February 24, 2025 • 35 mins
Dr. Wendy just celebrated her honeymoon in Australia, and she is sharing her biggest takeaways. Long distance relationships can work, if you follow certain rules. PLUS Dr. Wendy is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. It's all on KFIAM-640!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio appf I Am six forty.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. Oh my gosh.
We have so much stuff coming up tonight. As you know,
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor.
I've written three books on relationships and I am obsessed
with the science of love.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
On tonight's show.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
What to say, What to say during the next argument
with your partner? There are three phrases. I made them up,
but they're good ones. Okay, that can actually smooth things over. Also,
can long distance relationships ever really work? And do you
remember that side raw walk rule where the guy's supposed
to stand on the outside near the traffic on a
(00:49):
sidewalk when you're walking down the street. Well, it's causing
some controversy online because some people think it doesn't deserve
to be around anymore. We're gonna talk about that as well.
I'll be answer your social media questions. If you do
have a relationship question, send me a DM on my
Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh. But I have some romance
news about myself. I just got off a plane today
(01:11):
from my honeymoon, my honeymoon in Sydney, Australia, and let
me tell you, I don't understand how there are two
Sundays in my life this week, because on Sunday I
got up and went to the beach and it was beautiful.
And then at one point thirty in the afternoon on Sunday,
(01:32):
I got on a plane and then I landed in
la at nine am on Sunday. So this is the
Sunday that just won't end for me. It is very bizarre.
And if I step over my words and my tongue
gets a little thick, it's.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Jet leg, that's all it is. It's jetlag.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
But here's what I love spending time in any other
country because you always get to compare the American model
of people's relationship with their country to you know, compared
to America and other places. So let's break it down
what I learned in Australia in the last ten days.
First of all, they have a much better relationship with
their food and their food industry than we do. I
(02:12):
did not witness much obesity. The food quality was off
the charts. I found out that there are more than
a thousand chemicals in our foods here in beautiful America
that are not allowed. They're full on illegal in Australia,
so that's kind of cool. And mostly the foods are
fruit and vegetable and protein of fish, mostly seafood because
(02:37):
we were on the coast. Although I did try Producer Kayla,
I did try some kangaroo.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Sorry, I'm sorry, but how was it? You know what
it was like.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
In a boolonnaise sauce, So it just tasted like beef
to me. But you they said you can't not try
it because it's like a delicacy there, like it's like
venison or deer, and apparently kangaroo there like roadkill everywhere.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
I don't know. I try it too, honestly, Yeah, I
try it. It was fine.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
The other thing is the people there have such a
good relationship with their government because when you turn on
the TV, the government has public service announcements for health care,
free health care or health information, free public gyms.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
They're just always telling you how to be healthy.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
I also found out that the minimum wage is twenty
five dollars, So there are very few people living in poverty.
They could manage to get through their life.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Well, think of it this way.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Not only is the minimum wage twenty five dollars, but
parents get five months off for parental leaved paid their
whole salary. You get subsidized childcare for when you do
go back to work. Health care is completely free, including
mental health services. Very few homeless people, I should add
(03:54):
that to very few homeless people that I did see
were so neat and tidy.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
There was no trash around them.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
They had a neat little mattress, laid out acute little
they made their beds. I mean it was Honestly, I've
never seen anything like it. And I also want to
let you know that more men or practice PDFs, PDFs
public displays of fatherhood. The men wear the babies, the
(04:22):
men hold the babies. They're like the penguins.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
You see a lot.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Of men practicing childcare. The men that we hung out with,
we have friends there, and they invited friends, tended to
be more open about talking about their feelings. The gender
thing is less. This is masculine, this is feminine. Well,
guess what turns out new Zealand was the first country
in the world to give women the vote way back
in eighteen ninety three, and then Australia came next at
(04:47):
nineteen two. More than twenty different nations gave women the
vote before the US.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
By the way, I just want to throw that.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
In, but nearly half of all members of Parliament in
Australia are women, and so the gender roles tend to
be a little more egalitarian, if you can say so.
You know, they got this robust social welfare system I
mentioned universal health care paid parentally subsidized childcare, and that
(05:15):
helps reinforce these more equal roles between the genders. It's
also I found this really interesting compulsory to vote. If
you do not go to the polls to vote, you
have to pay a fine.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Could you imagine if we had that here. You should
have that here, We should have that here.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Everyone should have to vote. And also no one ever
ever talks about politics. It's just like that one thing
you do once a year and then you go back
to your social life.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
The people seem very happy, oh and also fit.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
They're exercising everywhere. Every time you turn around. There's groups
of people. In fact, yesterday well it's really today is
the Sunday that won't end. So this morning Sunday, I
went to the beach because our flight was delayed and
I had a few more hours. And there was a
group of a and it was an exercise class led
by a guy with a bullhorn. But what was interesting
about it is they were doing child's play. So this
(06:08):
group of maybe thirty adults. One of the games was
four adults each holding the corner of a beach towel
with a big ball in the middle like a volleyball,
had to bounce it onto other people's towels and they
had to carry it all the way down the beach
that way, so you're running in the sand bouncing this ball.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
They had remember.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Potato sack races. They had them all the way down
the beach, relay races with grown ups doing them. They
had this ice bag toss thing, like these people were
sweating and working so hard doing this in the sand,
but they were having so much fun. It was just
child's play. They were just enjoying it. And even when
I went to the National Art Gallery, there below the
(06:47):
gorgeous statues of modern art in the entrance plaza, there
was a guy yelling and people doing a full on
aerobics class. I mean they exercise everywhere, everywhere you go.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Probably a lot easier to doing. Your food's not poisoning you.
You probably have all the energy in the.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
World and their mental health is better because of it.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
We don't mention how important nutrition is to our mental health.
Not only the chemicals we're eating here, the sugar, the
high carbohydrate food. There's an area of psychology founded at
Harvard called nutritional psychiatry, and researchers there at Harvard have
(07:27):
learned that you can change people's neurochemistry as easily with
diet as you can with medication, you know. And so
when you see a government who says we're not going
to allow these chemicals into our people's minds, We're not
going to allow these bad foods because we're going to
save money on health insurance, We're going to save money
(07:47):
on sick days, we're going to save money on prisons.
Even though the country started out as one big prison,
I mean a lot. We did all the historic stuff too.
If you want to know things to do in Sydney,
by the way, I did. I just posted on my
Instagram today ten top things to do in Sydney, and
if you're thinking of going, you should know this right now.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
The American dollars really really, really strong. It's like thirty percent.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
I mean, we used our frequent Flyer points to fly there,
so we're there for free.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
And then the dollar was like thirty percent more.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
And they were in the middle of their summer sales
because they're heading in to fall soon, so all the
summer clothes were on sale, and then I also had
a strong dollar. It was just amazing. So I'm just
advertisement go to Sydney, you guys. If you can get
through the fourteen hour flight, okay, just have a good
neck pillow. That's all you need is a good neck pillow.
So maybe while you're there you're going to meet somebody
(08:39):
and get into a long distance relationship. In fact, I
did a segment on Australia's version of The Today Show
nine network because I've been doing it for on and
off for a decade, and I finally got to meet
everybody in person. And the woman who's like the guest
hostess services who walks around, she told me she met
a guy from Wisconsin who was on vacation and Sydney
(09:01):
and they had two seven hour dates. Now I did
not weigh in. I did not say, you know, if
you've been listening to me, you know what. I would
have said, too much, too soon, Okay, But he was
on vacation and now she's planning to meet him in
Hawaii halfway and it could turn into something. And so
she had questions about a long distance relationship. So a
lot of people are entering long distance relationships. Can they
(09:24):
work my wisdom on this topic when we come back.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty one thousand miles.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Really just to see him tonight.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
I don't know everybody, Doctor Wendy Walsh. Here, this is
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. We're talking about long distance
relationships very common now because of dating apps.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
People go on and they think, well.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
The problem is city, The problem is there just aren't
good mates in my town. When I'm just going to
tell you the problem is your relationship skills. You're saying,
you know, now there are some mating marketplaces that are
a little rough, like LA and New York for educated women.
Just going to throw that out there, that's just a
(10:19):
statistical fact that there are far more single educated women
in LA and New York than there are single educated men.
So there's the mating marketplace is a little bit imbalanced.
But for the most part, unless you're a minority, sexual minority,
or ethnic minority living in a small town with very
few choices of mates that you want to date, then
(10:43):
dating outside of your town is a setup for failure.
I'm just going to say it, okay, because what happens
with these fantasy long distance relationships is well they're a fantasy,
is what it is. It's really important to realize that
the skills it takes to have a long distance relationship
are really different than the skills that it takes to
(11:06):
have a daily face to face relationship. And also if
you try to convert one to the other, that can
be problematic. You see, what a real relationship is is
about the tiny, you know, problems that happen on a
regular basis, when you're overtired, when you're stressed, when you've
(11:27):
had a miscommunication, and then you learn how you can
have better communication, you can learn how to have better
conflict resolution. But with long distance relationships you miss a
lot of those opportunities. Now, one of the questions I
get asked a lot is what about this saying that
absence makes the heart grow fonder. Now, remember I talk
(11:52):
a lot about the science of attachment, and yes, people
who have who you know, think of attachment style as
a scale. So people who are more on the scale
of an anxious attachment style, they are in love with longing.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
They love long.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Distance relationships because for them, they're in Psychologists call it
the internal working model of love. I just like to
say their idea of what love should feel like should
be mixed up with feelings of longing and loss right,
and that goes back to their early childhood, et cetera.
And so even though you hear this adage, absence makes
(12:30):
the heart grow fonder, long sustance relationships can be particularly trying,
as I mentioned, because they don't involve those day to
day negotiation of boundaries or practicing communication skills. But they
also have the unique element of having a convenient time lag,
and that helps people avoid conflicts. So it's not real,
it's not authentic. So if there's a text or a
(12:51):
call from your partner at a time when you're just
not at your best, not in the mood, you don't
have to immediately take that call. Or if you're a
comfortable with a question they've asked you, you can take
time to formulate your response. And so I think long
distance relationships function as kind of a string of honeymoons.
(13:12):
There's really little opportunity to test compatibility because compatibility comes
in the doldrums of daily life. Now I mentioned attachment style.
I bet you that people with an anxious attachment style
love long distance relationships. Also, long distance relationships tend to
attract people who have an avoidant attachment style. These kind
(13:36):
of people are happy to meet for like small pockets
of love, but growing real emotional intimacy or moving in
together in one city can be terrifying. Now, they don't
say this right because people who have an avoidant attachment
style don't have a lot of insight. They're not even
aware of their own feelings. So if you have to,
if you try to say things like how do you
think it would feel if we live together in one apartment,
(13:57):
they'd go cool, it would feel cool? Because they're not
even aware of their feelings, right, but inside they they
do this tender dance of bringing people close, close enough
to obtain sex and pockets of admiration, and then they
kind of push them away.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
So what's really interesting is if long disiness relationships are
attractive to people who have an anxious style and people
have an avoidance style. The research shows that people have
an anxious style are most sexually attracted to people who
have an avoidance style because they trigger them in the
way that they like.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
If people who are anxious or addicted to longing, they
love the idea of pining away for someone, and then
the avoidant person loves to be able to go into
their compartment and hide away. Now, can a long distance
relationship work?
Speaker 3 (14:48):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (14:49):
If, okay, and there is research on this. So let's
talk about what the research says can help a long
disiness relationship work. The first, it is frequency of contact,
whether it is text, audio, phone, call, video. It's important
that you talk daily and that you're in the trenches
(15:12):
with the day to day stuff.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Right.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
So if you're only talking, you know, a couple times
a week and you're talking about plans for the next honeymoon.
When you get together, you're not learning about each other's
day to day life, right. I mean, I'm married now
and my husband and I still talk probably it depends
on the day, two or three times a day, however briefly.
(15:36):
And I know if something some news happens in his day,
it's usually when we're in the car, both of us
going not together, but going to different places in between
our meetings or whatever. And when he starts a phone
call like this, he literally goes, I go hello, and
he goes.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Get this.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
It just starts with get this, and he starts into
a story of something that happened. Right, Because we have
emotional intimacy and we share all the emotional beats of
the day. I mean, we don't talk about every single
detail of the day, but anything that's emotional we do
so speak at least once a day. And here's where
the research gets really interesting. Couples who talk about their
(16:15):
feelings that literally grow emotional intimacy from AFAR do better
when they convert it to an in world. If all
you're talking about is when you're gonna meet, where you're
gonna meet, what you're gonna do to each other, whatever,
that's not the same as feelings, right, tender feelings. Moments
of it really hurt me. When this happened today, you
(16:37):
wouldn't believe what happened, right, talk about feelings and the
third thing according to research, so I want to speak regularly,
talk about feelings, and always have a plan on the
calendar of when you'll meet next. If you leave things hanging,
it increases feelings of relationship insecurity. Right, nobody knows, like
(16:58):
when is going to happen again, it's you're committed, Okay,
We're not talking about just a dating relationship. We're talking
about people who are saying we are exclusive, we're in
a relationship, we are trying to grow something together here.
Then you have a schedule of when you're meeting, and
I do want to add one other thing. Have an
exit strategy. And what I mean by that is have
(17:20):
a timeline on it, like we're going to move in
together in the same city within a year or two
years or whatever, or when you finish law school or
when she finishes medical school or whatever, that's when you're
going to do it.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Right, So you have.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
A plan and you know that there's an ending, a
light at the end of the tunnel you can both
look to. But let me say this, there are some
red flags when a long disiness relationship isn't working. If
you are just meeting for romantic fantasy trips like dinners
and sex and there's no talk of a future together,
that's probably a pretty big red flag. And when you
(17:53):
do talk of a future together, if it's just some
vague idea that might happen somewhere down the line, it's
another red flag.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Every long distance relationship, in my opinion, should have a culmination.
That's the time when you both plan to live together
in the same city. So get that on the calendar,
all right, when we come back. This is for anybody
who's ever been a relationship, is in a relationship, is
marriy divorce, whatever, if you've ever had to interact with
(18:23):
somebody in a romantic relationship, three things to say during
a fight. I made them up, but they work in
my relationship, so I want to share them. You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six
forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
AFI am six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This here is the Doctor Wendy Walsh show. All right.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
So I have always said that relationships are far more
about skill than luck, and I am living a proof
that you can learn relationship skills. I didn't go to
school for this, well kind of I did. I was
a patient in therapy for many, many years where I
practiced these skills. But also I ended up going and
(19:13):
get a midlife master's and PhD in psychology, and every
class I would take, I would be like, everybody needs
to know this, They shouldn't save this for hidden information.
And I learned that at the end of the day,
a couple things we need to all learn to do
with each other. First of all, learn to have emotional communication.
(19:34):
And what that means is the first step in that
is just becoming aware of your own feelings. And that's
hard for a lot of people because so many people
were raised by well meaning parents who said, suck it
up or change your attitude or whatever, and so they
weren't their feelings weren't mirrored, they weren't given language for
(19:55):
their feelings. And a lot of if you do go
to therapy for the first time. A lot of the
work that therapists do is called psycho education, where they
literally give you words to describe your feeling. You'll go
in and talk about this happened, and that happened, and
then they'll say, and you felt embarrassed or you felt
blah blah blah, and they will give you language for it.
(20:17):
So the first step of having good, healthy communication is
just become aware of your own feelings. Second step finding
the language to express it to somebody else in a
non defensive way.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Here's the other thing.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
When people are not accustomed to setting boundaries or expressing
their feelings, they do it actually in a kind of
often in an angry, defensive way because they feel uncomfortable
about it. So learning how to express your feelings in
a healthy, honest, calm, vulnerable way is number two. But
(20:47):
number three is having empathy, because once you become aware
of your own feelings, then you can start to see
it in others. Now we do know that genetically we
all have a range in our ability to have empathy.
There are some people who are you know, neurodiverse, who
have very very little empathy, and they have to watch
for all kinds of facial cues or body language and
(21:09):
translate it because they just don't naturally sense things. Then
there are other people like me who I can feel
people with in my stomach. Like if I see someone
fall down and bump their head, I feel it in
my head.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
I mean, I really I have a lot of empathy.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
But we can all learn to have a little more empathy,
even if all we learn to do is to inquire, Hey,
what's going on, how are you feeling, et cetera. Now,
probably the most challenging thing for people when they're learning
relationship skills is learning how to have healthy conflict. Many
people believe that if a relationship involves lots of fights
(21:48):
or conflict that it's a bad relationship or you guys
shouldn't be together if you're fighting all the time. Well,
I will say, if you're fighting, it's never comes to resolution. Maybe,
but this shows that the healthiest couples actually have a
lot of conflict. Now it is not the knockdown, drag
them out big arguments. It's tiny little border skirmishes all
(22:10):
day long where they're just reinstating their boundaries. They're renegotiating
their boundaries. Right, So no matter what you should know
that you can be deeply in love with somebody and
they can love you back, and you will still have conflict.
Everything is not supposed to be rosy all the time.
Relationships are a gymnasium for your mind, and you don't
(22:33):
go to the gym and just watch. You have to
push on the machines and have a little bit of resistance, right,
And that's what happens during conflict. So I've come up
with three things that I would like you to write
them down.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Okay, just write them down.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
The three simple phrases that if you can say when
you're in the middle of an argument, it will make
things easier. So the first one is I imagine that.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
I imagine that.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Now, what this is you getting to explain your feelings.
But using the word imagine is important because you know
there's not one truth in the room, So you get
to explain your feelings through a story that you have
made up about the situation. For example, you know when
you forgot about our dinner plans, I imagined that I
was going to die alone.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
And you would never come there. You would forget to
come to my sickabad.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
Now this can often turn into comedy, which is great
if your imaginings and your fantasies are just outrageous. But
the more infantile you can make them, the more deep
and tender you can make them. What are you really?
What are the feelings really saying that this person did
something that hurt you? But it's not oh, you hurt me,
(23:49):
it's oh, I imagined that you would hurt me forever,
or you would leave me forever or whatever. All right,
I imagine that?
Speaker 2 (23:57):
All right?
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Now, So that first one gets you in touch with
your deepest feelings and helps both of you understand that
all conflicts are infantile in some way. But the important
and tone is really important. Right. You don't want to
sound defensive or angry. You much just want to softly say,
you know when you did that or you said that.
I imagine that?
Speaker 2 (24:19):
All right?
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Number two, ask a question, and here's my favorite question
when there's conflict, How should we solve this?
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Now?
Speaker 1 (24:29):
Listen to this how should we solve this? When someone
hears the word how, it takes them out of their
emotional brain, their ancient emotional brain, and takes them into
their prefrontal cortex, and they go from emotions into problem
solving mode and listen to this how should we solve this?
(24:51):
All of a sudden, the word we is in there.
It's not you need to do this to fix this,
or it's not my fault, it's how should we solve this?
So now there's collaboration, Now there's cooperation, how should we?
And it's a question that how. Now it becomes a
math problem? Right, So if you can somehow take emotional
(25:12):
defensiveness and transform it into kind of a math problem
or a Rubric's que to be tinkered with, and make
sure that you add we, because that makes the problem
a joint problem and it implies that no one's to blame, right,
that both partners can now be part of the solution.
But I do want to say, watch your body language,
all right, If you're going to sit there with your
arms crossed your chest or on your hips and go so,
(25:35):
how should we solve this? It sounds very sarcastic. Okay,
get gentle, Maybe touch your partner's arm and just say, hey,
I understand what you're experiencing.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
How should we solve this?
Speaker 3 (25:48):
Right?
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Looking for the resolution? All right?
Speaker 1 (25:52):
The third thing that I think you should say when
you're in an argument is I love the way you.
And here's what this is about. Make that communication, sandwich.
Start out with something loving so that it lowers somebody's defenses.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Right.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
You always begin a criticism with a compliment, and that
enables them to hear what you're saying. So after you
spread that layer of love, then a layer of something
that's a little harder to chew on, so there's the
ensuing criticism, and then follow it up with another compliment,
another layer of love. So it might be something like, Honey,
(26:31):
one of the reasons I fell in love with you
is I just love your ambition and how hard you work,
and I really appreciate what a great provider you are.
But I noticed you're missing a lot of the kids'
sports games. And we all love you and we love
to show you off, and we'd love to see you
there more often.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
Now.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Isn't that different from saying when is the last time
you drove to this practice?
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Right?
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Because now you're keeping score and you're counting, right, So
remember that communication, sandwich, I love the way you. That's
how you should begin any criticism.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Got it.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
How should we solve this? That's another good one too,
all right, when we come back, remember that old fashioned
sidewalk rule where the man walks close to the street
and the women walk on the inside. Well, apparently there's
controversy about it. Let's break it down when we come back.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
You know, one of the things I get asked about
a lot are what I call gendered courtship behaviors, things
like should a guy open a car door for a woman?
Should a guy pull out her seat at the restaurant?
Should a guy open a door? Is it demeaning to women?
(27:58):
Does it make women look like they are somehow? And
my answer generally is about whatever's most practical makes the
most sense. For instance, one time I dated a guy
and he had this thing where he had to be
allowed to be the man. So when he would pull
in and park, he would literally say, don't touch that
(28:20):
door till I get there. That didn't feel good. It
felt like control, not a gesture of let me help you.
The other thing is car seemed to have gotten bigger
and bigger and bigger, and sometimes I'm measured at once.
To walk fourteen feet around an suv to get to
the other side seems pretty unpractical when she could jump
(28:42):
out anyway and be there by your side after a
few steps. So no pressure to open car doors is
my feeling, except maybe when you're getting into the car.
Right when you're first walking up to the car together,
he might go, why does she roll your eyes? Producer, Kayla,
you don't think a guy should ever open a car.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Door for well, no, I definitely do. I was thinking
about some thing, but.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Oh, somebody who didn't do it for you? One time
she goes right into her red flag. She's like, oh, yeah,
that guy went out with last night. He had me
stumbling into the car opening my own door. Yeah. Then
there's the pulling out the chair. I think it's a
lovely gesture.
Speaker 3 (29:16):
I do.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
It makes me feel special.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
And then there's the standing the men stand when the
woman need to get up from the table. That's a
little bit formal and a little bit wild. But the
one thing I've been asked about a lot lately by
journalists actually, and they're talking about it like crazy on
TikTok and Instagram debating going back and forth. Is something
(29:39):
called the sidewalk rule. It's that old fashioned sidewalk rule.
It's still widely practiced today all over the world. I
think it's just American, even though the conditions that invented
the rule are long gone.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
So here's what the sidewalk rule is.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
It's basically a social expectation that when a heterosexual couple
walked together on a sidewalk, the man should walk on
the outside near the traffic and the woman should walk
on the inside near the buildings. Right, I'm really amazed
that there's so much controversy controversy about this, really, so
some people are on social media are saying this is wonderful,
(30:22):
chivalry isn't dead. And other people are saying, oh, it's sexist,
it's demeaning. We don't need protection. Right, all right, let
me just break down some pieces of this sidewalk rule
so we can understand it. I call it a simple
gendered behavior. But there are three sides of the story.
Let's begin with history. So folklore has it that the
(30:45):
practice of men walking on the outside of the sidewalk
began back in medieval times and maybe even earlier, and
At that time, there were only horse drawn carriages. There
was no pavement on the streets. There were physical dangers
of things like carriages careening out of control pulled by
(31:08):
wild horses. Men were expected to be at the ready
to protect a woman by putting themselves between a lady
and any danger. And the second had to do with cleanliness.
I mean, think about it. Picture this cobblestone streets, poor drainage,
mudern animal waste, some pretty unsanitary conditions. And did you
(31:31):
know this, I hate to go there. Before indoor plumbing,
people dumped their buckets of human waste right in the street.
Oh yeah, it didn't smell lovely back then. Just saying
talk about biohazards, okay.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
And also picture this.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Women were wearing those long dresses and dainty little ankle boots.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Obviously, it's understandable why the sidewalk rule had to be around,
very practical. So I'm going to throw in a little
science behind this sidewalk rule. There's been so much research
to support the idea that most men have a higher
threshold for disgust. The feeling of disgust women will sense
it earlier. Many men, not all, many men are more
(32:15):
willing to do the dirty jobs in life, and many women,
not all, become nauseous.
Speaker 3 (32:20):
At the thought of it.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
So evolutionary psychologists say that this inherited trait is related
to the fact that men had to do a lot
of dirty jobs hunting, cleaning, skinning, butchering animals. Not that
there weren't women hunters, and not that women don't do
it today, but in our hunter gatherer past, when the
infant mortality rate was very, very high, women had to
(32:43):
protect those infants from biological pathogens germs. So women today
are particularly sensitive to feelings of disgust, right, another reason
why they want to stay away from those nasty streets
of the past. I know you're saying, but in today's
time and doesn't matter, right, So in today's times, I
don't think any guy could prevent any woman from a
(33:05):
careening suv coming out or at sixty miles an hour. Okay,
so that's gone. And also supposedly we have good street
cleaning equipment. The rule just seems super unfashioned, right. But
I think what's going on online, the conversations that are
happening have to do with the gender role police that.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
Are out there.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
There is this idea that gender is one hundred percent
of cultural construct. Actually it's a biopsychosocial phenomenon like every
other human thing. But they think that if a guy
is kind, that somehow they are insulting a woman, that
somehow they're saying this woman needs protection, that this woman
(33:49):
is needy, is vulnerable, is weak, We need to help her,
she can't stand near the cars. I call those the
side woke rule folks. Right, if they're ignoring the research
that shows that the vast majority of men are clearly
stronger than the vast majority of women. Okay, exceptions, Selena Williams, Uh,
(34:09):
Serena Williams, I mean pee wee herman, right? Uh? But
also think about this human mating strategy involves sacrificing, sacrificing
for somebody else. Relationships are an exchange of care. So
there are some gestures that just send the message that
a partner is willing to offer care. So these male
(34:29):
gendered behaviors like opening a door for a woman's sliding
at her chair, I think should be interpreted not as
a message that women are feeble, but that women are
prized and women are valued. I think this demonstrates care
and respect. And I think this is sexy. So if
you're a dude and you're listening, stand on the street side.
(34:50):
My Julio does always do you guys do that stand
on the outside.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Yeah, it's a right flag. If they don't, oh, don't go.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
She does not go out with them again. All right,
let's go to break. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio appf I Am six forty.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. Oh my gosh.
We have so much stuff coming up tonight. As you know,
I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor.
I've written three books on relationships and I am obsessed
with the science of love.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
On tonight's show.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
What to say, What to say during the next argument
with your partner? There are three phrases. I made them up,
but they're good ones. Okay, that can actually smooth things over. Also,
can long distance relationships ever really work? And do you
remember that side raw walk rule where the guy's supposed
to stand on the outside near the traffic on a
(00:49):
sidewalk when you're walking down the street. Well, it's causing
some controversy online because some people think it doesn't deserve
to be around anymore. We're gonna talk about that as well.
I'll be answer your social media questions. If you do
have a relationship question, send me a DM on my
Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh. But I have some romance
news about myself. I just got off a plane today
(01:11):
from my honeymoon, my honeymoon in Sydney, Australia, and let
me tell you, I don't understand how there are two
Sundays in my life this week, because on Sunday I
got up and went to the beach and it was beautiful.
And then at one point thirty in the afternoon on Sunday,
(01:32):
I got on a plane and then I landed in
la at nine am on Sunday. So this is the
Sunday that just won't end for me. It is very bizarre.
And if I step over my words and my tongue
gets a little thick, it's.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Jet leg, that's all it is. It's jetlag.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
But here's what I love spending time in any other
country because you always get to compare the American model
of people's relationship with their country to you know, compared
to America and other places. So let's break it down
what I learned in Australia in the last ten days.
First of all, they have a much better relationship with
their food and their food industry than we do. I
(02:12):
did not witness much obesity. The food quality was off
the charts. I found out that there are more than
a thousand chemicals in our foods here in beautiful America
that are not allowed. They're full on illegal in Australia,
so that's kind of cool. And mostly the foods are
fruit and vegetable and protein of fish, mostly seafood because
(02:37):
we were on the coast. Although I did try Producer Kayla,
I did try some kangaroo.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Sorry, I'm sorry, but how was it? You know what
it was like.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
In a boolonnaise sauce, So it just tasted like beef
to me. But you they said you can't not try
it because it's like a delicacy there, like it's like
venison or deer, and apparently kangaroo there like roadkill everywhere.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
I don't know. I try it too, honestly, Yeah, I
try it. It was fine.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
The other thing is the people there have such a
good relationship with their government because when you turn on
the TV, the government has public service announcements for health care,
free health care or health information, free public gyms.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
They're just always telling you how to be healthy.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
I also found out that the minimum wage is twenty
five dollars, So there are very few people living in poverty.
They could manage to get through their life.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Well, think of it this way.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Not only is the minimum wage twenty five dollars, but
parents get five months off for parental leaved paid their
whole salary. You get subsidized childcare for when you do
go back to work. Health care is completely free, including
mental health services. Very few homeless people, I should add
(03:54):
that to very few homeless people that I did see
were so neat and tidy.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
There was no trash around them.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
They had a neat little mattress, laid out acute little
they made their beds. I mean it was Honestly, I've
never seen anything like it. And I also want to
let you know that more men or practice PDFs, PDFs
public displays of fatherhood. The men wear the babies, the
(04:22):
men hold the babies. They're like the penguins.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
You see a lot.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Of men practicing childcare. The men that we hung out with,
we have friends there, and they invited friends, tended to
be more open about talking about their feelings. The gender
thing is less. This is masculine, this is feminine. Well,
guess what turns out new Zealand was the first country
in the world to give women the vote way back
in eighteen ninety three, and then Australia came next at
(04:47):
nineteen two. More than twenty different nations gave women the
vote before the US.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
By the way, I just want to throw that.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
In, but nearly half of all members of Parliament in
Australia are women, and so the gender roles tend to
be a little more egalitarian, if you can say so.
You know, they got this robust social welfare system I
mentioned universal health care paid parentally subsidized childcare, and that
(05:15):
helps reinforce these more equal roles between the genders. It's
also I found this really interesting compulsory to vote. If
you do not go to the polls to vote, you
have to pay a fine.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
Could you imagine if we had that here. You should
have that here, We should have that here.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Everyone should have to vote. And also no one ever
ever talks about politics. It's just like that one thing
you do once a year and then you go back
to your social life.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
The people seem very happy, oh and also fit.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
They're exercising everywhere. Every time you turn around. There's groups
of people. In fact, yesterday well it's really today is
the Sunday that won't end. So this morning Sunday, I
went to the beach because our flight was delayed and
I had a few more hours. And there was a
group of a and it was an exercise class led
by a guy with a bullhorn. But what was interesting
about it is they were doing child's play. So this
(06:08):
group of maybe thirty adults. One of the games was
four adults each holding the corner of a beach towel
with a big ball in the middle like a volleyball,
had to bounce it onto other people's towels and they
had to carry it all the way down the beach
that way, so you're running in the sand bouncing this ball.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
They had remember.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Potato sack races. They had them all the way down
the beach, relay races with grown ups doing them. They
had this ice bag toss thing, like these people were
sweating and working so hard doing this in the sand,
but they were having so much fun. It was just
child's play. They were just enjoying it. And even when
I went to the National Art Gallery, there below the
(06:47):
gorgeous statues of modern art in the entrance plaza, there
was a guy yelling and people doing a full on
aerobics class. I mean they exercise everywhere, everywhere you go.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
Probably a lot easier to doing. Your food's not poisoning you.
You probably have all the energy in the.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
World and their mental health is better because of it.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
We don't mention how important nutrition is to our mental health.
Not only the chemicals we're eating here, the sugar, the
high carbohydrate food. There's an area of psychology founded at
Harvard called nutritional psychiatry, and researchers there at Harvard have
(07:27):
learned that you can change people's neurochemistry as easily with
diet as you can with medication, you know. And so
when you see a government who says we're not going
to allow these chemicals into our people's minds, We're not
going to allow these bad foods because we're going to
save money on health insurance, We're going to save money
(07:47):
on sick days, we're going to save money on prisons.
Even though the country started out as one big prison,
I mean a lot. We did all the historic stuff too.
If you want to know things to do in Sydney,
by the way, I did. I just posted on my
Instagram today ten top things to do in Sydney, and
if you're thinking of going, you should know this right now.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
The American dollars really really, really strong. It's like thirty percent.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
I mean, we used our frequent Flyer points to fly there,
so we're there for free.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
And then the dollar was like thirty percent more.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
And they were in the middle of their summer sales
because they're heading in to fall soon, so all the
summer clothes were on sale, and then I also had
a strong dollar. It was just amazing. So I'm just
advertisement go to Sydney, you guys. If you can get
through the fourteen hour flight, okay, just have a good
neck pillow. That's all you need is a good neck pillow.
So maybe while you're there you're going to meet somebody
(08:39):
and get into a long distance relationship. In fact, I
did a segment on Australia's version of The Today Show
nine network because I've been doing it for on and
off for a decade, and I finally got to meet
everybody in person. And the woman who's like the guest
hostess services who walks around, she told me she met
a guy from Wisconsin who was on vacation and Sydney
(09:01):
and they had two seven hour dates. Now I did
not weigh in. I did not say, you know, if
you've been listening to me, you know what. I would
have said, too much, too soon, Okay, But he was
on vacation and now she's planning to meet him in
Hawaii halfway and it could turn into something. And so
she had questions about a long distance relationship. So a
lot of people are entering long distance relationships. Can they
(09:24):
work my wisdom on this topic when we come back.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty one thousand miles.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Really just to see him tonight.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
I don't know everybody, Doctor Wendy Walsh. Here, this is
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. We're talking about long distance
relationships very common now because of dating apps.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
People go on and they think, well.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
The problem is city, The problem is there just aren't
good mates in my town. When I'm just going to
tell you the problem is your relationship skills. You're saying,
you know, now there are some mating marketplaces that are
a little rough, like LA and New York for educated women.
Just going to throw that out there, that's just a
(10:19):
statistical fact that there are far more single educated women
in LA and New York than there are single educated men.
So there's the mating marketplace is a little bit imbalanced.
But for the most part, unless you're a minority, sexual minority,
or ethnic minority living in a small town with very
few choices of mates that you want to date, then
(10:43):
dating outside of your town is a setup for failure.
I'm just going to say it, okay, because what happens
with these fantasy long distance relationships is well they're a fantasy,
is what it is. It's really important to realize that
the skills it takes to have a long distance relationship
are really different than the skills that it takes to
(11:06):
have a daily face to face relationship. And also if
you try to convert one to the other, that can
be problematic. You see, what a real relationship is is
about the tiny, you know, problems that happen on a
regular basis, when you're overtired, when you're stressed, when you've
(11:27):
had a miscommunication, and then you learn how you can
have better communication, you can learn how to have better
conflict resolution. But with long distance relationships you miss a
lot of those opportunities. Now, one of the questions I
get asked a lot is what about this saying that
absence makes the heart grow fonder. Now, remember I talk
(11:52):
a lot about the science of attachment, and yes, people
who have who you know, think of attachment style as
a scale. So people who are more on the scale
of an anxious attachment style, they are in love with longing.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
They love long.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Distance relationships because for them, they're in Psychologists call it
the internal working model of love. I just like to
say their idea of what love should feel like should
be mixed up with feelings of longing and loss right,
and that goes back to their early childhood, et cetera.
And so even though you hear this adage, absence makes
(12:30):
the heart grow fonder, long sustance relationships can be particularly trying,
as I mentioned, because they don't involve those day to
day negotiation of boundaries or practicing communication skills. But they
also have the unique element of having a convenient time lag,
and that helps people avoid conflicts. So it's not real,
it's not authentic. So if there's a text or a
(12:51):
call from your partner at a time when you're just
not at your best, not in the mood, you don't
have to immediately take that call. Or if you're a
comfortable with a question they've asked you, you can take
time to formulate your response. And so I think long
distance relationships function as kind of a string of honeymoons.
(13:12):
There's really little opportunity to test compatibility because compatibility comes
in the doldrums of daily life. Now I mentioned attachment style.
I bet you that people with an anxious attachment style
love long distance relationships. Also, long distance relationships tend to
attract people who have an avoidant attachment style. These kind
(13:36):
of people are happy to meet for like small pockets
of love, but growing real emotional intimacy or moving in
together in one city can be terrifying. Now, they don't
say this right because people who have an avoidant attachment
style don't have a lot of insight. They're not even
aware of their own feelings. So if you have to,
if you try to say things like how do you
think it would feel if we live together in one apartment,
(13:57):
they'd go cool, it would feel cool? Because they're not
even aware of their feelings, right, but inside they they
do this tender dance of bringing people close, close enough
to obtain sex and pockets of admiration, and then they
kind of push them away.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
So what's really interesting is if long disiness relationships are
attractive to people who have an anxious style and people
have an avoidance style. The research shows that people have
an anxious style are most sexually attracted to people who
have an avoidance style because they trigger them in the
way that they like.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
If people who are anxious or addicted to longing, they
love the idea of pining away for someone, and then
the avoidant person loves to be able to go into
their compartment and hide away. Now, can a long distance
relationship work?
Speaker 3 (14:48):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (14:49):
If, okay, and there is research on this. So let's
talk about what the research says can help a long
disiness relationship work. The first, it is frequency of contact,
whether it is text, audio, phone, call, video. It's important
that you talk daily and that you're in the trenches
(15:12):
with the day to day stuff.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Right.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
So if you're only talking, you know, a couple times
a week and you're talking about plans for the next honeymoon.
When you get together, you're not learning about each other's
day to day life, right. I mean, I'm married now
and my husband and I still talk probably it depends
on the day, two or three times a day, however briefly.
(15:36):
And I know if something some news happens in his day,
it's usually when we're in the car, both of us
going not together, but going to different places in between
our meetings or whatever. And when he starts a phone
call like this, he literally goes, I go hello, and
he goes.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Get this.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
It just starts with get this, and he starts into
a story of something that happened. Right, Because we have
emotional intimacy and we share all the emotional beats of
the day. I mean, we don't talk about every single
detail of the day, but anything that's emotional we do
so speak at least once a day. And here's where
the research gets really interesting. Couples who talk about their
(16:15):
feelings that literally grow emotional intimacy from AFAR do better
when they convert it to an in world. If all
you're talking about is when you're gonna meet, where you're
gonna meet, what you're gonna do to each other, whatever,
that's not the same as feelings, right, tender feelings. Moments
of it really hurt me. When this happened today, you
(16:37):
wouldn't believe what happened, right, talk about feelings and the
third thing according to research, so I want to speak regularly,
talk about feelings, and always have a plan on the
calendar of when you'll meet next. If you leave things hanging,
it increases feelings of relationship insecurity. Right, nobody knows, like
(16:58):
when is going to happen again, it's you're committed, Okay,
We're not talking about just a dating relationship. We're talking
about people who are saying we are exclusive, we're in
a relationship, we are trying to grow something together here.
Then you have a schedule of when you're meeting, and
I do want to add one other thing. Have an
exit strategy. And what I mean by that is have
(17:20):
a timeline on it, like we're going to move in
together in the same city within a year or two
years or whatever, or when you finish law school or
when she finishes medical school or whatever, that's when you're
going to do it.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Right, So you have.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
A plan and you know that there's an ending, a
light at the end of the tunnel you can both
look to. But let me say this, there are some
red flags when a long disiness relationship isn't working. If
you are just meeting for romantic fantasy trips like dinners
and sex and there's no talk of a future together,
that's probably a pretty big red flag. And when you
(17:53):
do talk of a future together, if it's just some
vague idea that might happen somewhere down the line, it's
another red flag.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Every long distance relationship, in my opinion, should have a culmination.
That's the time when you both plan to live together
in the same city. So get that on the calendar,
all right, when we come back. This is for anybody
who's ever been a relationship, is in a relationship, is
marriy divorce, whatever, if you've ever had to interact with
(18:23):
somebody in a romantic relationship, three things to say during
a fight. I made them up, but they work in
my relationship, so I want to share them. You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six
forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
AFI am six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This here is the Doctor Wendy Walsh show. All right.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
So I have always said that relationships are far more
about skill than luck, and I am living a proof
that you can learn relationship skills. I didn't go to
school for this, well kind of I did. I was
a patient in therapy for many, many years where I
practiced these skills. But also I ended up going and
(19:13):
get a midlife master's and PhD in psychology, and every
class I would take, I would be like, everybody needs
to know this, They shouldn't save this for hidden information.
And I learned that at the end of the day,
a couple things we need to all learn to do
with each other. First of all, learn to have emotional communication.
(19:34):
And what that means is the first step in that
is just becoming aware of your own feelings. And that's
hard for a lot of people because so many people
were raised by well meaning parents who said, suck it
up or change your attitude or whatever, and so they
weren't their feelings weren't mirrored, they weren't given language for
(19:55):
their feelings. And a lot of if you do go
to therapy for the first time. A lot of the
work that therapists do is called psycho education, where they
literally give you words to describe your feeling. You'll go
in and talk about this happened, and that happened, and
then they'll say, and you felt embarrassed or you felt
blah blah blah, and they will give you language for it.
(20:17):
So the first step of having good, healthy communication is
just become aware of your own feelings. Second step finding
the language to express it to somebody else in a
non defensive way.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Here's the other thing.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
When people are not accustomed to setting boundaries or expressing
their feelings, they do it actually in a kind of
often in an angry, defensive way because they feel uncomfortable
about it. So learning how to express your feelings in
a healthy, honest, calm, vulnerable way is number two. But
(20:47):
number three is having empathy, because once you become aware
of your own feelings, then you can start to see
it in others. Now we do know that genetically we
all have a range in our ability to have empathy.
There are some people who are you know, neurodiverse, who
have very very little empathy, and they have to watch
for all kinds of facial cues or body language and
(21:09):
translate it because they just don't naturally sense things. Then
there are other people like me who I can feel
people with in my stomach. Like if I see someone
fall down and bump their head, I feel it in
my head.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
I mean, I really I have a lot of empathy.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
But we can all learn to have a little more empathy,
even if all we learn to do is to inquire, Hey,
what's going on, how are you feeling, et cetera. Now,
probably the most challenging thing for people when they're learning
relationship skills is learning how to have healthy conflict. Many
people believe that if a relationship involves lots of fights
(21:48):
or conflict that it's a bad relationship or you guys
shouldn't be together if you're fighting all the time. Well,
I will say, if you're fighting, it's never comes to resolution. Maybe,
but this shows that the healthiest couples actually have a
lot of conflict. Now it is not the knockdown, drag
them out big arguments. It's tiny little border skirmishes all
(22:10):
day long where they're just reinstating their boundaries. They're renegotiating
their boundaries. Right, So no matter what you should know
that you can be deeply in love with somebody and
they can love you back, and you will still have conflict.
Everything is not supposed to be rosy all the time.
Relationships are a gymnasium for your mind, and you don't
(22:33):
go to the gym and just watch. You have to
push on the machines and have a little bit of resistance, right,
And that's what happens during conflict. So I've come up
with three things that I would like you to write
them down.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Okay, just write them down.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
The three simple phrases that if you can say when
you're in the middle of an argument, it will make
things easier. So the first one is I imagine that.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
I imagine that.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Now, what this is you getting to explain your feelings.
But using the word imagine is important because you know
there's not one truth in the room, So you get
to explain your feelings through a story that you have
made up about the situation. For example, you know when
you forgot about our dinner plans, I imagined that I
was going to die alone.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
And you would never come there. You would forget to
come to my sickabad.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
Now this can often turn into comedy, which is great
if your imaginings and your fantasies are just outrageous. But
the more infantile you can make them, the more deep
and tender you can make them. What are you really?
What are the feelings really saying that this person did
something that hurt you? But it's not oh, you hurt me,
(23:49):
it's oh, I imagined that you would hurt me forever,
or you would leave me forever or whatever. All right,
I imagine that?
Speaker 2 (23:57):
All right?
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Now, So that first one gets you in touch with
your deepest feelings and helps both of you understand that
all conflicts are infantile in some way. But the important
and tone is really important. Right. You don't want to
sound defensive or angry. You much just want to softly say,
you know when you did that or you said that.
I imagine that?
Speaker 2 (24:19):
All right?
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Number two, ask a question, and here's my favorite question
when there's conflict, How should we solve this?
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Now?
Speaker 1 (24:29):
Listen to this how should we solve this? When someone
hears the word how, it takes them out of their
emotional brain, their ancient emotional brain, and takes them into
their prefrontal cortex, and they go from emotions into problem
solving mode and listen to this how should we solve this?
(24:51):
All of a sudden, the word we is in there.
It's not you need to do this to fix this,
or it's not my fault, it's how should we solve this?
So now there's collaboration, Now there's cooperation, how should we?
And it's a question that how. Now it becomes a
math problem? Right, So if you can somehow take emotional
(25:12):
defensiveness and transform it into kind of a math problem
or a Rubric's que to be tinkered with, and make
sure that you add we, because that makes the problem
a joint problem and it implies that no one's to blame, right,
that both partners can now be part of the solution.
But I do want to say, watch your body language,
all right, If you're going to sit there with your
arms crossed your chest or on your hips and go so,
(25:35):
how should we solve this? It sounds very sarcastic. Okay,
get gentle, Maybe touch your partner's arm and just say, hey,
I understand what you're experiencing.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
How should we solve this?
Speaker 3 (25:48):
Right?
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Looking for the resolution? All right?
Speaker 1 (25:52):
The third thing that I think you should say when
you're in an argument is I love the way you.
And here's what this is about. Make that communication, sandwich.
Start out with something loving so that it lowers somebody's defenses.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Right.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
You always begin a criticism with a compliment, and that
enables them to hear what you're saying. So after you
spread that layer of love, then a layer of something
that's a little harder to chew on, so there's the
ensuing criticism, and then follow it up with another compliment,
another layer of love. So it might be something like, Honey,
(26:31):
one of the reasons I fell in love with you
is I just love your ambition and how hard you work,
and I really appreciate what a great provider you are.
But I noticed you're missing a lot of the kids'
sports games. And we all love you and we love
to show you off, and we'd love to see you
there more often.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
Now.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Isn't that different from saying when is the last time
you drove to this practice?
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Right?
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Because now you're keeping score and you're counting, right, So
remember that communication, sandwich, I love the way you. That's
how you should begin any criticism.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Got it.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
How should we solve this? That's another good one too,
all right, when we come back, remember that old fashioned
sidewalk rule where the man walks close to the street
and the women walk on the inside. Well, apparently there's
controversy about it. Let's break it down when we come back.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
You know, one of the things I get asked about
a lot are what I call gendered courtship behaviors, things
like should a guy open a car door for a woman?
Should a guy pull out her seat at the restaurant?
Should a guy open a door? Is it demeaning to women?
(27:58):
Does it make women look like they are somehow? And
my answer generally is about whatever's most practical makes the
most sense. For instance, one time I dated a guy
and he had this thing where he had to be
allowed to be the man. So when he would pull
in and park, he would literally say, don't touch that
(28:20):
door till I get there. That didn't feel good. It
felt like control, not a gesture of let me help you.
The other thing is car seemed to have gotten bigger
and bigger and bigger, and sometimes I'm measured at once.
To walk fourteen feet around an suv to get to
the other side seems pretty unpractical when she could jump
(28:42):
out anyway and be there by your side after a
few steps. So no pressure to open car doors is
my feeling, except maybe when you're getting into the car.
Right when you're first walking up to the car together,
he might go, why does she roll your eyes? Producer, Kayla,
you don't think a guy should ever open a car.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Door for well, no, I definitely do. I was thinking
about some thing, but.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Oh, somebody who didn't do it for you? One time
she goes right into her red flag. She's like, oh, yeah,
that guy went out with last night. He had me
stumbling into the car opening my own door. Yeah. Then
there's the pulling out the chair. I think it's a
lovely gesture.
Speaker 3 (29:16):
I do.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
It makes me feel special.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
And then there's the standing the men stand when the
woman need to get up from the table. That's a
little bit formal and a little bit wild. But the
one thing I've been asked about a lot lately by
journalists actually, and they're talking about it like crazy on
TikTok and Instagram debating going back and forth. Is something
(29:39):
called the sidewalk rule. It's that old fashioned sidewalk rule.
It's still widely practiced today all over the world. I
think it's just American, even though the conditions that invented
the rule are long gone.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
So here's what the sidewalk rule is.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
It's basically a social expectation that when a heterosexual couple
walked together on a sidewalk, the man should walk on
the outside near the traffic and the woman should walk
on the inside near the buildings. Right, I'm really amazed
that there's so much controversy controversy about this, really, so
some people are on social media are saying this is wonderful,
(30:22):
chivalry isn't dead. And other people are saying, oh, it's sexist,
it's demeaning. We don't need protection. Right, all right, let
me just break down some pieces of this sidewalk rule
so we can understand it. I call it a simple
gendered behavior. But there are three sides of the story.
Let's begin with history. So folklore has it that the
(30:45):
practice of men walking on the outside of the sidewalk
began back in medieval times and maybe even earlier, and
At that time, there were only horse drawn carriages. There
was no pavement on the streets. There were physical dangers
of things like carriages careening out of control pulled by
(31:08):
wild horses. Men were expected to be at the ready
to protect a woman by putting themselves between a lady
and any danger. And the second had to do with cleanliness.
I mean, think about it. Picture this cobblestone streets, poor drainage,
mudern animal waste, some pretty unsanitary conditions. And did you
(31:31):
know this, I hate to go there. Before indoor plumbing,
people dumped their buckets of human waste right in the street.
Oh yeah, it didn't smell lovely back then. Just saying
talk about biohazards, okay.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
And also picture this.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Women were wearing those long dresses and dainty little ankle boots.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Obviously, it's understandable why the sidewalk rule had to be around,
very practical. So I'm going to throw in a little
science behind this sidewalk rule. There's been so much research
to support the idea that most men have a higher
threshold for disgust. The feeling of disgust women will sense
it earlier. Many men, not all, many men are more
(32:15):
willing to do the dirty jobs in life, and many women,
not all, become nauseous.
Speaker 3 (32:20):
At the thought of it.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
So evolutionary psychologists say that this inherited trait is related
to the fact that men had to do a lot
of dirty jobs hunting, cleaning, skinning, butchering animals. Not that
there weren't women hunters, and not that women don't do
it today, but in our hunter gatherer past, when the
infant mortality rate was very, very high, women had to
(32:43):
protect those infants from biological pathogens germs. So women today
are particularly sensitive to feelings of disgust, right, another reason
why they want to stay away from those nasty streets
of the past. I know you're saying, but in today's
time and doesn't matter, right, So in today's times, I
don't think any guy could prevent any woman from a
(33:05):
careening suv coming out or at sixty miles an hour. Okay,
so that's gone. And also supposedly we have good street
cleaning equipment. The rule just seems super unfashioned, right. But
I think what's going on online, the conversations that are
happening have to do with the gender role police that.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
Are out there.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
There is this idea that gender is one hundred percent
of cultural construct. Actually it's a biopsychosocial phenomenon like every
other human thing. But they think that if a guy
is kind, that somehow they are insulting a woman, that
somehow they're saying this woman needs protection, that this woman
(33:49):
is needy, is vulnerable, is weak, We need to help her,
she can't stand near the cars. I call those the
side woke rule folks. Right, if they're ignoring the research
that shows that the vast majority of men are clearly
stronger than the vast majority of women. Okay, exceptions, Selena Williams, Uh,
(34:09):
Serena Williams, I mean pee wee herman, right? Uh? But
also think about this human mating strategy involves sacrificing, sacrificing
for somebody else. Relationships are an exchange of care. So
there are some gestures that just send the message that
a partner is willing to offer care. So these male
(34:29):
gendered behaviors like opening a door for a woman's sliding
at her chair, I think should be interpreted not as
a message that women are feeble, but that women are
prized and women are valued. I think this demonstrates care
and respect. And I think this is sexy. So if
you're a dude and you're listening, stand on the street side.
(34:50):
My Julio does always do you guys do that stand
on the outside.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Yeah, it's a right flag. If they don't, oh, don't go.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
She does not go out with them again. All right,
let's go to break. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!