September 15, 2025 • 34 mins
Hour 1- Dr. Wendy is helping relationships succeed. We are talking rejection, empathy, and trust. The recipe for love. It's all on KFIAM-640.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
On KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
If you're new to my show, let me tell you
You're going to learn a lot of things about the
science of love tonight. And I want to remind everybody.
A lot of people think, well, it's women that care
about relationships, right, and they read relationship books. I know
publishers used to say to them that to me when
(00:33):
I would pitch books. But the truth is, relationships impact
everybody and across the lifespan, and they influence our physical.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Health, our mental health.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Evolutionary psychologists would say they are the entire reason why
we are here on the planet to reproduce or at
least have happier relationships. I'm doctor Wendy Walsh. I have
a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist, but
I'm a psychology professor. I'm obsessed with the science of love.
I've written three books on relationships. Coming up intonight's show,
(01:08):
We've got the single thing that you can do for
yourself yourself that is going to improve your romantic relationship
or your marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Also, the absolute worst.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Thing that you can do in your relationship. We're going
to talk about that. And it's not like that you
can do. It's just like what you are. I'm sorry
if you see this trait in your partner. I'm just
going to say run. Also, I have a very special
guest coming up who is an immigration attorney, and he's
going to talk about the specific pressures on engaged and
(01:44):
married couples where one is an American and one is
applying for the green cart, etc. And the changes right now. Also,
I'll be going to social media to answer your questions,
So if you want to send me a DM, it's
at Dr Wendy Walsh. But first I want to talk
about honesty. I want to be honest with you. As
I talk about honesty, I actually had a T shirt
(02:06):
made one time. I should get many of them made
and sell them. It just says honesty. It saves everybody's time.
You know what happens at the beginning of a dating relationship.
People are afraid to be brutally honest. Well, you don't
have to be brutally honest. But people are afraid to
(02:26):
even speak their truth and be authentic because they might
like this person and not want to scare them away,
or they want to seem likable, so they're busy fabricating ideas.
Then everybody's running around trying to read the tea leaves.
And I tell you this story because a couple things
happened this week. One is a woman I know called
(02:50):
me and said, Hey, I've had four dates with this
guy and it's not you know, I'm not really feeling it,
like the chemistry's not there. But he's so nice and
he texts me every day like how's.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Your day and what's going on?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
And she said, should I just stop texting back or
should I just kind of tell him, you know, I'm
busy a lot, or just take longer to respond. And
I told her that she would be creating a reward
system for him, because what happens is okay. So let's
(03:26):
say you have to wait one hour for somebody to
respond to your text and they do. You know you
can survive that. Then you have to wait six hours,
then you have to wait two days. You learn that
you can survive that. So it becomes kind of a
weird reward system, and the person's left wondering and not knowing,
and it beats up their self esteem. I don't believe
(03:46):
in ghosting somebody who you've met in the real world
and had an actual date with on dating apps. Fine,
if they say something in a message and you haven't
even done a phone call or you haven't even met
them in the real world, they're not real yet, swipe left,
get rid of them if there's something weird about that. Okay,
So what I advise this woman to do is, since
their communication has mostly just been texting, to simply compose
(04:11):
a friendly, polite, kind text that said, Hey, I really
appreciate you know how much you've been texting me, and I,
you know, am grateful for the time that we spent together.
I don't think we're a good romantic match, but I'm
happy to be friends if you want. But really, I
(04:32):
want to be clear, I don't think we have romantic chemistry.
You need to be clear, you need to say it.
And she was like, oh, I never thought of that,
Never thought of that, Like, just be honest, just say it,
because here's somebody that you're leading on, misleading, giving them
keeping them alive with hope. So coincidentally, another woman this
(04:53):
week told me that this guy had said to her, Hey,
you know, it's been great getting to know you, but
I think we should just friends now. But then he
continued to like check in every day, go to movies
with her. The sex stopped, but he was sort of
like still an attachment figure, right, And she was saying
to me, I think he actually likes me. He just
(05:15):
went into his cave and took a step back. You know,
dude's too right, too much, too soon, and step back.
I'm like, well, maybe, but don't be so available. It'll
make him more interested. Right. So then she invited him
to have dinner with her and another close girlfriend, and
he said, how much more clear with you can I be?
(05:35):
I'm not your boyfriend. We're just friends now. By the way,
only two weeks after this whole conversation, and of course
she called me all upset and just saying, why why
is he doing this and why does he keep calling me?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Then if he doesn't like me?
Speaker 1 (05:49):
And I reminded her of a story I've told on
the radio before of one bad boy playboy that I
dated on and off for a way too long.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Okay, way too long.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
And one night when he's stood me up for midnight Mass.
The next day, on Christmas Day, I was literally crying
in a bathtub and my parents had just died.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I was alone.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
He stood me up for midnight Mass, and I was
like letting him have it, Like why did you call me?
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Why do you keep calling me?
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Why do you keep coming over to have sex with
me and then disappearing for weeks? Why? And he gave
me the most stone cold answer that a girl could
ever want. He said, because you let me. He said,
I'd hope somebody would have some boundaries here, like it
was all.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
On me to do the work.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Well, Sadly, I found wise, grown up me saying that
to the young woman this week, I said, you know
why he calls and you know why I hit texts
because he gets rewarded. You let him, you let him
see you, you let him talk to you, and all
the time you were in love with Hope. So in
(07:00):
the beginning of a relationship, when somebody says, hey, I'm
not really looking for something serious right now, or I'm
not really looking for a big commitment. I don't see
myself getting married for a very long time, listen to them,
don't go in your head. Well, you know he'll change
(07:21):
for me because I'll be different. I will get him
to fall in love with me. Look at the genders
I put on it. But sometimes it can be the
other way around. Right, she's a player, chick. I had
my years as a player, chick. I know. I remember
one guy like literally sobbing and call me is so mad.
He told me that I played him and I thought
(07:41):
played him, but he had like he got all attached
to me real quick, and I'm like who. We didn't
even have any discussion about exclusivity. We didn't have any
discussion about boyfriend girlfriend.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
What an assumption, right?
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Anyway, The whole point is just say it. It's okay
to be any stage of life and want any kind
of relationship. It's not okay to expect somebody to read
your mind, read the tea leaves in your text, or
try to figure things out. You've got to be honest.
(08:15):
And secondly, if somebody's honest with you, you need to
believe them. This is really important, all right, when we
come back, I want to talk about the one trait
that I believe should be the one trait if you
find this in a romantic partner, you should leave. Uh huh,
(08:39):
and you won't believe what it is. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Right now, let's
go to the twenty four hour KFI Newsroom. Welcome back
to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty,
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I forgot to introduce
producer Kayla. It's always a pleasure to see your gorgeous face.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
How are you?
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Thank you, love, It's wonderful to see you too.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
I'm great. Things going well, everything's great. How about you?
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I mean medical thing?
Speaker 4 (09:07):
Oh no, not me.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
With my husband, I got to play caregiver, which was nice.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
What do I always say about relationships that they are
an exchange of care and every once in a while
you get to give that instrumental care where you're taking
care of a sick person and I'm happy to do it,
and I'm gonna make them something yummy to eat tonight.
And made sure he got his little painkillers after his procedure.
But he's doing great. If you had to guess, producer Kayla,
(09:36):
what is the number one most problematic trait in a partner?
And this crosses all genders, all races.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
All ages.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
What would be the worst I have a trade say
in their personality, I'm.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
A liar to have the issue or a struggling relationship
with the truth.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Well, that's so interesting that do you use the word
liar as an identity, as an all encompassing this is
what you are when actually lying is a behavior that
could come from this particular personality? All right, Well, according
(10:18):
to research, the most damaging personality trait for a romantic
relationship is.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
You ready, a lack of empathy.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
It might be described as someone being callous, cold hearted,
or even narcissistic. I love how the internet calls everybody
a narcissist. You know, I will say this, and I've
said this in some of my videos. There's lots of
research to support the fact that men tend to not
every single man, but far more than there are women
tend to have less empathy than women. Right, Women nurture,
(10:58):
we nurture babies, We nurture relationship. We have to sense
the needs of another. Men have to look into the eyes. Well,
I had to million years ago into an animal and
have no empathy and slices neck and eat it.
Speaker 4 (11:12):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
It's so true.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
I was talking to my boyfriend the other day and
I said, he said that one of his employees got
into an accident in one of his vehicles. And he
said when them play called him and said he got
into an accident, his reaction was, did you get into
an accident? Or do you did you cause the accident?
I said, excuse me, did you ask him? He was okay,
and he said he's calling me. I know he's okay.
(11:34):
I need to know of what's going on my insurance.
And I was like, you're cold, man, You're cold.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Sometimes that's what they do, that's what they do.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
I have actually been to concerts where I've been so
moved by the lyrics that i have tears in my face,
and the dude beside me is like, why are you crying?
And I'm like, that is just so special the way
because the metaphor and the lyrics were that I didn't
get that right. They just they can't read into stuff
all right. So they're not all narcissistic personality disorder people.
(12:04):
They could be just a regular guy. And I just
want to say, don't run just because they're a guy.
You have to have a little give them a space. Okay,
they're dudes, they're great at lots of other things. And
if you're lucky, there are some really really compassionate guys
out there. I happen to be married to one. So
once I got the last man standing with compassion, I
nabbed him.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
I was like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
He literally if I cough in the night, he's up
getting me a glass of water. He just bounces up.
He's such a caregiver, and he so worried about how
I am all the time, and I'm not used to that.
Of course, I give to him a lot too. But
in general, if you're dating somebody who has not low empathy,
but a complete lack of empathy, you are going to
(12:50):
have a hard time in this relationship.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
You're going to struggle.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
So here are some examples, some little red flags. If
they do this, you know they probably have a lack
of empathy. Number one, they either minimize or dismiss your feelings.
So if you say something like, oh, I'm so tired,
it's such a stressful day to day, and they just go, yeah,
(13:16):
people get stressed stop complaining, right, It shows a lack
of ability or maybe just a willingness to validate or
acknowledge your feelings. Now. I used to think and sometimes
this is the case that when people have trouble validating
other people's feelings, it's because they can't manage their own
feelings and they don't want those same feelings to bubble
(13:38):
up inside themselves. Because when we have empathy for somebody,
we actually experience the feelings they're experiencing, right, So they're
just deeply avoidant. Another thing that people with a lack
of empathy do is they make everything about themselves. If
you say, oh, honey, you wouldn't believe it. This woman
(13:59):
at work, she's going through the most terrible divorce. She's
so unhappy, and he immediately says, I put a good
gender and she immediately says, uh, well, divorce is nothing
compared to what I went through. Right. Narcis and Arson.
I don't know if you ever watched that show Hacks.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
I'm loving it. I'm in season three now. But she.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
The character who's a seventy three year old comedian on
stage and rich and famous and a narcissist and does
have moments of great empathy. For the most part, she
shows no empathy for anybody. She's like an insult comedian.
And so it's very funny, and it's all she has,
unfortunately for this kid who had a bad like a
(14:41):
forty year old daughter who had a bad childhood, who's
always in rehab and AA and whatever and therapy because
of the childhood. With this and if you could just
see how little empathy this mother has for her kid.
But the show is a comedy, folks, it's still a comedy.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
Wait, so when does she show empathy as a narcissist
in this character?
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Like you said, she has empathy moments because the show
is actually about her and this young gen Z writer
who she hires to make her relevant again and give
her good words. And you can tell that they actually
she has a maternal loving relationship with her, even when
she's making fun of her.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
I want to check it out.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Yes. Now, another thing people with lack of empathy do
is they rarely offer comfort or support you're crying. They
don't have a hug. I lived with a guy for
a lot of years. I could literally sit there sobbing
in a ball tears down my eyes and he would
look at me like a deer caught in headlights. He
wouldn't even have the ability to reach out and touch
put a hand on my shoulder or anything. He would
(15:40):
just look confused, like why are you crying?
Speaker 4 (15:42):
Right?
Speaker 1 (15:44):
I do want to say here though, that you know,
some people who are on the spectrum are you know,
they don't have the ability to have that kind of empathy,
and we have to have a little more understanding for neurodiversity. Also,
people with no empathy really struggle to recognize nonverbal cues.
(16:07):
So if you do look sad or surprised or angry
or happy, they don't get it right. And when oh,
here's the big one, Oh, when you're vulnerable, they get irritated.
It makes them mad. Now again, some of these people,
we can't generalize about them all. Some are on the
(16:27):
spectrum and they don't know how to deal. Others had
a childhood where nobody acknowledged their feelings. Nobody gave them
words for their feelings, nobody taught them how to manage
their feelings. They just said, go to your room, come
back when you're in a better mood. Don't bring that
attitude around me.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Change you.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
Change your attitude right now. Right, instead of saying, hey,
you're feeling sad about that or whatever. And so when
you're showing vulnerability, I believe some of these people actually
experience the feelings scary to them.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
They don't know what to do about it.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
All Right, on a more positive note, when we come back,
I want to talk about three ways that you can
build a very strong trust in your relationship. And maybe
you're in a relationship where trust has been broken. Let's
talk about how to get things back. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM six forty
(17:23):
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Right now, let's go
to the twenty four hour KFI Newsroom.
Speaker 4 (17:29):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
On KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
I'm going to share this will secret with you. I
swear it's just a tech problem. But you know how
you have like your closest people in your life, maybe
your kids, your spouse, your best friends on location services
on your phone. Right so I can click on somebody's
(17:57):
face on a text and then I can look and
ask where they are and then bing bing being it
shows me where they are. I started doing it when
my oldest daughter went off to college, so I could
see is she in her dorm?
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Is she in the library tonight? And where is she?
Speaker 1 (18:11):
The whole map of the campus was there and I
could see where she was. It's just, you know, my
baby was leaving the nest. And then I started doing
with a few others. And I have to tell you
the cutest thing little side train here I got to
get into. My new mother in law actually said ask
me recently if I would share my location with her
because she likes to know where all the people she
loves are. I thought it was so sweet. I didn't
(18:34):
feel intrusive at all to me. I just felt loved
and cared for. So for some reason, that location services
always disconnects my husband Julio and I, Right, Kayla, what
could that mean? Is he turning off his location to
go somewhere without me?
Speaker 3 (18:54):
All I know is I had a friendship break up
this week and I can no longer see her location.
And she did that intentionally, so I never had it
happen unintentionally.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
So I text him and go, look it. It's not
showing location again, he goes, I share my location and
he shows me, and he keeps rehooking it up every
time I bring it. Am I going to find out
that my husband is a double life?
Speaker 3 (19:14):
If it wasn't, i'd say, yes, that was great.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Okay, Yeah, we're good. So here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Other than that, we have one hundred percent trust in
our relationship. See how I brought that around there, Kayla,
She's like, she's just gonna talk about trust. Yes, we
have one hundred percent trust. We tell each other everything everything,
and we don't really have secrets from each other. Now,
I think trust is the most important thing you can
(19:42):
ever have in your relationship.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
It's the foundation of all.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
If you're in any kind of love relationship and you
doubt where they're going, what they're doing, what they said,
what's happening, then you're never going to feel secure because
a healthy relationship is about obtaining feeling leans of security.
So I want to do I want to talk about
three things that I believe if you do pretty regularly,
(20:07):
you will be able to build this strong foundation of trust.
Number One, just be honest, be honest, especially about the
little things. Did you know that most people are not
dishonest because they want to hurt somebody or be devious.
Did you know that most people are dishonest because they
(20:29):
worry about hurting somebody. They worry about hurting their feelings.
But oh, I will say this, there is some research
on trust. So there's different kinds of ways to be honest. Right,
one is say at all and lying means saying literally
something that's not factual. But a lot of people believe
(20:49):
that lying by omission, meaning just not saying something, is
not a lie. Well, there was research to show that
more men believe that than women. And even I've had
this conversation with Julio. We were talking about these friends
of ours and she went away for a weekend. She
was just on a girlfriend weekend in New York. But
(21:09):
she told her boyfriend, well, she didn't really, She just
tried to text him at all hours so and make
it look like she wasn't away or whatever, and said
she was busy working. She just didn't want him to
know that she was off having fun in New York
for the weekend. And literally I was telling this story
to Julio and He's like, it's not really a lie.
She just didn't tell him where she was, I go,
that was a lie. And more so, what's your location
(21:33):
on right now? That's what I want to know?
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Where are you?
Speaker 1 (21:35):
So anyway, be honest and especially about the little things.
Here's some of the things that we do white lives
about all the time, which is not safe to start
doing white lives. Hey, I'm almost there when you're not.
See now we can look on locations and see right, Oh,
my phone died. How often do you hear my phone
(21:57):
died because they didn't answer a text or simply saying
I'm fine when you're not right, talk about what really
happens in your life. So here's the problem with lying
by omission or lying outright. If somebody, even if it's
a small thing, if somebody gets lied to, they think
(22:18):
in their head, wow, if they're lying about this, what
else are they lying about? Right? They're lying about so
many things. Okay, So behavior number one, to make sure
you have a good trusting relationship, Always tell the truth.
Behavior number two, always keep your promises. You know those
people who they get in a moment of rapture with you,
(22:42):
they love you, and they promise they're going to do
or say or buy or whatever, and then they don't
follow through because in the moment they met it, they
meant it right, but they don't actually follow through. I've
noticed this interesting trend about party RSVPs. When you send
out a party invitation or wedding, birthday whatever, and there's
(23:04):
always two or three people that respond. Within seconds, you
get an email or a text back saying.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Yay, oh my god, sounds like it's fun. We'll definitely
be there. Those are the ones that never show up.
Isn't that funny.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
It's like, in the moment, they're so excited about the invitation,
but they're not actually able to plan and think through whether.
I like the ones who say thanks for the invitation,
received it, I'm gonna check my schedule, hopefully we'll be there.
I'll let you know by Friday. Love that they're serious.
They can plan their lives. But people who make promises
uh and don't follow through. That erodes trust.
Speaker 4 (23:39):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
The third behavior, and this is the big one, make
your partner feel safe. Relationships are supposed to be a
secure based base base. Oh no, you don't baste the
Turkey base. There are ways that you can.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Help somebody feel safe.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
One of the ways are like direct behaviors, like touch,
all right, somebody is like a friend of mine made
fun of us, but she said, anytime I see you
and Julio walking down the street, you're always holding hands,
And I'm like, we do it so automatically and so unconsciously.
We are literally always holding hands if we're in the
same room or walking on the same street. So affectionate, touch,
(24:22):
warm words. People feel safe when they're given encouragement you
can do this. I know it's hard. This is not
dismissing their feelings. If they say, oh, I don't know
if I'm gonna be able to do this tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Oh yeah, you can do it.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
That not that, but more like, you know, I know
it's gonna be hard, but remember that other thing you
did and you were so good at. This is gonna
be just a breeze for you. You're gonna be able
to do that, right encouragement, But also there are other
things that can make somebody feel safe, even like socioeconomic status.
I mean, if you're with a partner who can't hold
(24:57):
down a job or keep a house, You're like not
gonna feel so safe, right if their living conditions are
calm and beautiful. Doesn't have to be wealthy and luxurious,
but clean. That can make you feel safe. So think
about how you can help your partner know that you've
got their back. Another example, when you're in public, don't
(25:20):
challenge your partner, don't criticize them, don't argue with them
in front of other people. When you're in public, even
if you disagree with them, just be there as their
protector and supporter. And then eventually, when you get home
you can have the conversation. You know the thing you
said about it, Well, I was kind of thinking that, right.
You want to be consistent, So think about trust as
(25:46):
being this constant, evolving work of art. Right, you're being
honest with your words, You're following through with your promises.
You're helping your partner feel safe. If you do that consistently,
you are going to have trust in your relationship. Hey,
(26:06):
when we come back, I am going ahead to my
social media and I'm going to answer some of your
relationship questions. Remember I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor.
But I've written three books on love and I've had
quite a rocky love live myself, So I've got a
lot of doctor Wendy wisdom for you. Send me a
DM at Dr Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh, and
let's get to your relationship questions when we come back.
(26:28):
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI
AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This
is the segment of the show where I'm going to
weigh in on your relationship lives. I love doing this
meddling in other people's business.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
No, I am honored.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
That you trust me and you trust my advice. So
if you'd like to send a question in, just send
a DM. That's a direct message on Instagram. Producer Kayles
can me check can descend it to at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
All right, dear Doctor.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Wendy, my son got married to a South Indian woman.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
They are both twenty eight.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Congratulations. She's only been here in the US for three years.
They're living with me right now. How can you give
me good tips to live peacefully together until they're able
to move out one day? We all misunderstand each other.
My son is protecting his wife, and I feel sad.
I don't want to be in competition. Well, let's start
(27:35):
right there. Your feelings of sadness. They are up to
you to deal with them and work through with them.
You knew you raised a boy, and if you do
your job right as a mother, you work yourself out
of a job right. And so of course he's going
to be protecting his wife. And you say you don't
(27:56):
want to be in competition, then you have to let
go of a You have to let them be a
married couple. Now, I think it's totally okay to set
up some house rules, whatever those rules may be. I
hope that you're not doing most of the cooking and
cleaning because it's your house, right, So you're gonna have
to have sort of a pow wow, sit down at
(28:16):
the dinner table, say, okay, let's create some rules on
the usage of space, the division of labor, the hours
that that noise happens in the house, just as if
you were roommates. Right. But if you just assume that
people are going to live their way and you'll live
your way and people are being misunderstanding all the time,
you're going to have problems so set it up like
(28:36):
you would any kind of roommate situation, create some health
house rules, and also those rules can be up for
negotiation at any time if it happens. But I think
you need to work on your grief too. I know
you feel sad, but he hasn't left you. He's expanded
his heart. His heart is so big it has room
for two women. All right, let me open another one here,
(29:00):
Dear doctor Wendy, Can people really change? Or are we
just fooling ourselves when we go back to someone who
hurt us before? Well, this sounds like a great question
about trust. You're really not asking can people change, because yes,
anybody can change across the lifespan. You're asking, how can
I learn to trust again? That's what this question is.
(29:23):
How can you let go of the hurt feelings? And
I think practicing those behaviors I was talking about being
honest with each other, keeping your promises, encouraging each other,
helping each other feel safe, that's going to be how
the two of you can do it. But if your
question is can people really change? Yes they can. But
(29:45):
I think the two of you have to create a
new kind of relationship system where you where you build
some trust together, all right? Moving along, scroll in, scroll in, Oh,
here's one, Dear doctor Wendy. What it's worse the moment
you find out they cheated or the moment you realize
(30:05):
you knew deep down all along. I think they're both
pretty bad as far as feelings go. Uncomfortable feelings, right,
But I think there's good news here that you have
a tremendous amount of insight and that feeling the moment
you realize that you knew deep down all along, is
(30:27):
that insight. That's your own self awareness of your feelings.
And next time, hopefully there won't be a next time
that somebody cheats on you. But next time you have
to read somebody, you can pay attention to that voice,
because it's there now you are aware of it. Do
not squelch that voice, Do not try to silence that voice.
(30:47):
Pay attention to your stomach. In relationships, And I always
say this to people. If the number one feeling you
have in a romantic relationship is confusion, then you're not
in a safe, secure relationship, right. But I'm sorry, I'm
sorry it happened to you, all right. Moving along, Dear
doctor Wendy, I tell myself. I'm over my ex, but
(31:10):
I still check their social media at night. Is that
closure or self sabbit sabotage? You're hurting yourself, Okay, you're
doing Why are you doing this? Why are you're hurting yourself?
I'll tell you why. Because a licensed psychologists might say
something like, oh, they have an anxious attachment disorder that
(31:32):
is linked to early childhood rupture in attachment, and as
a result, they're using this X as a convenient modern
day object for them to project their abandonment issues on.
That's a bunch of psychobabble. Basically, you're hurting yourself and
you shouldn't be doing it. Okay, but I do think
(31:52):
you should see a therapist because this is fertile ground
for you to explore. It really is, all right. Next question, Oh,
here's a good one, Dear doctor Wendy. My girlfriend and
I just moved in together, and I'm realizing we have Oh, dear,
we have different ideas of cleanliness, boundaries. Oh, I wonder
which boundaries and personal time? How do we navigate these
(32:14):
differences without letting resentment build up or making it feel
like a business arrangement. That's so interesting that if you
just negotiate boundaries and house rules. Suddenly it's a business arrangement. Look,
love doesn't have to be spontaneous.
Speaker 4 (32:28):
It can.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Having good healthy relationship skills means having conversations that sound
like this, Hey, I love living with you. I'm so
glad we moved in together. But I'm feeling like we
spend so much time together. I'm forgetting who I am.
So I need to have a little time to myself
where I do this hobby or that hobby, and then
I'll have more to report back when I come back
to the relationship. Whatever.
Speaker 4 (32:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
The cleanliness, though, that's a hard one because you're trying
to get someone to do something which you can't change
other people. So your choice is you can it up
and see what works. But if it doesn't, you either
have to accept that that's who they are and you're
going to be doing more cleaning because that's a hard one.
And then you say boundaries, but I'm actually not sure
(33:11):
which boundaries you mean. Is it like they walk into you,
walk in when you're in the bathroom or something, and
you don't like that.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
It's okay to.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
Negotiate, It's okay to talk about these things. You're gonna
be fine. Dear doctor Wendy, Ooh, my partner has been
struggling with mental health issues. I'm sorry, and it's starting
to affect our relationship. I want to be supportive, but
I'm feeling emotionally drained and unsure of my role. How
(33:39):
can I set boundaries while still being there for them?
You know, I would definitely talk to a licensed therapist
on this one, because I don't want this situation where
your partner and there are mental health issues, where they
become a victim and you become this caretaker rescuer, because
that is not your job, right, not your job. And
(34:02):
it sounds like you when you say I'm unsure of
my role, is that you're searching for boundaries. So I
would definitely talk to a therapist about how you can
have better boundaries and whether this relationship.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Is right for you.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
Okay, I got more questions ahead. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Right now, let's go to
the twenty four hour KFI Newsroom.
Speaker 4 (34:25):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty
This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
I AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
demand on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
On KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
If you're new to my show, let me tell you
You're going to learn a lot of things about the
science of love tonight. And I want to remind everybody.
A lot of people think, well, it's women that care
about relationships, right, and they read relationship books. I know
publishers used to say to them that to me when
(00:33):
I would pitch books. But the truth is, relationships impact
everybody and across the lifespan, and they influence our physical.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Health, our mental health.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Evolutionary psychologists would say they are the entire reason why
we are here on the planet to reproduce or at
least have happier relationships. I'm doctor Wendy Walsh. I have
a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist, but
I'm a psychology professor. I'm obsessed with the science of love.
I've written three books on relationships. Coming up intonight's show,
(01:08):
We've got the single thing that you can do for
yourself yourself that is going to improve your romantic relationship
or your marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Also, the absolute worst.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Thing that you can do in your relationship. We're going
to talk about that. And it's not like that you
can do. It's just like what you are. I'm sorry
if you see this trait in your partner. I'm just
going to say run. Also, I have a very special
guest coming up who is an immigration attorney, and he's
going to talk about the specific pressures on engaged and
(01:44):
married couples where one is an American and one is
applying for the green cart, etc. And the changes right now. Also,
I'll be going to social media to answer your questions,
So if you want to send me a DM, it's
at Dr Wendy Walsh. But first I want to talk
about honesty. I want to be honest with you. As
I talk about honesty, I actually had a T shirt
(02:06):
made one time. I should get many of them made
and sell them. It just says honesty. It saves everybody's time.
You know what happens at the beginning of a dating relationship.
People are afraid to be brutally honest. Well, you don't
have to be brutally honest. But people are afraid to
(02:26):
even speak their truth and be authentic because they might
like this person and not want to scare them away,
or they want to seem likable, so they're busy fabricating ideas.
Then everybody's running around trying to read the tea leaves.
And I tell you this story because a couple things
happened this week. One is a woman I know called
(02:50):
me and said, Hey, I've had four dates with this
guy and it's not you know, I'm not really feeling it,
like the chemistry's not there. But he's so nice and
he texts me every day like how's.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Your day and what's going on?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
And she said, should I just stop texting back or
should I just kind of tell him, you know, I'm
busy a lot, or just take longer to respond. And
I told her that she would be creating a reward
system for him, because what happens is okay. So let's
(03:26):
say you have to wait one hour for somebody to
respond to your text and they do. You know you
can survive that. Then you have to wait six hours,
then you have to wait two days. You learn that
you can survive that. So it becomes kind of a
weird reward system, and the person's left wondering and not knowing,
and it beats up their self esteem. I don't believe
(03:46):
in ghosting somebody who you've met in the real world
and had an actual date with on dating apps. Fine,
if they say something in a message and you haven't
even done a phone call or you haven't even met
them in the real world, they're not real yet, swipe left,
get rid of them if there's something weird about that. Okay,
So what I advise this woman to do is, since
their communication has mostly just been texting, to simply compose
(04:11):
a friendly, polite, kind text that said, Hey, I really
appreciate you know how much you've been texting me, and I,
you know, am grateful for the time that we spent together.
I don't think we're a good romantic match, but I'm
happy to be friends if you want. But really, I
(04:32):
want to be clear, I don't think we have romantic chemistry.
You need to be clear, you need to say it.
And she was like, oh, I never thought of that,
Never thought of that, Like, just be honest, just say it,
because here's somebody that you're leading on, misleading, giving them
keeping them alive with hope. So coincidentally, another woman this
(04:53):
week told me that this guy had said to her, Hey,
you know, it's been great getting to know you, but
I think we should just friends now. But then he
continued to like check in every day, go to movies
with her. The sex stopped, but he was sort of
like still an attachment figure, right, And she was saying
to me, I think he actually likes me. He just
(05:15):
went into his cave and took a step back. You know,
dude's too right, too much, too soon, and step back.
I'm like, well, maybe, but don't be so available. It'll
make him more interested. Right. So then she invited him
to have dinner with her and another close girlfriend, and
he said, how much more clear with you can I be?
(05:35):
I'm not your boyfriend. We're just friends now. By the way,
only two weeks after this whole conversation, and of course
she called me all upset and just saying, why why
is he doing this and why does he keep calling me?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Then if he doesn't like me?
Speaker 1 (05:49):
And I reminded her of a story I've told on
the radio before of one bad boy playboy that I
dated on and off for a way too long.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Okay, way too long.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
And one night when he's stood me up for midnight Mass.
The next day, on Christmas Day, I was literally crying
in a bathtub and my parents had just died.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I was alone.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
He stood me up for midnight Mass, and I was
like letting him have it, Like why did you call me?
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Why do you keep calling me?
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Why do you keep coming over to have sex with
me and then disappearing for weeks? Why? And he gave
me the most stone cold answer that a girl could
ever want. He said, because you let me. He said,
I'd hope somebody would have some boundaries here, like it
was all.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
On me to do the work.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Well, Sadly, I found wise, grown up me saying that
to the young woman this week, I said, you know
why he calls and you know why I hit texts
because he gets rewarded. You let him, you let him
see you, you let him talk to you, and all
the time you were in love with Hope. So in
(07:00):
the beginning of a relationship, when somebody says, hey, I'm
not really looking for something serious right now, or I'm
not really looking for a big commitment. I don't see
myself getting married for a very long time, listen to them,
don't go in your head. Well, you know he'll change
(07:21):
for me because I'll be different. I will get him
to fall in love with me. Look at the genders
I put on it. But sometimes it can be the
other way around. Right, she's a player, chick. I had
my years as a player, chick. I know. I remember
one guy like literally sobbing and call me is so mad.
He told me that I played him and I thought
(07:41):
played him, but he had like he got all attached
to me real quick, and I'm like who. We didn't
even have any discussion about exclusivity. We didn't have any
discussion about boyfriend girlfriend.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
What an assumption, right?
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Anyway, The whole point is just say it. It's okay
to be any stage of life and want any kind
of relationship. It's not okay to expect somebody to read
your mind, read the tea leaves in your text, or
try to figure things out. You've got to be honest.
(08:15):
And secondly, if somebody's honest with you, you need to
believe them. This is really important, all right, when we
come back, I want to talk about the one trait
that I believe should be the one trait if you
find this in a romantic partner, you should leave. Uh huh,
(08:39):
and you won't believe what it is. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Right now, let's
go to the twenty four hour KFI Newsroom. Welcome back
to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty,
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I forgot to introduce
producer Kayla. It's always a pleasure to see your gorgeous face.
Speaker 2 (08:59):
How are you?
Speaker 3 (09:00):
Thank you, love, It's wonderful to see you too.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
I'm great. Things going well, everything's great. How about you?
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I mean medical thing?
Speaker 4 (09:07):
Oh no, not me.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
With my husband, I got to play caregiver, which was nice.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
What do I always say about relationships that they are
an exchange of care and every once in a while
you get to give that instrumental care where you're taking
care of a sick person and I'm happy to do it,
and I'm gonna make them something yummy to eat tonight.
And made sure he got his little painkillers after his procedure.
But he's doing great. If you had to guess, producer Kayla,
(09:36):
what is the number one most problematic trait in a partner?
And this crosses all genders, all races.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
All ages.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
What would be the worst I have a trade say
in their personality, I'm.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
A liar to have the issue or a struggling relationship
with the truth.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Well, that's so interesting that do you use the word
liar as an identity, as an all encompassing this is
what you are when actually lying is a behavior that
could come from this particular personality? All right, Well, according
(10:18):
to research, the most damaging personality trait for a romantic
relationship is.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
You ready, a lack of empathy.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
It might be described as someone being callous, cold hearted,
or even narcissistic. I love how the internet calls everybody
a narcissist. You know, I will say this, and I've
said this in some of my videos. There's lots of
research to support the fact that men tend to not
every single man, but far more than there are women
tend to have less empathy than women. Right, Women nurture,
(10:58):
we nurture babies, We nurture relationship. We have to sense
the needs of another. Men have to look into the eyes. Well,
I had to million years ago into an animal and
have no empathy and slices neck and eat it.
Speaker 4 (11:12):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
It's so true.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
I was talking to my boyfriend the other day and
I said, he said that one of his employees got
into an accident in one of his vehicles. And he
said when them play called him and said he got
into an accident, his reaction was, did you get into
an accident? Or do you did you cause the accident?
I said, excuse me, did you ask him? He was okay,
and he said he's calling me. I know he's okay.
(11:34):
I need to know of what's going on my insurance.
And I was like, you're cold, man, You're cold.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Sometimes that's what they do, that's what they do.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
I have actually been to concerts where I've been so
moved by the lyrics that i have tears in my face,
and the dude beside me is like, why are you crying?
And I'm like, that is just so special the way
because the metaphor and the lyrics were that I didn't
get that right. They just they can't read into stuff
all right. So they're not all narcissistic personality disorder people.
(12:04):
They could be just a regular guy. And I just
want to say, don't run just because they're a guy.
You have to have a little give them a space. Okay,
they're dudes, they're great at lots of other things. And
if you're lucky, there are some really really compassionate guys
out there. I happen to be married to one. So
once I got the last man standing with compassion, I
nabbed him.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
I was like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
He literally if I cough in the night, he's up
getting me a glass of water. He just bounces up.
He's such a caregiver, and he so worried about how
I am all the time, and I'm not used to that.
Of course, I give to him a lot too. But
in general, if you're dating somebody who has not low empathy,
but a complete lack of empathy, you are going to
(12:50):
have a hard time in this relationship.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
You're going to struggle.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
So here are some examples, some little red flags. If
they do this, you know they probably have a lack
of empathy. Number one, they either minimize or dismiss your feelings.
So if you say something like, oh, I'm so tired,
it's such a stressful day to day, and they just go, yeah,
(13:16):
people get stressed stop complaining, right, It shows a lack
of ability or maybe just a willingness to validate or
acknowledge your feelings. Now. I used to think and sometimes
this is the case that when people have trouble validating
other people's feelings, it's because they can't manage their own
feelings and they don't want those same feelings to bubble
(13:38):
up inside themselves. Because when we have empathy for somebody,
we actually experience the feelings they're experiencing, right, So they're
just deeply avoidant. Another thing that people with a lack
of empathy do is they make everything about themselves. If
you say, oh, honey, you wouldn't believe it. This woman
(13:59):
at work, she's going through the most terrible divorce. She's
so unhappy, and he immediately says, I put a good
gender and she immediately says, uh, well, divorce is nothing
compared to what I went through. Right. Narcis and Arson.
I don't know if you ever watched that show Hacks.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
I'm loving it. I'm in season three now. But she.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
The character who's a seventy three year old comedian on
stage and rich and famous and a narcissist and does
have moments of great empathy. For the most part, she
shows no empathy for anybody. She's like an insult comedian.
And so it's very funny, and it's all she has,
unfortunately for this kid who had a bad like a
(14:41):
forty year old daughter who had a bad childhood, who's
always in rehab and AA and whatever and therapy because
of the childhood. With this and if you could just
see how little empathy this mother has for her kid.
But the show is a comedy, folks, it's still a comedy.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
Wait, so when does she show empathy as a narcissist
in this character?
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Like you said, she has empathy moments because the show
is actually about her and this young gen Z writer
who she hires to make her relevant again and give
her good words. And you can tell that they actually
she has a maternal loving relationship with her, even when
she's making fun of her.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
I want to check it out.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Yes. Now, another thing people with lack of empathy do
is they rarely offer comfort or support you're crying. They
don't have a hug. I lived with a guy for
a lot of years. I could literally sit there sobbing
in a ball tears down my eyes and he would
look at me like a deer caught in headlights. He
wouldn't even have the ability to reach out and touch
put a hand on my shoulder or anything. He would
(15:40):
just look confused, like why are you crying?
Speaker 4 (15:42):
Right?
Speaker 1 (15:44):
I do want to say here though, that you know,
some people who are on the spectrum are you know,
they don't have the ability to have that kind of empathy,
and we have to have a little more understanding for neurodiversity. Also,
people with no empathy really struggle to recognize nonverbal cues.
(16:07):
So if you do look sad or surprised or angry
or happy, they don't get it right. And when oh,
here's the big one, Oh, when you're vulnerable, they get irritated.
It makes them mad. Now again, some of these people,
we can't generalize about them all. Some are on the
(16:27):
spectrum and they don't know how to deal. Others had
a childhood where nobody acknowledged their feelings. Nobody gave them
words for their feelings, nobody taught them how to manage
their feelings. They just said, go to your room, come
back when you're in a better mood. Don't bring that
attitude around me.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Change you.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
Change your attitude right now. Right, instead of saying, hey,
you're feeling sad about that or whatever. And so when
you're showing vulnerability, I believe some of these people actually
experience the feelings scary to them.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
They don't know what to do about it.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
All Right, on a more positive note, when we come back,
I want to talk about three ways that you can
build a very strong trust in your relationship. And maybe
you're in a relationship where trust has been broken. Let's
talk about how to get things back. You're listening to
the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM six forty
(17:23):
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Right now, let's go
to the twenty four hour KFI Newsroom.
Speaker 4 (17:29):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
On KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
I'm going to share this will secret with you. I
swear it's just a tech problem. But you know how
you have like your closest people in your life, maybe
your kids, your spouse, your best friends on location services
on your phone. Right so I can click on somebody's
(17:57):
face on a text and then I can look and
ask where they are and then bing bing being it
shows me where they are. I started doing it when
my oldest daughter went off to college, so I could
see is she in her dorm?
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Is she in the library tonight? And where is she?
Speaker 1 (18:11):
The whole map of the campus was there and I
could see where she was. It's just, you know, my
baby was leaving the nest. And then I started doing
with a few others. And I have to tell you
the cutest thing little side train here I got to
get into. My new mother in law actually said ask
me recently if I would share my location with her
because she likes to know where all the people she
loves are. I thought it was so sweet. I didn't
(18:34):
feel intrusive at all to me. I just felt loved
and cared for. So for some reason, that location services
always disconnects my husband Julio and I, Right, Kayla, what
could that mean? Is he turning off his location to
go somewhere without me?
Speaker 3 (18:54):
All I know is I had a friendship break up
this week and I can no longer see her location.
And she did that intentionally, so I never had it
happen unintentionally.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
So I text him and go, look it. It's not
showing location again, he goes, I share my location and
he shows me, and he keeps rehooking it up every
time I bring it. Am I going to find out
that my husband is a double life?
Speaker 3 (19:14):
If it wasn't, i'd say, yes, that was great.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Okay, Yeah, we're good. So here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Other than that, we have one hundred percent trust in
our relationship. See how I brought that around there, Kayla,
She's like, she's just gonna talk about trust. Yes, we
have one hundred percent trust. We tell each other everything everything,
and we don't really have secrets from each other. Now,
I think trust is the most important thing you can
(19:42):
ever have in your relationship.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
It's the foundation of all.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
If you're in any kind of love relationship and you
doubt where they're going, what they're doing, what they said,
what's happening, then you're never going to feel secure because
a healthy relationship is about obtaining feeling leans of security.
So I want to do I want to talk about
three things that I believe if you do pretty regularly,
(20:07):
you will be able to build this strong foundation of trust.
Number One, just be honest, be honest, especially about the
little things. Did you know that most people are not
dishonest because they want to hurt somebody or be devious.
Did you know that most people are dishonest because they
(20:29):
worry about hurting somebody. They worry about hurting their feelings.
But oh, I will say this, there is some research
on trust. So there's different kinds of ways to be honest. Right,
one is say at all and lying means saying literally
something that's not factual. But a lot of people believe
(20:49):
that lying by omission, meaning just not saying something, is
not a lie. Well, there was research to show that
more men believe that than women. And even I've had
this conversation with Julio. We were talking about these friends
of ours and she went away for a weekend. She
was just on a girlfriend weekend in New York. But
(21:09):
she told her boyfriend, well, she didn't really, She just
tried to text him at all hours so and make
it look like she wasn't away or whatever, and said
she was busy working. She just didn't want him to
know that she was off having fun in New York
for the weekend. And literally I was telling this story
to Julio and He's like, it's not really a lie.
She just didn't tell him where she was, I go,
that was a lie. And more so, what's your location
(21:33):
on right now? That's what I want to know?
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Where are you?
Speaker 1 (21:35):
So anyway, be honest and especially about the little things.
Here's some of the things that we do white lives
about all the time, which is not safe to start
doing white lives. Hey, I'm almost there when you're not.
See now we can look on locations and see right, Oh,
my phone died. How often do you hear my phone
(21:57):
died because they didn't answer a text or simply saying
I'm fine when you're not right, talk about what really
happens in your life. So here's the problem with lying
by omission or lying outright. If somebody, even if it's
a small thing, if somebody gets lied to, they think
(22:18):
in their head, wow, if they're lying about this, what
else are they lying about? Right? They're lying about so
many things. Okay, So behavior number one, to make sure
you have a good trusting relationship, Always tell the truth.
Behavior number two, always keep your promises. You know those
people who they get in a moment of rapture with you,
(22:42):
they love you, and they promise they're going to do
or say or buy or whatever, and then they don't
follow through because in the moment they met it, they
meant it right, but they don't actually follow through. I've
noticed this interesting trend about party RSVPs. When you send
out a party invitation or wedding, birthday whatever, and there's
(23:04):
always two or three people that respond. Within seconds, you
get an email or a text back saying.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Yay, oh my god, sounds like it's fun. We'll definitely
be there. Those are the ones that never show up.
Isn't that funny.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
It's like, in the moment, they're so excited about the invitation,
but they're not actually able to plan and think through whether.
I like the ones who say thanks for the invitation,
received it, I'm gonna check my schedule, hopefully we'll be there.
I'll let you know by Friday. Love that they're serious.
They can plan their lives. But people who make promises
uh and don't follow through. That erodes trust.
Speaker 4 (23:39):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
The third behavior, and this is the big one, make
your partner feel safe. Relationships are supposed to be a
secure based base base. Oh no, you don't baste the
Turkey base. There are ways that you can.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Help somebody feel safe.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
One of the ways are like direct behaviors, like touch,
all right, somebody is like a friend of mine made
fun of us, but she said, anytime I see you
and Julio walking down the street, you're always holding hands,
And I'm like, we do it so automatically and so unconsciously.
We are literally always holding hands if we're in the
same room or walking on the same street. So affectionate, touch,
(24:22):
warm words. People feel safe when they're given encouragement you
can do this. I know it's hard. This is not
dismissing their feelings. If they say, oh, I don't know
if I'm gonna be able to do this tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Oh yeah, you can do it.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
That not that, but more like, you know, I know
it's gonna be hard, but remember that other thing you
did and you were so good at. This is gonna
be just a breeze for you. You're gonna be able
to do that, right encouragement, But also there are other
things that can make somebody feel safe, even like socioeconomic status.
I mean, if you're with a partner who can't hold
(24:57):
down a job or keep a house, You're like not
gonna feel so safe, right if their living conditions are
calm and beautiful. Doesn't have to be wealthy and luxurious,
but clean. That can make you feel safe. So think
about how you can help your partner know that you've
got their back. Another example, when you're in public, don't
(25:20):
challenge your partner, don't criticize them, don't argue with them
in front of other people. When you're in public, even
if you disagree with them, just be there as their
protector and supporter. And then eventually, when you get home
you can have the conversation. You know the thing you
said about it, Well, I was kind of thinking that, right.
You want to be consistent, So think about trust as
(25:46):
being this constant, evolving work of art. Right, you're being
honest with your words, You're following through with your promises.
You're helping your partner feel safe. If you do that consistently,
you are going to have trust in your relationship. Hey,
(26:06):
when we come back, I am going ahead to my
social media and I'm going to answer some of your
relationship questions. Remember I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor.
But I've written three books on love and I've had
quite a rocky love live myself, So I've got a
lot of doctor Wendy wisdom for you. Send me a
DM at Dr Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh, and
let's get to your relationship questions when we come back.
(26:28):
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI
AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This
is the segment of the show where I'm going to
weigh in on your relationship lives. I love doing this
meddling in other people's business.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
No, I am honored.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
That you trust me and you trust my advice. So
if you'd like to send a question in, just send
a DM. That's a direct message on Instagram. Producer Kayles
can me check can descend it to at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
All right, dear Doctor.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Wendy, my son got married to a South Indian woman.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
They are both twenty eight.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Congratulations. She's only been here in the US for three years.
They're living with me right now. How can you give
me good tips to live peacefully together until they're able
to move out one day? We all misunderstand each other.
My son is protecting his wife, and I feel sad.
I don't want to be in competition. Well, let's start
(27:35):
right there. Your feelings of sadness. They are up to
you to deal with them and work through with them.
You knew you raised a boy, and if you do
your job right as a mother, you work yourself out
of a job right. And so of course he's going
to be protecting his wife. And you say you don't
(27:56):
want to be in competition, then you have to let
go of a You have to let them be a
married couple. Now, I think it's totally okay to set
up some house rules, whatever those rules may be. I
hope that you're not doing most of the cooking and
cleaning because it's your house, right, So you're gonna have
to have sort of a pow wow, sit down at
(28:16):
the dinner table, say, okay, let's create some rules on
the usage of space, the division of labor, the hours
that that noise happens in the house, just as if
you were roommates. Right. But if you just assume that
people are going to live their way and you'll live
your way and people are being misunderstanding all the time,
you're going to have problems so set it up like
(28:36):
you would any kind of roommate situation, create some health
house rules, and also those rules can be up for
negotiation at any time if it happens. But I think
you need to work on your grief too. I know
you feel sad, but he hasn't left you. He's expanded
his heart. His heart is so big it has room
for two women. All right, let me open another one here,
(29:00):
Dear doctor Wendy, Can people really change? Or are we
just fooling ourselves when we go back to someone who
hurt us before? Well, this sounds like a great question
about trust. You're really not asking can people change, because yes,
anybody can change across the lifespan. You're asking, how can
I learn to trust again? That's what this question is.
(29:23):
How can you let go of the hurt feelings? And
I think practicing those behaviors I was talking about being
honest with each other, keeping your promises, encouraging each other,
helping each other feel safe, that's going to be how
the two of you can do it. But if your
question is can people really change? Yes they can. But
(29:45):
I think the two of you have to create a
new kind of relationship system where you where you build
some trust together, all right? Moving along, scroll in, scroll in, Oh,
here's one, Dear doctor Wendy. What it's worse the moment
you find out they cheated or the moment you realize
(30:05):
you knew deep down all along. I think they're both
pretty bad as far as feelings go. Uncomfortable feelings, right,
But I think there's good news here that you have
a tremendous amount of insight and that feeling the moment
you realize that you knew deep down all along, is
(30:27):
that insight. That's your own self awareness of your feelings.
And next time, hopefully there won't be a next time
that somebody cheats on you. But next time you have
to read somebody, you can pay attention to that voice,
because it's there now you are aware of it. Do
not squelch that voice, Do not try to silence that voice.
(30:47):
Pay attention to your stomach. In relationships, And I always
say this to people. If the number one feeling you
have in a romantic relationship is confusion, then you're not
in a safe, secure relationship, right. But I'm sorry, I'm
sorry it happened to you, all right. Moving along, Dear
doctor Wendy, I tell myself. I'm over my ex, but
(31:10):
I still check their social media at night. Is that
closure or self sabbit sabotage? You're hurting yourself, Okay, you're
doing Why are you doing this? Why are you're hurting yourself?
I'll tell you why. Because a licensed psychologists might say
something like, oh, they have an anxious attachment disorder that
(31:32):
is linked to early childhood rupture in attachment, and as
a result, they're using this X as a convenient modern
day object for them to project their abandonment issues on.
That's a bunch of psychobabble. Basically, you're hurting yourself and
you shouldn't be doing it. Okay, but I do think
(31:52):
you should see a therapist because this is fertile ground
for you to explore. It really is, all right. Next question, Oh,
here's a good one, Dear doctor Wendy. My girlfriend and
I just moved in together, and I'm realizing we have Oh, dear,
we have different ideas of cleanliness, boundaries. Oh, I wonder
which boundaries and personal time? How do we navigate these
(32:14):
differences without letting resentment build up or making it feel
like a business arrangement. That's so interesting that if you
just negotiate boundaries and house rules. Suddenly it's a business arrangement. Look,
love doesn't have to be spontaneous.
Speaker 4 (32:28):
It can.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Having good healthy relationship skills means having conversations that sound
like this, Hey, I love living with you. I'm so
glad we moved in together. But I'm feeling like we
spend so much time together. I'm forgetting who I am.
So I need to have a little time to myself
where I do this hobby or that hobby, and then
I'll have more to report back when I come back
to the relationship. Whatever.
Speaker 4 (32:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
The cleanliness, though, that's a hard one because you're trying
to get someone to do something which you can't change
other people. So your choice is you can it up
and see what works. But if it doesn't, you either
have to accept that that's who they are and you're
going to be doing more cleaning because that's a hard one.
And then you say boundaries, but I'm actually not sure
(33:11):
which boundaries you mean. Is it like they walk into you,
walk in when you're in the bathroom or something, and
you don't like that.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
It's okay to.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
Negotiate, It's okay to talk about these things. You're gonna
be fine. Dear doctor Wendy, Ooh, my partner has been
struggling with mental health issues. I'm sorry, and it's starting
to affect our relationship. I want to be supportive, but
I'm feeling emotionally drained and unsure of my role. How
(33:39):
can I set boundaries while still being there for them?
You know, I would definitely talk to a licensed therapist
on this one, because I don't want this situation where
your partner and there are mental health issues, where they
become a victim and you become this caretaker rescuer, because
that is not your job, right, not your job. And
(34:02):
it sounds like you when you say I'm unsure of
my role, is that you're searching for boundaries. So I
would definitely talk to a therapist about how you can
have better boundaries and whether this relationship.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Is right for you.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
Okay, I got more questions ahead. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Right now, let's go to
the twenty four hour KFI Newsroom.
Speaker 4 (34:25):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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