Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. Right time and place to make a relationship happen. PLUS what not to do the first 30 days into your relationship. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio App. All right, I'm going to my
social media into the DMS to answer some of your
pressing questions about relationships. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm
(00:22):
a psychology professor, but I have written three books on
relationships and did my dissertation on attachment theory. You could
call me a relationship journalist, So let me weigh in,
or the auntie with the best advice. Okay, here's one.
Dear Doctor Wendy. A man i'm dating says he doesn't
(00:44):
do well with maintaining relationships because his work requires him
to travel far and often. Does this mean exit if
I want a relationship, Well, this means you need to
ask a lot more questions. You need to say to him,
what do you think is required to maintain a relationship?
Ask him what he's unable to do. If he says, oh,
(01:08):
you know, daily phone calls or you know, having to
see the person regularly when I can't be sure that
I can. Then you're probably listening to somebody with an
avoidant attachment style and his work protects him from intimacy.
But I would definitely ask a lot more questions about
what that means. And also I would ask yourself what
(01:31):
you're looking for in a relationship. You know, maybe you're
a single mom and has your kids every other week,
and having somebody who's gone part of the time could
be good because you're busy with your other stuff, but
maybe not too. Maybe you want a deep, consistent, emotional
attachment that involves FaceTime and regular calls and sharing a life.
(01:51):
Right in that case, this guy's given you a warning,
just to let you know be on alert. All right,
Moving on, Hey, doctor Wendy, I have a question. Is
a man being condescending when he says my career as
a writer is cute? Or is that a compliment? I'm sorry,
that is like our sarcastic dish that I was talking
(02:12):
about before. Careers aren't cute? First of all, what does
cute mean? Small? Little, young, pretty funny? Oh it's so cute,
sey mino. That's what they say in French say Mignon
say cute. You know what a filet Mignon is. It's
a cute steak philet mignon. No, your career is not cute.
(02:37):
If it's it's part of your identity, it's part of
your creativity. It's something that should bring you self pride.
I would definitely correct him on that that's not a compliment.
That is not a compliment at all. And I would say,
I just want to say one thing. He must be insecure,
so he wants to put down your career because he's
not so proud of his for whatever reason. So I
(03:00):
think maybe the way to address it is, Hey, you
know you told me once that you thought my career
was cute. I wonder what you think of your career?
Can we talk about it? Are we comparing? Like? Just
ask you always shake your head, Kayla, because you're just
so funny. I just you hear such a straight shooter
like I am.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I love that. I love it.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
I want people to learn just say it.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
It makes me happy.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Just say it. I should write a book called just
say It.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
You should.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
People are not expected to be mind readers in relationships. Okay,
moving along to another listener question. Dear doctor, Wendy. Is
it a red flag if a man in his forties
says he's never been in love or is their first
time for everything? Uh No, that's a huge red flag.
That is a huge red flag. First of all, love
(03:48):
is not something that happens to you. It's something you do.
It is a verb. I often say it is the
verb to give. So he's basically saying, I've never given
enough of myself to anybody to be in a relationship.
I've never chosen to do that. Love is also a choice.
It's an intellectual choice. Yes, there's some chemistry involved in
all that, but then you choose to go forward. Because
you can have great chemistry with somebody who's terrible for
(04:11):
you and make you can make the intellectual choice not
to go forward. Right. You can also have okay chemistry
with somebody who you want to just merge a life
with and make it great, and you can make that choice.
That's called intellectual love. Right. So, if he says he's
never been in love and he's in his forties and
he has no kids, I know you want to think
(04:32):
you are the one you're gonna want. That's gonna turn
him around. And it's because he hasn't met the one.
It's not true. It's because he hasn't learned relationship skills,
and a lot of it may go back to his
early life and his family of origin. He hasn't learned
how to love. And it's not your job to be
his teacher. Just want to say, not your job to
be his teacher. Dear doctor Wendy, how can you tell
(04:55):
if someone just wants sex out of a relationship that
should be very easy. They compliment you on your looks,
they get all touchy feely. After sex, they kind of
disappear because they got what they want and they don't
come back right away. Somebody who wants more than sex
courts you, spends time taking you out, sacrifices, spends time
and money and energy, gets to know you, talks about life,
(05:17):
your family, love, your goals, gets to know you intimately.
But if all they're talking about your hop baby when
we were getting together, they just want sex. It's pretty simple,
but girls put blinders on. I don't know all right,
I think we have time for one more before we
go to a break. Dear doctor Wendy, My girlfriend is
still very friendly with her ex's family. She calls them
(05:38):
for the holidays and on their birthdays. She was with
him for twelve years and considers them her family. It
makes me uncomfortable. But am I being immature?
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (05:48):
First of all, why haven't you introduced her to your tribe?
Why what is going on? And how long have you
been with this girlfriend? All? Right, when people get together
in a relationship, it becomes a bridge between tribes those
you have no control over those tribal members. I know
I did a segment on the show before I can remember.
Layla Mohammad was doing the news back when, and I
(06:11):
was doing this thing on if your ex is talking,
if your family members are talking to your ex, what
does it feel like? And she pipes in with my
mom does that all the time. She's still in touch
with my ex boyfriends. And it drives me crazy, And
I'm just like, you know what, you can't control other
people's relationships, right, If they have a friendship, they have
a friendship. So it's not like she's getting on a
(06:31):
plane and going to visit them for the holidays. So
she's checking in on the holidays and their birthdays. Because
she's done it for twelve years. You will eventually reshape
her by giving her a new tribe, Introduce her to
your family, take her out to stuff. That's how you
do it, all right. Yeah, you're feeling a little insecure
about this now. It would be different if you told
me so. My girlfriend is very friendly with her ex
(06:54):
and goes to have Christmas dinner with he and his family.
That would be a threat, right, but you know, checking
in with her old mother in law. I don't know
if they're married or not or whatever, but twelve years
is a long time. We have a relationship, and they're
people too. She has a right to have them around
in her life, so I kind of say, get over it,
all right. When we come back, I'm going to continue
answering your questions. Please feel free to send me a question.
(07:18):
Kayla goes through them. She finds out which ones are
good to read. If I don't get to it this week,
we keep them in the hopper and next week I
might get to it. So just go onto Instagram. The
handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh
and send me a direct message. When we come back,
I'll have more of your questions. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Wallh Show on KFI AM six forty Live
(07:39):
everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I
am answering your direct messages, your relationship questions. Remind her,
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I
have a long life of experience and wisdom, and I
have written three books on relationships. So let's get to it.
Dear Doctor Wendy. My man's ex is the exact opposite
(08:14):
of me. She's a different race, age, and height, just
completely different. Is he really attracted to me or just
trying to forget her? All right, we need to pause.
There's some questions I have here. First of all, why
are you so concerned with his ex? She's an ex?
Why are you competing with her? Who cares? You have him?
You one? Why are you being so insecure? So that's
(08:36):
on you just want to say that. Then the next
thing is, really, you're only a physical being, that's all
you are to him, and so therefore, if you don't
look like her, age, race height, then somehow he can't
be attracted to you. Why do you think your value
is only in what you look like? Maybe he loves
(08:57):
your heart and soul and brain and mind. Maybe he
loves your life experience. Maybe he loves what you do.
Maybe he loves who you are. Is he just trying
to forget her? I don't know. I will say that
I do understand the confusion and the feeling, and I'll
be honest. When I first started to go out with
(09:18):
my husband, Julio, he used to say we'd be out
around these long walks during COVID, holding hands and he
would muse, because he's an extrovert, extrovert to he would muse,
and he would say things like, it's so weird, I've
never gone out with a blonde. I always go out
with brunettes. Or he'd say I usually go out with Latinas.
It's weird going out with somebody who doesn't speak Spanish,
(09:39):
you know. Like he would bring up this stuff and
I would literally pause in my tracks, turn and face
him and go, what do you think this means that
you're having these questions? I don't know. It's just weird.
It's just different, you know, and not used to having blood.
And I go, well, let me ask you this. Do
you think you should have a woman who who speak Spanish?
(10:01):
Do you think you should have a woman with dark hair? No? No,
I'm just surprised. And then I'm like, okay, so what
do blondes mean to you? I mean, he's going out
with me, He's going to get that. I need to
get to the end of this. And in the end,
I think what came up is most of his desire
to be with Latinas and dark haired women was to
(10:23):
be the opposite of his mom, because when his mom
was young, she was blonde. And I go, now you've
come full circle. You come back into mommy's arms. Baby,
It's okay. We analyzed it together. I didn't put it
on my feelings. I was like, like, what is he
trying to express? And I helped him learn about himself.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
All right?
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Moving on, this listener writes to me, dear doctor Wendy,
when I got married, my husband started to request new
things sexually that I'm not necessarily into. Should I oblige?
Since I chose him for life? This is a million
dollar question that comes up in relationships all the time.
(11:02):
The thing about sexuality. It's a menu of things, and
some people have a wider menu of options, and some
people have a less of a menu. I have a
dear friend who is a sex therapist, and she says
this is presented in her practice on a regular basis.
She would say that they try to find a common ground.
What's most important is that both of you discuss your fantasies,
(11:26):
discuss your desires, discuss workarounds and ways you want to
do it now. I remember, years and years ago there
was a columnist named Dear Abby. I don't know if
anybody's old enough to remember Dear Abby. She was in
every syndicated newspaper around and someone wrote just something similar
to that, but because it was like the seventies or eighties,
(11:46):
they worded it like, my husband wants to do things
late at night that I don't want to do. What
should I do? And her answer really surprised me, and
it's stuck in my head because her answer was, you know,
just because you're not hungry doesn't mean you shouldn't or
a meal with somebody, or just because somebody made you
a plate of something you don't like, you shouldn't try it. Right,
So I brought that up in my human sexuality class
(12:09):
when I was in graduate school, and the teacher said,
dear Abby should be shot. Whoop. She said that class,
no one should do something that they don't want to do.
So I'm a believer in both things. There's a happy
medium between both of those ideas, and the only way
that it'll work out is if the two of you
go to a sex therapist together, somebody who specializes in
(12:32):
these issues, who understands that this is common and there
are workarounds, because guess what, When you first enter a relationship,
it's like ninety percent about the sex and lust and
ten percent about everything else. Once you've been together a
lot of years, it's about ten percent sex and ninety
percent everything else. So make sure you're growing all the
other parts of the relationship. Okay, I think we have
(12:53):
time for one more. Oop. I just did that one, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.
Ooh oh oh, this is interesting. Dear doctor Wendy. My
ex showed up at a party that he knew I
would be at. He waited at the exit until I
left so he could talk to me. I told him
(13:15):
that I'm upset that he didn't let me enjoy my
time with my friends, and he said I'm ungrateful because
he wanted to see me. Was this a romantic gesture
or alarming behavior? This is alarming behavior. This is not
a romantic gesture. He's stalking you at this party. Now
(13:36):
you have a choice. You go to a party, you
see him there, you can choose to ignore him. I
prefer that you go and do the classy thing and
walk over and say hi, just wanted to say hello.
We're not together, so I won't be talking to you tonight,
but it's nice to see you here or whatever. Just
move along. It's nice to see you here, and move
along right, just to acknowledge acknowledge him, and enjoy your thing.
(14:00):
Or you can leave. You can take some friends with
you and just get out of there, right. But this
will hang in at the exit, waiting to talk to you.
It sounds like you broke up fairly recently, so it's
raw for him and he's trying to win you back.
And the fact that he responded with anger like you're ungrateful,
(14:20):
it makes me a little bit worried, all right, So
this is alarming behavior, Like you know what I would
if you see him at the next party, leave right
away and don't leave alone. Bring someone with you. Okay,
that's what I would do. Okay, one more quick one, dear,
talk to Wendy. Why do people on dating apps set
updates and not follow up? Oh, it's an easy question.
So for many people, they get enough hit of a
(14:40):
dopamine knowing that somebody wants to go out with them.
In other words, they get bored with just scrolling around
and get a whole bunch of people in their message box,
and then they set up stuff and they don't actually
follow through. Hopefully they're not leaving you alone in a
restaurant or coffee shop, but like they'll just say yeah, yeah,
maybe next week, and then they don't, right, Because there
(15:01):
are people who get high off just the interest and
they don't even need to go through the date. So
that's why it's very important that you do not set
up a date on a dating app. That you get
on the phone very quickly and talk to somebody and
you talk to them regularly, Okay, maybe do some FaceTime whatever,
And so when the first time you meet, it shouldn't
(15:22):
be a date. It should be a quick twenty minute
drive by coffee somewhere drive by date that's it, and
then decide if you want to go on a first date.
But yeah, that's why they do it. They're getting enough
of a dopamine high. All right, when we come back,
you're in a brand new relationship. Here's what you should
do in the first thirty days. And no, it doesn't
hook up every single day with them. I'll explain when
(15:43):
we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy
Wall Show. Just a reminder, I'm here every Sunday from
seven to nine pm. But if you miss any part
of the show, just download the iHeartRadio app and you
can listen to it anywhere. Search KFI or search Doctor
Wendy and you will find it. All right. As I said,
people are starting to get off those dating apps. We're
(16:16):
seeing a decline in almost all of them, and instead
people are moving to dms on Instagram because they see
what friends they have in common or they're actually meeting
in the real world. I want to talk particularly to
men to how they can brush up on their dating
(16:36):
skills if they're looking for a long term relationship. So douze,
if you're looking for a hookup, you can turn this
off right now if you're actually looking for a relationship.
And some of this advice comes from my experience, some
comes from my husband, Julio's experience, who tells me a
lot about guys, and some of it I've read around.
But I want to say this from the beginning. Julio
(16:59):
told me that if you're he wants every guy to
know this. If you're interested in having a long term
relationship with a woman, don't risk touching her too early
because you might scare her off. So if the focus
is her beauty, her body and sex and reaching out
and touching her, that sends her the message that you
(17:20):
just want sex now. If you are wanting a short
term relationship, of fine, go to it, but you'll scare
off the woman who wants more, right, So let's talk
about what you should be doing. The number one complaint
that women have about men. I can't believe that this
comes up in research study after research study is men
(17:41):
with poor hygiene. I can't believe I have to say
this out there, gentlemen, smell good, take a shower, be shaved,
do whatever you're going to do that makes you look
and feel good and smell clean to her. You should
know that women have a much lower tolerance for the
(18:01):
feeling of disgust. This has been proven in lots of
studies than men do. So she's going to be hyper
sensitive if you are not at your best when it
comes to hygiene and dare I need to say this too,
This is all like news for dummies. Please take her out.
Group dates don't count. You know. I was researching my
(18:21):
third book called The Thirty Day Love Detox, and I
held a bunch of little champagne parties with women, and
I'd asked them questions about their dating life, and I
at one of them, was so sad to learn that
one woman was twenty six years old and she'd never
been taken on a date by a guy. She'd only
been texted you want to go hang out and there
(18:41):
would be just groups of people, and she was often
expected to pay her way, and I was just like,
you know, guys, doesn't have to be expensive. Okay, take
her to the yard house. The California pizza kitchen. But
you know, take her out, pack a little picnic, go
for a hike, you know, bring a few granola bars
and some bottles of water for it. You know, do
(19:03):
something make her feel special. But do let her take
her own transportation at the beginning, because she might feel
unsafe with you as you're getting to know her. Take
her on a drink, a date that doesn't involve drinking,
doesn't involve drinking or eating. Take her on an experience.
(19:24):
You know. One of the things that Julio and I did,
mind you, We had the good fortune I say good
fortune of meeting at the beginning of the pandemic, and
so we couldn't go anywhere. So we did so many walks,
We did so many hiking, We did all kinds of
stuff that didn't involve going into restaurants or bars. You know,
(19:45):
it's so funny that I have to say this, but
you know, like let's say you're only dating like a
few weeks, you still want to be careful with your
bodily function skies. I mean, it's not the time to
burp or have air come out the other way. I know,
I know you can do it. We do it. Too.
We hold it in. That's what you you need to do.
You need to look like she can dust you off
and take you out to meet her parents. Do show
(20:06):
some kind of old fashioned manners, but don't go over
the top. You see, there's two ways that manners can
be interpreted by women. If you open doors for her,
it can make her feel like she's too weak to
do it or there's something wrong with her. It's also
awkward if you tell her stay there, I want to
go open the car door for you. You wait until
(20:28):
I you know, walking around the fourteen feet of your
suv to get to the door while she sits there
is you know, kind of it's awkward, okay, But if
you just get to the door first, open it. If
you get to the table at the restaurant, pull it
out for her. I particularly like man when I get
up to go to the restroom at the restaurant, if
(20:49):
they stand up when I stand up, I love that
just for a second. That's what you do, all right. Also,
make yourself available. Stop hiding behind your iPhone, the text whatever,
Pick up the phone when she calls, call her, have
real communication. I know what you're saying. That's the old
fashion people test text. Now, I'm sorry, Do you want
a robot text relationship for the rest of your life?
(21:12):
Are you dating AI? Are you dating a human? A living, breathing, smelling,
delicious human. Talk to this person, pick up the phone.
Be honest and open about where you are in your life.
If you're dating other people, say that, don't let her
assume that you're the only one. And it is okay
to date other people at the beginning, right, because you're shopping,
(21:34):
she's shopping, right, Do some nice things for her, but
don't always expect that she needs to reciprocate. You. See,
traditional dating and courtship was about showing that you could
sacrifice for her. That means driving far. I have to
tell you a story at I can't remember a second
or third date with Julio, and I was trying to
(21:56):
look for places where we could eat outdoors. I was
so afraid of that that pandemic, so afraid of that COVID,
and so I said, oh, you know, we should meet
outside on the cliff a tarannea resort and at the
time I was living down on the South Bay. It
was kind of close for me. And He's like, sure, sure, sure,
And then We're eating outside on the picnic table with
(22:17):
our takeout food. But I felt comfortable because it was
windy and the virus was not coming to get me.
And I said, oh, where did you come from? And
he was like, Calabasses. I'm like, he drove from Calabasis
down to Taranea, which is way pv like way down there,
all because of me. He sacrificed. Right, What else do
(22:38):
I want to say? Oh, don't be afraid, don't be
afraid to try some humor. She will overlaugh even at
your bad jokes if she likes you. You know, we
did an episode of my Mating Matter podcast on humor,
and there's all kinds of research to show that humor
evolved as a mating strategy because it indicates high intelligence.
Not every man is good with humor and know when
(23:01):
a woman overlaughs at their jokes that she's into them,
and they know when it happens. Right. Also, finally, in
the first thirty days of a relationship, if you're not
feeling it, move on, but don't ghost her. What does
it take to just say hey, instead of I'm not
feeling it, I don't like that TikTok guy, Just say
you know, I think you're a really fascinating person, but
(23:24):
I don't think romance is in the cards for us,
and it was lovely meeting. You have some class, have
some good communication, get out there and find somebody to
love and stay connected with. That is the new trend,
a real bond, and that brings the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show to a close. It is always my pleasure to
be here on Sunday nights wing in on your love life.
(23:47):
As I said, if you miss any part of the show,
just download the iHeartRadio app search Doctor Wendy Walsh. You've
been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six point forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI A M six forty from
seven to nine p m on Sunday and any time
(24:08):
on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio App. All right, I'm going to my
social media into the DMS to answer some of your
pressing questions about relationships. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm
(00:22):
a psychology professor, but I have written three books on
relationships and did my dissertation on attachment theory. You could
call me a relationship journalist, So let me weigh in,
or the auntie with the best advice. Okay, here's one.
Dear Doctor Wendy. A man i'm dating says he doesn't
(00:44):
do well with maintaining relationships because his work requires him
to travel far and often. Does this mean exit if
I want a relationship, Well, this means you need to
ask a lot more questions. You need to say to him,
what do you think is required to maintain a relationship?
Ask him what he's unable to do. If he says, oh,
(01:08):
you know, daily phone calls or you know, having to
see the person regularly when I can't be sure that
I can. Then you're probably listening to somebody with an
avoidant attachment style and his work protects him from intimacy.
But I would definitely ask a lot more questions about
what that means. And also I would ask yourself what
(01:31):
you're looking for in a relationship. You know, maybe you're
a single mom and has your kids every other week,
and having somebody who's gone part of the time could
be good because you're busy with your other stuff, but
maybe not too. Maybe you want a deep, consistent, emotional
attachment that involves FaceTime and regular calls and sharing a life.
(01:51):
Right in that case, this guy's given you a warning,
just to let you know be on alert. All right,
Moving on, Hey, doctor Wendy, I have a question. Is
a man being condescending when he says my career as
a writer is cute? Or is that a compliment? I'm sorry,
that is like our sarcastic dish that I was talking
(02:12):
about before. Careers aren't cute? First of all, what does
cute mean? Small? Little, young, pretty funny? Oh it's so cute,
sey mino. That's what they say in French say Mignon
say cute. You know what a filet Mignon is. It's
a cute steak philet mignon. No, your career is not cute.
(02:37):
If it's it's part of your identity, it's part of
your creativity. It's something that should bring you self pride.
I would definitely correct him on that that's not a compliment.
That is not a compliment at all. And I would say,
I just want to say one thing. He must be insecure,
so he wants to put down your career because he's
not so proud of his for whatever reason. So I
(03:00):
think maybe the way to address it is, Hey, you
know you told me once that you thought my career
was cute. I wonder what you think of your career?
Can we talk about it? Are we comparing? Like? Just
ask you always shake your head, Kayla, because you're just
so funny. I just you hear such a straight shooter
like I am.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I love that. I love it.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
I want people to learn just say it.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
It makes me happy.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Just say it. I should write a book called just
say It.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
You should.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
People are not expected to be mind readers in relationships. Okay,
moving along to another listener question. Dear doctor, Wendy. Is
it a red flag if a man in his forties
says he's never been in love or is their first
time for everything? Uh No, that's a huge red flag.
That is a huge red flag. First of all, love
(03:48):
is not something that happens to you. It's something you do.
It is a verb. I often say it is the
verb to give. So he's basically saying, I've never given
enough of myself to anybody to be in a relationship.
I've never chosen to do that. Love is also a choice.
It's an intellectual choice. Yes, there's some chemistry involved in
all that, but then you choose to go forward. Because
you can have great chemistry with somebody who's terrible for
(04:11):
you and make you can make the intellectual choice not
to go forward. Right. You can also have okay chemistry
with somebody who you want to just merge a life
with and make it great, and you can make that choice.
That's called intellectual love. Right. So, if he says he's
never been in love and he's in his forties and
he has no kids, I know you want to think
(04:32):
you are the one you're gonna want. That's gonna turn
him around. And it's because he hasn't met the one.
It's not true. It's because he hasn't learned relationship skills,
and a lot of it may go back to his
early life and his family of origin. He hasn't learned
how to love. And it's not your job to be
his teacher. Just want to say, not your job to
be his teacher. Dear doctor Wendy, how can you tell
(04:55):
if someone just wants sex out of a relationship that
should be very easy. They compliment you on your looks,
they get all touchy feely. After sex, they kind of
disappear because they got what they want and they don't
come back right away. Somebody who wants more than sex
courts you, spends time taking you out, sacrifices, spends time
and money and energy, gets to know you, talks about life,
(05:17):
your family, love, your goals, gets to know you intimately.
But if all they're talking about your hop baby when
we were getting together, they just want sex. It's pretty simple,
but girls put blinders on. I don't know all right,
I think we have time for one more before we
go to a break. Dear doctor Wendy, My girlfriend is
still very friendly with her ex's family. She calls them
(05:38):
for the holidays and on their birthdays. She was with
him for twelve years and considers them her family. It
makes me uncomfortable. But am I being immature?
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (05:48):
First of all, why haven't you introduced her to your tribe?
Why what is going on? And how long have you
been with this girlfriend? All? Right, when people get together
in a relationship, it becomes a bridge between tribes those
you have no control over those tribal members. I know
I did a segment on the show before I can remember.
Layla Mohammad was doing the news back when, and I
(06:11):
was doing this thing on if your ex is talking,
if your family members are talking to your ex, what
does it feel like? And she pipes in with my
mom does that all the time. She's still in touch
with my ex boyfriends. And it drives me crazy, And
I'm just like, you know what, you can't control other
people's relationships, right, If they have a friendship, they have
a friendship. So it's not like she's getting on a
(06:31):
plane and going to visit them for the holidays. So
she's checking in on the holidays and their birthdays. Because
she's done it for twelve years. You will eventually reshape
her by giving her a new tribe, Introduce her to
your family, take her out to stuff. That's how you
do it, all right. Yeah, you're feeling a little insecure
about this now. It would be different if you told
me so. My girlfriend is very friendly with her ex
(06:54):
and goes to have Christmas dinner with he and his family.
That would be a threat, right, but you know, checking
in with her old mother in law. I don't know
if they're married or not or whatever, but twelve years
is a long time. We have a relationship, and they're
people too. She has a right to have them around
in her life, so I kind of say, get over it,
all right. When we come back, I'm going to continue
answering your questions. Please feel free to send me a question.
(07:18):
Kayla goes through them. She finds out which ones are
good to read. If I don't get to it this week,
we keep them in the hopper and next week I
might get to it. So just go onto Instagram. The
handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh
and send me a direct message. When we come back,
I'll have more of your questions. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Wallh Show on KFI AM six forty Live
(07:39):
everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I
am answering your direct messages, your relationship questions. Remind her,
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I
have a long life of experience and wisdom, and I
have written three books on relationships. So let's get to it.
Dear Doctor Wendy. My man's ex is the exact opposite
(08:14):
of me. She's a different race, age, and height, just
completely different. Is he really attracted to me or just
trying to forget her? All right, we need to pause.
There's some questions I have here. First of all, why
are you so concerned with his ex? She's an ex?
Why are you competing with her? Who cares? You have him?
You one? Why are you being so insecure? So that's
(08:36):
on you just want to say that. Then the next
thing is, really, you're only a physical being, that's all
you are to him, and so therefore, if you don't
look like her, age, race height, then somehow he can't
be attracted to you. Why do you think your value
is only in what you look like? Maybe he loves
(08:57):
your heart and soul and brain and mind. Maybe he
loves your life experience. Maybe he loves what you do.
Maybe he loves who you are. Is he just trying
to forget her? I don't know. I will say that
I do understand the confusion and the feeling, and I'll
be honest. When I first started to go out with
(09:18):
my husband, Julio, he used to say we'd be out
around these long walks during COVID, holding hands and he
would muse, because he's an extrovert, extrovert to he would muse,
and he would say things like, it's so weird, I've
never gone out with a blonde. I always go out
with brunettes. Or he'd say I usually go out with Latinas.
It's weird going out with somebody who doesn't speak Spanish,
(09:39):
you know. Like he would bring up this stuff and
I would literally pause in my tracks, turn and face
him and go, what do you think this means that
you're having these questions? I don't know. It's just weird.
It's just different, you know, and not used to having blood.
And I go, well, let me ask you this. Do
you think you should have a woman who who speak Spanish?
(10:01):
Do you think you should have a woman with dark hair? No? No,
I'm just surprised. And then I'm like, okay, so what
do blondes mean to you? I mean, he's going out
with me, He's going to get that. I need to
get to the end of this. And in the end,
I think what came up is most of his desire
to be with Latinas and dark haired women was to
(10:23):
be the opposite of his mom, because when his mom
was young, she was blonde. And I go, now you've
come full circle. You come back into mommy's arms. Baby,
It's okay. We analyzed it together. I didn't put it
on my feelings. I was like, like, what is he
trying to express? And I helped him learn about himself.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
All right?
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Moving on, this listener writes to me, dear doctor Wendy,
when I got married, my husband started to request new
things sexually that I'm not necessarily into. Should I oblige?
Since I chose him for life? This is a million
dollar question that comes up in relationships all the time.
(11:02):
The thing about sexuality. It's a menu of things, and
some people have a wider menu of options, and some
people have a less of a menu. I have a
dear friend who is a sex therapist, and she says
this is presented in her practice on a regular basis.
She would say that they try to find a common ground.
What's most important is that both of you discuss your fantasies,
(11:26):
discuss your desires, discuss workarounds and ways you want to
do it now. I remember, years and years ago there
was a columnist named Dear Abby. I don't know if
anybody's old enough to remember Dear Abby. She was in
every syndicated newspaper around and someone wrote just something similar
to that, but because it was like the seventies or eighties,
(11:46):
they worded it like, my husband wants to do things
late at night that I don't want to do. What
should I do? And her answer really surprised me, and
it's stuck in my head because her answer was, you know,
just because you're not hungry doesn't mean you shouldn't or
a meal with somebody, or just because somebody made you
a plate of something you don't like, you shouldn't try it. Right,
So I brought that up in my human sexuality class
(12:09):
when I was in graduate school, and the teacher said,
dear Abby should be shot. Whoop. She said that class,
no one should do something that they don't want to do.
So I'm a believer in both things. There's a happy
medium between both of those ideas, and the only way
that it'll work out is if the two of you
go to a sex therapist together, somebody who specializes in
(12:32):
these issues, who understands that this is common and there
are workarounds, because guess what, When you first enter a relationship,
it's like ninety percent about the sex and lust and
ten percent about everything else. Once you've been together a
lot of years, it's about ten percent sex and ninety
percent everything else. So make sure you're growing all the
other parts of the relationship. Okay, I think we have
(12:53):
time for one more. Oop. I just did that one, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.
Ooh oh oh, this is interesting. Dear doctor Wendy. My
ex showed up at a party that he knew I
would be at. He waited at the exit until I
left so he could talk to me. I told him
(13:15):
that I'm upset that he didn't let me enjoy my
time with my friends, and he said I'm ungrateful because
he wanted to see me. Was this a romantic gesture
or alarming behavior? This is alarming behavior. This is not
a romantic gesture. He's stalking you at this party. Now
(13:36):
you have a choice. You go to a party, you
see him there, you can choose to ignore him. I
prefer that you go and do the classy thing and
walk over and say hi, just wanted to say hello.
We're not together, so I won't be talking to you tonight,
but it's nice to see you here or whatever. Just
move along. It's nice to see you here, and move
along right, just to acknowledge acknowledge him, and enjoy your thing.
(14:00):
Or you can leave. You can take some friends with
you and just get out of there, right. But this
will hang in at the exit, waiting to talk to you.
It sounds like you broke up fairly recently, so it's
raw for him and he's trying to win you back.
And the fact that he responded with anger like you're ungrateful,
(14:20):
it makes me a little bit worried, all right, So
this is alarming behavior, Like you know what I would
if you see him at the next party, leave right
away and don't leave alone. Bring someone with you. Okay,
that's what I would do. Okay, one more quick one, dear,
talk to Wendy. Why do people on dating apps set
updates and not follow up? Oh, it's an easy question.
So for many people, they get enough hit of a
(14:40):
dopamine knowing that somebody wants to go out with them.
In other words, they get bored with just scrolling around
and get a whole bunch of people in their message box,
and then they set up stuff and they don't actually
follow through. Hopefully they're not leaving you alone in a
restaurant or coffee shop, but like they'll just say yeah, yeah,
maybe next week, and then they don't, right, Because there
(15:01):
are people who get high off just the interest and
they don't even need to go through the date. So
that's why it's very important that you do not set
up a date on a dating app. That you get
on the phone very quickly and talk to somebody and
you talk to them regularly, Okay, maybe do some FaceTime whatever,
And so when the first time you meet, it shouldn't
(15:22):
be a date. It should be a quick twenty minute
drive by coffee somewhere drive by date that's it, and
then decide if you want to go on a first date.
But yeah, that's why they do it. They're getting enough
of a dopamine high. All right, when we come back,
you're in a brand new relationship. Here's what you should
do in the first thirty days. And no, it doesn't
hook up every single day with them. I'll explain when
(15:43):
we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy
Wall Show. Just a reminder, I'm here every Sunday from
seven to nine pm. But if you miss any part
of the show, just download the iHeartRadio app and you
can listen to it anywhere. Search KFI or search Doctor
Wendy and you will find it. All right. As I said,
people are starting to get off those dating apps. We're
(16:16):
seeing a decline in almost all of them, and instead
people are moving to dms on Instagram because they see
what friends they have in common or they're actually meeting
in the real world. I want to talk particularly to
men to how they can brush up on their dating
(16:36):
skills if they're looking for a long term relationship. So douze,
if you're looking for a hookup, you can turn this
off right now if you're actually looking for a relationship.
And some of this advice comes from my experience, some
comes from my husband, Julio's experience, who tells me a
lot about guys, and some of it I've read around.
But I want to say this from the beginning. Julio
(16:59):
told me that if you're he wants every guy to
know this. If you're interested in having a long term
relationship with a woman, don't risk touching her too early
because you might scare her off. So if the focus
is her beauty, her body and sex and reaching out
and touching her, that sends her the message that you
(17:20):
just want sex now. If you are wanting a short
term relationship, of fine, go to it, but you'll scare
off the woman who wants more, right, So let's talk
about what you should be doing. The number one complaint
that women have about men. I can't believe that this
comes up in research study after research study is men
(17:41):
with poor hygiene. I can't believe I have to say
this out there, gentlemen, smell good, take a shower, be shaved,
do whatever you're going to do that makes you look
and feel good and smell clean to her. You should
know that women have a much lower tolerance for the
(18:01):
feeling of disgust. This has been proven in lots of
studies than men do. So she's going to be hyper
sensitive if you are not at your best when it
comes to hygiene and dare I need to say this too,
This is all like news for dummies. Please take her out.
Group dates don't count. You know. I was researching my
(18:21):
third book called The Thirty Day Love Detox, and I
held a bunch of little champagne parties with women, and
I'd asked them questions about their dating life, and I
at one of them, was so sad to learn that
one woman was twenty six years old and she'd never
been taken on a date by a guy. She'd only
been texted you want to go hang out and there
(18:41):
would be just groups of people, and she was often
expected to pay her way, and I was just like,
you know, guys, doesn't have to be expensive. Okay, take
her to the yard house. The California pizza kitchen. But
you know, take her out, pack a little picnic, go
for a hike, you know, bring a few granola bars
and some bottles of water for it. You know, do
(19:03):
something make her feel special. But do let her take
her own transportation at the beginning, because she might feel
unsafe with you as you're getting to know her. Take
her on a drink, a date that doesn't involve drinking,
doesn't involve drinking or eating. Take her on an experience.
(19:24):
You know. One of the things that Julio and I did,
mind you, We had the good fortune I say good
fortune of meeting at the beginning of the pandemic, and
so we couldn't go anywhere. So we did so many walks,
We did so many hiking, We did all kinds of
stuff that didn't involve going into restaurants or bars. You know,
(19:45):
it's so funny that I have to say this, but
you know, like let's say you're only dating like a
few weeks, you still want to be careful with your
bodily function skies. I mean, it's not the time to
burp or have air come out the other way. I know,
I know you can do it. We do it. Too.
We hold it in. That's what you you need to do.
You need to look like she can dust you off
and take you out to meet her parents. Do show
(20:06):
some kind of old fashioned manners, but don't go over
the top. You see, there's two ways that manners can
be interpreted by women. If you open doors for her,
it can make her feel like she's too weak to
do it or there's something wrong with her. It's also
awkward if you tell her stay there, I want to
go open the car door for you. You wait until
(20:28):
I you know, walking around the fourteen feet of your
suv to get to the door while she sits there
is you know, kind of it's awkward, okay, But if
you just get to the door first, open it. If
you get to the table at the restaurant, pull it
out for her. I particularly like man when I get
up to go to the restroom at the restaurant, if
(20:49):
they stand up when I stand up, I love that
just for a second. That's what you do, all right. Also,
make yourself available. Stop hiding behind your iPhone, the text whatever,
Pick up the phone when she calls, call her, have
real communication. I know what you're saying. That's the old
fashion people test text. Now, I'm sorry, Do you want
a robot text relationship for the rest of your life?
(21:12):
Are you dating AI? Are you dating a human? A living, breathing, smelling,
delicious human. Talk to this person, pick up the phone.
Be honest and open about where you are in your life.
If you're dating other people, say that, don't let her
assume that you're the only one. And it is okay
to date other people at the beginning, right, because you're shopping,
(21:34):
she's shopping, right, Do some nice things for her, but
don't always expect that she needs to reciprocate. You. See,
traditional dating and courtship was about showing that you could
sacrifice for her. That means driving far. I have to
tell you a story at I can't remember a second
or third date with Julio, and I was trying to
(21:56):
look for places where we could eat outdoors. I was
so afraid of that that pandemic, so afraid of that COVID,
and so I said, oh, you know, we should meet
outside on the cliff a tarannea resort and at the
time I was living down on the South Bay. It
was kind of close for me. And He's like, sure, sure, sure,
And then We're eating outside on the picnic table with
(22:17):
our takeout food. But I felt comfortable because it was
windy and the virus was not coming to get me.
And I said, oh, where did you come from? And
he was like, Calabasses. I'm like, he drove from Calabasis
down to Taranea, which is way pv like way down there,
all because of me. He sacrificed. Right, What else do
(22:38):
I want to say? Oh, don't be afraid, don't be
afraid to try some humor. She will overlaugh even at
your bad jokes if she likes you. You know, we
did an episode of my Mating Matter podcast on humor,
and there's all kinds of research to show that humor
evolved as a mating strategy because it indicates high intelligence.
Not every man is good with humor and know when
(23:01):
a woman overlaughs at their jokes that she's into them,
and they know when it happens. Right. Also, finally, in
the first thirty days of a relationship, if you're not
feeling it, move on, but don't ghost her. What does
it take to just say hey, instead of I'm not
feeling it, I don't like that TikTok guy, Just say
you know, I think you're a really fascinating person, but
(23:24):
I don't think romance is in the cards for us,
and it was lovely meeting. You have some class, have
some good communication, get out there and find somebody to
love and stay connected with. That is the new trend,
a real bond, and that brings the Doctor Wendy Wall
Show to a close. It is always my pleasure to
be here on Sunday nights wing in on your love life.
(23:47):
As I said, if you miss any part of the show,
just download the iHeartRadio app search Doctor Wendy Walsh. You've
been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six point forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI A M six forty from
seven to nine p m on Sunday and any time
(24:08):
on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
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