November 4, 2024 • 32 mins
Dr. Wendy is talking about when you know it's time to get married, the benefits of a solo bachelorette trip, 2 things NOT to do in a relationship and what you absolutely should do. It's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. I feel like the weather's going to get
chilly soon. I feel like we are headed into fall.
(00:22):
The days are getting shorter. You know what that means,
Hi producer Kayla, how are you doing today, wonderful, Doctor
Wendy carry are you feeling fall like I am family
fall like I wore like fall colors today, sort of
rust and green. Yes, ready for it? So you know
what that means. In the world of relationships, the holidays
are coming up and that is often the big pressure
(00:45):
to propose right now. I should say that we know
that first time age. Let me get this straight. The
age of first time marriage has continued to go up.
Human beings are taking longer and longer too. I don't
like the term failing to launch. I like the term
(01:05):
giving the time necessary for the prefrontal cortex to fully developed.
Then you can make better decisions for yourself. Right. Look,
compare this in nineteen fifty, the average twenty seven year
old dude was married, had a mortgage, had two kids,
and that meant his wife was twenty five ish and
(01:28):
same thing by that age, right, people were getting married
at eighteen nineteen twenty. You know, I've read this interesting
statistic about education. Did you know in nineteen seventy only
four percent of Americans attended college. So it's not like
you had that four or six years of education to
eat up from age eighteen to twenty four, right. It
(01:50):
was like an evolutionary psychologist would say that reproduction is
far more urgent than education. Education is about eventually making money,
securing resources from the environment to pay for kids. Right.
So anyway, what does this mean for marriage? And now
an age of marriage and holidays coming up and proposals.
(02:10):
So let me talk about if I think your relationship
is ready for a proposal. Now you might be somebody
who's and I'm going to put gender on it just
for a second, because you know, I proposed to my husband,
you know that, right. We did it live on KFI,
so you can take out the gender piece. But there
were a few things we had before I popped the question,
(02:35):
and it was I knew what the answer was going
to be, right, So never ask a question. It's like
in a courtroom. Don't ask a question like that unless
you know what the answer is going to be. No surprises.
I was actually cruising online the other day and they
had a video of a proposal that went wrong. I
think it was staged because it was like some one
(02:55):
of those click trap videos whatever they're called clickbait things.
Was it?
Speaker 2 (02:59):
The girlf holds into the guy and she was like
counting down, like four hours until I proposed three hours
intel proposal.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
So what happened there? He said no.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
They were together for nine years and he told her
that he didn't want to get married.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Never ask a question you don't know the answer to.
I know this was a couple making out or walking
into a bedroom to make out and says, you know,
the most awkward wedding proposal, And then she happens, says
he's taking off his shoes and pulling down his pants.
She looks down and she sees a trail of rose
petals that go out the bedroom door, and she's like,
(03:32):
oh my god, I thought he was away on a
business trip. And she hides the boyfriend. She follows the
trail of rose petals into the bathroom where there's a
bubble bath and candles and everything, and he's humming along
laying out rose petals with his earbuds in so he
can't hear her come in. And he looks up and
(03:53):
he's like, oh, hi, honey, you're home early. I didn't
get fully set up. Yeah, I think it was a
fake video. But anyway, don't be proposing if you're having affairs,
either of you. Just want to say that, all right,
let's look at the science and the data and the
statistics on whether your relationship is ready for a marriage
proposal this holiday season. One. How old are you? Okay,
(04:15):
I'm just just statistical probability. The highest divorce rate are
with marriages that start before the age of twenty four. Now,
the prefrontal cortex, that's the part of your brain that
is very important for planning, organization, thinking about consequences, that's
(04:36):
not fully developed until at least twenty five or twenty six.
So if you're making a major life decision prior to that,
you have a good chance that you're making a wrong decision.
Like I often say, you shouldn't be allowed to do
make any decision except like ordering from a menu until
you're twenty five, all right, so your age please be
at least over the age of twenty four, please please please. Also,
(04:57):
let's talk about the length of your relationationships. So far,
I don't think any two people should even consider spending
the rest of their lives together. Put a pin in that.
I'll explain that that's not going to happen either in
a minute, but spending a very long time, potentially decades together,
maybe raising children together. You should not consider that unless
(05:19):
you've gone through at least four seasons with this person,
at least one calendar year. Please. When I hear about
people rushing to the altar after they've only met three
months ago, all I can think is, you are getting
married in the flush of high from all those neuro hormones.
It's lust phase, baby, It's not love yet. You haven't
even developed into love, so you need to go through
(05:41):
all the birthdays, all the holidays, all the seasons. I mean,
by the time I proposed to my Julio, we had
been together four years, right, so we're pretty sure. And
we also had a deal. We wanted to launch our
youngest kid, so we were waiting for his kid to
graduate high school. My kid graduated him from s to
Titian school, got a job or own place. You know,
(06:02):
we needed our youngest to be a little bit on
their feet, all right, So be together at least a year.
So you're over twenty five, you've been together at least
a year. Here's a crucial one. Your tribe approves, both
your tribes approve. I used to host a show for
Investigation Discovery called Happily Never After about brides and grooms
that killed each other. Spoiler alert is mostly the grooms
(06:24):
that did the killing, but almost one hundred percent of
the time they eloped because somebody's family didn't approve. So
please pay attention to the other people in your life
before you propose. And finally, do you have emotional intimacy?
I know that people go through the motions of a
(06:45):
love relationship. They think they're communicating, they have great sex,
they look great together, they have the same likes and interests,
But are they really vulnerable? Do they talk about their feelings?
Can they be authentic? Because at the end of the day,
what keeps relationships together is intimacy. And if you don't
(07:07):
have emotional intimacy, you have no business getting married now.
I mentioned if this decision and you think this decision
is about getting married and doing something for the rest
of your life, you're wrong. When till Death Do Us
Part was invented, death was pretty imminent, and because of
(07:27):
our continuing expansion of our life expectancies, even the most
monogamous of humans can expect two or even three long
stints of monogamy on their lifespan. Divorce does not mean
a failed marriage. It's only a A relationship is only
a failure if you haven'tlearned anything and aren't a different
person into your next one. But if you do have children,
(07:49):
I'm a big proponent that you should at least try
to make that commitment for eighteen years, just saying that's
what you need to do, all right. When we come back,
there's this new trend. I was actually approached by Bride's
magazine to comment on it. A new trend where some
brides are going on bachelorette trips solo alone. Let's talk
about this trend when we come back. You were listening
(08:11):
to The Doctor, Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM six
forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
App you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from
KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and k
I AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
If you're new to me, I have a PhD in
clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, but personally I'm obsessed
with the science of love and I've written three books
on relationships. And I got married in August on August ninth.
You were there, Producer, Kayla. I still have fond memories.
(08:47):
Such a beautiful adding. I still have fond memory. It
was so much fun. Now at I'm a woman of
a certain age. I did not have a bachelorette party.
He did not have a bachelor party. It's silly, seemingly,
what is that supposed to be a last hurrah that
you go out and pretend you're single on one night?
What have you? However, a week before the wedding, a
(09:10):
number of girlfriends of mine up in Oregon where we
got married, actually held a little of very elegant, five
course tasting menu dinner at one of the vineyards for me.
So that's how we do it. A little classy thing
sip a bunch of wine, eat some delicious food, and
we're all good and we're out of there. I also
own airbnbs where I have been the host of numerous
(09:32):
bachelorette parties. Some of them have been cut short. I
actually had a group ask for a partial refrun because
my fingers are making quotation marks now. The bride got
sick after eating something at a vineyard. She drank too much.
She barfed in my airbnb, and they wanted their money back.
I'm sorry, take her home all right, learned how to
(09:54):
handle her thing. Now, What is the right thing to
do for a bachelor or bachelorette party? Talk about the ladies,
because that's all I'm caring about these days. Dudes, go out,
go to your strip clubs with your guys. I don't know, enjoy,
I don't know. I'm not going to be there. I
don't want to hear about it. When I was young,
I used to hear you there'd always be one dude
who actually had emotional intimacy with his girlfriend, and he
(10:14):
would come home from the party and tell about the debauchery,
and then the girls club would call each other and
hear about it, and it was just drama that happened,
So guys, just keep it to yourself out there, enjoy,
all right. I did go to one bachelorette party of
a woman who got married in her fifties, and she
did the whole Vegas show strip clubs, like literally a
crown of plastic penises. It was so gross. It was
(10:38):
so not like when you're just don't don't even try
to do the young girl thing. Even if you're a
young girl, don't wear a crown of penises. This is
something weird about that, all right, But there's a new trend.
I was approached by Bride's magazine. They asked me would
a solo trip be beneficial for a bride, And it
made me think, because you know, my knee jerk reaction
(11:00):
is going to be hell no, like get with your friends,
that's the whole thing. But then I spent some time
thinking about it and I realized that, you know, not
everyone is wired the same way. So I'm an extrovert. Extroverts.
It's not about the fact that we talk a lot,
although some of us do. It's just that extroverts get
their energy by being around other people. So after we
(11:24):
go out to some kind of party, we come home,
make a cup of coffee and talk all night about
everything that happen, and text everybody because we are just
jazzed up. If an introvert goes to that party, they
come home and get under the covers and they don't
want to go out for a week. They're exhausted from it, right,
So introverts refuel through solitude. So let's say a bride
is an introvert, and let's say she's planning the biggest
(11:46):
day of her life that she knows is going to
be absolutely exhausting for her. A wild bachelorette party might
not be the thing for her. She might actually feel
depleted and exhausted and worried about the wedding. Or so
I thought about it. I thought, you know what, there
are some lovely introvert brides out there who might benefit
(12:08):
from just taking a bachelor a trip all by themselves. However,
there are a number of things that she's got to
consider before she books that solo trip. First, she does
have to think about the feelings of other people. Remember
her tribe, her sisters, her mom, her friends. They want
to celebrate her, and she has to think about their
(12:30):
emotional needs. So maybe if this introverted bride understands that
these people around her do need to do something. She
could suggest let's do a quiet luncheon or let's just
do a spa You ever do a SPA day with
a bunch of girls. You never see them except in
the tea room in between the services, maybe in the
hot time for a minute, so you can say, hey,
(12:51):
we could just do a SPA day together. Right, So,
if you really are truly somebody who needs a dose
of alone time that will help you feel like mentally fortified,
just explain it to the people who matter and then
suggest something quieter, and then also explain to them that
(13:11):
your solo trip is designed to help you weather the
madness of your wedding weekend. It's not designed to exclude them.
There's no harm intended here, and if they truly love you,
they will understand. Now here's the next thing. A solo
bride needs to consider how she should best honor herself.
(13:31):
So if that trip is like super adventuroists or physically taxing,
I'm going to go climb a mountain, I'm gonna you know,
that might best be saved for a couple's trip. Have
your dude with you or something. You don't want to
come back from your solo bachelorette trip absolutely exhausted. And
(13:51):
another thing, you don't want to expose a bride to
parties and nightclubs because you know what, they're filled with
potential mate poachers. That's where you get cold. You have
second thoughts. Right, so I would say Abiza probably off
the list, right, Vegas off the list. Don't go to nightclubs,
don't go to parties. And another thing you got to
think about is safety. Women traveling alone, sadly, are often
(14:15):
targets for crime. So even if you're in a safe place,
sometimes being alone in an unfamiliar place can make you
have feelings of anxiety about personal safety. Right, So here's
some ideas I have for a great women's solo trip,
a women's only retreat. If you literally go and google
the words like women's retreats near me, there are thousands
(14:36):
of them. So you might be alone and there might
be stranger women around. You might go to yoga with
them or talks with them, but you still have your
own room and your own time, and you feel that
you can find solitude. The other thing you can do
is just rent your own luxury Airbnb where your super
hosts live there too, so you got somebody there if
(14:57):
you need to be, but you'll be maybe immersed in nature.
You can also do your own spa weekend alone, you know,
or you can take an educational trip, like go to
an international cooking school. That could be fun. I'm not
saying because you're going to be a bride you need
to learn how to cook. I'm sorry, I don't mean
to throw that in there. I happen to enjoy cooking,
it's my hobby. My Julio is not a great cook,
(15:19):
so he likes a judicious so we're all good with
the division of labor in the house. So obviously, bachelorette
parties have big benefits, right Going out with a group
of friends who love you is this wonderful feeling of community.
It's an opportunity for you to feel honored and spoiled.
And if you are an extrovert, you will have a
(15:39):
flip and ball. But if you're an introvert, this party
can feel exhausting, and that's not a feeling a bride
needs to have right before her big day. You have
to worry now about planning the bachelorette trip, and you
get stress about making sure everybody has a good time.
Oh oh oh, and there's the social stress of managing
those what I call interpersonal conflict between the girlfriends. If
(16:02):
you don't know what I'm talking about, it's time to
go rewatch the film Bridesmaids. If this movie scares you,
you need to take a solo trip. That's all I'm saying.
Take a solo trip. Okay, let's move from weddings and
proposals and bachelorette trips and talk about how to have
a healthy relationship when we come back. Two things that
(16:23):
healthy couples never ever, ever do. I hope you don't
do these things. You're listening to the Dr Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I'm
going to share something with you. I was a really
lousy partner for decades. I'm a big believer that relationships
are far more about skill then luck and Where did
(17:03):
I learn these relationship skills. I'll be honest, mostly through therapy,
you know, because you learn how to communicate your deepest feelings,
et cetera. But also practice in relationships, right, stuff that
didn't work, Like, there are things that I did that
I cringe at now and I worry. But now I'm
(17:23):
happy to tell you I have, what I think is,
I'm knocking on wood, a pretty healthy relationship. So I
was reading through some of the recent literature on how
to have a good, healthy relationship, because that's the other thing.
You got to keep doing the work, keep reading the stuff.
And I noticed that research has shown that there are
two things and if they are done in a relationship,
(17:46):
they can seriously damage the relationship. And the first is
using sarcasm. Do you know what sarcasm is, producer Kayla, Yeah,
I know how to use it, of course you do.
It's saying one thing. You know. When I was raising
my kids, we call it the opposite game, Right, You're
teaching sarcasm by saying you say one thing, but you
(18:09):
mean the opposite. And that's what sarcasm is. Some people
would call it the lowest form of wit. The famous
Gotmans John and Julie Gotman up at the University of
Washington in the Marriage Lamb lab say that sarcasm is
can be one of the most dangerous things to use
in a relationship. Why because it's actually a negative dig
(18:32):
at your partner and you're trying to make a joke. Now,
I'm just gonna say this, there is a little bit
of truth behind every joke. And when we talk about
black humor or dark humor, it is humor. Like all
humor is tragedy viewed from across the street, and dark
humor is humor where that's not even a wide street,
(18:52):
it's a little path. Right, You're like, oh, that's not
even funny. People that look at stand up comedians and
get hurt by what they say are hurt because because
they don't have enough distance from the material, Right, whatever's happened.
So you're trying to be funny, You're trying to veil
your criticism in a little bit of humor, So you
(19:12):
use sarcasm, and it never works. The person I either
feel confused like what do they mean? Or the like.
For instance, let's say your mate comes out looking fabulous
to go out for the night, and you go, well,
are you going to shower before we leave, or you
look a hot mess, and they feel like, are they
(19:33):
giving me a compliment? Am I the butt of a joke?
Why don't you just say, hey, you look great? Right
by the way, I used to get insulted when guys
would say, oh, you got all dulled up. I was like, no,
just say I look good. Don't say I like tried
to put some artificial things on me to look like
a doll. He thought he was giving me a compliment.
I'm like, no, just tell me I look pretty, not
like hmm. I used to here's a bad one. A
(19:57):
bad one. So back in the day before we had text,
before we had iPhones and everything else, you would be
waiting and waiting for a guide call. And then if
he was taking too long, and my anxious attachment and
feelings of abandonment who blew into anger. I would see
the phone number light up on the collar idea and
I would pick up and go, oh, I see you
learned how to dial a phone. Sounds like a compliment, right,
(20:19):
they learned something new. But what was I really saying?
You haven't called? Where are you? It might be something
light like honey. Every day when I see the socks
on the floor. I just am remind it's my favorite
form of home decoration. Oh come on, or how about
oh sports on TV again? What a surprise? You guys
(20:41):
need to stop that. You can just simply say, oh,
are we in the World Series now? Are you going
to need a lot of time to watch the Dodgers
and the Yankees in the next few weeks? Is that
what's happening? Just ask, but don't or just say hey,
I'm wondering if we can have some alone time before
or after the game. Say what your needs are. Don't
be afraid. Okay. The second thing that should never happen
(21:04):
in a relationship, and I used to do when I
was young all the time, is trying to make your
partner feel jealous. I think women are particularly good at this, right.
You know what I used to do, caitleb. I used
to leave other guy's phone numbers on pieces of paper
in my car if I knew my guy was gonna
borrow my car or something. I love that I love it,
(21:25):
so you just see the number down there.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, And one time a guy confronted me. He was
really angry, and he was a restaurant owner. So I'm
sure people girls handed them their phone number all day long.
He reached in his pocket and pulled out like four
papers with numbers, and he goes, don't think you're the
only one.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Oh check mewha, whoa so actually, some researchers decided to
do a study to find out if trying to make
your partner jealous.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Actually fans the flames of desire or makes them insecure
or angry. So guess what all the results should and
they used a virtual reality, they used imagination, They did
three different ways. I won't get into how they did
the study. The results are more interesting. Across all the experiments,
one recurring theme emerged when participants observed others showing interest
(22:15):
in their partner, their desire for their partner drum roll declined, declined,
It doesn't work, it backfires. So they interviewed various participants
trying to figure out like why is it working backwards?
And one guy told a story that he saw a
guy approach his girlfriend in an airport and he got annoyed,
(22:38):
like who does he think he is? And even though
the girlfriend brushed off the guy, his mind started racing
with questions like what if she does find him attractive?
Might I actually lose her, maybe she would be happier
with him. You see, it doesn't provoke jealousy and more desire,
It provokes questions about relationships to ability. This study, by
(23:01):
the way, was done at Reichman University in Israel. And
so I think we need to stop doing all kinds
of manipulative When I see people write in their profiles,
I don't want to play games and I don't like
game players, it's usually because people have used manipulative tactics
to try to bring someone closer instead of just plainal honesty,
(23:25):
instead of just saying your feelings. Why is it so scary,
I'll tell you why. Because people are afraid if they
say their truth that they will be abandoned, that their
person will leave them. Right, That is the underlying fear
of us just being honest. But wouldn't you rather the
relationship ends because somebody can't tolerate the real you, Then
(23:46):
you having to live artificially and pretend to be somebody
or not your whole life. I don't know, maybe it's me,
but I am just open honest. From the beginning. Everybody
said you wear your colors on your sleeve. You just
say it I just say it. It's given me a
job in radio. I just say it right and eventually, Okay,
(24:07):
it took me a few decades. I found a man
who told me from the beginning, I love big mouth
women more than anything. I mean, you're gonna find your person.
Don't be afraid to be real, be who you are. Okay,
continuing on what helps make our relationship successful, get your
notepad out. I've got a few ideas. There are actually
(24:30):
a number of things that healthy couples say to each
other on the regular, and let's talk about those things
when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendywall
Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (24:42):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM
six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I say
that all the time for good reason. Did you know
they make some cars now they don't even have AM radio,
but they have bluech right, So you just download that
app and you can listen live at any time. The
other thing is a lot of listeners will write to
me and say, hey, I missed that episode or I
(25:09):
came in late whatever. All the Doctor Wendy Wall shows
are on the iHeartRadio app. You can go listen to
previous ones. They get put up like a podcast, so
you can just find them Doctor Wendy on demand. I
think they're called right, oh right. I've been doing a
lot of don't do this, don't do that, don't do this,
don't do that damaging. How about what you should do?
Things you should do in relationships? These are phrases that
(25:32):
healthy couples say to each other all the time. And
you know, one of the things I want to say
about communication is that I think the best way to
communicate something uncomfortable is to start by making a communication sandwich.
It starts out with a compliment followed by a layer
(25:53):
of something that's hard to chew on, and it's backed
up with some other loving words. So they don't even
realize that their defenses aren't up. They're not going to
get some quick reactive rebuttal you're going to actually be heard.
Their ears will stay open because they're hearing the compliments too, right,
So there's another way to do it too, Instead of
talking with just a pure, lucy, puffy, light little compliment.
(26:17):
You can start out by just setting them up for
that something difficult is going to come up now. Plenty
of couples start out by saying things like we need
to talk, or what time are you going to be home?
There's something we need to talk about that strikes tearor
in the heart of somebody who's in a partnership, they're like,
oh no, what bad things come in now? But healthy
(26:39):
couples say something like I want to share something with
you that might be a little hard to hear. Hear
my tone, It wasn't we need to talk, It's I
want to share something with you that might be hard
to hear. So that's where you have that empathetic, sweet voice.
What you're basically saying is I hear you that this
(27:02):
is going to be hard, but I really need to
express this right now. All right, here's another one. I
really need your support right now. Besides that, you might
say I really need your help with this, or I
really need you to just listen right now, or I
really need your take on this. You know what people
need instructions. Nobody goes into a relationship having a full
(27:26):
operating manual of how to deal with another person. So
before you share something, healthy couples more likely will give
the listener an instruction about what they're supposed to do
with the information that's about to come. Right, So I
might say to Julio all the time, honey, I know
you're going to jump in and tell me how to
solve this problem, but first, can I just have you
(27:49):
listen to me all the way out while I'm trying
to figure it out. I'll say that I just need
your or I'll just say, honey, I really need your support.
I need your help right now, right, don't be afraid.
You know, in our culture, we like to think that
needy is a bad thing, and you know who invented that?
Avoidant people emotionally avoidant people who are independent to a fault,
(28:13):
so they feel like absolutely pressured and ameshed by people
who are emotionally vulnerable, so they call them needy. But actually,
in a healthy relationship, you should be able to express
your needs. Okay, here's another thing that healthy couples might
say to each other regularly. I can see how you
feel that way, or I can really understand how that
(28:36):
came across to you. You want the person to be hurt,
so you want to. When they come back with yeah,
but but but you did this and you did that,
say oh, I can understand how that must have felt.
And then the person feels hurt instead of defensive. You
have no right to feel that way because in a
bib babah, just say hey, I get it, I know
(28:57):
what that must feel like. I give them a little
bit of empathy. They also don't be afraid to say
things like and I do say this a lot because
Julio's super smart and I'm always learning new things from him.
I will say, huh, I never thought of it that way. Right,
they're heard you're learning something. Huh, I never thought of
(29:17):
it that way. Just say that, right? Are you writing
these down? You should be writing these down. You're gonna
to say them to your spouse tonight. You know it's funny,
is it? A few days ago, I was in a
studio and I shoot these videos for Local Now. If
you don't have the Local Now app, you can I do.
These relationship videos are three or four minutes long, and
the entire crew are all male, many of them married
(29:39):
or living with their girlfriends, are in relationships. Many of
them in the hard part of marriage when they're small
kids at home. And at the end this week, one
of the guys said, we love having your doctor, Wendy
because we always get a pep talk on what we're
supposed to do in our relationships. Right, because, guys, you see,
women are out there reading self help books. We are.
Every women's magazine out there, from Cosmo to Glamour, de
(30:01):
Vogue always has psychological information or relationship columns. Right, We've
been reading this stuff our whole lives. They don't put
that in the car magazines or the sports magazines, do they, Kayla, No,
they don't put relationship advice. So Men's Journal has a
little something something every now and again. Yeah, and who
is that gay man? I'm joking straight men read that too, okay,
(30:24):
And AskMen dot Com that's where they should be. It's
kind of funny, but ask men dot Com a lot
of the articles are written by women, but it's called
askman dot Com. I think there's a lot of men
giving advice to you there. All Right, here's the big thing.
It's a big one. Guys. You need to say in
your relationship A lot guys and gals. I'm sorry not
I'm sorry you feel that way, or I'm sorry whatever,
(30:47):
I'm sorry for the part I played in this. I'm
sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry my intention was not
to hurt you. I feel so bad. Learn how to
say these words. Literally, relationship will be so much happier.
And the best one is the sentence that begins with
how how can we fix this? How can we find
(31:08):
a solution to this? How can we do? You notice
what happened there? You just put yourself on the same
team as somebody else. Your partner comes and complains about
blah blah blah blah. You never do this, You never
do that, and you get to say, how can we
fix this? Right? How can we? We're now on a
team together. It's now a problem to be solved. It's
not just you complaining and whatever. First you're going to say,
(31:30):
I can understand how you feel that way, and then
how can we fix this? Honestly, you want to have
a healthy, happy relationship, that is the way to do it. Hey,
when we come back, I'm going to my social media.
If you want to send me a question in a
DM go to Instagram at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor
Wendy Walsh and I'll keep your identity anonymous, but I'm
going to weigh in on your relationship life when we
(31:54):
come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalh Show
on kf I AM six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You
can always hear us live on k f I A
M six forty from seven to nine p m on
Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. I feel like the weather's going to get
chilly soon. I feel like we are headed into fall.
(00:22):
The days are getting shorter. You know what that means,
Hi producer Kayla, how are you doing today, wonderful, Doctor
Wendy carry are you feeling fall like I am family
fall like I wore like fall colors today, sort of
rust and green. Yes, ready for it? So you know
what that means. In the world of relationships, the holidays
are coming up and that is often the big pressure
(00:45):
to propose right now. I should say that we know
that first time age. Let me get this straight. The
age of first time marriage has continued to go up.
Human beings are taking longer and longer too. I don't
like the term failing to launch. I like the term
(01:05):
giving the time necessary for the prefrontal cortex to fully developed.
Then you can make better decisions for yourself. Right. Look,
compare this in nineteen fifty, the average twenty seven year
old dude was married, had a mortgage, had two kids,
and that meant his wife was twenty five ish and
(01:28):
same thing by that age, right, people were getting married
at eighteen nineteen twenty. You know, I've read this interesting
statistic about education. Did you know in nineteen seventy only
four percent of Americans attended college. So it's not like
you had that four or six years of education to
eat up from age eighteen to twenty four, right. It
(01:50):
was like an evolutionary psychologist would say that reproduction is
far more urgent than education. Education is about eventually making money,
securing resources from the environment to pay for kids. Right.
So anyway, what does this mean for marriage? And now
an age of marriage and holidays coming up and proposals.
(02:10):
So let me talk about if I think your relationship
is ready for a proposal. Now you might be somebody
who's and I'm going to put gender on it just
for a second, because you know, I proposed to my husband,
you know that, right. We did it live on KFI,
so you can take out the gender piece. But there
were a few things we had before I popped the question,
(02:35):
and it was I knew what the answer was going
to be, right, So never ask a question. It's like
in a courtroom. Don't ask a question like that unless
you know what the answer is going to be. No surprises.
I was actually cruising online the other day and they
had a video of a proposal that went wrong. I
think it was staged because it was like some one
(02:55):
of those click trap videos whatever they're called clickbait things.
Was it?
Speaker 2 (02:59):
The girlf holds into the guy and she was like
counting down, like four hours until I proposed three hours
intel proposal.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
So what happened there? He said no.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
They were together for nine years and he told her
that he didn't want to get married.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Never ask a question you don't know the answer to.
I know this was a couple making out or walking
into a bedroom to make out and says, you know,
the most awkward wedding proposal, And then she happens, says
he's taking off his shoes and pulling down his pants.
She looks down and she sees a trail of rose
petals that go out the bedroom door, and she's like,
(03:32):
oh my god, I thought he was away on a
business trip. And she hides the boyfriend. She follows the
trail of rose petals into the bathroom where there's a
bubble bath and candles and everything, and he's humming along
laying out rose petals with his earbuds in so he
can't hear her come in. And he looks up and
(03:53):
he's like, oh, hi, honey, you're home early. I didn't
get fully set up. Yeah, I think it was a
fake video. But anyway, don't be proposing if you're having affairs,
either of you. Just want to say that, all right,
let's look at the science and the data and the
statistics on whether your relationship is ready for a marriage
proposal this holiday season. One. How old are you? Okay,
(04:15):
I'm just just statistical probability. The highest divorce rate are
with marriages that start before the age of twenty four. Now,
the prefrontal cortex, that's the part of your brain that
is very important for planning, organization, thinking about consequences, that's
(04:36):
not fully developed until at least twenty five or twenty six.
So if you're making a major life decision prior to that,
you have a good chance that you're making a wrong decision.
Like I often say, you shouldn't be allowed to do
make any decision except like ordering from a menu until
you're twenty five, all right, so your age please be
at least over the age of twenty four, please please please. Also,
(04:57):
let's talk about the length of your relationationships. So far,
I don't think any two people should even consider spending
the rest of their lives together. Put a pin in that.
I'll explain that that's not going to happen either in
a minute, but spending a very long time, potentially decades together,
maybe raising children together. You should not consider that unless
(05:19):
you've gone through at least four seasons with this person,
at least one calendar year. Please. When I hear about
people rushing to the altar after they've only met three
months ago, all I can think is, you are getting
married in the flush of high from all those neuro hormones.
It's lust phase, baby, It's not love yet. You haven't
even developed into love, so you need to go through
(05:41):
all the birthdays, all the holidays, all the seasons. I mean,
by the time I proposed to my Julio, we had
been together four years, right, so we're pretty sure. And
we also had a deal. We wanted to launch our
youngest kid, so we were waiting for his kid to
graduate high school. My kid graduated him from s to
Titian school, got a job or own place. You know,
(06:02):
we needed our youngest to be a little bit on
their feet, all right, So be together at least a year.
So you're over twenty five, you've been together at least
a year. Here's a crucial one. Your tribe approves, both
your tribes approve. I used to host a show for
Investigation Discovery called Happily Never After about brides and grooms
that killed each other. Spoiler alert is mostly the grooms
(06:24):
that did the killing, but almost one hundred percent of
the time they eloped because somebody's family didn't approve. So
please pay attention to the other people in your life
before you propose. And finally, do you have emotional intimacy?
I know that people go through the motions of a
(06:45):
love relationship. They think they're communicating, they have great sex,
they look great together, they have the same likes and interests,
But are they really vulnerable? Do they talk about their feelings?
Can they be authentic? Because at the end of the day,
what keeps relationships together is intimacy. And if you don't
(07:07):
have emotional intimacy, you have no business getting married now.
I mentioned if this decision and you think this decision
is about getting married and doing something for the rest
of your life, you're wrong. When till Death Do Us
Part was invented, death was pretty imminent, and because of
(07:27):
our continuing expansion of our life expectancies, even the most
monogamous of humans can expect two or even three long
stints of monogamy on their lifespan. Divorce does not mean
a failed marriage. It's only a A relationship is only
a failure if you haven'tlearned anything and aren't a different
person into your next one. But if you do have children,
(07:49):
I'm a big proponent that you should at least try
to make that commitment for eighteen years, just saying that's
what you need to do, all right. When we come back,
there's this new trend. I was actually approached by Bride's
magazine to comment on it. A new trend where some
brides are going on bachelorette trips solo alone. Let's talk
about this trend when we come back. You were listening
(08:11):
to The Doctor, Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM six
forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
App you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from
KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and k
I AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
If you're new to me, I have a PhD in
clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, but personally I'm obsessed
with the science of love and I've written three books
on relationships. And I got married in August on August ninth.
You were there, Producer, Kayla. I still have fond memories.
(08:47):
Such a beautiful adding. I still have fond memory. It
was so much fun. Now at I'm a woman of
a certain age. I did not have a bachelorette party.
He did not have a bachelor party. It's silly, seemingly,
what is that supposed to be a last hurrah that
you go out and pretend you're single on one night?
What have you? However, a week before the wedding, a
(09:10):
number of girlfriends of mine up in Oregon where we
got married, actually held a little of very elegant, five
course tasting menu dinner at one of the vineyards for me.
So that's how we do it. A little classy thing
sip a bunch of wine, eat some delicious food, and
we're all good and we're out of there. I also
own airbnbs where I have been the host of numerous
(09:32):
bachelorette parties. Some of them have been cut short. I
actually had a group ask for a partial refrun because
my fingers are making quotation marks now. The bride got
sick after eating something at a vineyard. She drank too much.
She barfed in my airbnb, and they wanted their money back.
I'm sorry, take her home all right, learned how to
(09:54):
handle her thing. Now, What is the right thing to
do for a bachelor or bachelorette party? Talk about the ladies,
because that's all I'm caring about these days. Dudes, go out,
go to your strip clubs with your guys. I don't know, enjoy,
I don't know. I'm not going to be there. I
don't want to hear about it. When I was young,
I used to hear you there'd always be one dude
who actually had emotional intimacy with his girlfriend, and he
(10:14):
would come home from the party and tell about the debauchery,
and then the girls club would call each other and
hear about it, and it was just drama that happened,
So guys, just keep it to yourself out there, enjoy,
all right. I did go to one bachelorette party of
a woman who got married in her fifties, and she
did the whole Vegas show strip clubs, like literally a
crown of plastic penises. It was so gross. It was
(10:38):
so not like when you're just don't don't even try
to do the young girl thing. Even if you're a
young girl, don't wear a crown of penises. This is
something weird about that, all right, But there's a new trend.
I was approached by Bride's magazine. They asked me would
a solo trip be beneficial for a bride, And it
made me think, because you know, my knee jerk reaction
(11:00):
is going to be hell no, like get with your friends,
that's the whole thing. But then I spent some time
thinking about it and I realized that, you know, not
everyone is wired the same way. So I'm an extrovert. Extroverts.
It's not about the fact that we talk a lot,
although some of us do. It's just that extroverts get
their energy by being around other people. So after we
(11:24):
go out to some kind of party, we come home,
make a cup of coffee and talk all night about
everything that happen, and text everybody because we are just
jazzed up. If an introvert goes to that party, they
come home and get under the covers and they don't
want to go out for a week. They're exhausted from it, right,
So introverts refuel through solitude. So let's say a bride
is an introvert, and let's say she's planning the biggest
(11:46):
day of her life that she knows is going to
be absolutely exhausting for her. A wild bachelorette party might
not be the thing for her. She might actually feel
depleted and exhausted and worried about the wedding. Or so
I thought about it. I thought, you know what, there
are some lovely introvert brides out there who might benefit
(12:08):
from just taking a bachelor a trip all by themselves. However,
there are a number of things that she's got to
consider before she books that solo trip. First, she does
have to think about the feelings of other people. Remember
her tribe, her sisters, her mom, her friends. They want
to celebrate her, and she has to think about their
(12:30):
emotional needs. So maybe if this introverted bride understands that
these people around her do need to do something. She
could suggest let's do a quiet luncheon or let's just
do a spa You ever do a SPA day with
a bunch of girls. You never see them except in
the tea room in between the services, maybe in the
hot time for a minute, so you can say, hey,
(12:51):
we could just do a SPA day together. Right, So,
if you really are truly somebody who needs a dose
of alone time that will help you feel like mentally fortified,
just explain it to the people who matter and then
suggest something quieter, and then also explain to them that
(13:11):
your solo trip is designed to help you weather the
madness of your wedding weekend. It's not designed to exclude them.
There's no harm intended here, and if they truly love you,
they will understand. Now here's the next thing. A solo
bride needs to consider how she should best honor herself.
(13:31):
So if that trip is like super adventuroists or physically taxing,
I'm going to go climb a mountain, I'm gonna you know,
that might best be saved for a couple's trip. Have
your dude with you or something. You don't want to
come back from your solo bachelorette trip absolutely exhausted. And
(13:51):
another thing, you don't want to expose a bride to
parties and nightclubs because you know what, they're filled with
potential mate poachers. That's where you get cold. You have
second thoughts. Right, so I would say Abiza probably off
the list, right, Vegas off the list. Don't go to nightclubs,
don't go to parties. And another thing you got to
think about is safety. Women traveling alone, sadly, are often
(14:15):
targets for crime. So even if you're in a safe place,
sometimes being alone in an unfamiliar place can make you
have feelings of anxiety about personal safety. Right, So here's
some ideas I have for a great women's solo trip,
a women's only retreat. If you literally go and google
the words like women's retreats near me, there are thousands
(14:36):
of them. So you might be alone and there might
be stranger women around. You might go to yoga with
them or talks with them, but you still have your
own room and your own time, and you feel that
you can find solitude. The other thing you can do
is just rent your own luxury Airbnb where your super
hosts live there too, so you got somebody there if
(14:57):
you need to be, but you'll be maybe immersed in nature.
You can also do your own spa weekend alone, you know,
or you can take an educational trip, like go to
an international cooking school. That could be fun. I'm not
saying because you're going to be a bride you need
to learn how to cook. I'm sorry, I don't mean
to throw that in there. I happen to enjoy cooking,
it's my hobby. My Julio is not a great cook,
(15:19):
so he likes a judicious so we're all good with
the division of labor in the house. So obviously, bachelorette
parties have big benefits, right Going out with a group
of friends who love you is this wonderful feeling of community.
It's an opportunity for you to feel honored and spoiled.
And if you are an extrovert, you will have a
(15:39):
flip and ball. But if you're an introvert, this party
can feel exhausting, and that's not a feeling a bride
needs to have right before her big day. You have
to worry now about planning the bachelorette trip, and you
get stress about making sure everybody has a good time.
Oh oh oh, and there's the social stress of managing
those what I call interpersonal conflict between the girlfriends. If
(16:02):
you don't know what I'm talking about, it's time to
go rewatch the film Bridesmaids. If this movie scares you,
you need to take a solo trip. That's all I'm saying.
Take a solo trip. Okay, let's move from weddings and
proposals and bachelorette trips and talk about how to have
a healthy relationship when we come back. Two things that
(16:23):
healthy couples never ever, ever do. I hope you don't
do these things. You're listening to the Dr Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I'm
going to share something with you. I was a really
lousy partner for decades. I'm a big believer that relationships
are far more about skill then luck and Where did
(17:03):
I learn these relationship skills. I'll be honest, mostly through therapy,
you know, because you learn how to communicate your deepest feelings,
et cetera. But also practice in relationships, right, stuff that
didn't work, Like, there are things that I did that
I cringe at now and I worry. But now I'm
(17:23):
happy to tell you I have, what I think is,
I'm knocking on wood, a pretty healthy relationship. So I
was reading through some of the recent literature on how
to have a good, healthy relationship, because that's the other thing.
You got to keep doing the work, keep reading the stuff.
And I noticed that research has shown that there are
two things and if they are done in a relationship,
(17:46):
they can seriously damage the relationship. And the first is
using sarcasm. Do you know what sarcasm is, producer Kayla, Yeah,
I know how to use it, of course you do.
It's saying one thing. You know. When I was raising
my kids, we call it the opposite game, Right, You're
teaching sarcasm by saying you say one thing, but you
(18:09):
mean the opposite. And that's what sarcasm is. Some people
would call it the lowest form of wit. The famous
Gotmans John and Julie Gotman up at the University of
Washington in the Marriage Lamb lab say that sarcasm is
can be one of the most dangerous things to use
in a relationship. Why because it's actually a negative dig
(18:32):
at your partner and you're trying to make a joke. Now,
I'm just gonna say this, there is a little bit
of truth behind every joke. And when we talk about
black humor or dark humor, it is humor. Like all
humor is tragedy viewed from across the street, and dark
humor is humor where that's not even a wide street,
(18:52):
it's a little path. Right, You're like, oh, that's not
even funny. People that look at stand up comedians and
get hurt by what they say are hurt because because
they don't have enough distance from the material, Right, whatever's happened.
So you're trying to be funny, You're trying to veil
your criticism in a little bit of humor, So you
(19:12):
use sarcasm, and it never works. The person I either
feel confused like what do they mean? Or the like.
For instance, let's say your mate comes out looking fabulous
to go out for the night, and you go, well,
are you going to shower before we leave, or you
look a hot mess, and they feel like, are they
(19:33):
giving me a compliment? Am I the butt of a joke?
Why don't you just say, hey, you look great? Right
by the way, I used to get insulted when guys
would say, oh, you got all dulled up. I was like, no,
just say I look good. Don't say I like tried
to put some artificial things on me to look like
a doll. He thought he was giving me a compliment.
I'm like, no, just tell me I look pretty, not
like hmm. I used to here's a bad one. A
(19:57):
bad one. So back in the day before we had text,
before we had iPhones and everything else, you would be
waiting and waiting for a guide call. And then if
he was taking too long, and my anxious attachment and
feelings of abandonment who blew into anger. I would see
the phone number light up on the collar idea and
I would pick up and go, oh, I see you
learned how to dial a phone. Sounds like a compliment, right,
(20:19):
they learned something new. But what was I really saying?
You haven't called? Where are you? It might be something
light like honey. Every day when I see the socks
on the floor. I just am remind it's my favorite
form of home decoration. Oh come on, or how about
oh sports on TV again? What a surprise? You guys
(20:41):
need to stop that. You can just simply say, oh,
are we in the World Series now? Are you going
to need a lot of time to watch the Dodgers
and the Yankees in the next few weeks? Is that
what's happening? Just ask, but don't or just say hey,
I'm wondering if we can have some alone time before
or after the game. Say what your needs are. Don't
be afraid. Okay. The second thing that should never happen
(21:04):
in a relationship, and I used to do when I
was young all the time, is trying to make your
partner feel jealous. I think women are particularly good at this, right.
You know what I used to do, caitleb. I used
to leave other guy's phone numbers on pieces of paper
in my car if I knew my guy was gonna
borrow my car or something. I love that I love it,
(21:25):
so you just see the number down there.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, And one time a guy confronted me. He was
really angry, and he was a restaurant owner. So I'm
sure people girls handed them their phone number all day long.
He reached in his pocket and pulled out like four
papers with numbers, and he goes, don't think you're the
only one.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Oh check mewha, whoa so actually, some researchers decided to
do a study to find out if trying to make
your partner jealous.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Actually fans the flames of desire or makes them insecure
or angry. So guess what all the results should and
they used a virtual reality, they used imagination, They did
three different ways. I won't get into how they did
the study. The results are more interesting. Across all the experiments,
one recurring theme emerged when participants observed others showing interest
(22:15):
in their partner, their desire for their partner drum roll declined, declined,
It doesn't work, it backfires. So they interviewed various participants
trying to figure out like why is it working backwards?
And one guy told a story that he saw a
guy approach his girlfriend in an airport and he got annoyed,
(22:38):
like who does he think he is? And even though
the girlfriend brushed off the guy, his mind started racing
with questions like what if she does find him attractive?
Might I actually lose her, maybe she would be happier
with him. You see, it doesn't provoke jealousy and more desire,
It provokes questions about relationships to ability. This study, by
(23:01):
the way, was done at Reichman University in Israel. And
so I think we need to stop doing all kinds
of manipulative When I see people write in their profiles,
I don't want to play games and I don't like
game players, it's usually because people have used manipulative tactics
to try to bring someone closer instead of just plainal honesty,
(23:25):
instead of just saying your feelings. Why is it so scary,
I'll tell you why. Because people are afraid if they
say their truth that they will be abandoned, that their
person will leave them. Right, That is the underlying fear
of us just being honest. But wouldn't you rather the
relationship ends because somebody can't tolerate the real you, Then
(23:46):
you having to live artificially and pretend to be somebody
or not your whole life. I don't know, maybe it's me,
but I am just open honest. From the beginning. Everybody
said you wear your colors on your sleeve. You just
say it I just say it. It's given me a
job in radio. I just say it right and eventually, Okay,
(24:07):
it took me a few decades. I found a man
who told me from the beginning, I love big mouth
women more than anything. I mean, you're gonna find your person.
Don't be afraid to be real, be who you are. Okay,
continuing on what helps make our relationship successful, get your
notepad out. I've got a few ideas. There are actually
(24:30):
a number of things that healthy couples say to each
other on the regular, and let's talk about those things
when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendywall
Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (24:42):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM
six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I say
that all the time for good reason. Did you know
they make some cars now they don't even have AM radio,
but they have bluech right, So you just download that
app and you can listen live at any time. The
other thing is a lot of listeners will write to
me and say, hey, I missed that episode or I
(25:09):
came in late whatever. All the Doctor Wendy Wall shows
are on the iHeartRadio app. You can go listen to
previous ones. They get put up like a podcast, so
you can just find them Doctor Wendy on demand. I
think they're called right, oh right. I've been doing a
lot of don't do this, don't do that, don't do this,
don't do that damaging. How about what you should do?
Things you should do in relationships? These are phrases that
(25:32):
healthy couples say to each other all the time. And
you know, one of the things I want to say
about communication is that I think the best way to
communicate something uncomfortable is to start by making a communication sandwich.
It starts out with a compliment followed by a layer
(25:53):
of something that's hard to chew on, and it's backed
up with some other loving words. So they don't even
realize that their defenses aren't up. They're not going to
get some quick reactive rebuttal you're going to actually be heard.
Their ears will stay open because they're hearing the compliments too, right,
So there's another way to do it too, Instead of
talking with just a pure, lucy, puffy, light little compliment.
(26:17):
You can start out by just setting them up for
that something difficult is going to come up now. Plenty
of couples start out by saying things like we need
to talk, or what time are you going to be home?
There's something we need to talk about that strikes tearor
in the heart of somebody who's in a partnership, they're like,
oh no, what bad things come in now? But healthy
(26:39):
couples say something like I want to share something with
you that might be a little hard to hear. Hear
my tone, It wasn't we need to talk, It's I
want to share something with you that might be hard
to hear. So that's where you have that empathetic, sweet voice.
What you're basically saying is I hear you that this
(27:02):
is going to be hard, but I really need to
express this right now. All right, here's another one. I
really need your support right now. Besides that, you might
say I really need your help with this, or I
really need you to just listen right now, or I
really need your take on this. You know what people
need instructions. Nobody goes into a relationship having a full
(27:26):
operating manual of how to deal with another person. So
before you share something, healthy couples more likely will give
the listener an instruction about what they're supposed to do
with the information that's about to come. Right, So I
might say to Julio all the time, honey, I know
you're going to jump in and tell me how to
solve this problem, but first, can I just have you
(27:49):
listen to me all the way out while I'm trying
to figure it out. I'll say that I just need
your or I'll just say, honey, I really need your support.
I need your help right now, right, don't be afraid.
You know, in our culture, we like to think that
needy is a bad thing, and you know who invented that?
Avoidant people emotionally avoidant people who are independent to a fault,
(28:13):
so they feel like absolutely pressured and ameshed by people
who are emotionally vulnerable, so they call them needy. But actually,
in a healthy relationship, you should be able to express
your needs. Okay, here's another thing that healthy couples might
say to each other regularly. I can see how you
feel that way, or I can really understand how that
(28:36):
came across to you. You want the person to be hurt,
so you want to. When they come back with yeah,
but but but you did this and you did that,
say oh, I can understand how that must have felt.
And then the person feels hurt instead of defensive. You
have no right to feel that way because in a
bib babah, just say hey, I get it, I know
(28:57):
what that must feel like. I give them a little
bit of empathy. They also don't be afraid to say
things like and I do say this a lot because
Julio's super smart and I'm always learning new things from him.
I will say, huh, I never thought of it that way. Right,
they're heard you're learning something. Huh, I never thought of
(29:17):
it that way. Just say that, right? Are you writing
these down? You should be writing these down. You're gonna
to say them to your spouse tonight. You know it's funny,
is it? A few days ago, I was in a
studio and I shoot these videos for Local Now. If
you don't have the Local Now app, you can I do.
These relationship videos are three or four minutes long, and
the entire crew are all male, many of them married
(29:39):
or living with their girlfriends, are in relationships. Many of
them in the hard part of marriage when they're small
kids at home. And at the end this week, one
of the guys said, we love having your doctor, Wendy
because we always get a pep talk on what we're
supposed to do in our relationships. Right, because, guys, you see,
women are out there reading self help books. We are.
Every women's magazine out there, from Cosmo to Glamour, de
(30:01):
Vogue always has psychological information or relationship columns. Right, We've
been reading this stuff our whole lives. They don't put
that in the car magazines or the sports magazines, do they, Kayla, No,
they don't put relationship advice. So Men's Journal has a
little something something every now and again. Yeah, and who
is that gay man? I'm joking straight men read that too, okay,
(30:24):
And AskMen dot Com that's where they should be. It's
kind of funny, but ask men dot Com a lot
of the articles are written by women, but it's called
askman dot Com. I think there's a lot of men
giving advice to you there. All Right, here's the big thing.
It's a big one. Guys. You need to say in
your relationship A lot guys and gals. I'm sorry not
I'm sorry you feel that way, or I'm sorry whatever,
(30:47):
I'm sorry for the part I played in this. I'm
sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry my intention was not
to hurt you. I feel so bad. Learn how to
say these words. Literally, relationship will be so much happier.
And the best one is the sentence that begins with
how how can we fix this? How can we find
(31:08):
a solution to this? How can we do? You notice
what happened there? You just put yourself on the same
team as somebody else. Your partner comes and complains about
blah blah blah blah. You never do this, You never
do that, and you get to say, how can we
fix this? Right? How can we? We're now on a
team together. It's now a problem to be solved. It's
not just you complaining and whatever. First you're going to say,
(31:30):
I can understand how you feel that way, and then
how can we fix this? Honestly, you want to have
a healthy, happy relationship, that is the way to do it. Hey,
when we come back, I'm going to my social media.
If you want to send me a question in a
DM go to Instagram at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor
Wendy Walsh and I'll keep your identity anonymous, but I'm
going to weigh in on your relationship life when we
(31:54):
come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalh Show
on kf I AM six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You
can always hear us live on k f I A
M six forty from seven to nine p m on
Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app
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