Dr. Wendy is talking about Memorial Day importance, why who we choose matters, the reality behind pet names, and the 3 c's that underline every fight. It's all on KFIAM-640!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. Happy Memorial Day Weekend. You know it's funny.
I don't know what's going on with my brain, but
(00:21):
I keep calling it Labor Day weekend. I think that's
in September, isn't it. It's Memorial Day weekend. Hey, if
you've never listened to my show before, I have a
PhD in clinical psychology, I am a psychology professor at
California State University, Channel Island Go Dolphins, and I am
obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books
(00:43):
on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, and I'm
just obsessed with the skills, mainly because I had a
long life of poor relationship skills myself, a lot of
bad relationships I used to I finally learned that there
was a common denominator in every one of my relationships,
and it was uh me. I was choosing them right.
(01:05):
So I'm really interested in our brains, our behavior, and
how it works. In tonight's show, I want to talk
about a new global study that talks about why we
really do choose our mates. And also, are you one
of those people who uses pet names? I call my
husband baby, hey, baby, baby, comme here, baby, well, sweetie, honey, love, cutie.
(01:30):
Whatever those pet names may indicate something good or something bad,
We're going to talk about it. And also, what are
you two really fighting about? I know you think you're
arguing about the cap on the toothpaste, or the closet
door hanging open, or somebody not doing enough chores. But
there are three c's that underline every fight, and I
(01:52):
will help you identify them. But first, can we talk
about why Memorial Day still matters? I mean psychologically speaking,
we know we love the barbecues, we love the sales,
the beach traffic out of oh but let's talk about
what it really means. Because after the sunshine and the
(02:13):
hot dogs and the you know, we're basically launching summer
with Memorial Day weekend, But there's also something profoundly psychological
going on, and I think we shouldn't miss it. I
think it can create meaning for us. Remember Memorial Day
is a national ritual of remembrance. It's the one day
(02:38):
that we set aside to honor United States military service
members who died in service to their country. Oh no,
I know you guys are at your beer and your
barbecue and you're like, really is she going there? Sounds
a little solemn, but it does matter for all of
us because from a psychological standpoint, rituals help us process grief. Okay,
(03:03):
so we know that if we have grief in our
own personal lives, whether we go to a funeral I'm Irish,
so Irish Catholic wakes are big amongst us, or any
other kind of religious ceremony, or maybe you're just doing
something like lighting a candle. What rituals do is they
create structure for our feelings, structure for our emotions. They
(03:26):
help us make sense of loss. Now, Memorial Day is
a national ritual, which is an added benefit because it
allows us to do this together. You see, when you
grieve as a group, something powerful happens because our pain
becomes shared and our healing becomes shared too. Now, Memorial
(03:48):
Day also strengthens our sense of identity. You know, it's
not just personal here, it's a national identity. There's a
theory in psychology called social identity to te theory, and
that's when you bond with people because of shared social values.
So on Memorial Day, you could say that we all
kind of hopefully like to adopt values of bravery, sacrifice, duty,
(04:14):
and this helps us feel more connected. And I'm not
gonna lie to you, this is a time when so
many Americans feel divided. We feel like we're on separate teams,
which shouldn't be at all, and so hopefully it is
our holidays that will bring us back together. There's also
(04:35):
another layer. Whenever you're grieving or thinking about loss or
the loss of others, maybe you know a family who
has lost somebody in a war, somebody who has paid
their dues with military service, there is this moment where
you have that sense of there, but for the grace
of God, go I, and there is a moment of gratitude.
(04:56):
So I hope today that we can also pause to
reflect on those people who have given their lives so
that we can tap into one of the most psychologically
healing emotions, and that is gratitude. Because research shows that
gratitude boosts happiness, it reduces our stress it helps us
(05:19):
sleep better. So I want everybody. I know it's the
end Memorial Days tomorrow, but I want you, at some point,
maybe when you wake up in the morning, to take
a few moments, a quiet moment, to just stop and
feel thankful. Thankful that you're healthy, Thankful that your family's healthy,
Thankful that you didn't lose somebody in a war, Thankful
(05:42):
that you don't have somebody overseas now, Thankful that the
person you have who's serving is brave, and you're grateful
that you were able to give. But spending some time
a quiet moment feeling gratitude, and hey, you might be
watching a parade, maybe you're laying flowers on a gray
but I promise you this isn't just patriotic. It can
(06:04):
help you regulate your emotions. Now, I'm not gonna lie.
Memorial Day I mentioned at the beginning, is about food
and fun. It's also I like to call it a
family legacy day. It's a time when families can and
friends can get together, share stories, remember family members who
are no longer with us. They're psychologists who study something
(06:26):
called narrative identity, and they found that when kids grow
up in a family that tells stories, that talks about
the triumphs, that talks about the heartbreaks, that talks about
the resilience. These kids grow up stronger and more grounded.
So tomorrow and Memorial Day, I want you to look
(06:46):
at the young people around you and your family, and
I want you to tell them some story about your
family history. And yes, enjoy the rest of the weekend,
soak up the sun, but take a moment to reflect
on why Memorial Days here because it is good for you. Okay,
when we come back, let's get into the science of love.
(07:06):
My favorite topic is love the glue. There's a new
global study that reveals why we really do choose our mates.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show a KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on I
Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know,
I love evolutionary psychology and I believe that we are
all wired to bond, that our closest love relationships were
meant for our survival. Yes, our literal survival. People exchanged
(07:50):
care a you bring me back some nuts and roots
and maybe the odd kill, and I will take care
of the children. There was this division of domestic responsibility
by the way, that could have been done by any
gender in our history. And so there's survival, which is
just an exchange of care, but there's also deep emotional
(08:10):
survival and that is why we are born to attach,
and in fact, our early life relationships start to determine
our attachment style. But there is new science. There's a
new global study that reveals why we really choose our mates.
It kind of helps explain why we fall in love
(08:30):
with who and most importantly, why many of us never
feel settled until we have found our mate. So here's
my question. Would you marry someone who checked all of
your boxes? They were maybe kind stable, financially secure. You
don't want to miss that one, but you weren't in
(08:51):
love with them. If your gut reaction is no fliping way,
well I want to tell you you're not alone. So there's
this new global study published in the journal Human Nature,
and it asked more to than eighty six thousand people.
That's a lot, and it's a cross cultural study, so
it was from ninety countries whether they'd be willing to
(09:12):
marry somebody without romantic love, and the overwhelming answer was
absolutely not so for most people that feeling of love,
and we know it's a cocktail of neurotransmitters that hit
the brain and make us a little delusional and a
little crazy. It's not just a bonus, it's a requirement.
(09:34):
And because this study was done in many different cultures,
we can safely say it's not just a cultural thing,
it's a human thing. The researchers looked at people from
all kinds of countries, different income levels, different genders, different
family sizes, And what they found, of course, is that
love is universal and the importance of a law of
(09:56):
love in long term commitment, though, does depend on your
life life circumstances. Now, stay with me, let's unpack this.
The science here is really juicy. So one theory that's
gaining a lot of traction is that romantic love evolved
as a commitment device. I'm a believer in that. That's
the evolutionary psychologists who think that, in other words, love
exists not just to give us butterflies in our stomach
(10:18):
and make us a little delusional at the beginning, but
it actually was designed to help us stick it out
through the hard stuff. It is Mother Nature's glue. It
keeps us bonded long enough to raise children, to build
our shared lives, and to survive modern life together. But
here's where the science gets really interesting. So people with
(10:39):
lower financial resources actually placed a higher value on love. Now,
I would have thought the opposite. I would have thought
if you were poor, you'd be like, I don't care.
He's got money, I'm gonna marry him. I don't have
to love him. Right, it was the opposite. And it's
partly because when people don't have a lot of external support,
(11:00):
they don't have a trust fund, they don't have a
backup plan. A committed, loving partner becomes even more important.
And love is a glue.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Love isn't just an emotion. Love is this survival strategy.
So the belief is if you're of lower income that
if they love me, they'll stay, and I don't have
many more options. Not surprisingly, there's a bit of a
gender divide. Women valued love more than men, and that
certainly fits with everything I've been saying for years about
what evolutionary psychologists say they've been telling us for decades.
(11:32):
Women bear the biological weight of reproduction. They don't need
a guide to flee. Right, They risk more, there's more investment,
there's more to lose. So love for women, if they
know a man loves them, is a powerful sign of
safety and long term reliability. So the research also showed
(11:53):
that even parents, especially those with many children, multiple children,
we're likely to say love matter deeply in their long
term relationships. And honestly, if you're a parent and you're
listening right now, you know you need more than a
short chart. You need more than a costco membership to
survive the chaos of family life. You need resilience. You
(12:15):
need real resilience. Love. You need somebody who feels like
they are motionally committed to stay. Now, here's another interesting
thing in the science here. People in more developed countries,
richer countries also valued love more highly. Maybe because our
(12:36):
survival needs are met, right, we can all earn a living,
get a job, et cetera, and that's when emotional fulfillment
becomes a priority. So in contrast, now we're talking about regions,
not individual. When I talked about lower income people say
they love is more important because that makes their partner
more sticky glue stuck to them, not leaving right in.
(12:57):
As you get wealthy, though, love becomes a different kind
of priority. People are like, I want my soul mate
because I can pay my own rent. I don't need
all of that. So in contrast, though, in regents where
marriage is still more about economics or social duty, there
are lots of places in the world love might not
be a deal breaker, right. There are plenty of places
(13:18):
in the world where arranged marriages still exist and are
perfectly accepted, and love is not necessary. So what am
I trying to tell you. I'm trying to tell you
that you're not being too picky if you're holding out
for love. In fact, your biology and your brain might
be working for you. Romantic love isn't frivolous. It's functional.
(13:43):
It fosters commitment, cooperation, and resilience. It helps people raise families,
helps communities stay together, It helps people weather life's storms.
But I do want to say, especially to women out
there who are holding out for this big piece of romance,
take love. You have a fertility window and if you
(14:04):
do want to become a mother, which is about eighty
percent of women. Then, you know, telling yourself that you're
looking for perfection is probably not a good idea. I
do want to say this, This is really important. Love
isn't just about chemistry. It's not just this, Oh my god,
I fell madly in love. It was love at first sight.
It's about what happens after that. It's about consistency, it's
(14:27):
about care, and it's about communication. You know. I've always
said that the highest price a woman can charge for
sex is care and commitment. So I always ask you
single ladies out there, are you charging that price? So remember,
life isn't love isn't just a feeling. It's definitely a
(14:47):
strategy and it is meant to be. Now, if you
are in love, maybe you're in a relationship. Do you
use those cut c pet names for your significant other?
Hello boo boo, hello bb sweetye pie, give me your
hendy pye. Do you use language like that? Oh, well,
we come back. You might be surprised that sometimes, just
sometimes that's a problem. I'll explain when we come back.
(15:10):
You're listening to The Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI Am
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty. So really early in my relationship with
my husband Julio, we met almost five years ago. I
don't know why. We just had an instant kind of
connection and I felt close. I think because you've probably
heard the story that on our very first coffee date,
(15:44):
I said to him, look, we could sit here and
tell each other like how cool we are, or why
don't we start by telling a story of how undateable
we believe we are. And so he told a story
and I told a story, and both stories were kind
of shame filled. So we started out with emotional intimacy
from the beginning. So very quickly we got emotionally close,
(16:09):
and very quickly I started calling him babyhay, babe, baby
coming over with time, me coming babe right. I just
I don't know, it was instinctual, It just happened. I
do believe on some deep psychological level that you know,
the deal in any love relationship is I'll be your
mommy if you be my mommy. On some you know,
(16:31):
raw deep infantile place, and so he's my baby. But
because we hadn't been together that long and he had
young adult children and we were going out to dinner,
he said to me one time, Hey, and we're out tonight,
can you try to not call me baby in front
of my kids. I think it's a little too much,
too soon for them. And I was like, oh, I
never even realized. I was like, oh, okay, sure, right,
(16:53):
because he was so worried about about how to integrate
his family with my family, et cetera. So in our case,
you know, very soon we were back into the pet names.
I'm trying to think what he calls me. He has
funny nicknames for me, like CEO. I like that name.
He calls me CEO, Hey, Ceo, or talk to the CEO.
(17:16):
I don't know, uh. And he also will call me dub,
like because my initials are ww double dub. Some people
say double dub. He'll just say dub. How you doing dub? Right?
But you know those names that so many people use, baby, sweetheart,
my queen, boo, honeybun. They can be really adorable, they
can be comforting. Sometimes they can be a little steamy.
(17:40):
So but it's important to know that pet names do
help us regular our emotions. We know if we're called
something sweet, it's our little private language. We feel secure. Right,
it makes us feel warmth in our relationship. But there's
an underside to it. Sometimes those sugar coated words are
just pure sugar. They're cover up. I like to say,
(18:01):
they're a soft shell hiding the hard to ruths. So
let me walk you through three psychological signs that your
pet names might not be showing real intimacy. So number one,
they're used too soon. Oh oh, that's what I did
with Julio. Well, sometimes pet names are designed to create
(18:24):
an illusion of closeness and manipulate somebody. That was not
the case with me and Jolio. I'm just gonna say that,
all right, didn't even realize I was doing it. There
are people out there, especially men, who do it to women,
who start using these cutesy names in order to manipulate
them either to give up sex or their bank account
or whatever they're after. Right, I know it can feel
(18:45):
really lovely early on, but when people start with the
babes way too early, you should be a little cautious
because this is false intimacy. This is mimicking intimacy. Okay.
Number two. Sometimes pet names are used in relationships to
shut somebody down, like, in other words, the person's thinking
(19:08):
if I call them some sweet name, then they'll stop
complaining because they'll feel happy. Right. So you go and
you express something that's a little negative a concern, and
your partner responds with something like, oh, someone's a little
cranky today, or don't worry your pretty little head, sweetheart.
(19:30):
Ew it sounds syrupy and sweet, but you know what
that is. That's infantilization. They're infantizing you, treating you like
a little baby, like you don't have even the thoughts
or ability to discuss what you're bringing up. That's a
put down pet name, all right. And the third one
(19:51):
is pet names that are used to completely avoid accountability. Right,
and this is often I mentioned right after a fight.
So instead of apologizing or take the time to work
through an issue, your partner says, don't be mad, baby,
you know I adore you, baby, you're my angel. Okay.
(20:11):
I love a good nickname, but when it's designed as
a distraction or fake emotional appeasement, this is not good. Now,
remember I do want to make it clear not all
pet names are manipulative. In healthy relationships, I like to
think they're like a little sweet seasoning, right, little sweetness
(20:32):
to enhance the flavor. But they should never replace the
main course. And that is honesty and having emotionally attuned conversations.
So here's what I want you to ask yourself the
next time your partner uses a pet name. Do those
pet names show up more during connection, when you're being
(20:55):
close for play after play, giving each other care, or
more likely after an argument after conflict. Ask yourself when
do they show up? Number two? Do your pet names
build intimacy or distract from it? Intimacy can mean expressing
something negative, but it's real and it's honest. That's intimate, right,
(21:17):
And is somebody trying to distract you from it? And
at the end of the day, do those pet names
help you feel soothed or do they kind of irritate you?
Like you got to ask your own gut about this.
Are you feeling irritated with the baby honey, CUTI stuff
the boo boos?
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Right?
Speaker 1 (21:37):
I mean, real love says let's talk about this. I'm here,
I see you, right, And if you can say it
with pet names, great, But if they're used to manipulate people.
Not okay, absolutely not okay. But my Julio is still
my baby and I am still the CEO. Just want
(21:59):
to say that when we come back, I have this
theory that I want to share with you. After all
my reading and writing and years of therapy, I have
come up with this theory that is, every single argument
and fight that we have all humans and intimate relationships,
(22:22):
there is one underlying factor. There actually is one of three,
and they all begin with the letter C. I'll explain
when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM
six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. So it's
been a few decades now since I have been reading
about and writing about the science of love. I like
to think of myself as America's journalists. I love journalists
out there. I wrote my first so I was in
(23:06):
graduate school in my thirties. I was home nursing babies
and going to school evenings and weekends, and pretty much
every single class I would take in psychology, I'd be like, oh,
my goodness, everybody should know this. And having been a journalist,
I was very good at taking complicated scientific stuff and
turning it into words that everybody can understand. I don't
(23:26):
call it dumbing it down. I call it just make
it accessible to everybody. So I started writing books about relationships,
mostly for single women, because I was probably trying to
solve my own problems in my own bad relationships. But
I just every day would read new studies, and thankfully
there are amazing researchers on the science of love around
(23:47):
the world, studying our interpersonal relationships from a biological and
neurochemistry perspective, from a psychological perspective, and a sociological looking
at our community and dating apps and the pressures and
you know what somebody's love resume looks like, et cetera.
So they're studying all of this, I keep reading it.
The thing that interests me most are obviously choices, right
(24:11):
because making a bad choice and a romantic partner, we know,
can set people up for a bad life. Okay, A poverty,
bad health, bad mental health, et cetera. But also I'm
most interested to learn about healthy couples and what it
is they do to stay together. So I do talk
a lot about the things we should be doing now.
For me, I came from a family that was mostly
(24:34):
conflict avoidant until somebody exploded. But like, the most angry
I think I ever saw my dad in my life
was he would slightly slam a kitchen cabinet door and
go a little whistle. That's it. That was anger for him.
So I never saw anybody talking out a problem or
(24:56):
solving a problem. So I learned to avoid conflict. So
for me, probably the most important relationship skill I learned
was finding out a way to express my needs but
in a non confrontational way.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
It doesn't always have to turn into an argument, and
you don't always have to blame the person, But you
can talk about your needs in a way that you
feel are deserving to have those needs met. So it
can be a very calm conversation, and still arguments happen.
Arguments happen in every interpersonal relationships, right, and they happened
often over the silliest things. Who's doing more dishes, what
(25:33):
temperature the thermostat should be on, who forgot to text back
or whatever?
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Right?
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Spoiler alert. I have learned that most of our fights
are rarely about the thing we're actually fighting about, because
behind every couple's fight, there's an unmet emotional need that's
quietly screaming see me, hear me, please please you know so,
(26:03):
I feel that almost every relationship conflict boils down to
one of three underlying needs. Stay with me here. They
are number one. Care. Some people need care, and they
will fight over certain things. But what they're really saying
is I need you to be my mommy right now.
I'm having a rough day. I need you to care
(26:24):
for me. But rarely do people say that. They come
in and go how did all these dishes get in
the sink? I'm supposed to come home after my long
day at work and do these dishes. Right. What they're
really saying is I had a hard day at work.
I need a little love and care, and when I
see more work to do, I don't feel cared for. Right.
The other thing people argue about is credit. Who gets credit?
(26:48):
Because in our lives, we want to be seen, we
want to be heard, we want our contributions to be acknowledged.
And finally, it's control. People don't like to feel out
of control. They also don't like to feel controlled by
somebody else. So let's break them down a little bit.
Once you know how to spot them, you will I
(27:08):
promise you will never fight the same way again. So
let's talk about care. This might show up when a
partner says something like, you know you never check in
when you're late. I can't believe you didn't notice that
I was upset. So on the surface, it might looks
like they're just being critical, right, but what they're really
(27:30):
saying is I need to know that I matter to you.
I need to feel cared for. And this need for
care is normal and it's healthy, and it is a
need for emotional safety and attachment. And when couples feel
consistently cared for, their stress response is lower, their connection deepens.
(27:56):
So when their needs go unmet, of course, their nervous
system totally freaks out. So that's when the fights begin.
So the next time you hear your partner say something
like you never check in with me, instead of saying
yeah I do, I did last week, So I forgot
one time, right, and getting defensive. You could just say, oh, honey,
(28:17):
you missed me, you missed my text. I'm sorry. I'm
gonna try harder to text in because I love you.
All you need to do is acquiesce and show care
and show attachment. Okay, the second category credit. This one
shows up when a partner says, you act like I
(28:37):
do nothing around here. You didn't even thank me for
planning the whole weekend when your family came. All they're
doing is asking for appreciation. They want to be seen,
they want to be valued, they want to be validated
for their effort. We all deserve this. There's a study
that came out of the University of Georgia and it
found that expressing gratitude is one of the strongest predictors
(29:00):
of marital satisfaction. We all want credit where credit is due.
So if your partner's cranky, maybe after vacuuming the whole
house and you just nod, maybe what you really need
to say is, hey, thank you so much, that's amazing.
For instance, when I go out of town and I
have to for work quite often, my husband Julio loves
(29:24):
to clean. I'm sorry, but he just loves to clean.
I come home and all the laundry is done, neatly folded,
even the floors are mopped. It smells like a professional
has been in there. And I always make a point
when I come home of saying, oh my god, the
place is so clean. Oh, thank you so much. Given
a little credit goes a long way. You do not
lose your power by complimenting and giving gratitude to your partner.
(29:48):
You actually gain power because you gain a more secure relationship.
All right, finally, control, Oh my goodness. We all want
a little bit of control. And here's how how we
watch for it. I'm going to talk about this when
we come back, as well as five things happy couples
do every weekend. I think coolio and I do four
(30:10):
of the five. Maybe we'll talk about it when we
come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show
on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. Happy Memorial Day Weekend. You know it's funny.
I don't know what's going on with my brain, but
(00:21):
I keep calling it Labor Day weekend. I think that's
in September, isn't it. It's Memorial Day weekend. Hey, if
you've never listened to my show before, I have a
PhD in clinical psychology, I am a psychology professor at
California State University, Channel Island Go Dolphins, and I am
obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books
(00:43):
on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, and I'm
just obsessed with the skills, mainly because I had a
long life of poor relationship skills myself, a lot of
bad relationships I used to I finally learned that there
was a common denominator in every one of my relationships,
and it was uh me. I was choosing them right.
(01:05):
So I'm really interested in our brains, our behavior, and
how it works. In tonight's show, I want to talk
about a new global study that talks about why we
really do choose our mates. And also, are you one
of those people who uses pet names? I call my
husband baby, hey, baby, baby, comme here, baby, well, sweetie, honey, love, cutie.
(01:30):
Whatever those pet names may indicate something good or something bad,
We're going to talk about it. And also, what are
you two really fighting about? I know you think you're
arguing about the cap on the toothpaste, or the closet
door hanging open, or somebody not doing enough chores. But
there are three c's that underline every fight, and I
(01:52):
will help you identify them. But first, can we talk
about why Memorial Day still matters? I mean psychologically speaking,
we know we love the barbecues, we love the sales,
the beach traffic out of oh but let's talk about
what it really means. Because after the sunshine and the
(02:13):
hot dogs and the you know, we're basically launching summer
with Memorial Day weekend, But there's also something profoundly psychological
going on, and I think we shouldn't miss it. I
think it can create meaning for us. Remember Memorial Day
is a national ritual of remembrance. It's the one day
(02:38):
that we set aside to honor United States military service
members who died in service to their country. Oh no,
I know you guys are at your beer and your
barbecue and you're like, really is she going there? Sounds
a little solemn, but it does matter for all of
us because from a psychological standpoint, rituals help us process grief. Okay,
(03:03):
so we know that if we have grief in our
own personal lives, whether we go to a funeral I'm Irish,
so Irish Catholic wakes are big amongst us, or any
other kind of religious ceremony, or maybe you're just doing
something like lighting a candle. What rituals do is they
create structure for our feelings, structure for our emotions. They
(03:26):
help us make sense of loss. Now, Memorial Day is
a national ritual, which is an added benefit because it
allows us to do this together. You see, when you
grieve as a group, something powerful happens because our pain
becomes shared and our healing becomes shared too. Now, Memorial
(03:48):
Day also strengthens our sense of identity. You know, it's
not just personal here, it's a national identity. There's a
theory in psychology called social identity to te theory, and
that's when you bond with people because of shared social values.
So on Memorial Day, you could say that we all
kind of hopefully like to adopt values of bravery, sacrifice, duty,
(04:14):
and this helps us feel more connected. And I'm not
gonna lie to you, this is a time when so
many Americans feel divided. We feel like we're on separate teams,
which shouldn't be at all, and so hopefully it is
our holidays that will bring us back together. There's also
(04:35):
another layer. Whenever you're grieving or thinking about loss or
the loss of others, maybe you know a family who
has lost somebody in a war, somebody who has paid
their dues with military service, there is this moment where
you have that sense of there, but for the grace
of God, go I, and there is a moment of gratitude.
(04:56):
So I hope today that we can also pause to
reflect on those people who have given their lives so
that we can tap into one of the most psychologically
healing emotions, and that is gratitude. Because research shows that
gratitude boosts happiness, it reduces our stress it helps us
(05:19):
sleep better. So I want everybody. I know it's the
end Memorial Days tomorrow, but I want you, at some point,
maybe when you wake up in the morning, to take
a few moments, a quiet moment, to just stop and
feel thankful. Thankful that you're healthy, Thankful that your family's healthy,
Thankful that you didn't lose somebody in a war, Thankful
(05:42):
that you don't have somebody overseas now, Thankful that the
person you have who's serving is brave, and you're grateful
that you were able to give. But spending some time
a quiet moment feeling gratitude, and hey, you might be
watching a parade, maybe you're laying flowers on a gray
but I promise you this isn't just patriotic. It can
(06:04):
help you regulate your emotions. Now, I'm not gonna lie.
Memorial Day I mentioned at the beginning, is about food
and fun. It's also I like to call it a
family legacy day. It's a time when families can and
friends can get together, share stories, remember family members who
are no longer with us. They're psychologists who study something
(06:26):
called narrative identity, and they found that when kids grow
up in a family that tells stories, that talks about
the triumphs, that talks about the heartbreaks, that talks about
the resilience. These kids grow up stronger and more grounded.
So tomorrow and Memorial Day, I want you to look
(06:46):
at the young people around you and your family, and
I want you to tell them some story about your
family history. And yes, enjoy the rest of the weekend,
soak up the sun, but take a moment to reflect
on why Memorial Days here because it is good for you. Okay,
when we come back, let's get into the science of love.
(07:06):
My favorite topic is love the glue. There's a new
global study that reveals why we really do choose our mates.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show a KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on I
Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know,
I love evolutionary psychology and I believe that we are
all wired to bond, that our closest love relationships were
meant for our survival. Yes, our literal survival. People exchanged
(07:50):
care a you bring me back some nuts and roots
and maybe the odd kill, and I will take care
of the children. There was this division of domestic responsibility
by the way, that could have been done by any
gender in our history. And so there's survival, which is
just an exchange of care, but there's also deep emotional
(08:10):
survival and that is why we are born to attach,
and in fact, our early life relationships start to determine
our attachment style. But there is new science. There's a
new global study that reveals why we really choose our mates.
It kind of helps explain why we fall in love
(08:30):
with who and most importantly, why many of us never
feel settled until we have found our mate. So here's
my question. Would you marry someone who checked all of
your boxes? They were maybe kind stable, financially secure. You
don't want to miss that one, but you weren't in
(08:51):
love with them. If your gut reaction is no fliping way,
well I want to tell you you're not alone. So there's
this new global study published in the journal Human Nature,
and it asked more to than eighty six thousand people.
That's a lot, and it's a cross cultural study, so
it was from ninety countries whether they'd be willing to
(09:12):
marry somebody without romantic love, and the overwhelming answer was
absolutely not so for most people that feeling of love,
and we know it's a cocktail of neurotransmitters that hit
the brain and make us a little delusional and a
little crazy. It's not just a bonus, it's a requirement.
(09:34):
And because this study was done in many different cultures,
we can safely say it's not just a cultural thing,
it's a human thing. The researchers looked at people from
all kinds of countries, different income levels, different genders, different
family sizes, And what they found, of course, is that
love is universal and the importance of a law of
(09:56):
love in long term commitment, though, does depend on your
life life circumstances. Now, stay with me, let's unpack this.
The science here is really juicy. So one theory that's
gaining a lot of traction is that romantic love evolved
as a commitment device. I'm a believer in that. That's
the evolutionary psychologists who think that, in other words, love
exists not just to give us butterflies in our stomach
(10:18):
and make us a little delusional at the beginning, but
it actually was designed to help us stick it out
through the hard stuff. It is Mother Nature's glue. It
keeps us bonded long enough to raise children, to build
our shared lives, and to survive modern life together. But
here's where the science gets really interesting. So people with
(10:39):
lower financial resources actually placed a higher value on love. Now,
I would have thought the opposite. I would have thought
if you were poor, you'd be like, I don't care.
He's got money, I'm gonna marry him. I don't have
to love him. Right, it was the opposite. And it's
partly because when people don't have a lot of external support,
(11:00):
they don't have a trust fund, they don't have a
backup plan. A committed, loving partner becomes even more important.
And love is a glue.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
Love isn't just an emotion. Love is this survival strategy.
So the belief is if you're of lower income that
if they love me, they'll stay, and I don't have
many more options. Not surprisingly, there's a bit of a
gender divide. Women valued love more than men, and that
certainly fits with everything I've been saying for years about
what evolutionary psychologists say they've been telling us for decades.
(11:32):
Women bear the biological weight of reproduction. They don't need
a guide to flee. Right, They risk more, there's more investment,
there's more to lose. So love for women, if they
know a man loves them, is a powerful sign of
safety and long term reliability. So the research also showed
(11:53):
that even parents, especially those with many children, multiple children,
we're likely to say love matter deeply in their long
term relationships. And honestly, if you're a parent and you're
listening right now, you know you need more than a
short chart. You need more than a costco membership to
survive the chaos of family life. You need resilience. You
(12:15):
need real resilience. Love. You need somebody who feels like
they are motionally committed to stay. Now, here's another interesting
thing in the science here. People in more developed countries,
richer countries also valued love more highly. Maybe because our
(12:36):
survival needs are met, right, we can all earn a living,
get a job, et cetera, and that's when emotional fulfillment
becomes a priority. So in contrast, now we're talking about regions,
not individual. When I talked about lower income people say
they love is more important because that makes their partner
more sticky glue stuck to them, not leaving right in.
(12:57):
As you get wealthy, though, love becomes a different kind
of priority. People are like, I want my soul mate
because I can pay my own rent. I don't need
all of that. So in contrast, though, in regents where
marriage is still more about economics or social duty, there
are lots of places in the world love might not
be a deal breaker, right. There are plenty of places
(13:18):
in the world where arranged marriages still exist and are
perfectly accepted, and love is not necessary. So what am
I trying to tell you. I'm trying to tell you
that you're not being too picky if you're holding out
for love. In fact, your biology and your brain might
be working for you. Romantic love isn't frivolous. It's functional.
(13:43):
It fosters commitment, cooperation, and resilience. It helps people raise families,
helps communities stay together, It helps people weather life's storms.
But I do want to say, especially to women out
there who are holding out for this big piece of romance,
take love. You have a fertility window and if you
(14:04):
do want to become a mother, which is about eighty
percent of women. Then, you know, telling yourself that you're
looking for perfection is probably not a good idea. I
do want to say this, This is really important. Love
isn't just about chemistry. It's not just this, Oh my god,
I fell madly in love. It was love at first sight.
It's about what happens after that. It's about consistency, it's
(14:27):
about care, and it's about communication. You know. I've always
said that the highest price a woman can charge for
sex is care and commitment. So I always ask you
single ladies out there, are you charging that price? So remember,
life isn't love isn't just a feeling. It's definitely a
(14:47):
strategy and it is meant to be. Now, if you
are in love, maybe you're in a relationship. Do you
use those cut c pet names for your significant other?
Hello boo boo, hello bb sweetye pie, give me your
hendy pye. Do you use language like that? Oh, well,
we come back. You might be surprised that sometimes, just
sometimes that's a problem. I'll explain when we come back.
(15:10):
You're listening to The Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI Am
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty. So really early in my relationship with
my husband Julio, we met almost five years ago. I
don't know why. We just had an instant kind of
connection and I felt close. I think because you've probably
heard the story that on our very first coffee date,
(15:44):
I said to him, look, we could sit here and
tell each other like how cool we are, or why
don't we start by telling a story of how undateable
we believe we are. And so he told a story
and I told a story, and both stories were kind
of shame filled. So we started out with emotional intimacy
from the beginning. So very quickly we got emotionally close,
(16:09):
and very quickly I started calling him babyhay, babe, baby
coming over with time, me coming babe right. I just
I don't know, it was instinctual, It just happened. I
do believe on some deep psychological level that you know,
the deal in any love relationship is I'll be your
mommy if you be my mommy. On some you know,
(16:31):
raw deep infantile place, and so he's my baby. But
because we hadn't been together that long and he had
young adult children and we were going out to dinner,
he said to me one time, Hey, and we're out tonight,
can you try to not call me baby in front
of my kids. I think it's a little too much,
too soon for them. And I was like, oh, I
never even realized. I was like, oh, okay, sure, right,
(16:53):
because he was so worried about about how to integrate
his family with my family, et cetera. So in our case,
you know, very soon we were back into the pet names.
I'm trying to think what he calls me. He has
funny nicknames for me, like CEO. I like that name.
He calls me CEO, Hey, Ceo, or talk to the CEO.
(17:16):
I don't know, uh. And he also will call me dub,
like because my initials are ww double dub. Some people
say double dub. He'll just say dub. How you doing dub? Right?
But you know those names that so many people use, baby, sweetheart,
my queen, boo, honeybun. They can be really adorable, they
can be comforting. Sometimes they can be a little steamy.
(17:40):
So but it's important to know that pet names do
help us regular our emotions. We know if we're called
something sweet, it's our little private language. We feel secure. Right,
it makes us feel warmth in our relationship. But there's
an underside to it. Sometimes those sugar coated words are
just pure sugar. They're cover up. I like to say,
(18:01):
they're a soft shell hiding the hard to ruths. So
let me walk you through three psychological signs that your
pet names might not be showing real intimacy. So number one,
they're used too soon. Oh oh, that's what I did
with Julio. Well, sometimes pet names are designed to create
(18:24):
an illusion of closeness and manipulate somebody. That was not
the case with me and Jolio. I'm just gonna say that,
all right, didn't even realize I was doing it. There
are people out there, especially men, who do it to women,
who start using these cutesy names in order to manipulate
them either to give up sex or their bank account
or whatever they're after. Right, I know it can feel
(18:45):
really lovely early on, but when people start with the
babes way too early, you should be a little cautious
because this is false intimacy. This is mimicking intimacy. Okay.
Number two. Sometimes pet names are used in relationships to
shut somebody down, like, in other words, the person's thinking
(19:08):
if I call them some sweet name, then they'll stop
complaining because they'll feel happy. Right. So you go and
you express something that's a little negative a concern, and
your partner responds with something like, oh, someone's a little
cranky today, or don't worry your pretty little head, sweetheart.
(19:30):
Ew it sounds syrupy and sweet, but you know what
that is. That's infantilization. They're infantizing you, treating you like
a little baby, like you don't have even the thoughts
or ability to discuss what you're bringing up. That's a
put down pet name, all right. And the third one
(19:51):
is pet names that are used to completely avoid accountability. Right,
and this is often I mentioned right after a fight.
So instead of apologizing or take the time to work
through an issue, your partner says, don't be mad, baby,
you know I adore you, baby, you're my angel. Okay.
(20:11):
I love a good nickname, but when it's designed as
a distraction or fake emotional appeasement, this is not good. Now,
remember I do want to make it clear not all
pet names are manipulative. In healthy relationships, I like to
think they're like a little sweet seasoning, right, little sweetness
(20:32):
to enhance the flavor. But they should never replace the
main course. And that is honesty and having emotionally attuned conversations.
So here's what I want you to ask yourself the
next time your partner uses a pet name. Do those
pet names show up more during connection, when you're being
(20:55):
close for play after play, giving each other care, or
more likely after an argument after conflict. Ask yourself when
do they show up? Number two? Do your pet names
build intimacy or distract from it? Intimacy can mean expressing
something negative, but it's real and it's honest. That's intimate, right,
(21:17):
And is somebody trying to distract you from it? And
at the end of the day, do those pet names
help you feel soothed or do they kind of irritate you?
Like you got to ask your own gut about this.
Are you feeling irritated with the baby honey, CUTI stuff
the boo boos?
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Right?
Speaker 1 (21:37):
I mean, real love says let's talk about this. I'm here,
I see you, right, And if you can say it
with pet names, great, But if they're used to manipulate people.
Not okay, absolutely not okay. But my Julio is still
my baby and I am still the CEO. Just want
(21:59):
to say that when we come back, I have this
theory that I want to share with you. After all
my reading and writing and years of therapy, I have
come up with this theory that is, every single argument
and fight that we have all humans and intimate relationships,
(22:22):
there is one underlying factor. There actually is one of three,
and they all begin with the letter C. I'll explain
when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM
six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. So it's
been a few decades now since I have been reading
about and writing about the science of love. I like
to think of myself as America's journalists. I love journalists
out there. I wrote my first so I was in
(23:06):
graduate school in my thirties. I was home nursing babies
and going to school evenings and weekends, and pretty much
every single class I would take in psychology, I'd be like, oh,
my goodness, everybody should know this. And having been a journalist,
I was very good at taking complicated scientific stuff and
turning it into words that everybody can understand. I don't
(23:26):
call it dumbing it down. I call it just make
it accessible to everybody. So I started writing books about relationships,
mostly for single women, because I was probably trying to
solve my own problems in my own bad relationships. But
I just every day would read new studies, and thankfully
there are amazing researchers on the science of love around
(23:47):
the world, studying our interpersonal relationships from a biological and
neurochemistry perspective, from a psychological perspective, and a sociological looking
at our community and dating apps and the pressures and
you know what somebody's love resume looks like, et cetera.
So they're studying all of this, I keep reading it.
The thing that interests me most are obviously choices, right
(24:11):
because making a bad choice and a romantic partner, we know,
can set people up for a bad life. Okay, A poverty,
bad health, bad mental health, et cetera. But also I'm
most interested to learn about healthy couples and what it
is they do to stay together. So I do talk
a lot about the things we should be doing now.
For me, I came from a family that was mostly
(24:34):
conflict avoidant until somebody exploded. But like, the most angry
I think I ever saw my dad in my life
was he would slightly slam a kitchen cabinet door and
go a little whistle. That's it. That was anger for him.
So I never saw anybody talking out a problem or
(24:56):
solving a problem. So I learned to avoid conflict. So
for me, probably the most important relationship skill I learned
was finding out a way to express my needs but
in a non confrontational way.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
It doesn't always have to turn into an argument, and
you don't always have to blame the person, But you
can talk about your needs in a way that you
feel are deserving to have those needs met. So it
can be a very calm conversation, and still arguments happen.
Arguments happen in every interpersonal relationships, right, and they happened
often over the silliest things. Who's doing more dishes, what
(25:33):
temperature the thermostat should be on, who forgot to text back
or whatever?
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Right?
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Spoiler alert. I have learned that most of our fights
are rarely about the thing we're actually fighting about, because
behind every couple's fight, there's an unmet emotional need that's
quietly screaming see me, hear me, please please you know so,
(26:03):
I feel that almost every relationship conflict boils down to
one of three underlying needs. Stay with me here. They
are number one. Care. Some people need care, and they
will fight over certain things. But what they're really saying
is I need you to be my mommy right now.
I'm having a rough day. I need you to care
(26:24):
for me. But rarely do people say that. They come
in and go how did all these dishes get in
the sink? I'm supposed to come home after my long
day at work and do these dishes. Right. What they're
really saying is I had a hard day at work.
I need a little love and care, and when I
see more work to do, I don't feel cared for. Right.
The other thing people argue about is credit. Who gets credit?
(26:48):
Because in our lives, we want to be seen, we
want to be heard, we want our contributions to be acknowledged.
And finally, it's control. People don't like to feel out
of control. They also don't like to feel controlled by
somebody else. So let's break them down a little bit.
Once you know how to spot them, you will I
(27:08):
promise you will never fight the same way again. So
let's talk about care. This might show up when a
partner says something like, you know you never check in
when you're late. I can't believe you didn't notice that
I was upset. So on the surface, it might looks
like they're just being critical, right, but what they're really
(27:30):
saying is I need to know that I matter to you.
I need to feel cared for. And this need for
care is normal and it's healthy, and it is a
need for emotional safety and attachment. And when couples feel
consistently cared for, their stress response is lower, their connection deepens.
(27:56):
So when their needs go unmet, of course, their nervous
system totally freaks out. So that's when the fights begin.
So the next time you hear your partner say something
like you never check in with me, instead of saying
yeah I do, I did last week, So I forgot
one time, right, and getting defensive. You could just say, oh, honey,
(28:17):
you missed me, you missed my text. I'm sorry. I'm
gonna try harder to text in because I love you.
All you need to do is acquiesce and show care
and show attachment. Okay, the second category credit. This one
shows up when a partner says, you act like I
(28:37):
do nothing around here. You didn't even thank me for
planning the whole weekend when your family came. All they're
doing is asking for appreciation. They want to be seen,
they want to be valued, they want to be validated
for their effort. We all deserve this. There's a study
that came out of the University of Georgia and it
found that expressing gratitude is one of the strongest predictors
(29:00):
of marital satisfaction. We all want credit where credit is due.
So if your partner's cranky, maybe after vacuuming the whole
house and you just nod, maybe what you really need
to say is, hey, thank you so much, that's amazing.
For instance, when I go out of town and I
have to for work quite often, my husband Julio loves
(29:24):
to clean. I'm sorry, but he just loves to clean.
I come home and all the laundry is done, neatly folded,
even the floors are mopped. It smells like a professional
has been in there. And I always make a point
when I come home of saying, oh my god, the
place is so clean. Oh, thank you so much. Given
a little credit goes a long way. You do not
lose your power by complimenting and giving gratitude to your partner.
(29:48):
You actually gain power because you gain a more secure relationship.
All right, finally, control, Oh my goodness. We all want
a little bit of control. And here's how how we
watch for it. I'm going to talk about this when
we come back, as well as five things happy couples
do every weekend. I think coolio and I do four
(30:10):
of the five. Maybe we'll talk about it when we
come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show
on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.