February 17, 2025 • 30 mins
Dr. Wendy is covering the magic talking about nothing brings to your relationships, and she breaks down the Taxi Cab Theory. PLUS she is offering her Wendy wisdom with her driveby makeshift relationship advice. It's all on KFIAM-640
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty The Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show on KFI A six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. High Producer Kayla, how are you wonderful, Doctor Wendy?
How are you good to see you?
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Well?
Speaker 1 (00:19):
On tonight's show, We've got I'm going to be answering
your social media questions. We also have a real estate lawyer.
Now you're going to think like a real estate lawyer
is going to talk about relationships. Yeah, well, there's one
certain real estate mistake that couples make that can literally
lead to divorce or maybe even financial ruins. So she
(00:40):
feels in some ways like she's a marriage therapist. She's
going to talk about it. Also, if you remember the
taxi cab theory from Sex in the City, I'm going
to tell you why it's real, it still exists, and
how you can use it to find better love. But first,
if you're new to my show, I have a PhD
(01:01):
in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist.
But I've written three books on relationships because I am
obsessed with the science of love, and I got married
after being a single mom for twenty years. I got
married this past summer. Now, my sweet Julio and I
have been together four and a half years, but we
(01:21):
do a lot of talking about nothing. One of the
things I like about the only thing I like about
Los Angeles traffic are excellent cell phones with Bluetooth, of course,
hand free. Hands free because from the moment I get
in my car until the moment I get to my destination,
I'm usually talking to somebody. Maybe you do the same
(01:44):
thing too, and sometimes we're talking about nothing. Turns out
research says that talking about nothing is one of the
best things you can do for any relationship. So here's
a couple ways I use it. So. I have a
best friend. She and I often have a morning call
when we're going to work and we're both going to
(02:04):
different directions on the freeway and we just literally, I mean,
I'm trying to think how an hour on the freeway
is feel like, what are these gripping topics these headlines,
And it's usually something like what new moisturizer someone has
found and how to lock the door better, and where
the dog needs to go during the day, and what
(02:26):
the traffic's looking like. In this way, I mean we're
talking about nothing. We just keep talking about nothing. Also,
because I have a new mother in law, I'm getting
to know her by my traffic talking about nothing. Sometimes
I'll call and we will just chat and chat. And
she's a talker, I'm a talker. We're really lucky that
way that we're both extroverts. Kayla. Sometimes I think that
(02:49):
what we do on KFI is sort of talking about nothing.
I mean, we give lots of information, but let's talk
about what talking about thing actually does. It forms a relationship,
It builds rapport, and we're building relationships with our listeners.
(03:10):
You know the woman who hired me, Robin Bertalucci, the
famous Robin Bertolucci, program director at KFI for more than
twenty five years. I think she told me one time
because I had come from television, and in television, you go, hello, everybody,
welcome to our show. And on tonight's show, we've got right.
She's like, oh, no, no, no, no. Radio's intimate. When people
(03:34):
watch TV, they might be watching it with a group
of people, but when people listen to radio, they're alone,
they're in their cars, they're in their office, maybe the
back office. All everyone else is out front. They got
their radio going. Maybe they're home alone and they're talk
radio is keeping them company. Robin said, keep it intimate,
(03:55):
keep it real, and talk to one person who's sitting alone. Okay,
if you're a stalker, I'm not talking to you. Okay, sorry,
I'm just throwing a little comedy litt levity there somewhere.
But if you think about it, you know, we blah
blah blah about all kinds of things. Throw in some
good information for you, but you feel connected.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Talking about nothing sometimes is everything. So research is showing
that when people first start to date, they do a
lot of talking about nothing. Remember the early stages of dating.
You seem to talk for hours and hours and hours.
There was always things to talk about because you had
(04:38):
to get to know each other's past. You had to
get to know of everything up to that point. Right
in the early stages of courtship, couple spend an enormous
amount of time getting to know each other. So the
topics could be philosophical about their values, it could be
sexy and romantic, it could be humorous, and flirting. It
(04:59):
could be we just news of their childhood. Hopefully you're
going to learn about somebody's childhood. But after a few years,
after the kids are born, the partnership, the scheduling, the
busyness of the relationship takes over, and suddenly you're not
talking anymore. You're not talking about nothing, right, So psychologists
(05:24):
would say that care free talk creates a feeling of playfulness, silliness,
maybe outrageousness. One of the things that Julio and I
do is we like to take long walks together. We're
also people who are we're just naturally affectionate. So when
we're walking, we're holding hands the whole time, so we're
(05:46):
staying connected. Honestly, I've never been with a guy that
we need to be touching each other all the time,
and we're together, if we're watching TV, our legs are
wrapped around each other. I think of every other relationship
I had and we were sitting at opposite ends of
the sofa. I was with all these avoidant people, and
now I'm just with this warm, warm person. But we
walk a lot and we're holding hands and there's no rule,
(06:10):
like it's not like okay, when we go let's talk
about this. Things come up. They come up based on
what we happen to see. Look at that car. I've
always wanted to drive that kind of car. Or look
at that person, or oh my gosh, I said the
other day, look at how the trees are losing their
bark like a snake as they're growing wider. And he's like,
(06:32):
that's what trees do. I go, yeah, you didn't know that.
They don't just get wider and stretch out. They have
to crack and lose their bark. And we were stopping
and we were feeling a tree and he's like, I
learned something every day from you, right, But it's just
it's just talking about nothing. And sometimes well the other
day we were walking and we ended up walking like
(06:52):
three or four miles. We were just talking about nothing
and walking and walking. So I encourage you to do
it all right, set a time and place. Maybe it's
a walk, Maybe it's just turning off the TV and
sitting around and talking. Maybe it's at the dinner table
and talk about anything or everything. No subject is off
the table. And don't worry about what you're saying, don't
get attached, don't worry about shame. Just let it happen,
(07:15):
because this is the constant rapport building that we need
all the time in our love lives, not just at
the courtship phase. We're always growing and changing, and you're
getting news about you know, they're not with you twenty
four hours a day. When they're out of the office,
you're going to get news. Just talk about nothing, all right,
when we come back. There is something known as the
(07:35):
taxi cab theory. I think the phrase was coined back
in Sex and the City days. I believe it still exists,
and it has to do with when men are ready
to commit. I'll explain when I come back. You are
listening to the Doctor Andy Wall Show on KFI AM
six point forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
You're listening to Doctor When Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Welcome back to the Doctor Eddie Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You
ever gone out with someone and you had fairly good relationship,
got a little bit rocky, you broke up, and you
know what they said, I'm just not ready for a relationship.
I think it's all too much. It's me, it's not you.
I'm just not ready. And then your all heartbroken and
(08:28):
realize that there's nothing you could have done because they
just apparently weren't ready. And then a month later you
find out they're engaged. Oh wow, that's amazing. When it happens,
maybe it was about you, or maybe they did suddenly
get ready, just not when you were with them. Look,
(08:48):
this theory is sometimes called the taxi cab theory. And
if you've ever been a fan of Sex and the City,
you've probably heard the character Miranda break it down this
way with a right edge. It's fate.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
It's not fate. His light is on, that's all what lights.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Men are like calves.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
When they're available, their light goes on. They wake up
one day and they decide they're ready to settle down,
have babies, whatever, and they turn their light up. The
next woman they pick up, Boom, that's the one they'll marry.
It's not faith, it's dumb luck.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
It does sound very unromantic, this idea that when a
man hits his state of readiness, he just turns on
his light and whatever woman is around is the one
he's going to sign up for and commit to. I
have always called it the dugout theory, which is, you
know when a bit, when a pitcher is hot, he
(09:45):
will pitch to any batter up at bat. And so
it doesn't matter if a guy has had great girlfriends
in his past that he pines away for, it doesn't
matter if he envisions amazing women in his future. When
he hits that state of readiness, he pretty much takes
whoever's up at bat. Now, the reason why this theory,
(10:08):
which I believe is true, is so important for women
to understand is because women are very different about finding
a mate and falling in love. First of all, way
too many people believe in the one or fate or
a soulmate. And I just want to remind you that
if you have good relationship skills, you will be more
(10:32):
attractive to more people, and you'll be more attracted to
more people. There'll be many ones, many soulmates, because you
know how to do it right, you've got those good
relationship skills. So but women, however, whether they believe in
the one or the fate or whatever, when they meet
someone who they're attracted to, who they envisioned could be
a long term relationship, they will reorganize their entire life
(10:56):
for him. They will change jobs, change cities, do change clothes,
change hair, whatever they want for him. They won't make
him fall in love them. You know what funny thing
is the other night, Hulu and I were watching TV
and he was you know how guys do with their
remote control, going through all the channels really quick, and
he goes, oh, here's the Bachelor. I've never seen the Bachelor.
And I go, what they've only had like thirty two
(11:17):
seasons or something. You've never seen an episode of the Bachelor.
And he goes, no, no, no, let me turn it on.
So there's this gorgeous Bachelor and we see a very
short scene I guess it's the group date night, and
the women are just running and giggling and chasing after him,
and Julio goes, what is that? What the Bachelor is
(11:37):
a bunch of women running around chasing a man and
pretending they're just crazy about him. And I'm like, yeah,
get used to it. It's been going on for thirty
two seasons. How did you miss this? And He's like,
it just seems like so like they're just putting themselves down,
and I just it's so embarrassing for them. I'm ashamed
for them, and I'm like, but that's what we all
watch cause we want to say have female competition. But
(11:59):
in real life, if that's a women do when they
meet a guy who they think is their bachelor, they
run after him and change anything they have to. Men
don't do that. Men don't fall in love that way.
They're not running around looking for their wife. They're not.
What they're doing is busy building their own life, so
they will be appealing to a woman, and when they
(12:21):
hit the right time, they're going to take whatever woman's
up at bat. So what are the things that create
a state of readiness in a man, Well, when he's younger,
it's his education. Right, If he's not finished his education,
you're probably not going to get a marriage proposal out
of him. It also may mean that he's hit a
(12:43):
state of his career where he feels like he's financially able. Now,
remember we're trying to get rid of patriarchy. We know
that in a quarter of American households, the woman is
the breadwinner. But patriarchy swims around insides our brains, and
many men feel that they got to be some form
of financial provider. Whether they succeed or not, or whether
(13:03):
they have an economic peer in the relationship is another matter.
But they still have this ideal that they need to
hit some kind of financial level of financial security before
they can think about marriage. Right, So education's won their career,
whatever level they're at their career, but a big one
is their social world. If they're hanging out with a
(13:24):
bunch of bros who are still doing a bunch of
Vegas weekends and everybody's single, they are nowhere near their
state of readiness. If, however, they've started to go to
weddings because their buddies are starting to get married, let
me tell you marriage is highly contagious in social circles.
So is divorced. By the way, just letting you know,
(13:46):
highly contagious. You can also look for other things that
are just about statistical probability that he will be a
commitment oriented man. His parents stayed together, right, That's not
the most common. But if his parents stayed together, this
is what he knows. Right. If he was raised with
any kind of religious messaging. It doesn't matter if he's
religious now, but if he was raised with you know,
(14:08):
most religions preach family love, marriage right. And also, I
believe it or not, the research shows if he has
more conservative political beliefs, If he has more conservative political beliefs,
he may have this idea of a traditional marriage right.
So I would look if I were young and dating
(14:29):
and I had a you know, dwindling fertility window because
women are eating up their twenties with education and career building.
And if I was a thirty two year old woman
and I knew I wanted to be a mother, which
is about eighty percent of women, then I wouldn't be
running around like a bunch of women on the Bachelor
chasing after one alpha male. I would be very clearly
(14:52):
and strategically looking for a man at his state of readiness. Now,
before you think that's completely unromantic and going to question like,
oh my god, and my husband only marry me, not
because I'm the one, because he was at his state
of readiness, it doesn't mean love can't be cultivated, that
love can't grow. It means you can create hot sex
(15:14):
out of all kinds of situations. I'm not saying that
you should settle. I'm saying you should look for a
mate who's ready for you instead of wasting your time
with a bunch of mates who are far from ready. Oh,
and I do want to say, if you're with a
long term boyfriend and he hasn't committed and it's been
like years, sadly, he's probably not going to commit to you.
(15:36):
When he hits his state of readiness, he's going to
go Okay, it's time to find a wife. Now I
better get rid of my girlfriend. That happens, Kayla, don't
look so shocked, I see producer Kayla let her eyes
went wide when I said that, Hey, when we come back,
let me weigh in on your love life. I have
a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not
a therapist. But you know, I've had a lot of
life experience. I've written a few books on relationships, and
(15:58):
let me weigh in. Send me a DM on my
Instagram at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh,
and I'm gonna have answer your questions when we come back.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI
Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right,
heading to the social media. If you would like to
send me a DM with your relationship question, please know
I will keep your identity anonymous. I'm not saying any
names here, not out to shame anybody. I'm happy to
weigh in on your love life. All right. First up,
(16:41):
dear Doctor Wendy. Oh oh, oh, my gosh, I'm reading it.
I can't believe what I'm about to say. My girlfriend
called out the wrong name during intimacy. Ooh ooh. Is
this worth a conversation or just a natural slip? We're
new to dating each other. I think it's worth a conversation.
(17:04):
But the kind of conversation is what's important here. If
you're accusational, if you feel angry, if you feel insulted,
that's not a good conversation. If you can use it
in a flirtatious way, with a little slap and tickle,
Hey did you say somebody else's name? You cutie, I
(17:25):
can't believe you, And giggle about it and have some
fun with it to let her know. That that's what
you heard, then that's what you should do. I don't
think you should ignore it, though. I mean, if someone
did that to me, i'd bring it up. But you
know me, I'll say it all all right, Move it along,
Dear doctor Wendy. I met a guy in the real world,
(17:46):
So they have to say that now in the real world,
because you have sum that it all happens online. I
met a guy in the real world and we really clicked.
He's smart and super handsome. Ehoo. He revealed that he
hasn't used so in seven years. He believes that humans
don't really need it. I like everything else about him.
(18:08):
Is there a nice way to tell him how gross
this is? Okay? So, first of all, there is plenty
of research out there to show that the number one
thing that gives women the IX causes a feeling of
disgust is poor hygiene in a potential mate. You see,
women are wired to be very defensive and careful to
(18:34):
avoid pathogens, both for themselves and their babies. Right, so
we have a heightened sense of disgust. So you heard this,
he hasn't used soap in seven years. So I'm gonna
ask you this get more information. And the first question
I'm going to ask is is it obvious, like do
(18:55):
you smell it? Is there some odor, some pheromones? If so,
then you're gonna tell him, Hey, dude, I don't like
your pheromone. It's not working for me. Right, just gonna
say it now. If now you're gonna ask him he
says he believes humans don't really need soap, Let's ask
him what he's afraid of in soap. So maybe there
are certain ingredients in soap, and yes, some of them
(19:17):
do have some dangerous ingredients. We know that. Then you
might suggest that he might try a totally natural soap
without all those bad things in them. You might even
buy some as a gift. But maybe he cleans himself
really well with hot water, with a sponge, a scrub brush,
(19:39):
a rough cloth, a back bristle brush, And maybe he's
cleaner than another guy out there who quickly throws on
some soap and does a quick rinse and is done.
I think you need more information about his hygiene routine.
And if you can't smell anything that smells bad, then
he's probably a clean person. He's just not using chemicals
(20:01):
to get himself clean. There might be other ways. You
just need more information. I need to ask about it.
Don't just run away, Dear doctor, Wendy, I feel really
sad because I was single for yet another Valentine's Day.
How can I be more secure about being single? First
(20:22):
of all, you are not alone. There's a lot of
pressure when these Hallmark holidays come up to be you committed.
And I want you to understand this that during our
long life expectancies, at different times of our life, different ages,
we will find ourselves single through breakups, divorce, sadly the
(20:45):
death of a spouse, and there should be nothing shameful
about it. In fact, it's estimated that fifty percent of
adults are unmarried in America, so you're really not alone
with half the population. But something's going on that you
and your therapist should talk about, which is this inside
(21:08):
story you're telling yourself that being single is less than now. Yes,
there are the messages from our culture that are telling
you being in a partnership is important. And let me
tell you, I was a single mom for twenty years.
I get a boyfriend and I get engaged, and everyone's like, congratulations,
Oh my god, congradulate. They're so happy, they're just happy
that I have emotional support in my life. Right, it
(21:31):
doesn't mean I was less loved when I was single.
So I just want you to ask yourself why you
tell yourself this story? What this story? How you're using
this story to continue to lower your self esteem? And
you and your therapist should do some work around this, because,
as my therapist likes to say to me, there's information here.
(21:53):
This is fertile ground for exploration. Let's start digging. Okay,
when we come back, I have more questions. If you
would like to send me a DM on Instagram. Do
if I can't get to it this week, we keep
it for future weeks. I will keep your identity anonymous.
Send it to at d R Wendy Walsh. I'll have
(22:15):
more when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor
Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I say
that a lot I say in my sleep Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. But honestly, I want to give
you a little commercial for that. You know, in many cars,
AM radio is going away. It's so great to download
the iHeartRadio app. If you miss any part of this show,
if you miss future shows, past shows, whatever, you can
(22:50):
just listen to your favorite shows whenever you want to
listen to them. And you can listen to a live
when you're in the car. You just use your Bluetooth, right,
Just slide it on through. Okay, on to my Instagram
answering your direct messages, your relationship questions. If you want
to send me one, send it to at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay,
Dear doctor Wendy, I love that you proposed to your boyfriend.
(23:11):
Should I ask my situationship to officially be my boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (23:17):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Where do I start with this one? Producer, Kayla, you
know this is a question that gets me riled up.
I know, I know, and it's probably not going to
go the way that this listener expects it to go. Right.
You're too late, that's the answer. You're too late.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
I'm not a big believer in situationships. You know what
situationships are if you don't know. There are relationship where
it is undefined. It sort of starts off as a
sexual relationship. Often there are dates involved, but nobody's brave
enough to have the what are we conversation? So therefore
everybody's free in their own mind to go date other
(23:56):
people have other always used protection in a situationship, right
to go meet with their ex whatever. So it's really late,
but you got to do it. Somebody's got to have
the conversation. I don't think getting on one knee and
saying to a dude, will you be my boyfriend is
(24:17):
going to work. I think you need to have the
where is this going conversation, the frank conversation. Hey make
a communication, Sandwich say something like I am just loving
hanging out with you, but I feel like we're growing
into something more. How would you define our relationship because
(24:37):
it feels pretty hot to me? And if he says, oh, no,
you're just a friend with benefits or I don't know,
it's just like we're just having fun and okay, then
you know you got your answer and you need to
move along. I'm so sorry you're in a situationship. They're
so painful where nobody knows have the conversation. You guys
all right? Oh, here we go again. Dear doctor Wendy
(25:01):
a guy I've been hooking up with and was so
sweet and kind. I missed his call and called him
back later in the night. I told him I was
out to dinner, and he asked if I was out
on a date. I told him we aren't exclusive and
this should not be a discussion. Oh. He got really
emotional and said, whatever, I can, just leave you alone.
(25:25):
I believe he then blocked me. We had talked every
day and he said he really likes me and he
misses me, and he gave me so much love. How
do you go from love to being blocked? Lady Jane,
I have a story for you. One time, when I
was I had a roommate, Sylvia and I. We used
to have this rule because we were player chicks. That's
what we called it back then, player chicks, and our
(25:47):
rule was you couldn't date more than five guys at
once because then you get the stories mixed up. So
one of my five guys, when I wasn't so attentive
to him, accused me of playing him. He cried on
the phone. He was heartbroken. I was holding the phone
out from my head, looking so confused, like what we
(26:08):
never even had a conversation about who we are, what
we have? What the heck right? I didn't realize that
everybody has feelings, including men. And guess what, this guy
that you've been hooking up with, who's being so sweet
and kind, is being sweet and kind for a reason.
(26:31):
He's building a relationship with you. He cares about you.
And so what happened is you went out to dinner
we don't know with who might have been a date,
and he wanted to express to you that he really
cares about you. So he did it by expressing a
(26:51):
little bit of jealousy. He said, were you out on
a date? And that was your chance to say, no,
I was out with a girlfriend. I'd rather be dating you.
But you didn't. You insulted him, You threw it back
at him, and you said, we don't need to have
a discussion about this. We're not exclusive. What you said
(27:13):
to him is I don't like you enough to have
a relationship. And so therefore his little heart was broken
and he blocked you, not because he wanted to hurt you,
but he had to stop his heart from bleeding. That's
what happened. That's what happened. Are you surprised? Wow? I'm sorry,
(27:35):
poor guy. Where is he? I want to go give
him a hug? She hurt his feelings? Ah, okay, I
think we have time for at least one more. Dear
doctor Wendy, I met a guy who has a child.
It happens to their parents out there. He sees the
child at her mother's house every day. Uh huh. He
spends hours hours there, and he says the child is
(27:55):
too young to be away from her mother. He has
to go there. I am very uncomfortable. She wrote that
all in caps. I am very uncomfortable. Should I suggest
bringing the kid anywhere else? We've been dating for three months? Okay,
I need more information. How old this kid is. If
it's an infant, you know, maybe they need to be
(28:16):
with the mom. If it's a toddler, time to get
out of the house once in a while and give
mom a break. I think you're uncomfortable because you're wondering
if this ex girlfriend, ex wife whatever, is actually using
the kid as a way to get the guy to
come over. So I think if you've been dating for
three months, it's time to very very gently have the conversation,
(28:38):
and the way you have the conversation is by talking
about your feelings, not all in capital letters with exclamation marks,
but literally say verbally, Hey, So you're spending a lot
of time over at your ex's place, and I really
respect that you have such a good attachment with your
child and you're such an attentive father. I think it's wonderful.
(29:01):
But I'm wondering if she's not like letting you take
the kid out because she's trying to keep you in
and sort of become a team with him in exploring
what this could be or mean. I don't think this
is about him. I think he's trying to be a
good father. That's my gut. My gut says he's trying
to be a good father, but there's something going on
in this dynamic that he's unable to detach from the
(29:23):
mother of his child. Just saying, let's you want more
real quick, Dear doctor, Wendy, I had sex with a
man and he ghosted me for two months. Afterwards, he
came back, apologizing and saying he was having mental issues.
Should I give him another try? No? The best way
to predict somebody's future behavior is by looking at their
past behavior. If he did it once, he's going to
(29:45):
do it again. Oh man, oh man. When we come back,
I have an attorney on the line who's going to
talk to us about a real estate investment that can
break up relationships. You won't believe what it is. You
listened to the Doctor Walls Show on KFI AM six forty.
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening
(30:07):
to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live
on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm
on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty The Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show on KFI A six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. High Producer Kayla, how are you wonderful, Doctor Wendy?
How are you good to see you?
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Well?
Speaker 1 (00:19):
On tonight's show, We've got I'm going to be answering
your social media questions. We also have a real estate lawyer.
Now you're going to think like a real estate lawyer
is going to talk about relationships. Yeah, well, there's one
certain real estate mistake that couples make that can literally
lead to divorce or maybe even financial ruins. So she
(00:40):
feels in some ways like she's a marriage therapist. She's
going to talk about it. Also, if you remember the
taxi cab theory from Sex in the City, I'm going
to tell you why it's real, it still exists, and
how you can use it to find better love. But first,
if you're new to my show, I have a PhD
(01:01):
in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist.
But I've written three books on relationships because I am
obsessed with the science of love, and I got married
after being a single mom for twenty years. I got
married this past summer. Now, my sweet Julio and I
have been together four and a half years, but we
(01:21):
do a lot of talking about nothing. One of the
things I like about the only thing I like about
Los Angeles traffic are excellent cell phones with Bluetooth, of course,
hand free. Hands free because from the moment I get
in my car until the moment I get to my destination,
I'm usually talking to somebody. Maybe you do the same
(01:44):
thing too, and sometimes we're talking about nothing. Turns out
research says that talking about nothing is one of the
best things you can do for any relationship. So here's
a couple ways I use it. So. I have a
best friend. She and I often have a morning call
when we're going to work and we're both going to
(02:04):
different directions on the freeway and we just literally, I mean,
I'm trying to think how an hour on the freeway
is feel like, what are these gripping topics these headlines,
And it's usually something like what new moisturizer someone has
found and how to lock the door better, and where
the dog needs to go during the day, and what
(02:26):
the traffic's looking like. In this way, I mean we're
talking about nothing. We just keep talking about nothing. Also,
because I have a new mother in law, I'm getting
to know her by my traffic talking about nothing. Sometimes
I'll call and we will just chat and chat. And
she's a talker, I'm a talker. We're really lucky that
way that we're both extroverts. Kayla. Sometimes I think that
(02:49):
what we do on KFI is sort of talking about nothing.
I mean, we give lots of information, but let's talk
about what talking about thing actually does. It forms a relationship,
It builds rapport, and we're building relationships with our listeners.
(03:10):
You know the woman who hired me, Robin Bertalucci, the
famous Robin Bertolucci, program director at KFI for more than
twenty five years. I think she told me one time
because I had come from television, and in television, you go, hello, everybody,
welcome to our show. And on tonight's show, we've got right.
She's like, oh, no, no, no, no. Radio's intimate. When people
(03:34):
watch TV, they might be watching it with a group
of people, but when people listen to radio, they're alone,
they're in their cars, they're in their office, maybe the
back office. All everyone else is out front. They got
their radio going. Maybe they're home alone and they're talk
radio is keeping them company. Robin said, keep it intimate,
(03:55):
keep it real, and talk to one person who's sitting alone. Okay,
if you're a stalker, I'm not talking to you. Okay, sorry,
I'm just throwing a little comedy litt levity there somewhere.
But if you think about it, you know, we blah
blah blah about all kinds of things. Throw in some
good information for you, but you feel connected.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Talking about nothing sometimes is everything. So research is showing
that when people first start to date, they do a
lot of talking about nothing. Remember the early stages of dating.
You seem to talk for hours and hours and hours.
There was always things to talk about because you had
(04:38):
to get to know each other's past. You had to
get to know of everything up to that point. Right
in the early stages of courtship, couple spend an enormous
amount of time getting to know each other. So the
topics could be philosophical about their values, it could be
sexy and romantic, it could be humorous, and flirting. It
(04:59):
could be we just news of their childhood. Hopefully you're
going to learn about somebody's childhood. But after a few years,
after the kids are born, the partnership, the scheduling, the
busyness of the relationship takes over, and suddenly you're not
talking anymore. You're not talking about nothing, right, So psychologists
(05:24):
would say that care free talk creates a feeling of playfulness, silliness,
maybe outrageousness. One of the things that Julio and I
do is we like to take long walks together. We're
also people who are we're just naturally affectionate. So when
we're walking, we're holding hands the whole time, so we're
(05:46):
staying connected. Honestly, I've never been with a guy that
we need to be touching each other all the time,
and we're together, if we're watching TV, our legs are
wrapped around each other. I think of every other relationship
I had and we were sitting at opposite ends of
the sofa. I was with all these avoidant people, and
now I'm just with this warm, warm person. But we
walk a lot and we're holding hands and there's no rule,
(06:10):
like it's not like okay, when we go let's talk
about this. Things come up. They come up based on
what we happen to see. Look at that car. I've
always wanted to drive that kind of car. Or look
at that person, or oh my gosh, I said the
other day, look at how the trees are losing their
bark like a snake as they're growing wider. And he's like,
(06:32):
that's what trees do. I go, yeah, you didn't know that.
They don't just get wider and stretch out. They have
to crack and lose their bark. And we were stopping
and we were feeling a tree and he's like, I
learned something every day from you, right, But it's just
it's just talking about nothing. And sometimes well the other
day we were walking and we ended up walking like
(06:52):
three or four miles. We were just talking about nothing
and walking and walking. So I encourage you to do
it all right, set a time and place. Maybe it's
a walk, Maybe it's just turning off the TV and
sitting around and talking. Maybe it's at the dinner table
and talk about anything or everything. No subject is off
the table. And don't worry about what you're saying, don't
get attached, don't worry about shame. Just let it happen,
(07:15):
because this is the constant rapport building that we need
all the time in our love lives, not just at
the courtship phase. We're always growing and changing, and you're
getting news about you know, they're not with you twenty
four hours a day. When they're out of the office,
you're going to get news. Just talk about nothing, all right,
when we come back. There is something known as the
(07:35):
taxi cab theory. I think the phrase was coined back
in Sex and the City days. I believe it still exists,
and it has to do with when men are ready
to commit. I'll explain when I come back. You are
listening to the Doctor Andy Wall Show on KFI AM
six point forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
You're listening to Doctor When Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Welcome back to the Doctor Eddie Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You
ever gone out with someone and you had fairly good relationship,
got a little bit rocky, you broke up, and you
know what they said, I'm just not ready for a relationship.
I think it's all too much. It's me, it's not you.
I'm just not ready. And then your all heartbroken and
(08:28):
realize that there's nothing you could have done because they
just apparently weren't ready. And then a month later you
find out they're engaged. Oh wow, that's amazing. When it happens,
maybe it was about you, or maybe they did suddenly
get ready, just not when you were with them. Look,
(08:48):
this theory is sometimes called the taxi cab theory. And
if you've ever been a fan of Sex and the City,
you've probably heard the character Miranda break it down this
way with a right edge. It's fate.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
It's not fate. His light is on, that's all what lights.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Men are like calves.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
When they're available, their light goes on. They wake up
one day and they decide they're ready to settle down,
have babies, whatever, and they turn their light up. The
next woman they pick up, Boom, that's the one they'll marry.
It's not faith, it's dumb luck.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
It does sound very unromantic, this idea that when a
man hits his state of readiness, he just turns on
his light and whatever woman is around is the one
he's going to sign up for and commit to. I
have always called it the dugout theory, which is, you
know when a bit, when a pitcher is hot, he
(09:45):
will pitch to any batter up at bat. And so
it doesn't matter if a guy has had great girlfriends
in his past that he pines away for, it doesn't
matter if he envisions amazing women in his future. When
he hits that state of readiness, he pretty much takes
whoever's up at bat. Now, the reason why this theory,
(10:08):
which I believe is true, is so important for women
to understand is because women are very different about finding
a mate and falling in love. First of all, way
too many people believe in the one or fate or
a soulmate. And I just want to remind you that
if you have good relationship skills, you will be more
(10:32):
attractive to more people, and you'll be more attracted to
more people. There'll be many ones, many soulmates, because you
know how to do it right, you've got those good
relationship skills. So but women, however, whether they believe in
the one or the fate or whatever, when they meet
someone who they're attracted to, who they envisioned could be
a long term relationship, they will reorganize their entire life
(10:56):
for him. They will change jobs, change cities, do change clothes,
change hair, whatever they want for him. They won't make
him fall in love them. You know what funny thing
is the other night, Hulu and I were watching TV
and he was you know how guys do with their
remote control, going through all the channels really quick, and
he goes, oh, here's the Bachelor. I've never seen the Bachelor.
And I go, what they've only had like thirty two
(11:17):
seasons or something. You've never seen an episode of the Bachelor.
And he goes, no, no, no, let me turn it on.
So there's this gorgeous Bachelor and we see a very
short scene I guess it's the group date night, and
the women are just running and giggling and chasing after him,
and Julio goes, what is that? What the Bachelor is
(11:37):
a bunch of women running around chasing a man and
pretending they're just crazy about him. And I'm like, yeah,
get used to it. It's been going on for thirty
two seasons. How did you miss this? And He's like,
it just seems like so like they're just putting themselves down,
and I just it's so embarrassing for them. I'm ashamed
for them, and I'm like, but that's what we all
watch cause we want to say have female competition. But
(11:59):
in real life, if that's a women do when they
meet a guy who they think is their bachelor, they
run after him and change anything they have to. Men
don't do that. Men don't fall in love that way.
They're not running around looking for their wife. They're not.
What they're doing is busy building their own life, so
they will be appealing to a woman, and when they
(12:21):
hit the right time, they're going to take whatever woman's
up at bat. So what are the things that create
a state of readiness in a man, Well, when he's younger,
it's his education. Right, If he's not finished his education,
you're probably not going to get a marriage proposal out
of him. It also may mean that he's hit a
(12:43):
state of his career where he feels like he's financially able. Now,
remember we're trying to get rid of patriarchy. We know
that in a quarter of American households, the woman is
the breadwinner. But patriarchy swims around insides our brains, and
many men feel that they got to be some form
of financial provider. Whether they succeed or not, or whether
(13:03):
they have an economic peer in the relationship is another matter.
But they still have this ideal that they need to
hit some kind of financial level of financial security before
they can think about marriage. Right, So education's won their career,
whatever level they're at their career, but a big one
is their social world. If they're hanging out with a
(13:24):
bunch of bros who are still doing a bunch of
Vegas weekends and everybody's single, they are nowhere near their
state of readiness. If, however, they've started to go to
weddings because their buddies are starting to get married, let
me tell you marriage is highly contagious in social circles.
So is divorced. By the way, just letting you know,
(13:46):
highly contagious. You can also look for other things that
are just about statistical probability that he will be a
commitment oriented man. His parents stayed together, right, That's not
the most common. But if his parents stayed together, this
is what he knows. Right. If he was raised with
any kind of religious messaging. It doesn't matter if he's
religious now, but if he was raised with you know,
(14:08):
most religions preach family love, marriage right. And also, I
believe it or not, the research shows if he has
more conservative political beliefs, If he has more conservative political beliefs,
he may have this idea of a traditional marriage right.
So I would look if I were young and dating
(14:29):
and I had a you know, dwindling fertility window because
women are eating up their twenties with education and career building.
And if I was a thirty two year old woman
and I knew I wanted to be a mother, which
is about eighty percent of women, then I wouldn't be
running around like a bunch of women on the Bachelor
chasing after one alpha male. I would be very clearly
(14:52):
and strategically looking for a man at his state of readiness. Now,
before you think that's completely unromantic and going to question like,
oh my god, and my husband only marry me, not
because I'm the one, because he was at his state
of readiness, it doesn't mean love can't be cultivated, that
love can't grow. It means you can create hot sex
(15:14):
out of all kinds of situations. I'm not saying that
you should settle. I'm saying you should look for a
mate who's ready for you instead of wasting your time
with a bunch of mates who are far from ready. Oh,
and I do want to say, if you're with a
long term boyfriend and he hasn't committed and it's been
like years, sadly, he's probably not going to commit to you.
(15:36):
When he hits his state of readiness, he's going to
go Okay, it's time to find a wife. Now I
better get rid of my girlfriend. That happens, Kayla, don't
look so shocked, I see producer Kayla let her eyes
went wide when I said that, Hey, when we come back,
let me weigh in on your love life. I have
a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not
a therapist. But you know, I've had a lot of
life experience. I've written a few books on relationships, and
(15:58):
let me weigh in. Send me a DM on my
Instagram at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh,
and I'm gonna have answer your questions when we come back.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI
Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right,
heading to the social media. If you would like to
send me a DM with your relationship question, please know
I will keep your identity anonymous. I'm not saying any
names here, not out to shame anybody. I'm happy to
weigh in on your love life. All right. First up,
(16:41):
dear Doctor Wendy. Oh oh, oh, my gosh, I'm reading it.
I can't believe what I'm about to say. My girlfriend
called out the wrong name during intimacy. Ooh ooh. Is
this worth a conversation or just a natural slip? We're
new to dating each other. I think it's worth a conversation.
(17:04):
But the kind of conversation is what's important here. If
you're accusational, if you feel angry, if you feel insulted,
that's not a good conversation. If you can use it
in a flirtatious way, with a little slap and tickle,
Hey did you say somebody else's name? You cutie, I
(17:25):
can't believe you, And giggle about it and have some
fun with it to let her know. That that's what
you heard, then that's what you should do. I don't
think you should ignore it, though. I mean, if someone
did that to me, i'd bring it up. But you
know me, I'll say it all all right, Move it along,
Dear doctor Wendy. I met a guy in the real world,
(17:46):
So they have to say that now in the real world,
because you have sum that it all happens online. I
met a guy in the real world and we really clicked.
He's smart and super handsome. Ehoo. He revealed that he
hasn't used so in seven years. He believes that humans
don't really need it. I like everything else about him.
(18:08):
Is there a nice way to tell him how gross
this is? Okay? So, first of all, there is plenty
of research out there to show that the number one
thing that gives women the IX causes a feeling of
disgust is poor hygiene in a potential mate. You see,
women are wired to be very defensive and careful to
(18:34):
avoid pathogens, both for themselves and their babies. Right, so
we have a heightened sense of disgust. So you heard this,
he hasn't used soap in seven years. So I'm gonna
ask you this get more information. And the first question
I'm going to ask is is it obvious, like do
(18:55):
you smell it? Is there some odor, some pheromones? If so,
then you're gonna tell him, Hey, dude, I don't like
your pheromone. It's not working for me. Right, just gonna
say it now. If now you're gonna ask him he
says he believes humans don't really need soap, Let's ask
him what he's afraid of in soap. So maybe there
are certain ingredients in soap, and yes, some of them
(19:17):
do have some dangerous ingredients. We know that. Then you
might suggest that he might try a totally natural soap
without all those bad things in them. You might even
buy some as a gift. But maybe he cleans himself
really well with hot water, with a sponge, a scrub brush,
(19:39):
a rough cloth, a back bristle brush, And maybe he's
cleaner than another guy out there who quickly throws on
some soap and does a quick rinse and is done.
I think you need more information about his hygiene routine.
And if you can't smell anything that smells bad, then
he's probably a clean person. He's just not using chemicals
(20:01):
to get himself clean. There might be other ways. You
just need more information. I need to ask about it.
Don't just run away, Dear doctor, Wendy, I feel really
sad because I was single for yet another Valentine's Day.
How can I be more secure about being single? First
(20:22):
of all, you are not alone. There's a lot of
pressure when these Hallmark holidays come up to be you committed.
And I want you to understand this that during our
long life expectancies, at different times of our life, different ages,
we will find ourselves single through breakups, divorce, sadly the
(20:45):
death of a spouse, and there should be nothing shameful
about it. In fact, it's estimated that fifty percent of
adults are unmarried in America, so you're really not alone
with half the population. But something's going on that you
and your therapist should talk about, which is this inside
(21:08):
story you're telling yourself that being single is less than now. Yes,
there are the messages from our culture that are telling
you being in a partnership is important. And let me
tell you, I was a single mom for twenty years.
I get a boyfriend and I get engaged, and everyone's like, congratulations,
Oh my god, congradulate. They're so happy, they're just happy
that I have emotional support in my life. Right, it
(21:31):
doesn't mean I was less loved when I was single.
So I just want you to ask yourself why you
tell yourself this story? What this story? How you're using
this story to continue to lower your self esteem? And
you and your therapist should do some work around this, because,
as my therapist likes to say to me, there's information here.
(21:53):
This is fertile ground for exploration. Let's start digging. Okay,
when we come back, I have more questions. If you
would like to send me a DM on Instagram. Do
if I can't get to it this week, we keep
it for future weeks. I will keep your identity anonymous.
Send it to at d R Wendy Walsh. I'll have
(22:15):
more when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor
Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I say
that a lot I say in my sleep Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. But honestly, I want to give
you a little commercial for that. You know, in many cars,
AM radio is going away. It's so great to download
the iHeartRadio app. If you miss any part of this show,
if you miss future shows, past shows, whatever, you can
(22:50):
just listen to your favorite shows whenever you want to
listen to them. And you can listen to a live
when you're in the car. You just use your Bluetooth, right,
Just slide it on through. Okay, on to my Instagram
answering your direct messages, your relationship questions. If you want
to send me one, send it to at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay,
Dear doctor Wendy, I love that you proposed to your boyfriend.
(23:11):
Should I ask my situationship to officially be my boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (23:17):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Where do I start with this one? Producer, Kayla, you
know this is a question that gets me riled up.
I know, I know, and it's probably not going to
go the way that this listener expects it to go. Right.
You're too late, that's the answer. You're too late.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (23:33):
I'm not a big believer in situationships. You know what
situationships are if you don't know. There are relationship where
it is undefined. It sort of starts off as a
sexual relationship. Often there are dates involved, but nobody's brave
enough to have the what are we conversation? So therefore
everybody's free in their own mind to go date other
(23:56):
people have other always used protection in a situationship, right
to go meet with their ex whatever. So it's really late,
but you got to do it. Somebody's got to have
the conversation. I don't think getting on one knee and
saying to a dude, will you be my boyfriend is
(24:17):
going to work. I think you need to have the
where is this going conversation, the frank conversation. Hey make
a communication, Sandwich say something like I am just loving
hanging out with you, but I feel like we're growing
into something more. How would you define our relationship because
(24:37):
it feels pretty hot to me? And if he says, oh, no,
you're just a friend with benefits or I don't know,
it's just like we're just having fun and okay, then
you know you got your answer and you need to
move along. I'm so sorry you're in a situationship. They're
so painful where nobody knows have the conversation. You guys
all right? Oh, here we go again. Dear doctor Wendy
(25:01):
a guy I've been hooking up with and was so
sweet and kind. I missed his call and called him
back later in the night. I told him I was
out to dinner, and he asked if I was out
on a date. I told him we aren't exclusive and
this should not be a discussion. Oh. He got really
emotional and said, whatever, I can, just leave you alone.
(25:25):
I believe he then blocked me. We had talked every
day and he said he really likes me and he
misses me, and he gave me so much love. How
do you go from love to being blocked? Lady Jane,
I have a story for you. One time, when I
was I had a roommate, Sylvia and I. We used
to have this rule because we were player chicks. That's
what we called it back then, player chicks, and our
(25:47):
rule was you couldn't date more than five guys at
once because then you get the stories mixed up. So
one of my five guys, when I wasn't so attentive
to him, accused me of playing him. He cried on
the phone. He was heartbroken. I was holding the phone
out from my head, looking so confused, like what we
(26:08):
never even had a conversation about who we are, what
we have? What the heck right? I didn't realize that
everybody has feelings, including men. And guess what, this guy
that you've been hooking up with, who's being so sweet
and kind, is being sweet and kind for a reason.
(26:31):
He's building a relationship with you. He cares about you.
And so what happened is you went out to dinner
we don't know with who might have been a date,
and he wanted to express to you that he really
cares about you. So he did it by expressing a
(26:51):
little bit of jealousy. He said, were you out on
a date? And that was your chance to say, no,
I was out with a girlfriend. I'd rather be dating you.
But you didn't. You insulted him, You threw it back
at him, and you said, we don't need to have
a discussion about this. We're not exclusive. What you said
(27:13):
to him is I don't like you enough to have
a relationship. And so therefore his little heart was broken
and he blocked you, not because he wanted to hurt you,
but he had to stop his heart from bleeding. That's
what happened. That's what happened. Are you surprised? Wow? I'm sorry,
(27:35):
poor guy. Where is he? I want to go give
him a hug? She hurt his feelings? Ah, okay, I
think we have time for at least one more. Dear
doctor Wendy, I met a guy who has a child.
It happens to their parents out there. He sees the
child at her mother's house every day. Uh huh. He
spends hours hours there, and he says the child is
(27:55):
too young to be away from her mother. He has
to go there. I am very uncomfortable. She wrote that
all in caps. I am very uncomfortable. Should I suggest
bringing the kid anywhere else? We've been dating for three months? Okay,
I need more information. How old this kid is. If
it's an infant, you know, maybe they need to be
(28:16):
with the mom. If it's a toddler, time to get
out of the house once in a while and give
mom a break. I think you're uncomfortable because you're wondering
if this ex girlfriend, ex wife whatever, is actually using
the kid as a way to get the guy to
come over. So I think if you've been dating for
three months, it's time to very very gently have the conversation,
(28:38):
and the way you have the conversation is by talking
about your feelings, not all in capital letters with exclamation marks,
but literally say verbally, Hey, So you're spending a lot
of time over at your ex's place, and I really
respect that you have such a good attachment with your
child and you're such an attentive father. I think it's wonderful.
(29:01):
But I'm wondering if she's not like letting you take
the kid out because she's trying to keep you in
and sort of become a team with him in exploring
what this could be or mean. I don't think this
is about him. I think he's trying to be a
good father. That's my gut. My gut says he's trying
to be a good father, but there's something going on
in this dynamic that he's unable to detach from the
(29:23):
mother of his child. Just saying, let's you want more
real quick, Dear doctor, Wendy, I had sex with a
man and he ghosted me for two months. Afterwards, he
came back, apologizing and saying he was having mental issues.
Should I give him another try? No? The best way
to predict somebody's future behavior is by looking at their
past behavior. If he did it once, he's going to
(29:45):
do it again. Oh man, oh man. When we come back,
I have an attorney on the line who's going to
talk to us about a real estate investment that can
break up relationships. You won't believe what it is. You
listened to the Doctor Walls Show on KFI AM six forty.
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening
(30:07):
to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live
on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm
on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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