November 11, 2024 • 32 mins
Dr. Wendy is talking dealing with election grief if it's something you are dealing with and how to deal with it and how to communicate with others. The new dating trend for Gen Z. NO MORE DATING APPS! PLUS Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. It's all on KFIAM640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app AFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Dr
Wendy Walsh Show. Oh, the election, it happened. It's over.
I'm so relieved. Producer, Kayla, are you completely relieved?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
No?
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Oh, okay, okay, we need to talk okay about your feelings.
We're going to get into that. Roouel. How you doing.
Are you relieved as behind us? Oh? Yeah, I was
so ready. Yeah, yeah, Heather, are we all done with
election nonsense? I think there's still going to be a
lot more nonsense even though the election is over. Spoken
(00:45):
like three good Californians. You know. Everyone keeps saying to
me to console, to console me and my friends and
family is like, don't worry. You're in California. You're safe.
And you know, I am both America and Canadian, and
I'm always trying to compare the two systems, and I'm
always trying to figure out certain systems. By the way,
(01:06):
I didn't know, Okay, I've lived here for a few decades.
I did not know that January twentieth was not President's Day.
I kept calling it President's Day because I got a
weekend plan with a bunch of girlfriends. I said, well,
see you on President's Day and they said, isn't that
MLK Day? And I'm like, oh, but it's the inauguration day.
(01:28):
Isn't that President's Day. Apparently that's where the Canadian and
me comes through. But one of the things I seem
to be learning and what people keep telling me, is
that the states have far more impact on our actual lives,
day to day lives than the federal government, just saying.
And in California, we tend to, you know, have policies
(01:50):
that I think we're all going to be Okay, Okay,
I just want to say that. So let me tell
you what what's coming up in the show. As you know,
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor,
not a therapist. But I love to educate people about
everything that I've learned in my life and in psychology school.
Let's talk about on tonight's show, how to communicate your
(02:13):
feelings post election, maybe to the other side, how to
deal with your grief, if you're feeling some grief, how
to not gloat if you're gloating. And then let's get
into the relationship stuff. Some new dating trends for gen
Z as well as why women some women are swearing
off sex and some men are supporting rape culture in response.
(02:39):
Plus I'll be answering your social media questions. All right,
let's get to the election thing. So there is a
term called ambiguous loss. It was coined by doctor Pauline Boss.
She's professor now emeritus Emeritus Emeritus Professor at the University of Minnesota,
(03:00):
spent forty five years as a psychotherapist, and back in
the nineteen seventies she coined the term ambigulous ambiguous loss
when she was working with wives of soldiers who are
missing in action because there's no body, there's no real loss.
Are they alive or dead? Are they coming back? Are
they not? You're ambiguous about this grief, right do Are
(03:22):
you a widow? Are you not? Right? So we know
that grief is the feeling we have after loss, but
you have to be attached to something that you lose,
and grief is so much easier if it's clear. Sorry
to say death, you know, well, bankruptcy, loss of all
(03:44):
your money, things that are quantified, things that are proven. Right,
then we understand it. But according to doctor Pauline Boss,
there are kinds of losses that are ambiguous, an abstract loss.
Maybe maybe you're feeling that you've lost hopes and dreams.
(04:05):
Maybe you've lost a sense of certainty about the future.
Maybe you have a sense of loss about trust in
the world as a safe place, maybe the loss of
feelings of freedom over your own body, or maybe the
loss of support for people have lesser means than the
(04:27):
rest of us do. I'm going to say this again.
You have the loss of support for people who have
lesser means. And the reason why I wanted to say
that again is because there is a belief system among
many people, especially in California, who believe that, as one
economist in the New York Times said, American voters shot
(04:49):
themselves in the head to try to get rid of
a headache. We worry for the working class. I worry
for union workers who may have that support taken away
all of a sudden. Mister you're fired, might actually do
that and tell every all all your employers to do that.
(05:09):
All right, So we have this ambiguous feeling of loss.
We can't put our fingers on it, but we know.
I mean, I don't like how politics has become identity politics,
like you're supposed to wear the shirt, you're supposed to
wear the hat. You know. It used to be that
politics was something and voting was something that you did
in private, quietly, and it was a behavior. It was
(05:32):
something you did. It wasn't I am a Finish that sentence,
however you want. I am a conservative, I am a liberal,
I am a Republican. I am a Democrat. Now that's
how we talk instead of I vote that way. And
(05:53):
this is the biggest problem in America as far as
I'm concerned. You should know, I actually have luxury of
living in two different places. And one place is very
very very liberal, and the other place is a rural
area that is very very very red. And there's no
difference between my neighbors, no difference between my friends and
(06:16):
neighbors at all. They're just humans. They're raising kids. They
want to eat healthy food, they'd like clean air, they'd
like clean water, they'd like their streets to feel safe,
and they want to feel protected. What we share together
is so much more important, so if you are feeling
(06:36):
this ambiguous loss, what do you do about it? Well,
first of all, don't run away from uncomfortable feelings. My
motto in life has always been all feelings are welcome.
Normalize your anger and your sadness. It's not a pathology.
(06:57):
If emotions are scary, just wait, just let them be.
It'll change right. And also, don't rush things. Take time,
be patient with yourself. If you're feeling angry and sad,
you are grieving right now. The biggest thing you can
(07:17):
do is take control of something you know. In the
very short term, what do you have control of? In
the last week, I spent a lot of time doing
yard work. I am really good with a weed whacker,
just to let you know, and alonmore and pruning everything
you can possibly prune. And so I just focused on
(07:37):
what I could control, my house, my home, my family.
I also exercised a lot, go running, listen to music,
go to a movie, connect with people, call a friend.
And finally, I just want to say, don't get over it.
Remember when we have a loss, when we have grief,
(08:00):
it'll turn into sadness and it will never actually go away.
It will be there and you'll learn to live with
it as your friend. For those of you who may
have lost a spouse, you know you never really get
over it. It's just there, right, I just learned to
tolerate it, produce a Kayla. There's a wonderful scale we
(08:22):
should put it actually on the Doctor Wendy website, called
the Tolerance for Ambiguity Scale. When we come back, I'll
explain what that is. And it's an interesting test you
can take as well how we can communicate better together,
especially if your team lost. You're listening to the Doctor
(08:43):
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Forty AFI Am sixtor Wendy Waalsh with you. This is
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. All right, whether you won
or lost, we know that the country has become polarized.
It has become an extreme of right or left. I
(09:16):
like to say that it's less about liberal and conservative,
less about Republican and Democrat, and far more about rural
versus urban. The needs of rural people are very different
than the needs of urban people. Interesting enough, if you
(09:38):
are more likely to be hardcore, like I believe the
far left and the far right are the same person
by the way, which is, they tend to be rigid, stringent,
and think in a very black or white way. You know.
Soon after World War Two, a famous philosopher named Theodore Adorno,
(09:58):
in response to not sism, created a scale called the
Tolerance for Ambiguity Scale. And this is a sixteen question test.
Producer Kayla, did you put it up on the KFI
website for us? She stepped away? I say she's walking, okay,
(10:19):
So it's up there. You just go to kfiam six
forty dot com doctor Wendy Walsh and you can take
it yourself. Some of the questions are things like an
expert who doesn't come up with a definitive answer probably
doesn't know too much. Well, if you strongly agree with that,
then maybe you're slightly a black or white thinker. What
(10:43):
they discovered about the black white right or wrong this
way or that way thinker is actually they're far more
susceptible to fascism than somebody who can tolerate ambiguity. And
I think we all need to tolerate ambiguity. A gray
area of life. Right now, what I'm about to tell you,
(11:06):
I will tell you that I didn't read in any
psychology textbooks. This is just my personal opinion. I come from.
My developmental years were spent in a culture. Canada or
people are known for their kindness, They're known for being nice.
You know, I've actually had people say to me before,
you know, Canadians are too nice. Really, that's assuming we
(11:29):
have absolutely new boundaries. Actually, we are nice and kind
because we know the boundaries are there and we can
execute them at any time. But having said that, I
have come up with five things that I think we
all can do if our team lost. I hate to
call them teams. If you are somebody in California, which
(11:53):
is most people in California who voted Democratic, and you're
feeling sad and you're grieving, how to communicate because now
those friends and family, those Trumpsters you used to have
trouble with at the Thanksgiving dinner table, you can't gloat
over them anymore. They won fair and square. So how
do you communicate with them? First and foremost, congratulate them.
(12:20):
I know it sounds counterintuitive. If you're feeling sad that
the Dems lost the election, I want you to take
a que from billionaire Mark Cuban and huge Democratic donor.
Soon after the election results came in, he tweeted do
we say tweeted anymore? He exed the words you won
(12:43):
fair and square. So, rather than argue about the results,
bond with friends and family by simply acknowledging their win. Secondly,
stress commonality. It is very true that most Americans have
far more in common than not, and some of those
(13:06):
social issues that the various candidates campaigned on are so
minor compared to the things that we have in common. Now.
I'm not going to dismiss that some of the people
listening right now are part of a minority who's terrified
because of some of the language that was used. But
(13:26):
I'm talking about friends and family who might be a
little right, a little left. Bond over the common enemy,
and the common enemy is identity politics. The media has
created our team allegiances. It's not about wearing the shirt
(13:47):
or the hat. It's about looking for what we share together,
the things we care about. Clean water, clean air, healthy food,
safe streets, a place to raise our kids that feel safe.
Number Three, just bond over the fact that you can
(14:07):
all share relief that it's over. Do you notice at
the beginning of the show, did around Robin? Are you relieved?
Are you relieved? Are you relieved? No matter if your
side one or lost, there's probably a great relief that
that political season, which is too long, too long of advertisements, texts,
social media pos is finally behind us. We can all
(14:28):
focus on the holidays now. Okay, let's just focus on
Thanksgiving and Christmas. Let's not think about this. I don't
ever want to see another political ad. I don't want
to get twenty texts from candidates begging me to send
them money right away. We can all share relief that
it's over. Now. You should also agree to just stop
(14:50):
talking about it. If political conversations still linger, simply say
I respect you, but let's talk about anything politics, right,
Just turn the subject away to something that's the here
and now in your life. And above all, if you're
(15:11):
on the side where your team won, please don't brag.
Especially don't brag about the increase in your stock portfolio
the next day that rally was expected. Okay, it happened
to me too. Just keep it to yourself that you're
a little richer right now, Okay, don't gloat, don't brag.
No I told you so. Don't go back to UC
(15:33):
twenty twenty. It was stolen. Let us stop it. Just
take a deep breath and look at your friends and
family and remember love and remember connection. We are all Americans. Now,
that doesn't mean that I'm asking you to be completely
complacent and let a potential authoritarian regime roll over you.
(15:57):
There will be time for you to become activated again.
But right now, take a deep breath. Find commonality between
your neighbors, your friends, and your family. They won fair
and square. Give them that, all right. Let us turn
favorite subject, dating and relationships. There's a new dating trend,
(16:22):
a couple new dating trends for gen Z. If you're
the parent of a gen Z person, if you're a
gen Z person that's eighteen to twenty seven year olds,
you're going to want to listen up. You're listening to
the Dr Wendy wall Show on KFI AM six forty
We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty May.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
KFI Am six forty you are Doctor Wendy Walsh with
you Okay, let's turn to love. This is the dr
Wendy Walls show a new dating trend. Can you believe this?
No more dating apps for gen Z. A recent Forbes
Health survey that seventy nine percent of gen Z that's
eighteen to twenty seven year olds, reported experiencing dating app burnout. Duh, okay.
(17:11):
I know you would assume that these young people would
be prime candidates for swiping and matching and swiping and swiping,
but turns out it is not the case. Despite the
growing trend overall in the last decade or so of
dating apps being where most people go to find partners,
gen Z, the young ones eighteen to twenty seven year
(17:34):
olds are opting out. I know. I have a twenty
one year old and I have a twenty six year
old and they do not use dating apps. I'll tell
you what they use in a minute. There was a
study done last year by Statista found that daters in
the US between the ages of thirty and forty nine,
(17:55):
who are mostly millennial, they make up sixty one percent
of dating app use gen Z only twenty six percent.
So let's talk about why why young people are saying
I'm not going there I'm done. First of all, they're
still almost just past teenage life where they imagine there's
an audience looking at them and they feel embarrassed very easily.
(18:19):
And so many gen z users are reporting that they
are very concerned about rejection and this has actually kept
them from pursuing relationships. Can you imagine when you think
bonding with somebody is the most important thing? No, no, no, no,
it actually keeps them from pursuing relationships. All right. They
(18:41):
also tend to prefer in person connections. Isn't that nice?
I love to hear that college students getting off those
apps wanting to meet in person. Now, they're also tired
of becoming victims of a psychological phenomenon called paradox of choice.
Here's what the paradox of choice says. The more choice
(19:03):
that a human brain is given, the less likely it
is to make a choice. And when we do make
a choice, when there's lots of selection out there, we
are less likely to value our choice. So what ends
up happening with those dating apps is they end up
just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and messaging instead of dating.
(19:24):
An interesting thing is that one of the reasons why
dating apps have failed to meet the expectations of gen
z is because few of them actually left their phones
to go on a date. You see, besides paradox of choice,
there's another thing that happens with dating apps. People message
(19:46):
a number of potential mates and literally become satisfied by
the text themselves, right, So they message a whole bunch
of people at the same time, and they create I
like to call it a combined emotional satiation a little
bit from a lot of people, and for many of them,
that's enough, and they lose the desire to actually go
out on the house, out of the house on a date.
(20:07):
I like to call it dating apathy. Right now, I
do want to remind you, and no matter the age,
men and women use dating apps very differently. Men are
smart enough to know I'm just gonna swipe on everything
and see which woman likes me. So women get really
excited because when they first get on a dating app
(20:28):
and they think I'm killing it, I'm matching with everybody,
everybody click on, I'm matching with It's because guys match
on every woman they're given. Women take time. We read
every detail in the profile, We look closely and scrutinize
the photograph, trying to figure out how much money they make,
how do they live, what their taste is like. Right,
(20:49):
But I think gen Z is getting turned off because
they don't want technology for this one thing. There's also
the issue of fake profiles. These guys are digital natives
gen Z, and they know they know what fake or not,
and they're sick of seeing married people pretending to be
(21:10):
single romance scammers out for money. They're pretty sophisticated, these
young people, and they're like, this is real, This is
not real. Why are people even into this? Right? Although
I should say the romance scammers out there that are
out for money are more likely to target older divorcees, widows, widowers, right,
(21:31):
because they're less tech savvy and they're easy to trick. Sorry.
The other thing is they're using other apps that aren't
intended for dating. For instance, LinkedIn. Can you believe it?
LinkedIn is the new dating app? Now, it's not that
they run a dating app. It's that if you have
something in common, right, That's why people get attracted. Something
(21:53):
in common, like business, So they might message each other
about business things and then sort of, you know, kind
of find out there's no hall monitor. On LinkedIn, you
don't have a human resources department. You're okay. You can
flirt all you want on LinkedIn. And the biggest one
is Instagram. Instagram. Instagram, Instagram. That's where gen z is.
(22:16):
They're looking at each other's profiles. They're seeing what friends
they have in common. They are sending dms. Right, it's
all about Instagram for them. And finally, wait for it,
the newest trend of all. They're actually flirting in public.
They're learning how to do it. Okay, they don't know
how to do it. They're missing a lot of social skills,
but they're learning. Okay. So I think in the future,
(22:41):
dating apps need to somehow facilitate people to get in
the real world quickly. Maybe they provide fewer matches so
that they can prevent that paradox of choice. Maybe they
might include video conferencing or group dating in the real
world that feels safer. They're all are going to have
to eventually all those dating apps provide identity verification, because
(23:04):
forget all these fake profiles and background checks. You know,
in the past, the reason why the dating apps didn't
want to do any background criminal background checks is because
they felt it made them more liable, right, But I'm
sorry they're just going to have to protect users more.
One other way that gen Z is finally finding love.
(23:25):
They're actually asking friends to introduce them. Oh my god,
it's so old fashioned. I love it. Hey, when we
come back, I am going to be answering your social
media questions. Send your relationship questions in a DM to
me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R
Wendy Walsh. Producer Klab will go through and find them
for us. So if you've got a relationship question, I'm
(23:45):
not going to say your name, I'm not going to
out you, I'm not going to embarrass you. Please feel
free to send it in a DM. Now you are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Walsh Show if I
Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This
is the time of the show I go to my
social media producer Kayla has been rifling through all week
finding some of your relationship questions a reminder. I'm not
a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but i have a
lifetime of wisdom and I'm happy to weigh in. So
(24:27):
here we go. Let me go to my DMS. If
you'd like to send me a question, just go to
at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram.
Here we go. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm dating someone who
when I met him, his divorce was two weeks away
from being finalized. Oh, I think I know what's coming.
(24:47):
It's now finalized, but his ex wife still lives in
his house. They have separate bedrooms, and he paid for
the house. He says he doesn't want to rock the
boat by giving her sixty days notice to move out.
I am extremely uncomfortable with this. Should I pressure him
(25:08):
to move her out or just wait patiently? You should
do neither. You should get the heck out of there
as fast as you can. I'm telling you I have
waited for them to leave their wives my whole life. No,
there's a reason why he's at least emotionally attached to
her or financially attached to her, and you are going
(25:30):
to be in a three way emotional tangle for your
entire relationship with him. I promise you. If he says
he doesn't want to give her notice, he's not going to.
It is not your job to change him. But if
waiting patiently is something you think is going to work
out for you, then go ahead and try it. But
(25:50):
you got your old Auntie here, doctor Wendy saying I
would run so fast from this situation. Really get out
of there. This is too messy. Don't even There's so
many great guys out there. She's not gonna listen, is she.
She's not gonna listen. I just know it all right.
Next up, dear doctor Wendy. If a man just wants sex,
(26:13):
but I want more, what's the best way to get
him on the same page to see me as more
than just sex. Ps. We didn't have sex. He just
always tries on our dates. Oh what kind of like this? Okay,
So first I was gonna go, well, if you're having
sex with him, then sorry, can't change that. So I
(26:34):
think this is a great moment to have a doorway
into emotional intimacy. So when he tries to have sex,
you're gonna say things like, I am not ready. I
am actually looking for a committed, long term relationship and
I want to see where this leads before I do that.
And if you're looking for a short term relationship with
(26:55):
just sex, then maybe we're not a good match. Literally
say that, have a backbone, say the truth, because you're
You've got all the power right now to be completely honest.
And he said, well, how are you going to know?
Just say it takes some time to see if you're
if you're going to be like a good relationship material
person for the long term. That's what I say. Uh,
(27:20):
here we go again, Dear doctor Wendy. Whenever I have
a feeling and confront my boyfriend about it, confronts a
strong word. How about just discuss it, bring it up whatever, Okay.
Whenever I have a feeling and confront my boyfriend about it,
he tells me that I'm telling myself stories and running
with it as fact. He also tells me that it's
(27:41):
not his job to calm my crazy I do have
trust issues, but I wish he would provide comfort as
my partner. Isn't it his responsibility? So I don't like
the way he's responding to you, telling you you're crazy,
and he's got to calm you're crazy, and maybe even
(28:01):
gaslighting you saying, eh, you know, you're just making this
stuff up and believing it. Whatever. I do, think it
is your responsibility if you have heightened issues around jealousy
and trust issues, to see a licensed therapist and work
on that. But the other thing I have learned to
do with men is give them script literally, say you know,
(28:26):
when you say it's not your job to calm my crazy,
I don't feel safer or more comforted. It would really
help me if you would say, ah, babe, it's okay,
I'm still here with you, and reassure me a little bit.
It costs nothing to do that, Give me a hug, whatever,
give him a script, tell him exactly what you want
him to say and do, and you don't have to
(28:48):
say it in an angry way. Just be nice. Why
not we don't come with instruction manuals. We have to
give people instructions, and we teach people how to treat us.
Usually that saying comes with when we put up with
bad behavior and say nothing we have they've tested us,
and then we've given permission for them to use that
(29:10):
bad behavior. Right, We teach people how to treat us,
but sometimes it's more literal teaching. It is literally saying,
here's what I need you to say right now. It
would really help me. I've literally said that sentence to Julio.
I'll say, you know, what you said seems to be
feel It makes my feelings feel dismissive, just dismissed. So
(29:30):
could you say blah blah blah instead? And he usually
laughs because he thinks it's funny that I'm giving him
a little schooling.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
But he does.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
That's the thing. People like to know where they stand
and how to treat you. Okay, moving on, I think
we have time for one moment before the break. Dear
doctor Wendy, I've been dating a man for three weeks.
Is it too soon to start cooking for him? Is
that girlfriend or wife behavior? Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.
(29:58):
This I won't give to you until I see you
give to me, and time has to pass or you
have to spend a certain amount of money before right now. Okay,
stop all this nonsense. If you're a good cook and
you would like to have this man over for dinner,
then cook for him. The thing is It's not about
(30:21):
when it's okay to cook for somebody. The question is
are they reciprocating in their own way. Now that may
be financially taking you out to dinners, it may be
fixing stuff in your house for you or doing something instrumental, right,
but you're looking for reciprocation at the beginning. But I
(30:42):
mean obviously cooking for him every night and taking over
that role, that's a different thing. I mean, like as
a special thing. So Julio and I met during COVID, right,
and I just packed so many picnics. We were just outside.
We couldn't go to restaurants and you know, only going
to eat so much takeout. So I cooked a lot
at the beginning and packed picnics and that was a
(31:04):
wonderful way for us to bond. So no, it's not
too soon, and don't look at a clock. Just ask yourself,
is this person? What is a relationship? First of all,
a relationship is an exchange of care. The care can
take so many different forms financial, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and yes,
domestic responsibility care. So it's not like, oh he needs
(31:27):
to do this before I will ever cook for him.
Just pay attention. Is there some reciprocity happening in the
early stages of dating. Okay, when we come back, I
got a question from a guy who's having some problems
on dating apps. We'll talk about it when we come back.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
(31:47):
KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and any time on demand
on the iHeartRadio app.
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app AFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Dr
Wendy Walsh Show. Oh, the election, it happened. It's over.
I'm so relieved. Producer, Kayla, are you completely relieved?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
No?
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Oh, okay, okay, we need to talk okay about your feelings.
We're going to get into that. Roouel. How you doing.
Are you relieved as behind us? Oh? Yeah, I was
so ready. Yeah, yeah, Heather, are we all done with
election nonsense? I think there's still going to be a
lot more nonsense even though the election is over. Spoken
(00:45):
like three good Californians. You know. Everyone keeps saying to
me to console, to console me and my friends and
family is like, don't worry. You're in California. You're safe.
And you know, I am both America and Canadian, and
I'm always trying to compare the two systems, and I'm
always trying to figure out certain systems. By the way,
(01:06):
I didn't know, Okay, I've lived here for a few decades.
I did not know that January twentieth was not President's Day.
I kept calling it President's Day because I got a
weekend plan with a bunch of girlfriends. I said, well,
see you on President's Day and they said, isn't that
MLK Day? And I'm like, oh, but it's the inauguration day.
(01:28):
Isn't that President's Day. Apparently that's where the Canadian and
me comes through. But one of the things I seem
to be learning and what people keep telling me, is
that the states have far more impact on our actual lives,
day to day lives than the federal government, just saying.
And in California, we tend to, you know, have policies
(01:50):
that I think we're all going to be Okay, Okay,
I just want to say that. So let me tell
you what what's coming up in the show. As you know,
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor,
not a therapist. But I love to educate people about
everything that I've learned in my life and in psychology school.
Let's talk about on tonight's show, how to communicate your
(02:13):
feelings post election, maybe to the other side, how to
deal with your grief, if you're feeling some grief, how
to not gloat if you're gloating. And then let's get
into the relationship stuff. Some new dating trends for gen
Z as well as why women some women are swearing
off sex and some men are supporting rape culture in response.
(02:39):
Plus I'll be answering your social media questions. All right,
let's get to the election thing. So there is a
term called ambiguous loss. It was coined by doctor Pauline Boss.
She's professor now emeritus Emeritus Emeritus Professor at the University of Minnesota,
(03:00):
spent forty five years as a psychotherapist, and back in
the nineteen seventies she coined the term ambigulous ambiguous loss
when she was working with wives of soldiers who are
missing in action because there's no body, there's no real loss.
Are they alive or dead? Are they coming back? Are
they not? You're ambiguous about this grief, right do Are
(03:22):
you a widow? Are you not? Right? So we know
that grief is the feeling we have after loss, but
you have to be attached to something that you lose,
and grief is so much easier if it's clear. Sorry
to say death, you know, well, bankruptcy, loss of all
(03:44):
your money, things that are quantified, things that are proven. Right,
then we understand it. But according to doctor Pauline Boss,
there are kinds of losses that are ambiguous, an abstract loss.
Maybe maybe you're feeling that you've lost hopes and dreams.
(04:05):
Maybe you've lost a sense of certainty about the future.
Maybe you have a sense of loss about trust in
the world as a safe place, maybe the loss of
feelings of freedom over your own body, or maybe the
loss of support for people have lesser means than the
(04:27):
rest of us do. I'm going to say this again.
You have the loss of support for people who have
lesser means. And the reason why I wanted to say
that again is because there is a belief system among
many people, especially in California, who believe that, as one
economist in the New York Times said, American voters shot
(04:49):
themselves in the head to try to get rid of
a headache. We worry for the working class. I worry
for union workers who may have that support taken away
all of a sudden. Mister you're fired, might actually do
that and tell every all all your employers to do that.
(05:09):
All right, So we have this ambiguous feeling of loss.
We can't put our fingers on it, but we know.
I mean, I don't like how politics has become identity politics,
like you're supposed to wear the shirt, you're supposed to
wear the hat. You know. It used to be that
politics was something and voting was something that you did
in private, quietly, and it was a behavior. It was
(05:32):
something you did. It wasn't I am a Finish that sentence,
however you want. I am a conservative, I am a liberal,
I am a Republican. I am a Democrat. Now that's
how we talk instead of I vote that way. And
(05:53):
this is the biggest problem in America as far as
I'm concerned. You should know, I actually have luxury of
living in two different places. And one place is very
very very liberal, and the other place is a rural
area that is very very very red. And there's no
difference between my neighbors, no difference between my friends and
(06:16):
neighbors at all. They're just humans. They're raising kids. They
want to eat healthy food, they'd like clean air, they'd
like clean water, they'd like their streets to feel safe,
and they want to feel protected. What we share together
is so much more important, so if you are feeling
(06:36):
this ambiguous loss, what do you do about it? Well,
first of all, don't run away from uncomfortable feelings. My
motto in life has always been all feelings are welcome.
Normalize your anger and your sadness. It's not a pathology.
(06:57):
If emotions are scary, just wait, just let them be.
It'll change right. And also, don't rush things. Take time,
be patient with yourself. If you're feeling angry and sad,
you are grieving right now. The biggest thing you can
(07:17):
do is take control of something you know. In the
very short term, what do you have control of? In
the last week, I spent a lot of time doing
yard work. I am really good with a weed whacker,
just to let you know, and alonmore and pruning everything
you can possibly prune. And so I just focused on
(07:37):
what I could control, my house, my home, my family.
I also exercised a lot, go running, listen to music,
go to a movie, connect with people, call a friend.
And finally, I just want to say, don't get over it.
Remember when we have a loss, when we have grief,
(08:00):
it'll turn into sadness and it will never actually go away.
It will be there and you'll learn to live with
it as your friend. For those of you who may
have lost a spouse, you know you never really get
over it. It's just there, right, I just learned to
tolerate it, produce a Kayla. There's a wonderful scale we
(08:22):
should put it actually on the Doctor Wendy website, called
the Tolerance for Ambiguity Scale. When we come back, I'll
explain what that is. And it's an interesting test you
can take as well how we can communicate better together,
especially if your team lost. You're listening to the Doctor
(08:43):
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Forty AFI Am sixtor Wendy Waalsh with you. This is
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. All right, whether you won
or lost, we know that the country has become polarized.
It has become an extreme of right or left. I
(09:16):
like to say that it's less about liberal and conservative,
less about Republican and Democrat, and far more about rural
versus urban. The needs of rural people are very different
than the needs of urban people. Interesting enough, if you
(09:38):
are more likely to be hardcore, like I believe the
far left and the far right are the same person
by the way, which is, they tend to be rigid, stringent,
and think in a very black or white way. You know.
Soon after World War Two, a famous philosopher named Theodore Adorno,
(09:58):
in response to not sism, created a scale called the
Tolerance for Ambiguity Scale. And this is a sixteen question test.
Producer Kayla, did you put it up on the KFI
website for us? She stepped away? I say she's walking, okay,
(10:19):
So it's up there. You just go to kfiam six
forty dot com doctor Wendy Walsh and you can take
it yourself. Some of the questions are things like an
expert who doesn't come up with a definitive answer probably
doesn't know too much. Well, if you strongly agree with that,
then maybe you're slightly a black or white thinker. What
(10:43):
they discovered about the black white right or wrong this
way or that way thinker is actually they're far more
susceptible to fascism than somebody who can tolerate ambiguity. And
I think we all need to tolerate ambiguity. A gray
area of life. Right now, what I'm about to tell you,
(11:06):
I will tell you that I didn't read in any
psychology textbooks. This is just my personal opinion. I come from.
My developmental years were spent in a culture. Canada or
people are known for their kindness, They're known for being nice.
You know, I've actually had people say to me before,
you know, Canadians are too nice. Really, that's assuming we
(11:29):
have absolutely new boundaries. Actually, we are nice and kind
because we know the boundaries are there and we can
execute them at any time. But having said that, I
have come up with five things that I think we
all can do if our team lost. I hate to
call them teams. If you are somebody in California, which
(11:53):
is most people in California who voted Democratic, and you're
feeling sad and you're grieving, how to communicate because now
those friends and family, those Trumpsters you used to have
trouble with at the Thanksgiving dinner table, you can't gloat
over them anymore. They won fair and square. So how
do you communicate with them? First and foremost, congratulate them.
(12:20):
I know it sounds counterintuitive. If you're feeling sad that
the Dems lost the election, I want you to take
a que from billionaire Mark Cuban and huge Democratic donor.
Soon after the election results came in, he tweeted do
we say tweeted anymore? He exed the words you won
(12:43):
fair and square. So, rather than argue about the results,
bond with friends and family by simply acknowledging their win. Secondly,
stress commonality. It is very true that most Americans have
far more in common than not, and some of those
(13:06):
social issues that the various candidates campaigned on are so
minor compared to the things that we have in common. Now.
I'm not going to dismiss that some of the people
listening right now are part of a minority who's terrified
because of some of the language that was used. But
(13:26):
I'm talking about friends and family who might be a
little right, a little left. Bond over the common enemy,
and the common enemy is identity politics. The media has
created our team allegiances. It's not about wearing the shirt
(13:47):
or the hat. It's about looking for what we share together,
the things we care about. Clean water, clean air, healthy food,
safe streets, a place to raise our kids that feel safe.
Number Three, just bond over the fact that you can
(14:07):
all share relief that it's over. Do you notice at
the beginning of the show, did around Robin? Are you relieved?
Are you relieved? Are you relieved? No matter if your
side one or lost, there's probably a great relief that
that political season, which is too long, too long of advertisements, texts,
social media pos is finally behind us. We can all
(14:28):
focus on the holidays now. Okay, let's just focus on
Thanksgiving and Christmas. Let's not think about this. I don't
ever want to see another political ad. I don't want
to get twenty texts from candidates begging me to send
them money right away. We can all share relief that
it's over. Now. You should also agree to just stop
(14:50):
talking about it. If political conversations still linger, simply say
I respect you, but let's talk about anything politics, right,
Just turn the subject away to something that's the here
and now in your life. And above all, if you're
(15:11):
on the side where your team won, please don't brag.
Especially don't brag about the increase in your stock portfolio
the next day that rally was expected. Okay, it happened
to me too. Just keep it to yourself that you're
a little richer right now, Okay, don't gloat, don't brag.
No I told you so. Don't go back to UC
(15:33):
twenty twenty. It was stolen. Let us stop it. Just
take a deep breath and look at your friends and
family and remember love and remember connection. We are all Americans. Now,
that doesn't mean that I'm asking you to be completely
complacent and let a potential authoritarian regime roll over you.
(15:57):
There will be time for you to become activated again.
But right now, take a deep breath. Find commonality between
your neighbors, your friends, and your family. They won fair
and square. Give them that, all right. Let us turn
favorite subject, dating and relationships. There's a new dating trend,
(16:22):
a couple new dating trends for gen Z. If you're
the parent of a gen Z person, if you're a
gen Z person that's eighteen to twenty seven year olds,
you're going to want to listen up. You're listening to
the Dr Wendy wall Show on KFI AM six forty
We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty May.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
KFI Am six forty you are Doctor Wendy Walsh with
you Okay, let's turn to love. This is the dr
Wendy Walls show a new dating trend. Can you believe this?
No more dating apps for gen Z. A recent Forbes
Health survey that seventy nine percent of gen Z that's
eighteen to twenty seven year olds, reported experiencing dating app burnout. Duh, okay.
(17:11):
I know you would assume that these young people would
be prime candidates for swiping and matching and swiping and swiping,
but turns out it is not the case. Despite the
growing trend overall in the last decade or so of
dating apps being where most people go to find partners,
gen Z, the young ones eighteen to twenty seven year
(17:34):
olds are opting out. I know. I have a twenty
one year old and I have a twenty six year
old and they do not use dating apps. I'll tell
you what they use in a minute. There was a
study done last year by Statista found that daters in
the US between the ages of thirty and forty nine,
(17:55):
who are mostly millennial, they make up sixty one percent
of dating app use gen Z only twenty six percent.
So let's talk about why why young people are saying
I'm not going there I'm done. First of all, they're
still almost just past teenage life where they imagine there's
an audience looking at them and they feel embarrassed very easily.
(18:19):
And so many gen z users are reporting that they
are very concerned about rejection and this has actually kept
them from pursuing relationships. Can you imagine when you think
bonding with somebody is the most important thing? No, no, no, no,
it actually keeps them from pursuing relationships. All right. They
(18:41):
also tend to prefer in person connections. Isn't that nice?
I love to hear that college students getting off those
apps wanting to meet in person. Now, they're also tired
of becoming victims of a psychological phenomenon called paradox of choice.
Here's what the paradox of choice says. The more choice
(19:03):
that a human brain is given, the less likely it
is to make a choice. And when we do make
a choice, when there's lots of selection out there, we
are less likely to value our choice. So what ends
up happening with those dating apps is they end up
just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and messaging instead of dating.
(19:24):
An interesting thing is that one of the reasons why
dating apps have failed to meet the expectations of gen
z is because few of them actually left their phones
to go on a date. You see, besides paradox of choice,
there's another thing that happens with dating apps. People message
(19:46):
a number of potential mates and literally become satisfied by
the text themselves, right, So they message a whole bunch
of people at the same time, and they create I
like to call it a combined emotional satiation a little
bit from a lot of people, and for many of them,
that's enough, and they lose the desire to actually go
out on the house, out of the house on a date.
(20:07):
I like to call it dating apathy. Right now, I
do want to remind you, and no matter the age,
men and women use dating apps very differently. Men are
smart enough to know I'm just gonna swipe on everything
and see which woman likes me. So women get really
excited because when they first get on a dating app
(20:28):
and they think I'm killing it, I'm matching with everybody,
everybody click on, I'm matching with It's because guys match
on every woman they're given. Women take time. We read
every detail in the profile, We look closely and scrutinize
the photograph, trying to figure out how much money they make,
how do they live, what their taste is like. Right,
(20:49):
But I think gen Z is getting turned off because
they don't want technology for this one thing. There's also
the issue of fake profiles. These guys are digital natives
gen Z, and they know they know what fake or not,
and they're sick of seeing married people pretending to be
(21:10):
single romance scammers out for money. They're pretty sophisticated, these
young people, and they're like, this is real, This is
not real. Why are people even into this? Right? Although
I should say the romance scammers out there that are
out for money are more likely to target older divorcees, widows, widowers, right,
(21:31):
because they're less tech savvy and they're easy to trick. Sorry.
The other thing is they're using other apps that aren't
intended for dating. For instance, LinkedIn. Can you believe it?
LinkedIn is the new dating app? Now, it's not that
they run a dating app. It's that if you have
something in common, right, That's why people get attracted. Something
(21:53):
in common, like business, So they might message each other
about business things and then sort of, you know, kind
of find out there's no hall monitor. On LinkedIn, you
don't have a human resources department. You're okay. You can
flirt all you want on LinkedIn. And the biggest one
is Instagram. Instagram. Instagram, Instagram. That's where gen z is.
(22:16):
They're looking at each other's profiles. They're seeing what friends
they have in common. They are sending dms. Right, it's
all about Instagram for them. And finally, wait for it,
the newest trend of all. They're actually flirting in public.
They're learning how to do it. Okay, they don't know
how to do it. They're missing a lot of social skills,
but they're learning. Okay. So I think in the future,
(22:41):
dating apps need to somehow facilitate people to get in
the real world quickly. Maybe they provide fewer matches so
that they can prevent that paradox of choice. Maybe they
might include video conferencing or group dating in the real
world that feels safer. They're all are going to have
to eventually all those dating apps provide identity verification, because
(23:04):
forget all these fake profiles and background checks. You know,
in the past, the reason why the dating apps didn't
want to do any background criminal background checks is because
they felt it made them more liable, right, But I'm
sorry they're just going to have to protect users more.
One other way that gen Z is finally finding love.
(23:25):
They're actually asking friends to introduce them. Oh my god,
it's so old fashioned. I love it. Hey, when we
come back, I am going to be answering your social
media questions. Send your relationship questions in a DM to
me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R
Wendy Walsh. Producer Klab will go through and find them
for us. So if you've got a relationship question, I'm
(23:45):
not going to say your name, I'm not going to
out you, I'm not going to embarrass you. Please feel
free to send it in a DM. Now you are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM
six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Walsh Show if I
Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This
is the time of the show I go to my
social media producer Kayla has been rifling through all week
finding some of your relationship questions a reminder. I'm not
a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but i have a
lifetime of wisdom and I'm happy to weigh in. So
(24:27):
here we go. Let me go to my DMS. If
you'd like to send me a question, just go to
at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram.
Here we go. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm dating someone who
when I met him, his divorce was two weeks away
from being finalized. Oh, I think I know what's coming.
(24:47):
It's now finalized, but his ex wife still lives in
his house. They have separate bedrooms, and he paid for
the house. He says he doesn't want to rock the
boat by giving her sixty days notice to move out.
I am extremely uncomfortable with this. Should I pressure him
(25:08):
to move her out or just wait patiently? You should
do neither. You should get the heck out of there
as fast as you can. I'm telling you I have
waited for them to leave their wives my whole life. No,
there's a reason why he's at least emotionally attached to
her or financially attached to her, and you are going
(25:30):
to be in a three way emotional tangle for your
entire relationship with him. I promise you. If he says
he doesn't want to give her notice, he's not going to.
It is not your job to change him. But if
waiting patiently is something you think is going to work
out for you, then go ahead and try it. But
(25:50):
you got your old Auntie here, doctor Wendy saying I
would run so fast from this situation. Really get out
of there. This is too messy. Don't even There's so
many great guys out there. She's not gonna listen, is she.
She's not gonna listen. I just know it all right.
Next up, dear doctor Wendy. If a man just wants sex,
(26:13):
but I want more, what's the best way to get
him on the same page to see me as more
than just sex. Ps. We didn't have sex. He just
always tries on our dates. Oh what kind of like this? Okay,
So first I was gonna go, well, if you're having
sex with him, then sorry, can't change that. So I
(26:34):
think this is a great moment to have a doorway
into emotional intimacy. So when he tries to have sex,
you're gonna say things like, I am not ready. I
am actually looking for a committed, long term relationship and
I want to see where this leads before I do that.
And if you're looking for a short term relationship with
(26:55):
just sex, then maybe we're not a good match. Literally
say that, have a backbone, say the truth, because you're
You've got all the power right now to be completely honest.
And he said, well, how are you going to know?
Just say it takes some time to see if you're
if you're going to be like a good relationship material
person for the long term. That's what I say. Uh,
(27:20):
here we go again, Dear doctor Wendy. Whenever I have
a feeling and confront my boyfriend about it, confronts a
strong word. How about just discuss it, bring it up whatever, Okay.
Whenever I have a feeling and confront my boyfriend about it,
he tells me that I'm telling myself stories and running
with it as fact. He also tells me that it's
(27:41):
not his job to calm my crazy I do have
trust issues, but I wish he would provide comfort as
my partner. Isn't it his responsibility? So I don't like
the way he's responding to you, telling you you're crazy,
and he's got to calm you're crazy, and maybe even
(28:01):
gaslighting you saying, eh, you know, you're just making this
stuff up and believing it. Whatever. I do, think it
is your responsibility if you have heightened issues around jealousy
and trust issues, to see a licensed therapist and work
on that. But the other thing I have learned to
do with men is give them script literally, say you know,
(28:26):
when you say it's not your job to calm my crazy,
I don't feel safer or more comforted. It would really
help me if you would say, ah, babe, it's okay,
I'm still here with you, and reassure me a little bit.
It costs nothing to do that, Give me a hug, whatever,
give him a script, tell him exactly what you want
him to say and do, and you don't have to
(28:48):
say it in an angry way. Just be nice. Why
not we don't come with instruction manuals. We have to
give people instructions, and we teach people how to treat us.
Usually that saying comes with when we put up with
bad behavior and say nothing we have they've tested us,
and then we've given permission for them to use that
(29:10):
bad behavior. Right, We teach people how to treat us,
but sometimes it's more literal teaching. It is literally saying,
here's what I need you to say right now. It
would really help me. I've literally said that sentence to Julio.
I'll say, you know, what you said seems to be
feel It makes my feelings feel dismissive, just dismissed. So
(29:30):
could you say blah blah blah instead? And he usually
laughs because he thinks it's funny that I'm giving him
a little schooling.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
But he does.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
That's the thing. People like to know where they stand
and how to treat you. Okay, moving on, I think
we have time for one moment before the break. Dear
doctor Wendy, I've been dating a man for three weeks.
Is it too soon to start cooking for him? Is
that girlfriend or wife behavior? Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.
(29:58):
This I won't give to you until I see you
give to me, and time has to pass or you
have to spend a certain amount of money before right now. Okay,
stop all this nonsense. If you're a good cook and
you would like to have this man over for dinner,
then cook for him. The thing is It's not about
(30:21):
when it's okay to cook for somebody. The question is
are they reciprocating in their own way. Now that may
be financially taking you out to dinners, it may be
fixing stuff in your house for you or doing something instrumental, right,
but you're looking for reciprocation at the beginning. But I
(30:42):
mean obviously cooking for him every night and taking over
that role, that's a different thing. I mean, like as
a special thing. So Julio and I met during COVID, right,
and I just packed so many picnics. We were just outside.
We couldn't go to restaurants and you know, only going
to eat so much takeout. So I cooked a lot
at the beginning and packed picnics and that was a
(31:04):
wonderful way for us to bond. So no, it's not
too soon, and don't look at a clock. Just ask yourself,
is this person? What is a relationship? First of all,
a relationship is an exchange of care. The care can
take so many different forms financial, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and yes,
domestic responsibility care. So it's not like, oh he needs
(31:27):
to do this before I will ever cook for him.
Just pay attention. Is there some reciprocity happening in the
early stages of dating. Okay, when we come back, I
got a question from a guy who's having some problems
on dating apps. We'll talk about it when we come back.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
(31:47):
KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
to nine pm on Sunday and any time on demand
on the iHeartRadio app.
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