations, Instead of questioning
where they've been or who they're with, just say something like,
you know, I'm feeling a lot of anxiety right now,
(15:07):
and I trust you and I know you're probably not
going to abandon me, but is there something you could
say or do to help me feel a little better,
Like can you check in with me more often? Or
something else? Right, They can assist you with your anxiety,
but ultimately it's up to you. Uh, okay, are you
a red flag because you're a one sided partner? You
(15:28):
crave emotional support, but you barely You rarely give it
back because you can't tolerate intimacy. This is the kind
of people that blah blah blah trauma dump all day long,
but then as soon as their partner gets a little
bit misty, a little bit sweet, a little bit teary eyed.
You change the subject as you can't tolerate it. You
(15:49):
know what we call that, and psychologists would call it
having an anxious ambivalent attachment style that come closer, come closer,
go away person. Right, So, instead of using your partner
of never opening up or not being emotionally intimate, learn
how to gently ask how do they feel? How do
you feel? Honey? And tolerated? Let them be real, let
(16:13):
them express right. How about this one? You're a blame shifter. Oh,
someone actually wrote to me and said, I love that concept,
doctor Wendy. A blame shifter. A blame shifter is no
matter what they say, you don't want to apologize, so
you gaslight them. You find yourself saying things like, well,
(16:33):
that's not what I meant, and you're being really sensitive here.
Oh I'm supposed to handle you with kid gloves. You're
making a mountain out of a mole hill. Right, you
turn the blame on them. That's called a blame shifter, right,
and this can undermine your partner's reality. That's why we
call it gaslighting because they're like, really, am I being
(16:56):
too sensitive? Right? They're starting to question themselves.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
So uh.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Gaslighting a roads trust and can trigger symptoms of anxiety.
The answer is just say you're sorry. It's okay, It's
most important. I'm sorry, the two most important words that
you can ever say in a relationship, I'm sorry. Uh.
Or maybe you're the red flag because you're you're the
love bomber. I know you call yourself a hope, a
(17:22):
hopeless hopeful, hopeless romantic. You say you're a little old
fashioned when it comes to love, right, No, the truth
is you're doing too much with the money, the flowers,
the gifts, whatever, and you haven't even established reciprocity. You
haven't established emotional intimacy. You're not getting an invitation to love. Instead,
(17:43):
you're bombing them with love, saying like me, you like me,
like me. It becomes very insecure. Healthy love builds slowly,
manipulation comes fast and hard. Just slow down. Don't give
someone a gift or spend too much on them until
you're sure that they're in there, that they're reciprocating that
(18:05):
there as interested as you're interested. All right, when we
come back, I am going to be answering your phone calls,
your relationship questions as well. As your social media questions.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. Pick up the phone now if you've
got a relationship question, that's one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four. Or send me a DM
(18:26):
on Instagram at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Kayla's going in there to answ the phones right now.
One eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI
AM six forty one live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty k I Am six forty.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
You've got Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show, and this is the time of
the show, and I am taking your calls. Remember I'm
a psychology professor, not a therapist. But I've written three
books on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, and
well I have a lot of life experience, so let
me weigh in on your love life. The number is
one eight hundred and five two zero one five three four. Okay.
(19:09):
Producer Kayla, who do we have? First? We have James
with a comment. James with a comment. Hi, James is
doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Wendy love you love your show. Oh, thank you so much,
and thank thank your screener for putting me through first,
because I wanted to reply to the last thing you
said before commercials?
Speaker 1 (19:29):
What did I say?
Speaker 3 (19:30):
You said of fellows that don't spend too much, don't
give too much? Right early on? You know you can't
buy you love and this app but as a as
a generous man who have dated extensively, oftentimes you're meeting
(19:54):
a person and you don't know each other right, and
you know you take it slow and whatnot, but you
have to do things along the way. I mean, we're
not in high school anymore, right, So a lot of
this in adult world is about what you can do
and what do you bring to this? And early on,
we don't know what we have. We're all a work
(20:15):
in progress. So what's spending on a person or giving
to a person is kind of buying time?
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Yeah, you want to have time to get to know them,
you know what, James, It's true.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
So by time and if they're not doing anything and
you're able to do things have fun. I go out
a lot, I tip well, I enjoyed dating.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
I'm so glad you're so generous. So let me tell
you this, James. One time I was out for lunch
with two very very wealthy women who had married and
divorced and married a divorce very well. And they were
like private islands and jets kind of women. And I
said to them, don't you ever feel guilty? These guys
like paying for everything and you never ever reach in
your pocket. And they said, no, he's paying for our time.
(21:00):
I'm in our company. And I thought, oh wow, oh wow.
I never thought of it that way, right, And so
you're talking about, Hey, I'm buying time here to get
to know this person. And I don't mind being generous.
Speaker 4 (21:11):
Now.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
The problem is, James, unlike you, who's just naturally generous,
I assume if you get into a long term relationship,
you're equally as generous. For guys that love bomb and
spend a lot at the beginning hoping to get her
to like them, and they're shooting above their level, they're
like spending more than they should. Then both people get
disappointed later because A he can't keep it up and
(21:33):
BH he attracts people who are just in love with
what she's spending on him. So it's about being authentic.
And if you're authentically generous James, generous James as I'm
gonna call you, then good for you. Thanks so much
for calling. I appreciate it. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do
we have next? We have Ray with the question we
got the guys tonight. Hi, Ray, it's doctor Wendy. Oh.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
Hi there. I'm a first time career and I would
like to shift the conversation to the positives and actually
the way to positive. Can you give some tips or
some advice for good relationships?
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Oh my gosh, that's a nice open ended question. Ray, Rays,
a first time caller, Welcome to the show, and you
just want some tips for some healthy relationships. Well, if
we talk about the three most important things in relationships,
which are choosing well, maintaining well, and getting over breakups.
Let's talk about those three stages. We will start with
choosing well. My rule number one for choosing a good
(22:29):
mate is not about looking or assessing anything about them.
It's about asking yourself how you feel in their presence.
When you're with somebody, who do you become how do
you feel in your stomach. Paying attention to what your
body is telling you is going to be the thing
that will help you choose best of all, then maintaining
(22:51):
a relationship. The number one way to maintain a healthy
relationship is practicing daily gratitude and expressing it, and for
all the little things, not the big things. Just literally, like, honey,
thank you so much for doing the laundry today. I
was busy prepping for the show and taking notes, and
I looked up and my sweet Julio had done all
the laundry from our trip already. And you know what
(23:12):
he said. He said, Oh my goodness, I forgot to
go through your suitcase. I just took all the laundry
that was there and mine. I feel so bad. Are
you kidding? I said, I didn't even unpack yet. I
don't even know it's there. I'll get to it. Don't
worry so gratitude. Just express gratitude when you see it.
And then, because most relationships do not last until death,
(23:33):
do us pardon? That's okay, we're outliving our relationships. Getting
over a breakup, the best rule is to go one
hundred percent no contact. That means you might have to
change gyms, dry cleaners, and Starbucks because you don't want triggers.
You will get over somebody better if you unfriend, unfollow,
and distract yourself. So there's three tips for you. Ray,
(23:54):
thanks for calling. That's a good question. All right, let's
head over to social media. If you have a question,
you can also send it to me. Oh, I have
three questions. That came because I'm live on Instagram right
now and people have been putting things in the comment
as we're going, Hi, Valerie, thank you for saying that
nice thing. Oh, Jude, thank you so much. They're saying compliments.
It's really sweet. Okay. Laurie Marsden down in Brisbane, Australia,
(24:14):
who I happen to know she's a therapist, had a
really good question. She said, can you say something about
commitment phobes who accidentally pick other commitment phobes And the answer,
of course is they do it unconsciously because what they're
trying to do is prevent themselves from having any threat
of intimacy. They're so afraid of emotional intimacy. The two
(24:38):
people who are afraid of commitment and afraid of connection,
they look at each other and on paper. Socially, it
all looks good, right. Oh, they make great the money.
They're vegan like I am, and they vote the right way,
and they live in the right zip code, and we
should be a great match. But it's like they sniff
each other out and they know that both of them
are intimacy avoidant, and so they keep getting attracted over
(25:01):
and over to relationships that go nowhere because they're so
afraid of intimacy. Someone else asked me how to split
wedding costs in this day of age. You know what,
There are no rules anymore, but I will some of
the things you should consider are your age, right, and
if you're particularly young, parents may be contributing.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
If you're older, it's on you, guys. Julio and I
paid for our own wedding, of course, so age is
something that might play into it. And also culture and religion.
There are certain cultures and religions that are very clear
about whose family pays and how they are what you know.
I remember back in the day in my family, it
was supposed to be like the bride's family paid for
(25:45):
the rehearsal dinner, the groom's family paid for the wedding itself,
et cetera. So anyway, so depending on your age, depending
on your culture, there are no rules. And in fact,
this is another opportunity, tunity to discuss prickly things so
that we can grow. And I mean, that's why I
(26:05):
think pre nups are so great, because they make you
talk about everything and every possibility and event and it's
good practice, right, even though you know sometimes people put
stuff in prenups. It's not enforceable at all. It's just
fun to get it all on paper for the people, right.
Someone else on Instagram asked me about what happens in
adult relationships. If someone has come from a childhood where
(26:29):
parents were fighting all the time, generally one of two
things happens. Either this is what they learned and this
is what they know to do, or they avoid conflict.
They're so terrified of it so they don't know how
to have healthy conflict. Now, I want to say one
thing about parents fighting parents, If you're going in another
room to fight, and don't think those kids don't know.
(26:52):
They're little sponges. So it's almost better to have fights
in front of the kids. And I say careful when
I say fights, I mean healthy fights. We're not throwing things,
We're not name calling all that kind of stuff. And
then also let children see the repair. They need to
see how you make up. They need to see. I
remember someone telling me a story. He said, whenever my
parents fought, they must have had great makeup sex, because
(27:16):
the next morning, around the breakfast table, my dad was
grabbing my mom's butt and they were laughing and giggling.
And I'm just like, oh, I got to see kind
of the repair, hopefully not all of the repair. All right,
I'm going to continue to answer your social media questions
when we come back.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
What else.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
There's something I was just going to say because someone
had asked me something I got distracted on Instagram. Anyway,
if you do want to send me a question, just
DM me on Instagram. The handle is at dr Wendy
wallsch You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and
KFI AM six forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM
six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right,
I'm going to social media. If you want to send
me a question a DM, it's at Dr Wendy Walsh
at doctor Wendy Walsh, and I will keep your identity anonymous.
All Right, here we go. This listener says, hey, doctor Wendy,
if a spouse mentions divorce during a fight, is that
(28:18):
the beginning of the end. We've been married for twelve
years and together for sixteen. Well, that's a lot to
unpack from one quick question. I guess the question is
does this happen often? Has this happened on the regular?
Because if so, then it means nothing, and that's been
proven in your relationship. Now, it's really important not to
(28:41):
threaten divorce when feelings are heightened, when you're fighting, when
you're arguing, right, but it is a feeling at the moment.
What the person in that moment is saying is I
don't know. I don't feel good right now, and I'm
wondering if we were to separate, if I would feel
any better. I can't think of anything else to say
or do it this moment, So that's the only out
(29:01):
I can have from this terrible feeling I'm having right now.
That's what it means when they say it, So it
doesn't mean it's the beginning of the end. But it
should not be left there, that little threat to just
festure and boil away. You've got to come back to
it when you're both a present of mind and you've
got to ask about it, and you've got to say,
(29:22):
were you serious? Can we talk about how often have
you been having these thoughts? If not, can we talk
about how you cannot say that when we're arguing, etc.
But don't leave it there. Don't leave it there. You
got to go back to it. Okay, moving on, Dear
doctor Wendy. I've been dating someone for six months and
everything is great except one thing. They avoid any conversation
(29:44):
about the future. No talk of long term goals, living situations,
or even holidays together. Is this a red flag? Or
am I rushing things?
Speaker 3 (29:55):
Well?
Speaker 1 (29:55):
I'm going to say this. Talking about a future doesn't
necessarily mean talking about a future together. So to take
the pressure off, you can ask questions like, you know,
do you see yourself being married someday? Because I do
see myself being married. Do you see yourself living with
someone before marriage? Do you see yourself having kids someday?
(30:17):
You know, You can ask all these questions in the
early stages of a relationship, right, but this holiday thing,
I mean, you've been together six months. I no, No,
we got a ways before big holidays, right, so I
don't think you should be planning Christmas and Hanukkah and
Kwanza and New Year's right now. It's a little early.
But by the fall you might be talking about that.
(30:40):
I don't want to say you're rushing things, but your
anxiety about where this relationship is going could cause problems.
So just curl it all, you know, calm yourself down,
enjoy this time with this person. Hey, you could be
near the end of your fertility window, and I get it.
I got a biological clock going crazy. So but it's
(31:00):
okay to say hypotheticals because you're getting to know somebody.
And what if you find out that you have completely
different life goals?
Speaker 3 (31:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (31:08):
All right, moving on, dear doctor Wendy. My partner and
I have different love languages. I show love through acts
of service, while they crave verbal affirmation and quality time.
We're trying, but it's starting to feel like we're speaking
two different emotional languages. How do we bridge this gap
before resentment? Creeps in. I don't know why I did
a Marilyn and Ree voice there, but I guess resentment
(31:32):
might be creeping in. All right. First of all, the
love language nonsense has not been It's not a psychological theory.
They've tried to study it. It's not quantifiable, it is
not reliable, it is not valid. And the fact that
you're clinging to it so tightly as the reason for
the problems in your relationship is the first problem. I
prefer to look through relationship look at relationships through a
(31:53):
lens of attachment theory. So maybe something's going on with
your attachment style. Now let's break this down. You say
I show love through acts of service. So I guess
what you're saying is your partner doesn't appreciate your lack
of your acts of service. I am so jet lagged.
Oh my god, on near the end of it. Now,
I'm gonna make it so your partner doesn't appreciate that
(32:16):
you're giving all these acts of service and isn't seeing
that as love or you feel unloved even though you're giving,
because you should give just from the heart, right, all right?
He craves verbal affirmation and quality time. Okay, So I
think the important thing is why can't you give him
that if that's what he craves. If you're the one
saying that the love languages aren't working, I mean, here's
(32:38):
what love is. It is an exchange of care. That
care can take many forms. It can be verbal care
with verbal affirmation. It can be just being together. It
can be all kinds of things. It can be financial care,
sexual care, emotional care, domestic responsibility care. This is all
(32:58):
kinds of things. Now, why are you withholding care? Why
don't you give person the care they want? Right Like,
if I said to Julio, Julio, I need us to
spend more time together alone without other people around, or
I need us to you know, cuddle more. I need
us to find it, he would do it because he
(33:19):
loves me. So you're saying that this whole thing you're
just not matched, because no, you're not matched because you're
not paying attention to each other's needs and being a kind,
loving person. That's all I'll say. It's not about the
love languages. It's just about exchanging care and caring about somebody.
(33:43):
Dear doctor Wendy, says another listener. I recently got back
together with my ex after two years apart. Two years
a long time. We've both grown a lot. But my
friends and family are skeptical and think I'm walking into
a trap. How do I balance my personal happiness with
their concern and how do I know I'm not just
romanticizing the past. Well, we do look back through rose
(34:04):
colored glasses at the past, we really do. Generally. The
thinking of getting back with your ex is that so
who we are in our relationships is unique to every relationship, right.
It's not like somebody goes, Okay, well now I'm a
different person. I'm gonna go. But then as soon as
you tangle and get back into emotional relationship with somebody,
(34:27):
you fall back into the same patterns. And this is
probably what is making your friends and family so skeptical.
I'm a big believer in listening to the tribe, by
the way, because they know some stuff and they see
some stuff that you can't see in the rose colored glasses.
On the other hand, you say we've both grown a lot,
Does that mean you're in therapy together so you can
(34:48):
learn new ways of relating. That would be a good step.
So that's my advice to you, is I know you're
feeling romantic and happy. But I would suggest that you
say to your partner, Hey, you know, we had some
bad things happened in the past, and our breakup was
still like, I don't have the right kind of closure
(35:08):
from it, and now here we are in this romantic
space together. Could we go to therapy so we can
learn some new healthy patterns and we don't ever fall
back into whatever happened before. I think that would be
a happy medium, and your friends and family might be
fine with that. Oh my goodness. Okay, when we come back,
I'm not a sexologist, but I'm going to answer a
listener's question. I'm going to take a whole segment to
(35:29):
answer it is vanilla sex ruining your relationship and how
to fix it? When we come back, you're listening to
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to
Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on
KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on
Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show. Oh my gosh, I'm so tired, Kayla. How
am I going to get through this? What did you do?
Are you tired? I went to Italy for three days,
three days, three days. Doesn't it take three days to
(00:22):
get to it? Yes? It does. It took twelve hours
to get there and then there was like a train
ride and then a car rental and then da da
da da da da da. So it's like being awake
for twenty four hours and then very quickly doing three
days of stuff and then twelve hours and then I
just got back last night. I'm like three hours and
I need a nap just hearing about it. Week. We
(00:43):
need to move the West coast to the East coast
just for the travel. That would be a lot, just
too hard. You know the reason why I was there
for only three days was because with our various work
schedules and things that we have going on. My husband
and I we had only this time, and his daughter
was going and his son was going, and he wanted
to meet them there for a few days. And I said,
(01:04):
that sounds lovely for you guys. You guys go have
a great old time. And they wanted to tour. They
wanted to go to something called Motor Valley and Modina
where you can tour the factories of Ferrari and Dikati
and what is that thing they like to drive on
the one on ones too fast? The Testato's. Anyway, it
was so I said thanks, but no thanks. And then
(01:27):
I thought about it, and I was like, well, the
only way I would go is if I could ever
get a restaurant reservation at the three Michelin star restaurant
called Ostoria Franciscana. Did you ever see that series, Kayla
called Chef's Table on Netflix, and do those whole bios
of the chefs and their whole well he was the
(01:49):
Massimo Buttura was the pilot episode, you know, the pilot's
always the best, and it was so good anyway, so
of course I checked in. They're booked for a year,
so I called, and I don't mean this to be
an advertisement for American Express, platinum. But I'm just going
to say one thing. It sounds like a really big
fee when they tell you what the annual fee of
that card is. But if you use it just one time,
(02:11):
just one time in cheer, it pays for itself. Okay,
I'm just saying, So I do. And so I called
American Express and they said, oh no, no, I'm sorry,
we have somebody dedicated to that restaurant, but we know
it's full for the next year. We'll put you on
a waiting list to we get any cancelation. We'll let
you know. So, wouldn't you know it? Last week they called.
They didn't even email. They called, Imagine, I saw a
number I didn't recognize and said, we have a table
(02:32):
for you and now in Italy for three days to
have a twelve course lunch. And it was worth it.
It was so amazing. Oh my god, I'm a foodie.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Anyway, I wasn't in Italy for the Lauren Sanchez Jeff
Bezos marriage wedding. I had hoped. I sent her a
DM saying, by the way, if anybody cancels, I'll come.
Doctor Wendy, do you have to understand I know her? Oh? Okay,
I thought, you're a crazy, worst thing.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
So a lot of.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
People don't know this that Lauren Sancha's real name is
Wendy Sanchez and we worked together at Channel thirteen years ago.
She was a little younger than Mesa. She was on
the assignment desk and I was a reporter anchor, and
we were friends and she was fun and nice and giggly,
and all the boys loved her. All the boys loved her,
(03:24):
and they used to say, oh, Boddy's just gonna fall
apart someday. Well it hasn't, dudes. Okay. So anyway, then
years later I went over to host extra weekend host
and weekday reporter whatever, and they hired her afterwards, and
they said, I'm sorry, you can't be Wendy. We have
(03:46):
a Wendy on our show. So she said, okay, I'll
take my middle name Lauren. So I feel so bad
she had to change her name because I was working there.
It all worked out for her, It all went out fine.
So what I said in my DM was just simply
because she sent me really nice, warm wishes. She knew
Julio before and she knew me before, and then the
two of us got together and she's like, I can't
(04:07):
believe you're too mad and married. That's so great, so
I said, I said, at our wedding, things happened, okay, people,
someone put their back out, somebody else got COVID, there
was a sick child, and I paid for dinners and
nobody and nobody sat in those three seats. So if
anybody cancels, that happens. I guess they don't cancel for
celebrity weddings in Venice, right, nobody canceled? Okay. So I
(04:27):
went to the motor Valley and I toured Ferrari. I
don't know, julos in to these classic cars and so
oh it's the cutest thing. So his daughter's really into
it too, like they're looking in the engines like they're
seeing I don't know, diamonds. And there's a young girl
working at the museum and her job is to stand
there and protect the cars and make sure nobody touches
(04:48):
them right. And I said to her, oh, you know,
they're just obsessed. She goes, well, so am I And
I go, really, how did you get into Ferraris? She goes, well,
my dad is a Ferrari mechanic, so I've driven in
Ferrari's my entire life. And I'm like, you're kidding, and
she goes, yeah, he actually made the engine of the
(05:08):
Formula One winner this year, and so they had that
car there and so I was like, oh my god,
girls are into it too.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
All right.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Speaking of the Bessos Sanchez wedding, first of all, congratulations
to both of them. If anybody else knows them, call them,
tell them. I'm so thrilled for them. And I thought
to myself, is there anything that this wedding? You know,
in some ways their lifestyle doesn't relate to any of us,
But is there some way that we can learn something
(05:35):
from it? And I come up with a few things.
First of all, they were together six years before marrying. Marrying, Okay,
the jet like marring. So this is what happens. They say,
when you're really overtired, it's like being drunk on your brain.
Oh no, and I work in radio. My tongue has
to cooperate, Okay. So they were together six years before marrying. Look,
(05:59):
we're in an age of quickie engagements and quick divorces,
so I think it's rare that they did this slow
deliberate bonding, especially amongst a high pressure public life, so
it takes time to build trust. I think they did that.
I think it's a good thing. Also, the other thing
we can learn is that not all men go for
younger women. Lauren Sanchez is a fifty five year old
(06:21):
single mother of three. Jeff didn't go for a twenty
five year old hottie. Right, Peers are attracted to peers
across the lifespan. Yes, sixty five percent of heterosexual marriages
still involve an older man and a younger woman, but
that the age range is not huge, right, And also
the trend is narrowing, particularly with second marriages. By second marriages,
(06:44):
people are like, I just want somebody who remembers disco, Okay,
I want somebody who remembers what I remember. So the
big takeaway here, ladies, men don't always trade down when
it comes to age, and most powerful men are actually
attracted to confidence, social fluency, and shared life experience, which
(07:05):
Lauren has. I don't want to say this because I
talked about on Chris's show in a minute among and
we should talk about how they met. They were both
married to other people, just saying I'm sorry, but it
proves the thing that When women have an affair, they're
often relationship shopping. They're not doing it for the sex.
(07:28):
So she was married to agent Patrick White Soil, total
cutie by the way. We all wanted him and she
got him. Uh, and then she began seeing Bezos he
was married to I think her name is Mackenzie right. Anyway,
It's been well documented that women have affairs. It's more
likely because they're looking for a new relationship and that
worked out for her. Not condoning, just saying that's what
(07:49):
we learned from it, all right. I will say this
money may attract, but emotional intimacy is the glue that
makes it stick. Sure, Jeff Bezos is one of the
richest men in the world, but that's not going to
sustain the warmth and the passion that is really visible
in their relationship. If you notice, she goes out of
(08:10):
her way to express admiration, physical affection, and emotional presence
with him. And when I hear people, usually women talk
badly about her, I usually stop them in their tracks
and say, what you're feeling now is jealousy and they go, oh, now,
I would never want stop it, stop it. It's jealousy,
(08:33):
that's all it is so money may open the door.
And the other thing is that marriage is good for
our health. We can learn that from their relationship. Have
you seen how buffed he got once he got with
her the gym. She did the cutest thing when they
were only like date. I don't know how long they
were dating, because some of it was in secret, but
when they were publicly dating, only like a year or something,
they were in Italy and he was coming out of
(08:54):
the med and he had some abs and some biceps
going on, and she took a picture of him and
I'm sure she said, he cannot boast this, honey, this
is so cute. And all she did is post this
picture of him looking hot, and she just wrote it's
getting hot in here on her Instagram. And that's sweet. Girls,
it's okay to make a man feel good about himself.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
It is.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
They're not all toxic masculinity. They're just humous and little boys,
just like we're little girls. We want to feel protected
and loved and cared for. And they want to feel
like the big man on campus. Even though he's not
that tall and actually she not that tall. They're perfect
for each other. I think she's like five two or something.
He's five three. No, I don't know. I'm joking. I'm
(09:36):
so proud of my little Wendy. I'm so proud of her, Lauren.
I mean, I think it's just great. I am thrilled.
All right, when we come back, Where are we going
after this? Oh? We talk a lot about red flags
and relationships, but my question is this ever thought about it?
Maybe you're the red flag. Let's talk about your behavior
(09:56):
when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KI six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Am six forty.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Five Am six forty. You're doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'd like to
welcome my Instagram audience. If you want to come in
the studio and see what we do here, just log
onto Instagram. My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at
Dr Wendy Walsh. And Laurie's now telling your book. Listen.
She's The book is called Men and Me Too, and
(10:31):
it looks at gender dynamics and she's a former supermodel.
I'm just reading the comments. Guys, I got questions coming.
Just you know, you can throw out anything while I'm talking.
I can be reading your stuff. After this segment, I
am going to be taking your calls. So if you
do have a relationship question, the number will be Kayla's
not answering the phones yet, it will be one eight
(10:53):
hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one
eight hundred five two zero one five three four. But first,
people talk a lot about red flags. They actually will
write to me all the time. He did this, Is
that a red flag?
Speaker 4 (11:09):
She did this?
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Is that a red flag? So I thought I would
turn it around and ask the question, are you a
red flag in a relationship? You know, one time someone
told me that they had just ended their relationship, and
she asked herself, like, why do I keep attracting these
(11:34):
toxic men? Why do I keep attracting these narcissists? But
then I asked her she said, oh, they're always gaslighting
or they're trying to control me. And then I asked her,
well what do you do when they do this, Like
how do you respond? And she said, well, I just
give them a silent treatment. I don't answer their calls
for a while, I wait till they call me, or
(11:56):
I go out with somebody else to try to make
them feel jealous so that they'll know I have other options.
And I just say, you know what, maybe you're the
red flag because you're not modeling the healthy relationship skills.
So let's talk about some of the things that people
sometimes do in their relationship that make them the red flags.
(12:21):
So first, you play victim. You ever do that, Kayla?
You play victim? Life is hard for me. I've been
through trauma. Why I'm trying. Okay, I'm trying as hard
as I can, but you're making it so difficult for me.
Victim victim? Victim victim? What people do sometimes during fights?
(12:45):
You can't argue with a victim because you have to
stop and go and console me. I know, I know
your daddy beat you. I know life was horrible for you.
I know you were poor and blah blah blah blah.
You can't play victim. In fact, a study from the
Journal of Family Psychology found that unresolved trauma and one
partner predicts higher relationship dissatisfaction, not because of the trauma itself,
(13:09):
but because of how the trauma shows up during conflict.
So your childhood might explain who you are, but it
does not excuse who you are. It is are the
lights flickering? Is there a ghost here? I thought I
was going crazy, but yeah, the lights were flickering. Okay,
but we didn't lose. We're still live on air. Yeah
(13:30):
they can hear us. Okay, all right? What happened? Is
the power going out?
Speaker 2 (13:34):
Great?
Speaker 1 (13:37):
So instead of saying something like I can't behave differently
because of my past, why don't you try saying, Hey,
I'm sorry, I messed up. I understand why I did
it because of my past, and I'm trying so hard
to change it. For now, how can I make it
up to you? Because what I did was really wrong
to you? Right, says taking responsibility. It doesn't. Your past
(14:00):
explains you, but it doesn't excuse you. Remember that. Here's
another way that maybe in your relationship you're the red flag.
You play cop. In your relationship, you're a little too
controlling if you find yourself asking questions like where you're
going and what time, and who are you going to
be with it, who's going to be there? Asking a
(14:21):
million questions being a detective, maybe checking their phone and
violating their privacy. That is being a cop. If you
police your friends and family, you're being controlling. You're not
being in love, and there is research to support it.
Research from the psycho journal called Psychoanalytics Psychology shows that
(14:46):
anxious attachment styles are strongly correlated with controlling behaviors, especially
when people fear abandonment. So my advice is come clean
with your feelings instead of your accusations, Instead of questioning
where they've been or who they're with, just say something like,
you know, I'm feeling a lot of anxiety right now,
(15:07):
and I trust you and I know you're probably not
going to abandon me, but is there something you could
say or do to help me feel a little better,
Like can you check in with me more often? Or
something else? Right, They can assist you with your anxiety,
but ultimately it's up to you. Uh, okay, are you
a red flag because you're a one sided partner? You
(15:28):
crave emotional support, but you barely You rarely give it
back because you can't tolerate intimacy. This is the kind
of people that blah blah blah trauma dump all day long,
but then as soon as their partner gets a little
bit misty, a little bit sweet, a little bit teary eyed.
You change the subject as you can't tolerate it. You
(15:49):
know what we call that, and psychologists would call it
having an anxious ambivalent attachment style that come closer, come closer,
go away person. Right, So, instead of using your partner
of never opening up or not being emotionally intimate, learn
how to gently ask how do they feel? How do
you feel? Honey? And tolerated? Let them be real, let
(16:13):
them express right. How about this one? You're a blame shifter. Oh,
someone actually wrote to me and said, I love that concept,
doctor Wendy. A blame shifter. A blame shifter is no
matter what they say, you don't want to apologize, so
you gaslight them. You find yourself saying things like, well,
(16:33):
that's not what I meant, and you're being really sensitive here.
Oh I'm supposed to handle you with kid gloves. You're
making a mountain out of a mole hill. Right, you
turn the blame on them. That's called a blame shifter, right,
and this can undermine your partner's reality. That's why we
call it gaslighting because they're like, really, am I being
(16:56):
too sensitive? Right? They're starting to question themselves.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
So uh.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Gaslighting a roads trust and can trigger symptoms of anxiety.
The answer is just say you're sorry. It's okay, It's
most important. I'm sorry, the two most important words that
you can ever say in a relationship, I'm sorry. Uh.
Or maybe you're the red flag because you're you're the
love bomber. I know you call yourself a hope, a
(17:22):
hopeless hopeful, hopeless romantic. You say you're a little old
fashioned when it comes to love, right, No, the truth
is you're doing too much with the money, the flowers,
the gifts, whatever, and you haven't even established reciprocity. You
haven't established emotional intimacy. You're not getting an invitation to love. Instead,
(17:43):
you're bombing them with love, saying like me, you like me,
like me. It becomes very insecure. Healthy love builds slowly,
manipulation comes fast and hard. Just slow down. Don't give
someone a gift or spend too much on them until
you're sure that they're in there, that they're reciprocating that
(18:05):
there as interested as you're interested. All right, when we
come back, I am going to be answering your phone calls,
your relationship questions as well. As your social media questions.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. Pick up the phone now if you've
got a relationship question, that's one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four. Or send me a DM
(18:26):
on Instagram at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Kayla's going in there to answ the phones right now.
One eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI
AM six forty one live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty k I Am six forty.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
You've got Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show, and this is the time of
the show, and I am taking your calls. Remember I'm
a psychology professor, not a therapist. But I've written three
books on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, and
well I have a lot of life experience, so let
me weigh in on your love life. The number is
one eight hundred and five two zero one five three four. Okay.
(19:09):
Producer Kayla, who do we have? First? We have James
with a comment. James with a comment. Hi, James is
doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Wendy love you love your show. Oh, thank you so much,
and thank thank your screener for putting me through first,
because I wanted to reply to the last thing you
said before commercials?
Speaker 1 (19:29):
What did I say?
Speaker 3 (19:30):
You said of fellows that don't spend too much, don't
give too much? Right early on? You know you can't
buy you love and this app but as a as
a generous man who have dated extensively, oftentimes you're meeting
(19:54):
a person and you don't know each other right, and
you know you take it slow and whatnot, but you
have to do things along the way. I mean, we're
not in high school anymore, right, So a lot of
this in adult world is about what you can do
and what do you bring to this? And early on,
we don't know what we have. We're all a work
(20:15):
in progress. So what's spending on a person or giving
to a person is kind of buying time?
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Yeah, you want to have time to get to know them,
you know what, James, It's true.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
So by time and if they're not doing anything and
you're able to do things have fun. I go out
a lot, I tip well, I enjoyed dating.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
I'm so glad you're so generous. So let me tell
you this, James. One time I was out for lunch
with two very very wealthy women who had married and
divorced and married a divorce very well. And they were
like private islands and jets kind of women. And I
said to them, don't you ever feel guilty? These guys
like paying for everything and you never ever reach in
your pocket. And they said, no, he's paying for our time.
(21:00):
I'm in our company. And I thought, oh wow, oh wow.
I never thought of it that way, right, And so
you're talking about, Hey, I'm buying time here to get
to know this person. And I don't mind being generous.
Speaker 4 (21:11):
Now.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
The problem is, James, unlike you, who's just naturally generous,
I assume if you get into a long term relationship,
you're equally as generous. For guys that love bomb and
spend a lot at the beginning hoping to get her
to like them, and they're shooting above their level, they're
like spending more than they should. Then both people get
disappointed later because A he can't keep it up and
(21:33):
BH he attracts people who are just in love with
what she's spending on him. So it's about being authentic.
And if you're authentically generous James, generous James as I'm
gonna call you, then good for you. Thanks so much
for calling. I appreciate it. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do
we have next? We have Ray with the question we
got the guys tonight. Hi, Ray, it's doctor Wendy. Oh.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
Hi there. I'm a first time career and I would
like to shift the conversation to the positives and actually
the way to positive. Can you give some tips or
some advice for good relationships?
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Oh my gosh, that's a nice open ended question. Ray, Rays,
a first time caller, Welcome to the show, and you
just want some tips for some healthy relationships. Well, if
we talk about the three most important things in relationships,
which are choosing well, maintaining well, and getting over breakups.
Let's talk about those three stages. We will start with
choosing well. My rule number one for choosing a good
(22:29):
mate is not about looking or assessing anything about them.
It's about asking yourself how you feel in their presence.
When you're with somebody, who do you become how do
you feel in your stomach. Paying attention to what your
body is telling you is going to be the thing
that will help you choose best of all, then maintaining
(22:51):
a relationship. The number one way to maintain a healthy
relationship is practicing daily gratitude and expressing it, and for
all the little things, not the big things. Just literally, like, honey,
thank you so much for doing the laundry today. I
was busy prepping for the show and taking notes, and
I looked up and my sweet Julio had done all
the laundry from our trip already. And you know what
(23:12):
he said. He said, Oh my goodness, I forgot to
go through your suitcase. I just took all the laundry
that was there and mine. I feel so bad. Are
you kidding? I said, I didn't even unpack yet. I
don't even know it's there. I'll get to it. Don't
worry so gratitude. Just express gratitude when you see it.
And then, because most relationships do not last until death,
(23:33):
do us pardon? That's okay, we're outliving our relationships. Getting
over a breakup, the best rule is to go one
hundred percent no contact. That means you might have to
change gyms, dry cleaners, and Starbucks because you don't want triggers.
You will get over somebody better if you unfriend, unfollow,
and distract yourself. So there's three tips for you. Ray,
(23:54):
thanks for calling. That's a good question. All right, let's
head over to social media. If you have a question,
you can also send it to me. Oh, I have
three questions. That came because I'm live on Instagram right
now and people have been putting things in the comment
as we're going, Hi, Valerie, thank you for saying that
nice thing. Oh, Jude, thank you so much. They're saying compliments.
It's really sweet. Okay. Laurie Marsden down in Brisbane, Australia,
(24:14):
who I happen to know she's a therapist, had a
really good question. She said, can you say something about
commitment phobes who accidentally pick other commitment phobes And the answer,
of course is they do it unconsciously because what they're
trying to do is prevent themselves from having any threat
of intimacy. They're so afraid of emotional intimacy. The two
(24:38):
people who are afraid of commitment and afraid of connection,
they look at each other and on paper. Socially, it
all looks good, right. Oh, they make great the money.
They're vegan like I am, and they vote the right way,
and they live in the right zip code, and we
should be a great match. But it's like they sniff
each other out and they know that both of them
are intimacy avoidant, and so they keep getting attracted over
(25:01):
and over to relationships that go nowhere because they're so
afraid of intimacy. Someone else asked me how to split
wedding costs in this day of age. You know what,
There are no rules anymore, but I will some of
the things you should consider are your age, right, and
if you're particularly young, parents may be contributing.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
If you're older, it's on you, guys. Julio and I
paid for our own wedding, of course, so age is
something that might play into it. And also culture and religion.
There are certain cultures and religions that are very clear
about whose family pays and how they are what you know.
I remember back in the day in my family, it
was supposed to be like the bride's family paid for
(25:45):
the rehearsal dinner, the groom's family paid for the wedding itself,
et cetera. So anyway, so depending on your age, depending
on your culture, there are no rules. And in fact,
this is another opportunity, tunity to discuss prickly things so
that we can grow. And I mean, that's why I
(26:05):
think pre nups are so great, because they make you
talk about everything and every possibility and event and it's
good practice, right, even though you know sometimes people put
stuff in prenups. It's not enforceable at all. It's just
fun to get it all on paper for the people, right.
Someone else on Instagram asked me about what happens in
adult relationships. If someone has come from a childhood where
(26:29):
parents were fighting all the time, generally one of two
things happens. Either this is what they learned and this
is what they know to do, or they avoid conflict.
They're so terrified of it so they don't know how
to have healthy conflict. Now, I want to say one
thing about parents fighting parents, If you're going in another
room to fight, and don't think those kids don't know.
(26:52):
They're little sponges. So it's almost better to have fights
in front of the kids. And I say careful when
I say fights, I mean healthy fights. We're not throwing things,
We're not name calling all that kind of stuff. And
then also let children see the repair. They need to
see how you make up. They need to see. I
remember someone telling me a story. He said, whenever my
parents fought, they must have had great makeup sex, because
(27:16):
the next morning, around the breakfast table, my dad was
grabbing my mom's butt and they were laughing and giggling.
And I'm just like, oh, I got to see kind
of the repair, hopefully not all of the repair. All right,
I'm going to continue to answer your social media questions
when we come back.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
What else.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
There's something I was just going to say because someone
had asked me something I got distracted on Instagram. Anyway,
if you do want to send me a question, just
DM me on Instagram. The handle is at dr Wendy
wallsch You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and
KFI AM six forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM
six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right,
I'm going to social media. If you want to send
me a question a DM, it's at Dr Wendy Walsh
at doctor Wendy Walsh, and I will keep your identity anonymous.
All Right, here we go. This listener says, hey, doctor Wendy,
if a spouse mentions divorce during a fight, is that
(28:18):
the beginning of the end. We've been married for twelve
years and together for sixteen. Well, that's a lot to
unpack from one quick question. I guess the question is
does this happen often? Has this happened on the regular?
Because if so, then it means nothing, and that's been
proven in your relationship. Now, it's really important not to
(28:41):
threaten divorce when feelings are heightened, when you're fighting, when
you're arguing, right, but it is a feeling at the moment.
What the person in that moment is saying is I
don't know. I don't feel good right now, and I'm
wondering if we were to separate, if I would feel
any better. I can't think of anything else to say
or do it this moment, So that's the only out
(29:01):
I can have from this terrible feeling I'm having right now.
That's what it means when they say it, So it
doesn't mean it's the beginning of the end. But it
should not be left there, that little threat to just
festure and boil away. You've got to come back to
it when you're both a present of mind and you've
got to ask about it, and you've got to say,
(29:22):
were you serious? Can we talk about how often have
you been having these thoughts? If not, can we talk
about how you cannot say that when we're arguing, etc.
But don't leave it there. Don't leave it there. You
got to go back to it. Okay, moving on, Dear
doctor Wendy. I've been dating someone for six months and
everything is great except one thing. They avoid any conversation
(29:44):
about the future. No talk of long term goals, living situations,
or even holidays together. Is this a red flag? Or
am I rushing things?
Speaker 3 (29:55):
Well?
Speaker 1 (29:55):
I'm going to say this. Talking about a future doesn't
necessarily mean talking about a future together. So to take
the pressure off, you can ask questions like, you know,
do you see yourself being married someday? Because I do
see myself being married. Do you see yourself living with
someone before marriage? Do you see yourself having kids someday?
(30:17):
You know, You can ask all these questions in the
early stages of a relationship, right, but this holiday thing,
I mean, you've been together six months. I no, No,
we got a ways before big holidays, right, so I
don't think you should be planning Christmas and Hanukkah and
Kwanza and New Year's right now. It's a little early.
But by the fall you might be talking about that.
(30:40):
I don't want to say you're rushing things, but your
anxiety about where this relationship is going could cause problems.
So just curl it all, you know, calm yourself down,
enjoy this time with this person. Hey, you could be
near the end of your fertility window, and I get it.
I got a biological clock going crazy. So but it's
(31:00):
okay to say hypotheticals because you're getting to know somebody.
And what if you find out that you have completely
different life goals?
Speaker 3 (31:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (31:08):
All right, moving on, dear doctor Wendy. My partner and
I have different love languages. I show love through acts
of service, while they crave verbal affirmation and quality time.
We're trying, but it's starting to feel like we're speaking
two different emotional languages. How do we bridge this gap
before resentment? Creeps in. I don't know why I did
a Marilyn and Ree voice there, but I guess resentment
(31:32):
might be creeping in. All right. First of all, the
love language nonsense has not been It's not a psychological theory.
They've tried to study it. It's not quantifiable, it is
not reliable, it is not valid. And the fact that
you're clinging to it so tightly as the reason for
the problems in your relationship is the first problem. I
prefer to look through relationship look at relationships through a
(31:53):
lens of attachment theory. So maybe something's going on with
your attachment style. Now let's break this down. You say
I show love through acts of service. So I guess
what you're saying is your partner doesn't appreciate your lack
of your acts of service. I am so jet lagged.
Oh my god, on near the end of it. Now,
I'm gonna make it so your partner doesn't appreciate that
(32:16):
you're giving all these acts of service and isn't seeing
that as love or you feel unloved even though you're giving,
because you should give just from the heart, right, all right?
He craves verbal affirmation and quality time. Okay, So I
think the important thing is why can't you give him
that if that's what he craves. If you're the one
saying that the love languages aren't working, I mean, here's
(32:38):
what love is. It is an exchange of care. That
care can take many forms. It can be verbal care
with verbal affirmation. It can be just being together. It
can be all kinds of things. It can be financial care,
sexual care, emotional care, domestic responsibility care. This is all
(32:58):
kinds of things. Now, why are you withholding care? Why
don't you give person the care they want? Right Like,
if I said to Julio, Julio, I need us to
spend more time together alone without other people around, or
I need us to you know, cuddle more. I need
us to find it, he would do it because he
(33:19):
loves me. So you're saying that this whole thing you're
just not matched, because no, you're not matched because you're
not paying attention to each other's needs and being a kind,
loving person. That's all I'll say. It's not about the
love languages. It's just about exchanging care and caring about somebody.
(33:43):
Dear doctor Wendy, says another listener. I recently got back
together with my ex after two years apart. Two years
a long time. We've both grown a lot. But my
friends and family are skeptical and think I'm walking into
a trap. How do I balance my personal happiness with
their concern and how do I know I'm not just
romanticizing the past. Well, we do look back through rose
(34:04):
colored glasses at the past, we really do. Generally. The
thinking of getting back with your ex is that so
who we are in our relationships is unique to every relationship, right.
It's not like somebody goes, Okay, well now I'm a
different person. I'm gonna go. But then as soon as
you tangle and get back into emotional relationship with somebody,
(34:27):
you fall back into the same patterns. And this is
probably what is making your friends and family so skeptical.
I'm a big believer in listening to the tribe, by
the way, because they know some stuff and they see
some stuff that you can't see in the rose colored glasses.
On the other hand, you say we've both grown a lot,
Does that mean you're in therapy together so you can
(34:48):
learn new ways of relating. That would be a good step.
So that's my advice to you, is I know you're
feeling romantic and happy. But I would suggest that you
say to your partner, Hey, you know, we had some
bad things happened in the past, and our breakup was
still like, I don't have the right kind of closure
(35:08):
from it, and now here we are in this romantic
space together. Could we go to therapy so we can
learn some new healthy patterns and we don't ever fall
back into whatever happened before. I think that would be
a happy medium, and your friends and family might be
fine with that. Oh my goodness. Okay, when we come back,
I'm not a sexologist, but I'm going to answer a
listener's question. I'm going to take a whole segment to
(35:29):
answer it is vanilla sex ruining your relationship and how
to fix it? When we come back, you're listening to
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to
Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on
KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on
Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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