June 3, 2024 • 35 mins
Dr Wendy is talking the fall of P. Diddy and domestic violence. Plus are you a secure person? Can you create instant chemistry? Are you in the friend zone? What are your deal breakers. Dr. Wendy is talking about it all and more on KFIAM-640!
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(00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Show. Welcome to my show whereI talk about all our relationships, our
love relationships, our family relationships.Later in the show, I have a
(00:21):
very special author on who wrote abook about adult bullies. You know any
of those in your life. Theycan be he says, they could be
anywhere at church, in the workplace, in your family. How to handle
adult bullies. Also, so manypeople tell me that they're not sure what
it feels like to have a secureattachment and what good love feels like.
(00:43):
So I want to talk about howsecure people think and behave in their relationships.
And if you are somebody who's maybebeen I'm sorry put in the friend
zone. I'm gonna give you someadvice. But first, producer, Kayla,
how are you you with me?I am wonderful, I'm with you.
How are you good? The break, We've been talking a lot about
Puff Daddy, Sean Puffy, colmbsP did D did D and Sean Love
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cold Well brother Love. That didn'tstick, But that was another name he
tried to give himself yet. Okay, this is one person we're referring to
who has had many names men asan artist over the years. Okay,
if you don't know, he's arapper and record producer. Born in New
York, he worked at Uptown Records, and then he founded his own record
label, bad Boy Records, backin nineteen seventy three. His music career
(01:34):
in nineteen ninety ninety three, didI say seventy three? You did?
I'm just like back in a discosomewhere. That was a good time.
Quit it was good, The musicwas great. His music career includes eleven
number one songs, three Grammy Awards, all kinds of producer credits on hundreds
of songs. However, he's inthe news recently because last year, his
former girlfriend, Cassie Ventura, accusedhim of raping her in twenty eighteen and
(02:00):
accused him of years of abuse overthe course of their relationship. This is
in civil court, not criminal,because it's outside the statute of limitations.
Now, these two settled back inNovember. He claimed at the time.
None of it was true. Noneof it was true. It's just that
he's a wealthy, famous man andpeople are going to try to get money
(02:22):
from him. By the way,there are seven other civil lawsuits that are
pending that accused him of sexual misconductand other illegal activity. He continues to
deny all the claims from many ofthese civil suits. He has not responded
to the allegations. However, thenCNN let loose a video in the last
(02:44):
couple weeks of him done by ahotel he physically assaulted Cassie Ventura, his
ex girlfriend. Now, the DA'soffice said this incident was still outside the
statute of limitations, so they couldn'tprosecute. However, the video could become
evidence in on this ongoing federal investigation. Member a couple months back, they
(03:07):
and they searched his couple of hishouses. They put his young adult sons
and handcussed in like that part,but you know they were really hardcore.
He apparently paid that hotel back backin twenty sixteen about fifty thousand dollars not
to release the video footage. Sothe current management say, well, we
weren't management at the time. Noneof our business, right but I'm wondering,
(03:30):
is there a suit there? Like, That's what I'm thinking. I'm
thinking what happened because fifty's actually notthat much money for a tape like that.
I'm thinking could the two security guardswho were on their shift at that
time been the ones who said,Man, okay, if you give us
each twenty five, you can havethat tape. Yeah. And I'm also
wondering how did the tape get released? I know CNN released it, but
(03:50):
how did they get it? Ifhe bought it from the hotel, maybe
the investigators found it in that raid, ah and they released it to the
media. Can't sue them, That'swhat I'm thinking now. Last week he
posted an apology video You're rolling youreyes producer Kayle that was so upset,
(04:10):
like, just nobody wants to hearfrom you, nobody wants to see you.
Stop. You denied it all.Yeah, the thing that you what
a funny way of saying it earlier? You like he's at court going I
did nothing, Oh except maybe there'sthat one thing now remember right exactly?
But you denied it all now youOh you I forgot about that word.
I'm sorry, I go what botheredme about the apology video is he was
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apologizing to his fans for not livingup to their idea of who they think
he is. He claims he wentto therapy, but there was no apology
to his victim, and people aresaying that's because he's not according to their
old lawsuit. Lawsuit, he's notallowed to say her name or acknowledge her,
or at least say her name.Say her name. He's allowed he
could say, in a vague way, victim. My heart goes out to
(04:56):
victims of domestic violence. Anything Ihave done hurt anybody, I'm so so
sorry. No is it any ofthat? And that tape was triggering for
me. For you, I'm asurvivor of domestic violence, it was triggering
for you. You had a stalkher once. Sorry, I just just
your business out there. I thinkit goes under the umbrella of domestic violence
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as well. And it looks sodangerous you just google it online because it's
it's terrible, but don't look atit. And if you're going to be
triggered. But she could have died. I mean she was on the floor
in front of the elevator trying toescape. He dragged her down to the
floor and he was kicking her.He could have kicked her in the head
and killed her. It looked likea horror movie. It was. She
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looked like a lifeless body as hewas dragging her back. So anyway,
all I'm saying is it's not over. I'm keeping this story alive while the
Feds are busy with their investigation,because apparently they can still use this video
in any future trials for other theirallegations supposedly of money laundering, illegal drugs,
(05:58):
sex crimes. They could come atand with a whole bunch of stuff
and this could be show up asevidence. Just saying, all right,
can we talk about our healthy relationships? Now? Yes, that's an unhealthy
relationship, very unhealthy. People oftenask me how to secure people act in
relationships and how can you tell ifsomebody's emotionally secure? And there are a
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few ways. For one, it'sreally important that you understand that secure people
are not like what's the word cooland aloof and all together. What they
are is they know how to beinterdependent, which means when a secure person
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has needs emotional needs or physical needs, they know how to reach out to
others for help and guidance and supportand they're not embarrassed or in shamed or
feeling weak for having to reach outfor guidance. Right. The other thing
is they can be a shoulder tolean on. They're not gonna make fun
of you for your feelings either.They're gonna be like coming bribe. Let's
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talk about that. So interdependence isdifferent from independence. Interdependence means that you
can lean on each other's shoulders.The other thing that secure people are not
afraid of is the ability to sayno. They have good boundaries. You
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know, some people feel like ifthey say no, they're gonna make the
other person feel bad. I've heardthat so many times, like, well,
if I'm so strong and I saythat, and you know, they're
gonna make the other person feel badand I don't want to hurt them.
Okay, I'm gonna say it.I'm probably gonna say it again. I've
said it before, I'm gonna continueto say it. In my life,
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nobody can make somebody else feel acertain way. People can behave in abusive
ways, and you can choose tofeel like a victim and have a feeling
as a result of it, butthat's on you. You can walk away
from an abusive person too, andchoose not to feel like a victim.
(08:07):
So therefore, if you want tosay no and have a boundary, it's
not It doesn't matter what their experienceis. Now how you say no is
important. Right. If they say, hey, honey, we have not
gone out in a while. Canwe please go out to a fancy restaurant
That's gonna cost way more money thanwe can afford. Now, what do
you think? What have I madeof money? No, that's not what
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you say. You say, Oh, that sounds so wonderful. I'd love
to do that, honey, butwe can't afford it. So the answer
is no. Is there another thingwe could do? Maybe make a picnic
together? Right? That's how asecure person owns their no. The other
thing that secure people do is theydon't get threatened by change. They understand
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and adapt. So if you say, hey, you know, I've been
so bundled up with you lately,I'm gonna go out with my girlfriends a
little more because I feel like Ineed to get my social support back,
they're not gonna go what do youwho are going out with? I'm not
good enough? Right, They're ableto go, Oh, that's cool,
I should probably go out with mybuddies more too. That's fine. We're
good as long as we can comeback together, right. The other thing
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is they have great empathy for whenothers are in pain, and they have
great empathy and want to help otherswhen they're struggling, but they do not
feel that the other person's struggle istheir responsibility. I want you to listen
closer to that. You can haveempathy, you can care, you can
do kind things for somebody, butfixing them, healing them, making their
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life better is not your responsibility.It's their responsibility. And here's my favorite.
Secure people respond to criticism with curiosityinstead of defensiveness. They might say
things like, oh, am,I like that. That's interesting. I
(09:58):
think I'll work on that. That'show a secure person behaves in a relationship.
Am I like that? Heyla,Am I like that? Yeah,
Yeah, you're great. I'm abig mouth, and I now own it.
I used to be sensitive to itwhen people say I talk too much,
Well, you know, I gotsent out of the classroom and had
my desk in the hallway in elementaryschool for talking too much, and then
(10:20):
I was shushed a lot by menbefore in workplaces back when they didn't allow
women to have voices. And youknow, you get grown up and you
go, you know what, I'mgonna own it because your voice is a
big power, and now I makemoney with my voice. People throw rocks
at things that shine. They alwaysthrow rocks at your gifts because they want
to stifle them because they feel badabout themselves. And when you're young,
it feels painful. But now you'reold and you're like, no, no,
(10:41):
I'm a big mouth. I teachet cetera, et cetera. All
right, when we come back.We would love to think that love is
all about luck, but I alwayssay it's about skill. Well, there's
research to show that you can actuallydo a few things to create instant chemistry
in love. You single, Iwant you to listen, not when we
(11:01):
come back. You're listening to DoctorWendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six
forty. KFI Am six forty.You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Producer Kayla, have you ever had
love at first sight? No?Me either, not at all. It's
I like is engaged for a whileas I'm assessing and I like, I
(11:26):
like like you sapio sexuals, andyou can't tell that from like I'm a
sapio sexual. I like to belike a smart man. I need.
You can't sell that fart. Yeah, you know a lot of people believe
in love and first sight, butthere's research. In fact, a twenty
twenty twenty twenty two study showed thatlove at first sight is just a strong
initial attraction. Some people are morevisually wired and they look at someone and
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they feel more attracted, so theycall that love at first sight. There's
another myth out there, and thisis this idea that love is all about
luck. I hear people say allthe time, if I could just meet
the right person, And there theyare going through swiping and swiping and swiping
on the dating apps, going outon one more boring date after another,
(12:11):
because now they're victims of paradox ofchoice. The more choice the human brain
has, the less likely it isto make a choice, and when it
does make a choice, it doesn'tvalue it that much. So they're actually
ways to create romantic chemistry. I'ma big believer that we all need to
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have the game board revealed to us. We all need to learn how to
better navigate the landscape of love.So study done in twenty twenty two published
in Perspectives on Psychological Science, foundthat romantic chemistry can be broken down into
three things. Cognitive that means thinkingpatterns, effective ways in which emotions are
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displayed, and behavioral actions. Solet's go through each of those things and
I'll tell you what I mean.Let's talk about emotional display first. We
know that falling in love at firstsight is really just a strong visual initial
attraction. However, if you showemotion and that emotion is reciprocated, So
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if you laugh together, if youshow empathy towards each other when you share
stories, this will create feelings oflove better than this idea of trying to
be cool. I'm just cool.I'm a little bit distant and cool,
right, So if you take thetime to really enjoy somebody's chemistry. You
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know, one time years ago,I was out on a date with a
guy and he had sadly just losthis wife, and he talked about her
for two hours straight. I gavehim a great deal of empathy, but
he never had a conversation with me. He didn't ask me a lot of
questions about my life. I triedto throw in little things. He didn't
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pick up on them. There wasn'treciprocity because he was in his own sad
state and he had an empathetic personsitting beside him who was listening. But
it wasn't reciprocal. So the otherthing that elevates chemistry is responding to that
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other person and responding to them ina big way, making them feel good
about who they are. Now,if we move from emotions into cognitive,
this is thinking. People fall inlove when they think alike. If you
share someone's beliefs, values, morals, their likes, their interests, their
dislikes. In fact, some peoplebond over their dislikes. I have seen
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people in dating profiles put their politicalaffiliation out there because they want somebody who
thinks like them. If you havesimilarities, you will feel more in love
with the Now here's the cool thing. You don't have to actually have the
similarities. You just have to perceivethat you're similar together, and people do
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that at the beginning of relationship.Oh my god, there's so much like
me. They love to snowboard too. Oh my god, he drinks red
wine. Oh I love it.Because he likes to go skating. Right,
whatever it is, you get soexcited because somebody shares an interest.
And the big behavior to create instantchemistry is so simple. It's honesty and
(15:33):
candor if you can have open andmeaningful conversations from the get go. I
know I've told this story before,but I'll tell you again. On my
very first quick coffee date with mynow fiance Julio, I said, instead
of us selling each other and basicallytrying to tell each other how datable we
are, why don't we tell astory about how undtable we are? And
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he went, okay, you gofirst. I told him a couple of
things, and then he told mehis big story and we shared empathy with
each other. Right, we werehonest. The spark came because we were
two honest, open people. Thishelps people feel safe and secure and it
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feels like being a real person.Right. I have in the past been
on dates with people who were socool they felt untouchable, they didn't feel
real. Right, being nervous andsaying you're nervous is more likely going to
get a feeling of love and humanitythan being cool or just being honest.
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I mean not humor that's completely selfdeprecating all the time because that makes you
look insecure. But just being honestabout being a human being, this actually
creates feelings of love, And soI encourage you to fall in love in
an intentional way. Don't let lovejust grab you by the whatever and pull
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you into some delusion. Say toyourself, Okay, I've read this profile.
The person on paper looks good.What can I do to create a
real emotional connection here? You know, I remember one time going on a
date with a guy. We didn'thit it off, although interesting enough,
I contacted him a couple of timesyears later for business stuff because he was
real. And you know what hesaid to me. He said, I
(17:29):
looked you up and I see thatyou're a relationship expert. I just want
to I'm just wondering if you're doingresearch here, because you know, we're
just a bunch of humans hanging ourheart out. And it was so sweet
the way he said it. Itwas so honest, and I said,
no, no, no, I'mnot doing research at all, although here
I am talking about the date here, so it was good research. But
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anyway, because he was so realand genuine, I felt comfortable reaching out
to him in years later about somebusiness questions and such, even though romance
was not in the cards for us. Because we're human beings speaking of romance
that may not work out. Maybeyou're somebody who's been put in the friend
zone. Maybe you're somebody who putssomeone in the friend zone. Can we
talk about what that means, whyit's legitimate, and how each of you
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should be handling yourself. Now,this is super important. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFIAM six forty we live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to DoctorWendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six
forty s AFIM six forty. Youhave Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.I want to welcome my Instagram audience.
(18:38):
Hey Instagram, if you're watching,why don't you show me where you're watching
from? Oh, I see already, from all over the country and all
over the state Orange County, Arizona. Just punch in a city or state.
Let me know you where you're watchingfrom. If you want to listen
to the full show, The DoctorWendy Wall Show you just download the iHeartRadio
app and search doctor Wendy Waller WESHin a couple segments, I'm going to
(19:02):
be going into my dms and lookingfor your relationship questions. Oh look,
Kansas and Bali. I want tobe in Bali. That's cool in West
Virginia. A lot of people listento our We're on an app now,
so we're everywhere, all right.I want to talk about the friend zone.
It has a negative connotation, butI think evolutionary psychologists would say it's
(19:27):
a very necessary part of our socialorganization. Might have had a different name
in times past. So first ofall, what is somebody who's been in
the friend zone. It tends tobe somebody who is regarded as a platonic
friend. However, they have aromantic interest in the person who's regarding them
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as a platonic friend. Now,these kinds of relationships can happen in heterosexual
relationships, in se sex relationships.When we use the term friend zone and
say oh, I've been put inthe friend zone, it's commonly associated with
heterosexual males. Right, they hangout with these women. They try to
be the nice guy. They thinkif I just am nice to her,
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She's going to fall in love withme. However, the situation can be
particularly painful. If you're the onewho's been put in the friend zone,
it can feel very confusing. Now, I do want to say that having
friends in the friend zone, peopleof all genders, is important for our
social support. We do not dowell in isolation. We all need a
(20:37):
social support network out there. Butif there's somebody out there that has unrequited
love and unrequited feelings, then itcan be very, very painful. I
did some research because I was tryingto figure out, like where the term
came from, Like, Kayla,how often does it seem like it just
cropped up? Or has it beenaround her zone? Yeah, it was
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actually creative from an episode of Friends. They said it in one of their
earlier that Yeah, I'm a hugeFriends fan. Oh yeah, I watched
some Friends on the plane last week. Isn't it great? Yeah? Rachel's
hair. I used to have herhair. Yeah, did you get a
hair Oh I had the haircut.Oh wow. I was hosting extra at
the time and we all rushed together. She hated that haircut. She hated
it. Yes, that's what shewas a good actress and she was known
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for her hair. It's like crazy, yes. So in nineteen ninety four,
there was an episode of Friends calledthe One with the Blackout and Joey
tells Ross that he's in the friendzone because he waited too long to make
his move on Rachel. However,that phrase didn't become mainstream until about two
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decades later. You know, it'sreally important for our mental health to keep
a roster of backup mates around us. Oh oh oh, even if you're
married, even you're happy, evenif you're in a secure relationship and you're
not planning on leaving and nobody's planningon leaving, we have an evolutionary survival
tool that has our brain thinking,well, if something ever happened, right,
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who would I be with? Sowe kind of keep backup mates,
and putting people in the friend zonemakes them a kind of backup mate.
Now here's the problem. People inthe friend zone are often very unhappy,
right, they're in love with hope. They think, if I'd just be
nice to this person, if Ido nice things for her or him,
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they'll eventually turn around and like me. And the person who's put them in
the friend zone knows that they're notgoing to have a romantic relationship with them
unless something happened, unless they werecompletely desperate, unless everyone else was gone.
So it's like, unconsciously, oneknows they've got a backup mate,
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and the other knows they got alittle bit of a chance. But it's
tiny, right, that's the problem. That's where the pain comes from.
So what you should do if youare trapped in the friend zone and you're
in pain about it? You don'tlike being By the way, when I
was a young single woman, Iused to have a roster of friend zone
guys. I used to call thembecause I guess friend zone wasn't used so
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much. Then, I called themmy hovermen. They were men who were
hovering around, but I wasn't actuallydating them. But if I needed someone
to take the car to the shopwith me, or fix my dryer or
hook up my speaker or whatever,I could call them and they would come
up right away. They would comeover right away, and I just called
them my hovermen. But I guessthey were in the friend zone and they
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were hopeful. So if you arein the friend zone, and if you
don't like the feeling, I'm goingto tell you that you should dump all
hope. You're a friend. You'reonly ever going to be a friend.
Nothing's going to change. Okay,so I know it's painful. Hey,
let's looking at me like that issome harsh advice. That was rough.
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You gotta dump all hope. Ifyou're sitting there just picking up romantic breadcrumbs
and hoping she's gonna dump that otherperson or he's gonna dump that other girl,
you're gonna live in purgatory forever andbe really, really unhappy. On
the other hand, I want toput some of the responsibility to the person
who has put the parson in thefriend zone. Boundaries boundaries, boundaries,
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do not lead them on. Don'tbe physically affectionate. They will read something
into that. Don't flirt with them, don't kiss them, don't hug them,
and you're gonna have to make itclear that the two of you are
just friends. And you're gonna haveto make it clear over and over because
not, like well I told themat the beginning, I don't know why
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they're so mad now, Yeah,because you didn't say it over and over
and over and maybe your actions didn'tmatch your words. Your actions have to
match your words. I remember onetime there was this guy and someone had
a married couple kind of fixed usup and we had something in common,
which is we were both doing charitywork at the time for a similar charity.
(25:00):
And he would pick me up andwe would drive to the place and
we would do our stuff, andsometimes we would have lunch afterwards, or
we would do some stuff, andanyway, this went on where we probably
saw each other I don't know tentimes. But he wasn't like flirting with
me, but yet it began asa fix up, right, So I
was really confused, and so oneday I just said to him we were
(25:21):
driving the car, and go,why aren't you coming on to me?
So I worded it because you know, he spent a lot of time heterosexual
woman had her sexual man you incars whatever, And he goes, I
don't know, I guess I'm notthat attracted to you. I'm so glad
he said that, he said,really a really honest way. I would
have cried, well, it didn'tfeel good, but I have my own
self esteem, right, So Iwas like, oh, all right,
(25:45):
well, maybe I should fixure it. I did. I fixed him up
with a girlfriend. I'm like,oh, are they together still? Do
they get married. No, itturns out I was saved from a lot.
It turns out he was very emotionallyavoidant. He was the kind of
guy who would never sleep over sexand go or sex and kick her out.
Is your friend still your friend afteryou hooked her up with that guy?
(26:06):
Yeah, she's just hung in therefor all that until she finally said
enough, right, I know,I know. So sometimes you could be
put in like I was put inthe friend zone. And there are plenty
of angry men in my past whodid not like being in my friend zone.
But you know what, they putthemselves there. That's what I feel
like. I'm honest. I literallywould talk to these guys about the guys
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I'm dating. You know I'm dating, so like they're a girlfriend to me,
and they wouldn't get that hint.That's what I want to say.
Hints don't count. Obviously I didthat wrong. Hints don't count. You
have to be very clear that you'renot into somebody. On the other hand,
evolutionary psychologists say that we all needbackup mates just in the back of
our mind. It's better for ourmental health because if you put all your
(26:52):
emotional eggs in one basket in onerelationship, then you could be at risk
if something happened, person broke upwith you or God forbid, they died
or something, then you've got tofind some start over. So we all
kind of have backup mates. Nothingwrong with that. But if you're in
the friend zone and you're unhappy,leave it because you're giving that person permission
(27:14):
to treat you that way. Ifthat's what's happening, all right, when
we come back, let us talkabout what the most common deal breakers are
in a relationship. And if you'resomebody who gets the X about something someone
does, does that mean the relationshipshould be over and you shouldn't be there
or what do you do about it? We'll talk about this when we come
(27:37):
back. You are listening to theDoctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six
forty. We're live everywhere on theiHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KFI AM sixforty. In KFI AM six you have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. Thisis the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd
like to will go welcome my TikTokviewers. Hi, guys, how are
you doing. Always let me knowwhere you're watching from. It's really fun
(28:00):
to see where a lot of youin California TikTok can be sometimes around the
world. All Right, I'm knownas America's relationship expert because I've written three
books on relationships, did a dissertationon attachment therapy attachment theory. I'll get
it out. I don't know.My coffee's not kicked in, Kayla or
something. And I've been writing aboutthe science of love for a few decades.
(28:22):
I'm not a therapist. I'm apsychology professor, but I'm obsessed with
love. And one of the thingsthis week I spoke on I do often
segments for nine Network Australia if anyOzzies are watching now, and they asked
me to talk about deal breakers,but in particular those small little things that
(28:44):
your partner does that just give youthe X and does that mean the relationship
is over? So I looked deepinto the research and you will not be
surprised by what the most common dealbreakers are. Do you want a guess
one? The biggest one Kayla,no money, no money, No,
(29:07):
it's kind of one of them.Yeah, the biggest one actually is poor
hygiene. Yeah, that's a goodone. That's a good one. We
do not like that. We donot like that. We like people to
be clean. You know, onetime I was traveling on a date with
a doctor. No less, youwould think a doctor would be very concerned
(29:29):
with germs and hygiene. And hesaid to me, it was late at
night, no way to go out. He said, hey, hope you
don't mind. I forgot my toothbrush, so I just used yours. What
yes, you did what I know? So the next morning I had to
wake up and I couldn't even brushmy own teeth. I was doing a
(29:51):
finger with the toothpaste until I ranout to buy a new one. No,
girls don't fly with that. No, yeah, that's not okay.
Did you know there's research to show, actually that guys have a much lower
tolerance or higher tolerance for disgust thefeeling of disgust women, because if you
think in our evolutionary past, wehad to keep a baby alive and safe
and away from germs. We hadto keep you know, sex is germy
(30:15):
and dirty, so they had tolike, we have to be clean.
Okay, we like clean houses.Yeah, all right, poor hygiene Number
one deal breaker in relationships next unemployment. You're right, Kayla called it no
money, no money. But youknow relationships are about survival, right,
and it's an exchange of care.We do know that care can take many
(30:38):
forms, right. It can beit can be financial care, it can
be sexual care, it can beemotional care, it can be domestic care,
domestic responsibilities. But taking on somebodywho has long term unemployment means that
they're going to be a burden toyou. So that's number two according to
(31:00):
Search of the deal Breakers. Numberthree especially for women. Anger management issues.
Now, I say especially for women, because if a woman is ever
hurt or god forbid, murdered,the biggest chance it's going to be somebody
she's in an intimate relationship with intimatepartner. Violence is real. However,
(31:26):
one time, in the very earlystages of dating my fiance, I was
driving the car with my daughter andI was on the phone with him,
and she was driving, and shehas a lead foot, and she was
driving very fast, and I stoppedto go stop right yelled at her,
because all moms yell at some pointin their life, even if they're the
sweetest mom in the world like Iam. We Yah so when I got
(31:49):
to see him later, he wasvery distant and stand offish, and it
was so strange. I'm like,what is going on? And he goes,
I just don't like female anger.I have a problem with it.
Turns out he had a yelly mom, so he's a sensitive boy. So
I now work hard to curb myyelling around him because I know it hurts
him just saying people don't like theanger management issues. And of course the
(32:10):
fourth one on our big list ofthe big most common deal breakers infidelity cheating.
If you find out that someone's beena cheater in the past, you're
gonna be like, ew w,it's a cheater, always a cheater,
is what people think, right.So the question is how can you figure
out what your limits are? Becausesome people have, you know, they
don't have a healthy model for lovein their head, and they don't know
(32:31):
what's normal and what feels right orwhat feels wrong. And some people just
have a feeling of ick. NowI don't mean ick like disgust, but
just like ugh that bugs me aboutthem. So I ask yourself, if
there is this issue, whatever itmay be, can you accept the behavior
(32:52):
like understanding that we're not there tochange anybody else. And maybe it's something
small, like how they roll thetoothpaste up, or which direction they unrolled
toilet paper, whatever, Some ofthose small things become big things down the
road. Not putting the toilett down, the toilet lid. I hate that
men have to put the toilet liddown. Gentlemen, listen, do you
know the fecal manner matter can flyfifteen feet? Think about where your toothbrush
(33:14):
is now, right, Put thelid down, not the seat, the
lid on top of the seat.Put it down. I was talking to
a woman recently. She told meher young adult son happened to be experiencing
incarceration right now. And she said, in that small cell that they're all
using the same toilet. That's hisbiggest concern is fecal matter flying around.
(33:34):
So they have a deal. Theyput a towel over it. Just when
I was about to become a lawabiding citizen. Now I understand I don't
have to. They got towels,You get data, criminals, clean and
diety. It'll be easy, allright. So ask yourself, can you
accept the behavior because you can't changethem? Also ask them, is it
fair to ask them to change thebehavior. And if both answers are no,
(33:59):
you can't accept and it's not fairto ask him to change. It's
just who they are. Then youneed to either leave or suffer. That's
up to you. I'm going toclose with an example. So, my
sweet Julio, my fiance, hasa weird little habit. He loves drawers.
He has dresser drawers and drawers inthe closet drawers or his thing drawers.
He loves drawers and so he nevercloses them all all the way they're
(34:22):
one is open, inch, anothertwo inches whatever. And I go by
and I look at that perfectly designedsome designer made that beautiful dresser, but
everything's askew. So I decided Icould nag him about it, or I
could create a workout for myself.And so now whenever I see the drawers
open, I go into a deepSumu squat. I use knees or ankles
(34:45):
or elbows. I pirouette and spinaround. And every time I close a
door, I say, I loveyou, Julio, I love you,
Julio, I love you, Julio. And he's in the other room laughing,
and I'm laughing too, because reallyour open drawers a reason too.
I don't mean it that way,not those kind of drawers. I mean
(35:05):
dresser drawers. Our open drawers areason to break up. I don't think
so. Does he have to change? No, it's my problem. I'm
the one that doesn't like it.So fix it, Wendy and make it
happy. That's what I do,and I think we can all do this
all right. When we come back, I'm going to go into my social
media looking at my dms, andI'm going to answer your relationship question.
Send me a DM. You arelistening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
(35:29):
KFI AM six forty. We arelive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've
been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh.You can always hear us live on KFI
AM six forty from seven to ninepm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you'relistening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand onthe iHeartRadio app kf I Am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Show. Welcome to my show whereI talk about all our relationships, our
love relationships, our family relationships.Later in the show, I have a
(00:21):
very special author on who wrote abook about adult bullies. You know any
of those in your life. Theycan be he says, they could be
anywhere at church, in the workplace, in your family. How to handle
adult bullies. Also, so manypeople tell me that they're not sure what
it feels like to have a secureattachment and what good love feels like.
(00:43):
So I want to talk about howsecure people think and behave in their relationships.
And if you are somebody who's maybebeen I'm sorry put in the friend
zone. I'm gonna give you someadvice. But first, producer, Kayla,
how are you you with me?I am wonderful, I'm with you.
How are you good? The break, We've been talking a lot about
Puff Daddy, Sean Puffy, colmbsP did D did D and Sean Love
(01:10):
cold Well brother Love. That didn'tstick, But that was another name he
tried to give himself yet. Okay, this is one person we're referring to
who has had many names men asan artist over the years. Okay,
if you don't know, he's arapper and record producer. Born in New
York, he worked at Uptown Records, and then he founded his own record
label, bad Boy Records, backin nineteen seventy three. His music career
(01:34):
in nineteen ninety ninety three, didI say seventy three? You did?
I'm just like back in a discosomewhere. That was a good time.
Quit it was good, The musicwas great. His music career includes eleven
number one songs, three Grammy Awards, all kinds of producer credits on hundreds
of songs. However, he's inthe news recently because last year, his
former girlfriend, Cassie Ventura, accusedhim of raping her in twenty eighteen and
(02:00):
accused him of years of abuse overthe course of their relationship. This is
in civil court, not criminal,because it's outside the statute of limitations.
Now, these two settled back inNovember. He claimed at the time.
None of it was true. Noneof it was true. It's just that
he's a wealthy, famous man andpeople are going to try to get money
(02:22):
from him. By the way,there are seven other civil lawsuits that are
pending that accused him of sexual misconductand other illegal activity. He continues to
deny all the claims from many ofthese civil suits. He has not responded
to the allegations. However, thenCNN let loose a video in the last
(02:44):
couple weeks of him done by ahotel he physically assaulted Cassie Ventura, his
ex girlfriend. Now, the DA'soffice said this incident was still outside the
statute of limitations, so they couldn'tprosecute. However, the video could become
evidence in on this ongoing federal investigation. Member a couple months back, they
(03:07):
and they searched his couple of hishouses. They put his young adult sons
and handcussed in like that part,but you know they were really hardcore.
He apparently paid that hotel back backin twenty sixteen about fifty thousand dollars not
to release the video footage. Sothe current management say, well, we
weren't management at the time. Noneof our business, right but I'm wondering,
(03:30):
is there a suit there? Like, That's what I'm thinking. I'm
thinking what happened because fifty's actually notthat much money for a tape like that.
I'm thinking could the two security guardswho were on their shift at that
time been the ones who said,Man, okay, if you give us
each twenty five, you can havethat tape. Yeah. And I'm also
wondering how did the tape get released? I know CNN released it, but
(03:50):
how did they get it? Ifhe bought it from the hotel, maybe
the investigators found it in that raid, ah and they released it to the
media. Can't sue them, That'swhat I'm thinking now. Last week he
posted an apology video You're rolling youreyes producer Kayle that was so upset,
(04:10):
like, just nobody wants to hearfrom you, nobody wants to see you.
Stop. You denied it all.Yeah, the thing that you what
a funny way of saying it earlier? You like he's at court going I
did nothing, Oh except maybe there'sthat one thing now remember right exactly?
But you denied it all now youOh you I forgot about that word.
I'm sorry, I go what botheredme about the apology video is he was
(04:31):
apologizing to his fans for not livingup to their idea of who they think
he is. He claims he wentto therapy, but there was no apology
to his victim, and people aresaying that's because he's not according to their
old lawsuit. Lawsuit, he's notallowed to say her name or acknowledge her,
or at least say her name.Say her name. He's allowed he
could say, in a vague way, victim. My heart goes out to
(04:56):
victims of domestic violence. Anything Ihave done hurt anybody, I'm so so
sorry. No is it any ofthat? And that tape was triggering for
me. For you, I'm asurvivor of domestic violence, it was triggering
for you. You had a stalkher once. Sorry, I just just
your business out there. I thinkit goes under the umbrella of domestic violence
(05:17):
as well. And it looks sodangerous you just google it online because it's
it's terrible, but don't look atit. And if you're going to be
triggered. But she could have died. I mean she was on the floor
in front of the elevator trying toescape. He dragged her down to the
floor and he was kicking her.He could have kicked her in the head
and killed her. It looked likea horror movie. It was. She
(05:38):
looked like a lifeless body as hewas dragging her back. So anyway,
all I'm saying is it's not over. I'm keeping this story alive while the
Feds are busy with their investigation,because apparently they can still use this video
in any future trials for other theirallegations supposedly of money laundering, illegal drugs,
(05:58):
sex crimes. They could come atand with a whole bunch of stuff
and this could be show up asevidence. Just saying, all right,
can we talk about our healthy relationships? Now? Yes, that's an unhealthy
relationship, very unhealthy. People oftenask me how to secure people act in
relationships and how can you tell ifsomebody's emotionally secure? And there are a
(06:20):
few ways. For one, it'sreally important that you understand that secure people
are not like what's the word cooland aloof and all together. What they
are is they know how to beinterdependent, which means when a secure person
(06:41):
has needs emotional needs or physical needs, they know how to reach out to
others for help and guidance and supportand they're not embarrassed or in shamed or
feeling weak for having to reach outfor guidance. Right. The other thing
is they can be a shoulder tolean on. They're not gonna make fun
of you for your feelings either.They're gonna be like coming bribe. Let's
(07:04):
talk about that. So interdependence isdifferent from independence. Interdependence means that you
can lean on each other's shoulders.The other thing that secure people are not
afraid of is the ability to sayno. They have good boundaries. You
(07:24):
know, some people feel like ifthey say no, they're gonna make the
other person feel bad. I've heardthat so many times, like, well,
if I'm so strong and I saythat, and you know, they're
gonna make the other person feel badand I don't want to hurt them.
Okay, I'm gonna say it.I'm probably gonna say it again. I've
said it before, I'm gonna continueto say it. In my life,
(07:46):
nobody can make somebody else feel acertain way. People can behave in abusive
ways, and you can choose tofeel like a victim and have a feeling
as a result of it, butthat's on you. You can walk away
from an abusive person too, andchoose not to feel like a victim.
(08:07):
So therefore, if you want tosay no and have a boundary, it's
not It doesn't matter what their experienceis. Now how you say no is
important. Right. If they say, hey, honey, we have not
gone out in a while. Canwe please go out to a fancy restaurant
That's gonna cost way more money thanwe can afford. Now, what do
you think? What have I madeof money? No, that's not what
(08:28):
you say. You say, Oh, that sounds so wonderful. I'd love
to do that, honey, butwe can't afford it. So the answer
is no. Is there another thingwe could do? Maybe make a picnic
together? Right? That's how asecure person owns their no. The other
thing that secure people do is theydon't get threatened by change. They understand
(08:50):
and adapt. So if you say, hey, you know, I've been
so bundled up with you lately,I'm gonna go out with my girlfriends a
little more because I feel like Ineed to get my social support back,
they're not gonna go what do youwho are going out with? I'm not
good enough? Right, They're ableto go, Oh, that's cool,
I should probably go out with mybuddies more too. That's fine. We're
good as long as we can comeback together, right. The other thing
(09:11):
is they have great empathy for whenothers are in pain, and they have
great empathy and want to help otherswhen they're struggling, but they do not
feel that the other person's struggle istheir responsibility. I want you to listen
closer to that. You can haveempathy, you can care, you can
do kind things for somebody, butfixing them, healing them, making their
(09:35):
life better is not your responsibility.It's their responsibility. And here's my favorite.
Secure people respond to criticism with curiosityinstead of defensiveness. They might say
things like, oh, am,I like that. That's interesting. I
(09:58):
think I'll work on that. That'show a secure person behaves in a relationship.
Am I like that? Heyla,Am I like that? Yeah,
Yeah, you're great. I'm abig mouth, and I now own it.
I used to be sensitive to itwhen people say I talk too much,
Well, you know, I gotsent out of the classroom and had
my desk in the hallway in elementaryschool for talking too much, and then
(10:20):
I was shushed a lot by menbefore in workplaces back when they didn't allow
women to have voices. And youknow, you get grown up and you
go, you know what, I'mgonna own it because your voice is a
big power, and now I makemoney with my voice. People throw rocks
at things that shine. They alwaysthrow rocks at your gifts because they want
to stifle them because they feel badabout themselves. And when you're young,
it feels painful. But now you'reold and you're like, no, no,
(10:41):
I'm a big mouth. I teachet cetera, et cetera. All
right, when we come back.We would love to think that love is
all about luck, but I alwayssay it's about skill. Well, there's
research to show that you can actuallydo a few things to create instant chemistry
in love. You single, Iwant you to listen, not when we
(11:01):
come back. You're listening to DoctorWendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six
forty. KFI Am six forty.You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Producer Kayla, have you ever had
love at first sight? No?Me either, not at all. It's
I like is engaged for a whileas I'm assessing and I like, I
(11:26):
like like you sapio sexuals, andyou can't tell that from like I'm a
sapio sexual. I like to belike a smart man. I need.
You can't sell that fart. Yeah, you know a lot of people believe
in love and first sight, butthere's research. In fact, a twenty
twenty twenty twenty two study showed thatlove at first sight is just a strong
initial attraction. Some people are morevisually wired and they look at someone and
(11:48):
they feel more attracted, so theycall that love at first sight. There's
another myth out there, and thisis this idea that love is all about
luck. I hear people say allthe time, if I could just meet
the right person, And there theyare going through swiping and swiping and swiping
on the dating apps, going outon one more boring date after another,
(12:11):
because now they're victims of paradox ofchoice. The more choice the human brain
has, the less likely it isto make a choice, and when it
does make a choice, it doesn'tvalue it that much. So they're actually
ways to create romantic chemistry. I'ma big believer that we all need to
(12:33):
have the game board revealed to us. We all need to learn how to
better navigate the landscape of love.So study done in twenty twenty two published
in Perspectives on Psychological Science, foundthat romantic chemistry can be broken down into
three things. Cognitive that means thinkingpatterns, effective ways in which emotions are
(12:54):
displayed, and behavioral actions. Solet's go through each of those things and
I'll tell you what I mean.Let's talk about emotional display first. We
know that falling in love at firstsight is really just a strong visual initial
attraction. However, if you showemotion and that emotion is reciprocated, So
(13:20):
if you laugh together, if youshow empathy towards each other when you share
stories, this will create feelings oflove better than this idea of trying to
be cool. I'm just cool.I'm a little bit distant and cool,
right, So if you take thetime to really enjoy somebody's chemistry. You
(13:45):
know, one time years ago,I was out on a date with a
guy and he had sadly just losthis wife, and he talked about her
for two hours straight. I gavehim a great deal of empathy, but
he never had a conversation with me. He didn't ask me a lot of
questions about my life. I triedto throw in little things. He didn't
(14:05):
pick up on them. There wasn'treciprocity because he was in his own sad
state and he had an empathetic personsitting beside him who was listening. But
it wasn't reciprocal. So the otherthing that elevates chemistry is responding to that
(14:26):
other person and responding to them ina big way, making them feel good
about who they are. Now,if we move from emotions into cognitive,
this is thinking. People fall inlove when they think alike. If you
share someone's beliefs, values, morals, their likes, their interests, their
dislikes. In fact, some peoplebond over their dislikes. I have seen
(14:46):
people in dating profiles put their politicalaffiliation out there because they want somebody who
thinks like them. If you havesimilarities, you will feel more in love
with the Now here's the cool thing. You don't have to actually have the
similarities. You just have to perceivethat you're similar together, and people do
(15:09):
that at the beginning of relationship.Oh my god, there's so much like
me. They love to snowboard too. Oh my god, he drinks red
wine. Oh I love it.Because he likes to go skating. Right,
whatever it is, you get soexcited because somebody shares an interest.
And the big behavior to create instantchemistry is so simple. It's honesty and
(15:33):
candor if you can have open andmeaningful conversations from the get go. I
know I've told this story before,but I'll tell you again. On my
very first quick coffee date with mynow fiance Julio, I said, instead
of us selling each other and basicallytrying to tell each other how datable we
are, why don't we tell astory about how undtable we are? And
(15:56):
he went, okay, you gofirst. I told him a couple of
things, and then he told mehis big story and we shared empathy with
each other. Right, we werehonest. The spark came because we were
two honest, open people. Thishelps people feel safe and secure and it
(16:18):
feels like being a real person.Right. I have in the past been
on dates with people who were socool they felt untouchable, they didn't feel
real. Right, being nervous andsaying you're nervous is more likely going to
get a feeling of love and humanitythan being cool or just being honest.
(16:44):
I mean not humor that's completely selfdeprecating all the time because that makes you
look insecure. But just being honestabout being a human being, this actually
creates feelings of love, And soI encourage you to fall in love in
an intentional way. Don't let lovejust grab you by the whatever and pull
(17:07):
you into some delusion. Say toyourself, Okay, I've read this profile.
The person on paper looks good.What can I do to create a
real emotional connection here? You know, I remember one time going on a
date with a guy. We didn'thit it off, although interesting enough,
I contacted him a couple of timesyears later for business stuff because he was
real. And you know what hesaid to me. He said, I
(17:29):
looked you up and I see thatyou're a relationship expert. I just want
to I'm just wondering if you're doingresearch here, because you know, we're
just a bunch of humans hanging ourheart out. And it was so sweet
the way he said it. Itwas so honest, and I said,
no, no, no, I'mnot doing research at all, although here
I am talking about the date here, so it was good research. But
(17:52):
anyway, because he was so realand genuine, I felt comfortable reaching out
to him in years later about somebusiness questions and such, even though romance
was not in the cards for us. Because we're human beings speaking of romance
that may not work out. Maybeyou're somebody who's been put in the friend
zone. Maybe you're somebody who putssomeone in the friend zone. Can we
talk about what that means, whyit's legitimate, and how each of you
(18:17):
should be handling yourself. Now,this is super important. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFIAM six forty we live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to DoctorWendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six
forty s AFIM six forty. Youhave Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.I want to welcome my Instagram audience.
(18:38):
Hey Instagram, if you're watching,why don't you show me where you're watching
from? Oh, I see already, from all over the country and all
over the state Orange County, Arizona. Just punch in a city or state.
Let me know you where you're watchingfrom. If you want to listen
to the full show, The DoctorWendy Wall Show you just download the iHeartRadio
app and search doctor Wendy Waller WESHin a couple segments, I'm going to
(19:02):
be going into my dms and lookingfor your relationship questions. Oh look,
Kansas and Bali. I want tobe in Bali. That's cool in West
Virginia. A lot of people listento our We're on an app now,
so we're everywhere, all right.I want to talk about the friend zone.
It has a negative connotation, butI think evolutionary psychologists would say it's
(19:27):
a very necessary part of our socialorganization. Might have had a different name
in times past. So first ofall, what is somebody who's been in
the friend zone. It tends tobe somebody who is regarded as a platonic
friend. However, they have aromantic interest in the person who's regarding them
(19:52):
as a platonic friend. Now,these kinds of relationships can happen in heterosexual
relationships, in se sex relationships.When we use the term friend zone and
say oh, I've been put inthe friend zone, it's commonly associated with
heterosexual males. Right, they hangout with these women. They try to
be the nice guy. They thinkif I just am nice to her,
(20:15):
She's going to fall in love withme. However, the situation can be
particularly painful. If you're the onewho's been put in the friend zone,
it can feel very confusing. Now, I do want to say that having
friends in the friend zone, peopleof all genders, is important for our
social support. We do not dowell in isolation. We all need a
(20:37):
social support network out there. Butif there's somebody out there that has unrequited
love and unrequited feelings, then itcan be very, very painful. I
did some research because I was tryingto figure out, like where the term
came from, Like, Kayla,how often does it seem like it just
cropped up? Or has it beenaround her zone? Yeah, it was
(20:59):
actually creative from an episode of Friends. They said it in one of their
earlier that Yeah, I'm a hugeFriends fan. Oh yeah, I watched
some Friends on the plane last week. Isn't it great? Yeah? Rachel's
hair. I used to have herhair. Yeah, did you get a
hair Oh I had the haircut.Oh wow. I was hosting extra at
the time and we all rushed together. She hated that haircut. She hated
it. Yes, that's what shewas a good actress and she was known
(21:21):
for her hair. It's like crazy, yes. So in nineteen ninety four,
there was an episode of Friends calledthe One with the Blackout and Joey
tells Ross that he's in the friendzone because he waited too long to make
his move on Rachel. However,that phrase didn't become mainstream until about two
(21:41):
decades later. You know, it'sreally important for our mental health to keep
a roster of backup mates around us. Oh oh oh, even if you're
married, even you're happy, evenif you're in a secure relationship and you're
not planning on leaving and nobody's planningon leaving, we have an evolutionary survival
tool that has our brain thinking,well, if something ever happened, right,
(22:04):
who would I be with? Sowe kind of keep backup mates,
and putting people in the friend zonemakes them a kind of backup mate.
Now here's the problem. People inthe friend zone are often very unhappy,
right, they're in love with hope. They think, if I'd just be
nice to this person, if Ido nice things for her or him,
(22:27):
they'll eventually turn around and like me. And the person who's put them in
the friend zone knows that they're notgoing to have a romantic relationship with them
unless something happened, unless they werecompletely desperate, unless everyone else was gone.
So it's like, unconsciously, oneknows they've got a backup mate,
(22:49):
and the other knows they got alittle bit of a chance. But it's
tiny, right, that's the problem. That's where the pain comes from.
So what you should do if youare trapped in the friend zone and you're
in pain about it? You don'tlike being By the way, when I
was a young single woman, Iused to have a roster of friend zone
guys. I used to call thembecause I guess friend zone wasn't used so
(23:11):
much. Then, I called themmy hovermen. They were men who were
hovering around, but I wasn't actuallydating them. But if I needed someone
to take the car to the shopwith me, or fix my dryer or
hook up my speaker or whatever,I could call them and they would come
up right away. They would comeover right away, and I just called
them my hovermen. But I guessthey were in the friend zone and they
(23:34):
were hopeful. So if you arein the friend zone, and if you
don't like the feeling, I'm goingto tell you that you should dump all
hope. You're a friend. You'reonly ever going to be a friend.
Nothing's going to change. Okay,so I know it's painful. Hey,
let's looking at me like that issome harsh advice. That was rough.
(23:55):
You gotta dump all hope. Ifyou're sitting there just picking up romantic breadcrumbs
and hoping she's gonna dump that otherperson or he's gonna dump that other girl,
you're gonna live in purgatory forever andbe really, really unhappy. On
the other hand, I want toput some of the responsibility to the person
who has put the parson in thefriend zone. Boundaries boundaries, boundaries,
(24:19):
do not lead them on. Don'tbe physically affectionate. They will read something
into that. Don't flirt with them, don't kiss them, don't hug them,
and you're gonna have to make itclear that the two of you are
just friends. And you're gonna haveto make it clear over and over because
not, like well I told themat the beginning, I don't know why
(24:40):
they're so mad now, Yeah,because you didn't say it over and over
and over and maybe your actions didn'tmatch your words. Your actions have to
match your words. I remember onetime there was this guy and someone had
a married couple kind of fixed usup and we had something in common,
which is we were both doing charitywork at the time for a similar charity.
(25:00):
And he would pick me up andwe would drive to the place and
we would do our stuff, andsometimes we would have lunch afterwards, or
we would do some stuff, andanyway, this went on where we probably
saw each other I don't know tentimes. But he wasn't like flirting with
me, but yet it began asa fix up, right, So I
was really confused, and so oneday I just said to him we were
(25:21):
driving the car, and go,why aren't you coming on to me?
So I worded it because you know, he spent a lot of time heterosexual
woman had her sexual man you incars whatever, And he goes, I
don't know, I guess I'm notthat attracted to you. I'm so glad
he said that, he said,really a really honest way. I would
have cried, well, it didn'tfeel good, but I have my own
self esteem, right, So Iwas like, oh, all right,
(25:45):
well, maybe I should fixure it. I did. I fixed him up
with a girlfriend. I'm like,oh, are they together still? Do
they get married. No, itturns out I was saved from a lot.
It turns out he was very emotionallyavoidant. He was the kind of
guy who would never sleep over sexand go or sex and kick her out.
Is your friend still your friend afteryou hooked her up with that guy?
(26:06):
Yeah, she's just hung in therefor all that until she finally said
enough, right, I know,I know. So sometimes you could be
put in like I was put inthe friend zone. And there are plenty
of angry men in my past whodid not like being in my friend zone.
But you know what, they putthemselves there. That's what I feel
like. I'm honest. I literallywould talk to these guys about the guys
(26:29):
I'm dating. You know I'm dating, so like they're a girlfriend to me,
and they wouldn't get that hint.That's what I want to say.
Hints don't count. Obviously I didthat wrong. Hints don't count. You
have to be very clear that you'renot into somebody. On the other hand,
evolutionary psychologists say that we all needbackup mates just in the back of
our mind. It's better for ourmental health because if you put all your
(26:52):
emotional eggs in one basket in onerelationship, then you could be at risk
if something happened, person broke upwith you or God forbid, they died
or something, then you've got tofind some start over. So we all
kind of have backup mates. Nothingwrong with that. But if you're in
the friend zone and you're unhappy,leave it because you're giving that person permission
(27:14):
to treat you that way. Ifthat's what's happening, all right, when
we come back, let us talkabout what the most common deal breakers are
in a relationship. And if you'resomebody who gets the X about something someone
does, does that mean the relationshipshould be over and you shouldn't be there
or what do you do about it? We'll talk about this when we come
(27:37):
back. You are listening to theDoctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six
forty. We're live everywhere on theiHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KFI AM sixforty. In KFI AM six you have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. Thisis the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd
like to will go welcome my TikTokviewers. Hi, guys, how are
you doing. Always let me knowwhere you're watching from. It's really fun
(28:00):
to see where a lot of youin California TikTok can be sometimes around the
world. All Right, I'm knownas America's relationship expert because I've written three
books on relationships, did a dissertationon attachment therapy attachment theory. I'll get
it out. I don't know.My coffee's not kicked in, Kayla or
something. And I've been writing aboutthe science of love for a few decades.
(28:22):
I'm not a therapist. I'm apsychology professor, but I'm obsessed with
love. And one of the thingsthis week I spoke on I do often
segments for nine Network Australia if anyOzzies are watching now, and they asked
me to talk about deal breakers,but in particular those small little things that
(28:44):
your partner does that just give youthe X and does that mean the relationship
is over? So I looked deepinto the research and you will not be
surprised by what the most common dealbreakers are. Do you want a guess
one? The biggest one Kayla,no money, no money, No,
(29:07):
it's kind of one of them.Yeah, the biggest one actually is poor
hygiene. Yeah, that's a goodone. That's a good one. We
do not like that. We donot like that. We like people to
be clean. You know, onetime I was traveling on a date with
a doctor. No less, youwould think a doctor would be very concerned
(29:29):
with germs and hygiene. And hesaid to me, it was late at
night, no way to go out. He said, hey, hope you
don't mind. I forgot my toothbrush, so I just used yours. What
yes, you did what I know? So the next morning I had to
wake up and I couldn't even brushmy own teeth. I was doing a
(29:51):
finger with the toothpaste until I ranout to buy a new one. No,
girls don't fly with that. No, yeah, that's not okay.
Did you know there's research to show, actually that guys have a much lower
tolerance or higher tolerance for disgust thefeeling of disgust women, because if you
think in our evolutionary past, wehad to keep a baby alive and safe
and away from germs. We hadto keep you know, sex is germy
(30:15):
and dirty, so they had tolike, we have to be clean.
Okay, we like clean houses.Yeah, all right, poor hygiene Number
one deal breaker in relationships next unemployment. You're right, Kayla called it no
money, no money. But youknow relationships are about survival, right,
and it's an exchange of care.We do know that care can take many
(30:38):
forms, right. It can beit can be financial care, it can
be sexual care, it can beemotional care, it can be domestic care,
domestic responsibilities. But taking on somebodywho has long term unemployment means that
they're going to be a burden toyou. So that's number two according to
(31:00):
Search of the deal Breakers. Numberthree especially for women. Anger management issues.
Now, I say especially for women, because if a woman is ever
hurt or god forbid, murdered,the biggest chance it's going to be somebody
she's in an intimate relationship with intimatepartner. Violence is real. However,
(31:26):
one time, in the very earlystages of dating my fiance, I was
driving the car with my daughter andI was on the phone with him,
and she was driving, and shehas a lead foot, and she was
driving very fast, and I stoppedto go stop right yelled at her,
because all moms yell at some pointin their life, even if they're the
sweetest mom in the world like Iam. We Yah so when I got
(31:49):
to see him later, he wasvery distant and stand offish, and it
was so strange. I'm like,what is going on? And he goes,
I just don't like female anger.I have a problem with it.
Turns out he had a yelly mom, so he's a sensitive boy. So
I now work hard to curb myyelling around him because I know it hurts
him just saying people don't like theanger management issues. And of course the
(32:10):
fourth one on our big list ofthe big most common deal breakers infidelity cheating.
If you find out that someone's beena cheater in the past, you're
gonna be like, ew w,it's a cheater, always a cheater,
is what people think, right.So the question is how can you figure
out what your limits are? Becausesome people have, you know, they
don't have a healthy model for lovein their head, and they don't know
(32:31):
what's normal and what feels right orwhat feels wrong. And some people just
have a feeling of ick. NowI don't mean ick like disgust, but
just like ugh that bugs me aboutthem. So I ask yourself, if
there is this issue, whatever itmay be, can you accept the behavior
(32:52):
like understanding that we're not there tochange anybody else. And maybe it's something
small, like how they roll thetoothpaste up, or which direction they unrolled
toilet paper, whatever, Some ofthose small things become big things down the
road. Not putting the toilett down, the toilet lid. I hate that
men have to put the toilet liddown. Gentlemen, listen, do you
know the fecal manner matter can flyfifteen feet? Think about where your toothbrush
(33:14):
is now, right, Put thelid down, not the seat, the
lid on top of the seat.Put it down. I was talking to
a woman recently. She told meher young adult son happened to be experiencing
incarceration right now. And she said, in that small cell that they're all
using the same toilet. That's hisbiggest concern is fecal matter flying around.
(33:34):
So they have a deal. Theyput a towel over it. Just when
I was about to become a lawabiding citizen. Now I understand I don't
have to. They got towels,You get data, criminals, clean and
diety. It'll be easy, allright. So ask yourself, can you
accept the behavior because you can't changethem? Also ask them, is it
fair to ask them to change thebehavior. And if both answers are no,
(33:59):
you can't accept and it's not fairto ask him to change. It's
just who they are. Then youneed to either leave or suffer. That's
up to you. I'm going toclose with an example. So, my
sweet Julio, my fiance, hasa weird little habit. He loves drawers.
He has dresser drawers and drawers inthe closet drawers or his thing drawers.
He loves drawers and so he nevercloses them all all the way they're
(34:22):
one is open, inch, anothertwo inches whatever. And I go by
and I look at that perfectly designedsome designer made that beautiful dresser, but
everything's askew. So I decided Icould nag him about it, or I
could create a workout for myself.And so now whenever I see the drawers
open, I go into a deepSumu squat. I use knees or ankles
(34:45):
or elbows. I pirouette and spinaround. And every time I close a
door, I say, I loveyou, Julio, I love you,
Julio, I love you, Julio. And he's in the other room laughing,
and I'm laughing too, because reallyour open drawers a reason too.
I don't mean it that way,not those kind of drawers. I mean
(35:05):
dresser drawers. Our open drawers areason to break up. I don't think
so. Does he have to change? No, it's my problem. I'm
the one that doesn't like it.So fix it, Wendy and make it
happy. That's what I do,and I think we can all do this
all right. When we come back, I'm going to go into my social
media looking at my dms, andI'm going to answer your relationship question.
Send me a DM. You arelistening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
(35:29):
KFI AM six forty. We arelive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've
been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh.You can always hear us live on KFI
AM six forty from seven to ninepm on Sunday and anytime on demand on
the iHeartRadio app
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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