Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there! Dr. Wendy is talking about the psychology behind Mother's Day and how to NOT blame your mom, fathers absence and romantic relationship ideals, and how to improve your emotional intelligence. It's all on KFIAM-640!!!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendywallsh Show. If you're new to my show. I
am a psychology professor at California State University, Channel Islands.
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I am obsessed
(00:22):
with the science of love and what better day to
talk about love than Mother's Day. It is the original
love for all of us. It is our roadmap for love.
I know, I know the dad has something to do
with it too. Abandoning daddy thing is a syndrome, it's
a thing. But let's talk about the very beginning of
(00:45):
our life, when the care that that person gives becomes
this internal model for how we go out to have
adult romantic relationships. I will admit Mother's Day to me
is a little bit of a hallmark holiday because I
had been a single mother for twenty years. I didn't
(01:07):
find it glamorous at all to have to take myself
out with my kids and pay the bill for a
brunch or something. So I kind of dismissed it and
gave it up. But things are better now. My daughters
are twenty six and twenty one. They packed a picnic
because my older daughter did, but they both showed up
at the beach.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
We went to the beach. It was a beach day today, Kayla.
How you doing.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
I'm living the dream doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
And did you celebrate Mother's Day? And anyway, I know
you lost your mom.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
I did.
Speaker 4 (01:35):
Actually, her twentieth anniversary death Ofversary is coming up, so
we are. I was looking into a butterfly release because
we're all going to go to the beach when I
go home and release some butterflies and have a little ceremony.
So that was my Mother's Day gift her and I
kind of dressed like her today. She always were dresses
like this. I'm like, you know what dress?
Speaker 1 (01:51):
It's got like a simple linen dressing, some ESPA drills.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Oh that's so nice.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
And so when you were young, your mom passed when
you were fourteen?
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Was Mother's Day a hard day for you?
Speaker 3 (02:03):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (02:04):
Yeah, it was awful, especially since you passed away around
Mother's Day. I was in the eighth grade, it was
twenty fourth, so I think we were like making Mommy's
Day cards and she was in the hospital and then
she like never came home.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
So it was super awful.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
And all my friends had mom's only one friend thought
to send me messages every year, like, I know, this is.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Stuff for you and I love you. Only one.
Speaker 4 (02:22):
Now I have a gazillion of them, but it was
a little stuff growing up.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
There are a lot of complicated emotions that can come
up with Mother's Day, depending on what kind of relationship
people have with their mother. Brigeta, Happy Mother's Day to you,
Thank you, thank you. How did you celebrate? I hung
out with my little three year old and my mom
and my mother in law, my husband.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Oh that was fun. They're so yummy at the day.
I sho, I know, it's so great. Before they start
rolling their eyes at you, she does that, trust me.
I love them. Rooel. Did you celebrate your mom today?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
I did.
Speaker 5 (02:53):
We went to the cemetery and kind of like, oh,
does your mother pass away? No, she's alive, but my
grandma we celebrate her. She was of the family, the
Queen Pin. Yeah, Queen Pin exactly. Well, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
She was tough she was a kingpin.
Speaker 5 (03:07):
Yeah, she's made it all.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
But it's amazing how mother's and Mother's Day can bring
up so many different emotions and feelings before. I want
to talk a lot about that in the next couple segments.
But let's talk about the Dare I say at the
mother of the country, Milania.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Oh, doctor Wendy, Yeah, Happy Mother's Day to you, dug,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
But I do want to talk about Milania Trump because
she's been so Mia and she showed up at the
White House today and she spoke about motherhood.
Speaker 6 (03:44):
We have that motherhood the life changing event that makes
women invincible and exposed at the same time. It's remarkable,
really that my son's life creates unimaginable, unpredictable concerns and
treats for me. Even until this day, all caring mothers
(04:08):
understand this rare feeling. Nothing against fathers, of course, but
in my opinion, and I'm sure everyone.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
In this room agrees, yes, invincible and exposed. That's an
interesting way. I always say that when they hand you that,
you know, six seven eight pounds of flesh, they also
hand you about forty pounds of laundry every day and
they hand you about one hundred pounds of guilt. It's
filled with joy, and it's filled with what did I
(04:41):
do wrong? How could it be my responsibility? I wanted
to talk specifically about millenia because President Trump has been
in office for I don't know, like one hundred and
twelve days or one hundred and fifteen somewhere in there,
and she has only made appearances fourteen days fourteen days.
She has already clearly said she's not going to live
(05:03):
at the White House this time around. She spends her
time hold up in mar A Lago in Florida or
in the apartment in New York. Her son, Baron is
now eighteen and going to NYU. If you know anything
about New York and the campus of NYU, there kind
of isn't a campus. It's just it's a city university.
The campus is New York. So maybe she wants to
(05:24):
keep her eye on him a little more and be there.
But remember how much Barack Obama said that Michelle hated
being trapped as a first lady. And I actually read
Michelle's book and there's one particular scene that really drilled
it home from me that what golden handcuffs you're in
and how trapped you are? It was I guess they
(05:46):
were that they had just passed a LGBTQ right to
marriage law, and so they shine the flag of the
multi colored rainbow flag on the White House, but she
couldn't see it from inside, and she was wearing some
khaki shorts and some sneak and a T shirt. And
she just grabbed her girls and said, we're going out,
because apparently you can't even leave the house unless you
(06:07):
make an appointment, and that there's enough secret service and
security there and they have to escort you to do anything.
But she wanted to go out right then and see it,
and it caused this whole drama in the White House
because they didn't have the and they tried to bar
the door from her, and finally it was decided that
if she stood in the shadows the darkness on the side,
(06:27):
she could catch a glimpse of it, but the people
wouldn't see that she was out there, and she wasn't
dressed appropriately. And I was just like, oh my goodness,
it's literally like being in a prison. So maybe just
maybe second time around, Malania is like I'm not having it.
It was awful the first four years. I don't want
to do that again. On the other hand, I was
(06:49):
having dinner. I was actually in New York this weekend,
and I was having dinner with a group of very smart,
powerful women. You probably know doctor Robbie Ludwig from CNN
and all the media does a lot of media. She's
a psychologist and attorney Lisa Bloom was there for the
picking the p Diddy trial, choosing of the jury. We're
talking about stuff, and you know, they said, you know,
(07:10):
Milennia has such a platform. She could do so much
good in the world. She could be literally shining the
light on so many causes and be changing the world
instead of pulling up at mar Lago or whatever. So
I understand that side of it too. Also, back in
fall of twenty twenty three, when I reported that they
(07:34):
supposedly had completely renegotiated the prenuptial agreement because he was
in the middle of all those trials, and some of
them were civil trials, that was going to cost him
a lot of money, and she wanted to make sure
that she and her son were going to be taken
care of, so she renegotiated that prenuptial agreement, and I
fondly renamed it her appearance contract, because I really think
(07:58):
like something happened in that negotiation, like, Okay, if you
win this time around, here's how many appearances per year
I will do, and this is what I'll do. So
maybe this indicates that she's a strong woman. Now, it
could be while we're speculating here, that I've heard he
doesn't really like the White House either, and he apparently
(08:18):
flies down to Marlago almost weekends, so maybe they just
have a weekend marriage.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
That's possible too.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
They've been together like twenty six years or something, right,
it's not like they're totally missing each other, and maybe
this works well for both of them. Maybe they have
grown into mature companionate love or as the cynics would say,
maybe it's just a contract and an agreement.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
I don't know, but anyway, she's not around and she's
not playing the role of first lady as much as
any other first lady in history. So it's fascinating to watch.
But I'm glad she came out on Mother's Day. Mother's
Day is you know, as I said, it's a hallmark holiday. Okay,
it was invented for us to like feel guilty and
buy flowers and chocolates and whatever. But there's lots of
(09:06):
complicated feelings and sometimes we feel blamed. So when we
come back, I want to talk a little bit more
about the psychology of Mother's Day and ways that we
cannot blame mom.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
There are actually some other.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
People we can blame, and I'll tell you who they
are when we come back. You are listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 7 (09:32):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I mentioned that
Mother's Day can bring up some complicated feelings and there
are many people who aren't so happy with how they
were raised and they have negative feelings about their mom.
(10:00):
And I want to talk about some of the psychological
tricks we can do to not blame our mothers so much.
Understand that they're human beings. Right when I hear people
either idealize their mothers, like oh my, oh my mom
was perfect, I love Nursey's my best friend. I'm like, hmm,
(10:22):
what's going on there? What if they repressed what's missing there?
And the same thing when I hear somebody say she
was awful, she was a bitch.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
And a witch and everything else, and I hated her and.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
She ruined my childhood, you know what, she was a
human being. When I hear people have a healthy relationship
and healthy memory of their mother, they usually say things like,
you know, my mom did the best with the tools
she had. She struggled with a bunch of stuff, and
(10:55):
we kids suffered a lot. I was able to grow
because of some of it, and I went to therapy
and worked out some of the others. So, you know,
I limit how much I see my mom because it
triggers me. But I understand what she must have gone through.
It must have been hard for her. That's called having
a healthy relationship with your mother, Right. You want to
(11:17):
look for somebody who doesn't. If let's say you're going
out on a date with somebody, you want to look
for somebody who doesn't completely idealize their mother or completely
trash their mother. There's something in between that's emotionally mature.
So here are some reasons why maybe your mother wasn't
the best mother in the world, and don't blame her. Well,
(11:37):
it could be you could blame the people who treated
her bad during her pregnancy. There's actually research on this.
Mothers who experience a calm, RESTful pregnancy tend to have
calmer babies. Those who are exposed to elevated levels of
stress hormones during their pregnancies have babies who are more anxious.
(11:58):
So what she went through during her pregnancy with you
may not have been her fault. There may have been
a whole bunch of environmental things and she was under
a great deal of stress, and so you.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Can't really blame her for that.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Well, the other thing you can blame is you can
blame your great grandmother or your great grandfather. We have
learned so much about behavioral genetics or epigenetics, the theory
that we inherit certain traits and behaviors from our ancestors.
So if your grandmother was anxious, that gene might have
just carried on through.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Maybe your mother was. Also.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
There's learned behavior right that your mother may have been
treated cruelly by her parents, and maybe she was a
slightly better mother to you than what she experienced or
her that's a step up. I'm sorry you were the
beneficiary of it, negative beneficiary, right. But we do know
(13:01):
that there is a genetic component to how people parent.
We also know that there's a genetic component to our
own levels of anxiety and depression. It's not that she
necessarily did something to you to make you anxious. It
may be that you know you've got the gene for it,
so you can sort of blame history and everything that happened.
(13:25):
And third, if you have negative feelings about your mother,
why don't you blame your father sometimes? Look, there's a
lot of research to show that there's a huge impact
of father absence. Right. One study published in Family Relations
said partial father absence was associated with higher levels of
(13:48):
psychological distress in children, increased maternal overprotection, and lower levels
do of maternal care. Complete father absce since correlated with
higher self criticism and lower maternal care. You know, mothers
aren't getting cared for. And also, research from Emory University
(14:11):
explored how father absence influences young adults' attitudes in their
romantic relationships. They found that people who didn't have a
consistent father figure tended to struggle to establish and maintain
romantic relationships, experience more discomfort with emotional intimacy. And so
(14:33):
we know that the mother is only half the story, right,
and it's really important that we not just blame. I
know the mom was the important one, especially in that
first year, but it takes two to help shape a child.
So I mentioned that there are complicated feelings that may
(14:54):
come up on Mother's Day, and the one I've been
talking about is grief for so many people, and we're
all supposed to be happy. It's a hallmark holiday, right.
Kayla just shared with us that this day is mixed
feelings for her because she lost her mother. How old
were you, Kayla when you lost your mother?
Speaker 3 (15:14):
I was fourteen. I just turned forty.
Speaker 4 (15:17):
Wow, actually was I had just turned fourteen, I was
graduating the eighth grade, my sister was getting ready for
her junior prom, and my brother was just about to
get married.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
She passed away like a week before all that was
supposed to happen. It's crazy time, back.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
The crazy time.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
I remember one of my closest friends her mom died
when she was seven, and she said like like so
they pulled her out of school immediately, and it was
mostly insular family and aunts and cousins that showed up
and stuff. And she said the thing that was most
distressing for her is when she went back to school,
everyone was giving her so much compassion and she wanted
(15:52):
a break from all the sadness. And she started crying
because the kids were being too nice to her, Like
she was like, well, how did they know? Like how
did they know? So a thing about grief is you
need to have breaks from it.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Yeah, very true, very true.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Yeah, So there are people who have lost a mother. Also,
Mother's Day can be particularly triggering for people who may
have lost a child, or people who have struggled with
a miscarriage or infertility. All of these things can be
emotional land minds for people on Mother's Day. But there's
a host of other emotions we might feel on Mother's Day.
(16:30):
When we come back, I want to talk about some
of those feelings because you might have experienced them today,
and also the positive emotions that we can and should
be trying to replace it with. Also, if you're a mom,
there's actually one simple way to have a happy Mother's Day.
(16:51):
So if it didn't happen this year, I'm going to
give you this advice for next year. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 7 (17:02):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
K I Am six forty you have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Thank
you for the nice talkbacks people have been sending in.
I know Mother's Day can be complicated for people. How
do people send a talk back in?
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Kyle?
Speaker 4 (17:20):
If they're listening on the iHeartRadio app, there's a little
microphone in the left hand corner. They press that microphone
and they can record a thirty second message to the show.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Oh that's so nice. She plays them on the break
for me. Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
All right, So let's talk some of the other complicated
emotions some people may feel on Mother's Day.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Guilt.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Some people feel that they're not doing enough for their mom,
or maybe their mothers inject that guilt. You know, mother's
out there. It's not your kid's job to make you happy.
If you're feeling not celebrated, it means you're not celebrating
yourself enough, not practicing enough self care. Maybe you have
some unmet needs from your childhood, right, just saying, but anyway,
(18:00):
kids might feel guilty that they're not doing enough. Some
people feel resentment because they're still feeling anger. They haven't processed,
they haven't worked through what happened. Maybe their parent had
been neglectful, abusive, or an emotionally unavailable mother. Right, so
it's normal to feel resentment. Some people feel envy. I
can't remember who I was. I was maybe it was
(18:23):
a TikTok video or something, and they were saying how
hard it was to grow up? Oh no, it was
a friend of mine telling me, Now, this friend of
mine is beautiful, just want to say, drop dead beautiful, blonde,
blue eyes, like you know America's you know, reversion of beauty.
And she told me that she always felt ugly because
her mother got so much attention. Our mother would look
(18:46):
like a Swedish supermodel and everywhere they went, and she
felt ugly comparatively, And I'm like, oh, how is this possible.
Another feeling you might have is loneliness on Mother's Day.
Maybe you're separated from your family, Maybe you're somebody who's
childless by choice or circumstance, and you're just feeling a
little lonely or disengaged today.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
That's okay. Regret.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Maybe there's some unresolved conflicts with mom and you regret
having missed some opportunities. Is never too late, just want
to say to make up with her.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Shame.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Hey moms out there, we all feel shame. We got
to learn to tolerate it better. So many of us
feel inadequate because we are judged. We're damned if we do,
damned if we don't. We are judged so much by society.
And some people feel confusion around Mother's Day. Maybe they're
from an adoptive family, maybe they are step families. To
think about non traditional caregivers or LGBTQ families.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
They're like, well, how should we feel on Mother's Day?
Speaker 1 (19:46):
I'm like, you know what if you feel like celebrating, celebrate,
that's really what it is. And nostalgia, you know, even
if your mom's still alive, the passing of time. If
you go onto my Instagram story today, I posted a
picture from a Mother's Day years ago, a beach day
that we did, and a beach day the three of
us did today myself and my two daughters, and because
(20:09):
we had nostalgia. My daughter, I said, well, if we're
doing a picnic, can we do like trees and shade
because that's where I am in my life now. And
she's like, no, I really want to go to the
beach like we did as kids, because I raised my
kids on Venice Beach that was like their backyard and
they wanted to go out and have a little beach day.
So we had some nostalgia about that. You know, there
are some positive emotions that we can kind of make
(20:31):
ourselves think. You know, thoughts are the beginning. Thoughts create feelings,
Our feelings create our behavior. Our behavior makes the environment
react to us that may confirm that original thought. So
if the original thought is positive, then that whole cycle,
that environmental feedback loop can be positive. So the big
(20:53):
one is gratitude. This is a time. Look, if your
mother did nothing else, she gave birth to you. Okay,
even if she was bio mom who disappeared. Whatever she
gave birth to you, find something to feel grateful for.
Whether it is maternal sacrifice, whether it is the support
of a mother, the love of a mother, or whether
(21:15):
she just gave you're here because of her gratitude. Gratitude
today can be a day of joy and connection, getting
together like Raouel did at the gravesite of his grandmother
with his mother there, all the generations, a time of
connection and getting together, and it's a time where you
can feel proud mom.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
Okay, it's not easy.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
And you know, some adult children might feel proud of
their mom too, but all moms out there, you should
feel proud. And I'm going to say when I say
it's not easy, it's partly because our culture does not
support motherhood.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
It really doesn't.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
And having to be a protector, a provider, a nurturer
and still have some dentity out there and modern capitalism.
It's crazy the pressure we put on moms. You should
be sitting under a tree nursing with a bunch of
women feeding you grapes. That should be it. You should
be cared for by a tribe of women. But anyway,
feel proud because you're doing it. And love, come on, guys, Love,
(22:17):
I Love is what we're really all about today. That's
really true, and I hope some people feel completely empowered
those moms out there.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
All right.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
I mentioned if you're a mother and you weren't happy
with your Mother's Day today. There is one simple way
to have a happy Mother's Day. Actually, there are four ways.
I thought up a lot, okay, but the big one's
coming at the end. I was sitting on a plane
(22:47):
last night writing all this up, and I was like, okay,
let's think about really, how can you ensure that you
have a happy Mother's Day next year? Well, the first
is recognize that it is a hallmark holiday that you
his guilt to increase sales. Okay, you don't have to
participate in it. And by the way, all the chocolates
and flowers are gonna be on sale tomorrow, so definitely go.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
You know, I went really early this morning.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
I went out for a walk and I walked like
a mile and a half to Gelson's just to buy
a quarter of milk.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
That's the only thing I was out of for my latte.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
And I went in. This sweet guy in the produce
department say, good morning, Mom, would you like a chocolate
covered strawberry? And I was so happy, And I thought
as I left, I saw all the bins of chocolate
cover strawberries, I'm like, they're gonna be on sale tomorrow.
I'm gonna go there. Okay, recognize it's a hallmark holiday.
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Number two, When
you extract anything from somebody else, whether it's an apology,
(23:41):
an acknowledgment, appreciation, it never feels as good. So if
you're a mother out there thinking I'm gonna tell my
kids next year, I expect a brunch, I expect champagne,
I expect a card. If you're doing that, you will
never be happy. Have you ever gotten in a fight
with some and then you say just say you're sorry. Okay,
(24:02):
just say you're sorry and they go, I'm sorry. Oh yeah,
feels real good, right, real authentic. You were just really
healed by those words. Right, What do you need them
to like fall on their knees and and you know,
just completely pray to you. No, okay, No, that extracted
appreciation never feels good, all right. Third way to have
(24:27):
a better Mother's Day next year, talk to your therapist
about your own unmet needs. It is not your kid's
job to make you happy.
Speaker 7 (24:42):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
I called a friend of mine today because I call
a lot of friends on Mother's days. She retired. She
retired to a small town because she was in a
small town, didn't know anybody and want to meet people.
Speaker 7 (24:54):
She got a.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Job as the greeter at home Depot, and she was
a school teacher her whole She's like, I'm going to
be the greeter. I'm going to wear that orange vest
and I'm going to be there and say good morning
to everybody. Well, of course they liked her so much.
Now she's in the accounting room counting the money in
the back. So I called her this morning. I go, hey,
what are you doing for Mother's Day? She goes, I'm
in the back room of home Depot counting the money.
(25:16):
We had a big day yesterday.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
I was laughing. I go, you're not going to celebrate yourself.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
She goes, No, my sisters and I took my mom
out to dinner last night. But she goes, when I
do nothing on Mother's Day, I'm happy.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
And here's why.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
And she has three adult sons, by the way, because
I guess when her mother in law was alive, everything
Mother's Day surrounded about her and it was all extracted appreciation. Right,
you had to come over, you had to dress up,
you had to cook for her and runch and tell
her she's great and hand her cards and roses and
the whole thing. And she felt this pressure to honor
her mother in law. Meanwhile she's raising three boys and
(25:51):
not being honored at that time, so she goes For me,
it's just a relief to do nothing, which brings me
to the fourth way to make you Mother's day so
much better next year, Lower your expectations and instead practice
some self care. If you need to feel better about yourself,
(26:13):
then give yourself that gift, whether it's going to a spa,
going to a gym. Look, I had a birthday last
week and I was so happy. I went to this
place called love Life down in where was it down
Not the South Bay Elsegundo, and I just had a massage.
I took a pilates glass, sipped a glasses champagne, had
(26:34):
lunch by myself. It felt great. I loved it. So
practice some self care and lower your expectations. What do
you think they're going to come in with a marching
band and a whole bunch of Look, some kids do,
some kids don't. But that doesn't mean you're not valuable,
worthy and deserving. But don't extract it from them. Just
(26:56):
go make a party for yourself, celebrate yourself in because
you should feel proud Mom of the work you did.
All right, I would digress if I did not do
some romantic relationship advice here, because, after all, it is
the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. When we come back, I'm
heading to my social media. If you have a relationship question,
send it by a direct message on Instagram at doctor
(27:18):
Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh, and I'm going to
be answering your questions with Doctor Wendy's wisdom when we
come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 7 (27:32):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Back to the Dr Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay, this
is the part of the show where I answer your
relationship questions. And because it is Mother's Day, I know
a lot of you are going to be with mom
or you're.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Exhausted because you were with mom.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
So I have had producer Kayla go into my dms
on social media and I am going to answer some
of the questions that you guys have said to me
this week.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
Thank you very much.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
And by the way, if you ever want to send
me questions, just you know, you can email me, you
can send them on a DM on Instagram whatever. Producer
Kayla finds it all right, Here we go, Dear doctor Wendy.
I met a wonderful man who wants to spend every
day with me before and after work, before and after.
He wears a ring on his left hand. He says,
it's not a wedding ring, it just matches his chain.
(28:26):
Am I being naive by believing him? Well, have you
done a background check? I don't. Yeah, you're being probably
a little bit naive. But he wants to spend every
day with That's the problem. The red left flag for
me actually isn't the ring. It's the fact that it's
too much too soon. He wants to spend all this
time with you before and after work. Is he sleeping over?
(28:49):
That's really I have many questions. Let me just say
I have many questions. I think for you to fly
off the handle because of a ring, I mean left hand,
that's a big one. Look, guy wears a ring on
their left hand if they're single.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
I just want to say that.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
But the other thing is, maybe it's too much too
soon if you just met him and he wants to
spend every waking minute with you, slow the role, do
some research. That's my advice, all right, Moving on, dear
doctor Wendy, I fell in love with someone who isn't
my type. Huh. He's twenty five years older than me,
of a different ethnicity and background, and has different political beliefs.
(29:28):
But he is so charming and he's breaking down my guard.
Should I listen to my heart?
Speaker 2 (29:34):
Yes? You should. Now, even though a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
Of people believe opposites attract, the truth is compatibility usually
lies when people have the same values. But there's something
interesting and ethnicity doesn't necessarily matter. That's nothing to do
with values.
Speaker 3 (29:54):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
But this political belief thing I'm going to key into
here for a minute. I think we all need to
be talking to each other more. I think that what
our political system and our social media and our regular
media has done has put people in one of two camps.
And identity politics is giving people an identity with their
(30:17):
and say, look, politics used to be that you went
into a private room called a voting booth. You cast
your vote in private, you didn't tell anybody what you did,
and you went out to dinner with all the other
Americans and nobody talked about it. Now we're wearing the shirt,
we're wearing, the hat we're out was signed.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
We own it. We are you know, whatever you may be.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
If you identify as a conservative or a liberal, it's
now something you are. It's part of your identity. I
want everyone to stop that nonsense. It's a behavior.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
You make a choice. You cast your vote.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Next next election, you might cast your vote a different way.
So everyone stop with the identity politics. But if you
met somebody who has different political beliefs and you're attracted
to them, this is a perfect opportunity for you to
open your mind and learn different sides of things.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
I have a friend who.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Has very different political beliefs, and we get along so
well because we're able to have differing points of view
and conversation. We don't avoid things. We talk about it.
But it's not my job to convince her, it's not
her job to convince me. But we just share openly
each other's opinions. I think we need to keep doing that,
all right, Moving on this one also on Instagram. Hey
(31:36):
doctor Wendy, Oh, I had a miscarriage last year and
my husband didn't acknowledge me for Mother's Day today. This
really hurts me. I'm sure he's hurting too, But what's
the best way to tell him? All Right, this is
one of those situations that I call whose problem is it?
Speaker 2 (31:56):
Situation?
Speaker 1 (31:58):
So, a miscarriage, which means you were denied the opportunity
to become a mother this year. Technically you're not a mother,
but you're going to be some day somewhere. But more
importantly is that you wanted your husband to acknowledge you
(32:21):
for Mother's not What did you want? Did you want
the brunch and the flowers and the champagne and the
thank you for being such a great mother, Because that's
sort of like getting awarded, rewarded, getting paid for a
job before you started doing it.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Now, I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
Pregnancy is no joke, and a miscarriage is painful and physical,
and yeah, that's part of motherhood.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Okay, get it, get it?
Speaker 1 (32:45):
But where are your unmet needs? Why did you put
your happiness on him? Why is he supposed to make
you happy? You know? I think this is a time
for Okay, So you know I'm a single mom, right
I was. I'm married now, but the kids were mine
before for twenty years, and I had a lot of lonely,
(33:06):
sad mother days because if I tried to go out
to a brunch, the kids would drive me crazy and
then I'd end up paying the check and I'm like,
what does this one?
Speaker 2 (33:14):
No one's honoring me.
Speaker 1 (33:15):
I'm paying for my own thing, right, And so I
did something different to trick my brain. Every Mother's Day,
I reached out to as many mothers as I knew,
and I texted them, I called them. If they were
single mother I might even send them a gift. And
I decided to express love to mothers rather than focus
(33:40):
on what about me nobody's appreciating me, because falling into
that little victim spiral can be a terribly dark place
to be. Hey, I want to give you compassion. I
know what you went through was really, really painful, but
it's not your husband's job to make you happy. Happiness
(34:03):
is an inside job, and you're going to find out
your way and you will be a mother someday.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
I can just feel it, all right, If.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
You would like to send me a question, send it
on Instagram at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy
Walsh and I'll answer it when we.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
Come back from the break.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI
AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've
been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear
us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
iHeartRadio app.
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendywallsh Show. If you're new to my show. I
am a psychology professor at California State University, Channel Islands.
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I am obsessed
(00:22):
with the science of love and what better day to
talk about love than Mother's Day. It is the original
love for all of us. It is our roadmap for love.
I know, I know the dad has something to do
with it too. Abandoning daddy thing is a syndrome, it's
a thing. But let's talk about the very beginning of
(00:45):
our life, when the care that that person gives becomes
this internal model for how we go out to have
adult romantic relationships. I will admit Mother's Day to me
is a little bit of a hallmark holiday because I
had been a single mother for twenty years. I didn't
(01:07):
find it glamorous at all to have to take myself
out with my kids and pay the bill for a
brunch or something. So I kind of dismissed it and
gave it up. But things are better now. My daughters
are twenty six and twenty one. They packed a picnic
because my older daughter did, but they both showed up
at the beach.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
We went to the beach. It was a beach day today, Kayla.
How you doing.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
I'm living the dream doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
And did you celebrate Mother's Day? And anyway, I know
you lost your mom.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
I did.
Speaker 4 (01:35):
Actually, her twentieth anniversary death Ofversary is coming up, so
we are. I was looking into a butterfly release because
we're all going to go to the beach when I
go home and release some butterflies and have a little ceremony.
So that was my Mother's Day gift her and I
kind of dressed like her today. She always were dresses
like this. I'm like, you know what dress?
Speaker 1 (01:51):
It's got like a simple linen dressing, some ESPA drills.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Oh that's so nice.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
And so when you were young, your mom passed when
you were fourteen?
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Was Mother's Day a hard day for you?
Speaker 3 (02:03):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (02:04):
Yeah, it was awful, especially since you passed away around
Mother's Day. I was in the eighth grade, it was
twenty fourth, so I think we were like making Mommy's
Day cards and she was in the hospital and then
she like never came home.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
So it was super awful.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
And all my friends had mom's only one friend thought
to send me messages every year, like, I know, this is.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Stuff for you and I love you. Only one.
Speaker 4 (02:22):
Now I have a gazillion of them, but it was
a little stuff growing up.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
There are a lot of complicated emotions that can come
up with Mother's Day, depending on what kind of relationship
people have with their mother. Brigeta, Happy Mother's Day to you,
Thank you, thank you. How did you celebrate? I hung
out with my little three year old and my mom
and my mother in law, my husband.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Oh that was fun. They're so yummy at the day.
I sho, I know, it's so great. Before they start
rolling their eyes at you, she does that, trust me.
I love them. Rooel. Did you celebrate your mom today?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
I did.
Speaker 5 (02:53):
We went to the cemetery and kind of like, oh,
does your mother pass away? No, she's alive, but my
grandma we celebrate her. She was of the family, the
Queen Pin. Yeah, Queen Pin exactly. Well, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
She was tough she was a kingpin.
Speaker 5 (03:07):
Yeah, she's made it all.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
But it's amazing how mother's and Mother's Day can bring
up so many different emotions and feelings before. I want
to talk a lot about that in the next couple segments.
But let's talk about the Dare I say at the
mother of the country, Milania.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Oh, doctor Wendy, Yeah, Happy Mother's Day to you, dug,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
But I do want to talk about Milania Trump because
she's been so Mia and she showed up at the
White House today and she spoke about motherhood.
Speaker 6 (03:44):
We have that motherhood the life changing event that makes
women invincible and exposed at the same time. It's remarkable,
really that my son's life creates unimaginable, unpredictable concerns and
treats for me. Even until this day, all caring mothers
(04:08):
understand this rare feeling. Nothing against fathers, of course, but
in my opinion, and I'm sure everyone.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
In this room agrees, yes, invincible and exposed. That's an
interesting way. I always say that when they hand you that,
you know, six seven eight pounds of flesh, they also
hand you about forty pounds of laundry every day and
they hand you about one hundred pounds of guilt. It's
filled with joy, and it's filled with what did I
(04:41):
do wrong? How could it be my responsibility? I wanted
to talk specifically about millenia because President Trump has been
in office for I don't know, like one hundred and
twelve days or one hundred and fifteen somewhere in there,
and she has only made appearances fourteen days fourteen days.
She has already clearly said she's not going to live
(05:03):
at the White House this time around. She spends her
time hold up in mar A Lago in Florida or
in the apartment in New York. Her son, Baron is
now eighteen and going to NYU. If you know anything
about New York and the campus of NYU, there kind
of isn't a campus. It's just it's a city university.
The campus is New York. So maybe she wants to
(05:24):
keep her eye on him a little more and be there.
But remember how much Barack Obama said that Michelle hated
being trapped as a first lady. And I actually read
Michelle's book and there's one particular scene that really drilled
it home from me that what golden handcuffs you're in
and how trapped you are? It was I guess they
(05:46):
were that they had just passed a LGBTQ right to
marriage law, and so they shine the flag of the
multi colored rainbow flag on the White House, but she
couldn't see it from inside, and she was wearing some
khaki shorts and some sneak and a T shirt. And
she just grabbed her girls and said, we're going out,
because apparently you can't even leave the house unless you
(06:07):
make an appointment, and that there's enough secret service and
security there and they have to escort you to do anything.
But she wanted to go out right then and see it,
and it caused this whole drama in the White House
because they didn't have the and they tried to bar
the door from her, and finally it was decided that
if she stood in the shadows the darkness on the side,
(06:27):
she could catch a glimpse of it, but the people
wouldn't see that she was out there, and she wasn't
dressed appropriately. And I was just like, oh my goodness,
it's literally like being in a prison. So maybe just
maybe second time around, Malania is like I'm not having it.
It was awful the first four years. I don't want
to do that again. On the other hand, I was
(06:49):
having dinner. I was actually in New York this weekend,
and I was having dinner with a group of very smart,
powerful women. You probably know doctor Robbie Ludwig from CNN
and all the media does a lot of media. She's
a psychologist and attorney Lisa Bloom was there for the
picking the p Diddy trial, choosing of the jury. We're
talking about stuff, and you know, they said, you know,
(07:10):
Milennia has such a platform. She could do so much
good in the world. She could be literally shining the
light on so many causes and be changing the world
instead of pulling up at mar Lago or whatever. So
I understand that side of it too. Also, back in
fall of twenty twenty three, when I reported that they
(07:34):
supposedly had completely renegotiated the prenuptial agreement because he was
in the middle of all those trials, and some of
them were civil trials, that was going to cost him
a lot of money, and she wanted to make sure
that she and her son were going to be taken
care of, so she renegotiated that prenuptial agreement, and I
fondly renamed it her appearance contract, because I really think
(07:58):
like something happened in that negotiation, like, Okay, if you
win this time around, here's how many appearances per year
I will do, and this is what I'll do. So
maybe this indicates that she's a strong woman. Now, it
could be while we're speculating here, that I've heard he
doesn't really like the White House either, and he apparently
(08:18):
flies down to Marlago almost weekends, so maybe they just
have a weekend marriage.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
That's possible too.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
They've been together like twenty six years or something, right,
it's not like they're totally missing each other, and maybe
this works well for both of them. Maybe they have
grown into mature companionate love or as the cynics would say,
maybe it's just a contract and an agreement.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
I don't know, but anyway, she's not around and she's
not playing the role of first lady as much as
any other first lady in history. So it's fascinating to watch.
But I'm glad she came out on Mother's Day. Mother's
Day is you know, as I said, it's a hallmark holiday. Okay,
it was invented for us to like feel guilty and
buy flowers and chocolates and whatever. But there's lots of
(09:06):
complicated feelings and sometimes we feel blamed. So when we
come back, I want to talk a little bit more
about the psychology of Mother's Day and ways that we
cannot blame mom.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
There are actually some other.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
People we can blame, and I'll tell you who they
are when we come back. You are listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 7 (09:32):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I mentioned that
Mother's Day can bring up some complicated feelings and there
are many people who aren't so happy with how they
were raised and they have negative feelings about their mom.
(10:00):
And I want to talk about some of the psychological
tricks we can do to not blame our mothers so much.
Understand that they're human beings. Right when I hear people
either idealize their mothers, like oh my, oh my mom
was perfect, I love Nursey's my best friend. I'm like, hmm,
(10:22):
what's going on there? What if they repressed what's missing there?
And the same thing when I hear somebody say she
was awful, she was a bitch.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
And a witch and everything else, and I hated her and.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
She ruined my childhood, you know what, she was a
human being. When I hear people have a healthy relationship
and healthy memory of their mother, they usually say things like,
you know, my mom did the best with the tools
she had. She struggled with a bunch of stuff, and
(10:55):
we kids suffered a lot. I was able to grow
because of some of it, and I went to therapy
and worked out some of the others. So, you know,
I limit how much I see my mom because it
triggers me. But I understand what she must have gone through.
It must have been hard for her. That's called having
a healthy relationship with your mother, Right. You want to
(11:17):
look for somebody who doesn't. If let's say you're going
out on a date with somebody, you want to look
for somebody who doesn't completely idealize their mother or completely
trash their mother. There's something in between that's emotionally mature.
So here are some reasons why maybe your mother wasn't
the best mother in the world, and don't blame her. Well,
(11:37):
it could be you could blame the people who treated
her bad during her pregnancy. There's actually research on this.
Mothers who experience a calm, RESTful pregnancy tend to have
calmer babies. Those who are exposed to elevated levels of
stress hormones during their pregnancies have babies who are more anxious.
(11:58):
So what she went through during her pregnancy with you
may not have been her fault. There may have been
a whole bunch of environmental things and she was under
a great deal of stress, and so you.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Can't really blame her for that.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Well, the other thing you can blame is you can
blame your great grandmother or your great grandfather. We have
learned so much about behavioral genetics or epigenetics, the theory
that we inherit certain traits and behaviors from our ancestors.
So if your grandmother was anxious, that gene might have
just carried on through.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Maybe your mother was. Also.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
There's learned behavior right that your mother may have been
treated cruelly by her parents, and maybe she was a
slightly better mother to you than what she experienced or
her that's a step up. I'm sorry you were the
beneficiary of it, negative beneficiary, right. But we do know
(13:01):
that there is a genetic component to how people parent.
We also know that there's a genetic component to our
own levels of anxiety and depression. It's not that she
necessarily did something to you to make you anxious. It
may be that you know you've got the gene for it,
so you can sort of blame history and everything that happened.
(13:25):
And third, if you have negative feelings about your mother,
why don't you blame your father sometimes? Look, there's a
lot of research to show that there's a huge impact
of father absence. Right. One study published in Family Relations
said partial father absence was associated with higher levels of
(13:48):
psychological distress in children, increased maternal overprotection, and lower levels
do of maternal care. Complete father absce since correlated with
higher self criticism and lower maternal care. You know, mothers
aren't getting cared for. And also, research from Emory University
(14:11):
explored how father absence influences young adults' attitudes in their
romantic relationships. They found that people who didn't have a
consistent father figure tended to struggle to establish and maintain
romantic relationships, experience more discomfort with emotional intimacy. And so
(14:33):
we know that the mother is only half the story, right,
and it's really important that we not just blame. I
know the mom was the important one, especially in that
first year, but it takes two to help shape a child.
So I mentioned that there are complicated feelings that may
(14:54):
come up on Mother's Day, and the one I've been
talking about is grief for so many people, and we're
all supposed to be happy. It's a hallmark holiday, right.
Kayla just shared with us that this day is mixed
feelings for her because she lost her mother. How old
were you, Kayla when you lost your mother?
Speaker 3 (15:14):
I was fourteen. I just turned forty.
Speaker 4 (15:17):
Wow, actually was I had just turned fourteen, I was
graduating the eighth grade, my sister was getting ready for
her junior prom, and my brother was just about to
get married.
Speaker 3 (15:27):
She passed away like a week before all that was
supposed to happen. It's crazy time, back.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
The crazy time.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
I remember one of my closest friends her mom died
when she was seven, and she said like like so
they pulled her out of school immediately, and it was
mostly insular family and aunts and cousins that showed up
and stuff. And she said the thing that was most
distressing for her is when she went back to school,
everyone was giving her so much compassion and she wanted
(15:52):
a break from all the sadness. And she started crying
because the kids were being too nice to her, Like
she was like, well, how did they know? Like how
did they know? So a thing about grief is you
need to have breaks from it.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Yeah, very true, very true.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Yeah, So there are people who have lost a mother. Also,
Mother's Day can be particularly triggering for people who may
have lost a child, or people who have struggled with
a miscarriage or infertility. All of these things can be
emotional land minds for people on Mother's Day. But there's
a host of other emotions we might feel on Mother's Day.
(16:30):
When we come back, I want to talk about some
of those feelings because you might have experienced them today,
and also the positive emotions that we can and should
be trying to replace it with. Also, if you're a mom,
there's actually one simple way to have a happy Mother's Day.
(16:51):
So if it didn't happen this year, I'm going to
give you this advice for next year. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 7 (17:02):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
K I Am six forty you have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Thank
you for the nice talkbacks people have been sending in.
I know Mother's Day can be complicated for people. How
do people send a talk back in?
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Kyle?
Speaker 4 (17:20):
If they're listening on the iHeartRadio app, there's a little
microphone in the left hand corner. They press that microphone
and they can record a thirty second message to the show.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Oh that's so nice. She plays them on the break
for me. Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
All right, So let's talk some of the other complicated
emotions some people may feel on Mother's Day.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Guilt.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Some people feel that they're not doing enough for their mom,
or maybe their mothers inject that guilt. You know, mother's
out there. It's not your kid's job to make you happy.
If you're feeling not celebrated, it means you're not celebrating
yourself enough, not practicing enough self care. Maybe you have
some unmet needs from your childhood, right, just saying, but anyway,
(18:00):
kids might feel guilty that they're not doing enough. Some
people feel resentment because they're still feeling anger. They haven't processed,
they haven't worked through what happened. Maybe their parent had
been neglectful, abusive, or an emotionally unavailable mother. Right, so
it's normal to feel resentment. Some people feel envy. I
can't remember who I was. I was maybe it was
(18:23):
a TikTok video or something, and they were saying how
hard it was to grow up? Oh no, it was
a friend of mine telling me, Now, this friend of
mine is beautiful, just want to say, drop dead beautiful, blonde,
blue eyes, like you know America's you know, reversion of beauty.
And she told me that she always felt ugly because
her mother got so much attention. Our mother would look
(18:46):
like a Swedish supermodel and everywhere they went, and she
felt ugly comparatively, And I'm like, oh, how is this possible.
Another feeling you might have is loneliness on Mother's Day.
Maybe you're separated from your family, Maybe you're somebody who's
childless by choice or circumstance, and you're just feeling a
little lonely or disengaged today.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
That's okay. Regret.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Maybe there's some unresolved conflicts with mom and you regret
having missed some opportunities. Is never too late, just want
to say to make up with her.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Shame.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Hey moms out there, we all feel shame. We got
to learn to tolerate it better. So many of us
feel inadequate because we are judged. We're damned if we do,
damned if we don't. We are judged so much by society.
And some people feel confusion around Mother's Day. Maybe they're
from an adoptive family, maybe they are step families. To
think about non traditional caregivers or LGBTQ families.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
They're like, well, how should we feel on Mother's Day?
Speaker 1 (19:46):
I'm like, you know what if you feel like celebrating, celebrate,
that's really what it is. And nostalgia, you know, even
if your mom's still alive, the passing of time. If
you go onto my Instagram story today, I posted a
picture from a Mother's Day years ago, a beach day
that we did, and a beach day the three of
us did today myself and my two daughters, and because
(20:09):
we had nostalgia. My daughter, I said, well, if we're
doing a picnic, can we do like trees and shade
because that's where I am in my life now. And
she's like, no, I really want to go to the
beach like we did as kids, because I raised my
kids on Venice Beach that was like their backyard and
they wanted to go out and have a little beach day.
So we had some nostalgia about that. You know, there
are some positive emotions that we can kind of make
(20:31):
ourselves think. You know, thoughts are the beginning. Thoughts create feelings,
Our feelings create our behavior. Our behavior makes the environment
react to us that may confirm that original thought. So
if the original thought is positive, then that whole cycle,
that environmental feedback loop can be positive. So the big
(20:53):
one is gratitude. This is a time. Look, if your
mother did nothing else, she gave birth to you. Okay,
even if she was bio mom who disappeared. Whatever she
gave birth to you, find something to feel grateful for.
Whether it is maternal sacrifice, whether it is the support
of a mother, the love of a mother, or whether
(21:15):
she just gave you're here because of her gratitude. Gratitude
today can be a day of joy and connection, getting
together like Raouel did at the gravesite of his grandmother
with his mother there, all the generations, a time of
connection and getting together, and it's a time where you
can feel proud mom.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
Okay, it's not easy.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
And you know, some adult children might feel proud of
their mom too, but all moms out there, you should
feel proud. And I'm going to say when I say
it's not easy, it's partly because our culture does not
support motherhood.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
It really doesn't.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
And having to be a protector, a provider, a nurturer
and still have some dentity out there and modern capitalism.
It's crazy the pressure we put on moms. You should
be sitting under a tree nursing with a bunch of
women feeding you grapes. That should be it. You should
be cared for by a tribe of women. But anyway,
feel proud because you're doing it. And love, come on, guys, Love,
(22:17):
I Love is what we're really all about today. That's
really true, and I hope some people feel completely empowered
those moms out there.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
All right.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
I mentioned if you're a mother and you weren't happy
with your Mother's Day today. There is one simple way
to have a happy Mother's Day. Actually, there are four ways.
I thought up a lot, okay, but the big one's
coming at the end. I was sitting on a plane
(22:47):
last night writing all this up, and I was like, okay,
let's think about really, how can you ensure that you
have a happy Mother's Day next year? Well, the first
is recognize that it is a hallmark holiday that you
his guilt to increase sales. Okay, you don't have to
participate in it. And by the way, all the chocolates
and flowers are gonna be on sale tomorrow, so definitely go.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
You know, I went really early this morning.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
I went out for a walk and I walked like
a mile and a half to Gelson's just to buy
a quarter of milk.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
That's the only thing I was out of for my latte.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
And I went in. This sweet guy in the produce
department say, good morning, Mom, would you like a chocolate
covered strawberry? And I was so happy, And I thought
as I left, I saw all the bins of chocolate
cover strawberries, I'm like, they're gonna be on sale tomorrow.
I'm gonna go there. Okay, recognize it's a hallmark holiday.
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Number two, When
you extract anything from somebody else, whether it's an apology,
(23:41):
an acknowledgment, appreciation, it never feels as good. So if
you're a mother out there thinking I'm gonna tell my
kids next year, I expect a brunch, I expect champagne,
I expect a card. If you're doing that, you will
never be happy. Have you ever gotten in a fight
with some and then you say just say you're sorry. Okay,
(24:02):
just say you're sorry and they go, I'm sorry. Oh yeah,
feels real good, right, real authentic. You were just really
healed by those words. Right, What do you need them
to like fall on their knees and and you know,
just completely pray to you. No, okay, No, that extracted
appreciation never feels good, all right. Third way to have
(24:27):
a better Mother's Day next year, talk to your therapist
about your own unmet needs. It is not your kid's
job to make you happy.
Speaker 7 (24:42):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
I called a friend of mine today because I call
a lot of friends on Mother's days. She retired. She
retired to a small town because she was in a
small town, didn't know anybody and want to meet people.
Speaker 7 (24:54):
She got a.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Job as the greeter at home Depot, and she was
a school teacher her whole She's like, I'm going to
be the greeter. I'm going to wear that orange vest
and I'm going to be there and say good morning
to everybody. Well, of course they liked her so much.
Now she's in the accounting room counting the money in
the back. So I called her this morning. I go, hey,
what are you doing for Mother's Day? She goes, I'm
in the back room of home Depot counting the money.
(25:16):
We had a big day yesterday.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
I was laughing. I go, you're not going to celebrate yourself.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
She goes, No, my sisters and I took my mom
out to dinner last night. But she goes, when I
do nothing on Mother's Day, I'm happy.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
And here's why.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
And she has three adult sons, by the way, because
I guess when her mother in law was alive, everything
Mother's Day surrounded about her and it was all extracted appreciation. Right,
you had to come over, you had to dress up,
you had to cook for her and runch and tell
her she's great and hand her cards and roses and
the whole thing. And she felt this pressure to honor
her mother in law. Meanwhile she's raising three boys and
(25:51):
not being honored at that time, so she goes For me,
it's just a relief to do nothing, which brings me
to the fourth way to make you Mother's day so
much better next year, Lower your expectations and instead practice
some self care. If you need to feel better about yourself,
(26:13):
then give yourself that gift, whether it's going to a spa,
going to a gym. Look, I had a birthday last
week and I was so happy. I went to this
place called love Life down in where was it down
Not the South Bay Elsegundo, and I just had a massage.
I took a pilates glass, sipped a glasses champagne, had
(26:34):
lunch by myself. It felt great. I loved it. So
practice some self care and lower your expectations. What do
you think they're going to come in with a marching
band and a whole bunch of Look, some kids do,
some kids don't. But that doesn't mean you're not valuable,
worthy and deserving. But don't extract it from them. Just
(26:56):
go make a party for yourself, celebrate yourself in because
you should feel proud Mom of the work you did.
All right, I would digress if I did not do
some romantic relationship advice here, because, after all, it is
the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. When we come back, I'm
heading to my social media. If you have a relationship question,
send it by a direct message on Instagram at doctor
(27:18):
Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh, and I'm going to
be answering your questions with Doctor Wendy's wisdom when we
come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 7 (27:32):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Back to the Dr Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay, this
is the part of the show where I answer your
relationship questions. And because it is Mother's Day, I know
a lot of you are going to be with mom
or you're.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Exhausted because you were with mom.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
So I have had producer Kayla go into my dms
on social media and I am going to answer some
of the questions that you guys have said to me
this week.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
Thank you very much.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
And by the way, if you ever want to send
me questions, just you know, you can email me, you
can send them on a DM on Instagram whatever. Producer
Kayla finds it all right, Here we go, Dear doctor Wendy.
I met a wonderful man who wants to spend every
day with me before and after work, before and after.
He wears a ring on his left hand. He says,
it's not a wedding ring, it just matches his chain.
(28:26):
Am I being naive by believing him? Well, have you
done a background check? I don't. Yeah, you're being probably
a little bit naive. But he wants to spend every
day with That's the problem. The red left flag for
me actually isn't the ring. It's the fact that it's
too much too soon. He wants to spend all this
time with you before and after work. Is he sleeping over?
(28:49):
That's really I have many questions. Let me just say
I have many questions. I think for you to fly
off the handle because of a ring, I mean left hand,
that's a big one. Look, guy wears a ring on
their left hand if they're single.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
I just want to say that.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
But the other thing is, maybe it's too much too
soon if you just met him and he wants to
spend every waking minute with you, slow the role, do
some research. That's my advice, all right, Moving on, dear
doctor Wendy, I fell in love with someone who isn't
my type. Huh. He's twenty five years older than me,
of a different ethnicity and background, and has different political beliefs.
(29:28):
But he is so charming and he's breaking down my guard.
Should I listen to my heart?
Speaker 2 (29:34):
Yes? You should. Now, even though a lot.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
Of people believe opposites attract, the truth is compatibility usually
lies when people have the same values. But there's something
interesting and ethnicity doesn't necessarily matter. That's nothing to do
with values.
Speaker 3 (29:54):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
But this political belief thing I'm going to key into
here for a minute. I think we all need to
be talking to each other more. I think that what
our political system and our social media and our regular
media has done has put people in one of two camps.
And identity politics is giving people an identity with their
(30:17):
and say, look, politics used to be that you went
into a private room called a voting booth. You cast
your vote in private, you didn't tell anybody what you did,
and you went out to dinner with all the other
Americans and nobody talked about it. Now we're wearing the shirt,
we're wearing, the hat we're out was signed.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
We own it. We are you know, whatever you may be.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
If you identify as a conservative or a liberal, it's
now something you are. It's part of your identity. I
want everyone to stop that nonsense. It's a behavior.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
You make a choice. You cast your vote.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Next next election, you might cast your vote a different way.
So everyone stop with the identity politics. But if you
met somebody who has different political beliefs and you're attracted
to them, this is a perfect opportunity for you to
open your mind and learn different sides of things.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
I have a friend who.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Has very different political beliefs, and we get along so
well because we're able to have differing points of view
and conversation. We don't avoid things. We talk about it.
But it's not my job to convince her, it's not
her job to convince me. But we just share openly
each other's opinions. I think we need to keep doing that,
all right, Moving on this one also on Instagram. Hey
(31:36):
doctor Wendy, Oh, I had a miscarriage last year and
my husband didn't acknowledge me for Mother's Day today. This
really hurts me. I'm sure he's hurting too, But what's
the best way to tell him? All Right, this is
one of those situations that I call whose problem is it?
Speaker 2 (31:56):
Situation?
Speaker 1 (31:58):
So, a miscarriage, which means you were denied the opportunity
to become a mother this year. Technically you're not a mother,
but you're going to be some day somewhere. But more
importantly is that you wanted your husband to acknowledge you
(32:21):
for Mother's not What did you want? Did you want
the brunch and the flowers and the champagne and the
thank you for being such a great mother, Because that's
sort of like getting awarded, rewarded, getting paid for a
job before you started doing it.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Now, I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
Pregnancy is no joke, and a miscarriage is painful and physical,
and yeah, that's part of motherhood.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Okay, get it, get it?
Speaker 1 (32:45):
But where are your unmet needs? Why did you put
your happiness on him? Why is he supposed to make
you happy? You know? I think this is a time
for Okay, So you know I'm a single mom, right
I was. I'm married now, but the kids were mine
before for twenty years, and I had a lot of lonely,
(33:06):
sad mother days because if I tried to go out
to a brunch, the kids would drive me crazy and
then I'd end up paying the check and I'm like,
what does this one?
Speaker 2 (33:14):
No one's honoring me.
Speaker 1 (33:15):
I'm paying for my own thing, right, And so I
did something different to trick my brain. Every Mother's Day,
I reached out to as many mothers as I knew,
and I texted them, I called them. If they were
single mother I might even send them a gift. And
I decided to express love to mothers rather than focus
(33:40):
on what about me nobody's appreciating me, because falling into
that little victim spiral can be a terribly dark place
to be. Hey, I want to give you compassion. I
know what you went through was really, really painful, but
it's not your husband's job to make you happy. Happiness
(34:03):
is an inside job, and you're going to find out
your way and you will be a mother someday.
Speaker 2 (34:09):
I can just feel it, all right, If.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
You would like to send me a question, send it
on Instagram at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy
Walsh and I'll answer it when we.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
Come back from the break.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI
AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've
been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear
us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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