November 2, 2025 • 34 mins
Dr. Wendy is covering Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard drama and why silence is the real danger, Taylor Swift, Travis Kelce, and Kayla Nicole, and TikTok's Bird Theory. PLUS we are getting some Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. It's all on KFIAM-640!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
If you're new to my show. I have a PhD
in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at California State University,
Channel Islands. I detailed psychology, developmental psychology, intro to psychology.
(00:25):
Oh but my favorite thing is the science of love.
And we are going to be talking about relationships tonight.
Producer Kayla, did you see that baseball game last night?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
I heard all about it, I did not see it.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
So I have not been a baseball fan in years
until I heard about this little team about birds, like
the blue Jay Birds. You know, there's a whole TikTok
thing we're going to talk about later called the bird
theory tests that you can do with your relationship. There's
actually some science mind it. Okay, I'll explain a little later,
but anyway, Bluejays. So I spent half my life in
Toronto half my life in La. I was like a
(00:59):
split per personality. It was very, very difficult. Anyway, said
I have one of those. Do you know what an
egg chair is. It's like floats and it swings and whatever.
I was swinging away like rocking, like I needed to
control myself through that game, and I found it quite entertaining,
I will say that. And then today my husband Julio,
who's the hardest core baseball fan ever and knows everything
about baseball and Dodgers and nobody he's a Yankee fan,
(01:22):
let's be honest, he said to me, that was probably
the best World Series game that I've ever watched in
my life and the best one we will ever see
in our lifetime. And I said to him, so I
can stop watching now, like that's like I saw the
best anyway, congratulations to the Dodgers, and my condolences to
(01:42):
my hometown. Sorry, Toronto, I really wanted to I wants
the underdog win, all right, Tayla, there's something on the
internet about Travis Kelcey's ex girlfriend. So let's just set
this up for a minute. So Travis Kelsey is engaged
to Taylor Swift. Everybody on the planet loves Taylor Swift. However,
in her new album, she put out some lyrics that
(02:05):
seem to imply that she's a little jealous or mad
at Travis's ex girlfriend who's named Kayla Nicole. Is that correct? Yes,
Kayla Nicole is a beautiful, talented, amazing woman who happens
to be African American. And Kayla doesn't she say something
(02:26):
about Onyx and something what are the lyrics?
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Yeah, apparently I don't know that. I don't know the
lyrics by her.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
I should have them pulled up, but I know it's
something in reference to the Onyx stone and how he
used to be in love with the Onyx guy. Now
he's found his opal Lite, which is a naturally or
unnatural white glimmery rocks which she's comparing the dark Onyx
rock to the opal Lite. She also says things about
her being in her phone and him feeling all alone.
Video surface of Kayla scrolling social media while Travis was
(02:53):
sitting next to her, and she also said something about
a savage and just a lot of a lot of
a lot of shots fired at Kayla Nicole.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
It seems like life of a show girl.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
This Kaylin Agol, Travis's ex girlfriend, appears by all reports
to be living rent free in Taylor Swift's head. Now,
this proves one thing to me. It doesn't matter how
famous you are, doesn't matter how much money you are,
You're still a human being. And if there's a gorgeous
ex circling around, well anyway, Kayln Nicole apparently put some
(03:24):
gasoline on the fire Halloween. Is that what happened?
Speaker 4 (03:28):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (03:28):
And I will say Kayla does typically dress like a
celebrity every year, but this this year was very It
seemed very intensely what she dressed like. She dressed as
Tony Braxton. We do love Tony Braxton. She has a legend,
she has an icon. But there is a sexy clues.
Oh that's how that's that's what Tony did. It's more
of the song choice, what song? I dumped your husband?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
I don't think a husband. I'm not thinking about he was.
He wasn't man enough for me. H. The claws are
out female to female competition amongst a billionaire celebrity and
another talented, smart, gorgeous woman. Oh wow, Okay, just want
(04:07):
to throw that out there. If you wonder, it happens
to everybody. You are not alone. If there's a girl
out there who's driving you crazy because it's your guy's ex,
it happens to even our sweet beloved Taylor all Right.
In other news, Actress Kristen Bell is in the news
this week. She stars in Netflix hit rom com Nobody
Wants This. She's the sharp witted actress. Remember her. We
(04:30):
all fell in love with her in the Good Place
where she went to heaven or hell or wherever she went,
and in Disney's Frozen. So what happened is she What
had happened was she went and put a posting of
her hugging her husband hugging her as an anniversary. Right,
it was a birthday or anniversary and the anniversary their
twelfth wedding anniversary. And here's what she wrote in the caption,
(04:55):
Happy twelfth wedding Anniversary to the man who once said
to me, I will never kill you. A lot of
men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even
though I'm heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would.
Now this is what you call everybody, pearl clutchers. Get ready.
Dark humor and dark humor is very important not only
(05:19):
for us as individuals, but also in the culture. I
have been known to get canceled online because of dark humor.
I have a lot of dark humor in me.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Do you know.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Okay, here's the most embarrassing dark humor thing I ever said.
It just came out of my mouth. I couldn't stop it.
Speaker 5 (05:34):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
I was sitting in business class on a plane beside
a man who didn't imagine when she came and said,
do you want to coffee, tea or whatever, mister so
and so, he goes, Oh, I'm not mister so and so,
I'm mister so and so. She says, well, I need
your name because I need to know exactly who's sitting
in what seats. And she was very stern with him.
And I turned to him and I go, they need
to know how to identify the bodies. She was not
(05:58):
happy with that dark joke. She was not happy at all. Okay, so,
dark humor's not a weapon. It's not meant to a
mock any victims, attack anybody. It's a coping mechanism. Look,
first responders, surgeons, therapists, soldiers, they all use dark humor.
I'm going to tell you a terrible story that if
you can't handle dark humor, you should put a pause
(06:19):
button on for about thirty seconds. I'm going to tell
you another one. Back when I was a news reporter,
some of the cameramen had to cover a terrible fatality
on one of our freeways, terrible and people's literally brains
were spread all over the street. And when you're looking
through a camera and you're walking around trying to get
the shots of the cars, anyway, sometimes something can get
(06:41):
on your shoes. And when they got back to the office,
everyone kept saying, hey, smart shoes, smart shoes. Right, cute
dark humor. Other people didn't think it was so funny. Look,
jokes do not cause domestic violence. Abusers do. A joke's
not the cause of violence, right, And when we are uncomfortable,
(07:02):
it's the gateway to awareness.
Speaker 5 (07:05):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Don't confuse your discomfort with dark humor with danger. The
important thing is that Kristin Bell was not mocking victims.
The target of her joke was the taboo itself.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
We need to learn the difference between punching down, which
would be mocking those victims, and punching at the taboo,
which means dragging it into the light. We are having
this conversation right now about domestic violence because Kristen Bell
made a dark humor joke, So you don't have to
find it funny, but we can have a world where
(07:42):
we have the purity test on everybody and they have
to be careful about what they say. Or we can
say some things are funny to us and some things
aren't all right. Silence does protect abusers. Conversation like the
one we're having right now can free some victims. Look,
if you or someone you know needs completely confidential support,
call or text the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The numbers
(08:06):
eight hundred seven nine to nine seven two three three,
or you can text eight eight seven eight eight or
simply go to the hotline dot org. Okay, thanks Kristin
for having this conversation. Hey, when we come back this week,
I tested my husband with the Bird Theory video. If
(08:27):
you don't know about the relationship test that's circulating online
called the Bird Theory, I'm gonna explain it when we
come back, and you won't believe what his reaction was.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Hello, New York Y, Toronto, hih Chicago, Hey, San Diego, Toronto.
I'm sorry, I love you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Anyway,
I'm saying hello to my Instagram followers. If you'd like
to come into the studio and see what we're doing.
Just come on to Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh as
the handle. After this segment, I'm going to be taking
your calls. If you have relationship questions, give us a call.
(09:04):
Oh there, Kayla just posted the number, letting everybody know
it's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
We're not opening up the phone lines until after I
talk about this bird theory thing on TikTok. So I'm
just gonna remind if there's anybody out there who works
for TikTok who's an actual human, or you know somebody
who's a human that works for TikTok. I have over
(09:25):
a million followers. I have been hacked, just saying and
so TikTok's frozen the account. Great, but they can't tell
who I am, whether I'm the real person or I
actually thought maybe I'll just drive their offices and walk
in and go, hey, here i am look live. So
if you know anybody at TikTok, put them in touch
with me. I've reached out to all their support online
and their robots and got emails, but nobody's opening up
(09:48):
my account for me. But having said that, as you know,
trends move around social media. They may start on TikTok,
they go somewhere else. So the trend I'm talking about
this week is called the bird trend. Do you know
that one? Did you do it? Did it happen?
Speaker 5 (10:01):
All right?
Speaker 1 (10:02):
So what it is is you basically say a mundane
thing to your boyfriend, husband, whatever, as a bid for connection.
And the mundane thing is, hey, I saw a bird today.
Now his response tells you how healthy your relationship is.
One of the ones that got I think hundreds of
(10:23):
thousands of views sounded like this. I got to tell
you I saw a bird today.
Speaker 4 (10:28):
You did, yes, sir?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Well outside, I was in the back of the boys.
Speaker 6 (10:32):
What kind of birds?
Speaker 1 (10:33):
I don't know?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
It was like what color?
Speaker 4 (10:36):
It was like blueish, like a blue jay.
Speaker 6 (10:39):
There were tons of blue jays while I was growing up.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I love they're so pretty. I don't know birds.
Speaker 5 (10:45):
Well, round it.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Being okay and thanks Mollie. You see how engaged he got.
She said, I saw a bird. He's like, what kind?
And she said, I don't know? Well what color was it? Oh?
He goes, could have been a blue jay when I
was growing up. Then he's hearing a story. You know,
we had blue jays, all kinds of He was engaged
with her and the conversation because she cared about it,
(11:09):
so he jumped to it. So my husband, Julio, do
we even have that or should I just describe it?
Do we have the video? No? Okay, So my husband
Julio was watching Formula one and so I did a
video of him. The screen was so huge, big screen,
and he's glued to it, eyes, just glued to it
because I don't know if you know, but Formula one
races don't last really long. And you know, his team
was near the front, and that's the worst time to
(11:31):
ask a guy anything. There's sports whatever they're into, right,
And so I had my little phone up there and
I said, hey, honey, I saw a bird today. And
he snaps his neck and stares at me and he's
just looking at me. He's not even trying to see
the race that's now behind his head and he's just looking.
And I said, is that all you have to say?
And he just said, I'm waiting for more. He was
(11:53):
fully engaged. He didn't have any questions to ask, he
was just waiting for more information. I think that he
passed the test with line colors because I asked him
out a very inopportune time. So this comes from the idea.
In fact, many psychologists are saying it's basically a social
media rebrand of a very well researched relationship topic that
(12:18):
came from one of my favorite psychologists, the married couple
of the Gotmans, doctor John Gotman, and his wife, and
he talked about things that happen in our relationship, which
he calls bids for connection. Right, So, a bid is
any small attempt to connect. It might be a joke,
a sigh, a comment, a question, Yeah, you could be
(12:38):
pointing to a bird touching someone. And then what happens
is the partners, according to the Gotmans, respond in one
of three ways. One is they turn toward somebody positive
and engaged, which Julio did, thank God. Or they turn away,
which includes ignoring, staring at the TV, going whatever. Or
(13:02):
they turn against they get critical or annoyed like why
are you telling me that? Who cares? Right? And so
his research shows that couples who stay together, there's actually
data on this, turn toward each other's bids eighty six
percent of the time. That's a huge number. Right, eighty
(13:25):
six percent of the time. Couples who eventually divorced only
turned toward that's the number one option only thirty three
percent of the time. So that means sixty seven percent
of the time somebody was being either ignored or criticized
when they offered some kind of bid for care.
Speaker 4 (13:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
So yeah, it's a cute TikTok thing, but there is
a little bit of science behind it, right, because what
it emphasizes is something that is far more important than
grand gestures. Okay, it's great, honey that you bring home flowers,
it's wonderful that you do date night, But the most
important in a long term, healthy relationship is something called
(14:13):
micro connection. Right. Micro connection is when you just notice
these small emotional bids for care. Right. You might think
of them as really boring moments, but I would say
that they're really the emotional glue. It normalizes playfulness, curiosity,
(14:35):
just basic connection. You know, I was talking to a
friend the other day and I said, now you have
to By the way, I got an email from a
listener Bless your heart, sir, I love you, But you
know what he said, why do you always talk about
how your husband's so perfect because you know, the rest
of us are just trying to find love. Just tell
us how to find love, okay, whatever he said, the
(14:56):
rest of us, I'm like, these are examples. I'm modeling
for you what you should be doing, how you should behaving.
And Julio is the best example, having dated so many
bad boys, so many players, so many you know, just
guys who were emotionally avoidant, who couldn't give care. Remember,
(15:16):
a relationship is an exchange of care. The care can
take many, many, many forms. I am thrilled that in
my fifties I met the love of my life. And
more importantly, not that he's so great, it's that I
could recognize him because I met lots of fabulous, wonderful
men over all these years, and I'd be like, eh,
(15:36):
he's too nice.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
I find something wrong with them because I had problems
inside of me. And once I you know, learned, through
lots of therapy and through a solid connection with my children,
learned to have a secure attachment style. I was open
arms for somebody who was a caregiver, but I was
saying to this girlfriend the other day. So one of
(16:01):
the things that makes my marriage so functional is that
both of us have one particular trait, and that trait
is we're always worried about how the other one feels, honestly,
and if both people are doing that all the time, man,
so much gets done. It's amazing. Like I'm just every
(16:22):
day grateful. I'm like, really, you did all the laundry,
folded my underwear, and did the dishes while I was
at the gym. This is great, But I'm also thinking
about him. I said to this friend, you know, there's
stuff on my walls, artwork that I don't particularly love,
but I put them on the walls because I know
(16:44):
that we're important to my Julio. And she said, oh,
I can never do that. You know, older women love
their houses. We're really into decorating. We are. Look, I
am so into decorating that today I invited some neighbors,
a gay couple up, just to show them how I
decorated a room, right, Because then that's the absolute vote
(17:05):
of you did it right, right, That's what I am.
Speaker 5 (17:09):
So.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Anyway, I do want to say that if you are
going to try the bird test or any other test,
like I saw a dog whatever, lost a sock, it
shouldn't be used as a one time litmus test. Just
like if you see some kind of parenting in public,
don't look at that slice of parenting and overall judge
how that parent is. We've all had crazy moments as
(17:32):
a parent or I'm like I own want as a
cell phone out now, So don't use it as a
litmus test. People do show love in lots of different ways, right,
maybe just their acts of service or caring in some way.
But it's a fun little version of John Gauntman's work.
(17:52):
I love it the bird test. Why didn't Julio ask
me questions about the bird? It is looked, I say,
Is that all you're going to say? All right, well,
it's a TikTok trend, but it is backed in science.
Speaker 5 (18:05):
All right.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
When we come back, I'm going to take your relationship calls.
If you have a relationship question, pick up the phone.
The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one five
three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. If you're super super shy, you can
send me a DM on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh.
But pick up the phone one eight hundred five two
(18:26):
zero one KFI.
Speaker 4 (18:30):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
This is the time of the show where I am
taking your calls. If you have a relationship question, give
us a call. The numbers one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four. Okay, producer Kayla, who do
we have first?
Speaker 2 (18:50):
We have Greg with a question.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Greg. Hi, Greg, It's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 5 (18:55):
Hi, Doctor Wendy. Love your show, love you, thank you,
You're welcome. Okay. Now, I'm six foot o. My abs
are coming in. I'm not classically handsome, but I'm a
regular looking guy. And this is the deal. I'm a
very nice guy. I'm Julio esque. You laughed at me
(19:16):
last time, but I'm telling you I am like him.
You know. The whole thing is, I'm very nice, very generous,
you know cool. You know, I'm eclectic and all and
lots of things. I'm an artist and you sound articulate.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
I'm smart, Okay, Greg, So what's the problem.
Speaker 5 (19:33):
Yeah. The thing is, I've been on Plenty of Fish
and on Facebook dating for the last seven eight months,
and I get these girls that are coming in. They say,
oh you got a match, you gotta match, or this
and that, and I go in and I say, hey,
how are you doing, young lady? It's nice? Can we
chat for a while, and then I'm ghosted every single time.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Well, okay, great, this is an excellent question. So, as
you said, you're tall, you got good abs, you're good looking,
you're nice, you're generous, you're reaching out to women, you're
your average looking. Is that what you said? You're regular?
He's a regular looking regular. Yeah, you know, we're all
regular underneath it all. Okay, So, but you match with women,
(20:14):
you try to chat with them on the app, and
then they disappear. So I have a couple things to say.
One is, change it up the kind of women you're
reaching out to, because you're probably you're either hunching above
your weight, which we all do. We all want to
high value maate. We want something there. So just give
a chance to women that are regular looking. See what
(20:36):
happens there. Secondly, something about what you're writing, Hey, young lady,
do you want to chat? That is not showing that
you've read her profile, looked at her picture, learn something
about her. You have to start with something highly personalized,
so you look at it and you go So by
(20:56):
the way, I was on a dating app years ago.
My kids were little. I pixelated out their faces, but
I had a picture of me screaming on this on
this Santa Monica peer, there's this thing that does a
big drop and it's called the froggy hopper. And that
was one of five or six pictures and this guy
wrote His first message was, oh no, not the dreaded
(21:18):
froggy hopper. I'm terrified of that thing, right, So he
immediately said, I see her, I see what she's showing,
I see what her life is. We have this in common,
we have kids, whatever. So that's what I need you
to do is go deep into her profile and show
that you know her, you see what's going on, and
you make some kind of we have this in common
(21:39):
comment without saying we have this in common? Right, You
just make a comment that shows you understand and you
get her, without saying do you want to chat? Nobody
wants to just want to chat. They're like about what? Like?
Speaker 5 (21:52):
Why? Right?
Speaker 1 (21:53):
So try that, Greg and call me back next week
and see if that works any better. All right, Producer, Kayla,
who do we have?
Speaker 5 (22:00):
We have?
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Steve with the questions, Oh, we got the guys tonight? Hi, Steve,
it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Steve.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
There there he is, Hi, Steve, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Steve was having questionable service to you. Said that sucks.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Oh he has bad sales service. But I hear like, hey,
Stevie here, yep.
Speaker 4 (22:22):
I'm there.
Speaker 6 (22:23):
Sorry, my phone sucks.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Oh your phone sucks. What's your question?
Speaker 5 (22:26):
Love?
Speaker 6 (22:28):
Okay, So if you have a partner that's been told
she's bipolar by multiple doctors, uh huh, then we never
go back to that doctor.
Speaker 5 (22:36):
How do you get someone to maybe.
Speaker 6 (22:37):
Accept that diagnosis.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Oh, so you're trying to change somebody else. Okay, So Steve,
I'm not trying I'm not.
Speaker 6 (22:44):
Trying to change anyone. I'm trying to keep my family together.
And I know she doesn't have she she doesn't have
any filter. Her temper is out of the world, like right,
So what I mean, I'm I'm trying to be a good,
good guy, Steve.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
I totally hear what you're saying. And it's very serious.
Steve is telling us that his partner has been diagnosed
by doctors with bipolar disorder and sounds like you have
kids because you said trying to keep your family together
and she won't believe this and won't get help. So
this is when we have to decide what the boundaries
(23:22):
are going to be, right, And my first advice to
you is going to be, Steve, you need to go
see a licensed therapist to help you learn how to
have boundaries with her. You can't just talk her into it, right.
You can't just say, hey, you need to go to
a doctor, you need to be on medication, you're crazy.
That is not going to work. So you have to
(23:43):
empathize with what she's going through. Don't argue with her
when she's mad. You can't just argue with her about
the points you have to say. That must be terrible
to have to feel that. That must be Give her empathy, right,
But you're going to have to find out how to
establish boundaries to the point where she wants to go
on her own if you will, because a maybe you've
(24:05):
left and taken the kids or whatever. Maybe you've gone
to court over this. I don't know, but I would
say start with going to see a licensed therapist so
you can get your head clear. And I do want
to say this to everybody who's listening. When you hear
me say this, many of you go I can't afford that.
Start by going onto your own health insurance website and
(24:26):
putting in your zip code and trying to find a practitioner.
That's the first start. Always there's also always free or
low cost therapy with every university counseling center. If they
offer a PhD program in psychology, they have a counseling center.
Because they're people post doc, they're called me. They've already
(24:46):
got their PhD, but now they're getting their hours for licensure,
and they'll have a supervisor working for them. They're all
kinds of ways to get affordable therapy. I'm sorry going
through the steve. I know how hard it is, but
getting her to do something is different from you changing
your reaction to her, and this you will learn in
(25:07):
therapy breaks my heart. Okay, if you want to give
me a call, the numbers one eight hundred and five
two zero one five three four. In the meantime, let's
go to social media and see what people are writing
in my DMS. Hey, doctor Wendy. I've been dating my
boyfriend for six months and I met his core friends
since middle school. Recently, one of his female friends kept
(25:28):
staring at me. It was as if she was studying me.
Is she being a protective friend or does she love
my boyfriend? It was the look she gave me. Okay,
I was not there to see the look, so I
can't read what it was, but I can see that
it threatened you and threatened the relationship in some way. Now,
(25:49):
if you are trying to bond with this boyfriend, that's
what the two of you addressed.
Speaker 5 (25:53):
You say.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Hey, By the way, when I met whatever her name
was there Mitzi over there, I noticed she was looking
at me kind of funny. Is there some history there
you want to share with me? Like, what's going on?
I feel like I'm missing some information here. That's all
you do, get more of the story before you start
jumping to conclusions. And also, doesn't it make your boyfriend
higher value to you when you know other women want him?
(26:15):
That's a good thing. You got him. What are you
worried about? Right, Taylor, Taylor Swift, you have Travis. Don't worry.
Just saying all right, dear doctor Wendy. I'm in a
long distance relationship and I texted my boyfriend yesterday and
he didn't respond till I texted him again three hours later.
I said, I didn't know you were so busy that
(26:39):
you couldn't text me back. Oh, we're going to try
the sarcasm here that you think is going to make
him text more. Okay, he responded shortly, saying, sorry, I
didn't check my phone when I told him it bothered me.
He told me I was busy. Relax. I feel like
telling him this isn't working out. We've been together three months,
one delay and answering of a text. Okay, you have
(27:02):
a little bit of an anxious attachment style. I'm not
diagnosing you. I'm just saying what the internet would say
about you. That's a lot of anxiety, and it's the
first year of a relationship is always filled with a
lot of insecurity. Right, you don't know where you stand whatever.
But the bigger problem here is this word text. Are
you even talking to the dude? Are you face timing?
(27:24):
You can't have a long distess relationship through text along
You are just going to misread the gaps are going
to drive you crazy. No, So here's my no. Don't
end the relationship. Just get on the phone more often,
and don't say I need to hear from you more.
You need to text me back on time. That is
not going to bring him close. Okay, when he does
(27:46):
call or face time, you put a smile on your
face and say, hey, I was just thinking about you.
Oh my god, how are you? What's going on with
your day? Right, don't whine, don't complain if you want
to keep them, It's up to you, all right. When
we come back and continue to take your calls and
answer your social media questions, the number is one eight
(28:06):
hundred five two zero one five three four.
Speaker 4 (28:10):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Am six forty.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. If you'd like
to call in this at the time when I'm answering
your questions, the numbers one eight hundred and five two
zero one five three four. But so many dms have
come in. Let me go to social media. If you
want to follow me on social it's at doctor Wendy
Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh on Instagram. Okay, this person asks,
my girlfriend still keeps in touch with her ex as
(28:43):
a friend. They text occasionally, and she insists it's harmless.
Should I trust her or set firmer boundaries? So I
want to remind everybody, what a boundary is a good
time for me to go through that. A boundary is
not a rule, it's a consequence. A boundary is a
way for you to protect yourself. A boundary isn't saying
(29:05):
to somebody I don't want you to talk to him
or text him or see him anymore. That is not
a boundary. The boundary is, hey, next time you're in
touch with him, I'd like to go meet him too.
That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go meet him together.
(29:26):
If she goes no, that's too weird, then you know
he's a backup mate, right, that's what you know. So yeah,
I would set boundaries by showing the consequence. All right,
Dear doctor Wendy, I've noticed that every time I bring
up something that bothers me, my partner turns it around
and says, I'm too sensitive? Is that gaslighting or just
(29:47):
poor communication? Well, first of all, who is he too
judge that your sensitivity is a problem, Because what he's
really saying is I'm not as sensitive as you. He's
really talking about himself. So it's also his way of
(30:07):
trying to get you to change the subject. Right, So
what I want you to remember whenever you bring up
something that's difficult, maybe it might be something in how
you're laying it out there. You want to start by
making a communication, Sandwich. It's a layer of love, than
a layer of something a little hard to chew on,
(30:30):
and then another layer of love. So let's say. The
thing is, we need to have date night more often.
We're just netflixing and chilling. It's not enough. So you say,
you know, I love you so much and I love
to show you off in public, So I think we
(30:50):
need to go out more because it adds some excitement
to our relationship too. I'd like to have a date
night at least once a week because you're special to
me and I want to dress up and go out
show the world who i'm with. See, it's a little communication, Sandwich.
But if you say we never go out, he's going
to argue with you, Yes, we do, right as we do. Now,
(31:12):
next time he says you're too sensitive, you need to say, well,
these are just my feelings and I own them. They're
mine and I'd love for you to have some empathy
to understand. Instead of going I'm not sensitive, just say hey,
well these are my feelings and I own them, and
I'm hoping you'll have more empathy for my experience. And
(31:35):
if you keep saying that and he doesn't seem to
grow any empathy, then while you're there, if your emotional
needs are not being met all right. Next, Oh, this
is a good one. My boyfriend and I split the
bills evenly, but I make less money than he does.
(31:55):
Is it fair to expect a fifty to fifty split
or should contributions match in come? I will tell you
that every wealth manager in the world will tell you
it should be based on proportion of income. So, and
also we should also think about other labor that you
might be doing within the household. So if you're married
and there are children, and you're doing more domestic labor,
(32:16):
more childcare labor, that has value. That has a value,
So I would look at it very carefully. So for example,
if somebody's making one hundred thousand dollars a year, lucky person,
and somebody else is making fifty thousand dollars a year,
then somebody's going to pay twice as much in the bills.
That's just bottom line. So he's taken advantage of you.
(32:39):
He's winning, he's winning and stealing from you, just saying okay,
moving on. Dear doctor Wendy, I've been seeing someone for
six months, but they still haven't introduced me to their
friends and family. Should I be patient or take that
as a warning sign? I think you're getting close to
the time where it's appropriate you got cocoon for a
(33:00):
little while and build a united front. Now, if you're
not meeting any of his friends, like it's going to
start with just a few friends here and there. But
if you're not meeting any of his friends and then
you're a little sexual compartment for him. He doesn't want
anyone to know about you. But if he's slowly starting
(33:21):
to introduce you to a few people, then okay, this
is about the time. Hey what about your sister? Am
I going to meet her?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Whatever?
Speaker 1 (33:29):
You're going to slowly integrate. But it's it's smart to
be a little bit aware. It's smart, all right. When
we come back, I have a very special guest. If
you struggle with addiction, marijuana, alcohol, whatever it may be,
(33:50):
or you have a family member who does, I want
you to listen up because my next guest there's a
lot of good wisdom for us. You've been listening to
doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on
k f I a M six forty from seven to
nine p m On Sunday and any time on demand
(34:10):
on the iHeartRadio app
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
If you're new to my show. I have a PhD
in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at California State University,
Channel Islands. I detailed psychology, developmental psychology, intro to psychology.
(00:25):
Oh but my favorite thing is the science of love.
And we are going to be talking about relationships tonight.
Producer Kayla, did you see that baseball game last night?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
I heard all about it, I did not see it.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
So I have not been a baseball fan in years
until I heard about this little team about birds, like
the blue Jay Birds. You know, there's a whole TikTok
thing we're going to talk about later called the bird
theory tests that you can do with your relationship. There's
actually some science mind it. Okay, I'll explain a little later,
but anyway, Bluejays. So I spent half my life in
Toronto half my life in La. I was like a
(00:59):
split per personality. It was very, very difficult. Anyway, said
I have one of those. Do you know what an
egg chair is. It's like floats and it swings and whatever.
I was swinging away like rocking, like I needed to
control myself through that game, and I found it quite entertaining,
I will say that. And then today my husband Julio,
who's the hardest core baseball fan ever and knows everything
about baseball and Dodgers and nobody he's a Yankee fan,
(01:22):
let's be honest, he said to me, that was probably
the best World Series game that I've ever watched in
my life and the best one we will ever see
in our lifetime. And I said to him, so I
can stop watching now, like that's like I saw the
best anyway, congratulations to the Dodgers, and my condolences to
(01:42):
my hometown. Sorry, Toronto, I really wanted to I wants
the underdog win, all right, Tayla, there's something on the
internet about Travis Kelcey's ex girlfriend. So let's just set
this up for a minute. So Travis Kelsey is engaged
to Taylor Swift. Everybody on the planet loves Taylor Swift. However,
in her new album, she put out some lyrics that
(02:05):
seem to imply that she's a little jealous or mad
at Travis's ex girlfriend who's named Kayla Nicole. Is that correct? Yes,
Kayla Nicole is a beautiful, talented, amazing woman who happens
to be African American. And Kayla doesn't she say something
(02:26):
about Onyx and something what are the lyrics?
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Yeah, apparently I don't know that. I don't know the
lyrics by her.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
I should have them pulled up, but I know it's
something in reference to the Onyx stone and how he
used to be in love with the Onyx guy. Now
he's found his opal Lite, which is a naturally or
unnatural white glimmery rocks which she's comparing the dark Onyx
rock to the opal Lite. She also says things about
her being in her phone and him feeling all alone.
Video surface of Kayla scrolling social media while Travis was
(02:53):
sitting next to her, and she also said something about
a savage and just a lot of a lot of
a lot of shots fired at Kayla Nicole.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
It seems like life of a show girl.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
This Kaylin Agol, Travis's ex girlfriend, appears by all reports
to be living rent free in Taylor Swift's head. Now,
this proves one thing to me. It doesn't matter how
famous you are, doesn't matter how much money you are,
You're still a human being. And if there's a gorgeous
ex circling around, well anyway, Kayln Nicole apparently put some
(03:24):
gasoline on the fire Halloween. Is that what happened?
Speaker 4 (03:28):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (03:28):
And I will say Kayla does typically dress like a
celebrity every year, but this this year was very It
seemed very intensely what she dressed like. She dressed as
Tony Braxton. We do love Tony Braxton. She has a legend,
she has an icon. But there is a sexy clues.
Oh that's how that's that's what Tony did. It's more
of the song choice, what song? I dumped your husband?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
I don't think a husband. I'm not thinking about he was.
He wasn't man enough for me. H. The claws are
out female to female competition amongst a billionaire celebrity and
another talented, smart, gorgeous woman. Oh wow, Okay, just want
(04:07):
to throw that out there. If you wonder, it happens
to everybody. You are not alone. If there's a girl
out there who's driving you crazy because it's your guy's ex,
it happens to even our sweet beloved Taylor all Right.
In other news, Actress Kristen Bell is in the news
this week. She stars in Netflix hit rom com Nobody
Wants This. She's the sharp witted actress. Remember her. We
(04:30):
all fell in love with her in the Good Place
where she went to heaven or hell or wherever she went,
and in Disney's Frozen. So what happened is she What
had happened was she went and put a posting of
her hugging her husband hugging her as an anniversary. Right,
it was a birthday or anniversary and the anniversary their
twelfth wedding anniversary. And here's what she wrote in the caption,
(04:55):
Happy twelfth wedding Anniversary to the man who once said
to me, I will never kill you. A lot of
men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even
though I'm heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would.
Now this is what you call everybody, pearl clutchers. Get ready.
Dark humor and dark humor is very important not only
(05:19):
for us as individuals, but also in the culture. I
have been known to get canceled online because of dark humor.
I have a lot of dark humor in me.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Do you know.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Okay, here's the most embarrassing dark humor thing I ever said.
It just came out of my mouth. I couldn't stop it.
Speaker 5 (05:34):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
I was sitting in business class on a plane beside
a man who didn't imagine when she came and said,
do you want to coffee, tea or whatever, mister so
and so, he goes, Oh, I'm not mister so and so,
I'm mister so and so. She says, well, I need
your name because I need to know exactly who's sitting
in what seats. And she was very stern with him.
And I turned to him and I go, they need
to know how to identify the bodies. She was not
(05:58):
happy with that dark joke. She was not happy at all. Okay, so,
dark humor's not a weapon. It's not meant to a
mock any victims, attack anybody. It's a coping mechanism. Look,
first responders, surgeons, therapists, soldiers, they all use dark humor.
I'm going to tell you a terrible story that if
you can't handle dark humor, you should put a pause
(06:19):
button on for about thirty seconds. I'm going to tell
you another one. Back when I was a news reporter,
some of the cameramen had to cover a terrible fatality
on one of our freeways, terrible and people's literally brains
were spread all over the street. And when you're looking
through a camera and you're walking around trying to get
the shots of the cars, anyway, sometimes something can get
(06:41):
on your shoes. And when they got back to the office,
everyone kept saying, hey, smart shoes, smart shoes. Right, cute
dark humor. Other people didn't think it was so funny. Look,
jokes do not cause domestic violence. Abusers do. A joke's
not the cause of violence, right, And when we are uncomfortable,
(07:02):
it's the gateway to awareness.
Speaker 5 (07:05):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Don't confuse your discomfort with dark humor with danger. The
important thing is that Kristin Bell was not mocking victims.
The target of her joke was the taboo itself.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Right.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
We need to learn the difference between punching down, which
would be mocking those victims, and punching at the taboo,
which means dragging it into the light. We are having
this conversation right now about domestic violence because Kristen Bell
made a dark humor joke, So you don't have to
find it funny, but we can have a world where
(07:42):
we have the purity test on everybody and they have
to be careful about what they say. Or we can
say some things are funny to us and some things
aren't all right. Silence does protect abusers. Conversation like the
one we're having right now can free some victims. Look,
if you or someone you know needs completely confidential support,
call or text the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The numbers
(08:06):
eight hundred seven nine to nine seven two three three,
or you can text eight eight seven eight eight or
simply go to the hotline dot org. Okay, thanks Kristin
for having this conversation. Hey, when we come back this week,
I tested my husband with the Bird Theory video. If
(08:27):
you don't know about the relationship test that's circulating online
called the Bird Theory, I'm gonna explain it when we
come back, and you won't believe what his reaction was.
Speaker 4 (08:37):
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
Hello, New York Y, Toronto, hih Chicago, Hey, San Diego, Toronto.
I'm sorry, I love you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Anyway,
I'm saying hello to my Instagram followers. If you'd like
to come into the studio and see what we're doing.
Just come on to Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh as
the handle. After this segment, I'm going to be taking
your calls. If you have relationship questions, give us a call.
(09:04):
Oh there, Kayla just posted the number, letting everybody know
it's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
We're not opening up the phone lines until after I
talk about this bird theory thing on TikTok. So I'm
just gonna remind if there's anybody out there who works
for TikTok who's an actual human, or you know somebody
who's a human that works for TikTok. I have over
(09:25):
a million followers. I have been hacked, just saying and
so TikTok's frozen the account. Great, but they can't tell
who I am, whether I'm the real person or I
actually thought maybe I'll just drive their offices and walk
in and go, hey, here i am look live. So
if you know anybody at TikTok, put them in touch
with me. I've reached out to all their support online
and their robots and got emails, but nobody's opening up
(09:48):
my account for me. But having said that, as you know,
trends move around social media. They may start on TikTok,
they go somewhere else. So the trend I'm talking about
this week is called the bird trend. Do you know
that one? Did you do it? Did it happen?
Speaker 5 (10:01):
All right?
Speaker 1 (10:02):
So what it is is you basically say a mundane
thing to your boyfriend, husband, whatever, as a bid for connection.
And the mundane thing is, hey, I saw a bird today.
Now his response tells you how healthy your relationship is.
One of the ones that got I think hundreds of
(10:23):
thousands of views sounded like this. I got to tell
you I saw a bird today.
Speaker 4 (10:28):
You did, yes, sir?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Well outside, I was in the back of the boys.
Speaker 6 (10:32):
What kind of birds?
Speaker 1 (10:33):
I don't know?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
It was like what color?
Speaker 4 (10:36):
It was like blueish, like a blue jay.
Speaker 6 (10:39):
There were tons of blue jays while I was growing up.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I love they're so pretty. I don't know birds.
Speaker 5 (10:45):
Well, round it.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Being okay and thanks Mollie. You see how engaged he got.
She said, I saw a bird. He's like, what kind?
And she said, I don't know? Well what color was it? Oh?
He goes, could have been a blue jay when I
was growing up. Then he's hearing a story. You know,
we had blue jays, all kinds of He was engaged
with her and the conversation because she cared about it,
(11:09):
so he jumped to it. So my husband, Julio, do
we even have that or should I just describe it?
Do we have the video? No? Okay, So my husband
Julio was watching Formula one and so I did a
video of him. The screen was so huge, big screen,
and he's glued to it, eyes, just glued to it
because I don't know if you know, but Formula one
races don't last really long. And you know, his team
was near the front, and that's the worst time to
(11:31):
ask a guy anything. There's sports whatever they're into, right,
And so I had my little phone up there and
I said, hey, honey, I saw a bird today. And
he snaps his neck and stares at me and he's
just looking at me. He's not even trying to see
the race that's now behind his head and he's just looking.
And I said, is that all you have to say?
And he just said, I'm waiting for more. He was
(11:53):
fully engaged. He didn't have any questions to ask, he
was just waiting for more information. I think that he
passed the test with line colors because I asked him
out a very inopportune time. So this comes from the idea.
In fact, many psychologists are saying it's basically a social
media rebrand of a very well researched relationship topic that
(12:18):
came from one of my favorite psychologists, the married couple
of the Gotmans, doctor John Gotman, and his wife, and
he talked about things that happen in our relationship, which
he calls bids for connection. Right, So, a bid is
any small attempt to connect. It might be a joke,
a sigh, a comment, a question, Yeah, you could be
(12:38):
pointing to a bird touching someone. And then what happens
is the partners, according to the Gotmans, respond in one
of three ways. One is they turn toward somebody positive
and engaged, which Julio did, thank God. Or they turn away,
which includes ignoring, staring at the TV, going whatever. Or
(13:02):
they turn against they get critical or annoyed like why
are you telling me that? Who cares? Right? And so
his research shows that couples who stay together, there's actually
data on this, turn toward each other's bids eighty six
percent of the time. That's a huge number. Right, eighty
(13:25):
six percent of the time. Couples who eventually divorced only
turned toward that's the number one option only thirty three
percent of the time. So that means sixty seven percent
of the time somebody was being either ignored or criticized
when they offered some kind of bid for care.
Speaker 4 (13:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
So yeah, it's a cute TikTok thing, but there is
a little bit of science behind it, right, because what
it emphasizes is something that is far more important than
grand gestures. Okay, it's great, honey that you bring home flowers,
it's wonderful that you do date night, But the most
important in a long term, healthy relationship is something called
(14:13):
micro connection. Right. Micro connection is when you just notice
these small emotional bids for care. Right. You might think
of them as really boring moments, but I would say
that they're really the emotional glue. It normalizes playfulness, curiosity,
(14:35):
just basic connection. You know, I was talking to a
friend the other day and I said, now you have
to By the way, I got an email from a
listener Bless your heart, sir, I love you, But you
know what he said, why do you always talk about
how your husband's so perfect because you know, the rest
of us are just trying to find love. Just tell
us how to find love, okay, whatever he said, the
(14:56):
rest of us, I'm like, these are examples. I'm modeling
for you what you should be doing, how you should behaving.
And Julio is the best example, having dated so many
bad boys, so many players, so many you know, just
guys who were emotionally avoidant, who couldn't give care. Remember,
(15:16):
a relationship is an exchange of care. The care can
take many, many, many forms. I am thrilled that in
my fifties I met the love of my life. And
more importantly, not that he's so great, it's that I
could recognize him because I met lots of fabulous, wonderful
men over all these years, and I'd be like, eh,
(15:36):
he's too nice.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
I find something wrong with them because I had problems
inside of me. And once I you know, learned, through
lots of therapy and through a solid connection with my children,
learned to have a secure attachment style. I was open
arms for somebody who was a caregiver, but I was
saying to this girlfriend the other day. So one of
(16:01):
the things that makes my marriage so functional is that
both of us have one particular trait, and that trait
is we're always worried about how the other one feels, honestly,
and if both people are doing that all the time, man,
so much gets done. It's amazing. Like I'm just every
(16:22):
day grateful. I'm like, really, you did all the laundry,
folded my underwear, and did the dishes while I was
at the gym. This is great, But I'm also thinking
about him. I said to this friend, you know, there's
stuff on my walls, artwork that I don't particularly love,
but I put them on the walls because I know
(16:44):
that we're important to my Julio. And she said, oh,
I can never do that. You know, older women love
their houses. We're really into decorating. We are. Look, I
am so into decorating that today I invited some neighbors,
a gay couple up, just to show them how I
decorated a room, right, Because then that's the absolute vote
(17:05):
of you did it right, right, That's what I am.
Speaker 5 (17:09):
So.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Anyway, I do want to say that if you are
going to try the bird test or any other test,
like I saw a dog whatever, lost a sock, it
shouldn't be used as a one time litmus test. Just
like if you see some kind of parenting in public,
don't look at that slice of parenting and overall judge
how that parent is. We've all had crazy moments as
(17:32):
a parent or I'm like I own want as a
cell phone out now, So don't use it as a
litmus test. People do show love in lots of different ways, right,
maybe just their acts of service or caring in some way.
But it's a fun little version of John Gauntman's work.
(17:52):
I love it the bird test. Why didn't Julio ask
me questions about the bird? It is looked, I say,
Is that all you're going to say? All right, well,
it's a TikTok trend, but it is backed in science.
Speaker 5 (18:05):
All right.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
When we come back, I'm going to take your relationship calls.
If you have a relationship question, pick up the phone.
The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one five
three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. If you're super super shy, you can
send me a DM on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh.
But pick up the phone one eight hundred five two
(18:26):
zero one KFI.
Speaker 4 (18:30):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
This is the time of the show where I am
taking your calls. If you have a relationship question, give
us a call. The numbers one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four. Okay, producer Kayla, who do
we have first?
Speaker 2 (18:50):
We have Greg with a question.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Greg. Hi, Greg, It's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 5 (18:55):
Hi, Doctor Wendy. Love your show, love you, thank you,
You're welcome. Okay. Now, I'm six foot o. My abs
are coming in. I'm not classically handsome, but I'm a
regular looking guy. And this is the deal. I'm a
very nice guy. I'm Julio esque. You laughed at me
(19:16):
last time, but I'm telling you I am like him.
You know. The whole thing is, I'm very nice, very generous,
you know cool. You know, I'm eclectic and all and
lots of things. I'm an artist and you sound articulate.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
I'm smart, Okay, Greg, So what's the problem.
Speaker 5 (19:33):
Yeah. The thing is, I've been on Plenty of Fish
and on Facebook dating for the last seven eight months,
and I get these girls that are coming in. They say,
oh you got a match, you gotta match, or this
and that, and I go in and I say, hey,
how are you doing, young lady? It's nice? Can we
chat for a while, and then I'm ghosted every single time.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Well, okay, great, this is an excellent question. So, as
you said, you're tall, you got good abs, you're good looking,
you're nice, you're generous, you're reaching out to women, you're
your average looking. Is that what you said? You're regular?
He's a regular looking regular. Yeah, you know, we're all
regular underneath it all. Okay, So, but you match with women,
(20:14):
you try to chat with them on the app, and
then they disappear. So I have a couple things to say.
One is, change it up the kind of women you're
reaching out to, because you're probably you're either hunching above
your weight, which we all do. We all want to
high value maate. We want something there. So just give
a chance to women that are regular looking. See what
(20:36):
happens there. Secondly, something about what you're writing, Hey, young lady,
do you want to chat? That is not showing that
you've read her profile, looked at her picture, learn something
about her. You have to start with something highly personalized,
so you look at it and you go So by
(20:56):
the way, I was on a dating app years ago.
My kids were little. I pixelated out their faces, but
I had a picture of me screaming on this on
this Santa Monica peer, there's this thing that does a
big drop and it's called the froggy hopper. And that
was one of five or six pictures and this guy
wrote His first message was, oh no, not the dreaded
(21:18):
froggy hopper. I'm terrified of that thing, right, So he
immediately said, I see her, I see what she's showing,
I see what her life is. We have this in common,
we have kids, whatever. So that's what I need you
to do is go deep into her profile and show
that you know her, you see what's going on, and
you make some kind of we have this in common
(21:39):
comment without saying we have this in common? Right, You
just make a comment that shows you understand and you
get her, without saying do you want to chat? Nobody
wants to just want to chat. They're like about what? Like?
Speaker 5 (21:52):
Why? Right?
Speaker 1 (21:53):
So try that, Greg and call me back next week
and see if that works any better. All right, Producer, Kayla,
who do we have?
Speaker 5 (22:00):
We have?
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Steve with the questions, Oh, we got the guys tonight? Hi, Steve,
it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Steve.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
There there he is, Hi, Steve, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Steve was having questionable service to you. Said that sucks.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Oh he has bad sales service. But I hear like, hey,
Stevie here, yep.
Speaker 4 (22:22):
I'm there.
Speaker 6 (22:23):
Sorry, my phone sucks.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Oh your phone sucks. What's your question?
Speaker 5 (22:26):
Love?
Speaker 6 (22:28):
Okay, So if you have a partner that's been told
she's bipolar by multiple doctors, uh huh, then we never
go back to that doctor.
Speaker 5 (22:36):
How do you get someone to maybe.
Speaker 6 (22:37):
Accept that diagnosis.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Oh, so you're trying to change somebody else. Okay, So Steve,
I'm not trying I'm not.
Speaker 6 (22:44):
Trying to change anyone. I'm trying to keep my family together.
And I know she doesn't have she she doesn't have
any filter. Her temper is out of the world, like right,
So what I mean, I'm I'm trying to be a good,
good guy, Steve.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
I totally hear what you're saying. And it's very serious.
Steve is telling us that his partner has been diagnosed
by doctors with bipolar disorder and sounds like you have
kids because you said trying to keep your family together
and she won't believe this and won't get help. So
this is when we have to decide what the boundaries
(23:22):
are going to be, right, And my first advice to
you is going to be, Steve, you need to go
see a licensed therapist to help you learn how to
have boundaries with her. You can't just talk her into it, right.
You can't just say, hey, you need to go to
a doctor, you need to be on medication, you're crazy.
That is not going to work. So you have to
(23:43):
empathize with what she's going through. Don't argue with her
when she's mad. You can't just argue with her about
the points you have to say. That must be terrible
to have to feel that. That must be Give her empathy, right,
But you're going to have to find out how to
establish boundaries to the point where she wants to go
on her own if you will, because a maybe you've
(24:05):
left and taken the kids or whatever. Maybe you've gone
to court over this. I don't know, but I would
say start with going to see a licensed therapist so
you can get your head clear. And I do want
to say this to everybody who's listening. When you hear
me say this, many of you go I can't afford that.
Start by going onto your own health insurance website and
(24:26):
putting in your zip code and trying to find a practitioner.
That's the first start. Always there's also always free or
low cost therapy with every university counseling center. If they
offer a PhD program in psychology, they have a counseling center.
Because they're people post doc, they're called me. They've already
(24:46):
got their PhD, but now they're getting their hours for licensure,
and they'll have a supervisor working for them. They're all
kinds of ways to get affordable therapy. I'm sorry going
through the steve. I know how hard it is, but
getting her to do something is different from you changing
your reaction to her, and this you will learn in
(25:07):
therapy breaks my heart. Okay, if you want to give
me a call, the numbers one eight hundred and five
two zero one five three four. In the meantime, let's
go to social media and see what people are writing
in my DMS. Hey, doctor Wendy. I've been dating my
boyfriend for six months and I met his core friends
since middle school. Recently, one of his female friends kept
(25:28):
staring at me. It was as if she was studying me.
Is she being a protective friend or does she love
my boyfriend? It was the look she gave me. Okay,
I was not there to see the look, so I
can't read what it was, but I can see that
it threatened you and threatened the relationship in some way. Now,
(25:49):
if you are trying to bond with this boyfriend, that's
what the two of you addressed.
Speaker 5 (25:53):
You say.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Hey, By the way, when I met whatever her name
was there Mitzi over there, I noticed she was looking
at me kind of funny. Is there some history there
you want to share with me? Like, what's going on?
I feel like I'm missing some information here. That's all
you do, get more of the story before you start
jumping to conclusions. And also, doesn't it make your boyfriend
higher value to you when you know other women want him?
(26:15):
That's a good thing. You got him. What are you
worried about? Right, Taylor, Taylor Swift, you have Travis. Don't worry.
Just saying all right, dear doctor Wendy. I'm in a
long distance relationship and I texted my boyfriend yesterday and
he didn't respond till I texted him again three hours later.
I said, I didn't know you were so busy that
(26:39):
you couldn't text me back. Oh, we're going to try
the sarcasm here that you think is going to make
him text more. Okay, he responded shortly, saying, sorry, I
didn't check my phone when I told him it bothered me.
He told me I was busy. Relax. I feel like
telling him this isn't working out. We've been together three months,
one delay and answering of a text. Okay, you have
(27:02):
a little bit of an anxious attachment style. I'm not
diagnosing you. I'm just saying what the internet would say
about you. That's a lot of anxiety, and it's the
first year of a relationship is always filled with a
lot of insecurity. Right, you don't know where you stand whatever.
But the bigger problem here is this word text. Are
you even talking to the dude? Are you face timing?
(27:24):
You can't have a long distess relationship through text along
You are just going to misread the gaps are going
to drive you crazy. No, So here's my no. Don't
end the relationship. Just get on the phone more often,
and don't say I need to hear from you more.
You need to text me back on time. That is
not going to bring him close. Okay, when he does
(27:46):
call or face time, you put a smile on your
face and say, hey, I was just thinking about you.
Oh my god, how are you? What's going on with
your day? Right, don't whine, don't complain if you want
to keep them, It's up to you, all right. When
we come back and continue to take your calls and
answer your social media questions, the number is one eight
(28:06):
hundred five two zero one five three four.
Speaker 4 (28:10):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Am six forty.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. If you'd like
to call in this at the time when I'm answering
your questions, the numbers one eight hundred and five two
zero one five three four. But so many dms have
come in. Let me go to social media. If you
want to follow me on social it's at doctor Wendy
Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh on Instagram. Okay, this person asks,
my girlfriend still keeps in touch with her ex as
(28:43):
a friend. They text occasionally, and she insists it's harmless.
Should I trust her or set firmer boundaries? So I
want to remind everybody, what a boundary is a good
time for me to go through that. A boundary is
not a rule, it's a consequence. A boundary is a
way for you to protect yourself. A boundary isn't saying
(29:05):
to somebody I don't want you to talk to him
or text him or see him anymore. That is not
a boundary. The boundary is, hey, next time you're in
touch with him, I'd like to go meet him too.
That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go meet him together.
(29:26):
If she goes no, that's too weird, then you know
he's a backup mate, right, that's what you know. So yeah,
I would set boundaries by showing the consequence. All right,
Dear doctor Wendy, I've noticed that every time I bring
up something that bothers me, my partner turns it around
and says, I'm too sensitive? Is that gaslighting or just
(29:47):
poor communication? Well, first of all, who is he too
judge that your sensitivity is a problem, Because what he's
really saying is I'm not as sensitive as you. He's
really talking about himself. So it's also his way of
(30:07):
trying to get you to change the subject. Right, So
what I want you to remember whenever you bring up
something that's difficult, maybe it might be something in how
you're laying it out there. You want to start by
making a communication, Sandwich. It's a layer of love, than
a layer of something a little hard to chew on,
(30:30):
and then another layer of love. So let's say. The
thing is, we need to have date night more often.
We're just netflixing and chilling. It's not enough. So you say,
you know, I love you so much and I love
to show you off in public, So I think we
(30:50):
need to go out more because it adds some excitement
to our relationship too. I'd like to have a date
night at least once a week because you're special to
me and I want to dress up and go out
show the world who i'm with. See, it's a little communication, Sandwich.
But if you say we never go out, he's going
to argue with you, Yes, we do, right as we do. Now,
(31:12):
next time he says you're too sensitive, you need to say, well,
these are just my feelings and I own them. They're
mine and I'd love for you to have some empathy
to understand. Instead of going I'm not sensitive, just say hey,
well these are my feelings and I own them, and
I'm hoping you'll have more empathy for my experience. And
(31:35):
if you keep saying that and he doesn't seem to
grow any empathy, then while you're there, if your emotional
needs are not being met all right. Next, Oh, this
is a good one. My boyfriend and I split the
bills evenly, but I make less money than he does.
(31:55):
Is it fair to expect a fifty to fifty split
or should contributions match in come? I will tell you
that every wealth manager in the world will tell you
it should be based on proportion of income. So, and
also we should also think about other labor that you
might be doing within the household. So if you're married
and there are children, and you're doing more domestic labor,
(32:16):
more childcare labor, that has value. That has a value,
So I would look at it very carefully. So for example,
if somebody's making one hundred thousand dollars a year, lucky person,
and somebody else is making fifty thousand dollars a year,
then somebody's going to pay twice as much in the bills.
That's just bottom line. So he's taken advantage of you.
(32:39):
He's winning, he's winning and stealing from you, just saying okay,
moving on. Dear doctor Wendy, I've been seeing someone for
six months, but they still haven't introduced me to their
friends and family. Should I be patient or take that
as a warning sign? I think you're getting close to
the time where it's appropriate you got cocoon for a
(33:00):
little while and build a united front. Now, if you're
not meeting any of his friends, like it's going to
start with just a few friends here and there. But
if you're not meeting any of his friends and then
you're a little sexual compartment for him. He doesn't want
anyone to know about you. But if he's slowly starting
(33:21):
to introduce you to a few people, then okay, this
is about the time. Hey what about your sister? Am
I going to meet her?
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Whatever?
Speaker 1 (33:29):
You're going to slowly integrate. But it's it's smart to
be a little bit aware. It's smart, all right. When
we come back, I have a very special guest. If
you struggle with addiction, marijuana, alcohol, whatever it may be,
(33:50):
or you have a family member who does, I want
you to listen up because my next guest there's a
lot of good wisdom for us. You've been listening to
doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on
k f I a M six forty from seven to
nine p m On Sunday and any time on demand
(34:10):
on the iHeartRadio app
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.