Dr. Wendy is updating us on the Coldplay Kiss Cam Drama, why moods are contagious, and how your relationship problems can stem from the wrong "love-style cluster" and it's all on KFIAM-640!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You've
got doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show. And we have such a show today.
Oh my goodness, Producer, Kayla, are you with me? Did
you come back in the room.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
I'm here, Doctor Wendy of course.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Oh you hi, baby? How are you hi?
Speaker 3 (00:22):
My love?
Speaker 1 (00:22):
How are you okay? Like I called it all right?
We're going to get to it in a second. But
everything I predicted from last week has been happening today.
For those new to my show, I have a PhD
in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at California State University,
Channel Islands, and I'm obsessed with the science of love.
I've written three books on relationships. I'm working on my
(00:44):
fourth right now. It's very exciting and and oh my goodness,
so cold plays Chris Martin consciously uncouples. Remember they're the
ones that started it all all over the place. Also,
search has identified a new love style like attachment style
is not a lough love languages is not enough. There's
(01:05):
a new kind of love style. And I have a
bright young woman guest coming up on the show who
has ditched the dating apps to publicly post her own
dating application for men to you know, submit their application.
She posts it to the world and it's so adorable
you're gonna love to meet her. So, Kayla, here's what
(01:25):
I called it. Remember last week I was talking a
lot about the psychology behind a convicted sex trafficker, Gerlaine Maxwell,
having to testify in She talked to Attorney General Todd
blanche right, and they both had their own personal psychological
reasons to either tell the truth or lie. We don't
(01:45):
know what the truth is, so it doesn't matter. We
could just kind of look at what it could be.
But I said, you know what, even if let's say, okay,
so let's say she told the truth. We don't know
what her testimony is. It has been released, but her
lawyer came out and said, oh, she answered every question.
She never turned down anything to give full answers. Everything
was fine, more than one hundred questions. So let's assume
(02:07):
she told the truth. And if President Trump was listed
in the Epstein files, it was as an acquaintance or whatever.
Let's suppose she lied and if President Trump was in it,
he was listed as an acquaintance. Right, we don't know
what the truth is, but either way, she had one
motivation to do it, and that was to get herself
(02:29):
taken care of. She was in an awful place in Florida,
a very bad kind of maximum security awful place. So
if you don't know who she is, Garley Maxwell's the
British socialite who was serving a twenty year sentence for
trafficking underage girls for Jeffrey Epstein. This week, she has
been quietly transferred to a minimum security prison camp in Texas.
(02:52):
Camp attention to that word. It's much more comfortable than
a prison. Her transfer came from a federal facility in Tallahare, Florida,
to a federal prison camp, just one week after she
met with the Department of Justice Deputy Attorney General Todd
Blanche And so I don't know. You can make your
(03:14):
own assumptions, you can make your ansertion, like what if
think of it this way, what if President Trump was
listed in the file. We know he's somewhere listed in
the files because Elon let that cat out of the bag. Right,
But let's say Trump was listed in the files as
just you know, a party guy who just happened to
be around, but not a client. Right, But he'd be
embarrassed even of that, right. And then President Trump gives
(03:37):
her now a more comfortable bed, but maybe even reduces
her sentence or whatever. Then it looks like she's lying.
So I don't know. We don't know what the truth is.
We don't know what to believe. You guys can make
your own assumptions. I'm just telling you the facts. What happened.
She's in a better bed, now, more comfortable place, all right.
The drama continues with the cold Play kiss cam uh huh.
(04:00):
I like to say, the conscious uncoupler has uncoupled again,
and so has everyone else around him. I think Chris Martin.
I think he's British, isn't he, Kayla? Is Chris Martin
the head of hopefully he is?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Yeah? He was married remember to Gwyneth Paltrow for a
long time, Right, he is the world's most polite heartbreaker,
because remember, first he consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow. Then
he spent nearly a decade with actress Dakota Johnson. If
you don't know who that is, she's the daughter of
Melanie Griffin and Don Johnson. And I watch her. She
was in that movie The Materialist. She's been in lots
(04:35):
of things, wasn't she Fifty Shades of Gray? That thing too?
She looks exactly like both of them. I can literally
as her face is moving on. Oh, there's done. There's Melanie,
there's done, there's Melanie. It's interesting anyway. Chris Martin last
month quietly split from Dakota Johnson. So now there's two
conscious uncouplings. But it doesn't stop there. Remember we had
the Cold Blake concert Kiss Camp that sparked two more breakups.
(04:58):
And this week guess who's swooped in with a viral video,
Gwyneth Paltrow. Of course, all right, let's unpack this whole
ripple effect of everything that's going on. So when Gwyneth
Paltrow and Chris Martin introduced the term conscious uncoupling to us,
I think there was a therapist who wrote a book
called that, and so they made it famous. We were like,
what the heck is that? Apparently it's breaking up with grace,
(05:21):
breaking up with love, breaking up with still staying together
sort of one foot in the relationship, co parenting, respecting
each other. So just remind you they were married in
two thousand and three. They broke up in twenty sixteen.
That's thirteen years they were together. They got two kids, Apple.
Why do they celebrities name their kid Apple? Apple is
(05:42):
twenty one. I think that's a girl. Moses is nineteen.
So after they conscious uncoupled conscious uncoupled is that a verb?
They stayed super close. They were co parents, really active.
They always spoke warmly about each other in interviews. Now
I want you to be the perspective of the new girlfriend. Okay.
(06:02):
Gwyneth famously said in twenty twenty, I love him. He's
like my brother. He's my family. Huh. Now, just one
year after they broke up, Chris began a low key
relationship with Dakota Johnson, actress, and supposedly they got engaged
in twenty twenty, never set a wedding date, so they
(06:24):
stayed that way for nearly eight years. Well, he was
busy co parenting his teenagers with Gwyneth, So I think
Dakota might feel a little bit like the mistress, right,
just the mistress in all of this, isn't that bizarre
to me? It's so bizarre. So now they're uncoupled, and
(06:45):
then let's move over to why he's so famous. Right now,
at his Coldplay concert near Boston, when they shine the
camera on a CEO and his head of human resources,
they looked very embarrassed and jumped out of it and
the fallout. Two more breakups, right, So let's talk about
breakups here. First we have Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.
(07:07):
Then we have Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson. Then we
have Martin pointing to the couple on the kiss cam saying, oh,
looks like he's having an affair or else they're really shy.
And oops, there's two more marriages. Now. Andy Byron, the
CEO of Astronomer, is still married, but he's likely headed
for divorce. His wife changed from his last name to
(07:27):
hers on Facebook. His head of human resources she was
already separated from her husband. Do we have time to play?
So enter Gwyneth Paltrow. Can I call her the conscious
opportunist here? So the company he was CEO of is
a guy who doesn't know Gwyneth. He was just on
the kids camp. They were reeling from the drama. So
(07:49):
who did they bring in for their spokesperson to try
to do damage control? Gwyneth Paltrow. She did this cheeky
viral video that showed questions like WTF or what's happening?
And she used to just poke fun. Do we have
time to play a little bit of this? That's our time, Okay,
play a little bit of it. She's saying business, but
in front of the camera she's looking confused and almost embarrassed.
(08:11):
And in front of the camera of full screen graphics
are questions like what the hell's going on? Or did
they get fired? What's happening? Let's listen. Thank you for your.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
Interest in Astronomer. Hi, I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. I've been hired
on a very temporary basis to speak on behalf of
the three hundred plus employees at Astronomer. Astronomer has gotten
a lot of questions over the last few days and
they wanted me to answer the most common ones. Yes,
Astronomer is the best place to run apatche airflow, unifying
(08:44):
the experience of running data mL and AI pipelines at scale.
We've been thrilled so many people have a newfound interest
in data workflow automation. As for the other questions we received, yes,
there is still room available and are beyond analytics event
in September. We will now be returning to what we
(09:05):
do best, delivering game changing results.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
For our customers. Thank you for your interest in Astronomer.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
I don't know about you, but I still have no
idea what that company does. Does anybody know what she said?
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Nope?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
I yeah, no idea. But we were all laughing because
she was trying to be all business. So what's the
psychological spin here? Basically, breakups are highly contagious. I don't
know what's going on with Dakota and Chris, but they've
been together eight years and now she's thirty five. Maybe
she there, she is at the end of her fertility window.
Maybe he doesn't want any more kids because he's got
(09:40):
grown kids. We don't know. He's forty eight, he's got
well teenager young adults.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Now.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
I do think the idea of conscious uncoupling is the
very best thing for kids. I do, But the problem
is those extra adults that you bring into it. I
mean Dakota and going on Peltrow was also seeing somebody
else they were at all the holiday dinners together, and
then you let your boyfriend go on vacation with his
(10:08):
ex wife and the kid. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
That's all I'm saying. Hey, when we come back, can
we talk about how contagious moods are and what you
can do if your partner is always stuck in a
bad mood. I'm sorry for you if that's true, but
let's talk about it when we get back. You're listening
to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Forty AFI Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Can
we talk about moods feelings between couples. I have this
fabulous husband. His name is Julio, and when I met him,
(11:00):
the first thing I noticed was his beautiful smile.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
He texted me, by the way, about the last segment.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
What my husband texted you, Kayla?
Speaker 2 (11:08):
When he just texted me, what said he said?
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Should I be worried? What is he texting you?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
About Oh, he's texting me some business Wendy.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Right, Okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
He said, heads up. Federal prison guidelines dictate that you
are only eligible to serve your sentence if your term
is ten years or less. So Maxwell got some sort
of waiver of the rules. Plus ex offenders are most
likely to need special protection circumstances. Super interesting.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
So that means that in order to go to one
of the fancy camps she's at, she's supposed to be
serving less than ten years. Yeah, but she got a
twenty year sentence, So maybe this is paving the way
for him to reduce it. Why is Julio texting you?
Speaker 2 (11:49):
Julio knows I know all about this stuff. Okay, only
person you could talk to about this stuff.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Okay, honey, if you're listening to the show, we're not
together right now. I mean we're together, we're in a marriage,
but we're not in the same building right now. So
if you're listening to the show, honey, you know I
fell in love with your smile. Can we get to
the segment at hand? It was starting with an anecdote
about your smile. Stop texting, all right? And what I
learned about him from the very beginning of our relationship
is that he has mostly a positive bias. He's an optimist,
(12:19):
and over time, as I got to know him, I
wanted to spend more and more time with him because
whenever I was around him, I started to feel up too.
I started to feel better. I do want to add
when he's crumpy, I feel it too. Turns out, moods
are highly contagious, but if you are able to catch
(12:43):
your partner's good mood, it can be a super booster
for your health. How about the opposite, Let's talk about
emotional contagion and how we can all try to avoid
catching a case of the blues. Let's start with the
bad news. Sadly tells us that did you know this, Kala,
Negative emotion are more contagious than positive ones.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
I didn't know that.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Yeah, there's one large scale study published last year on
Nature dot com. They found that negative emotions spread more
persistently and widely, especially on social media platforms.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
Duh.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
Anybody on Twitter knows that. I've always said that angers
like a hot potato. It's so uncomfortable for the person
who's feeling angry that they want to just get it
out of their hands. It's too hot to handle, so
they quickly try to just toss that anger to someone else,
even if the person they lash out at is not
the real reason for their anger. To ever notice app
something's mad and you're like, look, this isn't about me.
(13:39):
You had something else go on today, don't take it
out on me, right, But that's what we do with
anger because we have like a natural negative bias. We
have evolved as human beings to be highly sensitive to danger,
highly sensitive to negative things or threats to us in
some way. For we're more likely to catch somebody's anger
(14:02):
because that, on some level could feel like a threat. Right,
So negative motions are more contagious on the positive side.
A recent study, you know, people get mad when psychologists
and doctors use psychobabbo and medical ease. And there is
a word that I'm about to say out loud that
(14:23):
has as many letters, I think as are in the alphabet.
This name of this publication is this psychoneuroendocrinology. There's a
lot of letters in there. That's all one word psycho
neeuro endocrinology. And I'm sure doctors just rattle off their tongue.
A recent study in psycho neeuro endocrinology showed that when
(14:44):
someone's partner is in a good mood, their own cortisol
hormone drops the levels of stress hormone cortisol, and this
was especially so in long term older couples. Now here's
what a drop in cortisol means. It means your body
is experiencing less stress, and when it does, you have
(15:05):
better immune function. You can fight off all the bugs
that are coming at you. You sleep better. I will say,
I sleep so much better when I'm with Julio than
when I'm not. You will have lower inflammation. Remember, inflammation
can lead to all kinds of diseases, and you will
have a healthier heart. Literally, your partner's positivity can boost
your physical health, all right, because that's how emotional contagion works.
(15:26):
So what happens if you live with a curmudgeon, a pessimist,
or somebody suffering from anxiety depression, Well, your inflammation can
go up. The grumpy one actually benefits, which is kind
of interesting. Longitudinal studies of couples show that the happier
partner often declines in well being and the less happy
partner gets a little happier. Okay, the happier one can
(15:51):
fall into depression. Studies of roommates and spouses show that
living with someone who is depressed increases your own risk
of experiencing depression. You look, I lived in a very
awful relationship for nine years and there was a lot
of emotional abuse, and yeah, I suffered from depression. I
had to get on an antidepressant just to get through
my day to day right. And also when this happens,
(16:13):
there are just more fights. The partners who struggle to
regulate their emotions become more impulsive, obviously more irritable. There's
more emotional volativity, so they're more prone to conflicts. So
here's what you can do. I got a few coping
strategies for you. You got to learn how to create emotional boundaries.
It's obviously best done with a licensed therapist. But I
(16:37):
want you to notice if you're living with a curmudgeon,
when you're mimicking or absorbing their mood, and that's about
learning to have insight into your own feelings. Just stop,
take a deep breath, ground yourself and your self. Talk
at this point should be I feel tense because I'm
(16:58):
reacting to them. This is not inside me. This is
just a reaction to them right, so you're actually telling
when you do talk to that cromungeon, don't point fingers
and don't be blamey. Communicate compassion. You might say, hey,
I noticed that our moods aren't really in sync. I
want us to both to feel better. So you're avoiding
blaming you always you never. We were talking about that
(17:20):
with Chris earlier. And encourage small positive rituals. They can
go a long way to increasing the bond relief release
of dopamine, et cetera. Whether it's just a morning coffee,
whether you're watching your favorite streaming series together and you're
touching toes. Just find some moments of positivity to balance,
(17:41):
especially if the guys. I say, guy could be any gender.
But the guys are grumpy sometimes, aren't they. You know,
there are lots of grumpy women out there, there are,
and they got to get their hormones checked.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Sorry, I just want to throw that out there.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
So if your partner's low mood, though, is chronic, and
it manifests in anger that could be dangerous or irritability,
or they shut down, you really need to go to
couples therapy. You really need to work on this, Okay,
because moods are completely contagious. It's almost like two couples
symbiotically have a little emotional relationship together and you're just
(18:16):
feeding off each other. So if if you want your
health to get better, they've got to get happier. You've
got to separate more emotionally, all right, and seek some
therapy if you need help setting those emotional boundaries. Hey,
when we come back on New Love Style, can you
believe it? And maybe if you're single, or maybe if
you're in a bad relationship, it's because you're in the
(18:39):
wrong love style cluster. Oh, those researchers, they come up
with something new every time. Let's learn about the new
love style clusters. When we come back, Shally, you're listening
to the Doctor Wendiewall Show on KFI AM six forty
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Six forty AFI Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy
Walls with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
You know, around the world there are researchers studying the
science of love. Often when people hear me say the
science of love. They look so confused, like they're thinking
we're putting people in petri dishes or something. You know,
(19:19):
science isn't just biological science. There's lots of social science.
They watch how people behave, when they put them in situations,
they interview them, they figure stuff out. One of the
most respected frameworks, and the one that I look through,
the lens that I look through when I think about
relationships is John Bowlby's attachment theory. And this dates back
(19:42):
to the nineteen thirties and forties when he was forming
his theory about how early childhood relationships become a blueprint
for adult romantic relationships. And as I've always said, love
is not about finding happiness. Sadly, love is not about
finding joy. Love is about finding the familiar. And we
(20:04):
will go back to the scene of the crime if
our childhood attachments were filled with loss or longing or
criticism or pain, et cetera, until we go to therapy
and change our attachment style. I know I did it
in my life. Took lots of years of therapy in
lots of ways, and I am in a secure attachment now.
But I spent most of my adult life having anxious
(20:27):
attachment styles. The other framework that a lot of people
ask me about is this love languages. Remember the book
The Love Language was written by I think a Christian pastor.
And while it's cute and quaint and fun and it's
a fun way like it's no different than your horoscope,
though there's not science behind it. So some new researchers
(20:50):
in Australia suggest that there's a new way, a new
framework of looking at love and they call it the
love style clusters, and they basically say it's a real
practical way of looking at it. They say that we
all fall into one of four love style clusters and
if you're having problems in your love life, it might
(21:11):
be that you're mismatched with somebody who's in a different
kind of cluster. Right. So this study was done at
Australian National University. They survey break down this language. When
I hear a survey, I always get a little red
flag going up because people lie on surveys. They want
to say something that's socially acceptable, and particularly when it
(21:35):
has to do with sexuality surveys. I mean, this is
about love and sect but you know, researchers know that
men tend to over report their sexual experience or desire,
and women tend to underreport their sexual experience desire because
of the sexual double standard, right, the one that gives
(21:56):
men points for sexual experience and gives women to merit
points for the same experience. I just want to remind
everybody that peers are having sex with peers at about
the same rates across the lifespan. Okay, So don't think
like there's this small group of the slutty women who
are just serving a randy population of men and all
(22:16):
the other women their number is very low. No, dude,
your numbers the same as their number, because who you're
having sex with each other, well, that could be happening
too anyway. So it's a survey done by Australian National
University of eight hundred young adults. Now I'm going to
focus here. Eight hundred is a pretty big number, but
not huge. It's not like eight thousand, it's not like
(22:39):
eighty thousand, Okay, so it's kind of small. And then
when they say young adults, it makes me go, okay,
heavy hormones here, heavy hormones. So we're talking about people
in their twenties, and so research on people in their
twenties might not apply to people who have research, sorry,
people who are in their forties, fifty, sixties, seventies. Now,
these eight hundred young adults that were surveyed came from
(22:59):
thirty three countries. So I don't think that they sent
a group of Australian interviewers to thirty three different countries.
That would be some expensive research. So now I'm hearing
that it was probably done behind a keyboard, right, But anyway,
So with all those disclaimers, let's see what the study says.
(23:21):
The study says that there are four different romantic clusters
that when they look at they're looking at someone's emotional frequency.
Emotional frequency, how often they're able to connect right, their
commitment bandwidth like how much they can make a commitment
or not, and how much romance and sex they actually
want in their life. So here are the four according
(23:44):
to the researchers love style clusters. Number one are called
the mild romantics. Oh, I would hate to be called
the mild romantic. They're the low key lovers and they
say that this group made up about twenty percent of
the sample. They tend to fall in love easily, but
they're loved are really short lived. They scored low on
(24:04):
everything intensity, obsession, commitment, even sexual frequency. Think of these
people as like warm, friendly, and a little attached. Now
John Bowlby would look at this and go, maybe they're
a little avoidant and they have this hope that this
one's going to be the one, and then they have
the same feeling they can't get connected. Who knows. Right.
Then there are the moderate romantics, or I like to
(24:27):
call them the just right lovers, remember Goldilocks, little too hot,
little too cold, just right. This was the largest group
in the survey, forty one percent, so almost half. They
tended to be emotionally steady, not too hot, not too cold.
They had average commitment levels, average sexual frequency. I know
you're like, what is average sexual frequency? Depends on the
(24:50):
lifespan and where you are. But in general, the research
that I've read on American couples and this encompasses all
and everyone's like, am I normal? Am I?
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Normal?
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Is? About five times a month? Is what's average once
people are settled down. I'm not talking about dating relationships
or when it's hot and heavy in the first year newlyweds,
none of that. Once it settles down, it's about once
a week, right, That's the most common. Now, there's no
such thing as normal. I'm just telling you average, right,
Average means some people are having way more sex and
(25:20):
some people having way less sex. And that doesn't indicate
that their relationship is less secure. All right, let's get
back to the just right lovers. The moderate romantics. They
had low obsessive thinking. They're not obsessing about their partner,
They're not worried about the security of the relationship. Now
I'm hearing John Bullby talk about secure attachment style perhaps,
(25:42):
And here's the most interesting part of this study. This
group almost half of the eight hundred young people interviewed
who had were moderate romantics were mostly men. Is that interesting?
Mostly men? Then I know where we're going on. The
next one, Number three are the intense romantics, the deep feelers.
(26:04):
Twenty nine percent of the participants fell into this category.
They feel everything in high definition, deep emotional intensity, high commitment,
lots of mental space taken up by love. Oh I
hear John Bowlby saying, isn't this an anxious attachment style?
A high relative sexual frequency, and most of these folks
were women. They also psychologically scored high in agreeableness. Of course,
(26:30):
they're nice people and conscientiousness, attention to detail. So these
are the young women that throw themselves at guys, fall
in love very quickly, have lots of sex to try
to keep them near, but mostly, maybe in my opinion,
have an underbelly of anxiety. And then there's category four,
the libidinus romantics, or as I like to call them,
(26:51):
the firecrackers. Okay, it was less than ten percent of
the group. These people are high frequency sex Calm down,
I cannot. I think the guys lied on this test.
They reported having sex ten to twenty times a week.
They fall hard and fast, they get obsessed with their partners.
(27:12):
They also reported more travel. Yeah, you got to travel
around if you're hoping to find that many partners. Higher
rates of cigarette smoking. Interesting. Interesting, Yeah, the addictive people
addicted to sex too maybe and nicotine. Uh not. High
on commitment surprise, surprise, what person, what woman is going
(27:32):
to commit to sex twenty times a week. I'm sure
you're out there, lady Jane. Congratulations. I'm very proud of you.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
But I don't know.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
All right, So, according to the researchers, if you have
a mismatch in your love style cluster, you're literally in
two different relationships. You're speaking two different languages and you
could be trying really really hard, but it's just not
going to work. You're not going to be a match,
which is one of the things I often say when
people will say, you know, I really really into my
person and listen they know. I just say they're a
(28:05):
good person. You're a good person, but you're a bad match.
And that's okay, right. I think it's important to understand
who your partner is. It's always a good idea to
talk about your feelings and what you want and what works,
et cetera. But I wouldn't take this stuff this eight
(28:27):
hundred young people who are interviewed behind a computer, thirty
three countries and say this is the way. There could
be lots of other things that are underneath that. All right,
when we come back, I am going to my social media.
If you do not follow me on TikTok or Instagram,
could you get over there please. The handle is at
(28:48):
doctor Wendy Walsh, just the dr at Dr Wendy Walsh.
This week, there were so many dms that came and
some really good questions that I had Kyla just print
them out for me because they're really good You're gonna
love these quot You're gonna see yourself in this. If
I'm not answering your exact question, so go in and
send me a DM. She's still going to be monitoring.
Just go onto Instagram search Dr Wendy Walsh, doctor Wendy Walsh,
(29:11):
send me a question. I will keep your identity a secret,
you will be anonymous, but let me weigh in on
your love lives. Just a reminder, I'm not a therapist.
I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books on relationships,
and I've had a lot of life experience, and let
me weigh in. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
(29:31):
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
Back to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This week,
I'm answering your relationship questions. As I mentioned, going to
my social media, we got a bunch of dms. Some
of them are from last week that we couldn't get
to them all. Some of them are new and this week,
if you would like to send me a relationship question. Remember,
(29:58):
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psycho professor. Bud have
written three books on relationships and I am so happy
to weigh in on your love life. Just send a
DM on Instagram to at doctor Wendy Walsh at d
R Wendy Walsh. All right, here we go, uh, Dear
doctor Wendy. I'm dating a great guy, good and we
get along really well. Good except, oh, something's coming. We
(30:21):
have completely opposite political and social views. It's starting to
impact our conversations. Can a relationship survive with that kind
of fundamental difference? Yes? If the important thing that you
have to understand is that it is absolutely okay to
(30:44):
disagree on certain things, especially if there's certain things that
really don't affect each of you, like you know, sex, money,
raising kids, all that stuff is. You know, you got
to come to a community decision. But if it's stuff
out there in the universe, like I'm going to vote
for that person and I don't like that social policy
and it really doesn't impact your cup of coffee the
(31:05):
next morning or your love life together, then you know
what it's sport. You can bicker in a sporting kind
of way. Now, I said, if for a reason, it
can work, if you have completely different political views, as
long as you still respect each other, if you still
love this great guy that you get along with really well,
(31:29):
then it's okay. It's okay for him to have differing
opinions in some way. You know, one time I knew
a woman and she was about to get married, and
she said, the only thing holding her back is that
she was a Christian and he wasn't, but he didn't
mind that she went to church, and he didn't mind
that she was a Christian. And I said, do you
(31:51):
need him to validate your beliefs or can you still
have your beliefs without having him agree with you? And
she thought it, and she's like, you're right. By the
way they got married, they're still married. So there you go.
You can have completely different political views, but the underbelly
still has to be respect and love, and when you
(32:12):
do bicker, it should be sport. Now. Again, sometimes these
political views, and you use the word social differences social
views may actually impact your lives in some way, then
that's a different conversation. But if it's just arguing about
who you vote for and what the country should be doing.
That should be fun sport. All right, moving along into
(32:35):
my dms if you want to send one on Instagram
at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Welsh.
Speaker 4 (32:40):
Hi.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Doctor Wendy says this listener, the guy I'm seeing is
amazing when we're together. Boy, that sounds like a qualifier
when we're together, But in between dates he barely texts
and takes forever to reply. I'm confused. Oh I love
it when people say that I'm confused. Should I assume
he's not that into me? Or is this just how
(33:02):
some people are?
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Look it.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
If you're in any kind of relationship and the primary
feeling that you have is not security but one of confusion,
then you are not in a safe relationship. You should
not feel confused in your relationship. You should know where
you stand. Now. You can try to get it at
him out of him. He's gonna lie, or he's gonna
(33:28):
like again. You're afraid to scare him off, so you
don't want to ask the what are we? You don't
want to ask him to text more? Why do we
have an international crisis of insecurity? And so many women.
I'm telling you all you gotta do is try one time.
I'll let you try one time.
Speaker 4 (33:46):
Hey.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
By the way, in between the dates, we barely talk
and it doesn't feel like this relationship's growing or really
meeting my emotional needs. Should we try to connect more
between dates? If he says yes, he tries it and fails,
get out of there. If your primary feeling is confusion,
people out there, that is not love. You know what
a healthy relationship feels like. It doesn't feel exciting, doesn't
(34:08):
feel like this high, this roller coaster high. It feels peaceful,
and it feels safe, and I want you to feel
that way. Moving along. Dear doctor Wendy, I met someone
on a dating app and we've been talking every day
for three months. But every time I, oh, I know
where we're going here? Every time I asked a video
(34:29):
chat or meet in person, he makes excuses. Could I
be getting catfished in a word? Yes, If a man
wants to be with you, first of all, you should
be demanding. I don't even care if it's long distance.
You should be demanding to be meeting face to face
in the real world. Forget about technology, it's fake. It's
all fake. He could be a robot. He could be
(34:51):
scamming you. He could be lying about who he is.
He could be after your money. He could be just
satisfying himself with the emotional connection and not wanting to
get closer. He could be a sheet. I don't know,
but this is not the human you're imagining it is.
I'll just tell you that. And if it's been three
whole months and this person has not gotten together with
(35:11):
you in the real world or done a real video
chat or GOTNA but they can't even do fake video chats,
did you know that they can use AI? I know.
That's why it's got to be in the real world.
You got to smell the person, touch the person. I'm
so sorry to tell you this, but yeah, you're being catfished.
Please just block them, cut them off whatever. I know,
(35:32):
it feels emotionally satisfying to have what feels like a
human that you are attracted to checking in with you
once a day or twice a day. But that's not real.
That's not what you need. Okay. I'm sorry. Sorry you're
going through this, but you should know you're not alone.
This happens to so many people, all Right, we have
(35:53):
time for a couple more. Here we go, Dear doctor Wendy,
I have been on five great dates with someone and
I really like them, and I want to bring up
the topic of being exclusive, but I don't want to
scare them off. When is the right time to have
that talk. You have that talk right before you have sex.
That's the talk. You ask for exclusivity before sex. So
when you reach a stage where the relationship is getting physical,
I mean, you don't ask for exclusivity if you're kissing,
(36:15):
if you're hugging, whatever, But if it's going to the bedroom,
and I hope you're not in the bedroom yet. Please,
I hope you're not in the bedroom yet. Here's what
you say. Hey, I'm really enjoying getting to know you,
and I don't know where the future lies for the
two of us, but if we're going to share our biology,
(36:36):
I'd like to know that I'm the only one you're
sleeping with. That's all you say. You're not asking, well,
you beat my bunny friend? Can I post it on Facebook?
Nothing like that. You're just saying, Hey, i'd like to
know that if I'm sleeping with you, that you're not
sleeping with anybody else, And if they can't promise you
and I know what I'm gonna say, but they lie
because I've said this online, But they lie. You know what,
(36:58):
if you don't try trust somebody, you should not be
having sex with them. And sometimes it can take a
very long time to learn to trust somebody. Right, all right,
when we come back, I'm going to continue to answer
your social media questions. Go onto Instagram search Doctor Wendy Walsh,
send me a DM and I'll be happy to weigh
(37:20):
in on your love life. You're listening to the Dr
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI
AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You've
got doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show. And we have such a show today.
Oh my goodness, Producer, Kayla, are you with me? Did
you come back in the room.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
I'm here, Doctor Wendy of course.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Oh you hi, baby? How are you hi?
Speaker 3 (00:22):
My love?
Speaker 1 (00:22):
How are you okay? Like I called it all right?
We're going to get to it in a second. But
everything I predicted from last week has been happening today.
For those new to my show, I have a PhD
in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at California State University,
Channel Islands, and I'm obsessed with the science of love.
I've written three books on relationships. I'm working on my
(00:44):
fourth right now. It's very exciting and and oh my goodness,
so cold plays Chris Martin consciously uncouples. Remember they're the
ones that started it all all over the place. Also,
search has identified a new love style like attachment style
is not a lough love languages is not enough. There's
(01:05):
a new kind of love style. And I have a
bright young woman guest coming up on the show who
has ditched the dating apps to publicly post her own
dating application for men to you know, submit their application.
She posts it to the world and it's so adorable
you're gonna love to meet her. So, Kayla, here's what
(01:25):
I called it. Remember last week I was talking a
lot about the psychology behind a convicted sex trafficker, Gerlaine Maxwell,
having to testify in She talked to Attorney General Todd
blanche right, and they both had their own personal psychological
reasons to either tell the truth or lie. We don't
(01:45):
know what the truth is, so it doesn't matter. We
could just kind of look at what it could be.
But I said, you know what, even if let's say, okay,
so let's say she told the truth. We don't know
what her testimony is. It has been released, but her
lawyer came out and said, oh, she answered every question.
She never turned down anything to give full answers. Everything
was fine, more than one hundred questions. So let's assume
(02:07):
she told the truth. And if President Trump was listed
in the Epstein files, it was as an acquaintance or whatever.
Let's suppose she lied and if President Trump was in it,
he was listed as an acquaintance. Right, we don't know
what the truth is, but either way, she had one
motivation to do it, and that was to get herself
(02:29):
taken care of. She was in an awful place in Florida,
a very bad kind of maximum security awful place. So
if you don't know who she is, Garley Maxwell's the
British socialite who was serving a twenty year sentence for
trafficking underage girls for Jeffrey Epstein. This week, she has
been quietly transferred to a minimum security prison camp in Texas.
(02:52):
Camp attention to that word. It's much more comfortable than
a prison. Her transfer came from a federal facility in Tallahare, Florida,
to a federal prison camp, just one week after she
met with the Department of Justice Deputy Attorney General Todd
Blanche And so I don't know. You can make your
(03:14):
own assumptions, you can make your ansertion, like what if
think of it this way, what if President Trump was
listed in the file. We know he's somewhere listed in
the files because Elon let that cat out of the bag. Right,
But let's say Trump was listed in the files as
just you know, a party guy who just happened to
be around, but not a client. Right, But he'd be
embarrassed even of that, right. And then President Trump gives
(03:37):
her now a more comfortable bed, but maybe even reduces
her sentence or whatever. Then it looks like she's lying.
So I don't know. We don't know what the truth is.
We don't know what to believe. You guys can make
your own assumptions. I'm just telling you the facts. What happened.
She's in a better bed, now, more comfortable place, all right.
The drama continues with the cold Play kiss cam uh huh.
(04:00):
I like to say, the conscious uncoupler has uncoupled again,
and so has everyone else around him. I think Chris Martin.
I think he's British, isn't he, Kayla? Is Chris Martin
the head of hopefully he is?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Yeah? He was married remember to Gwyneth Paltrow for a
long time, Right, he is the world's most polite heartbreaker,
because remember, first he consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow. Then
he spent nearly a decade with actress Dakota Johnson. If
you don't know who that is, she's the daughter of
Melanie Griffin and Don Johnson. And I watch her. She
was in that movie The Materialist. She's been in lots
(04:35):
of things, wasn't she Fifty Shades of Gray? That thing too?
She looks exactly like both of them. I can literally
as her face is moving on. Oh, there's done. There's Melanie,
there's done, there's Melanie. It's interesting anyway. Chris Martin last
month quietly split from Dakota Johnson. So now there's two
conscious uncouplings. But it doesn't stop there. Remember we had
the Cold Blake concert Kiss Camp that sparked two more breakups.
(04:58):
And this week guess who's swooped in with a viral video,
Gwyneth Paltrow. Of course, all right, let's unpack this whole
ripple effect of everything that's going on. So when Gwyneth
Paltrow and Chris Martin introduced the term conscious uncoupling to us,
I think there was a therapist who wrote a book
called that, and so they made it famous. We were like,
what the heck is that? Apparently it's breaking up with grace,
(05:21):
breaking up with love, breaking up with still staying together
sort of one foot in the relationship, co parenting, respecting
each other. So just remind you they were married in
two thousand and three. They broke up in twenty sixteen.
That's thirteen years they were together. They got two kids, Apple.
Why do they celebrities name their kid Apple? Apple is
(05:42):
twenty one. I think that's a girl. Moses is nineteen.
So after they conscious uncoupled conscious uncoupled is that a verb?
They stayed super close. They were co parents, really active.
They always spoke warmly about each other in interviews. Now
I want you to be the perspective of the new girlfriend. Okay.
(06:02):
Gwyneth famously said in twenty twenty, I love him. He's
like my brother. He's my family. Huh. Now, just one
year after they broke up, Chris began a low key
relationship with Dakota Johnson, actress, and supposedly they got engaged
in twenty twenty, never set a wedding date, so they
(06:24):
stayed that way for nearly eight years. Well, he was
busy co parenting his teenagers with Gwyneth, So I think
Dakota might feel a little bit like the mistress, right,
just the mistress in all of this, isn't that bizarre
to me? It's so bizarre. So now they're uncoupled, and
(06:45):
then let's move over to why he's so famous. Right now,
at his Coldplay concert near Boston, when they shine the
camera on a CEO and his head of human resources,
they looked very embarrassed and jumped out of it and
the fallout. Two more breakups, right, So let's talk about
breakups here. First we have Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.
(07:07):
Then we have Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson. Then we
have Martin pointing to the couple on the kiss cam saying, oh,
looks like he's having an affair or else they're really shy.
And oops, there's two more marriages. Now. Andy Byron, the
CEO of Astronomer, is still married, but he's likely headed
for divorce. His wife changed from his last name to
(07:27):
hers on Facebook. His head of human resources she was
already separated from her husband. Do we have time to play?
So enter Gwyneth Paltrow. Can I call her the conscious
opportunist here? So the company he was CEO of is
a guy who doesn't know Gwyneth. He was just on
the kids camp. They were reeling from the drama. So
(07:49):
who did they bring in for their spokesperson to try
to do damage control? Gwyneth Paltrow. She did this cheeky
viral video that showed questions like WTF or what's happening?
And she used to just poke fun. Do we have
time to play a little bit of this? That's our time, Okay,
play a little bit of it. She's saying business, but
in front of the camera she's looking confused and almost embarrassed.
(08:11):
And in front of the camera of full screen graphics
are questions like what the hell's going on? Or did
they get fired? What's happening? Let's listen. Thank you for your.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
Interest in Astronomer. Hi, I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. I've been hired
on a very temporary basis to speak on behalf of
the three hundred plus employees at Astronomer. Astronomer has gotten
a lot of questions over the last few days and
they wanted me to answer the most common ones. Yes,
Astronomer is the best place to run apatche airflow, unifying
(08:44):
the experience of running data mL and AI pipelines at scale.
We've been thrilled so many people have a newfound interest
in data workflow automation. As for the other questions we received, yes,
there is still room available and are beyond analytics event
in September. We will now be returning to what we
(09:05):
do best, delivering game changing results.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
For our customers. Thank you for your interest in Astronomer.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
I don't know about you, but I still have no
idea what that company does. Does anybody know what she said?
Speaker 3 (09:19):
Nope?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
I yeah, no idea. But we were all laughing because
she was trying to be all business. So what's the
psychological spin here? Basically, breakups are highly contagious. I don't
know what's going on with Dakota and Chris, but they've
been together eight years and now she's thirty five. Maybe
she there, she is at the end of her fertility window.
Maybe he doesn't want any more kids because he's got
(09:40):
grown kids. We don't know. He's forty eight, he's got
well teenager young adults.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Now.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
I do think the idea of conscious uncoupling is the
very best thing for kids. I do, But the problem
is those extra adults that you bring into it. I
mean Dakota and going on Peltrow was also seeing somebody
else they were at all the holiday dinners together, and
then you let your boyfriend go on vacation with his
(10:08):
ex wife and the kid. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
That's all I'm saying. Hey, when we come back, can
we talk about how contagious moods are and what you
can do if your partner is always stuck in a
bad mood. I'm sorry for you if that's true, but
let's talk about it when we get back. You're listening
to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six
forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Forty AFI Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Can
we talk about moods feelings between couples. I have this
fabulous husband. His name is Julio, and when I met him,
(11:00):
the first thing I noticed was his beautiful smile.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
He texted me, by the way, about the last segment.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
What my husband texted you, Kayla?
Speaker 2 (11:08):
When he just texted me, what said he said?
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Should I be worried? What is he texting you?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
About Oh, he's texting me some business Wendy.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Right, Okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
He said, heads up. Federal prison guidelines dictate that you
are only eligible to serve your sentence if your term
is ten years or less. So Maxwell got some sort
of waiver of the rules. Plus ex offenders are most
likely to need special protection circumstances. Super interesting.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
So that means that in order to go to one
of the fancy camps she's at, she's supposed to be
serving less than ten years. Yeah, but she got a
twenty year sentence, So maybe this is paving the way
for him to reduce it. Why is Julio texting you?
Speaker 2 (11:49):
Julio knows I know all about this stuff. Okay, only
person you could talk to about this stuff.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Okay, honey, if you're listening to the show, we're not
together right now. I mean we're together, we're in a marriage,
but we're not in the same building right now. So
if you're listening to the show, honey, you know I
fell in love with your smile. Can we get to
the segment at hand? It was starting with an anecdote
about your smile. Stop texting, all right? And what I
learned about him from the very beginning of our relationship
is that he has mostly a positive bias. He's an optimist,
(12:19):
and over time, as I got to know him, I
wanted to spend more and more time with him because
whenever I was around him, I started to feel up too.
I started to feel better. I do want to add
when he's crumpy, I feel it too. Turns out, moods
are highly contagious, but if you are able to catch
(12:43):
your partner's good mood, it can be a super booster
for your health. How about the opposite, Let's talk about
emotional contagion and how we can all try to avoid
catching a case of the blues. Let's start with the
bad news. Sadly tells us that did you know this, Kala,
Negative emotion are more contagious than positive ones.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
I didn't know that.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Yeah, there's one large scale study published last year on
Nature dot com. They found that negative emotions spread more
persistently and widely, especially on social media platforms.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
Duh.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
Anybody on Twitter knows that. I've always said that angers
like a hot potato. It's so uncomfortable for the person
who's feeling angry that they want to just get it
out of their hands. It's too hot to handle, so
they quickly try to just toss that anger to someone else,
even if the person they lash out at is not
the real reason for their anger. To ever notice app
something's mad and you're like, look, this isn't about me.
(13:39):
You had something else go on today, don't take it
out on me, right, But that's what we do with
anger because we have like a natural negative bias. We
have evolved as human beings to be highly sensitive to danger,
highly sensitive to negative things or threats to us in
some way. For we're more likely to catch somebody's anger
(14:02):
because that, on some level could feel like a threat. Right,
So negative motions are more contagious on the positive side.
A recent study, you know, people get mad when psychologists
and doctors use psychobabbo and medical ease. And there is
a word that I'm about to say out loud that
(14:23):
has as many letters, I think as are in the alphabet.
This name of this publication is this psychoneuroendocrinology. There's a
lot of letters in there. That's all one word psycho
neeuro endocrinology. And I'm sure doctors just rattle off their tongue.
A recent study in psycho neeuro endocrinology showed that when
(14:44):
someone's partner is in a good mood, their own cortisol
hormone drops the levels of stress hormone cortisol, and this
was especially so in long term older couples. Now here's
what a drop in cortisol means. It means your body
is experiencing less stress, and when it does, you have
(15:05):
better immune function. You can fight off all the bugs
that are coming at you. You sleep better. I will say,
I sleep so much better when I'm with Julio than
when I'm not. You will have lower inflammation. Remember, inflammation
can lead to all kinds of diseases, and you will
have a healthier heart. Literally, your partner's positivity can boost
your physical health, all right, because that's how emotional contagion works.
(15:26):
So what happens if you live with a curmudgeon, a pessimist,
or somebody suffering from anxiety depression, Well, your inflammation can
go up. The grumpy one actually benefits, which is kind
of interesting. Longitudinal studies of couples show that the happier
partner often declines in well being and the less happy
partner gets a little happier. Okay, the happier one can
(15:51):
fall into depression. Studies of roommates and spouses show that
living with someone who is depressed increases your own risk
of experiencing depression. You look, I lived in a very
awful relationship for nine years and there was a lot
of emotional abuse, and yeah, I suffered from depression. I
had to get on an antidepressant just to get through
my day to day right. And also when this happens,
(16:13):
there are just more fights. The partners who struggle to
regulate their emotions become more impulsive, obviously more irritable. There's
more emotional volativity, so they're more prone to conflicts. So
here's what you can do. I got a few coping
strategies for you. You got to learn how to create emotional boundaries.
It's obviously best done with a licensed therapist. But I
(16:37):
want you to notice if you're living with a curmudgeon,
when you're mimicking or absorbing their mood, and that's about
learning to have insight into your own feelings. Just stop,
take a deep breath, ground yourself and your self. Talk
at this point should be I feel tense because I'm
(16:58):
reacting to them. This is not inside me. This is
just a reaction to them right, so you're actually telling
when you do talk to that cromungeon, don't point fingers
and don't be blamey. Communicate compassion. You might say, hey,
I noticed that our moods aren't really in sync. I
want us to both to feel better. So you're avoiding
blaming you always you never. We were talking about that
(17:20):
with Chris earlier. And encourage small positive rituals. They can
go a long way to increasing the bond relief release
of dopamine, et cetera. Whether it's just a morning coffee,
whether you're watching your favorite streaming series together and you're
touching toes. Just find some moments of positivity to balance,
(17:41):
especially if the guys. I say, guy could be any gender.
But the guys are grumpy sometimes, aren't they. You know,
there are lots of grumpy women out there, there are,
and they got to get their hormones checked.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Sorry, I just want to throw that out there.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
So if your partner's low mood, though, is chronic, and
it manifests in anger that could be dangerous or irritability,
or they shut down, you really need to go to
couples therapy. You really need to work on this, Okay,
because moods are completely contagious. It's almost like two couples
symbiotically have a little emotional relationship together and you're just
(18:16):
feeding off each other. So if if you want your
health to get better, they've got to get happier. You've
got to separate more emotionally, all right, and seek some
therapy if you need help setting those emotional boundaries. Hey,
when we come back on New Love Style, can you
believe it? And maybe if you're single, or maybe if
you're in a bad relationship, it's because you're in the
(18:39):
wrong love style cluster. Oh, those researchers, they come up
with something new every time. Let's learn about the new
love style clusters. When we come back, Shally, you're listening
to the Doctor Wendiewall Show on KFI AM six forty
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Six forty AFI Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy
Walls with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
You know, around the world there are researchers studying the
science of love. Often when people hear me say the
science of love. They look so confused, like they're thinking
we're putting people in petri dishes or something. You know,
(19:19):
science isn't just biological science. There's lots of social science.
They watch how people behave, when they put them in situations,
they interview them, they figure stuff out. One of the
most respected frameworks, and the one that I look through,
the lens that I look through when I think about
relationships is John Bowlby's attachment theory. And this dates back
(19:42):
to the nineteen thirties and forties when he was forming
his theory about how early childhood relationships become a blueprint
for adult romantic relationships. And as I've always said, love
is not about finding happiness. Sadly, love is not about
finding joy. Love is about finding the familiar. And we
(20:04):
will go back to the scene of the crime if
our childhood attachments were filled with loss or longing or
criticism or pain, et cetera, until we go to therapy
and change our attachment style. I know I did it
in my life. Took lots of years of therapy in
lots of ways, and I am in a secure attachment now.
But I spent most of my adult life having anxious
(20:27):
attachment styles. The other framework that a lot of people
ask me about is this love languages. Remember the book
The Love Language was written by I think a Christian pastor.
And while it's cute and quaint and fun and it's
a fun way like it's no different than your horoscope,
though there's not science behind it. So some new researchers
(20:50):
in Australia suggest that there's a new way, a new
framework of looking at love and they call it the
love style clusters, and they basically say it's a real
practical way of looking at it. They say that we
all fall into one of four love style clusters and
if you're having problems in your love life, it might
(21:11):
be that you're mismatched with somebody who's in a different
kind of cluster. Right. So this study was done at
Australian National University. They survey break down this language. When
I hear a survey, I always get a little red
flag going up because people lie on surveys. They want
to say something that's socially acceptable, and particularly when it
(21:35):
has to do with sexuality surveys. I mean, this is
about love and sect but you know, researchers know that
men tend to over report their sexual experience or desire,
and women tend to underreport their sexual experience desire because
of the sexual double standard, right, the one that gives
(21:56):
men points for sexual experience and gives women to merit
points for the same experience. I just want to remind
everybody that peers are having sex with peers at about
the same rates across the lifespan. Okay, So don't think
like there's this small group of the slutty women who
are just serving a randy population of men and all
(22:16):
the other women their number is very low. No, dude,
your numbers the same as their number, because who you're
having sex with each other, well, that could be happening
too anyway. So it's a survey done by Australian National
University of eight hundred young adults. Now I'm going to
focus here. Eight hundred is a pretty big number, but
not huge. It's not like eight thousand, it's not like
(22:39):
eighty thousand, Okay, so it's kind of small. And then
when they say young adults, it makes me go, okay,
heavy hormones here, heavy hormones. So we're talking about people
in their twenties, and so research on people in their
twenties might not apply to people who have research, sorry,
people who are in their forties, fifty, sixties, seventies. Now,
these eight hundred young adults that were surveyed came from
(22:59):
thirty three countries. So I don't think that they sent
a group of Australian interviewers to thirty three different countries.
That would be some expensive research. So now I'm hearing
that it was probably done behind a keyboard, right, But anyway,
So with all those disclaimers, let's see what the study says.
(23:21):
The study says that there are four different romantic clusters
that when they look at they're looking at someone's emotional frequency.
Emotional frequency, how often they're able to connect right, their
commitment bandwidth like how much they can make a commitment
or not, and how much romance and sex they actually
want in their life. So here are the four according
(23:44):
to the researchers love style clusters. Number one are called
the mild romantics. Oh, I would hate to be called
the mild romantic. They're the low key lovers and they
say that this group made up about twenty percent of
the sample. They tend to fall in love easily, but
they're loved are really short lived. They scored low on
(24:04):
everything intensity, obsession, commitment, even sexual frequency. Think of these
people as like warm, friendly, and a little attached. Now
John Bowlby would look at this and go, maybe they're
a little avoidant and they have this hope that this
one's going to be the one, and then they have
the same feeling they can't get connected. Who knows. Right.
Then there are the moderate romantics, or I like to
(24:27):
call them the just right lovers, remember Goldilocks, little too hot,
little too cold, just right. This was the largest group
in the survey, forty one percent, so almost half. They
tended to be emotionally steady, not too hot, not too cold.
They had average commitment levels, average sexual frequency. I know
you're like, what is average sexual frequency? Depends on the
(24:50):
lifespan and where you are. But in general, the research
that I've read on American couples and this encompasses all
and everyone's like, am I normal? Am I?
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Normal?
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Is? About five times a month? Is what's average once
people are settled down. I'm not talking about dating relationships
or when it's hot and heavy in the first year newlyweds,
none of that. Once it settles down, it's about once
a week, right, That's the most common. Now, there's no
such thing as normal. I'm just telling you average, right,
Average means some people are having way more sex and
(25:20):
some people having way less sex. And that doesn't indicate
that their relationship is less secure. All right, let's get
back to the just right lovers. The moderate romantics. They
had low obsessive thinking. They're not obsessing about their partner,
They're not worried about the security of the relationship. Now
I'm hearing John Bullby talk about secure attachment style perhaps,
(25:42):
And here's the most interesting part of this study. This
group almost half of the eight hundred young people interviewed
who had were moderate romantics were mostly men. Is that interesting?
Mostly men? Then I know where we're going on. The
next one, Number three are the intense romantics, the deep feelers.
(26:04):
Twenty nine percent of the participants fell into this category.
They feel everything in high definition, deep emotional intensity, high commitment,
lots of mental space taken up by love. Oh I
hear John Bowlby saying, isn't this an anxious attachment style?
A high relative sexual frequency, and most of these folks
were women. They also psychologically scored high in agreeableness. Of course,
(26:30):
they're nice people and conscientiousness, attention to detail. So these
are the young women that throw themselves at guys, fall
in love very quickly, have lots of sex to try
to keep them near, but mostly, maybe in my opinion,
have an underbelly of anxiety. And then there's category four,
the libidinus romantics, or as I like to call them,
(26:51):
the firecrackers. Okay, it was less than ten percent of
the group. These people are high frequency sex Calm down,
I cannot. I think the guys lied on this test.
They reported having sex ten to twenty times a week.
They fall hard and fast, they get obsessed with their partners.
(27:12):
They also reported more travel. Yeah, you got to travel
around if you're hoping to find that many partners. Higher
rates of cigarette smoking. Interesting. Interesting, Yeah, the addictive people
addicted to sex too maybe and nicotine. Uh not. High
on commitment surprise, surprise, what person, what woman is going
(27:32):
to commit to sex twenty times a week. I'm sure
you're out there, lady Jane. Congratulations. I'm very proud of you.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
But I don't know.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
All right, So, according to the researchers, if you have
a mismatch in your love style cluster, you're literally in
two different relationships. You're speaking two different languages and you
could be trying really really hard, but it's just not
going to work. You're not going to be a match,
which is one of the things I often say when
people will say, you know, I really really into my
person and listen they know. I just say they're a
(28:05):
good person. You're a good person, but you're a bad match.
And that's okay, right. I think it's important to understand
who your partner is. It's always a good idea to
talk about your feelings and what you want and what works,
et cetera. But I wouldn't take this stuff this eight
(28:27):
hundred young people who are interviewed behind a computer, thirty
three countries and say this is the way. There could
be lots of other things that are underneath that. All right,
when we come back, I am going to my social media.
If you do not follow me on TikTok or Instagram,
could you get over there please. The handle is at
(28:48):
doctor Wendy Walsh, just the dr at Dr Wendy Walsh.
This week, there were so many dms that came and
some really good questions that I had Kyla just print
them out for me because they're really good You're gonna
love these quot You're gonna see yourself in this. If
I'm not answering your exact question, so go in and
send me a DM. She's still going to be monitoring.
Just go onto Instagram search Dr Wendy Walsh, doctor Wendy Walsh,
(29:11):
send me a question. I will keep your identity a secret,
you will be anonymous, but let me weigh in on
your love lives. Just a reminder, I'm not a therapist.
I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books on relationships,
and I've had a lot of life experience, and let
me weigh in. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the
(29:31):
iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
Back to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM
six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This week,
I'm answering your relationship questions. As I mentioned, going to
my social media, we got a bunch of dms. Some
of them are from last week that we couldn't get
to them all. Some of them are new and this week,
if you would like to send me a relationship question. Remember,
(29:58):
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psycho professor. Bud have
written three books on relationships and I am so happy
to weigh in on your love life. Just send a
DM on Instagram to at doctor Wendy Walsh at d
R Wendy Walsh. All right, here we go, uh, Dear
doctor Wendy. I'm dating a great guy, good and we
get along really well. Good except, oh, something's coming. We
(30:21):
have completely opposite political and social views. It's starting to
impact our conversations. Can a relationship survive with that kind
of fundamental difference? Yes? If the important thing that you
have to understand is that it is absolutely okay to
(30:44):
disagree on certain things, especially if there's certain things that
really don't affect each of you, like you know, sex, money,
raising kids, all that stuff is. You know, you got
to come to a community decision. But if it's stuff
out there in the universe, like I'm going to vote
for that person and I don't like that social policy
and it really doesn't impact your cup of coffee the
(31:05):
next morning or your love life together, then you know
what it's sport. You can bicker in a sporting kind
of way. Now, I said, if for a reason, it
can work, if you have completely different political views, as
long as you still respect each other, if you still
love this great guy that you get along with really well,
(31:29):
then it's okay. It's okay for him to have differing
opinions in some way. You know, one time I knew
a woman and she was about to get married, and
she said, the only thing holding her back is that
she was a Christian and he wasn't, but he didn't
mind that she went to church, and he didn't mind
that she was a Christian. And I said, do you
(31:51):
need him to validate your beliefs or can you still
have your beliefs without having him agree with you? And
she thought it, and she's like, you're right. By the
way they got married, they're still married. So there you go.
You can have completely different political views, but the underbelly
still has to be respect and love, and when you
(32:12):
do bicker, it should be sport. Now. Again, sometimes these
political views, and you use the word social differences social
views may actually impact your lives in some way, then
that's a different conversation. But if it's just arguing about
who you vote for and what the country should be doing.
That should be fun sport. All right, moving along into
(32:35):
my dms if you want to send one on Instagram
at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Welsh.
Speaker 4 (32:40):
Hi.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Doctor Wendy says this listener, the guy I'm seeing is
amazing when we're together. Boy, that sounds like a qualifier
when we're together, But in between dates he barely texts
and takes forever to reply. I'm confused. Oh I love
it when people say that I'm confused. Should I assume
he's not that into me? Or is this just how
(33:02):
some people are?
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Look it.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
If you're in any kind of relationship and the primary
feeling that you have is not security but one of confusion,
then you are not in a safe relationship. You should
not feel confused in your relationship. You should know where
you stand. Now. You can try to get it at
him out of him. He's gonna lie, or he's gonna
(33:28):
like again. You're afraid to scare him off, so you
don't want to ask the what are we? You don't
want to ask him to text more? Why do we
have an international crisis of insecurity? And so many women.
I'm telling you all you gotta do is try one time.
I'll let you try one time.
Speaker 4 (33:46):
Hey.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
By the way, in between the dates, we barely talk
and it doesn't feel like this relationship's growing or really
meeting my emotional needs. Should we try to connect more
between dates? If he says yes, he tries it and fails,
get out of there. If your primary feeling is confusion,
people out there, that is not love. You know what
a healthy relationship feels like. It doesn't feel exciting, doesn't
(34:08):
feel like this high, this roller coaster high. It feels peaceful,
and it feels safe, and I want you to feel
that way. Moving along. Dear doctor Wendy, I met someone
on a dating app and we've been talking every day
for three months. But every time I, oh, I know
where we're going here? Every time I asked a video
(34:29):
chat or meet in person, he makes excuses. Could I
be getting catfished in a word? Yes, If a man
wants to be with you, first of all, you should
be demanding. I don't even care if it's long distance.
You should be demanding to be meeting face to face
in the real world. Forget about technology, it's fake. It's
all fake. He could be a robot. He could be
(34:51):
scamming you. He could be lying about who he is.
He could be after your money. He could be just
satisfying himself with the emotional connection and not wanting to
get closer. He could be a sheet. I don't know,
but this is not the human you're imagining it is.
I'll just tell you that. And if it's been three
whole months and this person has not gotten together with
(35:11):
you in the real world or done a real video
chat or GOTNA but they can't even do fake video chats,
did you know that they can use AI? I know.
That's why it's got to be in the real world.
You got to smell the person, touch the person. I'm
so sorry to tell you this, but yeah, you're being catfished.
Please just block them, cut them off whatever. I know,
(35:32):
it feels emotionally satisfying to have what feels like a
human that you are attracted to checking in with you
once a day or twice a day. But that's not real.
That's not what you need. Okay. I'm sorry. Sorry you're
going through this, but you should know you're not alone.
This happens to so many people, all Right, we have
(35:53):
time for a couple more. Here we go, Dear doctor Wendy,
I have been on five great dates with someone and
I really like them, and I want to bring up
the topic of being exclusive, but I don't want to
scare them off. When is the right time to have
that talk. You have that talk right before you have sex.
That's the talk. You ask for exclusivity before sex. So
when you reach a stage where the relationship is getting physical,
I mean, you don't ask for exclusivity if you're kissing,
(36:15):
if you're hugging, whatever, But if it's going to the bedroom,
and I hope you're not in the bedroom yet. Please,
I hope you're not in the bedroom yet. Here's what
you say. Hey, I'm really enjoying getting to know you,
and I don't know where the future lies for the
two of us, but if we're going to share our biology,
(36:36):
I'd like to know that I'm the only one you're
sleeping with. That's all you say. You're not asking, well,
you beat my bunny friend? Can I post it on Facebook?
Nothing like that. You're just saying, Hey, i'd like to
know that if I'm sleeping with you, that you're not
sleeping with anybody else, And if they can't promise you
and I know what I'm gonna say, but they lie
because I've said this online, But they lie. You know what,
(36:58):
if you don't try trust somebody, you should not be
having sex with them. And sometimes it can take a
very long time to learn to trust somebody. Right, all right,
when we come back, I'm going to continue to answer
your social media questions. Go onto Instagram search Doctor Wendy Walsh,
send me a DM and I'll be happy to weigh
(37:20):
in on your love life. You're listening to the Dr
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI
AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
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