May 26, 2025 • 30 mins
Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. PLUS why we feel sexy while drunk. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio App. We're talking about what couples really fight about,
the three c's that underlie every single argument. First up
(00:21):
was care. People are really asking to just be cared
for all. The second is credit, Just acknowledge them, show gratitude,
give credit where credit is due. And finally there's control.
Now this is a tricky one because control is annoying.
It shows up as micromanaging, bossy behavior, or one partner
(00:42):
keeping score, and underneath it all is anxiety. Maybe that
partner feels powerless in some area of life. Maybe the
relationship is the one space where they try to regain control.
So here's the important part. Instead stead of labeling it
as controlling behavior, I want you to try to look
(01:04):
a little deeper and ask yourself why are they micromanaging?
What are they afraid of losing? Here and often that
need for control is a cry for stability, certainty, or fairness,
right So at the end of the day, no matter
(01:25):
what you're arguing about, I want you to ask yourself
and really ask your partner your partner's upset about any small,
silly thing. Instead of criticizing them and saying you're making
a mountain out of a mole hill, what's this really about?
I want you to say what do you need from
me right now? And use that tone of voice, not okay, fine,
(01:46):
what do you need? No? No, no, no no, how
can I help you right now? Honey? What do you
need right now? This cuts through the noise, It shifts
the conversation from blame to vulnerability, and when both partners
can finally learn how to spot that there's a need
for care, credit, or control, they can stop fighting over
(02:11):
the content and start addressing the connection. Remember, the goal
of having a healthy relationship isn't to avoid conflict. Okay,
conflict is good and it's healthy, and intimacy as good
is to have healthy repair. Right, So after the yelling
and the bickering, it's time to say, I love you,
I'm sorry, how can I help you? What do you
(02:34):
need right So the next time you hear your partner
say you always leave your dishes in the sink. I
want you to take a deep breath, and I want
you to ask yourself. Are they asking me to care?
Are they asking me to appreciate them? Or are they
asking me to help them control the chaos, the mess
in the kitchen? Right, think about care, credit and control.
(02:58):
Write that down, care, credit and control. All right, let's
move along. I was reading this article. I can't remember
where it was written by doctor Mark Travers, a psychologist
who specializes in the research on relationships. He happens to
hold degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder.
Like I said, there's amazing relationship researchers around the world,
(03:21):
and I love to report on their work. And he'd
written an article saying that in all the healthy happy
couples he studied that there are five things that couples
do healthy happy couples do on the weekends. You ready
for it? Five things? Yeah? You can keep scoreing this
number one. This is the hard one. I know. They
mostly put their phones away, right, A couple who spends
(03:43):
a whole lot of time together, but they're always distracted
by their texts. This is not good. Or if they're
on emails or social media. This isn't a happy couple, right.
It's interesting. I have a social media manager and she
called me last week because you need to be on
social media more. You need to be responding to people,
you need to be put in comments, you need to
answer the questions and blah blah blah. And I'm thinking,
but I'm happy now. I have a life. Honestly, I
(04:07):
care about you guys. I'll get back on social media more.
But carving out one on one time without technology is
so important to a happy, healthy relationship. And there's different
times couples might do. It might be like during their
morning coffee. So I'll tell you my favorite thing we do.
So I'm actually on my phone at this time. But
when we wake up in the morning, Julio actually needs
(04:29):
more sleep than I do, which is rare. So I
get up and I make myself my latte. I crawl
back in bed, and I read sometimes on my phone,
but I like to just touch toes and cuddle with
him and wait for him to slowly wake up. And
in a weird way, this is a connection. And when
he wakes up, I obviously put my phone down and
(04:49):
then we talk and say good morning and all that
kind of stuff. So put your phones away on the weekends,
all right. The other thing healthy couples do is they
engage in parallel play. Now, if your parent you know
what that is. Small children don't often engage with each
other at the park, but they parallel play. They do
what's fun for them right beside the other. They have
company while they're doing what they like to do. So
(05:10):
one of the things Julio likes to do on those
mornings that he does get up early, is he likes
to watch the Formula one races. So, and we were
watching horse races the other day. Boy, that jockey with
the pink hat. Did you watch that race? I don't
even know what it was, but that horse was way
at the back and he pushed down almost those other
two almost fell down, and he won the race. Anyway,
(05:30):
I sit there doing the things I like to do,
whether it's reading, whether it's writing, whether it's you know,
just sipping a cup of tea and daydreaming and thinking
about my dreams. But I sit with him while he
does what he likes. It's parallel play. Right. Sometimes I'll
be gardening and he will, like we garden together at
(05:52):
our farm, and he'll do the heavy labor. I'll do
the light stuff. We come back together. He may tinker
with his car in the garage and I may be
gardening just outside the garage. But we're kind of parallel
playing together. We know each other are there. It wouldn't
be the same doing it alone without the person nearby,
but we don't necessarily have to engage. The other thing
(06:13):
healthy couples do is they create rituals together. We have
silly rituals, like he's down the hall right now. He
likes to come to work with me on Sundays. He
brings his computer, he does his work. But we have
a ritual of how we drive to work, what time
we leave. We stop at Whole Foods, we get a snack,
We do this whole thing. It's like our Sunday rituals.
Some people go to church, he comes to work with me.
(06:34):
So there you go. Create a weekend ritual. Number four
couples make a sex schedule. Listen, this is not unromantic.
Sex is never spontaneous. When you're in long term committed monogamy,
don't expect it to just happen. You must talk about it.
You must put it on the schedule, and the last
(06:54):
one is healthy couples laugh on purpose. I'm not. I'm
like a curmudgeon old Irish Catholic and he's a like
giggily Dominican, and so he manages to make lightness and
laughter out of so many things. Right. So, during the
(07:15):
week I know you look for things to stress over,
but on the weekends, I want you to take those
glasses off and focus on what's funny about your life,
what is joyful about your life? All right? When we
come back, I am heading to my social media see December,
my social media manager. You hear that, And I'm going
to start answering some social media questions. If you'd like
(07:37):
to send me a relationship question. Remember I'm not a therapist.
I'm a psychology professor, but I've got lots of life wisdom.
Send me a question a DM on Instagram at d
R Wendy Walsh. I will keep your name anonymous and
I'll be happy to answer it on air when we
come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy wallsh Show
on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
You're listening to dot org Wendy Walsh on demand from
KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on KFI
AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
On that note, I do want to say you should
download the iHeartRadio app. If you're listening to me on
traditional AM radio, good for you. Yay your car still
has it. Who knows what the future is about. Many
other people listen to radio now on an app and
(08:24):
through Bluetooth in their car or wherever they are through
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and then there's a little button at the top called
pre Set. If you click the preset button, then if
you like, whenever you open the app, I will come
up first and any shows that you missed, because after
(08:46):
we go off air tonight and every Sunday night, producer
Kayla takes each hour of the show and puts it
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they're all there if you miss any if you want
to go back, I think she puts a little description
there you can scroll, et cetera. So you should be
following me on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
All right.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
With that said, this is the time of the show
where I answer your relationship questions that you sent to
me on social media. If you would like to send
me a question. The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
That's at Dr Wendy Walsh. We mostly during the show
check Instagram, but I'm on every social media find me
(09:27):
wherever you are. So here we go scrolling in. Hey,
doctor Wendy says this listener, my boyfriend did something that
really hurt me. They cut me so deep. Ooh. He cheated,
which is something I never thought he would do. While
I can forgive him, I don't really want to sleep
with him right now because I don't feel emotionally safe.
(09:50):
How can I best describe this to him in a
calm way? Well, first of all, I can understand why
you don't want to have physical intimacy with him, because
what you've lost is trust. And even though you say, well,
I can forgive him, but I'm not ready yet, it
means you're still in process. So I think the conversation
(10:11):
shouldn't be about here's why I'm not having sex with you,
and the conversation should more go like this, you know,
what happened between us has caused a breach in our trust,
and I don't know how to trust you again. I
don't know how long it'll take to be able to
trust you. So what can we do to fix this?
(10:37):
How can we fix this? How can you earn your
trust back? Now? If he tries this get over at
babes nonsense, then you shouldn't be with him. Is a
guy who's going to continue to hurt you? Right? If
he instead says I know how you feel, Let's take
some time, let's build it up again. I'm sorry, and
(10:58):
he shows real remorse, then you're on the way to
building trust again. But if he's like, I don't know,
that's up to you. You have to figure out a way, then,
you know what, maybe you shouldn't be with this person.
I always say the best predictor of somebody's future behavior
is their past behavior. I know, I know some people
say it's not true. Once a cheater, always a cheater, Yeah,
(11:22):
but it mostly is. I'm just gonna say that I'm sorry.
Mostly is all right. I'm sorry, baby, that happened to you.
I hope he gets his straight and you value yourself
enough to leave. If he doesn't. All right, move it along,
Dear doctor Wendy, I expect my boyfriend to pay for everything,
even though we are well beyond the courting phase. He
(11:45):
seems to be under the impression that once we're a
long term will be fifty to fifty. I will not.
How do we get on the same page? Okay, first
of all, is he a multi millionaire? And are you
a student? So you can have that attitude. Okay, you're
bettering yourself. He has lots of expendable income. But in
(12:07):
today's times, Lady Jane, most women are more educated and
make more money than most men. So what the conversation
you need to have is about income and about a
proportionate share of expenses. Right, if you are past the
courting phase, you're in a long term relationship. I don't
(12:28):
know where that long term begins in your mind, whether
it's six months later, a year later, or whatever, but
you need to have the conversation. I make this much,
you make that much, You make twice as much as me.
I think it's fair for you to pay twice this
amount of time. Or I make twice as much as you,
so maybe I should be contributing more. That's the conversation,
not this. You see what happens. The problem with so
(12:49):
many women is they hate patriarchy because it kept them
from getting ahead and making money. But yet when it
comes to their social lives, they keep patriarchy very firm
in their head. He should pay right, and I'm like, well,
should he pay one hundred percent of everything? Now? I
think the most important thing is that you have communication.
(13:10):
It's not that you need to be on the same page.
And it sounds like you're asking me how do I
get him to agree with me? But you need to
come to an agreement that's a deeper understanding about psychology
of money and also what it means to you in
terms of care. When somebody pays one hundred percent, if
they pay less, does that mean you feel less cared for?
(13:32):
Are there other ways that he can show his care?
For instance, I've said this many times. My husband loves
to do dishes, my husband loves to do laundry. I
say to people, he is worth his weight in gold.
He's a gold mine walking into my house. There you go,
all right, Dear doctor Wendy, Oh, it's a sex question.
(13:57):
I never orgasm with both with my both my boyfriend
both my boyfriends. Wait, you have two and I have
so easily with others we've been together. I think she
means with my boyfriend. I think the word both was
supposed to be there. I never orgasm with my boyfriend,
and I have so easily with others. We've been together
nine months. Is this a sign we aren't compatible? Well?
(14:19):
I would you know if you were to go see
a sex therapist. A sex therapist would probably say something like,
you need to have communication about your sexual needs. I also,
as a woman, just want to tell you that orgasm
takes place in our heads. It doesn't mean it's in
our imagination. It means that we have to have an
active fantasy life, especially in long term monogamy. So what
(14:40):
are you picturing in your head? Is your head working
through it? I don't know there's something that's stalling in you. Anyway.
A sex therapist, if you go see one, could probably
help you, guys, figure this out, and you could also
have a conversation about it and maybe express your needs
and what you like. Just say it, Uh okay, Dear
doctor Wendy, other of my children says, the only way
(15:02):
we could be together and be a family is if
I take him off child support? Should I? No, no, no,
I don't know anything else to say. No. So wait,
he's saying that if you make sure that he doesn't
(15:23):
have to pay child support, he'll live with you, pretend
to be your husband and not contribute anything. You're gonna
wait on his kindness and goodness to maybe contribute. No, No,
I think what you need to say to him is,
how about we work out an agreement, a post nuptial, prenuptial, whatever,
(15:47):
a living agreement that says how much you'll contribute to
the household, and then I'll take you off child support
and sign that with a witness and maybe an attorney.
You got sounds like this guy needs to have legally
bounding parenthood in order for him to parent. No, no, no,
don't do it. Don't do it? All right? When we
come back a question about texting, hmm, I've got some
(16:08):
thoughts on that. You are listening to the Dr Andy
Waalsh Show and KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Oh.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy wallsh Show on KFI
AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I
am answering your direct messages from Instagram. If you're on Instagram,
send me a DM. I will keep your identity a
secret anonymous. Uh, you just send it to at Dr
Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, and if I
(16:44):
don't get to it this week, we'll get to it
next week. You know, producer k that pulls him out. Okay.
Dear doctor Wendy, what are your thoughts on texting? First?
Is it a man's responsibility, does it matter? Is it
all a game? Or is he not interested? This is
an excellent question. I have very serious answers to this,
(17:04):
and I know you're thinking that she's going to say
it doesn't matter. It matters. So at a basic biological level,
sperm chases egg, not the reverse. An egg sits there
waiting to take applications or answer texts, and at the
same time, human beings value what they have to work for.
(17:26):
In your case, the work is in waiting, and while
you're waiting, you're liking a more because it's bothering you
that he's not texting back or at all. Right, it
ops his value in your eyes. So you know how
you will lose value by texting first and making it easy. Yes,
at the very beginning of relationship, a guy should always
(17:47):
text first. And if he doesn't, I'm sorry, baby girl,
he is not interested. You've got to move along. Does
it matter, Yes, it matters. Is it all a game.
It's a strategy, not a game. Look, you're on this
planet because your mother, your grandmother, your great grandmother had
great female mating strategies. So you got to have the
(18:09):
same strategy. And the strategy is walk away from a
dude who's non responsive if he's not texting you. That's
all you need to know. You don't need closure, you
don't need evidence. Just go away, Just forget them, lock them,
ghost them, godbye, go go go. All right, dear doctor Wendy,
do you think traditional marriage and children can be attained
(18:29):
in twenty twenty five? Ooh, that is a loaded question.
Let's talk about what traditional means. So some people believe
that traditional means that one heterosexual man and one heterosexual
woman meet in early life in their twenties, perhaps get married,
(18:50):
have Maybe it means traditional gender roles where the woman
stays home and cares for the home and children. The
man is the financial supporter, and they stay together until
two deaths to us part. This is the rarest thing
that has ever occurred in human history, even though this
mythology is a goal for so many people. So I
(19:12):
want us to throw out a notion of traditional and
tell you that that's actually a more recent invention in
the history of our species. Evolutionary psychologists would have called
us cooperative breeders, meaning that we raised children in a village.
We had uncles and aunties and cousins and sisters and
brothers and friends helping us raise those kids. There was
(19:35):
never huge pressure on one male and one female to
sit alone in a house in the suburbs and raise
two kids without the support of a village. So already
you've set this relationship up for failure. Secondly, this idea
that you're going to stay together till death due a
part is crazy because our life expectancies have gotten longer
(19:58):
and longer and longer, and even the most monogamous of
humans are going to find that they will have two
or three long stance of monogamy in their life. Hopefully
they can stay together long enough to raise some kids
and then the traditional gender role thing. While it is
great for many women to stay home and take care
of kids, I hope you have a good prenuptial agreement.
I hope you have a good marital contract because there's
(20:20):
no job security in that, there's no retirement plan in that.
So you've got to figure out a way that after
the kids are raised, you're going to be able to survive.
Not guaranteed that you're going to divorce, but fifty percent
of you will. Right, marriages are highly, highly fragile. So
your question, do you think traditional marriage and kids can
(20:42):
be attained in twenty twenty five? Let's throw out the
word traditional because it can mean so many different things.
There's so many different people. Do I think two young
people can make an intellectual commitment to each other after
feeling some level of attraction and love and choose to
stay in it until those kids are eighteen? Absolutely? Absolutely?
(21:05):
Will this person be your soulmate? Will this person be
glued to you until you die? Maybe? But probably not,
And that's okay, that's just how life is. So I
think what we need to do is analyze what our
idea of tradition is, right, Dear doctor Wendy, what are
(21:27):
your thoughts on dating outside of your race? What are
the biggest barriers? Well, I think race is not really
the question. It is cultural, right, If it's a different religion,
if the families have different cultural systems, then it's a
great opportunity if you're an open person to learn about
their culture. Skin color doesn't matter, right, That totally doesn't matter.
It's what customs and values a particular family has, and
(21:51):
that's what you want to explore together. You may know
that my kids are multiracial and it seems to be
mostly a non issue. You can ask them. It's there,
their issue, not mine. But a mom loves her kids
like she loves her kids. Right, all right, finally we
have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy, My partner
never says I love you first? Should I be worried?
(22:14):
Dudes usually don't. Okay, I'm thinking about it. How often
does Julio say I love you first? Probably?
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Never?
Speaker 1 (22:19):
But do I care? No? Our relationship is secure. How
about this? Why not have a conversation with him where
you say I notice that you never say I love
you first, or it feels like you don't remember because
he might sometimes and you're not recording it. It feels
like you don't say I love you first very much
and for some reason that makes me feel a little
(22:41):
bit insecure. Could you try saying it first sometimes? Or
can you say or do something to help me feel
more secure? I'm sorry, this is the way I am. Okay,
could we do that? That's all the conversation you have
to have. Just get clarity. Okay, you can do this
all right? When we come back. Do you think that
(23:02):
you are most sexy right before the bar closes? And
I'm not talking about how much you've had to drink.
I mean it's the time of night. Can you believe
somebody puts some research money into a study on this
And there's an answer, a new study called beauty is
in the eye of the beer holder, but rarely because
(23:23):
of the beer. Can't wait to talk about this when
we come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall
Show and KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Back to the Dr Wendywall Show and KFI AM six
forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. We are in
the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. I
want to remind you I'm always here every Sunday from
seven to nine pm. It is my pleasure. I've been
here for more than a decade. I continue to read
about the science of love and put the lessons into
practice in my own life and share them with you.
(24:01):
If you miss any part of the show, you can
always find it later on the iHeartRadio app. And you're
always welcome to follow me on social media. So this
quirky study I came across so hysterical. The studies called
beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, but
rarely because of the beer. Uh huh. What it showed
is that bar patrons say that they feel more attractive
right before the bar closes, no matter how much they've
(24:24):
had to drink. Okay, So, prior to this, other psychology
researchers previously documented something called the closing time effect, a
phenomenon where people at bars rate other people as more
attractive the closer to closing time. This makes a lot
of sense, right. The theory is that as the night
(24:44):
goes on, companion options dwindle. People go home they go
home with each other, they pair out, and it causes
people to unconsciously get a little fomo. They perceive potential
companions as more attractive because there are fewer of them,
so they have less p paradox of choice, a little
fear of missing out. If I don't find somebody tonight,
it might be never. So they don't want to have
(25:06):
to go home alone, and so they find far more
people attractive when it's close to quitting time, at last call. Right.
So this new study was kind of the opposite. These
researchers was done were done on This research was done
on people enjoying a night out at a Danish bar
(25:26):
in Denmark. I love the Danes. They do these kinds
of studies. So over the course of a few nights,
they interviewed a total of four hundred and seventy five
people in a bar who filled out surveys and they
asked them several questions, and some of the questions included
things like how much alcohol did you have tonight? How
drunk do you feel? Then they were asked to rate
their own attractiveness on a scale from one to seven. Now,
(25:52):
these researchers visited the bar in the afternoon, the evening,
and again late at night. And it was found people
who attended the bar at night rated themselves more attractive
than the early evening patrons or the afternoon patrons. In
other words, night patrons perceived themselves as more attractive regardless
(26:12):
of how much they drank or how drunk they felt. Okay, now,
there also were some sex differences. Surprise surprise the effect
if you would think that this should only work for
single people. First of all, right, that only single people
would be the ones going yeah, I'm pretty hot right
(26:34):
near the end. And what they found is that single
women definitely felt more attractive than married women, but relationship
status did not affect closing time effect among men. That
means all men felt sexy at night, married or not
always open for a tryst. I say so. The researchers
(26:56):
say this follows right along the lines of sexual strategies theory,
which says that men and women embrace different sexual strategies
when it comes to short term mating. Evolutionary psychologists believe
that women are more motivated to search for invested partners
who will care for their offspring. Men are more motivated
to attract many potential partners plant that seed, spray it everywhere. Okay,
(27:19):
I want to say something about this study. First of all,
there are some things that could have impacted this. They
didn't do all three surveys on a different time of
the night. They did it at lunch, they did it
at happy hour, and they did it at late night
for the bargoers. But what about doing it like at
eight pm and then ten pm and then one am.
(27:42):
They didn't do that, So how can they say it
has to do with closing time. It may just have
to do that. When you go out at night, you
feel more attractive. And you know why you feel more
attractive at night? The light is better. Listen, every woman
out there knows this. We all look better after the
sun goes down. We're like vampires. Some of us don't
come out until the sun cost it down. Right, People
(28:05):
look better at night also because they dress up. It's
not like if you see the lunchtime crowd, they're in
their work garb. Whatever. Of course they're gonna say, now,
I don't feel so attractive right now, I'm in work mode.
And maybe even the happy hour people, Oh I just
came from work. I don't feel so great right But
if you're going out on the town at night. You
dress up, you put on your high heels. You dudes
look great. You took a shower, you're all shaved, got
(28:27):
your edges done. You know, you dress up and the
lighting is way better. So of course people are going
to feel more attractive to themselves at night. There's also
other research to show that night owls, those people that
stay up late, tend to have more narcissistic traits. Oh
just saying this is a little bit of a correlation
between that night owls and narcissistic traits. WHOA. Anyway, maybe
(28:51):
we all do feel cute or as the night goes on,
and maybe it doesn't have to do with how much
we're drinking. Hey, that brings the Doctor Wendy wallsh show
to a close. As I said earlier, if you have
missed any part of the show, easyps you just download
the iHeartRadio app. You search Doctor Wendy Walsh and you
click on a little button called preset. That means every
(29:12):
time you open the app, I come up first. But
about I don't know. An hour after the show. I
think producer Kayla puts every show on the iHeartRadio app.
As a doctor Wendy on demand, so you need to
go on there and get an If you missed any
part of the show, just go on listen to it.
It's always a treat. Also during the week, if you
want to follow me on social media and send me
(29:33):
any relationship questions as DMS, You're welcome to follow me
at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. I've been
looking at Instagram a lot lately and I'm happy to
answer your relationships. But I'm always here for you every
Sunday on KFI. Thanks for being with me. You've been
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
(29:54):
six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us
live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine
pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio App. We're talking about what couples really fight about,
the three c's that underlie every single argument. First up
(00:21):
was care. People are really asking to just be cared
for all. The second is credit, Just acknowledge them, show gratitude,
give credit where credit is due. And finally there's control.
Now this is a tricky one because control is annoying.
It shows up as micromanaging, bossy behavior, or one partner
(00:42):
keeping score, and underneath it all is anxiety. Maybe that
partner feels powerless in some area of life. Maybe the
relationship is the one space where they try to regain control.
So here's the important part. Instead stead of labeling it
as controlling behavior, I want you to try to look
(01:04):
a little deeper and ask yourself why are they micromanaging?
What are they afraid of losing? Here and often that
need for control is a cry for stability, certainty, or fairness,
right So at the end of the day, no matter
(01:25):
what you're arguing about, I want you to ask yourself
and really ask your partner your partner's upset about any small,
silly thing. Instead of criticizing them and saying you're making
a mountain out of a mole hill, what's this really about?
I want you to say what do you need from
me right now? And use that tone of voice, not okay, fine,
(01:46):
what do you need? No? No, no, no no, how
can I help you right now? Honey? What do you
need right now? This cuts through the noise, It shifts
the conversation from blame to vulnerability, and when both partners
can finally learn how to spot that there's a need
for care, credit, or control, they can stop fighting over
(02:11):
the content and start addressing the connection. Remember, the goal
of having a healthy relationship isn't to avoid conflict. Okay,
conflict is good and it's healthy, and intimacy as good
is to have healthy repair. Right, So after the yelling
and the bickering, it's time to say, I love you,
I'm sorry, how can I help you? What do you
(02:34):
need right So the next time you hear your partner
say you always leave your dishes in the sink. I
want you to take a deep breath, and I want
you to ask yourself. Are they asking me to care?
Are they asking me to appreciate them? Or are they
asking me to help them control the chaos, the mess
in the kitchen? Right, think about care, credit and control.
(02:58):
Write that down, care, credit and control. All right, let's
move along. I was reading this article. I can't remember
where it was written by doctor Mark Travers, a psychologist
who specializes in the research on relationships. He happens to
hold degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder.
Like I said, there's amazing relationship researchers around the world,
(03:21):
and I love to report on their work. And he'd
written an article saying that in all the healthy happy
couples he studied that there are five things that couples
do healthy happy couples do on the weekends. You ready
for it? Five things? Yeah? You can keep scoreing this
number one. This is the hard one. I know. They
mostly put their phones away, right, A couple who spends
(03:43):
a whole lot of time together, but they're always distracted
by their texts. This is not good. Or if they're
on emails or social media. This isn't a happy couple, right.
It's interesting. I have a social media manager and she
called me last week because you need to be on
social media more. You need to be responding to people,
you need to be put in comments, you need to
answer the questions and blah blah blah. And I'm thinking,
but I'm happy now. I have a life. Honestly, I
(04:07):
care about you guys. I'll get back on social media more.
But carving out one on one time without technology is
so important to a happy, healthy relationship. And there's different
times couples might do. It might be like during their
morning coffee. So I'll tell you my favorite thing we do.
So I'm actually on my phone at this time. But
when we wake up in the morning, Julio actually needs
(04:29):
more sleep than I do, which is rare. So I
get up and I make myself my latte. I crawl
back in bed, and I read sometimes on my phone,
but I like to just touch toes and cuddle with
him and wait for him to slowly wake up. And
in a weird way, this is a connection. And when
he wakes up, I obviously put my phone down and
(04:49):
then we talk and say good morning and all that
kind of stuff. So put your phones away on the weekends,
all right. The other thing healthy couples do is they
engage in parallel play. Now, if your parent you know
what that is. Small children don't often engage with each
other at the park, but they parallel play. They do
what's fun for them right beside the other. They have
company while they're doing what they like to do. So
(05:10):
one of the things Julio likes to do on those
mornings that he does get up early, is he likes
to watch the Formula one races. So, and we were
watching horse races the other day. Boy, that jockey with
the pink hat. Did you watch that race? I don't
even know what it was, but that horse was way
at the back and he pushed down almost those other
two almost fell down, and he won the race. Anyway,
(05:30):
I sit there doing the things I like to do,
whether it's reading, whether it's writing, whether it's you know,
just sipping a cup of tea and daydreaming and thinking
about my dreams. But I sit with him while he
does what he likes. It's parallel play. Right. Sometimes I'll
be gardening and he will, like we garden together at
(05:52):
our farm, and he'll do the heavy labor. I'll do
the light stuff. We come back together. He may tinker
with his car in the garage and I may be
gardening just outside the garage. But we're kind of parallel
playing together. We know each other are there. It wouldn't
be the same doing it alone without the person nearby,
but we don't necessarily have to engage. The other thing
(06:13):
healthy couples do is they create rituals together. We have
silly rituals, like he's down the hall right now. He
likes to come to work with me on Sundays. He
brings his computer, he does his work. But we have
a ritual of how we drive to work, what time
we leave. We stop at Whole Foods, we get a snack,
We do this whole thing. It's like our Sunday rituals.
Some people go to church, he comes to work with me.
(06:34):
So there you go. Create a weekend ritual. Number four
couples make a sex schedule. Listen, this is not unromantic.
Sex is never spontaneous. When you're in long term committed monogamy,
don't expect it to just happen. You must talk about it.
You must put it on the schedule, and the last
(06:54):
one is healthy couples laugh on purpose. I'm not. I'm
like a curmudgeon old Irish Catholic and he's a like
giggily Dominican, and so he manages to make lightness and
laughter out of so many things. Right. So, during the
(07:15):
week I know you look for things to stress over,
but on the weekends, I want you to take those
glasses off and focus on what's funny about your life,
what is joyful about your life? All right? When we
come back, I am heading to my social media see December,
my social media manager. You hear that, And I'm going
to start answering some social media questions. If you'd like
(07:37):
to send me a relationship question. Remember I'm not a therapist.
I'm a psychology professor, but I've got lots of life wisdom.
Send me a question a DM on Instagram at d
R Wendy Walsh. I will keep your name anonymous and
I'll be happy to answer it on air when we
come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy wallsh Show
on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
You're listening to dot org Wendy Walsh on demand from
KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on KFI
AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
On that note, I do want to say you should
download the iHeartRadio app. If you're listening to me on
traditional AM radio, good for you. Yay your car still
has it. Who knows what the future is about. Many
other people listen to radio now on an app and
(08:24):
through Bluetooth in their car or wherever they are through
their headset. So what you can do is download the
iHeart Radio app. Then you search my name, doctor Wendy Walsh,
and then there's a little button at the top called
pre Set. If you click the preset button, then if
you like, whenever you open the app, I will come
up first and any shows that you missed, because after
(08:46):
we go off air tonight and every Sunday night, producer
Kayla takes each hour of the show and puts it
up as a podcast called Doctor Wendy on Demand, So
they're all there if you miss any if you want
to go back, I think she puts a little description
there you can scroll, et cetera. So you should be
following me on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
All right.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
With that said, this is the time of the show
where I answer your relationship questions that you sent to
me on social media. If you would like to send
me a question. The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
That's at Dr Wendy Walsh. We mostly during the show
check Instagram, but I'm on every social media find me
(09:27):
wherever you are. So here we go scrolling in. Hey,
doctor Wendy says this listener, my boyfriend did something that
really hurt me. They cut me so deep. Ooh. He cheated,
which is something I never thought he would do. While
I can forgive him, I don't really want to sleep
with him right now because I don't feel emotionally safe.
(09:50):
How can I best describe this to him in a
calm way? Well, first of all, I can understand why
you don't want to have physical intimacy with him, because
what you've lost is trust. And even though you say, well,
I can forgive him, but I'm not ready yet, it
means you're still in process. So I think the conversation
(10:11):
shouldn't be about here's why I'm not having sex with you,
and the conversation should more go like this, you know,
what happened between us has caused a breach in our trust,
and I don't know how to trust you again. I
don't know how long it'll take to be able to
trust you. So what can we do to fix this?
(10:37):
How can we fix this? How can you earn your
trust back? Now? If he tries this get over at
babes nonsense, then you shouldn't be with him. Is a
guy who's going to continue to hurt you? Right? If
he instead says I know how you feel, Let's take
some time, let's build it up again. I'm sorry, and
(10:58):
he shows real remorse, then you're on the way to
building trust again. But if he's like, I don't know,
that's up to you. You have to figure out a way, then,
you know what, maybe you shouldn't be with this person.
I always say the best predictor of somebody's future behavior
is their past behavior. I know, I know some people
say it's not true. Once a cheater, always a cheater, Yeah,
(11:22):
but it mostly is. I'm just gonna say that I'm sorry.
Mostly is all right. I'm sorry, baby, that happened to you.
I hope he gets his straight and you value yourself
enough to leave. If he doesn't. All right, move it along,
Dear doctor Wendy, I expect my boyfriend to pay for everything,
even though we are well beyond the courting phase. He
(11:45):
seems to be under the impression that once we're a
long term will be fifty to fifty. I will not.
How do we get on the same page? Okay, first
of all, is he a multi millionaire? And are you
a student? So you can have that attitude. Okay, you're
bettering yourself. He has lots of expendable income. But in
(12:07):
today's times, Lady Jane, most women are more educated and
make more money than most men. So what the conversation
you need to have is about income and about a
proportionate share of expenses. Right, if you are past the
courting phase, you're in a long term relationship. I don't
(12:28):
know where that long term begins in your mind, whether
it's six months later, a year later, or whatever, but
you need to have the conversation. I make this much,
you make that much, You make twice as much as me.
I think it's fair for you to pay twice this
amount of time. Or I make twice as much as you,
so maybe I should be contributing more. That's the conversation,
not this. You see what happens. The problem with so
(12:49):
many women is they hate patriarchy because it kept them
from getting ahead and making money. But yet when it
comes to their social lives, they keep patriarchy very firm
in their head. He should pay right, and I'm like, well,
should he pay one hundred percent of everything? Now? I
think the most important thing is that you have communication.
(13:10):
It's not that you need to be on the same page.
And it sounds like you're asking me how do I
get him to agree with me? But you need to
come to an agreement that's a deeper understanding about psychology
of money and also what it means to you in
terms of care. When somebody pays one hundred percent, if
they pay less, does that mean you feel less cared for?
(13:32):
Are there other ways that he can show his care?
For instance, I've said this many times. My husband loves
to do dishes, my husband loves to do laundry. I
say to people, he is worth his weight in gold.
He's a gold mine walking into my house. There you go,
all right, Dear doctor Wendy, Oh, it's a sex question.
(13:57):
I never orgasm with both with my both my boyfriend
both my boyfriends. Wait, you have two and I have
so easily with others we've been together. I think she
means with my boyfriend. I think the word both was
supposed to be there. I never orgasm with my boyfriend,
and I have so easily with others. We've been together
nine months. Is this a sign we aren't compatible? Well?
(14:19):
I would you know if you were to go see
a sex therapist. A sex therapist would probably say something like,
you need to have communication about your sexual needs. I also,
as a woman, just want to tell you that orgasm
takes place in our heads. It doesn't mean it's in
our imagination. It means that we have to have an
active fantasy life, especially in long term monogamy. So what
(14:40):
are you picturing in your head? Is your head working
through it? I don't know there's something that's stalling in you. Anyway.
A sex therapist, if you go see one, could probably
help you, guys, figure this out, and you could also
have a conversation about it and maybe express your needs
and what you like. Just say it, Uh okay, Dear
doctor Wendy, other of my children says, the only way
(15:02):
we could be together and be a family is if
I take him off child support? Should I? No, no, no,
I don't know anything else to say. No. So wait,
he's saying that if you make sure that he doesn't
(15:23):
have to pay child support, he'll live with you, pretend
to be your husband and not contribute anything. You're gonna
wait on his kindness and goodness to maybe contribute. No, No,
I think what you need to say to him is,
how about we work out an agreement, a post nuptial, prenuptial, whatever,
(15:47):
a living agreement that says how much you'll contribute to
the household, and then I'll take you off child support
and sign that with a witness and maybe an attorney.
You got sounds like this guy needs to have legally
bounding parenthood in order for him to parent. No, no, no,
don't do it. Don't do it? All right? When we
come back a question about texting, hmm, I've got some
(16:08):
thoughts on that. You are listening to the Dr Andy
Waalsh Show and KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Oh.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy wallsh Show on KFI
AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I
am answering your direct messages from Instagram. If you're on Instagram,
send me a DM. I will keep your identity a
secret anonymous. Uh, you just send it to at Dr
Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, and if I
(16:44):
don't get to it this week, we'll get to it
next week. You know, producer k that pulls him out. Okay.
Dear doctor Wendy, what are your thoughts on texting? First?
Is it a man's responsibility, does it matter? Is it
all a game? Or is he not interested? This is
an excellent question. I have very serious answers to this,
(17:04):
and I know you're thinking that she's going to say
it doesn't matter. It matters. So at a basic biological level,
sperm chases egg, not the reverse. An egg sits there
waiting to take applications or answer texts, and at the
same time, human beings value what they have to work for.
(17:26):
In your case, the work is in waiting, and while
you're waiting, you're liking a more because it's bothering you
that he's not texting back or at all. Right, it
ops his value in your eyes. So you know how
you will lose value by texting first and making it easy. Yes,
at the very beginning of relationship, a guy should always
(17:47):
text first. And if he doesn't, I'm sorry, baby girl,
he is not interested. You've got to move along. Does
it matter, Yes, it matters. Is it all a game.
It's a strategy, not a game. Look, you're on this
planet because your mother, your grandmother, your great grandmother had
great female mating strategies. So you got to have the
(18:09):
same strategy. And the strategy is walk away from a
dude who's non responsive if he's not texting you. That's
all you need to know. You don't need closure, you
don't need evidence. Just go away, Just forget them, lock them,
ghost them, godbye, go go go. All right, dear doctor Wendy,
do you think traditional marriage and children can be attained
(18:29):
in twenty twenty five? Ooh, that is a loaded question.
Let's talk about what traditional means. So some people believe
that traditional means that one heterosexual man and one heterosexual
woman meet in early life in their twenties, perhaps get married,
(18:50):
have Maybe it means traditional gender roles where the woman
stays home and cares for the home and children. The
man is the financial supporter, and they stay together until
two deaths to us part. This is the rarest thing
that has ever occurred in human history, even though this
mythology is a goal for so many people. So I
(19:12):
want us to throw out a notion of traditional and
tell you that that's actually a more recent invention in
the history of our species. Evolutionary psychologists would have called
us cooperative breeders, meaning that we raised children in a village.
We had uncles and aunties and cousins and sisters and
brothers and friends helping us raise those kids. There was
(19:35):
never huge pressure on one male and one female to
sit alone in a house in the suburbs and raise
two kids without the support of a village. So already
you've set this relationship up for failure. Secondly, this idea
that you're going to stay together till death due a
part is crazy because our life expectancies have gotten longer
(19:58):
and longer and longer, and even the most monogamous of
humans are going to find that they will have two
or three long stance of monogamy in their life. Hopefully
they can stay together long enough to raise some kids
and then the traditional gender role thing. While it is
great for many women to stay home and take care
of kids, I hope you have a good prenuptial agreement.
I hope you have a good marital contract because there's
(20:20):
no job security in that, there's no retirement plan in that.
So you've got to figure out a way that after
the kids are raised, you're going to be able to survive.
Not guaranteed that you're going to divorce, but fifty percent
of you will. Right, marriages are highly, highly fragile. So
your question, do you think traditional marriage and kids can
(20:42):
be attained in twenty twenty five? Let's throw out the
word traditional because it can mean so many different things.
There's so many different people. Do I think two young
people can make an intellectual commitment to each other after
feeling some level of attraction and love and choose to
stay in it until those kids are eighteen? Absolutely? Absolutely?
(21:05):
Will this person be your soulmate? Will this person be
glued to you until you die? Maybe? But probably not,
And that's okay, that's just how life is. So I
think what we need to do is analyze what our
idea of tradition is, right, Dear doctor Wendy, what are
(21:27):
your thoughts on dating outside of your race? What are
the biggest barriers? Well, I think race is not really
the question. It is cultural, right, If it's a different religion,
if the families have different cultural systems, then it's a
great opportunity if you're an open person to learn about
their culture. Skin color doesn't matter, right, That totally doesn't matter.
It's what customs and values a particular family has, and
(21:51):
that's what you want to explore together. You may know
that my kids are multiracial and it seems to be
mostly a non issue. You can ask them. It's there,
their issue, not mine. But a mom loves her kids
like she loves her kids. Right, all right, finally we
have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy, My partner
never says I love you first? Should I be worried?
(22:14):
Dudes usually don't. Okay, I'm thinking about it. How often
does Julio say I love you first? Probably?
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Never?
Speaker 1 (22:19):
But do I care? No? Our relationship is secure. How
about this? Why not have a conversation with him where
you say I notice that you never say I love
you first, or it feels like you don't remember because
he might sometimes and you're not recording it. It feels
like you don't say I love you first very much
and for some reason that makes me feel a little
(22:41):
bit insecure. Could you try saying it first sometimes? Or
can you say or do something to help me feel
more secure? I'm sorry, this is the way I am. Okay,
could we do that? That's all the conversation you have
to have. Just get clarity. Okay, you can do this
all right? When we come back. Do you think that
(23:02):
you are most sexy right before the bar closes? And
I'm not talking about how much you've had to drink.
I mean it's the time of night. Can you believe
somebody puts some research money into a study on this
And there's an answer, a new study called beauty is
in the eye of the beer holder, but rarely because
(23:23):
of the beer. Can't wait to talk about this when
we come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall
Show and KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Back to the Dr Wendywall Show and KFI AM six
forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. We are in
the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. I
want to remind you I'm always here every Sunday from
seven to nine pm. It is my pleasure. I've been
here for more than a decade. I continue to read
about the science of love and put the lessons into
practice in my own life and share them with you.
(24:01):
If you miss any part of the show, you can
always find it later on the iHeartRadio app. And you're
always welcome to follow me on social media. So this
quirky study I came across so hysterical. The studies called
beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, but
rarely because of the beer. Uh huh. What it showed
is that bar patrons say that they feel more attractive
right before the bar closes, no matter how much they've
(24:24):
had to drink. Okay, So, prior to this, other psychology
researchers previously documented something called the closing time effect, a
phenomenon where people at bars rate other people as more
attractive the closer to closing time. This makes a lot
of sense, right. The theory is that as the night
(24:44):
goes on, companion options dwindle. People go home they go
home with each other, they pair out, and it causes
people to unconsciously get a little fomo. They perceive potential
companions as more attractive because there are fewer of them,
so they have less p paradox of choice, a little
fear of missing out. If I don't find somebody tonight,
it might be never. So they don't want to have
(25:06):
to go home alone, and so they find far more
people attractive when it's close to quitting time, at last call. Right.
So this new study was kind of the opposite. These
researchers was done were done on This research was done
on people enjoying a night out at a Danish bar
(25:26):
in Denmark. I love the Danes. They do these kinds
of studies. So over the course of a few nights,
they interviewed a total of four hundred and seventy five
people in a bar who filled out surveys and they
asked them several questions, and some of the questions included
things like how much alcohol did you have tonight? How
drunk do you feel? Then they were asked to rate
their own attractiveness on a scale from one to seven. Now,
(25:52):
these researchers visited the bar in the afternoon, the evening,
and again late at night. And it was found people
who attended the bar at night rated themselves more attractive
than the early evening patrons or the afternoon patrons. In
other words, night patrons perceived themselves as more attractive regardless
(26:12):
of how much they drank or how drunk they felt. Okay, now,
there also were some sex differences. Surprise surprise the effect
if you would think that this should only work for
single people. First of all, right, that only single people
would be the ones going yeah, I'm pretty hot right
(26:34):
near the end. And what they found is that single
women definitely felt more attractive than married women, but relationship
status did not affect closing time effect among men. That
means all men felt sexy at night, married or not
always open for a tryst. I say so. The researchers
(26:56):
say this follows right along the lines of sexual strategies theory,
which says that men and women embrace different sexual strategies
when it comes to short term mating. Evolutionary psychologists believe
that women are more motivated to search for invested partners
who will care for their offspring. Men are more motivated
to attract many potential partners plant that seed, spray it everywhere. Okay,
(27:19):
I want to say something about this study. First of all,
there are some things that could have impacted this. They
didn't do all three surveys on a different time of
the night. They did it at lunch, they did it
at happy hour, and they did it at late night
for the bargoers. But what about doing it like at
eight pm and then ten pm and then one am.
(27:42):
They didn't do that, So how can they say it
has to do with closing time. It may just have
to do that. When you go out at night, you
feel more attractive. And you know why you feel more
attractive at night? The light is better. Listen, every woman
out there knows this. We all look better after the
sun goes down. We're like vampires. Some of us don't
come out until the sun cost it down. Right, People
(28:05):
look better at night also because they dress up. It's
not like if you see the lunchtime crowd, they're in
their work garb. Whatever. Of course they're gonna say, now,
I don't feel so attractive right now, I'm in work mode.
And maybe even the happy hour people, Oh I just
came from work. I don't feel so great right But
if you're going out on the town at night. You
dress up, you put on your high heels. You dudes
look great. You took a shower, you're all shaved, got
(28:27):
your edges done. You know, you dress up and the
lighting is way better. So of course people are going
to feel more attractive to themselves at night. There's also
other research to show that night owls, those people that
stay up late, tend to have more narcissistic traits. Oh
just saying this is a little bit of a correlation
between that night owls and narcissistic traits. WHOA. Anyway, maybe
(28:51):
we all do feel cute or as the night goes on,
and maybe it doesn't have to do with how much
we're drinking. Hey, that brings the Doctor Wendy wallsh show
to a close. As I said earlier, if you have
missed any part of the show, easyps you just download
the iHeartRadio app. You search Doctor Wendy Walsh and you
click on a little button called preset. That means every
(29:12):
time you open the app, I come up first. But
about I don't know. An hour after the show. I
think producer Kayla puts every show on the iHeartRadio app.
As a doctor Wendy on demand, so you need to
go on there and get an If you missed any
part of the show, just go on listen to it.
It's always a treat. Also during the week, if you
want to follow me on social media and send me
(29:33):
any relationship questions as DMS, You're welcome to follow me
at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. I've been
looking at Instagram a lot lately and I'm happy to
answer your relationships. But I'm always here for you every
Sunday on KFI. Thanks for being with me. You've been
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
(29:54):
six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us
live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine
pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
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