Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her driveby makeshift relationship advice. PLUS love is hardwork and what are arbitrary-versaries? It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio App. And remember, we will continue to keep
you informed about the Los Angeles protest in their third
day now, where the National Guard troops have had tense
(00:23):
standoffs with protesters. The governor and Mayor Bass have been
involved calling for order. We are going to continue to
cover this as we return to my content my show,
which is about the science of love. We are answering
your relationship questions sent to me via direct message on
(00:44):
my instagram if you want to send me a message.
The instagram is at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
All right, dear Doctor Wendy, My girlfriend gets really flirty
when we go out. She says she's just being friendly.
But I feel comfortable. Should I speak up or let
it go? Where are you gonna let it go to?
(01:06):
I just want to say that it's still gonna be there.
You're gonna observe it, You're gonna have feelings with it. Yes,
you should speak up. Here's the problem. People are afraid
to speak up about when they see somebody being flirty
because they think it's gonna make them look weak and insecure, Like, baby,
why are you always flirting with the other guys? I
don't like that. Uh, But there are other ways to
(01:28):
say it, like, hey, so you're in a committed a
relationship with me, and oh, by the way, you have
to comment on something actual, concrete. You can't do a
general I think you're flirty. Whenever we go out, should
be like, I'm not flirty. When do you mean I'm flirty?
You have to literally say. The other night, when we
were at that restaurant and you were chatting for a
(01:50):
long time with Chad, I noticed that you were very
close in his personal space, and when you would comment
and laugh, you would touch him. This looked kind of flirtatious,
and I think he could have gotten the wrong idea
from you because we're in a committed relationship. I also
feel it was a little disrespectful to me, So let's
(02:11):
talk about your behavior in public. If you don't want
to be in this relationship in public, then we need
to talk about that. Right, that's the conversation that needs
to have there. Okay, it doesn't look weak to say
I felt a little disrespected. That's not okay, And I
think you're misleading people around you, right, all right, moving
(02:33):
along into the dms. Oh, here's one I like this one.
Dear doctor Wendy, My partner's best friend. Partner's best friend
is someone, Oh he used to hook up with. Uh huh,
he says it's in the past. Am I wrong for
feeling uneasy about that? This is like the question I
(02:56):
answered earlier? Is this person still their emotional I mean,
there's so much research to show that usually a physical
affair affair causes less damage to a relationship than an
emotional affair.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
So that's really the question.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Do you worry that he's betraying secrecies, intimacies about your
relationship with that person? Right, that's what you have to
ask yourself. Where is his emotional lifeline? And this question
so many people ask us, am I wrong for feeling
just that sentence shouldn't exist in English language. No feelings
(03:36):
are right or wrong, No feelings are good or bad.
They're just messengers telling you something. They're telling you that
this isn't right for you. It doesn't sit well with you,
So you need to bring it up.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
All right?
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Moving along, Dear doctor Wendy. I feel like I'm always
giving in this relationship. I'm giving emotionally, I'm giving, financially,
I'm giving everything. How do I bring it up without
starting a fight?
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Oh? Oh, this is a can of worms.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Everything I needed to know about you I learned in
this last sentence. How do I bring it up without
starting a fight? Your fear of conflict, which ultimately could
lead to abandonment. Your fear of abandonment is bigger than
(04:28):
your fear of stating your needs. Right. You are so
afraid that there's going to be an explosive fight and
it'll all be over, that you're just going to give
and give and give and what Just be in love
with hope. Just be in love with hope. Like we
talked about earlier, the witness named Jane from the p
(04:50):
Didty trial. She gave and gave and gave to the
point where she was a broken, broken person because she
didn't want to lose Sean P.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Diddy.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
So how much are you going to give? When are
you going to grow backbone? When you're going to grow boundary?
When are you going to be able to know that
it's okay if takers leave right, it's okay, It's okay
to fight.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
You know what.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
There's healthy fighting too, and healthy conflict. Once you learn
that and set up some boundaries, then you'll be able
to have a healthy relationship. But sitting around waiting and
being in love with hope, hope that they'll change, hope
that they'll start giving, is going to do nothing. So okay,
I will answer one question, how do I bring it up?
I'm going to eliminate the second part of that question
(05:41):
without starting a fight because you have no idea what
the reaction is going to be, So just how do
I bring it up? Will you bring it up? When
both of you are calm, well rested, not hungry and hungry, angry,
lonely or tired, and you sit down as a good
moment and you say, it feels like I give a
lot in this relationship emotionally and financially and name some
(06:02):
other things, and I'm wondering when you're going to reciprocate
that's all you do? Will there be a fight? Maybe
because takers are trying to make you feel bad about
having feelings, just say it.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Good luck to you. You should bring it up.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
And if you have to move along to somebody who's
not such a taker, that's a great idea. All right,
I think we have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy.
Every time I succeed at something, my boyfriend seems weirdly
distant and called, Oh, is that jealousy or am I
reading into it? No?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Yeah, it's his own insecurity. That's what it is. He
is insecure. So yeah, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
You've got to bring it up in that way, Like say,
I noticed that when I accomplished this or I did that,
it felt like you really, you know, uh didn't really
praise me for it, or you felt intimidated or something.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Can you tell me what your feelings were around that? Right?
Speaker 1 (07:04):
I remember one time I had a boyfriend. He was
in the restaurant business, and I literally said I was
driving my bike on the bike path in La and
there was this restaurant that was going out of business,
and I literally said to him, oh my god, that.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Is such a pretty location.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
And I had just gotten through culinary school and I said, ah,
I dream of opening a little restaurant like that.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
He got so mad.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
He goes, I'm a professional restauranteur and you're telling me.
He goes like me saying, I'm going to go be
a news anchor. And I said, well, if you wanted
to and that was your passion, I would hear you
on for that. So weird, he felt so insecure. I
guess he was afraid I was going to open up
a restaurant that would do better than him his Who knows. Hey,
(07:48):
when we come back, let us talk about the most
joyful and hard work on the planet, and that is
the hard work of love. Listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Welcome back to the Doctor Lindey Walls Show. I'm ki
AM six forty, live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
You know, one time I was going through a you know,
at Gelson's, the cashier, and it was just before Thanksgiving,
and there was an older lady in front of me.
I was like a young single mom, and I was
feeling overwhelmed with all the turkey and the side dishes
and whatever, and she had all her stuff for Thanksgiving
and I just made a comment to create commonality what
(08:42):
you do as strangers in public. And I said, oh,
it's so much work for Thanksgiving and she said, oh, dear,
but it's joyful work, isn't it. And I thought, wow,
there's some work that can be joyful this week. Well,
And actually I did it over the course of a
weeks because it took so long. I dug out all
(09:03):
the poop in my goat pen and power washed it
and put fresh shavings down. I'm going to do it
every month from now on because it's so great that
it's so clean. And I was sweating just taking the
wheelbarrow full of you know what to.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
The compost pile.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
It was so much physical labor, but it was joyful work, right.
I was taking care of my kids, literally kids on
baby goats. So sometimes hard work can be joyful, and
probably no better kind of joyful hard work than the
(09:39):
work of love. People will say about their relationships, you know, oh,
you know, relationships are work. Yeah, they do take work.
So let's talk about what kind of work we're talking about,
you know, the biggest work.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
And I hear people when I say, oh, why did
you break up? Over? Why did you divorce? What happened?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
They throw this blanket word out that is supposed to
explain their entire marriage and the downfall. And that blanket
word is communication. We just have bad communication. Well, nearly
half of all adults and relationships say that they really
do struggle to express their emotional needs. And the research
(10:20):
is clear silence can sap connection over time.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
I've had women say to me, you know what, I
just stopped trying because I was so exhausted because my
partner just kept tuning out. Right, So let's talk about
some of the mindsets that you may have that may
hurt your love life. And then let's talk about a
prescription of what I think the good work, the joyful
(10:48):
work of love is. So the first bad mindset is
this idea about destiny.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
According to research from the University of Baselos who believe
in soulmates are actually more satisfied wait for it, wait
for it at the beginning of their relationship. But for
people who treat their relationships as a work in progress,
they're more content in the long run.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Ooh, I like this all right?
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Here's another thing that can another thought mindset that can
hurt your love life. Thinking that the emotional labor imbalance
is okay, right, this idea that women hold all the
emotional keys, that women should bear the emotional load alone.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Believe it or not, it.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Wasn't until recent decades that we started going, oh, so
dudes have feelings. Oh so dudes can express their feelings. Wow,
they just need to learn the words. Now, I will say,
if you're one of those feeling dudes who's always been
a good communicator, you My husband, I think has always
(12:03):
been that way. He says he hasn't. He said, it's
something he learned in recent years.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
So there you go.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
You can't teach an old dog nutrix. So there's also
this emotional labor imbalance. But there's also the equality trap,
and that's the physical labor imbalance. If you believe in
this day and age that one gender should I'll just
stop right there at the words should one gender should
and the other gender should do anything, You're gonna have
(12:29):
problems in your relationship and the work is going to
be very difficult.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
The final thing is people believe they need to sacrifice
for love. Now, compromise for love, sure, but sacrifice. You're
suddenly romanticizing being a martyr.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
You need to learn how to get your how to
express your needs. First of all, how to believe that
your needs are worthy and be able to express them.
All Right, So let's talk about a bullet prove prescription
for what you can do to do the healthy work
of love. First of all, shift your mindset. Cupid didn't
(13:10):
come down with his bow. You weren't anointed by a
fairy glitter. It didn't just happen. Your partnership is like
a garden. It's not a fairy tale. You got to
plant importancy. You gotta water, You got to fertilize it.
And don't only water the weeds because then they grow bigger. Also,
I know you think it sounds unromantic, but you have
(13:33):
to schedule your connection. Research shows that you need to
spend Are you sitting down. It's not a big number
to me, It might sound like a big number to you.
About six hours a week, six hours a week just
focusing on your relationship. That doesn't mean going to a
movie together and counting those two hours in the theater
(13:54):
as your relationship. I mean talking to each other one
on one that's a little less than an hour a day,
okay for emotional check ins, planning time together, and during
this scheduling of connections, hopefully there's some physical touch going on.
And when you are communicating, you want to be using
(14:15):
those feel words. I feel you know when X happens,
I feel this, don't say you make me feel no,
because nobody can make you have a feeling. You have
your own honest feelings that came you deserve to have them. Great,
somebody made you have a feeling. So when X happens,
I feel this, how could we find a solution or
would you be willing to change this so that I
(14:36):
wouldn't feel so bad? That's how healthy people communicate right. Also,
check your tone, Be calm, be respectful. Remember how much
you loved this person when you first began to date.
Remember how special they were to you, So stop blaming
them and calling them names. Be gentle. They are somebody's child.
(14:59):
Their heart is in your hands. Also, don't demand you
need to I want you to do more of No no, no, no, no,
How about asking would you consider doing this or how
would you feel if we did this? Right?
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Try to get them in touch with their feelings. Right.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Also, I say this all the time. Acknowledge them, Acknowledge them,
Acknowledge them, their efforts, their efforts, their efter Thank you
for texting, thank you for letting me know, thank you
for doing that. Oh I so respect that you did that.
That is amazing. I feel like I thank Julio for
things all day long. Let me tell you something. Relationships
(15:40):
don't thrive on magic, fairy dust, Cupid's bow, the planets aligning,
soulmates finding each other. They are an exchange of care
and they thrive on consistent care, honest communication. Oh and
(16:00):
that big one empathy. So it's not about those big
grand gestures. It's just about showing up for about an
hour a day and focusing on your relationship. That is
the joyful work of love. So if you're looking for
ideas of how to invest in your relationship, when we
come back, let's talk about a new trend that is
(16:21):
happening with.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Lots of couples called the arbitrary versary.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
Let's talk about it when we come back, and remember,
we will continue to keep you informed about the Los
Angeles protest in their third day now, where the National
Guard troops have had tense standoffs with protesters. The governor
and Mayor Bass have been involved calling for order. We
are going to continue to cover this. You're listening to
(16:45):
the Doctor Ndywall Show on KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendywall
Show on kfive AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Don't forget that.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Download the iHeartRadio App, then you search Dr Wendy Walsh
and then there's this little button called the pre set button.
You click on that and if you ever miss any
part of the show, it doesn't matter. You just open
that app and it'll go right to where you left
off last time. It'll always be there because you're pre set.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Get it.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Dr Wendy Walls Show on the iHeartRadio App. We're talking
about the science of love here on the Dr Wendy
Walls Show. But that doesn't mean we're going to stop
covering those important social unrest. The protests that are happening
around Los Angeles have been happening for three days, there
were ten standoups as you've been hearing, and the mayor
and governor are doing their best to keep everything peaceful.
(17:46):
We're going to continue to cover it throughout the night
and tomorrow, so always stay tuned to KFI. But right now,
let's talk about something that's important to all of us.
Do you know what an arbitrary is? An arbitrary versary? Well,
it's a mouthful, That's what it is. An arbitrary versary.
It's like an anniversary arbitrarily like for any old reason.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
So it's a trend. Love these trends.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Some couples are ditching the idea of celebrating traditional milestones. Now,
if you've been listening to me for a while, you
know that I do not like Hallmark holidays. I don't
like forced anything, forced grieving awakes, I don't like forced
celebration for no reason. Well, the calendar turned to a
new year?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Who invented that?
Speaker 1 (18:36):
When?
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Why are we drinking? What's happening?
Speaker 1 (18:38):
And I definitely don't love Valentine's Day because it's just
pressure and it's designed to sell us things. So plenty
of couples are now ditching some of these traditional milestones.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
For something.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Well, I would say a little more playful, but if
you think about it, it's actually more meaningful. And they're
calling them arbitrary reversaries, so they could actually be good
for your relationship. Let's talk about it. So examples might
be like, I know that Julio and I do celebrate
(19:12):
a lot of arbitrary versaries for no reason because he
uses the word novelty. We need novelty, We need novelty
because apparently he's been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh
radio show and he knows that the research on long term, happy,
relatively happy couples is that they never get stuck in routine, right,
there's always this novelty that shows up. I've often said this,
(19:36):
and I'm not talking about your sex life. Well, it
could apply to your sex life. I mean, sometimes you
just put your partner in a new room, in a
new outfit and things get, you know.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
A little more spicy.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
But that also applies to emotionally doing something completely different
with your partner. So one of the things that Julio
and I have done, because we met during the COVID
pandemic and we were on lockdown, is I made a
lot of picnics. So we love to choose places we've
never been before to just go picnic. And I can't
(20:08):
pack surprising food.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
You know.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
He's got food anxiety. He's one of those that over
my shoulder when I'm cooking, what's in that? What is
that thing?
Speaker 2 (20:16):
I don't know if I can eat that.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Literally, I have fed him things that he found delicious,
but once I told him what was in it, he goes,
why did you tell me? Now I can't eat it
because I know it has mayonnaise in it. I'm like,
for real, you tasted it, you liked it, and now
you've decided you don't like it. Crazy, right, So but
(20:39):
we do do picnics, no surprise food. One time we
wanted to see Tina Fay and Amy Poehler and they
were like four hundred dollars in Los Angeles, and then
we saw that they were playing in Portland, which is
about a four hour drive from my farm in Oregon,
and he goes, let's just be up at your farm
in organ Unlet's drive four hours to show where the
(21:00):
kind of people would do that. We did sleep over
at an airbnb, you know, but we made it a
field trip.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
We made it an event.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
We love to do hikes to nowhere, like we just
don't know where we're going, which is always fun and.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Scary because you could get lost.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
And I make anniversary dinners out of a boring Tuesday night.
I am one of those people. My mom raised me
this way where I pull out the fine china, silver everything,
the crystal, the table claws, I decorate with fresh flowers,
I light a candle, I put quiet jazz or New
(21:36):
York piano music on, and I make a fancy dinner
at a meat loaf. I mean, I just like to
create the whole ambience. That's my thing, and he likes
it too. So how do these silly moments help our relationships?
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Well?
Speaker 1 (21:53):
According to one survey done by love Sense, they found
that one in four couples say that most often they
feel stuck in routine. Right, So if you take this
arbitrary versary and make it a mini celebration, you can
break monotony in your relationship and celebrating these tiny moments
(22:14):
can actually help couples build connection and honoring everyday kindness.
As I said, I've said this many many times. If
you missed it, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Say it again.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
We need to express gratitude and appreciate our partners as
much as possible. So there's also real scientific research. You know.
My favorite research is the Marriage Lab up the University
of Washington, John Gottman and his crew. They tell us
that long term satisfaction doesn't come from those big grand gestures,
(22:45):
certainly not from Valentine's Day. It comes from those consistent,
small acts of emotional connection. John Gottman, the famous relationship researcher,
calls them positive sentiment override. Well, that's some psychobabble. Positive
sentiment override. He has this idea that our relationships have
(23:08):
sort of a ratio of positive and negative. Right, it's
not all perfect, and if you have a little more
positive overriding the negative, you will do better. So on
social media, couples are starting to share their arbitrary versaries.
Oh that's so cute, So you can you can google that,
(23:28):
you can look for it.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
So here's a little bit advice.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Choose something small, funny, meaningful. Call it your first taco
night together, the first time you laughed at two am together,
and re celebrate it in some way. Mark the celebration
with a joyful toast, A funny, mean, a silly little
five minute dance party.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Take a photo, leave a note, record a voice memo
so that you can look back on that time later.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Like literally.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Our first date was around a fire on August twentieth
of twenty twenty, and it at a certain restaurant, and
every time we go there, I go, that's our place, honey.
That was the very first place we met on that
bumble matchup right, and do it regularly.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Now we have sentiment. We were really sad to hear
that Will.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Rogers historic home burned in the Palises fires, because that
was our main place that we would go and have
our picnics.
Speaker 2 (24:28):
That was very sad, all right.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
I just want to say life isn't just about the
big moments, although we do need those rituals, those big graduations,
but we also need to have many moments where we
just show appreciation, we just care about somebody. So I
want you to put your thinking hat on and this
week I want you to think of an arbitrary versary
(24:52):
that you can do with the person you love. It
is always my pleasure to be with you on KFI
every Sunday from seven to nine. If you miss any
part of the show. Remember, you can go to the
iHeartRadio app, just download it and just search doctor Wendy
Walsh and there it will come up. But I'm always
here for you. Every Sunday, you and listening to the
(25:12):
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI
AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio App. And remember, we will continue to keep
you informed about the Los Angeles protest in their third
day now, where the National Guard troops have had tense
(00:23):
standoffs with protesters. The governor and Mayor Bass have been
involved calling for order. We are going to continue to
cover this as we return to my content my show,
which is about the science of love. We are answering
your relationship questions sent to me via direct message on
(00:44):
my instagram if you want to send me a message.
The instagram is at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
All right, dear Doctor Wendy, My girlfriend gets really flirty
when we go out. She says she's just being friendly.
But I feel comfortable. Should I speak up or let
it go? Where are you gonna let it go to?
(01:06):
I just want to say that it's still gonna be there.
You're gonna observe it, You're gonna have feelings with it. Yes,
you should speak up. Here's the problem. People are afraid
to speak up about when they see somebody being flirty
because they think it's gonna make them look weak and insecure, Like, baby,
why are you always flirting with the other guys? I
don't like that. Uh, But there are other ways to
(01:28):
say it, like, hey, so you're in a committed a
relationship with me, and oh, by the way, you have
to comment on something actual, concrete. You can't do a
general I think you're flirty. Whenever we go out, should
be like, I'm not flirty. When do you mean I'm flirty?
You have to literally say. The other night, when we
were at that restaurant and you were chatting for a
(01:50):
long time with Chad, I noticed that you were very
close in his personal space, and when you would comment
and laugh, you would touch him. This looked kind of flirtatious,
and I think he could have gotten the wrong idea
from you because we're in a committed relationship. I also
feel it was a little disrespectful to me, So let's
(02:11):
talk about your behavior in public. If you don't want
to be in this relationship in public, then we need
to talk about that. Right, that's the conversation that needs
to have there. Okay, it doesn't look weak to say
I felt a little disrespected. That's not okay, And I
think you're misleading people around you, right, all right, moving
(02:33):
along into the dms. Oh, here's one I like this one.
Dear doctor Wendy, My partner's best friend. Partner's best friend
is someone, Oh he used to hook up with. Uh huh,
he says it's in the past. Am I wrong for
feeling uneasy about that? This is like the question I
(02:56):
answered earlier? Is this person still their emotional I mean,
there's so much research to show that usually a physical
affair affair causes less damage to a relationship than an
emotional affair.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
So that's really the question.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Do you worry that he's betraying secrecies, intimacies about your
relationship with that person? Right, that's what you have to
ask yourself. Where is his emotional lifeline? And this question
so many people ask us, am I wrong for feeling
just that sentence shouldn't exist in English language. No feelings
(03:36):
are right or wrong, No feelings are good or bad.
They're just messengers telling you something. They're telling you that
this isn't right for you. It doesn't sit well with you,
So you need to bring it up.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
All right?
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Moving along, Dear doctor Wendy. I feel like I'm always
giving in this relationship. I'm giving emotionally, I'm giving, financially,
I'm giving everything. How do I bring it up without
starting a fight?
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Oh? Oh, this is a can of worms.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Everything I needed to know about you I learned in
this last sentence. How do I bring it up without
starting a fight? Your fear of conflict, which ultimately could
lead to abandonment. Your fear of abandonment is bigger than
(04:28):
your fear of stating your needs. Right. You are so
afraid that there's going to be an explosive fight and
it'll all be over, that you're just going to give
and give and give and what Just be in love
with hope. Just be in love with hope. Like we
talked about earlier, the witness named Jane from the p
(04:50):
Didty trial. She gave and gave and gave to the
point where she was a broken, broken person because she
didn't want to lose Sean P.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Diddy.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
So how much are you going to give? When are
you going to grow backbone? When you're going to grow boundary?
When are you going to be able to know that
it's okay if takers leave right, it's okay, It's okay
to fight.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
You know what.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
There's healthy fighting too, and healthy conflict. Once you learn
that and set up some boundaries, then you'll be able
to have a healthy relationship. But sitting around waiting and
being in love with hope, hope that they'll change, hope
that they'll start giving, is going to do nothing. So okay,
I will answer one question, how do I bring it up?
I'm going to eliminate the second part of that question
(05:41):
without starting a fight because you have no idea what
the reaction is going to be, So just how do
I bring it up? Will you bring it up? When
both of you are calm, well rested, not hungry and hungry, angry,
lonely or tired, and you sit down as a good
moment and you say, it feels like I give a
lot in this relationship emotionally and financially and name some
(06:02):
other things, and I'm wondering when you're going to reciprocate
that's all you do? Will there be a fight? Maybe
because takers are trying to make you feel bad about
having feelings, just say it.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Good luck to you. You should bring it up.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
And if you have to move along to somebody who's
not such a taker, that's a great idea. All right,
I think we have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy.
Every time I succeed at something, my boyfriend seems weirdly
distant and called, Oh, is that jealousy or am I
reading into it? No?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Yeah, it's his own insecurity. That's what it is. He
is insecure. So yeah, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
You've got to bring it up in that way, Like say,
I noticed that when I accomplished this or I did that,
it felt like you really, you know, uh didn't really
praise me for it, or you felt intimidated or something.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Can you tell me what your feelings were around that? Right?
Speaker 1 (07:04):
I remember one time I had a boyfriend. He was
in the restaurant business, and I literally said I was
driving my bike on the bike path in La and
there was this restaurant that was going out of business,
and I literally said to him, oh my god, that.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Is such a pretty location.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
And I had just gotten through culinary school and I said, ah,
I dream of opening a little restaurant like that.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
He got so mad.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
He goes, I'm a professional restauranteur and you're telling me.
He goes like me saying, I'm going to go be
a news anchor. And I said, well, if you wanted
to and that was your passion, I would hear you
on for that. So weird, he felt so insecure. I
guess he was afraid I was going to open up
a restaurant that would do better than him his Who knows. Hey,
(07:48):
when we come back, let us talk about the most
joyful and hard work on the planet, and that is
the hard work of love. Listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Welcome back to the Doctor Lindey Walls Show. I'm ki
AM six forty, live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
You know, one time I was going through a you know,
at Gelson's, the cashier, and it was just before Thanksgiving,
and there was an older lady in front of me.
I was like a young single mom, and I was
feeling overwhelmed with all the turkey and the side dishes
and whatever, and she had all her stuff for Thanksgiving
and I just made a comment to create commonality what
(08:42):
you do as strangers in public. And I said, oh,
it's so much work for Thanksgiving and she said, oh, dear,
but it's joyful work, isn't it. And I thought, wow,
there's some work that can be joyful this week. Well,
And actually I did it over the course of a
weeks because it took so long. I dug out all
(09:03):
the poop in my goat pen and power washed it
and put fresh shavings down. I'm going to do it
every month from now on because it's so great that
it's so clean. And I was sweating just taking the
wheelbarrow full of you know what to.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
The compost pile.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
It was so much physical labor, but it was joyful work, right.
I was taking care of my kids, literally kids on
baby goats. So sometimes hard work can be joyful, and
probably no better kind of joyful hard work than the
(09:39):
work of love. People will say about their relationships, you know, oh,
you know, relationships are work. Yeah, they do take work.
So let's talk about what kind of work we're talking about,
you know, the biggest work.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
And I hear people when I say, oh, why did
you break up? Over? Why did you divorce? What happened?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
They throw this blanket word out that is supposed to
explain their entire marriage and the downfall. And that blanket
word is communication. We just have bad communication. Well, nearly
half of all adults and relationships say that they really
do struggle to express their emotional needs. And the research
(10:20):
is clear silence can sap connection over time.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
I've had women say to me, you know what, I
just stopped trying because I was so exhausted because my
partner just kept tuning out. Right, So let's talk about
some of the mindsets that you may have that may
hurt your love life. And then let's talk about a
prescription of what I think the good work, the joyful
(10:48):
work of love is. So the first bad mindset is
this idea about destiny.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
According to research from the University of Baselos who believe
in soulmates are actually more satisfied wait for it, wait
for it at the beginning of their relationship. But for
people who treat their relationships as a work in progress,
they're more content in the long run.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
Ooh, I like this all right?
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Here's another thing that can another thought mindset that can
hurt your love life. Thinking that the emotional labor imbalance
is okay, right, this idea that women hold all the
emotional keys, that women should bear the emotional load alone.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Believe it or not, it.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Wasn't until recent decades that we started going, oh, so
dudes have feelings. Oh so dudes can express their feelings. Wow,
they just need to learn the words. Now, I will say,
if you're one of those feeling dudes who's always been
a good communicator, you My husband, I think has always
(12:03):
been that way. He says he hasn't. He said, it's
something he learned in recent years.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
So there you go.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
You can't teach an old dog nutrix. So there's also
this emotional labor imbalance. But there's also the equality trap,
and that's the physical labor imbalance. If you believe in
this day and age that one gender should I'll just
stop right there at the words should one gender should
and the other gender should do anything, You're gonna have
(12:29):
problems in your relationship and the work is going to
be very difficult.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
The final thing is people believe they need to sacrifice
for love. Now, compromise for love, sure, but sacrifice. You're
suddenly romanticizing being a martyr.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
You need to learn how to get your how to
express your needs. First of all, how to believe that
your needs are worthy and be able to express them.
All Right, So let's talk about a bullet prove prescription
for what you can do to do the healthy work
of love. First of all, shift your mindset. Cupid didn't
(13:10):
come down with his bow. You weren't anointed by a
fairy glitter. It didn't just happen. Your partnership is like
a garden. It's not a fairy tale. You got to
plant importancy. You gotta water, You got to fertilize it.
And don't only water the weeds because then they grow bigger. Also,
I know you think it sounds unromantic, but you have
(13:33):
to schedule your connection. Research shows that you need to
spend Are you sitting down. It's not a big number
to me, It might sound like a big number to you.
About six hours a week, six hours a week just
focusing on your relationship. That doesn't mean going to a
movie together and counting those two hours in the theater
(13:54):
as your relationship. I mean talking to each other one
on one that's a little less than an hour a day,
okay for emotional check ins, planning time together, and during
this scheduling of connections, hopefully there's some physical touch going on.
And when you are communicating, you want to be using
(14:15):
those feel words. I feel you know when X happens,
I feel this, don't say you make me feel no,
because nobody can make you have a feeling. You have
your own honest feelings that came you deserve to have them. Great,
somebody made you have a feeling. So when X happens,
I feel this, how could we find a solution or
would you be willing to change this so that I
(14:36):
wouldn't feel so bad? That's how healthy people communicate right. Also,
check your tone, Be calm, be respectful. Remember how much
you loved this person when you first began to date.
Remember how special they were to you, So stop blaming
them and calling them names. Be gentle. They are somebody's child.
(14:59):
Their heart is in your hands. Also, don't demand you
need to I want you to do more of No no, no, no, no,
How about asking would you consider doing this or how
would you feel if we did this? Right?
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Try to get them in touch with their feelings. Right.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Also, I say this all the time. Acknowledge them, Acknowledge them,
Acknowledge them, their efforts, their efforts, their efter Thank you
for texting, thank you for letting me know, thank you
for doing that. Oh I so respect that you did that.
That is amazing. I feel like I thank Julio for
things all day long. Let me tell you something. Relationships
(15:40):
don't thrive on magic, fairy dust, Cupid's bow, the planets aligning,
soulmates finding each other. They are an exchange of care
and they thrive on consistent care, honest communication. Oh and
(16:00):
that big one empathy. So it's not about those big
grand gestures. It's just about showing up for about an
hour a day and focusing on your relationship. That is
the joyful work of love. So if you're looking for
ideas of how to invest in your relationship, when we
come back, let's talk about a new trend that is
(16:21):
happening with.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Lots of couples called the arbitrary versary.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
Let's talk about it when we come back, and remember,
we will continue to keep you informed about the Los
Angeles protest in their third day now, where the National
Guard troops have had tense standoffs with protesters. The governor
and Mayor Bass have been involved calling for order. We
are going to continue to cover this. You're listening to
(16:45):
the Doctor Ndywall Show on KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendywall
Show on kfive AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Don't forget that.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Download the iHeartRadio App, then you search Dr Wendy Walsh
and then there's this little button called the pre set button.
You click on that and if you ever miss any
part of the show, it doesn't matter. You just open
that app and it'll go right to where you left
off last time. It'll always be there because you're pre set.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Get it.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Dr Wendy Walls Show on the iHeartRadio App. We're talking
about the science of love here on the Dr Wendy
Walls Show. But that doesn't mean we're going to stop
covering those important social unrest. The protests that are happening
around Los Angeles have been happening for three days, there
were ten standoups as you've been hearing, and the mayor
and governor are doing their best to keep everything peaceful.
(17:46):
We're going to continue to cover it throughout the night
and tomorrow, so always stay tuned to KFI. But right now,
let's talk about something that's important to all of us.
Do you know what an arbitrary is? An arbitrary versary? Well,
it's a mouthful, That's what it is. An arbitrary versary.
It's like an anniversary arbitrarily like for any old reason.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
So it's a trend. Love these trends.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Some couples are ditching the idea of celebrating traditional milestones. Now,
if you've been listening to me for a while, you
know that I do not like Hallmark holidays. I don't
like forced anything, forced grieving awakes, I don't like forced
celebration for no reason. Well, the calendar turned to a
new year?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Who invented that?
Speaker 1 (18:36):
When?
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Why are we drinking? What's happening?
Speaker 1 (18:38):
And I definitely don't love Valentine's Day because it's just
pressure and it's designed to sell us things. So plenty
of couples are now ditching some of these traditional milestones.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
For something.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Well, I would say a little more playful, but if
you think about it, it's actually more meaningful. And they're
calling them arbitrary reversaries, so they could actually be good
for your relationship. Let's talk about it. So examples might
be like, I know that Julio and I do celebrate
(19:12):
a lot of arbitrary versaries for no reason because he
uses the word novelty. We need novelty, We need novelty
because apparently he's been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh
radio show and he knows that the research on long term, happy,
relatively happy couples is that they never get stuck in routine, right,
there's always this novelty that shows up. I've often said this,
(19:36):
and I'm not talking about your sex life. Well, it
could apply to your sex life. I mean, sometimes you
just put your partner in a new room, in a
new outfit and things get, you know.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
A little more spicy.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
But that also applies to emotionally doing something completely different
with your partner. So one of the things that Julio
and I have done, because we met during the COVID
pandemic and we were on lockdown, is I made a
lot of picnics. So we love to choose places we've
never been before to just go picnic. And I can't
(20:08):
pack surprising food.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
You know.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
He's got food anxiety. He's one of those that over
my shoulder when I'm cooking, what's in that? What is
that thing?
Speaker 2 (20:16):
I don't know if I can eat that.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Literally, I have fed him things that he found delicious,
but once I told him what was in it, he goes,
why did you tell me? Now I can't eat it
because I know it has mayonnaise in it. I'm like,
for real, you tasted it, you liked it, and now
you've decided you don't like it. Crazy, right, So but
(20:39):
we do do picnics, no surprise food. One time we
wanted to see Tina Fay and Amy Poehler and they
were like four hundred dollars in Los Angeles, and then
we saw that they were playing in Portland, which is
about a four hour drive from my farm in Oregon,
and he goes, let's just be up at your farm
in organ Unlet's drive four hours to show where the
(21:00):
kind of people would do that. We did sleep over
at an airbnb, you know, but we made it a
field trip.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
We made it an event.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
We love to do hikes to nowhere, like we just
don't know where we're going, which is always fun and.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Scary because you could get lost.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
And I make anniversary dinners out of a boring Tuesday night.
I am one of those people. My mom raised me
this way where I pull out the fine china, silver everything,
the crystal, the table claws, I decorate with fresh flowers,
I light a candle, I put quiet jazz or New
(21:36):
York piano music on, and I make a fancy dinner
at a meat loaf. I mean, I just like to
create the whole ambience. That's my thing, and he likes
it too. So how do these silly moments help our relationships?
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Well?
Speaker 1 (21:53):
According to one survey done by love Sense, they found
that one in four couples say that most often they
feel stuck in routine. Right, So if you take this
arbitrary versary and make it a mini celebration, you can
break monotony in your relationship and celebrating these tiny moments
(22:14):
can actually help couples build connection and honoring everyday kindness.
As I said, I've said this many many times. If
you missed it, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
Say it again.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
We need to express gratitude and appreciate our partners as
much as possible. So there's also real scientific research. You know.
My favorite research is the Marriage Lab up the University
of Washington, John Gottman and his crew. They tell us
that long term satisfaction doesn't come from those big grand gestures,
(22:45):
certainly not from Valentine's Day. It comes from those consistent,
small acts of emotional connection. John Gottman, the famous relationship researcher,
calls them positive sentiment override. Well, that's some psychobabble. Positive
sentiment override. He has this idea that our relationships have
(23:08):
sort of a ratio of positive and negative. Right, it's
not all perfect, and if you have a little more
positive overriding the negative, you will do better. So on
social media, couples are starting to share their arbitrary versaries.
Oh that's so cute, So you can you can google that,
(23:28):
you can look for it.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
So here's a little bit advice.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Choose something small, funny, meaningful. Call it your first taco
night together, the first time you laughed at two am together,
and re celebrate it in some way. Mark the celebration
with a joyful toast, A funny, mean, a silly little
five minute dance party.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Take a photo, leave a note, record a voice memo
so that you can look back on that time later.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Like literally.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Our first date was around a fire on August twentieth
of twenty twenty, and it at a certain restaurant, and
every time we go there, I go, that's our place, honey.
That was the very first place we met on that
bumble matchup right, and do it regularly.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Now we have sentiment. We were really sad to hear
that Will.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Rogers historic home burned in the Palises fires, because that
was our main place that we would go and have
our picnics.
Speaker 2 (24:28):
That was very sad, all right.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
I just want to say life isn't just about the
big moments, although we do need those rituals, those big graduations,
but we also need to have many moments where we
just show appreciation, we just care about somebody. So I
want you to put your thinking hat on and this
week I want you to think of an arbitrary versary
(24:52):
that you can do with the person you love. It
is always my pleasure to be with you on KFI
every Sunday from seven to nine. If you miss any
part of the show. Remember, you can go to the
iHeartRadio app, just download it and just search doctor Wendy
Walsh and there it will come up. But I'm always
here for you. Every Sunday, you and listening to the
(25:12):
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI
AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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