Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. We are also talking to Hailey Heuckman, the woman who turned her Instagram into a dating app. It's all on KFIAM-640!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio App. I'm staying with my social media. If
you have a relationship question and you want me to
weigh in, I think you should send a DM producer.
(00:22):
Kayla's gonna find it at Dr Wendy Walsh on instaf. Okay,
here we go, uh cruising on three? Let's bet I
got uh. Dear Doctor Wendy, Oh this is a bad one.
Oh my god, Oh my god. I'm scanning it. I
can't believe it. I know. I hope this never happens
to you. This listener says, Dear Doctor Wendy, I just
(00:45):
found out that my younger sister has been secretly dating
my ex boyfriend for months. We were together for years
and the breakup was rough. I feel hurt and betray
by both of them. Should I confront them or just
cut ties? Whoa whoa whoa? Whoa whoa? This is a
(01:09):
double betrayal. You are being betrayed by your ex boyfriend
who were you with? You were with for years. I'm
assume you had some kind of intimacy with him. If
it's been years, your sister, the fact that they're hiding
it from you and sneaking around for months now, Oh,
(01:31):
I'm sorry, I know it hurts. So your question is
should you cut ties? Now? Do you mean cut ties
with both of them? Like to cut out a family
member for life and your ex boyfriend? And la la
la la la. No. Let me just say this. Your
feelings are valid. You have every right to feel angry
(01:51):
and betrayed. I don't like the word confront them, but
you should share with them your feelings, literally two of
them together at the same time. If you found out,
then there must be a way to get everybody together.
It sounds like you've been in communication with both of them,
so I think you've got to say I need to
have a meeting with both of you and I need
(02:12):
to share some things. And the point of this is
for you to be able to share your feelings hear
what they have to say. Of course, they're going to
defend themselves. I will tell you I had kind of
a fault, not a falling out. But I had a
discussion with a close friend a few months ago and
I was very angry because I felt betrayed because of
secret blah blah blah. And all I said to her
(02:35):
when we went to the dinner for me to confront
or share with her my feelings is I said, I
don't want to know why you did it. I don't
want to hear any defenses. I want you to hear
or I just want to hear that you understand my
feelings that I am seen and heard. And I said,
I am very angry and here's why. And I gave
(02:59):
her script just say, oh my gosh, that must have
hurt so much. I'm so sorry. Uh, I'm not going
to tell you what happened. She got a little defensive. Anyway.
In your case, you could try giving them script. I
just want to be heard and seen and how do
And then you end it by saying, how do we
move forward? Because it's going to take a lot of time.
(03:20):
You've been with your sister your whole life, your boyfriend
a bunch of years ex boyfriend, now you know what
the two of them deserve each other. I don't know.
I'm just gonna say I'm so sorry this happened to you,
and you have every right to express your feelings, but
don't cut ties, because this is going to fester. Things
just don't go away when you cut ties, They just fester.
They get bigger in some weird way.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
You know.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
You hear about family members who don't talk for years
and nobody can even remember why or what happened in
the first place. Don't be that. Don't be that. All right?
Moving along, dear doctor Wendy. My fiance and I have
been engaged for over two years. Congratulation, But every time
we talk about setting a wedding date, Oh, I know
where we're going. I have been there before, he changes
the subject and says, not yet. I'm starting to wonder
(04:01):
if he ever wants to get married. How long is
too long to wait? Okay, big decision here, Let me explain.
Let me explain to you. So this happened to me
in my late twenties and until I think I was
approaching my thirtieth birthday when I've had enough, and it
was four years of this engagement with no date, and
(04:22):
I tried and tried to try it. I think he
thought the ring would be enough to satiate me, and so,
of course, by the time inside my head, when I
realized I can't do this anymore and I got an apartment,
I moved out, wouldn't you know it. That's when he
started to try to win me back right, and it
was too late because for me, the window had closed.
(04:44):
So you need to set up a very clear This
is not an ultimatum. It is a boundary. If we
don't have a date set within the next eight weeks,
then I will be moving out. This should not be
a threat. This should be you're actually going to make
You're gonna do it. You're gonna do it, So you
have to be ready to break up. How long should
you wait? It depends on your fertility window. If you're
(05:06):
twenty three years old, you could try to wait it out.
If you're thirty five years old, get out of there,
Get out of there, get somebody if you I mean,
if you want to be a mom. You may not
want to be a mom, I don't know, but if
you do and you're near the end of your fertility window,
do not wait him out. I have another friend who
waited out, well, actually a husband. They were married, and
he kept saying, not this year, we won't have a baby,
not this year, We'll have a baby next year. We
(05:27):
have a baby next year. And then she turned forty
and there was no baby. So don't depend on anybody
else for your happiness, Okay, Just set a time frame
that's comfortable for you and make plans to leave and
follow up and actually do that, all right, dear, talk
to Wendy. I found out my husband has a sacred
bank account he never told me about. He says it's
(05:49):
just in case of emergencies, and he doesn't understand why
I'm upset. I feel lied to. Is this financial infidelity
in a word? Yes, you know, there's certain things that
we're all allowed to keep completely private from our spouse,
some of the workings of our body, some of our
sexual fantasies something, you know. But money, if you're married
(06:13):
and you've got joint bank accounts and he's keeping a
slush fund aside. You know. Years ago, I had this
woman on the show and she had like some kind
of investment fund where people invested in really high end
divorce cases. And she told me, she told our audience,
that divorces start two to four years before they take place.
For women, they start with plastic surgery and getting in
(06:34):
shape and sort of sneaking around with girlfriends and seeing
how they would rate on the meeting marketplace. And for men,
divorces start years before the divorce by stashing money. That's
what guys do. That's what they're gonna need when they're
single again. The women are gonna need to look hot.
So there you go. Yeah, you have every reason to
feel upset. Yes, this is financial infidelity. I would suggest
(06:56):
you guys see a couple's therapists so that you can
talk talk about this together. That is heartbreaking, all right.
When we come back, my next guest, when she does
meet her husband, which is going to be soon, I
can feel it is not going to have any of
the problems that my listener just wrote in about. That's
what I'm hoping anyway, because she is the most delightful
(07:16):
woman who I met on Instagram. I met some of
the coolest people on Instagram. When we come back, an
Instagram user who created her own dating application. You're listening
to the Doctor wendywall Show on KFI Am six forty
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM
six forty, live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I'm so
excited to invite my next guest on the show because
I fell in love with her on Instagram. No, I
didn't send her a DM and ask her out, not
like that. I just loved her post, her profile, her honesty,
(08:03):
her authenticity. You know they say that good social media
is really about being real. Well, my next guest, her
name is Hailey Heckman, is more real than you can imagine.
Instead of going on dating apps, or maybe after going
on dating apps and finding problems, she created a post
(08:23):
called my dating application and it is the most adorable post.
Welcome Hailey Heckman.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
Hi, Wendy, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
So where First of all, where do you live?
Speaker 2 (08:38):
I live in Boise, Idaho.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Oh you're in Boise, Idaho. Wonderful. And so if I
can just describe you a little bit into just basic
schema for people, because this is they're listening with their
ears only. She is a very attractive young woman in
her thirties. She has a career in mental health and
addiction prevention. What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (09:00):
So I work with communities to provide dragon alcohol free
events to promote folks to seek mental health and also
promote suicide prevention awareness.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
And in addition, she also has her own online vintage
business where you sell other people's trash and you turn
it into treasures. Is that right?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
Sort of like that?
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (09:22):
And so my niche that I've fallen into is vintage
Western and that I live out here in the West.
Though it's kind of it's pretty popular and now I'm
seeing it more in mainstream as well.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yeah, so you don't know, but I have an Airbnb
farm in Oregon and I had to decorate that barn
with all kinds of cool stuff that I should have
gone onto your site to find what I needed.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
I can be your new source exactly.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
So let's talk about before we talk about what was
in your Instagram post which now has one point four
million views? Yes, correct, and before you began how many
followers did you have when you put this out?
Speaker 2 (10:00):
I think around thirty thousands on my business page is
where I posted this.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Thirty thousand had one point four million views. This is huge,
And we'll talk about the content of that post. But
I want to talk about first where you were in
your life that made you decide to do this. Had
you been dating, were you just coming out of relationship?
Had you tried the dating apps? Set it up for me?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
So I actually had just moved here to Boise. I
lived in a much smaller town in Oregon, actually, and
I've been single for quite a few years, and since
I lived pretty remotely, I had tried dating apps, and
so a lot of that meant that I was dating
folks here in the Boise area, and so I just
(10:43):
I haven't had much luck and a lot of that
on the dating app. I just found that, you know,
I was wasting maybe is not a great word to use,
but a whole day, a whole tank of gas to
drive for a first date that maybe went nowhere. Communication
was lacking, commitment was lacking. I just didn't feel like
(11:05):
dating apps did a great job of kind of conveying
who I was, my personality. You know, I really did
that on my Instagram page. That's sort of how I
marketed myself. And so I kind of was like, I
should really utilize this thing that I've already kind of
grew from the ground up.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
So when you were decided to create the post my
dating application. By the way, if people want to search
for it, how do they find it.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
My business page is at Rice and Beans Collective.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
At Rice and Bean's Collective, and you will see it.
I hope you get. You pinned it to the top, right, Yes,
I did at Rice and Bean's Collective. Okay, So it's
very brave and very open. Tell me exactly what it says.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
So I have strategic photos.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
You know.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
The great thing about owning my own businesses, and it's
a clothing business, primarily is that I had photos, you know,
to accompany this. But the context and the content in
that application, you know, some of it is funny and lighthearted.
But at the core of this dating application is that
(12:14):
I do truly want to find a partner. I'm thirty
eight years old, I've never been married, I don't have kids.
Those are things that I would like in my life,
and so I do talk about that in the application.
I talk about a general age range, I talk about
my job, that I'm a homeowner. Those are sort of
(12:37):
things that you would find on a dating application anyways.
But then I mix in a little bit of humor,
like references from an old boyfriend, or the fact that
I have a hot mom. You know, sometimes guys look
at the mom of their girlfriend or their fiancee and
like think, oh, she's got good genes. So I liked
I like that I could kind of add that personality
(12:59):
in there. That was true.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
And it is a slide show, right, how many slides
in your set show?
Speaker 2 (13:05):
It is seven And she.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Looks like a beautiful girl in the west, cowboy hat
and all beautiful photography. As you said, and with some humor,
you say, my height is five to one, but my
personality is big enough to compensate for at least three inches.
I love that talk about funny enough to laugh at
my own jokes and sometimes yours. Right, good jeans, my
(13:30):
mom's hot, because that's what men think. What is her
mom gonna you know, she gonna look like her mom someday?
And oh dear right. She talks about her interests corn
dogs and sushi. That's arrange, hiking, backpacking, hot springs, making playlist, camping,
et cetera. But then very clearly what you're looking for,
no current felony charges. I love that you use the
(13:50):
word current because you know I've had guests on this
show before who actually paid their dues, serve their time,
and they are the most criminate against on dating apps
and most they're ten percent of men in America have
experienced incarceration. Ten percent of men in an American have experienced well,
(14:13):
when you break it down by race and the injustices
of the system, blah blah blah, you'll see that it's
different depending on the races. But the vast majority of
that time served was for a non violent crime, and
many of them learned their lesson right, and so those
people are highly So you said no current felony charges.
I like that. You also say the ability to have
(14:34):
a real conversation without quoting Joe Rogan, a way to
kind of say, dudes, if you're one of those stay
away looking for someone who is open minded and likes
to learn, and someone likes to have a good time,
you know, guys like to hear that. And so her
references she puts for references. I love this quote, high risk,
(14:54):
high reward from a guy on hinge from an ex
boyfriend would have married her a if I wasn't such
a dumb ass a man at yard sale. She smelled great,
paid in cash. This woman is adorable. Okay, aren't you
falling in? And I'm not even showing you all seven
of the slides and what she went through. You've got
to go to Rice and Beans Collective to hear that.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Okay, Hi girl, Wendy, thank you.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
When we come back, we have to go to break.
I want to hear about how the results were after
one point four million views. And if you don't mind, well,
if you care, if you'd like to ask, if I'm
not being intrusive, I'd be happy to weigh in and
give you a little bit of dating advice. You good
with that? Yes, absolutely, let's go to break. You're listen
to Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty
(15:40):
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. If you're
on Instagram, make sure you go to Rice and Beans
Collective and look at this adorable young woman, Hayley Heckman,
who lives in boys, Idaho. She's in her thirties. She's
got a career in mental health and addiction prevention. She
owns a successful online business. She owns her home, and
she decided to forego the dating apps because she was
(16:11):
having a hard time there and create her own dating
application online. So what happened? How many people have reached
out to you, Hayley?
Speaker 2 (16:20):
So I have gotten so I just as you know, honestly,
probably to the minute. Forty days total i've had that
application of I don't know the total number of actual
men that have messaged me, but there's been a lot
of dms from very kind, thought provoking men. There's also been,
you know, quite a few that I won't mention here,
(16:42):
only one block of account so far, and also a lot.
I want to give a shout out to moms and sisters.
They have been hyping up the men and sons and
brothers in their life as well, and so all of
those messages have led to I've got three first dates
(17:02):
so far. But I do want to point out that
I really have. I just moved to Boise, and I
moved here and I want to be totally honest because
this is a place where there are more people than
where I used to live. I'm a single person in
a small town and that tends to be very hard
to meet people. So I really am right now interested
in meeting people in the general area of where I live.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
There dates were kind of from far away. Do they
fly in for you?
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Nope, they were right here in Boise and how they
So they all went good. There's only been one second date.
I'm still just trying to navigate when I feel like
a date goes good and then it doesn't go past that,
I'm still trying to figure that part out.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
It doesn't go past you know, they don't call and
pursue a second date, or because you're not so interested.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Both on the second date, that the second date person
was not interested in a third date. On the first date,
I think it just kind of fizzled out, which I
think happens. And then this last first date, I think
still pending on a second date. And I'm, you know,
in that gray area that we all hate to be.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
You have to be in the land of unknowing for
a while, Hayley, and you have to be.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Like, I'm not comfortable to be able.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
To contain yourself during that time and go, Okay, I'm
not a bad person. I'm just going to wait and see. Uh, okay,
let me give you some a little bit of dating advice.
It's going to help you with the forty more men
that are going to call you after this radio show hits. Okay, uh, First,
relationships do best when they lead with intimacy. When I met,
(18:49):
by the way, I just got married in August, and
when I met my husband five years ago. I we
sat down for our little coffee date and and I
said to him, you know, we could sit here and
tell each other just how fabulous we are, but why
don't we begin by telling each other why we think
we're completely undateable? And he said, okay, you go first,
(19:15):
which I did, and after I disclosed some very personal things,
then he said okay, and he disclosed a very big
personal thing about him, And so we began our relationship
talking about intimate, vulnerable things. So nobody had to front,
nobody had to be cool, all that kind of stuff, right.
So I would say that I also am a big
(19:37):
believer in the coffee date first, because, like you said,
when you you know, used half a tank of gas,
got dressed up and drove to far away to see people,
and what a disappointment it was that happens to so
many people of all genders, by the way, and really
for you to just say, hey, just get on the phone.
Get on the phone first. If they won't get on
the phone and even chat for five minutes, you should
(19:58):
not give them one minute of your in person time.
They don't deserve. They need to work for you just
a little bit. And if they're too afraid to get
on the phone, how are they going to handle your
big personality that's three inches taller than you. Right, So
get him on the phone. Just say hey, I'm not
a big texter. Here's my number if you want to call,
get a Google number if you want. If you don't
(20:18):
want to put out your real fine, fine, you know,
find a way to protect yourself technologically. You can do
that and then chat for a few minutes. And after
that first phone call, say to yourself, I did that
selling my husband. Do I want to meet this person
and don't ghost them. But afterwards you might compose a
text that says, hey, just delight to chat with you.
Good luck at your cousin's wedding next week. I don't
(20:40):
think romance is in the cards for us, but I
really appreciate it's your time. That's all you do. And
I did that to probably my own forty men before
I found my husband. And then go on that coffee
date and just say, hey, I'm really busy Tuesday, but
I have a quick thirty minutes here. If he's in
the same city, it's no big deal. And when you
show up, don't be over sexualized, which I can tell
(21:02):
by your pictures. You're a regular looking, gorgeous woman. So
I love this. So where nice makeup, but not date makeup,
not overdone out to dinner makeup, and be a little
bit cash and just very just your authentic self. And
then from that, after that coffee you both know whether
you want to have a first date or not. And
(21:24):
so that should be the low commitment low. I wouldn't
call it low commitment. I would call it high exploration.
So you're just exploring. You're just exploring, and then when
you go on that first date, you know what you're
going to get and you won't have that huge disappointment
because you've already had a phone conversation, you've already had
a coffee date. You're already like okay. And then the
(21:46):
last bit of advice I want to give is there's
lots of research to show that couples who have what
they call chemistry or high sexual energy at the beginning.
That does not predict relationship longevity. So give some of
those nice guys that you had a fun conversation with
a little bit of time, because the attraction park can grow.
(22:09):
It really can anything else that you can think that
you might have thought of to ask me by any chance.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
I think for me, my age thing is the only
thing that I Sometimes I feel like guys who are
dating me knowing that I want to be married or
have children at thirty eight feel like I might be
in a rush.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Well then, yeah, you know what those guys need to do,
take a hike, because there is a guy who's going
to be so activated for you. He's probably listening right
now and he's going to go what And he's forty
two years old. He's in the same thing. He was
busy working and playing and having fun, and he's like,
I want a family.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Now.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
All the colleagues at work are have wives, and I
don't have one to take to any function. And here's
like a clean, nice looking country girl. I want her
and owns her own business and her own house. Oh
my god, there's somebody. And here's the thing, Hailey, you
only need one you don't.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Don't have to worry.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
About the guys. Who cares about them? You only need one.
We have to go, but it's such a pleasure. Will
you keep in touch Let me know how it goes.
Sem me dms on ig because I really, I swear
I'm on a hunt to find you the perfect man.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
I appreciate it. I need all the help I can get.
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
With Hendy Hailey Heckman. Go to Rice, Rice and Bean's
collective at Rice and Bean's Collective on Instagram. Watch her
video her dating application. It's absolutely adorable. Keep in touch
with me because soon I'm gonna have you and your
man on this radio show. I can tell thanks for
being with us.
Speaker 3 (23:45):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
We'll be there, okay.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
And you've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on kf I Am six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. You
can always hear us live on I Am six forty
from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on
demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio App. I'm staying with my social media. If
you have a relationship question and you want me to
weigh in, I think you should send a DM producer.
(00:22):
Kayla's gonna find it at Dr Wendy Walsh on instaf. Okay,
here we go, uh cruising on three? Let's bet I
got uh. Dear Doctor Wendy, Oh this is a bad one.
Oh my god, Oh my god. I'm scanning it. I
can't believe it. I know. I hope this never happens
to you. This listener says, Dear Doctor Wendy, I just
(00:45):
found out that my younger sister has been secretly dating
my ex boyfriend for months. We were together for years
and the breakup was rough. I feel hurt and betray
by both of them. Should I confront them or just
cut ties? Whoa whoa whoa? Whoa whoa? This is a
(01:09):
double betrayal. You are being betrayed by your ex boyfriend
who were you with? You were with for years. I'm
assume you had some kind of intimacy with him. If
it's been years, your sister, the fact that they're hiding
it from you and sneaking around for months now, Oh,
(01:31):
I'm sorry, I know it hurts. So your question is
should you cut ties? Now? Do you mean cut ties
with both of them? Like to cut out a family
member for life and your ex boyfriend? And la la
la la la. No. Let me just say this. Your
feelings are valid. You have every right to feel angry
(01:51):
and betrayed. I don't like the word confront them, but
you should share with them your feelings, literally two of
them together at the same time. If you found out,
then there must be a way to get everybody together.
It sounds like you've been in communication with both of them,
so I think you've got to say I need to
have a meeting with both of you and I need
(02:12):
to share some things. And the point of this is
for you to be able to share your feelings hear
what they have to say. Of course, they're going to
defend themselves. I will tell you I had kind of
a fault, not a falling out. But I had a
discussion with a close friend a few months ago and
I was very angry because I felt betrayed because of
secret blah blah blah. And all I said to her
(02:35):
when we went to the dinner for me to confront
or share with her my feelings is I said, I
don't want to know why you did it. I don't
want to hear any defenses. I want you to hear
or I just want to hear that you understand my
feelings that I am seen and heard. And I said,
I am very angry and here's why. And I gave
(02:59):
her script just say, oh my gosh, that must have
hurt so much. I'm so sorry. Uh, I'm not going
to tell you what happened. She got a little defensive. Anyway.
In your case, you could try giving them script. I
just want to be heard and seen and how do
And then you end it by saying, how do we
move forward? Because it's going to take a lot of time.
(03:20):
You've been with your sister your whole life, your boyfriend
a bunch of years ex boyfriend, now you know what
the two of them deserve each other. I don't know.
I'm just gonna say I'm so sorry this happened to you,
and you have every right to express your feelings, but
don't cut ties, because this is going to fester. Things
just don't go away when you cut ties, They just fester.
They get bigger in some weird way.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
You know.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
You hear about family members who don't talk for years
and nobody can even remember why or what happened in
the first place. Don't be that. Don't be that. All right?
Moving along, dear doctor Wendy. My fiance and I have
been engaged for over two years. Congratulation, But every time
we talk about setting a wedding date, Oh, I know
where we're going. I have been there before, he changes
the subject and says, not yet. I'm starting to wonder
(04:01):
if he ever wants to get married. How long is
too long to wait? Okay, big decision here, Let me explain.
Let me explain to you. So this happened to me
in my late twenties and until I think I was
approaching my thirtieth birthday when I've had enough, and it
was four years of this engagement with no date, and
(04:22):
I tried and tried to try it. I think he
thought the ring would be enough to satiate me, and so,
of course, by the time inside my head, when I
realized I can't do this anymore and I got an apartment,
I moved out, wouldn't you know it. That's when he
started to try to win me back right, and it
was too late because for me, the window had closed.
(04:44):
So you need to set up a very clear This
is not an ultimatum. It is a boundary. If we
don't have a date set within the next eight weeks,
then I will be moving out. This should not be
a threat. This should be you're actually going to make
You're gonna do it. You're gonna do it, So you
have to be ready to break up. How long should
you wait? It depends on your fertility window. If you're
(05:06):
twenty three years old, you could try to wait it out.
If you're thirty five years old, get out of there,
Get out of there, get somebody if you I mean,
if you want to be a mom. You may not
want to be a mom, I don't know, but if
you do and you're near the end of your fertility window,
do not wait him out. I have another friend who
waited out, well, actually a husband. They were married, and
he kept saying, not this year, we won't have a baby,
not this year, We'll have a baby next year. We
(05:27):
have a baby next year. And then she turned forty
and there was no baby. So don't depend on anybody
else for your happiness, Okay, Just set a time frame
that's comfortable for you and make plans to leave and
follow up and actually do that, all right, dear, talk
to Wendy. I found out my husband has a sacred
bank account he never told me about. He says it's
(05:49):
just in case of emergencies, and he doesn't understand why
I'm upset. I feel lied to. Is this financial infidelity
in a word? Yes, you know, there's certain things that
we're all allowed to keep completely private from our spouse,
some of the workings of our body, some of our
sexual fantasies something, you know. But money, if you're married
(06:13):
and you've got joint bank accounts and he's keeping a
slush fund aside. You know. Years ago, I had this
woman on the show and she had like some kind
of investment fund where people invested in really high end
divorce cases. And she told me, she told our audience,
that divorces start two to four years before they take place.
For women, they start with plastic surgery and getting in
(06:34):
shape and sort of sneaking around with girlfriends and seeing
how they would rate on the meeting marketplace. And for men,
divorces start years before the divorce by stashing money. That's
what guys do. That's what they're gonna need when they're
single again. The women are gonna need to look hot.
So there you go. Yeah, you have every reason to
feel upset. Yes, this is financial infidelity. I would suggest
(06:56):
you guys see a couple's therapists so that you can
talk talk about this together. That is heartbreaking, all right.
When we come back, my next guest, when she does
meet her husband, which is going to be soon, I
can feel it is not going to have any of
the problems that my listener just wrote in about. That's
what I'm hoping anyway, because she is the most delightful
(07:16):
woman who I met on Instagram. I met some of
the coolest people on Instagram. When we come back, an
Instagram user who created her own dating application. You're listening
to the Doctor wendywall Show on KFI Am six forty
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM
six forty, live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I'm so
excited to invite my next guest on the show because
I fell in love with her on Instagram. No, I
didn't send her a DM and ask her out, not
like that. I just loved her post, her profile, her honesty,
(08:03):
her authenticity. You know they say that good social media
is really about being real. Well, my next guest, her
name is Hailey Heckman, is more real than you can imagine.
Instead of going on dating apps, or maybe after going
on dating apps and finding problems, she created a post
(08:23):
called my dating application and it is the most adorable post.
Welcome Hailey Heckman.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
Hi, Wendy, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
So where First of all, where do you live?
Speaker 2 (08:38):
I live in Boise, Idaho.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Oh you're in Boise, Idaho. Wonderful. And so if I
can just describe you a little bit into just basic
schema for people, because this is they're listening with their
ears only. She is a very attractive young woman in
her thirties. She has a career in mental health and
addiction prevention. What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (09:00):
So I work with communities to provide dragon alcohol free
events to promote folks to seek mental health and also
promote suicide prevention awareness.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
And in addition, she also has her own online vintage
business where you sell other people's trash and you turn
it into treasures. Is that right?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
Sort of like that?
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (09:22):
And so my niche that I've fallen into is vintage
Western and that I live out here in the West.
Though it's kind of it's pretty popular and now I'm
seeing it more in mainstream as well.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yeah, so you don't know, but I have an Airbnb
farm in Oregon and I had to decorate that barn
with all kinds of cool stuff that I should have
gone onto your site to find what I needed.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
I can be your new source exactly.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
So let's talk about before we talk about what was
in your Instagram post which now has one point four
million views? Yes, correct, and before you began how many
followers did you have when you put this out?
Speaker 2 (10:00):
I think around thirty thousands on my business page is
where I posted this.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Thirty thousand had one point four million views. This is huge,
And we'll talk about the content of that post. But
I want to talk about first where you were in
your life that made you decide to do this. Had
you been dating, were you just coming out of relationship?
Had you tried the dating apps? Set it up for me?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
So I actually had just moved here to Boise. I
lived in a much smaller town in Oregon, actually, and
I've been single for quite a few years, and since
I lived pretty remotely, I had tried dating apps, and
so a lot of that meant that I was dating
folks here in the Boise area, and so I just
(10:43):
I haven't had much luck and a lot of that
on the dating app. I just found that, you know,
I was wasting maybe is not a great word to use,
but a whole day, a whole tank of gas to
drive for a first date that maybe went nowhere. Communication
was lacking, commitment was lacking. I just didn't feel like
(11:05):
dating apps did a great job of kind of conveying
who I was, my personality. You know, I really did
that on my Instagram page. That's sort of how I
marketed myself. And so I kind of was like, I
should really utilize this thing that I've already kind of
grew from the ground up.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
So when you were decided to create the post my
dating application. By the way, if people want to search
for it, how do they find it.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
My business page is at Rice and Beans Collective.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
At Rice and Bean's Collective, and you will see it.
I hope you get. You pinned it to the top, right, Yes,
I did at Rice and Bean's Collective. Okay, So it's
very brave and very open. Tell me exactly what it says.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
So I have strategic photos.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
You know.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
The great thing about owning my own businesses, and it's
a clothing business, primarily is that I had photos, you know,
to accompany this. But the context and the content in
that application, you know, some of it is funny and lighthearted.
But at the core of this dating application is that
(12:14):
I do truly want to find a partner. I'm thirty
eight years old, I've never been married, I don't have kids.
Those are things that I would like in my life,
and so I do talk about that in the application.
I talk about a general age range, I talk about
my job, that I'm a homeowner. Those are sort of
(12:37):
things that you would find on a dating application anyways.
But then I mix in a little bit of humor,
like references from an old boyfriend, or the fact that
I have a hot mom. You know, sometimes guys look
at the mom of their girlfriend or their fiancee and
like think, oh, she's got good genes. So I liked
I like that I could kind of add that personality
(12:59):
in there. That was true.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
And it is a slide show, right, how many slides
in your set show?
Speaker 2 (13:05):
It is seven And she.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Looks like a beautiful girl in the west, cowboy hat
and all beautiful photography. As you said, and with some humor,
you say, my height is five to one, but my
personality is big enough to compensate for at least three inches.
I love that talk about funny enough to laugh at
my own jokes and sometimes yours. Right, good jeans, my
(13:30):
mom's hot, because that's what men think. What is her
mom gonna you know, she gonna look like her mom someday?
And oh dear right. She talks about her interests corn
dogs and sushi. That's arrange, hiking, backpacking, hot springs, making playlist, camping,
et cetera. But then very clearly what you're looking for,
no current felony charges. I love that you use the
(13:50):
word current because you know I've had guests on this
show before who actually paid their dues, serve their time,
and they are the most criminate against on dating apps
and most they're ten percent of men in America have
experienced incarceration. Ten percent of men in an American have experienced well,
(14:13):
when you break it down by race and the injustices
of the system, blah blah blah, you'll see that it's
different depending on the races. But the vast majority of
that time served was for a non violent crime, and
many of them learned their lesson right, and so those
people are highly So you said no current felony charges.
I like that. You also say the ability to have
(14:34):
a real conversation without quoting Joe Rogan, a way to
kind of say, dudes, if you're one of those stay
away looking for someone who is open minded and likes
to learn, and someone likes to have a good time,
you know, guys like to hear that. And so her
references she puts for references. I love this quote, high risk,
(14:54):
high reward from a guy on hinge from an ex
boyfriend would have married her a if I wasn't such
a dumb ass a man at yard sale. She smelled great,
paid in cash. This woman is adorable. Okay, aren't you
falling in? And I'm not even showing you all seven
of the slides and what she went through. You've got
to go to Rice and Beans Collective to hear that.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Okay, Hi girl, Wendy, thank you.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
When we come back, we have to go to break.
I want to hear about how the results were after
one point four million views. And if you don't mind, well,
if you care, if you'd like to ask, if I'm
not being intrusive, I'd be happy to weigh in and
give you a little bit of dating advice. You good
with that? Yes, absolutely, let's go to break. You're listen
to Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty
(15:40):
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (15:42):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. If you're
on Instagram, make sure you go to Rice and Beans
Collective and look at this adorable young woman, Hayley Heckman,
who lives in boys, Idaho. She's in her thirties. She's
got a career in mental health and addiction prevention. She
owns a successful online business. She owns her home, and
she decided to forego the dating apps because she was
(16:11):
having a hard time there and create her own dating
application online. So what happened? How many people have reached
out to you, Hayley?
Speaker 2 (16:20):
So I have gotten so I just as you know, honestly,
probably to the minute. Forty days total i've had that
application of I don't know the total number of actual
men that have messaged me, but there's been a lot
of dms from very kind, thought provoking men. There's also been,
you know, quite a few that I won't mention here,
(16:42):
only one block of account so far, and also a lot.
I want to give a shout out to moms and sisters.
They have been hyping up the men and sons and
brothers in their life as well, and so all of
those messages have led to I've got three first dates
(17:02):
so far. But I do want to point out that
I really have. I just moved to Boise, and I
moved here and I want to be totally honest because
this is a place where there are more people than
where I used to live. I'm a single person in
a small town and that tends to be very hard
to meet people. So I really am right now interested
in meeting people in the general area of where I live.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
There dates were kind of from far away. Do they
fly in for you?
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Nope, they were right here in Boise and how they
So they all went good. There's only been one second date.
I'm still just trying to navigate when I feel like
a date goes good and then it doesn't go past that,
I'm still trying to figure that part out.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
It doesn't go past you know, they don't call and
pursue a second date, or because you're not so interested.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Both on the second date, that the second date person
was not interested in a third date. On the first date,
I think it just kind of fizzled out, which I
think happens. And then this last first date, I think
still pending on a second date. And I'm, you know,
in that gray area that we all hate to be.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
You have to be in the land of unknowing for
a while, Hayley, and you have to be.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Like, I'm not comfortable to be able.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
To contain yourself during that time and go, Okay, I'm
not a bad person. I'm just going to wait and see. Uh, okay,
let me give you some a little bit of dating advice.
It's going to help you with the forty more men
that are going to call you after this radio show hits. Okay, uh, First,
relationships do best when they lead with intimacy. When I met,
(18:49):
by the way, I just got married in August, and
when I met my husband five years ago. I we
sat down for our little coffee date and and I
said to him, you know, we could sit here and
tell each other just how fabulous we are, but why
don't we begin by telling each other why we think
we're completely undateable? And he said, okay, you go first,
(19:15):
which I did, and after I disclosed some very personal things,
then he said okay, and he disclosed a very big
personal thing about him, And so we began our relationship
talking about intimate, vulnerable things. So nobody had to front,
nobody had to be cool, all that kind of stuff, right.
So I would say that I also am a big
(19:37):
believer in the coffee date first, because, like you said,
when you you know, used half a tank of gas,
got dressed up and drove to far away to see people,
and what a disappointment it was that happens to so
many people of all genders, by the way, and really
for you to just say, hey, just get on the phone.
Get on the phone first. If they won't get on
the phone and even chat for five minutes, you should
(19:58):
not give them one minute of your in person time.
They don't deserve. They need to work for you just
a little bit. And if they're too afraid to get
on the phone, how are they going to handle your
big personality that's three inches taller than you. Right, So
get him on the phone. Just say hey, I'm not
a big texter. Here's my number if you want to call,
get a Google number if you want. If you don't
(20:18):
want to put out your real fine, fine, you know,
find a way to protect yourself technologically. You can do
that and then chat for a few minutes. And after
that first phone call, say to yourself, I did that
selling my husband. Do I want to meet this person
and don't ghost them. But afterwards you might compose a
text that says, hey, just delight to chat with you.
Good luck at your cousin's wedding next week. I don't
(20:40):
think romance is in the cards for us, but I
really appreciate it's your time. That's all you do. And
I did that to probably my own forty men before
I found my husband. And then go on that coffee
date and just say, hey, I'm really busy Tuesday, but
I have a quick thirty minutes here. If he's in
the same city, it's no big deal. And when you
show up, don't be over sexualized, which I can tell
(21:02):
by your pictures. You're a regular looking, gorgeous woman. So
I love this. So where nice makeup, but not date makeup,
not overdone out to dinner makeup, and be a little
bit cash and just very just your authentic self. And
then from that, after that coffee you both know whether
you want to have a first date or not. And
(21:24):
so that should be the low commitment low. I wouldn't
call it low commitment. I would call it high exploration.
So you're just exploring. You're just exploring, and then when
you go on that first date, you know what you're
going to get and you won't have that huge disappointment
because you've already had a phone conversation, you've already had
a coffee date. You're already like okay. And then the
(21:46):
last bit of advice I want to give is there's
lots of research to show that couples who have what
they call chemistry or high sexual energy at the beginning.
That does not predict relationship longevity. So give some of
those nice guys that you had a fun conversation with
a little bit of time, because the attraction park can grow.
(22:09):
It really can anything else that you can think that
you might have thought of to ask me by any chance.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
I think for me, my age thing is the only
thing that I Sometimes I feel like guys who are
dating me knowing that I want to be married or
have children at thirty eight feel like I might be
in a rush.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Well then, yeah, you know what those guys need to do,
take a hike, because there is a guy who's going
to be so activated for you. He's probably listening right
now and he's going to go what And he's forty
two years old. He's in the same thing. He was
busy working and playing and having fun, and he's like,
I want a family.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Now.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
All the colleagues at work are have wives, and I
don't have one to take to any function. And here's
like a clean, nice looking country girl. I want her
and owns her own business and her own house. Oh
my god, there's somebody. And here's the thing, Hailey, you
only need one you don't.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Don't have to worry.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
About the guys. Who cares about them? You only need one.
We have to go, but it's such a pleasure. Will
you keep in touch Let me know how it goes.
Sem me dms on ig because I really, I swear
I'm on a hunt to find you the perfect man.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
I appreciate it. I need all the help I can get.
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
With Hendy Hailey Heckman. Go to Rice, Rice and Bean's
collective at Rice and Bean's Collective on Instagram. Watch her
video her dating application. It's absolutely adorable. Keep in touch
with me because soon I'm gonna have you and your
man on this radio show. I can tell thanks for
being with us.
Speaker 3 (23:45):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
We'll be there, okay.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
And you've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on kf I Am six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. You
can always hear us live on I Am six forty
from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on
demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.