PLUS what is healthy love and we are talking to Cezary Pietrasik, an entrepreneur, investor partner, and author. Co-owner of Synerise, the leading AI company predicting human behavior. Co-founder at Carpathian Partners, a venture capital vehicle. Co-founder of Healthdom, a preventive tech health platform. Co-founder of Akademeia High School, an elite institution in Poland. Former private equity investor at Warburg Pincus, investment banker at JPMorgan and consultant at McKinsey. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on AM six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. I am going to dig into the dms
on Instagram now because so many people have sent me
so many relationship questions this week. Thank you very much.
(00:22):
If you want to send me any questions, you just
go to at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram send me
a DM. I will always keep your identity private, all right,
Dear doctor Wendy. Is it a red flag if my
boyfriend still talks to his ex every day?
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Well, let's talk about what a red flag is. A
red flag, in my opinion, means that you're seeing that
somebody probably doesn't have the ability to have an emotionally intimate, committed,
secure relationship with you. If he is still in an
emotional attachment with his X, and if they're talking every day,
they're still in a relationship. They may not be having sex,
(01:03):
they're still in a relationship. If he is involving you
with it, and if there's been a long time since
their breakup. Let's say it's been an ex from five
years ago, and they're just friends because they work together
or whatever, and you're invited out to dinner with them whatever.
That's different. But if he has a private communication with
this person, yes, this is a red flag. It says
(01:26):
he has split his secure base into two her and you,
So I would talk to him about it. It's okay
to set a boundary with something like that. Oh here
comes a hard one. Dear doctor Wendy, we have been
dating for five years and my boyfriend says he's still
not ready for marriage. Am I wasting my time? Well,
(01:50):
the answer is it sounds like I am gonna guess
wild guess here that you're giving him all the benefits
of marriage, so he does not need to get married,
and if he needed to get married, he would, So
you need to pull back. I don't care what it
is you're doing. Are you housekeeping for him? Are you
living with them? Are you doing the dishes? Are you
(02:12):
having sex with him? Those are wife duties, not girlfriend duties.
If you want to be married and you've expressed it,
begging for it doesn't work. You've got to pull back
on everything you're giving. And yes, if you're living together,
go get your own place. See how quickly he wants
to get married. Just saying, you don't sit around and
wait for somebody to have a state of readiness. Okay.
(02:35):
In fact, the sad thing is many women wait for
a man to have a state of readiness. Then he
hits his state of readiness and breaks up with her
and goes and finds a wife. It's the craziest thing.
Happens all the time. So don't hang in there. That's
all I'm saying my opinion. Hey, it's just my opinion.
You don't have to do whatever I say. I'm just
saying I have a lot of life experience. Dear doctor, Wendy,
(02:57):
my girlfriend gets angry when I hang out with my friend.
Is this controlling behavior? Well? I need a lot more
information here. Who are these friends? Are they all single?
Are you going to night clubs? Are there single women?
Speaker 3 (03:09):
There?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Is there alcohol involved? Are you doing it frequently? I mean,
they are all these extenuating circumstances that would help me
answer this question. Ladies, A guy has a right to
go hang out with the boys. He needs supportive male friendships.
If they're doing something fun like playing video games, going
to tinker with cars, going to golf together, something healthy,
(03:29):
going to the gym, going to watch a sports at
a sports bar. Let it go. He needs that. If
he's going to nightclubs with single guys and there's girls there, no,
not okay, because that's what a nightclub is. It's a
hunting ground for a new mate. So it depends what
he's doing with his friends, how often he's doing with
his friends. If the friends are supportive of your relationship.
(03:52):
Some friends are not supportive. They're trying to pull him
away from it, all right, you know the difference, right,
all right, we have time for a couple more. Oh,
this is a good one. Dear doctor Wendy. I found
out that my husband has a secret bank account. What
should I do? Get the bank account number? Please get
as much information as you possibly can. You know, a
(04:14):
few years ago I had this woman on my show,
and she runs an investment company and they invest in
high end divorces. And one of the things she said
is that divorce happens two to four years before anybody
files for divorce. In other words, the beginning of the
divorce happens in two ways. Women tend to get in
(04:37):
great shape and get plastic surgery and say that they're
just doing it for themselves to feel better, but actually
they're testing their worth in the mating marketplace. And men
start to stash money, They put things into secret bank accounts,
they put things into family members' names, They do all
kinds of things to be ready for the mating marketplace
(04:57):
because resources are a great way to showcase mate value
for males, and youth and fitness and beauty is the
way that women showcase make values to men. So this
woman who was a guest on my show a few
years ago, said that if you suspect the divorce is
in the offing, the most important thing you could do
(05:18):
is take his briefcas does anyone ever carry a briefcase anymore?
I don't know. Go into his papers when he's sleeping
and take screenshots. Just photograph every single document. She was
telling stories about having to hire private detectives to find
the money because it was so well hidden during divorce cases,
and she said the best way to find it is
(05:39):
sometimes with phone bills because people always visit their money,
so wherever their calling is important, and also even food delivery.
They found some phone bill and they were able to
see that it was a food delivery company like a
door Dash, and then they were able to get the
address of where it went to, and then from there
they were able to figure what bank was near that Airbnb.
It was crazy. She's like a full detective finding the money.
(06:01):
So yeah, secret bank accounts something that's something to talk
about if you're married and you're sharing resources, and especially
if you're raising his kids. I would want to find
out about that, Dear doctor Wendy. My partner says that
they don't believe in monogamy. Should I try an open
relationship or move on? It's hard for me to answer
(06:24):
that because I don't know you. I don't know what
your sexual psychology is, I don't know what your values are.
But I will say this, when we try to be somebody,
we're not just to please somebody else. We're usually never
happy in the end. And so if you're only doing
it for that person, I would say don't do it.
(06:46):
If you are just open to experimentation and you want
to try it, but I always say that's all fun
and games until somebody falls in love. It's not the
easy route, and it is the vast my minority of
people who can safely emotionally entertain conscious non monogamy. It
(07:08):
is certainly not for everybody. It is not for the masses.
If you want to do it for you, do it
for you. If you're doing it for your partner, not
a great idea. All right, When we come back, I
want to talk about what healthy love is and how
I came to a place where I finally understood how
(07:31):
to have the skills needed to create healthy love. You're
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Forty Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on
KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You know, I spent a lot of years in my
early adulthood life and even middle age asking myself, what
is healthy love? Will I ever find healthy love? Believing
(08:12):
that it is something that you just stumble upon and
that it's all about luck. And after a few years
of therapy that came after many years of many bad relationships.
I remind everybody I do not blame the men whom
(08:32):
I had terrible, painful, toxic, abandoning, abusive relationships with. I
blame me. I blame me because although I need to
learn to forgive myself, because it's largely unconscious, we all
have this model for love in our unconscious that says
this treatment's okay, or that it's normal. And I do
(08:54):
want to say one thing. If you're somebody out there
who is in a relationship that doesn't make you happy,
If the strongest feeling you have is confusion, which is
what I had, then that's not love. It's not a
secure attachment. And so finally seeing a therapist and spending
years and reading books and going to graduate school and
(09:17):
learning about attachment theory, I was able to, step by
step literally change who I was attracted to, be able
to take in care, be able to feel loved and
deserving of love. I learned how to express my emotions.
(09:40):
I learned how to be honest and not ever hide
my feelings. But I also learned how to express them
in a very non defensive way. You know, when people
have an early in life when they're not allowed to
express themselves, when they try to practice later in life.
They say things like in a really angry or defensive way.
(10:02):
It's almost like they don't feel safe saying it, so
they better say it extra strong. When you have emotional intelligence,
you've learned the skills. When you have a secure relationship,
you can just say things in a calm way, you know.
Maya Angelou once said, the best love is the one
(10:23):
that makes you a better person without changing you into
someone other than yourself. I spend a lot of time
trying to be somebody else for other people, trying to
well quiet my light and my voice because I knew
I was very talkative. I didn't know I was an
(10:46):
external processor and that's just how I am. I didn't
know that there would be a man out there one
day who had a very talkative mother who would find
that normal and cool. And I remember seeing Julio, like
just a few months into it, and we would go
for really long walks because it was during COVID, and
he said to me one time, you and I can
walk for an hour and I don't have to say
(11:09):
a word. It's such a relief. He found his listener.
He's a great listener, which is great. Of course, we
do have lots of debates and lots of conversation, and
it is a lot of back and forth, But I
want to talk about what healthy love really is for
those of you who haven't created yet created it yet
(11:29):
for yourself. Healthy love means that we are all responsible
for our own happiness. It is not someone's job to
make us happy. Happiness is an inside job, and it
starts with us. For instance, if Julio does a few
(11:50):
little things around the house that bother me, like leaving
his drawers open, I know I've told you this story before,
I say to myself, whose problem is this? Is this
his problem or mine? I'm not going to make it
his problem because it's obviously not a problem for him
unless I nag him and yell at him and drive
him crazy about leaving his drawers ajar or I could
just go close him and solve my own problem. Make
myself happy, right, make yourself happy first. The other thing
(12:17):
is we're also not responsible for somebody else's happiness. I
had a lot of grumpy partners in my life, and
I felt like I had to be their cheerleader. I
had to be the happy one. But this is not
your job. They should come into the relationship with their
own baggage stuffed with joy and happiness, because they're going
(12:37):
to need to open those suitcases from time to time.
We are only responsible for ensuring that we are a
whole person, that we have a healthy sense of identity,
that we are high functioning, that we have self esteem.
And by the way, self esteem doesn't mean, oh my god,
(12:59):
I like myself, I'm s so perfect, I'm so confident.
Self esteem means I'm good enough and some days I
make mistakes because I'm human, and I can forgive myself
and I hope you can forgive me. That's called healthy
self esteem. I also learned about what a secure attachment
(13:20):
feels like. I'm in it now, and I'm so glad
I'm in it, so that I can describe it to you,
because for many decades I only had insecure attachments with people.
So butterflies in your stomach should be a short, fleeting
thing at the beginning. Long term butterflies in your stomach
(13:42):
are a roller coaster. This is not love highs and
lows and worry about abandonment, and then huge highs and
then back to lows again. If you're crying or feeling angry.
A lot of the time. This is not love. This
is re enacting your childhood trauma. As I was using
(14:04):
a new object the guy I was dating as a
replacement for what happened before. When somebody says hey, she
won't say I love you, or he won't allow us
to have relationship definition, or they don't believe in PDAs,
that's not love. Right. Love is people who naturally touch
(14:27):
each other, who feel quite comfortable being defined as being
part of a couple, and being able to use their
words to express love. Healthy love does not feel like
a roller coaster. It feels safe. It feels like peace,
It feels like trust. It allows you to be you,
(14:52):
it allows your voice. I will say that healthy love
isn't exciting, but it is far from boring. It is
a soft pillow to fall into where one feels safe.
And that's what I hope for all of you when
we come back. I have a very fascinating author of
(15:14):
a book that I keep mispronouncing the name of. Listen
to me. Let's see if I can get through it
when we come back. But I'm going to get through
the whole book because I can't wait to finish it.
It's so good you're.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
Listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM
six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. My
next guest is an entrepreneur, an investor, and an author.
His new book is called Homo am I going to
say it right, idiot idiot idiots again? I'm being an idiot?
Can you say it for me? Cizari?
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Homo Idiotic goes like a play on Homo sapiens and
homo economics. I think that we are all homodiogicals, not
homeless obdience.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Let's go with the subtitle Why we Are Stupid and
what we could do about it? Jasari Petrashic, How did
I do ye? Originally from Poland? Now I talk about
cognitive biases a lot the brains shortcut that we do
so that the brain, sometimes in trying to save fuel,
(16:24):
makes wrong decisions. Is this book about why we're stupid
and what we can do about it? Kind of about
cognitive biases?
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Yes, it's a big part of that, but not the
only part. So cognitive biases are part of the psychological
dimension of our stupidity. But there's also biological and sociological
and institutional.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
Okay, so how are we biologically stupid?
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Biologically? It's actee quite complex. It's from how we are
wired in terms of that amigdala part of our brain
that prioritizes actions to whatever is dangerous, moving, flashy, whatever,
makes cautious but not precise decisions. Prefrontal cortekes makes better decisions.
(17:11):
But we use it sparingly. We use it only when
we really think. Most of the decisions our daily life
we use you know, using amygdala and other things. But
biology also is about testosterone. You know, testosterone makes us
slightly more stupid. So here's the question whether the men
are more stupid than the woman.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
It depends which IQ test you're using, But I can
tell you with the WAYS test there's a greater range.
Men have a greater range of intelligences on those scores.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Yeah, but but do you know that almost seventy percent
of men do not wash their hands after using public
toilet and only half of that women.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Oh, I have to tell you, Jasari that when COVID happened,
and I watched men walking out of men rooms shaking
their hands and wringing them because they were wet. I
was just doing the touchdown cheer. Is this what it
takes a pandemic to get those guys to wash their hands? Okay,
I'm going to tell you one biological error that we
(18:14):
often make. So when I talk a lot about the
science of love and the science of relationships on this show,
you know, we smell somebody's pheromones who might be a
good biological match for us because immune systems give off
a certain kind of scent, and if somebody has a
disparate a different immune system, we will find them more
sexually attractive. But that doesn't mean you can have a
(18:36):
compatible marriage. So there's another way that biologically we make mistakes. Okay,
so you mentioned some other ways that we're making mistakes.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Yeah, it's sociology. So how the society works. So basically,
the society sadly makes us stupid. And this is an
incredible thing because the society made us originally very very
smart and very for example, less violent than we used
to be and allowed us to specialize, et cetera. So
society has put us to tremendous point of possession of
(19:15):
strength and mental strength as well. However, very I would
say in the last few hundred years, the society has
rather negative impact on our orata is encouraging our adiocy.
Why which way because because of the of the concept
of conformity. So basically we would do anything to conform
(19:36):
with society, which means that we make a lot of
recipt decisions just to conform. So for example, there was
just from innocent things such as you know, there was
this experiment in nineteen fifties when they were asking people
to show they were showing them three lines and one
was obviously shorter, one was obviously longer, and one was
(19:56):
exactly the same.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Life amazing.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Continue, it's amazing, right, and people, you know, normally in
the control group, ninety nine percent of people pointed out
correctly which is longer, which is shorter. But then when
six people before them were telling wrong answer, but they
very consistently because they were all accomplasses of the person
(20:20):
who designed the study, then like thirty six percent of
people also gave wrong answer.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
That's amazing, which is one of the reasons in our
criminal justice system why it's so easy to get somebody
to admit to a crime they might not even have committed,
because you have enough cops in the room and they'd
say there are other witnesses they're certing to think, well,
maybe I did do it.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Yeah, informity with conformative of society is is kind of
forced upon us. Think about it. In the old days,
it actually was a matter of survival because because if
you were different from society, if you didn't conform, you'd
be left behind, and a single person without the tribe,
(21:01):
without the group, would die, right like in their primitive society.
So that's why it's so deeply wired in us that
we all the time want to conform with the society.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
We want to fit in. You know, I have been
accused of being a bit of a vanguard and a
maverick and a big mouth and not going along with
the crowd. And it has to do with the fact
that I, by my dad was in the navy, we
moved a lot. By the time I graduated high school,
I'd gone to ten different schools. So I always felt
(21:32):
like an outsider and never felt a need to conform
because I knew it only be there year anyway. And
as a result it has sustained me. I've gotten a
little bit of trouble, okay, but for the most part,
my big mouth that goes against the grain. That's a
truth teller goes uh uh ah, No, that's not right.
Why are we following that? But now in today's time,
(21:53):
you know, we have a society where we have a
government who's practicing kind of authoritarian ways. That's going to
make people conform even more, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Yes, Basically people think that whatever is legal or blessed
by society is moral. So we we do not have
many security wolves and do not have many switches that
you know, we will do as a society really bad
things if the society is blessing us.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Yes, So if.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
The society tells that this, you know, you can shoot
at people in this way, you can do those atrocious things.
You can you can torture, you will do it because
society gives you the permission.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
This is so frightening. We have to go to a break.
When we come back, I want you to talk about
some practical, actionable strategies so that we can make smarter
decisions as individuals. My guest is the author of Homo
idiot idiootesis are you're right? Idioticis? It's idiot idioticus idioticalus
(22:59):
Homo idiotic is why we are stupid and what we
can do about it. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (23:09):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Chazari
Petras petrass seek. Oh my god, I got to learn
how to speak Polish. Chazari. I'm just gonna call you Tazari.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
That's perfect.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
A brilliant entrepreneur, investor, and author. He is actually the
owner of a leading AI company that predicts human behavior.
That's where you got all this information. All right, you
mentioned earlier that we will follow the crowd because it's
basic survival. We will make all kinds of biological, intellectual,
(23:56):
and social mistakes. What can we do about it? How
can we walk to our own drum?
Speaker 2 (24:04):
So there's there's many, many strategies, right, So one of
the one of the critical important ones is the mindset.
So basically the mindset is it's what you have cultivated. Right,
you didn't follow the crowd because you knew that you
are different, that you travel with your family who is
in the navy, right, that you had strong values. You
(24:26):
you didn't mind if somebody called you something that you
didn't like, and that that that's the whole point. The
mindset is the most important thing. So for example, just
to give you, since you mentioned the Navy, the mindset
of the navy so stupid. It is about also tolerating
things we should we should not tolerate. Just to give
(24:46):
you an example from the navy. In the nineteen sixties,
both US Navy and Soviet Navy had series of tragic accidents.
Basically they lost a lot of Navy navies sorry SAPs.
And Russians just just went about this normally, while Americans decided, no,
you have a mindset that you will not tolerate any
(25:08):
any small difficulties, any small deficiencies, not no bed days
in the office, nothing. Since that, they have never lost
a boat, whereas the Russians have lost I think eight
or nine state of the art nuclear submarines. It's all
about the mindset, the mindset, the mindset that it's okay
to be different, yes, but it's also it is being
(25:30):
vigilant and and not tolerating stupidity, not being not allowing
yourself to you know, to well, I will not listen
to it, I will or react to it without thinking
I will, you know, I will not. I will not
be using my brain much.
Speaker 3 (25:48):
Well.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
You mentioned also at the beginning of this that you know,
in my case, for instancece I was always the outsider.
Is that I could also tolerate if people didn't like me,
because I knew I wouldn't be there that long necessarily.
But I think we all have to be able to
tolerate the feeling of shame every once in a while
(26:09):
because they could be wrong, you know, and they'll try
to shame us into all these kinds of behaviors, and
we have to be the one to go uh uh ah.
I don't think that makes sense. And so as an individual,
we could certainly do that, all right, What else can
we do to make smarter decisions?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
So feeding yourself with different information sources, so basically, you know,
not reading biased press, just trying to access information from
baff political sides, different journals, just not being in the
eco jumber. This is this is critical. This is important. Traveling, right,
(26:51):
meeting people from different cultures is really really helping because
you can't understand different perspectives. You know, when I went
to China, I spoke to the people there. You know,
I had a very Western and Western focused philosophy. I
wasn't taught much about the fact that we as Europeans
(27:11):
went to China in early nineteen hundreds and we quelled
their rebellion there. We killed thousands of people, we burned
their glorious palace, summer palace, et cetera. They still remember it.
We don't, right.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
And also, I do want to say that in a
collectivist culture, like many Asian cultures, there's far less mental
illness because sometimes our brain doesn't do well with too
much freedom. But we like literally get confused, and it's
very secure to know, like this is the hopey way,
this is the way we do it. Okay, I don't
have to think there. You mentioned trials.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Basic things go ahead. Yeah, Other basic things are such
simple things like fitting yourself. So basically, bad quality food
or insufficient food create visible reduction. Make you right. There's
those studies that malnutrition can cause fifteen percent fifteen points
(28:05):
it reduction.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
But not just childhood nutrition.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
We're talking about it was a childhood this one was
childhood nutrition. There was another study down on a big
group of I think eight graders in US where they
were feeding groups with different things, and the group that
was eating mostly fast food had twenty percent lower results
cognitive results.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Wow, that's amazing. That's amazing.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
That's a very basic thing. So so whatever you feed yourself,
you know, literally and figuratively, he really impacts your humanity.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
And you mentioned feeding your brain different information sources, you know.
I do try to listen to a range of opinions
with my podcasts and television, et cetera. And I deliberately
make a point sometimes when I'm driving and it's a
long drive, I'll be like, you know what, I'm going
to give my hour to the other side. Let me
see how they're doing this story. And I'm always shocked
(29:03):
that there are a few things they say I agree with,
and I'm like, wait a minute, maybe I'm a centralist.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
And that's beautiful because this allows us to have free
expression and freedom of speech, and that is very important,
so that we can discuss the differences rather than you know,
shout at each other.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
And oh, one more before we go.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
One more, one more for you to remember for all
those people who are thinking about the cognitive decline while
they are getting older. There is a study which shows
a twenty one year old study, so they would follow
with people for twenty one years when they discovered that
partner dancing is off the charts in terms of prevention
(29:48):
of the dementia. Forget cross puzzles, forget playing chess, forget
playing golf, like nothing compares with partner dancing.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Okay, my jaw just fell on the table because in
August I got married to a Dominican man who taught
me to salsa dance. And now we go to all
the family parties and I'm salsa dancing with my blonde
hair and blue eyes and he's working me.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
So you'll be in great physical and mental shame. You
We are all todays.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Well ya, little review. Feed your brain, different information sources.
Feed your brain healthy vegetables and lean proteins. Travel the
world so you can learn about different cultures and take
up some partner dancing. Wow. Okay, where can people get
the book?
Speaker 2 (30:37):
It's available on pre sale from Amazon. Its official launch
date is twenty second of June, so you can you
can get it on probably two days later.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
Oh great, you're going to send me a copy because
I want to read every word of it.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
Yes, I will.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Homo IDIOTICUS idiot IDIOTICUS homo IDIOTICUS subtitle why we are
stupid and what we can do about it? Jasai, thank
you so much for being with us. What a treat.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
A M six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
(31:11):
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI A M six forty from
seven to nine p m on Sunday and any time
on demand on the iHeartRadio app
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on AM six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. I am going to dig into the dms
on Instagram now because so many people have sent me
so many relationship questions this week. Thank you very much.
(00:22):
If you want to send me any questions, you just
go to at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram send me
a DM. I will always keep your identity private, all right,
Dear doctor Wendy. Is it a red flag if my
boyfriend still talks to his ex every day?
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Well, let's talk about what a red flag is. A
red flag, in my opinion, means that you're seeing that
somebody probably doesn't have the ability to have an emotionally intimate, committed,
secure relationship with you. If he is still in an
emotional attachment with his X, and if they're talking every day,
they're still in a relationship. They may not be having sex,
(01:03):
they're still in a relationship. If he is involving you
with it, and if there's been a long time since
their breakup. Let's say it's been an ex from five
years ago, and they're just friends because they work together
or whatever, and you're invited out to dinner with them whatever.
That's different. But if he has a private communication with
this person, yes, this is a red flag. It says
(01:26):
he has split his secure base into two her and you,
So I would talk to him about it. It's okay
to set a boundary with something like that. Oh here
comes a hard one. Dear doctor Wendy, we have been
dating for five years and my boyfriend says he's still
not ready for marriage. Am I wasting my time? Well,
(01:50):
the answer is it sounds like I am gonna guess
wild guess here that you're giving him all the benefits
of marriage, so he does not need to get married,
and if he needed to get married, he would, So
you need to pull back. I don't care what it
is you're doing. Are you housekeeping for him? Are you
living with them? Are you doing the dishes? Are you
(02:12):
having sex with him? Those are wife duties, not girlfriend duties.
If you want to be married and you've expressed it,
begging for it doesn't work. You've got to pull back
on everything you're giving. And yes, if you're living together,
go get your own place. See how quickly he wants
to get married. Just saying, you don't sit around and
wait for somebody to have a state of readiness. Okay.
(02:35):
In fact, the sad thing is many women wait for
a man to have a state of readiness. Then he
hits his state of readiness and breaks up with her
and goes and finds a wife. It's the craziest thing.
Happens all the time. So don't hang in there. That's
all I'm saying my opinion. Hey, it's just my opinion.
You don't have to do whatever I say. I'm just
saying I have a lot of life experience. Dear doctor, Wendy,
(02:57):
my girlfriend gets angry when I hang out with my friend.
Is this controlling behavior? Well? I need a lot more
information here. Who are these friends? Are they all single?
Are you going to night clubs? Are there single women?
Speaker 3 (03:09):
There?
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Is there alcohol involved? Are you doing it frequently? I mean,
they are all these extenuating circumstances that would help me
answer this question. Ladies, A guy has a right to
go hang out with the boys. He needs supportive male friendships.
If they're doing something fun like playing video games, going
to tinker with cars, going to golf together, something healthy,
(03:29):
going to the gym, going to watch a sports at
a sports bar. Let it go. He needs that. If
he's going to nightclubs with single guys and there's girls there, no,
not okay, because that's what a nightclub is. It's a
hunting ground for a new mate. So it depends what
he's doing with his friends, how often he's doing with
his friends. If the friends are supportive of your relationship.
(03:52):
Some friends are not supportive. They're trying to pull him
away from it, all right, you know the difference, right,
all right, we have time for a couple more. Oh,
this is a good one. Dear doctor Wendy. I found
out that my husband has a secret bank account. What
should I do? Get the bank account number? Please get
as much information as you possibly can. You know, a
(04:14):
few years ago I had this woman on my show,
and she runs an investment company and they invest in
high end divorces. And one of the things she said
is that divorce happens two to four years before anybody
files for divorce. In other words, the beginning of the
divorce happens in two ways. Women tend to get in
(04:37):
great shape and get plastic surgery and say that they're
just doing it for themselves to feel better, but actually
they're testing their worth in the mating marketplace. And men
start to stash money, They put things into secret bank accounts,
they put things into family members' names, They do all
kinds of things to be ready for the mating marketplace
(04:57):
because resources are a great way to showcase mate value
for males, and youth and fitness and beauty is the
way that women showcase make values to men. So this
woman who was a guest on my show a few
years ago, said that if you suspect the divorce is
in the offing, the most important thing you could do
(05:18):
is take his briefcas does anyone ever carry a briefcase anymore?
I don't know. Go into his papers when he's sleeping
and take screenshots. Just photograph every single document. She was
telling stories about having to hire private detectives to find
the money because it was so well hidden during divorce cases,
and she said the best way to find it is
(05:39):
sometimes with phone bills because people always visit their money,
so wherever their calling is important, and also even food delivery.
They found some phone bill and they were able to
see that it was a food delivery company like a
door Dash, and then they were able to get the
address of where it went to, and then from there
they were able to figure what bank was near that Airbnb.
It was crazy. She's like a full detective finding the money.
(06:01):
So yeah, secret bank accounts something that's something to talk
about if you're married and you're sharing resources, and especially
if you're raising his kids. I would want to find
out about that, Dear doctor Wendy. My partner says that
they don't believe in monogamy. Should I try an open
relationship or move on? It's hard for me to answer
(06:24):
that because I don't know you. I don't know what
your sexual psychology is, I don't know what your values are.
But I will say this, when we try to be somebody,
we're not just to please somebody else. We're usually never
happy in the end. And so if you're only doing
it for that person, I would say don't do it.
(06:46):
If you are just open to experimentation and you want
to try it, but I always say that's all fun
and games until somebody falls in love. It's not the
easy route, and it is the vast my minority of
people who can safely emotionally entertain conscious non monogamy. It
(07:08):
is certainly not for everybody. It is not for the masses.
If you want to do it for you, do it
for you. If you're doing it for your partner, not
a great idea. All right, When we come back, I
want to talk about what healthy love is and how
I came to a place where I finally understood how
(07:31):
to have the skills needed to create healthy love. You're
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Forty Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on
KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You know, I spent a lot of years in my
early adulthood life and even middle age asking myself, what
is healthy love? Will I ever find healthy love? Believing
(08:12):
that it is something that you just stumble upon and
that it's all about luck. And after a few years
of therapy that came after many years of many bad relationships.
I remind everybody I do not blame the men whom
(08:32):
I had terrible, painful, toxic, abandoning, abusive relationships with. I
blame me. I blame me because although I need to
learn to forgive myself, because it's largely unconscious, we all
have this model for love in our unconscious that says
this treatment's okay, or that it's normal. And I do
(08:54):
want to say one thing. If you're somebody out there
who is in a relationship that doesn't make you happy,
If the strongest feeling you have is confusion, which is
what I had, then that's not love. It's not a
secure attachment. And so finally seeing a therapist and spending
years and reading books and going to graduate school and
(09:17):
learning about attachment theory, I was able to, step by
step literally change who I was attracted to, be able
to take in care, be able to feel loved and
deserving of love. I learned how to express my emotions.
(09:40):
I learned how to be honest and not ever hide
my feelings. But I also learned how to express them
in a very non defensive way. You know, when people
have an early in life when they're not allowed to
express themselves, when they try to practice later in life.
They say things like in a really angry or defensive way.
(10:02):
It's almost like they don't feel safe saying it, so
they better say it extra strong. When you have emotional intelligence,
you've learned the skills. When you have a secure relationship,
you can just say things in a calm way, you know.
Maya Angelou once said, the best love is the one
(10:23):
that makes you a better person without changing you into
someone other than yourself. I spend a lot of time
trying to be somebody else for other people, trying to
well quiet my light and my voice because I knew
I was very talkative. I didn't know I was an
(10:46):
external processor and that's just how I am. I didn't
know that there would be a man out there one
day who had a very talkative mother who would find
that normal and cool. And I remember seeing Julio, like
just a few months into it, and we would go
for really long walks because it was during COVID, and
he said to me one time, you and I can
walk for an hour and I don't have to say
(11:09):
a word. It's such a relief. He found his listener.
He's a great listener, which is great. Of course, we
do have lots of debates and lots of conversation, and
it is a lot of back and forth, But I
want to talk about what healthy love really is for
those of you who haven't created yet created it yet
(11:29):
for yourself. Healthy love means that we are all responsible
for our own happiness. It is not someone's job to
make us happy. Happiness is an inside job, and it
starts with us. For instance, if Julio does a few
(11:50):
little things around the house that bother me, like leaving
his drawers open, I know I've told you this story before,
I say to myself, whose problem is this? Is this
his problem or mine? I'm not going to make it
his problem because it's obviously not a problem for him
unless I nag him and yell at him and drive
him crazy about leaving his drawers ajar or I could
just go close him and solve my own problem. Make
myself happy, right, make yourself happy first. The other thing
(12:17):
is we're also not responsible for somebody else's happiness. I
had a lot of grumpy partners in my life, and
I felt like I had to be their cheerleader. I
had to be the happy one. But this is not
your job. They should come into the relationship with their
own baggage stuffed with joy and happiness, because they're going
(12:37):
to need to open those suitcases from time to time.
We are only responsible for ensuring that we are a
whole person, that we have a healthy sense of identity,
that we are high functioning, that we have self esteem.
And by the way, self esteem doesn't mean, oh my god,
(12:59):
I like myself, I'm s so perfect, I'm so confident.
Self esteem means I'm good enough and some days I
make mistakes because I'm human, and I can forgive myself
and I hope you can forgive me. That's called healthy
self esteem. I also learned about what a secure attachment
(13:20):
feels like. I'm in it now, and I'm so glad
I'm in it, so that I can describe it to you,
because for many decades I only had insecure attachments with people.
So butterflies in your stomach should be a short, fleeting
thing at the beginning. Long term butterflies in your stomach
(13:42):
are a roller coaster. This is not love highs and
lows and worry about abandonment, and then huge highs and
then back to lows again. If you're crying or feeling angry.
A lot of the time. This is not love. This
is re enacting your childhood trauma. As I was using
(14:04):
a new object the guy I was dating as a
replacement for what happened before. When somebody says hey, she
won't say I love you, or he won't allow us
to have relationship definition, or they don't believe in PDAs,
that's not love. Right. Love is people who naturally touch
(14:27):
each other, who feel quite comfortable being defined as being
part of a couple, and being able to use their
words to express love. Healthy love does not feel like
a roller coaster. It feels safe. It feels like peace,
It feels like trust. It allows you to be you,
(14:52):
it allows your voice. I will say that healthy love
isn't exciting, but it is far from boring. It is
a soft pillow to fall into where one feels safe.
And that's what I hope for all of you when
we come back. I have a very fascinating author of
(15:14):
a book that I keep mispronouncing the name of. Listen
to me. Let's see if I can get through it
when we come back. But I'm going to get through
the whole book because I can't wait to finish it.
It's so good you're.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
Listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM
six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. My
next guest is an entrepreneur, an investor, and an author.
His new book is called Homo am I going to
say it right, idiot idiot idiots again? I'm being an idiot?
Can you say it for me? Cizari?
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Homo Idiotic goes like a play on Homo sapiens and
homo economics. I think that we are all homodiogicals, not
homeless obdience.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Let's go with the subtitle Why we Are Stupid and
what we could do about it? Jasari Petrashic, How did
I do ye? Originally from Poland? Now I talk about
cognitive biases a lot the brains shortcut that we do
so that the brain, sometimes in trying to save fuel,
(16:24):
makes wrong decisions. Is this book about why we're stupid
and what we can do about it? Kind of about
cognitive biases?
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Yes, it's a big part of that, but not the
only part. So cognitive biases are part of the psychological
dimension of our stupidity. But there's also biological and sociological
and institutional.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
Okay, so how are we biologically stupid?
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Biologically? It's actee quite complex. It's from how we are
wired in terms of that amigdala part of our brain
that prioritizes actions to whatever is dangerous, moving, flashy, whatever,
makes cautious but not precise decisions. Prefrontal cortekes makes better decisions.
(17:11):
But we use it sparingly. We use it only when
we really think. Most of the decisions our daily life
we use you know, using amygdala and other things. But
biology also is about testosterone. You know, testosterone makes us
slightly more stupid. So here's the question whether the men
are more stupid than the woman.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
It depends which IQ test you're using, But I can
tell you with the WAYS test there's a greater range.
Men have a greater range of intelligences on those scores.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Yeah, but but do you know that almost seventy percent
of men do not wash their hands after using public
toilet and only half of that women.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Oh, I have to tell you, Jasari that when COVID happened,
and I watched men walking out of men rooms shaking
their hands and wringing them because they were wet. I
was just doing the touchdown cheer. Is this what it
takes a pandemic to get those guys to wash their hands? Okay,
I'm going to tell you one biological error that we
(18:14):
often make. So when I talk a lot about the
science of love and the science of relationships on this show,
you know, we smell somebody's pheromones who might be a
good biological match for us because immune systems give off
a certain kind of scent, and if somebody has a
disparate a different immune system, we will find them more
sexually attractive. But that doesn't mean you can have a
(18:36):
compatible marriage. So there's another way that biologically we make mistakes. Okay,
so you mentioned some other ways that we're making mistakes.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Yeah, it's sociology. So how the society works. So basically,
the society sadly makes us stupid. And this is an
incredible thing because the society made us originally very very
smart and very for example, less violent than we used
to be and allowed us to specialize, et cetera. So
society has put us to tremendous point of possession of
(19:15):
strength and mental strength as well. However, very I would
say in the last few hundred years, the society has
rather negative impact on our orata is encouraging our adiocy.
Why which way because because of the of the concept
of conformity. So basically we would do anything to conform
(19:36):
with society, which means that we make a lot of
recipt decisions just to conform. So for example, there was
just from innocent things such as you know, there was
this experiment in nineteen fifties when they were asking people
to show they were showing them three lines and one
was obviously shorter, one was obviously longer, and one was
(19:56):
exactly the same.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Life amazing.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Continue, it's amazing, right, and people, you know, normally in
the control group, ninety nine percent of people pointed out
correctly which is longer, which is shorter. But then when
six people before them were telling wrong answer, but they
very consistently because they were all accomplasses of the person
(20:20):
who designed the study, then like thirty six percent of
people also gave wrong answer.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
That's amazing, which is one of the reasons in our
criminal justice system why it's so easy to get somebody
to admit to a crime they might not even have committed,
because you have enough cops in the room and they'd
say there are other witnesses they're certing to think, well,
maybe I did do it.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Yeah, informity with conformative of society is is kind of
forced upon us. Think about it. In the old days,
it actually was a matter of survival because because if
you were different from society, if you didn't conform, you'd
be left behind, and a single person without the tribe,
(21:01):
without the group, would die, right like in their primitive society.
So that's why it's so deeply wired in us that
we all the time want to conform with the society.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
We want to fit in. You know, I have been
accused of being a bit of a vanguard and a
maverick and a big mouth and not going along with
the crowd. And it has to do with the fact
that I, by my dad was in the navy, we
moved a lot. By the time I graduated high school,
I'd gone to ten different schools. So I always felt
(21:32):
like an outsider and never felt a need to conform
because I knew it only be there year anyway. And
as a result it has sustained me. I've gotten a
little bit of trouble, okay, but for the most part,
my big mouth that goes against the grain. That's a
truth teller goes uh uh ah, No, that's not right.
Why are we following that? But now in today's time,
(21:53):
you know, we have a society where we have a
government who's practicing kind of authoritarian ways. That's going to
make people conform even more, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Yes, Basically people think that whatever is legal or blessed
by society is moral. So we we do not have
many security wolves and do not have many switches that
you know, we will do as a society really bad
things if the society is blessing us.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Yes, So if.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
The society tells that this, you know, you can shoot
at people in this way, you can do those atrocious things.
You can you can torture, you will do it because
society gives you the permission.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
This is so frightening. We have to go to a break.
When we come back, I want you to talk about
some practical, actionable strategies so that we can make smarter
decisions as individuals. My guest is the author of Homo
idiot idiootesis are you're right? Idioticis? It's idiot idioticus idioticalus
(22:59):
Homo idiotic is why we are stupid and what we
can do about it. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (23:09):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Chazari
Petras petrass seek. Oh my god, I got to learn
how to speak Polish. Chazari. I'm just gonna call you Tazari.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
That's perfect.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
A brilliant entrepreneur, investor, and author. He is actually the
owner of a leading AI company that predicts human behavior.
That's where you got all this information. All right, you
mentioned earlier that we will follow the crowd because it's
basic survival. We will make all kinds of biological, intellectual,
(23:56):
and social mistakes. What can we do about it? How
can we walk to our own drum?
Speaker 2 (24:04):
So there's there's many, many strategies, right, So one of
the one of the critical important ones is the mindset.
So basically the mindset is it's what you have cultivated. Right,
you didn't follow the crowd because you knew that you
are different, that you travel with your family who is
in the navy, right, that you had strong values. You
(24:26):
you didn't mind if somebody called you something that you
didn't like, and that that that's the whole point. The
mindset is the most important thing. So for example, just
to give you, since you mentioned the Navy, the mindset
of the navy so stupid. It is about also tolerating
things we should we should not tolerate. Just to give
(24:46):
you an example from the navy. In the nineteen sixties,
both US Navy and Soviet Navy had series of tragic accidents.
Basically they lost a lot of Navy navies sorry SAPs.
And Russians just just went about this normally, while Americans decided, no,
you have a mindset that you will not tolerate any
(25:08):
any small difficulties, any small deficiencies, not no bed days
in the office, nothing. Since that, they have never lost
a boat, whereas the Russians have lost I think eight
or nine state of the art nuclear submarines. It's all
about the mindset, the mindset, the mindset that it's okay
to be different, yes, but it's also it is being
(25:30):
vigilant and and not tolerating stupidity, not being not allowing
yourself to you know, to well, I will not listen
to it, I will or react to it without thinking
I will, you know, I will not. I will not
be using my brain much.
Speaker 3 (25:48):
Well.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
You mentioned also at the beginning of this that you know,
in my case, for instancece I was always the outsider.
Is that I could also tolerate if people didn't like me,
because I knew I wouldn't be there that long necessarily.
But I think we all have to be able to
tolerate the feeling of shame every once in a while
(26:09):
because they could be wrong, you know, and they'll try
to shame us into all these kinds of behaviors, and
we have to be the one to go uh uh ah.
I don't think that makes sense. And so as an individual,
we could certainly do that, all right, What else can
we do to make smarter decisions?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
So feeding yourself with different information sources, so basically, you know,
not reading biased press, just trying to access information from
baff political sides, different journals, just not being in the
eco jumber. This is this is critical. This is important. Traveling, right,
(26:51):
meeting people from different cultures is really really helping because
you can't understand different perspectives. You know, when I went
to China, I spoke to the people there. You know,
I had a very Western and Western focused philosophy. I
wasn't taught much about the fact that we as Europeans
(27:11):
went to China in early nineteen hundreds and we quelled
their rebellion there. We killed thousands of people, we burned
their glorious palace, summer palace, et cetera. They still remember it.
We don't, right.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
And also, I do want to say that in a
collectivist culture, like many Asian cultures, there's far less mental
illness because sometimes our brain doesn't do well with too
much freedom. But we like literally get confused, and it's
very secure to know, like this is the hopey way,
this is the way we do it. Okay, I don't
have to think there. You mentioned trials.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Basic things go ahead. Yeah, Other basic things are such
simple things like fitting yourself. So basically, bad quality food
or insufficient food create visible reduction. Make you right. There's
those studies that malnutrition can cause fifteen percent fifteen points
(28:05):
it reduction.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
But not just childhood nutrition.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
We're talking about it was a childhood this one was
childhood nutrition. There was another study down on a big
group of I think eight graders in US where they
were feeding groups with different things, and the group that
was eating mostly fast food had twenty percent lower results
cognitive results.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Wow, that's amazing. That's amazing.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
That's a very basic thing. So so whatever you feed yourself,
you know, literally and figuratively, he really impacts your humanity.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
And you mentioned feeding your brain different information sources, you know.
I do try to listen to a range of opinions
with my podcasts and television, et cetera. And I deliberately
make a point sometimes when I'm driving and it's a
long drive, I'll be like, you know what, I'm going
to give my hour to the other side. Let me
see how they're doing this story. And I'm always shocked
(29:03):
that there are a few things they say I agree with,
and I'm like, wait a minute, maybe I'm a centralist.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
And that's beautiful because this allows us to have free
expression and freedom of speech, and that is very important,
so that we can discuss the differences rather than you know,
shout at each other.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
And oh, one more before we go.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
One more, one more for you to remember for all
those people who are thinking about the cognitive decline while
they are getting older. There is a study which shows
a twenty one year old study, so they would follow
with people for twenty one years when they discovered that
partner dancing is off the charts in terms of prevention
(29:48):
of the dementia. Forget cross puzzles, forget playing chess, forget
playing golf, like nothing compares with partner dancing.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Okay, my jaw just fell on the table because in
August I got married to a Dominican man who taught
me to salsa dance. And now we go to all
the family parties and I'm salsa dancing with my blonde
hair and blue eyes and he's working me.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
So you'll be in great physical and mental shame. You
We are all todays.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Well ya, little review. Feed your brain, different information sources.
Feed your brain healthy vegetables and lean proteins. Travel the
world so you can learn about different cultures and take
up some partner dancing. Wow. Okay, where can people get
the book?
Speaker 2 (30:37):
It's available on pre sale from Amazon. Its official launch
date is twenty second of June, so you can you
can get it on probably two days later.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
Oh great, you're going to send me a copy because
I want to read every word of it.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
Yes, I will.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Homo IDIOTICUS idiot IDIOTICUS homo IDIOTICUS subtitle why we are
stupid and what we can do about it? Jasai, thank
you so much for being with us. What a treat.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
A M six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
(31:11):
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