Dr. Wendy is covering Diddy case, when breaking up is smart to do, and how learned helplessness impacts dating. PLUS we are getting some Wendy wisdom as she offers her drive by makeshift relationship advice to your questions. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Waalsh Show. If you're new to my show, I have
a PhD in clinical psychology, I teach at cal State,
Channel Islands, and I am obsessed with the science of love.
(00:24):
This week, explosive testimony in the P Diddy trial Taylor Swift,
Maybe getting a ring, Hugh Jackman's divorce takes a raw turn. Plus,
while dating someone who's just like you, may feel right
but might not be good for society. Okay, let's get
to it. If you've been following the trial this week,
(00:47):
Sean Combs, known as Ditty or P Diddy and his
many many names, his federal trial in Manhattan. We're now
in its third week. The charges are sex, trafficking, racketeering,
other related defenses. This week we saw emotional testimony from
a former assistant identified as Mia. She alleged that there
(01:10):
were repeated sexual assaults and coercion while she was employed
by Combs from two thousand and nine to twenty seventeen,
she talked about instances of physical and sexual abuse, including
an alleged rape at Comb's LA home. She detailed psychological manipulation,
(01:31):
which she said compelled her to post positive messages about
him on social media despite being abused. Now, of course,
the defense team jumped all over that, saying, well, look
at her social media post. She's saying publicly praising him,
and she responded by saying that the posts were results
of the psychological abuse. I want to remind everybody who
(01:53):
if you don't know me, you don't remember. Back in
twenty seventeen, I was named a Time magazine Person of
the Year as part of a group of silence breakers
in the me Too movement, and I spoke out against
sexual harassment at Fox News. I you know, Fox, and
trying to you know, have a public relations campaign. Took
(02:14):
slices of emails that I sent to the gentleman in question,
where I praised him and thanked him for helping with
my career, et cetera, et cetera. This is what victims
of sexual harassment do. It's like kissing the ring of
the big dog. I don't want him to hurt me.
I don't want anything bad to happen. I'll just play nice, right,
we say that in times of stress. Now, there is
(02:37):
a big difference between sexual harassment and sexual assault. But
let's use now an example of sexual assault. Women will
either take flight, fight take flight more often, they'll freeze,
or they'll fawn. Fawn is sucking up to and actually
being nice to your abuser, hoping that they won't abuse
(02:59):
you as much, just saying now. Also this week, the
trel mentioned several celebrities Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Mike Myers. Now,
these people aren't accused of anything wrong, but just the
fact that their names have surfaced mean that there could
be some juicy stuff coming up in the future. In
the end, the outcome of this trial is really going
(03:20):
to depend on how the jury perceives the quality of
these testimonies, what the jury really decides. This trial is
expected to continue into July, and you know, P Diddy
could go to jail for a very long time, if
not life, depending on if whatever this jury decides. All Right,
(03:41):
another relationship news, as we will, some people got engaged
this week, Hailey Steinfeld and Josh Allen or sorry, They
got married in California yesterday. They've been dating since May
of twenty twenty three. They got engaged last November. Demi
Levado and Jordan LUTs married last week May twenty fifth
(04:05):
in Santa Barbara. Some baby news. I can never say
her name, Sayorice ronan cyoricea Sirsha, sirsha. It doesn't spell
like that at all, Heather Sir Sia Rowan and check
Irishish Irish thing, and I should know that I'm Irish.
Are expecting their first child. The couple married privately in
(04:28):
Edinburgh last summer. Relationship updates so Brad Pitt and Inez
de Ramolt reportedly are in a strong, stable relationship. Finally, Brad. Yeah,
one that's working. This is good. She has is It's said,
according to reports, that she brings calm and support to
his life post his divorce. And you know, we've still
(04:49):
been waiting and waiting and waiting, Travis Kelcey, you are
slow in your role. What is up? We want you
to get on one knee somewhere and propose to Taylor's right.
We thought you would do it at the super Bowl.
We thought you would do it when you kept showing
up on stage during her tour, right or international tour.
We are just waiting when is it gonna happen. I
(05:12):
think it's gonna happen because they've been together like two
years now, Kayla. Do you think it's two years that
Taylor Swift and Travis Ivens?
Speaker 2 (05:19):
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
It's been a long time.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Yeah, But some people say that they don't think it's
a real relationship. There's still this conspiracy theory that it's
a PR relationship and it's not real.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yeah, for two years though, I know, and they're on
the road and he's picking her up and carrying her
on stage, and.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
I mean, I think it's real, but I still see these,
you know, fan theories that it's that it's PR.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
The thing that made me think a little PR was
that they went and co hosted like Saturday Night Live
super quick, like when they'd only been dating like a
few weeks or something, but two years. I mean, look
back in the day Rock Hudson, you know, had to
pretend to date people because he was hiding his gayness.
Like what have they got to hide? They're both two
stars anyway, why they Who needs more PR? And no way?
(06:02):
She just bought her Uh didn't she buy her master's back?
Remember the hole. Just this weekend she thanked all her
fans for coming to the Era's tour because it was
that money she used to buy her master's back. And
for those of you who don't know, so many musicians
are justifiably I think a little bit upset because many
(06:24):
record labels own the actual masters of their work, like
the first version, and they can resell that. You could
they could sell to commercials if you wanted to do
you know, American airlines jingle with somebody's hit, and then
the while the artists might get a few royalties, they
don't get to decide where their music ends up or
how it's sold. Right, And so when Scooter Braun bought
(06:46):
her masters for least amount of money, and she got
so mad that she did something unprecedented it was I
think seventh albums or something that it was a lot.
She went back into the studio bit by bit by
bit and re recorded every single note everything and put
(07:07):
out whole albums again called Taylor's version, so that her
fans knew that's the one to buy. Don't buy the
one the Scooter Braun owns. But now she has been
able to actually buy because she has enough money to
buy them all back. So and and by the way,
buying masters back is not like, oh, well, here's half
a million dollars. No, no, Often I can't remember what
(07:27):
she paid. We might want to look it up. But
often they're eighty to one hundred million dollars to buy
these things back. All right, So Travis, get up on it. Okay,
hurry up. Breakups. Three hundred and sixty million, three hundred
and sixty million. Yeah, your fast, Heather. Yeah, I love
this girl. I love Taylor Swift. She's amazing.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
She's a powerhouse.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
That's a powerhouse, all right, all right. Hugh Jackman and
Deborah Lee Furness. After twenty seven years of marriage, the
couple has announced their divorce. Uh. She'd later shared an
emotional statement expressing betrayal. Oh we need to find that.
Did she say? Was there audio in it? Or is
it just did she type something on Instagram? We got
to find that. Raymy Mallick and Emma Curran over done.
(08:12):
Remember Bohemian Rhapsody star. He's so talented and she's from
the Crown. They ended their two year relationship. Sidney Sweeney
and Jonathan Divino, actress and her finance ended their seven
year relationship, citing her busy career as a contributing factor.
I know we kind of scoff at that, but the
truth is, when you have a kind of career as
an actor where you're away for months and months at
(08:34):
a time, the separation can be brutal. I just want
to say that, all right, speaking of breakups, when we
come back, let us talk about not just I've always
talked about how to get over a breakup, but one
of the best ways to deal with it. Let's talk
about when breaking up is the very smartest thing you
can do when it's time to dump somebody. And I'm
(08:54):
going to tell you a story about this. When we
come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy wall
showfi Am We Love Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. It's
an app, yes it is. Hey. By the way, if
you have not downloaded the Ihart radio app, you really should.
And here's what you do. You downloaded. You searched Doctor
Wendy Walsh and then there's a little button at the
top that says preset. You click on the preset button
(09:15):
and then every time you open the app Anything you
missed in the show just pops right up.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh show, you know. This
week I talked at this wonderful women's wellness event at
the I'm gonna say it wrong, the Jewish Iranian Iranian
Jewish Association Anyway, filled with fabulous women and many of
them KFI listeners. It was so great to meet so
(09:48):
many KFI listeners in person, and they said, oh, they've
been listening to this show forever. It was just such
a treat. And all I kept thinking is what did
I say? Oh my gosh, Oh I didn't say the
wrong thing. I want to remind everybody there is no
such thing as a failed relationship, only a relationship that culminates.
(10:08):
Every connection teaches us something about love, about other people,
about ourselves. Hopefully we're not going to repeat the same
mistakes and we'll just make brand new ones with our
next relationship. So I want to preface what I'm about
to say with this. If you're thinking about breaking up,
(10:30):
if you're thinking about ending a relationship. You are not broken,
and you're not selfish. You might just be growing. I
tell young women all the time that finding great love
isn't a process of being in love with hope with
every guy. It's about eliminating all the wrong ones, and
(10:54):
eliminating means saying no at the beginning. Right. There's actually
a go that I know right now, who's a friend
of mine who's been talking to me about a woman
who lives far away and they have this long distance thing.
And he found out that she came to the town
he lived in, saw her for two hours, but then
(11:15):
stayed the whole rest of the week, and she didn't
know it right, or he didn't know what I mean.
So he's like, what do I do with her? And
I'm like, you dump her. There's a reason for all
of that. But he's like, oh, but she's so perfect
for me and everything's so great otherwise. Can I just
bring it up and see what she says? And I'm like, no,
there's a reason you got it, Like the writing's on
(11:36):
the wall at the beginning. Could it be a justifiable reason?
I just wanted sometime with myself? Wallows in you're down. Okay,
So he did bring it up with her, okay, and
you know what she said? What Well, I was actually
here with my baby, daddy and my baby and wanted
to go to Disneyland and stuff.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Yeah, oh yeah, they hooked up.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Yeah for sure, So there we go. All right. When
I'm about to go through a breakup, there's usually this
period of like three months or so where I start
like doing this cost benefit analysis in my head, like
oh should I should I not? I'm looking for proof
of my feelings. I'm wondering is this a passing mood
(12:15):
or is this for real? And here's another thing that's
really interesting about human beings. You know, the people we
go to for advice, we actually know what they're going
to tell us. So when we're ready to make a decision,
we go to the people who will confirm our decision, right, Like,
that's what I'm surprised he actually called me because he
knew I would say dumpar, dumpart. That means he's ready,
(12:36):
He's ready. I also want to mention something else, especially
for you people like me who are highly empathetic and
compassionate and kind and would never want to hurt a soul.
That we often experience something called breakup guilt. Right. We
struggled it with this when we're trying to end a relationship,
(12:59):
and it's not not because we're unsure of our feelings,
is because we can't bear the idea that we actually
hurt someone. You know. I hate to put gender on things,
but it's more common guys are less likely to break
up because they're so afraid of women's anger apparently that
they're more likely to just kind of fade away. They
just try to wean you off, which makes the woman
(13:19):
insane because she's busy trying to figure out what's going on.
What's going on? Just say it, right, Just say it.
I talked to a girl today who had gone out
on a first date last night, and she told me
that she knew she wasn't going to see him again,
and so she wrote a nice text saying it was
a pleasant pleasure meeting you. I don't think you know romance.
(13:41):
I don't think I didn't have a big connection with you,
but you know, hope to run into you sometime in
the world, like have a great life kind of thing.
I thought that was so classy and so emotionally mature.
Then people know where they stand, right, But this whole
long slow fade. Right, So I want to say this,
if you are somebody who's highly empathetic and very kind,
sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let
(14:05):
go with kindness and with clarity. Now here's what the
research says about how to properly break up with somebody. Yeah,
break up science. It's a real thing. It shows that
you have to be direct, honest, and compassionate. There is
a widely cited study. Actually it was published in the
(14:25):
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. It found that people
do prefer even if they're being broken up, on a
clear and respectful breakup conversation, over vague or misleading signals. Okay,
ghosting slow fades. Get rid of it. It causes a
lot of emotional damage. So instead, try to imagine that
(14:45):
you have to be honest yet kind. So we're not
blaming saying well, I'm breaking up with you because you're
a bad person. You're not going to do that. You're
just going to say I don't think we're a good match. See.
The thing is, when you say we're not a good match,
let's not blame anybody. And if they try to say, well,
why do you think, you know, that's when you say,
I just do those are my feelings. Don't give them
(15:08):
information to argue with, right, because they'll go, no, well
that's not true because I think, and then they think
they're going to try to change to keep you. No,
just be firm and kind, don't blame. And also is
the other one. You have to allow your partner to
have some space with their feelings. If they cry, if
(15:30):
they're upset for anything, just sit there, take it. That's
your job. All right. You're a kind, compassionate person, so
you're going to sit there through the messy breakup, all right.
How do you know that it's time to finally let go? Well,
here are a few red flags for you. If you're
experiencing something I call chronic unease, you know, like that
(15:52):
persistent discomfort, it's probably not in your head. There's something
going on. If your relationship is experience a lopsided effort.
Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal. Are you doing all
the work, whether it's the emotional work, the communication work,
whether you're doing all the planning or whatever. Are you
the only one having a relationship here? In the other words,
(16:13):
just showing up? That's a problem if you have completely
mismatched goals, Right if you want to know that you're
going to want to move somewhere for your career, or
you're going to want to do this, or you want
kids and they don't like, come on, don't stay. The
future is not bright for both of you. It's bright
for one of you, but not both of you. And
if you're feeling this constant, drained energy, then you're probably
(16:38):
ready to break up. Because love should feel expansive. You
shouldn't be shrinking yourself to try to fit into the relationship.
You should be growing because you've landed on a secure
base that's fertile ground for you to be you. I
can honestly say this about my relationship with Julio. It
is the first relationship in my entire life where I
(17:02):
am allowed a lowed terrible word, where I feel completely
safe to be one hundred percent authentic. I mean, sometimes
she does laugh at me when I'm being real, but
that's okay because I know he loves me. And it's
not that we don't fight or argue, but we know
when we do fight or argue that nobody's going anywhere
(17:24):
Like it's not a Although he did say, after a
little tiff this week, he did say, don't worry, We're
not breaking up over this. And I'm like, you had
the thought. Like the fact that you said that sentence
meant you had the thought. Okay. Research shows that breakups
(17:45):
don't usually happen because of one big fight here that Julio.
They happen after long periods of declining satisfaction. In fact,
there is one large scale study that identified a typic
point and oh, they actually put a number to it,
those researchers. There's such nerds. Okay, when satisfaction drops below
(18:05):
sixty five percent, people are more likely to initiate a breakup.
How often do we say to ourselves you know and
feels about sixty eight percent? Now I don't think I'm ready,
So there, I guess there is a slow fade that
happens inside ourselves. Bottom line, you're not weak for walking away.
You're brave for telling the truth. And relationships do not
(18:29):
have to last forever to be meaningful. Sometimes the purpose
of the relationship you're in is to bring you to
the next version of yourself. So if your gut keeps
telling you that something's off, it's okay to listen to
your gut. That voice might be guiding you to something better.
And I want to close by saying one thing to
(18:50):
all the women out there who are hanging on to,
you know, vapors of a guy. He's not the last
man on the planet. Okay, don't believe he is for
a second. There are lots of other great people waiting
to meet you. All right, when we come back the
psychological concept of learned helplessness and how this impacts our
(19:14):
dating life. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to
welcome my TikTok audience who are now in the studio.
Well they're on their phones, but they're looking at us
in the studio. So if you'd like to come backstage,
if it will, If you will and see the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show Love on KFI AM six forty. Just
(19:49):
log onto TikTok my handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Question there on TikTok right away? Do I work with
Mark Thompson? I have known Mark Thompson since he was
in diapers. Okay, Mar Jobson and I did a series
of television talk shows called he says, She says, guess
which one? I was a long time ago. And then
(20:10):
we've worked here at iHeart for a long time. He's
a super great guy. I've known him for a long time.
And uh, producer Kayla said, what you're not gonna, Oh,
you're not gonna. We're not just close to anybody's personal information.
If you put any questions on TikTok. By the way,
don't you worry. Don't you worry. After this segment, I
will be taking your calls and I'll tell you the
phone number at the end. All right, let's talk about
(20:32):
a concept in psychology called learned helplessness. First of all,
let's talk about love, Sweet, sweet, sweet love. It's so innocent.
It's so perfect, isn't it. It feels so good. From romance
novels to romantic comedies, love is something we all seek,
and in those romance novels and comedies, we think it's
(20:54):
a cure all for everything. But in fact, and I've
always said this, love is not about finding happiness. Love
is about finding the familiar. It's depending on what happened
in your childhood, and one of two things could have
created learned helplessness. But what ends up happening is you
(21:18):
go out into your adult romantic life and you try
to find a partner that will help you feel that
familiar feeling of love. What could go wrong there depending
on what happened in your childhood. So back in the
nineteen sixties, a group of psychologists identified something called learned helplessness.
(21:39):
They first identified it in animals, dogs who had been
abused and then when they were allowed to be free,
never even tried to escape. Later, it was realized that
learned helplessness is something that happens to human beings as well.
It's not surprising to note that people who suffer from
(22:01):
learned helplessness also suffer from depression. So there are two
things that cause learned helplessness. One is childhood trauma and
abusive parents, and the other is highly controlling with love
and helpful and kind and permissive parents. And the child
(22:24):
learns that I don't need to do anything because mom
will take care of everything. Jesus the snowplow, Mom, I'm
gonna be fine. So it's like two extremes of parenting, right,
Too harsh and too nice can sometimes create learned helplessness. Now,
I want to remind everybody that any kind of psychology
(22:45):
or mental order or disorder is always a combination of
biopsychosocial a little bit of genetic predisposition biology combined with
our social world and those relationships. But let's talk about
how learned helplessness plays out in our romantic relationships. People
(23:07):
who have learned helplessness attract two kinds of personalities. Now,
the first one might seem pretty benign, right, because on
the surface, the first kind of partner is just a
kind hearted, loving, helpful, compassionate person. Isn't that Doesn't that
sound like a match made in heaven? Somebody who's needy
(23:28):
and helpless and can't do things on their own, and
then they meet this kind person who's just going to
do everything for them. Mm hmm. Yeah. Well, this person
actually might have a diagnosable disorder called dependent personality disorder,
and they have compulsive caregiving. And what happens after a
while is it doesn't feel so comfortable. After a while,
(23:50):
they actually start to resent each other.
Speaker 3 (23:52):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
You might think that this kind hearted person just wants
to heal and fix somebody, But it is not our
job to ever try to fix somebody else. Can you
guys get that through your heads. Never our job to
fix anybody else or heal them. Right. But when couples
get into that kind of diad, they become so enmeshed
(24:15):
that nobody can remember whose problem is who's, and each
of them may be reliving unresolved trauma from their past.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
So the other person, and the far more dangerous person
that somebody with learned helplessness might attract, is the manipulative narcissist.
You see, people with learned helplessness have trouble even trusting
their own feelings. So if they have a controlling person
(24:45):
who's very manipulative telling them how to feel, then they
will think that they have a leader. Right. But the
person with learned helplessness is excellent hunting ground for somebody
who craves control, power and domination. They might criticize their
(25:07):
partner to erode their self esteem even further. They might
gaslight their partner. Remember what gaslight is you tell people
how they feel when they know they don't really feel it.
They try to change the truth, and they're so untrusting
of their own reality and their own feelings that they
just believe they feel confused. Some of these controllers may
(25:30):
withhold affection to manipulate, right, And so the partner who
has been conditioned to be helpless ends up believe it
or not believing that there's nothing better for them, because
the controller also always says that you'll never find better
out there, as they've eroded their self esteem. So what's
(25:54):
the solution. Well, first of all, whether you have learned
helplessness or not, if you're in any kind of romantic
relationship where the strongest feeling you have is confusion, you
need to see a licensed therapist. This is not love.
You should not feel confused if you're trying to like
(26:16):
read the tea leaves of your partner or second guess
how they might behave because they're not a good communicator.
This is not a healthy relationship and this is not love. Right,
if you're feeling confusion, it is something else entirely right.
Real love should feel safe. Now, I also want to
(26:39):
say there are all these kinds of relationships that feel
like love because they're passionate. You know what that passion is.
It's often a bunch of neuro hormones of lust that
feel like a high followed by low.
Speaker 4 (26:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
That's not a healthy either. A secure, healthy relationship just
feels peaceful. It feels calm, You feel safe, there's trust,
you can be authentic, you can say whatever you want.
You won't be criticized. You will be questioned trying to understand.
They'll be curious, but they're not going to criticize you, right,
(27:15):
So I want to assure you that if anything I've
talked about today sounds like you, that working with a
licensed therapist can be the life changing thing, can literally
create permanent personality change. Because I'm speaking to those of
you who may see yourself in the description of learned helplessness,
(27:38):
because you are strong and you are capable, and I
know you can do this, and if someone is manipulating you,
you need to leave them all right when we come back,
I am taking your calls. The number is one eight
hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred
five two zero one five three four. Call me with
(27:58):
your relationship questions. You can use a fake name. I
will keep your identity a secret. I am happy to
weigh in on your love lives. One eight hundred five
two zero one five three four. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty kf I.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to
welcome my Instagram audience. If you have Instagram, open up
the app right now, search doctor Wendy Walsh and you
can come in the studio with us. As you know,
I'm about to take your calls with your relationship questions.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero
(28:46):
one five three four. Okay, So let's start with who
do we have first?
Speaker 3 (28:53):
Weish?
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Okay, tell me with the question. Amy. Hi, Amy, It's
doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3 (28:58):
Hi, Doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
What's your question?
Speaker 2 (29:01):
So I just recently got back into the dating world
and I'm dating a few.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Guys A few. How many guys are you dating?
Speaker 3 (29:08):
I'm dating three different guys right now, that's a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Okay, how are you gonna make it? Okay? Get you
a question.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
I find myself attracted mostly to the guy who does
the least, and I just want to know why that does?
Speaker 1 (29:21):
What?
Speaker 4 (29:23):
Who does the least?
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Out of the three guys?
Speaker 2 (29:24):
I feel like this one guy, he's doing the least,
and I'm attracted to him.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
The most doing the least, meaning that but the guys
who are are more emotionally avoidant maybe or so let
me explain amy what what's going on here? First of all,
people of all genders value something they have to work for. Right,
So if you have two guys chasing you and one
(29:49):
who's a kind of you know, lacks of daisical, who's
not doing any work, not setting up the dates, not
calling a lot, You're like, oh why? And you imagine
that he is being pursued by lots of women, so
he's women approved. You assume that he must have high
self confidence. Do not have to be chasing you that hard.
(30:10):
I'm going to ask you to use his behavior as
a model for yourself, because the truth is you want
to behave that way with other people. You want to
have lots of self esteem. You want to be busy
and happy and get back to them when you can.
And I also want to give one other little bit
of advice. Those other two guys who might be pursuing
(30:33):
you might be the nicest guys in the world, and
you should give them a chance, because focusing on the
one that's less available is only going to cause you heartbreak,
only going to cause you heartbreak. All Right, The number
is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
I see Kayles screening a call one eight hundred five
(30:55):
two zero one five three four. Feel free to give
me a call for now. Let me go to the
DM on Instagram. Okay, dear doctor Wendy, My girlfriend still
has old pictures of her ex on her Instagram. She
says it's her past and she doesn't delete memories. Should
I care? Well, Okay, I got a bunch of questions
(31:17):
about this. First of all, some people do use their
social media as a photo album that is part of
their past. But I think there's ways, there's a technical
way to have them not show up on your grid
but still be there for your do there is that true?
I think there is right, So all you need to
say to her is don't show them publicly.
Speaker 3 (31:36):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
You can save them for yourself in one of those
files that are there, but don't show them publicly. And
I think that's perfectly okay. Right? Should you care? These
questions are so interesting asking me if your feelings are valid?
You know, if they're there and they're yours and they're valid.
(31:58):
Should you care?
Speaker 4 (32:00):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (32:00):
Because this is who you are and you want to
be number one in her life. You don't want to
appear in a photo album with past guys, So just
ask her to hide those publicly in a nice way. Elly,
you love her? This bothers you, all right, Dear doctor Wendy.
And by the way, you can send a DM on
(32:21):
Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh. If I don't get to
it this week, I'll get to it next week. Dear
doctor Wendy. My partner and I live together, but when
we argue, he threatens to break up or move out.
It feels manipulative. Am I overreacting? No? You are not overreacting.
You two need to set a ground rule. It is
(32:42):
entirely unhealthy to threaten divorce or a breakup or moving
out whenever there's a fight, because what he's really saying
is I want this fight to end because I'm really uncomfortable.
And the way that I'm going to make it end
is I'm going to scare you. So you're going to
(33:03):
be too afraid to argue back to me. Right, So
that's what that means. And you've got to be able
to say to him, don't scare me with that. That's
going to be a ground rule, by the way, you
should talk about it when you're not fighting. Just say,
we need to have a ground rule that you can't say,
you can't threaten to break up or divorce or whatever
during a fight. That should be across the board for everybody. Okay.
(33:26):
The numbers one, eight hundred and five, two zero, one,
five three four produced Kayla. Who do we have now?
Yellow Feather? Yellow feather, Yellow Feather? Did your mother name
you that? Did your mother name you that?
Speaker 4 (33:39):
My grandfather?
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Really?
Speaker 1 (33:41):
Where are you from?
Speaker 4 (33:42):
Yeah? South Dakorota?
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Oh? Are you native?
Speaker 4 (33:46):
Yeah? Yes, I am Yay.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
How exciting, yellow Feather. I'm honored to meet you. How exciting. Okay,
what's your question you have?
Speaker 4 (33:59):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Yeah? Wow?
Speaker 4 (34:01):
My radio.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
On your radio?
Speaker 4 (34:05):
Yeah, I live here, I live here in Los Angeles.
Now I'm in her since twenty twenty one. Oh great,
or two thousand and one? Two one?
Speaker 1 (34:14):
All right, what's your relationship question, Yellow Feather?
Speaker 4 (34:18):
It's about my ex. She's always lying.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
Your ax is lying? What lies?
Speaker 4 (34:24):
He's always Okay. In twenty twelve, we broke up. We
have a now we have a nineteen year old daughter, okay,
And she tells me all kinds of crazy stuff that, oh,
I'm not, I'm not. She's not receiving child support. The
Social Security says different.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Oh, she's arguing about money, and no.
Speaker 4 (34:50):
She just she just tells me that she's not she's
not receiving it.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
So here's what I want to say. Here's what I
want to say to you, Yellow Feather. Sometimes when people
break up, they stay in relationship, but now through conflict
rather than love. There are two important facts that you
just told me. One is you refer to this person
as your ex, so there's no reason to be in
(35:18):
relationship with her. The only reason would be a minor child.
But then the next thing you told me is that
your daughter is nineteen years old, she's an adult. I
know you worry that your ex is lying. To your
daughter and trying to pollute her brain against you. All
kinds of evil parents exes do this to their kids.
(35:40):
I promise you your daughter knows the truth. If all
you do is keep in relationship with your daughter and
keep telling her how much you love her, and tell
her whenever she brings up mom says this, Mom says,
just say to her, that's between two adults. Honey, that's
not to do with you. You shouldn't have to worry
about those things. You know, I love you. Just say
(36:02):
that and then do not talk to this X again. No,
don't do it. All right when we come back, I'll
continue to take your calls and answer your social media questions.
The numbers one eight hundred and five two zero one,
five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
(36:26):
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Waalsh Show. If you're new to my show, I have
a PhD in clinical psychology, I teach at cal State,
Channel Islands, and I am obsessed with the science of love.
(00:24):
This week, explosive testimony in the P Diddy trial Taylor Swift,
Maybe getting a ring, Hugh Jackman's divorce takes a raw turn. Plus,
while dating someone who's just like you, may feel right
but might not be good for society. Okay, let's get
to it. If you've been following the trial this week,
(00:47):
Sean Combs, known as Ditty or P Diddy and his
many many names, his federal trial in Manhattan. We're now
in its third week. The charges are sex, trafficking, racketeering,
other related defenses. This week we saw emotional testimony from
a former assistant identified as Mia. She alleged that there
(01:10):
were repeated sexual assaults and coercion while she was employed
by Combs from two thousand and nine to twenty seventeen,
she talked about instances of physical and sexual abuse, including
an alleged rape at Comb's LA home. She detailed psychological manipulation,
(01:31):
which she said compelled her to post positive messages about
him on social media despite being abused. Now, of course,
the defense team jumped all over that, saying, well, look
at her social media post. She's saying publicly praising him,
and she responded by saying that the posts were results
of the psychological abuse. I want to remind everybody who
(01:53):
if you don't know me, you don't remember. Back in
twenty seventeen, I was named a Time magazine Person of
the Year as part of a group of silence breakers
in the me Too movement, and I spoke out against
sexual harassment at Fox News. I you know, Fox, and
trying to you know, have a public relations campaign. Took
(02:14):
slices of emails that I sent to the gentleman in question,
where I praised him and thanked him for helping with
my career, et cetera, et cetera. This is what victims
of sexual harassment do. It's like kissing the ring of
the big dog. I don't want him to hurt me.
I don't want anything bad to happen. I'll just play nice, right,
we say that in times of stress. Now, there is
(02:37):
a big difference between sexual harassment and sexual assault. But
let's use now an example of sexual assault. Women will
either take flight, fight take flight more often, they'll freeze,
or they'll fawn. Fawn is sucking up to and actually
being nice to your abuser, hoping that they won't abuse
(02:59):
you as much, just saying now. Also this week, the
trel mentioned several celebrities Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Mike Myers. Now,
these people aren't accused of anything wrong, but just the
fact that their names have surfaced mean that there could
be some juicy stuff coming up in the future. In
the end, the outcome of this trial is really going
(03:20):
to depend on how the jury perceives the quality of
these testimonies, what the jury really decides. This trial is
expected to continue into July, and you know, P Diddy
could go to jail for a very long time, if
not life, depending on if whatever this jury decides. All Right,
(03:41):
another relationship news, as we will, some people got engaged
this week, Hailey Steinfeld and Josh Allen or sorry, They
got married in California yesterday. They've been dating since May
of twenty twenty three. They got engaged last November. Demi
Levado and Jordan LUTs married last week May twenty fifth
(04:05):
in Santa Barbara. Some baby news. I can never say
her name, Sayorice ronan cyoricea Sirsha, sirsha. It doesn't spell
like that at all, Heather Sir Sia Rowan and check
Irishish Irish thing, and I should know that I'm Irish.
Are expecting their first child. The couple married privately in
(04:28):
Edinburgh last summer. Relationship updates so Brad Pitt and Inez
de Ramolt reportedly are in a strong, stable relationship. Finally, Brad. Yeah,
one that's working. This is good. She has is It's said,
according to reports, that she brings calm and support to
his life post his divorce. And you know, we've still
(04:49):
been waiting and waiting and waiting, Travis Kelcey, you are
slow in your role. What is up? We want you
to get on one knee somewhere and propose to Taylor's right.
We thought you would do it at the super Bowl.
We thought you would do it when you kept showing
up on stage during her tour, right or international tour.
We are just waiting when is it gonna happen. I
(05:12):
think it's gonna happen because they've been together like two
years now, Kayla. Do you think it's two years that
Taylor Swift and Travis Ivens?
Speaker 2 (05:19):
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
It's been a long time.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Yeah, But some people say that they don't think it's
a real relationship. There's still this conspiracy theory that it's
a PR relationship and it's not real.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yeah, for two years though, I know, and they're on
the road and he's picking her up and carrying her
on stage, and.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
I mean, I think it's real, but I still see these,
you know, fan theories that it's that it's PR.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
The thing that made me think a little PR was
that they went and co hosted like Saturday Night Live
super quick, like when they'd only been dating like a
few weeks or something, but two years. I mean, look
back in the day Rock Hudson, you know, had to
pretend to date people because he was hiding his gayness.
Like what have they got to hide? They're both two
stars anyway, why they Who needs more PR? And no way?
(06:02):
She just bought her Uh didn't she buy her master's back?
Remember the hole. Just this weekend she thanked all her
fans for coming to the Era's tour because it was
that money she used to buy her master's back. And
for those of you who don't know, so many musicians
are justifiably I think a little bit upset because many
(06:24):
record labels own the actual masters of their work, like
the first version, and they can resell that. You could
they could sell to commercials if you wanted to do
you know, American airlines jingle with somebody's hit, and then
the while the artists might get a few royalties, they
don't get to decide where their music ends up or
how it's sold. Right, And so when Scooter Braun bought
(06:46):
her masters for least amount of money, and she got
so mad that she did something unprecedented it was I
think seventh albums or something that it was a lot.
She went back into the studio bit by bit by
bit and re recorded every single note everything and put
(07:07):
out whole albums again called Taylor's version, so that her
fans knew that's the one to buy. Don't buy the
one the Scooter Braun owns. But now she has been
able to actually buy because she has enough money to
buy them all back. So and and by the way,
buying masters back is not like, oh, well, here's half
a million dollars. No, no, Often I can't remember what
(07:27):
she paid. We might want to look it up. But
often they're eighty to one hundred million dollars to buy
these things back. All right, So Travis, get up on it. Okay,
hurry up. Breakups. Three hundred and sixty million, three hundred
and sixty million. Yeah, your fast, Heather. Yeah, I love
this girl. I love Taylor Swift. She's amazing.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
She's a powerhouse.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
That's a powerhouse, all right, all right. Hugh Jackman and
Deborah Lee Furness. After twenty seven years of marriage, the
couple has announced their divorce. Uh. She'd later shared an
emotional statement expressing betrayal. Oh we need to find that.
Did she say? Was there audio in it? Or is
it just did she type something on Instagram? We got
to find that. Raymy Mallick and Emma Curran over done.
(08:12):
Remember Bohemian Rhapsody star. He's so talented and she's from
the Crown. They ended their two year relationship. Sidney Sweeney
and Jonathan Divino, actress and her finance ended their seven
year relationship, citing her busy career as a contributing factor.
I know we kind of scoff at that, but the
truth is, when you have a kind of career as
an actor where you're away for months and months at
(08:34):
a time, the separation can be brutal. I just want
to say that, all right, speaking of breakups, when we
come back, let us talk about not just I've always
talked about how to get over a breakup, but one
of the best ways to deal with it. Let's talk
about when breaking up is the very smartest thing you
can do when it's time to dump somebody. And I'm
(08:54):
going to tell you a story about this. When we
come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy wall
showfi Am We Love Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. It's
an app, yes it is. Hey. By the way, if
you have not downloaded the Ihart radio app, you really should.
And here's what you do. You downloaded. You searched Doctor
Wendy Walsh and then there's a little button at the
top that says preset. You click on the preset button
(09:15):
and then every time you open the app Anything you
missed in the show just pops right up.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh show, you know. This
week I talked at this wonderful women's wellness event at
the I'm gonna say it wrong, the Jewish Iranian Iranian
Jewish Association Anyway, filled with fabulous women and many of
them KFI listeners. It was so great to meet so
(09:48):
many KFI listeners in person, and they said, oh, they've
been listening to this show forever. It was just such
a treat. And all I kept thinking is what did
I say? Oh my gosh, Oh I didn't say the
wrong thing. I want to remind everybody there is no
such thing as a failed relationship, only a relationship that culminates.
(10:08):
Every connection teaches us something about love, about other people,
about ourselves. Hopefully we're not going to repeat the same
mistakes and we'll just make brand new ones with our
next relationship. So I want to preface what I'm about
to say with this. If you're thinking about breaking up,
(10:30):
if you're thinking about ending a relationship. You are not broken,
and you're not selfish. You might just be growing. I
tell young women all the time that finding great love
isn't a process of being in love with hope with
every guy. It's about eliminating all the wrong ones, and
(10:54):
eliminating means saying no at the beginning. Right. There's actually
a go that I know right now, who's a friend
of mine who's been talking to me about a woman
who lives far away and they have this long distance thing.
And he found out that she came to the town
he lived in, saw her for two hours, but then
(11:15):
stayed the whole rest of the week, and she didn't
know it right, or he didn't know what I mean.
So he's like, what do I do with her? And
I'm like, you dump her. There's a reason for all
of that. But he's like, oh, but she's so perfect
for me and everything's so great otherwise. Can I just
bring it up and see what she says? And I'm like, no,
there's a reason you got it, Like the writing's on
(11:36):
the wall at the beginning. Could it be a justifiable reason?
I just wanted sometime with myself? Wallows in you're down. Okay,
So he did bring it up with her, okay, and
you know what she said? What Well, I was actually
here with my baby, daddy and my baby and wanted
to go to Disneyland and stuff.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
Yeah, oh yeah, they hooked up.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Yeah for sure, So there we go. All right. When
I'm about to go through a breakup, there's usually this
period of like three months or so where I start
like doing this cost benefit analysis in my head, like
oh should I should I not? I'm looking for proof
of my feelings. I'm wondering is this a passing mood
(12:15):
or is this for real? And here's another thing that's
really interesting about human beings. You know, the people we
go to for advice, we actually know what they're going
to tell us. So when we're ready to make a decision,
we go to the people who will confirm our decision, right, Like,
that's what I'm surprised he actually called me because he
knew I would say dumpar, dumpart. That means he's ready,
(12:36):
He's ready. I also want to mention something else, especially
for you people like me who are highly empathetic and
compassionate and kind and would never want to hurt a soul.
That we often experience something called breakup guilt. Right. We
struggled it with this when we're trying to end a relationship,
(12:59):
and it's not not because we're unsure of our feelings,
is because we can't bear the idea that we actually
hurt someone. You know. I hate to put gender on things,
but it's more common guys are less likely to break
up because they're so afraid of women's anger apparently that
they're more likely to just kind of fade away. They
just try to wean you off, which makes the woman
(13:19):
insane because she's busy trying to figure out what's going on.
What's going on? Just say it, right, Just say it.
I talked to a girl today who had gone out
on a first date last night, and she told me
that she knew she wasn't going to see him again,
and so she wrote a nice text saying it was
a pleasant pleasure meeting you. I don't think you know romance.
(13:41):
I don't think I didn't have a big connection with you,
but you know, hope to run into you sometime in
the world, like have a great life kind of thing.
I thought that was so classy and so emotionally mature.
Then people know where they stand, right, But this whole
long slow fade. Right, So I want to say this,
if you are somebody who's highly empathetic and very kind,
sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let
(14:05):
go with kindness and with clarity. Now here's what the
research says about how to properly break up with somebody. Yeah,
break up science. It's a real thing. It shows that
you have to be direct, honest, and compassionate. There is
a widely cited study. Actually it was published in the
(14:25):
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. It found that people
do prefer even if they're being broken up, on a
clear and respectful breakup conversation, over vague or misleading signals. Okay,
ghosting slow fades. Get rid of it. It causes a
lot of emotional damage. So instead, try to imagine that
(14:45):
you have to be honest yet kind. So we're not
blaming saying well, I'm breaking up with you because you're
a bad person. You're not going to do that. You're
just going to say I don't think we're a good match. See.
The thing is, when you say we're not a good match,
let's not blame anybody. And if they try to say, well,
why do you think, you know, that's when you say,
I just do those are my feelings. Don't give them
(15:08):
information to argue with, right, because they'll go, no, well
that's not true because I think, and then they think
they're going to try to change to keep you. No,
just be firm and kind, don't blame. And also is
the other one. You have to allow your partner to
have some space with their feelings. If they cry, if
(15:30):
they're upset for anything, just sit there, take it. That's
your job. All right. You're a kind, compassionate person, so
you're going to sit there through the messy breakup, all right.
How do you know that it's time to finally let go? Well,
here are a few red flags for you. If you're
experiencing something I call chronic unease, you know, like that
(15:52):
persistent discomfort, it's probably not in your head. There's something
going on. If your relationship is experience a lopsided effort.
Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal. Are you doing all
the work, whether it's the emotional work, the communication work,
whether you're doing all the planning or whatever. Are you
the only one having a relationship here? In the other words,
(16:13):
just showing up? That's a problem if you have completely
mismatched goals, Right if you want to know that you're
going to want to move somewhere for your career, or
you're going to want to do this, or you want
kids and they don't like, come on, don't stay. The
future is not bright for both of you. It's bright
for one of you, but not both of you. And
if you're feeling this constant, drained energy, then you're probably
(16:38):
ready to break up. Because love should feel expansive. You
shouldn't be shrinking yourself to try to fit into the relationship.
You should be growing because you've landed on a secure
base that's fertile ground for you to be you. I
can honestly say this about my relationship with Julio. It
is the first relationship in my entire life where I
(17:02):
am allowed a lowed terrible word, where I feel completely
safe to be one hundred percent authentic. I mean, sometimes
she does laugh at me when I'm being real, but
that's okay because I know he loves me. And it's
not that we don't fight or argue, but we know
when we do fight or argue that nobody's going anywhere
(17:24):
Like it's not a Although he did say, after a
little tiff this week, he did say, don't worry, We're
not breaking up over this. And I'm like, you had
the thought. Like the fact that you said that sentence
meant you had the thought. Okay. Research shows that breakups
(17:45):
don't usually happen because of one big fight here that Julio.
They happen after long periods of declining satisfaction. In fact,
there is one large scale study that identified a typic
point and oh, they actually put a number to it,
those researchers. There's such nerds. Okay, when satisfaction drops below
(18:05):
sixty five percent, people are more likely to initiate a breakup.
How often do we say to ourselves you know and
feels about sixty eight percent? Now I don't think I'm ready,
So there, I guess there is a slow fade that
happens inside ourselves. Bottom line, you're not weak for walking away.
You're brave for telling the truth. And relationships do not
(18:29):
have to last forever to be meaningful. Sometimes the purpose
of the relationship you're in is to bring you to
the next version of yourself. So if your gut keeps
telling you that something's off, it's okay to listen to
your gut. That voice might be guiding you to something better.
And I want to close by saying one thing to
(18:50):
all the women out there who are hanging on to,
you know, vapors of a guy. He's not the last
man on the planet. Okay, don't believe he is for
a second. There are lots of other great people waiting
to meet you. All right, when we come back the
psychological concept of learned helplessness and how this impacts our
(19:14):
dating life. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to
welcome my TikTok audience who are now in the studio.
Well they're on their phones, but they're looking at us
in the studio. So if you'd like to come backstage,
if it will, If you will and see the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show Love on KFI AM six forty. Just
(19:49):
log onto TikTok my handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Question there on TikTok right away? Do I work with
Mark Thompson? I have known Mark Thompson since he was
in diapers. Okay, Mar Jobson and I did a series
of television talk shows called he says, She says, guess
which one? I was a long time ago. And then
(20:10):
we've worked here at iHeart for a long time. He's
a super great guy. I've known him for a long time.
And uh, producer Kayla said, what you're not gonna, Oh,
you're not gonna. We're not just close to anybody's personal information.
If you put any questions on TikTok. By the way,
don't you worry. Don't you worry. After this segment, I
will be taking your calls and I'll tell you the
phone number at the end. All right, let's talk about
(20:32):
a concept in psychology called learned helplessness. First of all,
let's talk about love, Sweet, sweet, sweet love. It's so innocent.
It's so perfect, isn't it. It feels so good. From romance
novels to romantic comedies, love is something we all seek,
and in those romance novels and comedies, we think it's
(20:54):
a cure all for everything. But in fact, and I've
always said this, love is not about finding happiness. Love
is about finding the familiar. It's depending on what happened
in your childhood, and one of two things could have
created learned helplessness. But what ends up happening is you
(21:18):
go out into your adult romantic life and you try
to find a partner that will help you feel that
familiar feeling of love. What could go wrong there depending
on what happened in your childhood. So back in the
nineteen sixties, a group of psychologists identified something called learned helplessness.
(21:39):
They first identified it in animals, dogs who had been
abused and then when they were allowed to be free,
never even tried to escape. Later, it was realized that
learned helplessness is something that happens to human beings as well.
It's not surprising to note that people who suffer from
(22:01):
learned helplessness also suffer from depression. So there are two
things that cause learned helplessness. One is childhood trauma and
abusive parents, and the other is highly controlling with love
and helpful and kind and permissive parents. And the child
(22:24):
learns that I don't need to do anything because mom
will take care of everything. Jesus the snowplow, Mom, I'm
gonna be fine. So it's like two extremes of parenting, right,
Too harsh and too nice can sometimes create learned helplessness. Now,
I want to remind everybody that any kind of psychology
(22:45):
or mental order or disorder is always a combination of
biopsychosocial a little bit of genetic predisposition biology combined with
our social world and those relationships. But let's talk about
how learned helplessness plays out in our romantic relationships. People
(23:07):
who have learned helplessness attract two kinds of personalities. Now,
the first one might seem pretty benign, right, because on
the surface, the first kind of partner is just a
kind hearted, loving, helpful, compassionate person. Isn't that Doesn't that
sound like a match made in heaven? Somebody who's needy
(23:28):
and helpless and can't do things on their own, and
then they meet this kind person who's just going to
do everything for them. Mm hmm. Yeah. Well, this person
actually might have a diagnosable disorder called dependent personality disorder,
and they have compulsive caregiving. And what happens after a
while is it doesn't feel so comfortable. After a while,
(23:50):
they actually start to resent each other.
Speaker 3 (23:52):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
You might think that this kind hearted person just wants
to heal and fix somebody, But it is not our
job to ever try to fix somebody else. Can you
guys get that through your heads. Never our job to
fix anybody else or heal them. Right. But when couples
get into that kind of diad, they become so enmeshed
(24:15):
that nobody can remember whose problem is who's, and each
of them may be reliving unresolved trauma from their past.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
So the other person, and the far more dangerous person
that somebody with learned helplessness might attract, is the manipulative narcissist.
You see, people with learned helplessness have trouble even trusting
their own feelings. So if they have a controlling person
(24:45):
who's very manipulative telling them how to feel, then they
will think that they have a leader. Right. But the
person with learned helplessness is excellent hunting ground for somebody
who craves control, power and domination. They might criticize their
(25:07):
partner to erode their self esteem even further. They might
gaslight their partner. Remember what gaslight is you tell people
how they feel when they know they don't really feel it.
They try to change the truth, and they're so untrusting
of their own reality and their own feelings that they
just believe they feel confused. Some of these controllers may
(25:30):
withhold affection to manipulate, right, And so the partner who
has been conditioned to be helpless ends up believe it
or not believing that there's nothing better for them, because
the controller also always says that you'll never find better
out there, as they've eroded their self esteem. So what's
(25:54):
the solution. Well, first of all, whether you have learned
helplessness or not, if you're in any kind of romantic
relationship where the strongest feeling you have is confusion, you
need to see a licensed therapist. This is not love.
You should not feel confused if you're trying to like
(26:16):
read the tea leaves of your partner or second guess
how they might behave because they're not a good communicator.
This is not a healthy relationship and this is not love. Right,
if you're feeling confusion, it is something else entirely right.
Real love should feel safe. Now, I also want to
(26:39):
say there are all these kinds of relationships that feel
like love because they're passionate. You know what that passion is.
It's often a bunch of neuro hormones of lust that
feel like a high followed by low.
Speaker 4 (26:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
That's not a healthy either. A secure, healthy relationship just
feels peaceful. It feels calm, You feel safe, there's trust,
you can be authentic, you can say whatever you want.
You won't be criticized. You will be questioned trying to understand.
They'll be curious, but they're not going to criticize you, right,
(27:15):
So I want to assure you that if anything I've
talked about today sounds like you, that working with a
licensed therapist can be the life changing thing, can literally
create permanent personality change. Because I'm speaking to those of
you who may see yourself in the description of learned helplessness,
(27:38):
because you are strong and you are capable, and I
know you can do this, and if someone is manipulating you,
you need to leave them all right when we come back,
I am taking your calls. The number is one eight
hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred
five two zero one five three four. Call me with
(27:58):
your relationship questions. You can use a fake name. I
will keep your identity a secret. I am happy to
weigh in on your love lives. One eight hundred five
two zero one five three four. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty kf I.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to
welcome my Instagram audience. If you have Instagram, open up
the app right now, search doctor Wendy Walsh and you
can come in the studio with us. As you know,
I'm about to take your calls with your relationship questions.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero
(28:46):
one five three four. Okay, So let's start with who
do we have first?
Speaker 3 (28:53):
Weish?
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Okay, tell me with the question. Amy. Hi, Amy, It's
doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3 (28:58):
Hi, Doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
What's your question?
Speaker 2 (29:01):
So I just recently got back into the dating world
and I'm dating a few.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Guys A few. How many guys are you dating?
Speaker 3 (29:08):
I'm dating three different guys right now, that's a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Okay, how are you gonna make it? Okay? Get you
a question.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
I find myself attracted mostly to the guy who does
the least, and I just want to know why that does?
Speaker 1 (29:21):
What?
Speaker 4 (29:23):
Who does the least?
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Out of the three guys?
Speaker 2 (29:24):
I feel like this one guy, he's doing the least,
and I'm attracted to him.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
The most doing the least, meaning that but the guys
who are are more emotionally avoidant maybe or so let
me explain amy what what's going on here? First of all,
people of all genders value something they have to work for. Right,
So if you have two guys chasing you and one
(29:49):
who's a kind of you know, lacks of daisical, who's
not doing any work, not setting up the dates, not
calling a lot, You're like, oh why? And you imagine
that he is being pursued by lots of women, so
he's women approved. You assume that he must have high
self confidence. Do not have to be chasing you that hard.
(30:10):
I'm going to ask you to use his behavior as
a model for yourself, because the truth is you want
to behave that way with other people. You want to
have lots of self esteem. You want to be busy
and happy and get back to them when you can.
And I also want to give one other little bit
of advice. Those other two guys who might be pursuing
(30:33):
you might be the nicest guys in the world, and
you should give them a chance, because focusing on the
one that's less available is only going to cause you heartbreak,
only going to cause you heartbreak. All Right, The number
is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
I see Kayles screening a call one eight hundred five
(30:55):
two zero one five three four. Feel free to give
me a call for now. Let me go to the
DM on Instagram. Okay, dear doctor Wendy, My girlfriend still
has old pictures of her ex on her Instagram. She
says it's her past and she doesn't delete memories. Should
I care? Well, Okay, I got a bunch of questions
(31:17):
about this. First of all, some people do use their
social media as a photo album that is part of
their past. But I think there's ways, there's a technical
way to have them not show up on your grid
but still be there for your do there is that true?
I think there is right, So all you need to
say to her is don't show them publicly.
Speaker 3 (31:36):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
You can save them for yourself in one of those
files that are there, but don't show them publicly. And
I think that's perfectly okay. Right? Should you care? These
questions are so interesting asking me if your feelings are valid?
You know, if they're there and they're yours and they're valid.
(31:58):
Should you care?
Speaker 4 (32:00):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (32:00):
Because this is who you are and you want to
be number one in her life. You don't want to
appear in a photo album with past guys, So just
ask her to hide those publicly in a nice way. Elly,
you love her? This bothers you, all right, Dear doctor Wendy.
And by the way, you can send a DM on
(32:21):
Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh. If I don't get to
it this week, I'll get to it next week. Dear
doctor Wendy. My partner and I live together, but when
we argue, he threatens to break up or move out.
It feels manipulative. Am I overreacting? No? You are not overreacting.
You two need to set a ground rule. It is
(32:42):
entirely unhealthy to threaten divorce or a breakup or moving
out whenever there's a fight, because what he's really saying
is I want this fight to end because I'm really uncomfortable.
And the way that I'm going to make it end
is I'm going to scare you. So you're going to
(33:03):
be too afraid to argue back to me. Right, So
that's what that means. And you've got to be able
to say to him, don't scare me with that. That's
going to be a ground rule, by the way, you
should talk about it when you're not fighting. Just say,
we need to have a ground rule that you can't say,
you can't threaten to break up or divorce or whatever
during a fight. That should be across the board for everybody. Okay.
(33:26):
The numbers one, eight hundred and five, two zero, one,
five three four produced Kayla. Who do we have now?
Yellow Feather? Yellow feather, Yellow Feather? Did your mother name
you that? Did your mother name you that?
Speaker 4 (33:39):
My grandfather?
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Really?
Speaker 1 (33:41):
Where are you from?
Speaker 4 (33:42):
Yeah? South Dakorota?
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Oh? Are you native?
Speaker 4 (33:46):
Yeah? Yes, I am Yay.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
How exciting, yellow Feather. I'm honored to meet you. How exciting. Okay,
what's your question you have?
Speaker 4 (33:59):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Yeah? Wow?
Speaker 4 (34:01):
My radio.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
On your radio?
Speaker 4 (34:05):
Yeah, I live here, I live here in Los Angeles.
Now I'm in her since twenty twenty one. Oh great,
or two thousand and one? Two one?
Speaker 1 (34:14):
All right, what's your relationship question, Yellow Feather?
Speaker 4 (34:18):
It's about my ex. She's always lying.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
Your ax is lying? What lies?
Speaker 4 (34:24):
He's always Okay. In twenty twelve, we broke up. We
have a now we have a nineteen year old daughter, okay,
And she tells me all kinds of crazy stuff that, oh,
I'm not, I'm not. She's not receiving child support. The
Social Security says different.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Oh, she's arguing about money, and no.
Speaker 4 (34:50):
She just she just tells me that she's not she's
not receiving it.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
So here's what I want to say. Here's what I
want to say to you, Yellow Feather. Sometimes when people
break up, they stay in relationship, but now through conflict
rather than love. There are two important facts that you
just told me. One is you refer to this person
as your ex, so there's no reason to be in
(35:18):
relationship with her. The only reason would be a minor child.
But then the next thing you told me is that
your daughter is nineteen years old, she's an adult. I
know you worry that your ex is lying. To your
daughter and trying to pollute her brain against you. All
kinds of evil parents exes do this to their kids.
(35:40):
I promise you your daughter knows the truth. If all
you do is keep in relationship with your daughter and
keep telling her how much you love her, and tell
her whenever she brings up mom says this, Mom says,
just say to her, that's between two adults. Honey, that's
not to do with you. You shouldn't have to worry
about those things. You know, I love you. Just say
(36:02):
that and then do not talk to this X again. No,
don't do it. All right when we come back, I'll
continue to take your calls and answer your social media questions.
The numbers one eight hundred and five two zero one,
five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
(36:26):
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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