Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. PLUS we are talking about the Bold of Beauty Project at UCLA promoting beauty of people with disabilities with Dr. Eva Ritvo. It's all on KFIAM-640!!!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. On this Mother's Day, I am taking
your relationship questions by a instant message direct message on Instagram.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
There we go.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Just send a question to at Dr Wendy Walsh at
doctor Wendy Walsh. If I don't get to it this week,
Caleb will collect them during the week and I'll read
it next week. All right, here we go, Dear doctor Wendy. Oh,
this is an interesting one. Should I take it personally
that my girlfriend won't kiss me with tongue? Ever, No,
this is not about you. It is about her, her
(00:45):
preference and her learned behavior.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
The only thing I.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Would say is that it's time for you to have
a discussion, not a why don't you kiss me with
your tongue discussion?
Speaker 2 (00:57):
How about I'm really attracted to you.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
I love kissing you, but I actually like kisses that
are a little more wet, and I like to have
more of an open mouth or with tongue. I'm wondering
how you feel about that. That's how you do it.
That's how you do it. You express your needs in
a loving way. Don't take it personally. Get more information,
(01:23):
all right?
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Moving on?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Ooh, dear doctor Wendy, I am hurt. I have a
really close friend who has cut me out of her life. Oh,
that's happened to me before. I connected with a guy
and when I told her about him, she got weird
and stopped talking to me. I found out that they
had hooked up before, but I had no idea. Should
(01:46):
I talk to her about it or respect that she
doesn't want me in her life anymore. Okay, I'm a
big believer in the truth. Now here's the problem. If
her conflict style, or her style of dealing with painful
feelings is to push them out of her life, you're
going to have a heck of a time trying to
(02:08):
get her to the table to talk about this. However,
you have a right to express your feelings because she
can't control you. She can't control your feelings. She can
control herself. Now, there are ways we can communicate with
people without getting them on the phone or face to face,
whether it's an email, whether it's a text, whether you
write a letter with a pen and paper and put
(02:30):
an envelope and mail it to her, you have every
right to say something like, Hey, your friendship is very
important to me. I feel so sad and hurt that
you're not talking to me anymore. I wish i'd known
before I met whatever his name is, that you and
he had a thing in the past. I didn't know
(02:50):
that this would hurt you, or that you would feel uncomfortable,
And the last thing I would ever want to do
is hurt you. I'm wondering if we can talk about
this together sometime, because you are very important to me.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
That's how you do it.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
And if she doesn't respond, it's not your fault. You
were able to express your feelings and she didn't have
the emotional intelligence to be able to communicate back to you.
Now it's on her and you can just go on
with your life. Uh Okay, moving on, Dear doctor, Wendy,
(03:26):
the guy who I am dating has a roaming eye. Woo,
it's offensive. We aren't together. We aren't together. Well, if
you're dating him, I'm confused. I want to say something,
but I don't want to speak like I'm his girlfriend
when I'm not. Oh oh, oh, I get what's happening here.
The guy you're dating is your situationship. So, because this
(03:47):
relationship is fragile, because this relationship is vulnerable, you're particularly
sensitive to the fact that his eyes wander around the
room checking out other beautiful women, And then you say
we aren't actually together. I want to say something, but
how can I speak like his girlfriend when I'm not
his girlfriend? So you have a twofold problem here. The
(04:09):
first problem is you want some kind of definition for
this relationship because it is too fragile, and you don't
have a voice in a relationship that's fragile. So the
first conversation shouldn't be about his roaming eye. It should
be the what are we conversation and not just the what.
It should be the this is what I'd like? Are
(04:29):
you able to be that to me? And if he isn't,
then you need to walk away because you're killing yourself.
It's painful being in this fragile, vulnerable relationship that has
no definition because you're right, you're sitting there squelching your voice,
you're dimming your light, You're unable to speak your truth
(04:50):
because you're so afraid he's going to abandon you, so
you know what face up to it. And if he says, nah,
I don't want to really be an exclusive, then you
know and you need to leave. That's what I'm saying,
you need to leave. I say this to people all
the time. If your fear of abandonment is bigger than
(05:10):
your fear of getting your needs met, your needs will
never be met, never ever, ever, because you will acquiesce
to anybody. Because of that, you can do this. Be strong,
all right? I think we have time for one more.
Dear doctor Wendy. How red is the flag? My bipink
flag ORANGEE? I don't know how red is the flag.
(05:32):
If a guy won't meet me at the door when
I come over, he just buzzes me up. I'm scared
walking from my car to his front door, so buzzes
me up. Sounds like he lives in an apartment building.
Sounds like you park on the street, sounds like you're
going over there late at night.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Have you had this conversation?
Speaker 1 (05:55):
I love it how people have these expectations and they think, well,
I'm just going to judge them because it's a red
flag because he doesn't come down. How about the dude
doesn't know they're not Most of them aren't brain surgeons.
Just the ones that work at the hospital. They're brain surgeons.
The rest of them are not okay, and they need
an owner's manual. No, they don't own you. They didn't
operating manual. You need to say, Hey, you know, I'm
(06:18):
a little scared at night when I'm walking from my
car to your front door. Would it be okay if
when I got near I called you and you came
down to meet me and see what he says. And
if he cannot offer you that care? Why are you there?
Speaker 2 (06:31):
That's all say? Why are you there?
Speaker 3 (06:36):
All?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Right?
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Oh I do have time for one more quickie? Here
we go, Dear doctor Wendy. How do you make yourself
feel better after you have sex with someone who never
deserved you?
Speaker 3 (06:43):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Lord, hate it when I break my own boundary, I
feel I betrayed myself. Okay, I'm going to pull you
off the guild train. Everybody does that at some point.
They think they're lonely, they're tired, they're drunk, and they
end up getting with an X or a situationship and
they didn't want to and they feel totally bad the
next day. You know what feelings and emotions are messengers.
(07:06):
I don't want you to beat yourself up, but I
want you to pay attention to the message. And the
message is I don't like this feeling. And next time,
I'm going to do the things that I need to do.
I won't be tired, I won't be drunk, I won't
be near and whatever. To prevent this from happening again. Obviously,
I need to do more things so I can erect
the boundary to myself. Right, that's all you need to do.
I'm sorry it happened to you.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Baby, I hurt. It's like crazy.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
I know I have been there, all right. I have
a special guest when we come back. You are listening
to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome back to the.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
We spent a lot of time on.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
The show talking about motherhood, all the various complication complic
complicated emotions, the feelings that people have around something that
you know.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I've said it.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
It's kind of a hallmark holiday, but it's a time
for us to really talk about motherhood and everything it
has entails. And I always say, you know, mothers can't win.
You know, whether you do the right thing or don't
do the right thing, you get blamed for everything. My
next guest is not only a psychiatrist, but a mother
of two and one of her daughters was born with disabilities.
(08:28):
I'd like to welcome doctor Eva Ritfo to the show. Hi,
doctor Eva, how are you Hi?
Speaker 3 (08:34):
It's wonderful to hear your voice, especially on Mother's.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Day exactly now.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
I know when one is about to become a mother
and they're full of expectations, and then something happens and
their baby may not be this perfect child or I
know you'd argue with me about what is perfection, but
a child that might have physical or mental disabilities. Can
(08:58):
you share us a little bit about what happened to you?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
It was your firstborn, right, yes, it was my firstborn,
my daughter. I was finishing my psychiatry residency and she
was born and we thought everything was great, and then
we moved down to Florida, where I was starting a
job on the faculty at University of Miami. And in
the couple weeks of transitioning, my sister, who was training
(09:24):
as a pediatrician, came down to visit and she's I
said to my sister, oh, well, we can already tell
she's going to be right handed because she hasn't used
her left hand as much. And my sister was smart
enough to be like, what, that doesn't make any sense.
This goes back a long way, so you weren't just
looking everything up on the internet, right, So we called her.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
And this baby was only two weeks old at this point,
your daughter.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
No, she was six months.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Six months?
Speaker 3 (09:47):
She was six months. Yeah, she was six months. So
we had a beautiful, uneventful six months minus the colic,
which you know lots of people have that. That wasn't
much fun, but we got through the collic. Turned out
she was allergic to breast milk. Go figure, so well, hey,
we took it took a while to sort that through,
so you know, it was definitely not a very easy start,
(10:11):
but we got through that. We moved down to Miami.
My sister made the comment I didn't even have a
doctor down here. So found a pediatrician, went in and
I got to tell you, Wendy. Even though it was
thirty plus years ago, I remembered the phone call like
it was yestvay and I stick to my stomach thinking
about it. He was terribly rude, told us you know
(10:34):
his name, and said, you know, well, your daughter has
a hole in her brain and he's never going to
be normal. And we ran what because we just thought
she wasn't loving her left hand as much. So it
was over the phone. It was really, honestly a horrible moment.
I didn't know a soul in Miami. I was about
to start in the first job in my life, twenty
(10:55):
nine years old. Horrible, and then things went down hill
from there. We found out she had a form of
cerebral policy called Hanny paris Is, where she couldn't use
her left side. But that was okay, you know, she
was still a bright, beautiful, easy going, fun child. So
we got her into therapies and everything was sort of
(11:18):
you know, coming back together, started my job, et cetera.
And then at two and a half, she had a seizure.
We were all at home and we saw it and
I knew what it was immediately. We raced to the hospital.
They kept her overnight, and then we had a really
bad two and a half years, really really bad. When
(11:38):
she would have seizures, they wouldn't stop, so we would
have to call the paramedics. They would come, they would
give her ivy rectalie to get the seizure to stop,
and then they'd have to transport her to the hospital.
So we weren't allowed to go, you know, too far
away from a hospital. So no traveling back to see
my family, which was in Los Angeles, no traveling back
(11:59):
to see my friends that were in New York, no
going really very far at all. I would go to work,
but that was about five minutes away from the house,
and sure enough, I remember sitting with a patient once
and getting that phone call and just saying, in the
middle of a session with a patient, I'm sorry, I
have to go. He was like dumbfounded, and I'm like,
I way plain later, I've got to get out of
here fast.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
So as I worked at the hospital.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
You know, there is a wonderful ending to the story.
I want to save it for a few minutes from now,
but I want to talk about the feelings and emotions.
You didn't plan to have a child with disabilities. I'm
sure mothers blame themselves for everything. Did you have to
handle guilt? And what happened was her stress on your
marriage because of this talk about what happens to a
(12:43):
family when this happens.
Speaker 3 (12:44):
Well, we went downhill from the seizures. And at five
she had to have surgery brain surgery to move the
portion of her brain that was starting the seizures. And
that's when things really got bad. And then she had
a complation following the surgery, had a second emergency surgery,
near death episode. I mean, as bad as it gets, Wendy,
(13:07):
as bad as we get. So that's when the guilt started.
I think the marriage was strained, you know, I don't
know if we want to say at a breaking point then,
but certainly we did go on to divorce. Yeah, it
was pretty bad.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Well there was a silver lining. First of all, you
went on to have another daughter, and yeah, how many
years between your daughters.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
Four and a half, So it was right before the
really really bad part that the other daughter was born
was a miracle. She was born. Let's just say we
weren't exactly trying and she came to the world. That
was also a very rough pregnancy because she was very small,
so they thought, oh gosh, you know, another set of complications.
(13:52):
But miracle, she was fine and has been fine, and
it's thriving and it's really been a pillar of strength
our family. When she was born, we jokingly called her
Paxel because she lifted everybody's mood up. And the poor
kid is now becoming a psychotherapustiness because she's got to
lift the whole world's mood up.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
But I do want to say, you know before we
go to a break, that your oldest daughter, Joy lives
independently now and yes, recently, what did she experience.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
Well, the funny thing is, right, the last time she
was on your show, you proposed to Julio. Right, she
was on and then she hung up and the next
thing you know, you're proposing to Julio. We're all completely shocked. Well,
Joy has gone on to be a miracle. She's done
so much therapy. You name a therapy, We've done it.
I can give you feedback if any mother's out there
want to know what works and what doesn't work, because
(14:48):
a lot of people will sell you things that don't work,
but a lot of things all.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
She's a very smart young woman and went on a
dating app and found herself a husband and that's it.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
And you dad said her wedding literally Julio, and you
were not a married woman. Then it was a very
very happy ending. So to your mother's out there, I say,
take a deep breath. Patience and time is a wonderful healer.
And today I just spent a glorious day just my
daughter Joy. By the way, her birth name was Marissa,
but she chose to go by her middle name, which
(15:21):
is Joy, which is very appropriate, and she leads a
very joyful life. I got to spend the whole day
with her because her very sweet, nurturing husband is actually
up with his grandmother, which was very dear because he
had lost his mother during his childhood. So are you really
ready to bring you back?
Speaker 1 (15:41):
I want to talk about this silver lining that through
your relationship with a daughter with disabilities, you found it.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
The most amazing.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
I hate to call it charity because it's really about
an educational expose and art, and we're going to talk
about that when we come back. My guest is doctor
Eva Foe, a psychiatrist from Miami. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendywell Show on KFI AM six forty Live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (16:09):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Welcome back to the home stretch of the Dr Wendywell
Show on KFI AM six forty. My guest doctor Ivo Rittfo,
a psychiatrist on Miami, and Happy Mother's Day to you,
Doctor Ritfoe. We've been talking about the shock and when
an unexpected baby is born with disabilities, and you've done
an amazing job raising your beautiful daughter Joy. But out
(16:40):
of this came some beauty. Can you talk about the
Old Beauty Project and what is it?
Speaker 3 (16:47):
First of all, thank you, Wendy, and I love to
talk about the Bold Duty Project. So as we just shared,
we had some very dark years, but we emerged out
of that and one of the ways that we emerged
out of them was through this non profit we're called
the Bold Beauty Project. We were formed in twenty and
(17:07):
fifteen where the brainschild of a social worker named Shelly
Baher and her idea was to take women with disabilities.
Pair of the wind photographers we use all volunteer photographers,
have them get together, have a very special photo shoot experience,
and then we take one image from each pair, and
then we exhibit them together along with a brief narrative
(17:29):
of the woman with the disability and the narrative of
our volunteer photographer. So my daughter Joy got to be
a model very early on. And the fortuitous part was
if anybody listening those Robert Zuckerman, Robert was a very
famous photographer shooting all the behind the scenes movies in Hollywood,
(17:51):
the stills for the movie posters. He became disabled, he
did not find the Hollywood community welcoming. He left, came
back to Miami, which is where we met him, and
he was used to shooting all the celebrities. And I
was a Tiger mom before that was a word, and
I asked him if he would photograph my daughter, and
he said yes, and he came over to our house.
(18:13):
We called a love feth day, and he took the
most beautiful picture of her, which has now been shown
in countless art fairs and is on all of our branding.
And she started calling him Pops, and he just really
inspires everybody. Sadly, he did pass away during COVID in
twenty twenty two, so we miss him dearly. But the
project goes on. So like I said, we started in
(18:35):
twenty fifteen in Washington, d C. We did our next
show twenty sixteen in Miami. We've exhibited in multiple cities
now throughout the country, Texas, New York, we did Los
Angeles last year, Philadelphia, and due to the pandemic, we
made a pivot and we're now on college canvases because
we didn't want to expose any women during COVID too,
(18:58):
you know the risk. We went to college campises because
they were already out and about and getting exposed.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
So the big news is the Bold Beauty Project will
be exhibiting for the very first time at UCLA next Sunday,
May eighteenth, from three to five pm. Now, for those
who love art, who love beauty, who love fashion, this
is a photography exhibition you do not want to miss.
(19:28):
And the whole goal of the Bold Beauty Project, as
I understand it is to change the image of disability.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Is that correct, doctor Eva?
Speaker 3 (19:37):
Absolutely, we have so many beautiful women who have disabilities.
Joy likes to call them women with different abilities, because
if one thing is taken away from you. You know
how it goes you strengthen in other areas. So our
models are really inspiring, resilient, beautiful women and they get
to depict how they like to be seen. And so
(19:58):
it's an opportunity to see all sorts of different images
and come and meet the models themselves, talk to them,
and meet the photographers who, like I said, have volunteered
their time, which is so heartwarming and beautiful. So we
have a very interesting show coming up on campus. It's free.
The more that's the big more we're celebrating.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Yeah, I do want to say people do need to
get tickets and you can go to the KFI AM
six forty website. We will put a link to where
you can get tickets, but you can also just go
to Bold Beauty Project dot com to get more information.
So it's next Sunday, May eighteenth, at three pm at UCLA.
I will be there, Doctor Eva will be there, the
models will be there. If you are interested in photography
(20:42):
in glamour and makeup and fashion, or just because you
want to support this amazing charity, this nonprofit, the Bold
Beauty Project, we'd love to see you out.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
There, Doctor Eva.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Any parting words for parents who may be dealing with
a child with disability.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
Self care. You know, it is very challenging. Parenting is
very challenging, particularly in this age that we live in.
And if you add on top of that disabilities and
special needs and therapy sessions and the fear of the unknown,
it's a difficult road. And so I think it's really
important not to neglect yourself. And remember, you know, you've
(21:25):
got to put that oxygen mask on yourself first. So
any mothers that are listening today, please take care of yourself.
Make sure that you're sleeping, make sure you're eating, make
sure you're exercising. Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint,
so we have to be in our top shape. And
Joy is a wonderful example of how when we work
(21:45):
hard and we're patient and we persevere, amazing things can happen.
And as you mentioned, she has a beautiful, doting, loving husband.
She lives independently, and she's been really proud of everything
she's done with the Bold Beauty Project. And we hope
that everyone will check us out and if they can't
come on campus, we get it. There's a lot of traffic,
so you could go on our website you could look
(22:06):
at the past shows and you could see inspiring women there.
I can tell you one last thing, Wendy, which is
for myself. I know that I have had a more
fulfilling life because I have a child with extra needs.
It has helped me to develop into a more patient, kind,
loving person. And believe me, I don't sweat the small stuff,
(22:27):
and after we've been through life and death experiences with
your five year old, it's.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
All small stuff exactly.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Thank you so much for being with us, and hopefully
to those listeners, we'll see you next week at the
Bold Beauty Project at UCLA. Doctor Eva Ritvo, psychiatrist from Miami,
and that brings the Doctor Wendy Wall's show to a close.
You know, I'm always here for you every Sunday from
seven to nine pm. You can also follow me on
my social media and the handle everywhere is at doctor
(22:55):
Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
But I'm always here for you. On KFI.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
KFI Am six forty Live Everywhere.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
On the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear US live on KFI Am six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday, and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. On this Mother's Day, I am taking
your relationship questions by a instant message direct message on Instagram.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
There we go.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Just send a question to at Dr Wendy Walsh at
doctor Wendy Walsh. If I don't get to it this week,
Caleb will collect them during the week and I'll read
it next week. All right, here we go, Dear doctor Wendy. Oh,
this is an interesting one. Should I take it personally
that my girlfriend won't kiss me with tongue? Ever, No,
this is not about you. It is about her, her
(00:45):
preference and her learned behavior.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
The only thing I.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Would say is that it's time for you to have
a discussion, not a why don't you kiss me with
your tongue discussion?
Speaker 2 (00:57):
How about I'm really attracted to you.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
I love kissing you, but I actually like kisses that
are a little more wet, and I like to have
more of an open mouth or with tongue. I'm wondering
how you feel about that. That's how you do it.
That's how you do it. You express your needs in
a loving way. Don't take it personally. Get more information,
(01:23):
all right?
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Moving on?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Ooh, dear doctor Wendy, I am hurt. I have a
really close friend who has cut me out of her life. Oh,
that's happened to me before. I connected with a guy
and when I told her about him, she got weird
and stopped talking to me. I found out that they
had hooked up before, but I had no idea. Should
(01:46):
I talk to her about it or respect that she
doesn't want me in her life anymore. Okay, I'm a
big believer in the truth. Now here's the problem. If
her conflict style, or her style of dealing with painful
feelings is to push them out of her life, you're
going to have a heck of a time trying to
(02:08):
get her to the table to talk about this. However,
you have a right to express your feelings because she
can't control you. She can't control your feelings. She can
control herself. Now, there are ways we can communicate with
people without getting them on the phone or face to face,
whether it's an email, whether it's a text, whether you
write a letter with a pen and paper and put
(02:30):
an envelope and mail it to her, you have every
right to say something like, Hey, your friendship is very
important to me. I feel so sad and hurt that
you're not talking to me anymore. I wish i'd known
before I met whatever his name is, that you and
he had a thing in the past. I didn't know
(02:50):
that this would hurt you, or that you would feel uncomfortable,
And the last thing I would ever want to do
is hurt you. I'm wondering if we can talk about
this together sometime, because you are very important to me.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
That's how you do it.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
And if she doesn't respond, it's not your fault. You
were able to express your feelings and she didn't have
the emotional intelligence to be able to communicate back to you.
Now it's on her and you can just go on
with your life. Uh Okay, moving on, Dear doctor, Wendy,
(03:26):
the guy who I am dating has a roaming eye. Woo,
it's offensive. We aren't together. We aren't together. Well, if
you're dating him, I'm confused. I want to say something,
but I don't want to speak like I'm his girlfriend
when I'm not. Oh oh, oh, I get what's happening here.
The guy you're dating is your situationship. So, because this
(03:47):
relationship is fragile, because this relationship is vulnerable, you're particularly
sensitive to the fact that his eyes wander around the
room checking out other beautiful women, And then you say
we aren't actually together. I want to say something, but
how can I speak like his girlfriend when I'm not
his girlfriend? So you have a twofold problem here. The
(04:09):
first problem is you want some kind of definition for
this relationship because it is too fragile, and you don't
have a voice in a relationship that's fragile. So the
first conversation shouldn't be about his roaming eye. It should
be the what are we conversation and not just the what.
It should be the this is what I'd like? Are
(04:29):
you able to be that to me? And if he isn't,
then you need to walk away because you're killing yourself.
It's painful being in this fragile, vulnerable relationship that has
no definition because you're right, you're sitting there squelching your voice,
you're dimming your light, You're unable to speak your truth
(04:50):
because you're so afraid he's going to abandon you, so
you know what face up to it. And if he says, nah,
I don't want to really be an exclusive, then you
know and you need to leave. That's what I'm saying,
you need to leave. I say this to people all
the time. If your fear of abandonment is bigger than
(05:10):
your fear of getting your needs met, your needs will
never be met, never ever, ever, because you will acquiesce
to anybody. Because of that, you can do this. Be strong,
all right? I think we have time for one more.
Dear doctor Wendy. How red is the flag? My bipink
flag ORANGEE? I don't know how red is the flag.
(05:32):
If a guy won't meet me at the door when
I come over, he just buzzes me up. I'm scared
walking from my car to his front door, so buzzes
me up. Sounds like he lives in an apartment building.
Sounds like you park on the street, sounds like you're
going over there late at night.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Have you had this conversation?
Speaker 1 (05:55):
I love it how people have these expectations and they think, well,
I'm just going to judge them because it's a red
flag because he doesn't come down. How about the dude
doesn't know they're not Most of them aren't brain surgeons.
Just the ones that work at the hospital. They're brain surgeons.
The rest of them are not okay, and they need
an owner's manual. No, they don't own you. They didn't
operating manual. You need to say, Hey, you know, I'm
(06:18):
a little scared at night when I'm walking from my
car to your front door. Would it be okay if
when I got near I called you and you came
down to meet me and see what he says. And
if he cannot offer you that care? Why are you there?
Speaker 2 (06:31):
That's all say? Why are you there?
Speaker 3 (06:36):
All?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Right?
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Oh I do have time for one more quickie? Here
we go, Dear doctor Wendy. How do you make yourself
feel better after you have sex with someone who never
deserved you?
Speaker 3 (06:43):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Lord, hate it when I break my own boundary, I
feel I betrayed myself. Okay, I'm going to pull you
off the guild train. Everybody does that at some point.
They think they're lonely, they're tired, they're drunk, and they
end up getting with an X or a situationship and
they didn't want to and they feel totally bad the
next day. You know what feelings and emotions are messengers.
(07:06):
I don't want you to beat yourself up, but I
want you to pay attention to the message. And the
message is I don't like this feeling. And next time,
I'm going to do the things that I need to do.
I won't be tired, I won't be drunk, I won't
be near and whatever. To prevent this from happening again. Obviously,
I need to do more things so I can erect
the boundary to myself. Right, that's all you need to do.
I'm sorry it happened to you.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Baby, I hurt. It's like crazy.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
I know I have been there, all right. I have
a special guest when we come back. You are listening
to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome back to the.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
We spent a lot of time on.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
The show talking about motherhood, all the various complication complic
complicated emotions, the feelings that people have around something that
you know.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I've said it.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
It's kind of a hallmark holiday, but it's a time
for us to really talk about motherhood and everything it
has entails. And I always say, you know, mothers can't win.
You know, whether you do the right thing or don't
do the right thing, you get blamed for everything. My
next guest is not only a psychiatrist, but a mother
of two and one of her daughters was born with disabilities.
(08:28):
I'd like to welcome doctor Eva Ritfo to the show. Hi,
doctor Eva, how are you Hi?
Speaker 3 (08:34):
It's wonderful to hear your voice, especially on Mother's.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Day exactly now.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
I know when one is about to become a mother
and they're full of expectations, and then something happens and
their baby may not be this perfect child or I
know you'd argue with me about what is perfection, but
a child that might have physical or mental disabilities. Can
(08:58):
you share us a little bit about what happened to you?
Speaker 3 (09:01):
It was your firstborn, right, yes, it was my firstborn,
my daughter. I was finishing my psychiatry residency and she
was born and we thought everything was great, and then
we moved down to Florida, where I was starting a
job on the faculty at University of Miami. And in
the couple weeks of transitioning, my sister, who was training
(09:24):
as a pediatrician, came down to visit and she's I
said to my sister, oh, well, we can already tell
she's going to be right handed because she hasn't used
her left hand as much. And my sister was smart
enough to be like, what, that doesn't make any sense.
This goes back a long way, so you weren't just
looking everything up on the internet, right, So we called her.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
And this baby was only two weeks old at this point,
your daughter.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
No, she was six months.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Six months?
Speaker 3 (09:47):
She was six months. Yeah, she was six months. So
we had a beautiful, uneventful six months minus the colic,
which you know lots of people have that. That wasn't
much fun, but we got through the collic. Turned out
she was allergic to breast milk. Go figure, so well, hey,
we took it took a while to sort that through,
so you know, it was definitely not a very easy start,
(10:11):
but we got through that. We moved down to Miami.
My sister made the comment I didn't even have a
doctor down here. So found a pediatrician, went in and
I got to tell you, Wendy. Even though it was
thirty plus years ago, I remembered the phone call like
it was yestvay and I stick to my stomach thinking
about it. He was terribly rude, told us you know
(10:34):
his name, and said, you know, well, your daughter has
a hole in her brain and he's never going to
be normal. And we ran what because we just thought
she wasn't loving her left hand as much. So it
was over the phone. It was really, honestly a horrible moment.
I didn't know a soul in Miami. I was about
to start in the first job in my life, twenty
(10:55):
nine years old. Horrible, and then things went down hill
from there. We found out she had a form of
cerebral policy called Hanny paris Is, where she couldn't use
her left side. But that was okay, you know, she
was still a bright, beautiful, easy going, fun child. So
we got her into therapies and everything was sort of
(11:18):
you know, coming back together, started my job, et cetera.
And then at two and a half, she had a seizure.
We were all at home and we saw it and
I knew what it was immediately. We raced to the hospital.
They kept her overnight, and then we had a really
bad two and a half years, really really bad. When
(11:38):
she would have seizures, they wouldn't stop, so we would
have to call the paramedics. They would come, they would
give her ivy rectalie to get the seizure to stop,
and then they'd have to transport her to the hospital.
So we weren't allowed to go, you know, too far
away from a hospital. So no traveling back to see
my family, which was in Los Angeles, no traveling back
(11:59):
to see my friends that were in New York, no
going really very far at all. I would go to work,
but that was about five minutes away from the house,
and sure enough, I remember sitting with a patient once
and getting that phone call and just saying, in the
middle of a session with a patient, I'm sorry, I
have to go. He was like dumbfounded, and I'm like,
I way plain later, I've got to get out of
here fast.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
So as I worked at the hospital.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
You know, there is a wonderful ending to the story.
I want to save it for a few minutes from now,
but I want to talk about the feelings and emotions.
You didn't plan to have a child with disabilities. I'm
sure mothers blame themselves for everything. Did you have to
handle guilt? And what happened was her stress on your
marriage because of this talk about what happens to a
(12:43):
family when this happens.
Speaker 3 (12:44):
Well, we went downhill from the seizures. And at five
she had to have surgery brain surgery to move the
portion of her brain that was starting the seizures. And
that's when things really got bad. And then she had
a complation following the surgery, had a second emergency surgery,
near death episode. I mean, as bad as it gets, Wendy,
(13:07):
as bad as we get. So that's when the guilt started.
I think the marriage was strained, you know, I don't
know if we want to say at a breaking point then,
but certainly we did go on to divorce. Yeah, it
was pretty bad.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Well there was a silver lining. First of all, you
went on to have another daughter, and yeah, how many
years between your daughters.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
Four and a half, So it was right before the
really really bad part that the other daughter was born
was a miracle. She was born. Let's just say we
weren't exactly trying and she came to the world. That
was also a very rough pregnancy because she was very small,
so they thought, oh gosh, you know, another set of complications.
(13:52):
But miracle, she was fine and has been fine, and
it's thriving and it's really been a pillar of strength
our family. When she was born, we jokingly called her
Paxel because she lifted everybody's mood up. And the poor
kid is now becoming a psychotherapustiness because she's got to
lift the whole world's mood up.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
But I do want to say, you know before we
go to a break, that your oldest daughter, Joy lives
independently now and yes, recently, what did she experience.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
Well, the funny thing is, right, the last time she
was on your show, you proposed to Julio. Right, she
was on and then she hung up and the next
thing you know, you're proposing to Julio. We're all completely shocked. Well,
Joy has gone on to be a miracle. She's done
so much therapy. You name a therapy, We've done it.
I can give you feedback if any mother's out there
want to know what works and what doesn't work, because
(14:48):
a lot of people will sell you things that don't work,
but a lot of things all.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
She's a very smart young woman and went on a
dating app and found herself a husband and that's it.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
And you dad said her wedding literally Julio, and you
were not a married woman. Then it was a very
very happy ending. So to your mother's out there, I say,
take a deep breath. Patience and time is a wonderful healer.
And today I just spent a glorious day just my
daughter Joy. By the way, her birth name was Marissa,
but she chose to go by her middle name, which
(15:21):
is Joy, which is very appropriate, and she leads a
very joyful life. I got to spend the whole day
with her because her very sweet, nurturing husband is actually
up with his grandmother, which was very dear because he
had lost his mother during his childhood. So are you really
ready to bring you back?
Speaker 1 (15:41):
I want to talk about this silver lining that through
your relationship with a daughter with disabilities, you found it.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
The most amazing.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
I hate to call it charity because it's really about
an educational expose and art, and we're going to talk
about that when we come back. My guest is doctor
Eva Foe, a psychiatrist from Miami. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendywell Show on KFI AM six forty Live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 4 (16:09):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Welcome back to the home stretch of the Dr Wendywell
Show on KFI AM six forty. My guest doctor Ivo Rittfo,
a psychiatrist on Miami, and Happy Mother's Day to you,
Doctor Ritfoe. We've been talking about the shock and when
an unexpected baby is born with disabilities, and you've done
an amazing job raising your beautiful daughter Joy. But out
(16:40):
of this came some beauty. Can you talk about the
Old Beauty Project and what is it?
Speaker 3 (16:47):
First of all, thank you, Wendy, and I love to
talk about the Bold Duty Project. So as we just shared,
we had some very dark years, but we emerged out
of that and one of the ways that we emerged
out of them was through this non profit we're called
the Bold Beauty Project. We were formed in twenty and
(17:07):
fifteen where the brainschild of a social worker named Shelly
Baher and her idea was to take women with disabilities.
Pair of the wind photographers we use all volunteer photographers,
have them get together, have a very special photo shoot experience,
and then we take one image from each pair, and
then we exhibit them together along with a brief narrative
(17:29):
of the woman with the disability and the narrative of
our volunteer photographer. So my daughter Joy got to be
a model very early on. And the fortuitous part was
if anybody listening those Robert Zuckerman, Robert was a very
famous photographer shooting all the behind the scenes movies in Hollywood,
(17:51):
the stills for the movie posters. He became disabled, he
did not find the Hollywood community welcoming. He left, came
back to Miami, which is where we met him, and
he was used to shooting all the celebrities. And I
was a Tiger mom before that was a word, and
I asked him if he would photograph my daughter, and
he said yes, and he came over to our house.
(18:13):
We called a love feth day, and he took the
most beautiful picture of her, which has now been shown
in countless art fairs and is on all of our branding.
And she started calling him Pops, and he just really
inspires everybody. Sadly, he did pass away during COVID in
twenty twenty two, so we miss him dearly. But the
project goes on. So like I said, we started in
(18:35):
twenty fifteen in Washington, d C. We did our next
show twenty sixteen in Miami. We've exhibited in multiple cities
now throughout the country, Texas, New York, we did Los
Angeles last year, Philadelphia, and due to the pandemic, we
made a pivot and we're now on college canvases because
we didn't want to expose any women during COVID too,
(18:58):
you know the risk. We went to college campises because
they were already out and about and getting exposed.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
So the big news is the Bold Beauty Project will
be exhibiting for the very first time at UCLA next Sunday,
May eighteenth, from three to five pm. Now, for those
who love art, who love beauty, who love fashion, this
is a photography exhibition you do not want to miss.
(19:28):
And the whole goal of the Bold Beauty Project, as
I understand it is to change the image of disability.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Is that correct, doctor Eva?
Speaker 3 (19:37):
Absolutely, we have so many beautiful women who have disabilities.
Joy likes to call them women with different abilities, because
if one thing is taken away from you. You know
how it goes you strengthen in other areas. So our
models are really inspiring, resilient, beautiful women and they get
to depict how they like to be seen. And so
(19:58):
it's an opportunity to see all sorts of different images
and come and meet the models themselves, talk to them,
and meet the photographers who, like I said, have volunteered
their time, which is so heartwarming and beautiful. So we
have a very interesting show coming up on campus. It's free.
The more that's the big more we're celebrating.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Yeah, I do want to say people do need to
get tickets and you can go to the KFI AM
six forty website. We will put a link to where
you can get tickets, but you can also just go
to Bold Beauty Project dot com to get more information.
So it's next Sunday, May eighteenth, at three pm at UCLA.
I will be there, Doctor Eva will be there, the
models will be there. If you are interested in photography
(20:42):
in glamour and makeup and fashion, or just because you
want to support this amazing charity, this nonprofit, the Bold
Beauty Project, we'd love to see you out.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
There, Doctor Eva.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Any parting words for parents who may be dealing with
a child with disability.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
Self care. You know, it is very challenging. Parenting is
very challenging, particularly in this age that we live in.
And if you add on top of that disabilities and
special needs and therapy sessions and the fear of the unknown,
it's a difficult road. And so I think it's really
important not to neglect yourself. And remember, you know, you've
(21:25):
got to put that oxygen mask on yourself first. So
any mothers that are listening today, please take care of yourself.
Make sure that you're sleeping, make sure you're eating, make
sure you're exercising. Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint,
so we have to be in our top shape. And
Joy is a wonderful example of how when we work
(21:45):
hard and we're patient and we persevere, amazing things can happen.
And as you mentioned, she has a beautiful, doting, loving husband.
She lives independently, and she's been really proud of everything
she's done with the Bold Beauty Project. And we hope
that everyone will check us out and if they can't
come on campus, we get it. There's a lot of traffic,
so you could go on our website you could look
(22:06):
at the past shows and you could see inspiring women there.
I can tell you one last thing, Wendy, which is
for myself. I know that I have had a more
fulfilling life because I have a child with extra needs.
It has helped me to develop into a more patient, kind,
loving person. And believe me, I don't sweat the small stuff,
(22:27):
and after we've been through life and death experiences with
your five year old, it's.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
All small stuff exactly.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Thank you so much for being with us, and hopefully
to those listeners, we'll see you next week at the
Bold Beauty Project at UCLA. Doctor Eva Ritvo, psychiatrist from Miami,
and that brings the Doctor Wendy Wall's show to a close.
You know, I'm always here for you every Sunday from
seven to nine pm. You can also follow me on
my social media and the handle everywhere is at doctor
(22:55):
Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
But I'm always here for you. On KFI.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
KFI Am six forty Live Everywhere.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
On the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear US live on KFI Am six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday, and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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