Dr. Wendy is covering the world happiness study, and three important questions to ask on a date. PLUS she is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio appf I Am six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show. I want you to sit back. We need
to talk about our happiness and what we can be
doing to feel much happier. Also, if you're going on
(00:22):
a first date, you better listen up because I've got
three questions that you must ask somebody on a first date. Also,
later in the show, one of the world's authorities on
masculinity joins us to talk about modern masculinity and dating
app etiquette for men. So if you're a dude, hang
in there. We got news for you. If you're new
(00:42):
to my show, I have a PhD in clinical psychology.
I'm a psychology professor at California State University Channel Islands
Go Dolphins. I've written three books on relationships because I
am obsessed with the science of love, and I wrote
a dissertation on attachment theory, and I every time I
read a new study, read something in a textbook, I'm like,
(01:04):
oh my gosh, everybody should know this. I need to
tell everybody on Sunday and KFI. So I've been here
for the last decade preaching good mental health and healthy
relationships to you guys. So that's why I was a
little disturbed because this week the twenty twenty five World
Happiness Report came out and the news for Americans is
(01:27):
not so good. For the first time, the happiness levels
of US citizens have dropped out of the top twenty.
They didn't just go down to twenty one. They went
down to twenty four, ranking amongst one hundred and forty countries.
This is not good news. The big news is that Finland.
(01:47):
We always hear about Finland. What are they doing just
wrapped up hooking in their little blankets with their candles on,
eating some delicious stew reindeer stew. Maybe I don't know.
They are long known as the happiest country in the world.
They still rank number one for the past eight years. Heyleb,
why do you think we're so unhappy? I produced, Kayla,
(02:09):
how are you?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I am wonderful doctor, and I'm happy good. I don't
know diet our diets awful.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
You know that's interesting. You mentioned that because you know,
there's a group of scientists at Harvard who are studying
food and the connection between food and mood, food and
mental health. Right, what are they called, nutri food? Nutraceuticals.
Nutriceuticals sounds like it, doesn't it?
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Nutrition?
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Some of it's what we eat. What
else you think we're doing wrong?
Speaker 3 (02:40):
Building for the wrong people?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Oh see, there you go. I'm sorry, so no, but
you were kind of on par What I'm talking about
is polarization. So what happens is when when groups of
people start to think that we're on two teams instead
of one, like for instance right now. So you know,
if you been listening to me for a lot of years,
I am proud to be an American. I think there's
(03:04):
a song that goes like that, proud to be an American.
But I was born a Canadian, so I'm also a Canadian.
So I was talking to my brother who's as you
can imagine, it's very angry up there. The Canadians are mad.
Oh they're a little pissed off.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Eh.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
So he said, well, I can't visit you for the
next four years, just letting you know. I can't spend
a penny in the U I'm like, okay, okay, but
he did mention in our conversation that the whole country
has come together. You know, Canada, like many countries around
the world, was starting to get polarized too. There was
some more conservative groups, more liberal groups, and now it's
like we are all together as one country. I think
(03:39):
we need to have a little more of that in America.
But to explain how this World Happiness Report comes about,
they use Gallup poll data and it is scientists from
social scientists from Harvard and Oxford, and they poll people
in one hundred and forty countries and they ask them
to basically score their life based on things like their health,
(04:01):
how healthy, how do you feel your income, how much
social support do you have, how much freedom do you have,
how generous do you think people are? What is your
perception of corruption, including corporate corruption or governmental corruption. So,
not surprisingly, countries who place emphasis on the social welfare
(04:23):
of their citizens tended to score the highest. Those would
be those Nordic countries and countries who experience authoritarian governments
and wars the score the lowest. That includes Afghanistan and Lebanon,
for instance. Here's one of the most exciting findings about
the Happiness Study. For the first time in history, Mexico
(04:44):
made it into the top ten as one of the
happiest countries in the world. Isn't that cool? Now again
they have pulled together as one country against the Gulf
of Mexico or Golf of America. I don't know what
it is anymore, depends what a search engine you're looking
at her. But they have pulled together again and to
America and it made them feel more happy. But here's
the big news that I care about. Forget politics. This
(05:07):
research shows that there is a strong relationship between our
social connections and our happiness because remember, the researchers looked
at things like sharing, trust, living together, connecting with others.
You know, I happen to teach health psychology and it's
far from a diet and exercise class. I mostly talk
about how our relationships impact our health. Our relationships obviously
(05:31):
romantic relationships with family, friends, co workers, and how this
affects our physical and our mental health. Remember, humans evolved
to travel in small herds. We need family and friends.
Our most inhumane punishment, think about it, is solitary confinement.
So having other people around us makes us feel safe
(05:52):
and secure, and that can positively affect every single cell
in our bodies. Now deep into the study, trying to
figure out if there was some new news they came
up with, and I found some. The study pointed to
one particular behavior, something all of us can do that
is highly related to happiness. In fact, this behavior was
(06:16):
an exceptionally strong indicator of well being. It had the
same benefit of getting a job after unemployment or getting
a surprise boost of happiness with a big raise.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
So you ready for it?
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Can you guess what it is?
Speaker 4 (06:30):
Kayla?
Speaker 1 (06:30):
With one thing we could be doing every day make
us happier. It feels as good as getting a.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
New job, leaning into gratitude, just saying thank you for
little things.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Okay, that's one, but it's not this one man sharing
meals with other people.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
I do love that.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Yeah. Well, the survey asked people how often they ate
alone and discovered that one in four Americans had eaten
all three meals alone the day before they were asked
the question, I know, isn't that terrible? Scays we can
fix this. When you're in your office tomorrow, look around
at your co workers and say you want to grab
a bite just eat with somebody, okay. And the other
(07:09):
thing is trust. Happiness is really an inside job. We
must learn to trust other people. The study found that
when people mistrust those around them, including their government, their neighbors,
their workplace, they have a huge decrease in happiness. And
one of the big psychological differences between people who live
in those happy Nordic countries and the more unhappy places
(07:31):
like the US is mindset. When people in Nordic countries
see a stranger, they're more likely to imagine a friend
they haven't met yet versus a potential enemy. This is
something we all can change. Literally, we can change our thoughts.
We can ask ourselves whenever we meet someone is huh,
who is this kind and interesting person? Let me meet them?
(07:52):
And this causes a big boost and happiness along with
the things you mentioned, Kayla, like a gratitude, charitable giving.
Did you know what helps the giver more than the getter?
Speaker 5 (08:02):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Makes you feel good? So you got to share? All right?
Well we could back. Are you single? Are you tired
of being single? You ready to meet somebody? All right?
Don't waste your time talking about music and films on
your dates. Well you can mix it in there. I'm
going to tell you the three most important questions that
you must ask on a first date, according to Doctor
Wendy's wisdom. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall
(08:24):
Show on KFI AM six forty with Live Everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6 (08:29):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Crowd will see you singing along. It must be a
favorite song of yours. Welcome back to Dr Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty, Live Everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. I would like to welcome my TikTok audience.
If you're not following me on TikTok, you should do it.
You simply open the TikTok app as long as it's
here and no I think they're looking for an American
(08:56):
buyer or something. They're going to say around for sure
they are, and you type in doctor Wendy Walsh and
they'll see me. You will also feel see a whole
bunch of fake Doctor Wendy Walsh's find the real one,
the one with a million of followers, and that'll be me.
There are a lot of people who just take my
pictures off the internet and my name and pretend to
be me. This is part of life on the internet,
(09:19):
all right. Reminder to everybody. I'm a psychology professor, not
a therapist, but I have just been obsessed with the
science of love for decades and I've written three books
on relationships. I wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, and
as a result, I've come up with some ideas, right,
and one of the things I want to talk about
(09:39):
is how people miss opportunities to grow healthy relationships in
the early stages of dating simply because they don't ask
the right questions. Right. So I have a few that
I think are important questions to ask. If you're watching
on TikTok, why don't you type in the comment bar there,
what question? So you think people should be asking on
(10:01):
first dates. If I see ones I like, I'll talk
about it on the air. So let's see the first
one is I love this one. I thought this one
years ago when I was writing my book called The
Boyfriend Test, and the question is simply, are you in
a relationship right now? I know, seems like a crazy question,
right because you might have met them on an app
(10:23):
or IRL in real life, and if they asked you
on a date, then they must be single, right, And
if they're not, they're going to lie. So why would
you even ask the question. I'll tell you why you
should ask the question. It is their reaction to this
seemingly silly question that is very telling. If they find
(10:45):
your question humorous and they see it as a cute joke,
they're going to laugh. This tells you they have a
sense of humor.
Speaker 6 (10:53):
Right.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Sometimes you might actually get some real honesty. They might say, actually,
I am seeing a couple of people, and that opens
up a whole conversation about well, what are you looking for?
Are you looking for a long term, committed, healthy relationship
or something casual? So it just explains things instead of
just wondering.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
But if they get defensive and if they say, of
course I'm single, why would I be on this date?
I don't know I did that voice. But if they
did that, then they're probably not single or they have
a short fuse. Two things you have to be careful with.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Now.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I also like when I asked this question, I would
say make it fun, right, like lower your voice and go, hey,
I have a really important question to ask you. Okay,
it's very personal. I hope you don't mind. Are you
in a relationship right now? And again, you're going to
get a hearty laugh from the single guy who finds
out a funny question right now. There's also another follow
(11:57):
up question if you're really brave, and that question is,
so I understand that you're not in a relationship. Is
there anybody out there who thinks they're in a relationship
with you? This is a good one because there might
be other people who they've been dating lightly and misleading
(12:17):
and thinking and they're like, yeah, well, actually there is
this person, but I'm really not that into her. But
you won't want really why can't you be clear with her?
Why can't you would tell her? Okay, So that's question
number one. Are you in a relationship right now? Question
number two that you should ask on a first date.
And again, this shouldn't be like go in there with
a list of questions like a journalist. This is talk
(12:38):
about the food and the weather and the restaurant and
the movies and the music, and slip these in at
different times. So the second question is write it down. Yes, Oh,
I love this one. What's the longest relationship you've ever had?
This is a super important question depending on the person's age. Okay,
if somebody is age eighteen to twenty five, they're allowed
(13:01):
to say, actually, haven't had a relationship yet, I've had
a few dates. Whatever. If somebody is over thirty and
they have not committed at least a calendar year to somebody,
then you got to wonder about their attachment style. You
got to wonder about their commitment phobia. You got to
wonder if they have an ability to be attached to someone. So, kaylor,
(13:25):
are you looking up like, wait, I'm thirty, You've had
a boyfriend for a year at some point.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Oh yeah, I was in a six year relationship, but
live in relationship.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
She was in a six year relationship. She's thirty, So okay,
she passed the test, right. It's the ones that haven't
been in a relationship at all are they have a
belief system that the only reason they're not in a
relationship or a long term relationship is because they haven't
met the one when actually, if you have good relationship skills,
(13:53):
you are more attractive to more people, and you are
attracted to more people because you're able to nego commitment,
have good communication skills, et cetera, et cetera, have good
sexual communication everything, right, So it's really important long relationship,
that's what you're looking for.
Speaker 4 (14:10):
You know.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Even the people who have a secure attachment style, they
might not get married in their twenties, but they do
kind of play house, you know, they have commitments, et cetera.
All right, Now, the big one. When I wrote my
book The Boyfriend Test, way back when I put points
to all these different questions, and this was the single
question that got the most amount of points for its value.
(14:32):
How would you describe your relationship with your mother? Now,
there are other ways to say it, like how's your mom?
I don't know, haven't talked to her in two years,
or how's your mom? Oh? Great, she's waiting in the
car outside. And here are the two extremes that you
want to watch out for. If somebody is angry with
their mother, eventually they're going to turn that anger onto you.
(14:57):
Because this primary relationship is so informative and it so
structures our model for love in our mind that it's
really important you have somebody who has a healthy relationship
with mom. Now, Also, if they're a little too enmeshed
and too close and they're talking to mom three times
a day, and they're bringing their laundry over there on Sundays,
they're having dinner with their twice and she knows everything
about their life. And they're a thirty seven year old male.
(15:18):
You will only ever be the mistress because he already
has a wife. All right, So I didn't use to
notice this in my single dating days. That particularly single
mothers with only one child, and if that child was male,
sometimes that enmeshment happened. They start to not parentify what
would I call it, boyfriend I they turn their kid
(15:40):
into their boyfriend in some way. All right, when we
come back, I am going to be taking your questions live.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one KFI.
That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
If you have a relationship question and you would like
me to weigh in, I will keep your name anonymous.
(16:00):
You can change your name whatever you need to do,
but I'm happy to weigh in. One eight hundred five
two zero one five three four. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI Am six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6 (16:14):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
KFI Am six forty, you have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to
welcome my Instagram audience. If you'd like to come into
our iHeartRadio studio here at KFI in Bourban, California, just
log onto my Instagram right now. The handle is at
doctor Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh. Yes, you
(16:42):
guys like the clash. The phone number if you'd like
to call in with a relationship question is one eight
hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one
eight hundred five two zero one KFI. Okay, Producer Kayla,
who do we have?
Speaker 3 (16:56):
First? We have Ray with the question Ray.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Hello, Ray, It's Wendy.
Speaker 7 (17:02):
Hi Dot. How are you today?
Speaker 4 (17:04):
Good?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
What's your question?
Speaker 7 (17:05):
So I have I've been a relationship for the last
twenty seven years? What's the same person? And she's leaving
me now and I'm having a problem with it because
you know, we have an autistic kid, and so she's
moving out the country and all that good stuff. But
(17:27):
she constantly accuses of cheating which I'm not claiming to
be an angel. But you know, she has never fought
me cheating ever, and.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
I love that language. She's never caught you cheating?
Speaker 5 (17:43):
Oh no, she has not.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Okay.
Speaker 7 (17:46):
You know she accused me of sleeping in my secretary
and her cousins and just self. That never happened.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
So what's your question specifically?
Speaker 7 (17:56):
So I don't know how to deal with that. I
try to win her back or you know what, you know,
what should I do?
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Okay, So let me explain about statistical probability and where
you are in your life. Ray, You've been with somebody
for twenty seven years. You have a child who happens
to be on the spectrum but clearly high functioning. Because
you said they're going to be moving out of the
country soon. So now I'm seeing impending empty nest. Your
spouse or partner has said they're leaving, and they've been
(18:28):
accusing you of cheating. You tell me you haven't been
an angel, but she's never caught you cheating. So let
me just say this. The unconscious knows all doesn't matter
what people have caught someone doing or not. But I
also think she had twenty seven years with this feeling
in her stomach, and she could have done it at
another time when you weren't being an angel. My fingers
(18:50):
are making quotation marks, so I think she's using this
as a device or a gimmick so that she can
have a reason to leave. Now. Now, I got to
say that this is when the divorce rate is highest,
usually when people have been together at least twenty years.
When you keep hearing about that divorce rate, that's fifty percent.
That only applies to marriages of twenty years or more.
(19:12):
If you've been married five years, you got about an
eighty five percent chance of staying together for life. Once
you hit ten years, it goes down to sixty five percent,
and once you hit twenty years, that's when you hit
that fifty to fifty thing. So it is very common
for couples to be kind of like, well, what's our purpose?
Speaker 5 (19:29):
Now?
Speaker 1 (19:29):
You know the nest is empty, it's time to launch.
But your question is should I try to win her back?
I certainly can't make that decision for you, and I
certainly haven't spoken to her, so I don't know what
she would think of that. I do suggest that the
two of you go into couples therapy, even if it
becomes closure therapy. And here's why breakups hurt so much,
(19:50):
and especially these super long term relationships, is they become
part of our identity. They literally become part of who
we are and when that person leaves because when two
people come together into a secure relationship, they actually split
up the mental work of living and the physical labor
even And so I know how terrified you might be
(20:13):
right now. I can hear that you don't like to
be blamed. Okay, you know you admit you're not an angel.
But and I wouldn't focus on the cheating thing. I
would chocus. I would focus on our relationship is culminating.
Are we going to repurpose it? Are we going to
rewrite the contract and build something different and new together,
(20:35):
or are we going to separate? So you should do
that in the office of a licensed clinical therapist. And
I'm sorry you're going through this, Ray, I'm telling you
it's painful. I've been there and I know it hurts.
And thank you for calling. All right, Producer, Kayla, who
do we have next?
Speaker 3 (20:52):
We have Sophia with a question.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Sophia, Hi, Sophia, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 4 (20:58):
Hi, doctor Wendy, I love you. I repurposed your wisdom
all the time. I spread it around.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
I tell people that's about.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
All the great things that I learned from you.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (21:08):
Okay, I know this is radio, so that you're welcome,
and I'm going to try to go quick because I
know it's radio.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
I fell in love madly for the first time after
being divorced for like twenty years. I just wanted to
raise my kids kind of like you.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
I did that want to get married.
Speaker 5 (21:22):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
Yeah, I don't know if you wanted to or not,
but I just kind of didn't want a man around
my kids while I was raising them. Me too anyway.
So yeah, so I was really in love with this
guy when they when I became an empty nester and
he had asking Maryam ten years earlier, said sorry, I can't.
Then just kidding, I can once they're out of the nest,
and then we were like the love story of the year,
(21:44):
I guess. And then did I learned a lot more
about them once you got engaged about his mom single
because father had passed away. He's an only child, and
you had just mentioned this.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Oh I talked about that smallly children of single mind
when they're a boy, how hard it is to separate?
Speaker 4 (22:03):
Right? And she's serbian, very strong, flavic. So I was
like not, I had no idea, Like she was so controlling,
still made his lunches on the way to work, like
he'd pick him up, like I literally felt like the
other woman. But I was madly in love with him. Wow,
and so but that was so unattracted. I was so
(22:26):
he's gorgeous. And when I stopped being attracted to him,
I knew something was wrong because so how long had
he been hide? I broke up. I broke up our engagement.
And I know you can't tell me for sure if
I did the right thing, But I feel like I
made a mistake because I'm still in love with him,
(22:47):
like nobody can make me feel.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
I want to wait. Before you broke up the engagement,
did you have conversations about Hey, dude, I think you're
a little too close to your mom? And what was
his answer? Yep, Oh he got angry.
Speaker 4 (23:03):
Every time it.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Yeah, because he doesn't know in every other way, he
doesn't know how to separate, right, that's the problem. Can
I ask you how old she is? How old is stuff.
Speaker 4 (23:15):
I was doing the calculations and like, well, with medicine
and technology, she could live another twenty years.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Like, oh, okay, you get twenty years to negotiate this.
So he wasn't interested in negotiating better boundaries with his
mom at all. He just said, you're the problem. No.
Speaker 4 (23:31):
I mean he would pretend to get upset at some
of the things she did once in a while, but
he enabled it. So yeah, And I tried to explain
that to him, and he was he would like look
at me in a way that he never looked at
me in any other time whenever I would try to
bring it up. So I literally was a chicken about it.
I just pulled away. I didn't discuss it anymore, because
(23:52):
how do you say, I'm leaving? I'm ending this because
of your mom.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Oh he doesn't know why. Okay, well you need wait
how long ago was this, Sophia, When did you have it?
Speaker 4 (24:00):
It's been a while, it's been two years. But I
think about him every day and he lives down the street.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Okay, you need to write him a about every letter.
That may turn into close your letter, or it may
turn into you get back together letter. But I'm a
big believer in the truth and feelings, and there's nothing
to lose if you've been broken up for two years
of you writing him, here's the reason why I broke
up the engagement. I still think of you every day.
I love you. I'm sorry that I caused this pain
(24:26):
in us, but I had no way to, you know,
deal with the fact that you're so enmeshed with your
mom and didn't seem to want to put me first
or establish boundaries with her. Let me know if you're
interested in ever working on this. Otherwise, I just want
you to know why, and I love you and thank
you for having been in my life. You need to
write that, Sophia, like, get it out. That's what I
(24:49):
would say. Thank you so much for calling. Oh my gosh,
I like the same life as me, except for the
guy attached to his mom. I mean, I have a
husband who's attached to his mom, but this mom's fabulous.
So we're all good there, All right, We're going to
go to break when we come back. If you want
to call with a relationship question, the number is one
eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight
hundred five two zero one five three four You're listening
(25:10):
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6 (25:16):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
KFI AM six forty, you have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
I am taking your calls and your relationship questions of
the numbers one eight hundred five two zero, one five
three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have? Now?
Speaker 3 (25:36):
We have Christy with the question.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Christy. Hi, Christy, it is doctor Wendy.
Speaker 8 (25:41):
Hi, Doctor Wendy. So my question is, do you think
it's truly possible as a woman in my fifties who's
had multiple long term relationships every single time unconsciously choosing
literally top of the latter npds, and they've always been unfaithful,
to actually find a loving, loyal relationship because I'm deeply
(26:04):
working on healing, lots and lots of healing mental, emotional, spiritual,
and I I'm not sure that it's even possible.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
It's absolutely possible, Christy, because I did it, and it
took a long time. It was learning to I'll give
you some of the tips, some of the things I
did is you meant. Oh, by the way, for listeners
who don't know, NPD stands for narcissistic personality disorder, which
is somewhere between three to seven percent of men, and
(26:36):
it's a big scale, more men than women. But sometimes
it's just males who are just less empathetic. So learning
to be attracted to the kind, empathetic, healthy males might
be your journey, right. So Christy, here's what I did
at the very beginning. And it was so hard. If
somebody was really gorgeous and made a lot of money
(27:00):
but they said or did some little indicator that I
was like, uh, oh, I'm going down this path toward
Payne again. The job was on me to say goodbye,
ghost them, get rid of them, et cetera, because I
would get distracted, just how guys get distracted by really
(27:20):
gorgeous women whose mental health might not be so stable.
They're like, I don't know, she was just cute. So
I did it right, So we do the same thing.
We'll be like, well, you know, he's filled with self
confidence or izzy all about a fake bravado. So I
learned to say no early, and that was my journey
and Christy. I remember one time had a girlfriend over.
(27:42):
We were on the dating app, swiping, swiping, swiping, and
she was doing that thing that women do all the time. Oh,
come on, he's kind of cute, give him a chance.
I'm like, nope, nope, nope, and she's like, I have
never seen you like this. You're just rejecting, rejecting, And
that for me was my journey that I had. My
personal thing I had to learn to do was to
(28:04):
go nope, nope, nope. So instead of going, well, you know,
will he like me, will he love me? No, I'm choosing.
I had to like take control, and I think Christy.
The other thing I did, of course, is I was
working with a licensed clinical therapist, a psychologist who's really smart,
smarter than me, and so she helped me learn to
(28:26):
say no, yes, it's possible, and if you're feeling down
and thinking it's not possible, that just means you need
to take a little break from dating or the apps
and then get right back to it. I met the
love of my life at the age of fifty eight,
and if somebody said, don't you wish you could have
you know, met someone earlier and had a healthy relationship
your whole life. And I say, if it means I
(28:49):
wouldn't have met my husband at fifty eight, no way.
It all happened at the right time, for the right reason,
because I had grown and it feels that much more precious.
So Christy, good luck, you keep it up.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
You got this.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Okay, you got this? All right? Producer, Kayla, Who do
we have next?
Speaker 3 (29:05):
I'm so sorry I butter this name, but we have
Mita with the.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Question Mita, Mita? Did I say it right?
Speaker 4 (29:11):
Yes?
Speaker 5 (29:11):
You did say faith right, Ti, Mita?
Speaker 1 (29:13):
What's your question?
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Love?
Speaker 5 (29:16):
My question is about my granddaughter. And she has a
good friend of mine. We we have good, a very
very good relation.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Oh you're so lucky.
Speaker 5 (29:26):
And she's the firstborn and you know for my son,
and lately means the last two years they had you know,
difficult time because they got divorced. And but in the beginning,
she was okay, she was pretty much with in tavor
(29:48):
with dad and everything. You know, she's she was always
close to dad. But then all on a sudden, she's
she's she's actually going to call now and then taking good,
good class and is his sister, but he is she
(30:09):
is not staying in touch with the dad at all,
not even on his birthday. You even after I requested
her just give him a call just to save happy
birthday and said I'll think about it, and then she
never did.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
Okay, So I need to say something, Mita. First of all,
you are one of the luckiest grandmothers in the world
to have had a close relationship with your granddaughter all
these years. I am a mother of two daughters, and
I have to share something with you that people don't
talk about a lot. In the early twenties, when young
girls are going through identity formation, they separate from usually
(30:47):
their moms and in this case kind of their grandma
because they are trying to define who they are. Right,
So don't be offended, because I promise you when it
comes to your relationship with her, she's going to come
back around. Now. Just promise me. I promise you it's
going to happen. She's heading off to college, this is
right on schedule. In a couple of years, she's going
(31:09):
to be coming back around to be extra close with you. Now.
The other thing is is that her relationship with her
father is between her and her father. It's not if
it's not for you to weigh in on. I know
it brings you sadness, and I know you can counsel
your son to say, hey, maybe talk to her about
(31:30):
her feelings, reach out to her. You can offer suggestions
to your son, but you can't force the two of
them together. If they're going through a hard time together,
they need to discuss between the two of them what
happened between them. But it's not your fault and it's
also not your responsibility to bring them together. Your job
(31:52):
as a grandmother is to just keep reminding her that
you are always there for her and you love her deeply.
And I promise you she's coming back around. She's off
with the UC's having fun for a bit. Thanks for
calling me to all right. I want to run to
social media because a lot of people have also sent
questions in that I don't want to miss. Dear doctor Wendy,
(32:14):
I met someone who has no friends or family. Is
this a red flag?
Speaker 6 (32:20):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (32:22):
How do you not have a family? First of all,
we all come from families, So basically what you're saying
is they have separated themselves from their family of origin
and they're not talking to them, which is not a
good conflict style to have. And then you say they
have no friends either. Look, when I was on those
dating apps, I met a bunch I called them the
lone wolf guys. You see what happens is when divorces
(32:45):
take place, the woman also takes usually takes the social
capital with her because the guys don't hold the social calendar,
and so they start to get lonely and lonely. And
some of them were perfectly good. Dust them off, bring
them back to the dinner table, back into the tribe
of guys. But some of them had fallen into a
place of I am nobody without a woman, right, So yeah,
(33:07):
it's a huge red flag. I'd be a little worried
about that, all right. Moving on, dear doctor Wendy, I
rekindled with an old bow. Oh that's so sweet, and
we have been hitting it off. You know what I
like to call that. I like to call that retro sexual.
Going retro sexual. I saw on social media that he's
also still dealing with another ex girlfriend. What do you
(33:29):
mean dealing with That's an interesting choice of words. Is
it ever okay to compete for a man's heart? We
aren't exclusive, but I want to be all right? Female
to female competition goes back to the beginning of time.
And yes, there are ways to do it, but the
ways to do it are not what you would think.
You don't whine and go, hey, I sign you on
(33:49):
social media at a party with your ex and I
thought I was your ex. You are getting back with lis.
I will not stand up for that. I don't know
I gave you that voice anyway. So the truth is
you just have to become more happy and busy. I
always say the best competition is being happy and busy.
(34:10):
And when he calls, say oh, I'm not available, I
have another planned Saturday. If he says with what, just say, oh,
are you one boyfriend? You want my time? Let's talk
about that. You want to be exclusive. The other thing
is you could actually say to him, I want to
be exclusive, but if you know he's dating somebody else,
I would just increase your mate value by letting them
(34:31):
know without telling them, that you've got competition from other
people and that you're busy and happy and eventually he'll
turn around and chase you. Right, Okay, Oh I love
this question. I get asked it all the time. Dear
doctor Wendy, how long is too long to be dating someone?
And not exchange I love yous. Well, what are you
waiting for? If you feel it, explain it. I think
(34:53):
with my husband and I was about three months into it,
and he was very disappointed because I did it at
a gas station. And and why was because he got
out to pump my gas. I never knew a guy
that jumped out of the car and ran to pump
my gas. And I was driving. We were on a
road trip and it was my turn to drive, and
he just jumped out and I was just like, oh,
I love you, and he goes, really, you're going to
do this at a gas station? This is not romantic anyway.
(35:17):
I think generally it's three to six months if you've
been seeing each other enough. And cocooning is generally when
people say the I love you, And if you're feeling
it and you haven't said it, why not? Why not?
Speaker 3 (35:31):
All right?
Speaker 1 (35:31):
When we come back, let us talk about masculinity. I
have a very special guest, the founder of an organization
called a Call to Men, who's teaching men about modern masculinity.
You're listening to The Doctor, Wendy Walls Show and KFI
AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
(35:54):
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. You can always
hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven
to nine pm onths Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio appf I Am six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show. I want you to sit back. We need
to talk about our happiness and what we can be
doing to feel much happier. Also, if you're going on
(00:22):
a first date, you better listen up because I've got
three questions that you must ask somebody on a first date. Also,
later in the show, one of the world's authorities on
masculinity joins us to talk about modern masculinity and dating
app etiquette for men. So if you're a dude, hang
in there. We got news for you. If you're new
(00:42):
to my show, I have a PhD in clinical psychology.
I'm a psychology professor at California State University Channel Islands
Go Dolphins. I've written three books on relationships because I
am obsessed with the science of love, and I wrote
a dissertation on attachment theory, and I every time I
read a new study, read something in a textbook, I'm like,
(01:04):
oh my gosh, everybody should know this. I need to
tell everybody on Sunday and KFI. So I've been here
for the last decade preaching good mental health and healthy
relationships to you guys. So that's why I was a
little disturbed because this week the twenty twenty five World
Happiness Report came out and the news for Americans is
(01:27):
not so good. For the first time, the happiness levels
of US citizens have dropped out of the top twenty.
They didn't just go down to twenty one. They went
down to twenty four, ranking amongst one hundred and forty countries.
This is not good news. The big news is that Finland.
(01:47):
We always hear about Finland. What are they doing just
wrapped up hooking in their little blankets with their candles on,
eating some delicious stew reindeer stew. Maybe I don't know.
They are long known as the happiest country in the world.
They still rank number one for the past eight years. Heyleb,
why do you think we're so unhappy? I produced, Kayla,
(02:09):
how are you?
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I am wonderful doctor, and I'm happy good. I don't
know diet our diets awful.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
You know that's interesting. You mentioned that because you know,
there's a group of scientists at Harvard who are studying
food and the connection between food and mood, food and
mental health. Right, what are they called, nutri food? Nutraceuticals.
Nutriceuticals sounds like it, doesn't it?
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Nutrition?
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Some of it's what we eat. What
else you think we're doing wrong?
Speaker 3 (02:40):
Building for the wrong people?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Oh see, there you go. I'm sorry, so no, but
you were kind of on par What I'm talking about
is polarization. So what happens is when when groups of
people start to think that we're on two teams instead
of one, like for instance right now. So you know,
if you been listening to me for a lot of years,
I am proud to be an American. I think there's
(03:04):
a song that goes like that, proud to be an American.
But I was born a Canadian, so I'm also a Canadian.
So I was talking to my brother who's as you
can imagine, it's very angry up there. The Canadians are mad.
Oh they're a little pissed off.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Eh.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
So he said, well, I can't visit you for the
next four years, just letting you know. I can't spend
a penny in the U I'm like, okay, okay, but
he did mention in our conversation that the whole country
has come together. You know, Canada, like many countries around
the world, was starting to get polarized too. There was
some more conservative groups, more liberal groups, and now it's
like we are all together as one country. I think
(03:39):
we need to have a little more of that in America.
But to explain how this World Happiness Report comes about,
they use Gallup poll data and it is scientists from
social scientists from Harvard and Oxford, and they poll people
in one hundred and forty countries and they ask them
to basically score their life based on things like their health,
(04:01):
how healthy, how do you feel your income, how much
social support do you have, how much freedom do you have,
how generous do you think people are? What is your
perception of corruption, including corporate corruption or governmental corruption. So,
not surprisingly, countries who place emphasis on the social welfare
(04:23):
of their citizens tended to score the highest. Those would
be those Nordic countries and countries who experience authoritarian governments
and wars the score the lowest. That includes Afghanistan and Lebanon,
for instance. Here's one of the most exciting findings about
the Happiness Study. For the first time in history, Mexico
(04:44):
made it into the top ten as one of the
happiest countries in the world. Isn't that cool? Now again
they have pulled together as one country against the Gulf
of Mexico or Golf of America. I don't know what
it is anymore, depends what a search engine you're looking
at her. But they have pulled together again and to
America and it made them feel more happy. But here's
the big news that I care about. Forget politics. This
(05:07):
research shows that there is a strong relationship between our
social connections and our happiness because remember, the researchers looked
at things like sharing, trust, living together, connecting with others.
You know, I happen to teach health psychology and it's
far from a diet and exercise class. I mostly talk
about how our relationships impact our health. Our relationships obviously
(05:31):
romantic relationships with family, friends, co workers, and how this
affects our physical and our mental health. Remember, humans evolved
to travel in small herds. We need family and friends.
Our most inhumane punishment, think about it, is solitary confinement.
So having other people around us makes us feel safe
(05:52):
and secure, and that can positively affect every single cell
in our bodies. Now deep into the study, trying to
figure out if there was some new news they came
up with, and I found some. The study pointed to
one particular behavior, something all of us can do that
is highly related to happiness. In fact, this behavior was
(06:16):
an exceptionally strong indicator of well being. It had the
same benefit of getting a job after unemployment or getting
a surprise boost of happiness with a big raise.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
So you ready for it?
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Can you guess what it is?
Speaker 4 (06:30):
Kayla?
Speaker 1 (06:30):
With one thing we could be doing every day make
us happier. It feels as good as getting a.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
New job, leaning into gratitude, just saying thank you for
little things.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Okay, that's one, but it's not this one man sharing
meals with other people.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
I do love that.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Yeah. Well, the survey asked people how often they ate
alone and discovered that one in four Americans had eaten
all three meals alone the day before they were asked
the question, I know, isn't that terrible? Scays we can
fix this. When you're in your office tomorrow, look around
at your co workers and say you want to grab
a bite just eat with somebody, okay. And the other
(07:09):
thing is trust. Happiness is really an inside job. We
must learn to trust other people. The study found that
when people mistrust those around them, including their government, their neighbors,
their workplace, they have a huge decrease in happiness. And
one of the big psychological differences between people who live
in those happy Nordic countries and the more unhappy places
(07:31):
like the US is mindset. When people in Nordic countries
see a stranger, they're more likely to imagine a friend
they haven't met yet versus a potential enemy. This is
something we all can change. Literally, we can change our thoughts.
We can ask ourselves whenever we meet someone is huh,
who is this kind and interesting person? Let me meet them?
(07:52):
And this causes a big boost and happiness along with
the things you mentioned, Kayla, like a gratitude, charitable giving.
Did you know what helps the giver more than the getter?
Speaker 5 (08:02):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Makes you feel good? So you got to share? All right?
Well we could back. Are you single? Are you tired
of being single? You ready to meet somebody? All right?
Don't waste your time talking about music and films on
your dates. Well you can mix it in there. I'm
going to tell you the three most important questions that
you must ask on a first date, according to Doctor
Wendy's wisdom. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall
(08:24):
Show on KFI AM six forty with Live Everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6 (08:29):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Crowd will see you singing along. It must be a
favorite song of yours. Welcome back to Dr Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty, Live Everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. I would like to welcome my TikTok audience.
If you're not following me on TikTok, you should do it.
You simply open the TikTok app as long as it's
here and no I think they're looking for an American
(08:56):
buyer or something. They're going to say around for sure
they are, and you type in doctor Wendy Walsh and
they'll see me. You will also feel see a whole
bunch of fake Doctor Wendy Walsh's find the real one,
the one with a million of followers, and that'll be me.
There are a lot of people who just take my
pictures off the internet and my name and pretend to
be me. This is part of life on the internet,
(09:19):
all right. Reminder to everybody. I'm a psychology professor, not
a therapist, but I have just been obsessed with the
science of love for decades and I've written three books
on relationships. I wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, and
as a result, I've come up with some ideas, right,
and one of the things I want to talk about
(09:39):
is how people miss opportunities to grow healthy relationships in
the early stages of dating simply because they don't ask
the right questions. Right. So I have a few that
I think are important questions to ask. If you're watching
on TikTok, why don't you type in the comment bar there,
what question? So you think people should be asking on
(10:01):
first dates. If I see ones I like, I'll talk
about it on the air. So let's see the first
one is I love this one. I thought this one
years ago when I was writing my book called The
Boyfriend Test, and the question is simply, are you in
a relationship right now? I know, seems like a crazy question,
right because you might have met them on an app
(10:23):
or IRL in real life, and if they asked you
on a date, then they must be single, right, And
if they're not, they're going to lie. So why would
you even ask the question. I'll tell you why you
should ask the question. It is their reaction to this
seemingly silly question that is very telling. If they find
(10:45):
your question humorous and they see it as a cute joke,
they're going to laugh. This tells you they have a
sense of humor.
Speaker 6 (10:53):
Right.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
Sometimes you might actually get some real honesty. They might say, actually,
I am seeing a couple of people, and that opens
up a whole conversation about well, what are you looking for?
Are you looking for a long term, committed, healthy relationship
or something casual? So it just explains things instead of
just wondering.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
But if they get defensive and if they say, of
course I'm single, why would I be on this date?
I don't know I did that voice. But if they
did that, then they're probably not single or they have
a short fuse. Two things you have to be careful with.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Now.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I also like when I asked this question, I would
say make it fun, right, like lower your voice and go, hey,
I have a really important question to ask you. Okay,
it's very personal. I hope you don't mind. Are you
in a relationship right now? And again, you're going to
get a hearty laugh from the single guy who finds
out a funny question right now. There's also another follow
(11:57):
up question if you're really brave, and that question is,
so I understand that you're not in a relationship. Is
there anybody out there who thinks they're in a relationship
with you? This is a good one because there might
be other people who they've been dating lightly and misleading
(12:17):
and thinking and they're like, yeah, well, actually there is
this person, but I'm really not that into her. But
you won't want really why can't you be clear with her?
Why can't you would tell her? Okay, So that's question
number one. Are you in a relationship right now? Question
number two that you should ask on a first date.
And again, this shouldn't be like go in there with
a list of questions like a journalist. This is talk
(12:38):
about the food and the weather and the restaurant and
the movies and the music, and slip these in at
different times. So the second question is write it down. Yes, Oh,
I love this one. What's the longest relationship you've ever had?
This is a super important question depending on the person's age. Okay,
if somebody is age eighteen to twenty five, they're allowed
(13:01):
to say, actually, haven't had a relationship yet, I've had
a few dates. Whatever. If somebody is over thirty and
they have not committed at least a calendar year to somebody,
then you got to wonder about their attachment style. You
got to wonder about their commitment phobia. You got to
wonder if they have an ability to be attached to someone. So, kaylor,
(13:25):
are you looking up like, wait, I'm thirty, You've had
a boyfriend for a year at some point.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Oh yeah, I was in a six year relationship, but
live in relationship.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
She was in a six year relationship. She's thirty, So okay,
she passed the test, right. It's the ones that haven't
been in a relationship at all are they have a
belief system that the only reason they're not in a
relationship or a long term relationship is because they haven't
met the one when actually, if you have good relationship skills,
(13:53):
you are more attractive to more people, and you are
attracted to more people because you're able to nego commitment,
have good communication skills, et cetera, et cetera, have good
sexual communication everything, right, So it's really important long relationship,
that's what you're looking for.
Speaker 4 (14:10):
You know.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
Even the people who have a secure attachment style, they
might not get married in their twenties, but they do
kind of play house, you know, they have commitments, et cetera.
All right, Now, the big one. When I wrote my
book The Boyfriend Test, way back when I put points
to all these different questions, and this was the single
question that got the most amount of points for its value.
(14:32):
How would you describe your relationship with your mother? Now,
there are other ways to say it, like how's your mom?
I don't know, haven't talked to her in two years,
or how's your mom? Oh? Great, she's waiting in the
car outside. And here are the two extremes that you
want to watch out for. If somebody is angry with
their mother, eventually they're going to turn that anger onto you.
(14:57):
Because this primary relationship is so informative and it so
structures our model for love in our mind that it's
really important you have somebody who has a healthy relationship
with mom. Now, Also, if they're a little too enmeshed
and too close and they're talking to mom three times
a day, and they're bringing their laundry over there on Sundays,
they're having dinner with their twice and she knows everything
about their life. And they're a thirty seven year old male.
(15:18):
You will only ever be the mistress because he already
has a wife. All right, So I didn't use to
notice this in my single dating days. That particularly single
mothers with only one child, and if that child was male,
sometimes that enmeshment happened. They start to not parentify what
would I call it, boyfriend I they turn their kid
(15:40):
into their boyfriend in some way. All right, when we
come back, I am going to be taking your questions live.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one KFI.
That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
If you have a relationship question and you would like
me to weigh in, I will keep your name anonymous.
(16:00):
You can change your name whatever you need to do,
but I'm happy to weigh in. One eight hundred five
two zero one five three four. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI Am six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6 (16:14):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
KFI Am six forty, you have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to
welcome my Instagram audience. If you'd like to come into
our iHeartRadio studio here at KFI in Bourban, California, just
log onto my Instagram right now. The handle is at
doctor Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh. Yes, you
(16:42):
guys like the clash. The phone number if you'd like
to call in with a relationship question is one eight
hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one
eight hundred five two zero one KFI. Okay, Producer Kayla,
who do we have?
Speaker 3 (16:56):
First? We have Ray with the question Ray.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
Hello, Ray, It's Wendy.
Speaker 7 (17:02):
Hi Dot. How are you today?
Speaker 4 (17:04):
Good?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
What's your question?
Speaker 7 (17:05):
So I have I've been a relationship for the last
twenty seven years? What's the same person? And she's leaving
me now and I'm having a problem with it because
you know, we have an autistic kid, and so she's
moving out the country and all that good stuff. But
(17:27):
she constantly accuses of cheating which I'm not claiming to
be an angel. But you know, she has never fought
me cheating ever, and.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
I love that language. She's never caught you cheating?
Speaker 5 (17:43):
Oh no, she has not.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Okay.
Speaker 7 (17:46):
You know she accused me of sleeping in my secretary
and her cousins and just self. That never happened.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
So what's your question specifically?
Speaker 7 (17:56):
So I don't know how to deal with that. I
try to win her back or you know what, you know,
what should I do?
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Okay, So let me explain about statistical probability and where
you are in your life. Ray, You've been with somebody
for twenty seven years. You have a child who happens
to be on the spectrum but clearly high functioning. Because
you said they're going to be moving out of the
country soon. So now I'm seeing impending empty nest. Your
spouse or partner has said they're leaving, and they've been
(18:28):
accusing you of cheating. You tell me you haven't been
an angel, but she's never caught you cheating. So let
me just say this. The unconscious knows all doesn't matter
what people have caught someone doing or not. But I
also think she had twenty seven years with this feeling
in her stomach, and she could have done it at
another time when you weren't being an angel. My fingers
(18:50):
are making quotation marks, so I think she's using this
as a device or a gimmick so that she can
have a reason to leave. Now. Now, I got to
say that this is when the divorce rate is highest,
usually when people have been together at least twenty years.
When you keep hearing about that divorce rate, that's fifty percent.
That only applies to marriages of twenty years or more.
(19:12):
If you've been married five years, you got about an
eighty five percent chance of staying together for life. Once
you hit ten years, it goes down to sixty five percent,
and once you hit twenty years, that's when you hit
that fifty to fifty thing. So it is very common
for couples to be kind of like, well, what's our purpose?
Speaker 5 (19:29):
Now?
Speaker 1 (19:29):
You know the nest is empty, it's time to launch.
But your question is should I try to win her back?
I certainly can't make that decision for you, and I
certainly haven't spoken to her, so I don't know what
she would think of that. I do suggest that the
two of you go into couples therapy, even if it
becomes closure therapy. And here's why breakups hurt so much,
(19:50):
and especially these super long term relationships, is they become
part of our identity. They literally become part of who
we are and when that person leaves because when two
people come together into a secure relationship, they actually split
up the mental work of living and the physical labor
even And so I know how terrified you might be
(20:13):
right now. I can hear that you don't like to
be blamed. Okay, you know you admit you're not an angel.
But and I wouldn't focus on the cheating thing. I
would chocus. I would focus on our relationship is culminating.
Are we going to repurpose it? Are we going to
rewrite the contract and build something different and new together,
(20:35):
or are we going to separate? So you should do
that in the office of a licensed clinical therapist. And
I'm sorry you're going through this, Ray, I'm telling you
it's painful. I've been there and I know it hurts.
And thank you for calling. All right, Producer, Kayla, who
do we have next?
Speaker 3 (20:52):
We have Sophia with a question.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Sophia, Hi, Sophia, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 4 (20:58):
Hi, doctor Wendy, I love you. I repurposed your wisdom
all the time. I spread it around.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
I tell people that's about.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
All the great things that I learned from you.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (21:08):
Okay, I know this is radio, so that you're welcome,
and I'm going to try to go quick because I
know it's radio.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
I fell in love madly for the first time after
being divorced for like twenty years. I just wanted to
raise my kids kind of like you.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
I did that want to get married.
Speaker 5 (21:22):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
Yeah, I don't know if you wanted to or not,
but I just kind of didn't want a man around
my kids while I was raising them. Me too anyway.
So yeah, so I was really in love with this
guy when they when I became an empty nester and
he had asking Maryam ten years earlier, said sorry, I can't.
Then just kidding, I can once they're out of the nest,
and then we were like the love story of the year,
(21:44):
I guess. And then did I learned a lot more
about them once you got engaged about his mom single
because father had passed away. He's an only child, and
you had just mentioned this.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Oh I talked about that smallly children of single mind
when they're a boy, how hard it is to separate?
Speaker 4 (22:03):
Right? And she's serbian, very strong, flavic. So I was
like not, I had no idea, Like she was so controlling,
still made his lunches on the way to work, like
he'd pick him up, like I literally felt like the
other woman. But I was madly in love with him. Wow,
and so but that was so unattracted. I was so
(22:26):
he's gorgeous. And when I stopped being attracted to him,
I knew something was wrong because so how long had
he been hide? I broke up. I broke up our engagement.
And I know you can't tell me for sure if
I did the right thing, But I feel like I
made a mistake because I'm still in love with him,
(22:47):
like nobody can make me feel.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
I want to wait. Before you broke up the engagement,
did you have conversations about Hey, dude, I think you're
a little too close to your mom? And what was
his answer? Yep, Oh he got angry.
Speaker 4 (23:03):
Every time it.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Yeah, because he doesn't know in every other way, he
doesn't know how to separate, right, that's the problem. Can
I ask you how old she is? How old is stuff.
Speaker 4 (23:15):
I was doing the calculations and like, well, with medicine
and technology, she could live another twenty years.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Like, oh, okay, you get twenty years to negotiate this.
So he wasn't interested in negotiating better boundaries with his
mom at all. He just said, you're the problem. No.
Speaker 4 (23:31):
I mean he would pretend to get upset at some
of the things she did once in a while, but
he enabled it. So yeah, And I tried to explain
that to him, and he was he would like look
at me in a way that he never looked at
me in any other time whenever I would try to
bring it up. So I literally was a chicken about it.
I just pulled away. I didn't discuss it anymore, because
(23:52):
how do you say, I'm leaving? I'm ending this because
of your mom.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Oh he doesn't know why. Okay, well you need wait
how long ago was this, Sophia, When did you have it?
Speaker 4 (24:00):
It's been a while, it's been two years. But I
think about him every day and he lives down the street.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Okay, you need to write him a about every letter.
That may turn into close your letter, or it may
turn into you get back together letter. But I'm a
big believer in the truth and feelings, and there's nothing
to lose if you've been broken up for two years
of you writing him, here's the reason why I broke
up the engagement. I still think of you every day.
I love you. I'm sorry that I caused this pain
(24:26):
in us, but I had no way to, you know,
deal with the fact that you're so enmeshed with your
mom and didn't seem to want to put me first
or establish boundaries with her. Let me know if you're
interested in ever working on this. Otherwise, I just want
you to know why, and I love you and thank
you for having been in my life. You need to
write that, Sophia, like, get it out. That's what I
(24:49):
would say. Thank you so much for calling. Oh my gosh,
I like the same life as me, except for the
guy attached to his mom. I mean, I have a
husband who's attached to his mom, but this mom's fabulous.
So we're all good there, All right, We're going to
go to break when we come back. If you want
to call with a relationship question, the number is one
eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight
hundred five two zero one five three four You're listening
(25:10):
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 6 (25:16):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (25:22):
KFI AM six forty, you have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
I am taking your calls and your relationship questions of
the numbers one eight hundred five two zero, one five
three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have? Now?
Speaker 3 (25:36):
We have Christy with the question.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Christy. Hi, Christy, it is doctor Wendy.
Speaker 8 (25:41):
Hi, Doctor Wendy. So my question is, do you think
it's truly possible as a woman in my fifties who's
had multiple long term relationships every single time unconsciously choosing
literally top of the latter npds, and they've always been unfaithful,
to actually find a loving, loyal relationship because I'm deeply
(26:04):
working on healing, lots and lots of healing mental, emotional, spiritual,
and I I'm not sure that it's even possible.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
It's absolutely possible, Christy, because I did it, and it
took a long time. It was learning to I'll give
you some of the tips, some of the things I
did is you meant. Oh, by the way, for listeners
who don't know, NPD stands for narcissistic personality disorder, which
is somewhere between three to seven percent of men, and
(26:36):
it's a big scale, more men than women. But sometimes
it's just males who are just less empathetic. So learning
to be attracted to the kind, empathetic, healthy males might
be your journey, right. So Christy, here's what I did
at the very beginning. And it was so hard. If
somebody was really gorgeous and made a lot of money
(27:00):
but they said or did some little indicator that I
was like, uh, oh, I'm going down this path toward
Payne again. The job was on me to say goodbye,
ghost them, get rid of them, et cetera, because I
would get distracted, just how guys get distracted by really
(27:20):
gorgeous women whose mental health might not be so stable.
They're like, I don't know, she was just cute. So
I did it right, So we do the same thing.
We'll be like, well, you know, he's filled with self
confidence or izzy all about a fake bravado. So I
learned to say no early, and that was my journey
and Christy. I remember one time had a girlfriend over.
(27:42):
We were on the dating app, swiping, swiping, swiping, and
she was doing that thing that women do all the time. Oh,
come on, he's kind of cute, give him a chance.
I'm like, nope, nope, nope, and she's like, I have
never seen you like this. You're just rejecting, rejecting, And
that for me was my journey that I had. My
personal thing I had to learn to do was to
(28:04):
go nope, nope, nope. So instead of going, well, you know,
will he like me, will he love me? No, I'm choosing.
I had to like take control, and I think Christy.
The other thing I did, of course, is I was
working with a licensed clinical therapist, a psychologist who's really smart,
smarter than me, and so she helped me learn to
(28:26):
say no, yes, it's possible, and if you're feeling down
and thinking it's not possible, that just means you need
to take a little break from dating or the apps
and then get right back to it. I met the
love of my life at the age of fifty eight,
and if somebody said, don't you wish you could have
you know, met someone earlier and had a healthy relationship
your whole life. And I say, if it means I
(28:49):
wouldn't have met my husband at fifty eight, no way.
It all happened at the right time, for the right reason,
because I had grown and it feels that much more precious.
So Christy, good luck, you keep it up.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
You got this.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Okay, you got this? All right? Producer, Kayla, Who do
we have next?
Speaker 3 (29:05):
I'm so sorry I butter this name, but we have
Mita with the.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Question Mita, Mita? Did I say it right?
Speaker 4 (29:11):
Yes?
Speaker 5 (29:11):
You did say faith right, Ti, Mita?
Speaker 1 (29:13):
What's your question?
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Love?
Speaker 5 (29:16):
My question is about my granddaughter. And she has a
good friend of mine. We we have good, a very
very good relation.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Oh you're so lucky.
Speaker 5 (29:26):
And she's the firstborn and you know for my son,
and lately means the last two years they had you know,
difficult time because they got divorced. And but in the beginning,
she was okay, she was pretty much with in tavor
(29:48):
with dad and everything. You know, she's she was always
close to dad. But then all on a sudden, she's
she's she's actually going to call now and then taking good,
good class and is his sister, but he is she
(30:09):
is not staying in touch with the dad at all,
not even on his birthday. You even after I requested
her just give him a call just to save happy
birthday and said I'll think about it, and then she
never did.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
Okay, So I need to say something, Mita. First of all,
you are one of the luckiest grandmothers in the world
to have had a close relationship with your granddaughter all
these years. I am a mother of two daughters, and
I have to share something with you that people don't
talk about a lot. In the early twenties, when young
girls are going through identity formation, they separate from usually
(30:47):
their moms and in this case kind of their grandma
because they are trying to define who they are. Right,
So don't be offended, because I promise you when it
comes to your relationship with her, she's going to come
back around. Now. Just promise me. I promise you it's
going to happen. She's heading off to college, this is
right on schedule. In a couple of years, she's going
(31:09):
to be coming back around to be extra close with you. Now.
The other thing is is that her relationship with her
father is between her and her father. It's not if
it's not for you to weigh in on. I know
it brings you sadness, and I know you can counsel
your son to say, hey, maybe talk to her about
(31:30):
her feelings, reach out to her. You can offer suggestions
to your son, but you can't force the two of
them together. If they're going through a hard time together,
they need to discuss between the two of them what
happened between them. But it's not your fault and it's
also not your responsibility to bring them together. Your job
(31:52):
as a grandmother is to just keep reminding her that
you are always there for her and you love her deeply.
And I promise you she's coming back around. She's off
with the UC's having fun for a bit. Thanks for
calling me to all right. I want to run to
social media because a lot of people have also sent
questions in that I don't want to miss. Dear doctor Wendy,
(32:14):
I met someone who has no friends or family. Is
this a red flag?
Speaker 6 (32:20):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (32:22):
How do you not have a family? First of all,
we all come from families, So basically what you're saying
is they have separated themselves from their family of origin
and they're not talking to them, which is not a
good conflict style to have. And then you say they
have no friends either. Look, when I was on those
dating apps, I met a bunch I called them the
lone wolf guys. You see what happens is when divorces
(32:45):
take place, the woman also takes usually takes the social
capital with her because the guys don't hold the social calendar,
and so they start to get lonely and lonely. And
some of them were perfectly good. Dust them off, bring
them back to the dinner table, back into the tribe
of guys. But some of them had fallen into a
place of I am nobody without a woman, right, So yeah,
(33:07):
it's a huge red flag. I'd be a little worried
about that, all right. Moving on, dear doctor Wendy, I
rekindled with an old bow. Oh that's so sweet, and
we have been hitting it off. You know what I
like to call that. I like to call that retro sexual.
Going retro sexual. I saw on social media that he's
also still dealing with another ex girlfriend. What do you
(33:29):
mean dealing with That's an interesting choice of words. Is
it ever okay to compete for a man's heart? We
aren't exclusive, but I want to be all right? Female
to female competition goes back to the beginning of time.
And yes, there are ways to do it, but the
ways to do it are not what you would think.
You don't whine and go, hey, I sign you on
(33:49):
social media at a party with your ex and I
thought I was your ex. You are getting back with lis.
I will not stand up for that. I don't know
I gave you that voice anyway. So the truth is
you just have to become more happy and busy. I
always say the best competition is being happy and busy.
(34:10):
And when he calls, say oh, I'm not available, I
have another planned Saturday. If he says with what, just say, oh,
are you one boyfriend? You want my time? Let's talk
about that. You want to be exclusive. The other thing
is you could actually say to him, I want to
be exclusive, but if you know he's dating somebody else,
I would just increase your mate value by letting them
(34:31):
know without telling them, that you've got competition from other
people and that you're busy and happy and eventually he'll
turn around and chase you. Right, Okay, Oh I love
this question. I get asked it all the time. Dear
doctor Wendy, how long is too long to be dating someone?
And not exchange I love yous. Well, what are you
waiting for? If you feel it, explain it. I think
(34:53):
with my husband and I was about three months into it,
and he was very disappointed because I did it at
a gas station. And and why was because he got
out to pump my gas. I never knew a guy
that jumped out of the car and ran to pump
my gas. And I was driving. We were on a
road trip and it was my turn to drive, and
he just jumped out and I was just like, oh,
I love you, and he goes, really, you're going to
do this at a gas station? This is not romantic anyway.
(35:17):
I think generally it's three to six months if you've
been seeing each other enough. And cocooning is generally when
people say the I love you, And if you're feeling
it and you haven't said it, why not? Why not?
Speaker 3 (35:31):
All right?
Speaker 1 (35:31):
When we come back, let us talk about masculinity. I
have a very special guest, the founder of an organization
called a Call to Men, who's teaching men about modern masculinity.
You're listening to The Doctor, Wendy Walls Show and KFI
AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
(35:54):
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. You can always
hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven
to nine pm onths Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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