Dr. Wendy is covering the psychological aspect of the protests, immigration, and the Diddy trial. PLUS do you dry beg? Stop it! It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Appf I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Okay,
you know me.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
I talk about love, sex, relationships, even workplace relationships, a
lot of an attachment. I'm a psychology professor. I do
not get into politics. However, what is going on in
our city right now has psychological ramifications. So I want
(00:35):
to talk a little bit, not about politics, but about
attachment and immigration trauma. So I'm going to remind you
this isn't a chat about politics. It is not a
chat about placing blame of parents on parents who are undocumented.
It's I'm not talking about lawmakers who made a decision
(00:57):
or didn't make a decision. If you take that from this,
that's in your head. I'm also not going to comment
on service members who are performing their orders. None of
that matters. I just want to talk about the mental
health of children as the result of this current and
many other immigration crackdowns in this country. And here's what
(01:20):
I'm going to ask you. I'm going to ask you
to try not to judge, try not to place blame,
or more importantly, try not to dismiss. I think together
here our KFI listeners are pretty compassionate people, and I
think we need to open our hearts to children, innocent children.
They're all innocent, caught in the crossfire of a changing America.
(01:46):
So immigration crackdowns are not just legal events, they're actually
attachment traumas. And the research is clear forced separation essential
bonds in a child's mind can trigger toxic stress, mental
health disorders, far reaching effects for kids and parents. Right
(02:10):
and even after parents reunite, the psychological wounds of what
happened in that relationship often endure, and those wounds can
spill over into dangers of physical health, academic outcomes, they
can impact and future relationship stability. We learn how to
(02:30):
love based on how we were loved. So here's what
the research says that immediately after let's say a crackdown
happens and a mother or a father is torn from
their kids' kids or sent home, people are separated whatever
may be. Studies have shown that abrupt separation can cause
(02:50):
symptoms of toxic stress and attachment insecurity. And so what
happens is the kids start to exhibit something we call
hyper vigilant behavior. Also, I'm going to talk in a
minute about p Ditty's former girlfriend under the pseudonym Jane.
She had the same kind of hypervigilance. Hypervigilance is where
(03:11):
they're going, Why are they leaving? What's happening is somebody
leaving me. It's like this abandonment anxiety. It can also
create emotional numbing. I don't feel anything, I don't notice,
I don't care. It can trigger flashbacks, not unlike post
traumatic stress disorder or extreme cleanness or regressive behavior. An
older child could start wetting the bed again.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Right, So.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
We know that when John Bowlby came up with the
idea of attachment theory, he's the father of attachment theory.
He know he determined that separation from kids and parents,
abrupt separation can cause high rates of post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression,
(03:57):
poor physical health. But more important, and more importantly, as importantly,
in addition, let's not rank them, it can cause someone
to have an inability to love and care for another.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Also, it tends to be intergenerational, and coke can go
on for a very very very long time. All Right
when we come back, I want to continue talking about
this a little bit.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
And also something I teach in my.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Health psychology class, which is the immigrant health paradox. You
might be surprised to learn something about healthy immigrants who
come to this country. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Wallsh Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show. I'm talking about
the inter general or the attachment trauma that can happen
when families are separated through immigration or through crackdowns that
disrupt the family system and tear children from their families.
(05:10):
It is also creates a cycle of trauma that literally
changes genes. The world of epigenetics has learned that what
we are living today and our perfect little bodies are
also is also the trauma of our parents and grandparents
and their grandparents. It is only through going to therapy
(05:32):
casting a light on why you're doing something and trying
to use your mind and your brain to make different decisions.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
But this is hard.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
I mean, when you talk about these attachment injuries and
an ability to inability to love, it can go through many,
many generations before healing takes place. My favorite metaphor to
describe how intergenerational psychology works is a mom and daughter
are cooking a Thanksgiving ham. I don't know why they
(06:03):
thinks ham on their Thanksgiving, but they do. And the
mom says, well, you need to cut it in half
before you begin to roast it, so you do it
in two pieces. And the daughter said, oh, well, why
do we do that, mom? And she said, I don't know.
We did it that way because my mom always did it.
So they called grandma and they say, Grandma, we're just curious,
why do you cut the ham in fat in half
(06:23):
before you cook it? And she said, I don't know,
my mother always did that. I it's just what you do.
So then they call the great grandmother, who's in the
old age facility, a little bit senile but has moments
of lucidity, and they say, hey, great grandma, why do
we cut the ham in two pieces before we roast it?
(06:46):
And she said, oh, because I only had a small pan.
You see, something that impacted one generation can change behavior
in many other generations, even when they don't know why.
And so this inability to trust, love, or constantly feeling abandoned,
(07:06):
this is all part of attachment anxiety. So I mentioned
that I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. And
one of the things I teach at California State University,
Channel Islands is the immigrant health paradox. So what's really
interesting is that poverty is highly correlated with low birth
(07:27):
weight babies, except in a huge chunk of New Americans immigrants.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
The immigrant birthweight paradox refers to the phenomenon where mothers
were born in other countries tend to come to this country,
and when they do eventually get pregnant, they have higher
birth weight infants, healthier babies. Right, So how could this
possibly be right? You know, they're facing language, bear, lower
(08:00):
socioeconomic status, they may have limited access to healthcare, but
their babies are born healthier. Well, there are a number
of factors that create this. One is called the selection effect.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
The women who are able to immigrate, whether they're swimming
across rivers or oceans, whether they're in the back of
trucks whatever, they walk over a mountain. I don't know
what they had to do to get here, but those
women tend to be stronger and healthier to begin with. Right.
The other thing is when they get here, there are
(08:35):
these ethnic enclaves where they can have a lot of
social support. They might have really good social networks around them,
and they might have good cultural values around practices having
to do with childbirth and nutrition and prenatal care, having
a circle of women around them helping them. So what's
(08:56):
really interesting is that's for the first generation, next generation.
Once they're eating the American diet and are part of
torn about families that are torn up and there aren't
multi generational families around, they go back to having low birth.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Weight babies like everybody else. Anyway.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
I find that fascinating, And I just want to add
that anything I'm saying about what has been going on
in the last three days in our city is not
intended to influence any political belief you may have. It's
not to talk about right or wrong, is to just
understand that this goes on. I want to remind everybody
(09:33):
that I am an immigrant and there were years when
I applied for jobs that I had to show my
work visa, I had to show a green card. Now
I'm a citizen, but there are lots of forms you
have to fill out when you get a job to
prove that you're legal here. So the fact that they're
going after employees versus employers is fascinating to me because
(09:57):
they could do one quick sweep by walking in a
company and going, Okay, you know, you're one hundred people
that you haven't been asking documentation of. They can't they're
not allowed to work in America. I mean, there are
other ways to do it. But I do want to
say we had a little bromance clash this week. I
don't know if you remember on Friday that Trump and
(10:18):
Elon had a breakup. And let me tell you that
social media spat Trump on truth social and Elon on
X was not a good look for the most powerful
man in the world, President Donald Trump. So he had
to create a distraction for us in his reality show.
And there's no better way than if there's fire involved,
(10:42):
and and you know, guys at armed pushing back crowds
and and so, you know, rather than doing it in
a way that was just about lawyers and legals and contracts. Instead,
it became about, let's make a show for the media.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Just just say and I will say this about their breakup.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Though, So, there's lots of research to show that when
people break up, the longer you stay kind of on
the fence, like, oh, should I go back, maybe they
weren't all bad, the more pain you will have. Right,
clean break breakups actually work better to help people get
(11:27):
their mental health and their self esteem back, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
And in addition, there's actually research.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
To show that if you, let's say you've gone through
a breakup with somebody, can think about the worst attributes
of them, the worst thing you could think of, and
you focus on that a lot, you actually have a
quicker recovery than if you're still like following them on
social media, looking at their pictures, feeling envious of who
(11:54):
they're with, wondering if she should have done that right.
And so, it's better to do a clean break in
your breakups, and it's also really good to kind of
hate them for a while, not forever. You could go
back to being friends after but a year. I think
I know everybody's different, I said to somebody the other
day that we're talking about some acts that they were
(12:15):
friends with, and I go, I'm not friends with really
any of my exes. There's one, you know, birthdays and holidays,
a quick phone call. But you know, I'm a woman
of certain age. There are hundreds of these dudes out there,
and I am not in touch with them at all.
And this person, this friend of mine, who actually was
a therapist, said, I said, is there something wrong with
(12:36):
me that I'm not friends with any of my exes?
And she said, You're taking a lot of responsibility, aren't you.
Maybe it has to do with.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
All those men.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
And I went, oh, of course, because I had my
own anxious attachment style and I was choosing men who
were more emotionally avoidant. So an emotionally avoidant dude is
not going to run back after the breakup and go
let's be friends now. I kind of wanted to stay
kind of in touch.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Can we do that?
Speaker 1 (13:05):
They don't do that, right, The avoidant ones just cut
it loose and their ship floats away. So, speaking of so,
I just want to wrap up the Trump Musk thing
by saying, my other favorite part, besides watching it chewing
on popcorn, was other people who weighed in on social media.
(13:27):
You probably saw Kanye West acting as marriage counselor.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
He tweeted brose please no, we love you Moost so much.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Right right wing activist Laura Lumer said BBB actually stands
for Big Beautiful Breakup instead of Big Beautiful Bill and
Savannah Guthrie from The Today Show I loved it. She
dismissed it as it's just seventh grade girl stuff. It's true,
we all saw this right. But my absolute favorite, I
(14:03):
have two favorites. One is a tweet from Ashley Saint Clair.
If you don't know who that is, that is one
of the baby mamas of Elon Musk, and she cheekyly
chimed in on X saying, hey, real, Donald Trump, let
me know if you need any breakup advice because apparently
she's going through a terrible court battle with him over
(14:25):
child support, et cetera. And then my other favorite favorite
was Vivian Musk. This is Elon Musk's trans daughter who
he has said terrible things about. And this young woman is,
you know, stood up on her own. I'm very proud
of how she's managed to keep her self esteem and
all she did is posted a video of her laughing
and laughing and laughing with the words over top of
(14:47):
it that said, I love being proven right. I guess
she's feeling that we're getting to see the other side
of her father. All right. When we come back, let's
talk about the p Diddy trial. There's so much in
the news having to do with relationships. A witness with
the pseudonym Jane is I believe a case study and
(15:08):
anxious attachment. We'll talk about it when we come back.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallh Show on KFI
AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
KFI AM six forty you doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. I wish a
love was about finding happiness. I wish that there was
a soulmate for everybody out there. But love is a skill,
and the skill is learned in our early life. Love
(15:44):
is less about finding happiness and sadly, more often about
finding the familiar, the familiar feeling of love and what
it felt like as a child and if that child
had a childhood filled with trauma. They will unconsciously look
for partners who will treat them the way that feels normal.
(16:08):
They will not be happy, they will feel terrible about it,
but they will continue to do it because it feels automatic, natural,
and familiar to them. So last week, when in the P.
Ditty trial in New York City, when a former girlfriend
(16:29):
who's going under the pseudonym Jane, and I just want
everyone to pause there for a moment. They're trying the
internet and reporters are trying to find out her identities
so they can go an interviewer, and they need to stop.
This woman has been through enough trauma. She does not
need her true identity revealed. She talked about quite a
(16:51):
roller coaster relationship, but also her deep love for P.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Ditty.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Remember watch that word love, her version of love, and
all so the pain that she endured trying to preserve
their relationship. If you mix love with pain, that's called
a traumatic bond. Now, little background for you. Attachment theory,
originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth,
(17:20):
said that how babies, toddlers, and children interact with their
caregivers shape our here's some psychobabble for you, our internal
working model for love. How about they make us feel
our version of love, our version of safety, and our
version of self worth. And so for someone like Jane
(17:46):
in her adult romantic relationships, she would have what I
would call an anxious, preoccupied attachment style. And maybe this
sounds like you or someone you know, but here are
some of the symptoms. Activation of the attachment system, clingy, worried,
fear of abandonment, who's he with, where's he going?
Speaker 2 (18:06):
When is he calling again? What's happening?
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Hyper activation of the attachment system. Also very low self
worth right. Plus this they call it high other worth,
meaning that this idealized version of how perfect we think
other people are. So clearly in her testimony she talked
about how great she thought she referred to me as Sean.
(18:30):
Sean was piditty, deep fear of rejection, also paired with
emotional dependency and a big tendency to stay in painful
relationships for fear of being alone. This profile represents many,
many victims of domestic violence, whether it be emotional violence
(18:54):
or physical violence. So let's talk a little bit about
her testimony and how this supports what I've just said
about anxious attachment style, she was asked. And so, if
you guys haven't been following it, she was his girlfriend.
He a single mom, no less. He put her up
in a house at ten thousand dollars a month rent.
(19:15):
So you're thinking, oh, that's so great. But she was
on call twenty four to seven for these what she
called hotel nights, or she would have to show up
looking very attractive, hair makeup, lingerie, high heels, and she
would be forced to have sex with a stream of
men that he called entertainers, sometimes getting hurt in the thing.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Sometimes.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
She said, she chronic had yeast infection, she chronic had
other vagelan infection, She chronically had urinary tract infection. She
was always on antibiotics. She hated it so much that
she had to do drugs to get through it right.
She tried to do it without drugs, but she was
so repulsed by it. So the lawyers asked her did
she want to engage with these men during a hotel nights?
Speaker 2 (20:00):
And she quietly whispered, no, just sean now.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Even though she had this feeling, ninety percent of her
sexual encounters included other people.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
While he watched she.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Was holding on for that sliver of maybe I'll get
to be with him, the one I really love back
in twenty twenty three, By the way they were together,
I think since twenty twenty one till recently. In text messages,
she confessed feeling compelled into these encounters and she regretted it, saying,
(20:33):
my heart is really in this and it's breaking.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Right.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Terrible event happened to her on her birthday where she
thought she was finally going to have a private date
alone with her quote unquote boyfriend, and instead he orchestrated
a bunch of group encounters. She said, I just didn't
expect that, and I just accepted it. This is an
example of how people can feel numb, and there the
(21:01):
pain becomes routine, like I just accepted it, right. She
talks about feeling like a robot just turning robotic. That's
the numbness, right, She said, I just felt like at
this point I'd done so many of these I had
just turned into this person, and I would just begin
to do it again.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Now.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
Also, he expressed coerce love right. He had financial leverage
over her. He kept threatening that he would take her
house away and she was a mother. She says she
was actually really coerced through this sense of obligation. She said,
I was doing things that made me disgusted with myself, right,
(21:44):
And she would turn to him despite the sadness. Right,
She said, I would really fight to block out how
sad I was feeling after right. So this is this
deep longing for love, This is this fear of abandonment.
(22:04):
This is suppressing one's own needs, one's own emotions, and
above all, this feeling of confusion. I'm telling you this
because every relationship between an anxious person and somebody who
dominates them is not one that involves violence or having
to have sex with other people ah.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
But if you're in a romantic relationship and your strongest
feeling is confusion, that is not love.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Right.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
I was always confused when I was dating those playboys
because they would come and go in the most inconsistent ways.
It was hard to get them to commit to a relationship,
and I was just I was in love with hope.
I was holding on to hope. And if you're in
a relationship like that, I promise you you can change
your attachment style.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
I did it.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
I'm in a healthy, secure marriage right now. I have
a great attachment with my kids. It took years of therapy,
but I'm telling you nobody needs to surrender their autonomy
like Jane did. It's very sad, all right, when we
come back, do you dry beg in your relationship?
Speaker 2 (23:12):
It's not what you think it is. Dry beg. I'll
talk about it when we come back.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
K I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Heather,
are you there?
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Yes, I'm here.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
You know. I was just so one of my many
other jobs I have lots of jobs, is I'm a
contributor to nine Network Australia, their version of the Today Show.
And there's a reporter here in town covering the rites.
I was just on Instagram on the break and I
watched Or get shot with a rubber bullet.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Wow, this is real.
Speaker 4 (23:54):
Yeah, this is real. So this situation downtown does not
seem to be easing up, at least in the area
on Los Angeles Street at the Alameda and Union Station overpass.
That's the area that we're keeping a close eye on
right now. What's happening is there's still several hundred people
a couple hundred people there on the overpass and a
(24:14):
few outliers seem to be really targeting these CHP units
that were initially called onto the freeway, the one on
one southbound to stop protesters from walking onto the freeway
and blocking traffic, and they were stopped there and parked there. Well,
people saw that from the overpass on Los Angeles Street
there and they have started. Over the last hour or so,
(24:35):
they have been trashing these I think there's like maybe
three units that I can see. They're trying to set
them on fire. They're dropping scooters, they're dropping rocks. But
I think the thing that's the most pressing and the
most concerning at this point is there's about three to
maybe five I can't quite see exactly how many officers
that are hiding under the overpass right now to stay
(24:57):
out of harm's way as people above are dropping things.
They're they're lighting brown bags on fire and dropping them
onto these vehicles. Now, the officers that are under the
overpass right now, they have fire extinguishers, so we see
them pop out and you know, use the fire extinguisher
on the closest vehicle and then they kind of run
(25:17):
back under. That's the biggest thing.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
People are so good to get arrested. They're going to
get arrested. I mean, well, what's interesting a peace officer.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
Yeah, we don't see. There's not a lot of officer
presence in this area right now. I don't see, you know,
it doesn't seem like anybody is moving in to stop
this crowd. They've been here on this particular bridge for
well over an hour now, just destroy these these units,
and they don't seem to be I don't see any
officers anywhere in the area. I'm sure they're there. Maybe
(25:48):
they're they're getting like a plan together, but as of
right now, these.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
But an hour, where's the backup?
Speaker 4 (25:53):
Yeah, I don't know where they are at this point.
But these these units are trashed, and the officers are
hiding under the bridge, taking shelter from the people who
are above on the overpass, just dropping rocks anything they
can get their hands on trash cans. I see the
whole freeway, the one on one is littered with scooters, rocks, trash.
Oh my gosh, somebody just threw a flaming traffic cone.
(26:16):
It was set on fire. Just threw a traffic cone
down there. So this is still a pretty volatile situation
at least in this area of downtown LA. We're going
to keep an eye on it. Also want to let
everybody know that coming up at eight o'clock, LAPD Chief
Jim McDonald is expected to speak out for the first time,
and we are going to be carrying that live. If
he's coming up at the top of the eye, we're
(26:37):
going to try to capture what he has to say
about this. But hopefully the police can move in into
this area because these folks do not seem to be
backing down. In fact, they seem to be getting more
and more worked up.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
Heather, can you help me understand why the weimo they're
not Tesla's. Are people thinking they're teslass No?
Speaker 4 (26:57):
I think they just want to destroy things at this point,
and they won't hurt any drivers, right right. I mean,
the people who are down there right now do not
seem to be having any other purpose other than just
to destroy. And you know, that's that's really all it
looks like from you know, my perspective. Obviously I'm not
down there right now, but from this vantage point, it
(27:18):
looks like they're just wanting to destroy and cause problems.
And there's a the about one hundred maybe a couple
hundred more people just lining the one on one freeway
watching and there's a couple dozen people who are actively
the ones like throwing and trashing, trashing it. Wait, hold
on second, I'm seeing sience. Here's another unit has just
pulled up. We can see his lights are on. I
(27:40):
think he's probably there to pick up the other officers
that are hiding under the bridge, or maybe they're going
to try to stop it. Nope, they've got that. It's
on fire now. They managed to set the CHP unit
on fire. It is fully engulfed. You can see one
of them officers has.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
A And where are the officers that were in that.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
Car they're under Well, they're out. The officers were not.
There was nobody in these cars. That's why they i
when they first started trashing them. But there's an officer
who just tried to step out quickly and douse the fire.
But he ran out. Looks like his extinguisher is out
of juice there, and so he's hid. He ran back
under the overpass, and they've got another one now.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
You know, earlier I was talking about attachment injuries that
can happen to children and immigrant families, but we should
not forget our peace officers and the dangers that they
are in. Oh and many of them are fathers and
mothers who have children at home. I mean, everyone just
needs to calm down and take a breath. I'm just, yeah,
(28:40):
it's heartbroken about what's happening in our city.
Speaker 4 (28:43):
It's still a very volatile situation right now. You know,
the officers are doing anything. Can see them right now.
There's an officer that's stepping out, and people are throwing things.
You know, from this vantage point, it looks like they're
amy for the car, but they could also be amy
for the officers. And you know, I don't understand where
where the police units are right now? Where is the CHP.
(29:04):
These people are have been unchecked and unstopped now for
well over an hour in this area.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
Well keep an eye on it. I'm going to go
back to my content.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
But please jump in Heather if something happens, absolutely we
got you.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
You need to know. Okay, thank you so much for
that report.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
It's funny that I talk about how to have calmer,
better personal relationships and then I watch this kind of violence,
this kind of anger. You know, anger is a messenger,
but it does not have to turn into action, certainly
(29:43):
not action that puts the lives of other people in
harm's way. I think that people need to understand that
it's okay to be mad, it's okay to not like
what's going on, and there are ways to deal with
a peaceful wrotests. Write a letter, vote vote, vote, vote right,
(30:04):
there are ways to deal with it. And the same
thing when I talk about our personal relationships, I mentioned
that I wanted to talk about this trend called dry begging. No,
it doesn't sound like that other thing, dry whatever. But
in many people's relationships and in their family of origin,
they weren't taught how to communicate and how to get
(30:25):
their needs met in a healthy way.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Right, So what they do is so.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Some of you may be going, well, I know, I
don't know. I actually have a friend who's that way.
She's like, you are so direct and you just say stuff.
I don't know how to do that, she said, I
just freeze up. There's nothing. So what some people do
is they just drop these hints, or they try to
guilt the other person at with little comments right, like
maybe someone just sighs loudly in the kitchen or says
(30:53):
something like, well, must be nice to sit and relax,
instead of saying, hey, honey, which you mind helping me
with dishes? I'm really tired? Why is that so hard?
But somehow their feelings were not validated as children. They
were perhaps told that children should be seen and not heard,
and so as a result, there are lots of adults
(31:15):
walking around who would rather do a sarcastic dig than
actually just say it right. I talk about doctor John
Gotman a lot at the University of Washington. He's a
psychologist who studied thousands and thousands of couples in his
love lab, and he talks about something called bids for connection.
And these are tiny attempts to either get your partner's
(31:38):
attention or get affirmation from them, or get affection from them.
But in order for those bids for attention to work,
bids for connection to work, they have to be seen,
They have to be understood, and they have to be
responded to. Bottom line, we cannot expect our partner to
(31:58):
be a mind reader, right, So dry begging is this
one technique that probably worked as kids with parents, and
that's guilty somebody, I just try to If I could
just make them feel guilty, then they'll do something. Right,
So you could say something like can you wait a
(32:24):
few minutes, I've just had a really rough day, if
somebody's asking you to do it, instead of things like
I guess you don't care what I've been through? Right,
You see the difference if someone says, honey, can you
take out the trash right after you came in the door,
and you've just been in traffic for an hour and
you're tired and the kids are around your feet, you
could say, I want to help. Can you just hold
(32:45):
on for a minute. I had a rough day, instead
of oh, you can't see what I've been through? This
blaming this, pointing fingers and blaming. Right, you know, couples
who have strong emotional intelligence.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
And it can be learned.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
It can be learned, and people who have good direct
communication skills are much more likely to resolve conflict and
they're much more likely to stay in love and stay together.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
So, if you realize that your style is to do
a bit of dry begging, a little bit of sarcasm,
a little bit of guilt guilting somebody, right, here's some
things you can do to change. Right before you bring
anything up. Always check your emotional temperature, because you know
if you're already mad, too mad, you're never going to
(33:33):
let it get out in a way that's going to
be heard and accepted. Just be clear about your needs.
Ask yourself, what do I really want? Am I looking
for comfort?
Speaker 3 (33:43):
Here?
Speaker 2 (33:43):
Support? Help?
Speaker 1 (33:44):
And how do I find some words to use? I
I feel overwhelmed. I would love some with some help tonight.
I They respond so much better than you. Remember, your
partner's not a mind reader. They are not supposed to
read your mind. Hey, when we come back, I'm going
to my social media to answer your relationship questions. The
handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh, Kayler,
(34:07):
let's go to Instagram tonight. So open up your Instagram
search doctor Wendy Wall semi a relationship question.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Let's get into it.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
When I come back, you're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
Appf I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Okay,
you know me.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
I talk about love, sex, relationships, even workplace relationships, a
lot of an attachment. I'm a psychology professor. I do
not get into politics. However, what is going on in
our city right now has psychological ramifications. So I want
(00:35):
to talk a little bit, not about politics, but about
attachment and immigration trauma. So I'm going to remind you
this isn't a chat about politics. It is not a
chat about placing blame of parents on parents who are undocumented.
It's I'm not talking about lawmakers who made a decision
(00:57):
or didn't make a decision. If you take that from this,
that's in your head. I'm also not going to comment
on service members who are performing their orders. None of
that matters. I just want to talk about the mental
health of children as the result of this current and
many other immigration crackdowns in this country. And here's what
(01:20):
I'm going to ask you. I'm going to ask you
to try not to judge, try not to place blame,
or more importantly, try not to dismiss. I think together
here our KFI listeners are pretty compassionate people, and I
think we need to open our hearts to children, innocent children.
They're all innocent, caught in the crossfire of a changing America.
(01:46):
So immigration crackdowns are not just legal events, they're actually
attachment traumas. And the research is clear forced separation essential
bonds in a child's mind can trigger toxic stress, mental
health disorders, far reaching effects for kids and parents. Right
(02:10):
and even after parents reunite, the psychological wounds of what
happened in that relationship often endure, and those wounds can
spill over into dangers of physical health, academic outcomes, they
can impact and future relationship stability. We learn how to
(02:30):
love based on how we were loved. So here's what
the research says that immediately after let's say a crackdown
happens and a mother or a father is torn from
their kids' kids or sent home, people are separated whatever
may be. Studies have shown that abrupt separation can cause
(02:50):
symptoms of toxic stress and attachment insecurity. And so what
happens is the kids start to exhibit something we call
hyper vigilant behavior. Also, I'm going to talk in a
minute about p Ditty's former girlfriend under the pseudonym Jane.
She had the same kind of hypervigilance. Hypervigilance is where
(03:11):
they're going, Why are they leaving? What's happening is somebody
leaving me. It's like this abandonment anxiety. It can also
create emotional numbing. I don't feel anything, I don't notice,
I don't care. It can trigger flashbacks, not unlike post
traumatic stress disorder or extreme cleanness or regressive behavior. An
older child could start wetting the bed again.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Right, So.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
We know that when John Bowlby came up with the
idea of attachment theory, he's the father of attachment theory.
He know he determined that separation from kids and parents,
abrupt separation can cause high rates of post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression,
(03:57):
poor physical health. But more important, and more importantly, as importantly,
in addition, let's not rank them, it can cause someone
to have an inability to love and care for another.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Also, it tends to be intergenerational, and coke can go
on for a very very very long time. All Right
when we come back, I want to continue talking about
this a little bit.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
And also something I teach in my.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Health psychology class, which is the immigrant health paradox. You
might be surprised to learn something about healthy immigrants who
come to this country. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Wallsh Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show. I'm talking about
the inter general or the attachment trauma that can happen
when families are separated through immigration or through crackdowns that
disrupt the family system and tear children from their families.
(05:10):
It is also creates a cycle of trauma that literally
changes genes. The world of epigenetics has learned that what
we are living today and our perfect little bodies are
also is also the trauma of our parents and grandparents
and their grandparents. It is only through going to therapy
(05:32):
casting a light on why you're doing something and trying
to use your mind and your brain to make different decisions.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
But this is hard.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
I mean, when you talk about these attachment injuries and
an ability to inability to love, it can go through many,
many generations before healing takes place. My favorite metaphor to
describe how intergenerational psychology works is a mom and daughter
are cooking a Thanksgiving ham. I don't know why they
(06:03):
thinks ham on their Thanksgiving, but they do. And the
mom says, well, you need to cut it in half
before you begin to roast it, so you do it
in two pieces. And the daughter said, oh, well, why
do we do that, mom? And she said, I don't know.
We did it that way because my mom always did it.
So they called grandma and they say, Grandma, we're just curious,
why do you cut the ham in fat in half
(06:23):
before you cook it? And she said, I don't know,
my mother always did that. I it's just what you do.
So then they call the great grandmother, who's in the
old age facility, a little bit senile but has moments
of lucidity, and they say, hey, great grandma, why do
we cut the ham in two pieces before we roast it?
(06:46):
And she said, oh, because I only had a small pan.
You see, something that impacted one generation can change behavior
in many other generations, even when they don't know why.
And so this inability to trust, love, or constantly feeling abandoned,
(07:06):
this is all part of attachment anxiety. So I mentioned
that I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. And
one of the things I teach at California State University,
Channel Islands is the immigrant health paradox. So what's really
interesting is that poverty is highly correlated with low birth
(07:27):
weight babies, except in a huge chunk of New Americans immigrants.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
The immigrant birthweight paradox refers to the phenomenon where mothers
were born in other countries tend to come to this country,
and when they do eventually get pregnant, they have higher
birth weight infants, healthier babies. Right, So how could this
possibly be right? You know, they're facing language, bear, lower
(08:00):
socioeconomic status, they may have limited access to healthcare, but
their babies are born healthier. Well, there are a number
of factors that create this. One is called the selection effect.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
The women who are able to immigrate, whether they're swimming
across rivers or oceans, whether they're in the back of
trucks whatever, they walk over a mountain. I don't know
what they had to do to get here, but those
women tend to be stronger and healthier to begin with. Right.
The other thing is when they get here, there are
(08:35):
these ethnic enclaves where they can have a lot of
social support. They might have really good social networks around them,
and they might have good cultural values around practices having
to do with childbirth and nutrition and prenatal care, having
a circle of women around them helping them. So what's
(08:56):
really interesting is that's for the first generation, next generation.
Once they're eating the American diet and are part of
torn about families that are torn up and there aren't
multi generational families around, they go back to having low birth.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Weight babies like everybody else. Anyway.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
I find that fascinating, And I just want to add
that anything I'm saying about what has been going on
in the last three days in our city is not
intended to influence any political belief you may have. It's
not to talk about right or wrong, is to just
understand that this goes on. I want to remind everybody
(09:33):
that I am an immigrant and there were years when
I applied for jobs that I had to show my
work visa, I had to show a green card. Now
I'm a citizen, but there are lots of forms you
have to fill out when you get a job to
prove that you're legal here. So the fact that they're
going after employees versus employers is fascinating to me because
(09:57):
they could do one quick sweep by walking in a
company and going, Okay, you know, you're one hundred people
that you haven't been asking documentation of. They can't they're
not allowed to work in America. I mean, there are
other ways to do it. But I do want to
say we had a little bromance clash this week. I
don't know if you remember on Friday that Trump and
(10:18):
Elon had a breakup. And let me tell you that
social media spat Trump on truth social and Elon on
X was not a good look for the most powerful
man in the world, President Donald Trump. So he had
to create a distraction for us in his reality show.
And there's no better way than if there's fire involved,
(10:42):
and and you know, guys at armed pushing back crowds
and and so, you know, rather than doing it in
a way that was just about lawyers and legals and contracts. Instead,
it became about, let's make a show for the media.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Just just say and I will say this about their breakup.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Though, So, there's lots of research to show that when
people break up, the longer you stay kind of on
the fence, like, oh, should I go back, maybe they
weren't all bad, the more pain you will have. Right,
clean break breakups actually work better to help people get
(11:27):
their mental health and their self esteem back, et cetera.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
And in addition, there's actually research.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
To show that if you, let's say you've gone through
a breakup with somebody, can think about the worst attributes
of them, the worst thing you could think of, and
you focus on that a lot, you actually have a
quicker recovery than if you're still like following them on
social media, looking at their pictures, feeling envious of who
(11:54):
they're with, wondering if she should have done that right.
And so, it's better to do a clean break in
your breakups, and it's also really good to kind of
hate them for a while, not forever. You could go
back to being friends after but a year. I think
I know everybody's different, I said to somebody the other
day that we're talking about some acts that they were
(12:15):
friends with, and I go, I'm not friends with really
any of my exes. There's one, you know, birthdays and holidays,
a quick phone call. But you know, I'm a woman
of certain age. There are hundreds of these dudes out there,
and I am not in touch with them at all.
And this person, this friend of mine, who actually was
a therapist, said, I said, is there something wrong with
(12:36):
me that I'm not friends with any of my exes?
And she said, You're taking a lot of responsibility, aren't you.
Maybe it has to do with.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
All those men.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
And I went, oh, of course, because I had my
own anxious attachment style and I was choosing men who
were more emotionally avoidant. So an emotionally avoidant dude is
not going to run back after the breakup and go
let's be friends now. I kind of wanted to stay
kind of in touch.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Can we do that?
Speaker 1 (13:05):
They don't do that, right, The avoidant ones just cut
it loose and their ship floats away. So, speaking of so,
I just want to wrap up the Trump Musk thing
by saying, my other favorite part, besides watching it chewing
on popcorn, was other people who weighed in on social media.
(13:27):
You probably saw Kanye West acting as marriage counselor.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
He tweeted brose please no, we love you Moost so much.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Right right wing activist Laura Lumer said BBB actually stands
for Big Beautiful Breakup instead of Big Beautiful Bill and
Savannah Guthrie from The Today Show I loved it. She
dismissed it as it's just seventh grade girl stuff. It's true,
we all saw this right. But my absolute favorite, I
(14:03):
have two favorites. One is a tweet from Ashley Saint Clair.
If you don't know who that is, that is one
of the baby mamas of Elon Musk, and she cheekyly
chimed in on X saying, hey, real, Donald Trump, let
me know if you need any breakup advice because apparently
she's going through a terrible court battle with him over
(14:25):
child support, et cetera. And then my other favorite favorite
was Vivian Musk. This is Elon Musk's trans daughter who
he has said terrible things about. And this young woman is,
you know, stood up on her own. I'm very proud
of how she's managed to keep her self esteem and
all she did is posted a video of her laughing
and laughing and laughing with the words over top of
(14:47):
it that said, I love being proven right. I guess
she's feeling that we're getting to see the other side
of her father. All right. When we come back, let's
talk about the p Diddy trial. There's so much in
the news having to do with relationships. A witness with
the pseudonym Jane is I believe a case study and
(15:08):
anxious attachment. We'll talk about it when we come back.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallh Show on KFI
AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
KFI AM six forty you doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. I wish a
love was about finding happiness. I wish that there was
a soulmate for everybody out there. But love is a skill,
and the skill is learned in our early life. Love
(15:44):
is less about finding happiness and sadly, more often about
finding the familiar, the familiar feeling of love and what
it felt like as a child and if that child
had a childhood filled with trauma. They will unconsciously look
for partners who will treat them the way that feels normal.
(16:08):
They will not be happy, they will feel terrible about it,
but they will continue to do it because it feels automatic, natural,
and familiar to them. So last week, when in the P.
Ditty trial in New York City, when a former girlfriend
(16:29):
who's going under the pseudonym Jane, and I just want
everyone to pause there for a moment. They're trying the
internet and reporters are trying to find out her identities
so they can go an interviewer, and they need to stop.
This woman has been through enough trauma. She does not
need her true identity revealed. She talked about quite a
(16:51):
roller coaster relationship, but also her deep love for P.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Ditty.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Remember watch that word love, her version of love, and
all so the pain that she endured trying to preserve
their relationship. If you mix love with pain, that's called
a traumatic bond. Now, little background for you. Attachment theory,
originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth,
(17:20):
said that how babies, toddlers, and children interact with their
caregivers shape our here's some psychobabble for you, our internal
working model for love. How about they make us feel
our version of love, our version of safety, and our
version of self worth. And so for someone like Jane
(17:46):
in her adult romantic relationships, she would have what I
would call an anxious, preoccupied attachment style. And maybe this
sounds like you or someone you know, but here are
some of the symptoms. Activation of the attachment system, clingy, worried,
fear of abandonment, who's he with, where's he going?
Speaker 2 (18:06):
When is he calling again? What's happening?
Speaker 1 (18:09):
Hyper activation of the attachment system. Also very low self
worth right. Plus this they call it high other worth,
meaning that this idealized version of how perfect we think
other people are. So clearly in her testimony she talked
about how great she thought she referred to me as Sean.
(18:30):
Sean was piditty, deep fear of rejection, also paired with
emotional dependency and a big tendency to stay in painful
relationships for fear of being alone. This profile represents many,
many victims of domestic violence, whether it be emotional violence
(18:54):
or physical violence. So let's talk a little bit about
her testimony and how this supports what I've just said
about anxious attachment style, she was asked. And so, if
you guys haven't been following it, she was his girlfriend.
He a single mom, no less. He put her up
in a house at ten thousand dollars a month rent.
(19:15):
So you're thinking, oh, that's so great. But she was
on call twenty four to seven for these what she
called hotel nights, or she would have to show up
looking very attractive, hair makeup, lingerie, high heels, and she
would be forced to have sex with a stream of
men that he called entertainers, sometimes getting hurt in the thing.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Sometimes.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
She said, she chronic had yeast infection, she chronic had
other vagelan infection, She chronically had urinary tract infection. She
was always on antibiotics. She hated it so much that
she had to do drugs to get through it right.
She tried to do it without drugs, but she was
so repulsed by it. So the lawyers asked her did
she want to engage with these men during a hotel nights?
Speaker 2 (20:00):
And she quietly whispered, no, just sean now.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Even though she had this feeling, ninety percent of her
sexual encounters included other people.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
While he watched she.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Was holding on for that sliver of maybe I'll get
to be with him, the one I really love back
in twenty twenty three, By the way they were together,
I think since twenty twenty one till recently. In text messages,
she confessed feeling compelled into these encounters and she regretted it, saying,
(20:33):
my heart is really in this and it's breaking.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Right.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Terrible event happened to her on her birthday where she
thought she was finally going to have a private date
alone with her quote unquote boyfriend, and instead he orchestrated
a bunch of group encounters. She said, I just didn't
expect that, and I just accepted it. This is an
example of how people can feel numb, and there the
(21:01):
pain becomes routine, like I just accepted it, right. She
talks about feeling like a robot just turning robotic. That's
the numbness, right, She said, I just felt like at
this point I'd done so many of these I had
just turned into this person, and I would just begin
to do it again.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Now.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
Also, he expressed coerce love right. He had financial leverage
over her. He kept threatening that he would take her
house away and she was a mother. She says she
was actually really coerced through this sense of obligation. She said,
I was doing things that made me disgusted with myself, right,
(21:44):
And she would turn to him despite the sadness. Right,
She said, I would really fight to block out how
sad I was feeling after right. So this is this
deep longing for love, This is this fear of abandonment.
(22:04):
This is suppressing one's own needs, one's own emotions, and
above all, this feeling of confusion. I'm telling you this
because every relationship between an anxious person and somebody who
dominates them is not one that involves violence or having
to have sex with other people ah.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
But if you're in a romantic relationship and your strongest
feeling is confusion, that is not love.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Right.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
I was always confused when I was dating those playboys
because they would come and go in the most inconsistent ways.
It was hard to get them to commit to a relationship,
and I was just I was in love with hope.
I was holding on to hope. And if you're in
a relationship like that, I promise you you can change
your attachment style.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
I did it.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
I'm in a healthy, secure marriage right now. I have
a great attachment with my kids. It took years of therapy,
but I'm telling you nobody needs to surrender their autonomy
like Jane did. It's very sad, all right, when we
come back, do you dry beg in your relationship?
Speaker 2 (23:12):
It's not what you think it is. Dry beg. I'll
talk about it when we come back.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
K I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Heather,
are you there?
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Yes, I'm here.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
You know. I was just so one of my many
other jobs I have lots of jobs, is I'm a
contributor to nine Network Australia, their version of the Today Show.
And there's a reporter here in town covering the rites.
I was just on Instagram on the break and I
watched Or get shot with a rubber bullet.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Wow, this is real.
Speaker 4 (23:54):
Yeah, this is real. So this situation downtown does not
seem to be easing up, at least in the area
on Los Angeles Street at the Alameda and Union Station overpass.
That's the area that we're keeping a close eye on
right now. What's happening is there's still several hundred people
a couple hundred people there on the overpass and a
(24:14):
few outliers seem to be really targeting these CHP units
that were initially called onto the freeway, the one on
one southbound to stop protesters from walking onto the freeway
and blocking traffic, and they were stopped there and parked there. Well,
people saw that from the overpass on Los Angeles Street
there and they have started. Over the last hour or so,
(24:35):
they have been trashing these I think there's like maybe
three units that I can see. They're trying to set
them on fire. They're dropping scooters, they're dropping rocks. But
I think the thing that's the most pressing and the
most concerning at this point is there's about three to
maybe five I can't quite see exactly how many officers
that are hiding under the overpass right now to stay
(24:57):
out of harm's way as people above are dropping things.
They're they're lighting brown bags on fire and dropping them
onto these vehicles. Now, the officers that are under the
overpass right now, they have fire extinguishers, so we see
them pop out and you know, use the fire extinguisher
on the closest vehicle and then they kind of run
(25:17):
back under. That's the biggest thing.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
People are so good to get arrested. They're going to
get arrested. I mean, well, what's interesting a peace officer.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
Yeah, we don't see. There's not a lot of officer
presence in this area right now. I don't see, you know,
it doesn't seem like anybody is moving in to stop
this crowd. They've been here on this particular bridge for
well over an hour now, just destroy these these units,
and they don't seem to be I don't see any
officers anywhere in the area. I'm sure they're there. Maybe
(25:48):
they're they're getting like a plan together, but as of
right now, these.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
But an hour, where's the backup?
Speaker 4 (25:53):
Yeah, I don't know where they are at this point.
But these these units are trashed, and the officers are
hiding under the bridge, taking shelter from the people who
are above on the overpass, just dropping rocks anything they
can get their hands on trash cans. I see the
whole freeway, the one on one is littered with scooters, rocks, trash.
Oh my gosh, somebody just threw a flaming traffic cone.
(26:16):
It was set on fire. Just threw a traffic cone
down there. So this is still a pretty volatile situation
at least in this area of downtown LA. We're going
to keep an eye on it. Also want to let
everybody know that coming up at eight o'clock, LAPD Chief
Jim McDonald is expected to speak out for the first time,
and we are going to be carrying that live. If
he's coming up at the top of the eye, we're
(26:37):
going to try to capture what he has to say
about this. But hopefully the police can move in into
this area because these folks do not seem to be
backing down. In fact, they seem to be getting more
and more worked up.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
Heather, can you help me understand why the weimo they're
not Tesla's. Are people thinking they're teslass No?
Speaker 4 (26:57):
I think they just want to destroy things at this point,
and they won't hurt any drivers, right right. I mean,
the people who are down there right now do not
seem to be having any other purpose other than just
to destroy. And you know, that's that's really all it
looks like from you know, my perspective. Obviously I'm not
down there right now, but from this vantage point, it
(27:18):
looks like they're just wanting to destroy and cause problems.
And there's a the about one hundred maybe a couple
hundred more people just lining the one on one freeway
watching and there's a couple dozen people who are actively
the ones like throwing and trashing, trashing it. Wait, hold
on second, I'm seeing sience. Here's another unit has just
pulled up. We can see his lights are on. I
(27:40):
think he's probably there to pick up the other officers
that are hiding under the bridge, or maybe they're going
to try to stop it. Nope, they've got that. It's
on fire now. They managed to set the CHP unit
on fire. It is fully engulfed. You can see one
of them officers has.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
A And where are the officers that were in that.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
Car they're under Well, they're out. The officers were not.
There was nobody in these cars. That's why they i
when they first started trashing them. But there's an officer
who just tried to step out quickly and douse the fire.
But he ran out. Looks like his extinguisher is out
of juice there, and so he's hid. He ran back
under the overpass, and they've got another one now.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
You know, earlier I was talking about attachment injuries that
can happen to children and immigrant families, but we should
not forget our peace officers and the dangers that they
are in. Oh and many of them are fathers and
mothers who have children at home. I mean, everyone just
needs to calm down and take a breath. I'm just, yeah,
(28:40):
it's heartbroken about what's happening in our city.
Speaker 4 (28:43):
It's still a very volatile situation right now. You know,
the officers are doing anything. Can see them right now.
There's an officer that's stepping out, and people are throwing things.
You know, from this vantage point, it looks like they're
amy for the car, but they could also be amy
for the officers. And you know, I don't understand where
where the police units are right now? Where is the CHP.
(29:04):
These people are have been unchecked and unstopped now for
well over an hour in this area.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
Well keep an eye on it. I'm going to go
back to my content.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
But please jump in Heather if something happens, absolutely we
got you.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
You need to know. Okay, thank you so much for
that report.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
It's funny that I talk about how to have calmer,
better personal relationships and then I watch this kind of violence,
this kind of anger. You know, anger is a messenger,
but it does not have to turn into action, certainly
(29:43):
not action that puts the lives of other people in
harm's way. I think that people need to understand that
it's okay to be mad, it's okay to not like
what's going on, and there are ways to deal with
a peaceful wrotests. Write a letter, vote vote, vote, vote right,
(30:04):
there are ways to deal with it. And the same
thing when I talk about our personal relationships, I mentioned
that I wanted to talk about this trend called dry begging. No,
it doesn't sound like that other thing, dry whatever. But
in many people's relationships and in their family of origin,
they weren't taught how to communicate and how to get
(30:25):
their needs met in a healthy way.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Right, So what they do is so.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Some of you may be going, well, I know, I
don't know. I actually have a friend who's that way.
She's like, you are so direct and you just say stuff.
I don't know how to do that, she said, I
just freeze up. There's nothing. So what some people do
is they just drop these hints, or they try to
guilt the other person at with little comments right, like
maybe someone just sighs loudly in the kitchen or says
(30:53):
something like, well, must be nice to sit and relax,
instead of saying, hey, honey, which you mind helping me
with dishes? I'm really tired? Why is that so hard?
But somehow their feelings were not validated as children. They
were perhaps told that children should be seen and not heard,
and so as a result, there are lots of adults
(31:15):
walking around who would rather do a sarcastic dig than
actually just say it right. I talk about doctor John
Gotman a lot at the University of Washington. He's a
psychologist who studied thousands and thousands of couples in his
love lab, and he talks about something called bids for connection.
And these are tiny attempts to either get your partner's
(31:38):
attention or get affirmation from them, or get affection from them.
But in order for those bids for attention to work,
bids for connection to work, they have to be seen,
They have to be understood, and they have to be
responded to. Bottom line, we cannot expect our partner to
(31:58):
be a mind reader, right, So dry begging is this
one technique that probably worked as kids with parents, and
that's guilty somebody, I just try to If I could
just make them feel guilty, then they'll do something. Right,
So you could say something like can you wait a
(32:24):
few minutes, I've just had a really rough day, if
somebody's asking you to do it, instead of things like
I guess you don't care what I've been through? Right,
You see the difference if someone says, honey, can you
take out the trash right after you came in the door,
and you've just been in traffic for an hour and
you're tired and the kids are around your feet, you
could say, I want to help. Can you just hold
(32:45):
on for a minute. I had a rough day, instead
of oh, you can't see what I've been through? This
blaming this, pointing fingers and blaming. Right, you know, couples
who have strong emotional intelligence.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
And it can be learned.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
It can be learned, and people who have good direct
communication skills are much more likely to resolve conflict and
they're much more likely to stay in love and stay together.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
So, if you realize that your style is to do
a bit of dry begging, a little bit of sarcasm,
a little bit of guilt guilting somebody, right, here's some
things you can do to change. Right before you bring
anything up. Always check your emotional temperature, because you know
if you're already mad, too mad, you're never going to
(33:33):
let it get out in a way that's going to
be heard and accepted. Just be clear about your needs.
Ask yourself, what do I really want? Am I looking
for comfort?
Speaker 3 (33:43):
Here?
Speaker 2 (33:43):
Support? Help?
Speaker 1 (33:44):
And how do I find some words to use? I
I feel overwhelmed. I would love some with some help tonight.
I They respond so much better than you. Remember, your
partner's not a mind reader. They are not supposed to
read your mind. Hey, when we come back, I'm going
to my social media to answer your relationship questions. The
handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh, Kayler,
(34:07):
let's go to Instagram tonight. So open up your Instagram
search doctor Wendy Wall semi a relationship question.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Let's get into it.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
When I come back, you're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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