November 11, 2024 • 30 mins
Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. PLUS misogyny online and the 4b movement. It's all on KFIAM640!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to The Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio App. If you have a relationship question, feel
free to send me a DM on Instagram at Dr
Wendy Walsh and I will producer Kayla. We'll go through
(00:22):
it and she'll decide if it makes sense. Blah blah blah.
I love this. I love this. So a gentleman writes
to me and he says, why do girls keep unmatching
me on dating apps? How do I learn to give
better conversation? So here's the thing. Remember what dating apps are, right?
(00:45):
Dating apps are shouldn't be called dating apps. They should
be called meeting apps. Because what happens is people start
to suffer from that paradox of choice I've talked about earlier. Right,
there's just too many people in their message box and
they shouldn't be dating on the app. In other words,
having these conversations. It should be just about meeting them
(01:06):
and getting on the phone fairly quickly. So I, in
fact always tell women to give up their phone number
fairly quickly on these apps. Now, how do I learn
to give better conversation? I'm just going to say this.
The first few texts should be some kind of comment
on something you see in their profile where the two
(01:26):
of you have commonality, right, some kind of oh, I
see you were at this museum that's one of my
favorite places, or I recognize whatever, find something. That's what
you want to do to be to have good conversation
with anybody, whether you're meeting and flirting in public or
on dating apps. But do not get into endless chatting
(01:48):
on the apps. After you've developed rapport with a few
little texts back and forth, just say, hey, if you'd
like to get on the phone and have a chat,
I'm open to it. Here's my number. And then don't
continue to text and let people unmatch you. You know what,
every time there's an unmatch, you should do a touchdown
cheer because that person wasn't your person. It wasn't meant
(02:10):
to be right. But anyway, just look for commonality. Uh,
Dear doctor Wendy, I ordered a takeout order on my
boyfriend's phone from a place I introduced him to a
few weeks back. Okay, so a few weeks ago she
took him to this restaurant or introduced him to her takeout,
(02:30):
and then she used his phone to order. When I
confirmed my name, they said the name of his ex girlfriend.
He said they went there once before, but he didn't
want to tell me because I would get mad. Is
this a clear sign he's still in contact with her?
He does deny it. Well, I don't know the answer,
(02:53):
but I do know this. Do you get mad? Or
is he just really afraid of women's anger? It could
be two things, right, Are you somebody who's a hot head,
because then you know what, they're going to want to
lie to you more often because they're afraid of your anger.
Or is he somebody who's just kind of emotionally avoidant
and kind of afraid of anger in that way? I
(03:14):
don't know. So it's not a clear sign that he's
in contact with her. Oh just you know, keep your
antennas up a little bit cause you never know, right,
And it could I just don't like when people lie
even a little bit, though, like him going did he
go like, oh my god, there's new place. No, I've
never tried it before and then you find out they did. Yeah,
(03:38):
that's it. Just here's the problem. Even when people are
lying on their dating apps or a little bit about
their height or their weight or their age or whatever,
it's hard to build trust. Whenever there's been any little,
even small, white lie, it's very difficult to build trust
in a relationship. So I'm gonna say, just keep your
intennis up. That's all I'm gonna say. But he could
(04:00):
have done the white light thing and the next and
what you should say to him is, hey, I can
tolerate anything except lying. So just from now on, trust
me with the truth. Okay, Uh, moving on, Dear doctor Wendy.
I met a guy on hinge and we really connected
via text, but when we face timed, the vibe was awkward.
(04:22):
Is this a clear sign we won't work out? Or
should I still meet him in person? No? You should
not meet someone in person who you didn't click with.
It's not like, well, it's going to get better and
better and better, because that's the whole point of getting
on the phone or facetiming, so you don't have to
go on a date. Don't ghost him. Okay, you've now
(04:42):
seen each other's face. Here's the thing I say about ghosting.
You guys have to be very careful. You think Los
Angeles is a giant city until you go somebody, and
then you walk into some meeting and there he is
a new employee or a new client at your work,
and you're like, ah, you feel so awkward, right, So
all you do is compose a nice little text that
(05:04):
said it was lovely chatting with you. I kind of
don't think romances in the cards for us. I'll keep
you in mind for a friend. Thank you so much
for the introduction. It was lovely to chat. That's it, right,
But it doesn't get better if you're like, oh no,
that's awkward. You don't run and meet them in person
to see if it was. If they suddenly are less awkward,
(05:24):
I don't know. Oh, here's a tangled web that someone
has woven. Dear doctor Wendy. Oh, I have a hard
time even reading this. Dear doctor Wendy. I got pregnant
by my roommate. He says he doesn't want a relationship,
but we're pregnant and we live together. What should I do? Okay,
(05:47):
first of all, you're in a relationship, you might want
to let him know that that as soon as he
put his penis in a vagina, he has a responsibility.
Now and you're living together and having sex, but considering
yourself's a roommate, I'm going to say one word, boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries,
But this is the slippery slope that happens when heterosexual
(06:08):
men and women live together. Not every time, but you know,
you could have a weak night, little alcohol, whatever, and
before you know it, look at this. You got to
figure out what you need to do for yourself, and
that means may mean moving, it may mean terminating the pregnancy,
it may mean having the baby on your own. But
this guy's telling you very clearly he doesn't want this,
(06:29):
So don't even hope for anything. I'm sorry to be
so hard nos on this, but please don't hope. Ugh,
and especially if you think, well, don't they have the
baby and he sees how cute the baby, No, they don't.
Suddenly go now, I'm really into fatherhood. I do want
to say this. You know, evolutionary psychologists would say that
(06:51):
human beings have the widest range of paternal investment in
offspring of any primate out there, which means that at
one end, of the scale, you've got a dude whose
only investment in his kid is a teaspoon of sperm.
And at the other end of the scale, you've got
literally a baby wearing, carpool driving, softball throwing, doting dad
(07:16):
and we have everything else in between two. So to
think he's going to be that when he's telling you
very clearly he's not that. You and your baby need
to make your decision together, whatever it's going to be.
It's not a baby, you're just pregnant. Whatever you and
your zygot, whatever the cells you got there. You need
(07:37):
to make a decision for your reproductive health, for your
mental health, for your life. This is about you now,
because he's been very very clear with you. All Right,
when we come back, there's a new dating trend and
you won't believe what it is. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're
(07:57):
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Welcome back to the Doctor Anywell's Show on k I
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right,
I promised you a new dating trend. There always seems
to be one. You're not going to believe this one.
Sober dating, Yeah, it's a thing. Now. I'm not talking
(08:29):
about people in sobriety, people who have, you know, an
alcohol use disorder, who are you know, can can't ever
drink when they date. I'm talking about people who socially drink,
who may probably not have a problem with drinking, who've
decided that when they go on first dates or second
(08:49):
dates that they're just going to remove alcohol from the
whole thing and not do it. So let's talk a
little bit first about why alcohol has such a storied
place in romantic dating. What alcohol does is it can
lower anxiety in the short term by the way you're
using it frequently. It raises anxiety when it wears off,
(09:11):
that's a whole other thing. But it can reduce inhibitions, right,
I don't know. If you spend any time in London,
the English or very lock job, they're very tongue tied
until you go to one of their pubs and then
they've got that wonderful lubricant and boy they say a
lot of stuff. So it can reduce inhibitions. It can
(09:32):
make you chattier, more engaging. It even can create that
pleasurable feeling of euphoria. You know, I'm not gonna lie.
I love to pour myself a skinny, spicy margarita, and
my sweet Julio thinks it's he doesn't drink it all,
by the way, and not because he's in sourpriety. He
just doesn't like the taste of it. He's one of
those so I always have a designated driver. But anyway,
(09:54):
he loves how like it makes me just like to
have one drink. More than that, other things can happen.
So alcohol can be pretty great when you're dealing with
nerves associated with meeting a new person for the first time,
and also the worry about checking them out, anticipating could
you have a happy future together. But here's the big
(10:15):
downside of alcohol, and this is obviously the big reason
why people are doing sober dating. As soon as you
reduce inhibitions, you might make some choices that you regret later,
and of course that includes the big one, having unprotected
sex with somebody you cringe at. What's the alcohol effect
wears off? I know, it's all it's having to all
(10:37):
of us at one point or another, and we're like,
why did I do that? I think this trend of
dating sober is a great idea because it can help
you make better assessments of romantic compatibility. I mean, that's
what dating's supposed to be, right, it was designed to
be like this probation period where partners could determine if
(10:58):
someone was worth having sex with, or worth introducing them
to their family, or maybe even worth committing to in marriage.
So I think it GIFs you're like this clear head
to be able to make better decisions on date. And
also if you are that person who has a history
of making poor choices because of alcohol consumption, then yeah,
(11:21):
I mean, removing alcohol from a date can have a
very positive effect for you, especially on mental healthy You're
not crying in your pillow the next day, you're not
worried about pregnancies or an STI You're waking up with
a clear head because you might have uttered a very
platonic good night and thank you lovely time to someone
you're not interested in and you never have to see
(11:43):
again and you have no worries. So here's another thing.
I think dating sober can actually foster emotional intimacy. Now,
remember emotional intimacy is the glue. Right. If you don't
have that glue, if your relationship is based on only
the superficial, it's going to be a very tenuous relationship.
(12:05):
But when you don't have alcohol in your system and
you don't have that, you're not like this chatty, euphoric person.
You're your real, authentic self. This can be very attractive
to people, people of all genders. Right to show up
as your true self, and that might be somebody who says, hey,
I'm a little nervous about this, right, that's honest. Right,
(12:27):
you start off with intimacy from the beginning. It's one
of the reasons why I've been a huge fan of
coffee dates instead of first dates in a bar. Now,
people say, well, how do you do it? Like, how
do you like tell somebody like you're going to do
this right? Well, let me say, you don't need to
(12:47):
tell anybody anything. You can disorder your diet coque. I
mean it's a first date. What do they need to
know about? Who are what you're doing? Right, if you
have a sober, curious lifestyle, just do it. You don't
know anybody and explanation. And also if you are worried
that without alcohol you're going to have so much anxiety
(13:07):
you won't be able to get through it. Remember, there
are so many ways to naturally calm your parasympathic nervous system,
I mean your sympathetic nervous system. There are ways that
you can change your state of consciousness. You can do
it through deep breath work, meditation, even exercise. Try any
of those before you go out on a date. But again,
(13:30):
you don't have to tell anybody what you're doing. On
the other hand, if you have a kind of agenda,
like let's try the sober curious dating lifestyle, and I'm
going to message the person and say, I'm only going
to have a date with you if you'll do sober
dating with me. You know, I just want to remind
you you can't change anyone else's behavior, right. You can
(13:50):
only change your own behavior, and you can change your
reaction to their behavior. But if you've got this fantasy
that every date you have wants to try sober curious dating,
they might not be interested, and that's okay. They still
might be a good person. Right, here's what you do.
This is my opinion. If you're gonna try this sober
dating thing. Just don't date in a bar. Have a
(14:14):
morning date for breakfast, an afternoon date coffee, go for
a hike or a place where alcohol is an appropriate
yoga class, race, car driving simulators, museums and that way
there's no awkwardness, no need to discuss, just time and
place to enjoy each other sober as people normally would.
I do want to say one other thing, though, So
(14:36):
when some people see you order your die coke instead
of your drink and then you say, oh, you're just
doing some sober dating, they might immediately assume that you
have an alcohol use disorder. Remember, there are plenty of
social drinkers who may be biologically addicted to alcohol but
not psychologically addicted. So what that means is a lot
(14:56):
of people who have alcohol use disorders actually have an
under alyging mental health condition and they are self medicating
or they have unmanageable feelings that they're unable to deal with. Right.
But there are other people that are just in the
habit of drinking every day. An alcohol station in your
system for about twenty four hours and then so you know,
it's like you get a craving again. It's five o'clock
somewhere right, you get that craving again. So for those
(15:19):
people who might be biologically addicted, I would suggest learning
to drink socially two or three times a week. That
can improve your health, mental health, physical health. And if
you don't have an alcohol use disorder, you can just
explain to your date that you just like to have
a clear head during a date. Now, if anything I've
said strikes you as oh, maybe I do have an
(15:39):
alcohol use disorder, I just want to say, don't try
to quit alone. Reach out to a licensed addiction treatment
counselor or look up your local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter. Okay,
don't try to do it alone. But for you social drinkers,
if you want to be sober and a date, go
for it. Hey, when we come back, there's a trend
(16:01):
happening with some men online that's very, very disturbing. Let's
talk about it when we come back. You're listening to
The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on I AM six forty
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
The Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app all right, from sober dating
to something even more sobering. You might have heard about this. Men,
certain men, some men, probably only a small minority of
(16:40):
men are taking this electoral win of the far right
to social media in a way that is heartbreaking. Now,
there's an institute called the Institute for Strategic Dialogue CALLEDSD.
(17:01):
So they're a group of their independent, their nonprofit organizations,
and what they're all about is trying to safeguard human
rights and trying to reverse the rising tide of polarization
or extremism or disinformation worldwide. So they do a lot
of research and some of the things they say on
(17:22):
their website, well, first of all, it was brought to
my attention because people were sending me screenshots of these
things men are posting on x and even Instagram. And
we're not talking about every man. We're talking about very
small minority. But the things that they feel are okay
to say publicly now are pretty shocking. So so you
(17:45):
know that this particular election was focused a lot on
women's reproductive rights, and following Vice President Kamala Harris's loss,
there grew this online. I'm going to say it abuse, harassment, misogyny,
(18:05):
and it started really this emboldened group of men. They
call themselves online the man O Sphere, m anosp man
O Sphere, and they are influencers or people who just
have extreme ideologies and they are delighted that the Supreme
(18:27):
Court struck down Roe v. Wade. They use these platforms
to say things that are shocking. Now, this group who
does research, the ISD, observed reports of these narratives being
used to harass women online, particularly on high school and
college campuses. In fact, in just twenty four hours after
(18:50):
the election results came in, they have found a forty
six hundred increase in mentions of get ready for I'm
going to say something disgusting, but it's being tweeted all
over the internet right now, Your body my choice? Can
you imagine? Or get back in the kitchen. They're using
(19:14):
the C word a lot. They're attacking certain feminists online
and literally there's a guy named I don't even want
to say his name, but he's a white nationalist podcaster
who's a big influencer, has tons of followers. He wrote
your Body, My Choice Forever, Period and it has received
(19:39):
thirty five million views, and women on TikTok are starting
to talk about how scared they are having to delete
this kind of harassment on an every day. Now, I'm
somebody who has been in the media for decades, and
I will tell you I have been canceled many times
(20:00):
times because, as I say, sometimes when I'm doing a
slap back at somebody, I'm like, it's a tweet, it's
not a dissertation. In other words, one sentence doesn't sum
up all the thoughts that I have. Right, So apparently, well,
what I want to explain is that during the few
(20:20):
times even me, with my strong backbone and good self esteem,
has been canceled. I'm not gonna lie. It hurts. It
hurts a lot. There's research to show that emotional pain,
and especially when it's public shame, can feel the same
way on the brain as physical pain. Right, And so
(20:45):
so many young women are being harassed online with this
phrase your body, my choice, and now we're hearing that
young boys are chanting it at high schools and on
college campuses. In fact, one parent stated today my daughter
was told three separate times on campus your body my choice,
(21:09):
and a third group of boys told her you better
sleep with one eye open. Tonight. I mean, I'm shocked.
I have to tell you. So this has nothing to
do with sexual assault, but the fear that women have,
especially when they're young, about high disosterone boys and what
they could possibly do. When I was in the eighth grade,
(21:31):
the boys started this thing. Now, this was in Canada
and there was snow on the ground. We had started
to wear makeup, a little mascara, maybe a little lip
glass whatever. Eighth grade, right, we're fourteen, We're starting to
wear a little makeup. And the boys thought this was funny.
So they thought they would meet us at the gates
to the school yard before we came in to the
safety of the schoolyard and they would quote unquote wash
(21:52):
our face out with snow. Now, let me explain how
terrifying this is. Because you have big mittened hands of
boys with so much snow on your face. That's rough,
it's got ice particles in it. They're trying to mess
up your mascara to make you look ugly when you
walk onto campus. Eighth grade boys, what can I say
but the terror because it's suffocating. You got hands all
(22:14):
over your face, pushing snow in your face. So anyway,
of course, me, being an early feminist and not knowing it,
went and complained to the teacher, of the principal and everybody.
And I was the one who mostly got in trouble
that I couldn't take a joke. No, this was a
long time ago, and I think it would be treated
very differently today. But I feel like the words these
(22:34):
you know guys are using on college campuses, in high
schools and probably even middle schools. They're also calling for
the nineteenth Amendment to be repealed. That's the one that
gave women the vote. Okay, and this stuff is being retweeted, reposted,
pushed around. It's terrifying. It's terrifying now, somebody, So there
(23:02):
is some some women out there who are saying, oh no, actually,
you know the worst of the worst, right the massages.
Andrew Tate, if you haven't heard of himn't look him up, please,
he doesn't need it. And one more person to follow him.
He quoted that this is what he put on X.
I saw a woman crossing the road today, but I
just kept my foot down right of way. You no
longer have rights. That post received almost a million views
(23:26):
in two hours. So anyway, what are women doing in response.
You might be surprised to learn that women are doing
something that you might consider to be old fashioned, but
now it's considered modern. Let's talk about it when we
come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on
(23:49):
the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I
know that last segment was a downer. I'm as disturbed
by this as you are. We talk about how polarized
we've become, but really, to divide the sexes that much
(24:18):
it scares me. But you know, whenever men do something,
women find a way to retaliate. Remember this recent victory
by Donald Donald. I came to say the name Donald J.
Trump got it. He won fair and square. It was
(24:38):
driven in large part by those young male voters who
I talked about earlier, and so many people in America
felt like this whole election was really a referendum on
women's rights. I mean, think about it. Donald Trump had
(25:01):
been found liable for sexual abuse. His vice presidential candidate
called women childless cat ladies. His buddy Elon Musk talks
about anytime there's a woman who doesn't have a baby,
he'd be happy to give her a baby. He's got that.
We know of nine kids already. By the way, this
(25:22):
is very evolutionary in evolutionary psychology terms. When men are
feeling their power leaving, the one legacy they always have
is to make sure they impregnate as many women as
they can. And they do that by taking away their
rights to their bodies or their rights to control their reproduction. Right,
(25:44):
that's female power. So last week someone said to me, oh,
you know, there's this new trend in South Korea called
the four B movement be as a boy, and it
started in twenty nineteen apparently when Korean women where basically
the culture in South Korea was one where women's entire
(26:07):
value and even self identity was highly correlated with whether
they were married or not right, and so it was
all about the pursuit of a husband instead of the
pursuit of education. And so this cultural movement called the
four B movement I'll explain it in a minute, started
and as a result, Today, five years later, university registration
(26:30):
has surged. With females getting more education, they are often
delaying marriage and childbirth. So what's the four B movement?
So in it's called that because the Korean word by
means no, no this, no that, So think of every
time you hear be, think of the word no. So
(26:50):
the movement calls for no dating men, no sexual relationships
with men, atterosexual marriage, and get this, no pregnancy, no childbirth,
basically close our legs. So it seems extreme, doesn't it.
(27:13):
But after the election last week, there is now a
trend on TikTok and all social media as this four
B movement is starting to be pushed. Here listen to
this one, this particular TikToker. Explain it, ladies. I'm not
saying this to be facetious, but I don't care if
(27:34):
you're a rose girl, a wand girl, or a monster
alien tentacle girl. Stock up now for your moments of weakness,
because I promise you ain't not alive worth getting stuck
with a man.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
None.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
We are taking off the table indefinitely. I'm not sure
that women are going to achieve this, but the New
York Times did an entire article about the four B movement,
and they quoted a woman who said, and this was
the thing that struck me, This was a thing I
loved the most. Her sentence was something to the effect of,
it would have to be a very special man for
(28:11):
me to break the four bes four meaning have sex with,
or get married to, or have children with. And I thought,
oh my gosh, finally women are realizing that behaving traditionally
as men behaved sexually isn't always female freedom. In fact,
(28:31):
I've always said, adopting a male model of anything is
not female freedom. Female's power is respecting their body, respecting
their very intelligent biology that often, because we emit so
much oxytocin during sex and orgasm, often falls in love
(28:52):
with a loser when we didn't even mean to. Or
those girls who say, oh, I love the hookup culture.
It's so great. You know how many are actually crying
in a therapist's office the next day. So, and it's
not to say that this is a moral question. This
is not to say that there aren't women out there
who can and should and let's all be sex positive, enjoy, enjoy,
(29:14):
and enjoy. But look where it got us here. We
are with men saying these things online and women going whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa whoa. Wait a minute, maybe I do have some
power here. So anyway, google it the four B movement.
If you're a young woman, maybe you want to join
(29:35):
the movement for a while and see what it is
to have true female power, because that is ultimately female power.
I that brings our show to a wrap up here,
but I want to say it is for more than
a decade, I have continued to disseminate explain all the
(29:55):
latest research on the science of love, and as various
trends are, I try to explore them in the most
fair way, interjecting my opinions sometimes because I'm a human
being and I'm a radio talk show host. But stay
with me because I want to continue to follow these
(30:15):
particular trends because something is happening in America. There's a
new battle of the sexes going on, and let's see
what happens as a result of it. I'm always here
for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm. You've
been listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app you've
(30:41):
been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear
us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
iHeartRadio app
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to The Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio App. If you have a relationship question, feel
free to send me a DM on Instagram at Dr
Wendy Walsh and I will producer Kayla. We'll go through
(00:22):
it and she'll decide if it makes sense. Blah blah blah.
I love this. I love this. So a gentleman writes
to me and he says, why do girls keep unmatching
me on dating apps? How do I learn to give
better conversation? So here's the thing. Remember what dating apps are, right?
(00:45):
Dating apps are shouldn't be called dating apps. They should
be called meeting apps. Because what happens is people start
to suffer from that paradox of choice I've talked about earlier. Right,
there's just too many people in their message box and
they shouldn't be dating on the app. In other words,
having these conversations. It should be just about meeting them
(01:06):
and getting on the phone fairly quickly. So I, in
fact always tell women to give up their phone number
fairly quickly on these apps. Now, how do I learn
to give better conversation? I'm just going to say this.
The first few texts should be some kind of comment
on something you see in their profile where the two
(01:26):
of you have commonality, right, some kind of oh, I
see you were at this museum that's one of my
favorite places, or I recognize whatever, find something. That's what
you want to do to be to have good conversation
with anybody, whether you're meeting and flirting in public or
on dating apps. But do not get into endless chatting
(01:48):
on the apps. After you've developed rapport with a few
little texts back and forth, just say, hey, if you'd
like to get on the phone and have a chat,
I'm open to it. Here's my number. And then don't
continue to text and let people unmatch you. You know what,
every time there's an unmatch, you should do a touchdown
cheer because that person wasn't your person. It wasn't meant
(02:10):
to be right. But anyway, just look for commonality. Uh,
Dear doctor Wendy, I ordered a takeout order on my
boyfriend's phone from a place I introduced him to a
few weeks back. Okay, so a few weeks ago she
took him to this restaurant or introduced him to her takeout,
(02:30):
and then she used his phone to order. When I
confirmed my name, they said the name of his ex girlfriend.
He said they went there once before, but he didn't
want to tell me because I would get mad. Is
this a clear sign he's still in contact with her?
He does deny it. Well, I don't know the answer,
(02:53):
but I do know this. Do you get mad? Or
is he just really afraid of women's anger? It could
be two things, right, Are you somebody who's a hot head,
because then you know what, they're going to want to
lie to you more often because they're afraid of your anger.
Or is he somebody who's just kind of emotionally avoidant
and kind of afraid of anger in that way? I
(03:14):
don't know. So it's not a clear sign that he's
in contact with her. Oh just you know, keep your
antennas up a little bit cause you never know, right,
And it could I just don't like when people lie
even a little bit, though, like him going did he
go like, oh my god, there's new place. No, I've
never tried it before and then you find out they did. Yeah,
(03:38):
that's it. Just here's the problem. Even when people are
lying on their dating apps or a little bit about
their height or their weight or their age or whatever,
it's hard to build trust. Whenever there's been any little,
even small, white lie, it's very difficult to build trust
in a relationship. So I'm gonna say, just keep your
intennis up. That's all I'm gonna say. But he could
(04:00):
have done the white light thing and the next and
what you should say to him is, hey, I can
tolerate anything except lying. So just from now on, trust
me with the truth. Okay, Uh, moving on, Dear doctor Wendy.
I met a guy on hinge and we really connected
via text, but when we face timed, the vibe was awkward.
(04:22):
Is this a clear sign we won't work out? Or
should I still meet him in person? No? You should
not meet someone in person who you didn't click with.
It's not like, well, it's going to get better and
better and better, because that's the whole point of getting
on the phone or facetiming, so you don't have to
go on a date. Don't ghost him. Okay, you've now
(04:42):
seen each other's face. Here's the thing I say about ghosting.
You guys have to be very careful. You think Los
Angeles is a giant city until you go somebody, and
then you walk into some meeting and there he is
a new employee or a new client at your work,
and you're like, ah, you feel so awkward, right, So
all you do is compose a nice little text that
(05:04):
said it was lovely chatting with you. I kind of
don't think romances in the cards for us. I'll keep
you in mind for a friend. Thank you so much
for the introduction. It was lovely to chat. That's it, right,
But it doesn't get better if you're like, oh no,
that's awkward. You don't run and meet them in person
to see if it was. If they suddenly are less awkward,
(05:24):
I don't know. Oh, here's a tangled web that someone
has woven. Dear doctor Wendy. Oh, I have a hard
time even reading this. Dear doctor Wendy. I got pregnant
by my roommate. He says he doesn't want a relationship,
but we're pregnant and we live together. What should I do? Okay,
(05:47):
first of all, you're in a relationship, you might want
to let him know that that as soon as he
put his penis in a vagina, he has a responsibility.
Now and you're living together and having sex, but considering
yourself's a roommate, I'm going to say one word, boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries,
But this is the slippery slope that happens when heterosexual
(06:08):
men and women live together. Not every time, but you know,
you could have a weak night, little alcohol, whatever, and
before you know it, look at this. You got to
figure out what you need to do for yourself, and
that means may mean moving, it may mean terminating the pregnancy,
it may mean having the baby on your own. But
this guy's telling you very clearly he doesn't want this,
(06:29):
So don't even hope for anything. I'm sorry to be
so hard nos on this, but please don't hope. Ugh,
and especially if you think, well, don't they have the
baby and he sees how cute the baby, No, they don't.
Suddenly go now, I'm really into fatherhood. I do want
to say this. You know, evolutionary psychologists would say that
(06:51):
human beings have the widest range of paternal investment in
offspring of any primate out there, which means that at
one end, of the scale, you've got a dude whose
only investment in his kid is a teaspoon of sperm.
And at the other end of the scale, you've got
literally a baby wearing, carpool driving, softball throwing, doting dad
(07:16):
and we have everything else in between two. So to
think he's going to be that when he's telling you
very clearly he's not that. You and your baby need
to make your decision together, whatever it's going to be.
It's not a baby, you're just pregnant. Whatever you and
your zygot, whatever the cells you got there. You need
(07:37):
to make a decision for your reproductive health, for your
mental health, for your life. This is about you now,
because he's been very very clear with you. All Right,
when we come back, there's a new dating trend and
you won't believe what it is. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're
(07:57):
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Welcome back to the Doctor Anywell's Show on k I
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right,
I promised you a new dating trend. There always seems
to be one. You're not going to believe this one.
Sober dating, Yeah, it's a thing. Now. I'm not talking
(08:29):
about people in sobriety, people who have, you know, an
alcohol use disorder, who are you know, can can't ever
drink when they date. I'm talking about people who socially drink,
who may probably not have a problem with drinking, who've
decided that when they go on first dates or second
(08:49):
dates that they're just going to remove alcohol from the
whole thing and not do it. So let's talk a
little bit first about why alcohol has such a storied
place in romantic dating. What alcohol does is it can
lower anxiety in the short term by the way you're
using it frequently. It raises anxiety when it wears off,
(09:11):
that's a whole other thing. But it can reduce inhibitions, right,
I don't know. If you spend any time in London,
the English or very lock job, they're very tongue tied
until you go to one of their pubs and then
they've got that wonderful lubricant and boy they say a
lot of stuff. So it can reduce inhibitions. It can
(09:32):
make you chattier, more engaging. It even can create that
pleasurable feeling of euphoria. You know, I'm not gonna lie.
I love to pour myself a skinny, spicy margarita, and
my sweet Julio thinks it's he doesn't drink it all,
by the way, and not because he's in sourpriety. He
just doesn't like the taste of it. He's one of
those so I always have a designated driver. But anyway,
(09:54):
he loves how like it makes me just like to
have one drink. More than that, other things can happen.
So alcohol can be pretty great when you're dealing with
nerves associated with meeting a new person for the first time,
and also the worry about checking them out, anticipating could
you have a happy future together. But here's the big
(10:15):
downside of alcohol, and this is obviously the big reason
why people are doing sober dating. As soon as you
reduce inhibitions, you might make some choices that you regret later,
and of course that includes the big one, having unprotected
sex with somebody you cringe at. What's the alcohol effect
wears off? I know, it's all it's having to all
(10:37):
of us at one point or another, and we're like,
why did I do that? I think this trend of
dating sober is a great idea because it can help
you make better assessments of romantic compatibility. I mean, that's
what dating's supposed to be, right, it was designed to
be like this probation period where partners could determine if
(10:58):
someone was worth having sex with, or worth introducing them
to their family, or maybe even worth committing to in marriage.
So I think it GIFs you're like this clear head
to be able to make better decisions on date. And
also if you are that person who has a history
of making poor choices because of alcohol consumption, then yeah,
(11:21):
I mean, removing alcohol from a date can have a
very positive effect for you, especially on mental healthy You're
not crying in your pillow the next day, you're not
worried about pregnancies or an STI You're waking up with
a clear head because you might have uttered a very
platonic good night and thank you lovely time to someone
you're not interested in and you never have to see
(11:43):
again and you have no worries. So here's another thing.
I think dating sober can actually foster emotional intimacy. Now,
remember emotional intimacy is the glue. Right. If you don't
have that glue, if your relationship is based on only
the superficial, it's going to be a very tenuous relationship.
(12:05):
But when you don't have alcohol in your system and
you don't have that, you're not like this chatty, euphoric person.
You're your real, authentic self. This can be very attractive
to people, people of all genders. Right to show up
as your true self, and that might be somebody who says, hey,
I'm a little nervous about this, right, that's honest. Right,
(12:27):
you start off with intimacy from the beginning. It's one
of the reasons why I've been a huge fan of
coffee dates instead of first dates in a bar. Now,
people say, well, how do you do it? Like, how
do you like tell somebody like you're going to do
this right? Well, let me say, you don't need to
(12:47):
tell anybody anything. You can disorder your diet coque. I
mean it's a first date. What do they need to
know about? Who are what you're doing? Right, if you
have a sober, curious lifestyle, just do it. You don't
know anybody and explanation. And also if you are worried
that without alcohol you're going to have so much anxiety
(13:07):
you won't be able to get through it. Remember, there
are so many ways to naturally calm your parasympathic nervous system,
I mean your sympathetic nervous system. There are ways that
you can change your state of consciousness. You can do
it through deep breath work, meditation, even exercise. Try any
of those before you go out on a date. But again,
(13:30):
you don't have to tell anybody what you're doing. On
the other hand, if you have a kind of agenda,
like let's try the sober curious dating lifestyle, and I'm
going to message the person and say, I'm only going
to have a date with you if you'll do sober
dating with me. You know, I just want to remind
you you can't change anyone else's behavior, right. You can
(13:50):
only change your own behavior, and you can change your
reaction to their behavior. But if you've got this fantasy
that every date you have wants to try sober curious dating,
they might not be interested, and that's okay. They still
might be a good person. Right, here's what you do.
This is my opinion. If you're gonna try this sober
dating thing. Just don't date in a bar. Have a
(14:14):
morning date for breakfast, an afternoon date coffee, go for
a hike or a place where alcohol is an appropriate
yoga class, race, car driving simulators, museums and that way
there's no awkwardness, no need to discuss, just time and
place to enjoy each other sober as people normally would.
I do want to say one other thing, though, So
(14:36):
when some people see you order your die coke instead
of your drink and then you say, oh, you're just
doing some sober dating, they might immediately assume that you
have an alcohol use disorder. Remember, there are plenty of
social drinkers who may be biologically addicted to alcohol but
not psychologically addicted. So what that means is a lot
(14:56):
of people who have alcohol use disorders actually have an
under alyging mental health condition and they are self medicating
or they have unmanageable feelings that they're unable to deal with. Right.
But there are other people that are just in the
habit of drinking every day. An alcohol station in your
system for about twenty four hours and then so you know,
it's like you get a craving again. It's five o'clock
somewhere right, you get that craving again. So for those
(15:19):
people who might be biologically addicted, I would suggest learning
to drink socially two or three times a week. That
can improve your health, mental health, physical health. And if
you don't have an alcohol use disorder, you can just
explain to your date that you just like to have
a clear head during a date. Now, if anything I've
said strikes you as oh, maybe I do have an
(15:39):
alcohol use disorder, I just want to say, don't try
to quit alone. Reach out to a licensed addiction treatment
counselor or look up your local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter. Okay,
don't try to do it alone. But for you social drinkers,
if you want to be sober and a date, go
for it. Hey, when we come back, there's a trend
(16:01):
happening with some men online that's very, very disturbing. Let's
talk about it when we come back. You're listening to
The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on I AM six forty
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
The Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app all right, from sober dating
to something even more sobering. You might have heard about this. Men,
certain men, some men, probably only a small minority of
(16:40):
men are taking this electoral win of the far right
to social media in a way that is heartbreaking. Now,
there's an institute called the Institute for Strategic Dialogue CALLEDSD.
(17:01):
So they're a group of their independent, their nonprofit organizations,
and what they're all about is trying to safeguard human
rights and trying to reverse the rising tide of polarization
or extremism or disinformation worldwide. So they do a lot
of research and some of the things they say on
(17:22):
their website, well, first of all, it was brought to
my attention because people were sending me screenshots of these
things men are posting on x and even Instagram. And
we're not talking about every man. We're talking about very
small minority. But the things that they feel are okay
to say publicly now are pretty shocking. So so you
(17:45):
know that this particular election was focused a lot on
women's reproductive rights, and following Vice President Kamala Harris's loss,
there grew this online. I'm going to say it abuse, harassment, misogyny,
(18:05):
and it started really this emboldened group of men. They
call themselves online the man O Sphere, m anosp man
O Sphere, and they are influencers or people who just
have extreme ideologies and they are delighted that the Supreme
(18:27):
Court struck down Roe v. Wade. They use these platforms
to say things that are shocking. Now, this group who
does research, the ISD, observed reports of these narratives being
used to harass women online, particularly on high school and
college campuses. In fact, in just twenty four hours after
(18:50):
the election results came in, they have found a forty
six hundred increase in mentions of get ready for I'm
going to say something disgusting, but it's being tweeted all
over the internet right now, Your body my choice? Can
you imagine? Or get back in the kitchen. They're using
(19:14):
the C word a lot. They're attacking certain feminists online
and literally there's a guy named I don't even want
to say his name, but he's a white nationalist podcaster
who's a big influencer, has tons of followers. He wrote
your Body, My Choice Forever, Period and it has received
(19:39):
thirty five million views, and women on TikTok are starting
to talk about how scared they are having to delete
this kind of harassment on an every day. Now, I'm
somebody who has been in the media for decades, and
I will tell you I have been canceled many times
(20:00):
times because, as I say, sometimes when I'm doing a
slap back at somebody, I'm like, it's a tweet, it's
not a dissertation. In other words, one sentence doesn't sum
up all the thoughts that I have. Right, So apparently, well,
what I want to explain is that during the few
(20:20):
times even me, with my strong backbone and good self esteem,
has been canceled. I'm not gonna lie. It hurts. It
hurts a lot. There's research to show that emotional pain,
and especially when it's public shame, can feel the same
way on the brain as physical pain. Right, And so
(20:45):
so many young women are being harassed online with this
phrase your body, my choice, and now we're hearing that
young boys are chanting it at high schools and on
college campuses. In fact, one parent stated today my daughter
was told three separate times on campus your body my choice,
(21:09):
and a third group of boys told her you better
sleep with one eye open. Tonight. I mean, I'm shocked.
I have to tell you. So this has nothing to
do with sexual assault, but the fear that women have,
especially when they're young, about high disosterone boys and what
they could possibly do. When I was in the eighth grade,
(21:31):
the boys started this thing. Now, this was in Canada
and there was snow on the ground. We had started
to wear makeup, a little mascara, maybe a little lip
glass whatever. Eighth grade, right, we're fourteen, We're starting to
wear a little makeup. And the boys thought this was funny.
So they thought they would meet us at the gates
to the school yard before we came in to the
safety of the schoolyard and they would quote unquote wash
(21:52):
our face out with snow. Now, let me explain how
terrifying this is. Because you have big mittened hands of
boys with so much snow on your face. That's rough,
it's got ice particles in it. They're trying to mess
up your mascara to make you look ugly when you
walk onto campus. Eighth grade boys, what can I say
but the terror because it's suffocating. You got hands all
(22:14):
over your face, pushing snow in your face. So anyway,
of course, me, being an early feminist and not knowing it,
went and complained to the teacher, of the principal and everybody.
And I was the one who mostly got in trouble
that I couldn't take a joke. No, this was a
long time ago, and I think it would be treated
very differently today. But I feel like the words these
(22:34):
you know guys are using on college campuses, in high
schools and probably even middle schools. They're also calling for
the nineteenth Amendment to be repealed. That's the one that
gave women the vote. Okay, and this stuff is being retweeted, reposted,
pushed around. It's terrifying. It's terrifying now, somebody, So there
(23:02):
is some some women out there who are saying, oh no, actually,
you know the worst of the worst, right the massages.
Andrew Tate, if you haven't heard of himn't look him up, please,
he doesn't need it. And one more person to follow him.
He quoted that this is what he put on X.
I saw a woman crossing the road today, but I
just kept my foot down right of way. You no
longer have rights. That post received almost a million views
(23:26):
in two hours. So anyway, what are women doing in response.
You might be surprised to learn that women are doing
something that you might consider to be old fashioned, but
now it's considered modern. Let's talk about it when we
come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on
(23:49):
the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I
know that last segment was a downer. I'm as disturbed
by this as you are. We talk about how polarized
we've become, but really, to divide the sexes that much
(24:18):
it scares me. But you know, whenever men do something,
women find a way to retaliate. Remember this recent victory
by Donald Donald. I came to say the name Donald J.
Trump got it. He won fair and square. It was
(24:38):
driven in large part by those young male voters who
I talked about earlier, and so many people in America
felt like this whole election was really a referendum on
women's rights. I mean, think about it. Donald Trump had
(25:01):
been found liable for sexual abuse. His vice presidential candidate
called women childless cat ladies. His buddy Elon Musk talks
about anytime there's a woman who doesn't have a baby,
he'd be happy to give her a baby. He's got that.
We know of nine kids already. By the way, this
(25:22):
is very evolutionary in evolutionary psychology terms. When men are
feeling their power leaving, the one legacy they always have
is to make sure they impregnate as many women as
they can. And they do that by taking away their
rights to their bodies or their rights to control their reproduction. Right,
(25:44):
that's female power. So last week someone said to me, oh,
you know, there's this new trend in South Korea called
the four B movement be as a boy, and it
started in twenty nineteen apparently when Korean women where basically
the culture in South Korea was one where women's entire
(26:07):
value and even self identity was highly correlated with whether
they were married or not right, and so it was
all about the pursuit of a husband instead of the
pursuit of education. And so this cultural movement called the
four B movement I'll explain it in a minute, started
and as a result, Today, five years later, university registration
(26:30):
has surged. With females getting more education, they are often
delaying marriage and childbirth. So what's the four B movement?
So in it's called that because the Korean word by
means no, no this, no that, So think of every
time you hear be, think of the word no. So
(26:50):
the movement calls for no dating men, no sexual relationships
with men, atterosexual marriage, and get this, no pregnancy, no childbirth,
basically close our legs. So it seems extreme, doesn't it.
(27:13):
But after the election last week, there is now a
trend on TikTok and all social media as this four
B movement is starting to be pushed. Here listen to
this one, this particular TikToker. Explain it, ladies. I'm not
saying this to be facetious, but I don't care if
(27:34):
you're a rose girl, a wand girl, or a monster
alien tentacle girl. Stock up now for your moments of weakness,
because I promise you ain't not alive worth getting stuck
with a man.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
None.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
We are taking off the table indefinitely. I'm not sure
that women are going to achieve this, but the New
York Times did an entire article about the four B movement,
and they quoted a woman who said, and this was
the thing that struck me, This was a thing I
loved the most. Her sentence was something to the effect of,
it would have to be a very special man for
(28:11):
me to break the four bes four meaning have sex with,
or get married to, or have children with. And I thought,
oh my gosh, finally women are realizing that behaving traditionally
as men behaved sexually isn't always female freedom. In fact,
(28:31):
I've always said, adopting a male model of anything is
not female freedom. Female's power is respecting their body, respecting
their very intelligent biology that often, because we emit so
much oxytocin during sex and orgasm, often falls in love
(28:52):
with a loser when we didn't even mean to. Or
those girls who say, oh, I love the hookup culture.
It's so great. You know how many are actually crying
in a therapist's office the next day. So, and it's
not to say that this is a moral question. This
is not to say that there aren't women out there
who can and should and let's all be sex positive, enjoy, enjoy,
(29:14):
and enjoy. But look where it got us here. We
are with men saying these things online and women going whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa whoa. Wait a minute, maybe I do have some
power here. So anyway, google it the four B movement.
If you're a young woman, maybe you want to join
(29:35):
the movement for a while and see what it is
to have true female power, because that is ultimately female power.
I that brings our show to a wrap up here,
but I want to say it is for more than
a decade, I have continued to disseminate explain all the
(29:55):
latest research on the science of love, and as various
trends are, I try to explore them in the most
fair way, interjecting my opinions sometimes because I'm a human
being and I'm a radio talk show host. But stay
with me because I want to continue to follow these
(30:15):
particular trends because something is happening in America. There's a
new battle of the sexes going on, and let's see
what happens as a result of it. I'm always here
for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm. You've
been listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app you've
(30:41):
been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear
us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
iHeartRadio app
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