Dr. Wendy is covering the Diddy trial, and the prickly path to single parent dating. PLUS we're getting some Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio Appy I Am six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Waalsh Show. If you're new to my show, I'm a
psychology professor at cal State Channel Islands. I have a
PhD in clinical psychology and I've written three books on
relationships and I'm obsessed with the science of love. And
(00:24):
sometimes love can take it dark turn. Sometimes love is
sex that's wanted, sex that's unwanted. You know where I'm
going with this. This is the week that Sean Diddy
Combs is going on trial in federal court. It is
scheduled to start. Jury selection is scheduled to start tomorrow
(00:44):
in Manhattan. He is charged with sex trafficking and racketeering.
He's pleaded not guilty. Now I should tell you there
are also dozens and dozens of civil suits. But what
I've heard is that the jury will not be a
to hear anything about those civil suits, and I guess
the criminal trial will happen first. If convicted, he could
(01:07):
face life in prison. Are you saying to yourself?
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Who?
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Well, that's because the person I'm talking about as many
different names. Puff Daddy that was his original stage name
when he founded a record label called bad Boy Records
back in nineteen ninety three. Then in two thousand and
one he became p Diddy, and then in two thousand
(01:32):
and five he dropped the pe and became Ditty. Thought
he could connect with his fans better. In two thousand
and twenty seventeen, sorry, he announced yet another name change,
this time brother Love Kaylik. Did you know that? He
also did a very very short period of time changed
(01:54):
his name to swag Swag That one I missed. It
was very very short. He has a clothing line named
Sean John Combs, which is probably his real name right,
and his real name Sean Combs, which he prefers in
certain kinds of roles. I don't know what he prefers
in the courthouse. But it made me think about people
(02:16):
who change their names. Now. I know, with performers, and
you look at how often they change their name, it's
not necessarily pathological. They could just be being creative. They
could maybe be evolving personally. When you evolve in the
public eye in order to show people that you're a
different person. That's one way to do it. Now, in
some rare cases, it might be a red flag for instability,
(02:39):
but we don't know for sure. Think of other people
like Prince. Did you know Prince? Actually his real first
name was Prince Prince Rogers Nelson, who Prince sounded better.
He changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol in nineteen
ninety three and then was were referred to as the
(03:01):
artist formerly known as Prince. But in the year two
thousand he returned to Prince. Some people say it was
partly to protest his record label, that's why he did
the initial change, and it was a power struggle over
his initial over his artistic freedom. Then there's David Bowie.
(03:21):
David Robert Jones is his real name, David Robert Jones.
Guess what. He changed his name to, David Bowie because
there was another famous singer at the time, Davy Jones
of the Monkeys, Hey, Hey, with the Monkeys. No, you
do remember Dakia And later he adopted a range of
(03:42):
personas Ziggy stardust aladdinsaying the thin white Duke.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
I would say that most of his transformations were just
artistic expressions, right, That's who David Bowie was. And then
there is a gentleman named born Kanye Omari west One.
He changed his name to Yay get it con Ya.
He described yay as the most commonly used word in
(04:09):
the Bible, meaning you okay. So some psychologists might see
it as like a symbolic shedding of his ego or
even a sign of grandiosity. We don't know. That's for
the celebrities, but for the rest of us, Kayla, have
you known people who changed their name? Yes, I met
(04:31):
one person who changed her name and why.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
I don't think she liked her life growing up, and
I think she wanted to just create a whole name
vulter for herself.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
We also know that people who go through gender transition
often leave their old name behind, which is referred to
as their dead name and they transition. I know one
person in particular who changed your name, and that is
Laurence Sanchez, Jeff Bezos fiance. And many people don't know
this that her actual name is Wendy Sanchez. And when
(05:04):
I was hosting Extra, she came on board as a
reporter and the executive producer said, well, we can hire you,
but we already have a Wendy on the air. You
have to change your name. So it was an easy
fix for her because Lauren was her middle name. So
she just switched to Lauren. And when I saw her
a few years ago, I said, oh my god, I
still feel so bad about that, and she goes, I
(05:24):
don't even know who Wendy was. I don't even remember
that girl. That's all Lauren now. So sometimes people change
names because, as I mentioned, they're transitioning gender. Sometimes they
have to for professional reasons. Some people have a name
where there's stigma attached to it. Maybe they come from
(05:44):
that family you know, that everyone knows about, so they
change their name so they don't have to deal with
the reputation for family dysfunction. Some people might change their
name because they're a survivor of domestic violence and they
want safety, and psychologists will probably call that post dramatic
growth or a coping strategy. Right, Lots of people change
(06:08):
their name online. They love to be anonymous online. Right
in digital spaces, lots of people craft user names that
reflect aspirational or performative identities. You know, like you'll see
you know, girl Boss number one or whatever, you know,
like they this is who they want to be, right,
(06:29):
and you know this is them just managing their social
image out there. There are a few people who actually
have some narcissistic tendencies. Maybe they crave attention, attention seeking behavior,
and so if you see a lot of repeated or
dramatic name changes, especially in personal and small social contexts,
(06:53):
it could be this need for control, admiration, novelty. Sometimes
people will change their social media names just to provoke intrigue. Right,
this could be linked, we don't know for sure, to
narcissistic trait self concept. Here's another interesting one with a
(07:14):
friend of mine, we were touring a what do you
call it, like a kind of assisted living facility, but
a community of people over the age of fifty five,
so they obviously don't need assistance until they get much older.
But she was touring it for her mom, on her
mom's behalf, and we noticed that on the door. So
people had their own apartments right until they couldn't live independently,
(07:37):
but when they could, and they had a little like
a name tag on their door so people would know.
It's like dorm, right, who was in this dorm?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Right?
Speaker 1 (07:44):
And the person giving us the tour said, Oh, you know,
it's really common that a lot of new guests change
their names, like they want to have a new identity.
They're moving into a new life, so they just say,
why not, I'll just start with a new I don't know.
Sometimes people change their names because they want to fit
(08:05):
in more. Maybe they're an immigrant and they want to assimilate, right,
so they want a name that will fit in with
the culture. That was very, very common on Ellis Island.
People came over in the beginning of America and their
names were hard to pronounce, so they took on something else,
right Anyway, I just think it's interesting that puff Daddy,
(08:27):
p ditty whatever it all starts tomorrow at least jury
selection and all eyes will be although they're not going
to allow cameras in the courtroom, I don't think on
this one. I'm pretty sure they're not. So we're not
going to have an OJ play by play on this.
There's going to be no series about it, but we
will be reported in the news for sure, for sure,
(08:48):
and I will keep you abreast as we continue. Alrighty
when we come back. Recently a publication asked me about
single parent data and let me tell you, having been
one of those, it is a prickly path. If you're
a single parent and you're thinking of entering the dating world,
(09:09):
let's talk about it when we come back. You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Well, if you're
new to my show, you may not know that I
was a single mother for nearly two decades, nearly twenty years.
I'm so happy that I found the love of my
life after my nest was empty. Here's the thing. I
stayed single all those years. Not that I didn't have
(09:44):
a few little romantic compartments, just saying because I read
the most disturbing statistic. It said that one of the
most dangerous places for a child to live in America
is in a home with a non biologically related male. Gentlemen,
we love you, We especially love the ones who protect us.
(10:07):
We love the amazing stepfathers out there. You guys are
great guys, but there's a bunch of others that are
not so great. Apparently, if a child that lives in
a home with a non biologically related male mommy's boyfriend,
mommy's husband, step brother, they have eight times the risk
(10:29):
of sexual or physical abuse. And I had two little girls,
I and also you should know before they came along,
I made some very bad romantic choices in my life.
And the last thing I was going to do is
expose my kids to a poor romantic choice that I
(10:49):
might make. The other thing ca I'll throw it out here.
Little ego moment is that I noticed that when a
woman has kids, her mate status goes down. Her value,
her mate value goes down because there were dudes hitting
up on me. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait, you
would not even think to talk to me before I
(11:12):
had kids. It's like they saw me vulnerable as a
single mom. I thought, oh, maybe I can get somebody
out of my league. But here's the other news, ladies,
if you are a single mom, once the kids are grown,
your mate status goes right back up because peers are
attracted to peers across the lifespan. It's a small group.
Bill Belichick who go much younger Shannon Sharp. But for
(11:38):
the most part, people want a best friend. They want
somebody who's a biological peer. So if you have a
high mate value when you were twenty five, you're going
to have high mate value when you're forty five amongst
other forty five year olds, Right, That's just how it goes.
So recently I was asked by a reporter to give
advice on single parents and dating, and my take is
(12:04):
very simple. Children should not be involved in an adult's
romantic life, trying to explain the very adult and complicated
nuances about even things like well, you know, I set
a boundary with him, honey, aren't you proud of me?
This is way beyond anything a child can take in.
(12:26):
The most important thing a parent can do is not
share their feelings. Maybe a date has ghosted them, or
if they're full of joy at the beginning of a
new relationship, it's fake, you know, it's less. It's a
cocktail of neural hormones at the beginning. This is not
the time to come home and go honey, I'm in
(12:46):
love and tell you're eight year old. They're not going
to be cheering for you. This can help a child
feel completely dysregulated. They're worried. They're worried if someone ghosted you.
They're going to be worried that their parent is sad.
They're going to be worried that they're the parent is
leaving them for somebody else. And let me just say this,
the research is clear, a revolving door of parental figures
(13:10):
is the worst thing for kids. Kids thrive on consistency.
Even one steady, consistent single parent can be better than
a revolving door of parental figures. So let's say you
are a single parent and you have been dating somebody.
(13:33):
The next question you're going to say, well, when I
wait to they're all grown up before I introduce them.
When is the right time to introduce your adult romantic
partner to your children? Well, I would say the right
time is after you've been dating for at least six months,
maybe even a year, when the couple has decided that
(13:56):
they're going to meet the children, because they might potentially
be creating a blended family, because you know, there are
also people out there that just want to date the
parent and not have the kids involved at all. But
I got to remind you, like it's they're not separate there.
I had two kids like you say, I had commas
that three back right, So yes, if you have a
(14:20):
healthy relationship, yes this is a good thing to do
to model a healthy relationship for your children. But again,
a revolving door of parental figures is the worst thing
for kids. So unless you're sure, sure, sure, don't be
dragging your dates around your kids. I mean, when my
kids were little and I'd be at the park, I
(14:40):
would literally see people on dates with their kids at
the park. But it's not like they were in a stable,
long term relationship. They were like dating and flirting and
talking the whole time, and the kids were just over
on the seesaw, on the swing or whatever. Oh, this
was not cool to me. There is a big misconception
about dating after divorce, and that misconception is that dating
(15:04):
after divorce is the same as dating pre divorce or
a pre marriage like as a single person, it's not.
There are so many people competing for a single parent's time.
If you're thinking of dating a single parent, understand this.
They might have a sick child one day that can
sideline plans for your romantic weekend, and you might have
already paid for it. Their ex could suddenly be a
(15:29):
no show on the childcare and there you go. A
sports coach can schedule a bunch of extra practices mom
or Dad's not available. Right. It's important in my mind
that a single parent understands their priorities and their commitment
to their children. I've always said about parenting, if you
(15:52):
do your job well, you work yourself out of a job, right,
So in order to do that, you've got to be
in the work. A parent cannot date in the same
way that a single person can. They come as a team.
They are not separate from their children, and I think
it's okay, especially if you're sharing child custody with an ex,
(16:16):
to keep your romantic compartment where it belongs. On your
week without the kids, you know, whether you need to
do anything for your mental health, which is, you know,
have some fun when your kids aren't around, or you know,
go to a spa, practice some self care or whatever.
It's best done in private, because this is what parents
need to do to recharge themselves so they can come
(16:37):
back to parenting and they can be fully present. Right.
They don't want to drag their kids through all this stuff, Okay,
I do want to talk a little bit about because
there's this idea like, well, if you're growing and you're
working on a healthy relationship, and you're maybe in therapy
and you're learning to have good relationship skills, then this
(17:00):
is good for your kids to see this. No, you
know what your kids need. They need you to mirror
back their feelings to them. They need you to give
them language for their feelings, right to show empathy. Right,
And we are humans, we're parents, we're humans. We big
(17:21):
mistakes when we become emotionally deregulated, then it's great to
model how to apologize later, how to work things out,
help children process their feelings right. I don't think a
single parent, a parent with children, is ready to date
(17:41):
until the children have overcome the trauma of divorce, the
children are on a consistent schedule with secure attachment figures
who will be caring for them, and when the parent
has done the work, hopefully with a professional therapist, to
ensure that they won't expose their kids to a bad
romantic choice they might make. And if I am any
(18:05):
example of that, I can't tell you how great it
is to have my kids launched and have found the
love of my life and got married last year. So
I waited. It was worth it. It was absolutely worth it. Hey,
when we come back. Are dog lovers? Maybe you're a
(18:25):
dog lover, Maybe you have a pet. Are dog lovers
compensating for a lack of healthy personal relationships? There's new
research on this I can't wait to tell you about.
You're listening to the Dr Wendy wallsh Show on I
Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (18:42):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
KFI AM six forty, you have Dr Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Dr Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to
welcome my TikTok audience. If you'd like to come in
the studio with me and see what's going on, just
log onto TikTok. My account is doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay,
there's new research out. First of all, I have to
tell you one of my guilty pleasures is I like
(19:10):
to scroll around Zelo in certain towns and neighborhoods in
America that I imagine I'm going to be moving to someday,
and I like to look at the pictures because I'm
looking at the decorating, I'm looking at the architecture, I'm
comparing it to prices. But every once in a while,
a real litter went in there and took those pictures
(19:30):
before the place was staged. And I was looking at
a house yesterday and I could zoom in to the
pictures that this I assume elderly lady had on her
fridge and in frames in her office and her bedroom
and the giant portrait over the fireplace, and every single
(19:55):
one of them was a picture of her dog. Okay, Kaylie,
you rolled your eyes of that, or one of her dogs,
maybe her dead dog. I know there's a bunch of
dogs in there. And I thought to myself, Oh my god,
the poor old lady. She's selling her house and she
has no pictures of grandkids, no pictures of her kids,
just pictures of animals on the fridge, framed in her office,
(20:17):
beside her bed, over the fireplace. I'm not going to
tell you where this house was, I'm just saying. So
I immediately made that assumption that I know you're thinking,
oh my gosh, she doesn't have any healthy, good relationships,
so she had to rely on her dog. Now, if
you are a dog lover, I have good news for you.
(20:38):
There's new research out that actually challenges the perception that
dog lovers are isolated people and replace human relationships with
animal relationships. This new research study was published in Scientific Reports,
And what they did is they looked at more than
seven hundred people who had filled out surveys before, and
(20:59):
they were asked to rate thirteen relationship characteristics okay, regarding
potential partners their child. Okay, so if they have a
relationship with their child, they had to rate it. There
were thirteen questions. Also, they had to ask answer questions
about their primary romantic relationship and to their closest relative
(21:23):
and their best friend. Oh and they had to answer
the same thirteen questions about their dog. All right, So
here's what they found. First of all, the dog owner
dog relationship was actually an interesting mix of both a
child and a best friend relationship That made a lot
of sense actually, So there were aspects of it's my
(21:44):
baby and my child and you know, a friendship where
there's not a lot of negativity. Yeah, sounds like that.
But then they also had high levels of control. You
don't control your best friend. I hope like you do
your dog. The owners rated their relationship with their dog
(22:06):
as superior to any human bond. Okay, however, and this
is the big one, the study also found that there
was a high correlation between people who had healthy, secure
relationships with humans and people who rated their relationship with
their dog is good. In other words, happy people have
(22:29):
happy relationships, whether it's with your spouse, your kid, or
your dog. Right, So it's not it's not that they're
these shut ins alone replacing human relationships with animal relationships.
I do want to say that my husband in Julio
and I we don't have any indoor animals. And there
(22:51):
are two reasons we have outdoor animals. I have goats,
I have chickens. Here's why. Number one, we really really
like clean houses. And everybody I know who has dogs
spends half their day picking up dog hare, vacuuming it up,
using the little sticky roller thing on the sofa, taking
it off their clothes all the time, all the dog hare.
(23:13):
I just don't want to do that. So that's the
first thing. I like a clean house. The second thing
is all of us were really active involved parents, sometimes
single parents, and taking on another kid, right now is not.
We kind of done that right, And then I look
at the people who are deep dog lovers and what
hoops they have to jump through to travel. So we
(23:35):
also like to travel, So we like to have a
clean house, We don't want to take care of anything,
and we want to travel. So that's the only reason.
Doesn't mean we hate animals. I'm just saying this is
why at the stage of our lives, we do not
have any indoor animals. So one of the things the
researchers did find in their research sit down if You're
(23:56):
a dog lover, is that there was a greater power
imbalance toward the owner when they were in a relationship
with their dog. Duh. Unlike in human relationships where you
do have to negotiate, dog owners maintain full control over
their dogs. They make all the decisions for their dog,
(24:16):
and the people reported that this made them very happy.
They have high satisfaction. Compared to humans, the relationship with
dogs involve fewer conflicts and minimal negative interaction. See are
they avoiding? Just wondering and even the researchers mentioned this.
(24:37):
One caveat that their sample consisted of volunteers who wanted
to participate in this kind of research and were more
satisfied in their relationships than maybe the average dog owners. So,
in other words, the study might not have fully captured
what's really going on. So back to to the house
(25:02):
that was for sale, I think I was right, and
I'll tell you why. I think I was right the
pictures of only animals because she would have mixed it in, right,
there would have been pictures of her kids, her grandkids,
and maybe a picture of her poodle. Right, But she
only had pictures of her dogs on the fridge beside
her bed. Yeah, I know. I felt sad for her. Anyway,
(25:28):
I think that real liter should go in and stage
that place. And that is my secret secret love going
on to Zillo, going inside people's houses. We all do it,
and I'd love to complain. What I've learned is that
most Americans don't have to decorate. I love to decorate.
I went to the Pasadena Design House last week. Gorgeous.
I love to decorate, but most people don't. An apparently
(25:52):
lazy boy is still doing very well. Just gonna say
a lot of big leather armchairs. Hey, when we come back,
I am going to be taking your car and answering
your relationship questions. Just reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm
a psychology professor, but I've written three books on relationships
and wrote my dissertation on attachment theory. So if you'd
like to give me a call and have me weigh
in with my lifetime of wisdom, I'd be happy to
(26:14):
do that. The number is one eight hundred five two
zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. When you call that number, Producer
Kayla is gonna get on the phone and then you'll
be passed on to me. You can change your name
if you want. You can be anonymous. I know these
(26:35):
are tender topics, but if you have a relationship question,
feel free to call one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (26:49):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show, and I am
taking your calls. If you need a little relationship advice,
a little bit of wisdom. Let me weigh in with
my life experience and my years as a relationship journalist.
All right, the number is one eight hundred five two
(27:16):
zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five
to zero one five three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who
do we have? First? We have Austin with a question. Austin, Hi, Austin,
it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3 (27:28):
Hey, doctor Rindy. How are you.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
I'm good? What's your question? Love?
Speaker 3 (27:33):
So my question is so okay, So I'm in Virginia. Okay.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
First of all, Austin, I love your accent in Virginia.
Just gonna say, oh, well, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
So me and my husband, my husband and I we
have been together for ten years, maybe for seven okay,
And let me just say, doctor Rendy, we have a
huge age difference. He's like forty years older than I am.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Your husband is forty years older than you.
Speaker 3 (27:59):
Oh than I am?
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Yes, Okay, it's working out. You've been together a decade.
Speaker 3 (28:05):
Yeah, I mean it's it's worked out thus far, you know.
But here's but here's the problem, doctor Rendy. He wants
to move out of the country. I will say we
we live we live separately. We only see each other
like every weekend, okay, because we believe that once we
get together, our time together is really good quality time,
(28:30):
you know, communicate and it.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Works for you. So he wants to move out of
the country and you don't, Yes, that is.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
That's the problem. The reason I don't is because I
am an attorney here in Virginia. I don't want to
go to another country and for another job. But I
want to And and he's and he's he's tired, obviously,
you know he doesn't have.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
You see, Austin. This is the problem with age gap
relationationships is that the life span takes on different different things. Right,
So he's already retired. You're at the height of your
career as an attorney, and he's going like, hey, let's
retire to Thailand. Where does he want to go?
Speaker 3 (29:12):
By the way, he wants to go to London, which
is not a horrible place to go.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
I know you don't have your license to practice, You're
not a barrister in London, right, so it literally it's
giving up your whole career. Now. I will say one thing,
Austin Virginia to London is only a six hour flight.
And if you're only seeing each other on weekends, you
can still keep this up. I mean, not every weekend
twice a month obviously.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
Yeah. Yeah, Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
Are you ready to be single, Austin, That's what I
want to know. Are you ready to be single?
Speaker 3 (29:43):
Well, I think that I will, Doctor Suster rendy w
Here's the thing. I think I'm married too soon, you know.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Yeah, Well, so you know, first of all, do you
believe again until death do us part? I mean, first
of all, that's a myth.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
No, yeah, no, absolutely not. Like I mean, obviously he's
going to die before I do. If you know it,
nothing doesn't happen.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
So the question is whether this will be the catalyst
for you to say it's time for my next big
relationship exactly.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
And we do, I mean, like I will say, like
we do have an open marriage, like, but we have bandbreathes.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
You know, people with open marriages have rules.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
Yeah yeah, yeah, but you know it's pretty healthy. But
you know, but that's the only problem that we're having
right now.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
It's a tough one for you.
Speaker 3 (30:33):
The reason he wants to move is just because of
the political criment.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
I know a lot of people want to leave because
of political Austin. Let me tell you. Look, I want
you to do some deep soul searching on this one,
because you've been together ten years and I know there's
a part of you that feels like that's an investment.
But I could say I could look at it in
another way and say it's culminating. Now life is changing
(30:58):
and you're not ready to move out of the country.
You could also just do that thing that people do.
Let's just see what happens. We'll just have a move
and see what happens, and then your unconscious will slowly
break you up, or you'll move to London. Something will happen. Awestin,
thank you for calling. That's a tough one. Isn't that
a tough one? Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have next?
We have Chelsea with a question. Okay, Hi Chelsea, it's
(31:20):
doctor Wendy.
Speaker 5 (31:22):
Hi.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
How are you? I try to question?
Speaker 5 (31:27):
My question is that when my Piante and I try
to resolve something, he pretty much is like done.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
You know, it's done, it's over. You know he feels
like there doesn't need to be a more discussion.
Speaker 5 (31:44):
I feel like I feel like I need to be acknowledged.
He things I'm going on, but I just I don't
feel it that way.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
I feel like, you want resolution, you want to be.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Heard, right, you want to process. So what is it that? Like?
Why does a conflict does? Why does it feel? How
do I word it? What does he do to stop
the conflict? What does he do to stop the conflict?
Speaker 2 (32:11):
He just says it's done, it's over, and it's like,
you know, it's not getting anywhere, And I go, but
you didn't hear me out this? And then he feels
like I'm beating a dead horse of going on. But
I should, but I wasn't acknowledged in the first place.
I mean he's right here too.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Okay, So here's the thing, you know, later in the show,
I'm going to have a great guy on tonight who
wrote a book called The All or Nothing Marriage, and
he's got some marriage hacks. But I do want to
say this about and one of them I think has
to do with conflict. Because we were talking earlier, so
I do want to say this is that So my
(32:48):
husband hates conflict. So what he does is he stops
it by taking all the blame. He'll go, all right,
I'm sorry, I'll do better later, and he just stops it,
and I'm like, but we have and processed, you know,
like I want to understand what you were feeling when
you made that statement to me, because I perceived it
as this, but maybe that's really not what was happening, right,
(33:10):
And so I think if there's a way without criticizing
him that you can say, we will grow closer if
we make sure we're both heard deeply and just say
I want to understand you no more. I want to
understand what you meant when you said that. And so
try as hard as you can to have great empathy
(33:31):
for each other. And also know that you're imagining a
lot of the stuff that you think is negative, and
he's imagining some of the stuff that we think is negative.
It has to do with our early life stuff. So
just you know, try to get him to just get
to the feelings. That's what you should do. Just get
to the feelings underneath the statements. It'll make a big,
(33:53):
big difference. Chelsea, thank you for calling. All right, doctor Wendy, Yes,
we also have a talk back question. We have a
talk that question. Okay, go ahead, When do.
Speaker 6 (34:01):
You get read that that study and isn't it true
that the child parent relationship equaled that of the relationship
with the dog, except that children grow up and then
they're not children anymore and that changes. Is that correct?
Speaker 1 (34:22):
Well, he's talking about the study I just quoted that
said that people who have good, healthy relationships with humans
often have good healthy relationships with their dogs. But in addition,
the relationship with the dog is partially like a relationship
with a child. This listener says, but dogs never grow up,
and kids do grow up and leave you. Actually the opposite.
(34:44):
Dogs don't live as long as kids, and so people
are dealing when they're dealing with the loss of an animal,
it's like they're dealing with the loss of a child. Right.
Dogs may not grow up and progress. I know what
you're saying. It's like you can't teach them and then
they get better and better at things. I mean, some
of them do treats. But for the most part, the
parent child relationship is going to last a whole lot
(35:05):
longer than the parent dog. Are they a parent parent
dog relationship? But thank you for that talkback? Okay, do
I have time to take a social media question? R? Well, okay,
let me go to social media because I saw some
dms come in Dear Doctor Wendy. I connected with a
high value mate and my best friend got really jealous
(35:28):
and began tearing me down. This is the first time
she did something like this, but it really hurt my feelings.
Why would she do this? I'll tell you why she's jealous.
She's envious. You know what I wrote? I wrote My
first book was called The Boyfriend Test, How do we
evaluate his potential before you Lose your Heart? The second
one was called The Girlfriend Test? How Datable are You?
(35:50):
The third one was called The Thirty Day Love Detocs.
But in the first one, I think it was the
first one. In the Boyfriend Test, I asked a question
does your girlfriend group port your love life or support
your single life? Because I noticed, back when I was
young and single that sometimes I would meet a super
great guy and they were jealous, not only jealous that
(36:12):
they wish they could meet a mate like that, but
also they were worried about abandonment, that I was going
to leave them for somebody else. Because the girl group,
especially the best friends, are also emotional lifelines. They're supportive,
and so if the reason why she you know, you
got to get over the hard feelings and get into
(36:33):
her headspace and know that she's feeling feelings of loss
over this, and she probably needs closeness from you. That's
my guess. And I would say that somebody online has
just asked me on Instagram when my partner triggers me,
I react in anger without thinking and say hurtful things,
how can I help this? This means that you are
(36:54):
being triggered not by them, but by early childhood experiences,
and working with a licensed therapist is one of the
best things you can do because you'll be able to
figure out with your therapists, like what are the things
that make you really go off or really react, and
you'll have memories about what this thing was that caused it,
so you can understand it's probably not about your partner.
(37:17):
The other thing is styles of conflict are often learned
and modeled in households, so maybe that's potentially what you
witnessed growing up. I just want to say that, all right,
do I have time? I don't know where we're at
with clockwise, no time to go. All right, when we
come back, I'm going to go to social media. I've
got a whole bunch of dms that came in with
great relationship questions. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy
(37:40):
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Alive everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh.
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio Appy I Am six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Waalsh Show. If you're new to my show, I'm a
psychology professor at cal State Channel Islands. I have a
PhD in clinical psychology and I've written three books on
relationships and I'm obsessed with the science of love. And
(00:24):
sometimes love can take it dark turn. Sometimes love is
sex that's wanted, sex that's unwanted. You know where I'm
going with this. This is the week that Sean Diddy
Combs is going on trial in federal court. It is
scheduled to start. Jury selection is scheduled to start tomorrow
(00:44):
in Manhattan. He is charged with sex trafficking and racketeering.
He's pleaded not guilty. Now I should tell you there
are also dozens and dozens of civil suits. But what
I've heard is that the jury will not be a
to hear anything about those civil suits, and I guess
the criminal trial will happen first. If convicted, he could
(01:07):
face life in prison. Are you saying to yourself?
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Who?
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Well, that's because the person I'm talking about as many
different names. Puff Daddy that was his original stage name
when he founded a record label called bad Boy Records
back in nineteen ninety three. Then in two thousand and
one he became p Diddy, and then in two thousand
(01:32):
and five he dropped the pe and became Ditty. Thought
he could connect with his fans better. In two thousand
and twenty seventeen, sorry, he announced yet another name change,
this time brother Love Kaylik. Did you know that? He
also did a very very short period of time changed
(01:54):
his name to swag Swag That one I missed. It
was very very short. He has a clothing line named
Sean John Combs, which is probably his real name right,
and his real name Sean Combs, which he prefers in
certain kinds of roles. I don't know what he prefers
in the courthouse. But it made me think about people
(02:16):
who change their names. Now. I know, with performers, and
you look at how often they change their name, it's
not necessarily pathological. They could just be being creative. They
could maybe be evolving personally. When you evolve in the
public eye in order to show people that you're a
different person. That's one way to do it. Now, in
some rare cases, it might be a red flag for instability,
(02:39):
but we don't know for sure. Think of other people
like Prince. Did you know Prince? Actually his real first
name was Prince Prince Rogers Nelson, who Prince sounded better.
He changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol in nineteen
ninety three and then was were referred to as the
(03:01):
artist formerly known as Prince. But in the year two
thousand he returned to Prince. Some people say it was
partly to protest his record label, that's why he did
the initial change, and it was a power struggle over
his initial over his artistic freedom. Then there's David Bowie.
(03:21):
David Robert Jones is his real name, David Robert Jones.
Guess what. He changed his name to, David Bowie because
there was another famous singer at the time, Davy Jones
of the Monkeys, Hey, Hey, with the Monkeys. No, you
do remember Dakia And later he adopted a range of
(03:42):
personas Ziggy stardust aladdinsaying the thin white Duke.
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
I would say that most of his transformations were just
artistic expressions, right, That's who David Bowie was. And then
there is a gentleman named born Kanye Omari west One.
He changed his name to Yay get it con Ya.
He described yay as the most commonly used word in
(04:09):
the Bible, meaning you okay. So some psychologists might see
it as like a symbolic shedding of his ego or
even a sign of grandiosity. We don't know. That's for
the celebrities, but for the rest of us, Kayla, have
you known people who changed their name? Yes, I met
(04:31):
one person who changed her name and why.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
I don't think she liked her life growing up, and
I think she wanted to just create a whole name
vulter for herself.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
We also know that people who go through gender transition
often leave their old name behind, which is referred to
as their dead name and they transition. I know one
person in particular who changed your name, and that is
Laurence Sanchez, Jeff Bezos fiance. And many people don't know
this that her actual name is Wendy Sanchez. And when
(05:04):
I was hosting Extra, she came on board as a
reporter and the executive producer said, well, we can hire you,
but we already have a Wendy on the air. You
have to change your name. So it was an easy
fix for her because Lauren was her middle name. So
she just switched to Lauren. And when I saw her
a few years ago, I said, oh my god, I
still feel so bad about that, and she goes, I
(05:24):
don't even know who Wendy was. I don't even remember
that girl. That's all Lauren now. So sometimes people change
names because, as I mentioned, they're transitioning gender. Sometimes they
have to for professional reasons. Some people have a name
where there's stigma attached to it. Maybe they come from
(05:44):
that family you know, that everyone knows about, so they
change their name so they don't have to deal with
the reputation for family dysfunction. Some people might change their
name because they're a survivor of domestic violence and they
want safety, and psychologists will probably call that post dramatic
growth or a coping strategy. Right, Lots of people change
(06:08):
their name online. They love to be anonymous online. Right
in digital spaces, lots of people craft user names that
reflect aspirational or performative identities. You know, like you'll see
you know, girl Boss number one or whatever, you know,
like they this is who they want to be, right,
(06:29):
and you know this is them just managing their social
image out there. There are a few people who actually
have some narcissistic tendencies. Maybe they crave attention, attention seeking behavior,
and so if you see a lot of repeated or
dramatic name changes, especially in personal and small social contexts,
(06:53):
it could be this need for control, admiration, novelty. Sometimes
people will change their social media names just to provoke intrigue. Right,
this could be linked, we don't know for sure, to
narcissistic trait self concept. Here's another interesting one with a
(07:14):
friend of mine, we were touring a what do you
call it, like a kind of assisted living facility, but
a community of people over the age of fifty five,
so they obviously don't need assistance until they get much older.
But she was touring it for her mom, on her
mom's behalf, and we noticed that on the door. So
people had their own apartments right until they couldn't live independently,
(07:37):
but when they could, and they had a little like
a name tag on their door so people would know.
It's like dorm, right, who was in this dorm?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Right?
Speaker 1 (07:44):
And the person giving us the tour said, Oh, you know,
it's really common that a lot of new guests change
their names, like they want to have a new identity.
They're moving into a new life, so they just say,
why not, I'll just start with a new I don't know.
Sometimes people change their names because they want to fit
(08:05):
in more. Maybe they're an immigrant and they want to assimilate, right,
so they want a name that will fit in with
the culture. That was very, very common on Ellis Island.
People came over in the beginning of America and their
names were hard to pronounce, so they took on something else,
right Anyway, I just think it's interesting that puff Daddy,
(08:27):
p ditty whatever it all starts tomorrow at least jury
selection and all eyes will be although they're not going
to allow cameras in the courtroom, I don't think on
this one. I'm pretty sure they're not. So we're not
going to have an OJ play by play on this.
There's going to be no series about it, but we
will be reported in the news for sure, for sure,
(08:48):
and I will keep you abreast as we continue. Alrighty
when we come back. Recently a publication asked me about
single parent data and let me tell you, having been
one of those, it is a prickly path. If you're
a single parent and you're thinking of entering the dating world,
(09:09):
let's talk about it when we come back. You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Well, if you're
new to my show, you may not know that I
was a single mother for nearly two decades, nearly twenty years.
I'm so happy that I found the love of my
life after my nest was empty. Here's the thing. I
stayed single all those years. Not that I didn't have
(09:44):
a few little romantic compartments, just saying because I read
the most disturbing statistic. It said that one of the
most dangerous places for a child to live in America
is in a home with a non biologically related male. Gentlemen,
we love you, We especially love the ones who protect us.
(10:07):
We love the amazing stepfathers out there. You guys are
great guys, but there's a bunch of others that are
not so great. Apparently, if a child that lives in
a home with a non biologically related male mommy's boyfriend,
mommy's husband, step brother, they have eight times the risk
(10:29):
of sexual or physical abuse. And I had two little girls,
I and also you should know before they came along,
I made some very bad romantic choices in my life.
And the last thing I was going to do is
expose my kids to a poor romantic choice that I
(10:49):
might make. The other thing ca I'll throw it out here.
Little ego moment is that I noticed that when a
woman has kids, her mate status goes down. Her value,
her mate value goes down because there were dudes hitting
up on me. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait, you
would not even think to talk to me before I
(11:12):
had kids. It's like they saw me vulnerable as a
single mom. I thought, oh, maybe I can get somebody
out of my league. But here's the other news, ladies,
if you are a single mom, once the kids are grown,
your mate status goes right back up because peers are
attracted to peers across the lifespan. It's a small group.
Bill Belichick who go much younger Shannon Sharp. But for
(11:38):
the most part, people want a best friend. They want
somebody who's a biological peer. So if you have a
high mate value when you were twenty five, you're going
to have high mate value when you're forty five amongst
other forty five year olds, Right, That's just how it goes.
So recently I was asked by a reporter to give
advice on single parents and dating, and my take is
(12:04):
very simple. Children should not be involved in an adult's
romantic life, trying to explain the very adult and complicated
nuances about even things like well, you know, I set
a boundary with him, honey, aren't you proud of me?
This is way beyond anything a child can take in.
(12:26):
The most important thing a parent can do is not
share their feelings. Maybe a date has ghosted them, or
if they're full of joy at the beginning of a
new relationship, it's fake, you know, it's less. It's a
cocktail of neural hormones at the beginning. This is not
the time to come home and go honey, I'm in
(12:46):
love and tell you're eight year old. They're not going
to be cheering for you. This can help a child
feel completely dysregulated. They're worried. They're worried if someone ghosted you.
They're going to be worried that their parent is sad.
They're going to be worried that they're the parent is
leaving them for somebody else. And let me just say this,
the research is clear, a revolving door of parental figures
(13:10):
is the worst thing for kids. Kids thrive on consistency.
Even one steady, consistent single parent can be better than
a revolving door of parental figures. So let's say you
are a single parent and you have been dating somebody.
(13:33):
The next question you're going to say, well, when I
wait to they're all grown up before I introduce them.
When is the right time to introduce your adult romantic
partner to your children? Well, I would say the right
time is after you've been dating for at least six months,
maybe even a year, when the couple has decided that
(13:56):
they're going to meet the children, because they might potentially
be creating a blended family, because you know, there are
also people out there that just want to date the
parent and not have the kids involved at all. But
I got to remind you, like it's they're not separate there.
I had two kids like you say, I had commas
that three back right, So yes, if you have a
(14:20):
healthy relationship, yes this is a good thing to do
to model a healthy relationship for your children. But again,
a revolving door of parental figures is the worst thing
for kids. So unless you're sure, sure, sure, don't be
dragging your dates around your kids. I mean, when my
kids were little and I'd be at the park, I
(14:40):
would literally see people on dates with their kids at
the park. But it's not like they were in a stable,
long term relationship. They were like dating and flirting and
talking the whole time, and the kids were just over
on the seesaw, on the swing or whatever. Oh, this
was not cool to me. There is a big misconception
about dating after divorce, and that misconception is that dating
(15:04):
after divorce is the same as dating pre divorce or
a pre marriage like as a single person, it's not.
There are so many people competing for a single parent's time.
If you're thinking of dating a single parent, understand this.
They might have a sick child one day that can
sideline plans for your romantic weekend, and you might have
already paid for it. Their ex could suddenly be a
(15:29):
no show on the childcare and there you go. A
sports coach can schedule a bunch of extra practices mom
or Dad's not available. Right. It's important in my mind
that a single parent understands their priorities and their commitment
to their children. I've always said about parenting, if you
(15:52):
do your job well, you work yourself out of a job, right,
So in order to do that, you've got to be
in the work. A parent cannot date in the same
way that a single person can. They come as a team.
They are not separate from their children, and I think
it's okay, especially if you're sharing child custody with an ex,
(16:16):
to keep your romantic compartment where it belongs. On your
week without the kids, you know, whether you need to
do anything for your mental health, which is, you know,
have some fun when your kids aren't around, or you know,
go to a spa, practice some self care or whatever.
It's best done in private, because this is what parents
need to do to recharge themselves so they can come
(16:37):
back to parenting and they can be fully present. Right.
They don't want to drag their kids through all this stuff, Okay,
I do want to talk a little bit about because
there's this idea like, well, if you're growing and you're
working on a healthy relationship, and you're maybe in therapy
and you're learning to have good relationship skills, then this
(17:00):
is good for your kids to see this. No, you
know what your kids need. They need you to mirror
back their feelings to them. They need you to give
them language for their feelings, right to show empathy. Right,
And we are humans, we're parents, we're humans. We big
(17:21):
mistakes when we become emotionally deregulated, then it's great to
model how to apologize later, how to work things out,
help children process their feelings right. I don't think a
single parent, a parent with children, is ready to date
(17:41):
until the children have overcome the trauma of divorce, the
children are on a consistent schedule with secure attachment figures
who will be caring for them, and when the parent
has done the work, hopefully with a professional therapist, to
ensure that they won't expose their kids to a bad
romantic choice they might make. And if I am any
(18:05):
example of that, I can't tell you how great it
is to have my kids launched and have found the
love of my life and got married last year. So
I waited. It was worth it. It was absolutely worth it. Hey,
when we come back. Are dog lovers? Maybe you're a
(18:25):
dog lover, Maybe you have a pet. Are dog lovers
compensating for a lack of healthy personal relationships? There's new
research on this I can't wait to tell you about.
You're listening to the Dr Wendy wallsh Show on I
Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (18:42):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
KFI AM six forty, you have Dr Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Dr Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to
welcome my TikTok audience. If you'd like to come in
the studio with me and see what's going on, just
log onto TikTok. My account is doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay,
there's new research out. First of all, I have to
tell you one of my guilty pleasures is I like
(19:10):
to scroll around Zelo in certain towns and neighborhoods in
America that I imagine I'm going to be moving to someday,
and I like to look at the pictures because I'm
looking at the decorating, I'm looking at the architecture, I'm
comparing it to prices. But every once in a while,
a real litter went in there and took those pictures
(19:30):
before the place was staged. And I was looking at
a house yesterday and I could zoom in to the
pictures that this I assume elderly lady had on her
fridge and in frames in her office and her bedroom
and the giant portrait over the fireplace, and every single
(19:55):
one of them was a picture of her dog. Okay, Kaylie,
you rolled your eyes of that, or one of her dogs,
maybe her dead dog. I know there's a bunch of
dogs in there. And I thought to myself, Oh my god,
the poor old lady. She's selling her house and she
has no pictures of grandkids, no pictures of her kids,
just pictures of animals on the fridge, framed in her office,
(20:17):
beside her bed, over the fireplace. I'm not going to
tell you where this house was, I'm just saying. So
I immediately made that assumption that I know you're thinking,
oh my gosh, she doesn't have any healthy, good relationships,
so she had to rely on her dog. Now, if
you are a dog lover, I have good news for you.
(20:38):
There's new research out that actually challenges the perception that
dog lovers are isolated people and replace human relationships with
animal relationships. This new research study was published in Scientific Reports,
And what they did is they looked at more than
seven hundred people who had filled out surveys before, and
(20:59):
they were asked to rate thirteen relationship characteristics okay, regarding
potential partners their child. Okay, so if they have a
relationship with their child, they had to rate it. There
were thirteen questions. Also, they had to ask answer questions
about their primary romantic relationship and to their closest relative
(21:23):
and their best friend. Oh and they had to answer
the same thirteen questions about their dog. All right, So
here's what they found. First of all, the dog owner
dog relationship was actually an interesting mix of both a
child and a best friend relationship That made a lot
of sense actually, So there were aspects of it's my
(21:44):
baby and my child and you know, a friendship where
there's not a lot of negativity. Yeah, sounds like that.
But then they also had high levels of control. You
don't control your best friend. I hope like you do
your dog. The owners rated their relationship with their dog
(22:06):
as superior to any human bond. Okay, however, and this
is the big one, the study also found that there
was a high correlation between people who had healthy, secure
relationships with humans and people who rated their relationship with
their dog is good. In other words, happy people have
(22:29):
happy relationships, whether it's with your spouse, your kid, or
your dog. Right, So it's not it's not that they're
these shut ins alone replacing human relationships with animal relationships.
I do want to say that my husband in Julio
and I we don't have any indoor animals. And there
(22:51):
are two reasons we have outdoor animals. I have goats,
I have chickens. Here's why. Number one, we really really
like clean houses. And everybody I know who has dogs
spends half their day picking up dog hare, vacuuming it up,
using the little sticky roller thing on the sofa, taking
it off their clothes all the time, all the dog hare.
(23:13):
I just don't want to do that. So that's the
first thing. I like a clean house. The second thing
is all of us were really active involved parents, sometimes
single parents, and taking on another kid, right now is not.
We kind of done that right, And then I look
at the people who are deep dog lovers and what
hoops they have to jump through to travel. So we
(23:35):
also like to travel, So we like to have a
clean house, We don't want to take care of anything,
and we want to travel. So that's the only reason.
Doesn't mean we hate animals. I'm just saying this is
why at the stage of our lives, we do not
have any indoor animals. So one of the things the
researchers did find in their research sit down if You're
(23:56):
a dog lover, is that there was a greater power
imbalance toward the owner when they were in a relationship
with their dog. Duh. Unlike in human relationships where you
do have to negotiate, dog owners maintain full control over
their dogs. They make all the decisions for their dog,
(24:16):
and the people reported that this made them very happy.
They have high satisfaction. Compared to humans, the relationship with
dogs involve fewer conflicts and minimal negative interaction. See are
they avoiding? Just wondering and even the researchers mentioned this.
(24:37):
One caveat that their sample consisted of volunteers who wanted
to participate in this kind of research and were more
satisfied in their relationships than maybe the average dog owners. So,
in other words, the study might not have fully captured
what's really going on. So back to to the house
(25:02):
that was for sale, I think I was right, and
I'll tell you why. I think I was right the
pictures of only animals because she would have mixed it in, right,
there would have been pictures of her kids, her grandkids,
and maybe a picture of her poodle. Right, But she
only had pictures of her dogs on the fridge beside
her bed. Yeah, I know. I felt sad for her. Anyway,
(25:28):
I think that real liter should go in and stage
that place. And that is my secret secret love going
on to Zillo, going inside people's houses. We all do it,
and I'd love to complain. What I've learned is that
most Americans don't have to decorate. I love to decorate.
I went to the Pasadena Design House last week. Gorgeous.
I love to decorate, but most people don't. An apparently
(25:52):
lazy boy is still doing very well. Just gonna say
a lot of big leather armchairs. Hey, when we come back,
I am going to be taking your car and answering
your relationship questions. Just reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm
a psychology professor, but I've written three books on relationships
and wrote my dissertation on attachment theory. So if you'd
like to give me a call and have me weigh
in with my lifetime of wisdom, I'd be happy to
(26:14):
do that. The number is one eight hundred five two
zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. When you call that number, Producer
Kayla is gonna get on the phone and then you'll
be passed on to me. You can change your name
if you want. You can be anonymous. I know these
(26:35):
are tender topics, but if you have a relationship question,
feel free to call one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (26:49):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show, and I am
taking your calls. If you need a little relationship advice,
a little bit of wisdom. Let me weigh in with
my life experience and my years as a relationship journalist.
All right, the number is one eight hundred five two
(27:16):
zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five
to zero one five three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who
do we have? First? We have Austin with a question. Austin, Hi, Austin,
it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3 (27:28):
Hey, doctor Rindy. How are you.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
I'm good? What's your question? Love?
Speaker 3 (27:33):
So my question is so okay, So I'm in Virginia. Okay.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
First of all, Austin, I love your accent in Virginia.
Just gonna say, oh, well, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
So me and my husband, my husband and I we
have been together for ten years, maybe for seven okay,
And let me just say, doctor Rendy, we have a
huge age difference. He's like forty years older than I am.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Your husband is forty years older than you.
Speaker 3 (27:59):
Oh than I am?
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Yes, Okay, it's working out. You've been together a decade.
Speaker 3 (28:05):
Yeah, I mean it's it's worked out thus far, you know.
But here's but here's the problem, doctor Rendy. He wants
to move out of the country. I will say we
we live we live separately. We only see each other
like every weekend, okay, because we believe that once we
get together, our time together is really good quality time,
(28:30):
you know, communicate and it.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Works for you. So he wants to move out of
the country and you don't, Yes, that is.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
That's the problem. The reason I don't is because I
am an attorney here in Virginia. I don't want to
go to another country and for another job. But I
want to And and he's and he's he's tired, obviously,
you know he doesn't have.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
You see, Austin. This is the problem with age gap
relationationships is that the life span takes on different different things. Right,
So he's already retired. You're at the height of your
career as an attorney, and he's going like, hey, let's
retire to Thailand. Where does he want to go?
Speaker 3 (29:12):
By the way, he wants to go to London, which
is not a horrible place to go.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
I know you don't have your license to practice, You're
not a barrister in London, right, so it literally it's
giving up your whole career. Now. I will say one thing,
Austin Virginia to London is only a six hour flight.
And if you're only seeing each other on weekends, you
can still keep this up. I mean, not every weekend
twice a month obviously.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
Yeah. Yeah, Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
Are you ready to be single, Austin, That's what I
want to know. Are you ready to be single?
Speaker 3 (29:43):
Well, I think that I will, Doctor Suster rendy w
Here's the thing. I think I'm married too soon, you know.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
Yeah, Well, so you know, first of all, do you
believe again until death do us part? I mean, first
of all, that's a myth.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
No, yeah, no, absolutely not. Like I mean, obviously he's
going to die before I do. If you know it,
nothing doesn't happen.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
So the question is whether this will be the catalyst
for you to say it's time for my next big
relationship exactly.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
And we do, I mean, like I will say, like
we do have an open marriage, like, but we have bandbreathes.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
You know, people with open marriages have rules.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
Yeah yeah, yeah, but you know it's pretty healthy. But
you know, but that's the only problem that we're having
right now.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
It's a tough one for you.
Speaker 3 (30:33):
The reason he wants to move is just because of
the political criment.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
I know a lot of people want to leave because
of political Austin. Let me tell you. Look, I want
you to do some deep soul searching on this one,
because you've been together ten years and I know there's
a part of you that feels like that's an investment.
But I could say I could look at it in
another way and say it's culminating. Now life is changing
(30:58):
and you're not ready to move out of the country.
You could also just do that thing that people do.
Let's just see what happens. We'll just have a move
and see what happens, and then your unconscious will slowly
break you up, or you'll move to London. Something will happen. Awestin,
thank you for calling. That's a tough one. Isn't that
a tough one? Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have next?
We have Chelsea with a question. Okay, Hi Chelsea, it's
(31:20):
doctor Wendy.
Speaker 5 (31:22):
Hi.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
How are you? I try to question?
Speaker 5 (31:27):
My question is that when my Piante and I try
to resolve something, he pretty much is like done.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
You know, it's done, it's over. You know he feels
like there doesn't need to be a more discussion.
Speaker 5 (31:44):
I feel like I feel like I need to be acknowledged.
He things I'm going on, but I just I don't
feel it that way.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
I feel like, you want resolution, you want to be.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Heard, right, you want to process. So what is it that? Like?
Why does a conflict does? Why does it feel? How
do I word it? What does he do to stop
the conflict? What does he do to stop the conflict?
Speaker 2 (32:11):
He just says it's done, it's over, and it's like,
you know, it's not getting anywhere, And I go, but
you didn't hear me out this? And then he feels
like I'm beating a dead horse of going on. But
I should, but I wasn't acknowledged in the first place.
I mean he's right here too.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Okay, So here's the thing, you know, later in the show,
I'm going to have a great guy on tonight who
wrote a book called The All or Nothing Marriage, and
he's got some marriage hacks. But I do want to
say this about and one of them I think has
to do with conflict. Because we were talking earlier, so
I do want to say this is that So my
(32:48):
husband hates conflict. So what he does is he stops
it by taking all the blame. He'll go, all right,
I'm sorry, I'll do better later, and he just stops it,
and I'm like, but we have and processed, you know,
like I want to understand what you were feeling when
you made that statement to me, because I perceived it
as this, but maybe that's really not what was happening, right,
(33:10):
And so I think if there's a way without criticizing
him that you can say, we will grow closer if
we make sure we're both heard deeply and just say
I want to understand you no more. I want to
understand what you meant when you said that. And so
try as hard as you can to have great empathy
(33:31):
for each other. And also know that you're imagining a
lot of the stuff that you think is negative, and
he's imagining some of the stuff that we think is negative.
It has to do with our early life stuff. So
just you know, try to get him to just get
to the feelings. That's what you should do. Just get
to the feelings underneath the statements. It'll make a big,
(33:53):
big difference. Chelsea, thank you for calling. All right, doctor Wendy, Yes,
we also have a talk back question. We have a
talk that question. Okay, go ahead, When do.
Speaker 6 (34:01):
You get read that that study and isn't it true
that the child parent relationship equaled that of the relationship
with the dog, except that children grow up and then
they're not children anymore and that changes. Is that correct?
Speaker 1 (34:22):
Well, he's talking about the study I just quoted that
said that people who have good, healthy relationships with humans
often have good healthy relationships with their dogs. But in addition,
the relationship with the dog is partially like a relationship
with a child. This listener says, but dogs never grow up,
and kids do grow up and leave you. Actually the opposite.
(34:44):
Dogs don't live as long as kids, and so people
are dealing when they're dealing with the loss of an animal,
it's like they're dealing with the loss of a child. Right.
Dogs may not grow up and progress. I know what
you're saying. It's like you can't teach them and then
they get better and better at things. I mean, some
of them do treats. But for the most part, the
parent child relationship is going to last a whole lot
(35:05):
longer than the parent dog. Are they a parent parent
dog relationship? But thank you for that talkback? Okay, do
I have time to take a social media question? R? Well, okay,
let me go to social media because I saw some
dms come in Dear Doctor Wendy. I connected with a
high value mate and my best friend got really jealous
(35:28):
and began tearing me down. This is the first time
she did something like this, but it really hurt my feelings.
Why would she do this? I'll tell you why she's jealous.
She's envious. You know what I wrote? I wrote My
first book was called The Boyfriend Test, How do we
evaluate his potential before you Lose your Heart? The second
one was called The Girlfriend Test? How Datable are You?
(35:50):
The third one was called The Thirty Day Love Detocs.
But in the first one, I think it was the
first one. In the Boyfriend Test, I asked a question
does your girlfriend group port your love life or support
your single life? Because I noticed, back when I was
young and single that sometimes I would meet a super
great guy and they were jealous, not only jealous that
(36:12):
they wish they could meet a mate like that, but
also they were worried about abandonment, that I was going
to leave them for somebody else. Because the girl group,
especially the best friends, are also emotional lifelines. They're supportive,
and so if the reason why she you know, you
got to get over the hard feelings and get into
(36:33):
her headspace and know that she's feeling feelings of loss
over this, and she probably needs closeness from you. That's
my guess. And I would say that somebody online has
just asked me on Instagram when my partner triggers me,
I react in anger without thinking and say hurtful things,
how can I help this? This means that you are
(36:54):
being triggered not by them, but by early childhood experiences,
and working with a licensed therapist is one of the
best things you can do because you'll be able to
figure out with your therapists, like what are the things
that make you really go off or really react, and
you'll have memories about what this thing was that caused it,
so you can understand it's probably not about your partner.
(37:17):
The other thing is styles of conflict are often learned
and modeled in households, so maybe that's potentially what you
witnessed growing up. I just want to say that, all right,
do I have time? I don't know where we're at
with clockwise, no time to go. All right, when we
come back, I'm going to go to social media. I've
got a whole bunch of dms that came in with
great relationship questions. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy
(37:40):
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Alive everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh.
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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