@DrWendyWalsh is talking social media regulation (06/24) Hour 1

Dr. Wendy is talking social media regulation, the secret to happy couples and how to say NO when you're single. It's all on KFIAM-640!

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show on demand on theiHeartRadio app. If you're new to me,
I'm a psychology professor, not atherapist, but I am obsessed with
the science of love. Producer Kayla. How you doing, I'm wonderful,
Doctor Wendy. How are you anythingnew happening in your love life? A

(00:21):
heartbreak? Heartbreak, laymen and heartbreak? You know it's funny. Yes,
yesterday we had my book group.I got to host it at my house.
It's been a while, so it'smy turn. And there's some people
brought their younger nieces, daughters,whatever. So we had this smattering of
girls in their twenties and then thewise old Auntie's there in the room.

(00:43):
And one of the women said,I don't know how it came out of
the blue because it didn't have anythingto do with the book we were reading.
But she said, what's about thischoking thing, the choking trend that's
happening right, She's just learning she'slate to the party, And I said,
oh, let me go. Firstof all, men are the average
age that young boys begin to watchporn. Are you sitting down? People?

(01:07):
Is the age of eleven. Accordingto research, the average young American
boy is starting to be exposed toporn by eleven. By the time he's
in his twenties, he is nowgraduated to more misogynistic, more violent,
crazy porn, and then he's datingyoung women who are competing in a high

(01:29):
supply sexual economy. I'll get therein a minute against other women. So
they think they have to give himwhat he's accustomed to. Believe me,
no woman goes waking up in themorning, Wow, I'd really like to
be choked tonight. Caleb. Whydid you look up like that? And
you had a little smirk like you'vehad that thought in the morning. You

(01:49):
remember that guy we had on whowas like the escort for the rich.
The we had him. He wasa hotty macat face. You remember,
he was really cute. Really,he was like, there's a way to
hair, and there's a way toso I think it's like doors kill me,
but there's a way to do Yeah. But there's a difference between a
little slap and tickle. Don't slapon me. Choke is fine with slap.
That's why I draw the line someonecutting off your air toobe you're supposed

(02:15):
to be able to breathe like alittle bit, Well, they don't know
how to do it right. AndI would never trust a high test offshore
a man at his moment of pleaseokay. And then somehow I brought up
the whole thing of remember the formerDodger Trevor Bauer, and the whole thing
from a couple of years ago andthe girl that was all beat up by
him, and he got off incourt because he said, well, she
gave me consent. Gentlemen, ifa woman says hit me, if a

(02:38):
woman says choke me, a gentlemansays no, thank you, ma'am.
That's what you say, No,thank you, ma'am. Okay. So
yeah, that's what the choking trendis about, is because women are trying
to catch up with what men's newinterests are. And I got to that
point in my book group and thenthey said, what did you say about

(02:59):
it? The high supply sexual economy? What is that? What does that
thing? And I realized that Ihad been talking about this for years.
It's all in my book The ThirtyDay Love Detalks, and yet on KFI
I haven't brought it up in awhile, in a long while. And
so there are these women of allages going down a tunnel in the dark

(03:20):
without a flashlight. So let meilluminate for you what the mating marketplace is
right now. We are fast headingtowards a culture of matriarchy. We're not
there yet, it's gonna be afew more decades. Okay, calm down.
We have seen a feminization of collegecampuses as we've entered the information age
now, even with the hard scientists. In fact, one of the young

(03:42):
women who was at the book clubyesterday is an engineering student, and she
said, even in her discipline,it's fifty to fifty men and women.
But the other disciplines it's far morewomen than men. Men are just not
getting educated. Because it's the informationage. Women are more uniquely suited.
We're talkers, we're texters, we'retypers, we have more social sensitivity.

(04:06):
In the information age, our skillset is actually needed. We don't need
to necessarily be building infrastructure, althoughBiden's been doing it. Apparently there's an
infrastructure bill happened. So anyway,so we have the feminization of college campuses.
We have women using a big chunkof their fertility window, which is
a biological reality, getting educated andbuilding their careers. We have men who

(04:31):
are now not having to work hardfor women. Not so long ago,
in order for a ban to havesex with a woman, he had to
impress her, he had to sacrificefor her. But right now, the
price of sex see the sexual economy. You know I was getting there.
The price of sex has been declining. Did you know in nineteen fifty the

(04:53):
average time between meeting somebody and marryingthem was about six months. Why?
Yes, the price of sex wassix months of courtship and an altar in
nineteen fifty. In the nineteen eightiesit was something called the three date rule.
You had to pay for three expensivedates. A man would pay so

(05:14):
that he could, you know,have his fun with the woman. Today,
the price of sex has dropped tothe barrel bottom price of one well
worded text. And sometimes all thattext says is U up late at night?
You up? I'm disgusted. Somen lose ambition when women put out
sex into the economy in high supply. At the same time, women believe

(05:40):
that what's good for the goose isgood for the gander. If they can
have as much sex as they want, then women should be able to too.
But you don't hear about the hookupculture. Are the girls crying in
therapist's office because they're thinking all thisfree sex is a stepping stone to finding
a mate? And usually it's not, because here's the thing. No gender
life someone who they don't have towork for. They value what they have

(06:02):
to sacrifice for. And so ifyou think you're gonna be the fun girl
and give it up and not bea problem to him, and he's gonna
turn around one day and go,you know what, you are wife material,
it's not gonna happen. Did youknow a man can have sex with
the same woman every week for sixmonths and not like her one bit more
than he did that first time.And if a woman has sex with a
man regularly for six months, herbody gives us so much oxytocin she falls

(06:26):
in love, even if he's aloser. So anyway, the high supply
sexual economy is hurting women. What'sthe answer, Well, stop having sex.
No, it depends what you're lookingfor. If you want a short
term relationship, have a short termrelationship, but don't think you're gonna convert
it. Okay, if you wanta long term relationship, then you need
to be cool and make him workfor it. Like him work for it.

(06:47):
That's it. Make him work forit. And then the other thing
that came up is, you know, we're all grown women. We're like,
why don't we just date women andjust use him for their sperm?
And I'm like, that is kindof where we're going. I think,
nothing, it's gonna happen all right. When we come back, I want
to talk about the Kids Online SafetyAct? Was it last week or the
week before? Two weeks ago?Two weeks ago? I want to talk

(07:10):
about what's going on and why weall should be calling our congress person so
we can save the mental health ofour children and teenagers. And later the
secret to happy couples. Apparently theyfight right and I'm going to tell you
how they do that. And forsingles, how to say no politely,
not necessarily sex. I mean,if somebody asked you out and you don't
want to go out, or youwent out with them for a little bit

(07:31):
and then you're like, I don'twant to continue this, how to do
it nicely without ghosting them, Andalso how to learn to tolerate rejection.
We got so much coming up,and I'll be taking your calls and going
to social media and blah blah blah. It's gonna be so much fun.
You're listening the Doctor Wendy Walls Showon KFI AM six forty. We Live
Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You'relistening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from

(07:55):
KFI AM six forty. I gota wedding coming up to time. Does
that make me not a single momanymore? Well, I think the fiance
and the relationship makes you not single. I know, but I was like,
now that once the kids are over. My youngest just turned twenty one,
so she's not a kid. Soam I still a single mom?
And then if I get married,am I still a single? But they

(08:16):
don't live now. I don't thinkyou're a single mom anymore. Okay,
I was a single mom for eighteenyears. The first one did not get
a cell phone until I'm going tosay at least eighth grade or ninth grade.
The second one was a digital nativefrom the beginning. I mean iPads
and strollers, the whole thing.I'd make every mistake that you could ever
have made, because I had akid who was not neurotypical and she had

(08:39):
screaming meltdown tantrums and stick a videoin front of her face and a calmer
down and get you around public.However, I will honestly say that the
younger one has struggled more with hermental health than the older one. I'm
not fully blaming social media. Thereare many, many, many features.
But there are a growing group ofparents out there there with a very loud

(09:01):
voice who are starting to blow thewhistle on these social media companies. It's
been going on for a couple ofyears. Do you remember two weeks ago
we had Mary Rode. She waspart of something called the Common Sense Media
Group, and she's in New Yorkand she'd helped do a rally to try

(09:22):
to get past the New York ChildData Protection Act. She's a teacher.
Her fifteen year old son joined Facebookbecause he wanted to sell something on Facebook
Marketplace. He'd never been on Facebookbefore. He stayed home from school one
day because he just had his bracestightened cutie, and he was in pain.
And so he gets on Facebook andgets a private message from a cute

(09:46):
little girl who or what he thinksis a cute little girl, and he
sees that some of his other friendsare friends with her, so we think
she's safe and a real person.And his friends are at school so we
can't check it out. They don'thave their phones in classroom. So he
starts having a great all time messagingher and flirting with her for a number
of hours till she asked him tosend a headshot, and she sends her

(10:07):
headshot, and then it gets alittle more explicit, and she sextorts him.
She gets him to send some sexuallyexplicit shot and then suddenly she I
don't know if you ever realized hewas being catfished by a syndicate potentially in
Nigeria. We don't know exactly,but that's where a lot of them are.
And this person at the other endof the line says, if you

(10:30):
don't send me money, I'm goingto send this video that you made or
picture, whatever it was, toevery single person on your social media who
shares your last name, your grandma, your aunties, your uncles, everybody.
This kid was so ashamed that hedied by suicide that day, and

(10:50):
it took only six hours of usingsocial media. It is heartbreaking. In
twenty twenty two, a new billwas introduced in the Senate called the Kids
Online Safety Act Kids Online Safety ActKOSA. It got very good, more
than sixty senators bipartisan support in theSenate. It recently passed a key House

(11:15):
subcommittee vote. President Biden has supportedthe bill, but guess what, they
don't have a date on the calendaryet for the House to even vote on
it, so it's sitting there inlimbo. This week, The New York
Times wrote a profile of a similarmother, not Mary Ord, another one
named deb schmil who has met withthirteen lawmakers in the last couple of weeks.

(11:37):
She herself has taken a little apartmentin Washington to try to get them.
Her daughter, Becca died at theage of eighteen. She died after
taking a drug that, unbeknownst toher, was laced with fentanyl that she
bought on Facebook Before that, Whydid she reach out to Brad Ruggs.

(12:00):
Her daughter was traumatized because she wasraped by a boy she'd met online,
and then when other kids found aboutit out about it, she was cyberbullied
on Snapchat. This woman is outthere saying we need to get this passed.
But they are up against all thetech companies who've been paying for the
politicians of course and contributing to theirand the tech companies are of the stupid

(12:24):
argument that's like, this is notgoing to protect kids data if they have
to ask the age of the kidsand verify the age that's stealing their data.
Oh stop, that's double speak.So I want everyone today to write
your congress person. If you don'tknow who congress person is, you just
go online Congress, Doug Over orwhatever you put in your zip code.
It's so simple. And you saywe need Kosa Kosay Coosa, the Kids

(12:48):
Online Safety Act up for a votein the House, because it's sitting there
languishing. It's got no date.For the rest of us. Let's talk
about good digital hygiene for all ofus. Number one, we all need
to be doing this. I don'tcare what your age. Don't go online
first thing in the morning or lastthing at night. Don't already pollute your

(13:11):
brain with social media. Set virtualboundaries for yourself. Limit screen time,
commit to checking your email only everyfew hours, never have your phone at
the dinner table, and say noto tech in the evening. For at
least two hours before you go tobed, read a real book, watch

(13:33):
some comedy on Netflix if you haveto, but don't look at your phone.
That blue light will keep you upall night. We have to all
practice good digital hygiene. Sleeping withit in a different room has proven to
be really beneficial if you just likeleave it in the living room. Low.
Yeah, because they buzz and beepand do everything and we grab it
exactly. So we need to startdoing this for all of us, for

(13:54):
our mental health, especially for ourkids and teenagers. And write your congress
person, please kossay Kids Online SafetyAct. Okay, when we come back,
did you know there's a secret tohappy couples and it was discovered in
research? Good research too. Theyfight right, let me explain what that
is. When we come back.You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls

(14:15):
Show on KFI AM six forty.Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh ondemand from KFI AM six forty. This
is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show.So I'm gonna tell you something. Julio
and I had a fight last week, and you know what, we had
to fight about neither of us remember, we don't actually remember the topic,

(14:37):
but we know probably what triggered it, which is we were separated because he
was far away doing the movie.I was far away. We had time
change problem, and so as aresult, we get a little antsy when
we're away from each other and snippyand I don't sleep as well when I'm
not with him, and so Iwas overtired. There's actually research say that

(15:00):
just getting a good night's sleep isone of the best things you can do
for your relationship. But anyway,I don't sleep well, and so we
had this knockdown, drag him out, silly little argument on the phone.
Honestly, neither of us, nowthat we're back together, can remember the
content of it and what and thebig thing here, the big news here

(15:20):
is that the point is we havean understanding of why it happened, which
was the distance and the separation.So you know, I quote them all
the time. Probably my favorite researcherson the planet when it comes to marriage
are John and Julie Gotman at theGotman Institute at the University of Washington.
They are psychologists who've been studying couplesfor twenty thirty forty years, and they

(15:46):
say that there are certain kinds offights that happen with couples. Right,
they are, first of all,problems that can be solved. Those are
the same things like you're not parkingyour car straight and I can't fit in
the garage, or I don't likethe way you undo the toothpaste, or
can you do this? Or nothave the TV on when I'm trying to

(16:07):
go to sleep. These are justproblems. You come to a compromise,
you solve them. It's done.I have another friend who's a Mariagan family
therapist, and I said to herone time, what is the most common
thing that couples fight about? Andshe goes it doesn't matter what it is,
it's that it never goes away.So the goatmans call this the perpetual

(16:30):
problem. In other words, oppositesattract. We attract to somebody who's different
from us, and then we getthem in our orbit, and now we
don't like that thing that's different.Right, there's this perpetual problem. It
might be a value driven thing,like somebody spends a lot of money in
the other person's a savor it.Maybe you know something about night owls mourning

(16:52):
people. It might be some peopleone is more religious than the other,
some deep value thing, might bea parenting thing, a perpetual problem,
and it just keeps coming up.Right, So the Gotmans say, the
third level is the gridlock perpetual problems. And that's a perpetual problem that actually
has been mishandled in the past.So now it's a big old tender spot

(17:15):
and nobody wants to bring it up. They're just tiptoeing around this issue.
But it's always there. It's theelephant in the living room. So what
the Gotmans say is that smart couplesthe happy couples. And here's the thing
I love about the research that theystudy couples who they've actually been able to

(17:36):
put couples in a room and problemssolve together, and watch how they interact,
how they maybe reach out for care, touch each other, or be
polite, respectful in their tone eventhough they disagree. They look at if
there's name calling, all kinds ofstuff, and they can actually tell with
like ninety percent accuracy if the couple'sgoing to be divorced within five years just

(17:59):
by watching them in a lab forten minutes, right, Because it's all
about conflict style. So they alsostudy couples who are relatively happy for decades.
And here's the secret. It allcomes down to how they fight.
The biggest mistake that couples make,according to the Gotmans and the research,

(18:21):
is that they fight to win.Somebody wants to be right, somebody wants
to win. And if you arefighting to win, the relationship will lose
because if somebody wins, somebody elseloses. And now you're with a partner
who has lower self esteem, whofeels bad or has a grudge. Now,

(18:45):
So the couples who are smart,the masters at fighting, they don't
fight to win. They fight tounderstand. So fighting to understand means taking
the conversation about what the issue is, the surfacey thing, and trying to
go a little bit deeper, tryingto figure out why your partner has this

(19:07):
strong feeling, whether it actually isrelated to what's happening right now or something
in their childhood, but you reallywant to try to understand the issue.
For instance, one time years ago, I was with this guy and I
said something, but I remembered itwrong, so I misspoke, But I
was quite sure, excuse me,that I said it right. Right.
So I was kind of like,no, no, no, really,

(19:29):
and he got so angry. Idid remember it wrong, by the way.
But the reason why he got angrybecause later I said to him,
you know, I feel like becauseof what happened in your childhood. He
had told me earlier that in hischildhood the family, both parents had gas
lit him all the time, andthey talked to him about a reality that
he knew as a kid just wasn'ttrue or wasn't right right. They were

(19:52):
always misleading him and tricking him andlying to him. The kids know everything,
they're a sponge. They know thetruth. You can't really lie.
And so I was able to gethim to see, oh my god,
I triggered you because I had thememory wrong, so it felt like I
was gaslighting it. We ended upmaking up and everything was fine. Right.
So here's a question you ask inthe throes of a fight. If

(20:14):
you can calm down a bit anduse a nice tone, say honey,
is there something that might have happenedin your childhood this make you feel so
strongly about this? Or ask themto imagine what is their dream about how
it will be resolved instead, Sowhat do you want me to do about
it. No, not that yousay, Okay, let's try to problem

(20:34):
solve here. I see that you'rereally upset. How would you like to
see this settled? How would youlike to see the outcome? Help me
understand what you need right now?If you talk like that, you'll get
through the issues. So that's whyHulu and I don't remember the content of
the fight we had last week.The argument. It was a fight.
It was argument on the phone becausewe were able to go, Oh,

(20:59):
it's because as we're far apart,it's because we're missing each other. We're
both irritable because of that. Right, So what you want to do is
try to inject some empathy into thefight. Now. I know it's hard.
You've been triggered, you're mad,they're really pissing you off. Also,
when you've been in a long termrelationship, you kind of take them
for granted. You know they're notgoing to walk out the door. So

(21:22):
it's hard for you to be soft. But you have to. You have
to allow your partner to express theirtruth without fear or judgment. You have
to start doing it yourself as well. All right, when we come back,
I want to talk to single peopleout there, single people of any
age who are maybe going to beasking somebody out, maybe have been asked

(21:45):
out, maybe had a date ortwo with somebody, and now you're like,
Eh, I don't think that person'sfor me. How do you reject
somebody nicely? What do you do? And also if you're the rejectee,
how do you tolerate that? Let'stalk about hell healthy rejection. When we
come back, you are listening tothe Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM
six forty. We live everywhere onthe iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor

(22:08):
Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AMsix forty. Hi, everybody, you
are live in our KFI AM sixforty studios in Burbank, California, and
we are live live live. Afterthis segment, I am going to be
taking your phone calls live, Soproducer Kayla is going to head to the
phones in a few minutes and screenthe calls. You can say hi to

(22:30):
her first. If you have arelationship question, you are welcome to call
in. The number is one eighthundred five two zero one five three four.
That's one eight hundred five to zeroone KFI. But not quite yet,
because she hasn't opened the phone linesyet, but you will. I'll
announce the number again too, allright. Many people have a very hard
time rejecting another person. Nobody wantsto hurt anybody, right, We don't

(22:53):
want to give them pain, andso we have trouble saying no. We
have trouble setting back boundaries because we'rebasically nice people. Most people are basically
nice people, right, And sothe problem in the dating scene, especially
if you're single and it's early on, is that you might end up going

(23:14):
on a date with somebody you don'teven like, just because you don't want
to say no, or they're beingpersistent in some way. And the other
problem is that, you know,besides that you went on a pity date,
is that you might ghost somebody.A lot of people do that where
they just don't respond, and thathurts the mental health of the other person

(23:37):
because they sit there at a loss. Psychologists would call it ruminating. What
did I did wrong? Did theyget my text? Did they know?
Did they get my hands? Idon't know, right, It's a terrible
feeling to be ghosted, right.It impacts somebody's self esteem. They often
blame themselves. They're imagining why thiscould have happened. Okay, first of

(24:00):
all, if we're talking about rejection, here's what you should not do.
You should not wean somebody. Ladies, you are famous for this. Actually,
dudes, you do it too.A lot of you guys did it
to me back in the day.I remember, all Right, when you
wean someone, you just take longerand longer between the check ins, and

(24:25):
the texts are fewer words, andthe phone calls start to become nonexistent.
Right, That's called weaning them.The problem is if somebody has if they're
really into you, or they havea little anxiety around attachment, this actually
ignites them. They want to getcloser, so they try more and more

(24:45):
ways to try to get these bidsfor your attention. So weaning somebody not
only doesn't work, but it oftenmakes them come back stronger. And the
other thing, kind of like weaningis if somebody asks you out, try
not to give them false hope bysaying things like I'm just really busy this

(25:06):
week, Like they say you wantto go see this show Friday, No
I can, I'm busy. No. You have to say no, thank
you. You can't just say I'mbusy, because if you say are busy,
they think it's just the Friday nightthat's the problem, and they're going
to keep trying. And if yousay things like oh, maybe another time,
it leaves them like want more.Right, That is not saying no.

(25:30):
If you've gone on a few dateswith somebody and you know sometime it
takes two three dates for you togo no, probably not for me.
You don't want to do the wholetalk about Hey, you know it's not
you, it's me. I'm notreally ready for a relationship. Oh come
on, you went on a date. Of course you were ready for a

(25:52):
relationship. You were looking for somebody. So you have to find a way
to be very clear. And asI mentioned before, never ever, ever,
ever, ever ever ever, ghost, don't ghost. You can send
a text that's polite. So let'stalk about the things you can do to
say no to a date or noto somebody that you might have had a

(26:12):
couple of dates with. The mostimportant thing is you want to be clear
when you say no, but alsopolite, and you also want to say
few words. Here's why. Ifyou say something like oh, that's really
kind of you to ask me,but no, thank you, that's very

(26:33):
clear they got the message right.But if you say, oh, that's
really kind of you, no,thank you. I don't really like Beyonce.
What woman's going to say that,right, So you're gonna they're immediately
good to now mount an argument.Oh no, really, she's great.
You should come check her out.Right. The more information you give when

(26:56):
you're negotiating, you're giving fuel forthe other person to argue with you.
So less is more. Just saythat's really kind of you, no thank
you. Also, if you've beenon a date with somebody or two or
three and they call again, youwant to thank them for following up.

(27:17):
Thanks for calling again, that's reallysweet of you. I did have a
good time, But I want tobe honest. I don't think we're meant
for each other romantically. The thingI used to say to people is I
think you're great, but I justdon't think romance is in the cards for
us. That's implying like, hey, you're a good person and you're in
you're good for somebody. I usedto have a system when I rejected men.

(27:41):
That was a very good rejector.Now I used to do all the
bad things before, and I'd wonderwhy they wouldn't go away. I try
to wean them and all that stuff, and they keep coming back with more
and sending me presents and whatever.And so now now I'm taken now.
But back when I was dating findingmy man, I would, you know,
have the conversation. Maybe I justmet them on the app and then
I get on the phone so Icould do some real interviewing before deciding on

(28:03):
the date. And then if Idecided I didn't want to go on a
date after that, I would havethis canned text and it usually began with
something personal like, hey, great, great chatting with you on the phone.
You know, have fun at yoursister's wedding or whatever they talked about
is coming up. I actually don'tthink romance is in the cards for us,

(28:23):
but I'll be happy to keep youin mind for a friend sometime.
Now. Let me tell you,no man ever wrote back okay, b
word. They never said anything rude. They either did not write back at
all because they knew where they stood, which is fine, or they said
hey, thanks, yeah, wecan keep in touch, thanks for your
honesty. They'd often say thanks foryour honesty. They would just know.

(28:45):
People want to know where they stand, and it's possible to be kind when
you say no. You can beempathetic and say something like, you know,
I really wish you the best,and I hope you find to your
person. What a sweet thing tosay, right, I really hope you
find your person. You could saysomething like I had a great time with

(29:11):
you, but I don't think it'sgoing to continue in the way that you
want it. It's not working forme, but thank you and great,
you know, like throw in somecompliments along the way. Now. I
want to be clear, there arecertain times when it's absolutely okay not to
be nice to somebody when you're rejectingthem. And these are the people who

(29:33):
don't get the kindness followed by thevery clear no, thank you. Right.
They are the people who don't takeno for an answer. They are
the people who keep harassing you andasking you out again and again and again.
You know who you are. Peopleyou need to learn to take no
for an answer. So you needto say to this person, I appreciate
you asking the answers. No,please don't ask me again. You have

(29:59):
to give them the next life ofbehavior that you want, right, please
don't ask me again. And ifthey try to guilt you or manipulate you.
You can actually just say I'm notinterested. Please respect that, and
you don't have to get mad.You can just sit flat. I'm not
interested. Please respect that. Right. If they're totally making you feel creeped

(30:22):
out, though, you have myfull permission to be as blunt as possible
and just say your behavior is makingme feel uncomfortable. I'm gonna tell you
a story many years ago, Iwent on a date with a man.
It was a lovely date, drinks, appetizer somewhere, which is the first
time meeting him off an app andthen we get out to the valet Parker.
I'm getting waiting for my car,he's waiting for his car, and
he suddenly grabs me and does likethe deep throat tongue kiss, like a

(30:45):
stranger at happy hour. I know, right, Kayla. Her face went
eh. It's like there was noleading up to it. There was no
you know, mutual body language,there was no time. It was just
all of a sudden, what didyou do? Well? He kept calling
me and wanting me to get upto his place in Big Bear as a

(31:06):
ski resort near us. I wantto get you up to Big Bear and
I originally texted something like I'm notup to it or I'm not up for
it, and then he kept houndingme because I was being too nice.
Right, and then I finally said, actually that kiss was inappropriate. It
made me feel uncomfortable. Good foryou, and he said say sorry.
He said, oh, oh,I understand. Okay, Yeah, this
is a nerdy guy who didn't knowbetter. But I didn't want a nerdy

(31:29):
guy in my life. We're donethere. Listen, if you're the person
being rejected, I want you toknow that it's okay to feel hurt,
but don't ruminate about it. Surroundyourself by people you love you who love
you, your friend's, family,colleagues, right, get that social support
you need. Remind yourself that thereis somebody out there for you. Just
because you're a bad match doesn't meanyou're a bad person. Right. We

(31:52):
all go out with people where itdoesn't work out, and do the work
that you need to do. Bemindful, journal go to therapy if you
need to. If you're constantly constantlyfeeling rejected and grieving and loss, then
maybe you're picking people who will rejectyou unconsciously, not consciously unconsciously you could
be picking people who will reject you, and you need to talk to a

(32:15):
therapist about why you're always chasing thosepeople who will hurt you. All Right,
when we come back, I amgoing to be taking your calls.
If you have a relationship question,I would love to weigh in on your
love life. The number is oneeight hundred and five two zero one KFI.
That's one eight hundred five two zeroone five three four. Reminder,
I'm not a therapist. I'm apsychology professor, but I've written three books

(32:36):
on relationships, did a dissertation onattachment theory, and I love to weigh
in on people's love lives. Giveme a call. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AMsix forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You've been listening toDoctor Wendy Walls. You can always hear
us live on KFI AM six fortyfrom seven to nine pm on Sunday and

(32:57):
anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.